Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 060: East River ET W/ Matt McCusker and Mike Recine

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like To live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Hello! Welcome back to another Barn Burner episode of Be an Ian with Jordan.

Be Jordan. I am excited to be here. Yep. Oh, that's right. Jordan got me that mug. Yeah. Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod. Jordan got me that mug. Yeah. Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. We got a lot of fun stuff. Join. Hang out. Have fun. Did I talk about

Deb's fundraiser? No. I don't think so. I didn't? No. Okay. Well, basically, I went on stage as the host. Huge mistake. And I was like, I told Ethan offstage, I was like, I'm gonna be clean. I'm gonna be clean. I'm gonna be clean. And I walked on stage and was like, I told Ethan offstage, I was like, I'm going to be clean. I'm going to be clean. I'm going to be clean. And I walked on stage and was like, black people.

Like, I just went crazy. Insane. And I felt really bad about it. That's how you start every set, though. I know. I know. But I was like, that's her zip zaps up. Yeah. I know. I'm doing the pre-show exercises on stage. Deb was like, whatever you do, don't do

just don't say retard. So I just said everything but retard. It was crazy. And then I get off stage and I feel really nervous about it and I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. It's all like speech therapy women. Yeah, they don't want, they don't like that word. And it's a fundraiser for kids with speech impediments. Yeah, I didn't say that.

Yeah, in like Africa. Yeah, the charity is like they give speech therapy to like kids in Africa. What about the kids here? I said that I had a speech impediment. What about the other problems in Africa? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's a lot worse things happening in Africa.

Yeah, you know these kids are getting AIDS, right? Could we get some food? That's good. So it was an Africa speech impediment Fundraiser I think the lady kept all the money by the way Yeah And Mike is like sweating

Because this is like Deb's big day Deb looks beautiful All of her co-workers are there Well she always looks beautiful Yeah but she's done up You brought her flowers You brought her flowers and she was like, you're gay. You know?

Yeah. And and then she left them at the stand. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah. And then it's getting closer and closer to Mike's set. He's sweating more and more.

And I was off stage in the back green room and I was like by the monitor when I was like, man, I shouldn't have done. Well, I just sweat a lot because my computer's filled with child pornography. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. That makes sense. And then he. Well, I just sweat a lot because my computer's filled with child pornography. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, that makes sense. And then he gets on, and I just tune in.

Just in the back of your mind, all the CP. You got a hard drive. It's always on my mind, yeah. Everybody else is like, is my oven off? You're like, can I hit? I can't Google how to delete

the child pornography from your phone. Isn't that the best part about it, though? Always worrying about your child porn stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a burden, and it's something to child porn stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a burden and something to look forward to. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. It's a true thrill of it.

My cousin's been watching dwarf Asian porn and my uncle was like, I cut him off. He's getting cut off. My uncle, I was like, why are you cutting him off? He likes to be like, and he was like, he was like, why are you cutting him off? If he likes it, he likes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like K2 for child porn, dude. It's a slippery slope. He was like, if you were a pedophile. Actually, it's literally a slippery slope. Michael! Damn, bro. That might have been the best riff I've ever had. Can I get out of here?

Slippery, slanted slopes. They're like lubed up. And they're Asian. Yeah. No, my uncle was like, Jordan, if you were a kid, if you wanted to watch kiddie porn and you had to, but you didn't want to go to jail, what would you look up on RedTube? And I was like, well, yeah, cut him off, cut him off. Yeah. Because my uncle was like justifying cutting off his son from dwarf Asian porn.

And I was kind of like, you know, let him do what he wants. And he was like, no, no. Wait. Yeah. I feel like this was no, no. Wait. Yeah. I feel like this was a family discussion. Uh-huh. Did your uncle see the history

or were they just like chatting about it? Yeah, my uncle, my cousin is like wildly autistic and my uncle was like, oh, yeah. He forgot that part.

That makes sense. I feel like the bigger story here is my nephew might be a pedophile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think so. Well, it's a good point.

Sure. Also, he has the mental capacity. It's like your brother. What do you mean? My brother doesn't watch porn. My brother's not a sinner. If your brother was watching child porn, wouldn't you be like, oh, it's like, you know.

No. It's like age appropriate. No, I'd have an excuse to put him out of his misery. Yeah. You're just putting CP on his computer so I can kill him take this kid out back I had to kill him

he had child pornography on his computer okay but to finish the Deb story so I'm in the I'm in the sound booth and I turn up the sound right as I'm like I'm like dude I shouldn't have said any of that shit I turn up the sound and I I'm like, I'm like, dude, I shouldn't have said any of that shit. I turn up the sound and I hear Racine go anyway, he was a slave. And it's just, everybody's like shocked. And he goes, well,

give it up for my wife, Deb, everybody. And that was it. And that was the end of your set. And I felt so much better. Oh, good. You rescued me. Yeah. Well, I didn't even think she was going to put me on the show. Cause I was like, what, what am I going to, what am I going to do? I told him not to do that joke. He yelled that in there. What was the joke?

It was the Jewish slave joke. I've been doing it for a long time. It's a great joke. Classic. Thanks. So yeah, we destroyed his wife's big event. No, I think it was good. They liked, like Liz Mealy did really well.

They liked her. They liked, who else? They probably liked Nimesh. They liked, like, Liz Mealy did really well. They liked her. They liked, who else? They probably liked Nimesh. They liked Nick Viagas. Who? He's a funny guy. Nick Viagas, he's a funny guy, good joke writer. Cool.

Yeah. Was this, like, a corporate, kind of like a... Yeah, it was like a... Corporate folk, or was it, like... Yeah, sort of, yeah. It's good to, like, I think it's good to, like, zap their brains. Yeah. No, I think it's good to zap their brains The majority of corporate events You're told, don't cuss, don't say this

Who hires you for a corporate event? That's neither here nor there What are these shoes? These are my walking shoes When did you get those? I got these from a Nike commercial I did in 2015 where I had to play a professor who was teaching everyone about new biotech wear for Nike. Are you tired of the old waffle print long underwear? Is that how you did it?

From what I can remember. Are you tired? it i just from what i can remember are you tired well it was a live media event so they filmed everything and then disseminated out to like complex and like all these other media outlets what do you mean a live media event you got on the screen no no it it wasn't a film commercial that when it was like for it was was like a live thing that they filmed, and then it was sent out internally to all these different companies and everything for the release of their high-tech,

Under Armour-type winter wear. Yeah. And so the idea was I was a professor that goes in, and I'm late to class, and I am teaching them all about this new technology, but they didn't tell anyone what it was. They're like, it's going to be a surprise to them that they're part of the event.

So no one knew what was going on and they just had me go in wearing these shoes, an old professor outfit, and they were like, we want you to go in and knock everyone's books off their desks. And I'm like, okay. So dude, they have everyone sit in a fabricated classroom. I'm glad you didn't get shot by somebody.

No, it was in a huge warehouse on the west side. They had everyone sit in a fabricated classroom and then a bell rings and I just walk in and I'm like, sorry, I'm late. I was up late grading tests. Get out of here. And I just throw it. And dude, no one laughed.

Really? It was just me talking fastly for a minute and a half. The thing was supposed to last for five minutes. Oh, yeah. It was a bucket to say after they gave you shoes. Was it a film commercial, though? It was just like a live. It was filmed, and then it was sent internally

to all these different companies. I see what you're saying. They shopped around. Right, so it was like, I've done commercials before, but it's been like for JetBlue. So they put it on the back of the screen at Jet when you take off. You know what I mean? Like one of those type commercials. Yeah, it wasn't like

broadcast on television. Gotcha. I did a show at Allbirds and I ate a dick because I was talking about how I wanted to kill myself. At where? At Allbirds, that shoe company. And afterwards the guys were like, you can have a free pair of shoes. Oh, yeah. Well, I'll tell you, they gave me these and then they also gave me a bunch of

Under Armour stuff and they didn't give me the size I asked for. And then when I contacted them about the right size, they acted like I didn't exist. Yeah. I would have done that too. Yeah. They literally like staged a fake invisible ad. You know what I mean? Like you didn't exist. staged a fake invisible ad you know what i mean like you didn't exist just got deleted into the ether they just sent you thank god i i have a copy of it do you really it is in a hard drive that i'm protecting the same way mike protects his cp oh yeah we gotta find that that's my sweating people cannot see what a commercial what does that pay? Maybe like $250? No, they paid well. I'll tell you. They really took advantage of me

because I didn't have anyone to negotiate for me. They paid me $5,000, which was alright. But for Nike, I had to write it. I had to go in for meetings. I had to come up with everything. All I got was this. Yeah. Yeah.

All I got was this. Five Gs. Nike. Yeah. Nike. Release it. Release a commercial. Just promote yourself via their brand, dude.

That's a good idea. Yeah, just be like, thanks, everyone. I'm finally in a Nike commercial. Just say, like, yeah, it's global. It's in, like, Turkey. I'm in a Turkish Nike commercial. It'll boost your public profile. I remember reading one review and it was like, frantically a man came in the room.

No one knew what was going on. It was not kind at all about anything. There was a review of the commercial? Yeah, like complexed it or write up about it. Wow. Because it was an event. They invited all these different media people to come to this big thing for the unleashing of this new brand.

Yeah. I forget what it was called. It was like tech or tech. No. Something. But you weren't wearing any of that stuff.

No, I was dressed like an old professor wearing these shoes and nobody left. Oh, wow. I'll tell you what, I would love two hundred or two hundred fifty dollars right now. Mike, you know, give him your shoes.

That would be great. You can't even afford sleeves. The last time you were here, I gave you a shirt. You did? Yeah. My wisdom and change shirt, remember? Do you want these shoes? No, I'm okay.

Those are vintage. You could really sell those for some money. Yeah, people love those little Jerry Seinfeld. They do. They are Seinfeld shoes. People love that shit. I had to wear them because of my ankle. They give good ankle support.

Look at us. We're doing an ad right now for these motherfuckers. I know. Nike Monarchs. Hello? Answer the call. That's a shoe. I'm glad you got 5,000 bucks. That's nice. It's good to see your friends winning this. I missed my cousin's wedding.

Sherry. Cousin Sherry. She got married. To a woman? I missed it because I had to go to rehearsal. That's not real marriage. She's married to a woman,? And I missed it because I had to go to rehearsal. That's not real marriage. Sorry. Yes, she's married to a woman, Jordan, just like your mother. It doesn't even make any sense. You come from lesbians.

Yeah, but whose day is it really, though? It's the God's day. If it's two women. It's the Lord's day. My Uncle Clyde was upset about them getting married, not because it was lesbians, just because Sherry was the one that was wearing the suit. He was like, I always

pictured my daughter in a dress. She's hotter than that. She's hotter than that. Can't even see your fat little ass in that suit. God damn it. When my moms got married, I was like, why are you what? They don't like you in that.

You know what I mean? They don't want you in there. Who doesn't like you? God. Yeah, but you don't like you in that you know what i mean they don't want you in there who doesn't like you um god yeah but you don't do things for anyone else well then michelle one of my moms was like it because if we don't get married your stepbrothers control what happens to us like if we're on life support and i was like oh yeah that makes sense then definitely that's pretty cool yeah and we all know what you're divorced your kids rather than marry somebody else. Yeah, yeah. That's some real horrible shit. What? I just said we all know what Jordan's stepbrothers are capable of. Yeah.

Oh, nice. Thank you. Thank you so much. You pioneered. I did pioneer. I was ahead of the curve with that. I was ahead of the curve wearing these shoes. Look at us. Yep. Both are a sign of mental retardation.

But what are you going to do? I do like the idea of that. If Jordan wears those shoes, they cancel out her fucking her stepbrother. That's right. That's right.

Or they just put my stepbrother right in jail. She fucks that guy. I think it just increases the chances of it happening again. Yeah. Yeah. I hurt myself.

I have to wear these shorts. Speaking of mental retardation, I have a new addiction. Yeah. Do you want to take guesses? Yes, I do. I was hoping that you'd ask. Some kind of candy. Some sort of.

That's your guess. No. Some sort of phone game. Jordan, no. McCusker. You guys will your guess. No. Some sort of phone game. Jordan, no. McCusker? You guys will never guess. I was watching YouTube videos of fire trucks responding.

That's really... I fell into that YouTube hole the other day. Really? In real life, I drop everything to watch them go by and I wave. Wait, do you watch them? What do you watch them do?

Pull out? No, you don't. I wasn't. It's not my thing. I was watching videos with my YouTube videos with my daughter. I have a three-year-old daughter

and we were watching, we were actually watching Houses on Fire. Amazing. It was pretty awesome. But then I saw there's like a whole other algorithm of them just, there's compilations of like

Scranton Fire Department, Bethlehem, and they just have the different ones turn their lights on and pull out of the firehouse. And I was like, this is actually kind of cool. Oh, dude, that's awesome. You can't say we yet. Three? You can't say we. Like me and her were sitting around watching houses on fire. She pulled it up. I was just there. Wait, why were you just

watching houses burn down? She, I think she had learned about firefighters. So I was like, you want to see houses burn for. She pulled it up. I was just there. Wait, why were you just watching houses burn down? I think she had learned about firefighters. So I was like, you want to see houses burn for real? And I was showing her videos of houses on fire. That's awesome. She was like, we were both dating. I tried to show her like a chemical plant exploded in China. And she was like, no, go back to houses.

So then we saw. She didn't even care. I showed her a fucking. Ready for the real shit. I showed her a warehouse exploding. And she was like, She didn't even care. I showed her a fucking. Ready for the real shit. I showed her a warehouse exploding. And she was like, okay, fine, whatever. And then we started seeing the trucks respond. I'm like, this is nice.

She liked that. I love. She was kind of pumped on it. Do you know what would be so fun? Oh, my God. Up by Sirius XM. There's a firehouse store. You can sit in a fire truck.

You can turn the sirens on. I go every time I do radio. I bought shirts from there. It's real fun. Oh, you're saying for him and his kid. No. I go every time I do radio. I bought shirts from there. It's real fun. Oh, you're saying for him and his kid. No, I'm saying for all of us. Wait, so what's your thing? What's your new...

Also, real quick, can I just say my parents would do that with me but they would take me to burn down homes and let me walk through them to show me not to play with matches. Like meth labs. No, just like burn down homes in Delaware. A lot of those. To make me be grateful for what we had and to not play with matches.

Oh, they would take you to burned down homes. Yeah, see, this is what happens when you play with matches. When you're a kid, you think that's like the number one or number two cause of fires. Kids playing with matches. Yeah. But you can play with matches and nothing really. I play with matches right now. So I throw them around like I don't think it would burn the building down.

True. A house burned down on my farm and my dad said that my mom did it until the day your mother did it. Why would she do it? Jewish lightning? Just because she became a lesbian. He was upset about it and he thought she would. Oh, it might have been frictional.

She didn't burn it down. She built the house. She's not burning it down What'd you say? Might have been friction Oh yeah yeah yeah Might have been a static shock He didn't think she lit it

He thinks she did it You know and they've been rubbing their muffs together You know what happens With scissors It's like darling My new addiction is colonics Oh yeah That's where you get like your butthole Vacuumed out with water

I went last week I'm going again tomorrow. What's that have to do with retarded guys? Oh, it's kind of out there that I really enjoy it. You need to try. Have you tried it? No, my brother said it's pretty awesome. What is it feeling? They shoot water up your butt.

I don't know. My brother said they just shoot water up your butt, which he was like, nice. And then it just pulls all of this poop out of you. Yeah. You feel light and refreshed. Yeah. It feels so, dude, it is literally you're just sitting on a fucking tub and you got a blanket

over you. Is it in Chinatown? No. Yeah. Where are you going that it's clean? In Williamsburg. Okay. And they just poopy in that place for a living That's their job is to clear poop out And then they sell you on a lymph node drainage

Which I did but I don't think it works Some Hasidic guy Puts you in an airtight vacuum Suit and he goes It's going to be a lot of pressure It's not massage it's push Are you okay and I go bring it on And then it's just a machine that's like.

And it's supposed to like squeeze. That's making me want to faint. See, you need your lymph nodes drained. It's like the blood pressure machine. I don't like it. There it is. But the colonic's awesome. And there's a tube that you flush out and you can see all the debris come out.

What? It's really cool. You're just sitting there shitting, and a woman comes in. She's like, they give you a massager to push. It's like going to the car wash. Yeah, for your ass. Just poop coming out. Watch your ass get cleaned.

And then you come home and shower a lot? Yeah. How much was it a lot? Were you surprised at the amount of poop that was in you? Yeah. But I said, look, this is a bit vulgar. I know. I apologize, but at what point will I be able to trust a fart?

She was like, you're not going to have a bowel movement for like two or three days. What? And then that night I was just shitting my brains out because she was like, you need to eat light. And I was like, okay, whatever pasta it is. Then that night I had like calamari and pasta. God damn. So they shoot water up your ass and they vacuum it out. No, they don't vacuum it is. Then that night I had like calamari and pasta. God damn. So they shoot

water up your ass and they vacuum it out. No, they don't vacuum it out. So much water goes into your colon that you have to push and it's like water goes in. I don't think this is good to do a lot. You push it out. It's not natural. Your uncle blows in one of the tubes. It's got goggles on. It doesn't sound like something you do more than like once a month.

Yeah. Maybe once a year. Once a week. Your body's not supposed to take things. I remember being in the bathtub and learning that I could fill my vagina up with water and then push my stomach and it would push out. How old were you and who was teaching you? I was probably like 12 and it became...

It was so, so fun. And my stepbrother. And I'm pulling it. You go like that and then it just floods with water and then you push your belly and it... Now you know what else you can put in your vagina. Now that it's stretched out. Now that your little baby vagina is stretched out,

it can fit my big boy dick. It can fit my big boy dick. It can fit my big boy penis. No, Jordan! No! Oh, you're going to make me cum everywhere. That's pretty cool, though, just to get a nice little...

But I don't think that was good. Can you make yourself queef? No. I did grow up with a girl who could do it. She'd put her legs up the wall and do like a split in the air and then she would queef and boy howdy. I was paralyzed with laughter.

I couldn't recover from it. She would stand over you and you'd lay on the ground and she'd stand over you. And it would just be like It's too funny. If guys stand on all fours for long enough my brother would sit there and try to do it. You can make yourself fart funny If guys stand on all fours for long enough My brother would sit there and try to do it You can make yourself fart

If you stand on all fours long enough He would like do some weird thing I woke up in a sleepover I woke up in a sleepover with three of my friends It was like a fucking Like ritualistic killing They were face down as a Pulling air into their ass

Just like ripping farts. Dude, we had a bike pump. What the fuck? It's just a D-Day of farts going on around me. I'm like, oh my god, what's happening? I forgot all about that. People can do that. It was so fun. We had a bike pump. We would stick up my friend's ass

and then we would pump him up. We'd pump him up good and then we would pull it out and we'd be like, hold it, hold it, and then I would pump him up. We'd pump him up good and then we would pull it out and we'd be like, hold it, hold it and then I would get one of the gas lighters and then he would fart and it would It was awesome.

It's the ultimate. It's the top of the mountain on this matter. I can't. Even the other day I farted with my feature and he goes goes that was a shower fart and I like just just the idea of it being a shower fart out of the shower I was like weeping laughing I think it's the funniest thing I can't when my mom farts because she has so she has no ass and she's old it sounds like somebody communicating with you from a day it's like right right right right right it has like vocabulary but it doesn't use consonants so it's just like

you don't fart and then you'll you'll like be like what was that you'll look at her and she has this look always where she's like she's like it's like this proud like you shut your mouth it's a really good look it's incredible ah remember when i was proud, like, you shut your mouth. It's a really good look. It's incredible. Remember when I was at your place and you were farting? You're like, it's a wood floor! Dude, it was like, cool. I always thought, yeah,

I was like sick. I was sitting on a wood bench on a date and I farted and the woman goes, what's that vibration? I go, myself, I'm red. Whoops! I just keep getting calls! I farted and the woman goes, what's that vibration? I go, myself, I'm red. Whoops. I just keep getting calls. What fucking idiot says, what's that vibration? Fuck.

That's such a funny question. I had the worst stomach ache last night and then I slept over at a guy's house, and I was, yes. And then I was there, and I had to. I just, there was nothing I could do. Trying to be so quiet with it. I was trying to have it be like a. Oh, no. So I was like, okay, maybe, but the way that my butt cheeks weren't splayed enough, it just made like a.

What was the reaction? Yeah, what'd he say? It was like that. Oh, he was asleep? Yeah, yeah, thank God. But it was loud enough. It was loud enough. It almost was a saving grace that it could have been like a book drop. It's nice you triggered his nervous system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. drop. It's nice you triggered his nervous system. Hit him.

What was that? Car crash. Outside. When I queef in sex, I always did this thing where I would go like this. It would happen and a lot of my friends do this. We go like this. Like, ow. And then they go, oh, sorry. And they move on thinking that it's their

fault, kind of I would go speak to me baby sing to me how come that happened so much more when I was younger oh cause the you had a tighter pussy I'm sure her pussy is just as tight as it was

10 years ago before my step brother got a hold of it it really got rang out no it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really got rang out. No, it's actually because back then when doggy style was happening, it was real doggy. Like where you'd stay up on all fours

and they'd pull out. Like a corkscrewed pink penis. It's bright red. I was really fucking a dog back then Now Now I've You know As I've gotten older

I just fuck humans Before the world went woke You could fuck a dog Before all this woke shit Now if I say I'll fuck the dog I'll get fucking cancelled We'll get fucking canceled.

We'll get demonetized on YouTube. See, good, leave it, lose your mind. Like, God damn, dude. No, but it was, you know, now Doggie is just prone bone. Now we're all flat. Doggie's flat. Yeah, I got to lay it down. I'm not fucking porn stars.

I'm just a normal lady, okay? I'm not fucking girls named Kitty Meow Meow or whatever. Hey mom, this is my girlfriend Kitty Meow Meow. I have a last name. I'm like most of the women that you fuck. That's a good point, though. I mean, that is the fart position. All fours. Yeah.

What do you do when the girl queers? Are you supposed to go, it's okay. Ignore it it Like a champion But what if they keep doing it? Oh, then you say speak to me I think speak to me is the right move Sing to me

Yeah What's that? It's in the well? I thought that was good I thought that was like nice Yeah Like a squirt No, no

Same thing Queef squirt I'm pretty sure that's the same thing. It's like a real-time Yelp review. Four stars. Nice. Squirt is pee, by the way. Is it?

It's not pee. It is pee. I've squirted. It's not pee. I thought that forever. Do you know how much I made fun of it? Whoever you're with is lying to you because it tastes like piss. Whoever I was with?

Nobody was tasting it. Then why are you doing it? Because it was hard, hard sex. And then it felt like a water balloon broke. And on my floor, there was just a puddle of... Really? Yeah. No, because it came out of my vagina.

So does pee. Google it. No, it comes out of your urethra, you fucking idiot. Dude, your urethra is attached to your vagina. I'll tell you, the truth is the squirting helps the semen flow. You don't know. I Googled it. What the fuck are you talking about?

I thought my water broke and I was losing a child. It freaked me out. There's a warp in my floorboards. Squirt is pee. It's not pee. You've never had a woman squirt and look at the sheet? It's is pee. It's not pee. You've never had a woman squirt and look at the sheet. It's not yellow.

It's clear. I love when you're having sex with your wife and she's like, oh, yeah, this is good. You know? You know when that happens?

Oh, you're doing me. Cool. All I'm getting from this is that squirting's bad. You should never make a woman do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely don't even try and do it you should actually be careful not to do it

I've been cautious my whole life it's not worth it I don't want anything to do with it yeah that's good you're a good man for that a king even that might scare them let me hold back my sexual prowess

I was going to go down on you but I didn't want to scare you That might scare them. Let me hold back my sexual prowess. I was going to go down on you, but I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want you to get scared. I was going to eat your snatch and I just don't want to rough it up. I love when you touch your wife's breast. It feels like a bag of sand. You touch your wife's tit like you're giving a testicle exam. Racine, the thing that you tweeted. I love that you touched your wife's tit like you're giving a testicle exam. Racine, the thing that you tweeted. You touch your wife's tit and you wish it was a ball.

I was crying. Did you see how he story did? Yeah, yeah. Thanks for doing that. I was weeping laughing. Yeah, well, I have seen him in my neighborhood a couple times. I didn't think to do that. But that's like so funny.

I see Ethan Hawke in my neighborhood sometimes. Nice. So I was thinking it'd be so funny to be like yo homes you ever had your shit pushed in like from training day just like that like a little brooklyn cafe like hey what's up man i love your yo homes you ever had your shit pushed in is your training day heckle him in real life what's that you like heckle him uh i should have, yeah. Next time you will. Next time I see him, I will. Yeah, I'm sure he would laugh, right?

Yeah. Not to brag, but I see a lot of celebrities over where I live. Yeah, yeah. Paul Giamatti walked by my car the other day. Oh. Yeah, I see Peter Dinklage a lot. Nice. Really?

That's just a child at the playground. Wow. Oh, my gosh. Peter Dinklage is likelage Get away from my son Get away from my son You fucking pervert You should steal him You should steal Dinklage

You should steal him Throw him in a van He's worth millions That's a great idea Bring him on the show Do a corporate gig Check out Peter Dinklage Just put him on a city bike and ride away.

You get people over and be like, check this out. Come on, fly, you fucking. Dude, you'll never guess. Look what I got. I'm like. Anytime you're bombing on stage, you just unzip a duffel bag. Okay, you guys, here he is. I'm like mad at him because he can't fly.

I'm like, we're getting chased by the cops, you fucking asshole. Make this bike fly. What are you good for? I thought you had powers. I thought you had powers. Come on. We gotta go. Yeah, he's listening.

But you could also snatch him up. I heard he's kind of a dick. I heard he's kind of a dick. He's just small. Anybody talking in a man voice who's small is mean. He just crashed into the East River. You swim away. You're like, oh, I gotta save myself.

You got him tighter in the city bike. The city bike just sinks we're here we're here with the man who killed Peter Dinklage for no reason I thought he had powers not at all let me explain they're supposed to have powers

oh man I don't feel good We're here with podcaster and Peter Dinklage Murderer Mike Risson I'd be so mad If people were talking about snatching me up and taking me away Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd be so mad

What up everybody, it's your old pal Ian I don't know why I said what up Maybe it's because I have a backwards hat and a bandana Like Boxcar Racer. Remember them? Shout out Tom DeLonge. Great band. Aliens exist. Anyway, if you're going for the clean shave look, but hate the mess and hassle of a wet shave, Manscaped has something for you. It's not just balls anymore. The handyman, Manscaped's new electric face shaver lets you shave up to three days to three days of growth.

No water or shaving cream required. I need this because sometimes a wet shave is a lot, and I run late, and I just need to buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz my face, but not the mustache. It's going to take a lot of money to get rid of this thing. a lot of money for to get rid of this thing. With both a long hair leveler and foil shaver blades, no matter what look you want, the handyman is here to help. That's right. If you're short on time, the five-minute quick charge feature is a lifesaver. Equipped with Manscaped SkinSafe technology to help reduce nicks and cuts, you'll feel confident going for that close shave even right before a big event. Does this shaver work on your balls? I don't know. Only one way to find out. And that is by getting 20% off in free shipping with the code SKA at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping

at manscaped.com using code SKA. Hit the refresh button with the handyman. Ooh, once you shave, you should say in the mirror, handyman, handyman, handyman, like candyman, and see what happens. What if you say handyman, handyman, handyman in the mirror, and I appear with a tool belt on and nothing else? Only one way to find out. Yeah, there's a good chance he might.

He could dead weight you He might see this too Peter if you're watching we're just joking We're kidding Don't be a woke We're just joking about him Actually I heard he's a big ass dude He's just climbing the city bike like it's a fucking

car like he's James Bond just trying to get back up here and just sit back down there. Get back in the basket. Alright, I'm gonna work on some new jokes tonight. Alright, you guys just want to see Peter Dinklage, I guess. You guys just want me to pull Peter Dinklage out of my

backpack. Yeah, I think I would be a dick too if this is every time my career came up. People were like, it's in a little basket. You forget to poke air holes in the box. It's just his fucking corpse because you forgot to poke air holes in the box. Oh, no. That was my closer. You'd have no other choice.

You'd have to go full Jeff. I thought I was going to see Peter. No, no, he's here. He's here. He's just having diarrhea right now. He said he's going to go Jeff Dunham. All right. No more Dinklage talk, dude.

That's not Peter Dinklage. He's not racist. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. You see him walking around? I do, yeah. With his big butt.

With his beautiful butt. They all have really big butts. Yeah, I catcall them. It's amazing. They have high, beautiful asses. It's like them and autistic kids. It's crazy. True.

I'm like, damn, daddy. You got a fat ass. He He's like I want an Emmy A little dumper Wadling keeping them upright I'm sure he's a nice guy He just doesn't He doesn't look approachable Yeah you wouldn't either

You ever had your shit pushed in No cause Ethan Hawke thinks it's really funny Pushed in? No, because Ethan Hawke thinks it's really funny when I ask him if he ever had his shit pushed in. How does he react, by the way? Is he just kind of like, Ethan Hawke, is he like, what the fuck? I've never talked to him, but I heard he's like, nice. Oh, I thought you'd say that to him. No, no, no, I want to.

You have to. Yeah. You should. You have to. Yeah. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I thought you were filming yourself yelling that at him.

He can't breathe. I'll put it on the. I'll do it on the Patreon. Yeah. Just shit pushed in. Is it that he said he looks. He looks like I see him walking around and he doesn't look very approachable.

Other than that, nice guy. I think we can end this episode early. We had the slippery slope line and the Peter Dinklage. Oh my God. The killing Peter Dinklage. Oh, my God. The killing Peter Dinklage riff. I think we're going to clock out early today, guys.

See you next time on B&E. Who's got plugs? You know what I'm saying? He forgot the vocals in the bus. You're like, oh, no. That was really close. I didn't even worry about the man. Just worried because he had a scramble for it.

I'm too close. He's like, yeah. His tickets were $35, buddy. I thought I was going to see Dinklage. My kid wants to see Dinklage. He wants to see your Dinklage. Daddy, what happened to him? No, no, no, he's alive.

Oh, my God. Just the anxiety you would get on stage realizing he's dead. Oh, fuck, dude. I did all my jokes. What if the box is moving like 35 minutes into the set? You know what a Christmas story when Aunt Bethany wraps up the cat

and he's moving around the box. That's one way to kill that riff. I didn't see that one. I'm not a big fan of Christmas Story. There also is a movie where Dinklage is in a coffin and escapes. He's on acid. And he falls into a coffin and then comes out. So this is his movie career.

Yeah, that's like his biggest movie. Genius script writer. Are you going to snatch him? That was a movie. Way better than Game of Thrones where they're like, let's make this guy a king. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, Peter Dinklage,

if you want to do the pod, anytime. Yeah, come on. Tap twice on Mike's box. He probably has been tried. People have tried to steal him before, I bet. I bet. I'm sure, yeah. People have been just like doing,

be like, one, two, three, wee. Yeah, imagine hiring a security team and you're like, all right, so I just need you to protect me and my family. And also people try to pick me up. And you have like an actor, you have like that actor voice. Yeah, yeah. and also people try to pick me up. Yeah. You have like an actor, you have like that actor voice. Yeah, yeah.

You have like the Juilliard voice. Yeah. From time to time. Yeah, so every once in a while. People have been known to corner me and put me in a bag. Please be on bag. They try to pick me up like a teddy bear. With his big sunglasses.

People, people like to give me uppies. And I don't like it. Come on, dude it Come on dude Oh my god How about picking your kid up from school on his birthday And you're holding Peter Dinklage in your arm Like it's a teddy bear You're like I brought you something

Stop man I'm sweating Is that yeah He lives in New York though It's funny yeah he's funny He's got it I've seen him so many times He's basically asking for it He's crazy He's gonna be that close to me

He is the size of your kid Yeah He's a little bigger than my kid How tall is he? He's probably little bigger than my kid How tall is he? He's probably like this tall Inklidge? Legal is 3'7", legal midge Anything above 3'7", I think you lose

Oh really? Legal midge status, yeah I googled that one time I thought he was like this tall If you're 4'8", legal midge, I think it's 3'7 Yeah Anything, I think it goes into a separate, yeah A girl in the audience the other day was like

I was like, are you a midget? And she was like, well, technically. And I was like, OK, so you're a midget. What are you doing? What is this? There's a legal line. You're under it. You're a midget.

Technically. I'm like, what? Because you're not famous for it. True. You know, that's weird. It's some bullshit. Red tape. It sucks to see somebody.

It's 410. 410. I was way wrong. Whoa. You were off by a whole foot almost. Yeah. 3-7 is real tiny, though. 3'7 is...

That might have been just like the ride-the-ride one. I got my metrics confused. I got hired at Music Park. I'm confused. 4'10", they might have upped it, too. They might have... Oh, you can never... I think my aunt Tiny was a midget.

All this hormones in the milk, the midgets are fucking... Yeah. Dude, my aunt, we called her Tiny. Her name is Carmella, but we called her Aunt Tiny because she was so little. That's a real creative nickname. Small, Mike. Hey, small.

They called me Tiny in gym class because I was very fat as a child. They called me Teeny Cosentini. My other last name is Cosentini. Oh, that's cute. Excuse me. We said no cigs in Teeny. Oh, that's cute. Excuse me. We said no cigs in the basement. I thought we said one. No,

just that one episode. Well, it's already lit. Oh my god. I'll take one too. They both have children. Yeah. No, only one at a time. One at a time. One at a time. But I don't, yeah, I'm fine. Come on, you can throw things to me. You can put, I'll share the little ventilator we have.

I'm sorry, I needed one after that. That was, I mean, that was like sex. It was like sex. Right? Yeah. It was intense. It was intense. Yeah, pretty intense there

We started with E.T. We ended up with the man in the box He got out with smoke Alright put yours out So he can have his Yeah so what else The new Snow White movie They're not putting

They're not gonna have dwarves in it Really? Yeah It's like the seven like Black guys? Weird people Snow White and the seven black guys I think it might be Snow White and the seven black guys. I think it might be.

Snow White and the seven black guys. It probably is going to be that way. That's just a black brawl video. Wait, what? They're helpers now. They're not doing dwarves? Yeah. But dwarves exist.

Yeah, I know. I think porn where a white guy is fucking a black woman should be called redacted. Why? Why redacted? Because your dick is getting blacked out. You know his wife's black ass. Call called redacted. Why? Why redacted? Because your dick is getting blacked out. You know his wife's call it redacted. I want you to think of that.

What are you talking about? He's married to something else. It's like a black bar. Yeah. I can see that. Pretty good. Blacked and then redacted. If you want to specifically looked up white dude fucking black woman redacted. Now talk about a specifically looked up white dude fucking black woman, redacted. And I'll talk about taking Peter Dinklage all day, but this is all.

This is unacceptable. Listen, I'll kill a midget in a box. Don't get me wrong. I'll kill that guy. Yeah, they should call it something, but it's a. Blacked is a little harsh. It doesn't get the. Yeah, blacked is pretty harsh.

Yeah, blacked is crazy. Yeah, black is pretty harsh. Yeah, black is crazy. Yeah, black is harsh. But the white guy, black lady porn is kind of weird too. It's not as mainstream as black guy, white girl. Not at all. I mean, yeah, it's not charged, obviously, with the same depth. Literally. Yeah, true.

True. Yeah, it's a niche Niche whatever the fuck Is it there? You watch that? I used to And then I just started living it dude Me too with the stepbrother I'm gonna do it I was 11 I was like this looks good

I wasn't 11 Oh god Let me have a cigarette Yeah it's I was like this looks good I wasn't 11 Oh god Let me have a cigarette Yeah it's It is fun though It's fun it's cool it's a weird it is a weird genre From what I remember it's very just kind of like that's not

Not like that What interracial porn? Yeah it was like especially when they get like very like race talk Yeah no it's not that Oh yeah they don't do it with the black guys. They're not like, oh, yeah, they do say that. I think that might happen. But no one's like, you're white.

You've never heard that. I love your white dick. Yeah, I want that little white dick. My wife says it. She has to. She's forced by gunpoint. Can you tell me I'm white, baby? Say you like my little white dick Say it

Yeah it's in our prenup You guys aren't gonna have another kid right Yeah I want to Wow How many kids do you have Just one Okay But yeah you wanna

Yeah You two Oh you two How's the jump from one to two Doesn't matter No okay Doesn't matter Zero difference.

Two girls? Yeah. Yeah, but you're three and one, right? Yeah. I think it does matter if it's more of an age difference, right? Or would that be better? You get more help. Because then the kid can be a helper.

Yeah, you get more help. It's easy. It's even easier. You should wait a while. Do you have a baby? Yeah. One-year-old. One-year-old.

Wait like five years. But you have your daughters three. Yeah, I have two daughters. A one-year-old daughter and a three-year-old daughter. Right, but a daughter, she's able to be like, this is my baby. She does, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

She does that all the time. You have a boy? Yeah. Nice. He's a cutest. But he's a mama's boy, so I don't know how he's going to handle another. No, I think he would be a...

I don't know how he's going to handle a half-midget baby after Peter Dinklage fucks my wife. Dude. My plan backfired. He got out of the box. He got out of the box and then he just destroys my life. He just does the most diabolical

revenge. I bet he's stolen some wives. How's he look? He looks older than when he was on TV. Distinguished. So you're going to have another kid. Yeah, I want to.

When? I don't know. I've been really nutting inside my wife a lot, but no luck. It's weird. You've got to lay off the cigs. She probably knows how you're living and that it's beyond your means

and is taking birth control. No, I think she wants a baby. Horrifying glitch in the female psyche, dude. Michael Seen just said, I need $250. That's the stuff you're never supposed to tell us at all, dude. That's like... Jordan, everybody needs $250. I'm having a chain reaction in my mind right now.

Like, who the fuck? Holy shit. Raise your hand if you don't want $250. Jesus ass burgers. What the fuck was that? I'm not even doing that bad, actually. You're not? No.

Jesus Christ. I have a Patreon. You want to fly off a bridge with a midget. It's just not new kid time. It's totally new kid time. You can have a second kid and fly off a bridge with a midget. It's just not new kid time. It's totally new kid time. You can have a second kid and fly off a bridge with a midget. It's not in the rule book. You can't do that.

You're an old family. Yeah. Anything's possible. It's not a competition. What? I just want a puff. What? It's not a competition.

It's so good. Did you just chain smoke his cigarette? Santa competition is so good. Did you just chain smoke his cigarette? He wasn't using it. Yeah, no, you definitely, it's easy. You haven't too. Yeah. It's just weird.

I've had a couple, you know, I've had a couple lately where I'm like, oh, you're definitely pregnant after that. You know? Really? She's not. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I guess my sperm is just garbage.

Are you doing the timing of it? Like the flow charts? Kind of, yeah. There's a science behind it. There's an app on the phone now. Yeah, when you're ovulating and the moon and the this and the temperature. Yeah, that plays into it.

No, it doesn't. Women can sync their periods up to the moon. But see, I didn't know that sometimes- You can sync it up to anything that's a measurement of time. Yeah, sync it up to my alarm clock. Like what? But is the moon out sometimes during the period? That's the question.

Yeah. The moon is out every night. All right, you got a point. That's fine. You know what is cool is that the moon controls waves. Sometimes the cum can spill out did you know that It can like spill out of the vagina It doesn't just go in there

It can spill out After you cum inside your wife That's why you keep it in Until she stops her vagina Hanging her upside down You gotta stop trying You just gotta be like whatever I won't talk about it. No, you got to stop trying. You just got to be like, whatever.

I don't even care. Then God knows. Don't even be like, don't make eye contact with her. Be like, I don't even care about what I'm doing. I hate this. Actually,

I'm having a bad time. Yeah. You suck. Oh, should I game? Yeah. Have you ever, have you ever been on the,

the IED? Yeah. Whoops. The IUD. IED, the, those things that explode. Hey, mine had to blow up a lot of Iraqi soldiers. You know what I mean? What was your question about the IUD?

Have you ever had it? The IUD? Yeah, but I tripped on mushrooms and I had to get it taken out. Has that anything? I fucked ISIS. Jordan fucking ISIS? Oh, yeah. That's why they call me Jordan.

If I fuck Jordan, I want someone to cut my head off, too. It looks like an ISIS beheading video, but it's just Jordan having a good time. My name is Ashley. They call me Jordan because I fucked the whole country of Jordan. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy. Wait, so why did you have to... I missed why you had to take it out. You're just whispering. You can't whisper on the pod, dude. I whispered. I mean, I whispered on it out. You're just whispering. You can't whisper on the pod. I whispered. I mean, I whispered on the pod. I realized it wasn't good.

I looked through the whisper and I died. You should have said, that's why they call me Transylvania. But he just goes, that's why they call me Chad. One man's name. Oh, man. You could have said, that's why they call me Texas. that's why they call me Texas. That's why they call me anything. Florida.

That's why they call me Brian. So, wait, why did you take your IUD out? IUD? Because I tripped on mushrooms and I was like, there's a toy in there. You take it out of me. Yeah. You just pulled it out. Oh, no.

I couldn't even reach it. That's how far up it goes. Yeah. And then I went in there and I was like you gotta take this thing out It's freaking me out It's just a little foreign entity They're the best form of birth control But I was having sex and my penis was hitting it

And it hurt You just set that whole thing up basically I need my dick hit one way up inside of me I'm glad you answered You know when your dick reaches the IUD fellas You ever have a long dick the IUD, fellas? You ever have a long dick? Yeah, we fucking bitch. IED,

we go, hello. Why do I keep saying IED? It's I-U-Z. It's blown up pussy. You penis have a B, IED. ED. ED. ED. No.

Because you fucked between 9 and 11 women this month. That's why you keep saying IED. I don't know. Women is crazy. That would be amazing. I wish.'t oh my god i got attacked what in pittsburgh because of all of this trans stuff i say about you well both of these things are news to me so what do you say about i was on stage and a guy was there with his trans date and i said i was kind of just like talking about porn i was like you know what's weird is you guys watch like a lot of guys come like as you're watching porn i was like for

sure you've seen more the best part but yeah go ahead yeah i fast forward to it hey at least somebody at least somebody's coming around here and i was like you've seen more men come than i have it's like kind of gay and this one guy was like so what and seen more men come than I have. It's like kind of gay. And this one guy was like, so what? And he had this like trans girl with him. Was she like, could you clock her? Was she basically trans? Yes. And I, yes.

And I was like, dude, you don't have to be so. And he was like, fuck you. And I was like, Jesus Christ. All because you said porn was gay. Yeah. There's nothing else you said. And I was like, no. And I was like, what's going on? And he was

like, you always talk shit about trans people. And I was like, I haven't tonight, but now I will. Thank you for the segue. So he must watch the podcast. I know. And I was like, it sounds like you're a fan. Thank you so much for the support. And he's like, yelling at me. And he's like, you fucking bitch.

And finally they pull him out and they're all fighting in the other room while I'm still on stage. And the trans woman is like, I love you, by the way. And then I go into all the trans jokes, which are not anti-trans. They're just anti-trans. Anti-me. Anti-Ian, yeah. And then I hear a woman being like, I'm recording this.

And I guess there was a big fist fight. Big brouhaha. Yeah. Cops got called And the paramedics got called the night before Because I was talking about How I always want to do weird things When I get high Like bite my tongue off And a girl just fainted

Oh no Jesus dude Pittsburgh was a fucking wild time It was awful It was so awful Really? It was a dark place Very dark

So Is everything okay with the guy? Are you okay? That must have been jarring. I was quite... What did you make for that weekend? Like, at least $600, right? I made three grand because they gave me the guarantee. No, that's awful for five shows. Crazy.

Yeah, it's not good. Even though it was like... Yeah, that's dog shit. So bad. Three Gs, though. Fuck that. Three Gs, alright. If I found three Gs on the street, I'd probably set it on fire. I'd be like, this is not any money. It was not enough. I definitely wouldn't buy groceries with this.

You know, say the thing you said to me the other day. What did I say? About 3G's. Oh, you were talking about shoplifting. You said what I said. I don't know. I forget how I set it up, but I fucking... Ian was on one

about how with those cities, there's too much crime. And I go, some people just need to shoplift groceries to feed their wife, Debra. Yeah, yeah. He's like, some of them are wild teens and then some of them are Italian men that just steal groceries.

Just a wife, Debra. Who need to steal steal groceries i'm glad you're stealing the groceries it feels thanks yeah food tastes better uh i don't know i don't know if it does because i because i know i know which food in my house is stolen and which i paid for and i feel like i'm worried there's like bad karma with the food that I stole. Oh, yeah. I worry about that, too. Because I steal like protein powder because it's so expensive. So I'm like, is this making my muscles bigger?

Maybe it's not. Maybe it's curling. Maybe it's curling. I have the same thought. It's atrophy. It's making my tits bigger. It's God intervening me like, you don't need to do this. It's making Deborah Barron.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I can't have children because I'm shoplifting salmon. It's all that stolen salmon that I'm eating every week. Sometimes I feel that way. I'll have a bad set. I'm like, that's because I went to. Yeah, it's the Jordan Jensen method. It's the best way to. It's the Jordan Jensen method. It's the best way to.

It's the best way. Yeah. What's the procedure? Should we do it? Should we say on the Patreon? Yeah, you fill up the bag. The tote bag. You grab something like this.

And then you pay for this. And then you walk out. See, I grab a few things. I like act like I'm all flustered. I grab like expensive butter and milk. And I go. Oh, my hands are full., I just had my hands full. So much dairy in my hands.

I'm going to shit myself. Oh, thank you so much, sir. That's a good way to do it. That's a very good way to do it. Yeah. Nobody will stop. There's turned into a feminine woman. There's old dairy lover Mike again. Always paying for dairy. Always juggling

butter before he gets up here. Oh my God. That's the most honest man I've ever seen. It makes me shit my pants but I can't stop. Put some napkins in there too Wow what a stand up guy The security guard is saluting me

Yeah that's a good move Just buy like baby formula or something As a man and people are like The door for you Yeah right that's a good idea Organic tampons I used to go to Target And take a I was telling Ian before this I would take a tag off of like a cheap Right, that's a good idea, yeah. Organic tampons. Yeah. I used to go to Target and take a, I was telling Ian before this,

I would take a tag off of like a cheap pair of shorts, I'd rip it off and keep it with me, then I'd get like a big $200 sheet set and I would just buy like water and a couple other things. Then when I would pick up the sheet set to scan it, I would have that little tag for the cheap shorts, like 20 bucks. Yeah, yeah.

Target's risky though, right? Target's pretty chill. Any self-checkout is like... They do have cops there though, like actual cops. I've gotten pulled aside at Wegmans and Target Old Navy Gap and liquor stores.

But everywhere else, you're fine. Walmart got me. They made me go back and then just like Look at my receipt and I was like I missed that too I was like what They don't train you to use these I had no idea how these things work

They don't train you to use these Usually you walk by at Walmart and like the person at the door's Eyes are just like dead You're able to just be like Just walk right by him. This lady just was like, what is that? Go back. I was like, fuck.

Damn. Oh, wow. She looked at the receipt. Yeah. Sometimes at Home Depot. My receipt was like that big. I had a shopping cart full of stuff. And she was like, no, dude.

Yeah. Now Whole Foods has a no stop policy. You literally they won't stop you because it deters rich people. So they because it's Bezos. They don't want to crank it out. Yeah. Yeah. Right it's Bezos. They don't want it. It's crazy. It would be a bad look if they were arresting me and beating the shit out of me in front of my kid

to the shoppers there. I do wonder how they keep homeless people. I mean, it's so easy. They don't. They just allow it. No, I've looked around. There's nobody. There's not a lot. I don't see them in Whole Foods a lot. That Whole Foods bar just doing a lap while eating

has kept me alive my, like, first three years of comedy. I did that. Just between spots. Just doing a circle, throwing it away, leaving. Thank you. Whole Foods bars. What, you eat while you're shopping? Yeah.

It's bad. It's not good. Or you go to self-checkout and you just hold your thing and, like, take a lot of the weight off of the scale yourself. Oh, okay. Or I would wring it out. I'd wring everything out and then they'd be like what about that hot bar? And I'd be like I already got it.

I already paid for it. Because it'd look all mangled from me eating it while I was walking anyway. They're like we believe you. You brought that from home. Whole Foods is pure honor code. I stopped. I was like I can't steal. I felt so bad. I felt weird because I was like what if something sees me? At Trader Joe's it feels bad too. Yeah.

Trader Joe's is so easy. Everyone's so nice there yeah everyone's so nice yeah but everyone's so around the train shows you can be like i was thinking about that all these places union bus though so it's because i went to the i went to uh the mall yeah uh at my by my mom's house recently and i went to the van store and everybody was like what's up dude how are you oh those went to the van store and everybody was like, what's up, dude? How are you? Oh, those are cool tats. Oh, and I'm like, okay, pretty nice.

And someone else was like, well, they're pretty neat. They were pretty nice. And when I checked out, they go, did anyone help you particularly well today? And I go, oh, she did. They go, okay. And they wrote it down. And then I realized they get markings for who's the most helpful. So they're not being nice. Oh, they're competing. To then I realized they get markings for who's the most helpful.

So they're not being nice. Oh, they're competing. To be nice. They're doing it to get the extra credit on the sale. Good enough. No. Be nice to me to be nice to me. Genuinely. Like the black woman I walked by, she went, okay, stylish.

And I went, ah. I like sat down like an asshole. That was a genuine compliment. I sat down like an asshole at like the bar at a restaurant without checking with the server. I was just like, let's sit down. And the girl came up to me and she was like, actually, you can't. And she like stopped like this and she was like, sorry, and ran away. And I was like, what was that?

And she came back and she was like, I know who you are and I'm a big fan and it's totally fine if you sit here. And I was like, oh, yeah, I if people know if people like me, I don't want to be the person who's like, I'm stealing this. And they're like, you can't. Okay, go ahead. I'm I,

you've helped me get through bipolar disorder. And I'm like, you know, yeah. Getting caught stealing. That's from somebody who likes you. That's not what you want. Yeah.

And that's the goal is that people like you. It's like a pound of filet. And you're like, I could have paid for that. Totally. Just ruining the fucking aura of what it is. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty shameful.

It would be very shameful to get caught. Yeah. I apologized to a guy for cutting line at the airport the other day. Ooh. Like, I was first class, and I got in after everybody was already lined up, and I just cut it. Well, you're allowed to. Yeah.

I fly first class, too. Your priority. I just get bumped up. Yeah. Those upgrades kick ass. You have to be loyal. Yeah. I fly first class too. Your priority. I just get bumped up. Those upgrades kick ass. You have to be loyal. You're coming with me now. You fully cut people off. If you're flying priority, you go excuse me, please back the fuck up. I don't know

why the fuck you're standing here. Dream on. This is for me and four soldiers. Salute this dick, pussy. I'm going on first. Oh, my God. Yeah, I went through and this guy was like, it's private.

It's not. He was like, that's first. It's not private. And then he ended up sitting, getting seated next to me. And as soon as he sat down, I had obsessed about it so much that I was an asshole that he came in

and he was like, looks like I'm sitting with you. And I was like, hey, by the way, I'm so sorry, man. You're right. I never should have. And he was like, oh, fuck. And then sat next to me. And the whole time I was like, looks like I'm sitting with you. And I was like, Hey, by the way, I'm so sorry, man, you're right. I never should have. And he was like, Oh fuck. And then sat next to me. And the whole time I was like, I had a thing at the Philly comedy fest, the, uh, the guy at the door, I had

a seltzer and he goes, Hey, you're not allowed in with that. I go, Oh, it's a seltzer. And he goes, is it? And I go, yeah, it's a seltzer dude. See, it's a seltzer. He goes, well still. And I go, yeah, but still it's a fucking seltzer. He gave me a look and he went inside and then I was talking in my head. I'm like, man, I was a fucking asshole. I shouldn't have given him that attitude. Yeah, but they can't treat the talent that way. Yeah, but, oh, stop.

Were you performing? Yes. Oh, it wasn't a... Where was it? Sorry. It's Knives Out with everyone today. Jesus. You can't afford a family. You're not? It's Knives Out with everyone today. Jesus. I thought it was. You can't afford a family. You're not talent. I mean, you're a black boy.

It's gross. You're bad. It's like, holy shit, lady. Yeah. Turn it off. Guys, let's direct it at acclaimed little person actors, okay? Yeah. That's where we should be.

It was a hard question. Why wouldn't you be able a break-and-run? It's the Philly Comedy Festival. Oh, that's crazy. What do you think? I'm going just to fucking watch? Did you have a lanyard? Dumb bitch.

I had a lanyard. That's what I was thinking. Yeah, you probably had a lanyard. Yeah. Anyway. It's weird. I felt bad that I gave him attitude. Oh, we're at the network.

Attitude. And I went up to him and I go, hey, man, I was wrong. And that wasn't okay for me to give you attitude. I know you're doing your job and I'm sober. I don't drink anyway. He's probably a volunteer. And he goes, you know what, man? I'm 10 years sober and I totally get it. It's all good. And we hugged

each other and talked about sobriety together. Yes. He was still a dick. I was being a dick. I don't like the attitudes of those guys. I was there too and they're all like it was like locals at the beach shit like fuck out of the way

yeah I was picking up on that I didn't know I forgot it was a bar I brought a bottle of wine in there I was oh really

my bad yeah no I mean I was just in and out with seltzers all day and he's like I'm like it's clearly a fucking seltzer

they had a fucking chip on their shoulder yeah I know but I always feel bad when I pop off to someone and it's like not warranted, you know? True.

And so I try to like right that wrong. True. I went to this like buffet today and I was grabbing some pickles with the tongs and I dropped the tongs on the floor

and I was like, oh shit. It was this big crowded like supermarket in Brighton Beach. And then I, so the tongs fall on the ground, right?

Why were you down there? Why were you? I went to the beach. Why were you at a buffet before three? It was a lunch buffet. This was today? Yeah, I took my family to the beach today. So we went to this little supermarket.

I took my family to the beach. The beach is free. You dropped the tongs. I dropped the tongs. So I was like, oh shit, what am I going to do? So I just kind of kicked them out of the way. Because I'm like, I can't put them back. No, because that's what I was like, that's the best decision I can make in this moment.

It's buffet protocol. Right, right. I just kicked them as far away. Because I don't want to put them back on the thing that somebody used them. So I just kicked them towards the buffet. And then a guy saw me and he said something. And I'm just like, he said something like, something and I'm just like he said something like something in the ground

like he was pissed and then he went and picked him up I go sorry but it's like literally what else was I supposed to do you did the right thing I did the right thing the idea of looking at you and just catching you it's like a gun literally

but now this little Mexican guy is probably still thinking about me, how much he fucking hates me. Because I'm just dropping, throwing tongs on the floor and kicking them. Like the biggest piece of shit. Like, I don't like having people hate me. I can't deal with it. Totally. Especially like. Oh, my God.

You know. All right, let's wrap up. Let's wrap up. Oh, my God. That is so funny. Right now he's like, I saw these meetings. Why are you kicking it? He's taking the train back to Queens tonight.

Just thinking about me getting really mad. I hope his wife can't get pregnant no more. Oh, Matt. Well, she probably can. She can. I know she can. She will. She will.

I'm trying to use Ian's sperm or something. Woo! Sneak Ian's cum into my wife's vagina. Could you imagine? Like it's the movie theater. Congrats. It's just the ultrasound looks like Ian Okay

Alright Matt Your new special is out It's so good It's on YouTube Thank you It's on YouTube And The intro is great

The intro is fantastic It's my favorite intro And I watch it with my kid And my kid keeps going Again Again Dude So we like rewound it a bunch of times And just watched is great. The intro is fantastic. And I watch it with my kid and my kid keeps going, again, again. So we had like rewound it a bunch of times and just watched the guy

rollerblade. I swear to God. Go to mattmccusker.com slash dates for stand up. Yes. Hell yeah. Racine, what's up? My Venmo is michael-racine-2 if you want to send me some money.

No, I'll be in Sidesplitters. You couldn't even get Michael Racine. You just got Mike Racine-2. Yeah. Well, there is a Mike Racine, Mike-Racine on Venmo, and his profile picture is meatballs, and people just send him money all the time. Oh, my God. It's me.

It's so annoying. Anyway, I'll be at Sidesplitters. Soon. I'll be at Sidesplitters in Tampa on September 14th and I'll be at Zany's in Nashville on October 1st I'm excited about that one please go get tickets just google it

check out Out for Smokes the podcast patreon.com slash out for smokes very fun great pod love it big fans Jordan I'm in town for the next two weekends and then i have grand rapids and what did i ask you to do um levity live levity live

come to levity live me and racine will be there be sick yes hello co-headlining co-headlining of course he's headlining i'm just hanging out. IanFightance.com. September 22nd, 23rd. I'm in Springfield, Massachusetts. Roar Comedy Club. And then we are going to be at 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah. We're going to live pod and headlining that little theater there.

Yeah, come. Why the fuck not? Be a blast. Yo, you want to come to the woods next week? Yeah. We'll talk. Yes. Okay. Also, I'm filming a Don't Tell, October 6th, New York City.

And I have a bunch of other stuff coming up. I'm very excited. Baltimore, Port Comedy Comedy Club, the 20th to the 21st. That's plenty. iAnimal69, Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram Thank you We love you so much Thank you for tuning in

You guys are the best Have a good one Bye bye It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore.