Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 058: Donkey Whisperer

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan!

With Jordan! Why are you wearing all this? Disguise. We all wear masks. We all wear masks. Some emotional, some physical. We all wear masks. What's his name in that movie?

You're the disease. I'm the cure. Cobra. I'm talking about the disease. I'm the cure. Cobra. I'm talking about The Mask. I don't have a mask. I'm talking about The Mask, the movie starring Jim Carrey. Somebody stop me. Ay, ay, ay, ay.

Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. P-A-R-T-Y. Cause I gotta blow the horn. He goes, he said. he said, he said. You're good, kid. You're real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, eh?

Eh? Welcome back to another Barn Burner episode of Bein' Ian with Jordan. I'm Ian. This is... Jordan. And we are coming to you Beanie and with Jordan. I'm Ian. This is Aiden. And we are coming to you live from the Delaware Den. That's right. Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. Five bucks a month.

Catchy early episodes. Bonus episodes. Monthly mixtapes and a lot more. I did radio while I was in Phoenix. Oh, you ended up doing it. I told you. Didn't I tell you? Everything you don't want to do

I tell you to do, you have fun and you enjoy. I find in life I play a story in my head that I shouldn't do things and will not want it and when I push through and I do it. And the club did rip me off. It ends up being worth it. How'd they rip you off? Let's hear this one.

I'm not going to talk about it on the pod. And that, my friends, is called a lesson learned. It's called growth. Yeah. Yeah. Here's some growth we need to work on. Do you? No. I have a good wiener.

Yeah, bitchbowl. No. No. Ghost fishbowl. No. Here's something we need to work on for growth. Do you think I run Con Edison? Do you?

No. Really? I don't. Then why do you leave every fucking light on in my apartment? Doors wide open, lights on, bathroom lights, door open, no toilet paper, bedroom door open, light on,

living room light on. It's your little lamp. It's like a remembrance lamp for Jordan. No! Oh, wow! Remember me? You leave that little light on like a shrine. And I leave it on because when I miss you, I go, Jordan. Yeah, I leave a lot of cupboard doors open too.

You do. One time Samson got in because of me. I didn't say anything, but that's why he got in. Yeah. Which brings me up to my next point. How can cats open things? You are autistic. Yeah.

Uh-huh. You are. It's wild. Is that my fault your cat has thumbs and a curiosity that might kill him? No, curiosity won't kill that cat. I feel so bad. He keeps lounging right in the window, and that's where I knock to get in because you still haven't gotten me a fucking key made.

And I knock, and he has to run away. Ethan came in today, Samson, by the window, didn't get up, didn't run away. Ethan came in today. Samson by the window. Didn't get up. Didn't run away. He's being such a good guy. Please don't knock. You can tell who's a perfect... Call.

Oh. Don't knock. It scares him. He used to run. The second someone would jingle jangle the door. He doesn't. He was headbutting us. Somebody was jingling.

And jangling? They were jingling. They were jangling. And my big old dick was jangling. Does he watch you have sex? Yes. Really? No.

Okay. I move him. And then he laid upon me and Emma when we were canoodling in bed. It was nice. He laid upon you? Laid upon us. Our legs intertwined. Handheld.

Kissy lips. Mwah, mwah one cat on the head per we're not having another episode describing how you backed that dad ass up oh i backed that ass up and you look good once you when I when I topped from the bottom I go I'm backing up the truck now turn the lights off okay then you okay what did I leave on

bathroom light kitchen light little lamp all the lights on What did I leave on? Bathroom. Bathroom light. Bedroom light. Kitchen light. Little lamp. All the lights on. I didn't turn the lamp on. I didn't turn the kitchen light on. You turn the lamp on every time you come into the house.

Every time I come. Every time you come, you turn the lamp on. I did Andy Haynes' podcast today. Yes. I forgot to turn the AC up. It's getting a little hot down here, huh? No, it's okay. Maybe if you took off your hat in disguise.

Who am I today? I don't know. I'm Disguise Man. You're Disguise Man. I am Disguise Man. No one knows who I am. I'm Disguise Man. Speaking of Disguise Man.

Oh, hey, it's Ian. Hey, what'd I miss? You were disguise man again. It was really weird. Oh, it's hot. Turtle. Rihanna, somebody wrote Grouchy made Master of Disguise stickers for us. That's me.

Am I not turtle enough for the turtle club? Man, he really was Made Master of Disguise stickers for us. That's me. Am I not turtling enough for the Turtle Club? Man, he really was incredible. Did you know he was from Phoenix? No. David Spade was. Do you know the Dana Carvey show was like the greatest show writing team ever assembled? Oh, Dana, why do you keep doing that to me?

Because you're whipping me with your game. I didn't touch that time. You're threatening me. It's my attention getter. This is my attention getter. Well, I'm tired of it and I'm not scared anymore. Kind of like your dick.

Tired of that and I'm not scared of it either. I'm not scared of that anymore. Go for it. I will not jump. I will not. Yeah. Do it again.

Do it again. One more time. One more time. I think Mark Norman maybe had the best one. Who's the person who crumpled into the girl? Luke Moniz turned himself into a tiny accordion and became a piece of paper and threw himself away in the wastebasket. No, James Madden was like, oh Oh yeah, James Madden got electrocuted

and Mark Norman went, that brings me back. And Aaron Heard went... Aye, aye, aye. Yeah, yeah. I'm in the depression session. What's going on? Do you want me to take my disguise off?

Have a real talk? Yeah. Ian! There you are! What? No. Time to start the podcast. Row the horn! Sorry, what'd I miss? Why are you in depression?

I don't know. Just have to ride it out. And that's what it is. You have to make friends with it and just have to ride it out and that's what it is you have to make friends with it and you have to go this is what it is there's no reason it comes it goes I know it's gone away before

it'll go away again and right now I'm just going to accept where I'm at you know this song car seat headrest it comes and goes in plateaus one month later I'm a fucking pro my parents would be proud. And fall asleep.

You know that song? No, but I'm not. Killer Whales is a good song. I know the band. You know what used to be my song? Polar Opposites by Modest Mouse. I'm trying. I'm trying to drink away the parts of the day that I cannot sleep away.

That's good. Bottle of vodka upstairs. Computer duster in my right hand. 2007. Bad place. Isn't it crazy I've been in this spot since 2007? I've had so many fucking different lives upstairs. I think you have to move.

No. You want me to move to LA and it's not happening. I want to move to LA. Yeah. And you told Luke. Tell Luke that you and I are moving to LA. I said, we take one picture of you and I together in LA. Ian's moving there. Why not?

Because we're New Yorkers. This is us. So why would we still be New Yorkers? Let's do this. Let's make enough money in the pod that we can, I want to be happy. We can have a place in LA that we go to visit, but living there, I'm telling you, it's not a good idea.

And I'm bouncing. No, you're not. Yeah. I'll, I'll kill myself. No, you won't.

What do you think Ethan's going to say? Write it down. Write that down. Write it down. Write it down. Uh, you're not himself. Write that down. You're not to kill himself. Write that down.

You're not. You can't move past this. In one year. No. That's not happening. We have such a good thing. You're not, Jordan. This is joke time.

I know it's going to upset you. Trust me. I've told everybody in L.A. You go to L.A. once for a week and you're like, this place is great. Multiple me. I've told everybody in LA. You go to LA once for a week and you're like, this place is great. Multiple times. I've been there multiple times recently. Now we're going there once a month.

Every other month. Sorry. We as in us? Me and Jake to run the new joke show at the store. Oh, cool. If I had said it's me and you, you'd have been like, your stupid tail would have wagged.

I'll go out and visit, but I'm not fucking leaving. Great. You can come out out and visit we'll record a bunch of episodes you're so full of shit it it is astounding to me i am not exciting an extended lease because i'm thinking about it so strongly cool good go for it okay i will no you won't. Yes, I will. That was supposed to be reverse psychology. If it is when I am there, I if it could just be that I'm visiting. Yes. It could be that I'm in depression now. Yes. But I would right now.

My mindset is that I would like to move there. That's great. And that's a feeling. Feel it and let it pass. Just like the depression. But I guarantee. You can't say that being stationary in one city is the same as depression. But I guarantee... You can't say that being stationary in one city is the same as depression.

But we're not stationary. We travel every weekend. This is home base. Go to LA for a little bit. Wouldn't it be nice if the home base wasn't hell on earth? Wasn't a fiery inferno of people folded over doing heroin?

Oh, what do you think fucking LA is? A fucking utopia? You go a lot of blocks without seeing the folded guy. Because you've been in one area in LA by the fucking store. The store is the part that has the most. You can just

express that it worries you about me moving and you don't have to belittle me for it. That's a fair assessment. It worries me. It scares me. You went into full five yards. And I don't like change. And every time I feel secure, something happens and someone leaves me. So, about that.

Well, I'm not your parent. Mommy. And if I move, you will probably also move, which will be better for you too. You're an insane person. No, I'm not. I mean, we have factual evidence. How many times can we do these same rooms forever? We got to see something new.

That's why you go out and visit. You realize you go to LA, you're going to get on stage twice a week. And then what are you going to do with the rest of the weekends? Talk to any fucking comic out there. They hate it. Why do you think every comic... I've talked to a bunch of them. Who? Luke, Laura, Whitney,

Bobby Lee, Santino. Yeah, Santino's moving to New York. Any letter me. Bobby is... These are people that are... Fucking Bobby is busy fucking filming movies every day and fucking touring all the time. I'm telling you, you go out to L.A. You were going to be so miserable and I'm going to have to go out there and rescue you and bring you back.

And I'll do it. I'll do it. You go. Do it. I'm hungry. That's what it is. You're hungry. Have you eaten today?

No. There it is. What do you want to eat? Nothing. I'm trying. That's what it is. You're hungry. Have you eaten today? No. There it is. What do you want to eat? Nothing. I'm trying to starve. I have to get the devil out of my body, so I'm fasting. Jordan. There's a demon in there.

You need to eat regular. No, I got to kill the devil. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to handcuff you to me. Handcuff? I'm going to handcuff. Handcuff? I'm going to handcuff you to me. Handcuff? I'm going to handcuff. Handcuff? I'm going to handcuff you to me.

Yeah. You to me? I know that's what you want, but that's not what's going to happen. Yeah, I'm going to handcuff you. You're not going to handcuff me to me. I'm going to handcuff you. You're not going to handcuff me to you. You're going to be to me.

You're going to be handcuffed. You ever been handcuffed to somebody? You've been handcuffed to me. You're going to be. I don't like when they handcuff you behind the back. It really is awful. It hurts. They're tight. It's tight. It really is awful. It hurts. They're tight.

It's tight. It's really the most uncomfortable position. You don't really know until you're in them. But once you're in them, you're like, this sucks. Getting handcuffed and having the cop put a cigarette in your mouth and light it and getting fucking walked to jail. That feels pretty fucking badass. Let me do it again why don't I smoke a cigarette

and I'll show you what it looks like give me your vape please you can go an hour without a cigarette you're crazy can I please have a puff of the vape no here's why you're a fucking bitch

because you won't let me even vape. And you fucking vape. Yeah, vaping is not secondhand smoke. Yeah, so let me vape, please. No, because now you're just doubly bad. Dude. You're just smoking a cigarette every hour and you'll be addicted to the vape.

You can't fucking change me. Ethan. Don't go to fucking him. You're hostile and scary. Take a break. Let's take a break so Ian can go smoke. Pause. You're hostile and scary. Take a break. Let's take a break so Ian can go smoke. Pause. Here it is.

The fucking, the PA train's in town. Yay. Passive aggressive. No, I'm fine with taking a break. We just started. I'm not taking a break to smoke. I would like to just take a puff of the vape if that would be okay. So you'll be a vape guy and a puffer that's that's that's

that's rude because i'm stressed out about you leaving and so i would like what i was talking about with the manipulation last night you make things emotional so that you can get your way and it's retarded it's it is rude to be upstairs to go you can have some of my vape. And then now... I didn't say that. I said no. Yes, you did. No, I said no. I heard you say yes. I said no. I said no. Well, you're going to deal with me being crabby.

Okay, fine. Be crabby. You want to be crabby? I'll be crabby. What? Nothing. What happened? Are you okay? There wasn't anything.

You got me. I did get you. Oh, oh, oh. What, um. Wait. Oh, hey. Oh. You know what else? Come on, let's snort these. All right. Oh, hey. Oh. You know what else?

Come on, let's snort these. All right. To feel better. Is that nice my mom sent these to us because you were feeling sick? Ah, very sweet. Shout out, Gail. Where'd she get them? Amazon.

You want to know something that is a little autistic about me? The rubber band under the plastic wrap makes me freaked out. Also, what's autistic about you is you always have to have a little guy touch. Oh, my little guy. Little guy touch. Uh-huh. No, shitty. Oh, little guy. Oh, where's your queen?

Um, so why are you in a depression? Why am I in a depression? Just... Here, share your feelings as if the rat is speaking. Oh, good idea. Hey, Jordan, please tell me. Shut the fuck up. Fair enough.

Shut your fucking mouth. Fair enough. This is my time. Oh, okay, I'm depressed because... Because I never feel like I'm doing enough, even though I feel like I'm doing so well at the time. I have a really hard time living in the moment, and I'm always worried about being abandoned.

So I kind of surreptitiously ruin things by being a cunt to everybody because I know they'll end up leaving me anyway. cunt to everybody because I know they'll end up leaving me anyway. And I am. Yeah, I'm I. In my business, we call that a bit of a self-saboteur. And I must say, it's good you're recognizing that type of behavior, because once you recognize it, you can realize it and put a stop to it. First way to put a stop to it is by saying, I will not leave New York and go to L.A. Because then I am the abandoner. Oh, no. You're making my problems your problems now. Because we're together forever.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. I command you! Sorry, I got a bit shaken up. Yeah. Why do you think you're afraid people will abandon you, Jordan?

Can we get a pet bunny? Sure. Name a desert bunny. Anything you want. Yeah. Why do you think that you fear abandonment? Well, I... And what can you do to combat it? I can talk to little rat men.

Good. And I can squeeze them really tight. Good job, George from Of Mice and Men. And I can hug them. Good, yes. And I can bite their little noses. Okay, a little scary, but at least you're smiling.

Okay. And I can... Triple kiss. Okay, a little scary, but at least you're smiling. Okay. And I can... Triple kiss. No triple kiss. That one has blood mouth. It's not blood mouth. It's glue. That's not glue and you know it.

I was born with a cleft palate. I was born in the darkness. I was born in the darkness. Please, I hope you understand. I was born with a deformity, and it makes me insecure. Um, and I could, um, I can move into an apartment by myself so that I can have friends over and not feel like I'm trapped with two stinky boys. That's a good idea.

Oh, thank you. And? You know, a friend of mine went to your apartment... ...and there were bugs everywhere. The rat's apartment, not yours. Who's a rat? The rat's. Not yours.

Oh, yeah, there are bugs. You saw some bugs. We got a couple bugs. A couple bugs? You named them, didn't you? What were their names? That's a rat. And

Did you name one of the bugs Ethan is tired of this bit? Did you name the other one? I thought you meant Ethan is tired as in my roommate. Ethan because he's always sleeping on the couch. That's what I hate about the apartment. I literally they come in and see me sitting on the couch and they're like, okay.

There's something about dudes and couches. We love a couch. Yeah. So do I. I love a couch. So do we love a couch. Cause you're a dude. No,

women also like sitting on the couch and watching TV. It's a nice thing, but you guys are always sweating on it, falling asleep, drooling on it. Oh, it's wonderful. The next thing I know, the couch isn't a couch couch but it's just laying in somebody's dirty bed it's not even like

laying in somebody's bed because you can't throw the comforter over and have it be clean it's laying in their sheet it's laying on the under sheet of somebody's bed i've never put it into words like that but that's what it is good you're you're expressing i don't want to lay in the under sheet of the boys beds do you know so cute today when i got up and they were or last night i came home and they were watching. He knows I'm sensitive about them always watching. Every time I come in, they're always watching a show that I hate.

And I'm like, well, I'm going to my room immediately. Like boys playing football. Like football. Oh, the boys playing football show. I know.

You know, you know why guys like sleeping on the couch? Because some of our best memories as children was falling asleep on the couch and getting cradled and brought to bed by a parent. I have the same thing. I love to fall asleep watching TV. Yeah. But I don't like falling asleep watching TV on a couch that has been slept on

every single night by somebody while I was out of town. Eventually, you're respectful and you go to your room. You fall asleep, you go, that was nice. And then you go and go to bed. You know, a place that that doesn't happen by myself. My apartment. Yes. You fall asleep on the couch all the time. No, no. But I have a blanket and I wash it and I change it. So the couch doesn't get sleep, sleep eyes.

Sleeped. Doesn't get sleeped. Listen, I know. You should get your own apartment. You would really fucking enjoy that. Yeah, I had an Airbnb in LA and I'm like There it is. And it's not LA. You can do that here. This thing's scary, that tail. It's a bit of an erection.

Yeah. Looks like a gear shift. Hey, it's broken! Watch out! Watch out. Watch out. Watch out. How about this? When Aziz asked what happened to my ankle and I go, I was involved in a freak dick sucking accident.

Why was he being like that? You should see the other guy. Why was he walking by us like that? He was scoping something out. He's a little weirdo. That was so funny. You're on the top of the stairs and I'm on the bottom and Madden's in the middle. He's like, hey, Ian's up here, Jordan's down there. You guys should do a little weirdo. That was so funny. You're on the top of the stairs and I'm on the bottom and Madden's in the middle. And he's like, hey, he ends up here.

Jordan's down there. You guys should do a podcast right now. And I was like, I am mad at him. And he was like, you could tell that he was just like, ah. And he looked at me and I went. And then I went over the railing and I went, hello. And then we talked and then I slowly inched forward. I go, is it okay with you if I come closer?

You said, is it okay if I come down? You're standing up in his hands. Is it okay if I come down? Yeah. Give me a hug. No, you little weasel. No! You little weasel! Stop.

Don't chuff it all over. Stop, dude. You already have horrible lungs. It's not good to double do. You know, I got a chest x-ray and they said it's totally fine. That's what they always say. You can't tell from x-rays. And I said,

that means I can keep smoking and the doctor said- They said that to my dad and it fucked him up and he died very soon after. They can't check your arteries. It's not a problem with your lungs. It's your arteries. They gave me blood work.

They checked all my fucking blood. They said that your cardiovascular is in perfect health. Yes, they said your blood is wonderful. They said your chest is fine. They said Jordan needs to chill. And. Stop, dude. You're freaky.

You can go an hour without a cig. You're freaking me out. This isn't a cig. Let me live my life. That's my. I bought it. I don't like watching this. Why is it so heavy on me?

Stop, because you have, because you're not supposed to do both. You're not supposed to smoke and vape. Stop chuffing it like it's weed. You're so weird. Weirdo. All right, give me another hug and I won't. No, no more hugs.

No more hugs. No. More hugs. No. Stop. No More hugs No Stop Listen Yes It's sweaty It's not sweaty

You just fucking Sucked nicotine so deep in your lungs Like you were a kid hitting a blunt for the first time With all those buddies going You're not supposed to you know the first time i smoked weed i told the guy that gave it to me i i go i go hey man if you give me the rest of that weed my grandma gives me money every christmas and i'll give you the Christmas check. I was like, what? Wow. Already a... Yeah.

Yeah. And then I said, can you hook me up with that sophomore? I'll give you some of my grandmother's Christmas check. If only she knew. And then these guys tried to get me to eat cat litter. And then I passed out in the front yard and blamed it on food poisoning.

One time my dad kicked these tenants out and they murdered my rabbit. What? Is that why you want a rabbit so bad? It was beautiful. Black and white. Should we get a rabbit down here? Yeah. Put him right there? Bunny! Ethan?

Oh, we can hold it. Ethan says no. Why? Because Ethan just got upgraded to lieutenant of the fun police. Yeah. Because one, I'm going to be the one that has to take care of this responsibility. I will clean it. What? I don't want the rabbit. And I'm allergic to rabbits.

Oh. Because again, I'm going to have to be the one that takes care of it. Y'all don't even clean up after yourselves down here. Where? Yeah. That's a good point. It is a good point. Thank you. It would that's a good point. It is a good point. Thank you.

It would be fun, but, you know. You could get one in secret. That's why all our pets have to be dead. All of my plants are dead, too. Yeah, literally. All of my plants are dead. All my plants are dead. I feel like a fish or something. I'll take care of a fish.

I hate fish. You know I had a fish and I killed it by accident. I had a fish and I threw it at my boyfriend. I was mad. I didn't know I would catch it so good. Reach my hand in, grab it, threw it. Killed it. Very sad. I was sad about it. I had a fish

and I was putting on cologne. I go, one for me? Oh my god. I was in high school. I was in college when I threw that fish. Yeah. I was a grown ass woman. It was like this. I was like, and take

your fish. And I reached in. I was like, wow, I really caught the fish. Well, gotta throw it now. And I threw it at him and I felt so guilty. Oh, I shouldn't have killed him. And then I grabbed it off the floor. I'm so mad that I hurt my ankle because I was enjoying the gym so much. I know. You could go

and do upper body. Yeah, but I even tried to squat and it like fucked my heel up. Yeah, squatting is lower body. You can't bend like that, but you could go and just do arm weights. Or a buddy of mine sent me lay down exercises, which made me think of your joke about

can you exercise laying down? Because you're depressed. And when I heard that last night, I go, you can. I will send them. But you can lay down at the gym with your boys. I do want to lay down with my boys. I know you do.

I want to lay down with my bros. Last night, you making me promise that you wouldn't say, that I wouldn't say on the podcast that you have a question. I don't know. No. Stop. That was so funny at the cellar when you were talking and you were about to go into full black voice

and you were like and then he said it and I was like don't do black voice and you were like yep you're right that was so funny and there was a whole table of like a big black family behind you the comics like my black voice dude they weren't comics they were like a family

and you were like and then he said and I was like don't do black voice Temple and, they weren't comics. They were like a favorite. And you were like, and then he said, and I was like, don't do black voice. And you're like, hmm. Temple and Derek used to make me do black Ian where I do my act, but in a black voice. And they're like, dude, that's funnier than your regular delivery. One of the bonding first moments me and Louis talked was,

it wasn't even a talk. One of the hosts, white guy gets on stage after Will Silvins and just did just was accidentally fell into black voice you know what i mean and i like looked and louie was like and i was like it's always a rough thing when you see a father of two who's like a patagonia dad being like well shit y'all enjoyed that last comic hello fresh It's your old pal Ian here. Life is crazy. Trust me.

I'm with now. I'm heavily medicated. You got to save some time where you can. That's why I grind up all my medication pills and put them in one blender. I'm kidding.

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Remember that? Dude, one time I was bombing so bad at an alligator bar. Remember that? Have you ever seen? Years ago. Your story, then mine. Well, no, I was just bombing so bad, I just started doing everything in Tim Allen voice.

I was just bombing so bad. I just started doing everything in Tim Allen voice. I was just like. After every joke that would bomb, I go. You do this thing when you're when you are being mean to somebody or you have a tell. You go like this. You're like, yeah. And then you're fucking never going to get married because you're probably grew up in a. And then people laugh and you go like this you're like yeah and then you're fucking never gonna get married because you're probably grew up in a dead and then people laugh and you go like this you go anyway and you're it is so funny watch the most recent clip you posted it you're like yeah then here's i'm gonna

fucking get your ass like and you're like yeah and then also it's like totally breaks the fucking fourth wall and you're like love me anyway your parents fucking hate you i bet and they're like that's not true yeah dude it's so funny that's not true you fucking bitch yeah yeah is that good is that good it's like when you say something look at ethan and you're like and he's like what do you want me to give you i'm just love maybe just dog treats. It is so. Have you seen. What's the one that's not Howl's Moving Castle, but the other one Spirited Away? The depression person in that guy with no face is such a good represent representation of depression. It's just a guy with a mask on like this.

And the noise he makes is this. OK. And then when they give it food, it gets really out of control and keeps eating food and eating people such a good depiction of depression it's like an anime kind of movie the cow's moving castle it's really good but it was a very good that and the how about talk to me rabbits i don't want to talk about it it scared me and I nearly fainted oh yeah it was so scary you crushed

it was so scary I did crush I crushed with it why oh did we talk about this okay we talked about my trip to LA

I would love to hear about it thanks if it ends in a way that says it was a one time trip and it was really great and then i did the big room after bobby it was so fun good and i did annie letterman's podcast we should have her on she's hilarious yes and oh oh wow and i did craig condon's podcast and that was really funny as a lot of cats nice small ones, little ones, cute ones

big weird faced ones, little round black guy really cute a little fat one that sits on you sits right on your lap I love fat ones that sit on you you know Nick Mullins cat, it's a little puffer oh Heather I named her

great cat, this cat was also a great cat like that kind of gross but also good Samson is not gross thank you Samson is a king yeah he's a small prince I love him so much

doesn't he communicate I really think he tries to talk to us yes I've seen you talk to him yeah he really dude when he does

a little headbutt he goes I really do get it I get the hype I get the Samson hype just now when you said give me a kiss and he's like, you just stuck his face. Yeah, it's pretty good.

That's why we should get a bunny so that he can have a bunny friend. I would get a bunny. What about a hairless one? Keep it upstairs. Yeah, we can keep it upstairs. What if we get a bunny and we shave it every week? What if we can? I mean, y'all can get a bunny.

I do not care if you get a bunny. You would shave a bunny every week? I just do not want to be the one that takes care of this bunny. One time my bunny. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Make that face. Hold on, hold on. Do that again.

What if we get a bunny and shave it everywhere? Now, this is something I could get used to. I think I'm going to shave the bunny. My bunny went like this. It was on the couch one day when I was little. Peter, the one who got killed by my trash neighbors. And it went, eee. And I called my mom and I was like, mom, mom, Peter's going eee.

And she could hear it and he goes, he's in heat. He wants to be fucked. He wants to fuck a girl rabbit. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, I googled it. He's in heat. He's horny. He's to fuck a girl rabbit. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, I googled it. He said, hey, he's horny. Really horny. They do that when they're either in distress or they're really horny. He's probably really horny.

And I was like, what's horny? And she's like, he wants to have sex, Jordan. Listen to me. I hate your father. Everything is horny to her. Cats she'll pet its back too hard. And she's like, they like it. It reminds them of being in heat. And then you're like, dude,

I don't know if they like that. And then you turn and my mom just has like eight cats. Like, she like is an animal whisperer, but she'll get these cats all turned on. And then they're like, where is she? It's crazy.

I guess if you pat their butt, they're like, and it reminds them of being fucked from the back. Talk about backing that ass up. They're doing it. She's really like that. She'll be like, you know, if you want to get a horse to love you, you pet its neck like this.

And she showed me one time I'm in Ecuador. I do it to a donkey. Donkey follows me so that I had to hike. The whole class is over here going, Jordan, you got to get over here. The donkey will not let me through on the trail. It's become so obsessed with me. I have to hike, free climb down the mountain and escape the donkey and go back up because of how effective her trick was.

And the donkey was like, like following me for miles. And I was like, ha, it's so cute. He loves me. And then he was like, I love you. And I couldn't get away.

I got a rock hard boner lady. It's crazy. Everything she says, I think is a lie is true. She goes like this one day. She's like, she's like, she's like,

Jesus Christ, there's a woodpecker outside and it's huge. And I was like, mom, please don't become a scary old bird lady stop it I know what woodpeckers look like they're normal and we'd be on the phone and she'd be like it's fucking massive Jordan and then I went into her house and I was looking

at her and I saw her looking behind me I turned around I flew shot into the air and then down on the ground and scurried across the room because it was a full pterodactyl and she was like I told you it's massive and she like threw it a brisket it was huge it was like, I told you he's massive. And she like threw it a brisket. It was huge. It was this big. I shit

you not, dude. It was this big right outside the window like, hey. It was crazy. I just pictured your mom with a gray hair bandana. She's like, she's like looking at me like this. She's like, and I was like, mom, what? And I turned around and I was like,

yeah, the woodpecker also had a bandana on. Yeah, it was huge. It was so big. Jordan is huge. She'd be like, on the phone, she'd be like, Jesus Christ. And I'd be like, yeah, I know. It's really fucked up that he did that. And she'd be like, this thing is massive.

Absolutely huge. I'll show you pictures. We'll put them on the thing. It's so big. Oh my God. All the time. She would come in and be like, three baby skunks in the backyard. I'll show you pictures. We'll put them on the thing. It's so big. Oh my God. All the time. She would come in and be like, three baby skunks in the backyard.

I would go out, there's just three little like, it was crazy. It was when I saw those baby skunks, I was actually on Molly and my pupils were like, I was so happy. The last time I went home,

my mom has these fears that like, for someone that watches the news all day she doesn't watch fox news she watches like local news so her fears are like local news based and i thought it would be like like i left the windows down in the car and she was like ian did you leave the windows down i go yeah it's hot i didn't want the car to overheat she goes ian you realize what's happening and i think she's going to be like they're breaking into cars yeah every there's crime and she goes bees bees the bees are taking over i go what are you talking about she goes they're coming from virginia and they're swarming what the fuck are you talking about? It was on the news. That's so funny. If

her news thing did reach outside of fucking her tiny 10 miles area, she'd be fucked. She'd be like, Trump is a Q. Trump is drinking babies or something. How about Harry, my

Harry friend in Nashville? I told him that we were doing jameel shave him instead of the rabbit jameel jameela's jameel's jameela's jameela podcast and he was like yeah she's got a whole thing with bees and i was like what do you mean googled it it's like it's like she's had she's canceled eight events because of a swarm of bees but just so funny harry being like something with bees something went on with her with bees and i was like you're crazy looked it up it's like there were bees everywhere another instance she got stung by one had to cancel another one yeah she's got a bee issue that was fun when we did that podcast yeah that gay guy was hilarious oh yeah yeah tragic oh my god tragic story and for

you to say that that must really be tragic because you are just horribly disfigured emotionally. Yeah. Yeah. What? I'll tell you. No, I'm not going to tell you. Why? Nothing.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, well. You ain't lying. You might be kidding, but you ain't lying. That's Yeah. I'm just kidding. Yeah, well. You ain't lying. You might be kidding, but you ain't lying. That's all I'm going to say. You might be kidding, but it's the fucking proof. Oh, jokey joke.

Joke is real. You've been a funny joke. Punchline is reality. Oh, let me tell you a joke. Punchline is reality. Oh, let me tell you a joke. It's your life. It's your goddamn life every day of the week. I got to check if this is Harry Conn. Oh, boy.

Well, I do. He's in town. Well, if he's in town, he can fucking find his way around. Why don't you tell Harry to meet here? We'll have him on the pod. We say, hey, tell us who Jordan is. The real Jordan. I'd say, I don't know if she'll tell me nothing.

Don't tell me nothing. Who do I tell stuff to, Alan? I tell stuff to you. I tell stuff to you. We're going to have my friend Justin on. Lifelong best friend. Imagine being a non-English speaker and hearing that sentence.

We got to have. We got to have. We got to have. Dude, my buddy, the most, with me through thick and thin since fucking fifth grade in the craziest times of my life.

We've gotten in so much trouble together. I went and stayed with him in Dallas for a night. We were driving to the airport. He almost drove off the road. We were crying, laughing so hard, just about like the silliest stuff. We got to have him on because he is the best. Like there's, I should send you this video of him like when he gets drunk he's he's so much more than just a drunk but this is a very funny story but he uh when he gets drunk he's like punch me in the stomach i got strong come on come on and and you're like all right ready he goes hold on hold on pittsburgh he just says where he's from and it takes like a huge punch in the stomach. What's he do for a living? He sells huge industrial like venting

equipment. Venting? HVAC. He's an HVAC guy? Basically, yeah. Industrial HVAC? Does he install it? No, he sells it. Interesting. There's a job for everybody, isn't there? There is. Somebody's job that put that cum in the bowl he ate last night.

It was not cum really ate that it was cold potato soup it was cum when i was drinking i used to just eat soup out the can wouldn't heat it up yum yum yum yum yeah me with black beans just go i'm glad you followed it with beans and not what i thought you were we all know. We all know. We'll go. We do. Boop. Yeah. While I'm eating the soup, you're like, it's cum. It's cum. It looks so much like cum.

If someone had diabetes, it was like so white. Yeah. Nice. It's not. Nice cum. It's not what cum looks like. Cum is clear.

Sometimes cum is like. I don clear. Sometimes cum is like... I don't like that. Like it's like a whole thing that you can... Oh, yeah. That means I don't have a good diet. Really? Yeah. You want a watery cum, don't you?

Yeah. That's why trans women are the best. It's watered down cum. Not a lot. Really? Yeah. Because their testosterone's gone. Yeah, that's why dudes with a sectomy too Water come

Yep I've looked up the calories in cum before That's how bad it got in college You know what I mean? Loving a lot of dudes while being a fatty People know the Atkins diet This is a Jensen diet I literally was like I'm gaining weight

I wonder what this is from not the eight grilled cheese I ate every day in the dining hall I wonder if it's the dick that I'm sucking I just I've been having flashbacks I remember being in college and being blacked out in somebody's closet and holding a rifle like what is that what was that

what happened I'm thinking of somebody think of somebody named alex or something alex some guy and i remember being in the closet like holy shit this dude's got a rifle in here but did i have sex with him i must have because i am his closet because he probably probably had sex and he was like hide i also went went to college dating my high school boyfriend, who's this big, brolic-strong, sweetie pie, like Princess Bride guy. And I remember one time him carrying me out of a party.

We weren't together. And carrying me out and me going, thank you so much. Like, I don't know what happened to me, but I remember being like, thank you for picking me up and giving me a ride home. It was like that feeling. It was a damsel in distress a lot. I would get put in a shopping cart. My friends would bring a shopping cart out to push me home. It was like that feeling. It was a damsel in distress a lot. I would get put in a shopping cart. My friends would bring a shopping

cart out to push me home. Yeah. The shopping cart is clutch. Get the plastic one so it doesn't hurt that bad. Nice. Oh, these are fucking hard ones. I remember at a Halloween I was wearing a Tigger suit and I passed out. Whoa! Bleep that.

I was wearing a Tigger suit and I passed out Whoa bleep that Last night at the VU I went like this Oh you were there for that Were you there? He was like Hitachi-Wan and I was like Jesus I fucked a Muslim Dude I pulled a fast one the other night I was MC in the

bar MCC won't let me be let me be me so let me see try to shut me down on MTV but it feels so empty being an MC don't ever look at me that way again that's a sex thing

that's a sex thing I'll do it to the camera can't make eye contact but I'm close ooh we're close hold on hold on hold on you're right that is what dissociation is you're looking into the cracks between the milieu of the universe

can I ask you something yes You're looking into the cracks between the milieu of the universe. You totally dissociate during sex. Can I ask you something? Yes. You ever like... What? You ever see like a thing, a chipping paint on the ceiling and you make it into something in your head? You ever do that? Like that's a little cat with a dick in its mouth.

You know what I mean? Like a shadow. Do you ever do that? Where you're so depressed that you're just staring at something for so long and you're like, I see a witch.

Do you ever do that? Dude. You got the tism. You are tised up. You are tised the fuck up, brother. Sometimes you can sit in the corner and you can turn the corner in your mind outward

and then inward. Do you do that too? We're depressed. But we know he's autistic too. He brings math games to the bar and his dates. Hungry. Me too. So wait, when you have sex, okay ready? I'm going to put my head next to yours and then

I'm going to pull out and look at you and you look like you do during sex. Okay. Ready? Sometimes I'll add a little shih tzu growl. They say, please stop. I go I go Oh that's pretty good I'm telling you it's giving more pig than cougar I know you're going for cougar but it's giving a lot of pig

I was going for a cougar Well you nailed it giving more pig than cougar i know you're going for cougar but it's giving a lot of pig i was going for a cougar for a gig again with the racial slurs anyway what were you saying about i don't know i think the coolest name in comedy is tignitaro think about the name tig and her last name is natural she sucks She sucks. I love her. We're having her homie on. Oh, yeah, you're right. And I love her. I came up on her.

I came up on Dat Ho. That's fun. Dude, when I first started comedy, so I was living in a halfway house. Oh, wow. You were really saying that. And a bunch of my AA friends were like, we want to support you.

Why don't you bring over one of your favorite comedians' DVDs and we'll watch it. DVD. Remember that? DVD. So I brought over Bill Hicks' rant in E minor or whatever. And Revelations. And I also brought Patrice the elephant in the room. And Patrice just starts off like laying it thick with misogyny and everything and all these people

are like yeah yeah and all the guys are like laughing and their girlfriends are like this isn't funny and they're like oh yeah babe his blowjob bit at the end of that one special dude his fucking

see that girl piss up on the dumpster? The guy's like, oh, she's kind of cute. You know, about like cheating and everything. It's the fucking best. R.I.P. I think that's what that boy is trying to be, but he ain't being it. Oh, boy.

Could you hear that? It's fine. I would love people to hear it. You know what I got to do in Dallas? Drive stick shift. Fucking awesome. I loved it. You know when I get to drive stick shift? Every time I take my motorcycle out. Can you let me drive it? No.

Please. Fine. Yeah. Hey, ho. Let's go. Is there any coffee in here? There's a little bit of coffee in there. You gum everything like it's a fucking... It's a paper straw. It's not a good thing. No, don't drink all the coffee.

Are you fucking wrong? No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, it's not. Are you fucking wrong? Telling a joke once again and 100% it's true. How weird was it then

that Josh from of Drake and Josh was in Oppenheimer? Strange. Josh Beck? Why was Josh in it? He and I are pals. Josh from of Drake and Josh? Drake and Josh? Are you Drake or are you Josh? Are you Drake and Josh at the same time?

He wants to do the prod. No, he doesn't. I swear to God. I'll call him right now. Skinny Ronan? Yeah, I'll call him right now. You are not friends with him. You ain't.

Your call has been Well It's still It's him How are you friends with him? Shut up Ethan He's probably busy They are friends I got the fuck you button

that was a fuck you button it could be do not disturb god that's amazing that could not have come how do you know Josh Peck the only thing that would have been better is him picking up and going leave me alone I told you about this he was going no The only thing that would have been better is him picking up and going, leave me alone. Yeah.

I told you about this. He was going, no. No, no. He was in Oppenheimer. He's a big deal now. I know. So he's not your friend anymore. I know.

Left me in the dust. We hung out like some of us in LA. Really? Really? Where? How did you become friends with him? I don't know. We started like DMing. He's calling.

Just kidding. Stop it. Your way of being defensive is to mimic people and it's really rude. It's really rude. Dude, when he's in New York, we'll have him on the pod. How did you meet him? I don't know. We just started DMing back and forth.

And then when I was in LA, he was like, let's hang. I was like, great. Then we hung out. Then I did his podcast. And we fucking got coffee last time I was like, great. Then we hung out and then I did this podcast and we fucking got coffee last time I was in LA.

Hey, his name. Yeah. Drake and Josh. Yes. Josh Peck. You're friends with Drake and Josh. Not Drake. Just Josh. Well, Josh is Drake and Josh. Drake now is like a drugged up

football face. And I don't play with that. I do not play that. Is Josh Peck? Bummer to be a fat kid and the last name is Peck. It's tough. You want him on the pod? I'll come on the pod.

That'll be fun. What else do you want? Drake. Oh, no. Together. You know what's crazy? Hilary Duff. People call her by her first name and they say Hilary.

Isn't that crazy? Let the rain fall down. That's not her. Wash me away. And wash away. I said, Eddie. Because I want to feel the love as I want to feel the pain. That song came

out when my grandfather who raised me was dying. It could be hard as hell. What? Sing it as

hardcore. It could be badass. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Jesus Christ.

Dude, I cannot wait to sing on that track with the world. It's going to be, no. I'm down. Jesus Christ. Dude, I cannot wait to sing on that track with the world. It's going to be fucking awesome. I'm going up to Connecticut. To Connecticut. Connecticut.

I want to feel the sorrow. I want to live like a man. I want to win my gift. How excited are you to go camping and horseback riding? Bug spray. Yeah. Needed.

I've got so many things planned for us. Like what? We've got to play the butthole servers when we do the thing tomorrow. Yes. Hiking. Yurting. Watch your mouth. we do the thing tomorrow. Yes. Hiking. Yerting. Watch your mouth.

I'll be a black comic for a second. Y'all white people out here, you don't even know what yeeting is. You're out here yeeting. Y'all motherfuckers don't even know. Yo, this guy came up to me. He says, this guy came up to me. He says, he says, I'm going

yeeting. I was like, you going yeeting? Hell yeah, man. And then turns to find out he's going yeeting. What the hell? That's just your white trash voice that you did last night. Not that face. No, the white trash is Who does a better white trash voice? Ready?

I don't know what you're talking about, man. If you really want to, come on now. That's right. You gonna get out of the house. You gonna get out. Get out of the house. You gonna get out and I'll tell you right now. Yours is testosterone.

Yeah. Now do a lesbian. Do a lesbian, but with that voice. You can't get out. No, no, no, no, no. You gonna get out. No, no, no. The voice you were doing before, but change your face.

You gonna get out. Yeah. You gonna get out. No, no, no. The voice. You gonna get out. What? How do I do?

Ian do? Ian do. Ian do. Do the voice. Come on, man. You ain. Ian do. Do the voice. Come on. Okay. Now say you want Americano with oat milk. You want Americano with oat milk.

Okay. Now take away the accent. You want Americano with oat milk? But keep the. You want. You want Americano with oat milk? What the fuck are you making me do? I'll do anything.

I'll do anything for you. I'll die for you. I'm making you be a trans man. Oh, you should have just said that. Okay, hold on. Come on, dude. Let me tell you. Do you want an Americano with...

The name's Axel. Hey. hey hey what's up dudes this is carburetor coming to you live no i think they're more like they're more like oh dude oh whoa oh dude hey I did. Hey. I love sports and just wearing tank tops. Hey, dudes, do you mind if I just take my shirt off like other guys all the time and show my scars? Hey, dudes, you want to know how I got these scars? From an illegal surgeon who's cashing in on a trend. Say, oh yeah, I'll help you move your couch.

I got a Subaru. Yeah dude, I'll help you move your couch. I got a Subaru. I got Yola Tango playing on the stereo. Me, Axe Wound, Carburator, Wolf, we're all going to get it done and then we're meeting up with door jam later. Yeah, dude. Just like you. Just us dudes, dude.

Hey, me and my bros are going shopping. Do you guys want to get vests? Hey, so all you guys have the same haircuts, right? Cool. Me too. It's so cute. Yeah, I'm a dude. Say pick me up and carry me.

Say pick me up. carry me say pick me up say up ease hey bro up ease up ease come on dude oh my god come on guys come on what are you not giving me up ease cause I'm trans

come on up ease Come on. Quit fucking around. What, are you not giving me uppies because I'm trans? Come on. Uppies. Hey, babe, is this guy giving you a hard time? Don't worry. I got it. Mono eats. You broke my jaw.

I'm on the ground. A beast. Dude. Oh, can you do it? Hey, the name's Axe, but people call me Ford F-150. This guy's stuff. Totally. Right? Say, hey, wait, guys, slow down.

You're walking too fast. Say, wait, slow down. Hey! Hey! Wait, guys. You're walking too fast. Say, wait, slow down. Hey! Wait, guys, you're walking too fast. Ah, dad. Piggyback. I want a piggyback ride. I want a piggyback ride.

Say, I want a piggyback ride. Dad. My hooves are hurting. Can you give me a piggyback ride? I can't walk in these heels. I mean, converse. Can you do M to F? M to F?

Male to female? Dude, Luke Moniz can do the best. Yes, I really think. Do you like this? Oh, my God. Oh I really think. Do you like this? Oh my God. Oh my God. Do you like this? Yeah, fuck my pussy.

My pussy, I mean butthole. Which is hot. Because I did it. Ethan is so upset right now. We're going to get. Are we in trouble? In trouble. Ethan was going like this.

Do a piece again. I'm sorry. We're just having fun. A piece. What, Ethan? Oh, no. Okay. I hate speech.

It's, yeah. Everyone is, no one's safe. It's just fun. Except for you're safe. We say shit about you and you're like. Oh yeah, we're not cutting us off for the Patreon. All right, fine. Nothing's off limits. Fine.

Make fun of me. Go. I got poopy in my pants. No, I had an enema to get the poopy out of my pants. So I could get fucked in the ass poop free. My ass poop free. I top from the bottom. You fuck your cat.

I fuck my... No! I would never hurt him. I do hold him and it's not all right. It's very, like, emotionally weird. The pictures of him. I know. I just want to squeeze your fucking little head off, I know, I just wanted to please you,

pop a little head on the go, you're a doing little guy. Oh my God. I would love for me to die and him to eat me. What? So that I could be one with him. Well, that can happen. Kill me?

Likely. And you drop dead and Ethan hears a thud and doesn't go up to check it because it's the first silence he's experienced in years. Your cat will have little munchies. I really can't hear anything upstairs, so I wouldn't really know. That's good. I can barely hear stuff down here.

If you come down here, I don't even really know. That's because of that quality HVAC. We got good sound. I was thinking about getting a velvet curtain behind the door so it busts the sound off but i figured if you really heard some things you'd say something to me you have a metal freight door i think that's good you didn't hear me the other night when when me and my lover were sucking each other's dicks? Is there an escape route for him? Yes. Ethan's got a door.

You got a door? You got a door. You got a door. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. It's Ian, man. You're being rips. Yeah. That rules.

That rules. Dude, dude, dude, dude. That's not what I sound like. Dude, dude. Imitate me. Do me. My finger's on the edit button. Oh, no. Okay, fine. I'll do the imitation of you. Anyway, so, okay, i think that okay basically all right you guys might not like this you guys might not like this but how can you remember if you never

forgot okay okay all right so uh anyway i am a lady hey hey listen lady Hey listen ladies I can tell that you come from Florida Yeah that's right I know that you're shaking your head no but it's right You're from Tampa and you have three kids And you live in a house on a property 451 that's your address I know I know I'm nailing it

I'm nailing it right guys This is Jordan This is Jordan My polar bears here Oopsie poopsie You're nailing it. Right, guys? Right, guys? This is Jordan. This is Jordan. My polar bear's here. Oopsie poopsie. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. And then you go, what are you doing? You go, uh, uh. You know what I did the other night? I go, do an impression of me. And he goes, how do I do an impression of somebody who just never knows where they are at any given point in time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here. I'll do an impression of Jordan. Ready? Huh? No. Who? What?

Huh? Sad. What? Ha! Hmm. Where? I'll do an impression of myself. Ha!

Where? I'll do an impression of myself. I'll do an impression of you having sex. No, it's like this. You going to dinner? Where are you going to dinner? Where are you going to eat? we gonna eat well time to wrap up what do you got plug

here's my impression Jordan when's this come out dude plug plug I'm going up a that's what I do I'm going up I'm going to skate fest I'm going to

somewhere else somewhere else I'm looking at the calendar Jordan Jensen comedy.com I'm doing it September Pittsburgh September Grand Rapids Jordan Jensen comedy.com. No, no, no, no. I'm doing it. Here we go. Here we go. All right. September, Pittsburgh, September, September,

what? Grand Rapids, uh, 31st to the second Grand Rapids, 31st to the 32nd, 31st to the third Grand Rapids, the 21st to 23rd. That's oh,

cause I canceled that thing. Then Skank Fest, then Levity Live the first weekend in October. And then I have Zany's rosemont october 13 14th um which is in chicago then i have go bananas in cincinnati the october 19th and 21st this is just too much oh oh sorry remember when you smacked my phone and threw it cracked didn't crack it cracked your invisible screen but it's still a crack. Well, it takes one to know one.

I'm a crack rat. Okay, IanVitance.com September 22nd, 23rd, Roar Comedy Club Springfield, Mass. September 29th to October 1st. Shut up. It'll be fun.

Skank Fest Vegas. Hi, Skank. And then I am doing Port Comedy Club, Baltimore, Maryland, Friday, October 20th, 21st. And then November 3rd, Amityville Musical, Long Island. Oh, we didn't talk about how I went and saw Saves the Day. No! Taking Back Sunday in a backyard show in fucking Long Island. On Long Island.

Fucking amazing. Shout out Long Island Hardcore. Shout out Koyo. Shout out Michael Dubin. Real fun. Amityville Musical, November 3rd. Get tickets. IanVitance.com Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod. We love you. You're the best. Everything is said in love and laughter.

Okay? If you have a problem with the things we just did on this podcast, you can call Ethan Dupree at... Bye. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore