Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 066: I’m Not Pregnant W/ Mike Feeney

Episode Date: November 1, 2023

Hey, everybody. Tickets are on sale right now for my first comedy special taping ever. Sunday, December 3rd, The Cutting Room, New York City, two shows, 7 and 930, IanFidance.com. I'd love to see you there. It's going to be a good time. I love you. Enjoy the show. Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride

When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. This is the one thing that might cheer him up today. Oh, we are recording.

Okay, great. Is this it? This is the show? We're on? We're live? Yes, we're recording. Oh, God. Well, then blow it.

All right. All right, Feeney, take your... Shana Tova, welcome back to another... Why do people do that? Oh, yeah. You have bed bugs. No, no. That's not mosquito bites. It's mosquito bites. I know. Yeah, yeah. Listen to this. Listen to my... EFIDANCE.COM, November 3rd,

Amityville Music Hall. I've had bed bugs in my first apartment in like 2009. I had them too, like six months ago. Oh, so you're familiar that they look like that. They don't. Our guest today is Mike Feeney. Hi, I'm excited to be in the basement. I had questions about the Ghostbusters thing. Now I have other questions about the... Whatever deflects from me. We saw, here's what happened. We saw me with bedbugs. It was insane.

They swolled up huge. I'm very allergic allergic to them I slept in a room That was extremely damp And I heard mosquitoes all night And I was like They're not biting me And she thought it was a dream I thought it was a dream Electronic music going But it was the mosquitoes going

And I like in my sleep And it was mosquitoes You're making me itch now And I woke up And was covered in mosquito bites Huh Yes That's a story I'd tell too if I

had bed bugs. If I have bed bugs again, I will kill myself. When I had bed bugs, I was, as a server, I was working at the US Open, the tennis thing for like two weeks and it was great. You make like a ton of money all in cash and I was just,

my whole legs were like covered in them and I was showing the server, I didn't even know what bed bugs was. And I was like, my whole legs were like covered in them. And I was showing the server. I didn't even know what bed bugs was that. And I was like, I showed the other servers. I was like, dude, look at all these mosquito bites I have. And they were like, dude, you have bed bugs. I'm like, nah, we're clean. Okay, another thing is I've had two separate people

sleep in my room when I'm gone. They have zero bites. When, how, when, but you did this, this happened last night or two nights ago? This happened. The new ones happened last night? Two nights ago? This happened The new ones happened last night It looks like you've been getting hickeys from a bug In your bed?

Anywho And the person I was sleeping with Has zero Yeah I mean But then why wouldn't they have mosquito bites? I don't know. Oh, good point. Yeah.

Point, Mike. I'm concerned about love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would. I also had bed bug bites and they were like three at a time in little clusters. And you have three little clusters. There is two hour nap. Anyone walking the face of the earth that could have bites.

It's you. Yeah. And I think another one. This was a nap. Anyone walking the face of the earth that could have bites, it's you. Yeah. And I think another one's developed. This was a nap. Let me see your neck. No. You look like your nickname should be Froggy. Listen, there's no shame in having bed bugs. Everybody, you can get them.

I don't have bed bugs. There's a lot of shame in it. You're dirty. There's, yeah, but that's the stereotype is you're dirty. My wife and I were living together at the time. We were both clean people. It just sometimes, it came through like a hole in our apartment building.

He doesn't have bed bugs. She has mosquito bites. I've had bed bugs. We all saw the mosquito bites. She got mosquito bites. It's mosquito bites. I get them a lot

because it's damp, wet, muggy, humid. We've had a ton of rainstorms. I get them sitting out my lawn chair. You just turned into Trump. What was that? Why can't I? I just said I get them when I sit in my lawn chair. I get them when I see them.

I call them as I see them unless I can't see them. And then there are no seasons. I can't see them. We got a no scenes we got a lot of bedbugs but they're not here also remember how bad the bedbug bites itch so bad and they it was epic these don't itch as bad

how do you know her itch level because we did the podcast when I had bedbugs and it was epic and because I'm getting phone calls around the clock my bite I gotta say and I'm sure this is touched on by everybody. And again, I'm not letting the Ghostbusters thing go, but I will put a pin in that.

And if you do, I won't care. The relationship here is just, it's on a different level. And what I really noticed of that was Skankfest. And not even Skankfest, but the flight home. Because you guys had a knockdown, drag out, public meltdown in the jetway to get on the plane. And like, here's the thing. I was like four or five people in front of you. I don't even know if you guys saw that I was there and that Canada was there.

Not a clue. But like, if you guys saw that I was there Not a clue Ryan Long had to hear the entire rant before boarding the plane You long had to get his well poisoned by her misinformation campaign Dirty dude Bye, do your eyes paralyze me

I have a song I have a fun story about that You guys literally yelling at each other was so funny because I was, you know, to everybody else around, they were just watching two strangers flip out and I was far enough away from you that I looked like a stranger.

So I was able to look at you guys and not worry about the, what the fuck are you looking at? Kind of a thing. Like I could just see like, Oh, these are my two friends fighting. And,

but people were looking at me being like, what the fuck is their fucking problem? That couple's got to break up. You know, like just like, he's just like, Ian, Ian,

Ian, stop talking to me. Stop. And he's like, I just don't know why you couldn't get me a coffee. If I ask, cause I'm ready. You're like,

Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian. It was so, stop it. Stop talking. Stop talking right now. asked, because I'm ready. You're like, Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian! It was so... Stop it! Stop talking! Stop talking right now! It was like wild. And then they're like, you guys get on the plane, and they're like, hi,

welcome. And you're like, how you guys doing? Ian! Oh my God. We sutured it up before we got on the plane, and the couple behind us goes, you sound just like us. And she goes, we don't fuck. And they were like, what? Maybe you should. Then what is this? Then why? At one point,

And I was like, it's a podcast. We have a podcast. It's beandian.com slash patreon.com. And they're like, we're good, actually. And they go,

what's it about? I go, this. They go, sounds pretty interesting, actually. Dude, here's the thing. The funniest part to me is that what ended the argument

and what I think I said the loudest in the line getting on the plane was, okay, you're right. Before noon, you were wrong and I've been wrong since the airport. I will admit, I've been wrong since the airport. That's all I wanted to know.

I was like, can I use the pillow you brought? And you're like, yes, will that make you forgive me? And I was like, absolutely. And then it was done. And then we like high-fived and it was over. It was just like... He made... We're not going to rehash this.

No, it seems like you guys are good. It just, it was very fun to watch from like, like your guy's day was your morning was so different. Like, you know, I was in the,

I was in the Centurion Lounge with O'Connor and Cannon. I was like, O'Connor and I are like drinking mimosas, like just killing time, eating eggs and having French toast.

And you're like, your hair is like everywhere, Ian's sweating, like you both are just screaming at each other, and I'm just like, I'm literally like sipping an iced coffee, being like, I'm perfectly comfortable.

It was very fun. He made me take all of his stuff through security, and I'm literally barricaded with all of his crazy amount of shit and then he calls me and goes could you just get me a coffee dude could you just get me a fucking coffee and I had asked for so much and I'm like bro I had said be downstairs

for the car by like 930 at 955 10 o'clock you're like and I'm like I have to go drop this off. Can you please get me a coffee while I'm going and getting all this

together? And you're like, yeah, yeah. And then I see you and you go, I didn't have time for coffee. And I was like, I had all of our luggage. I had all of our merch. Our merch? Your merch? Our merch. I didn't sell any merch. For the podcast.

I sold it for us. Yeah, he made a ton of money. It just goes to his merch. Because that's what merch is. You spend money for merch. And then you sell the merch to make your money fucking back. And if you break even, you're lucky on merch. Right.

And then what? And then the rest. Do it again. And then the rest you dispense to everyone. Why are you yelling at me? Because it gets my point across better. I don't like that you're wielding that cane either. Well, you got to.

Yeah. What are you doing? What are you looking for stuff? Anyway. You started looking again. Anyway. Uh-huh. Where's my taser?

Our conflicts. You're welcome. Our conflicts. Where's my taser? Get resolved. You hid the taser, didn't you? And it was. I don't know where it is. Where's my taser? Get resolved You hid the taser, didn't you? And it was

I don't know where it is You moved the taser There's a second cane over there It was very funny to me To run through the airport Like a fucking Tasmanian devil And we looked like You guys looked like

We looked like an old married couple Going to like fucking Branton You guys had the energy of People traveling with like A newborn or with like three children Like that was like your energy Like you holding a kid screaming and crying And like it's just like I just want to go to bed

Like it was all It was a funny Thing to witness from Six feet away A podcast is a baby. Yeah. And we nurture it and love it. That must be what it feels like.

Take all my stuff. You need to get the coffee. You have to do the thing. Yeah, it is. Oh, yeah, you have a baby. What the fuck? You have a baby. How old is your baby?

He's a year old in two weeks. Was our thing anything like your thing? Do you ever travel like that? We did Aruba Rays. I did Aruba Rays this summer. Where were you guys yelling? That actually wasn't, it just, it like physically sucks

because you're like taking a carriage, taking a car seat. There is like a lot of like that. Yeah, we just have our merch. You can drop, kick that, whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. At least it has legs.

But the kid was, yeah, the kid was actually pretty easy because he was just like, what is happening, you know? It's just, it's not an amorphous heavy bag of mediums and extra larges, you know, unlike any of Ian's jokes.

Mediums and extra large legs. That good. You're a cunt. Sorry. Anyway, joke time. So you have a year old daughter yeah nope son yeah yeah really i mean for now who knows yeah he might choose you didn't know he had a son why i thought leo it is yeah what's his middle

name ian james nice leo james was he named after cousin Leo from Seinfeld? Uncle Leo. No, he wasn't. He wasn't. DiCaprio. Here's the funny thing. We both... Nardo. You're going to keep saying... His middle name is Nardo. Oh, Nardo. Leo Nardo.

That would be wild. I think there was a huge missed opportunity not making his middle name Nardo now that you said that. God damn it. That would have been. I think there was a huge missed opportunity not making his middle name Nardo now that you said that. God damn it. That would have been great. Damn it. I don't know.

It was a couple reasons. One, we wanted to do like, I'm Irish, my wife's Italian. So we wanted like, Feeney's going to be his last name. So we're like, we want to do like Italian and Irish. We also do love Leonardo DiCaprio.

But weirdly enough, we decided between that and James and we like Leo. So we Leo James and then we're after we had already decided on that my dad's been going I feel like it's like an Irish guy's like part of his life where once you get in your mid-60s you just go into like a genealogy wormhole and he's been like researching ancestors and like looking up things and all this other stuff. And he there's actually was a Leo James Feeney that was in like my family tree that was like a painter and like a like a comedic painter, like an artist. You make like funny drawings. So it was like now it has like another layer, which is pretty cool to it. But that was completely unintentional.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Who's calling you? Taylor. Booker? Slipknot? Yeah.

Topel. My lifelong bestnot? Yeah. Topel. My lifelong best friend. Oh. Very fun. She can go fuck herself. Oh, Corey's a woman. Yes. That's fun.

Oh, yeah. Corey got the tattoo. Yeah. Yeah. Corey. She's hot. All of his friends are hot. Yeah.

Hot. Weird hot. Hot. Oddly hot. Why weird hot? She's hot. I feel like, I feel like that the,

you, you both, you both did a thing where you were like, I'm not going to address that. But then you looked at me for like, how are you going to react to that? Which is a very funny thing. We were like,

no, right. Or, or maybe, um, I, I was trying to do like a don't say anything Yeah

Trying to do the good cop in the room Yeah I do think that You seem like a person who would have a lot of hot friends You know what I mean You're like not like threatening You know what I mean Like hot guys a lot of times don't have hot women friends You know

That was a roundabout way of saying I'm an ogre You motherfucker I'm saying you have a lot of times don't have hot women friends. You know? That was a roundabout way of saying I'm an ogre. You motherfucker. I'm saying you have a lot of character in your face. Hot guys usually don't have hot girlfriends. But you got the hottest chicks in the room, ogre. Old forehead nose. I also have hot friends

and it is annoying. Have you had sex with a lot of your hot friends? Nice. A lot of my girlfriends, I've never crossed that line. You've had sex with a lot of your girlfriends? Nice. A lot of my girlfriends, I've never crossed that line. You've had beautiful girlfriends. Yeah. It's like stacked. Each time, everyone's like, there is a moment where we're all like,

there's got to be a pay-for-hire situation, but they genuinely love you, you know? I grew up, all my friends growing up, I was raised by my mom and my... What now? Did you say? They're thin Okay, I heard something else

I said something else What did she say? First I thought I heard Jordan thinks only good women Should wear combat boots and fucking overalls And finger paint Or some upstate bullshit I think women who slam their boobs together and wear

high heels are stupid and dumb and ugly in the inside. Yeah, where's that come from? I think everybody should be riddled with mosquito bites. Mosquito bites. We just see a woman outside picking scabs. She's like, now that's

a woman. See the festering open sores? There's a princess. Bedbugs bite the trunk and other spots on your body. This is only my neck and I heard them biting. What is the trunk? Is that your ass? The trunk? Trunk.

No, I had them all over my legs. What is a trunk? Fleas. When I had them, I had them all over. You're just pivoting like, fleas. I've been looking up so many bugs. I thought something was on me. You're making me feel buggy. I'm so itchy.

It is like a little wet down here. It wasn't here. No, I know. But in general, there is a humidity. Any girl with boobs and heels is gross. Ah, I make hot women in my culture. I don't think anybody should date me either. What?

But I do think that there's somewhere in between a monster and a... You look like you're just waiting for a house to fall on you. The witch. That is an old black man thing to say. Like an old guy who sits on the corner. He's like, hey, smile And you say no And he goes, what are you waiting for?

A hashed one? Do the best old black He'd be like, god damn it That was good The best old black man that I ever heard He goes, he goes Bro, hey, she's so ugly You poured a vase of milk

Oh, turn to yogurt Oh my god That's really, really good I had an old man I had an old man Old Irish guy Drunk at a bar I ordered a, which is the thing. This is kind of like a street thing, but he, I ordered a dirty martini and he didn't even look up from his drink. And he just looked into his glass and spoke to me and went,

martinis are like tits. One's not enough. Three's too many. And then he drank it. I was like, that's the greatest thing I've ever. It's amazing. 100%. If you have three martinis, your week is fucked. It's so salty. You have such a hangover. But after one, you're like, I can do another one. You get excited. It's sage advice. If I was that guy, I'd have looked into my beer and go,

the only thing in this world that gives you trouble is tits and tires. Wow. And bed bugs. Women in cars give you trouble. Women in cars can also be trouble. When did the even car get introduced into the equation? Because it's tits and tires.

It's like alliteration. Tits and tires. And I go, the best days when you buy a boat and the worst day of your life is when you buy the boat. Yeah. Yeah. The best thing you can do is, yeah, is know a friend with a boat. Oh. Yeah.

I know a friend with a boat. Getting divorced. My mom's getting real Florida with this now. She's already, you know, she's got multiple motorcycles. She's. No way. Yeah. Now she's joined like this like boat club.

She wants to like have a boat, but again, it's for that reason. She's like, I'm not getting a boat. So she joined this like boat club where you just pay like a monthly rent. And basically when you are on your way there, you're like, get a boat ready. And then you show up and they just get a boat ready and you just take the boat out for the day. You can take out jet skis, pontoon boats, whatever you want. Do they have this in New York? Maybe, probably. And then you just come back. We should do it. You just come back. When you're done with the boat,

you walk away. You don't have to like put it. You don't have to moor it. You don't have to clean it. You just fucking go, I'm done with the boat. I'd rather less it than moor it. Okay.

Turn it down. Please. I love you What happened? He was just about to kill himself I'd like to think that I You fucking love Feeney I'd like to think that I changed that energy You have a crush on Feeney

I love Ian It's his Metallica shirt What happened? I look like Oh my god You look like Kirk Hammett Yes Did you eat some?

Yes Of the sandwich? Yes You were hungry You need to be eating more Are you a Snickers commercial person? He is a Snickers. You get a little cranky

when you're hungry. He was so mopey and he was such a little crybaby. I was literally going like this. That's how much he was crying is that I started having to imitate him. And then he was crying

about his little ring breaking. And then I fixed the ring and he was like, but you didn't put glue on it. It was like that. Wow. And then he has, and he goes,

I haven't been eating and I like being skinny. And then he eats one fucking bite of a sandwich with a little meat and cheese in it. And I'm back. Can't we all be gay again? I'd like to go into the,

I'd like to still. You gotta eat. You're not, you're not gay when you're not gay. You don't have a stick. You come out, you do the Wonka twirl,

you know. Actually, that is the problem. You do become a straight, normal man. You're like, you do the wonka twirl. Actually, that is the problem. You do become a straight, normal man. You're like, I should be doing more with my life. Why am I in a basement? And then the delusion set in where you're like, everything's perfect! And then I use my

cat cane like a stick shift. I'm gay. So gay. Why do I itch now? Because you took your shirt off and now you're closer to itches. I really promise you I don't have bed bugs.

I'm very allergic to them. If you have bed bugs, I'm going to punch you for every bite. Because you'll have to get rid of all of this. Let me tell you the reasons why I know. One, two people have slept in my bed in the last week. You keep repeating the same thing. Why don't they have mosquito bites then?

Huh? Because I wasn't in my bed. I took a nap in somebody else's bed. It was a swampy everywhere and I woke up. And then here's the other thing about my bed. I have all the corners covered with bed bug traps because I'm so OCD about it and I have all new everything and I steamed everything.

She's sleeping in a game of mousetrap. I am. I am. I am. And there's nothing in them. Like that jackass stutter where they fall on. Yeah. What a nightmare. I have little stick traps for all of them on all the four corners of my bed so the only way

they can get up is they have to go through my traps first and none of them are in any of the traps. They gotta go through her traps! She's sleeping in traps! Yes. Also, sure, did I put a little bit of manuka honey on my skin because I heard it was good for you? Yes. Do I think that attracted mosquitoes? You put it somewhere else. I put it in my vagina as well.

That actually really did do a lot. I ate honey out of a girl's butthole one time. It was amazing. That's food and potty. I don't like it. You just said you put honey in your pussy. Yeah, but nobody ate it out of a girl's butthole one time. It was amazing. That's food and potty. I don't like it. You just said you put honey in your pussy. Yeah, but nobody ate it out of her. Except the bed bugs. Maybe that's why

you got a fucking bug attraction contraption in your pussy. Your lucky poo bear's not in there. Scooping. Oh, this is some fishy porridge What? No Fishy porridge

Bears and honey are funny Fishy is icky Bears and honey are funny Oh Oh this I hate you This porridge is going south My god

My vagina smells very nice Especially when I Put a lot of honey on it. Like actual honey, it is. Like charcuterie? It's good for reestablishing balance in your skin. I really believe in honey. On the skin, but not in the skin. I put a little in it.

I went like this. I went like this. And then I was like. I sucked my finger With my vagina I sucked my finger clean With my vagina What more do you need to hear? I don't know man

I don't know I'm starting to I feel like I'm starting to think That the bed bugs Are the least of your problems Except ask I've asked think that the bed bugs are the least of your problems. Except ask.

I've asked. Man. Ian, I didn't realize how little tattoos you have on the top part of your arm there. Who? You. I thought you had the whole thing covered. Yeah. Wow. That was the right side. Yeah, look at that. We're getting tattoos tomorrow. What are you getting?

I'm getting Snoopy as a vampire. You love as a vampire, huh? You a big vampire guy? I know you have one. Now you have three vampires. What's the vampire thing? What's your favorite vampire movie? Or lore?

What do you know about vampires? They suck. You're like, I'm just a big Twilight guy. I love Edward. I guess I'll get the vampire here or here? No, higher up. I kind of like how this is naked

except for that. The one up here was a mistake. Panther here. Panther, huh? do a panther here. Ah. Panther, huh? A vampire panther? You need a big thing here. What about the Misfits logo? Like this.

On my shirt. That's not enough real estate to get that detail. I'll probably do the Misfits. God bless you. I'll probably do the Misfits. No, you got to start switching arms arms Not like I'm one to talk I'll do Snoopy vampire over here somewhere. Uh-huh.

And what are you going to get? Dude, my knee itches. What are you getting? Because you got bug bites. You said you had them all over your legs. And what are you going to get, Jordan? I'm not sure yet. Dude, my knee itches.

Are you just a pick-off-the-wall kind of gal? I'm a pick-off-the-wall guy, but I pick off the wall prior. What about that thing? That tattoo design right there. Yeah, I'll get that. Which one? Oh, that was easy. I remember when I was like 16 years old, we went into the city,

and we were just trying to, we literally went to, I think like Sixth Avenue, Bleeker Street area, and just found the first tattoo place that wouldn't like ideas. And I just was like, we were just getting pierced. I got my eyebrow pierced and shit. And my buddy was like, just sitting there with me for like moral support. And then, uh, when we were checking out, I was literally getting paid. I was paying and the guy goes, what about you, buddy? You want to get anything? And he's like, no, I'm good. He's like, you don't want to like a tattoo or anything? And he's like, I don't know, maybe.

And then he goes, what do you want? And he just like literally like this is how much this is how long he looked. He went, I don't know, like that. And then just got like a massive Phoenix on fire. Oh, my God, dude. It was it was like a four hour job that he just picked off the wall because the guy like talk about like suggestive selling, just being like, you sure job That he just picked off the wall

Because the guy, talk about suggestive selling Just being like, you sure? And he's like, no, I'm not sure, let's do this forever And he's like, oh my god On nothing to a phoenix A giant phoenix on fire His whole arm It looked like shit

It was like a bleaker street Picked off a wall Who was this guy? R&D, Ridgewood, what's up? It was like a bleaker street, like picked off a wall. That's why we go to the only place that matters. R&D, Ridgewood, what's up? I go to Gnostic. I used to go to Three Kings a lot. I like Three Kings. Lower East Side?

Yeah, Lower East Side and the one in Brooklyn, the Greenpoint. They tattooed my eyebrows on. You have tattooed eyebrows? Yes. No, you don't. That is wild. Where is it tattooed?

Where you see my eyebrow? You have no eyebrows. I like soft, tufty, blonde hair. Dude, touch my knee right here. She did little tiny, tiny, tiny. Wow. Bro, you said to me that you got attacked by mosquitoes. But I said generally, but not recently.

How'd they bite you through the denim? I don't know, dude. Damn, dude. It's like, right, feel that. Is that Manuka, honey? Why do I keep burping? That right there, do you feel that?

I don't think I've ever seen two friends who touch each other as much as you guys. I had no idea when you posted the clip with What's-His-Face thinking we were a was like i saw that clip of you like holding her upper thigh i didn't even notice he does it all that's equally as weird all the time you fucking grab you guys have been touching each other this entire you gave him a massage before you've been always going we got bad backs here's the thing it's not even siblingy it's It's closer than relationship-y. It's like... Yeah. Know what it is?

It's like new couple... No, no, no. Yes, it is. You know when, like, PDA, like, people out in public, like, when they're, like, holding, swinging fingers, laced hands,

and, like, making out in public, and you're like, dude, what are you doing? That's what you guys are without... PDA for us stands for please don't. Oh, hell no. You couldn't have thought of an A?

What about this? Please don't, asshole. Yeah. They also hit each other a lot, too. You couldn't have thought of an A? What about this? Please don't, asshole. They also hit each other a lot, too. He already hit me once really hard today. I forget where it was, but the bruise will show up later. It always does. Well, by then, I can blame it on someone else. No, you know what?

I think that might be the ink rising. Does this ever happen to your tattoos? Your ink rises on a weather change and it itches. I think it's bed bugs and it's not. I don't think I've ever had that. The worst tattoo I have was the first one that I got.

It's really bad. I remember the first time I saw you, I was like, I love that. I love that tattoo so much. That's the tattoo I'm getting. That's great. I love that tattoo so much. That's the tattoo I'm getting. That's great. I love that. I use this as an excuse.

I was in a defensive driving course, and my mom was literally just doodling, and she drew a sun with the little lines of it, and I added the yin-yang part, so I kind of manipulated her into being like, I'm getting this tattoo for you kind of a thing. Oh, that's cute. So she would let me get it.

And then when I went back to a bleaker street place to get this, the guy, it was like this Colombian guy. He got into a full blown screaming match over the phone with his girlfriend or something, and then hung up the phone. It was like, all right, let's do it. He put the stencil on wrong and was like about to start tattooing. I'm like, like it was like facing the wrong way, the yin-yang. And yeah, that's pretty. But I will say, what I love, 17, I think, but what I love about this is like, as much as it's

a terrible tattoo and I'd never get it now. It looks like if you put a record needle on it, Godsmack will play. I'm alive! But it is one of those things. I actually used to really have to do it. But it is one of those things. Actually, it used to really end when I got there. When I feel the snake bite into my vein.

Never did I want to be here again. And I don't remember why I came. Voodoo. That's not how it goes. It's just like a voodoo. At the end it does. Yeah, for sure. Voodoo.

Voodoo. Yeah. Voodoo, voodoo. Yeah, voodoo. Oh, no. Yeah. Sully, why? That's the name of the song. It's voodoo. I know. That's a very good song.

Don't look at him directly in the eyes while he sings it. Dude, I've hit my head on this wall eight times. I think, I just can't say it. Dude, I've hit my head on this wall eight times. I think, I just think, I just think it's kind of like a yearbook, isn't it? It's really freaking me out. Get away. It feels like it's exactly the sound that should be coming out of you.

Okay. You want to see my seven? Dude, if I start itching, I'm leaving. Because this is... Put your shoes on, lady. What's that? What's that? Is that a catfish?

What is that? You have a catfish? That looks like a fucking... I was 17. There's still no excuse. Wow. That's tough. My dad's nickname was Catfish.

We got them together. Dude. But now this was my first tattoo when I was 17. That's huge for a first tattoo. And this is my dad. Oh my God. Ryan Donahue has a really cool, because it's all, mine was dad, yours was dad, his was brother.

And it's like, it's like his deep dark secret but it's like a skeleton surfing and it's so sick in the way that that one's sick mine did not age cool mine age is just a cat I don't think this is age very cool that's back in style though people are getting that as tramp stamps now

I also have this I have just a couple oh the big blue guy I got this that's the most recent one god I gotta really lotion up here a couple. Oh, the big blue guy. You have fun. Is that for brand new? That's the most recent one. God, I gotta really lotion up here. This one is like an Irish-American shamrock Celtic

cross. Get in on this. Get in there. That's my PBA card. Holy shit. Can we talk about Sagalow's dog? The one that he got on acid? What, you guys?

That's good. It is the worst. Oh yeah, that's brutal. This one is great. This is from Three Kings. This one's great. This one is the three. No, you have a police officer's badge on.

That's my grandfather's police officer badge. That is their second Blue Lives Matter tattoo. 37. This is crazy. He worked for 37 years, never fired his gun once.

Dude, I feel like if you show these tattoos, you'll never pay a toll on the LIE. No, no, no. This is Empire State Building, Coressa Building, Flatiron Building.

This is the Fifth Avenue clock that the tattoo artist came up with the idea to set the clock to his birthday. He was just dying at the time when I got that. Wow. Yeah, but are you going to get that continued

throughout your leg? What do you mean? It's continued. Where do I have leg left? You have like little murals on your body. You should get this like through the rest of your leg. Wow, your hands are very soft. I didn't picture that. Well, the way he touched you was really intimate.

I feel like our whole relationship just changed. I want that tattoo. Maybe that's what I'll get tomorrow. That thing's sick. That's going to take like 10 hours. And then I have my coat of arms. Oh, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Where would you get it? Right here? I'm not the one who's over. Dude, get the lyrics. I'll get the girl on the cover of that. Oh, yeah. That girl was so hot.

So hot for them. Because you're like, what's going on with her? Why does she have a teardrop? What's her story? I want to know more about that. She had this face. Oh, my God. That's crazy.

What is that? This is the voodoo girl. Oh, there's a girl who... Never mind. All right. What? Some girl. I was talking to her that had a face like like that and I just couldn't get past it.

One girl I grew up with, I bullied her until she dropped out of school and she had a face like that. What? She was also doing weird sexual things with girls. Why did you bully her? Because she was doing weird sexual things with her. Because she didn't have bikes, too.

Dude, I was bug bite girl. It was a huge problem growing up. Oh, my God. This is a reoccurring thing with you your whole life? You were bug bite girl. You were smell like stove girl. You were fucking pee. Smell like stove?

What is that? Gas? Pee? Pee. Because we had so many cats in the barn. Oh my God. She literally grew up in a barn. That's a tragedy.

But kids weren't allowed to play with me because they always thought I had chicken pox. Ironically, I never had chicken pox. You always had bites? Because I always had I had chickenpox. Ironically, I never had chickenpox. You always had bites? Because I always had mosquito bites. Man. And even today. Kids don't want to

play with me. When I sit here, I sit far away. Never did I want to come here again because I don't remember why I came I know why you came Cause you're putting out a special

That sounds really cool and really punk I am, what's that? Oh sorry, you can hold that Okay It's one of our little toys The toys help with our attention spans Okay, yeah, this is like fidget spinners This is our rat, his name is Richard

This is Richard Okay And this is Marlene Is this a real rat? Is this like a stuffed?. This is Richard. Okay. And this is Marlene. Is this a real rat? Is this like a stuffed? Oh, I don't like that. And this is Marlene. Marlene is a little scary. Ew, why did they keep the real feet? Couldn't they have put fake feet in there? It's nice. Listen, if you're gonna hurt his feelings.

I'm just, you know. I love that he's reading the taxidermy times. That is amazing. You come into our house and you insult our rat? I kissed him on the mouth. That's nice. Samson took a little bit of his hair out. I'm really upset about it. I know. We'll fix it.

We'll fix it. We're going to have to find a rat. That's pretty funny too. I kind of like that. Dude, we should kill a rat and text. No, I can't do it. This guy is so nice. No, that one has blood on its face.

No, it doesn't. You are an idiot. It's just its lips. What do you mean there's blood on its mouth? Feeny, is there blood on the mouth? Feeny, if you know it's good for you, no matter what, you'll agree with me. I think the mouth is like sewn closed

and that's why it's got... I think it's not fucking blood. I think they just ripped the lips off in taxidermy to try to make it not be an open hole. Oh, you think that's like a little smile they gave it? No, I think it's just kind of like sewn the mouth closed and there was no hair on the lips, probably.

Right, so it's not blood, but it is like a graphic real mouse mouth. Yeah, and so is the other one you're holding. Look at this mouth. This one has little rat teeth. Richard rips, dude. If your cat ever fucking touches him again, I swear to God, dude. Honestly, I know it's a bit that you're doing right now, but don't ever fucking talk about

the cat that way. Don't talk about Richard. Don't let anything touch Richard again. I'm the one that brought Richard into the fucking house. I think you should bring Richard home with you if you think Yeah, we'll never see him again. Oh. I have multiple little guys that people have given me to bring onto the pod. Uh-huh. They don't leave it out of my bed

Nope they all are with me every day Richard stays here He's a good guy We'll get his hair fixed It could be the origin story of all these fights My dead animals carry nothing but joy Anyway Yeah

I do have a I don't like that guy Holy shit I do like him But he's not soft Okay He's not soft I like you being like

I do like him I'll give you that He does rip But not He's not soft He's not soft Put some fur on that guy And we can talk about it

I do like him But he is not soft Anyway Put some fur on that guy and we can talk about it. I do like him, but he is not soft. Anyway. This is the autistic basement a little bit. Okay. Feeny recorded a special. But how many minutes in the room? I'm in it.

Did you know I'm in it? We're talking about Feeny. He mentioned me. I did mention him. Sit with your butt back further on the couch, please. It comes out. Well, hopefully. I don't know when this comes out. I'm hoping that it's on or after this,

after 1027, which is when it comes out. Perfect. So it's already out. Go watch it. Mike Feeney and I at the Comedy Cellar, youtube.com slash Mike Feeney Comedy. I shot a special when I had a 10 week old kid and no sleep. I decided to do all four rooms of the Comedy Cellar in one night.

And then I also directed it. And then I also edited it. So I just couldn't have done more things. So really, if you don't like it, I have no one else to blame because I did every part of it. But Ian's in it at one point. So I kind of showcased the Comedy Cellar. We all work there. We know best club in the country.

They do 80 shows a, we all work there. We know best club in the country. There's, they do 80 shows a week, all sold out. I just wanted to show what it's like to be in all four rooms and just show how different the vibes are and stuff. And I went to all these different production companies to pitch them shooting this. Every single production company either told me it couldn't be done, uh, or no one company quoted me at $200,000 in order to make that. What company was that? I'll tell you off mic, but it's a one you know. Tell us now.

I'll tell it off mic. Off mic. Yeah, but it was. Boundaries. Boundaries. But it was a unbelievable. Every single person was like, it can't be done. And I had just had this like, I could see it in my mind,

which is why I was like, I just have to direct it. And then I'm like, I'm going to edit it because no one else can see it the way I'm seeing it. So I did that. That's great. So you saved a ton of scratch then. Yeah, I did. But I also spent- And who was the man who filmed it? Mr. James Webb. James Webb. Shout out.

Yeah. And James Webb, to shout out to James Webb, he was the only one that like, when I pitched it to him, he was like, fuck yeah, I love that. This is going to be hard as shit because we did it. We didn't do... Normally when you film a special... Do you mind if I... No. Normally when you film... He has a baby. You sure? Yeah, I'm not pregnant. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's not how that works. His baby was 10 days old. You hear everything

he did to get away from him? He's fine. There's a thing when I pitch it to him... I'm not pregnant. That's not how it works at all that was fantastic I I'm not pregnant I just you know

normally when you shoot a special I'm sure your audience knows or whatever but like you're headlining it so you sell tickets and then your fans come out and then they see you

and all this other shit for me I was doing it during a regular night at the Comedy Cellar. So I didn't have, they weren't my fans, which obviously is another obstacle because you have to get them on your side. I was also just doing a 15 minute spot in a regular amount of, on a regular showcase show. So I did that across all the rooms. And with that, it's like, you know, James, we couldn't add any lighting. We couldn't add anything else which I feel like again adds to the vibe and the tone of it of like this is what it is actually like

as a comedian going through those things yes Ian. And you filmed things between sets. Good you said the things that were going to come out of my mouth. Here's the thing I decided I initially I have like some stuff that is like interstitials between, but it's not like a documentary style thing.

And there's no there's no dialogue. There's like some B-roll of like people like comics, like we're laughing, having a good time. So but it's very quick because it's the whole thing. It's only 20 minutes. I just wanted to be concise and just jokes, jokes, jokes. And then I what I did was, in the credits, I put some more of the fun stuff, kind of like behind the scenes stuff there. That's where Ian's scene is because Ian was hosting. So when I did the, I did this whole thing on a Tuesday

and then again on a Wednesday. And then there was like a lot of. Which is the hardest nights at the Comedy Cellar. Yeah. And there was Tuesday, historically. Historically. Worst night of the week. Yeah. And it was, there was a bunch of technical difficulties. Like the first night at the Comedy Cell Yeah, and there was a bunch of technical difficulties. Like the first night at the Comedy Cellar in McDougal Street, it was like absolute,

like a special taping quality crowd. The audio was corrupted at the cellar. So all of it got thrown out. So I had to only use the one from Wednesday. There's only one show at the bar on Wednesday. There's none on Tuesday. So I only had one shot at it. That was the show that Ian hosted.

I told him ahead of time, I was like, buddy, I trust you. I'm in good hands. I know you're going to host and you're going to get that there. And not to, you know, to give Ian credit, they were a horrific audience. But Ian's way of bringing me on stage was he did a joke in between. It didn't land. And then he goes, well, I have no recourse at this point besides locking the doors from the outside and burning you all alive. Anyway, this next comic is one of my best friends and then he brings me on stage to shock and appall and then

I spent 14 minutes just trying to fist fight my way out of that audience and which is why that part of the thing is the shortest segment. And it made for a great part of the special. Yeah, made for a very fun part

of it because it's... Because that's very real. Ian's talking to me backstage being like, they're dumb. And then someone laughs and he's like, listen to that.

He's like making fun of them. He's just trashing this audience. Why is the Fat Black Bar always kind of dumb? It is. I don't know what it is. But when the room is good, it feels so good because you're like,

I've climbed this insurmountable hill, but man, oh man, does it suck most of the time. Well, that's why during that, I ended up, like, the segment I used from that was just like a crowd work part, and I ended up getting an applause break of that, which again, is fine, but like knowing, judging it on the curve of how that audience.

The first half obviously was brutal, brutal. But I remember you got them and I was like, fucking thank God. Yeah, I got them. And then it was like, I got them and pulled it out and then ended with an applause break on like a crowd work thing where I was like, it was like a buzzer beater. Like I was literally I'm on stage being like, all right, so I can do three rooms of the comedy cellar in one night. We'll just cut this whole chunk out. But I left that part.

I was back there like I was like, oh, I was so happy. Yeah, really. I do like that the bar exists because Esty does. She books really good people on it. She like makes sure that the lineups are equivalent. Sure. So it is fun to be like, okay, here's Gillis going up at the bar and he

has to do the same fucking struggle. A knife fight. You know what it is? If you go to the cellar, you go to the main room. And then if you can't, you go to the VU. And then if you can't, you go to the lounge. And then if you're really a scraggler. I think people

obviously the main room and then the underground is like the, those I feel are equal. And then like, you're right. It's either the lounge and then the bar.

So exactly what I said. That was such a funny. First choice is the main room. And I said, main room and VU. Yeah, that's what I said. You didn't say equal.

I said, you want to go to the main room because it's the iconic one and then the VU is great and then you go to the lounge. The bar is the newest so I feel like they're still kind of figuring out. They just added that curtain not too long ago so it's like I feel like they're still figuring out the kinks of it. You know, the curtain

helps. It's like they don't see people at the actual bar anymore so I think they're like still figuring out. It's going to get better. Just like the lounge when it used to be all couches and everybody was like sleepy. That's right. But it got now the lounge is great. I forgot about that. Do you remember that? That's the good thing about the sellers. They keep adapting. You know what I mean? They keep

trying to. So anyway, but that's so. I figured out how to make the bar better. Okay. Tell us. I was at a theater. I opened for Caitlin Cook. She has a one-woman show. It was very good. And I, there was this door and I was like, oh shit, I don't. I think she's just being silent on stage. And I opened it, and I was like, oh, no, there's a whole thing. And it was soundproofed.

And the way they soundproofed it was with insulation that was packed, making it probably a higher R value. You don't know what that means, but a higher R value. I know what a fucking R value is. I don't. Okay, do you want me to tell you? And that's what we should do. That's what we should do. We need to pack it with insulation. With high R valuevalue is. I don't... Okay, do you want me to tell you? And that's what we should do in the... That's what we should do.

We need to pack it with insulation. With high R-value. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Whatever. I hope that fixes it. Because think about it.

If you were in that room and it was silent and you weren't hearing... Just explain what R-value is. You really want to say it so badly? Go ahead. I don't want to give her the satisfaction.

Oh. Also, what they need to do, and you're right, is add more R-value underneath the floor because sometimes you hear the band downstairs. Yeah, you do hear the satisfaction. Also, what they need to do, and you're right, is add more R-value underneath the floor because sometimes you hear the band downstairs and you're like, what the fuck is happening? But again, that's kind of all the part of it. I do feel like it makes you

work four different muscle groups. R-value is the amount of insulation in the insulation. Higher the R-value, the thicker it is for soundproofing. Right, but you can't add insulation into the floorboards, really. You could blow it in. Which is adding insulation. So sure. But I do feel like there is a...

You're right. I do feel like it is an interesting... It was interesting to showcase that because it's like, I feel like, you know, again, and you know how brutal it is watching your own sets back or anything like that. So editing it myself, it was such a brutal undertaking. But I will say this. I've

watched it since it's been finished and at the end of it, I don't want to take my own life. So I feel like that's a pretty ringing endorsement. I think because it's 20 minutes, it's not an hour or something like that, where it moves very fast. I watched one second of the half hour and I'm like, oh, you suck,

you fat whore, fat pig hole. There's definitely parts of it where I'm like, I mean, you can see how tired I am. I have a 10-week-old kid. I'm on no sleep. I have, like, purple bags under my eyes. Like, I'm very tired. They're green.

But I hope to God. One day I don't put makeup on Ian's like, do you have green and black under your eyes I'm like yeah it's my blood and veins That's so funny to just be like ew gross what is that Yes every day And the bites are so prominent You're pretty froggy

It's uh You look hot but like in a gross way In like a chemo way No it makes you want to take care of you Yeah I just um Hospice style Okay In like a chemo way. No, it makes you want to take care of you. Yeah. I just. Hospice style. Okay.

Sometimes when I watch horror movies, I don't watch the movie. I just look at the person next to me and that's what I'm doing with TV. I'm watching Ian by just looking at him. He's like. Uh oh. I wish I, I wish I checked the exits before I sat down here. There was a lot from the outside. Perfect. Ethan isn't even real.

I'm really excited to watch it. I think it's 20 minutes rips. And I also think it's going to be, I think it's cool. Somebody has done it where it's like they show, I think Schult to watch it I think it's 20 minutes rips And I also think it's gonna be I think it's cool Somebody has done it Where it's like They show I think Schultz did it Schultz did multiple

Different rooms in the city Different comedy clubs Akash has done like Some different comedy club stuff And he's also done A 20 minute thing Stavros has done A 20 minute thing

I just feel like That just feels to me Like a good way to It's like this You know TikTokification. But you're the first one to do the cellar room. First one to do all four rooms of the cellar. What's it called? Mike Feeney and Night at the Comedy

Cellar. Simple, classy. Simple, classy. And I feel like Edit Stop, in terms of editing it, I feel like the only people I know that have ever directed and edited their own specials are Louie and Bo Burnham. Yeah, the three amigos.

Burnham, Feeney, CK. Oh, Bo does. We did it with Inside, you know. Yeah, I really like him. People hate him. People hate him because he's not traditional Santa, but Inside was like one of the best things I've seen in years. Can I tell you, there's a clip of him on

I didn't care for the crying. What was that show? No, it was like The Green Room with Paul Provenzo. Do you remember that show? Yeah. And Bo Burnham was on? Yeah. And I forget who was on with him,

but they're like, can you just... You were so funny. Can you please perform for us? And he did, and he did something on the piano, and every comic there was just like adoring him. And it was really cool to see. Yeah. I forget who was on it.

But it was. He still hasn't performed live ever since that last that like make happy or whatever that special is where he talks about like he ends that special talking about how he has like such severe social anxiety. And he like can't like perform live anymore. You're talking about which one? Make happy maybe. The crying one? No. The crying one he did, he cried on Inside.

And he's like frustrated. That's the one he did during the pandemic. Oh, what? He shot it all himself and edited it and all that stuff. Make Happy was after Inside? No, no, it was before. Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah. But he didn't perform live on Inside. It was all Pandemic. What? Wow. What was I going to say? Nothing's worse than when you're like,

I'm coming in. For what reason? Wait, Make Happy is the one where he does Dark Light, Dark Light, book on his head? I don't know. Okay, yes. That's the one with the Chipotle song in the end and stuff like that about the burritos.

Which is the one where he's like, I am an artist. I am an artist. I think that might be. All of them. Yeah. That's actually all of them. Yeah.

Oh, his movie, Eight Year Great Age. So do you mean he hasn't performed? Oh, inside was an alive performance. Right. He did it all inside. Is he skewed? Yeah.

He's a little bit skewed. Really? Yeah. That's bad. He's a very brave man. If you hear him on interviews, he sounds very brave. And this is what artists have to do. If you hear him on interviews, he sounds very brave and this is what artists have to do. We should get him on the podcast

and open him up. Okay. He's very tall. So are you. Yeah. I'd like to think I'm the perfect tall. That's what everyone says anyway. The perfect tall is 6'2". 5'8". Oh my God. I was going to say 6'2", but I thought you were 6'3", so I was going to say...

No. 5'8". 6'2". Not a thought you were 6'3", so I was going to say... No, 5'8 sucks. 6'2 is not a person that likes 5'8". Your chest on the head. Everyone loves 5'8". Taller than 6'2", you're a freak. People are saying they love 5'8". People are saying. People love 5'8".

6'2", too tall. Intimidating. It's perfect tall. I don't have to shop for anything specific At concerts I can look above everybody I go to Japan, I'm a giant 5'2 is good, humble, nice guy Yeah, but I Good, humble, nice guy

As he checks his phone Good, humble, nice guy I would I would love if people did watch it though Because that would be pretty cool They watched it and shared it and told people about it you know it'd be great watch it I'm gonna watch it

I can't wait for it when does it drop what's the date October 27th so I think it's out now it's probably out now how do you spell Feeney it'll come out F-E-E-N-E-Y yes that's correct I wanted them to know yes I appreciate everybody who does and Lou leaves a nice comment and whatever It'll come out. F-E-E-N-E-Y. 30. Yes, that's correct. I wanted them to know. Yes.

I appreciate everybody who does. And Lou leaves a nice comment and whatever. And Jared Freed told me this, which I think is such a good equivalent because we were talking about how like we give out things for free now, but like they are paying us with their time to watch stuff. And he is. And I think it's such a great scale. He said, if you go into this special and you like it, that's like tipping us like a dollar, right?

If you leave a comment, that's like five dollars. If you share it with like it, that's like tipping us like a dollar, right? If you leave a comment, that's like $5. If you share it with a friend, that's like $50. But if you share it in like a group chat, that's like a hundred bucks because you're spreading it around so much people. And Feeney exclusive right here. He told me before the pod, if you do that, he will match every one of those made up dollars

for the thing you just did. Yeah, I will match it. I will give it to Hamas. A charity. I don't know. Why would you ever do that face and get serious like that? He's really, don't get him started about the whole Hamas thing. You don't want to get me started.

I don't even order hummus anymore. I won't even get close to saying that word. I saw him the other day. I won't even say no more in Spanish. And he was like, no. Yeah, yeah. saying that word. I won't even say no more in Spanish. He was like, no! Tell us a joke where he goes, he calls hummus terrorist

peanut butter. Come on, that's so good. I hate him for being so good. When he says he looks like a Syrian guy who owns a GameStop con. GameStop in Syria? He calls oh, fuck, hold on, wait. What's going on with you?

You need to eat more Do his act as good as him too I'm losing steam What's he call? Oh! He calls the farmer's almanac The Amish Quran How does he even say that? The farmer's almanac The Amish Quran

There you go. Thank you. Thank you so much. That's exactly what it is. I've never seen it and I know that's what it is. You know. And then he goes, ha ha ha.

Yeah. Then he gets off stage and he's like, I hate myself. Like, that was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. He's like,

no, it all sucks. I'm like, God damn it. I love him so much. I heard a girl over the other night and he called. Which girl? I told you. Okay. I had a girl over the other night.

Which girl? I told you. Okay. And he called and she could hear him on the phone. And she's very pro-Palestine. And we were making jokes. And he made like a joke about Hamas. And she goes, are you pro-Israel?

And I go, I'm both sides. I'm bisexual. I'm bisexual. Everybody knows that about me. And then I was like, alright, well, and he goes, well, what about you? Are you getting any pussy lately? And I'm like, jokes, jokes, father and son jokes. And then she

was like, well, I'm gonna go. And she left? It wasn't because of that. It was like 4 a.m. Okay. 4 a.m. Okay. 4 a.m. You're just up talking at 4 a.m.? Hanging out. Hanging out. Watching movies. Living in the friend zone.

That is... After 4 a.m., the window is closed. Yeah, just surveying the land of the friend zone. Calling boys. We had crushes on. Hanging up when they pick up. Giving advice. Yep, yep, yep. Nothing's worse

than when you go up to, you're talking to a girl and you're like, I think this is going to be the one. And then all of a sudden they're like, can you help me with Ron? I feel like he's just not getting the signals that I want. We call that platonic patty cake. Oh. I call that getting cucked. No, that's not getting cucked, you. I call that getting cucked. No, that's not getting cucked, you dumb bitch. The man who gets cucked.

Go itch yourself, scratchy. I would scratch myself because I'm itchy. I feel like I'm getting itchy now. Me too, my foot itches. My hand is starting to get a little red. I swear to God, if I go bring bedbugs to my family- Listen, I have bedbug traps everywhere.

I sleep with duct tape around me in a circle. In a circle? I'm terrified to see how you live. You sleep like someone's trying to have a seance. You know what's crazy? What are they doing in the seance? I'm up the water So far away

When I feel the snake Biting into my vein Never did I want For you it would be the bed bug bite Enter my vein There used to be open mics at Bunga's den Oh Don't ever say that

That hurt my feelings Revision lounge Revision Lounge Bunga Revision Lounge was fun Bunga is not so good I liked Bunga Remember Uber Lounge Do you remember that

No what was that Oh Auto Shrunken Head Yeah that's the bad one I'm thinking of Pine Box Rock Shop Auto Shrunken Head was rough Pine Box is where I would

clean out my colon every week Clean out your colon I would get so scared that I'd be so tense all week and not shit and then I'd get there and I'd get so nervous that I would shit out my colon every week. Clean out your colon? I would get so scared that I'd be so tense all week and not shit and then I'd get there and I'd get so nervous that I would shit my brains out. The first time I saw Jordan I thought she was so funny because she was shitting on

Albert Kirshner. I was like, this chick rules. Not easy on the eyes, but she's funny. Punching down, you know me. Easy. Bedbugs, go to him. Yeah, you're like, wow. His arm just

blacks out. Like birds to the sun. Assemble. Yep. They just crawl out of there. It's like Venom where you're like, ah! I'm the guy from Men in Black

you smack one don't do that don't hurt him I got a piece of my hair went on my forehead I thought it was a bug I don't have bed bugs oh man what a narrative what? she's got bed bugs

what the fuck was that dude I thought you were reflecting on the podcast and you were calling it a narrative. If you both don't stop checking your phones, I'm not checking my phone. She is. Did you order food? Did you ever do South by Southwest? I got

booked for South by Southwest and then it was canceled two weeks before because of the pandemic. Why did you have to? What did you say? Because I have to? What did you say? Because I guessed it. What did you say? COVID. COVID.

Oh, yeah. I want lava lamps on stage when I do my special. Lava lamps are dope. I mean, it's going to be an absolute continuity nightmare for you. Yeah, really. Idiot. It's a really good point. They're one big blob.

Then they're a bunch of little blobs. I used to sleep with those in my room and just the most fire hazards that you could ever have. Yeah. Why? Look how amazing that is. Why? It's just a burning hot bulb in a hot tin.

Dude, it's the coolest. When do you think it's going to separate? I'm just thinking it's going to do it in three, two, Oh, no, no, no. Oh, he's coming down. Oh, that ball's going to go. Ready?

Oh, yeah. Get off of there. Oh, that's so cool. Mine was blue. Don't you want to touch it? Really? Yeah, it was all blue. The water was blue.

Everything was blue. It was very cool. He's going, hey, what's up? What do you want? I think I brought mine to college. I was really into lava lamps. Did you have a black light with a Doors poster? No, I had,

I took my mom's Guns N' Roses banner. It was like a flag material. Your mom had a Guns N' Roses banner? Yeah, dude. My mom is like... Is your mom hot? People say that, yeah. She was like a biker. Your mom was a biker? In Florida. Florida biker. Oh my God. Are you from Florida?

No, but they all live down there. Long Island. Yeah, yeah. But she has two motorcycles. Long Island and Florida, there's a tube that goes underneath. You have to. Literally, once you turn like 45,

it's like you just wake up and you're in Florida. And there's something about Florida, though. People shit on it. There is something so fun when I used to go down there in between college, like the summers. I worked in a surf shop. Florida's great. Dude, Am I wrong? It feels like

rules don't apply in Florida. And that's why it's great. I get off the plane and within four minutes of getting off the plane, I'm doing 85 on the highway with a PBR in my hand being like, Florida, you crazy son of a bitch. And some guy with an eye

called Snake. Everything is like sun tanned. And some guy Whits in an eye Called snake You're like This is the best Everything is like Sun tanned And you blow your friend In a hotel room On an 8th grade trip Oh

That's a different story Not one that most of us have Florida's the only place I've ever looked at my t-shirt And been like I gotta get these sleeves off You know Like that

That's the wardrobe of Florida Come to my side This is everyday You can live everyday like you live in Florida When you're Fidance I had like one of those types of shirts They don't work on my arms You know what I mean

You're too tall dickhead Dude if I was short and had like a barrel chested Stocky body like that But I'm like when you're in shape You're a big tub of fur What do you mean barrel chested stocky body? You know. Do I have to... Yeah, stout.

Like a little teapot. These are getting worse in description. Not a teapot. Yeah, like crumb from Ariel Monster. You do look like crumb. Thank you so much. Dude, can you hold your eyeballs over you for a second? Can we get just one of these maybe? If it was another one of these, it would be perfect. Yeah, hold you hold your eyeballs over you for a second? Can we get just one of these maybe?

If there was another one of these, it would be perfect. Yeah, hold those over your things like crumb. Because you actually have the armpits for it too, man. You're crumb. You're crumb. Crumb cool. That's what we're being for Halloween. You're being crumb.

You've never seen crumb? We got to get the costumes like now. Okay, I'll get it. Because we're doing a Halloween episode tomorrow. There's no way it can happen. The one that looks like a candy cane, a black and white candy cane. Okay. Yeah.

Dude, you've never seen Are Real Monsters? I've seen it, but I'm acting like I have a good. It's an insult. What's the little guy with these ears? I want to be Ickes. Yeah, because he gets mad. Your earthworm Jim. Who's that?

You don't want to know. That's a very bad insult. No, the scary guy in the wheelchair? No, no. He's not in the show. That's a different. You're thinking of. Don't say it.

I forgot his name. So it doesn't worry. What's that guy? I don't know. I don't remember. Rubber Johnny. You got eyes like Johnny. I don't think.

I don't think that's. Who are you thinking? He's I'm talking about Earthworm Jim. Do you know who Rubber Johnny is? No. Really? You're like. You don't remember the guy in the chair?

You like Toe Jam and Earl? Toe Jam and Earl. Who's that? You should Google rubber Johnny. Now? I'll see you guys. I'll just go on the phone. My scalp itch. Let me see. Don't touch. I see them coming out of her sleeve.

They're marching. I have a joke about bugs on my body. She'd be bed bugs marching. That was an hour? Thank you. That was fast. Do you feel like that was an hour? No, it felt, there is no time here.

I know, it's nice, right? It's a flat circle. Thank you, Russ Cole. So I saw a picture of you and your lady when you first got together and I sent it to you and I was like, they've been together since they were in sixth grade. And then I saw you and you were like, yeah, we got together when I was. We met in college. The picture of you, you look so young.

With long hair. It's crazy. I went all between freshman and sophomore year. I went that whole summer off as a bet to my roommates without shaving. And I had this much facial hair when I came back. I had like, I didn't start growing facial hair

until I was like 26. Yeah, yeah. But I truly had, I just had a, it was like the biggest joke when I had a fake ID because every bouncer was like, yeah, fucking right, dude.

Which hopefully helps me when I'm 45, you know, because I'll look, I have a younger face. But it was, yeah, I had a very baby face. And I just didn't grow my, I just grew my hair out for a year and it just was like a fucking mess. There is a comedian who dated their partner since they were like children.

Cannon. Next door neighbor. Next door neighbor. That's why we bonded initially because most comedians are like scumbags and like cereal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cereal, like fucking just bad. It's like, it also kind of is a good thing both to like not have something to worry about in comedy, whether it's like a, just the distraction of like needing to meet people and being on social media and like having already that part of my life figured out.

And then also the thing of like the amount of open micers who hook up in year one and then 12 years later, they're like, that was actually rape. And you're like, uh- actually rape. And you're like, uh-oh. And the person's out of comedy and you're like,

oh, so now they're just, they're fucked at their regular job. That's just their job now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tough, man. Is your wife your best friend? She's definitely, probably for sure.

I mean, she has to be, right? We actually started out as friends, which is what, which is, we went from friends Ooh Failed the test Yeah

She is a Person No interest in my life Currently Sometimes Confide in her Top three Top three is good

Top three is great It's great Your best friend is Cannon I don't know Maybe I don't want him to get An inflated ego about it. Oh, okay, okay, okay.

But Sag, Cannon. I also have my friends from back home, too. Which I've already said that. I was telling Cannon's story one day. I was like, ah, you know, I was talking to one of my best friends. And he was like, what? I know I always do that with you. And he does that with me.

I have friends from back home. They're better people. Yeah, I don't know that mine are better people. I ditched one for you the other day. One of them talked shit about Ian and I said, you're dead to me. Wow. Dude, how about this? You ever get those people, you get your friends from back home

who send you like a message or like that, and they'll be like, have you ever heard of whatever, like Matt Rafe or they send you a comic or like someone that you know and they're like, oh my God, you know Chris DiStefano or whoever it is. Or you're like, it's so funny that they're like, I can God, you know, Chris DeStefano or like, or whoever it is. Or you're like, it's so funny that they are, they're like, I can't even imagine you meeting him. And you're like, I've known him from the beginning. It's very, when they send you a clip of somebody that just is your friend. Sagalow is the best. Cause his group chat from Long Island sent him a thing.

They were like, Tim Dillon's playing the paramount. We're all getting tickets. Who's coming with, and like had Sagal little bit of a thing and he was like, don't put me in this chat. Get me out of here. Yeah, that's so much fun. They were like, Sag, you'll come, right?

And he's like, I'm not coming to this show. Buying, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buying a ticket to go sit and watch. And then he went to Long Island and they were like,

we're busy. My, oh God. My, my. He didn't even tell you the date. The thing is like, friends will send me things they think are funny. Oh, it's tough. My buddy send me things they think are funny.

Oh, it's tough. My buddy sent me this thing from Bro Bible. And he's like, this is hilarious. Legitimately itchy. Me too. And I was like, so I didn't crack a smile once. And then comedy has ruined my brain so much that what I sent him back that I thought was funny was a video of a burn victim

doing what just talking about how she got burned she was like hey guys you're a molotov cocktail in my living room and I was just laughing so hard picturing him being like I wonder what he thinks is funny and it's just a fucking woman burning a lot. A Molotov cocktail? What are you, a fucking Call of Duty? And then a UAV was above? Dude,

I don't... Just him in bed with his wife and family like, this is a funny thing. What's he going to do? Look at what his thumbs are doing. I'm like, I'm like truly

stop doing the impression. And it's on a site that they just show videos of freaks. They don't even do anything to help freaks. I mean this, I mean this as a compliment. Am I gonna go viral? And it's like, yeah, those wounds are

viral infection. Am I going to go viral? And it's like, yeah, those wounds are. Viral infection. I really, I mean this in the best way possible. You will die alone. There is absolutely no way. Your last hours will be alone. It has to be. There will be a cat. There will be a cat.

And a bitey girl. Because I'll be the one covering And a bitey girl. Yeah. Because I'll be the one covering it up going, quiet now, boy. Go with God. Yeah. My last words are,

are you coming with me? I'm right behind you, buddy. Just going to go out for a smoke real quick. Oh, boy. All right. This is great. Thanks for having me. This has been fun. Yeah. Thank you for coming, plug it up

What you got, fiends? And I am Mike Feeney on social media, but forget all that Come and watch my special Come on, come on Watch my special Please, on my YouTube channel This is everything So if you guys don't watch it,

yeah, this is it. I would really love it. I think you'll enjoy it. And again, if not, then it's only me to blame because I did all of it. Are we going to have a watch party? No, I would never.

I would rather die than do that. I had to hang in the park so that nobody could watch it because the glare would hit the phones. What do you mean? So that nobody could pull out my special and watch it. We should go to the park and play can jam.

Okay, let's go right now. What? When? It's dark out. When you release your thing. Oh, I would do anything but- When are you releasing? Next Friday.

What is it again? I'm just kidding. I'm on the road. Mike Feeney, United The Comedy Cellar. Please go watch it on my YouTube channel. October 27th. It's already out now. It's already out now.

It's out now. Just go watch it right now Go watch it Please go watch it Tell everyone Leave a nice comment I hope you enjoy the jokes Ian's in it

Watch it for Ian Even if you don't Watch me berate a crowd Of morons It's very fun Yeah and then you can Finally understand What we're talking about

When we're saying like What room were you in Oh I was in the lounge Watch cause then you can get it And Feeny's so fucking funny I appreciate that. Funny Feeney. We call him every day. We go, hey, there's funny Feeney.

I would like a V and threw in a compliment or he ascended that, but he's not going to do that. So, uh... You said the funny and then he didn't say anything. I was like, I would love a V and added to that compliment. I said we call you funny Feeney every day. She said that. Yeah, I said it louder.

IanBarnett.com I like it. I like that your jokes are going to be so tight. You are such a tight joke writer, but it'll be loose around the thing, so that juxtaposition, like if you showed me or Ian being around the thing, you'd watch it and just be like, did somebody knock this place, Molotov

cocktail? But with you, it'll be tight and then go. Yeah, be go up there trying to get strangers, laugh at a burn. The ones that you mean, the ones that, the ones that you threatened to make burn victims in the bar. Right. Before I want to say she's got no lips.

EFI dance.com. November 3rd. I'm at Amityville musical in long Island. I fucking would love if Amityville musical Hall in Long Island. Dude, I fucking would love if Amityville Music Hall was filled with burn victims and you just walked out on stage and every burn victim

in Long Island showed up. Good. They all look like it. Just fucking buy tickets. I don't give a shit what you look like. I'm in Burlington, Vermont, Rochester, Syracuse, and Albany

all in December, November. Oh, I'm coming to L.A. I don't know when this comes out, but I think it's in like two days. I'm headlining at the improv. Go get tickets for that if it's not already sold out, which it might be. And Utah in November, too. Wise guys. And also, I'm not done.

Sacramento, Philly, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, San Diego, IanFidance.com. We're doing a live B&E podcast in Tampa, January. Yeah. Nice. IanFidance.com for tickets. That's going to be cool. Oh, and I don't know if it's on sale yet, but tickets for my special taping, December 3rd, The Cutting Room, two shows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be great, man. IanFidance.com. My belt buckle keeps coming undone. Tighten the hole. I've been telling her yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be great. E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E We'll see you next time.