Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 059: Deeze Melons W/ Sal Vulcano

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Let's go. Come on. Whoa, that was... Wow.

How long has it been? I know. That's a good point. You're right. Wow. Wow bad but we can only go off from here because it's another episode of b and ian with jordan and i am so excited patreon.com slash bd and pod sign up it's a good time extra every week, and you can get brain worms with us. Ha ha, hee ha. Anyway, I'm so excited for our guest today. You know him. You love him.

Taste buds. Hey, babe. Something real fun coming up. Yes. Sal Balcano. Tell us about it, Sal. How you guys doing? I can't believe I'm in boy zone.

Yes. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. I've heard so much about this place for years. How you guys doing? I can't believe I'm in Boyzone. Yes. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. I've heard so much about this place for years. Now, you have an interesting perspective on this place. Yeah. Because you've known our mutual friend.

Yes. My college roommate. Unbelievable. First person I ever met in college, James McCarthy. That's wild. Yeah. He was living here when he works on our show. He works on the show Impractical Jokers.

He's the head writer. Yeah. And when I met him, works on our show. He works on the show Impractical Jokers. He's the head writer. Yeah. And when I met him, you know, when I started to get to know him, he told me all about this place. He even mentioned you. He said my buddy's a good stand-up. Yeah. And that's the first I heard of you. Yes.

This is a while back now. Yeah. This place is like your show, single-handedly, David Arquette ruined your life. Impractical Jokers slightly ruined comedians' lives. Have you noticed this? Ooh, what? We go, this has happened to me, I swear to God, five times in the last amount of comedy years.

They sit down and they go, hey, you got any TV show ideas? And you're like, sure, got one about my family, got one about some gay kids, got one about Ian, the gay kid. You talking about the networks? And then they go like this. Got anything like Impractical jokers? And you're like, nope.

That's a one of a kind thing. And they go, we really, really like that one. It's not really a one of a kind thing because they tried to like redo it in certain ways like 10 times. But it didn't work.

No, it's like a little rip off stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's like female Ghostbusters. It's a rip off. Go your own way. Yeah.

They said it best. It was a go your own way. That's a rip-off. Go your own way. They said it best. It was a go your own way. Fleetwood Mac. Right? Yes. So I have a question. You have an insight into this building and apartment

and ecosystem. Yeah, I didn't know what I was walking into, actually. Yes. Dude, when you found out it was Boyzone, you did a spin. I really did. Upstairs, I went, I go, wait, so you do, where do you record? He goes, downstairs. I go, your apartment has a basement? He goes, yeah. And then what'd you say? It used to be where, you said something. Yeah, James.

Wait, what do you mean? Yeah. I said, am I in Boyzone right now? Uh-huh. Yeah. I heard stories. Not many people know about my history. I don't know about Boyzone. So I've been in this apartment since 2007. And when I moved in, it was with my bros, my boys, my dogs, my brothers. How many? College.

Is there five of you? Yeah. Five of us in here. Five. This whole studio used to have walls, used to have bedrooms down here. I mean. How many bedrooms were in this house? Seven! No.

Two, three, no, we had a day bed down there that people would stay on. A room here, room in there, two rooms upstairs. I mean, it was party central. They named it Boyzone before me. Oh, okay.

My roommates that I went to college with. So you moved in with them? Yes. 2007. Moved in. Sight unseen. Yes. Crazy that you went to NYU.

I know. Because you're so not put together and from wealthy family and a cunt. I know. I know. What did you take up? English education. Is what you're... I have a Bachelor of Science in Secondary English Education,

grades 7 through 12. Wow. That's a lot of money to go to NYU. I know. I know. How did you pay for that? Well... You haven't paid for it.

You're in debt. Did you board there? No. Papa Bear? Well, my dad died in a horrific accident when i was eight and money was put aside for college okay now we have no money because i wasted it going to myu for a teacher's degree so that's how that happened yeah but when if if and when the opportunity comes up to talk to seven to twelve graders about secondary education you've got it covered yeah so don't

you know yeah take away some silver lining. My dad died and I used his money to move to New York and start my comedy career. Look at that. Yep. Pretty good. It was only six grand. Do you have any left? No. Six grand? No, literally. Done. Sucks. Immediately gone. I know. I feel bad. Why? My dad's alive.

Let's get him. We can get him. You want to get him? He's awesome. He's like my best friend We have the best relationship Do you blow that every time? Yeah Okay Is it always

Like do you That was a good one It's hard to do Yeah it's hard Let's restart the episode That's why I do it It reminds me of Lord of the Flies Oh yeah

Yeah Why don't we put ethan's head on the spike yeah wouldn't that be fun wow you remembered you remember the book oh yeah i only remember that part and something about pigs yes what were the pigs they put a pig's head on the spike oh wow okay i only remember the same scene man yeah yeah yeah that was one of the only books i read for the required reading on all of my days. It's this big as well. Yeah, it was an easy. I was like, let me do it. Yeah.

I never read my required reading. None of us. Never. I just. Bullshit. I hated summer reading. I loved Of Mice and Men. Of Mice and Men.

That's the only two I read. That was because my dad would talk about it so much. He'd be like, all right, Lenny over here. Then I was like, all right, what are you referencing? And then I'd be like, I'm not Lenny. We kind of are Lenny and George. I'm George. No, you're the are you referencing? And then I'd be like, I'm not Lenny. We kind of are Lenny and George. I'm George. I'm George.

You're the one that we put a gun in the back of your head and put you out of your misery. No, that's for sure. Am I George or Lenny? Who's the one that's... I'm just meeting and learning about Jordan, so I'm going to have to give her... She's George. You pet things too hard.

You squeeze Samson's head. You squeeze his head. I had to have a cat taken away from me when I was four because I squeezed it too much. So what are you talking about? You lived it. How many times you had a gun to the back of your head and not known it? Why do you think I signed the lease?

You are Lenny. One time I laid in bed with him and his ex-girlfriend and we were just hanging out and I felt somebody stroking my hair and I thought it was her. And it was just Ian stroking. You're a hair stroker. Pretty girl. I love stroking.

Pretty bird. Pretty bird. Our heads are falling off. I sold it to Petey. The blind kid. The blind kid. Have you watched that recently? I know.

It's fun. Which one is it? It's still good. Dumb and Dumber. Oh, good. Dumb and Dumber. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin. There's something about Mary.

Oh, come on. Dude, unfuckwithable. Amazing films. So Mary, I saw like when it came out like seven times. I saw it in the theater. I was like, I can't believe how funny this is. Yeah. Yeah.

I remember seeing that and laughing with my friend and being like, we have humor in common. This is great. And then I have not talked to him in almost two years. That's how every interaction you have is. seeing that and laughing with my friend and being like we have humor in common this is great and then i have not talked to him and almost every interaction you have is somebody's like i have an elbow and you're like because we belong together do you know for for the um the reason i remember this is that i read of my sin men besides like kind of kind of remembering the book was because they gave us an option to write a book to do a book report on it or write a song about it. And me and my buddy chose to write a song about it.

I believe you did. But we're not musicians, and we don't write songs. My buddy, please, please, Ian. I need to hear the song. I remember some of the words, so I can do it. Thank God. Yeah. So we didn't have any, like any like you know we weren't musically

inclined but he had a casio keyboard and i don't know if you're familiar but you could record stuff and then play it like you record your voice and play and you could also have they had in like pre-built-in beats yeah the the keyboards that we had growing up that basically are now people are like check out my new loop machine and i I'm like, I had that thing. Yeah, it's basically called SoundCloud now. Oh, yeah. People are billionaires from it. I'm like, I think we had a thing like that. And it was just those big keyboards. Yeah, it's basically like

Reggie Watts made a career out of it. Yes. I had a Talkboy. Remember the Talkboy? Oh, was that like the thing from Home Alone? Yeah. No way. Did they make that after home alone yeah they did because it i i saw i read an article where it's like or saw something where they're like it didn't exist they they made it up and then i think it was they made it after that

what was it or you had something similar maybe yeah yeah i taught it was basically a tape recorder oh yeah that you could speed up and slow down and they And it was shaped in the form of this special thing that Kevin McAllister used. And then they just sold a gazillion of them. And a Happy New Year, you filthy animals like that. Yeah, yeah. And it was, this is Peter McAllister, the father. The father.

The big thing. I will say Home Alone 2 for me, I love New York and I love Christmas. And I loved Home Alone 1. You think the convergence of those three items. You vaping is insane. I can't. Do you want to smoke?

I want to smoke so bad. I smoke cigarettes all the time. And when I vape, it makes me like. I think you should not vape and just wait. You're not even. You're just like, I know you. You're just like, I'm going to smoke. And that's it.

You're not. You're never like, I should quit. It's bad. I'm smoking. Yeah. I'd like to quit the vape. It's awful. But it's more nicotine than cigarettes.. I'd like to quit the vape. It's awful, but it's more addicting than cigarettes.

Vape nicotine or vape weed? Vape nicotine. Oh, you gotta do it. Really bad. My friend though, but that's, I have a friend who vapes

and he has this thing that's like, it looks like, it looks like a talk boy. Yeah. It has a flip thing that you suck out of. It looks like, like it looks like the ghost person. Yeah.

That is what they look like. It's big. And he comes to my house and he has like liquid that he pours in yeah and it goes like and it's all like flavored dude it's flavored he has a joke about it it's called tin man's hand yeah he smokes it i know the thing he smokes it's called these melons and when he huffs it and he blows out i swear to you every time it would the whole room would fill with thick smoke yeah so that's kind of cool but like i i'm like how much are you huffing of that stuff like it's not like that

no and i and i've yet to see someone else smoke that like he smokes it he lets out a cloud well let me tell you you didn't get sober in delaware in 2009 except i did except I did. Except I did. Except I did. So run it back. Every kid that was trying to be a SoundCloud rapper would do vape competitions and they'd go to places in Newport, Delaware in a warehouse and do vape competitions where they'd blow smokes.

No, I didn't. I wasn't. That Miley you're sucking on, though, is particularly bad for you. You know that? I don't know. I just know that That Miley you're sucking on, though, is particularly bad for you. You know that? I don't know. I just know that you were like, don't smoke down here. So now I got to fucking suck on this thing.

Do you? Would you be annoyed if he smoked a cigarette down here? Kind of. Would have been rough. Yeah. Right. I get it. I get it.

In a closed space like this. I smoked for 10 years of my life, but it's been 20 years. Yeah. You know, and I just it closed quarters like that. When I used to bartend, I it's been like 20 years. And I just, it closed quarters like that. When I used to bartend, I bartended for like 10 years and right as soon as I started bartending, they banned it. The smoking

indoors. So I never had to deal with it. That was like 2003? Something like that? Three or four? I was going to say four. We had a bar in college, GJ's, where they would just let you smoke and then they would get a fine, but the amount of business they got would just pay for it itself. That is the best.

Dude, I truly think life was better when we could smoke indoors and baseball players wore tight pant uniforms with stirrups. Do they not anymore? No. All looks like pajamas. No, it's not tight. There's no stirrups? Yeah, I think it's tight.

Remember being at Friendly's and your dad would smoke over the wall? Oh, the line of demarcation. My dad would sit in smoking and we'd sit over here. I've never been in a smoking airplane. I have. It was going to Mexico

in the 90s. That's insane. That's insane. I have. It was going to Mexico in like the 90s. Wow. It was like right before that. That's insane. That's insane. Yeah. Just people blowing cigarette smoke on an airplane. Fire. Hours.

In a metal tube. Yeah, that's crazy. I want to live like that. Movie theaters I remember all the time. Yeah. As a matter of fact, Home Alone 1, when I went to it, my friend Sal, another friend Sal, I remember specifically people were smoking in there. Really?

And it was also, it was one of those old theaters, like, not like the beautiful ones now with the lazy boy and shit. And there was cigarette burn marks on all the backs of all the seats. Oh, yeah. Rules. I do remember the burn marks. Crazy. No, wait. You were saying Home Alone 2, New York Christmas.

I just don't. I just really. I get it. I get it. Cash that check. You got the formula. He's a hot commodity. But I love Home Alone 1. I love Christmas

and I love New York and they converge and you would think that I would be very, very happy. But I really thought that they could have done a better job. Is Home Alone 2 the one with Tim Curry going, well, that's the only one I know. He just made the, it's literally I bet you he copied and pasted the script and then went into the beginning and put

in New York and then just replace Chicago with New York and then all he did was replace the man with the shovel with the woman with the pigeons and it's done. Wait, Joe Pesci, Home Alone 2. Home Alone 1. He's in both? Yeah he so happened to get to New York He got all the way to New York Who is Lenny now? Wait a minute Who's Lenny?

Joe Pesci? He's been in all of them the whole time Oh sorry Pettis Rabbit That's so funny I mean just the fact that Weren't they taken away and jailed in one? Yeah. And then they just happened to bump into him halfway across the country.

Yeah, right. Oh, it's both the same robbers. I haven't seen Home Alone 1. No, in the second one, they're the sticky bandits. That's what it is. Wait, yes, but wait, but no. True. This is real. I haven't seen Home Alone 1. This is real. That's what it is. Yes, but wait, but no. True. This is real.

I haven't seen Home Alone. This is real. No, no, no. Do you, do you? The Lady in the Park with the Pigeons. That's New York. Yeah, but Home Alone 1 is so classic. Christmas movie's top two.

Oh, it is a Christmas movie also. They're both Christmas movies. Yeah, that's the whole. Ian, let me tell you something. I'm going to help you out really quick. Let's go. And this is going to help you adapt. Okay.

I haven't seen Home Alone 1. Therefore, everything I ask is without information about it. I know. And my brain can't wrap around the fact that you've never seen it. You weren't even curious. I mean, sometimes you can't even avoid it during the holidays. How do you avoid it? Well, that's the thing I'm trying to figure out.

If I have seen it, Home Alone. No, I think it's. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes. No, no, really. I'm trying to figure out. If I have seen it, Home Alone, no, I think it's... Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes. No, no, really. I don't know what you celebrate. Yeah, good question. Not really, because I was raised by lesbians and a hippie.

They don't celebrate Christmas. Both of which thought that religion was the Antichrist. No pun intended. Sure, sure. But the commercialized version, you know, like, give me gifts. It's really hard to look up any scenes from these because they all look the same. You what i mean yeah they look exactly have you seen crazy that they're both christmas yeah well they i think they all are yeah because they made

some they made a couple after four insane i mean i mean i mean home alone three makes home alone two look like godfather it's like godfather two and 3 You know what I mean? It's Home Alone 3 They recast the guy They lost all the things that made it Some kid is staying home From school and like Is that the kid with the bowl haircut? Yeah and it's the

Foreigners with the chip in the car Every person from Soup to Nuts That was involved in 1 and 2 Was not involved in 3 and two Was not involved in three And let me tell you, shows Really? I remember watching it when it came out So I was much younger than this

And being angry Really? This is wasting my time right now I enjoy watching bad movies with my mom And we watch it together And to see her reaction makes the movie worth it Because she's literally like, come on, no!

The other boy was better, Ian! I'm like, I didn't make the movie, Gail! What are you talking about? Have you seen Matrix Resurrections? Oh, no. Is that the third one? Or the fourth one? Fourth. No, I don't even know if I really recall

any of them, but I watched one and two for sure and then three I think I started to get hazy on. Three is really rough. Resurrections was unwatchable, and I am like a Matrix diehard fan, and it was like, it truly was like Bizarro World. Didn't they just get so convoluted? I think they start tiptoeing around what they're allowed to do. Like, if you look, like, in Home Alone, he's reading Playboy magazine, you know what I mean? And everything, all bets are off, and probably by Home Alone 3,

they're like, we need to have a black kid. We need, nope, there can't be any Playboy. He can't be doing anything bad. Wait, you remember Home Alone 1, he reads a Playboy. That's Home Alone 1. I just passed a picture of him reading a Playboy. No, he, it's Buzz's Playboy. Yeah.

Yeah, it's his brother's. Yeah, isn't it called, like, Juggs or something? Yeah, it's something different, yeah. Buzz, playboy. Yeah. Yeah, it's his brother's. Yeah, and isn't it called like Jugs or something? Yeah, it's something different. Buzz, your girlfriend, Wolf. Do you know that I read something about his girlfriend, right? It was someone, I think it was either the director or someone on the set's relative that they got to do that. And I think it's because, I'm going to get it wrong.

It's either because it happened and they were like Oh shit we're calling her disgusting Or they didn't want to call someone disgusting so they got hurt I forget but it was in those Movies we love That Netflix series Those are really good actually Those are so interesting

You pick a lot of great movies and they go a deep deep deep dive At how it got made I will say man Home Alone is such a wonderful, fuzzy, good feeling of Christmas. I want this for you so bad. This Christmas, let's watch it together. No. I was on Chris DiStefano's Vice thing, which was into 90s commercials.

And that was one of the weirdest things I've ever done in my life. Really? Chris DiStefano's Vice thing, which was into 90s commercials. Okay, yeah. And that was one of the weirdest things I've ever done in my life. Really? Yeah, imagine what you're talking about, where they go in-depth in a movie, but on a specific commercial. I love it. Very bizarre. Do you ever, you can, like, YouTube, like, sometimes I'll just get high and, like, I'll watch a hour not like 80s or 90s commercial oh like youtube thing i mean i won't watch maybe the whole four hours sometimes maybe but like uh but yeah it's

just it's just amazing because not only is it like fun because it's cheesy and ridiculous but you've seen them all yeah and you haven't accessed them since then yeah so you're like oh my god oh my god and then that then it starts literally like like you start remembering like things from then that you didn't even remember in your own life. It unlocks a thing in your brain. I've done that with Saturday morning cartoon theme songs. Oh, Garmy Bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere. Do you remember Fantastic Max?

Wow, it's a beautiful voice you have. I just impressed myself because I can't sing. That was beautiful. And it makes me want you to sing your little song about mice and men. Alright, here we go. Perfectly full circle. So we decided to do a rap.

Because the beat was like And then this was the rap. Should we do the beat? I only know the first verse. So it was me and my friend And we took turns Ready? Lenny is big And not too smart

George is small But he has a heart He takes care of Lenny And tells him right from wrong And as they travel They move along. Lanny and George. Then we did that.

And we recorded it. It's amazing. Lanny and George. And we hit the keys. So it was like, Lanny and George. Wow. That's all I remember, though. Wow.

I think we just found our new theme song. Yeah. I wish I had that, man. I wish I had that. Mrs. Crumb. K-R-U-M. That was the teacher's name. Whoa wish I had that. Mrs. Crumb. K-R-U-M. That was the teacher's name. Whoa, really?

Yeah, Mrs. Crumb. Wow, really close to come. And pencils have lead. Come on, Lenny. Go outside. I'll shoot you in the head. Oh, the Lost Verses. Featuring Ian Fidance.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember reading that part over and over where he pet the girl's head too hard. Come and read a book. Wasn't it a bunny? Enter our world. Oh, did he kill a girl? Lenny is retarded and he'll kill a girl that I just learned was a rabbit. I think her name was Carly or something.

And he was like, what? Oh, I thought he killed. Oh, no, he also killed a bunny. But then that's why he had to go weren't they after him yeah so he she was like do you want to pet my hair being a little strumpet and he was like i like it i like it and then he snapped her neck it got stuck in her hair and she's like let go snapped her neck boyfriend found out they run away and then and when did he kill the rabbit um he didn't kill a rabbit. His dream was to just always pet a rabbit.

Maybe he did accidentally hurt a rabbit and was like, I killed it. And George was like, that's okay. And then he killed the girl. It was a puppy? Oh, blow that guy's head off. When he's in the barn playing with a puppy, Slim gave him.

And he accidentally kills it. Blow his head off. Kill him. Right. But he also kills the girlfriend. Well, things happen. And then, but the rabbit's thing is he's like his happy place is in a field of rabbits. And that's where he took him before he blew his goddamn brains out. He was like, go to your happy place.

George is a good guy. Yeah. Where would your happy place be? Woo! I have mine. Go ahead. I mean, how specific? You mean like geographically or specifically Are you like Turks and Caicos Or like my grandmother's kitchen If your best friend is going to

Shoot you in the back of the head to take out your misery And goes let's go to your happy place And you go okay let's go there Where is it Okay so for me I shouldn't be answering this this seriously But I don't think of a physical location I just think of being surrounded by loved ones, maybe. That's nice.

You know what I mean? So they can all watch you die? So they can all be just PTSD for the rest of their life? Exactly. Because I mean, they need to pay. They need to pay before I go. And if I can't do it over years, it's got to be in that moment. Can I say go back to my grandparents house

that i like kind of grew up in but they don't live there like we don't have have access to it anymore yeah it can be non-existent place oh yeah well there you go wow there was one house in my family a psych ward because like when i started to access it i was like okay because my problem is i'm always worried that i'm gonna do something weird and then i was like i like my safe space to be somewhere where i'm not allowed to slice into anything or hurt anybody. And then I was like, oh, and I'd be like, I'd like there to be safe people to administer drugs as needed. And I was like, I'm describing a safe.

Yeah, that's right. I'm describing a psych ward. Do we know we're getting blown away? No. Oh, then if we don't know it, then, oh, man, I wouldn't choose a psych ward I know but I was thinking about I was doing a meditation

This is such the case for her being Lenny I'll be Lenny okay If it makes you shut up Did you say I got a haircut recently It looks really good I love your hair I don't want to ever let go Oh and look

Hold on Here's a rabbit I love your hair. I don't want to ever let go. Oh, and look. Hold on. Here's a rabbit. It's a band called Rabbit. That's insane that you accessed a band called Rabbit right behind, in the middle of you two. Yep, yep. I guess you could say that for this joke. Oh, hold on.

That was the missing link. Keep going, keep going. Oh, boy, boy, boy, boy. You know, have you ever bombed so hard on stage there's been mutually assured destruction? Oh, I know that you could do this all day if you had your own punk albums. Oh, I certainly could. Oh, God, did I tell you the other day

I was wrestling with my cat and he gave me a cat bite? Oh, unopened. I don't know if you can just change the topic You know I know Ian's gay because he loves to sit on the joystick. Did you know that was there? Did you just pull that out of rent? Wait wait wait wait wait wait Oh you saw it said joystick

I was like why aren't we celebrating? Did you know I had to stop teaching because for a long period of time I was like, why are we celebrating? Did you know I had to stop teaching because for a long period of time I was on perks? Why is that sitting up there? I'm trying to contribute now. Come on, Sam. Oh, hold on. Hold on.

Actually, if I had to be anywhere at that moment when I'm getting shot in the head, it would probably be as I'm climaxing. You know, sploosh. Yes. Yes. What else do I have here you know, sploosh. Yes! What else do I have here? What is sploosh? How can I ruin this bit?

I just did. My happy place? I'll change mine. Thank you for asking. I had to just kind of regulate things. Oh, that's a good album. Is that the single? Oh, that's not a regular album. Oh, no. You were thinking

rap. This is a New York City hardcore band. Oh, Happy Place. What's up? Do you have a lot of coffee? Yes. Been up early. Cutting that off. Coffee. Go ahead. No. I'm going to have some. Lenny. I would go to

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. It's a funny story. Is that the way you dragged Olivia that one time? Crazy. Where is it now? Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. Is it a destination spot? It's where you go to the beach every year when you have a family in Delaware.

Oh, okay. And then you stop going once daddy dies. And you drag your girl home and stay up all night with you. Me and my dad used to go to the beach together. We'd have guys weekend at the beach and we'd go down. And his mom lived in a trailer and we'd go down, stay with her for a night, like fix stuff around the trailer.

That sounds amazing. And then we'd go and we'd get a hotel for a night or two. We'd have guys weekend at the beach. And my mom would go, no babes. And we'd go, we can't make any promises. And then one time on the way back. And then me and my dad fucked all these girls. Yeah, yeah.

And then we just fucking ran a train down in Rome. And dog, what's up? I like your seeing it as a nice thing. Her being like, no babes. And really, she was like, your father has cheated on me. Please, no women. For the love of God. She has one tear drop, no babes. And really she was like, your father has cheated on me. Please no women. For the love of God. Dude, and

one time, I swear to God, we were coming back. We were in my mom's Volvo and we found I found her lipstick in the glove box and we put it on her lips and we were like kissing ourselves and we went in the house and I kicked open the door. I go, hey mom, we just couldn't keep the babes off of us. And my mom was

painting the walls and she fell off the ladder. She was laughing so hard. Nice. Would you go back to that moment or the beach? I wish I could go back to that moment. Yeah. I'm sorry. Sorry. Blacked out. No, I went back. You literally can't say like television without him being like

my dad had a television. Shut up! So I went back to that spot where my dad and I would go. We watch a sunrise every the last day we get McDonald's. You get a coffee. I'd get a orange juice. We go right to this spot on the beach. We'd see the sunrise over the ocean. It was amazing.

Like best memories I've ever had. And that's a place I'd like to get the brains blown out of my head. Amazing. Okay. All right. So I don't feel that bad staying at my grandma's house. Yeah. A crab feast with all my friends. That would be the best. Eating crab.

What do you mean first a crab feast? You can't change the rules now. No, no, no. We eat the crab feast and then they go, hey, let's go walk over to your special spot. I go, okay. Okay. And then that's poochum. So you get to have a crab feast beforehand. Yeah. All right. I didn't know I could do that.. So you get to have a crab feast beforehand. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. I didn't know I could do that. Yeah. You get to have like a special dinner at your grandparents' house. I have a crab feast and she gets hit with a bunch of tramadol and dracodone and her cycle. We did it.

I don't think that would be my death place. I think my death place would be, yeah, probably somebody being like, I love you unconditionally and will never leave. Bam! Then they can shoot me. That's what I would want. Okay. So it's a little bit more not literal, right? You want to be in a place of a feeling.

Is that what it is? Yes. You want to feel a warm feeling of love. More than anything, I wish I had Boston's more than a feeling record right now. If that's what you want, then you like warmth. And if you like warmth, you need to watch Home Alone. It's like wrapping yourself in a chenille throw.

My thing was Home Alone 2. I think that's the one we had on VHS and I wore it down. I watched it so much. I don't even, you know when you get like a 2? I can be your Home Alone. You know when you get, stop, stop. You know when you get like a two movie Like Rush Hour 2

And it just becomes the movie that is Oh yeah it's the one you break the tape I did that with Kindergarten Cop Kindergarten Cop And Police Academy I broke Liar Liar that was a big one Mine were Coming to America and Trading Places My dad had

Maybe 40 VHS's back when they were like 79, 99. Yeah. And they came out three years after the movie. He had delirious. First time I was so delirious, he would let me watch him. So I was huge. Eddie Murphy had 48 hours. Yeah.

So I just, I was like, as a kid, I worshiped Eddie Murphy. That's how I got into Jim Carrey. My dad would let me watch Living Color. Oh, yeah. And I loved that kid. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Yeah, that was so...

He was the only white guy, right? Yeah. There was a white woman or two. Yeah, maybe. So good. Jennifer Lopez was a fly girl. And then when Ace Ventura came out, I was like, yes, I have to see this. Yeah.

And then that changed my life forever. It did. Hola, mi amigos y amigas y nosotros y el a y el os. ¿Cómo está? Muy bien y más o menos bien. No soy triste. Más o menos triste no todos los días. Me gusta manzanas.

Y tengo una mochila. If you want to know what I just said, join Babbel. That's right. Babbel is the place to be for learning languages for you and me. So download the app, see what it has to say. Use promo code SKA for 55% off today. I am in a mucho gusto bien mood. Babbel is real language learning for real conversations.

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I just talked about Ace Ventura. Really? Yeah. I don't know if that's crazy, but Courtney Cox was in. I had forgotten that. And we were just talking about, I was talking about Courtney Cox and it led us to Ace Ventura. Really? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's like crazy, but Courtney Cox was in it. I had forgotten that. And we were just talking about, I was talking about Courtney Cox and it led us to Ace Ventura.

I got to say something. My balls are blown off though. Because if you played. I have not heard that. No, you blew my balls off. I blew them right off? Yeah, because I can't believe that you watched Home Alone 2

to the point where you broke the tape and could recite it and had never piqued any interest in curiosity to go back and watch Home Alone 1. I almost feel like, and when I say almost 100%, I almost feel like I thought Home Alone 2 was the name of the movie. Like, I think I was so young that the number two. Two meant nothing. Yes. Same with Rush Hour 2. But then you were an adult. So what happened all those years?

As an adult, I was like, oh, that's just the movie Home Alone. Right, but why didn't you be like, I love Home Alone 2, I gotta watch one. Because I think I was like, I love Home Alone, and then people were like, well, it's Home Alone 2. And that just happened right now here today.

You know what I mean? Okay. I'm just realizing that the one I have. Because I couldn't reach another VHS when I was attached to the radiator in the basement. Right. Very true. Okay. Watch it.

I'd love to know your opinion on it. Yeah. Because you're reversing it. When I watch it, I was like, oh, we're regurgitating here. But now you're going to watch where that came from. And I wonder how you'll feel about it. I think it i was like oh we're regurgitating here but now you're gonna watch where that came from and i wonder how you'll feel about it i think it was a tv movie i think it was often on the tv right yeah television i'm sure these days yeah i think it's like almost like a christmas story which is my favorite movie of all time really yeah christmas story i've heard is incredible what happens in it it's um it was made in the 80s but it was a time period piece, I think from the 50s.

And it's about a little boy and all he wants for Christmas is a BB gun, but they won't get it for him because it's dangerous. And everyone says, you'll shoot your eye out! Then what happens? He shot his eye out. Did he shoot his eye out? He shot his eyes out? He hurt himself. But it's wonderful. It was taken from a short story from a book by this guy named gene shepherd and it's narrated uh really it's so cool it just feels like they really captured something it's narrated like is it his own thoughts is it like wonder years it is and it's an adult it's exactly that i love wonder years that the narration thing very weird very comforting yeah his voice being like as Daniel Stern, Marv from Home Alone.

Oh. Maybe that's why you like it so much. He's the narrator. Yeah. Interesting. Marv, Joe Pesci's partner in crime. My favorite line.

That's the narrator? Yeah. Daniel Stern. The house is intact and in Cleveland and it's like a museum now. Oh, really? It's right outside

of downtown. 10 minutes. I've been there. Me too. Tulsa. Yeah. Tulsa. Uh-huh. Yeah. Danny boy. I met him. I hung out with him for three hours. Great guy. Yeah. Shout out Danny boy. Oh, really? It's right outside downtown. Ten minutes. I've been there. Me too. Tulsa, right? Tulsa? Uh-huh. Yeah, Danny Boy. I met him. I hung out with him for three hours. Great guy.

Yeah, shout out Danny Boy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's awesome. That's awesome. I actually bought a bunch of t-shirts and I was wearing one the other day and it said stay gold and I didn't realize that the artist was this guy Peter Paid from NYC and he does these old like deli signs. Like you remember when they used to be like a circle, like a green circle and said like milk

sale, 99 cents. He takes that font and he makes like modern day signs with it. Oh, that's awesome. Followed him. And I was like, this is amazing. I have to commission one of these. And then recently he liked a clip from that episode. And I realized that, holy shit, the font on my shirt is his. And he made that shirt. Isn't it weird how things like I was watching, um, fuck, what movie was it? It was some old casino or something, or maybe good felt something. And it like pan past the comedy store. Oh yeah. Probably.

Yeah. And I was like, oh, I am. I was in LA and I was like, I'm about to perform there. And then he was like, I'm from, no, it wasn't that movie. He was like, I'm from Riverdale. And I was like, whoa, my features from there. And then I was like, oh, getting older is just comp, you see things and you just have something that it relates to.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, I think that's why old people are like they want grandchildren so bad you know what i mean because they just give me new flesh anything i haven't seen before yeah because everything just becomes like a rep you know and why they bird watch they're like i haven't seen a fucking warbler you know i thought grandparents wanted grandkids so they could right the wrongs of their shitty parenthood. I think they just want something they don't have a reference to. You know what I mean? Just a little bit of grandparents are a mulligan for giving your child. It is true.

My mom is so much nicer to my niece than she ever was to us. And it's infuriating. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I see that. She hugs the child. What? What?

Yeah. We're hugging kids now. Yeah. This bitch. Oh, fuck. She looks her in the hugs the child. What? What? Yeah. We're hugging kids now? Yeah. This bitch. The fuck? She looks her in the eye and shit? What are we doing? Crazy.

Yeah, they get soft. They get soft. Yeah. I should have been my mom's grandkid, for the love of fucking God. You should, yeah, I get that. You can be your own grandmother and hug yourself. Yeah. I had grandmothers, but they died immediately Of Alzheimer's and forgot how to swallow

Isn't that crazy forgetting how to swallow I'd never forget It's the thing I do the most She's a whore I deduced Not from what you just said Not in general You wanted me to think that

I blew your balls off Yeah When I went to the outsider's house I got her and Ethan You wanted me to think that. I blew your balls off. We've already talked about it. I blew them right off. It was, yeah, yeah, exactly. I got, when I went to the outsider's house, I got her and Ethan outsider shirts. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, I was going to get a stay gold shirt. That's the one I got.

Yeah. And I also got another one that I think you, right up your alley, it was a Converse logo right here and on the back, and it looks like Converse, and it says the outsider stay gold on it. Oh, I love that. That's good. I think they sell it online.

It's not too late for you. Yeah. How come you have the same accent as the Stefano? Where are you guys both from? Do you think I have an accent? Then I'm failing. Because it only comes out usually when I'm not thinking about it. No, you're great.

When I'm smoking or drinking or whatever. I didn't think you could tell. But I'm from Staten Island. He is too, right? He's from Queens. Wow. Which lives in Staten Island now. Yeah. Yeah. But we have light accent. I mean, if you go there, it's like, bro,

what do you don't? Did you have that and you grew out of it? Because I had a really bad Delaware accent when I was younger. Yeah. Like, so disgusting. And it's gone away by just by like just time right yeah but you can still hear it sometimes yeah i don't recognize accents i recognize if two people talk alike you know what i mean like gillis and then i'll be like oh i'll hear a stand-up and i'm like oh shit they're both yeah that or him yeah they all said

they had that little like yeah so it's not so much as accent but i'm like oh shit they're both yeah that or him yeah they all said they had that little like yeah so it's not so much as accent but i'm like you you sound familiar and then i'm like oh it's to stefano has this thing and then i'm like oh they must be from the same place yeah and we're also like we're also close and we do a pod together so we're always with each other so we actually probably yeah in some way shape or form like kind of like talk the same isn't it weird how that happened it's crazy i used to have really bad ocd about that growing up like i would be worried that i would start sounding like other people really yeah periods sync up from being around each other so much he gets cunty when i get cunty i'll still maybe you heard a dropped r i think that's where that's that's where it comes

out because even when i listen back to sets or whatever and i hear like oh man like if i'm like oh i went to the bar i'm gonna play i don bar. I'm going to play me talking in high school and listen to how disgusting this accent is. How do you access that immediately? Because I used to make prank call mixtapes and I have one of my prank calls on here. Let me see if I can. Oh no.

In a minute. Is that even that? Let's wait for this call. Hello? No, hold on. Sorry, guys. Okay, this is fine. This is ridiculous now.

Hello? Hello, Santa McAllister. Oh, God. Hey, now, Santa McAllister. That was your accent. That was your accent. That was your horrible Delaware accent. I know. I was like, I wonder if his voice is higher because he didn't have as much cigs. I used to pretend I was an old woman.

You used to. We just did that a couple weeks ago. Is this Jerky Boys inspired? Yes, of course. Looking for my sister named Abigail Who had my medication And I would just be like please help me I'm looking for Abigail They'd be like I'm trying to help you but you keep repeating the same thing

How'd you record them? With a fucking talk boy device Oh wow Full circle Yeah Talk amongst yourselves with a fucking talkboy device. Oh, wow. Full circle. Yeah? Crazy. Talk amongst yourselves.

I'll find it. You know what I want to do right after this? I want you to make a prank call right now live. We've done it. We'll do it. Have you? Let's do it. Oh, dude.

We were doing it for a while. It's so much fun, isn't it? The police got called. No. Yeah. No. We called. We don't block a number? No, we forgot. I got called in the middle of the You don't block a number?

No, we forgot. I got called in the middle of the night. That's the number one thing to do. We forgot. I've got a story for you actually in that vein. You have two seconds. Forget it. At this point, do an impression of it. I'm sweating because I thought I had it and I didn't. What did it sound like? Oh, hello.

No, wait. What? An old Brit from Delaware. British? Mary Poppins? Oh, hello. I'll play it. I'll play it.

I lost me medication. All right, you know what? Do the Delaware accent. It's all me just pretending to be a woman How old are you here? Like 15 I mean And they were falling for it?

That's what's really weird We called this person and we were saying absurd shit Like He at one point said I don't like, what was it? I don't like yelly and I don't like smelly. And the woman, and they still called the cops and they were like, they have a woman

because we were pretending that I was in a home. An old person's home. And he was the caretaker. And I was like, I have an OnlyFans. Oh. Who did you call? No idea. caretaker okay and i was like i have i have an only fans oh yeah so i was an old lady with an only fans no idea we call no no it was uh it was wasn't it it was a test it was a old folks home for uh testing for medication and we started talking no they were testing for medication

we were at an old folks home oh yes that's right And I got the computer And I ran away She ran away with the computer And signed up for OnlyFans And then I was like the helper And was like sorry these old people Are the mind of the room And they were like you are You are not taking care

Of this woman correctly And he goes I don't like Yelly And I don't like Smelly And they still were like Yeah yeah yeah That woman is in trouble But you called We looked up a Craigslist ad

That was like looking for people To participate in a drug trial. Okay. But we didn't block our number. Yeah. Okay. Ready? Listen, this is going to be worth it.

Damon? Damon? What? Damon? Who? Chris. Bill Kelly. Did you hear?

Bill Kelly. No, my name's Bill Kelly. That's not your voice. Chris. Oh, dude. What? What are you doing? Bill Kelly. No, my name's Bill Kelly. That's not your voice. Chris Veman. What? What are you doing? Sir. Sir?

This is not a laughing matter. I don't know who Chris Veman is, if he's a boyfriend or whatever. Listen, the thing is, we this movie out, it's called All Holes Filled with Big Hard Cock. Sir? Yeah. No, sir. Can you please return it back? Oh, my God. I used to pretend that I worked for Blockbuster and I would call kids' houses that my friends do and talk to their parents and be like,

your son has pulled out a movie and he hasn't returned it. He goes like this. You go, return the movie, Big Hard Cox. He goes, what? And you go, no. Would they get in trouble? No, by the end of the movie, Big Hard Cox, and he goes, what? And you go, no. Would they get in trouble? No. By the end of the call, it would just get so ridiculous.

Oh, so the parents never realized. No. So I was in my kitchen on a phone, and all my friends were in another room on speaker phone on mute. So I would do this. Remember that? I'm on the phone. People picking up when you're on the phone. Oh, dude. Oh, my God. Yeah, right? Totally. Or how about this one? This is the best. phone yeah people picking up when you're on the phone oh dude oh my god yeah right totally or how about this one this is the best when they would pick up

and then they'd start dialing yeah and you'd be like oh my god mom yeah mom and then it'd be like hello and you're like mom i'm on the phone like what are you doing at the cvs i'm calling right now and you're like i am upstairs yeah man i used leave messages. I was taught to leave messages like this. Hi, this is Ian. I'm calling for Caitlin. Hi, Caitlin. This is Ian. I'm just calling to see if you wanted to go to the movies. Please call me back. My number is three. Oops, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Again, this is Ian calling for Caitlin. Call me back at like my mom made me repeat everything as a kid. Yeah. Like're like calling. Yeah, like she would leave messages at the doctor's office and then I would have to leave messages

to friends like I was at the doctor's office. You're like Ian as in I A as in animal. Yeah, I just want to know if you want to go to the playground. Again, that's 204-565-7285. That's so funny. Just like I'm calling for a dentist appointment. My favorite would be when my mom would do that,

where she'd be on the phone and she'd be like, this is Sue Cosentini, C, cat, O, ostrich, S. And then there was always the pause and she'd be like, sandwich. And just watching them come up with it. I actually did a call where I called someone and kept going

and just saw how long we could go. Because this showed we were doing like pranks on the we're trying to do some prank calls. But one time I was home. It was a blizzard. And I was like stir crazy. I was home for a few days. And I had gotten a pack. I did it.

This is not happening. No, Ari, is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my this is not happening. I had been delivered a pair of pants. I delivered a package. It wasn't mine. I threw it on the counter.

It was the right address. It was the wrong name. So I was like, I don't know. Maybe they got the address wrong because I don't know this person. Yeah. So I left up there for like a week and then it was a snowstorm and I was home and I was like, I wonder what's in that. And I was like, actually, how am I going to find who this belongs to? So I said, maybe I'll open it and there'll be some type of, you know.

So I opened it. I like all the justifying you had to open. It was a snowstorm. You were bored. You want to see what's in there? But I was like, maybe. But I really was like, let me try to get this back to this person. So I opened it and there was like an invoice slip in there, packing slip. And it had an email address on it.

And it was size women, six, 17 black pants from Ann Taylor Loft. That's what it was. And so I just was like, hmm, this is this person's email address. And I was going to go write them. I wrote in the subject, I have your pants. I was like, that sounds insane. Oh, yeah. And then I just was like, oh, my God.

How funny would it be if I wrote this woman a ransom note for these pants? Right? Oh, yeah. I swear to God. And I literally, for five hours, I cut letters out of magazines for five no hours it was a 19 page ransom note because now i was all in i was like i was i mean it was 19 pages and then i scanned it i scanned it i uploaded it into the you know to her email i just just wrote, I have your pants, and I just sent it. When was this? This was in 2000, and it was

not that long ago. It was like 2014. Okay. This wasn't for the show? Huge blizzard, right? No, the show was on. This was for your private time? Private time.

Oh my God. Your job is your reality time? This was private time. Yeah. Oh, my God. Your job is your reality. Yeah, but not really. Everyone's always like, so what do you do at home? And I'm just like, I don't do that. You're just having flashbacks of just cutting down. So I just sent it, and I was like, hopefully they'll have a sense of humor. But also, this is bat shit, right?

Yeah. And I said, you have to meet me here on this date. I told her what she had to bring. I told her I needed a jar of Skippy Honey peanut butter in an unmarked duffel. Great. Skippy Honey's the best. Yeah, I know. It is. And I was thinking to it at the time.

Smooth or chunky? Smooth. But I like chunky too. Yeah, I like chunky also. But the honey. And I sent it. And then the next day, let me get the order of how this happened, right? She, oh no, I forgot a huge part. I really did go in. I was was like i have to send her a picture of the pants so she knows that i have the pants and so i was like i'm gonna put the pants on

and i was a little lighter than i was now not much and i it took me like five minutes but i got in these pants real quick yeah you look great thank you so much thank you not size six no i was not a female six. I don't know if that's big and tall. I don't know what it is. Oh, right. It ain't no lame Brian. I'll tell you that one. It might actually be.

I put them on and I was shirtless and I was like, I don't want this to get taken the wrong way. So I was like, let me put on a shirt. You don't want to put on a woman's pants and send a ransom note to be taken the wrong way. So I was like, let me put on a shirt. Yeah, you don't want to put on a woman's pants and send a ransom note to be taken the wrong way. You wouldn't want to think there was any funny business going on. This is a bit.

Right. And then I was like, oh, I got to put on a shirt. And then I was like, well, it's black sateen pants, so I put on a shirt and tie, a sports coat. And they came up to hear the pants. And so I put on red socks and dress shoes and I put on a jacket sportswear and I took a picture of myself about this put it on I was like wait you can't see my face like I can't send my face right right and I was like I'm in for a penny in for a pounty

I put on a ski mask oh I took a picture of myself in these pants and it's online I mean I took a picture of myself in this pants like 10 pictures in the ski took a picture of myself in these pants, like 10 pictures in a ski mask. And I sent one of them with the email address. She wrote me back the next day, like literally really, really mad and saying, I don't know who you are or why you're doing this. This is unsettling. And if you don't give me your information

or why you're doing this, I'm going to call the FBI. FBI? FBI is what she said. Wait, if you're corresponding on email, did you make a fake email address? Well, let me finish the story. How do you call that? Oh, no. So, so then, so then

when she sent that, I was like, I was like, this is probably material. Let me just keep going. And so all I responded back was literally, do you think I'm playing games? And I sent more photos. Wow. Dude.

And then I realized, this is what made me think of the story. I realized I sent it from my email address, literally my email address. And I was like, holy fucking shit. Like, I don't know what to do. And then I swear on my freaking parents. Like, it was that next day or the day after that. It was right timely. I got a text from my landlord. Oh my God. He lived downstairs and he said, Hey, is there a package? Did you get delivered a package? And recently at all for this person,

the person was his girlfriend. Oh my God. And he goes, you know, I, i i we don't have it and i was like oh my god and i was like and i and then i go that's when it hit me i was gonna say no but i had to tell him because if i don't and then they realize it's my email and then he finds out and i lie to him that's gonna be even worse so in the moment i was like holy fucking shit so i text him i go i actually do have them i go they came about a week ago. I didn't know the name, but it was this address. And so I held it just in case, you know, uh, you know, something came up and I said, why don't you meet me? It was like, we live in a house. So I said, meet me in the driveway. I'll give you the pants. So it was opened. So he met me in the driveway. I handed him the pants and he goes, thank you so much. And he goes, it was open. I go, no problem. I go,

but hold on a second. Oh my God. Oh my God. And he's like, what? And I go, thank you so much. And he goes, it was open. I go, no problem. I go, but hold on a second. Oh my God. Oh my God. And he's like, what? And I go, I just, I said, I had these for like a week and I was home and I've been stir crazy or whatever. This is not happening. Unfortunately, I said I was smoking weed and I was high because of it. I did that because I think they have themes and I need to wrap the story. But I wasn't high.

Right. So it really was, I would just was doing this. So, um, I said, I just thought that it would be funny you know at one point if i if i wrote her a ransom note for them and he was like what do you mean i go no no like exactly what i said and so i just i was i i wrote a ransom note and i emailed it to her and i told her i had these pants and and you know and then she got mad and she said she was nicole like the fbi and everything and i i i and i said i took pictures of myself in like a scheme oh my god i swear to god and uh he was younger than me actually uh nice kid i live my family lived before me so i have

a relationship thank god he was younger than you but it still was if he was an older man if he was a veteran i was still stammering because i'm almost stammering now because he didn't take it the right way i really don't know how that would affect it. Cause it is, it is insane. And so did he know you were a comedian? He does. He does. And he goes, just goes like, all right, I'll tell her, you know, like I'll tell her, you know, like, I was like, all right. Did you have to run into her at all? Like six months later, I, I didn't. And then like six months later I was walking out of my house and she was walking down the driveway and she was like, are you the guy that had my pants?

Yeah. And I mean, she was like smiling about it. And so I just went and never got the peanut butter. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's the only time I think I ever maybe I saw one at a time in my life. But yeah. Oh, I'll tell the story of the first and the last time I met Stacy Wu.

That's not her name. I change it. Whatever. But oh, my God. That is unreal. But I forgot to change my email address. Otherwise, I wouldn't. You know what? I wouldn't even know the story.

How do you go through a 19-page thing? You're cutting out tiny. I actually had blisters on my. I got blisters on my fingers. I only had scissors, like smaller scissors that were the kids' ones. Yeah. With like the plastic. And my fingers were so goddamn. And by the end of it, I literally had like red, like smaller scissors that were the kids ones. Yeah. With like the plastic and my fingers were so God.

And by the end of it, I literally had like, like red cuts on my finger. Was there any point during this where you were like, no, I can't. I need to get a pet or something. Or was this just a giggle fest the whole time? Was there anybody in there witnessing it? Like, did you have a buddy over? Were you alone? Were you telling anyone about this? If you had a girl over and you were trying to impress her, that makes sense.

What? That impress her? What? I don't know. I got a great idea. Come over. Do you know how to make a ransom note? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It'll take us five hours. Do me a favor. Stop over and get a ski mask. Yeah. Do you have small hands? Cut out this tiny dish. Yeah, yeah. I have the ransom note still to this day.

I brought it on stage and showed it. Oh, that's amazing. And then I went to Kinko's and I blew up the pictures because I was on stage and I had to show them on stage. So I blew the pictures up even bigger than this. I blew up two of them and I showed them. And yeah, I actually remember. What's that? Were your boxers showing?

No, no. I was in the pants. You got them all the way in. I got them all the way in. It's online Can you look at it What do you look up? Just put

Ransom note pants Savalcano ransom note Or Savalcano this is not happening Or Savalcano ski mask And I also like leaned into it I put a little English on the photos Like I had sass in the photos Yeah

Like I was like You know like this You left the mouth open a little Yeah I mean I want you What did they What did they think about At the Kinko's when you were like,

hey, I'm going to make a bunch of ransomware. Literally in my set, I go, by the way, Kinko's, no questions. No questions. No questions at all. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten weird film printed before, and they're like, don't care about you. Don't care about what happened in those photos or that person's head.

I had to print out a script for a table read and I go to Staples. The guy behind the register is the most inept moron. Cannot do anything. Line is backing up. You know how you make line friends and you're kind of like... So he goes, next. And I go,

I just need to put hole punches in these. I've been waiting like a half hour. And he goes, well, do you want me to do it? Or do you want to do it? I go, I got it. So then he gives it to me and he doesn't even set it up for me. He just hands me the thing. So I get to figure out the holes and the width.

Well, you said you could do it. He offered. I don't need this right now. All right. Keep going. So I'm doing it. The whole, the wisdom. And it's not working.

And I just go, oh my God, I'm going to kill myself. This freaking thing's not working, right? Yeah. By the way, this is straight Lenny vibes. Right now it's Lenny vibes. Okay, fine. Yeah. Cool.

Great. Because you're like, I'll do it. Then you're like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. Oh, speaking of guns. What? Oh. I have a present for you. Can I'm going to kill myself. Oh, speaking of guns. I have a

present for you. Can I finish the story? So there's two photos. I don't know which. Oh, wow. You look incredible. That's the first one. Oh, my God. Touching the shades. Yeah, that's the first one. And the second one when I said, oh, you think I'm playing games? I'm laying

on the floor. Oh, dude. I mean, how could she take this seriously? Well, I said, oh, you think I'm playing games? I'm laying on the floor. Oh, dude. I mean, how could she take this seriously? Well, I mean, I love that she said unsettling because that's like the exact, that's a very perfect way. This is very, FBI, what do you call, 1-800-FBI?

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. She actually specifically said, I will call the FBI and like, she said, the FBI and she said the exact thing she said was the only thing better is if when she said that, you said, if you call the FBI my phone will ring because I'm

a female body inspector. That's amazing. I want to go back. I had the email still and I read it directly on the thing and I forget it off the top of my head but she said, I will call the FBI and have them charge you with something like harassment. And then she goes, and possible terrorism. Nice.

She said possible terrorism, you know, and that's actually what they named the clip. Possible terrorism. Oh, that's awesome. That's great. That's awesome. Yeah. Well, long story short. Anyway, this guy behind the register was like knows me

from whatever and anytime i get dunked on on twitter he quote tweets it and goes just so you know this man screamed he was gonna kill himself in my staples what he couldn't punch a script if you ever see a movie called gobl, just know this man is unwell. And I always retweet it because I'm like, no way. That's amazing. That guy sounds like the man. So he follows you? Yeah.

And then he takes every opportunity. And his stupid little page is full of his dumb little cartoons that no one likes or retweets because he sucks. They're all like that. You ever look at a bad commenter and go to their page? It's really incredible. You know he's watching right now, right? Good. I'm not going to kill my it was a

joke because you were inept at your job guy. Yeah, you were inept at his job. Everyone laughed when I said I'd kill myself and it wasn't like so he knew I was like, oh my God, I can't do I'm going to fucking kill myself.

If everyone else left and that's left, then that's on him. That's on him. That means he's just shit stirring. And the old lady next to me was very upset with him because he couldn't fucking do anything. What? Couldn't even less draws cartoons.

Staples. That was easy. I don't know who thought of that one. It's never easy there. Show me your little gift. Let's get out of here. Okay, I went to Austin. I've been tracking this around the country for you.

No way. Oh, that's so cool. That is very cool. Look at this. I'm going to drink my low ice coffee out of it. Who's going to kill themselves now, animator guy at Staples? And we got the, this was

drawn by the girl. Oh, yeah! And then there's some stickers from another girl in there. Oh, that's so nice. Oh, you don't have something for everybody? I don't have, well, actually. Do you like Dolly Parton? I love Dolly Parton. Do you really? Yes, I do. This girl made really cool

dolly meets misfits. What? You didn't show me this. It's going right on my weed box. This is amazing. See, you ask and you get rewarded. This is amazing.

I'm like a little child. I have a weed box with tons of stickers on it. Is there one that you like? Oh, this is a Dolly Danzig sign. Yeah. Wait, I don't want to take yours. No, that's yours. Okay, okay.

And this says anal. That's my favorite thing. That's fun. Vegans fart more. I don't know why we got that one. The mug is great. Oh, here you go. B&E and friendship bracelet.

Mine says Jordan. It doesn't say B&E. I'll wear it. Dude, me and Jordan are going to get this tattooed on us. Jesus had fleas. That feels sacrilegious if you want that. Yeah, that's great. Do you want to get this tattooed on?

We also have anal. You don't want that. Also, this is a take on, is it black? No, what is this? This one? Sex pistols. Oh, sex pistols. That's it? Hey, what about this right here? Nice.

That's what I'm going to do tomorrow. I just feel like she's a tattoo artist and we should get it from her. You're going to do it tomorrow? I don't feel like they get impulse tattoos. Yeah. No, I'm jealous. I always wanted that and I never got it

can you speak up ski mask ransomware guy please yeah talk about impulsive I love your tattoo I didn't go that round and I always wish I did too late for me now you got the script never too late I actually have Jaden Smith on both my thighs but that's about it

and I have some words here and I have my grandparents initials in like Sailor Jerry hearts on my legs. Oh, that's right. Yeah, the Jaden Smith thing. He's 15 on this side and he's 21 on this side. Who?

And this one he posed for. Really? You do not have Jaden Smith tattoos. But I do though. No, you don't. Yeah, I do. Do you want to take that to tell the truth?

Jaden Smith, the child of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the first time I got it, he was 15 and he's on my leg at 15. Is that illegal? And this one's black and white.

This one's full color, though. Really is. I really evolved. Are you telling the truth? You can pull those up. Pull them up. Why would he lie? Why did you get those?

She's nagging you to have you take your pants off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't tell you. Forced a gun point. I'll do it. No, yeah, I was forced to do it. Wow. Now, here's my question.

You need to get another one at another one of his milestones when he turns like 25 or 30. I think it's either going to be... And I met him because of it, and then we became friends. Friendly, I should say. We text once in a while. He's a good kid. But I was going to get like one every like six years

or get Willow, Jada, and Will and do like a Smith's family Mount Rushmore on my thigh. Wow. I can't wait till you look like me, but it's all Jada and Smith heads. Yeah, exactly right. We see you in six months and you just look like Jada. You get Jada a different hairstyle, bald, with hair.

Yeah, I can do however I want to do it. Make her bald and then people can draw whatever hair on her they want. Love. Yeah. Musician. So good want to do it. Make her bald and then people can draw whatever hair on her they want. Love. Yeah. Musician. So good. Such good songs.

Yeah. Not familiar with Jaden's work. My buddy tells me, don't worry about it. When you get older, look like Morgan Freeman. Nice. Which is nice.

They're both good people. Great people. All right, that's a show. That's amazing, Sal. You're the man. Tell us about the important thing. Did I say that yet? I don't know. Did we say that at the top? I don't remember. No, but we can do all our dates at the

top of the episode. We can record a special thing at the beginning. Yeah, go ahead. So do it now. And then we'll do it again. My stand-up comedy special at the Vic Theater in Chicago on December 2nd. It's a Saturday. Those tickets go on sale September 13th,

which I think is going to be today. Yeah. Because, you know, we're recording a little early. The 13th and 14th are on sale and pre-sale, and the promo code is NOPRESH, P-R-E-S-H. And then the 15th, September 15th, they're on sale to the general public. We're doing a couple of shows.

There's not a lot of tickets, and if they sell it, we might add some. But yeah, that's it. And it's my first special, my first real official special that I'm doing. So December 2nd at the Vic. I chose Chicago. So Chicago, come on out for me. Yes.

Yeah, man. I love that. I mean, I'm also on Twitter. There's like 30 other cities up there. SalVolcanoComedy.com. You're the best, man. Yeah. You are too, man.

I love you. Congrats. You should come on. Because I want you to come back on again. Come on come on a pod you know i have two pods it's a taste buds and hey babe the best joe de rosa and krista seven oh come on so much you're the best we had a blast with you and by the way just really before we end i gotta say thank you again because your episode where you co-hosted with me because he wasn't there people loved it and ron the mc McDonald's came out of that

that we got that McDonald's outfit. And then we did a live streaming Taste Buds. And Joe was dressed as an authentic Ronald because of you. And it was like a gangbusters, like our favorite episode we've ever done out of like almost 200. Oh, man. Nice.

Get his face tattooed on you then, would you? Yeah, let's do it. Now turn around. Yeah, it was the best episode. You're the man. We love you, Sal. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me.

IanFidance.com for all my dates. Got a new website. Bunch of cities. You got to come. Jordan. JordanJensen.com. It's actually JordanJensenComedy.com. JordanJensenComedy.com.

Her dates and dates. If you want to go see Lenny live, go to Lenny live. Bye bye. We love you. See ya. We'll see you next time.