Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 067: Poltergeist Response W/ TJ Miller

Episode Date: November 8, 2023

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, December 3rd, The Cutting Room, New York City. I'm filming my first special, 7 and 9.30, two shows. Come on out, ianfidance.com for tickets. I'll see you there! wild ride when you're being in coffee ice no matter what now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride when you're being an Ian. Be an Ian with Jordan. Welcome to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. I am so excited to be here. Speaking of buying, buy tickets to see my special taping

Sunday, December 3rd. At the Cutting Room. The Cutting Room. IanFighting.com for tickets to shows 7 and 930. I'll see you there. It's pretty fun that it's being Ian with Jordan. Yes. Isn't that fun?

It's something funny. You don't like it? I love it. Why wouldn't I like it? It's something funny you don't like it i love it why wouldn't i like it it's just funny because do you think it should be an ian and jordan um i i think it's great i like that it's being in because sometimes i have dissociative episodes where i can't say anything because i'm so depressed and then it really becomes the ian show. Ian also has a difficult time. Not chiming in to every other word that is said. So it really is being Ian with Jordan sometimes. But even so.

Let's get what this retard did. He goes, I got you a gift. He goes, I got you. He goes, I got you a lady in a tramp pair. Isn't that nice? That's two ladies. I didn't know. Guess how much you paid for this. $24 for both of them.

12 a lady. This is a dollar in a dollar store. 12 years a lady. No, it's from Japan. It's nice. It would be B and E in an emotional with Jordan. Whoa!

Blow the shofar on that one. This is how we start the show. An emotional Horden with Jordan. Whoa. Wow. Blow the shofar on that one. This is how we start the show. Yeah. I am now better than the Hasidics at this. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, I only know what that is because one of my friends is very Jewish,

although he's adopted, so he's not actually Jewish. And I did a Jewish comedy festival, the Chosen chosen comedy festival i heard about that in brooklyn and then i um because i'm a maybe jew yeah so that was very funny i have material on it although i haven't done it because it's i really do hate the that in the current climate of comedy, I really like, I had a conversation with Kate, and she's like, you should not be talking about white women being terrible, although I'm not listening to that. And she goes, you really shouldn't be saying anything.

It's like, it is in your mind. You're like, fuck that man, free speech. But then logic is just like, yeah, do i need to do that because i do have other jokes yeah but we went and we did the festival it was great he played one of those as sort of a rim shot with my jokes i told like old kind of great the i told these i told a bit about being a maybe jew and it was so fun and he taught me how to play that and he had the big one that goes yeah and then he had a mini one also i don't know what that's called and do you know a party machine yeah but it's a jewish version

jewish party call not a noisemaker an annoying maker yeah a noise maker and then i was gonna do the jewish festival look at you killing the Jewish. In Miami. And then the guy organizing it, he, a self-professed Jew, did the thing that some Jewish people do, which is he chanced me out of the money. Oh, no. And used my name.

And there's another group of club owners that are very Jewish, and they do that too. I go, you guys should get some better food. Like all your food is like Cisco. You're like, well,

Jewish. Yeah. So we got to get cheap food. It's all about, I'm like, I don't think you should be saying on that. Yeah. Is that weird?

That'd be like a black guy. I'd be like, well, of course I'm late. Yeah. It's like, no, what do you mean?

Why would you? Oh, so you've never hung out with my friends from Philly? Yeah, right. Exactly. That comes up a lot. Right, right. I just saw the Killers of the Flower Moon.

I really want to see that. Will you see it again? It's four hours. And I read the book. And in the movie, like three times, somebody's like, yeah, they're really trying to Jew these Indians out of their money. Really trying. And it was like a lot.

And I left and my feature was like, did you notice? And we were both like the Jew thing because we both read the book. It's nowhere in the book. It's just Scorsese being like. Oh, wow. It's not in the book. It's not in the book. It's like really weird liberties you're taking with that.

If you think about his other movies, like when he's being like, you know, you Jew fuck. There's so many movies where he says that. But at the same time, it's like. He's an Italian, they kind of. Yeah. I thought that it was like taking liberties with like, well, this is kind of how they did talk historically.

But then like, I remember I saw the Harriet Tubman movie and they totally took liberties with taking out any like bad things about black people. And there was a white guy starting a mob and he goes, come on, everybody. Let's get these thieves. And I was like, I guarantee that's not the word he used. Well, they took a lot because they would go, how much is the Underground Railroad? And we're like, don't chew me. Yeah. I was in there, too. me. I was in there, too.

I was in there, too. It always goes back to people not liking people that all they've ever done is survive. That's right. And then take all of the resources for themselves. Because you know what? If you got kicked out of every society that you elevated yourself to to have some real power, then you would also sort of want to hoard

resources. Well, yeah, if everyone's attacking you and taking away from you, you know. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. This is just Hasidic social socio-political theory. That's what I bring to the pod. That's what our show is. You're nailing it. Yes. And so what is the staff? pod. That's what our show is. You're nailing it. Yes. So what is

the staff? Would it be called a staff or a cane? That's a hot topic really cringy cane that a sad man purchases. You're not mad at me. You're mad at the other guy that hurts you. But you take it out on me because you

love me the most. And I accept that about you. And that's the truth. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I want to be honest with you. I was laying in bed today in this mid panic attack that I had. And I'm, I'm, I'm talking to Mike. He's talking me down and I look down and I'm like, Oh, I look down and I swear to God, there is a cat head shaped bruise on my fucking leg. Cause I was like, Hey, cause he goes like this,

this stupid fucker goes like this. He's like me and Kyle done again are having a great conversation about free will. Ian is sitting over here. Dress this up. And she's dressed as Beetlejuice for Halloween episode. And done again, forgot to dress up.

So he's just normal guy sitting next to a skeleton and we're Beetlejuice for a Halloween episode and Dunnigan forgot to dress up. So he's just normal guy sitting next to a skeleton and we're Beetlejuice and Elvis. Really? He's just doing his tig. Yeah, yeah. And then he's sitting next to a skeleton and we're talking about free will and Ian is getting very activated because as people do where they're like,

there is free will, there is free will. And you're trying to explain, you're like, yes, you feel like you have free will. Because people that believe in no free will talk in circles. I want to hit, I have the free will to hit're trying to explain you're like yes you feel like you have free will because people that believe in no free will talk in circles to hit you did i have the free will to hit jordan in the leg and he went oh i don't and he was getting so activated and the whole time he's being like i'm not i'm not mad i'm not mad at all and then finally he goes i have free will watch bam and smacks me so hard in the leg and i swallowed it because i was too embarrassed in

front of kyle who like raised me comedically to be like so I just was like and then I go you're going to be punished for that later I said you're going to be punished for that later and then I let it go and I was like you guys do have a serious relationship and

there is a literal cat head bruise on my leg and I have the free will to do this. There, I'll get one too. That wasn't half as hard. You're living in a fantasy world if you think I hit you harder than that. Wouldn't you say, I have the free will to give you this cane to hit me in the leg? I have the free will to give you.

No, because if I listen to you, that's not free will. Wait, and you say it for those people talking circles. That's what you just did. I think the whole, there is no free will, which that guy Sam Harris tries to really push on us. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm saying. But of course he does.

It's not up to him. And so I have this thing of it's like, like you're saying kind of why talk about it? Oh, take your gum out. Put it in your hair. Yeah. We're eating outside. Well, Jordan and I are sharing a salad with feta cheese outside.

TJ's in my rocking chair. We're eating out of our hands. And Jordan's like like I don't know He just loved me And she's got fetishies hanging out of her hair Do you know what It was a good look There's always stuff in my hair

Whenever people are surprised at that You look very pretty today You can't take a compliment It's a poltergeist response That's what it is. I think you're going to look great in this tour coat that you're buying. Stay away from the light, Jordan Ann. Using my discount, I think that thing's going to look great.

Take it. What? Nothing. It is true. Back to crippling anxiety with With emotional Horton Jordan. Yeah. Anytime somebody's like, you had a great day. Also, Ian.

That's who it should be. Emotional Horton with Jordan. I think it's crazy that given the, I wish Ethan was there last night, given the position I was in emotionally, how well I did on Stand Up On The Spot. You did great. I'm so proud of you. I was

no sleep, and the first time I had only done material because I didn't know. Stand Up On The Spot is just improvised? Yeah, you would love it. You need to do it. Of course, I'm a terrible writer. Yes. Join the club, brother. I was just talking with somebody who doesn't,

who is not in comedy. I don't want to be rude, but I kind of was looking for it. Oh, you're an amazing writer. Give me that cane. Take it. Free will. Free will. Free will is real.

I go home, Kate's like, where did you get that cat bruised? Is Kate a real person? Were you bondaging someone? I like imagining that Kate isn't real because you talk about her on stage and so much. She lives in Canada, okay? Where at the other high school? Where do you live?

Same high school, satellite campus. Oh, gotcha. Oh, I've heard these questions before. No, she's real. I kind of decided recently that I'm not going to talk about her on. The problem is talk about her on stage too much. People are like talking about your wife a lot, but if you, so then you go, okay, don't.

But when you talk about her on stage, all the women in the audience are like, this is a good dude. And I am a good dude. I do love her and think about her and venerate her, all that kind of stuff. So it's kind of a catch-22 where you're like, don't want it to be too much. But also when it's absent from the... I feel like some women, when I go on stage stage they're kind of like this is gonna be a really broey set you know is he just gonna be up here being like fucking so i love when you talk

about it i don't think there's any negative i actually that's one of my bits fucking what so sorry i thought you were about to compliment me Sometimes it just begins out of anticipation Yeah that's After any set somebody comes up and they're like Hey Jordan It's crazy my whole family's like that Can I tell you last night she's crushing on stage And then she does this thing about I don't know what to do during sex

I don't even know what to say I'm just afraid I'm gonna to, you know, like Gregorian Chan or Tunisian like throat chant like, and the crowd is everything up until that. They're like, yeah. They're like, the fuck is that? You know what's weird is that also is like a bit that I do. It's so funny.

It's so funny, but they were like, what the fuck are these noises? Yeah, and maybe some of them were like, is this okay to laugh at? I did? I went really crazy in, it must have been Nashville because it did really well, but I just was making noises. And then it found its way to,

it would go into Native Americans at the beginning, just the beginnings of of it and then it would make its way out of there and then i could tell that they were like is this okay and then i'd go find its way back in but i just think chanting is so funny i think the noises are so funny yeah you know what's the buddhist chant what is it you know what? Kate is a Buddhist. And she does, she did it this morning. She does Nam-myo-renge-kyo, Nam-myo-renge-kyo. So she's like a hardcore Buddhist that does that when she's got her shit together.

She does it in the morning and then sometimes at night. You mean, does she live in New York City? Did you see her doing this? Yeah, this morning. She's here? Where? In the city with you? In the city?

Yeah, we live together. We own a house. So when you leave here, she'll be there? When I go down the road? Like, we could call her and she'd come. To where? To here. Yeah, she could.

She lives. Wow. What? I've just never, I've heard so much and I've never seen her in the idea. Because the big reason is because. Is she supposed to do bring her on stage? No, no, no. But she, she'll come to some shows if it makes sense.

If her friends are coming to show, she of course will come to the show. But she hates the comedy cellar. Oh, interesting. And I've told, I've told her, I've been like, listen, if you go to the, the comedy seller. And I've told her, I've been like, listen, if you go to the, the boo,

or if you know what she, she has come to the fat black pussy cat a few times. She loves Daniel Simonson. Yeah. She loves, uh, um, Lenny Marcus,

but she can see him at the comic strip. He's the best, right? He might be the best in the city. He might be the best. He best. Right. He might be the best in the city. He might be the best. He is. I think he might be the best in the city. He's so fucking solid. So funny.

Who's the other person that I was thinking was so good? Lenny Bruce. That's what I always almost call Lenny Marcus. Lenny Marcus. But there was somebody else that I was like, you are low key the best to watch. I can't remember who it was, but it was a weird one. He's so good. Daniel Simonson's really great.

But if you see him enough which people do at the cellar you see him kind of bomb and that's not that doesn't mean he's not a great comic but it is it does sort of tell you like he has one speed he kind of doesn't have a gear box

sort of but I've never seen him improvise he had that show forever I want to see that it's on wednesdays so that's a marks under st marks right and yeah and um well he's a he's a guy that like if you're not on board right away then it is going to be a long 15 minutes it is and you can see him on stage being like oh yeah but he he's got to keep doing the act. Can I tell you? Which is something that both of you, if it's going a certain way, there is absolutely no

fourth wall. So I've even seen the two of you go out, do something. I do this. I was like, go out, you do something halfway through the bit. You haven't even gotten a key response from the audience. You don't even, you might end the bit and the audience is like, yeah, just lift you up, take

shoulders into the street, spilling champagne. But because of the vibe halfway through the bit, you're like, you're not liking this. And I got to tell you I'm uncomfortable. If you're uncomfortable, I'm actually more uncomfortable than you. So don't try to out comfortable me. Last night, he literally, Ian's supposed to be doing, you're supposed to say, you're supposed to say a thing and then you make up a bit about that thing. And somebody goes mushrooms and Ian goes, do you like mushrooms? And the guy was like, yeah. And he was like, what do you like about them?

And I was like, Ian, Ian, it's a problem. And you're just like, but how are you doing? Because you had slipped in mode of audience. Like you would save yourself at times by just being like such and such here's a bit it's not working are you alive sir and it was dry but it was so funny to watch you just be like it is way easier for me to read you guys than to just be a guy up here getting things you know i mean i could never um i could never i took my shirt off on stage last night yeah

that's something I have not done I have ripped my pants off and then duct taped them for the next show but not like not what I imagine you do before you go to bed every night I believe that you have a track

suit and the pants. Come on! And I play the balls warm-up team. You've got shorts that are the same cloth and material of the track pants. So you're sleeping in the shorts version of those things. But no, I just like ripped. It was already ripped. And so I kind of ripped it and then left it on.

People will come up to me. You guys probably have this, but they'll come to me and they'll be like, I was there. It's your show. Two years ago where you completely ripped your pants off and then you duct taped them. You left and duct taped them back and then you started yelling at the people and you yelled at this one woman about how her pants are always together and they're never ripped and she doesn't know freedom. Wasn't that a crazy night? And I'll be like, no recollection.

You do remember that, right? And I'm like, yeah. You had a bit that I came up to you and I was like, I watch it so often. It's like really disgusting that you did it one show. And I came up to you and I was like, yeah, you did this bit. And you're like, no recollection. I was like, that's crazy. It was pretty funny.

Dude, the scarf bit, the scarf where you're like, you don't remember it. What is it? You're like, Oh, this guy has a scarf on.

And you're like, you know what you do? You know what you do when people are like, Oh, I see you're wearing a scarf. Faggot. Where's your bag? Get faggot. You take their baguette, faggot?

You take their scarf and you go, oh, you mean this scarf? You choke them out and you go, look at me. Look at me while I watch you die. And it is so funny. I watch it so, the way that you do. Where do you watch it? YouTube. In your head.

Oh. It's on, I say f watch it? YouTube. In your head. Oh. It's on, I say faggot on YouTube? Yeah, yeah. Well, you're imitating somebody saying that. You're like, here's what you do if somebody comes up to you. You're in the cane of cool. You're saying they're a bad guy and the Scarf guy's a good guy. That happened, I did this thing called Tech Crunch.

I watched you die. And I did, and I did, I did like, I did this thing where I did it in front of all these tech people. And Travis Kalanick, who's like, he invented Uber. And his girlfriend was this violinist. I never would have expected. I never would have expected. What? What?

Oh, who's that guy? Who's that guy? Who's that guy? Who's that guy? Who's that guy? He invented Uber. No! He invented the thing that changed transportation. Yeah, completely. He works at the bodega in London on 69th. And so, his

girlfriend at the time was this violinist and she came and she was so entitled, she brought a little dog with her to the show. And the dog kept yapping and she kept heckling me. And I was so entitled she brought a little dog with her To the show and the dog kept sort of yapping and she kept heckling me And I was like I'm just not gonna And finally I go you're talking all the time why are you talking all the time And she's like something and I go and you brought a dog why did you bring a little dog To the show no one else brought a dog and I kept saying it like that

What's with the dog? And she went something like, well, I'm... And then before she answered, I go, I mean, everyone in here is like, is this bitch from Palo Alto or what? And we got a big laugh. And then the next day, all of the blogs said that I called a woman the B word. And the B word was thrown around. And so what I did, I was doing an impression of everybody else. So it's the same deal. But now it's too dangerous to even

do that because it comes out of your mouth. No. Fuck away. Where are you seeing the detriment? You were right and they were wrong. Bitch. You can't believe they called it the B word? He called somebody a cunt last night. Good.

Yeah. Oh, you know, I had this Greek comedian and this, uh, this Greek comedian and a Portuguese comedian. Walking to a bar. Oh, I was there with them. We thought about calling it, but at the stand, I did a show where it was Portuguese. He's the funniest, best comedian in Portugal.

And then the Greek comedian, I think is the best. He is. English speaking, they're both the best in the country, which is hilarious because I performed in Greece. And after the show, there were a bunch of comedians that came to see me. And I was like, ah, so cool. You guys, did you understand all of it? And they're like, yeah, you know, most of us speak English here.

I think they probably were like, fuck you. But they're like yeah i know we speak english so we got the gist of it and we've watched you before online i was like that's cool and i was like so there are a lot of like greek comedians like in in the country right now in athens they're like yeah us and i was like no i know you guys are comedians but like are there a lot of like what's the stand-up scene here like Like, and they were like, it's us. It's the eight of us. So it was really, really interesting. But both these guys had moved to London. I did this. I tried to do this. Like I brought this guy, I have a doc on Philadelphia where I was performing at the punchline while the Eagles were in the Superbowl and everybody

thought they were going to win and all of us. And every night I would go on and I would be like, everybody thought they were going to win and all of us. And every night I would go on and I would be like, who's going to win. We do the whole thing. And we were going to have this triumphant thing. We were going to take the cameras and see people, they grease the poles and it doesn't matter.

And they'd be going up to, and they lost. And so it was this really weird and they lost for a bullshit. Holy call. So it's this very strange thing where this documentary that was supposed to be this triumphant Philadelphia thing. Cause I love Philadelphia. It was, uh, sort of a tragic comedy and we put so much money on the Eagles and I have won basically all the money that I lost. I want all this money on the chiefs cause my family's from Southeast Kansas. So I've been on them a couple of times. This,

uh, this guy who died, who owned, um, the Kansas city comedy club, Stanford and sons comedy club. He like was a huge chiefs fan. They never got to the super bowl.

So when they did, he died right before that. We put all this money. Um, but the, I try to do a doc about me and on the European tour and look how fun it is and behind the scenes and all that stuff. And now looking back,

I'm like, that was so dumb and self aggrandizing. We went to Paris, did it. And then in London, I started talking to a friend of mine, this guy, Jared Christmas,

who's a Kiwi comic, just about the London scene. What's it like? What's it like? And slowly the documentary morphed into talking about these emerging stand-up scenes all over europe and there it's right now in europe it's like the early 2000s almost actually 90s like luna lounge i was never here for that yeah but they basically like we invented stand-up comedy.

Yes, it's exactly Rafifi era. And a lot of these places, they go, oh, there aren't purpose-built comedy clubs except in Oslo, Norway. So it is Rafifi. They find these smaller theaters. They have a lot of bar shows. But it's starting to emerge in these places. And so we spoke to comedians.

I had the guy for Paris, London, Finland, Helsinki, Finland, Amsterdam, and Estonia. And here's what the scene is like in Estonia. Okay. Because the scene in Finland. Wait, how is this related to the Philly one? It's all the same doc. So it is. No, it's the same thing.

The documentary started out as something and then it transformed into the philly dock became it's actually you watch the philly dock and at the end of it you kind of almost want to start crying it's like really because you i interview all these philadelphia people and you can see how much it means right it really means but it's not even at the end of it we sort of show the aftermath a little bit but you didn't need to have a lot of took about a minute of seeing these people an old an elderly woman it's just all these people have come to this giant the fillmore is where we watch the game this old woman is like crying because she's like i guess i'll never see them win it's oh my it's so sad and so my friend to leave her husband because he was sobbing about the Eagles game.

Okay. I felt like it was a testament to an emotional lack of capacity. The man's talking about the importance of what all this is. You know, putting... Try and get out of here with the pack. What happened? I guess he's offended and he left. Oh, Jesus.

And he took my prized possession, sort of. That was a weird moment. And I tried to go after him, but Jordan hit me with a cane so hard. So now I carry a knife and I'll avenge the stealing of my toy. I mean, he's a fucking

Yeah. Sobbing. I mean like and I'm like, that's not your you're not, imagine if you're on the team. But it's all they have. Yeah. And they put everything.

They're so hardcore. Yeah, yeah. But it goes back to like, yeah, he can get another one of those. Yeah, he can get another one of those. Yeah. You don't get another shot at the bowl. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I think, so it changed, you know? And so this documentary in Finland sort of changed too. We just have hundreds of hours, but the guy that did the Philly doc also did the European standup doc. And the weirdest thing was Finland. They were the funniest. And we hung out after my show at this bar and it's so Finland, it's so bizarre.

So we went to this bar and in the background, their ambient music is Norwegian death metal. It's actually finished death metal. Yeah. And it's loud enough that you hear it, but it's sort of ambient music. And these guys get so drunk, but you can't tell they're drunk until they tell you.

And so we're talking, no one seemed drunk, but she was finishing these things called long drinks. And then one of them suddenly goes, I'm very drunk. And then he got up and he ran. He ran out of the bar. Ran, full sprint.

It was so amazing. But one of these guys, then I went and I did a Finnish show where everybody's speaking Finnish, but I went up and spoke in English. Yeah. And my material didn't go well. What does Finnish kind of sound like? So it's like darker

Swedish, but they sound like they're very unhappy and they are during the winter. Sorry. And so there was one comic. He had these glasses and he did a little ukulele thing and his timing and his speech was very laconic. So the whole thing was like, he was so funny,

but I couldn't understand a word he said. I was laughing the whole time. Have you guys ever seen that? Have you seen a comic? Well, speaking of understanding, what does laconic mean? Yeah, is that- I don't, I don't know.

Laconda? No, I don't know. Laconic? Was he doing black voice? Instead of black face, black voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he just... It's through that.

Japanese? So I couldn't understand. Yeah, that's a little more poltergeist. But that's your wheelhouse, I think. That's your safe emotional space. I played Norway. I played Norway and everyone did. Oh, you did? Where?

Bern, Norway. Simonson hooked me up. Oh, wow. I did a European tour right before the pandemic. Bergen or Bern? Bergen. Bergen, yeah. Yes,gen, Switzerland is where I played

as well and the first night demolished, English speaking show amazing, I'm a god, next night, last night of the tour, I was the only English speaker on the show but they were like

they love American comics. We are lying about that. It was not good. Quite a way to end the tour. I ended up poorly performing with a Chinese man later that night. Cause you were chasing a set. You're like, I gotta get one more.

Why is it bad? Why is what bad? Performing there. No, Norway's amazing. But for the show where I bombed. Because it's impossible to follow. They just have been listening to their. Everyone's crushing in Norwegian.

And then I go up in English and it's just different. And they've been hearing someone talk about inside jokes and culture stuff and all that. And then you get up and people are almost like, okay, American, let's see what the deal. But the first night was a multi-language show. And it was amazing. I did, my favorite place to perform is Oslo. And I know a lot about Norwegian culture. So I kind of talk about that.

But I wanted to ask you guys, Cash Levy, who I know a lot about Norwegian culture so I kind of talk about that but I wanted to ask you guys Cash Levy who I do a podcast with it's called Cashing In with TJ Miller and he's he's the host he's a tough time getting guests and he's not the name of the show no well yeah it is it's Cashing

In with TJ Miller oh and his name's Cash Levy ah and so me and Ian that must be tough yeah and so I Cashing in with TJ Miller. Oh, and his name's? Cash Levy. Ah. And so, being Ian, that must be tough. Yeah. And so I think that. With Jordan.

Is that you? Meow. I asked you a million times if you wanted to change the name of the show, and you said no, and you liked it. It's too big now to change, okay? Yep. Good. You're not mad at me. You're mad at something else.

I'm not mad. I think it's, is it me? No. What are you mad at? I'm not mad. I want to know about cash levy and the wigwags. So cash levy,

it's an interview show and he's the guest, but he has a tough time getting interviews. I don't know if people don't like him. He doesn't have a lot of friends. So I'm the only guest that's been on the show for seven years. That's hilarious. So you guys should check it out. There'll be a link at the very bottom of the description of this show.

You know what? Very bottom. Past the hashtags. Put it on the top. You heard it here first. Link at the top. God, that's what it's like being in. You make the call. It happens.

This is 106.2. Do you want to know what it's like being with Jordan? What? What's it like? What is it like? Oh, God, that face. Put the face away. That's full of guys. It must be amazing. And so Cash Levy has this theory

I want to hear what you guys thought about this That the last show of the weekend When you're working a club Is What determines how you feel about the club So you can kill every show And then if Sunday night Or late show Saturday or whatever it is

Is awful you're like fuck that place It's the worst ever. But if you bomb and they're rowdy there and then Sundays, every show sucks. And then Sunday you fucking kill. You just crush. And you're like, can't wait to go back,

man. That place is one of the best clubs in the United States. What do you think? Ladies first. Yeah. What's the thought with jordan well i think that sometimes saturday night can be like the drunk audience right so it can be like a magical thing where they're playful and good or it can be annoying i think if you have like i think it's a percentage if you have two shows that

you're like fuck yeah then you're like that club is great but i think that the shows that i've done where it's like thursday is amazing and then it keeps tapering then I've done where it's like Thursday is amazing. And then it keeps tapering. Then I'm like, ah, it's a little, that club's flat.

I had one of those, but if it's like great. And then Friday late show is great. And then Saturday kind of sucks. It'll balance it. It's almost like it needs to be. I'm on team. Your opinion on this.

I think if the last show of the weekend Sucks and I come out net positive I'm like no it's a great fucking place Sometimes it is just Saturday late show You don't sell as well And I never blame it on the club So let me double back Maybe I put this out Maybe I phrase this incorrectly

It's not how you feel about the club It's how you feel about the weekend So you look back at the weekend and you go That fucking ruled when you had two good shows and then two bad shows no i really have ended with the because you take your shirt off i take my shirt off it's being burnt with christ your finance oh no i have a very high standard of what a really a good show is. Like I'll get off stage and people are like, that was great. And I'm like, I hated every moment of that.

I get off stage and be like, that was great, man. They loved it. I'm like, I hated that audience. That's how I was in Minneapolis. Remember that, Ethan? On your phone? This is a really sad part of the show. You're like that all the time. I have to go,

you did great. I have to go, I have to go, you're, you did great. And then you go, no, I sucked. And I go,

no, it was great. But then other audiences, I won't get a ton of laughs, but I'll get laughs and stuff, but I'll get off and I'll be like, God, I love that fucking audience. Yeah.

I'll have a show where they laugh, where we get into a giggle fest about something that is ridiculous. I got into a giggle fest with an audience. I think it was last night about the yogurt about, I was like a guy carrying around yogurt and you're like, what flavor yogurt's that? And he's, and he was like, doesn't have a flavor. And for some reason that got all of us giggling. And I was like, I loved every second of that. Yeah. That's the best I did. If you ever had this, I I've almost given up on it so sad but I have this story and it's a bit about going

to wanting ice cream I haven't really done it lately because I've lost faith in it wanted ice cream and that's what it's like being Ian with Jordan I think he was gaining faith

as he was beginning to tell that story. And I lost it. I thought he needed a rah-rah moment. No, you didn't need that. You don't want a rah-rah? Tell me if you have similar experience. Let's hear it and we'll see if you should give up or not. So I wanted ice cream and I was in Erie, Pennsylvania.

What the fuck was that, lady? Jesus, why are you spitting? He goes, this is the looping thing that you do it's crazy he goes he goes well let me tell the story and then you can decide if we need a rap and you go great how about this you tell the story and then we'll decide if you need a rap there's something fucked in your brain dude oh i'm fucked in the brain i'm fucked in a different way you're literally going... Last night I was going to go to the hospital and this morning...

Hey, we said not on pod, faggot. That's a fair thing to say. I can see why... Ian fucks kids. That's not true. Go ahead. I can see why the podcast is successful. Jesus. See?

No, I need that. See? You pick up a shoe and drink out of that. So the story goes, I was in Erie, Pennsylvania. Ow! Sorry, I just crossed my license out of my balls. How about you tell us the story right now and then we'll tell you. You guys talk.

That's how stories work. So thank you. A check, please. I'll take these tenders to go. I'll have what they're having. I'll have what they're having.

I'll have what they're having. I'm in Erie, Pennsylvania. I don't have to tell a story. I don't need to tell the story. I don't need to. No. That'll happen.

We got to talk about that dick in a second. I can't believe it'll go in any direction. It's a dividing rod and the water is whatever other genitalia exists. She's in Erie, Pennsylvania and I wanted ice cream. And I, sometimes when I want ice cream, I'll buy it and I'll eat it because I'm an adult.

And for so long in our lives, you, there was an intermediary between us and ice cream, right? So you had to ask somebody for ice cream and they could say, no, they could just say no. And you had no way to buy or anything. So I, this was an occasion where I said, I want ice cream. I'm going to buy it. I'm going to eat it. But there was no ice cream store in Erie, Pennsylvania.

I was like, what the fuck is going on? But I saw a place called Rita's Custard. And it looked like an ice cream shop. It had the same color scheme and everything. They had buckets. Custard. In the name. So I go.

So I go. I go. Oh, what's in there? All sorbets in the buckets so i say to the woman working there this girl i go oh so you only have sorbet and she's like what do you mean i was like you don't have any ice cream she's like we have ice cream and i was like cool uh you have ice cream she was like yes we have custard and i go so you don't have any ice cream? She was like, yes, we have custard. And I go, so you don't have any ice cream? She goes, no, we do. And I said, so where is it? And she turned and she pointed to all these machines behind her. And I go, oh, it's soft serve. And she goes, no. And then I left. And I had a giggle about that at the comedy store in the main room.

I was crying laughing. I think I was there. I think I was there. And I couldn't stop laughing. And the audience just loved it. And I was like, this is the greatest story. This is the greatest thing I've ever come up with. Right after that night, it's never worked. It's never worked. Yeah. It's never worked as well as it did. It works, but I can't get it to make me laugh or to kill like it did.

Do you guys have bits like that? And if so, how long before you give up on the rah-rah? Well, I will say, I think there's something nice about that. Here's Ian's penis. The rest of the room is any type of genitalia. Anything that anybody might have. You'll find it. Oh, everybody.

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because it's the moment and it's a gift you're giving to them that can never be replicated. And sometimes I try to replicate it and I feel like it's disingenuine. I would want to kill myself too if I had to talk about this. Dude, last night we're walking.

I'm so, I'm crying from the breakup i'm so upset and ian goes ian goes listen buddy sometimes in life in relationships and i go shut the fuck up she goes i don't want to hear it right now he goes fair fair it was like a moment where you immediately knew. You were like, how dare. I was trying to be Mr. Let's learn a lesson. Yeah, and it was like, you want to do something. Yeah. Well, it's fine to be like, listen, here's the deal with this circumstance.

But to be like, me, man with cane, is going to tell you how life is. I like sitting and talking and being like, yeah, ba-ba-ba. Okay, man who likes sitting and talking and going, be-be, ba-ba-ba, is going to tell me, listen, in life... I don't want to interrupt, but I think he actually said ba-ba-bee-bee. And then you kind of came in hot with the be-be-ba-ba.

Ba-ba-bee-bee. You're saying be-be-ba-ba. Don't even bring that up. And now, she's open to the communication. Please tell me. Yeah. Life is sometimes.

Well, sometimes life's kick you in the dick. And you got to say, all right, fine. You got one in on me and I'll get one in on you later. But I'm going to keep going and I'll find your life. And I'll fucking kick you in the fucking ball sack. And sometimes you cross your legs on your own balls. You do. And nothing happens.

It hurts. It hurts. Then you're ready. Yeah. But you move on. How do you know that? She's crossed her legs on some other guy's balls. That's what you should do to that guy.

My favorite thing in the world is one, when men hurt their, when they cross their legs and hurt their own balls. And two, when they sit down too fast and hit their balls i find nothing funnier than a man hurting his own well then why weren't you giggling it up when it happened to me twice just now when did you hurt your own balls he was in on it he was listening actively This is the issue. You don't listen actively and you don't listen actively. And so neither of you are talking to anybody. I'm talking to you.

I'm talking to you. Can't you hear anything I say? Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus. What the fuck? God, that scared. Now Jordan's having a good time. Scared the shit out of me. Now Jordan's having a good time. That scared the shit out of me.

Now we're having fun with Jordan. And who's being Ian? Who's being Ian? That's what they should say to you when you're being Ian. That's what they should say to you when you're being Ian. Who's being Ian? Who's being Ian? Who's being Ian?

You are. Like a baby. Scratch my head. More like a baby than a dog. I love when people get hurt like a baby I love when people Get hurt on purpose I love when people Hurt themselves

I really enjoy it Oh here we go again You would love Kate That's her favorite thing She has a cartoon brain So when people fall Or they get hurt Or they run in

She loves running Running into something And I don't think It's that funny For some reason Dude Somebody trips I like silent comedy a lot

But yeah If somebody trips I'm gonna be like Are okay? Are you okay? Dude, my best friend. Definitely, but if it's your buddy, like one time we were walking in and he went he slid. He's like being annoying as fuck. He's like, No, I'm not. We were all laughing and having

fun and be mean to me because it's making you feel better. Go for it. But he's being like, he's like loud. Being who? Ian. And then he slips on this metal in the rain. He slips on this and, and then shoots up into the air. Somehow then comes down,

lands on a cactus. We were in Austin. Lands on a cactus, flies back up and goes down like this. Homeless man right here. See, he's homeless man. Who's like, has toeless man right here sees homeless man who's like, has to jump away from homeless man.

And it was like, I was like crawling, laughing, like crawling through my own tears. It was, he shot up. I watched the homeless man be like, whoa, whoa. And watched him be like, no. It was. I think I have it on video. Cause I was trying to get a video of all of us

And I wasn't watching where I was going So I tripped and it just Triggered this whole chain of events And then I had to pull cactus out of my ass You really did get it? Oh that's so funny I did slip on wood At our place, it was raining

I slipped on wood and I just I did the actual So I went all the way near Kate thought that was hilarious it was raining. I slipped on wood and I did the actual boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. So I went all the way in the air. Kate thought that was hilarious. One time I saw Kate, that was funny. She slipped on the wood and fell into another room, but only half of her.

And the only part that stayed out was like her upper torso. So she was like, ah! And then it landed and I could only see half of her and she was like, ah! That was pretty funny. And then it landed and I could only see half of her. And she was like, ah! That was pretty funny. And then, yeah. And I like, one of the funniest physical bits I ever did was I did a video talking about these boots that I got.

They're free. This was in winter in Denver. And I was like, this company gave me the boots. I love the grip. I love the comfort. And I love that. And then I just fucking on purpose just flew off into a snow bank. And so it was like,

I just wanted to know. And one of my favorite jokes that I, I I've done this, but it's, I love and people do it. People do it. So you, you've probably seen someone do it,

but it's when somebody, when somebody is falling or good and they go, no, no, no, no, no, no.

To me, that's the funniest. Cause it's like you saying and they go, no, no, no, no, no, no. To me, that's the funniest. Cause it's like, you're saying something that doesn't matter. No, no, no, no, no, no. Like no one's listening. It's just you against the world being like, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I put that in so many things. So one time I was driving in a car and the guy driving, we were, and we hit ice and we were just going right towards a tree and he was just going, not the tree, not the tree, not the tree. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And I was laughing in the car, maybe almost dying, him just going, not the tree, not the tree, not the tree, not the tree. Not that, not that, not this. Dude, there's a video. From free will to eating shit. This is being in. When you, when you went. And also, Jordan.

When you went, when you went. There's a video and this is bad, but there's a video from 9-11. This girl in a building and the mom's taping it. She's like, oh, mom. Sure. It's just orange juice. We're not putting vodka in the orange juice. And the mom's like, oh, did you put vodka in the orange juice?

She goes, no, mom, it's just no. You look over and the towers collapse. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. No, mom, there's no vodka. That's like the woman stomping berries, the wine woman. And then she falls out and she's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That sound is

cause you know the pain she's feeling she's feeling like shin pain like something hit her shin hard so me and Shane were showing this video to people at the cellar and Val legitimately got upset with me for showing her

there's a boy there's a video of a boy. So a dad is shitting on the toilet. You see his legs. CCR's fortunate son is playing. Now, now, now, now, now. And a kid shows up with a gun, a rifle, an air rifle. And he puts some sort of rabbit or some sort of groundhog or something on the floor,

and he goes, boom, shoots at it, and the dad goes, Riley, no! And the golfer hits the dad in the chest, and the boy goes, and slinks away in the bathroom, and it's the most insane thing I've ever seen. Did somebody die? No, no, no. The rabbit just kind of got the

move. I also love the idea that that guy was like, no, because he knows if he shoots at that rabbit, it's going to jump, hit me in the chest. And it hits him and you see his, what? And that's when the shitting ends. And you see his legs go,

what, the rabbit? I need to see it. I don't know. Is there nicotine in that? Oh, no, no, no. This is a vape. No, but it's also a flashlight, apparently. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a new vape. Here, do you want a vape? What is it? Just put it to your mouth and suck it. No, it's a taser. He's trying to end your life. Oh, damn it.

It's not charged. That would have been great. Sort of. But you know what's weird? So are both of you in part friends because you smoke nicotine? No. The first time we ever really bonded, we chain ripped cigarettes on the way to a gig in Philly listening to the Misfits. That's really cool.

You smoke a lot of cigarettes. Yeah. How many packs a day do you think? Two. One and a half to two. One and a half to two. And do you smoke cigarettes at all? With the breakup lately, I have been, but I just vape.

Vape. I had a guy today, I was at a Bitcoin bar. Weird. Which is very interesting. Wait, what? Yeah, so there's this guy. So my, the dive bar that I used to go to, which is probably healthier that I don't go there anymore. Cause they get drunk and like the bartenders are drunk,

but they would always give you shots. And so you take a lot of shots there, but you, I would get blackout drunk sometimes for the most part, it was just like a chill thing. And then I found out because of Ryan Reese, I invited them late night. I used to be able to show up there at fucking four in the morning and they

keep the bar open. Oh yeah. It was super fun. And so I invited, uh, David Suarez, Ryan Reese, a couple of like their friends and stuff. And we were all drinking and it was really, really fun. And I came over to Ryan and I'm like, how you doing, man? You know, we're kind of, and he's like, well, I'm not drunk. And I was like, really? Why not? He's like, I don't know. I've had seven vodka sodas. And I was like, well, and it was like the matrix.

It was so insane because then all of these memories from the past came together. It was like usual suspects. I was like, wait a second. And I saw them give it. You want another shot? It's like, I think I've already had two before. They're like, have another shot. I realized like all the regulars there only drank beer.

They didn't drink any of the liquor. I realized that if I ordered something, they'd sometimes be like, we don't have that, but they would. And I was like, I guess, and it just boom, boom, boom. And I was like, do you think they watered down their liquor? And Reese goes, it is New York. And that was the end,

that was the last time I ever went to that bar. Wow. That was the last time I ever went to that bar. That was the last time I ever saw Ryan Reese. He died. He's the Kaiser Soze of like revealing bad business practices. And so I took the Greek and the Portuguese there once to sort of show them this is like the dive bar that I used to go to, but that's the last time I've been there and ever. And knew i'm on texting terms with like all the bartenders the owner of the place all this stuff but once you find out that did you say something to them did you go yo are you

watering down the fucking drinks no why because only two things can happen one they lie and say no which is worse or two they say they say, yeah, we do. And I'm like, so why didn't you ever tell me? You just were serving me watered down liquor. Yeah. So it's a lose-lose. No, it's a win-win. It's a zero-sum game.

No, because then you go, hey, fuck you. I'm never coming back. Why would you do that to me? You're not a friend. You know, it was like at that Stanford Kansas City Club, all those guys have been to federal prison. They're all criminals in the club. All of them.

It's like old school for reals. Comedy club was really fun. And then at one point they invited me to dinner and they were like, you know, things have been really hard at the club lately. And I was like, well, what if you do this? And can't you maybe get, that's really tough. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh my God, I'm a mark now. They always said I was a good guy, but they're trying not to pay me. And I called Nikki Glaser and I was like, what am I going to do here?

And she's like, well, how do you feel about the money? And I was like, I think if I tell them, cause they were, I think they were going to go, we can pay in installments. We can give you a little money here, but then, and then I would never, or they were just gonna be like, we can't pay it just out of the goodness of your heart. Can you? And I said, so I don't think she goes, look, Craig Glazer. Cause these guys were the first people to really headline me. She goes, I've cut off my thing, my relationship with Craig Glazer a long time ago. He's the main brother.

She goes, but I have a woman. So it's different. I go, yeah, I know. I can't believe you even put up with as long as you did. And she goes, but if it's important to you to get the money, then just say, you got to give me the money. I'm never coming back here. You can stick one of your agents on this. I mean, you've got people that can just go after this, go after this, go after this. She goes, but if you don't need the money right now, and this is a while ago, you don't need the money right now and this is a waga you don't need

the money right now then i think and i was like i am i'm thinking of walking from this without sort of doing all of that stuff and she's like well that's up to you i would think about it for a full day because you once you make that decision you can't go back and i did the last show that weekend and it was one of the best i've had like you know how in your mind you forget about certain sets and then it comes back just like right now and you like boom or just transported to that time on stage and you're it's like it's better than any drug it's better than i was gonna ask you guys Because you don't drink right And so do you guys smoke weed No And so is the comedy truly truly the drug

Of choice for you guys And is it something We all know you like Prozac I'm using it And she's gone And she never spoke again And so I also took some Klonpon last night

but that was a necessity there you go so the stand up though is it drug enough for you guys no I need love I need cigarettes I need danger I need this I need that

he needs codependency so are you an adrenaline junkie kind of? Do you ever do? I like riding my bike in the city without a helmet in compromising situations. I shaved my handlebars down so I could go through traffic easier. Well, that is crazy. But I just bought a helmet, a collapsible helmet. Collapsible helmet? What are you talking about? They don't, it's still,

I need a helmet that fits in this is what I need, but they just don't make one. And then I tried it and I go, I'm going to wear it. I'm going to be the safe guy and wear it. And I became one of those fucking 1970s motorcyclists who's like, I need the wind through my hair. This isn't being alive, this is being

contained. Meanwhile, I put on wind through my hair. Yeah. This isn't being a lie. This is being contained. Yeah. Meanwhile, I put on a seatbelt when I'm driving. I don't like seatbelts. And I hate when the car beeps and boops and stuff when you don't wear the seatbelt. If I want to not wear it. You have to buy the buckle and then cut it off and put it in like that. You can get them on Amazon. You just get them and you stick it in.

Buckle your seatbelt. You'll be happy about it. I do now. The reason why you don't like helmets is because you don't like the way your hair looks when you take the helmet off. That's true. That's very true. Fuck how I look. You have good hair.

Look at this. I love your hair. Then why not? I love your hair and the mustache. It's a perfect compliment. Although I saw a picture of you without a mustache and you looked great. No, no, no. It was bad. Jordan doesn't like it. She texted me about that before the show.

Ethan is keying in and out of this. He's paying attention. He's not. He's paying attention. Ooh. Ooh. You don't look great. And who's this kid? It's a fun one.

That's me and my grandfather at my high school graduation. So are you ever transported back to a set? I'm transported back to that time right now when my family was alive. Oh my God, this is one of the greatest drugs. It's one of the greatest moments. I'm doing a face that you look like.

You're doing the face? That's what he looks like. Really? He was sunny. Let? Oh, yeah. It was Sonny. Let me see. Sonny. God, no wonder he became a comedian.

This kind of looks like me at that point when I was like, I gotta do something. I kind of look like you in She's Out of My League. A little bit. Longer hair, but not a lot longer. This really is a look. You kind of had an afro in there. I don't think it was very long hair. I fell in love with you in that movie.

Thanks, man. I fell in love with you during this podcast. That's how you know I'm a real friend. I didn't fall in love with the man on stage. Whoa! I fell in love with the man on a couch. Whoa. Jordan, on the other hand, it keeps happening over and over. I saw her on stage.

I saw her off stage. We really sailed the deal at Skank Fest. Holy Moses. Boy, oh boy. She rebused me and I. Boy, oh boy. When I was on Mushrooms, I clung to his back at that. Oh, we were at the strip club together that was fun and i would just hold on and i was so i loved you being the ring master of that i thought you

were so funny i like that he would be the ring master not the ring leader it says all these rings i'm the master not the leader yeah you are a ring master, Jordan, again. Thank you so much. And the gatekeeper. Oh, that was such a dramatic night. And I was on mushrooms. Gatekeeper. And the ringmaster. I am the gatekeeper. That was a good night.

All right. It was a great night. And so I did that set. It was transcendent, I really believe. And I got off stage. And Craig Glazer, this guy, he goes want to pay, he goes, DJ, they all dog like this. DJ, DJ, meet me in the office. I was like, okay.

And he was like, we'll talk about the thing in the office. And I was like, I'll be right there, Craig. And he leaves and I just walked out and I never talked to him again or saw him again ever. Wow. Because I looked at him, this happened with my bodyguard also. I looked at him in that moment and I had this realization. I was like, it's never

going to get better. It's just never going to get better. It will only be downhill from this moment unless I sort of say goodbye. And I did it with my... I... He was paying attention Dude between this and the heroin guy on the train last night

That fucked me up I was like I am this guy Or he just was Nodding out dropping his phone Same thing over and over It's never going to get better you got to walk away Yeah you do have to The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over

And expecting different results. Which is why I'm trying to stop. You are a well-read man. You are a learned man. And that's why I'm trying to stop jerking off because I expect to feel good afterwards and I always just hate myself. Really? Yeah. Oh, did you grow up religious?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. But I always think that I'm like, well, I am insane. I meant with the. But I always think that, I'm like, well, I am insane. I meant with the horn. Oh, sorry. I always think. That's one of the funniest things I've ever said on a podcast.

I have to say that. I meant that about the horn. Yeah. Just that she, I said, go ahead, and she was like, thank you, finally, somebody who will let me talk.

And I'm like, you know, the horn. Talking about the horn. Go ahead with the horn. No, I meant go ahead and shut the fuck up. No, go ahead and play you know, the horn. Talking about the horn. Go ahead with the horn. No, I meant go ahead and shut the fuck up. No, go ahead and play. No, go ahead.

Let your heart out. There it is. Thank you. I always am like, well, it's okay. I'm a good comedian because I'm insane so I have to keep myself

in these insane paradigms. Yeah. No, but you're a good comedian because you are who you are. Yeah, you're a good comedian for a bunch of reasons but it's not just the insane You don't want to put yourself in weird situations So you can get material

You put yourself in stupid situations Yes I think you know it's true Back and back a lot of people Looking down on you Ba ba ba b b b b Not b b b ba ba Right That was Everclear

I love Everclear. I love Everclear. I thought it was pretty opaque. So. Uh-oh. Now he's on a roll. Woo. But I do think he's right.

You can't keep going back into this. All right, liquid death story. Well, how much longer do we have? You try to be everything to everyone. I listened to that album on the way to the Amish country with my family. I saw them live. What's Santa Monica?

I used to spend Thanksgiving with an Amish family. Are you Amish? No, but my grandparents were friends as an Amish family. I'm a gangie. What is your religious background? And I agree with that. I grew up...

No, no, no, no Where's a knife? I grew up Catholic But my grandparents were friends with an Amish family And I used to go up there And wear plain clothes And shovel manure and bale hay And help them on the farm

And we would kill turkeys with a shotgun for thanksgiving you know that but then how do your parents feel about you like when you finish jacking off sorry jerking off when you finish that how do my parents feel what do you think i'm telling them about it you you like you how do you feel you feel like i shouldn't have done that that's disgusting is it because no it's it's gotten to the point where it's it's a job and i go i guess i gotta do this now and then i do it and i'm like what was the fucking point i see you know it's like are you using your imagination or pornography pornography but when i was using my imagination it was a lot better yeah i tried to go the opposite direction recently because i think it can affect your sex life and it didn't forever yeah but then when we got to a place where like because when

i think this is true but when women get older they're kind of not down with the pornographic sex as much anymore they want it to be more like romantic candlelit stuff. I think that is, that does depend. Cause I know a lot of disgusting women who are like, I just want to be, you know what I mean? And you're deeply unsatisfied with what you're doing professionally. You know what I mean? That might be it.

You know what I mean? You're like, I just want to be, I want somebody to hold me down and say, you are doing great. And you're a, and you're a famous person and everybody loves you, you know,

like porn. You know what I mean? Yeah. What are you. You dumb fucking bitch. You know what I mean? Yeah. What are you talking about? They do. He knows what I mean. I do. What?

Who's? Just like, you know when you meet a woman who's like, she's like works in marketing. She's very boring. And she's like, I want you to choke me out and tell me that you want me to die. And that you've been chasing me your whole life and now I found you. And it's like, you just want some accolades in your life and you chose the wrong profession. It's called, um, it's called a just want some accolades in your life and you chose the wrong profession. Yeah it's called it's called a

not good girl fetish it's called like a like an attaboy or like a pat on the head type thing like a. Kudos? Not a kudos fetish. No like an affirmation fetish. Yeah.

Can we just enjoy let's call that a kudos fetish. Yeah. Can we just enjoy, let's call that a kudos fetish. Yeah. That makes me laugh so much. Everybody wants a kudos fetish. Okay, so as Kate's gotten older, she's like, can you put the butt plug out of my butt? Well, you know, it's just like, I think there's, it becomes, so then I realized that if you watch too much pornography,

then you're a, you're viewing yourself while you're having sex. You're like objectifying the girl kind of, and that's just part of the whole thing. So then I was like, all right, let's just, uh, use the imagination.

Well, I've been using the pornography to get to the imagination. Wait, were you using imagination with her? I mean, sorry, the porn. What? Like, were you both looking with her? I mean, sorry, porn. What?

Like, were you both looking at porn together? Oh, no. So you were like, I'll watch porn and then that will bring it into my sex life. And now you're like, actually, I think imagination is better because now I'm I'm transposing a different person. Because you're when you're watching porn, you're it's also a thing where it's like how long you watch porn. Like just reason. Cause my whole thing was, and I just, I, I thought pornography like video pornography was the,

I also got some Salt Lake city. I got some magazines. So I tried to get into that. That was really interesting. That's awesome. That's a really interesting retro feel to it all. It really is how you do. It takes a lot of brain power.

I just look at an image or like, I'll take an image from something. I was watching like Ben Shapiro last night and he's so disgusting. And then I was imagining, I had him, I reduced it the way that he was talking by 0.75 and it was like still so rapid. And I was imagining him just like pleading

and begging for sex and me being like you're disgusting but okay and I just just because I was listening and that's you mass you masturbate yeah totally I can just take in things and make them into a scenario but porn I think is really really bad just really bad that just that is one of the most confusing I'll even say cryptic sexual examples I've ever heard in my entire life. Dude, give me anything and I'll make it into a porn thing. Dentist, I got a dentist one that goes in there puts you under, does crazy things to you. Okay, that's a different type of thing.

Oh yes, a massively abusive murderer. You're using your imagination with the media. Right, but I'm alone and I'll die alone and always be alone. So when I'm jerking off, I'm not fucking... What? Yeah. But I'm not bringing that into sex. When I'm having sex with somebody, I'm very much with them. I'm not bringing that into sex. When I'm having sex with somebody, I'm like very much with them.

I'm not imagine I'm not like transposing anything. Yeah, no, I don't. I've never had sex with anybody and like thought about the actual pornography. And actually back to occupational hazard. What I would do is I watch porn and then kind of put the person I'm with in it. So it's like, it's in it and it's gotta be, you can't see the guy's face.

Really? That doesn't do anything. I like it. Does a lot. Hey, that's being Ian. And, uh,

and I thought it was an occupational hazard. You're away from somebody so much and you're on the road. That's pornography as part of the thing. But then just recently I've been kind of been being like, what was this use of time? Why do you have to watch pornography? Why can't you just jerk off? Because you have to activate your penis to get hard to jerk off.

Why don't you just jerk off when you get hard? I'm not a young kid anymore. I'm not just getting hard throughout the day. What are you talking about, lady? Shut up. Do you get horny without getting hard? I can get horny without getting hard, but I can't get hard without getting horny. And the porn helps me get horny.

Can you, if you're horny, if you're like, horny, I'm going to watch porn. Or are you like, I'm bored, so I'll watch porn to get horny. if you're like horny, I'm going to watch porn. Are you like, I'm bored. So I'll watch porn to get horny. Yeah. And we can do a thing that women can't do, which is we can have an orgasm in like four minutes. Yeah. Or less. I can do that if I have Shapiro or something fucked up in there.

Some nasty. Jesus. Some nasty. It's like the just the gross guys. Yeah. Why? Because their head is full of spiders. Jesus. Some nasty boy. So you just like the, just the gross guys. Yeah. Why? Because their head is full of spiders. Yes.

Yeah. That is it. Yeah. Oh my God. Who knew? Yeah. But I, okay. So now I understand more of what you're saying, but it's not religious.

You aren't like God's looking down on me. Not anymore. When I was younger, I had to fight through that for so long. I used to masturbate and pray to my dead relatives asking for forgiveness while I was masturbating. Because I thought that they were, because everyone told me. Watching down on you and catharsis and that whole thing. Yeah, and like judging me and hating me. Little do you know, dead people's porn, us masturbating, full circle.

I mean. Now that's with Jordan. Being Jordan with Jordan. Being Jordan with Ian. Yeah. now that's with jordan being jordan with jordan being jordan with with ian yeah that's how you should switch this for like a special episode or something for a week and have it be in jordan with ian yeah i think that'd be great that would mean just be sitting with a guest being like so what do you feel about the philosopher descartes versus Nietzsche? And Ian going like this. That would be the whole episode.

Well, if we want to skip back to that, Sam Harris says, oh, there's no free will. Yes. And from my perspective, it's like, what's the point of talking about that? Which is, it's like you do have free will and you don't, you're never going to know if you don't. The only thing it does is make you feel more impotent. And there's plenty of that in human beings lives anyway. It also makes you feel less regretful. If what?

Because it all... I see what you're saying. Last night when I was having the panic attack, I was like, there's no way that I could have changed the trajectory to get it that right now I wasn't feeling this bad. And I disagree with that. And that calmed me down. And I disagree with that because I know we're joking,

but now it's happening and it's making me mad. Okay. Well, we already had a whole episode about how you don't agree with free will. So it doesn't go into it. No, I agree. There is free will. You say there's not. Okay.

What if that was the only, it was just a miscommunication. And so both of you are like, oh, you do? And you're, okay. Yeah, anyway. No, I agree with that, that sometimes you, I look back and there's certain things that I would start to be like, I regret this. It was the worst decision I ever made.

I should have not talked to that person. I shouldn't have been nice to that person. This person was a wounded bird and I tried to lift her up. But that kind of regret is sort of useless. And so in those cases, I say, well, that's what ended up happening almost with my free will was I made this decision. I was going to make that decision anyway, but I am an ethical relativist because I'm a Nietzschean.

And so that ethical relativism, when I first started studying ethics in the first book that I ever looked at, in the opening chapter, opening probably paragraph, they're like, now there are absolutists and there are relativists. And there's no reason to even talk about relativism because if everything just depends and is subjective, then there's no reason for us to have this book basically. So like all ethics are absolute. So there's an absolute good and absolute bad i disagree with that i think that all over the you just look at different time periods we can be like well murder was wrong and then you go back 400 years and it was like the best thing you could do is kill someone yeah but that's why the free will thing is real because it's being

like okay if i was so say this guy who stabbed somebody and i'm like that's bad but if you lived every day in his life if you had the same like trauma and the same all this stuff and he stabbed somebody then there's no such thing as good or bad kate and i have had this argument about certain like there was a brother my ex-wife had a brother and he like wouldn't talk to me such an asshole such a fucking piece of shit and but and i Such an asshole, such a fucking piece of shit. And, but, and I'm telling you, he's a fucking piece of shit.

He snapped at me once. Oh, dude. I was, I, he asked me because I'm a celebrity to be a groomsman in his wedding. I didn't know him from Adam at all. And I was like trying to talk to a buddy of his to figure it out.

And he was like, Hey TJ. And I was like, I'm going to fucking kill his to figure it out. And he was like, Hey TJ. And I was like, I'm going to fucking kill this guy. And if his ex wife wasn't, or if my ex wife wasn't his brother, I would have probably decked him, dude.

I mean, and I don't, I won't really ever fight people. I don't, I think physical violence is weird. Cause I didn't have to deck him. You could have gripped him up. I could have crushed him verbally,

which is what I do for a living. Could have verbally eviscerated him, as people like to say about me. Annihilate. Yep. Do you eviscerate? I can make, I've made women and men cry.

As they're leaving the show. I really want you to tell the story about the kid with the, the kids that you beat up outside the car. Oh yeah, that's a good story. It's a really good story. So he snapped me,

I couldn't believe it. But, I would always come to his defense and say, look at, because she would always go like this, she would go, this is my ex-wife.

She would go, You have an ex-wife? She would go, it's not possibly the way that I talk about my current relationship without having it, you know, come back around.

Okay. So, I sort of, I sort of, in this case, I sort of, I sort of, in this case, I was like, I was like, oh,

look, if you had all of the, just basically what you said, if you was in his position, when your parents got divorced, if you had all those traumas, right? Kids would beat you up when you're right.

All that stuff. Cause she would go, well, if I was him i would never do that i can't believe you would do that i would never do that and i'm like i know you would never do that but if you were him that's exactly what you do and she's like no i wouldn't treat people like that i'm like but if you were him you would she's like no i would so that's that circular argument so you are no free will with you i agree no free will guy. But I agree with you. So you are no free will guy. It's both.

I do believe that there is both because the subconscious in your past does influence your current and then once you become aware of that, you can then use free will to decide what to do. How about this? You can only, I mean this is stoicism.

I mocked you once today. It's very nice of you. Everything I say, mock. I know, but I'm not mocking. I'm just mirroring. Do you know about stoic philosophy? Yeah, yeah. What do you know about it?

Tell me what stoic philosophy is. Stoic philosophy is a group of philosophers that was like, you know, like Epicurus is one of them where it's basically like, it's like, who's the famous one? Uralis. Marcus Uralis. That's his handbook.

The Embers Handbook is like my Bible. So far, you're just naming people. What is Stoic philosophy? Stoic philosophy is a group of philosophers that have practices on how to live a life devoid of suffering. It is usually built around ways of living their life in a peaceful manner to avoid conflict and how to do such things. They all have different theories. Epicurus basically thinks that you

should tend to garden and have friends over. You really need cheese. Yeah. See, she does the whole thing. And I like that. Yeah. Cheese is great. And friends over cheese, food, cheese. Was that a good description? was great okay and marcus so but what what she's talking about which is right is that they were like all right how do i live the best life part of that is not getting upset about what other people do what they do to me um things that are of nature that this is the way life was going to work out one way or another if there's a flood if someone kills your mother all those things like radical acceptance totally which is something that my um we call him a mindfulness uh therapist but he's a substance abuse counselor so uh so what i think is really

funny is that's a huge part of getting sober is acceptance. Is the answer to all my problems today. But we're you. So what you're talking about, what they would talk about is sort of both. So it's like you don't have free will to a certain extent because all these things happen to you and you can't do anything about them. Right. So even if you don't want,

you can use all of your free will. But if Esty decides you're not going to work for six months, then you're not going to work for six months. You do have free will to decide that doesn't affect me. And that's what I've been trying to say. You, you don't have the things happen. Listen, I understand what you're saying. I do understand that. And what you have to get is, and I, and that is how we live. We live being like, I accept that all of these things came together. That's intellectualizing reality, right? All of these things came together. It's out of my control. I can only do what I can, but the actual, the actual, actual reality is that

you were brought to the moment of accepting that without your consent. Like you would have. I disagree. Okay. I don't think so. Cause here's why. And you saying, I don't think so. People will kill us.

Here's why. It's bad. I mean, there's a, God has a plan for me, all that stuff. And it's a mystery. It's a mystery.

Why my kid got hit by a car. Yeah. But God works in mysterious ways. Here's how he works. So not at all. I fucking heard my whole life. Not at car. Yeah. But God works in mysterious ways. Here's how he works. I fucking heard my whole life. Not at all. Yeah, there's no determinism. We don't understand.

So, but then, that's a weird one. Okay, listen to me. I love you. Okay, listen, listen. Uh-oh. Looks like we found a logical fallacy, folks, and that's it for me and Jordan with Ian Finance. Give me fallacy, E.J. Miller.

Give me. I've never been paid in a proton bag, but that's what I'm going to take instead of an Uber reimbursement. You deserve it. Speaking of Uber, what is his name? Travis? There is no fallacy. All I am saying is that when you get to the point where you understand free will, you did not get yourself to that point. It's an amalgamation.

You said there's no determinism, but you're saying everything is determined by what? By you? By the circumstances around you? That's the same as God. No, determinism. God is deciding how every single thing is going to go. I'm telling you, determinism is basically saying I know how your life will end up and it'll go in one winding road, right? It'll end up one thing.

That means there's no free will. up and it'll go in one winding road, right? It'll end up one thing. That means there's no free will. I'm saying that you do not know where it will go but it is determined by your subconscious. Not God. But your subconscious was built how? By experience and circumstances.

Which all happen the way they happen. And so you have no choice in those experiences and they lead to having no choice. So you are deterministic. Deterministic means that there's a determined choice in those experiences and they lead to having no choice three days. So you are deterministic. No, deterministic means that there's a determined outlook that I know that by the end, you don't have any free will.

It's headed to one point. No, but we, you don't know the point. The point is not known. Determinism is God is mapped this out. You will end up at the end of the episode, throwing the turtle at the wall,

whatever. And then, but free will is you do not know what will happen because all of these circumstances are coming and going. Everybody else is in. This is semantics. And then, but free will is you do not know what will happen because all of these circumstances are coming and going. Everybody else is in. This is semantics. Now she's hiding in the words. Thank you. And you know what? I don't blame you because

this is what was determined. Yes. And this is exactly what it's like being Ian. Being Ian dealing with fucking Jordan. That's the new name of the show. I mean, you both are simply wrong. And that's okay. And now the liquid death story.

Yes. So I, early on, had a very strange friend who said to me, this liquid death thing, and I knew what it was. He goes, if you want to invest in it, early, early on, I can hook you up with the guy who invented it. And I was like, oh, cool. And so. You love hanging with people that invent things.

I did assume. It's true. I'm friends with the Winklevoss. Liquid debt. And we're good friends with the Winklevoss. No, you're not. Yeah. Are you?

Yeah. That's why I ended up in a crypto bar recently. It's actually never a time. The Winklevoss has created Facebook. Yeah. It's got stolen. The twins? Yeah, but now they got in on Bitcoin when it was like 200 bucks.

They're Bitcoin billionaires. Are you? What? Are you a Bitcoin? I don't talk about net worth in basements. Okay. Ethan, you were supposed to be on your phone for that one. So I was like, okay. So i met with this guy and he was

cool he was like super like uh lbc he was very you would like him he was sublime oh you know did i make a mistake oh yeah i don't listen to music hanging out in the lbc so i wonder if he practiced santeria I don't know what that means So I met with him And he was like I'd like to be a brand ambassador He was like well I can't pay you but I can sort of double your shares

So we recently did a thing Where if you put in This guy put in $75,000 we gave him $150,000 Worth of shares I was like hmm okay I don't know that i have that money available right now but that's the deal okay and then um yeah it's there so then i went to ca my agency and i talked to my like endorsement deal guy and he's a big i said look there's this this water it's liquid death i believe in it because the aluminum,

I think it could be the future. It's got a stupid name. It's got the dumbest name of all time, but I kind of murder your thirst. But I was like, I don't know. I kind of believe in it. He goes,

I wouldn't do it. The water space is very crowded right now. And he goes, and there's box water. That's stupid. The water space is crowded. It's like water space. And you know what?

If you do that, you're basically paying yourself to be a brand ambassador. So if you're going to pay yourself to do something... And what year was this? I mean, this was when... Where was I? I feel like I was in Los Angeles. This was a while ago. It was like four or five years

ago, right? Cut to Live Nation making an overall deal with Liquid Death. It absolutely exploding to the point where it found itself into a Brooklyn basement. The Delaware Den, if you will. Your daughter's tied up in a Brooklyn basement. Do you want to hear my story about Liquid Death? The Delaware Den.

I probably could be a water multi-multi-millionaire. The only good thing about it is that same agent knew Henry Ford's grandson and I was able to get my father a supercar the Ford 2017 Ford GT love it that's a big car the only thing that my father couldn't do for himself

would be getting that car but I got it for him and it's like what's more important money or this thing with your father the father thing I think is really really important Like what's more important money or this thing with your father? Yes. More important than a Ford GT. The father thing I think is really, really important. The father thing.

And I think sometimes people in my life would disagree because if I had liquid death money, then it would have been, yeah, I'd probably would make it such that I didn't have to work as much, but if I didn't have to work as much, then I wouldn't be as good of a comic. Yeah. So I

guess this all ended up being determined. Free willed to choose what you chose. I choose determinism. And can I say it goes against the wall. I thought that might have been a good way to end the. Yeah that's a good way to end.

Yeah that's a good way to end. Not saying we should end it now but I was saying I kind of. No. I had that joke in the chamber and I was going to wait. You did? You had's a good way to end. Yeah, that's a good way to end. Not saying we should end it now, but I was saying I kind of... I had that joke in the chamber and I was going to wait. You did? You had it? Okay, good. Wait, yeah. We can just cut it out. No, keep it. Keep it and then people see that it's real down here. Yes. We're being real. It's not about the editing.

Oh, okay. Yeah, TJ, plug it up. I thought suddenly you were like... We got to plug it up. Don't get up and leave. Plug my pussy up. TJ, plug up my ureth leave. Pussy up. Jesus. I don't know. TJ, plug up my urethra.

Because of Kate. My podcast is cashing in with TJ Miller. TJ Miller does not have a website.com. Subscribe to my YouTube channel. Please watch my special dear Jonah, which is absolutely beautiful. It's a love letter to this guy, Jonah that heckled me. And I thought, okay, you know, this is a strong, it's the perfect audience. I started talking to him. He was not drunk. He was special needs, developmentally challenged. I found out I just went back to Nashville. So throughout the show,

I talk with him, interact with him. He ends up having the funniest line. He's he and I do the closer together. It's just like so amazing. So like 70% of it is improvised. The rest is pandemic related material. Again, subscribe to YouTube. You can also see the Spokane special, which is about 30 or so minutes of improvised material on Spokane, Washington. So if you've never been there and you don't live there, a lot of the references will be lost on you, but that's why it's so fucking funny. I have my own peanut butter and hot sauce. That'll be higher up in the description. The hot sauce is TJ's choice. Please go and support all this available on Amazon.com,

but support the hot sauce right now because the maker of the hot sauce and my collaborator, Doug Lins, died about two weeks ago. And so all the profits from the hot sauce on Amazon are going right back to pay for his funeral. And I have my own peanut butter. I need this. I love peanut butter. She asked why my spoons have peanut butter on them because I have my own peanut butter. I need this. I love peanut butter. She asked why my spoons have peanut butter on them. Cause I eat it all the time.

So delicious. It's called T P B and J peanut better. Hey, we're having a good time. T P B and J peanut better. You have barely thought about this personal trauma that happened last. Yeah. We're just having a good time. We're having so much fun. Yeah. T P B and J peanut better you have barely thought about this personal trauma that happened last yeah we're just having a good time we're having so much fun yeah uh tbj slides down my face

uh she's a big eye coming out of your head she likes that type of humor yeah there's two references i've heard today my first one of my first interactions with tj if not the first was him walking in and he was dressed in a hallow Halloween outfit and he had a little rubber ducky on his face. And I was intimidated because it was TJ. And I was like, yeah, I like your rubber ducky on your face coming out of your face. And I was like, this is small rubber ducky. And you're like, it's actually like a regular rubber ducky. And I was like, no, that's like a mini, it's a mini ducky. And he, and then at this point I'm expecting him to be like, all right, weirdo. But instead he was like, it's a regular size, actually. And I was like, oh my God, we're going.

It's fun. It's fun. So there's three different peanut butter flavors. Somebody recently called them dessert peanut butter. We have dark chocolate coconut. That's for the ladies. Cherry chocolate with real dried cherries, milk chocolate, and honey roasted peanuts. And then my favorite toffee crispy with toffee, milk chocolate, and honey roasted peanuts. And then my favorite, toffee crispy

with toffee, milk chocolate, and rice crispies. I fucking love toffee. And I have to tell you, over and over again, it's the best peanut butter that you'll ever have. Is there normal? No. Is there regular? Other people make that.

Nice. Yeah, go to the other guy if you want fucking normal. I make gourmet peanut butter. That's what I do. All available on Amazon.com. Some guy at the end of a show or during my pitch, my peanut butter pitch, which I think is funny. Sometimes, I don't know if you guys do this, but sometimes I have like, not even meta jokes, but like the peanut butter and the hot sauce. And sometimes I'll be like, I want to be the Paul Newman of comedy.

I want to get this stuff out there. I want people, I want to get out of comedy and get into food stuff. And so that's just that entire idea is so funny to me. And I'm pitching the peanut butter, which makes me laugh that I would stop a show and be like, let me tell you a little bit about my dessert peanut butter. That's so crazy. This is like when you pulled necklaces out at Skank Fest and you're like, my mother makes these necklaces. Yeah, exactly. And she does. Yeah. And I give them out to people that won the nose flute game show. Yeah. So all that's

out. And then you wake up in the middle of the night and you're like, I had a crazy, oh no, it was TJ said. So I go, I'm finishing the peanut butter pitch and this guy who kind of, I think I had made fun of him before but he's like, all this was to sell peanut butter or maybe he said food. All this was to sell peanut butter Or maybe he said food All this was to sell food

And I stopped and I was incensed Really? I was so upset I don't know why, but it just hit me in the wrong way And I just paused and I go No, all this is so that I can come to fucking Appleton, Wisconsin And have some idiot yell out All this is

And then I went off and I just zeroed in, took him apart with his hair cut the way look how he was going to die alone even if he was with somebody. And sometimes when his wife wakes up in the morning and sees

him, she just goes, I could do better. I could have done better. I settled. What? No, Jonah? I lifted him up. He's like a swan. This guy was some piece of shit wannabe truck driver. Fuck him. Just a loser. You're watching, buddy. Turn it off. But isn't that such a beautiful meta thing that he thought it was about that? You thought it was about this and then it became about that. It's a great thing. Yeah, I mean, it worked out for me. And

I didn't sell him the peanut butter. Ha! Can't do it. And his wife wanted some dark chocolate coconut. So again and again, you disappoint. Yep. Woo! Jordan, what you got? What do you got? Plugs. Great. When will this come out? Two weeks. All my tour dates are on my website.

TJ Miller does not have a website.com. I'm touring in perpetuity, you guys. I like touring. That's great. My next tour, which starts next year, is called the... Actually, can I pitch this? Tell me what you guys think about this. The crowdsourcer tour. Because I'm is called the actually can I pitch this tell me what you guys think about this the crowd sorcerer tour

because I'm crowd sourcing the material it sounds like you're crowd sourcing the name the money no wrong crowd sorcerer tour you gotta wear a wizard costume that's what it is I'm a bit of a sorcerer

with an orb crowd source is that a comedic term to crowd You got to wear a wizard costume. That's what it is. I'm a bit of a sorcerer when it comes to improvising. With an orb. Crowdsource. Is that a comedic term to crowdsource? No, crowdsource means you go. It's a term in the world. No, that means, isn't crowdsource mean that you, oh, you crowdsource to find things out.

Yes, nevermind. Sorry, I'm thinking of crowdfunding. Yeah, yeah. Crowdsorcery. It's not crowdfunding though. What's that called? Crowdfunding is when you raise money up. Like a yeah. Crowdsorcery. It's not crowdfunding, though. What's that called? Crowdfunding is when you raise money up. Like a Kickstarter. Yes, like a Kickstarter.

Crowdsourcing is like doing a poll to make a decision. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. Or you crowdsource the work, so you get multiple other people to do what you should be doing. Crowdsourcer 2024. DJ Miller, the crowdsourcer 2024. All ends in R's. December 3rd, I'm Sorcerer 2024, all ends in ours

December 3rd, I'm filming my first special, Wild Happy and Free at the Cutting Room Yeah, that's the name of it? That's great, at the Cutting Room Yes, December 3rd IanFidance.com, two shows come on out, I love you, you're gonna hear me talk about it a lot

and I appreciate your patience with that Is it self-funded? That's the fucking way, man. That's what I do with Dear Jonah. I have two more specials coming out. Oh my God, you're a fucking special doc machine. I'm liking it, but I filmed three specials in one year, two of them

within three weeks of each other. What? The Philosophy Circus, which is philosophy, show like, and circus which he'll like. Yes! That should be the name of the fucking show. That's your tagline. Be an Ian with Jordan.

Philosophy Circus. We had a podcast that went nowhere before called Futon Philosophy. I love that. She explained philosophy and philosophers to me and another guy. Did you spell futon or philosophy with a PH? Or both? Both. Or both with F? I went futon with a PH. Yeah. That kind of looks like futon or philosophy with a PH? Or both? Or both with F?

I went futon with a PH. Yeah. That kind of looks like futon. I used to call futons tofu's. I love it. I used to call pho, you know, pho. I used to call that soup. Asian soup.

That's what I would say. And bookmark. And then a gentle giant quick. That's what I would say. And, but I'm going to be in Utah, Burlington, Vermont, Rochester, Syracuse, Albany.

Uh, I'm adding more tour dates soon. Come out. Bye. Yeah. And also I'm in Louisville, Kentucky, Pittsburgh, improv,

Ian finance.com for all the dates. We love you. Thank you so much for tuning in. Patreon.com slash B and Ian pot and get some goddamn peanut butter. Unless you're a dick hole. I'm sending, I'm going to, now that I have this,

I'm sending you guys peanut butter and hot sauce. Dude, I love peanut butter. I have a weak stomach for hot sauce, but I will gobble. Do the peanut butter. You're going to lose your mind. I might, I might send you two of peanut butter. You're going to lose your mind. I might

send you two of each. Because you're going to finish one so quickly. You know in the middle of the night, I wake up and I zombie walk to my cabinet. I scoop peanut butter in my mouth and I go to bed. This is amazing. I don't keep, I usually

do not keep peanut butter in my house for the same reason. And I want to tell you this. That's what I do about guns. In my ride. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and put a gun in my mouth. Yeah, I said you put the peanut butter in the mouth. I have peanut butter in my rider.

No way. So everywhere I go, they have to have crunchy, organic peanut butter for me. I get bananas for cash levy, cashing with TJ Miller, the podcast available, wherever podcasts are available. And, um,

and I would use to take the peanut butter home. Cause I'm like, I'm not going to waste the peanut butter. Like you had only to waste food. Yeah. And I had to stop doing it. And I was like, you guys,

you know, finish this. I didn't, I'm not, but I would bring it home and I, I got to ask what kind of peanut butter are you a Skippy or a Jiffy guy as a child? Yes. I did Skippy. Yes, you got to go Skippy. Jiff is for fucking Looney Tunes.

Well, and Jif was more of a creamy peanut butter. And I have a joke that doesn't seem to work ever. But people that eat only smooth peanut butter, have you ever met these people? I don't think they're prepared for the challenges they're going to face in their life. Wow. Why are you eating creamy peanut butter? It's so bizarre.

Creamy peanut butter is good. You eat the chunky because it's like a rocky type thing and you're going to face rocky roads. I had other opinions, but not after that winner. Thank you. See you next week. I don't want to hurt Ethan's mic, so I'll do this.

I'm so glad Jordan is here Yeah! Isn't that the best? We can finally have fun We can finally have fun It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore