Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 061 : Flibber Flabbin’ W/ Graham Kay

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan.

With Jordan. Socks in the World on right now. They're Dick's Sporting Good Socks. What happened? You got acid reflux? No, my booger thing. Booger thing? I just have so much nose hair.

That when I breathe out of my nose, sometimes it tickles. It's making me feel faint. I had that yesterday. I kept trying to do one of my famous selfie videos. Oh. But I kept trying to do one of my famous selfie videos. Oh. But I kept having a nose tickle. It took me about 20 takes.

I got boogers that get stuck in my nose hairs. Hey, everybody. Welcome. Are we recording? Welcome back to another episode. Disgusting. Welcome back to another Barn Burner episode of B&E and Witches. Oh my god!

Jesus Murphy! That was a two for one! You got him over there, you got him over here. Look at that. I think that was the most masculine response we've ever had. You've said that every time to every person. Every person? Excuse me.

Luke Moniz crumpled into a small bag in the corner. DeRosa went, and you were like, that was masculine. That was not masculine. Yeah, I was not. That was like a huge gash. Mark Normans was pretty good where he goes,

that brought me back. That's how mentally ill he is. He can never turn it off. We turned Aaron Hurd from Jesus Beast into a Spanish person. He went, ay, ay, ay. Whoa. Every time I put glasses on,

he gets so aroused. What's going on with the end of your dick there? Got a handle. I have that disease where you turn into a tree. You know that guy Barkman? Oh yeah, Barkman from India. Oh man, everything's making me really faint today. Do we have a window open?

Can you turn that air purifier on? It's a heater. It's not a purifier, it's a heater. I told you to put the purifier down here, didn't I? But you know I'm going like that. Put some glasses on, put some on my ass. I'm going like that. Excuse me.

Did you bring the air purifier down here? No. So if you're bi, would it be nice to get pegged by a lady? Get everything you want in one little kit and caboodle. No, you want the real thing. You want to feel the flesh. Nice. And balls smacking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this. You want... Jesus. That's some heavy balls. I put these socks on to match Graham K, our guest today. What's the brand? Jerry Seinfeld.

Stance. Stance. Ray Stance socks. I have them there. You shouldance socks. I have them there. You should get them. I have them. Bring them. Okay. It won't be sock pals. Mine are wintry. Yours don't seem very wintry, do they? You mean woolly? Winter.

Woolly bully? They're that color. Woolly bully. Not woolly. Do you have different... Go for it. Is that a real thing? It's a stun gun. It's a real one? Come here. No, it's fake.

I don't know. Feel it. It doesn't do anything. I don't... It doesn't do anything. Feel it. I don't want to feel it. Yeah, see?

No, we have to... It's a stun gun that does nothing? It's a prop gun. Try it. It's a stun nun. Yeah. Here, I'll do... That was good.

That was good. It's a stun nun. So it's like if you're walking and then you go... It's a stun nun. Yeah. Here, I'll do it. That was good. That was good. It's a stun nun. So it's like if you're walking and then you go, do you want to scare a racist? It's a movie prop. I got it on a set. We have. So legit.

Sting yourself. Addiction. Which one would you like? You can go through any of them. You can touch any. Okay. Yeah. It doesn't hurt.

It's a fucking fake thing. Put it on your leg. How do you make it work? Yeah, see? No, no! See, it works. That's acting. It does work.

Because it's from a movie set. See? Get off of me, you Canadian fuck. Sit down! No, you do it to you first. It's a movie prop. But it works on other people. One of your many films that you were on. It doesn't work on yourself. You're a famous film actor. Okay, fine, do it to you first. It's a movie prop. But it works on other people. But you got it for one of your films. One of your many films that you were on.

But it doesn't work on yourself. You're a famous film actor. Okay, fine. Do it. Oh, see? It doesn't hurt. Oh, no. Only I knew how to make this work.

The cane works. The cane works. You can't trick old grandma, you son of a gun. Ow! What the heck? This pug is defaulting into bed. Son of a stun gun. I said defaulting.

You're son of a stun gun? Uh-oh, I gave him the power back. Please don't do it to me. I'm your friend. What am I? The enemy. A guest at best. What's the E for?

At best. That's new. Oh, is that a new tattoo? I guess it's about a year. What's it stand for? What? Ian. Do I have my mother's maiden name on this arm? Because she's the last one. Who's that? I'm going to put a year. What's it stand for? What? Ian. So I have my mother's maiden name on this arm because she's the last one.

Who the heck? I had a computer teacher named Mrs. Hauk. That's my mom. Hi, Mrs. Hauk. Anyway, and then my dad was like, well, I understand why you took the E out of your last name for comedy because it's like hard to pronounce or spell or whatever. Wait, wait. K?

Yeah. K-A-Y-E? My last name has always been K, but it's spelled K-E-A-Y. Right? Well, that's. Yeah. So my dad was like, well, you took your name, changed your last name, and then you have your mother's name on it,

you know, whatever. So then I just got the E there for him. That's cute. Yeah, it's pretty cute. I like that. Yeah. You should have gotten the E on the middle finger. I should have done that.

I got the E for you right here. I should have done that. I really want finger tats. Ozzy. Sharon. It won't fit. What if I got Sharon tattooed on my nose We're Ozzy and Sharon

Give me the stun gun or I'll smack you with this I'm charging it Promise? Hey, pinky swear on Gail That you won't Smack me with that, I'll stab you with this Graham, give me your fist Is that one of those props? From one of your famous films?

One of your many films you're in Don't zap me I won't zap you I would never zap you Welcome back Thanks for having me So you're a gay man A gay man

A gay man? Show your socks again Put them up silly gooses I'm one of those gay guys We're having gay jacks Oh yeah Take that Try that in a small town

Oh my cock is running up on my ballsack Oh, yeah. Take that. Try that in a small town. Oh, my cock is running up on my balls. Call the girl who ghosted you on the phone right now. Tell us about this ghosting story. If you need to find the ghost, there's a proton pack right there for you. That's a good idea. Yeah. I'll bring that to our next date.

And I'll be like, because you ghost you ghosted me yes that would be a funny icebreaker you'll just leave no the funniest part is you think there'll be another date that is the send a picture of the proton pack and say here this is for you because you ghosted me

yes that is a fun thing to do put the proton pack and say, here, this is for you because you ghosted me. Yes. That is a fun thing to do. Put the proton pack on. I'll take your picture. She'll recognize it because our podcast is very popular. I don't think she'll know what a proton pack is. Why? She's 12? She's had sex.

Is she a child? Because she's a child? Yes. What's her number? 10? Yeah. You know what I say. How old is she?

No grass on the field. Time to play. That's my old saying. My saying is, if there's a diaper, I'm going to wipe her. My problem is, I got the grass on my field removed, but they left a little tiny soul patch. That's nice. No. Why?

Because it looks like a jazz musician. Is it on the side? Oh, you didn't do it on the top. It wasn't on purpose. They missed a spot. Show us the goatee on the old cougar. They missed a spot? Is it on like side? Oh, you didn't do it on the top. It wasn't on purpose. Yes. Show us the goatee on the old cougar. They missed a spot? Is it on like the right side?

No, it's low. Like if this is the, it's. Show the glass. Right there. Show the glass. It's just on one side. No, it's in the middle. Whip out the flibbity flubbity.

It's on top? Where? Well, it's, if this, look at my vagina. It's right there. I'm looking. I don't see much. It's on top. Where? Well, it's this. Look at my vagina. It's right there. I'm looking. I don't see much. It's a square. It's a trapezoid. That's the way you would get it.

That's on purpose. Yeah. But I thought it would be bigger. Oh. It's tiny. Is your hair curly down there or is it straight? You have just a Hitler mustache above your cooter. Yeah.

Yeah. You got an upside down Hitler. When you look at him, you're like... A lot more than six million died in there. I'll tell you that much. That's good. No Jews, though. No Jews allowed.

A lot of little baby shoes in there. A lot of mentally handicapped, though. There's babies. They kept the shoes. They didn't incinerate the shoes. I've never had an abortion. Baron. Congrats! Thanks.

I had an ex when I was in college. Congrats! Thank you. My majority's favorite movie is The Princess Bride. You know what I mean? He looks like that. Why? Because his name is Enigma Montoya. How do you avenge your father's death?

What were you saying? When I was like 19, I had a girlfriend and she had a miscarriage. We were supposed to go out and she was like, I guess I had a miscarriage and she was like we were supposed to go out and she was like I guess I had a miscarriage today and I was like aw that sucks what are you doing tomorrow

like I didn't get it really? yeah what did you think it was? did you drop some groceries? I was like that's awesome like that we didn't have a kid oh you thought it was just a heavy flow yeah just like a heavy flow thing like what your body does. It's like this guy dropping in the toilet.

Kerplunk? I would never. Ah, call her up and apologize. Yeah, I should call her up for the first time in 20 years. Call the one who goes to you. Are you an AA? Why are you doing this? No.

Do it for the pod. I'm not a podcast. Call the girl who goes to you and go like this. This is what you're going to do. I'm going to be you. We need content. We're sad. We're sad. Another form of sickness. Do it for the podcast. I'm on a podcast. Call the girl who ghosted you and go like this. This is what you're going to do. I'm going to be you. We need content. We're sad. We're sad.

Another form of sickness. Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be you and you're going to be the girl that you ghosted. Ready? You. Okay. I'm doing it 12 steps. This is a real.

This is a real thing. This is really what you should do. This is hot. Oh, wait. Who are you? I'm you. Okay. Go into the other room So that

Because there's going to be feedback Graham I want your Hug please Yeah see I told you Go to the other room That's what I was trying to have happen

That's what you want But you don't have to put it on speaker You call her You want a feedback loop And a little man to go, stop, stop, stop. Yes. That's exactly what I wanted. That's what she needs.

That's what she needs. She needs this. Stop it. Yeah. Now. You give that to her. Oh, no. And I hang up.

He's loose. He's loose. I really think you should do the ghost buster thing. I'm like, Hey, I got this. So, uh, I could trap. No,

let's do an act out. You be the girl. Hey, my pussy's wet. My friend's calling. No. Okay. Hello,

girl here. Hi. Um, hello. I'm a girl. I could be talking to a million different men. Hello, girl here. Hi. Hello. I'm a girl. I could be talking to a million different men. Ian won't let me pick up the phone. I'm already.

But here, you pretend to be a girl, okay? And tell me if this would get you back. Okay, you're a girl who ghosted me. Ready? Go ahead. Okay, I'm calling you. Ring, ring. You pick up.

Hey. Hey, how's it going? This is hard. Fine. I'm just walking. Fine. how's it going? This is hard. Fine, just walking. Fine, what's up? She's good. Okay, here's my question. Do you think I'm a big, stupid, ugly man?

Or should we go out tomorrow? You're a psycho. This is insanity for you to expect someone to act this way when they got ghosted. Let me try again. Let me try again. Let me try because I'm the man. Go ahead. Ready? Ring ring. Hey. Hey, what's up? Oh,

just living the dream. You and me both. What are you up to? Oh, this is bad. This is bad. Oh, yeah. I just got some coffee. Speaking of coffee, I wanted to go out with you on a date. You never got back to me. I was just wondering if someone had died or you have a vowed excuse.

Oh, it's like it's just been very crazy this week. Like, you know, I like people are in town. Oh, you're the only one with problems you dumb bitch No I wanted to try That's what you do Call her back I want to try That's good

I like your strategy And then the failing Why is hey what's up bad It's better than Shut up my friend is on the phone Sorry up bad? It's better than shut up. My friend is on the phone. Sorry about that, Taylor. It's me, Graham. Oh, hey, Graham.

We went on a couple of dates and I noticed that you didn't call me back. And I talked to my mom about it. Talk to my therapist. And they say that I should confront you and I just want you to know that if no not physically unless you want that

I just want you to know that unless we go out again and I can give you the biz that I'll never be able to get hard again. And that's on you. Anyway, just wanted to see what's up. Tomorrow I'm busy, but maybe some other day. Yeah, she didn't go for it.

Let me try one more time. Maybe is a yes. Let me try again. Maybe is not no. Let me try again. Okay, ring. Ready? Ring.

Hello? Hey. What's your deal? I'm a... What's your deal? We went out three times. We had a good time. You had a good time.

I had a good time. What's going on? You're just ghosting my ass? I'm a 42-year-old man. I wear... I have a sad back. I got Vans on And stripy socks I can't take another hit

Who is this? Is this It's a man in your dreams Is this Graham Or crying out loud? Is this Graham? I Ow

Oh Oh I got shot In the ass Yes That's Oh It went through My entire body Ow Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, it went through my entire body. Ow. What the fuck just happened? Oh, I'm so sweaty. I don't know what happened. You became a little dwarf bouncing. And you wanted that to happen to me, your guest. That was worse than all the shocks we've done.

How did you bounce like that? You bounced and compacted. Okay. It went through. Feel my arm. Feel how sweaty I am. Taylor, he got shocked by a stun gun while you were on the phone. I got shocked that you would ghost a man as good as this. You did this to me.

Okay. Taylor, I will call you after the pod. Thank you so much for your help. I love you. Yeah. Are you okay? Don't touch it again. Don't look at him.

Don't look at him. He's vulnerable. He's not My head's harsh Be quiet What do we say when we get hurt? Be a big man Be a big strong man Big man

Life's hard Be harder God's hate Good job I'm better Dude that shook me to my core That was like I don't know how You turned into a puppet from the labyrinth Dude, that shook me to my core. That was like, I don't know how. You turned into a puppet from the labyrinth.

And now you're still being dead. Dude, it was like this. Like I could not pull my hand away. You should try it. Dude, try it. I don't want to. Try it. Plug this in.

Touch the prong. I worked for this. I was a bartender on Bleecker Street for this bar that doesn't exist anymore. And the guy was shady. He was like an old Irish guy. And he was like stealing power from the city. So in the basement, he had it like the city line hooked up to his line. And he had to like readjust it or whatever.

And he's like, come here. And he goes, he gave me a two by whatever. And he's like, and he goes, he grabbed, he gave me a two by four and he goes, if I start flipping her, you just hit me with a two by four. And I was like, I like just moved to New York.

That's the thing. You have to stay like that. And you grabbed me. You'd have gotten shocked. Graham's the only one that knows what. I would have grabbed some of his fucking piece of wood. Not even a tree of wood. Can we please? Oh, God, Ian.

Oh, my God. That is the coolest man I have ever, he is all of New York City aimed at him, and he's like, kid, I've never met in my goddamn life. You're shuffling with this two-by-four if I start flipper flabbing. Dude, I am drenched in sweat. Feel this.

It is. That's the coolest guy. Feel this. Look at this sweat gong. I see it. He died of alcoholism. It really went through. Did he?

Oh, yeah. Really? He died at the bar. What was his name? I'll get it tattooed on my knuckles. Jason Kenny. Kenny's Castaways. Okay, because there was a guy that died in a bar that was like that,

but we called him Sidewalk Sam. Might have been the same guy. Because he slept on the sidewalk. Yeah. Whoa! Okay. So what did we learn? There was a guy named Joe Budweiser who went there all the time.

Nuh-uh. Yeah, he lived upstairs or across the street on Bleecker Street for $80 a month, and he just drank Budweiser's all day. In another time. That would have been my life. Yeah for $80 a month. And he just drank Bud, like Budweiser's all day. And another time that would have been my life. Yeah. 80 bucks a month. When'd you move here? 1936.

What are you talking about? 1962 or something. Yeah. When did you, didn't you live here? You left, you came back. Uh,

interesting. You live here and then you left. Yeah. I lived here from 2006, 2011 and I had to leave because I punched a cop. Really? Yes. Nice.

We condone that sort of thing here. What do you do to deserve it? Well, so I was... I'm just being me. I'm just being me. Hey, come on. Listen, it's okay that you got into a tiny little ball of fear a minute ago. I'm still sweating. It's crazy.

You got to feel it. I don't want to. My finger is like. I have a weak heart. We will bring you back to life. Promise? Yeah. Got you.

Come on. Touch this. Make this go out. Now plug it into the... I don't know why this does it, but plug it into that and then touch the two prongs at once. You do it again and then I'll do it.

No, we got the smacking game. So if you go flippity flap, you won't get hurt. Why did you punch a cup? Well, I was leaving a bar at like 3 in the morning with a girl I was dating and her friend who's like a graffiti artist and then she did like I tagged an outdoor ATM and then I made fun of her for tagging

I was like we're almost 30 this is 30 years ago and then I tagged I was I want to see my 30. This is 30 years ago. And then I tagged. I was, I want to see my tag from ninth grade. And then two unmarked cars pulled up on the sidewalk and guys got out wearing sweaters. What did you get for mocking someone's art? Huh? I guess.

Yeah. Well, she got beat up too. Oh, whoa. So we. Oh, it was an old fashioned street brawl. They jumped us from behind and like. You didn't know they were cops. No, they didn't announce themselves.

And so you fought back. Yeah. Yes. And then I was in jail for four days and I had Four days for a sharpie? And I'm Canadian. Well for hitting a police officer. And I'm Canadian so I. Would you get arrested on a Friday? Yeah. How'd you hit? I elbowed him. Well I didn't

I was like this and you know those grates that go over closed bodegas? They like slammed me against that and I just went like that. Because you didn't know if it was a cop. And you know those grates that go over closed bodegas? They like slam me against that. And I just went like that. Because you didn't know if it was a cop. Yeah. So did you have a case? Because they didn't.

That's why I'm not in jail right now. And that's why I got a green. I was able to get a green card five years later. Or four years later. Because it was their fault. Yeah. Wow. I would have been.

I would have had to like pay. Gotten someone to pay my whatever it is when you get out of jail. And then I would have had to, like, pay, gotten someone to pay my whatever it is when you get out of jail. And then I would have had to flee the country. And I could never go back to America. Because I would have to, I don't know, go to jail for hitting a police officer or something. Wow. So I got expunged. But I still, even though I was able to get, I almost didn't get a green card.

Because that, even though I was expunged, it came up. And I had to go to Montreal and tell a lady the story. Because they were going to reject my green card because that even though it was expunged it came up and i had to go to montreal and tell a lady the story because they were going to reject my green card and then i would have lost fifteen thousand dollars for all the legal fees that i paid a lawyer to get the green card and three years of my life building a case in canada to get the green card and then i uh would have to move to england and start over again so luckily the lady just like believed me that it was luckily the lady was was like a black lady. And she was like, oh, yeah, cops will do that. But you had the other two as witnesses as well.

Yeah. Well, what happened was is they there was a there was a close. There was a a camera across the street that like caught it. And it just showed them like beating us up. What are you thinking about? I'm just thinking about how you guys are having fun and I'm just tinkering and I just fucking got my balls blown off. Yeah, it was awesome. It was just complete chaos.

We're talking to some lady who called you to say, how's it going? And now she has to talk to three idiots. And then you're getting electrocuted. It is like awesome. She is a salmon fisher woman. I think you met her. Oh yeah? A little guitar solo for the story. That's nice. Speaking of fishermen,

I have a little fishing rod. Put it down. I have a little fishing rod with a cat toy on it. I'm talking about your penis. You went like this. Speaking of fishing rods, I have a little fishing rod. No, but I take it and I swing it for Samson

and he goes, bang. One time you were on the phone and I went like this and touched your job and you went like this. I touched your job and you went, oh no. Like while you were talking. I don't like my job. Nobody does.

It's a horrible thing to do to somebody. Job is only good when you're having sex with a man and his penis is on your belly and you rub it. You have an autistic brother. Let me ask you this. Does he like dwarf? Good segue. Asian porn? What?

My cousin's been watching dwarf Asian porn. And he has autism? My uncle cut him off because he said that's the first step to being a pedophile. been watching dwarf Asian porn. And he has autism? My uncle cut him off because he said that's the first step to being a pedophile. Dwarf Asian porn. Probably not a great step.

But you know, he was watching a lot of porn. I don't think my brother's ever seen porn. I hope he hasn't. What a pure mind. Yeah. Then you had OCD?

We should show him. Do you still have OCD? Yeah, he never leaves you. I have it. Yeah. Crippling. Yeah, I got sent to boot camp in high school because my parents thought I was on drugs. It was a fly.

You're quite sick. You're quite sick. I'm not well. What was the thing? Just have a little rest while we talk about the OCD, okay? Oh, it smells. Have a little rest. Oh, it smells.

It's speaking to me. Quiet. Oh, I can hear the ocean. It's like if Hitler's mustache wasn't allowed outside. It's very outside the musty bathroom. Your brother's mustache. What? Your? Your brother's autistic.

And that plays into you being arrested, correct? No. For four days. What? Oh, yes, it does. I love this story. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I didn't listen. Thanks for talking. No, no.

No, this is from a bit, which means it's nice when people listen. Anyway, when other comics listen. But anyway, he yeah, so they would let you, they ask you for a phone number when you get arrested in Brooklyn. They take away your phone

and then they ask you to tell them a phone number and it's like, you just took all the numbers. The only number I can remember is my parents' phone number in Canada. So they were like walking, my parents were like walking the dog or whatever and my brother picked up and they were like,

this is central booking in New York City. And my brother and I always pretend that we're Bert and Ernie from sesame street oh i do know this story and then they're like do you know this is central booking in new york city do you know graham k my brother goes no no oh my god i know a bert and then i was just in jail for four days. Oh, I got sent to jail and they go, you have my friend Brianna called and she goes, they're like, you have one call. And she goes, hey, you're in jail. And I was like, yeah. She goes, oh, that's bad. I'm sorry, because she didn't get arrested.

And I did. And she was like, well, I'm sorry. And then we hung up and I was like, I need a phone call. And they're like, that was your phone call. And I was like, fuck! It's awful. Just her being like, you're in there. You called the wrong one. I didn't call her. She called me. I got a phone call in jail. And that was my one phone call. That's not fair. I know.

What is this voice that she's doing? Is she an old prospect there? Oh, that's bad. I think it's this. There's gold in these Is she an old prospect there? That's bad There's gold in these hills, I gotta go It's the cane I got arrested last year My call was to a tell to go I got arrested at Newark airport, I'm not gonna make the gig

And I got arrested Another time and they go Hey, if you could call Audie Lang We'll let you go And I'm like, oh god God, don't be on air. Did you call him? Didn't have his number. So what did he get arrested for last year?

Breast knuckles at the airport. Yes, you heard right. Breast knuckles. I had breast knuckles. Some boobies on my hand. More than allowed on a plane Two metal boobs on my hand Two metal boobs on mine

We're beginning to lose oxygen down here That shock got me Yeah, you actually have a different personality Since you got shocked Yeah I'm different now. What was your OCD? What the hell was that?

I didn't like that. First time in my life I've ever made that noise. Don't let it out again. I fingered little cats. Samson? Little cats. Not the big ones. No big cats allowed.

Every time I like walk through a doorway or everything or like step over a crack or like would sit down or enter a room or sit down. I'd have to think of like Michael Jordan because I was like growing and I wanted to be big and strong like him. And I thought of like a killer I saw on the news or like a homeless person with like a scabby face or something that I saw earlier, I'd have to do, think of, right when I sat down, if I thought of that, I'd be like, that's tainted. And I was worried I was going to change into that.

So I have to sit down two more times. I think of my- Can I tell you something? And then shoot out the bad oar and go like, but like on an angle that wouldn't come back and get me. Mine was, I was worried that- Wait, wait, wait, no, no,

no. Before you go to you, let's just sit with this. No, I'm going to talk now. No, but mine was, I was worried that bad people would rub off on me.

Yeah. And so if you said that you were like, if you were like, yeah, my mom's a bitch. And then you touched me, I would have to wash 18 pumps of soap 81 times in order to get that person's aura off me. Because I was also worried that I would change into them. Why? Wait, you'd have to do a.

Ian would have never been my friend. Wash like 18 pumps. Eighty one times. OK, why that? Why that? I don't know. Why did you have to blink blink? Because you had to do the two good ones counteracted the beating out of both of you. How do you tried many times? How do you get rid of this thing that you had to do the two good ones counteracted the taken. Now, can these things be beaten out of both of you? That was tried many times. How do you get rid of this thing that you had? It's called exposure therapy.

I got sent to boot camp, and I was acting all twitchy and doing all stuff like that. And then I got into fist fights a bunch because people were like, you're a freak, and they would fight me. And I kind of had to stop because I was getting in in a lot of fights whoa yeah so you kind of did get a beat now wait what is now what's your excuse dumpy huh washy huh i tripped on acid very hard and dealt with it for eight hours alone in a room and almost killed myself and came out with way less ocd and And I still have it. I still have to drink a full thing of water every night before bed or else I'll die in my sleep. But that's not the end of it. I won't know that I'm dead. And then somebody will say, hey,

surprise, you got a big thing that happened. And I won't be able to celebrate it because I'll think, well, that's because I didn't drink the whole bottle of water last night. So I'm actually dead and this is heaven and I won't be able to be happy and I'll never know if I'm living in reality or not. Don't you wake up and pee all the time? Yes, I do. All right. That solves that. What the hell it would be to be YouTube freaks. It was tough.

It was hell. It is tough. It was hell. Yeah. It's not a lot of stuff going on up here. Not a lot of it makes. No. Any sense.

This is making me feel better about me and my life. So thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't think that was possible. I had a separate bathroom at my high school for where I could wash. So thank you. Yeah, yeah. I didn't think that was possible. I had a separate bathroom at my high school for where I could wash.

This is cool. They gave you your own weirdo bathroom? They love me. Like a trans... In fact, the trans kids would come in and be like, I need to take my shot.

And my nurse would be like, Jordan's in there and if I go in, I don't reset her. You had trans kids in your school? Yeah. That was progressive back then. I went to the layman alternative community school.

It's a democratic school run by its students. Mayhem. I know nothing. No information. But our pledge of allegiance was this. I pledge allegiance to the flag and all the life which it supports. One planet in our care. Irreplaceable with sustenance and respect for all. That's so not okay.

To not, to desecrate our Pledge of Allegiance. We didn't say it. Well, you're forced to say it, but we would all sit for it. Do I remember the Pledge of Allegiance? I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and all the life which it supports one planet, one nation in our care

and to the Republic for which it stands one nation under God our Father who art in heaven you're creeping me out Americans are so weird that's really scary that's so creepy I know that's why

we didn't say it oh sorry Trudeau you fucking black faced dickhead that's fine it was brown faced yeah and he was having a good time

it's a gray zone at best and it was Master of Disguise did it which is the best movie of all time Trudeau Trudeau thank you

you're welcome do I know the Pledge of Allegiance the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and know the pledge of allegiance i pledge allegiance to the flag united states of america and to the republic for which it stands one nation this is my ocd make my friends say the pledge of allegiance or i'll fucking rip my dick off do you still have ocd do i know that dude again i'll be like talk to the hand. You shock you again?

You keep saying it? I got myself into one of those things. Oh, yeah. I was tweeting it that you go on the mug. You go, I have a coffee mug that says, don't talk to me till I have my coffee mug that says, don't talk to me till I have my coffee mug that says, don't talk to me until I have my coffee mug.

And I wrote it out until Twitter cut me off. That's funny. Another good one is black people be like, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, cause they always be saying that black people be like, they do be like, so then it's like black people be like black people be like black people. And that one could go on forever. What do you have any, do you have any OCD still? Yeah. When I get tired, I flick the lights.

You know what I mean? You turn them off for bed time? Yeah, and I do like three times. And I go, no, no. And I go, oh, grandma, you're going down that road again. You got to cut yourself off. Do you ever do it in relationships? I do it bad in relationships.

Why don't you tell me what it is? Tell me what it is. Are you doing it right now? Yeah, tell me. What is it? You know what it is. Tell me what it is. What's wrong with you? No, you tell me. There's something going on. You tell me what it is. This isn't OCD. This is psychosis. I'll tell you what it is. Yeah, you know it. Say it. You wear too many buttons. I knew it! We have to break up.

I couldn't. Buttons used to make me throw up when I was a kid. What are you, Amish? I don't know why. They grossed me out for some reason. It was weird. It was weird. I could not wear.

I still don't wear a lot of buttons. Not that, but like the pearly ones. Were you beaten by a cardigan? What the hell happened? He was a kid. Because it looked like cum dribble, didn't it? No. And somebody came on your dribble face, didn't they? An older man. Jordan, no. Wait, wait, wait. Little cum dribble? No.

The pearly ones look like cum dribbles. Yes. What? About buttons. Weird, right? Yeah. What about buttons? Weird, right? Yeah. You barfed? I would. Yeah.

I used to like. Panic attacks. And the way my mom ate used to make me throw up. Because it was quiet and like this? No, it was like. I ate normally. I just, there's something about it. I had panic attacks.

These poor parents. They had my brother and I was the good one. Yeah. Yeah. Just so you go to a Christmas party and somebody's like, like my sweater? And you're like, bleh. So do you have OCD now? No. Sometimes.

Yeah. I always say that it's like I'm sober, but I'll always be an alcoholic. It's kind of like that. Are you sober? No. But I It's kind of like that. Are you sober? No, but I mean, it's like that. No, I... But that is true, and you have to work at it every day. You have to work at it every day.

No matter how far away you get from it. It's always in there. Same, you have to go, don't, no. Yeah. Every minute I'm doing that, don't. With regards to booze, I always... There's something that Norm Macdonald wrote in his book that always stuck with me.

Incredible book. One of my all-time favorites. And it's like half fake, half real. But one of the things he wrote that is one of the things he said is I'm not an alcoholic and that's almost worse because I keep drinking.

And I totally resonate with that. It's like I could just, you know. I'm that way. I'm not an alcoholic but I quit drinking. I I was like, that totally resonates with that. It's like I could just, you know. I'm that way. I'm not an alcoholic, but I quit drinking. I can drink. It's fine. No.

It's fine. I don't turn weird. I relate most to giving handjobs under a bridge for 10 bucks a pep. Did you ever really do that? Is that something anyone ever does? Certainly, yes. He's done way worse than that.

Recently. No. Not true. he has sex in cars i did that recently that's fun what are you talking about so what that's hard to have sex in a car for me i don't fit in a lot of cars you bought a very small car i bought the smallest car so i can't have sex in it he bought a mini cooper he has to stick his head out the skyroof in order to see no you fucking fresh well i have to look out this to see the light. Yeah. It's so small. Why would you do that?

Because it's really fun to drive. And it's affordable. And it looks cool. It looks dumb when he's in it. The Coopers don't look cool. They do look cool. Maybe if you're in London, England. I think everything looks the same.

I like that it doesn't look the same. Every car looks the same these days. Let me see a picture. It's the one car that doesn't look the same. Let me see a picture. We are compiling just evidence as to why this woman ghosted you, by the way. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You showing up on a Mini Cooper with your head out? Hi there. I'm Graham. Hold on. Let me blink in diagonal. I don't need to open the sunroof to stick my head out. That's funnier though. Yeah, you kind of do because you're like this.

No. Let's see a picture. I've seen it. This is. Graham. Okay. When you went to OCD camp, was it for OCD kids? Oh.

Oh. What is a boot camp? It's just a regular boot camp because they thought I was on, my parents thought I was on drugs. I didn't want to tell them I thought my face was going to change and sit up and down three times.

Because you're not allowed to talk about it. Are you on drugs? And I was like, yeah. No. Yeah, I do a lot of drugs. I inject joints into my veins. Is that how they do it?

And then they sent me away. Yeah. You thought your face was going to change? Because if you tell the parents what you, like my mom wanted me to take OCD meds, but then she'd give them to me and I'd be like, you're trying to kill me. And she'd be like, well, I can't give you the meds

to get rid of your OCD because you think I'm trying to kill you, but that's your OCD saying that. And I said, is it? Which? Is it? Well, it's like catch 22. You know?

I've got a couple pictures of my hog on here. Let's see that. Come on, why not? I'll show you mine. Michael Jordan, he did grow up being a strong, didn't he? OCD might be true, isn't it? When you jerk off, do you have to beat the tip of your dick three times or else you'll turn into a tree or something?

Maybe. Two more times or else it'll be a tree. Thank you. Thanks. Dave Ross took a picture. Turn into a tree. High five.

I mean, Graham, can we hurry this up? Well, you don't have an OCD with how long this has taken. Well, here it is. Sit back. Here it is. Pull your shorts down. Oh, yeah, you're right. It doesn't look like I recall. No, he put stripes on it, which is taken. Well, here it is. Sit back. Here it is. Pull your shorts down. Oh, yeah, you're right. It doesn't look like every car. No, he put stripes on it,

which is cool. It doesn't look like every car. It looks like every Mini Cooper I've ever seen. That's right. Mini Coopers don't look like every other car. Mr. Magoo. I love your car, but it's too small. It's so tiny. I don't care. I like it. Your glasses.

His fucking glasses. Here's the thing. I just recently... Can I see your hog on here? Your eyes are already big and then they just get so magnified and you're like, I don't care. I like it. And then they're shifting. I have it. I have stigmatism. Do you consent to me searching through your phone right now? No.

I don't even look at my fucking hog. No. You're half gay. You can even look at my fucking hog. No. You're a half-gay. You can't look at it. That's hysterical. I'm going to do this. I need meat. All right. Fine. I won't take your hog.

Look at how tiny that phone looks in your hand. I like tiny things. You must like your hog. What I do is I put my phone by it when I take a. Dick's on his lap. Oh, yeah. Can I please go sit on this? Can I please.

What's going on over there? Let me sit on your lap. What's happening? He's falling. I missed something. Oh, I see. I really got my brain scrambled on that shocking machine. Sometimes after we podcast down here, it does lose oxygen and it starts to get you.

Oh, you got safety. No. When they. Safety again. Oh, you did do it up. When they do electroshock therapy on someone's brain to make them sane. But it made you crazy. Yeah.

Maybe. All right. No, I did not. He's like this all the time. That's crazy. It just made you bounce into a little ball. I can't believe how compact your body got. You like pulled all your arms in.

I don't even remember what happened. I just remember feeling and having to like. Okay. It's a good car. It drives really well. It's fast. Is it? It's got turbo on it. It's stick shift car. It drives really well. It's fast. Is it? It's got turbo on it.

It's stick shift. I love stick shift. And it's like driving a go-kart. Really? That's fun. That sounds fun. That does. But what about luggage?

Is it here? You told it for two comics. You want to go to the beach tomorrow? I'm flying to San Francisco. Otherwise, I would, buddy. Can we borrow the calls Just quit Quit smashing my kneecap

I can drive stick There's no way This energy is getting behind anything That I own Look see I'm doing the pedal You are The clutch The clutch

You really can drive stick Look at that Wow You're good You really can drive stick. Look at that. Wow. You're good. Did you show the girl that you could drive stick? Because that's once in a lifetime. Explain to us what happened with this bone. I didn't.

She didn't see my car. And she went, oh, cute. Don't like that. No. Didn't like that one bit. Did she get in the vehicle? No, no. She couldn't fit in there.

When Graham got on my motorcycle, I drove two blocks in the whole time. He's like, his knees are in my ears. And he's like, whoa, slow down, slow down, speed racer. And I was like, Graham, at any point, you can just put your feet down and walk away. You can pick us up. Well, I was worried about my feet getting torn off on the side. My knees getting, there was nowhere to put my feet.

I had to hold them up. I had to like hold them up like this. And my head, my head was right beside her. He was holding her. Like pierced her head and my head was like, where are we going, pal? Which way are we going? And my head, my head was right beside her head. He was holding on. Like, pierce her head and my head was like. He was wrapped around me. Where are we going, pal? Yeah.

Which way are we going? He was basically, he could have walked us, me, the motorcycle. He could have just walked us all the way there. And the springs, the springs were like this. Gigantor. It was just. My motorcycle's too small for me. And then I just had you on the back.

It was like, it was a circus act. It was amazing. It's like a bear on the back of a bike. And then I drove with somebody else in the back of it and I was like, this is so easy. And I was like, oh yeah. No, no, no. A bigger man.

Fucked up. It was somebody I was having sex with. Ew. Smell. No. That's fine. And that's the clip. That's fine and that's the clip that's fine I think the clip is you talking to Taylor

going am I there well you put that shirt outside to dry I did because I was so wet and sweaty why did you put it back on because I want to promote my friend's gym. I think it did do something. Brooklyn Training Hall.

Pretty badass shirt. Yeah. Graham K. Had a Misfits painted helmet when he was a hockey goalie. Yeah. Yeah. And no one on my team or anyone in hockey knew what it was. Only me. Really cool. Wow. That is cool. No one on my team or anyone in hockey knew what it was. Only me.

Really cool. Wow. That is cool. It was cool. Do you have a picture of it on your phone? Yeah, I got one. I put it on these big goggles there. Maybe if you had a normal size phone, it would be easier for you.

I make everything hard for some reason. Yeah, you got a tiny car, tiny phone, big glasses. I fit in the car just fine. I have to. Now wait, what do you think happened with this girl? The love of your life. I think. The one that got away.

What's her address? I don't know. How'd you meet? I just don't know. I think maybe she just was like, ah, fuck it. Maybe she was like, wait a second. I just moved here. I don't want to start dating.

Oh, you didn't have sex That's probably the problem, you didn't fucking bang it out on the first date Ian, see if he's a good kisser Would you kiss me to see if you're a good kisser? Absolutely not, I don't want to smell that mustache This is the best part, you've never kissed a mustache It feels good and tickles, people tell me Oh, that rules

Kiss me? Look me. Oh, that rules. Yeah. Kiss me? Look. It's a cool helmet, Graham. Graham, it's cool. Why don't you sit over here and show me? Okay. No, no, it's a bit. It's a bit. When I broke my ankle and I did spots, people called me Graham Kane. Well, Ian thinks the funny bit is going up to every single comic and going, I hurt my ankle in a dick sucking incident. You should see the other guy. I did that to Aziz. He did not laugh and walked away

I think that's funny Can I tell you Well what I think is a funny story from Canada I have to pee so bad Let me put my feet up This guy goes He hurt his neck He's got a neck brace on he's about to go on stage

And the guy it's like the You know the amateur night or whatever And the host is like a notorious Canadian Hack he's an old guy he's about to go on stage and the guy it's like the you know the amateur night or whatever and the host is like a notorious canadian hack he's an old guy he's always mean to the new comics and the new comic has a neck brace from an actual like injury and he goes hey man just do me he goes what do you want me to say because whatever you say just just don't mention the neck brace yeah and he goes okay and then he brings him up and he goes, hey, this next comic broke his neck trying to suck his own cock. And then the guy goes up with a neck brace and he attacks him and starts to strangle him. No way!

Really? And then they get in like a fight. Can you imagine just watching it? That's phenomenal! That's unbelievable! The guy with the neck brace tries to strangle the other guy. That's amazing. That's unbelievable. With the neck brace, tries to strangle the other guy. That's amazing. That's awesome.

And the other guy was an old guy and the neck brace was a young guy? Oh, my God. I would pay top dollar. That rules. So what happened? They got in a fight, like a wrestling match. And then they got, I think, one of the managers went on stage and broke it up. And then they were like, whoa.

The next comic. They brought up another guy. That's amazing. Relax. Yeah. Hurt my ankle. Broke his own neck trying to suck his own cock. And he just flat out attacked him off the bat. You look like the white character in a black cartoon.

Give an example. Ian Fidance. Boondocks. You don't know any examples. That's the only black cartoon I know. Somebody texted me. Let me tell you, the bandana trucker hat look is coming back. Shout out Boxcar Racer.

Remember them? I feel so mad. I feel so angry. Let's start over. Stop. Let's start. Oh, stop. Let's start. Oh, bye bye. From the top. I feel so.

Hold him and talk to him while me and Graham talk. I don't. You know what? You pull off a lot of stuff I didn't think anyone could pull off. But you are pulling. You both pull off the same 25 year old look. Like what? Well,

you're wearing a bandana with a trucker hat. Looks cool. It does look cool on you. I prefer the five panel. What's a five panel? What's a five panel? It's this. I don't know what a five panel is.

And I don't know what you're pointing at. It's this design of a hat. Ian, there's five panels of material. I don't like it because it makes my. It's this design of a hat, Ian. There's five panels of material. I don't like it because it makes my head look tiny and the brim is too much of a bill. Sure. The brim is too much of a...

The brim? The brim is too big. My, yeah. I don't like those because they're popular now. Not anymore. I think they were a couple years ago. Yeah, until someone started wearing the Cardi Boys hat. What's a Cardi Boys?

Damn, you got a good hair. Look at that. He's got a widow's peak like you've never seen. Peaking out. Mmm. Yeah. And then the rat. People like what's left of my hair. You ever want to have a three way with twoian and the rat

People like What's left of my hair You ever want to have A three way With two rats and a rat Alright I'll be the middle We'll see how that works

Use your cane somehow I deserve it You should know Going into this I deserve everything. I'm a bad little boy. Lord knows what I've done. I deserve it.

Whatever you've got, I deserve it. Whatever you've got in that dark, deep little brain of yours, I deserve it. Oh, my God, deep little brain of yours. I deserve it. Oh, my God. The things I've done. I bet if you take a picture of you with the proton pack and send it to that girl, she gets back to you before the episode's over. Because you've ghosted me. Yep. Yeah.

That's funny. Did I say I said ghost? Are you ever going to talk to her again? Oh, yeah. You're never going to talk to her again. Why not? I think he really likes you. Give it a shot.

I don't know anymore. Why does it say do not remove? It's telling me what to do, Ian. If you didn't like her, why did you not sex her? Can I have that? I would have loved to, but it was like, you know, she had to like wake up early.

It would have been like, come back to me. You know, it was just like, I don't know. Wait, so you guys never spent the night together? No. Did you guys make out? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it never went further? Uh, it just wasn't, you know. That's your problem. You didn't take initiative. See, this is called law breaking.

Did you? You need to break the law. I know. Sometimes it's just like if someone has to wake up and they're tired, it's like, I'll fucking wait. You know, I don't care. That's not what it is. That's fair.

It's not that he... There's physical chemistry. It's not that he didn't take initiative. It's that he is a comic. And this is happening in the world now. Women are making money for the first time. Real money. I know.

They don't want kids. And the vans and the striped socks will get you pretty far but once you get to a corporate lady they need a lawyer doctor so you just went around the block to end up

insulting Graham dressed like a kid yeah women have self-respect For the first time Yeah You somehow insulted women And then Graham

Yes In the same Long convoluted Well it used to be If you were funny You could get anybody you want I used to complain about this Five years ago

Any man could fuck any woman If they were funny And now women are like You might be funny Women have had jobs Since No They used to type 2017 but now they

do other things they used to oh yeah the big women's lib movement yes you can trump got in office and then women got jobs they freed the ladies he grabbed them by the pussy and grabbed them from asunder thank god for him. I see you're grabbing at the thing. Is that a stretchy enough cut for what's going on? There's a baby. I'm going to have a baby. End it!

End it! It's a good band. You look great. Great shape. Doesn't she look good? You really do. Take it. You gotta stop look good? Yeah. You really do. Yeah. Take it. Never look better. You gotta stop hitting me today. Both of you, fuck yourselves.

Why? Put your head on my lap. Because we complimented you? Yes, I don't like it. Me too? I'll do it. Bye. This is the truth, though.

Women now, they have this like, they have like a. Break it down for us, Jordan. Let's hear it. They don't need us Jordan Let's hear it They don't need They don't need They don't need This is my favorite thing The comics do Because they make their own money

Yeah but that's what I mean They gotta They break it down I'm tall Dark handsome and funny Isn't that enough That used to be enough And I make money

But now there's this New breed of woman What new breed of woman And who is your data pool That this is happening with? I can afford a car that's too small. Graham is an autistic ogre. He does nothing.

He's counting. I have OCD. Ten times before he licks her pussy or else he'll turn into a bridge troll. It's nothing to do with funny. I'm not going to lick it too little amount of times, I'll tell you that. I'll go down there. I'll be clicking away down there. See what happens.

Like an African drummer. You like that? Does that get you where you need to go? Is that doing something for you? Am I Michael Jordan yet? Am I? Just yet? Am I? Just doing anything for your little bead? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, see? He'll be fine. They do this thing now where people have money because you put, you take, you take this lady and this guy and they both make a lot of money and they get this house. And now that lady who looks like a corporate hot lady, she's seeing her friends with that house, and she goes, okay, I have to date the guy who isn't funny, but he has a shit ton of money because he's in tech.

That's understandable. No, it's not. It's lame. Well, if you want that, then I'm not the right guy, so who cares? Yeah. Do me a favor. Call her and tell her that. Just do me a favor.

Whatever. Who are you? Who's telling? My male friends date comics, and these women will abandon them. Wait. Your male friends date comics? My friends? Women just.

I have friends. Everyone's abandoning everybody no matter what their job is. Whether women are abandoning men, men are abandoning women and all. There's no abandoning. You've been on a date four times. People didn't used to ghost and now they do. And how did you say you met? Three times. You met on Raya

which means she has... Ugh! It's fine. Wait, you met on Raya? Yeah. So she has access... That explains it. She's probably out with some hat entrepreneur or something. Could be. Some guy that's making shirts.

Hat is great. Yeah, somebody who dresses like he's in Shawshank Redemption but Could be. Some guy that's making shirts. That is great. Yeah. Some guy who dresses like he's in Shawshank Redemption but whittles wooden spoons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his dad owns a lot of people. You went on a date with her four times. It's fine. It's three times. It's fine.

Three times. Let's call her. She doesn't owe me anything. All you did was make her up. She owes you pussy and you will get it if it's the last thing you do, won't you? We are going to go find it. I promise you this. Take it. And hang it like a beaver pelt. If you ever listen to this episode,

it is not happening. That's not true. You've said very charming things. Onward and upwards. If she is watching, we have another eligible bachelor right here. Hello. We're trying to find him.

Hello. They call me hobbles. And I'll do whatever it takes to get to the pussy. I'll hurt you. Call me a tootsie roll. I'm going to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center. One. Two.

I lost count. Sorry, I'm knee- the center. One. Two. I lost count. Sorry, amnesia. One. Two. What? Here's what we gotta do. You gotta call her and say, hey. You gotta wash your hands 18 times. And say, what's the deal?

Are we going out or what? Just like that. I like when you think it's easy and then you had two chances and you were like, hey! It's so hard to not say hey. You were like calling to win tickets to a concert on a radio

station and you finally got through and you just fucking screwed the poop. And it's just a friend of yours who's a lady and you have two opportunities. What the fuck's wrong? Fuck a bitch. It's hard to not say hello.

It's hard to go from saying hello. And you were like, don't say or not. Be cool. Like, don't, you know, don't be like, well then fuck you bitch. This is the thing you told me off air before. And, don't, you know, don't be like, well, then fuck you, bitch. This is the thing you told me off air before. And then you called and you were like, fuck, slut.

Think you're better than me? Anyway, Graham, that's how you do it. Who is he? Who is he? Is he younger than me? 32? 32? 6'5"? What? Who is he? The younger than me? 32. 6'5". Mini Cooper XL.

What? Mini Cooper Clubman, the big one. And, Graham, that's how you do it. All right, that's a show. Oh, this is great. Graham has a... I have a one-man show. I'm doing an off-Broadway, talking about what it's like taking care of my brother who has autism,

what it means when my parents get old and I have to take care of him. Do I have to move back to Canada? Who knows? It's called Pete and Me, a non-depressing look at autism and family come check it out under St. Mark's Theater September

12, 13, 14 I think and then October, I got two weeks in October tickets are available at GrahamK.com Graham is spelt like the cracker and then K-A-Y not E-A-Y. That's gone.

That's out of there. What is that, Irish? Gay. Lick. Gay lick. What is that, Irish? Gay. It's gay lick.

It's Scottish. Pogmehaw. Is it Scottish? K. Graham K. Yes. Graham K. Graham.

You're going to do Scottish in a yell or else it's just Irish. I want a meat pie. Yes. Yeah. I want two of them. Yeah. I want fried everything. Yes.

I just sound like a pirate. I drive a Mini Cooper. Mini Cooper. Oh, you've become something else. Yeah. Great thunder and lightning. What do you have? Jordan, what are your plugs?

I'll tell you what I have to plug. And I will always love you. IanVitance.com for all my tickets. I got a lot of fun stuff coming up. November 3rd, Amityville Musical, Long Island. Come on out. Baltimore, Port City. Come on out. Baltimore, Port City Comedy Club.

I'm really having a ton of fun. And I got a special announcement coming up. So, stay tuned. iAnimal69, Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram. Be an Ian. Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod. Can you please follow me on Instagram so I have something to live for

time is up fair enough that makes sense I am so sorry his instagram is instagram right I had to change it because no one understood the joke it's a joke

what is it now Mr. Graham K boo yep woof yep well Ian G-R-A-H-A-M-K-A-Y

Mr. Graham K Are you serious? Yeah it used to be Instagram K That was fun Maybe I'll change it back It's too late I bet I'm going to hit your dick with this if you don't quiet down in front of our friends I would enjoy it

And you'll deserve it I think I sucked air out of the room laughing in the, and you just, I have no, I'm seeing stars. Do you have enough air? That's because you're looking at me and Graham. Oh no.

Oh, now you've turned, now he's turned. I'm just going to look over there. And it's just Ian over there. Is this Janine Garofalo? That's me. That's me, I said.

Do you see the missing tooth? Jordan, what are your plugs? I got one in my ass and one over the right of me. I don't know. I don't know where I'm going. Levity Live, Gran Rapido, somewhere else. Gran Rapido. else Gran Rapido we are going to be at the 10,000

laps comedy festival I have something right after that but what is it? Minneapolis, Minnesota October 12th and 13th and I'm headlining the Granada theater there oh hell yeah dude yeah I'm excited very good for you thank you

or possibly the Sisyphus. What? I'm remembering now. No longer Granada Theater. Two shows at The Sisyphus. Because it's smaller. Yeah. Thanks, George.

Sorry. Well, you went like this. You did a thousand miles there. You went like this. I'm remembering. I'm remembering now. I am seeing the text that came through from my agent. I decided to go to a different place.

Sisyphus, which is a man who rolled a boulder uphill for his entire life, isn't he? Yes, he called it a relationship with Jordan. Bye, guys. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore