Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 062: Get Crooked W/ Rich Vos

Episode Date: October 4, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another Barn Burner episode of Be An Ian with Jordan. Thank you all for tuning in. There's somebody upstairs. Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod for early releases, the bonus, weeklies, and a lot of good extra stuff. What's wrong with it? Oh boy.

Blow the shofar, let's start. Oh my god, I saw's wrong with it? Oh, boy. Blow the shofar. Let's start. Oh, my God. I saw a jujujuju blowing these. All right. I saw a juju bean on the sidewalk, and I ate it. Shana Tova. It's Rosh Hashanah.

No, but I truly saw a Hasidic guy blowing one of these for funsies, and we're actually really good at it. You've gotten so good. I haven't done it in a while. Yeah, give it a go. You would do that better if there were balls on it. Yeah. And that's our guest, Rich Voss, everybody.

The legend. Look at this shirt. You gave it to me, and I cut it into a muscle. Jordan cut it. You're better at cutting shirts than you are your bangs. They were in my eyes. And I haven't slept in two days. Why haven't you slept?

I don't know. Sometimes I lay awake. Five days before my period. Have you ever thought about getting curtain bangs? Those aren't curtain bangs When I curtain them Like this you idiot That's a curtain That's not a bang

It just looks like you're parting your hair In an odd way I go into my bathroom And there is just chopped up hair In the sink Also did you notice the apartment's clean? How is this not a curtain bang? Did you notice the apartment's clean? Did you notice the apartment's clean? Yeah, because you have a woman.

Jesus. Rich, how are you? Good. Thank you for having me. It's good to be here. I've wanted to get in here and get We've wanted to get on you too. I'm looking at all your tattoos and I have tattoos and I'm wondering what pain are you covering? You know, what would you know, every tattoo that you get and go home and lay in a fetal position and cry.

Yeah. What's it about? Where do I begin, brother? You look great with your you inspired me because I was afraid of getting arm tattoos. And I said, if Voss can do it, I can do it. Well, yeah, but I've been doing it forever. I mean, I got some chest. You just showed us your chest.

I won't do, the only reason I don't do leg and nose look great is because I never wear shorts. Yeah, it's just money. So it's look great Is because I never wear shorts Yeah it's just money I used to never wear shorts either And then I started getting them And I was like you know And I got to be a shorts guy because I sweat so much Yeah Because you're Italian

We're all Italian Are you Italian? No I'm a Jew Are you really a Jew? You didn't know he was a Jew You didn't tell me he was a Jew Yeah You didn't know Rich Voss was a Jew? You didn't know he was a Jew? You didn't tell me he was a Jew. Yeah. You didn't know Rich Voss was a Jew?

I didn't know you guys were... I mean, I could see the greasiness, but I couldn't put it together that you guys were... Sorry, that just happens when it is Jewish people. Sorry. Really? Because you're in the wrong business. Yeah, really.

Yeah. You didn't know that Voss was Jewish? That's like insane to me. You know when you're like, he's either Italian or he's Jewish? Yeah, but his whole thing is being Jewish. Oh, is it really? Yeah. Oh, my whole never again.

See that tattoo? That's amazing. That's mostly what bookers say after he plays a club. Whoa. Nice, nice. Whoa, I'm getting smidily smashed. Nice, that was pretty good. Smidily smashed.

Smidily smashed. I like your work. good. Smittily smashed. Smittily smashed. I like your work. Let me see what you got there on you. See, I like that, too, because, you know, when a person, when someone like you that has no pigment and looks sickly, they stand out so much better, but they look good. I always think that this is, turn, the twin good. I always think that this is turn the twin towers. I like this.

I always think that's a twin towers. What is that? Crown molding. That is not crown molding. I used to remodel houses. Me too. Me too. I had my own business, bitch. What was it called? Contracting.

I had fucking eight guys working for me when I was 23. I did drugs and I fucked I mean, we did mainly, we painted mainly Victorian houses in my town. That's why I got all Victorian furniture in my living room like Bonnie has her living room in my living room.

What? Where do you live? We have a big house. We're headliners. Queens? No, in Jersey. Oh, nice. In Ground Pool. No children. What's that? No children. That's why. Dude, I have three kids. It is amazing how out of touch you are with everything.

Nice to meet you. Huge fan. I have two older daughters that are pregnant. Lives in Queens and no kids? I thought that this was the other guy we were having on. Calm down. She drives a Yamaha. Are you not? Who's an Italian guy with? Sebastian Maniscalco.

Are you not Sebastian Maniscalco? That's good. Dude. What? His daughter. He has no kids and is Italian. His daughter is like world famous. Who?

Which one? Oh, Reina? Reina. Why? Yeah. Because she is a complete bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, she's now 16 and fucking beautiful. That's crazy. And she's well-developed. Richard. And the other day, Bonnie said, have you seen Raina's breasts? And I go, no, the drill bit broke. What is that? Oh, when you were drilling a hole through her wall?

No, my little pickaxe Wouldn't get through the No My older daughters You know, they're 33 and 31 They're both I already have a granddaughter Someone got their ribs broken once for that Really?

What happened? No, you know Years ago You have a granddaughter? Some comics and stuff about my kids, and I cracked two of his ribs. Good. You should. That's awesome. Good for you.

How old is this? I mean, how old is this 16-year-old? You had the 16-year-old way later. With Bonnie, but first, my older daughters are with my first wife. Are you still friends with that lady? Oh, we were great. Yes. What are you kidding me? Really? I moved. Look, when we? Oh, we were great. Yes. What are you kidding me? Really? She, I moved.

Look, we had, when we got divorced, we had nothing, you know, I didn't have, so we did our own contract, no lawyers.

She have them at night. I had, I raised them in a day cause I work nights and you know, holidays. I would have them. Thanks. You know, I would sleep over her house on Christian,

you know, we stayed separated for five years. We didn't get him thanks you know i would sleep over her house oh uh on christmas you know we stayed separated for five years we didn't get divorced you know plus she kept me on her insurance and then i moved to the town she moved to you know and uh when i married bonnie and we had a kid you know my ex-wife used to watch our kids sometimes our bit you know oh really yeah yeah she had a cleaning business. She would do our house. And we'd go over. She was remarried.

We'd go over to her house for dinner. You know, whatever. That's so cool. I had two kids. Here's the thing. Why would I not try to get along and ruin the kids' lives like my parents did? And it's not my mother's fault. My dad died.

Like, my daughter's birthday was July 31st. And my dad died that day. And I was like, happy birthday, Raina. Grandpa's dead. Let's go have cake. But fucking narcissists couldn't wait a day. Yeah. You know, but here's the thing.

You know, my parents, when they got divorced, you know, as you get old old I realized how tough My mom's life was Raising three kids Me and my brother You know On secretary money Yeah

You know And So I did everything Opposite with my My kids grew up to be My two older daughters One lives in a house It's so fucking big

It's unbelievable The other one Just bought another house Owns one in Tampa that day, Airbnb. Oh, wow. You know, it's amazing how well they turned out. Because my ex-wife was a good mom. I was there for my kids. And, you know, and my 16-year-old is a 16-year-old, you know.

That doesn't happen a lot. Wait, which one's famous? No, I meant like infamous. Because of how much of a... No, I mean she said things to like one night we were at The first time I met her she goes, are you a crackhead?

I was like, Reina, please. She was at, I mean she was young and Bonnie had her one night at the stand. She gave birth to her one night She had her at the stand And Bonnie was sitting with Tim Jones And they were leaving And then my daughter goes

So long fatso Unbelievable So my wife gets her in the car And yells at her and says These are my friends You cannot talk to them this way You have to be nice and sweet. So the

next night she's there and they're leaving and my daughter goes to Tim Dillon, it was a pleasure seeing you and sitting with you. Fatso. Oh my God. Oh my God, I love this girl. That's the best. That's the best. How old was she?

She was probably 10. Yes, perfect. Old enough to know what she's doing. She was at the cellar one night, and she has her stuffed animal. Piggy. Piglet. Piglet. And Keith walks in with Wanda, and she gives Keith the finger, right?

And Wanda says, look. Picks up the stuffed animal. Wanda goes, it's either this or this. Yeah. But you can't have both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't have both. You can be in here.

That's awesome. You can be an asshole, but you can't carry a stuffed animal. That's amazing. Oh, my God. That's what you get. Is she turning out okay, even though she has two comic parents? She's got straight A's in school Wow

She's She's so cool She's my favorite That's great She's so cool Your other daughters love her too Oh yeah yeah That's so great that you and your wife were friends

Yeah my sister's really kicking this guy. Oh, the other day, you know, my ex-wife, Bonnie, went to my daughter's bridal shower. That doesn't happen often. That's so beautiful. You know, we had my daughter's birthday and we invited my ex-wife, but she lives in North Carolina now. How did you do that? Yeah, how did you do that? If the marriage didn't work, how did you... How did you do that? Yeah, how did you do that? If the marriage didn't work, how did you...

How did you make that work as friends and not as husband and wife? You and your original wife. Well, I mean, because we... I see you as a better friend than husband. Yeah, and you're 100% right. Because, like I said, I had two daughters And one we had nothing to fight over No money, no, you know So lawyers make money making you fight

Yes, you're right, lawyers make money making you fight That's true Lawyers not making you fight, but you That's true. A lot of people say that. Not making you fight, but you know what I mean. You know what I'm saying. Okay, listen, I quit school. Lawyers be making the money, making you fight, making the bad guys. Okay.

Boys in the hood are always hot. So, you know, I just figured Like one time I did this TV show And they wanted Pictures of you as a kid And I asked my dad And he had two pictures of you Yeah

Oh no I have hundreds Of my kids growing up Hundreds Yeah you can't find one right now Oh no Oh no I mean In albums

Oh What are you looking for? This one picture of my daughter So she can see what she looks like now. Still talking. You didn't have to tell him that I was looking at me. You're on camera. It's not audio. I forgot. Speaking of

16-year-olds, Ian has a guest. So, we just stayed, you know, it's easier. She's not 16. She's 28, but she is. Who, that young lady that was upstairs? She has started making you wear do-rags. We got this upstate.

And I'm the only one wearing the one I got. That's because you got it. And it's yours. I'm the only one wearing the one I have. Yeah, but where's yours? Yours had flames on it. It had motorcycles. What are you just naming objects that are cool?

Cars. Cars. Corvette. Lightning bolt. Yeah. It had eagles. It had a swimming pool. And you have the best one.

Had a slide. Ooh, swimming pool bandana. Slide. In a pool. Did you see the poster that our buddy made? Shout out. I'm going to do this right now. Zach Wormer.

Zach Wormer. I know. It was great. This was really cool. Really moved me. I know. It was great. This was really cool. Really moved me. I know. It was so nice. Look at this. He made this for my half hour. Oh, that's so cool. Isn't that cool? Jordan's half hour is releasing.

We now shall name this day here on Forward as Jordan Jensen Day. That's fabulous. That's Raina now? What the fuck? Don't say anything stupid The last time I saw her she was fucking

Five and like yelling at me She's so cute She's not a club owner I like it She's tall What's that? She tall? I haven't seen her in years I like it. She looks great. Is she tall? What's that? Is she tall? I look like long limbs.

I haven't seen her in years. All right, enough. Yeah, that's a cool poster. I know. Really cool that he made it. Looks like me and everything. It's got my tattoos on it. Zach Wormer, he's done some other stuff for us.

He's the one that showed up on Instagram. Being in with Jordan Wayne's world. And look at that itchy and scratchy. He did that too. Where? Right in front of you, Rich. This one? Yes.

Isn't that nice? I know. But this has got my tattoos, my hair colored, my exact motorcycle. Look at the little back. I know. And he did you a favor by covering up your face. He covered up my face. Tell him to do one for me.

Okay. Yeah. For next week. Oh, it comes out next week? Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking cool. We can send a video to him right now. Ready? Tell me when. When? Hey, Zach,

I don't know if I know you, but I'm sure you know me because I'm Rich Voss, bitch. I want a poster, too, for my special next week. That's cool stuff. And I'll plug you on my podcast It's starting back up My wife hates me Alright, there you have it

You'll have something to put on your fucking bio I made Rich Voss a poster, okay? I'll bring you from a nobody to a somebody That's what I'll do From a nobody to a somebody You're dealing with this fucking clown In this fucking skirt This is Rich Voss talking, bitch.

He just keeps talking. He's a really nice man and he would love this very much. Thank you. We're recording a podcast. This is happening. Say it to the camera. He'll see it. He watches the show.

I know you are But now's not the time Let me tell you something About fucking cameras and TV Yes And someday you'll do it Uh huh You don't stare into the camera

You fucking idiot You fucking work the room And the camera follows you You fucking jamoke Yeah That's where the phone was And that's where I fucking headed And the camera's following me

Yeah I don't follow the camera. You got a guy back there swiveling it. You see what I'm saying? God damn I got to teach these fucking new jacks. God bless you. Thank you. So it comes out tonight like I told

for your, okay so on YouTube, right? I told my guy also to put a link on my website because when you go promote it, I can go YouTube slash Rich Voss or richvoss.com, click it, and it goes to YouTube, right? Yeah. Because, like, I don't know a lot about just YouTube specials,

but wouldn't you just go to YouTube and put your name in it and it would come up? Yes. Should it like that? Right. We'll do that. I think. Is it also on searches work?

Yeah. Well, no, cause I got a million things of rich floss on YouTube. I'm sure she's in you do. So. Right. I think it'll go up.

So. Yeah. But that's the newest. It'll be the first thing that pops up. Okay. Is it also going on Gas Digital's website? Do they put them there? No, they put it.

We own it all. So it goes all on our YouTube. And then there's a link on theirs, right? Yeah, there's a link on theirs. They promote it. They story it. Don't promote it very much. But then I think they keep

20% of monetization, which I don't know if that's right. But how are we going to make money? You mean from YouTube hits? I guess. Oh, so this doing this podcast, I'm going to make $4. Yeah, you're going to make $4. You got a free cup of coffee. And I just clicked the monetization thing.

You didn't pay for parking? Look at this. Listen, relax. Okay, calm down. Guy gets a new fucking bandana and he thinks he's a hell's angel. It's when he's holding the cane. The cane doesn't work. I remember when he first hurt himself and had to get that cane. Yeah.

I remember. Yeah, it was horrible. It was terrible. He could barely walk. All right. Not easy to look at to begin with. But then he's walking. Then he's walking up on stage like fucking, you know, Dr. Scoliosis. Yeah. It was painful. I remember when that happened to him.

What happened? You skydive? You jumped, sailed? You crowd surfed? What? How'd you do it? No. No.

Do you know anything? He's crowd surfed? No. No, I got hit by a car in 2020. I separated my seat from my belt. On your bike, on your bike, on your bike. My L4, my L5. On your bike, it's a problem. David Tell was carrying him and dropped him.

Oh, no, that was his career, not his back. What happened was, you motherfucker. The person that hit you, did you ever get your plate or anything like that? What I'm saying is a Jew Have you Have you ever gotten Like hit or anything before? There's like

There's all this adrenaline And like it's a hit to your pride And you feel shame And everyone's attention on you And you want to be like I'm okay, I'm okay So I got hit and all these on you and you want to be like, I'm okay. I'm okay. So I got hit and all these people came over and I was like, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I'm fine. Yeah. And usually that happens.

If people have to like hold you down and call an ambulance, I was like, look, look, I'm fine. I'm fine. Everything's okay. So then I got back on my bike and I rode home and the next day I was like, pedaling bike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The day, I was like, I need to go... What is happening? I have to get something out of my eye. I have to get something out of my eye. So, as you were laying there, the car took off?

No, they were really nice. They got out. I'll be honest, my racism kicked in a bit, because all these dudes, like huge Puerto Rican guys, got out of the car, and then a bunch other came at me down the street running and I'm like oh shit am I gonna get robbed and they were just coming to my aid to be helpful the ones that hate you the ones that hate you well they they were they you notice how

I'm looking at you not at the camera go ahead yes okay they uh they hit me and I guess they were trying to pull up to like their friend's place so all their friends came and I guess they were trying to pull up to their friend's place. So all their friends came, and they scooped me up. And they were like, my brother rides a bike. I'd want someone to help them if someone hit him. And I was like, oh, my God, thank you. And then I just left. I was like, look, it's fine.

Went home next day. I was like, I got to go to the fucking hospital. This is not good. Yeah. And, you know, Iot oh sorry sorry long story short i was at skank fest my back went out oh that's what yeah i remember it was at skank fest yeah i don't want in houston right yeah i fell i i got up out of bed fell on the ground crawled to my phone and called my friend who's a doctor at 6 a.m. and go, please help.

And it was fucking gnarly, dude. And people didn't know, so they were coming up and hugging me and I'm like, ah! See, I got sciatica. I had sciatic nerve damage from my left ass cheek down to my left leg.

My butt bone hurts when I sit. Can I tell you how to fix it? I don't like it when it's better. I started riding my bike again and it went away. Do you ride a bike? I have a bike. Oh, I got one of those in my...

Is that a zapper? I got a big one in my car. No, don't do it. I have a bad heart. Will you plug it into that wall so that we can tase each other? Not us being in. Oh, I got a big one in my car. No, don't do it. I have a bad heart. Will you plug it into that wall so that we can tase each other? Not us being in. Oh, I got a big one in my car. Really? Yeah, it's not real. It's a little. I won't. Is this going to get

me when I plug it in? No, it won't. Oh, it got me when who did get me in front of when I plugged it in the other day? Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Well, hold on. Let's see What are you pulling out some Weathers originals Some what Yeah

Should I get my knife Oh this is so fun Oh yeah That came out of the hairbrush Oh look at that Out of the comb Look at you Fucking look at you

Short shank I thought he was gonna make fun of you And I turned to see him make fun of me He went That came out of the hairbrush I love it Yeah Yeah

You got to Shit's getting dangerous I got mace in my car I got fucking One of those But bigger one Damn And if someone breaks my window I'll just I won't have anything What am I gonna do Dangerous. I got mace in my car. I got fucking one of those, but bigger one. Damn. And if someone breaks my window, I'll just be, I won't have anything.

What am I going to do? Why don't you just start stabbing them? Have you ever had to use it? You know, when you stab someone, you're supposed to stab and then break it off. Ah. Ugh. Why? I'll show you.

Can you put it away? I don't like being threatened with weapons. I'm not threatening you. You just held it up. No, that wasn't a threat. That was a show. Always hold a knife behind you. Really?

If you go like this, they know you don't know what you're doing. Oh, yeah. Well, it's not, you know, the socias and the. When I was with the Warriors. They taught you that? Yeah. What would your gang name be if you were in a gang? Slowmo the homo

Nice My gang name or the gang's name? The gang's name If I was in a gang? Yeah The Legends Whoa Nice

What would yours be? Mine would be I almost said Ku Klux Klan The Kublai Khan Mine would be Mine would be, I almost said Ku Klux Klan, the Kublai Khan. Mine would be, mine would be the, mine would be. The improvisers. A gang of women.

Would it be women or many different types of people? Mine would be the cane gang. The sea guys. That's awful because it almost, you're really bad with almost rhyming but not like B and E. Jesus, it's comedy. What the fuck? We're having fun. I'm picking up the slack because you can't name them. Mine would be the

The Bang Cutters. Mine would be the Bang Gang. Mine would be the Cum Sluts. Mine would be, I'm Mine would be The cum sluts Mine would be, I'm going to think of it, spiders in your boobs How about the jizz mongers? Mine would be anal But not the whole dick because that hurts too much

But a little bit of anal is okay Where are you originally from? Ithaca My brother went to college up there Ithaca College, right? Cornell? No He worked at a bar up there.

I mean, he's dead now. Yeah, you really digress. He went to college up there. He worked at a bar. He's dead. Yeah. Ithaca, yeah. He went to Ithaca College.

Was he an artist? Oh, no, he didn't go. He just lived in Ithaca and worked at a bar. Do you know which bar? The story's really changing. In Nines? I don't know. How many bars are in Ithaca?

Probably a lot because it's a college town. Well, whatever. How did he die? Did he jump off one of our... Diabetic or something. I don't know. He lost a leg. Really? Still full price for the funeral. That's my gang name. Lost leg. Hold on.

Still full price for the funeral. For the casket Unbelievable Crazy They don't They didn't prorate it I know They didn't prorate this casket

They fucking kill you You know I'm trying to save money I go look can we do three feet Nice Come on let's do three feet Well like one foot Save money Did you know that caskets for super big people,

super fat people are called dimensions? That's what the line of caskets is called? No. In the bit I do about funerals? Yeah. Take us through it. Well, no. I pay for my brother's funerals like 12 grand, 13 grand.

A lot of money. And a fucking plain pine box. Plain was $1,700, right? Plain pine. The exact same, right? Plain pine. The exact same plain box stained, $34,000. I go, look, let me come back tonight. I'll stand up. Yeah.

And whatever. So obviously, you know, and I said, put them in the best, the top of the line. Yeah. Well, you know, whatever. Of course. And then, you know, when when everybody leaves I have a brand new Unused waterproof sleeping bag Yeah

That I got with Marlboro Miles years ago Do you remember Marlboro Miles? Yes I did not I wasn't smoking when they had them They got rid of them and it's so sad I would be able to buy a fucking pontoon boat Yeah

With the fucking Marlboro miles I have. You know what? I just looked at you. You could be casted as like a soldier in like a platoon or you know, not like a... The goofy one who's bad at things?

Yeah, not even goofy or bad. Fuck you. He's like the guy the funny guy From like You know Fucking New York And he's with all these guys

From Arkansas And different places But he's smart But he's smart But he's the funny guy And he Cause with the bandana And stuff

You know Bandana I see I would say things like I would say things like Wars I would say things like, war is hell, but so is marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me do the writing. I, uh, I'll do the writing. I think he would get killed first. He'd be the guy that'd be like, let's go to war. And they'd all love him so much, but then he got blew up

because he was too aggressive. Wacky. Yeah. I'd be like, I'll come out and distract him. Oh. And everybody got one of your rings and they're like we loved him So you know

I'm sitting here thinking Don't hurt yourself so there's really no Theme to this podcast Like it's not that's what me and Bonnie There's no theme yeah just talk What's your podcast called my wife hates me Oh yes yes yes yes yes it's so funny Thank you it's so funny. Thank you.

It's so funny. This is fun. Yeah, this is fun. When she pulled the fucking jizz out of her eye. Are you kidding me? How do you top that? She had jizz in her eye? No, you.

When you said something like that. She's as quick as a turtle. Did I have jizz in my eye? She's sharper than a liverwurst sandwich, brother. Yeah, you would. I used to love liverwurst. When's sharper than a liverwurst sandwich, brother. Yeah, you would. I used to love liverwurst. When I was a kid with mayonnaise. Woo!

Can't beat it. Woo! Why'd you come in your wife's eye, huh? No, he was saying, Jesus Christ, you are just quick on the uptick today, honey. My jizz is kept on my back. Sometimes I leave it on there just as work paint. Do you have a boyfriend? Do you go out with comics?

Oh, here we go. Comics? White or black? Excuse me, sir. You are the reason why I date comics. Just so you know, everybody's like, don't date a comedian. It's a bad thing. And then I always use you as an example. So it's your fault that I keep... What you're saying that me and Bonnie have been married 18 years or

why do you use me? Because you guys are in love. And and it works so everybody says don't make out my dad and i say boss bonnie boss bonnie and they say that's the one exception yeah we're roommates now no you just said you came in her eye no i was saying that was a joke about you that was a joke about you how do me and et about you. How do me and Ethan know? Good God. Me and Ethan have our own. Does Ethan know? Do you know?

He knows that I'm kidding. I know that she's kidding. And you're out of control today. You know what? I just. Was it the Adele bit? What hurt you? I just took you out of the movie.

You're not a soldier anymore. I want to be in the movie. The girl upstairs is a totally appropriate age. Oh God. Is that it? Why don't you go upstairs and see if she's done with her homework and then we'll talk about fucking 26. What the fuck? There's arcade tokens

on your bed. What, her IQ? Boom. Fuck all of you. Dude. You're in a failing relationship. You're on death's doorstep. Look at me. I'm healthier than him. As you sit there with a cane. Shut your mouth.

It's for show. I don't need it anymore. Fucking. Sometimes she hits me and I need a defense. Fucking Zeppo, shut your mouth. Listen to me. Do you go out with a comic now? Is this comic a headline?

Like, will you go out with a comic a new comic or somebody that's they got to be like you know what i'm saying are they headliners uh um i would say not as a he headlines but not in new york and i would say he's not as aggressive about comedy as i am but very very funny i love watching him yeah yeah so he's on the He's from out of New York He doesn't live in New York Yeah and he We break up like Twice a week

So next week It could be like He's a Turd But Right now And The only draw he has

Don't you Do this So His mother Oh you want to talk about crayons Do you want to talk about crayons Yeah Crayons

What'd you say Crayons What are to talk about crayons? Crayons? What'd you say? Crayons. What are you talking? Crayons? Okay. Crayonberries? Ithaca, Alabama? What?

Wait, how do you say that word? What? Crayons? Crayons. Crayons. Crayons. Crayons? Go get your crayons?

Go get your crayons. What do you mean? Come down here and get me something from the crayons. Wait, is crayons not right? I pay two tolls for this. That is a lot and I apologize. Speaking of crayons, there's arcade tokens upstairs on your desk.

I know. Me and Emma went and played Barcade. Did you? Where did you meet this young lady? Where did you meet her? You always do well for some reason. I don't get it.

I don't get it. Hey, Kendi, they're not in the audience, are they? Yeah. Are they from the audience? No. No, I do. I'm not traditionally handsome. I'm a fun guy.

Well, you seem like a fun guy. Yeah. You seem like fun. Yeah. I think he's good at sex. I've heard it. You've at sex. I've heard it. You've heard it? I've heard it.

And it sounds good. What, is he fucking with his nose? I know. I don't know what he's doing. I don't know. He could just be paying somebody to make those noises, but they were good. I was like, ew, I don't want to eat. What are you packing?

Are you like a fucking monster cock? No. Rich. What? I'm all right. I hate my cock. When he squeezes it really hard. I like It's hard. I like it. Really? How big you packing? When it's hard?

I don't know. You guys have the same penis. Something six around there. It's nice when it's hard but he's not doing the choking thing you do. I have to hold it tight. Because if not, when I get a hard on, it goes against my stomach. So I have to hold it up. That's crazy.

Is that big? It hits your stomach. That's fucking like 10 inches. No, it hits down there. Oh, because your stomach hangs down. No! Oh my God. Go back to the part where I'm good at doing it. Okay. Only 22% of Americans speak a language

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slash ska. I was going to say B-B. That's correctamundo. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. Did you shave your underarms? No. He's just a little boy.

I don't go out of hand. I love your fucking tattoos. They're so good. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Ak's just a little boy. I don't go out of hand. I love your fucking tattoos. They're so good. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Akira, R&D. Yeah, R&D tattoo, Rich Fye, Daniel Strauss, Kee LaTanzia. You're from Delaware. Philly's 45 minutes away, yeah.

Crayons. Crayons. Not crayons. You say, please pass me the crayons. Let's get back to your boyfriend. No. Do you work together on the road? No. Never. Never? You would never.

Why? Because you would headline and he would have to middle? His ego wouldn't let him? Yeah. Oh, shit. Why? Why? Because you would be like, listen, fuck, get my intro right this time.

Gas digital. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's B and E and with Jordan, yeah. It's B&E with Jordan. That's right. Patreon.com slash B&E pod. Oh, you need to make the post about the special coming out with all the cute pictures of us.

Oh, yes. You're right. I will do that when we're finished. Are you going to watch it? No, I'll kill myself. No, we're having a party in the park. I'm making people go to a park so that nobody can watch it on the glare. You know what I mean? Nobody will click it outside.

If we're inside, somebody will be like, I'm going to blow it up and I'll fucking kill myself. Oh, I'm going to bring my Bluetooth speaker, pop it up, and hold it like John Cusack in that movie that he stands outside the window.

Okay, well, I'm going to hang myself from a tree. Great song from that movie, Peter Gabriel. Peter Gabriel. It's a fucking great song. Please sing it at the same time. Hold on. In your eyes. Your eyes.

Your eyes. Your eyes. In your eyes. In your eyes. In your eyes. You came in my eyes. You sound like an Irishman talking about butt sex. You came in my eyes You sound like an Irishman Talking about butt sex Who came in my eyes?

He came in my eyes Will we get demonetized? Turn it off, boss We're gonna get demonetized I thought you knew about podcasting Now he can't turn it off Rich, please Little legs

Stop I can't turn it off. French, please. It's little legs. Stop. What are you doing to me? The little legs. He was like this. He was like this. He was like, he went like this. Stop. You have good abs if you could do that so easily.

Whee! Oh, my God. That's not you. Your face isn't even looking up. That's a different person. That is. What did you put in there during the pandemic? What did COVID?

Are you holding it in there? 10 pounds times what? No, I don't think it's too fat. No, it's a good belly. It's not. You guys have very similar show. No. What?

How dare you? How dare you? Coming to my home studio? God, I wish I had the taser. Can you grab the taser so I can tase you, please? Is it bad? Is it bad? In his head it is.

Yeah. We all have a bad heart. Every comedian is like, it's going to stop right now. I can feel it. We're all panicked about it. I'm sorry. I forget to. Were you talking in the coffee cup like it was a mic?

Probably. Probably. Go back to the tape. Oh, my God. Hey, you're a Korn fan? Yeah, I love Korn. If I could find it, because I don't know anything about Korn, I have a CD signed

by them. Would you want it? No way! I'd love that! Remind me tonight or tomorrow to look for it. I'm pretty sure I know where it is. Oh, that's so cool! I love Korn. My grandmother... It's either signed by the lead singer... Jonathan Davis? Yeah. I did radio with him once.

Brian Head Welch. Fieldy. You know Rich MC'd Woodstock 99 Oh yeah I was in a Food tent with those guys Yeah They used to be in a documentary for 30 seconds

Did you see the three part documentary Yeah like I started Okay so I'm hosting One of the big stages And it's Saturday And I'm going Let's go wild Let's go crazy Yeah

You know One might come out Like Woody Allen Hangin' You know Dan Natterman Yeah Yeah

You know Why They really think I'm gonna park the cat You know Right With his wet lips All I'm doing is saying

Let's go wild Let's go crazy Yeah You know Have a good time Show your tits You know I said that to you

Did you? Wait hold on So You know In the dock You know Showing fires This and that

They cut to me Let's go wild Let's go Like And the catalyst For the event Richard Voss So the first day

Or one of the days I'm hosting Two girls Are on their Boyfriend's shoulders Right They have no shirts the days I'm hosting Two girls are on their boyfriend's shoulders Right? And they have no shirts on Nice And I'm going make out

Right? And they're starting to kiss And the crowd's going Yes I bring the band on Whoever And I go backstage I want to promote this

I swear to God I said Can you tone it down a little This is a family event I go Who? The Mansons? Yeah

They're fucking rolling in mud And doing fucking acid It's a family event I go who the Mansons They're fucking rolling in mud And doing fucking acid It's a family Because they were filming it for MTV or something Yeah But they didn't interview me For that three part documentary I was there I fucking hosted

The second biggest stage there The West Stage Did you introduce bands Some of them So you just did banter in between. Yeah. What was that like? It was cool. At one point, I was in front of like 60 or 70

thousand people. Oh my God. And I have the tape at home. I go at the count of three, I want everybody to yell, hello Jessica, hello Ellen, my daughters. And they all yelled, hello Jessica, hello Ellen. There's like 50, Jessica. Hello, Ellen, my daughters. And they all yelled, hello, Jessica. Hello, Ellen. They're like 50,000.

I want kids. Ethan, get in here. Next time you pull it out of your eye, ram it in your snitch. I can trick him and be like, this is my eye. It'll be my vagina. Put it in my lower eye.

Look at this, winking at me In your butthole It could never wink it's a gaping hole No it looks like Yes I thought you were saying that I was like you're a sweet boy No it's just a big gust I'm just going to lay in bed tonight

And I'm going to let go It touches his stomach It flops up I'm just going to lay in bed tonight And I'm going to let go It touches his stomach? It flops up Flop It's that big? You mean soft it touches your stomach? That's got to be eight inches No, it's not big

No It's the same size as yours You You guys are the same size dick Who would know? You legitimately I could draw all of your dick There is video of her

There is video of her when we were in that van In San Diego Going to kayak And I showed a picture and you go oh my god that's you And I was like yeah and then now On every episode you go you got a little dick I don't say you have a little dick I said the dick looks good but you were choking

The life out of it And a lot of life into it I have to hold it because otherwise it's like pressed against my belly. Just go in the bathroom, get it hard, and we'll look at it right now. It could have taken me an hour. Rich, take your shirt off again. You got a pill?

I do have a couple upstairs. Dick off! A good old-fashioned dick off. I got in trouble for one of those. I said two kids, tooth or dare. They said, dare. I said, go see, go see whose dick is bigger by jerking off in that shed. And then the parents wouldn't let me hang out with the other kids.

Where was this? I was young. In Ithaca. In Ithaca. Yeah. Every time I get upset or be like, this is like. Every time I'd be like. The rudest, most insane human. I remember Ithaca hippie woodshed grow up barnyard stove smell.

And I go, I accept her. What did you talk about my wife? She grew up on a farm. Me too. In Canada. Yeah. On a farm. Yeah.

With very few animals. Yeah. She had a fucking outhouse. Yeah. Jordan has one of my favorite jokes where she goes, uh, growing up, me and my sister would be so misbehaved and,

and crazy. And people go, what'd you grow up in a barn? And we go, actually, yeah, I never say that. Is that funny?

You said it the other day and I laughed so hard. Oh, okay. Yeah. It was great. True family. Yeah. It's crazy.

What'd you grow up in a barn? Actually. He's so used to it. The other day I was just eating his coal saw off his plate like this into his back. And Taylor was like, why isn't he? And I was like, he's just used to it. It's crazy. What, did you go up in a bar? He's so used to it. The other day, I was just eating his coleslaw off his plate like this into his mouth. And Taylor was like, why isn't he? And I was like, he's just used to it. It was crazy. I was going under your elbow and stuffing it in my mouth.

He's like, eh. Turning the plate towards me. We went camping together. Wasn't that fun? Rachel Feinstein one time. You were there. The best. No, what?

Yes, you were. You were sitting across from me. I'll never forget this. Are we going to ignore that I said we went camping? Where? You were sitting across from me at the cellar. Yeah. Are we going to ignore that I said we went camping? Where? You were sitting across from me at the cellar. Yeah. And then, this is what happens to me all the time.

And then Rachel Feinstein ate a meal. It's Feinstein. Oh, yeah, I remember. Feinstein ate a meal. And left a lot of it. Left a lot of it and then left. And I started eating it and Rich looks at me and I'm like, you will never repeat that this happened.

This has happened with you. This has happened with Kurt Metzger. This has happened with Chris Rock. Oh, Kurt Metzger. This has happened with Chris Rock. Kurt Metzger's friend who I didn't know. It has happened so many times. You know who does, who Ari will just, if you leave someone, Ari will eat it.

Hippie. We're both hippies. Wait, what happened with Chris and you? Oh, she ate food and brought it. I sat down and started eating fries and then he came over and sat next to me and I was like oh fuck I'm eating Chris's fries and I was like he was like hey and sat down. First time meeting him and I was like hi

these are not my fries and he goes oh okay and then started eating them with me and then we had a long talk. Wow. Two things on your bio. Gas digital and I ate fries with Chris. Shared fries. I would say shared. Shared.

That's even better. I know. We went to the woods. Yes. And had so much. Fun. And we rode. Each other.

You had sex? No. Yeah. No. Did you? Well, I rode a horse. You guys rode horses? That was a lot like me.

We rode horses. I got really scared. She got scared scared Her horse was So full of anxiety and nervous Like her My horse was just ready to rip it and run it Why didn't they just switch our horses? Because I was stuck between your horse

Running up my ass and that lady not moving And I was stuck and my horse was freaking out Have you ever ridden horses? No but there was a comic that had the best christopher reeves joke is that the guy who yeah yeah what was it i was in a store and i ran into christopher reeves and i'm like how you doing it's good to see you uh you know you're the great and he wouldn't answer me and then i realized it was a vacuum oh my god that is so funny who is that i don't know oh shit that is so funny oh my god oh that's amazing i don't know who's that's so good oh that's incredible i love that that's

awesome christopher reeves is the was superman or christopher reeves is the I do not talk about? No, he was Superman. Okay, Superman. You were thinking about Stephen Hawking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's a joke. A horse walks into a bar. You say, Jordan, get out. Oh, I thought you were Jordan.

And the bartender says, why such a long face? Yeah. He goes, I just found out I have AIDS. Nice. That was in a magazine. I don't know. Did you hear the proctologist joke? No. That's a good one.

Guy goes in for his first prostate check. So the doctor says, I know this is your first prostate check. I'm going to put two fingers in your ass, twirl it around, try not to get hard, Tom. The guy goes, my name's not tom and the doctor said i was talking to myself that's awesome that's awesome my favorite street joke is mark cohen

you know mark cohen he used to he lived with my wife for five years before i got married they were dating that's my wife's ex-boyfriend. No way. Oh, I like Mark. I love him. I'll tell you a funny story about Mark. Okay. Go ahead. You tell me the joke. The street joke is a cop came up to my house and rang the doorbell.

I opened it and he was like, hey, we're looking for a local. We're looking for a rapist in the area. So I was like, all right, I'll get my coat. All right. Got it? Yeah, it's funny. So Mark used to host The new version of Make Me Laugh

Then we did I did it a couple times And we did a couple road shows And it was me, Mark And I think Joey Vega And all the So we're doing a road show

And he's so depressed I go, what's wrong? He goes, me and my girlfriend just broke up. I go, listen, man, I've been divorced. Give it time. You'll get through it. And the next time he saw me,

I was married to her. Oh my God. You didn't know that was her? That's amazing. That reads like a street joke. That's incredible. That's amazing That reads like a street joke That's incredible That's awesome That's amazing

I got so many Mark Cohen stories from Bonnie Yes Can I tell you a funny one? Yeah We want to have him on the pod He's such a character Oh yeah he is I like Mark

I don't think I'll do the Rio again Because the hotel is just It was voted the worst It is the worst You know the very first time I went there, I had to leave, I had to change rooms because there was blood smeared all over my dresser.

That was blood. That was so fun. We got there together. Yeah. And look at the snail. I said I'm only going if Ian goes. It wasn't a coincidence. Oh. Yeah. And I said I'm only doing this if you do it Yeah

So This is This is as sickening as anything So It's called It's called Affection Relationship maintenance

And you have to do it When you're mean to each other a lot You have to say I still love you I still love you Even though I think You are doing inappropriate things in the upstairs in that bedroom.

It's like fucking bootleg Marx Brothers. So Bonnie had a cat, you know, and the cat got old and sick and he had to be put to sleep and she couldn't do it.

So Mark took her cat and had to put to sleep. And two weeks later was Bonnie's birthday. He took the dead cat. Bonnie goes, you didn't get me anything for my birthday. He goes, I put your cat to sleep, didn't I? Yeah. I paid for that. Yeah.

That is a Mark thing. That is a Mark thing. Yeah. I was just thinking it's weird that we, I tweeted this. I was like, it's fucked up that we have to outlive our parents. You know what I mean? I'm like, you made me. You watch me die, bitch.

You know what I mean? No, that's the worst. I know, because you're a parent. What? But I hate seeing my mom getting old. I'm like, this isn't, but you raised me. You should have to watch me die. Finish what you started, bitch.

No, it's a circle of life. They change your diapers. You change theirs. I know. She is getting tiny like a little baby. It's what it is. Well, this is starting to peter out. Hey, so let's go upstairs and look at your girl's new pigtails.

Yeah. Is she here? No, that's Ethan's little ass. Have you ever thought about not having a goatee? I was going to shave it because my granddaughter won't let me hold her yet. She's scared.

She sees you. I don't know. My daughters. So I was thinking of shaving it because maybe that's what scares her. And not just like everything about you. Well, I mean, you know, Jesus.

Well, you have a lot of rings and tattoos. How old is she? About one and a half, I think. And when you hold her, she goes, she won't let me hold her, but she's starting to let me play with her now. Can't you just force it? Yeah, that's a good way not to scare her in life. Isn't she small

enough you can just... Yeah, can't you smother her until she just goes to sleep? That's what I do with my children and men and everybody in my life. Hello. Why should I? If I shaved, I'd look a lot younger. Let's do it right now in the pod

No I can't do it now Why? Because this isn't a big enough podcast Do you look younger? Why do you keep it? I would shave it on Rogan's but not here Yeah Here we go Rogan watches every episode

I would shave it on Joe Liss but not here I was just going to thank you for not mentioning other New York podcasts. You fucking hit us with that. Come on, shave it. When was the last time you had it shaved? I don't know. 20 years ago. If you shave your face right now, I'll shave my mustache.

I've never seen him without the mustache. Voss, you should do it. This is way bigger. This is way? I've never seen it without the mustache. Voss, you should do it. This is way bigger. This is what? I've never seen him without the mustache, and I think he's really scary. First of all. He's scary under there?

I couldn't shave it without electric, and then I'd have to shave it. I'll tell you what. Without what? Next time I come in, I'll do it next time. Okay. All right. Oh, boy.

Because you need your own thing. What's that? You can't use his balls razor. I have a different next time. Okay. All right. Oh, boy. Because you need your own thing. What's that? You can't use his balls razor. I have a different razor for my balls. I do my face. Are you guys plugging Manscaped 2? I was just going to say. What do you look like under there?

I don't like my top lip. He's got a Stacy Keach lip. Oh, my God. You're a whole different person under there. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I think you might be a whole different person. You got to take it off so I can see. That'd be great if you take it off.

I'll never know you fully until you take it off. That'd be great if- No, I can't be your best friend if I don't know what you look like. Take it off. No, no. How am I supposed to, this is alienating to me. What?

That's manipulative. One time my dad shaved off his mustache and my sister goes, where's your mustache? Because she had never seen it. And he goes, I put it in the toilet. She was in the toilet gathering the little scraps. Dude, my dad shaved his mustache and he came downstairs

or no, he shaved his beard and I started crying. I've broken up with guys for haircuts because I'm like, I don't know you. I remember when my dad shaved his balls, I was like, why? Why? I love tugging on those guys. Those were my things. That's what I held on to when you were fucking me.

I remember when he used to say, too much teeth. And I would say, listen, you're too critical of me. I do good in school. So much better than my brother I'm hard I could do fucking your dad jokes all day As soon as the dad dies You really can talk about fucking him a lot It's the best Don't you think you shouldn't?

To preserve his memory? What if he was alive and saw me do a bit where I'm like, I'd fuck my dad. Yeah, you could laugh about it. But now you're like besmirching the name of the dead. Well, my aunt and uncle, I was in Florida working, and I didn't know they were an audience, and I used to do a bit.

Oh, no. So I'm having sex with my grandmother. Oh, my God. I go, calm down. She thinks I'm having sex with my grandmother. Oh, my God. I go, calm down. She thinks I'm watching her. Right? That's awesome. And it was her mother. She was my aunt's mother.

She's in the world. I didn't know she was in the world. And what, did she do anything? They came after me after the show, and I go, oh, my God. I would kill myself. Yeah, that's happened to me. That's horrible. That has happened to me. I thought my sister was at a show and I trashed her.

Like I was just doing all these new jokes about her. I had just seen her. We had been in a fight. Yeah, what does she think when you're like, my sister's a big fat cunt? She's not fat. I said she's hot and she's slutty and hot. Yeah, but you're like, she's a whore. She's a cunt.

She's hot. She's mine. No? She doesn't mind. I've run everything by her. I've run everything by my mom when I trash talk them. My dad's dead, so I say that he was. Wait, is your sister hot?

Yeah. Older or younger? Older. Married? Nope. Recently divorced. Low self-esteem? Very.

Great. I know. I'll hook you guys up. Tattoos? Yep. Damaged? Really? Yep.

Dead dad. She's got like a tiger like this here. That's it. Is she hot for a white person? Yeah. She's beautiful. She's beautiful. I'll pull up a picture of her.

I'm going to pull up a picture of my sister. I've seen her. She's, you know. What? She's in Ithaca 7. No. She's definitely in Ithaca 10. She's in New York 7.

If you fucking are using that in Abacus. This is my mom. I don't even know what that 10. She's in New York 7. If you fucking are using an abacus. This is my mom. I don't even know what that means. She looks like you. Oh, wow. I loved her in Billy Jack. I know. She's the best.

Billy Jack. You never saw the movies Billy Jack? Uh-uh. Then you won't get to. No. You just agreed with me. Yeah, I go with the bit. I like her.

She's smart. Okay. Let me see your sister. Show them Jamie. I got agreed with him. Yeah, I go with the bit. I like her. She's smart. Okay. Let me see your sister. Show them Jamie. I gotta find her. Talk amongst yourselves. Go to the bus station. Woo! Yes! Is that where whores go?

Yeah! Now I know where to lower it. I'm one of your best guests ever. That's true. That's a nice thing to think. Holy fuck is this a jet for you guys. I know, we begged you for months. When did this come out?

We did ask you, and you said no until it benefited yourself and then you hit us up. Wait, didn't I say something about my daughter? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here she is. It's hard for me to do these because I'm an hour from the city. So I don't know Brooklyn or Queens.

I don't know. Manhattan's a lot easier. Hold on. That's my beautiful niece, too. She's very lot easier. Hold on. That's my beautiful niece, too. Let me see. That's my perfect niece. What a beautiful picture. Yes.

Do you want to see her? She's pretty. I know. Let me see. She's very pretty. That's her. You'll like that. Look at that.

Ripped. Oh, yeah. She's fucking amazing. Yeah, she'll crush your dick. She'll crush my dick. Yeah, she'll crush it right in half. Whoa, she's got better abs than yeah. She's fucking, yeah. She'll crush your dick. She'll crush my dick. Yeah, she'll crush it right in half. Whoa, she's got better abs than Rich. She's got a V.

Yeah, she's a CrossFit. Whoa. No, she's a personal trainer. She's a CrossFitter? She does CrossFit. What's the bad thing that people do in real estate? Abs are made in the kitchen. Oh, she's cute.

I know. Abs are made in the kitchen. Now I got to get. I know. Abs are made in the kitchen. Now I got to get booked in Ithaca. Oh, wait, I'm married. Have you and Bonnie ever talked about opening it up? Our fucking pool for the summer. Yeah.

See, they love each other. They don't even have an open thing. What do you? Bonnie said I can date anybody over 60. Nice. That's good. That's amazing. Bonnie said one time,

I don't mind you sitting talking with girls and flirting with them. If I see you laughing, I'll break her fucking arm. Whoa, yeah. I would rather a girl cheat on me than laugh and enjoy someone else. If I see you laughing I'll break her fucking arm Whoa yeah I feel the same way I would rather a girl cheat on me than laugh and enjoy someone else Yeah I'll kill myself

If I'm dating somebody and they show me another woman's clip I'm like oh It's over Fuck you It's crazy It got 8 million views Where are you from? If I'm hooking up with a girl and she's like,

I think Matt Rife's so funny, I will fucking knock her teeth out. Can you see if there's something on this cake? Laura Peek has an amazing video of her pretending to go through a breakup. And she's like, oh. And she's a hilarious comic in LA. And she's like, oh, is she funnier? Is she she sillier than me does she do things like and she like does all these insane faces i'm like that is how comedians are as soon as a guy's like i met somebody i'm

like yeah just does she make you laugh and if he says yes it's over for me i'm in a depression for six weeks oh yeah that's the best would that's the main thing in my my wife makes me laugh so much yeah you know i mean fuck like what the fuck come home to a dentist yeah yeah a lot of comics end up with women in there you know i've talked to so many comics and they're like yeah my wife it's a different dynamic and i'm like i know what that means i know a different dynamic it means what's it mean it means it's bad and i'm making the right decisions with my life. That's what it means. Yeah, I wasn't asking you to be defensive.

I was legit wondering. Well, it means that they go home and they're like, hi, and they have a sweet thing together, but they don't walk in and say the N-word. Are you kidding me? I could drive... What?

You can't drive home with a dentist and both of you, you know, fucking smash, you know, so-and-so's horribleness on stage or calling somebody a fraud or whatever. Oh, they stink. I like them, but they stink.

They're my best friend, but boy. Oh, God. Jesus. I mean, especially to Bonnie And also to Who knows comedy and the history You know I couldn't be with a girl

On a comic Oh man Sam Kenison was funny Who's that oh goodbye I want somebody to know Comedy You know what I mean love it like I do I love the whole history of comedy I want somebody who know comedy yeah you know what i mean love it like i do i love doing i love the whole history of comedy joke yes you know what i mean like if they're like well why did you say

that at the end of that and i'm like yeah how do you not understand that's happened a bunch or if they're like this like your mom didn't really say that and i'm like i will curb stomp you immediately it's crazy and me and bonnie both get mad when we have friends or someone that we get into the show for free and doesn't come up after and go, great show. Yeah. If they don't, you know, and you know you kill. I mean, I'm not going to fail on stage. She's not going to fail.

You know you do well. If you got them in free, at least come up and go, you know what I mean? Yeah. No one infuriates me when you go, yeah, I'll get you in. And they go, well, when do you get on? Oh, yeah. Like they don't want to. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm friends with the people on the show. Dickhead fucking support the whole thing. When I was first coming up, when I was first headlining and my swaths of family, huge 10 people groups would be like, can you put us on a list? And I'm like, Hey, I need to make tick. I need to show that I can sell. And you are part of the group and you have a bunch of money. You're a grown man. I hated that. My friends all the time. Yeah. Hey, well, people, I can sell and you are part of the group and you have a bunch of money. You're a grown man. I hated that. My friends all the time. Yeah.

Hey, well, people, I guess it's a lot different with me cause I'm, uh, such a big act. Uh, yeah,

yeah. Big, well, people don't know what people do. They try to get fat. I'm so bad. They paper my family. They try to get calm. Thank you.

They try to get calm. So they look big in front of their friends. Hey, I got us comped. You know what I mean? Especially like in Vegas. If you work in Vegas, don't worry, I can get us comped. You know what I mean? So it makes them look big. Even if it's not family, it's just friends.

That's why I don't have any family. I wish there was just a I want them to buy tickets Because the comps Last time I did a show at Comedy Fort And I was like can I comp these people And they were like yeah I don't know What that means for your sell out bonus

And I was like what the hell Comedy Fort But just sometimes there are things like that Where I'm like just buy the ticket I'll Venmo you I was working a club I think I know this story No you don't But just sometimes there are things like that where I'm like, just buy the ticket. I'll pay. I'll Venmo you. I was working a club. I think I know this story.

No, you don't. No, I'll tell you if you you could tell that story because I don't care any story. But this story is I was working a club and I had a five hundred dollar bonus at a certain amount of people. I know this story. And I go. How many people I miss bonus by the guy goes ten people. I go, how much are tickets The guy goes, 10 people. I go, how much are tickets? He goes, 20 a piece. I go, I'll buy those 200 bucks so I make $300 bonus.

And I don't work the club anymore. But I don't give a fuck. Is that the story you know? Did I tell you that? Someone else did. I know comics that do that. They'll buy the last one. I'll really sell out. First of fuck it. They'll buy the last one. Well, it could be. Oh, really? Sell out?

First of all, I'll tell you the best story. Yes. Before I... So I used... And I used to work fucking a club in Denver. Uh-huh. I worked there the first time, which we did, I guess, decent numbers. Second time I'm in, the owner's not even there.

It's Halloween weekend. There's a guy in the audience in blackface. What? That was me. It was a weird time. It was probably 10 years ago. Whatever. Back when it was still cool. Anyhow, she says

to my manager at the time, oh, he did a lot of crowd work. First of all, she wasn't there. Second of all, now, he did a lot of crowd work. First of all, she wasn't there. Second of all... Yeah, now they're like only do crowd work. Second of all, she just said that because the numbers were low. Of course they were. It's Halloween weekend. The second worst weekend in comedy.

What's the first worst? Probably Easter weekend. Do you think Super Bowl weekend's bad? It depends where you're at. I did that in San Diego and I'm nervous. So it depends. Women will come out. So anyhow. So she stopped using me, right? Yeah. No big deal. So I'm headlining a funny

bone. I guess Syracuse or whatever. And the middle act is from Denver. Older guy. I think he passed, but he's a very funny, great writer. And he's opening for me and I'm fucking killing doing ever. And he goes, how come you don't work? I go, well, I don't work there.

She doesn't use me. He goes, well, I do a podcast with her. I'll talk to her. Right. So I emailed her. I go, Hey, look, let, let the bygones be bygones. Let's start fresh and bygones, not by guys. Whatever.

I go, you know, see if we can work something out. And she never got back to me. So I waited like three weeks and I wrote to her. I go, by your lack of response, it looks like you want to move forward. Here's my available date. Nice. Right? And she never got back to me again.

And I wrote to her to go, hey, look, I don't want to push it, but can I bring my own middle? Oh, my God. That's awesome. And she never got back to me. That's awesome. Then there was a guy who's a major asshole, no comment. I'm talking on the phone. He goes, I don't think you're right for my room. I go, there's no room I can't do. Yeah.

I don't care if it's alternative. I don't care if it's a knife fight. I know how to do it. Then he sits me on the phone. He goes, well, I have used magic acts. I go, did you just compare me to a magic act? What the fuck? Oh, my God. And my wife's in the car fuming. Yeah.

So I email him a couple of weeks. He just gives me to run around. You should have said, hey, I'm a magic act. I think I know. I'll make my dick disappear down your throat. Can I guess where this is? Yes. Oh, my God. Wait, hey, I'm a magic act. Abracadabra, I'll make my dick disappear down your throat. Can I guess where this is? Yes. Oh, my God.

Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. The attic. Oh. The only reason I guess that is literally just the vibe of this dude. That's crazy. I should have said, abracadabra, I'll make your dick disappear in your ass. Not the new attic in Columbus.

Very good. Very good. And they have this guy. So then I text the guy I go look I go look I want to work your club But I don't like you So the week you bring me in Can you not show up

And he wrote back He goes I'm fine So I'll take that as a maybe. Oh my God. Wait, you said, Oh, that's amazing. That guy, he yelled at my feature And I get real

I was late and therefore Jake was like 15 minutes late And he flipped out on Jake And I dude I cannot stand when people And then stayed in the green room the entire time Like if you're going to freak out at somebody You then have to leave and give us this bit You can't just stay there and make us sit with you

So weird In San Diego, what a fucking asshole. What club? All right, I'm there in February. Is it the same club? I think so, yeah. Oh, okay.

How do you know? The woman's fantastic. Oh, maybe it's a different club. And I've never had a problem with a guy. I'll tell you the truth. Well, he... Thursday night. But it's like...

Whatever. But, you know... Please buy tickets. I'll be there. It's fine. Oh, no, no. I don't mean a guy. I'll tell you the truth. Thursday night. It's like, whatever. Please buy tickets. I'll be there. It's fun. Oh, no, no. I don't mean that guy. I mean a different guy. Oh, yeah. The bad guy. It's so funny. Clubs that don't use you are assholes. But there are great club owners. Corey in Rhode

Island is one of the best guys. Corey in Rhode Island is fantastic. Mark in Rochester. Great. Yes. Wendy in Denver. No, that's who I sent those emails to. No.

Oh, my God. I love her. She's so sweet. Lucy in Nashville, the fucking best. I wish she was at every fucking club. What about Molly? I like Molly. She's hot. Molly from I like Molly She's hot

Molly from San Francisco? She's hot Yeah, I like her I want to Molly's wonderful Yeah, I like her No, I like Dino Uncle Vinny's

Unbelievable, that man Literally just like Here's your cash Pick it up And you're like, huh? Just a lot of them That are really cool You know who I get a kick out of?

Jimmy from He's one of my favorites Jimmy's great Yeah there's great club owners Jimmy's great Just a full suit I'm surprised they didn't say him right up front You know who's the best?

Nick from Hilarities Nick! Always make sure you eat Can you say two more clubs that don't use me anymore? Also too, when I was doing those clubs It was big money And I was more aggressive then, I think Than I am now

You have a habit of shooting yourself in the old foot, huh Richie? No, I'm booked till next summer almost Okay I'm so relevant in this fucking business How are you Because you're the fucking legend Getting roasted by Rich Voss is one of the greatest rites of passages in comedy Truth

How is it what Thank you, you're right How are you harder then? More swearing, more No, probably dirtier Yeah Probably more crowd work than Oh, okay Listen, I can do an more crowd work than Oh, okay

Listen, I could do an hour crowd I don't even have to do Yeah, so fun But I also And I got seven albums They're not crowd work It's material Yeah

So, yes It's fun to fuck around Here's the thing Comedy You could light the waitstaff on fire If you sell out They don't give a fuck what you do yeah it's all numbers now yeah it's not it's no how many club owners very seldom like the ones

we mentioned yes we'll come up and go that was funny good set yeah you know cory will do it jimmy you know mark you know yeah whatever nick doesn't i i guess i did crowd work when i was at nick's place In Hilarities Years ago But it's years But these people don't know I have more credit I can look at

Ten of their fucking acts in a row And I have more credits Than all of them put together Yeah And I'm better than everyone But that's Boom I'm telling you

I want But I'm not saying To like myself But I also get I want you to like yourself too. I also get that there's new comics coming up. It's numbers. You know?

And if I were a club owner, I would hire you in a second. Really? Thank you. He was talking to me. And I would have you bring him as an opener. Hey. Yes? Where's my cane? I'm going opener. As an opener. Hey. Yes? Where's my cane?

I'm going up. Yeah. You're like Josh Blue. He's a great comic. Yeah, he was in the dressing room with Hacky Sack. He came out, you're on, he got all crooked. Yeah. That's an act.

That was an act. Guy's playing Hacky S sack in the dressing room. Get crooked. You're on. It's like Jocelyn Chia in her accent. As soon as she's off stage, she's like, all right, well, it's fine. Can we name the episode Get Crooked? That's so fucking funny.

That's the name of my game. All right. That's the show. That was amazing. Rich, you're the fucking best. Thanks for having me. Thank you so much. Oh, plugs.

Yes. We're doing it. Hit them up. What do you want the people to see? Talk into the camera. Thank you so much. Oh, plugs. Yes. We're doing it. Hit them up. What do you want the people to see? Talk to the camera. Talk to the people. On the 26th, my special comes out. Go to YouTube slash Rich Voss or richvoss.com.

My Wife Hates Me podcast. We're starting back up this week. We took the summer off to move into our big house. Do you have separate living rooms? Insane. Two living rooms. Unbelievable. One's a TV room and the other one's my Victorian room. I mean, her bedroom is amazing.

It's gigantic, her bedroom. She also has a sewing room. She has her own bedroom? We both have our own bedroom because I snore and I come in late. Oh, I snore so bad. So, I mean, you've got to see the size of her. Sometimes you sleep in the same bed. What's that? Sometimes you sleep in the same bed. Well, she's gone. I'll maybe sleep in her bed.

Yeah, the same. Together? Like, kind of. Look at you. Is that perverted? Is that perverted? Look at you with your dreams. Do you have sex and then say goodnight and go to your own room? When you have sex. Do we have sex? Once every 10 years when you have sex?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when it happens, do you kiss each other good night and then go to your? No, I will kiss each other and say good night. Oh, like a pack like it's where it's my grandmother. Yeah. Are we plugging or what? So go to next next. I'm just looking into my

future. I love each other. September 26. My special And my wife hates me Podcasts everywhere podcasts are at Is going back up It'll be up on I think Friday Or whatever just fucking I don't care what the fuck

It's gonna be awesome Gas digital youtube.com Slash rich Voss Go to rich Voss.com for my club appearances. I'll be at fucking the comedy works in Saratoga this weekend. I got to bring my own curtain of clubs so I can curtain off the second row so it looks full. Yeah.

I stink. Oh, I suck. A minute ago she goes, I wish I could love myself as much as he does. My own curtain is so funny. Okay. I'm going to be at Levity Live.

I'm going to be at Zany's in Rosemont, October 13th, 14th. I'm going to be at Go Bananas the 19th to the 21st. Oh, new joke show in L.A. on the 9th at the Comedy Store. And then headlining at The Stand on November 3rd. Wise Guys, November 10th and 11th. Great. IanFodance.com for all my dates. Oh, boy.

Can't wait. Doing a Don't Tell Friday, October 6th. The location will be announced soon. Oh, boy. October 12th and 13th. The location will be announced soon. Oh boy. October 12th and 13th. We're at the 10,000 Lamps Comedy Festival doing a live podcast. Now I'm headlining the Sisyphus two shows

Friday, October 13th. And then the 20th to the 21st Port City Comedy Club in Baltimore, Maryland. And November 3rd, Amityville music hall, Ian finance.com. Got a bunch of shit coming up in the new year, Philly, San Diego,

Sacramento, Portland, Tampa, fucking come on out. Let's have some fun. Patreon.com slash B and E and pod. We love you. Thank you for tuning in and,

we'll see you next time. Do you guys want to look up from your phones or should we? Oh, sorry. I think I'm going to miss my next one. No, go, go,

go. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore