Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 063: Fair is Fair W/ Jared Freid

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Okay. Ready? Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Be It Ian with Jordan. We're doing plugs up top because we need you guys to see where we're going so that you can buy tickets. I will go first. Yes, you will.

Yes, I'm October 6th. That weekend, I'm at Levity Live West Nyack. And then I got the 10,000 Last Comedy Festival for one day in Minneapolis, October 12th. We're doing a live B&E and podcast. Then that weekend, I'm at Zany's Rosemont, Chicago. Rosemont, but near Chicago. And then I have Go Bananas in Cincinnati. And where can they get tickets? JordanJensenComedy.com. That was great. Thank you so much. Jordan Jensen comedy.com That was great Thank you so much IanFidance.com for all my dates Like Jordan said we're doing a live B&E with Jordan October 11th October 12th

In Minneapolis Minnesota 10,000 laughs comedy festival October 13th I'm headlining two shows at the Sisyphus Theater In Minneapolis And then the following weekend When's that? October 13th Friday the following weekend. When's that? October 13th, Friday.

The following weekend, Port City Comedy Club, Baltimore. And November 3rd, Long Island Amityville Music Hall, IanFidance.com. Got a ton of stuff in the new year too. Philly, check it out. Awesome. Jared, Patreon.com slash P&E and Pod.

It's a good time. Jared, Freed, our guest. Thank you for having me. Go ahead with your plugs. Oh, I gotta go. Plugs before they know me. Yes. Everybody knows you. Well, listen, sometimes I feel like you go, podcasts you go onto someone's island

and you meet their people. Do you want to plug at the end? I could do it now. I mean, Seattle, Charlotte, Philly, Syracuse, D.C., Baltimore, Dania Beach, Portland, Phoenix, San Diego, Boston, Chicago. Those are all dates. You did it so much better than us. Yeah, you did.

I just say the names of the places. If they hear them, then maybe there's something that's them in their brain. I don't know. I've been listening more. Baltimore, Philly, San Francisco, Sacramento, Seattle. You already did it. You lost your turn. Well, you got to figure out, you know, what works for your show.

Maybe people just, I don't know how people operate with that stuff. I listen to podcasts, but I don't listen to any podcasts that are like, we're going to be live. I think this is, we do kind of a different thing than most places do i know we just i just always forget and then at the end of the episode people come out from the show and then other people would be like hey i didn't know and i'm like fuck i know i hate when i do a weekend and then the second i'm done there i get a comment being like when are you coming to philly i'm like what the fuck and then you'll get those the other side of it you'll get get a comment being like, when are you coming to Philly? I'm like, what the fuck? And then you'll get those, the other side of it, you'll get the people

that'll be like, I'm on your website. When are you coming? Like there are people like looking at your website. Like, and that's probably the person you want most at your show. The one that doesn't have to be told like, Boston, I'm coming! Oh my goodness, God, I need to pay rent! And then they're like, okay. I always just say like rent you know like yeah you know and then they're like okay i always just say like you know the show you know we work on a different thing than this this is all our own personal network to get directly to you to let you know we're coming so i think for a podcast audience it's got to be like months ahead like i don't think a lot of people are like week of like

what i think you gotta just just like, I always. Months ahead, like January 4th to 6th, I'll be in Philly at the punchline. Big room. Big room. Come on out. Well,

you just want people to get there, you know, and the other thing is the hardest part is that you have people that are listening that like,

hey, listen, you have to be the kind of the person, bring your friends and like friends, right? We work on this thing every night

to make it great you're gonna like it if you like this podcast you're gonna like the live show like it you're gonna love it right there you go and then if your friends have to trust you sorry sorry sorry sorry I feel like I'm in the way of what this show is no

okay so now that I know this is what the show is I got! Stay back. Okay. So now that I know this is what the show is. Ow! I got excited. I know you get too excited. I have knife and taser now. Yeah, we also have a knife. I am so happy

to be on this couch considering a taser. It's like when someone is like, what, you don't like it? And you're like, no, I don't want the BB gun around my eye.

Yeah, it's really, really aggravating. Yeah. I am sorry. I got excited. I know. We've talked about it. Your aggression.

Yeah. Okay. He gets excited. It's okay. He's speaking of the ick. You're the walking ick. You're one big walking ick, aren't you? With your Fred Durst ass.

You know what I've been told? I've been told that I surpass ick. You're one big walking ick, aren't you? With your Fred Durst ass. You know what I've been told? I've been told that I surpass icks and then things I do become a new ick. If that makes sense. So you do an ick enough that it becomes

something else. I invoke icks that they didn't even know existed prior to meeting me. Those are probably the best icks. Those are the existed prior to meeting me. But those are probably the best X. Those are the most fun to talk about. Yeah. Like he says, whatchamacallit.

Whatchamacallit. It's, it's the biggest dick I think he has in my opinion. Well, that's like a, like I'll forget what he's saying. And I'll be like, uh,

whatchamacallit. It's more like a tick. It does more ticky. January 4th to 6th. Does it haunt you? Theick thing? Do people say it to you all the time? I don't mind it. I think it's like I like the fun of it when it's like the right, like when someone's like, oh, I just

had another ick. I'm like, yeah. I don't like when, like I can always tell when an ick is like done with good energy. Sometimes someone will be like, I got an ick and it's like, I think you're just miserable. Like I can always tell when someone's just like trying to be

mean to someone rather than like it has to be like a sneeze. It's gonna be natural. Yeah, but I think the ick is horrible and indicative of like... That was good. Thank you. Nice. Nice.

Just our knuckle hair. That's someone. Thank you. Nice. Touch. Just our knuckle hair. Touch. Yes. That's someone's ick. Someone doesn't want to fuck you both from that. Oh, yeah. From that interaction. Yeah. Yeah.

Even that. Oh, no. You don't like the ick? No. I think it's insane that some action someone can take just living their life can be such a turnoff for someone else by just existing that the person is like, oh, no, never mind. You're not empathizing with why someone gets the ick, though, in that scenario. You're not saying you're not watching someone swim. No, but you're not.

That's going to turn you off of someone forever. You're mentally ill. Well, that's going to turn someone off when they've been put in the position of, hey, you're too picky. Go out with them. They check a lot of boxes. They're my friend. So now you're out on a date with someone. You're out with someone that you've been kind of like nudged into going on a date with.

And then you get there. That's what I call a date rape. What? Because you don't want to go. These are direct. You guys go in directions. This is like the taser direction. There's tasers on both sides of all the conversations.

You're like, yeah, I nudged you into a date. You're like, rape? You're like, yeah, I guess we're here now. I have to be agreeable to this horrific trigger warning section of the episode. Yeah. Would you like to hit her with the cane? No, she's got the taser. I'm going to stay away. As we've

seen in the show, cane beats taser. She will threaten with tase. I will hit with cane. Yeah, because you're less afraid of hurting her with the cane. And I'm afraid of stopping his weak, weak, weak heart. Right. I smoke. That's a big deal. Not a nick for me. No. Not a nick That's a big deal. Yeah. Not an ultimate.

No. You know what? Not an egg. You know what an egg is? My cigarette smoking. Yeah. But I would say that's more of like a turnoff. Like to me,

I won't go out with smokers is like a perfectly reasonable thing to be like, fuck you. It's a deal breaker. That's a deal breaker for me. I can't date guys with tiny little hands. That. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Those are good. Those are good. See, when someone says tiny hands, I always never know. I'm like, I don't know where I... I immediately picture Chris Elliott from Scary Movie 2. You got a big old hand. You got mints. You'll see a tiny hand.

It's kind of... I don't look for hands. That's like a... I guess because I'm not self-conscious. Girls love hands. I don't look for hands that's like a i guess because i'm not self-conscious girls love hands i don't look it on a guy like i would only look on things on a guy that i'd be self-conscious about i look at feet hands forearms feet hands forearms you know and um the feet thing women's feet i've never really had we have beautiful feet typically typically. But the men who love feet, I have no understanding of the fetish at all. Ick.

Ick for you. I've had my foot fucked. You've had your foot fucked? I really did not enjoy it. What connection do you have to it? Where do you go on the... If I like feet? No, if you're fucking him with your feet i didn't i wasn't fucking he

fucked my feet he fucked that's what i'm saying where were you on the bed or were you like this yeah or were you like that because i got a foot job like this one time when i was 14 what isn't an ab workout like what you just did like that was like pilates yeah but it'd be kind of hot I'm not into it but I can see pulling out yeah you're just imagining fucking flesh which sounds good what do you imagine

I mean you're not imagining particularly feet being good you're like I could imagine using something I guess that titty fucking is kind of that yeah you're just like using someone it's never the end game. Right. I guess not.

I don't know. Some people. If it's your thing, then it's your end game. Wow. Interesting. Right. Yeah. The final countdown.

I felt it was like we were having sex and then there was maybe foot in mouth. And I was like, this is weird. And then it was dick on foot. And I was like, what's going on with the dick on the foot? And then I was just kind of laying there, you know, like was it's a dick on a foot I guess I don't know in my mind if I was that guy I'd be like I would kind of whisper warn you know

you do like a I gotta you know I think the mouth on the foot was the whisper warn I think it was him being like I want to lick your feet would be my first that would be my whisper warn yeah but you do you just go into it because it's hotter. During sex, you just like you don't go. I would like to flip you over now.

Well, you wouldn't say it like that. Wouldn't you say like I did a weird thing the other day? Flip you over like wouldn't there be a what would you do? That's good. What did it? So I was like in this like right before sex in the midst of sex. I said something and then the guy I was having sex with went well fair is fair.

And then while he was having sex with me I was like can you say fair is fair? Fair is fair? Can you say fair is fair again? And then did you say unsheath your cock before you slide in me? He was like behind me and I was down.

There was something about him being like, like, I'm God. What the? It does sound very regal. Right? Yeah. The way you,

fair is fair. Well, sire, fair is fair. If you must. If I must put this cocketh in your buttocks. I realize now that that's how he was made. Fair is fair.

I am about to make cummies. That's how. If I shall come am about to make cummies. That's how. If I shall come, you shall come. Fair is fair in all in love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That does sound very regal. I realize now that he was thinking that, but I was thinking it was like fair is fair.

You thought it was more aggressive. What? But then when I heard it again. It's actually the most progressive thing he's ever done. Yeah. Equal rights for the both of us. Right. We both need to get turned on.

Fair is fair. But I was thinking of more of it's like fair. Fair is fair. Like, I don't know. Fair, the way it does. Accent really matters because the way you're saying it is very Buffalo Bill. Yeah, but fair is fair.

The way she's talking about it is if you're bartering for like a beaver pelt on the bridge. Look at your eyes. Right, right. Oh my God. It's crazy. That was insane.

The look you just gave. Yeah. Yeah, like I stole a beaver pelt, and now he's got to beat me with the pelt because fair is fair, girl. It's like that. I guess you can come now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's more of the perspective. I like that Ian and I went in a totally respectful way. It's like I've stolen this woman, and now I get to have sex with her. Fair is fair. Well, I untied you from the train tracks. You might as well let me out. Fair is fair.

You're in a hole in his basement. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, you know, you figured out his riddle. Yes. And he's like, fair is fair. I gave you this option. Yes. Or like, yeah, he caught me stealing something from his basement.

He comes down. I'm like, could I go, sir? And he's like well you stole something From my man Fair is fair Is the only thing that turns You on sexually Jordan Is some sort of like middle America

Dark damp night Guy in a Like a guy wearing You know Dickies But not ironically Fair is fair Have you seen

Hold on Before you put them fingers in me You better clean them dirty nails Right Have you seen the TikTok of the guy Goes you don't gotta call me But you can't call me Have you seen this guy On the boat talking with the guy goes you don't gotta call me an aunt but you can't call me an aunt have you

seen this guy yeah he's on the boat i think that's jordan's sexual fantasy he goes you can call me whatever you want but don't call me an aunt that's just like yeah it's become a meme but don't call me an aunt he goes you can call me whatever you want but don't call me that Just look him up I mean he's on the boat He's become this like big time meme I got a text in my group text That said Ian I love your new video

Right it's like this guy He's very much like He's very much on a lake He's like at Puddin Bay in Ohio Yeah He's wonderful. Yeah. This is to me

your sexual fantasy. I'm in a bad mood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can suck my dick just don't come back talking to my wife.

Like it would be that would be you getting warned by him. Yeah. Yeah. He's great. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He's a very middle America mullet. Loves the Browns. Goes to put in Bay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you mind it before I eat your pussy? I put a little bit of Old Bay on there.

Ferris Fair. Oh, my God. I felt so guilty. I was like, can you say fair is fair? And he was like, what? But then he probably didn't say it right. He probably said it in like the more respectful way. He was like, fair is fair. And I was like, he's like,

women should be allowed to vote too. Is that what you wanted? Oh my God. It's so funny that I thought of it the way that I thought of it and how different it is. Tone is everything. It shows like tone and accent. You know, like we went regal. Yeah. Like if Jordan wanted to do BDSM, she wouldn't say like, tie me up.

She'd be like, lasso me. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Round me up. Use that belt you got on sale at Walmart. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Hit my clip with the buckle. Get one of those sticky hand things that sticks to the wall. Hit me with that. Tell Carla not to come in. It'd be something like that. Oh, I'm about to come. Ring the dinner bell.

We're having spaghetti and ketchup. That's like the hottest dinner Jordan could ever have. Spaghetti and ketchup with a mountain too. Yeah. Just sex on a trampoline. That's my, that's like the hottest dinner Jordan could ever have Spaghetti and ketchup with a mountain tube Yeah Just sex on a trampoline That's the hottest thing I could do Whoa Right

That would be hard to find the rhythm You'd need me Man, trampolines are fun That would really get it going It's like soaking but with trash Yeah You know how Mormons soak and they have a spotter Yeah, yeah, yeah

It's like that But with white trash An above ground pool That would get you If Jordan wanted to have A natural birth She'd give Most people give birth In a tub

She'd do it in an above ground pool Yeah I'd do it in one of those Plastic disgusting beds Yeah yeah There's a You gotta catch it Floatable beer pong table

Going by Yeah Somebody's trying to noodle My baby Yeah Fish it out The placenta's out Get the ring of six packs Floatable beer pong table going by. Somebody's trying to noodle my baby. Fish it out. Get the ring of six packs. Pull it in.

Jordan. I like the smell of turtle. Just musty turtle. Upstate New York. Where did you grow up? Delaware. I knew that. Delaware. Delaware has like the Baltimore boat people

there's another video of a guy parking a boat I didn't even know these competitions existed boat parking there's so many things on a boat he parks good dude they park it well

He parks good I mean we've flicked a switch in her That we cannot turn off That's how my family talks My mom would be like did you put the dog out I have to put the dog out yet I have to go get the groceries yet See I don't think Jordan could be trusted

At like a Carhartt Like she'd be at that store just being like Oh my god, the man of my dreams just all left and right You should have seen me on the train last night with this gaffer looking guy who had like a fixie bike I was like, mmm boy and he was like, Jesus, and I was like, you got a carabiner

on there. The way to Jordan's heart is to get her a gift certificate to a store called Working Gear Cabela's. Whoa. Clean up our Jordan. We in a Cabela's. It's good. There's a certain smell.

See the way you go trash, the way you go trash, I go trash in like fishnets, pink French tip nails, tattoo of a jaguar down your thigh. Different, but same.

They went to high school together, but they didn't hang out. Or graduate. Yeah. Right. He touched her tit once, and she was like, stop. Same parking lot to have a cig. Yes. Yeah.

Same parking lot. Smoking corner. Oh, my God. Hanging out at the diner. Yeah. Oh, the diner. I love a diner. I had my after prom at a diner. We all did. Did you? Whoops. One prom. I went to a couple

proms. Really? Pretty popular. I crashed our prom. Did you? Yep. Did you go to prom? Yeah. Were you prom king? No. No? I don't think we even had that. I don't think we did either. I wore a pink tuxedo to my senior prom. Sports, friends, you know.

Pretty normal. Really? Normal guy? Yeah. It's not like I present too off the grid. How old were you when you lost your first... Let me guess. No, no, no. 18. That's very good. How old were you? 19. How old were you? 18. That's very good. How old were you? 19. How old were you?

18. Oh. Yep. 18. Minus seven. Maybe, I don't know. How old were you? You were 12, right?

14. 14. Oh, yeah. Wasn't the guy like 30 and his name was Rick? No. Is it very nice? Fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

14 was first blowjob. You're on the property Fares I got my period The same year I lost my virginity 15 Really? Yep

Wow Because I remember being like Now I put a tampon in Now I can have sex It's time It's time Yeah How old were you first time

Mouth stuff? 11 Why don't we We We We We We

Don't talk about that No Probably Probably like I think probably 14 11. Why don't we, we, we, we, we, we, we don't talk about that? No. Probably, probably like, I think probably 14. I think it moved pretty quick. I can't believe these topics haven't been covered on this podcast. They probably have. We don't have good brains. Every single time.

Every time we blow this, it's a reset. We have to look at Ethan and be like, have I told this? And he's like, nine times. Nine times. Right. I just feel like you guys would have started a podcast talking about, when did you lose your virginity? Is this a podcast?

Oh, no, in the first episode, she mentioned she fucked her stepbrother. And that, never mind. No. The thing with Aladdin. Aladdin? Jafar. Who's Jafar? Oh, that Jafar. Who's Jafar? Oh, that I jerked off to Jafar?

Yeah, she thinks that every girl has a rape fantasy because of Jafar from Aladdin. Jafar locked Jasmine up, put her in a hot outfit. Remember that? The red outfit, high ponytail, cucked Aladdin in the corner. He couldn't get to her. Jafar forced a kiss, spit what

looked exactly like cum onto her face. You have a vivid memory of this scene. This is crazy. Every woman watching is like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, you say things and think you're speaking for everyone. I have stood in front of audiences. Star Wars had the Jabba the Hutt thing, too.

Oh, yeah. Princess Leia was dressed up. Right. Oh, our equivalent is the Little Mermaid when Arielle is hot and she can't talk.

Right? Keep a, keep a hole in her face. Yeah. Got him. No voices. Just boobies. That was fucked up

when she couldn't talk. Yeah, it's all for, it's all for trapping. It's funny, like there's like a lot of people that have these like memory. I'm like, yeah, it was fucked up when she couldn't talk. Yeah, it's all for. I don't have these. It's funny. Like, there's like a lot of people that have these like memory. I'm like, yeah, it was just a fun movie, I guess. I don't know.

Maybe I didn't like, you know, I guess looking back, maybe this is. Right. Did you spill water? Good. Sorry. Jared, continue. What do you jerk off to? If you have to go to your spank bank in your brain?

Ooh. I don't know. Tell us your forbidden noughties. Fair is fair, boy. Fair is fair. As the podcast title has told people. I like big titty porn. Woo!

Like a big old titty. Big areola? Plus size, big tittyitty. Big areola? Plus size, big titty porn. Big areola? The areola never made a difference to me. Interesting. Yeah. Small or big, I just go, oh, that's what it is.

That's what dinner is. Wow. Yeah, never really thought. Lots to eat for dinner. I'm the same way, but with big asses. Not much of a titty, man. I like big ass, too. I like curves, so too. I like curves.

Yes. Good gym. Curves. Female gym. I've been doing Pilates. Pilates, people love it. Really awesome. When a woman is into Pilates,

if a woman does it more than twice a week, they are like an animal. They're up early, strong and every, and amazing small Twitch way. Yeah. I'm going to get to start a small Twitch way. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going tomorrow. Strong women. I mean like, it's always like the most like type a type. I'm not, I'm a monster. You're going to see,

you go to these classes, you're type triple a cause you need help. You're type AA cause you have an addiction problem. Wow. Yeah. It's true. I'm type AMAZE. That I'm even here right now.

And young Ethan is type A. You're type A. A. Anyway. We got gotta get this boy laid. Can you give him some advice? Oh my God, yes. This is what I want. Dress our boy. Yeah. Make him strong.

Look at him. Yeah, look at him. He needs to have sex. He's so cute. He looks like he's at a rave in 1992 England. I think the way he's at a rave in 1992 England I think the way he's dressed right now fits the area And the time we're in right now

He looks like a sweet dad in the 70s That's the look right now I'm 25 Yeah you're dressed age appropriately actually He's very handsome Look at his sweater he smells good They went to the attic of their parents house and cleaned it out Gen Z rips, dude.

They haven't figured out. Their level of... Listen to me. Our generation went like this with androgyny. They went, instead of being a man, I'm just going to be a full-blown girly man and that's okay. Gen Z is like, I'm literally going to be an amorphous David Bowie, which I love.

Yeah, but here's the thing. Harry Styles. I like that. Someone asked me about Harry Styles today, and I was like, I don't know what to say. I think he's the most confident guy there is alive. I like that, but I like it if you call it gender bending and not like, this is my identity, and you must have to respect that.

No, they don't do that. They're pretty mysterious about this whole thing. I think we're more. They aren't like that. You ever talk to like, we do it, but you ever talk to someone older and they're just obsessed with the gender thing and you're like, I have no thought

on it whatsoever. I'm just like, whatever is going on is going on. It does feel like Gen Z is just like a little bit more classy. They're classy, exactly. I do understand. Ian, I think that's like, what you're saying is kind of like the headline. Headline, I'm angry at everyone for fucking up my.

They're not like them. I don't think they're like that. Yeah. Yeah. They are like him where you're like, if you're like if you say to them like, yeah, well, he's gay. They'll be like and they'll kind of make you feel stupid because they're like hack. You're like they're like hacky as opposed to our generation. That's like, what does it matter?

Right. What does it matter? There's they're just like, I don't care. How old is that? Michaela's little brother. So hot. So hot. has sex with men and women so masculine in some ways but so feminine

when he's talking to you Sounds kind of like someone we know You're broken He has this thing and I never feel like I have to censor myself around. Like, I can be like. I can say whatever I want. I can.

You know what I mean? That's me. You're describing me. Are you on dating apps? That's not true. Yeah, I'm on like Hinge. They don't. What are you.

And what are you looking for? You're kind of Gen Z. But. Um. Just. Well, I'm pretty open. I mean, like, it's one of those things where I don't put pressure on relationships or anything like that so

but he went on like an 8 hour coffee date with the girl and then the girl was like no thanks yeah 8 hours doesn't matter it's one coffee date well how many hours she hung out with him I mean people that's one hangout one leave the house

it's like oh gotcha one leave the house it's like oh gotcha one leave the house it's like delta miles like you don't get credit for the six hour flight you get you've flown once today

so what does he do eight hours but how does he close a deal on an eight hour hangout did you like her I thought she was cool see that's the

I think a coffee date you're setting yourself up for we need this to be more serious and there's no option for casual he said weenie weenie more casual no because if you would just been like hey I'm out come meet me the way you're talking right now would match what you're looking for

when you go to coffee, it's like, and will we do the next date? We're going to Regal Town. They met at, they had never seen each other before and organically at a coffee shop hung out that day. Oh, you gotta drop the number and go. You have

to create casual. That's a different one. You're thinking of a different girl. You're thinking of the girl he started talking to. Go, go, go, go, go. Oh's a different one. You're thinking of a different girl. You're thinking of the girl he started talking to. Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go. You're thinking of the girl he started talking to. They sat down and ate together and then she was like, I have a boyfriend. This girl he went on a date

with, they hung out for eight hours and then ghosted. Yeah. That's just a lot of times you have to remember these girls have a squeeze. A lot of these women have a squeeze that they want. What's a squeeze? A boo. Oh, I like that term.

Like a main squeeze. Like a cool old thing. Well, you just don't know why someone's on a dating app. Like someone's on there to like figure out whether they like the person they've been seeing. That's why I'm always on it. Right. Or they're there to rebound. Or they're there to like get through the breakup they just went through. The idea that everyone is where you are on a dating app is kind of a mis...

That's why I don't like them and I like organic meetings. Everybody likes that. Everyone wants organic meetings. What you should say on your profile is, let's not hang out if you're clowning around. No, that's too serious. I don't like that. No, fuck is that? No, down to clown is better. No, that's too serious. I don't like that. No, down to clown is better. Yes.

Well, how about, you know, I think what you... What made a coffee date happen? That's my question. Because that to me is more the question. Because I was going on dinner dates and I was spending $100 on women that would ghost me. Well, you guys, dinner dates, you're like

the three bears of dating. You've gone too cold, too hot. You need to do, hey, wine-coffee-bar hybrid place, especially for your age group. Yeah, you got a sticky dick and some porridge. Trying to be sober. Yeah, you got to get a little medium porridge.

Right now, you're in that group of like, hey, I'm not sure what this is going to be. I think coffee-wine-bar is like the perfect place for you. Yeah, but you got to plant the seed beforehand so they don't like get a friend vibe. Be like, I heard this place is good food, but all I want to order is a piece of your ass. Well, you could do that. A piece of your ass action. Yeah.

Kings of comedy. I'm also from Tennessee, so it's like dating here is so different. Why? What are you, an open mic comic? Why? Tell us. Because everything is very fast. Like, it's faster here.

So everybody is like, you know, just they're meeting new people all the time. Are you talking to anyone on the dating app right now that you like? No. Pull her up. Oh. No. Because I would say, if you get to a point, I would be like, me, a dating app conversation is like within a day you need to make a decision that makes it hot. So you go, hey, great to meet you. Hey, great to meet you.

What you have a little banter and then you go, this was a lot of fun. Here's my number. I'd really like to get drinks on Thursday if you're free. Let me know. I'll make a plan if you're down. And that happened. Like, I do do that. But then I get the runaround where it'll be like, I'll set a date. They'll be like, yeah, sure. And then like the date comes up. I'm like, hey, just checking in, making sure we're still on for that day. And they'll be like, ghost.

There's got to be a way to make it more casual. Because I bailed on dating apps. I always like to point when I want to talk. The best dating app scenario is you're like, it's like seven o'clock at night. You're going out that night. Yeah. Plans already. And then you go,

I have plans already, but I'll be out in this area afterwards. Would you want to meet at this bar at this time? Now it's done in one day. You get that first out of the way. You know what? Sexy. It's fun.

You should do that no matter what. Like when I used to sell construction estimates, I'd be like, hello, we have a guy in the neighborhood tomorrow. Can he stop by to look at your windows? Wasn't the neighborhood lie. And then they say yes.

And you go, well, what do you, and then you tell the guy and he's there and make it look like it. And here's the thing. You're right. Cause we used to do that with life insurance. Hey,

and when you make the sale, like our sales guys at the company, you buy crap. Yeah. You go to there, you go to the area near their house. You don't know exactly where they live. And then you take a picture of Taco Bell you bought and say,

hey, I'm near your house. Want Taco Bell? Do you guys always find the most scary? He did that. Oh, he did that? Yes. That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It's really scary.

Shut up. We were friends. I thought you were inventing a weirder scenario. No, this really happened. Really happened. Bag of Taco Bell in a photo. No. Like it was today's paper. Dude, that's weird. You can't do that.

You can't show up to someone's neighborhood. Here's a story all about how I showed up to a girl with Taco Bell and she won't answer my calls now. And got a restraining order And had to move with my auntie and uncle I'm not allowed in the area I gotta stay a thousand feet from her

Don't know why I went to the store, got some taco bell, and scared that little girl out of town. Out of hell. Yeah. Close. We did it. No.

We'd been friends for years. Hung out. Used to send each other naked pictures. Whatever. Flirt. One day, we spent the entire day together. Walked all the way across the Williamsburg bridge, holding hands, brought her to my place. She saw how I lived, turned around and left and

said, no, clean yourself up before I come back over. She's OCD. And she was having a rough day. I was in the area. I know where she lives. The cross reach always, you got to come over and hang out. You got to come over and eat. Let's get coffee someday. Okay. So she was having a bad day. I know she loves Taco Bell. I got Taco Bell center picture and said, Hey,

I'm right by you. I bought you a treat. Come out. I'll give you a tea and I'll be on my way. How is that bad? It's a coming on a little strong. I think if someone leaves your place and says, I think if someone leaves your place and goes I think if someone leaves your place and goes

clean yourself up and then I gotta get out of here. The last thing a girl wants on a bad day is for somebody to surprise show up. A bad day means I'm farting. I want someone to show up on a bad day and go hey. I know you want somebody to show up on every day. Unannounced visits is not

within our. I like them. It's cute. It's fun. It's silly. You know that's not what most people like. You love it. I like phone calls. And I like... He likes when I open the door when he's pooping to hang out with him. I just want to talk.

You have to understand these are you things. Yeah. Unannounced visit would scare the shit out of me. And then I'd be like, how long do I have to hang out with this person? It wasn't an unannounced visit. It was a, hey, I'm right by the area. I got you food. I'll drop it off.

See ya. Hey, how you doing? Let's share a smoke. See ya. No, well, you've already extended the time. Let's just go in and watch an episode of 90 Day Fiance. Let's go in and hang. It was DoorDash.

They leave it by the door and they're gone. I'm here already. It's almost dinner. Where are we going? Right. What's the plan for tonight? Am I sleeping over? Yeah, it always goes too much. Let's Face dinner. Where are we going? Right. What's the plan for tonight? Am I sleeping over? Yeah. It always goes too much. Let's FaceTime

my mother. Right. You've been in a relationship with somebody. I've been sitting at the cellar with you and you've ordered. They've been like, order me a cheeseburger. He orders it. And it's truly I've been like three hours have passed because I have a spot really late. And I'm like, oh, shit Ian, you're supposed to bring that cheeseburger to that girl. Phone

looks at his phone. it's like 900 missed calls he just wants to extend the hang wherever he is yeah well listen that's okay sometimes it's great but they don't like that when you show up I'm saying extend the hang is good when you've signed up for the hang right you haven't because no girl thinks you're going to give her the

Home Depot the Taco Bell sorry and just leave she's back into the thing she likes. She's like, if somebody came over and brought me a plumb bob and a two by four, boo wee. They're the best. They're the coolest. So cool. Yeah. I don't know what a plumb bob is. Dude, a plumb bob is a, you can make one right now. If you hang these glasses on the end of a thing, string under the end of a string, sorry. You can see if something's level just by dangling it,

and it'll make a straight line. It just makes a straight line with gravity. It always finds a center point. It's so cool. It's called plumbob. You realize I'm Jewish and went to summer camp, right? I don't understand any of these references. Plumbob.

No. You were carpenters. I pay a guy named Bob to plumb. Nice. Nice. Yes. God, I love speed squares, too Bob to plumb. Nice. Yes. God, I love speed squares too. Speed squares are the best.

I was so bad at cutting steps though. Really hard. Really tough. Really tough. They have to be perfect. I know. But it was cool cutting rafters. It's the best.

Easy cut. I fell asleep. My eyes opened. Have you ever done construction? No. We should have a thing where we bring friends on to do construction with us. And you make a little birdhouse. Right.

While we do the podcast. And you leave with a birdhouse. Yeah. Wouldn't you love a little birdhouse? And if it's bad, you still have a birdhouse for your soul. They might be Giants. Great song. You ever listen to them? Can you put the cane down?

Thank you so much. That was really sweet. You're welcome. Anyway, how do we get our boy Ethan's dick sucked? Wait, wait, wait. He's doing it too serious. You can't do dinner. You can't do coffee.

It's got to be drinks. There has to be a way to escape you. Yeah, coffee, wine, hybrid place. Can we just go back real quick? It's not weird that I did the thing because we knew each other for years. It was a fun, hey! It's less weird because you know each other.

It's more annoying. It's annoying. I'll take it. Okay, so that would be not creepy. If I got a picture of you outside my house, I'd be like, Ian, come on. Like I got I didn't sign up to not be on my phone right now. I'd rather be annoying than creepy all day long.

So I think most people stayed in a hotel. I haven't told him my room number every time. This is to me. That's boundaries. Fair to the point. Fair is fair. Fair is fair. Fair is fair.

You know my room. I can get a new T-bill. That is fair. Fair is fair. Fair is fair. You know my room. I can get a new T-bill. That's right. That's fine. Um, so, I agree. How do you spend less money,

but you go on a date? You could. I told him he needs to get a prostitute because he'll spend less money for one thing. Get his nut out. He wants to meet somebody. But you need to practice. Whatever Ian says,

just don't do that What the fuck This is putting on the list Of things not to do Yeah I agree I don't need to practice You're saying he should do A little of this Well listen

If she tickles you You took us Fine Do we have any 25 year olds that you know Read her Native American poetry I think what you gotta do Is go to a

More than a coffee shop Less than a dinner That end And you gotta do is go to a more than a coffee shop less than a dinner and you gotta like leave them wanting more I think you're doing 8 hours too much hey good to see ya I'm out of here and I think that's why you put

parameters on the night especially when you do hey I'm going out for dinner with friends I'm gonna be in this area would love to get a drink after. And now you can meet all my friends. Candlelit situation. Yeah, meet my friends. Okay, so how do we get him some friends?

I think that's great advice. Thank you, Jared. That is certainly some advice. That's a proton pack. I was like, what is this? It's a Ghostbusters proton pack. Did you love Ghostbusters? So much.

It is a great movie. Isn't it? Yeah. I wanted more from Ghostbusters too. Did you like the new one or no? I loved it. Cried Twice. Amazing. Great continuation of the original. Yeah, it got kind of shit on, but I kind of looked like the

fun. Are you talking about the female Ghostbusters? No, the female one was like a money grab. This is the other one that they did Afterlife. How did it get shit on? I thought it got bad reviews. No, everyone loved it.

Yeah, they have a new one coming out too. Another one. Oh, I should have announced this, but by the time we do, tickets will be on sale. I'm filming a special December 3rd. Thank you. I'm doing something with the Ghostbusters and I'm so excited. Do you have a name for it yet? time we do tickets will be on sale i'm filming a special december 3rd congratulations thank you at the cutting room and for the intro i'm doing something with the ghostbusters and i'm so excited do you have a name for it yet yes what is that in finance wild happy and free

cool taco bell at seven can we do some native american cover art wild happy and free you on a buffalo yeah okay you left me at Bell's Palsy. Whatever the fuck that was. Okay. I really want to talk about icks more. I know you hear that all the time, but I'm really curious what. I just thought of something with the ick. Oh.

We had talked about what we liked sexually, you know, like movies never did it for me or whatever. Movies. When I saw it, because you were talking about Aladdin. Movies never did it for me or whatever. When I saw, because you were talking about Aladdin, Ghostbusters, when Dana gets possessed and like was like could not help but just be in love with the gatekeeper and key master, that like did something to me

where I think I've always wanted like a, not obsessive, but like a possessed love to be under someone's spell. Yes, same with Neo and Trinity. When I saw that there was just the one person for the one and their oneness could make energy in a whole universe. It also put in my head that there was like a possession that would happen. Is this how you guys became friendly?

That we're obsessive, obsessive, codependent with being possessed in a sexual relationship. We have bonded many times over like, I'm right where this me and this person are breaking up and I think I'm going to kill have bonded many times over like, me and this person are breaking up and I think I'm going to kill myself. And we're like, me too. That's it.

That's a fun way to get together with friends. Yeah. Wait, you too? Yeah. Yeah. It's a fun way to meet people. A lot of that. Totally.

Come a long way though. I listen. It turned into a podcast, a flourishing business. This is great. It is. Yes. Thank you. Yes. There's a floor way, though. Listen, it turned into a podcast, a flourishing business. This is great. It is. Yes. Thank you.

Yes. There's a floor in this business. There is a floor. And we seem to be at it. Tasers. Hey, everybody. This Halloween, scare people with your costume, not your ugly, stinking, scraggly, old, beardy face.

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speaking of serendipity I don't think we've said that once in the podcast even the transition felt uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We went horseback riding and my horse's name was Taser. And that's like an integral part of the show.

And hers was Kane? Yeah. Close. Cunt. It was a cunt. Mine was a cunt. Where did you go horseback riding? Palinville up in Saugerties, New York upstate.

So was this like a class field trip? Yeah. Yeah. We're going to do a podcast before we get going. It's like when the team goes on like a. It was team building. I wanted to go horseback riding and then Ian ruined it with his horse riding too close to mine. So mine was scared the whole time and I got scared the whole time.

So it wasn't fun. But he had fun. That feels like you are mad that Ian was better at horseback riding than you expected. Yo! Thank you so much for deciphering the truth. And that you're blaming that

your horse wasn't great on Ian who actually was pretty good at horseback riding. You don't want to admit it. I love you. I love you so much. I'm just like, I've smelt it. I could feel it. It's okay. It's true. Yes. He got on and it was like he was one with the horse.

I felt so comfortable. He felt so comfortable. He wasn't scared. I was really scared. I wouldn't have expected it either. I would be, if I were you, I'd be prepared for lots of ball busting, lots of making fun of Ian. Lots of telling him how horrible at horseback riding he was. And then it really probably ruined the rest of your day.

You're like, now I have to kind of admit he was as good. Yeah, I identify as a horse girl, but I was really scared because his horse and him were really rearing to go. Right. And I couldn't really move very fast at all because. Yeah, her whole thing is like me and horses. And then when push came to shove, the horse was like, nah.

Yeah. I did shows in Lexington. And after the Thursday night show, this woman and her boyfriend were like, we work with horses. Do you want to like see the horses? And I was like, I would love to film it.

And they're like, well, you can't film them fucking. And I was like, why would you assume that is so crazy. And they're like, well, you can't film them fucking. And I was like, why would you assume? That is so crazy. Why did you say breeding? And I was like, I go, in what world would that be what I want to do?

Like, I don't know what you're like. I don't know why you would think like. And what was weird was how normal what she said was normal. Like, we're the weird ones. She wasn't doing a bit. bit no this was like you come to realize so she brought me and alec parent hilarious comic we he like taped the whole thing so we went to a stable and it was like literally the ritz-carlton of stables and we get there and they have the triple crown winner they had noty Jones. Yeah, I think Smarty Jones

was there. Like all these famous horses. Whoa. What's the one that just won the triple crown? Seabiscuit. No, that's the Sopranos horse. I don't even know. Captain. No, there was another one. I have the name somewhere. But I went and saw.

Sunday is a ticket. I'm a big dog. Turn the a ticket. I'm a big dog. Turn the lamp off. I'm going to win. Rent's due Tuesday. American Pharaoh. That's a cool name. So we didn't know where.

So this girl and her boyfriend come and they meet us at the stable. They don't even work there. They're like, these are our clients because they are on the female side of things. So I guess the men, the stallions are at one place and the female mares are at another place. Like a sixth grade dance. It's a little bit like that. And so they bring us in. It's beautiful. It's like the Ritz Carlton. We get in there. The bricks on the ground, like the bricks on the ground were rubber.

They felt good on your feet. That's how. So they bring us to see American Pharaoh. And I go, wait, is this the American Pharaoh? They're like, yeah, he lives here. Whoa, what's he beautiful? Unbelievable. I have a picture on my Instagram. Sexy horse?

It is like the most fabulous beast you've ever seen. Will you send that to Ethan and we'll pop it up? What color? That's amazing. So I go, so basically the guy who was like in charge of him, here he is. Oh. Whoa, he's so nice. He's a thoroughbred. And I go, what's he like? And the guy who works there goes,

he is a great like, he talked about him like he was a person. He goes, there's nothing like him. He's a good guy. We put it on video. It's on my YouTube. You can see. Oh, he's handsome. And you have to respect it. You go, oh my God. They had another Triple Crown winner. I mean, Triple Crown is like, you've done it. You're the Michael Jordan of horses. Really? You're LeBron.

What do they do? It's racing. So it's racing. But then what you find out, if you are a Triple Crown winner, so this is what it gets to the breeding part. You now your sperm is worth like is like liquid gold. I can relate. Right. That's what everyone thinks of you.

But then you realize like every conversation revolves around these horses fucking and doing it well so you start to be like this is like a bizarre like so it's like kind of jokey it's like talking to a proctologist like everything's about ass yeah you know like you're like or a urologist like they're like all dick jokes and ass jokes all day everything about this conversation is these horses fucking and making new winners. Wow. It's like the NFL. I don't know. No. It's not close to that.

So they bring us into the fucking room and they're like, we bring in the mayor and the mayor walks in and then we bring in a fluffer horse who gets the mayor ready and then they bring in American Pharaoh.

And then they fuck and they go and they have a viewing window. No. I swear because people have put so much money in. How much are those tickets? I mean honestly it felt like that. Do they let people watch? They go, they don't let cameras they get very weird about that

because I go is that your special sauce it's like this ranch do you like do it a certain way he's like no but like there's just a lot of like eyes on us like in negative ways he's like we just don't want to like act like this is like some big joke because so many people make jokes about it like all you do is make jokes about the horse is fucking but then you you get down to it, you're like, well, the horse is fucking is our business. Whoa. They're like, we can't stop people from

making jokes, but we can stop people from being like, you know, you can go so far, I guess. Wait, that horse's job now is a retired just fuck man? Never runs. American Pharoah. American Pharoah never runs. There was another horse, horse I forgot the name but it was another famous horse I think it was

Smarty Jones or not no Smarty Jones wasn't there there's another Triple Crown winner there I was like is he here and they go he's in Australia because they have different breeding cycles so like you go to Australia in the winter and you come here in the summer so like the most so they put him on a

plane a 747 to Australia what the winter and you come here in the summer. So like the most. So they put them on a plane. A 747. I'm going to be a realist. What? And they put the horse on an airplane. And I go, what's the airplane like? They go, it's a refurbished airplane. Like we own the plane.

Like there's so much money in this. You realize how much money like this is their version of oil. No wonder Tony Sobrano. Killed over a horse. It's a big, big business. So when we went to ralphie because they said when a horse wins a race the reason everyone's so happy is like one you've brought up these horses from babies like yeah so then two the mother's making more money from now on because the mother now has the lineage the father's sperm is worth more and again a mom can only have so many kids so that's why the the stallions are on

these ritzy estates because so how much is a sperm wow and it's like they said hundreds of thousands of dollars no way that's why side hos try trap NFL players. Wait, so if. OK, so if I brought so if I was like, I would like one of those babies and I have my mare and I go to that place, I have to be a millionaire. Yeah. And then I have the baby. I raise it up. By this time, I'm old. Mm hmm.

But I don't care. How many years does it take? Two years for it to become a race time I'm old. But I don't care. How many years does it take? Two years. For it to become a race horse from a baby. Oh, okay. Only two years. No, but two years. But then you can't only have kids for so long. I'm sure some of these, the female horses like but then their kids become, you know like you own that horse and you sell it off.

They said they, one horse, they do auctions of the horses. They'll go $800,000. They'll be like, we tried or we brought it up to, you know one horse they they do auctions of the horses they'll go eight hundred thousand dollars they'll be like we we tried or we brought it up to you know people buy it so that they can race it and then own it and be in the game like it's a whole market this says a gallon of gold medal winning big star semen is worth 4.7 million dollars the horses are worth like 80 million dollars what like it's like crazy. What's worth more, that or Formula One racing? What's more expensive?

I would think that the horses are more expensive. It's a longer process. Italian like speed racing. Oh. It's different economics. I think the Italian speedway, they're like, you know, you got to buy the car. You got to have the crew. You got to have the driver.

But this is. Jockeys just get paid so much money. I don't know if the jockeys are really making money. Yeah, don't the jockeys get shafted? They're not a big part of this whole thing. I think a good jockey, of course, is a bunch. But I think the horse, you got to have the lineage. You got to have that come.

That's so cool. So by the end of it, you go you go yeah i guess you do have to make sure no one's coming to like fuck with your process and videotape and whatever right so you pet that horse i was scared of it i i legit like because he got the guy was like went up to it he's like grabbing his head and being all whatever and then yeah, you know, I went up to him. I was like, hi. Yeah. You know, like. Would they let you sit on him?

No. No. No, that's. I don't think they even get sat on again. Like, I think they. I think you win the Triple Crown and you are living a lifestyle that, like, none of us could. It is a billionaire's type of, like, a king royal lifestyle.

I wonder if they have a lot of security. It was pretty far in. Like it was I would say it was like it felt like you were in a plot of land that was bigger than Sunset Park. Because a horse is like a motorcycle. You figure out how to ride that thing. You steal it right by riding it. Take it right out of there. Has anyone made a movie about

stealing? About stealing horses? I dig it. That would be like a horse caper film. Right. But the horses are so powerful. Like about stealing horses I'd take it that would be like a horse caper film right but the horses are so powerful like the way they talked about like approaching the horse they're like if you get it right in its shoulder right there he'll be okay

but like they said it's taken off fingers like with a bite yeah like they're strong you have to understand these are like who's taken off fingers? the horse you get kicked in the head by a horse you'll die the way he's talking about American Pharaoh You have to understand. Who's taking off fingers? A horse. You get kicked in the head by a horse, you'll die. The way he's talking about American Pharoah was like the nicest person you've ever met.

He goes, there's some horses here that are prima donnas or assholes. I had one. That's what mine was. Mine was a prima donna. No, they can take it off, yes, but they won't. I think if you guys are riding the horse, they are trained in a way to have you guys ride a horse

these are a Ferrari, not everyone can drive a Ferrari you gotta know how to drive if you got on, if I was a robber and I broke in and I got on that horse if I saddled him up and got on him he would let me ride him he wouldn't be like you're an intruder

he would take off but then you wouldn't be trained enough to ride it. I don't think I think you could because he's probably so you couldn't even ride the rinky dink little thing, let alone American God of horses. But I'm just saying I think that the better the horse, the more well trained

it is like you can't ride an unbroken thoroughbred. That's impossible. But once you break them and they're used to being ready for a race down and go. You would be able to stay on it. Once they're used to that pamper, if you're not pampering it, it's not... The way they told me to approach it

made me feel like it was like you were messing with fire. If you were to steal it, you would probably have to be somewhere on the inside. You'd have to steal it, you would have probably have to be somewhere on the inside. Yeah, you'd have to. Yeah, you have to be. You know what you would do if you were to the Ocean's Eleven heist movie.

Yeah, of course, of horses. You would have one guy whose expertise was horse ride. It was a you'd have a former jockey. They'd be like, I'll ride it out. You know, you have a money guy. You don't think if I put a 10 year old girl on. Oh, dude, you don't think if I could a 10 year old girl on it. Oh, dude. You don't think if I could be like, hey, do you want to ride?

No. 10 year old girl. I'm just wondering, what do you think would happen? You're going back into the past of what you wish your life was. I think there would be a death. But do you think he would buck or do you think he would just split? One or the other. I don't think it would buck. Either way, it wouldn't end well.

It's okay. I'm not fighting with you. I'm just asking questions. You're right. Thank you for breaking me like a horse. I'm also not an expert. When he said approach the horse, was he like be careful?

He was like you can go in there. He gave me a direction of like you can go in right here and you can pat him right here. He'll be good. He's a good guy. It was very much this specific horse. They all had personalities. The way they talked about it was like,

you're dealing with a human that could be... That's why they rule. Jordan's horse really doesn't like it when other horses pass her. So they put her in the front. It was crazy. And Ian was trying to ride super fast so and my horse the ears would go back and i'd be like why are your ears back and i would look and ian would just be like right here just right it's a personality like bitch get the fuck back and she was respecting the leader i was like you're the leader just make my horse obey

and she was basically like no you can't pass that horse she will freak out which was like oh why right that would scare the shit out of me. To me, that's holding the taser. It scared me so much. She was like, I can't see Ian, and she's like, if Ian passed you, your horse will freak out. And I just hear Ian being like, hey, she bought it. And I'm like, okay, I'm about to get bucked off.

And then Ian's huge horse is going to stop me. I controlled my horse because he and I were the same, and we were just raring, ready to go I controlled my horse because he and I were the same. And we were just raring, ready to go. And your horse was flying. She said you were over-controlling. No, your horse lady said that to make you feel better. No, she said that. She didn't.

It wasn't the truth. You were pulling your horse up and all over the path because you were trying to guide it everywhere. What I did was I made it wait. This is so scary. And there was so much space. And then I'd go, yeah, and let my guy like gallop. And then I'd go Yeah And let my guy like gallop And then I'd go Whoa

Yeah The back of my I wouldn't I'd be out I wanted to get off I don't want to hang with Taser Yes

I'm getting close Yes No no no Thank you so much No no no I don't want to hang with I literally was like I want to stop

Or I want to go in the back BB gun guy You don't like a BB gun I would never do that On a huge beast This is the equivalent of that Yes No

Let's go back to when you said I was right. Your horse will buck if his horse goes beyond you and you're going, ooh. Yes. I was not doing that. Yes, you were. Every two seconds you go like this, whoa. Right behind me. Yes, because the horse was going a little wild, so I had to whoa it.

I wasn't doing it to fuck with you. I asked you later, were you kicking the horse and you said yes. Yes when I developed distance between us but not normal. So then my you I'm you're like okay let's trot. Then her horse feels her shaking and now the whole thing is wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Your horse

was defective and should have been put out for glue. We would trot and then all of a sudden me and my horse would hear you go whoa because you were pulling it tight. And then my horse would freak out. I would freak out. But if you would just trotted, we could have been nice together. But because you were running, it was scary. Here's the thing.

We couldn't trot normal because your horse was constantly no matter what we were doing behind you. Your horse was still nervous. And the Sarah girl. I'm not saying that Jordan was a great horseback rider. That's all I need. But also I'm not saying that you did not influence the shakiness she had on the horse. Yes, taser was a taser. Edit.

Cut the baby in half. Felt like my King Solomon moment. Fair is fair. And that's how I roll. Fair is fair. Fair is fair. I can how I roll Fair is fair I can't believe that I did that I was like can you say fair is fair to me again He was like what and I was like nothing

What's the weirdest thing you've had said to you During sex Jared Um I don't know Give it to me One of my friends said that a guy said to her She goes yeah we were having sex And he goes I want to fuck you every christmas and i was like it's july and she's like i know it was insane it was the middle of july jesus it would have been funny if it was on christmas but

yeah i want to fuck you every christmas i had one go oh that's kind of like you're a gift to me that's what they're saying yeah which is actually oh that's nice yeah i love the guy you're my jesus i want to fuck you every christmas that every Christmas I had a guy while inside of me I had just met first time having sex with him Go move with me to California Let's start a life together You are having sex with Mountain Dew guy Mountain Dew

Motorcycle guy Let's just go I got my rucksack My rucksack I got my rucksack. My rucksack! I got my rucksack. You my little fucksack. Let's go. I got plenty of jerky to give us to Montana. What else have I had Jared said to me? What have you had?

I had gotten a blowjob of a girl and she got done and she was like, I can't believe I just sucked Jared Free's dick I don't want to hear that that's a little freaky was this the plan all along one time so years ago

when I was getting sober I would go to meetings and there were this group of girls that would always talk behind me during the meeting and I would go shh so I could listen to the message me and this girl ended up hooking up and she had a fucked up

voice from like smoking and like heroin she was sober too it was like this and so we're fooling around and she's blowing me and I come and she goes I can't believe I suck the shushes cock that's great I love that you had a nickname oh it was the best I'm just going around and she's blowing me and I come and she goes, I can't believe I suck the shushes cock. That's great.

I love that. You had a nickname. Oh, it was the best. Yeah. That got you inside of their whole conversation. First and last name is very scary. Being the shusher. That was my nickname.

The shusher. And then we were having sex again. She was on top. She goes, I got to stop. I got to stop. I go, what's wrong? She goes, my hips hurt. I go, I'm sorry.

She goes, it's not you. It's the heroin. And I was like, oh. Yeah, you don't want to hear that. That's a real dick musher. Yeah, it still came. What was another one I heard? Our friend overdosed in her apartment

and she stole all his jewelry. That has nothing. What did that come from? Whose friend? Our friend? No, no. This was years ago when I was in Delaware.

Whose friend? My friend. Me and the girl's mutual friend. Yeah. Who also, when he died, a friend called me and goes. It's amazing that your dick is still attached to your body. What?

Just because of all the ravage you've put it through. I wrap it up. I'm clean. With duct tape and a tea mask. I am so clean you wouldn't believe. Clean as a whistle.

Clean as an Ian. That's what I'm going to start saying. I like that. Hey, can you work clean as an Ian tonight? It was a corporate gig. What's another one I've heard? God.

I had my foot sucked during it. And while she was sucking my foot, she was like, I've never done this before. And I was like, me neither. I called an Uber while somebody was inside me. I've done that. What? Really? That's wild. That's only something a woman could do. Yeah. Yeah. I called an Uber while somebody was inside me What? That's only something a woman could do Yeah

You're like I'm just checking out That was the guy who went You couldn't be as nonchalant as a guy Yeah because we're the ones doing all the work I would literally break a shard of glass And cut you with it if a guy called an Uber While they were in me Or I would come back for more every single day

And be like you're the biggest shelf i've ever made fairs fairs i'll split it with you it's too much um yeah i don't know should we wrap it up what else we get yeah see if we have do we have any other questions for Jared? How's the Netflix going? How do you, where did you film that? Grammarcy Theater. How was it? How do you feel about it?

I just released a half hour, way different. And I am, I fell into a deep depression afterwards. Why? Well, I think what happens after you're done with it is like, you can't touch it again.

Yes. That's who you are. It's out there. You know, because what we do is we listen to sets and we go i can always make that joke better i'll always go back to it maybe you have a joke that works but you're like you know there's more there it's set in stone now it's in pen so i think when you put out a special like that becomes like it's out there and you there's

nothing you can do to control when you're in a when you're in a show, you can go, you got your hand at the wheel. You know, and you can go, oh, if the joke that I know only does well in certain scenarios doesn't do well, I can always steer it back towards a good show. And tomorrow, I'll change it again. Right, you can. This is weird because it's a show. They should call

it this. Jared Freed put out a show. Because it's one show. You know what I mean? It's two out a show. Because it's one show. You know what I mean? It's two. Me too. But it's like, it is weird how it's like your special is just a show. The worst part is that you, December 9th, I taped it the next day.

I was in Virginia Beach. And then you go like, hey, I'm going to start doing new shit. That's what I'm doing. That's so scary. But you put it in the middle of all the stuff you did in the special. Now you're all loose and limber with the special stuff because you're like, it doesn't matter. It's already done. Then you start doing it better than

you did on the special. You're like, fuck. It's a real mind fuck because you're like, and now the new stuff isn't working like your special stuff because that's all weird. Are you worried about doing the special stuff and people going, oh, I've seen this. I don't like it. I have a whole new which is good that's like I was lucky in a sense because it didn't sell we were talking you know we didn't edit it till March and then it didn't Netflix said

yes to it in June or July went out in August and by August when it came out that week I had all a whole new hour so like oh because you're oh that's perfect that's great it's amazing it was amazing so like by that time, I was on the road that weekend. That was the first. And I could take my time. That August weekend was the first weekend it was out.

And it was the first weekend I had done a whole new hour of nothing from the special. It was a good feeling. That's great. So it feels good to tell people, go watch it. And then you can come to a show

and it'll be completely different. It feels good to get done with the set. Go, if you like the special, thank you. If you don't know about it, it's out there different. It feels good to get done with the set. Go. If you like the special, thank you. If you don't know about it, it's out there and it's what you saw tonight. Yeah. Oh, that's great.

It all feels good. Too hard. Before I came out, I was like, I'm done with all of this stuff. I'm not going to do it. And then just like, you'll be happy that you did that because you'll go,

you probably like the new stuff more than the special stuff, which is just normal. I think like the, the mind fuck of it all comes down to like, you know, I think also like you put it out there and you know, I think over time, like,

you know, I've like done nice things for standups and put them on my podcast and stuff. And then you go, all right. You know, even people that they probably wouldn't think I would think of, I'd be like, Oh, you didn't like say like, you know, look at there's a Netflix special out there. Like, you know, you didn't think that I would want like a little bit like, you know, when people post about it, I feel like amazing.

I'm like, thank you. Thank you so much. It's the nicest compliment in the world. But when, you know, it kind of goes the other way, too, you're like, well, I guess that person didn't like me. I know that's what's happening, too. It's like my closest friends. I'm like, why haven't my sister? I was like, why haven't you said anything? Right. About the half hour? And they're like, because I know you and I've known about and it's like it makes you feel really that's a big part of the depression is how people have reacted close to me in my life. And you start to have too good a hearing like, you know't want like you know you know i just went on a podcast earlier and i was like and they were like so we watch it we have a lot of questions

i was like yeah was it funny can you just say that in the first minute like did you like no we laughed the whole time i'm like yeah i'm on your part just say that you know like you know like don't say like don't like intro you just start to realize like, like, I guess like I, in my life, I like a good compliment. Give it out. Give it more tone. I know. Like, you don't have to compliment people. I was like, the special's already out.

Just say you love it. Just say I love it. And I'm proud of you. Over. Don't need to hear the critiques. It's like a tattoo. Once it's on my body, just say it's good. Right.

Or just don't acknowledge it at all. Don't half do it. Yeah. I don't know. Even I'd get reviews, and the reviews have all been pretty nice. I don't need to look any more into it than what it is. And my dad, one review was so nice, way too generous, which is fine. I know that.

I'm living on planet Earth. I think i'm pretty rational myself yeah yeah my dad's like what is this guy out of his fucking mind yeah it was relevant to our lives right that's the thing i'm like do you my mom goes everybody else is blowing flowers up your skirt i don't get don't you want one person in your life that isn't and i'm like there's like a lot of people calling me a big, fat, stupid mid comic like that I'm reading. Trust me, I got that in here also. Yeah. One of those people is me.

Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And you go and you go. And I think what people think when you go on stage, there's a certain brand of person that thinks when you go on stage, you must be the most delusional, confident person that doesn't need their tires. Yeah.

And you're like, no, I think doing-up especially is like the most humbling thing in the world like we go up and we we hear every sentence we we're not even listening to good set bad set we're going well the one joke i wanted to do well didn't do well so now i fucking my my brand new baby that took off last night didn't take off tonight i will kill myself and they're like you crushed i'm like no no no So to them, all they see is you crushed and you're like, you must think pretty fucking hard. Every night's like that. It's like, no, every night is me

with these one sentence wins and losses. And every time somebody afterwards goes, hey, I love that joke that's this, I'm like, I wrote that five years ago. I wanna kill myself. It's like, so the idea of us needing any interpersonal compliment to some is like crazy it's like every time my friends see me i get off stage and i'm like was that good and

they're like oh my god it was great i'm like yeah i'm gonna need to hear that like immediately from you guys and that sounds like very needy but it's also like i now know the people that i go to for like rational talks about it yeah i know the people that I go to for like rational talks about it. Yeah, I know the people like you have to understand some people are just not within their nature. And it's also like you have to be like empathetic to everyone has their own shit like, you know, giving out compliments. Yeah. Ian pulled me out of a fucking I was wandering around in the depths of darkness and he called me and he's like, what's up? And I was like, I just feel so bad about it.

And he just was like, shut the fuck fuck up it is getting so many views it is amazing and i was like oh okay and it was like i had not talked to anybody that would just i talked to only the people that i knew would be super critical gas i do a gas the audio is switching out today but it was super fucked up so you can't hear the audience you only hear me so it just sounds like i haven't seen yet and this is all to say that like I don't know how great a job they or that was done to like be like it premiered

because it feels like those half hours are coming out like every couple weeks kind of so I didn't even know it was out I knew that they were happening but I just didn't know yours was out or maybe that's mine I'm sure it's doing great, but I'm saying like,

again, we also have to empathize with like, sometimes you don't cross into people's, you know, like. Yeah, people don't know. Universe. You know, we're all in these silos where you get fed the thing that you watched the day before.

Like I'm getting Bachelor stuff every day. I know. And it's like someone else is on the same internet getting a totally different thing. You know, so we also have to empathize with that because and that's what gets depressing. You know, you have to go, well, what is it? Do you fucking hate me or did you just not feel the way you feel?

I loved it. 37 and single. I loved it, but I didn't see it or know it when it came out. Right. And like, I don't know, like like a month later i shared it was like oh watch this and then in my head i was like oh god he thinks probably thinks i'm an asshole because i didn't share it right away no fuck i suck but we're all on our own right thing so it's like this combination it's like you and again it goes along with your emotional state where you go to

choose your own adventure of how bad you want to feel or how good you want to yeah so i i've gone through that with the special and then like you know you also get these questions and you probably got this too of like something comes out and then they go what's next and it's like can i just have five minutes yeah yeah to not think about what's next to just like enjoy like i've done like the past month i've gone on as all these podcasts whatever but like i've had a lot of nights where i'm like just have a martini and chill i'm getting I woke up to a text this morning that said hey your special was really great I can tell it wasn't your best night and I was like I hate that what I mean said that let's get him it was uh just an ex a guy used to date why are you talking that's it well again now it's an ex like I had that what is date. Why are you talking to him? But that's a, well, again, now it's an ex. Like I had that.

I know, so I was like, I didn't respond. I didn't respond. I didn't respond. And then he hit me with that one. And I immediately was like, what do you mean? It wasn't my best night. And it was like. I'd stop answering that person.

Yeah. To me, like they're not there for your. Yeah, no, that was a little dig. To me, that's. That wasn't nice. To me, that deserves an apology. Like you put out this like. Yeah.

Very nice produced thing. You put a lot of work into it. You know, they know the only response is, hey, great job. I loved it. Yeah. To say not your best, like, I don't know. You're trying to like reserve ownership on you.

To try to get a reaction out of you. Yes, but it worked. I responded immediately. I got to say, you know, putting something out on Netflix, that's such a fucking dream. And also a gift of that may also be the inability to see comments and specific views. So that must be a weight lifted off your shoulder. Numbers.

They give you numbers, but they, you know, they're very, very vague about it. That's great. Which is nice. And no, it's like, I'm happy with it. Like, you about it. That's great. Which is nice. And no, it's like, I'm happy with it. Like, you know what? That's great. You're right. The no comments part of it.

Because I generally have gotten mostly positive from it. You get one or two tweets that are crazy people. You have to be a crazy person. But I do think what's nice about it has been one, it's a resume item that will be there. You're just like, it's done.

It's there. You did it. I have to tell you, I got locked out of Netflix and I have not watched yours or Shane. So that is why I'm being quiet. Not because I didn't like it, but I will say I've seen it everywhere. Yeah. You know what I mean? The gender reveal bit that you had. I remember when you were first working on that during the pandemic, I think at the cellar, the things were still up,

the barriers. And to see that grow and go to this different thing was like so fucking cool to see where that went with it. How do you feel about the body stuff? I feel fine about it. What do you mean? As soon as the special came out, I was like, I should have I should have gotten at my smallest. Oh, seeing yourself on camera. Yeah, I did. I did say to myself, I was I mean, I talk about body stuff at the last half hour of the whole thing.

did say to myself i was i mean i talk about body stuff at the last half hour of the whole thing and i and i said to myself okay no drinking for a month leading into taping it and then it got to like a month i go i could do three weeks i can do two weeks and it just became the monday tuesday wednesday thursday before and then um i'm okay with it i got like you know i have moments where i'm like you don't want to look at yourself on camera, all that stuff. But yeah, that's just who I am, though. It's always going to be that way. I'm always saying the special. I'm always I've been trying to lose 10 pounds my whole life.

So like, I love that joke. I love that. So that's not a lot. There's no lie. I think there's no like, you know, everything I talk about, you know, you guys, we all talk about is like, I just worked with true space, you know, like every time Louie would be about to record, he would be like,

all right, I'm going to go into, I forget what he called it, fighting mode. And he would like start boxing and stuff. And then eventually he would just be like, no, I'm eating two cheeseburgers.

Right. I don't care. And I was like, Oh wow. Even Louie is doing this like facade of like, I'm going to get down to my dead of the way. And then still is like, no,

I'm anxious and going to eat the way we all do. I think my dad saw like a food psychologist. Once my dad and I have very similar bodies, body issues, but I think he, he like relayed to me one of the things that they said. And I guess he went to this food nutritionist person. They were like,

look at your mom. Look at your dad. You're going to look like them within 10 to 20 pounds i was like this is the most depressing they were just like they're just like that's it that's who you are like i don't know who you can't wake up from it's a death sentence except it's right i was like why are you saying this to me who said this to you I don't know

even when I get to my lowest weight I'm still like 145 we're just massive you are what you is only thing you do is accept it the idea like Louie's gonna go in and we're all gonna go whoa Louie has abs now it's not gonna happen same with us with us. You're going to be what you are.

I've come to terms with bodies. I always say to any body thing, I'm always like just fit well in a t-shirt. That's just all I want is to not tug at a t-shirt. If I can do that, it's been a good day. I just went home to my parents' house and they've just been... My whole new hour

is about my parents and it's a whole story about going to the beach with my parents and it's like I've been working on it for a long time and I enjoyed doing it but I just went back to Boca to like hang with them for a weekend research well it became like oh my god this is horrific

like what they're doing like it's just like there was a moment I was in a bathing suit my parents have this great house it's like it's just like there was a moment i i was in a bathing suit my parents have this great house it's like it's fucking disney world yeah and there's a pool and i'm sitting on a couch like these it's outside tv on football sunday shirt off and i like lean over and i saw my mom like make eye contact with the lower part of my stomach. And I saw her like, I saw her make eye contact and then she ignored it. And then the next day,

all my dad kept talking to me. It's like, you know, you know, you're going to have a lot of opportunities coming your way. You got to like, look good. You got to feel good.

Oh my God. They're the same as my parents. Yeah. And they were just going on. And I go, she, he goes, your mom's worried.

And then my mom finally came and was like, I've just, you know, you gotta, you gotta start the drinking. finally came and was like, I've just, you know, you got to you got to start the drinking. Very fit. It's it's just they see. Yeah, they will always do it. They'll always do it.

I tell my mom and I literally was like, I feel good. And she's like, yeah, you've gained some weight. That must mean you're happy. And I'm like, that's so backhanded and shitty. Right. It's horrible. And she goes, you're funny enough. It doesn't matter what you look like.

Right. And you go, what is this? What in what world was this a fun? I went and't play golf i'm trying to learn golf and like golf they tell you like the whole thing is like mental shit like and it is like you can only really think of one thing when you're golfing like they call it a swing thought i'm so new to this i'm not like a golfer but i i do like i'm like oh okay that makes sense to me i can't think of 30 things during a stand-up set right that i want to fix. I can fix one line.

I can fix one joke. Same with golf. You can think of one thing that you want to do every swing. Yes. And you try and do that. My dad comes in. He's like, I, I, and I thought I had like fixed something. So I showed my dad, I drove it.

And I was like, he was like, and I was like, look at this. It went straighter. He was like, eh, you got to put your foot out. You got to do this. You got to do that. You got to, he went through 30 things. By the end of his spiel, I was now ho look at this. It went straighter. He was like, you got to put your foot out. You got to do this. You got to do that. You got to. He went through 30 things. By the end of his spiel, I was now hooking it again.

And then we go on the course and he's like, ah, you got to fix that. That slice. I don't know. You got to try something different. I was like, I already did. And then we get to the green. I'll never forget. He goes, and you got to lose 15 pounds.

I was like, another thing. I was like, what the fuck? I was like another thing i was like what the fuck i was like in what world is this what golf that you like you know that this is the place where you're supposed to be like mentally like a little bit more zen worried is gonna happen to me if i don't lose 15 you know what i mean like even so you're right what's gonna happen to me also maybe not look let's do my shitty golf before my shitty body. Right. But there is this like almost this factor of like, I need to keep you lucid. I need to keep you knowing what's wrong with you or else your your head's going to fly away.

And you know, no, no. Got it. I got it. I love stand up. Yeah, it's the same with compliments. It's the same with everything. And you go and I remember like I left last night, flew back last night and i was just like and i was like happy to have seen them we had a nice time but i was also like man i i gotta like pick myself up i gotta like i gotta have like a confidence build i need to do like yeah something you know that's not gonna be me being like well what are you fucking doing how's this gonna last forever are to do... When's the next Netflix special coming? All that shit. It's crazy that you just put a Netflix special out. It's going so well.

You're touring all over. You see your parents for one week and you come back and you're like, I am nothing. A puddle. It's crazy. It's almost like Munchausen Syndrome by proxy where they just totally make you unavailable to be there for yourself so you just have to go back to them. I know. My amazing therapist was like,

call your mom and just say what you need. And then I called her. I was like, I need you to just say good job. And she was like, you need me to lie. And I was like, yes,

mother, even that comment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want me to lie. Right.

It's like, no, I would like you. Yeah. I was like, I would like you to say the good stuff. And then when it gets the bad stuff, don't say that part. Right. Okay. So, yeah, I get it. I would like you to say the good stuff and then when it gets the bad stuff, don't say that part. Right.

Yeah, I get it. I mean, at a certain point, we just have to almost love from a distance and learn to reparent ourselves by almost reparenting them by expressing what you need and what a boundary is. You're exactly right because on the way here, my mom goes, me i call her and she goes and then a fire truck went by and she goes you're always everywhere loud you're not speaking loud enough and i go and the fire truck goes by and i go it was a fire truck yeah

i go i can't be louder than the fire truck and And she goes, I know you're always in loud places. I go, do you think I meant to walk alongside a fire truck? Just answer me that question. She was like, do you think I caused a fire? And she slowly likes the boiling water simmer. And she goes, and she just laughs at herself. And so like, that was me parenting her being like, in what world is this a proper way to speak to me?

Yeah. When there was a fire truck that went by as if I was like, bring it in, bring it, bring in the symbols. Mom's call, she says, call me.

Yeah. That'd be noise. Let's go. Mom, I'll call you when my fire pager goes off. Right, right, right.

I'm out here, I'm ambulance chasing. Yeah, Um, no, I mean that, that's just, I, I, I love that, but it's such a lesson in like, I've had to do the thing where man, before I go home or certain situations, it's like almost like I have to like parent myself and coach myself on what I'm prepared for, how to get through it. And it's, it's again, like we said the acceptance thing before, but it's like,

I just have to accept like, Hey, so many times I just go, that's just my mom. Well, and I love her and that's okay. You're totally right. Now I'm as close with my parents as I think most people get.

Yeah. And I still deal. Yeah. So like, I know there's some people out there that like, like they go home and it's like, ah, they just like freak out.

So I understand that. Like, I don't know. Because like, I'm best friends with my mom. So when she's like, like they go home and it's like, they just like freak out. So I understand that. Like, I don't know. Because like, I'm best friends with my mom. So when she's like, it wasn't that good. I'm like, I'm not going to say fuck you because you're my friend and I know you. But it's, you know what I mean? But I have to be like, oh yeah, you're still my mom. You need to show up.

And you know, your mom is your mom. You know, all their insecurities. You have to like, you know why this is getting said in this way. They,, all their insecurities. Yeah. You have to like, yeah, I know why this is getting said in this way. They, this is the nicest they could be. They could literally, they can only be a five.

They're never going to be a 10. And then you, when you remind yourself about that, you kind of feel better. Yeah. You go, and it's just the way you're saying, like when you go home,

like I have to remind myself what I'm doing. Here's the animal, you know, I have to deal with grounding in reality yeah right i mean it is interesting because i talk about just so much family stuff now like in the the new set where i'm like i see people in the crowd like with their parents like i've like seen them like pushing their dad like he's talking about you you fucking loser you know like so that makes me feel good yeah i think I think it's like nice to hear it from others and go, see?

Yeah. It's like totally. That's awesome. Well, dude, this has been fucking amazing. Thank you. This is such a fun time. Yeah.

Check out the special. Yeah. Studio. Thank you. Everything. Thank you, man. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it.

And again, 37 and single. Oh, we're not doing plugs. We already did them. Oh, yeah. We had a piece so bad. IanFundance.com. Thank you for tuning in. We love you guys. Bye. and again 37 and single oh we're not doing plugs we already did them oh yeah we gotta pee so bad IanFundance.com thank you for tuning in

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