Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 057: BBQ Jimi Hendrix W/ Luke Mones & Maddie Wiener

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan.

Does he do recovery shows? Me? Yeah. Oh, I just got hit up about doing Cocaine Anonymous. Yeah, what happens is Ian does this. Wait, they have not even a Narcotics Anonymous. It's specifically cocaine? Cocaine, yeah.

So I'm going to be like, look, cocaine was a thing, but it wasn't like my number one. My number one was alcohol. I feel like that's a big thing is the recovery shows where you go up and you go, listen, I didn't do the drug you guys do, but my life was pretty fucked up. I'm not as bad as you.

I could do the cocaine recovery. You look great in those. Don't they make my eyes small? It's a good thing. Blow the shofar. Let's start. Did you hear how good I did in the upstairs? No, I can't wait to hear. Yeah! welcome back to another episode of b and ian with jordan i am so happy to be here patreon.com slash b and ian pod sub we got a lot of fun stuff coming we're bleaching your butthole we're going horseback we're gonna go horseback riding yeah and then we going to go camping. Did you say you want to kill yourself? What the fuck? Sorry. Go ahead.

Go ahead. We're having fun over here. Go ahead. IanFidance.com. Shout out Justin Gilman. He redid my website. Shout out Life's Question. Killed it in Denton, Texas. Gang of Speed. I wasn't there. Donate to the Year of the Knife GoFundMe to help out Maddie Watkins. She's in a

coma? She's got a long road to recovery. A band that we like. Car accident. Got in a terrible accident on the road. Damn. Oh, geez. Wow. So our guest today. You gave us full Bush hearing about

9-11 energy to start the podcast. You're like, there's a terrible ad. Here we are today, coming up playing the funny fuck. Good riff, Luke. Anyway, Maddie Weiner. Luke Monez. Wow. If you put Weiner and Mone together, you get a pretty good 10.

Oh, wiener, moan. Why do you think we're booked? I mean, you guys booked us. Both recently. Passed at the Comedy Cellar. Passed at the Comedy Cellar and doing incredibly. Phenomenal. Thank you.

That's like our version of like babies being born in the same hallway at the same time. Except I'm 85 years old. You're actually, you're like a spring chicken. You're like a, you're, you know. Yeah, Maddie, how old are you? I'm 24. Wow. I got two months.

And then I'm halfway to 30. Can we not? Don't do that. What? Enjoy where you're at now. Thank you. Yeah. You're an expedite.

How do you think I feel? People are like, well, you know, being 40, I'm like, I'm 38, dick. Right. I was just with my best buddy, Justin, and he's like, dude, we're at 40, and that means we're closer to 60, and then we're dead. Your best buddy what? Jordan. Christ. Not Jordan.

I'm thinking about your life at 24 from what I know about it. You were not working the cellar. No. I was living in a cellar. You were living in a cellar. No, I was living in a cellar. You were living in a cellar. Ian was shooting a nail gun into his hand. No, I did shoot my friend Jeff with a nail gun. That's what I'm mixing up.

I remember something about Ian being 24 in a horrible accident with a nail gun. I wasn't in the cellar. I was in the opposite. I was living in an attic. I was in a one-bedroom addict apartment in a farmhouse in Delaware. It's an attic. You have to stop calling in an attic. I was. In a one bedroom addict apartment in a farmhouse in Delaware. it's an attic.

You have to stop calling it an attic. It's an attic. Oh my God. Wait, say it again. You need to accept me for who I am. Fine,

then I punch gas tanks. Addict? Addict. Addict. Yeah, addict. Yeah, I was in an attic.

You said addict and you say it a lot. Well, I talk fast. Well, he's an addict. He's a Freudian slip. I was an addict living in an attic. But you're like the lot. Well, I talk fast. Well, he's an addict. He's a Freudian slip. I was an addict living in an attic.

But you're like the youngest. You're the most progressed for your age of the comics, I would say. Oh, my God. That's so nice. How old were you when you started? Like 16. Yeah, you were a baby. You're Taylor Tomlinson style.

Maybe I'm living Ian's life in like a Benjamin Button, like in 40. I'm like an alcoholic. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? I'm front Ian's life in like a Benjamin Button, like in 40. I'm like an alcoholic. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? I'm front-loading it. You're going to live next to a woman that gives you pills because she's a nurse and her name is Vi English. And she's married to Ooga Booga, the leader of the black biker gang in Delaware. I came here for a horrible prophecy of my future.

This is for Ian to transfer to the eyes. That's what Ian looked like at 24. Hey guys. Hey. I was a farmer. No. You weren't a farmer.

You were here. Was I here? 23 I was in Nashville. So yeah, 24 I was here. You were here. Yeah. comedy. You were here. Was I here? Yeah. 23, I was in Nashville. So yeah, 24, I was here. You were here, yeah. Wow. You were here. Everything was fine.

Were you here? Really? We were all here, Jordan. We were all here. We were all here. We've been here the whole time. We were all here. We've been in the space

for the whole time. We were at the Experimental Comedy Gallery with you getting cobwebs on your head. That's right, but we can't over-mythologize. You weren't farming at 24.

I was farming at 22. And then I moved to Nashville. See, both of them, they both love to have this narrative that they spell. Farming beans. Well, I was out in the countryside in Delaware. The fact is, they were both doing open mics. You know what's fucked up? No, I was literally

doing a acapella rap with guys in the hospital detox. We should start a band when we all get out. I went to jail and the woman in jail was like, we should have a potluck after this. That was you. You were that woman.

And we were all like, never will we see any of you again. Oh dude, this guy had one tooth hanging on a thread. I had to sleep in the bubble so they could watch to make sure I didn't seize out. What's the bubble? The bubbles where you sleep in the middle of a room in front of the nurse's station so they can watch you to make sure you don't have a seizure. I think I would jerk off. People had bets on me that I would have a seizure because I was so fucked up

and I didn't talk for four days and I would eat my soup and shake and spill my little soup stew on me. How'd you end up there? I didn't end up there on a home run. I'll tell you that much. Who put you there? The police?

The state. The state. No, no, no. My, my, I, I got, I felt, I got fired. Okay. Well, I thought I got fired from well I thought I got fired from my construction job

for drinking on the job and then I went back two years later to make amends to my boss and I go hey Gene I got sober

I'm moving back to New York and I just want to come and make amends to you I'm sorry and he goes you fucked me I go what do you mean

and he goes I didn't fire you I told you to go home and take a day and come back. And you just never contacted me again. You're like, I was in the hospital for two years, man. I had this narrative in my head that I got fired

on the spot. He just told me, go home, sleep it off, and come back. Meanwhile, you were in a bed with belts on it, just getting clean. They just tried me down. Why? W I left. Weren't you voluntary? No, no, no. I went. I left. Got

a half gallon of vodka. Went home. Called my buddy Fred. Him and our friend Allison came over. He tried to take my vodka. I fought him in the kitchen. They threw me in the car. Took me to detox. I was too drunk to go to detox, so they took me to the hospital. In the hospital, I was screaming to get me vodka, and I ripped my drunk to go to detox. So they took me to the hospital. In the hospital,

I was screaming to get me vodka and I ripped my IV out to spray him with blood, took my IV bag and spiked it like a football in a hospital gown. Be like, just give me vodka

and I'll be better. So they just strapped me down, put a spit mask on me and my mom had to come and get me. And then... Did the blood? I sprayed it. No, no, no.

Okay, okay, okay. See, this is... People don't get drunk like this anymore. I'm serious. This is like 2007 drunk. This is end of Bush. This is 2009.

Oh, 2010 drunk. Okay, early Obama. People were... I was getting blacked out in 2009. Yeah, this doesn't happen anymore. I was getting fucked up in a one-bedroom apartment,

half a gallon of vodka on my knee High out of my skull Writing math equations Like Obama Government Freedom People

No I had it all figured out Do you have any of the papers of the math equations? I think that's what's written on the wall up here What were you high on? Weed, mushrooms, coke My fucking My buddy would come over and read

The bible with me and take frankincense And burn it to try to like Cleanse my apartment of demons So then you got put into rehab And who kept you there? I had already been in rehab I had already been in outpatient Who put you in rehab initially?

I did. Wow, good job. Yeah. Is this how every episode starts, by the way? I didn't know. Is it always just some horrible fact one of you reveals about yourself? Actually, yes.

Truly. Pretty much. Is it really? That's so funny. I can't tell. I feel like a pussy. I'm like, I was on a synchronized ice skating team. Really?

Really? That's crazy. Such different lives. It's. Really? That's amazing. I didn't do a pirouette the right way. I never recovered. Wow. I've never felt like more of a pussy in my life than hearing that story. Were you really synchronized swim?

No, skating. Ice skating. For how long? Six years. Holy shit. Like kindergarten through like middle school. Up early in the morning? It barely does.

There's like six teams. And you guys just do things in unison? Yeah, it's like 12 of us and you're like holding arms and like there's footage somewhere. We played the halftime at a Carolina Hurricanes game. Wow. In front of like 20,000 people. It's like insane. But it's such a niche sport. Did you guys have

to do the thing in fifth grade where you played recorders at the... Yes. Oh, yeah. Why did we all do that? By the way, yeah, is the recorder even a real... Well, I know it's an instrument, but is it like a real instrument? Like, can you go to school for it? I feel like you're setting up a tell joke right now because he literally says it on stage.

Does he? Okay. This is the recorder. It's a real instrument. I'll take you through it. It's got three parts, the head, the shaft, and the ting. This is the recorder, what they call it in the Middle East, the saxophone. And where he goes F-A-G? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He goes E, and I'll teach you how to play it. This is an F. This is an A. This is a G. You can play it, but you can't play it. This is an F. This is an A. This is a G. You can play it, but you can't say it. The other night, Ian's on stage and he's like, what vibrator do you use, Jordan? And I was like,

the one with the suction one. And he goes, ah, yes, the respirator or the ventilator. And he goes, when do you use it? And I was like, pretty much in the morning. He goes, ah, when the flag is at half mast, another day at camp lonely. It was so good.

That was so fun. I love that man. He's the best. I opened for him like years ago when I was in college and he called me the only child of all time. Are you an only child? No, I'm not, but it really, it stuck. Yeah, he nails you in for that too, for being the only child of all time. Are you an only child? No, I'm not.

But it really stuck. He nails Ian for that too. It's really good. On the road, we do activities together. We go around and go to museums. We'll just walk through shopping malls. People watching. And then he'll be like, well, that's enough activity.

I'm like, well, do you want to do this? And he goes, turn the only child off. Sometimes I'll just open Instagram and I'll see Ian on a swan paddle boat with Dave Attell. I'll be like, I didn't realize Ian's on the road. I just see Ian. I just look and I see Ian at Medieval Times with him and Dave, they're smoking cigarettes. They're at the big main table eating a big turkey leg. I'm like, oh, they're

in Ohio. I had no idea. The best is the one where Adele is sitting on the giant chair and Ian is just off to the side. You can tell so much. Ian was like, I'll join you on the chair. He's like, get out. It's so good. Yeah, just doing a bunch of

at a driving range. Just thinking of all the activities. Dude, we played laser tag one time. There you go. And it was amazing, dude. It was us and maybe like a couple parents versus all these kids. And I racked up like 30 kills. And he's just kind of standing around.

I run by and he goes, come here. I'm a field medic. I want to do a laser tag with Dave Attell. No fair. I'm a field medic. I had a laser tag so much. That's so good. Louie just sits down and is like,

let me tell you another story about Lincoln. And you're like, please. Please, I want to tell you another story about Lincoln again. And he's like, you know who? Lincoln's a lot like me. And you're like, what? Dude, one time at 3 a.m. we were smoking outside of a hotel and we were like right by the woods

and there were a bunch of deer. And I go, oh my God, there's deer. I want to get up close and take a picture. And I'm walking and all of a sudden I hear the recorder play and he goes, I'll bring them to you. And he's just playing the recorder outside the woods at three in the morning.

And the other night you said you were walking with him and there were sprinklers going off and Ian like went around and Adele just goes, pussy, and walks through, just gets soaked to the bone. That's so funny. Does he sleep in like a little Ebenezer Scrooge cab? Oh, the image of that would, I would die happy. It's interesting.

The only people I know of with instruments in their pockets at all times are Ian and Dave. Wait, what instrument do you carry? Well, I used to carry a slide whistle. Yeah, he used to carry a slide whistle and he used to have a comb for his mustache. You made it sound like it was a really sad story as to why you don't anymore. Used to? Oh, wow. Jordan, do you want to use it next? Thank you. Ian also used to have a flower

that squirted water on his lapel. I have wooden spoons that I carry around now. I bought them off Instagram at 3 a.m. in a hotel room. And legally, can we talk about it? You used to carry brass knuckles. Can we bleep it out? I got arrested. I remember.

Spent time in jail. And my one call in jail was to a tell to tell him that I was missing the first show. To a tell him. To a tell him. Which legally cost you grandly. Grandly. You should have definitely called a lawyer. Yeah.

Well, also, apparently the cops at Newark Airport don't like jokes because they found $500 cash on me. They go, what's this? I go, it's yours if you let me go. And they go, are you bribing an officer? And I was like, no, no, this, this, I did this. And you did a spin. You did the Charleston. Yeah.

I was like, no, no, no. Let me rephrase. Waka waka. They're like, now that's funny. I can't believe that they put you in jail for brass knuckles. It's crazy. It's like a party favor at this point. I got class four felony weapon charge.

Yeah, I mean. Plead down, got off, criminal mischief, misdemeanor. Shout out my lawyer, Jay Bones. Appreciate it. My best friend's brother. Don't talk about the things he's done on the boat. You're right. How funny would it be if you just went to prison for 10 years for a weapons charge? I would get you out. I got on probation. What were you looking at? You'd get me off.

I'd get you out. It also was funny to be officially charged with mischief. I talked it down to being a silly little guy. Alright, criminal mischief. I pulled out my slide whistle and they were like, he's up to no good. It's crazy that mischief

is a legal term. Now I'm only allowed to do a couple hee-haws. Your honor, I've been a bad boy. Criminal mischief is the cutest thing you could, that's what we should name a new cat. Criminal mischief. We're gonna get a cat while I'm getting it. You've been a She wants me to name the cat Jordan.

Wow. That's a bad idea. Yeah, I think you should just name it Jordan. No, I think I should name it Otis or Clyde. I think it's so funny to have a cat that's your bad idea Yeah I think you should Just name it Jordan No I think I should Name it Otis Or Clyde I think it's so funny To have a pet That's your same name I like old timey pet names

I have a rabbit named Wilbur I think that's fun You have a rabbit That's cute I want a rabbit There's two rabbits I have a gerbil Named Howard Taft

Wait does your rabbit Let you cuddle him Yes Really They use a litter box And they have no cage And they sleep in my bed. Right now? No cage? In North Carolina. How did you teach him to litter box? In New York.

They like learn how to use... I had a bunny. It did not. Wait, lady, you got rabbits sleeping with you in your bed? Jesus, lady. That's crazy. I want a rabbit now. You're going to poop bananas. Wait, what do you do when you're out of town?

My roommates feed them. But I was saying that to say that I like Otis and Clyde because I feel like an old timey, like an 1800s Sherlock Holmes name is really fun for a... Oh, yeah. Oh, Penelope Thumbelina. Here's the thing. I think I need to get another cat for Samson because I've been coming home and he's just so vocal.

His name is Jeff R. Carey. That'd be hilarious. Sorry. Why? Because instead of meowing, he'll go, oh, shucks. Did I do that? Oops. Ian's cat and I have a sort of famously acrimonious relationship.

Yes. He goes very hot and cold with me. This cat. Well, because he hissed at you, right? goes very hot and cold with me, this cat. Oh, this is because he hissed at you, right? Well, Luke has lived with him for a bit and then gains his love and leaves. Yeah, I abandoned him. And then he remembers. This is what Samson did to me today.

He went, here, you be me. Okay. Samson. And he held his mouth open looking at me for so long. Like, yes. He was crazy. Is that it? Yes. Like, yes, he's crazy. Is that it?

Yes. Yeah. I'm the only person. The cat listened to me and stopped in motion. Have you ever seen a cat hold their mouth open like this? No, no, no. You're right. I thought you were.

What do you want? What do you want? A rat reading a newspaper on a toilet? Yeah, we're right here. Let me see that thing. Is that what that means? I sing this song all the fucking time. In my house, I'm sitting on a toilet

doing doodly. Oh, it's Rapsgirmy. Doodly. Oh my God, that's hilarious. Thank you. We also got this over here Something Luke doesn't know nothing about It's a beaver

Oh, because he doesn't have sex Let me see that Was this two things and you made it one thing? Well, I broke it Put it back together But he came on the toilet Oh, I also ordered another one He's got a cape and a wizard queen hat.

Wait, is it a real rat? Yes. No! No, it's fucking make-believe. Yeah, bitch, use your eyes. Yes, he's a real rat. Oh, I didn't know he was a real rat. Yes, he had a life once.

He was alive and well one time. That was Pizza Rat, by the way. This was Pizza Rat. No, I didn't know it was real. He's an underground rat The above ground rats are fat The below ground rats are real slender He's our little guy

You want to touch him? You want to pet him? He's reading the taxidermy times Yeah Here Oh I gotta get the controller Pet him Oh fuck you Here. Oh, I got to get the controller. Turn this off. Oh, whoops. Doesn't work. Pat him.

Oh, fuck you. Oh, my God. Oh, I don't want to do that. That's not part of my thing. That's not part of my thing. That's not part of my thing. Yeah, yeah. So it's really quick.

I will leave. I will leave. That's what your girlfriend says when she's like, will you go down on me? I don't do that. I don't want to do that. That's not part of my thing. That's not part of the thing that I do. I'm not involved in this. So much.

Because we could die from that. No, you can't. Who would want us to die? Okay. We won't. I won't. Look, I'll be in control of it and I'm not hostile. But has anyone passed out from it?

No. You're sitting on a taser. I'll sit on it because if he gets it, it's a nightmare. The worst was when Greg Stone and his brother Were on here And the brother just Every two seconds to Greg Was just

And Greg would just Yeah I don't want to do that Yeah I really don't want to That's not part of my thing We don't do it And put it That's not part of my thing You let Segura tase you

Pretty cool Yeah Wow And he got it More than we've ever been got. Yeah. He held it down. Just because he didn't know what he was doing.

Right. Would you get tased and held down? No. What do you mean? Like. Ah! Like a. Bzzz.

For like a count of two. For how much money? Just for shitting jokes. Would you? Maybe. Put it toitting jokes. Would you? Or is this? Maybe. Put it to the test. For what?

The belt buckle? No, it's my belt buckle now. I bought this belt buckle. Isn't this for girls? Isn't this for girls? Luke, is this buckle for girls? Girl or boy? Wasn't I with you when you bought that?

Did you buy that in Boston? I bought it and I showed her and now she wants it. I got her a different one. I got her this. Ugly. And she doesn't want it. It's not ugly, but it's for men. Yeah, that's more girly than that one.

I said if she keeps that, when people go, whoa, I love that, you're going to go, it's Ian's. It's Ian's. Shake. Yeah, I think that's fine. Okay, so anyway. Where are you guys from hell are you from hell yes

I want to talk about you just were in LA because your girl was in a car accident we're not talking about that you're sick how's she doing did she have whiplash you know what happened to me okay I'll tell you what happened to me Sorry. How's she doing? Does she have whiplash?

You know what happened to me? Okay, I'll tell you what happened to me. Great. I had my mom's car, which was an automatic. I'm not going to drive in those because I'm used to driving stick. I love stick. And then I know. Then I ran into a taxi car, crashed it.

I was wearing a jumpsuit. Airbag goes off. I totaled my mother's car. When? I'm covered in white dust. Whenever I was dating Jack. Oh. Two years ago, I mean, totaled it puffs everywhere. And I run up to the taxi and I'm like, are you okay? And he's like, yes, but you, and I look and I just am white ghost. And the cops forced me back in my car and they're like, you're being weird. Stop asking people you're okay. And they were like, we have to get your car impounded.

And I was like, no, it'll still run. And I eked it all the way back to Brooklyn from Manhattan. Oh, wow. Yeah.

And then my mom got more money for it than she was going to sell it for. So it all worked out. You're being weird. Cracked a rib. They were like,

you need to stop. I've never heard of a cop doing that. Excuse me, ma'am. You're being weird. Ma'am. I have had that said to me so many times.

You're in violation of code 37B9. You're being weird. You're being weird. I have had that said to me so many times. You're in violation of code 37B9. You're being weird. You're being Ian. Excuse me, sir. You're being Ian. Yeah, you're damn right I am. So the one time I was staying here and

Ian and I were walking from the apartment to, did I tell this on the live podcast? I think I might have. No. i were walking from the apartment to uh did i tell this on the live podcast i think i might know no we were walking from the apartment to the coffee shop like two blocks up when winson winson yeah and uh and we saw a fender bender like we saw like a a minor fender bender and all these cars stopped and people started honking like behind the car the accident and ian just takes control of the situation, starts standing in the street and directing traffic all of a sudden.

And this guy's honking and this lady's honking and he walks to the car and goes, Jesus lady, the guy just got in the car accident. And I started laughing so hard, I threw up all over the ground. I was like, because he was going, he was like, this way, come on buddy. He had the little white Mickey

Mouse crossing guard gloves. He's like, come on guys, keep it moving, keep it moving like you've never seen a car accident before. Jesus lady, have some patience. The guy just broke his neck. And then I was like, I've never, I mean like, I've never laughed out before in my life, but I just started throwing up. And I was like, well, we better get to get some coffee now.

Why did you throw up? Because it's hard to imagine the visual of like, he thinks he's like the mayor of this neighborhood. It's so hard to imagine. He had no, He had no... Dude, Ian, I did that shit all the time. Someone needed to step in and take control. Yeah, he put out... No one's doing anything.

He put an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He did a whistle. And he's like, all right, everybody, come on. You already have the slide whistle, so you can do it. A trash can was on fire the other day. I'm the one that put it out. I do that shit. I'm holding wooden spoons.

There was a bus between two cars at my house. And I was like, what are you doing? I was like, let's go. It's because you don't realize everybody's being a huge pussy. Yes. Hey, everybody.

It's your old pal Ian here. And I am coming to you from a hotel room in Rochester, Pennsylvania. No, New York. Why did I say Pennsylvania? I'll tell you why, because I hurt my ankle and Scopo's on the road with me and he's taking care of me and he made me ice it and it is really, really cold

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Yo, are you joking me right now? Sunday, September 3rd. Philly Comedy Festival, baby. I'm going to be there. Fucking McCusker, Butterly, Shainer, La Mer. The Noble Bomb with McCusker. Stoner Dads with Butterly. Weeding Out the Stone with Alex Grubard.

Yeah, yeah. Rose Battle with Louly, Weeding Out the Stone with Alex Grubard. Yeah, yeah. Rose Battle with Lou Maciano. Are you kidding me? It's going to be from noon to midnight. We're hanging in Philly all day long. You better get there. phlcomedyfestival.com for tickets. Good Boy Comedy presents the Philadelphia Comedy Festival, Sunday, September 3rd. I can't fucking wait. It's going to be a blast, dude. Come hang out with us all day long. Noon to midnight. It's going to be the boys, the bros, the dogs, the fellas, the dudes, the guys.

The Philly fun fellas. All under one roof. What more do you want? Huh? It's going to be a fucking blast. I'm doing all the shows. I'm doing all the shows. I'm doing all the pods. It's fucking hang, dude.

Philly. Philadelphia. Yeah, see you there. PHLComedyFestival.com, September 3rd. You better be there. Say hello. And that's that. I have a little bit of a belly ache.

Why? I didn't eat today. That's okay, because last night you poisoned yourself and barfed in your sleep, didn't you? I did. Yes, you did. I ate too much jellies. In your weird hand.

Why do I always do this? I don't know, but it scares the shit out of me. Wait, you poisoned yourself with what? Jordan. He moved on so fast from poison. He ate brisket, bread, beef, steak, every other meat, barbecue. I ate chopped brisket. I ate sausage.

I ate macaroni. I ate chicken. Meatballs? Did you say meatballs? No. I ate potato salad, coleslaw, broccoli salad. He went to a barbecue place. Beans.

Ate it all. Drew up in his sleep. Yeah, I aspirated in my sleep. That's what happens when you get to a certain age. I'm not from no drugs, no alcohol. You ate it from food? I almost died like Jimi Hendrix did. From food?

From barbecue? You're like barbecue Jimi Hendrix? You're the Jimi Hendrix of the pit. Well, hey! He's all in my throat. It's fucked up. Wait, that's crazy. I've never heard of that happening. I was sleeping and I woke up

choking. I had a bunch of liquid in my throat. Oh, God. You really could die. It was like... And I had to get up. No, I think it's a Jewish thing. My friend Harry's dad came in burning. It was like... I had to get up. I think it's a Jewish thing. My friend Harry's dad came in one day and was like, I spit up on my pillow. He's not Jewish.

He's Ashkenazi. Really? I did 23 and me. Oh, I didn't know that. Were you raised Jewish? No, I was raised Italian. He was raised Italian and also he was exercised. No way. Yeah.

Exercised? Yeah. Wow. Did not work. Really? No, my grandparents started to have an exorcism for me because I was such a bitch. Have you not talked about that on the podcast before? I mean, how do I know all the little juicy niblets? I don't know.

This is so crazy. I feel like I should write a book about him. You should. That would be amazing. Wait, what were you looking for? My biography is written by Luke Bonas. Wait, what happened? When he was five years old, his grandfather.

No, I was like 11 or 12. When he was 11. That's so much worse. That's so much worse. When he was like a teenager, his grandparents hired a team of exorcists. A team? I thought it was usually one lady. It was three Jamaican ladies.

Yes. And they hired them to perform an exorcism on Ian and they closed all the blinds and they lit a bunch of candles and they tried to release the demon from his body because clearly he was played by a demon. Who spearheaded this?

You're jumping around and they were like, first, they got their Amish friends to come down from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Do you know, what is it? Rod divining? first they got their Amish friends to come down from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. And, um, do you know, uh, what is it?

Rod, Rod divining. Yeah. You know that? We like find water and they find like bad energy. Oh, so they came to Rod divine. Great comic gone.

Great. I think his headshots on the wall. Rod divine. Yeah. He played the funny, the funny fuck. All right, go ahead. I mean, so they found all these energies. Somebody put me out

of a fire. We'll see. We'll see. So the Amish came and they couldn't solve the energy crisis. So then my grandparents hired these like Jamaican Baptist women to like do an exorcism on the bad energy that was around my family and on me because I was such a bad kid. And, you know, in reality, my father died in like a tragic manner and I never dealt with it.

So I was acting out. I was crazy. And, you know, there was so much like depression and anger. I need another exorcism. Yeah, you really do. Not from Jamaican ladies. You'll have sex with all of them. You want to take it from here?

I was trying to do the exorcism. I wasn't trying to interrupt. I was trying to kill me. Our father. We're in the living room and we're all in a circle and they're all going like, Hakuna Matata is what they're singing in the Lion King.

They're like, Hakuna Matata, no worries. And so in my little like fifth grade head, I'm like, I feel bad. These people are doing all these shimmy shakes and nothing's happening. So I just started to go like. Which, by the way, is what a lot of people do in the, there's like a power of suggestion in like the Pentecostal world where like you're supposed to speak in tongues. And so everyone's around you like standing over you going, you just go.

So I started to go like, and the woman, the woman goes, look, look, it's working. This is a perfect example of what, of the movie we have to make where we go back as ourselves now and go back

and just take you out of there and be like, you guys are being weird. Stop shaking. And you're like, well, thank God. Great point though, that like your childhood trauma clearly just needed to be like talked about

with your family. But instead like they gibberish, they hired. Jamaicans. It made me eat out of a goat's head. Did they make you eat out of a goat's head? No. But then I ran away and I had to be found.

Were you a bad kid? No, I was a real people pleaser, nerdy, goody two-shoes. Wow. Really? Oh, figure skater. I'm glad that that's not like readily apparent though. No. That's cool. That rocks. You seem like you were like a stoner like early. That did happen

towards the end of high school. I started stand up and then like senior year of high school I was like smoking weed every day and I started to be kind of a bad student and I was like I'm going to drop out of high school and move to New York and do comedy and my parents were like. Did you do that? No, you're not. No, no, no. I ended up going to college. They were like you can do comedy. Just like don't be stupid about it. not. I ended up going to college. They were like, you can do comedy. Don't be stupid about it.

Where did you go to college? You were this close to getting exercise. My dad's an atheist. It would have been like a Richard Dawkins exercise. My mom is Richard Dawkins.

For real? My mom is, guess what her cat's name is? Darwin. No. Obsessed with Sam Harris. Shout out my mom is, guess what her cat's name is? Darwin. No. Yes. That's so gross. Shout out, my mom.

Shout out. Shout out. Shout out, Sue. Shout out. Shout out. What? What? I was going to ask Luke.

Am I okay? Don't look at me. I was going to ask you. I went away. Why did you look at me? I didn't do anything. I was going to ask if you were a bad kid, but then I thought I was interrupting you. No, no, this isn't about me.

Go, go, go. I'm freaking out, man. Jesus, lady, you just got in an accident. Jesus, lady. Hold on to you. I can't get over you. Dude, it was bouncing off the street. That's how Ian performs an exorcism on you

is he makes you laugh so hard that you just... We're going to make you laugh. We're going to make you giggle out the deep end. Ian came up to me like the green mile and he just goes... He's like, come on, let me get the bugs out of you, man. Come on. I'm like... I'm like, I on, let me get the bugs out of you, man. Come on. I'm like, whoa.

I'm like, I don't have cancer anymore. Oh, Jesus. Ian in the Green Mile. I'm like, I killed Ian. That's why God is punishing me for killing a miracle of God. Oh, my God. If I had seen you puke, oh,

I think I would have shit. I would have shit my pants right in the street, man. I mean, I've never laughed. You think about times you've laughed really hard. Like it's all like involves a lot of liquid, like the hardest laughs,

like either throw up or like, I remember in like elementary school, like having, remember like the cup of noodles? Yeah. I remember laughing so hard. It's okay. Look at me.

Don't look away from me. Look at me right now. It came out of the piece, came out of my nose. Ian, Ian turns to stone. That the guy who, guy who insists on making, not you not breaking eye contact during a story it's okay you keep your eyes on me don't look away not now I grab Maddie's head

and turn it towards me no you keep your eyes on me child don't open her eyeballs look at me but then the story is like peas came out of my nose most innocuous story so there I was it's nose. Yeah, it's the most innocuous story. So there I was, sitting at the lunch table. It's okay, look at me.

It's like, just the most Stockholm-y. It's okay, look into my eyes. Well, I know everything he's been through, so it's okay. I know how to manipulate. Jesus Christ, you need to calm down. Look at me. Oh, my God. I'm breaking a sweat.

Is that normal? Oh, I am sweating, too. I'm breaking a sweat. Is that normal? I'm sweating so hard. My face is so red. I was told it was going to be a cool 60 degrees down here. I'm losing hair. I feel like I'm going to die down here. You're like a sleep paralysis demon.

I don't think I'm ever going to leave. I give Maddie my oxygen mask. Take this. Maddie, you need it. I just start convulsing. You have to stop with the imaginary things. I mean, this is not a podcast. This is not a podcast.

I don't know what this is, but this is not. Imagine the person who's not. Imagine the person listening to this in their car and not seeing what's happening. They just hear, oh, my God. Wake up. Look at me. me look at me it's so hot no no seriously you keep that away from me i can't fucking do that dude yes jordan that was the best timing i know That was the best timing ever. I'm sorry I'm so close to you right now.

I'm hoping that if we're touching, the electricity will be distributed through both of our bodies. Share it with me. Share your body with me. I got you this. I'm sweating so hard. It says JFK, the case for conspiracy. Read it!

One time last year, I made, I made, my old roommate Steve wrote this joke. Did I tell the hamburger scene story? My old, my, My old roommate Steve wrote this joke that he wanted me to do on stage. That's like the worst joke anyone's ever, everyone's ever written. And I forced Ian, I dared Ian to do it on stage between sets when he was hosting.

At the cellar. I told you about this. And he went up, it was like somebody had just like killed and Ian went up and he was like, all right, everybody. Yeah, keep it going. Keep it going. Hey, why do hamburgers have seeds on them? What do they want us

to do? Plant more hamburgers? Wake up! Very important that he said wake up. It was like a great show and everyone was like... Was wake up part of the original joke?

Wake up sheeple he added Oh my god That made me think of wake up sheeple I'm gonna be at the The notorious The best thing I've seen him do recently Is the Where he was just eating a dick

Talking about his dead father Just trying all new shit at comedy juice and then took and like just when i was like he's just gotta walk off stage this is crazy because you were bringing them down a dark hole oh yeah and then you transition i think from dead dad to trans stuff or something and then he just picked up the mic the mic holder and like held it up against somebody so close to their face and went, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This is a, I hate this comedian detector. Dude, I, like, it was so close. The guy was just like, the guy was just like.

And you beeped. That fucking rocks, dude. It was unbelievable. I hit my forehead down onto the table, hands at my side. I was done. Did it kill? Yes. Yeah, it completely saved it. But then I just walked off stage. And then you walked off stage. I didn't do, like, hands at my side. I was done. Did it kill? Yes. It completely saved it.

But then I just walked off stage. And then you walked off stage. I didn't do like to get him back. I was just like, goodbye. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, I thought you were going to do more time after that because you got him back and you were just like, no, that's it. Oh my God.

But you beeped it for so long to the point that we were like, uh-oh, is this a meltdown? Is this a malfunction? Oh, gold. Catching the mic like a cartoon. Like, oh, is this a meltdown? Is this a malfunction? Oh, gold. Catching the mic like a cartoon. Catching his mouth like a dolphin. You did that riff the other day where I had to go up after you and I was crying when I got on stage.

Were you just talking about being that big black guy's house so that you were so nervous that he was like, he's like, oh, is that one of your snakes? Nice. Oh, is that a 3D printer? Cool. And I 3D printer. I lost it. And then I had to go up and I was like crying. Oh, my God.

Well, this guy had a full. I mean, according to your story. Yeah. This is one second. I don't have primary sources. You just tell him everything immediately. You just call him up and you just. We talk all the time.

You have a podcast. Yeah. This is our podcast. This is my our podcast thank you for being a guest oh luke picks up the phone when i call him wow well because i've been i've you know i'm worried that he's gonna you know i'm worried i'm gonna pick up the oh by the way i was walking yesterday on the upper east side and there was a there was a jumper no way yeah they got him off they got him off the did you say I wish you would step back from that ledge My friend And we could

Cut ties with all the lies That you've been living in And If you do not want to see me again Maddie this is you I would understand Yeah And if you saw him the same way as I did him,

hey, Icy Nova's a piece of cake. I want you to know. Anyway, the guy did die. He's okay. He's okay. The guy turned into marinara sauce all over the ground. Look at me. Okay.

No, the guy, they talked him off the ledge. It was crazy. What ledge? Wait, guys, is that coming from one of you? I thought it was like an air vent. What's happening? Is there a carbon monoxide leak? That would explain the whole podcast.

I had the taste. He looked at it, and then he crumpled his whole body. He got it over the corner. Wait, what? Wait, you got tased. Oh, yeah, you're not to tase me. I hate the taser. You're not to tase me.

And then you wrinkled. You turned into a wrinkly bag being pulled inside out. Yeah, you're not to tase me under any circumstances. What happens if we go on this camera? Are we allowed to? I'm not getting anywhere closer to the taser. How does it make it stop? I'm sweating.

Wait, where was this ledge? On the Upper East Side. It was like doctor and nurse housing next to like on York, on the Upper East Side. And everyone was just just you realize how people are just animals everyone was just going for like an hour and then i was like look at these fucking sheep and then next thing i know i'm just going yeah is he gonna jump or what and then and then you go on you go on uh uh what's that thing called reddit. No, fucking Citizen. You go on Citizen. New York

Citizen is so different than LA Citizen because LA Citizen is like, New York and all that. Sorry, I should have just continued this story. Wait, LA is like what? My dog, he lost his bow tie. No, LA Citizen is just more detailed. It's like, oh, I've seen that guy.

He walks up and down the street with a sword or whatever. But New York, it just says, we got a jumper. That's all it says. That's great. Yeah, it just says, jumper, jumper. Jump, jump, jump, please. Criss-cross will make you jump, jump. Hot taxos will make you jump, jump.

Your wife cheating on you will make you jump, jump. But this was a doctor, so he was probably under stress. I know you're going to tase me. I thought you were going to. I saw you reaching. We're here to talk. We're here to plug our book, by the way. When are we going to plug our book?

What happened with the guy? JFK, the record. It's another JFK book. Excuse me. I'm here to plug my book. What happened with the man? This is kind of offensive, by the way, that you have this on when we're here. Someone made it for us.

And it has an I and a J. And an E. I was trying to make a joke about us being Jews. Everybody in this damn city is a Jew. We're Jewish and it's inception. Speaking of Jews, thanks for killing JFK. What is the difference between a top and a dreidel? A top, thanks for killing JFK. What is the difference

between a top and a dreidel? Well, a top is the one that fucks. And a dreidel is the one that gets fucked. That's a Jew joke. Marshall Evans. Hey, what happened with the jumpy guy? I told you, they popped him off the ledge. Was he just dicking around?

Oh, I don't think he was dicking around. Did he look sad? How high up was he? He was high. He was high. He was like a very tall medical building. I was thinking about moving into this apartment, but it's too high up, and I'm worried I would kill myself. I think he was, you know how I think they got him? I think he was dangling. Dangling?

Jeez. He's a little dangly guy? Easy. Oh, okay. Was he sitting? I think he may have been sitting. He may have been doing side saddle on the window. Hey, now. That's not a jumper. That's a hanger outer. Oh, okay. Was he sitting? I think he may have been sitting. He may have been doing side saddle on the window. Hey, now. That's not a jumper. That's a hanger outer. Oh, Jordan, it's a jumper.

If somebody says they're going to jump, we got to jump. Oh, he said, I'm going to jump. Yeah, we got a live one. Who says that? How do you know? You walked up later. I was standing. Jumpers do that.

I can't describe to you how long I was standing behind the caution tape going, what the hell? Spider-Man's a hero. You leave Spider-Man alone. I'm standing behind the tape going, that's what you get, goblin, or whatever. Being part of New York. Oh, man. He lost his uncle at a young age.

Wait, where did you get this JFK thing? I went to Dealey Plaza. Is this Ashton Kutcher in Jobs? I'm having an intrusive thought of him getting tased, and it is really hard for me. Wait, what? Nothing. I can't.

I can't because then I'll laugh for another 15 minutes. If you tase me? If I, even if I make the taser. If you pull out the taser, I will. Leave because we're 45 minutes in, and that would be a timely manner. Oh, you scared? There's a little broccoli flower.

Wow, you are a veggie tales character. If I don't get my haircut, if I get two weeks long, they'll get my haircut. I just hear, look at you, man. You look like a piece of cauliflower. Listen, lady. Listen, lady. The guy just like a piece of cauliflower. Listen, lady. Listen, lady.

The guy just got an accident. He's got whiplash for crying out loud. That's a really good impression. The arms and the head up. Oh, yeah. You did a good impression of me the other night, I think, right? You're making fun of me on stage?

Did I do a good impression of you? I think I might have. I think my impression of you is just you don't know what's going on. Yeah, totally. You're like, and then this happened, and then this happened. Where was I again? I don't know what's going on.

What's going on? I don't know where I am at any given time. Like, here, my theory with Jordan is that I've got maybe, I think I, again, Who cares? It doesn't matter. I feel like if we put you, like, somewhere in New York, you wouldn't know how to get home. That is a hundred percent.

The other day I walked to the cellar. I walked, I was like, we're going to the cellar. And I walked with Ron on just to the water, to the edge of the city until buildings disappeared. And I was like, Hey, I have to go. He was like, aren't you leading? And I was like, no way. If we get Jordan a baseball bat and had her spin around on the ground We'd never see her again

Dude The amount of She'd be in Topeka She'd be like excuse me do you know where Prospect Park is Alright alright that's the episode Ethan's gotta go Oh yeah I have to go too This was the fucking best

Thank you guys so much. What do you guys want everyone to check out? When does this come out? Oh, two. Okay, so I'm gonna be doing your show, but that's after. Is it? I think so. Why don't you go? I have a podcast called

Phones in the Bag with my buddy Kenyon Adamchick. It's a good time. I'm not going on the road for a minute. That's really it. I'm on Instagram, Maddie T. Wiener. Check Maddie out. She's so fucking funny, man. That fucking the cookie joke, right? Oh, yeah.

So fucking funny. Dude, thanks so much. Yeah, I'm just being nice. That one's so funny. I watched your whole set the other night and it was just fucking hit after hit. It was just so well written. Louis C.K. said

Maddie is incredible. Meanwhile, I'm actually pretty bad. Oh yeah, Luke's fine. No, I am bad. Bad. Whenever you're recovering, that is my favorite thing in comedy that exists you at the barber

shop doing like 10 minutes on like we're in a barber shop and barbicide sounds like killing a barber yeah it was the funniest thing i've ever heard in my fucking life i think you might be the ultimate refer which is why the seller is perfect for you that's very sweet pivot listen uh i'm gonna be in eugene and seattle on sept September 16th and then 17th is Seattle. And then I'm going to be with Joe List in Dallas on August 24th through 26th. At the Addison Improv. At the Addison Improv.

I was just there. Oh, that's great. Amazing club. Such a fun time. I'm in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm in LA with Luke. I'm doing two shows at the Improv after Phoenix. I'm in Comedy Works at the Comedy.

Nope, not Comedy Works. Comedy Fort at what's it called? Fort Collins, Colorado. Come on out to there. IanFidance.com. Shout out Justin Gilman. He did my site. I really appreciate it.

I am at Comedy on Carlson at the end of August. Toronto Comedy Bar, Toronto, Ontario, Canada. And also Roar in Springfield, Massachusetts. Oh, bro. All right!

Should we come out to that? It's a contract violator. Even if you're within an hour, two, three hours, come to the show. It's... Ian, do you still have that spit guard from when you were hospitalized? I'll bring my IV bag. I'll sign it for you.

I'll spike it. Adam Friedland's calling. Ianfinance.com. I love you. I animal 69. And patreon.com slash beanie and pod. We love you guys. Thank you so much.

Bye-bye.