Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 064: Actin' Up W/ Jami Morgan (Code Orange)

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being in being in life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live a life being in being in with jordan Jordan. Hey. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan.

I am so excited for today. I did something crazy last night. It was not crazy, but I'll tell you. What? I went to a show, Yamanika's show. Oh, she told me. It was at Zero Bond. Yeah.

I dressed like a park ranger on accident. I didn't know it was fancy and it was the fanciest place i've ever been to oh yeah it's very high andfalutin um but it was really it was fun but then i pretended that i uh had a membership there and i judged everything kicking toilets being like what is this black jake was so funny he was like black toilet see i know what. See, I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. Hiding the stains. The toilets were bad there. How much do you think it costs to become a member? Too much. I mean, they were rich. One guy was

like this. Watch me do stand up. And they're all like, when that stage sucks and there's a DJ. And I was like, what are you doing? And he was like, I invest money. And I was like, you suck. And he was like, what? And I was like, ah, the gum chewing,

you're pompous. I don't like you. I just said, I couldn't stop. Did they like it? They did. He did not like it. Fuck him.

Fuck him. He was so rude. Yeah. Speaking of rude, we should introduce our guest. I would like to be included. Yes. Yes.

I am. I've set a new precedent that we have two minutes up top where we talk and it's really hard. Have you ever done a podcast? No, you don't podcast. There's some where they make you wait 15 minutes. I've done one or two. I did that

Danny Brown deal. Yeah, I saw that. That was great. And you were awesome on Hard Lore. Oh, thanks. I've known those guys for years. Yeah, yeah. I was sitting outside the Danny Brown one in the fancy room. Very uncomfortable. But it was fun are you doing like a run of stuff right now what are we doing a serious

we have I'm in a band Jamie Morgan sorry code orange are you fucking kidding me yeah thanks man the E-Town hat yes yes dude let's fucking go well yes I'm excited I'm in a band we have Yes. Let's go. Dude, let's fucking go. Well, yes.

I'm excited. I'm in a band. We have an album coming out. Yes. And we're playing here tonight. Where are you playing? Gramercy. We're playing at the Gramercy.

Fuck. Should I go? Can I go? You should go. What time is it? You can 1000%. Really? Should I cancel? I picked up you and Bubba Ray Dudley from earlier because he's coming as well.

Oh, yeah. Shut the fuck up. So we got you two added on. Oh yeah. Dude, I fly to Vegas tonight. Should I cancel and go tomorrow morning? Yes. I'm going tomorrow morning. Cancel! Why are you looking at him? Well, maybe the plane something

happened. We're going to get down, man. Let's do it. You have a show on Friday during the day. So do I. What are you doing in Las Vegas? Doing this comedy festival called Skank Fest. Nice. It's really fun. You should come with us. I would love to come.

I'm on the way. Let's go to the show tonight and then go to Vegas tomorrow. Let's do it. They'll let you play. Well, you can just play at our live show instead of us. I'll do a minute or two of stand-up comedy. Okay. Dude, right now, ready? Ladies and gentlemen. You look so much like a wolf. You know that? Do I? Yeah.

That's better than other animals. I've been told camel, which hurts. No, you look like you're going to start transforming into a wolf. It's awesome. I'll take wolf, man. When I was a kid, it was like elephant, camel, everything ugly. No, kind of like a cute fox.

Yeah, you're really wolf because you have canines but you do look like nice yeah that's sick I love that what animals are we

you are a turtle you are and not in a bad way oh okay you're a little hard ass like I can see you

getting down a little fucking yeah you are a turtle under a helmet but you're a turtle. And not like, I'm not talking like Master of Disguise, like Dana Carvey, like turtle, turtle, yeah. Not turtle, turtle vibes, but just like you are.

All right. What am I? That's all I need to know. Something majestic. That's so nice. Something strong. Nice. Something very, very special. Are you? Thank you. That's something strong. Nice. Something. Very,

very special. Are you? Thank you. I get one of my turtle and she gets the most beautiful creature. You want to know something? Yes. 100%. And as I'm not even working a gimmick here,

turtles are my favorite animal in the world. The only one I really, truly love. Tortoises, truly. And you were telling me before we started that you would like to get a turtle. We want to get, I want to get a turtle. Name it the N-word.

I'm very mixed on that element. I'm not going to name it the N-word. We're going to name it the N-word. I understand. Like the N-word? Edward. The N-word is actually pretty great. The N-word is actually pretty great. The N-word.

But here's the thing, though. You're going to, okay, it's going to start as a little harmless rib. We're getting this little turtle. We're going to name him something crazy. A couple years online, you're going to realize that turtle means a lot to you. Yeah. And you're going to have to be like, do we want him to have a gimmick name or do we want to just call him like, you know, mine's name is Shelly. Oh, yeah.

Or we can call him Ben. No. That doesn't, you know, mine's name is Shelly. Oh, yeah. We can call them Ben. No, that does work. That's great. See, you're a fucking genius. I am. Jesus. Here's the question. Why don't you think we should get a box turtle?

Here's why I want to get it. They're cute. They're rounded. And they have a little smile. They're a bit nasty. Some of these said, I'm going to tell you what. Different turtles are different. And I'm no expert.

Tortoise. I have a Russian tortoise, which I feel is the best kind. One, they just eat lettuce. But different turtles are different. And I'm no expert. Tortoises. I have a Russian tortoise, which I feel is the best kind. One, they just eat lettuce. They only eat greens. They're dry. They just rest. You could leave them.

They don't like. Some of them do because they have different personalities. But don't just like. I've had turtles before at my house, like with my girl, that just flip themselves upside down. And then you walk in and they're, you know. And they're wet and they stink. That's exactly what I said to her.

I go, no, they're wet. Some stink. Some. Not the Russian tortoise. Not a Russian tortoise in a wool weave. All you have to ask yourself is, well,

are you ready to die with this thing? Cause it's going to live past you. He said, and who's getting it next? 32 years. Yeah. I'm not putting the fucking turtle on the lease. What are you talking about?

I'll take it. You're going to die before me. No, she's not. You're, you putting the fucking turtle on the lease. What are you talking about? I'll take it. You're going to die before me. No, she's not. You're, you're, you're on your way. I am.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll take it. I am like an old turtle. You're not an old turtle. You're, it's not that it's just like, you're sweet.

You're, you got this shell. Yeah. I'm saying we're ready. Yeah. We're ready. We're not soft. No,

but at the same time, I You're going to last for a minute There we go That's better than what I was going to say Have you seen turtles faces? They're always smiling They're always smiling It's hard to say what they're doing It's in that shape

It's the same Look I know turtles. They're not fucking smiling, lady. What they're doing is the same old thing all the time, and that's a wonderful thing. Yes. Because you don't got to worry about them, you know? But you can love them,

and you can put them right here and everywhere. How big is yours? Mine is like... Oh, nice. And you take them out and put them on you? Oh, if you don't, you're a fucking moron motherfucker. I mean, you have to. I don't want to be that. I'm take them out and put them on you If you don't you're a fucking moron motherfucker I mean you have to I don't want to be that

I'm taking them out You don't want to have them here and just like What's going on What do you get along with my cat They won't acknowledge it Cats are the type of way that they probably will Dogs don't even seem to acknowledge The turtle My tortoise doesn The turtle, my tortoise

doesn't care about any animals. Unless it's like a mouse or something because they'll fuck them up. What if you're gone for a couple days? Can you just load it up? You could if you're one of these, if you're treating your turtle very okay, your tortoise, your Russian tortoise, you can leave it

for a while and it'll be fine. I wouldn't do that because I love mine. So my buddies my bandmates if I'm gone they're coming in the cribbo and they're checking on it.

So you got turtle sitters. Yeah. My bass player Joe my guitar player Dom and then if we're gone it's with my girl and it's a great amazing hands.

Would you ever travel with them? It came in a UPS box to my doorstep because well I don't know if I can. We might get in trouble. But I'll say this. We can edit. My girl works somewhere.

Yes. They had all these animals. Petco. We took the tour. A restaurant. She had to ship it. It came on the plane in just this little UPS box. And I opened the door and there it is.

And it actually made me sad. Yeah, because it was a rough, I bet it was a rough journey. I one time was dating a guy who worked at a restaurant and he comes home and he's like, they were going to make soup out of it. And I opened the box and there's this old dusty turtle. And it was, it was going like this. Yeah, it was making a noise. It was going.

Oh, that's Mine doesn't make a peep If mine makes a noise Then literally Something's very It was wrong It died within days I got all the slides for it

I tried to feed it I tried to help it I chewed up food To put it In his mouth Do you live together? No You live separate

Yes You want a turtle for your crib No I want a turtle No she wants a turtle here Right here That someone else can take care of. Oh. Yeah. Well, if you get the right one. That he would

take care of. That's the thing. If you get the right one, they're easy. Don't just walk in and go, I need a turtle. Because then you're going to get one that eats cat food. Oh. You're going to get one that creates a smell. You're going to get one that, you know. You want a good dry one.

But turtle people are going to be mad at me because they like those ones as well. That's fair. You can like them. They're just not for you. They're not for me because we can't,

we don't want our house to smell like cat food all the time. Yeah. Would you tell I have a cat upstairs? I couldn't actually. Yes. I couldn't.

I mean, honestly, the decor, I'm getting cat vibe. Yeah. Like, I'm getting cat vibe now that I know, but initially, no, I did not know at all. He's just another roommate.

He's not really a cat. Yeah. What's the name? Samson. Love it. I have his name tattooed on my arm. Well, you see, that's a serious name. We're not calling him the N-word.

Yeah, I know. Half of what she says, in one ear, out the other. The other half, very nice and valid. I'm listening to all of it. Just wait until Drew gets here. I'll be like, you know what? We don't call it. Hey. I'm listening to all of it. Just wait until Drew gets here. I'll be like, you know what? Hey, I didn't want mine originally either.

Really? And then I grew and now I have a mug. I have a shirt. I have a photo on my phone screen. I have it all. And I didn't even know about them but three years ago. Dude, honestly, honestly, no, no bullshit. And there's no way you would know this. We've been having pet talk on almost every show.

And it's on the one that's like, no, we're not. No, we're not getting a fucking bulldog. That's what I do too. And then, dude, honestly, hearing this and seeing this, I'm kind of like, I've done this service here. Yeah. I've made something happen. Finally.

We got a fucking turtle. And then this fucking Nancy over here is upset. Come on, chime in. I'm going to be the one that takes care of this every single day. Are you? I'm going to have to feed it. I'm going to have to clean it. We're on the road every weekend.

Okay, what about this? That's what we're doing. That's the gimmick, man. That's what's got to happen. And that's a sad but true situation. I mean, dude, Ethan, how does it feel to take care of it?

You just throw some lettuce in it? Clean its cage. No, we'll clean the cage. Listen, if she gets the right one, it's not a clean the cage situation. The hardest part is you got to get it the right setup and then it's pretty much good to cage situation. The hardest part is you got to get it the right setup. And then it's pretty much good to go.

All you ever have to do is change out the food. If you want, they can go without eating for a while. I mean, you should, it's the right thing to do. Yeah. But we're not getting a nice big area.

Lots of to roam substrate. Anyway, I'm, I'm, I'm a bit of like a turtle pedo or something. No, you're a turtle. Enthusiast. Keep your baby. Steve a bit of a turtle pedo or something. No, you're a turtle enthusiast. The Steve Irwin of turtles. We can do that.

We take ours out, though, and we have a little outdoor setup. We have a little outdoor setup. We have multiple indoors. He's ready, man. He's got this shit. He's going to fucking lose it. Hey, but if you come home and the turtle's dead. 100%.

He looks like an air traffic controller with his hands. No, no, no, no. Come on. I'll take care of it a bunch. No, you won't. You can't even take care of yourself. I'm alive. It's been 32 years for me.

You're taking care of it. Wait, so you did stand up at a club? You're the one who ends up in gutters and smokes cigarettes all the time. I'm quite healthy. I went to Pilates. I have not been in a gutter since 2015. I have to make sure Ian drinks water every day. Yeah, you don't drink any water.

That's pathetic. I've had water. Coffee is water when ice melts in it. Has anyone ever got themselves more over than these guys right here? Oh, dude. It is wild. I used to get this shit to my crib. And I used to think, and this is no diss to death right here.

Much respect. And it's great. I used to think, who gives a fuck? Yeah. Yeah. But do you drink? No, I don't. Oh.

Hell yeah. I used to think, oh, who cares? This is just, they just give you people this stuff. Everybody gets it it and a couple months later you start seeing the story like i'm not buying this shit i get this i'll get this shit anytime i want it's free for everybody in the store and you're like then you see holy shit one your buddies nobody's getting it for free anymore only the top guys are getting it for free you know what i mean now us mid kind of people were losing it then you go on cnn and

the guy's like fucking a kajillionaire. It's the most genius thing ever created. Do you know what happened to me? I found out about it. I'm on tour with Louis C.K. And Colleen. Humble brag. Yep, humble brag.

Thank you. Bumble brag. That's sick though. And Colleen is like, please take a box. Colleen runs the, I don't know why I expected. Colleen runs the, what's the funny bone in Omaha? And he's like, she's like, please take a box of this like with death and make Louie

take it, please. It's my son's company. He's just started. It's and he needs, you know, it would really help a lot. I then go into Whole Foods. It's everywhere. Her son is a multi-millionaire. That's because that's their whole strategy.

The guy, I mean, and again, I'm team Wick with death, and I would like to get something for free and everything, but I'm just going to be honest. Yeah. The guy worked us all into thinking he was nothing. He's everything, and he's always been, and I'm pretty sure. You think he's always, and I'm pretty sure. I'm starting to see a lot of signs about it.

Dude, he's psyoptic. But Colleen, his mom... His mom's in on it. You think? I mean, would your mom help you? Yeah. I mean, you're fucking... You're helping out Tiny Tim. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Because you feel bad. Turns out that guy's fucking cock of the walk. I mean, and again... Tiny Tim who died singing Tulips? Yeah. Is Liquid Death sponsors the pod or they give you the drinks? They give it to us for free. That's awesome.

What are you saying about Tiny Tim? Tiny Tim was like this like you feel bad for him because he's, you know, weird and ugly in this and then it turns out he's like the man. Yeah, that's what Liquid guy did. Was that clear? What do you mean by the man?

Tiny Tim was the shit, right? I don't even really know what you're even saying. Tiny Tim is the one who sings. Can I be honest? Yeah. I thought you guys were going to gloss over the Tiny Tim. Yeah, why did you throw that out? No, but I get where you're coming from.

You're saying like, this is what you're saying. You're saying he's the- Like Kaiser Soze. Oh, Ian Fidance. You're like, he's the, this is what you're saying. You're saying he's the Kaiser. So is that? Oh, Ian Fidance. You're like, he's stupid and dumb. But, and then you're like, oh no, he's really cool. I don't know. It's more like a Jordan Jensen ring.

Like she's a shit. You don't have to go crazy. She's a dumb bitch. Oh, it turns out she's still dead. Anyway, you have a new album out. Before the album I wanted, I was asking a damn question. Jesus Christ. Good, good, good.

You broke your new necklace. What the fuck is going on? Why does he have a cane? What's going on? You were walking normal before. We just found out there's a god. I told you he's a tiny Tim. It don't fucking work.

I feel bad for me. Here's him outside. Want to go get a cig? Here's someone we got down here. I was like, brother, what's going on? I was injured for a while and I had a cane. Are we doing sympathy angle? No.

It has now become my weapon because she is a taser and she'll try to taser me. And to get it off, I have to cane her. You taser him? I don't. I've never touched it to his skin. Look, I got a little guy out of it. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. You could use it to clean the dirt out of your nails.

It made me think about mine, too. I always have dirt on mine. I have to cut mine super low. It's falling apart. This is like shaking for some reason. What the fuck is going on? I gotta get out of here. Let me ask the question

I've tried to ask three times. You said you're at a club where it's just like rich people and you do stand up for just rich people. You're like eyes wide shut. Social club, yeah. What's a social club? There are these places called like Ludlow House, Soho House, Golden Bond

and it's like rich people. Golden Bond. Zero Bond. Gold Bond? Soho house. Golden bond. And it's like rich people. Golden bond. Zero bond. Oh, zero bond. Gold bond. Gold bond. Like the powder. The gold bond conglomerate. They have a club you can join. Golden bonds.

Zero bond. All right. So these rich people, it's like social clubs. Like a country club in. It's eyes wide shut shit. You're a sick entertainer. You gotta not make that noise. And you put it in the... It's a piece of junk.

I mean, it fell off your neck without a touch. Oh, it was a gift from John Bertrip. Thank you. Brother, I watched this. I have no clue. I have no clue who John Bertrip is. I'm going to speak to him directly. I watched this necklace sit have no clue. I have no clue who John Birchap is. I'm going to speak to him directly. I watched this necklace sit on this young lady's fucking chest. She didn't move a fucking muscle in her throat right away.

So it's a piece of shit. And he got it on the way over to the crib and was like, I need something bad. It's completely. Is that a jewel? Do we have the jewel pot as well? Oh yeah You gonna hit it?

Oh shit Yeah that's right Don't taser Oh look that's her weapon too A knife out of a comb Alright I should have brought a gun and just busted it out Put it to her fucking dome.

Like, what are we doing now, motherfuckers? Dude, if you pulled out a gun... That would have been awesome. Oh, is that a knife and a comb? This is a fucking Glock. Would have been fire. That would have been great. Do you get paid to do the stand up for the rich people?

Yeah, 300 bucks for 20 minutes They pay you, they give you a free meal But it is hell You have to perform Have you ever done Yeah, of course The trick is you just do stories Tell me the tricks

Can I ask you a question? I'm sorry. You're right. Yes. I love you. I don't want to be involved in this. Yeah. We have to change the book.

Now. I say we reset with some Native American poetry. Read it. What we got? It's Mark Normanding. I say we reset with some Native American poetry. All right, read it. Yep. Ready? What we got? It's Mark Normanding.

Ooh. Right? That's our little rat guy on the toilet. Yeah. That's a rat man sitting on a shitty. Yeah. Okay, let me find a good one. Something short. Oh, this is my favorite.

The Great Spirit. You can tell it's been worn down by your weird ass hands. My favorite. It's got a little thing on it. The Great Spirit is in all things. He is in the air we breathe. The Great Spirit is our father, but the earth is our mother. She nourishes us, that which we put into the ground she returns to us.

Big Thunder. Isn't that nice? You know what else is like Big Thunder? He said us like ten times. Oh dude, if you lit him up holy fuck. Put it on his fucking dick, boys. Light him up. I pray to God this goes to the next

level. If you light him up, I pray to God this goes to the next level. If you light him up, I was just with fucking Tommy Dreamer and Bully Ray. I want to jump on this and just jump right onto this and smash this thing up. We're going to tear this whole shit up. But that's the starting point. If that hits anyone,

I'm going code style. Yes! Gushing. Who did that? I do it all the time I get all jacked up I'll do it right fucking now Dude I'll

Iggy Pop it Fucking cut my chest Let's go Wait I've done it I've actually done it You hurt your Dude

Yeah I'll smack my head I'll smack my fucking head Until it bleeds? No No no no Don't do it now I've done it and I will But with a

With a microphone Stop questioning You're taking me there right now No don't don't don't With a microphone yeah Okay Sometimes No, no, no. Don't do it now. I've done it and I will. But with the microphone? Stop questioning. You're taking me there right now. No, don't, don't, don't. With the microphone, yeah. Okay. Sometimes. But not breaking my nose.

Sometimes. No, I'm not breaking my nose. It's called getting color. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Wait, what are they called? Shows going a little bad? Yeah.

Shows going a little bad. You know how many times I've looked at my bass player? My bass player's a psycho as well and the show's going shit. I look at him, give him the signal. I don't know how he does it. Next thing I turn around,

he's got a masquerade, the whole face and chest. How? Wait, isn't it... What's it called in wrestling? We don't talk about the business. Ah, kayfabe. It's not called cutting.

It's called gigging. Gigging, yes. Well, no, we don't gig. It's all real. Yeah. Sometimes it's real. Sometimes it's not. I'm more of a real guy. No, no, don't do it. I'll faint. Don't do it tonight. Oh, she's been...

If you tase him, it's fucking all bets off. I'm going full animal. What's the worst thing you've done to your body on stage on accident or on purpose? I'm not like Gigi Allen or something. I'm just normal. But sometimes I get a little jacked up. You know what I mean? We're doing the kind of stuff we do. One time Ian jumped into a crowd and fell right down on the ground.

I mean, yeah. Did a front flip right to the floor. On the ground? Yeah. You got to suss it out. He didn't suss it. You got to front flip, crowd surf. He didn't suss it.

It was like a wrestling fall. I front flipped. Flap. Flap back back bump on the ground. Dark feeling. Here's a bump under. I played this show in Florida like a year ago and we were on this big stage and we do very like,

at the time we were doing very like insane haunted house lighting where you can't see shit and it's like smoky and stupid. But then I take one step, fall all the way off, the whole back, my like hematoma,

like three socks and like all bruised. What's a hematoma? Like it was just all bruised and black back here. And then I roll back up there and you keep going. Am I right or wrong?

If you're doing stand-off and you get hurt, do you quit? No, you keep fucking going. We don't quit. I was on stage with a cane. We don't quit. Yes. When I with a cane. We don't quit. Yes.

When I lose my voice, I still do stand up like this. Hey, everybody. There's no option for us. I have had. Life's hard. Be hard. We have to eat. I have.

You got to fucking eat. I have had crippling period cramps on stage and just leaned over the. I don't like him today. He's a bad guy. I've been up since 630. Look at me. You've literally never even been close to the amount of pain that that feels like. You haven't even been close. I believe that.

And I agree. It feels like somebody is breaking open your pelvis and a giant black man is bouncing you like this in your... A black man? Yeah. Why? Why? Because they're man. Yeah, yeah. Why? Big black man. Why? Because they're stronger.

Because of... Ah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I admit you're right and that's why I got you the period pad for your belly. I'm on one right now. I've been up since 6.30.

I did radio. Me too, dude. Dude, I flew here. I got to the Pittsburgh airport today at 5 a.m., got on the flight, landed, took the two-hour lift to Sirius.

Right from Sirius, right to here. Yes. Two-hour lift? Yeah. That's crazy. I know because I don't know what's going on. I'm from Pittsburgh. I don't know what's going on. Where'd you fly in? The train where I'm from, we don't go on the train. I got attacked in Pittsburgh recently. Not attacked.

I got yelled at. Where? At a club. I said that porn was gay because you guys watch a lot of men come and a guy flipped out at me. Well, now you have a Pittsburgh army because we've met and that will never ever happen again. Yay. Because when you come to Pittsburgh

now, you're safe and protected. We'll be at the show. We'll be in the crowd. Yes. We'll make sure you better laugh. Nice. That's all I want. Yes. We'll make sure. You better laugh. Nice. That's all I want. And you just start smashing your head with a microphone. I'll be more calm that night probably.

The guy was really scary. He really hated that I said that. You're not scary if you're some bitch yelling at some stand-up comedy, like a woman who's in stand-up comedy. It's like, you're just a fucking pussy for doing that. Yeah, but that city is hardcore. I love Pittsburgh. It's wonderful. Pittsburgh's always been good to me. Everybody shows up, shows out.

It's a really good time. I love Pittsburgh. Do you know Studebaker Metals? Have you heard of them? No. In Pittsburgh? No. It's my friend's company. Made me the ska ring. That's cool. He needs to make me some shit. He needs to make me. We'll do it. But I'm Pittsburgh. He should make it for me. What's cool. He needs to make me some shit. He needs to make me. We'll do it.

But I'm Pittsburgh. He should make it for me. What's the area code of Pittsburgh? 412. 412 ring. I would love that. You're going to wear one as well? I'll do it.

People are going to question you on that. Yeah. He has a lot of thick questions. Yeah. He has Philly tattooed on his leg. He has his product of New York tattooed on his leg. Oh, brother. You got the incendiary. Yeah. She has Philly's tattoo on his leg. He has his product of New York tattooed on his leg. Oh, brother. You got the incendiary gimmick.

She has it too. Yeah. Oh. Where did that start? Is that literally from them? Yeah. That's incendiary thing? Shit.

We're getting a call. I mean, I've known him for fucking, I've known him for 12 years or something. I've known him forever. We played fucking WWE together It was us Yeah you didn't know this? No

So my band played And Brendan sang And we played this guy out Cause they had a song Oh shit he did talk about that He did talk about that And that was us Like I was drumming at the time

Whoa And it was all Wait which guy? Cause our band had the theme song For the event Like you know when the event Comes on our song So we played that to open

and they said, hey, do you know this dude, Brendan from the Center? Do you guys want to do this walk? I'm like, fuck yeah. I've known him forever. That's fucking awesome. It's on YouTube. It's like Alistair Black is the guy's name. Oh, dude. That rips. I've known them forever. I love them guys. Yeah.

Maybe we can name the turtle Alistair. That's close enough. I like Alistair. That's close enough. I like Alistair. That's a good. I don't like that at all. No? No. He won't be coming near Shelly with that kind of name. Alistair.

Okay. All right. We'll stick to the N. No. I'm fine with that. What should we name him? I want to name it N-I-K-K-A. What about Marlboro?

No. Marley. Marlboro. We can do Marley because my favorite billboard in New York says Marley on it and I'm getting it made into it. Favorite what? Billboard in New York. It's like a Chinese scrap metal yard. I thought you said billboard. No, I said billboard. Yes. Yes. I know what those are.

You both need a nap. No, I'm good. You both need a nap. You're acting up. You both. I think it's more him. Why am I involved? It's a little contagious. No, you did shit.

I was great. I did the head spot, but other than the head, I've been normal. No, I see you, sleepy. Both of you need to lay down. We're in the entertainment business. We're up all day and night. Thank you. Yeah. both of you need to lay down we're in the entertainment business we're up all day and night thank you just can't sit a man who cannot sit regular

I am totally normal I do truly have the like sitting this way disease like I can't sit like good your long boy healed long boy yeah how tall are you like 6'3".

Jealous. You seem longer than that. 5'8". I tower on you, brother. 7'. Are you 5'7"? No, you're not. 5'8".

You're 5'8". I felt you were a good height. Thank you. He's a good height. He's a datable height. There's undatable, and it's just below you. I like dating tall, too. Yeah.

David Bowie and his chick. Wait, how tall is David Bowie? Normal, but his chick is huge. Yeah. One thing that does make me sad and sick is I go around this rock and metal world and I meet these guys and they're all so little.

Yeah. That's because they can flip around. They're little guys. And I'm like, the lead singer of Ascender here is a little puck. He's a little man. I go and I go,

I just think, does it not count for anything to be big? You know what I mean? Because you could be little and just make it. Oh, Rollins is huge. I don't know why I like that. Yeah, I mean, he's jacked up. I mean, there's a lot of little jacked up guys. Have you met him?

No. Is he? Oh, I'm genuinely asking. I've hooked up everybody's heights. Oh, I thought you were going to say you hooked up with him for a second. Can you imagine? I was like, fuck it. Get in the van. I've hooked up with him in my mind a lot. Oh, I thought you were going to say you hooked up with him for a second. Can you imagine? I was like, fuck it. Get in the van.

I've hooked up with him in my mind a lot. Oh, hell. But yeah, he's very tall. I think Iggy Pop is kind of tall. Some of them are, but a lot of them coming up to the nuts. Well, also, metal fan guys, a lot of them are little bald beard guys. Yeah, those ones don't like us. Really?

We never worked with those ones. What do you have? Autistic, autism. People kind of gothic, autism. Do a lot of, and I'm not saying this as a knock, but, like, the first live show we did, God bless her, I forget her name, but this girl, like, shaved head, bones in her ears, like, total like, ah, came up and was

like, you guys make me feel comfortable being me. And I was like, that feels really nice, but am I a freak? Am I? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, someone last night goes, he was foreign, he goes, has anyone told foreign? Oh. We don't have

ears today. He was mid fart He was farting I came home I was like You better hold this story up Cause I'm about to get real excited Hey man I gotta tell you something

Let me finish this one He was awful farting Okay He goes Has anyone told you That you're very scary Up there It's just

It's just Daniel Simonson You got that You have You got a nice energy Again we were getting into that But we don't want to Piss anybody off No piss me off

But you guys do need a nap You're right We gotta relax Hi everyone out there In TV land It's your old pal Ian here If you're looking to level up your home With zero effort

Displate has you covered I'm gonna level with you Look into this thing. Look it up. You might like it. It's a, it's a decoration for your house and your apartment. It's cool. And if you get one, it helps us out. And then we make a little bit of money off the ads. And then that means we can keep doing more cool stuff that you guys like. This stuff isn't cheap. What do you think? It falls from the sky?

No. It takes... Displate. It's a poster. Thank you, Ethan. Look at this. Look at this. You want this?

Huh? Hang it on your wall. Give it to a friend. You know, someone in a dorm. Give that to them. Decorate your stuff with this plate. I love Marlboro. Yep.

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Get a display with our face on it. Star Wars. Football. Display. I just saw a bunch of stand-up comedy. What? I went to the, um, what's it called in Austin? Comedy Mothership? Yeah. No shit. Oh, that's dope.

Yeah. You don't like it. This is what I was thinking. Hey, you haven't played there. I didn't like that. What I saw in Little Boy. Why? What's it? Big Boy and Little Boy.

Did you play it? No, I just watched and it was all like, oh, shut up. That's the vibe I thought I was going to get. Yeah. And that's why I presented that because I was feeling like I don't know this. I'm not going to act like I know the stand up comedy politics and gimmick. Yeah. And that's why I presented that because I was feeling like I don't know this. I'm not going to act like I know the stand up comedy politics and gimmick. Yeah. But you guys are punk. Yeah.

You're punks. Right. I knew that place wasn't going to fly all the way. Yeah. I was in there. I was like this is a little too mainstream. A little too jock. Well just the way it looks because it looks like a laser tag place. It does. It was cool. It was fun though.

It has very tag. Yeah, very tag box. It'd be cool if there was laser in there as well. I know. But it was good. It was cool. I only could get into the one the little one. Yeah. Because I think they were doing the Tony Hinchcliffe the other day.

I feel like all the humor there is trying to do Tony Hinchcliffe the other day. I feel like all the humor there is trying to do Tony Hinchcliffe stuff. Like all of it is like. I. Finish yes. All of it feels like it's like I wish I could I wish I could punch gay people in the face. That's literally a joke that I heard. I heard a couple people like that.

There was a lot of people don't seem to like the gays. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of anti-gays. That's why I'm personally good with them. Okay. We're stating a fact, though. No, I don't know it's a fact. It is a fact.

No, it's not. It's a Rogan and a Hinchcliffe rub off. No, it's not. It is. It is. It is. You've been there? Yes, I played there a bunch.

I'm sure you have. Tell what we need to know. Yes. Let's hear your one time seeing headliners. One time. We've seen headliners. Have you seen the showcase? I've played there on both stages.

Okay, but have you seen the showcase of the young ones? I've played a weekend there. I've been there a ton. I played there a ton. You were seeing one person on stage. No, I saw 11 people. Oh, and this, yeah, in the small room, it was probably the open mic

where people were trying to prove themselves. I was at the open mic, and I saw some people I know. You're judging an open mic. Yeah, I'm not judging the headliners that are my friends that I know. No, but you're like, this place is bad because I saw-

I don't think it's bad. I just don't like Austin comedy. When I got the, like I said, I just dropped in, you know, I'm just a little drop in and I was like I'm starting to see the whole game I'm starting to see I could see there are people who don't like this I could see

there being you know you could see this but I could see it but the thing about comedy isn't it kind of like everyone's so individual that there's not really a way to like group it up like music or is it like it's very that's why I don't like Austin I like Austin Austin crowds. They are sick. I love them. They were laughing.

They're amazing. Popping for everything. Just so you know, might not have been that funny because they're popping for everything. No matter what they say, they're popping. They're loving every minute of it. Yeah, it is true. But when I watched the open mic, I was like, wow, everybody is pulling out like a Down Syndrome,

a gay, a da-da-da-da-da. That's your set. I totally I know. Oh, she does a lot of that as well. Yeah, that's her entire act. As soon as I went to Austin, I abandoned all of that. Her whole thing is like, I want a Down Syndrome baby. Yeah. I have said that. I have said that before.

Well, listen, listen. Just because, guess what? I'm gonna diss you now because I got to get her back. Yes, because you know how it is. She might say it something and it's funny, but other people like people play song. I play music in a genre where many of the people who do it do it very shit. Yes, but we're all lumped together. We're all doing the same thing at the end of the day.

You know what I mean? But I get what you're saying. There were good people. There were a lot of people saying retard. You know what I mean? But I get what you're saying. There were good people. There were a lot of people saying retard. Which I say, but now after going to Austin, I got rid of all of my down syndrome shit. I got rid of all the retard shit.

It awakened you? I was just like, oh, everybody is now doing this. Because the woke movement pushed everybody into edgelord. And I definitely rode that a little bit. And then I went to Austin and I was like, oh, all these little kids are doing it and then i was like this sucks like because my stuff is like sure i'll say i want a down syndrome baby but then it's like i also have crippling ocd want to kill myself and all this stuff but with them it was like i hate gays down syndrome retard and it was

like i don't even know who you are i just know that you're saying these words like a bomb literally this is him that whole time like this we probably don't want to get into a scenario where we're insulting each other's sets right now. I'm not going to. Because I will let loose. Oh, if you let loose, I'll fucking burn the place. Alright, so maybe let's not even go there. Alright. Okay. What were you going to say? I think you were. I wasn't.

Okay. What I was going to say was... Go ahead, defend mothership because you want to play there. No, I'm defending the idea of judging an entire place or scene based on a couple people you see. Because as a comic, you know, some nights you're trying stuff out and it doesn't work. Some nights you're going after this. And to judge something based on like one viewing of a thing and making a blanket, whatever, I think is, is doing a disservice to, uh, comedy in general.

You know, a lot of people do that. They see white guys on stage. You go, Oh, all white guys are like this. Oh, only black comics talk about that. Cause they've only seen a couple. So I understand what you're saying and you probably did see it. And maybe I haven't been around there enough to, to say that, yes, that's what it all is. I should have never brought it up. That's all I know. No no no this is how the podcast

goes. It's us fighting the entire time. That's what this is. I love her with all my heart and if someone ever did something to her I'd kill them and go to jail. Oh no we fight the whole time. That's all we do. We literally are holding weapons. I love you guys. See I want to be involved. But there's never going to be a time where I go into a place

see a bunch of something and not leave with a judgment. I'm never going to be a time where I go into a place, see a bunch of something, and not leave with a judgment. I'm never going to go and sit by the table at the cellar and walk away and be like, maybe that was just a loud night for that table. You know what I mean? Like, when I sit by that table, I'm like, oh, they're loud, brah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I wanted to fist bump you, but I went for the leg instead. Your leg's not hurt at all. You're now using your leg like a hand. Put it away. Did you think that I would know what this meant? I thought I wouldn't do it for you. You guys need to nap. You're out of control.

I think I'm in control. I feel controlled. He's nailing it. I'm treading water. I'm behind the wheel. You just accidentally mistook your foot for your hand. You're like, yes, yes. I'm steering this whole ship.

That's insane. You are a turtle, dude. Get on your back like that again. You are. You're a little turtle, man. You are a turtle. That's true. You are a turtle.

Look at that. Dude, imagine like a little T where it's your head on a turtle. Oh my God. Yep. We need to think of something. It could be a big T, too. What does that mean? It could be big.

Oh, I thought you said a pig. I was like, no, it can't be a pig. It's got to be a turtle. It's certainly not. No, but yeah, it could be big. So we agree that I'm a tiger. Yeah, I like that. What do you think?

What do you really think? Could be a lion. Can we just get back to one thing I just want to say real quick? Yeah. You mentioned the table at the cellar and I just remembered an insult Attell had. It's a table of black comics. For, I just, not always, but I just remembered the other night on stage

Attell told Ari, he goes, Ari you look like the landlord of a box. Ari, um... I met him. Dude, he was very nice to me. He's a sweetie. I met him coming out of that Danny Brown thing, and I was scared because I've seen him,

you know, like on the screen. Yeah, he pulls his penis out. And I was like, oh, he's in real life. Yeah. This man from YouTube. Dude, he once saw Danny Brown and crowd surfed. He said that the crowd was like moshing. It was like a push pit. Nobody was like spanking. I like a push

pit. Yeah. Danny Brown's cool as fuck. Yeah. You met him before you know him? No, no. I'm just like a fan of his stuff. I enjoy him. I mean, I didn't know him either. I was just a fan of his music and I was like they're letting me on this shit? Great. It's a radio show? It's like a podcast. It was at that

In the morning? No, no. It's not in the morning. It was this morning. No. You went this morning. No! He wasn't today! No! You need a nap! This is when I went to Austin and this is when I went to the comedy mothership. You did a podcast at the mothership?

No. Danny Brown is a part of your mom's house studios. Your mom's house? I thought you were from Pittsburgh. I was there too. I saw him too. He's the shit. He didn't say a word to me. I'm just nobody.

He was there. I got your back. Tell myself what's up. Let's beat's the shit. Yeah. He didn't say a word to me. I mean, I'm just nobody. He was there. I got your back. Tell myself what's up. What are you going to do? Let's beat the fuck out of him. Yeah. I'll do it. I was thinking about it then. You know what? I was like, in my sick head, I was sitting there. I was like, I really want to make something of myself. I'm going to beat his ass right now. Maybe they'll turn

the camera around. Whose house is it now? Get on YouTube somehow. Get on YouTube somehow. Jamie know? Get on YouTube somehow. Jamie, you can upload your own videos. He's 30. 30. Wait, how old are you guys? 32.

Oh, I thought you were going to say younger. I was about to kill myself. Yeah, I was going to kill myself. We're all a similar vibe. How old do you think I am? You're 30-something. 30, 29? 38.

Oh, 38? Dude, you're doing great. Thank you. You guys are doing great. You got the cast. Yeah. You got... That. Thank you. You guys are doing great. You got the cast. Yeah. You got that's going on. She said she went out with Louis C.K.

I went on the road with him. I feel I'm going to become a big fan of you as soon as this is done. I'm going to watch everything you've ever done. Just you wait. Go ahead. See what happens. You guys seem like top guys to me. Top of the field situation. You're a sweet man. We're not top.

Thank you. Yeah, you're pretty top. We're top. We're upper middle class. We're middle class. You need to know about the other casts, though, in the future, all the other podcasts. I don't know about them.

Bro. See, you're punk. I knew her vibe was punk, man. I knew when I brought up the mothership. Clip it. Clip that. Or ill. Well, you're ill. I knew when I brought up the mothership. Clip it. Clip that. Punk or ill? Well,

you're ill. I'm ill. We're all a little ill at the end of the day. I was. I was. I thought you were going to get upset. I am so happy your face transformed into a video. She was mad at one point. I'm more scared of her than the taser.

Here's when she was mad and went like this. Ready? We don't want to start talking about sets now. That's when I was like, whoo. That was the equivalent of I've been there with my band as well. I'm like, nice. I say to Joe, I'm like, pretty good

jump, man. Got about two inches off the ground. Looks awesome up there. It's got about this high. That looks great, man. And he's just like, your singing notes are extremely off. I'm like, I know, brother.

What's fist fight? Punk or ill? That was the equivalent of being in a relationship where the girl's like, babe, babe. And you're like, oh, I'm in trouble. But you are mentally insane because you tripled down in that moment of anger

and you were like, I'll fucking say it about your set too much. Oh, yeah. I will double, double, double deck her triple down. Well, that's not good. And I've been in a relationship for 10 years. Do you think we're in a relationship? Are you guys not? No.

No. No. Do you think that hurts? All right. Let's rewind. What? No. The fuck is going on then? Where are we?

Why is this done down here? Whose house is this? Why are you guys talking about having a pet together? Because nobody will love us and we're repulsed by each other. No. That was the angle.

I guess I'm old school. Years ago, you would have had to be to have the cast. Now it's just, it makes sense that I didn't think it going in. The pet conversation made me think totally. Then you're saying you guys are in love. He's got his hand on the

leg multiple times. Really? Yeah. He touched your leg at one point. And you play the tape back and you'll see that. So, long story. But at the same time, I'll touch my brother's leg as well, so I get it. What's up?

All right. Well, that actually recontextualizes shit and like... We're best friends. Now it's actually recontextualizes shit. And like. We're best friends. Now it's like shit's changed. Yeah. Yeah. And enemies. We're like brother, sister. Now it's changed.

Each other. Is that him and I? We can start burying the shit out of you. Yeah. No. Two on one. No. That's.

That's how good of a dude you were. Because I think you thought I was ganging up on my girlfriend. And you're like. I did. I did. And listen. And now you're on my on my girlfriend. And you're like, well, I did. I did. And listen, I knew she was decent. And now you're on my side about everything because you're seeing reality.

Oh, 100%. No! Here's the situation. Yes. Yes. Here's the situation. I'm not going to Vegas and we're hanging out tonight. Oh, you're coming out.

I am. And Boomeray's coming. I didn't even want to go to Vegas. You're mad because I said you need a nap. That's it. No, I'm not mad. Quit telling us we need naps. You, you, you, you can very much handle yourself.

Do you still think I'm a majestic beast? Yeah. Okay. I do, but at the same time, I'm like. What? What do you feel? Well. Tell me your assessment knowing now that I don't chug his weird dick.

It's not weird. It just performs differently on different days. This is an insane botch job on my end. I should have did my damn research. I wouldn't be looking like a damn fool. You're nailing it. I love it. You're not together in this basement. Very Wayne and Garth situation a damn fool. You're nailing it. I love it. You're not together.

We're in this basement, very Wayne and Garth situation in this basement. And you're burying the shit out of each other. It's making more sense. When you were together, it was weird.

What was, how did we bury? Oh, because we had a sister. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's so nice that you thought that I was like abusive

to her and then you were like, I got your back, girlfriend of the monster. I was getting ready to fight you at one point. And then now you know the reality and your team turned. Oh yeah, now it's pretty much whoever is really right, I will really tell you. Okay, what was I wrong about? You really weren't wrong about anything, but I just came from the, you were pretty much whoever is really right, I will really tell you. Okay, what was I wrong about?

What was he wrong about? You really weren't wrong about anything, but I just came from the... You were pretty much right the whole time. Was I? No. You guys both made a lot of sense. No, you did. You did.

The comedy mothership thing, both points were actually true. Thank you. And I thought both things when I was there. Yes. Really? But then when you guys were together, it was kind of like, are we doing a bit? Am I getting involved? Like, what the fuck's the deal? Interesting. Maybe

we should tell people we are enemies. Yes. Yeah. You're enemies? That love each other. No, we're... Friends. Do you hang out outside of this? Yeah. All the time. That's awesome. That's how it should be. Go on trips. We went camping and rode horses.

We're going to a renaissance fair with Nikki and Aaron from Nothing. Do you know those guys? You don't want to be together? We are best friends. That's really what it is. She's like my sister. I love it. And I like the whole thing even a little bit more. Oh, thank you. Not that my opinion

was ass, but I'm just telling you this is my perspective. She also doesn't agree with some of the tenants of my lifestyle. I get it. Homosexuality. Oh, you're gay. No, half. You're half. Yeah.

Love it. And then that I think that even. Are you? Nope. Well, then guess what? I'm not surprised. It's not that. Why do you get to say anything about all the gay jokes and all that?

He gets to decide if it's fine or not. Because he is. And I'm retarded, so I get to decide about that. Me too. Because I'm not gay, so I get to assess as somebody who could be homophobic that the homophobic jokes aren't funny because I am the closest being a homophobe in this room. But you are a homophobe. Well, listen. No. My moms are gay.ophobe. Well, listen. No.

My moms are gay. Oh, fuck. Another rant. Yes. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Okay. Bang the queen.

She was raised by four lesbians. She's back. She's back. Yeah. Three lesbians. So you're back on equal platform. Yeah. And that being the case,

yeah, we're back. You're both correct about it. And my mom's ain't bi. They lesbian. Hard. But do you like that comment? Because whether you're bi or lesbian, does it really matter? No, he's queer.

No, don't insult me. I'm me. I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. Don't insult me. I'm not about labels. But show them how you point. Man, I do do this a lot. He can't help it. I love it. I mean, this is insult me. I'm not about labels. Show him how you point. I do do this a lot. I love it.

This is what my mom said when she met Ian. I love Ian. He's adorable. Why are his hands so gay? Let me see it. Sometimes I do this. His hands are incredibly homosexual. Sometimes I'm walking around or I'm doing something. I'm walking around and this is sad. All of a sudden,

dude, I do it like this. I do that. She has smacked my hand because I just put my hand like this. It's so weird. And I don't realize. If we could montage how many times he does that, it's disgusting.

Look at the little paw pad here. It gets all swollen like this and it just sits there. Well, you don't need to dissect like that. I like it. It's like a little beaver. Look at that thing. Look at that. I do the same. A little bed for a queen. Puffy. What's this little toy?

Let's see. I like it. I like all the rat things. Right? Thank you. I don't like her because she has bloody mouth. You might like her. And we had messed up John Bertrup's necklace. Who's John Bertrup's necklace. Ow!

Who's John Bertrup? I didn't mess it up. He also sent us this. Yes! Isn't that cool? He's a gator. That's nuts. He goes.

It's not real. Oh, it's real. It was a real one. I'm going to be near it. It's not alive. Are you a vegan? No, I'm not at all. Let me touch it.

Be careful because the teeth are very sharp. You put your dick through that? I go look at the gator tongue. That would be actually Oh, and John Burchard made us this too. That's a Patreon gimmick, putting the cock through the ear. Good idea.

I've been coming up with ideas for so long not getting shit for any of that. Hey, you know what? You deserve something. Have a beef jerky. This guy just came up. I'm not getting shit for any of that. Hey, you know what? You deserve something. All right. Have a beef jerky. What the fuck? This guy just came up. I'm not.

I just told you. No. He's a vegan guy. He doesn't live there. He's a vegan gay guy. Do you want this necklace? I'm gay and vegan and I'm from Sirius. I was born at Sirius XM where me and Danny Brown did a podcast earlier.

If she even knows who that is. God. This is so affirming to me. Good lord. She needs to check in. No, I'm punk, not ill. Remember? Definitely punk. I feel it.

Thanks. What time is your show tonight I don't know come on 8 you're gonna come yeah if you guys come

that'd be great I'd never expect anyone to come but yeah if you're gonna I've never had a friend in my life I mean our guest list

empty every single every single day of my Jordan Jensen put my name on the list your guys are going on and if you don't show up you don't show up you're gonna be on the list

and you're gonna be very on the list at the top of it yes are you gonna go I'm gonna see if I can change my flight to tomorrow morning you're famous man change it oh you're in comfy plush though be hard to find that again I know question

who's playing the thing tomorrow you're doing it's a comedy festival we all do it every year it's really fun it's like a ton of fans and people that dig All of Us Go. We do a bunch of different shows and podcasts. You eat candy

in the green room. I'm sure you can relate music fests like Tie Down or FYA or whatever. It's like a summer camp. Playing is whatever, but you get to hang out with all your friends that you never see. The hardcore version just has a lot of gang violence as well. Yes.

Not ours. Yeah, the comedy one's more fun. Yeah. No, me and Ian have a really fun time because we're both sober and everybody goes there to get fucked up. I'm sober. Yeah. I've never done a drug or drink a drink in my whole life. No way. Ever. Wow. No shit ever? Except one time on accident when we made this last time I've never done a drug or drink a drink in my whole life no way ever wow

no shit ever except one time one accident when we made this last time I accidentally ate a gummy because I that's not your fault

but it was an accident and I was high for three days no how many milligrams dude it was like oh that's so scary like in the hundreds amount is that a real thing

yeah yeah yeah people do that just to wait I want to hear the story I want to hear the story. I want to hear the story. Okay, so my knees and shit are all beat up and I'm a fucking

I go hard. I've also been training jujitsu for eight years, so my knees are like shredded. Oh, damn. So my mom was telling me, you need to, you know, she's probably listening to some fucking cast, some of the fucking mainstream cast. Not like this. Yeah, all those guys. That guy's stupid. some fucking cast, some of the fucking mainstream cast. Not like this.

All those guys. That guy's stupid. Not like punk stuff. But basically, they're talking about CBD. They love CBD. They love that CBD. All the cast people love CBD. So my mom says, take a CBD that doesn't have the THC

for your knees. So we're at the Airbnb. We're making this record with Steve Albini And I opened Yeah dude, with Steve Albini Wait, the new one? Yeah, we recorded it with him Was he your in with Billy Corrigan? No, separate

I'm just a 90s god I find them all Dude Collect them like fucking Thanos Like Collective Soul I'm still waiting on them Who's Steve Albini in? Who's Steve Albini in? Who's Steve Albini in?

Steve Albini, are you kidding me? Oh my God, oh my God. Show me. Wait, can I finish my story? Yes, yes, please. Please, I would love nothing more. All right, so this is what happens. Basically-

I can't wait for them to boat team naps on my lap. Basically. Basically. Fuck. I don't know who's I traded thought. Yeah, dude. Welcome to our lives it's fucking

sucks in our brains this place is the inside of our head I'm gonna hold the mic again it's really hard like I really mean though if the taser goes off

I'm I'm gonna fucking go insane I'm gonna flip this shit I'm hitting him right in his jaw taste now he's getting knocked

out of me instantly okay so I open the drawer I see the CBDs my mom said to take his jaw. He's getting knocked out of me instantly. I open the drawer. I see the CBDs. My mom said to take some. The back of it doesn't have anything because it's been ripped off. I think there's no gimmick in it. I swallow it. I think everything's fine. I'm sitting there. I'm inside the TV.

Then I thought I had a heart attack. I begged them to take me to the hospital. Slow down. What happened? You're looking at the TV. We're playing. It's like very stereotypical, which is the other thing I kept thinking during that. I kept thinking, so all these movies

where they do this stereotypical stuff, like this, like, you know, this high stuff. Yeah. It's really how you feel. Yes. So everything changed in that moment. I was like, wow,

like the movies are really good and accurate. I always thought it was just, I never did any of it. So I was like, these people are fucking morons. Yes. So everything changed in that moment. I was like, wow, this like the movies are really good and accurate. I always thought it was just I never did any of it. So these people are fucking morons. Yeah. Anyway, we're playing Mario Kart at night. All of a sudden, I'm like my eyes are like inside Mario Kart. Like I'm my I've gone towards the TV

and my body is like still here. Yeah. And then I started having a panic attack and my heart is going so fast and I think I'm having a heart attack because my body is like still here. Yeah. And then I started having a panic attack. And my heart is going so fast. And I think I'm having a heart attack because my body's here. But my mind is here kind of. Yes. And so I beg them. They're all laughing at me.

I'm like, please. I said to my bass player, I'm like, Joe, I've never been more serious in my life. Take me to the hospital right now. Yes. I've taken people to the hospital too high. I'm going to die. And he's like, dude, you're good. Thankfully, my keyboard is two rocks.

Grabs the bag of it and he goes, watch this. And takes a bunch of them and just eats them all. Oh, what a sweetie pie. And then. Did that help you so much? Yeah. Oh my God. It did.

Because I was like, well, we're both. Well, first I was like, we're both dead. Took a bunch? Wow. Because I was like, well, we're both, well, first I was like, we're both dead. Took a bunch? Wow. Because he's impervious. That's like when a kid has cancer and everyone shaves their head to make him feel nice.

No, that's even crazier. I'd shave my head, but you couldn't pay me a million dollars to eat 50 milligrams of weed. If you did that, I'd go down with your ship.

No, it was more than 50. I know, it was 50. I'm saying you couldn't pay me. Shade, my keyboardist was like, dude,

this is like the most I've seen in one of these ever because i just took it out of the drawer of someone's home which is like yeah now i think about an airbnb it's just someone's home and i just took their shit which i shouldn't have done you know and then i could have it could have been fentanyl or something you i can't i believe could not be here right now it just said cbd and you're like oh no the back, the back had literally the top piece that says that part was ripped off and everything else was there. And I don't know.

Long story short, I'm straight edge. I've been straight edge. I technically broke it because of that. But it doesn't count. It was a fucking accident. It's an accident. It's not intent. Did you have fun at all on the drug?

Day two was pretty fun. Day one. It's not intent. It's an accident. Did you have fun at all on the drug? Day two was pretty fun. Okay. Day one. That's crazy. Dude, recording drums with Steve Albini on like the most important thing in your life and you're just fucked up and you've never been fucked up and you're like, it was scary. Did you tell him? No, I'm not telling him nothing.

Really? I just would keep writing to Shade and stuff on the phone. It would say like, he's weird. He's looking at me weird. He's an odd guy. He's an odd guy. And you're just like this looking at him writing into your phone. He didn't talk for me. I was like, but I was drumming like a fucking beast.

Hitting it all. Wow. That's fucked up. He's buying new tickets so he can go to your thing. I love it. That's crazy. I live for it. The. I love it. That's crazy. I live for it. Well, the panic attack,

I've had it before. My thoughts racing. You try meditating out of it. You did drugs before. Oh yeah. Oh, okay. Hard.

Every drug you've ever seen, except for all of them. Not meth or crack. Did you heroin? Heroin? No. Okay. Well,

I've done a lot though. Yeah. Okay. But definitely tell people you didn't do heroin in the future. No, I didn't do heroin. Because you say all of them. I forgot about that one. You said all of them, and then we just systematically named.

I'm a profaned guy big time, sadly. I know you've had some whippets. What's the third one? Acid. And acid? You've never done acid? No. That's good.

He's sober. He's sober. He's straight edge. What happened when you got to be about 13 and your friends were like, you want some beer? Hardcore punk happened. Really? You were hardcore punk at 13? Brother, I am hardcore punk. I believe you.

That's why when motherfuckers try to pull my card, can't be pulled. It is me. It was me. Who pulls a card? I'm not going to drop it. I already dropped it. I dropped it at one point I'm sorry

You're allowed to do that I did the unplug spot And You gotta laugh You gotta laugh Do whatever the fuck you feel And want We should do a band

The three of us Dude can I tell you I have been Wanting to sing In a hardcore band So bad The problem is dude Everybody wants to sing

You gotta earn singing Yeah And don't try to use your fame to be the singer. I sang. Earn it by being good. Or learn an instrument and sitting back. I played guitar in a ska band. Alright, well, we'll start with you on guitar and we'll see how you do.

I'm terrible at guitar. Or drums. You were born to do it. Thank you so much. It's very School of Rock. Like, I see you and I go like, drummer. I love drums. And I see him and I go, stylist. Yeah. And I see you and I go like drummer. I love drums. And I see him, I go stylist. Yeah. I see him and I go future singer, but has to earn it.

He needs an ego check. Too much of a top, too much of a top guy. So for now, very Jack Black style. I'm going to be the singer. Yes. And he's going to have to play guitar

and they're playing my songs. Wait, why are you, do you drum? Yes. So, but not tonight. No, I sing drum? Yes. But not tonight. No, I sing now.

I also drum on the records with our drummer. And I drummed on our old records. And I used to drum. Nobody gives a shit, but yeah. But now you sing. So you earned singing. Absolutely. Dude, so hold on.

Earned every inch of everything I've ever had. Yeah, dude. Nice. Fucking yes. Yeah. You know. You know. A little E.T. sitch.

Hold on. So what was it like being with Steve Albini? Do you know Steve Albini? He produced In Utero for Nirvana. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. He did. Yeah.

Why else do I know him? What else is another thing? He did Pixies. Yes. He did. He also has done tons of obscure punk. Wasn't he in Rape Man? Big Black.

I'm trying to think. The Squirrel Song. What was the name of that band? I used to listen to them and then I stopped. I saw a documentary with him in it. Yes, that makes sense. That must have been so intimidating but cool. I wasn't intimidating because we knew what the fuck we wanted to do

and the way it worked was like we produced it and he engineered it. So we kind of were running the show, which was awesome. He was like making it sound good. So it was great, but it was fun. How'd you get the name Code Orange? When I was about 12 years old,

my band started when we were like 13. We all went to middle school we were like 13. Oh. Yeah. Wow. We all went to middle school and high school together. Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. Every single person except our new drummer. I've known since I was like 12 or 11. So we thought, my dad just thought of it.

Really? Because we were into some like kind of punk like anti-flag type shit. Like all that kind of shit. And like it was like the terror alert system. My dad was like, what if you guys were called the Code Orange Kids? And I was like, sounds amazing. And then as we got

older, it became like in town. We would always be playing with adults. Thank God he wasn't like, how about Amber Alert? I mean, he's a genius. What can I say? It's a dog shit name, but every name sucks pretty much. It works now. Basically, as we went around,

we were like little kids who would go play with adults. We would play... Do you know the band The Menzingers? Yes. We would play when we were 15 basements with them when they were adults

and everybody would be like drinking and we would go play houses. They would play Pittsburgh all the time. I love Menzingers. Yeah, and then we would also play like hardcore shows and punk shows and we would do everything. We were like... We would bridge all the... I don we would bridge all the... You went to high school?

Yes, yes, yes. On the weekends. You all went to high school? Yeah, yeah. Together? Yes. Little band? Yes, one of us got kicked out. In a pack? Yes. I don't want to be an asshole anymore. That's what... But we're thick as thieves. That's the Menzinger's track. But we're thinking, what? And we'll be

friends forever. I only know the hits. What's the other fuckinginger's track but we're thinking what and we'll be friends forever I only know I only know the hits what's the other fucking song oh Anna oh alright I don't know that shit but those guys are cool though

yeah love them love the bald brother love all of them and when you started who's opening for you tonight sorry okay a couple bands

one band called vein which are a pretty sweet hardcore band that kind of does experimental a little bit electronic That kind of does Experimental A little bit electronic They kind of come from The lane

Our lane And then there's a DJ Who's playing Who's really cool Called Kilborn Who's like a local Hardcore DJ But not hardcore

That music Hardcore like It's like techno It's a different kind of hardcore Okay And they're very Running shit around here And then this kind of weird

Like punk thing Called 1-800-PAIN. It's like punk meets electronic DJ. It's a bunch of weird. We're all, we're just playing. Okay. It's not Metallica. Certainly. People you don't know.

You know what? That's sad, but true. Have you ever heard of TRST? No. Okay. Wait, what is that? It's a goth electronic Have you ever heard of TRST? No. Okay. Wait, what is that? It's a goth electronic DJ guy. I don't think I have.

I really am obsessed with this DJ. I'm going to check it out now. It's really good. It's some goth electronic type shit? Yeah. I'm down with it. It's scary. It is?

I love that. Really? Do you? You're going to like our set. Really? I promise you. If you come to see our band tonight, I promise you both. Dude, our band live. you're going to see it.

It's a different game. I know, I've always wanted to see you guys live. We're so excited. It's a different game. It's not just and I love Hardcore to Death. It's my shit. You're going to see some different shit. Yay. Can you tell the time of it? I don't know. I bet we play at like

nine. Okay. Perfect. I'll find out the exact time and tell you everything I'll have a butler at the door no I won't one of us will dress up I will bring a cane I'm here for the butler you into my car

not my girlfriend what do you recall look at this guy changing into a wolf You into my car. Not my girlfriend. What do you recall? This guy changing into a wolf. My God. How wolf on you. Yeah. Wait, we didn't decide what animal you are.

Know what I am. A tiger. I have the tiger. Lion cub. You said tiger. You want to be a lion cub now? Multiple people have said lion cub. Yeah, I see it. Are you thinking lemur?

Yeah! Because I've heard it before. Lemur over here. What is a lemur exactly? This. Or are you thinking tarser, the thing with big eyes that sits in a tree like this? No, you don't look like that. I would never say that.

Thank you so much. I would never, ever say that. Lemurs are the thing that's Timon and Pumbaa. She's a targe, sir. Is that it? Is Timon a lemur? Who's Timon? Timon and Pumbaa?

Hakuna Matata? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's like a prairie dog. My dumb ass. I know all about it. Yo, how hot was Nala? She was chic. Get it?

I just got really hungry. Breath. Well, remember when they ate those bugs? The bugs looked fire. They were so delicious and big. Chocolent. Yeah. That's very like me and my sisters like watching like a Disney movie

and like drinking milk out of a bowl on the ground. Like the next day, it would just be me and my sister in different bowls. Yes, dude. That was before everybody was, all the 11-year-olds were sending each other, like, naked pictures. That was when we were all just sitting there, like,

we got nothing to do. Yeah, like, my one sister would be, like, Yes, dude. Cleaning herself fake. Wow, when you do that, really full wolf really crazy i really love this wolf thing like yeah yeah it's the new territory for me it's crazy um yes yes yes i have a lot of panthers because our little nice i need a gimmick is a panther and this is a wolf. Look at that.

Nice. Do I get it? I love it. We're having fun. Woo! I'm excited. I'm excited. I didn't want to keep... For some reason on the app, it says it can't do it.

So I got to fucking... I don't think I have service down here. But yeah, I'm going to switch my flight. I feel like you're lying, but... I'm not. I would never lie. You don't have service. Is it his fault?

See? I don't have service. All right. He's fucking telling the truth. Yeah. They call me Truth Ian. So do you guys go on the road a lot? Yeah.

How does it work? Do you drive there or do you fly everywhere? Fly. It depends. Mostly fly. Do they fly you or do you have to pay out of the money you get paid? They fly us. They give you a stipend. God, dude, this is what I'm saying.

Everything but music shit rocks. You guys get fucked. Everything we do sucks. The pandemic fucked you guys. Did not fuck us. Fucked you guys. Pre-pandemic, post-in the pandemic. We're getting fucked every time. Everything's coming out of your money. Spotify. Everything's coming out of your money.

Everything's coming out of your money. There's no like, maybe there is for bigger bands, but like for us, there's no like, oh, I would love to just get home places. You know what I mean? And then get paid.

And then I actually get to take the money that got paid and it goes into my account. Yeah. Instead, nope. We'll get paid $100,000. I'll look at this shit and go,

oh yeah, so we're all going to get some bread off this, right? No. nope we'll get paid $100,000 I'll look at this shit and go oh yeah so we're all going to get some bread off this right no flying all your gear and shit because there's you got to pay Peter Paul Mary go into it to the point where like we can't even get up to play a show anymore for without for like an

amount of money that doesn't even really make sense like because you'll see like what with us especially we put ourselves in this corner. Our setup is complicated. We're trying to pull off a lot of shit. It's not just like a plug-in and play situation. And we kind of put ourselves in the corner with the kind of music we were making.

So now it's like kind of do or die type shit. Because you can't really... We can't really just roll up and just rock the gig. Like, it's not the kind of band we are anymore. So it's kind of made it impossible. You need bing, bing, boom, bing, bing, bing. All types of shit. You need guys with gaffer guys.

Literally. Guys with carabiners. And we're also doing shit, all of us. We're all building stuff, we're all loading stuff in, but we also need those guys. It's not like we're not hands-off. We're still totally involved. But also, are you night after night after night different towns? Because all my friends in bands, they're like, yeah, I'm in Japan for a month and it's 25 shows in 26 days.

And I'm like, Jesus Christ. At least we are fortunate enough to go. Please stop. That's what I'm taking. Yeah, but I have shows at noon. So do I, but I'm missing them. I can't miss them because I'm missing tonight. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Yeah, you can miss it, butcha. Yeah, you can miss it, but yeah. Yeah, you can miss it. Screaming in the fucking hat. If you're a real man, fucking scream. Don't just sit there. No, don't, don't, don't, don't, no, no. You need naps.

Don't hit it. Don't hurt it. Don't hurt it. Don't, no. Neither of you. If you guys bleed, I'll fake. Who's got a knife? No, no knife. I got something to say. No, no, naps. Don't hit it. Don't hurt it. Don't hurt it. Don't. No, neither of you. If you guys bleed, I'll fake. Who's got a knife? No, no knife.

I got something to say. No, no, no, no. I'll tase you both. I killed your baby today. If you tase me, that would be fucking insane. Oh, shit. Plug it in so I can tase you. You'll love it.

No, don't tase me. We tase ourselves. No, I don't want you to. I'll beat the shit out of you. Shut up. Oh, buddy, please do it. I think that you'll like it. No, I'm not doing you to. I'll beat the shit out of you. Oh, buddy, please do it. I think that you'll like it. No, I'm not doing it.

Oh, God. Do it to yourself for real. Ow! No way! Jordan, he's a guest. Do you normally tase guests? No, we let the guests tase themselves.

No, I don't want tase themselves. Yeah. No, I don't want to. I have to play a show tonight. All right. That's the episode. I gotta go. I'm so excited for tonight. Yeah, that was so fun, man.

Let's go. Let everyone know what's up, what's happening, and what do you want them to do. We have a new album coming out this weekend, even though I don't know what's going on with this. So on September 29th, it's called The Above. Check it out. It's the most fire album you're going to hear

all damn year. It's got a mixture of hardcore music, rock music, a little bit of hip-hop production, electronic music, a little bit of trip-hop stuff. All stuff that is badass is in there and it's an amalgamation of it all. And go check it out. It's out on blue.

Great music. Now. Fuck. Yeah, dude. E and finance.com for all my dates, Baltimore, Philly, uh, Minneapolis, Tampa, and I got San Francisco. Oh God. I have so much more coming up at IanFightHands.com For all the tickets

Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod Rosemont, Cincinnati I'm headlining the stand for New York Comedy Festival Wise Guys Utah Vermont Go to JordanJensenComedy.com For tickets There's more coming up And I'm doing Town Hall for New York Comedy Festival Utah, Vermont. Go to jordangensoncomedy.com for tickets. There's more coming up.

And I'm doing Town Hall for New Year Comedy Festival. Oh, and I'm going to be in L.A. like the 29th of October headlining at the Improv. All new material. New hour, Jordan. Brand new shit. Going to be really weird. Please come to that if you're in L.A.

And then we have our new joke show the next day at the Comedy Store. Oh, and watch my half hour. Watch Jordan's half hour. I fixed the audio, you guys. I fixed the audio. It's so good. Thank you for complaining to me. I fixed it.

Yes. We should be very proud. YouTube.com at Jordan Jensen, LOL stop. Yes. And, Ethan, should we announce? I think tickets will be out by then. We're getting a turtle. I'm recording a special.

Oh, yeah. Really? December 3rd. Oh, yeah. Really? December 3rd. December. Here's City. Let's go. Well, this is great. Thank you.

Would you like to blow the shofar? What? Would you like to blow the shofar? Yeah. Okay. You blow it like you would a... Trumpet. No.

No. Air through a trumpet. No. No. Air through the horn. Yes! Can I perform the shofar tonight at Gramercy? I'm going to be in a very serious zone. Yes! Thank you, bro. This was so much fun.

We love you guys. Bye. Let's go! So now the wind is on the wall The world explodes, whoa! And the And the God is coming So now the wind is on the wall The world explodes, whoa! Thank you.