Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 068: Terminally Ill Now W/ Jeremiah Watkins

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, December 3rd, The Cutting Room, New York City. I'm filming my first special, 7 and 9.30, two shows. Come on out, ianfidance.com for tickets. I'll see you there! wild ride when you're being in coffee ice no matter what now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride when you life being Ian being Ian with Jordan everybody knows about it everybody knows I where's Ratman? Hello. Oh, we're missing the Ratman, Ethan. He's in my hands.

Oh, Jesus. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to an exciting episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. Tickets are on sale right now for my first comedy special, Dabing Ian Finance.com. Sunday, December 3rd. The Codding Room, New York City. Two shows, 7 and 9, 30 p.m.

What do you think? This is fucked up. Jordan is quite shaken today. I have allergies. Jordan has allergies. And speaking of allergies, we got a real mosquito with us today. Jeremiah Watkins, our little friend. Hello, it's good to be back.

Despite Jordan just getting broken up with. No, Jeremiah, we were supposed to use code words. It's allergy. Oh, sorry. I thought you were talking about my nose. Achoo, achoo, achoo. Yeah, yeah. she's she's broke breaking up over allergies oh yeah have you been watching breaking bad lately do i look like i'm

you look great everything you want the truth to i will not tell you to make you smile you look like mick jagger now the other night jordan and i were talking and she was like really upset i'm hugging her and i go now do you want me to listen or do you want my opinion? And she goes, I want your opinion. I go, now, do you want me to give you the actual reality of the situation or something that will make you smile? She goes, smile. And I go, yeah, everything's fine. I always have to preface that when somebody asks me for what I think of something.

I think that's a good way of communicating. Yeah. To go, do you want me to listen or do you want me to offer my opinion? And do you want me to be brutally honest or do you want me to kind of, or do you want me to crush your soul? Well, I,

you know, you know how connected me and you are. I didn't even know that this was happening, that this was going to go on. And I got you things today just to be like, she'll like it. She'll be happy. Do you want to see it? I chain smoked yesterday.

Yes! That's a good thing about this. You're coming to the cigarettes. Let's just rip one right now. You'll feel better. No, don't rip one. Don't rip one. Okay, anything for the queen

Anyway, Jeremiah Jeremiah's never been through a fucking breakup Because he's been in a relationship for a hundred years And he's happy And I hate you for that Yeah, and you're the only one to ever go through a breakup I'm mad I'm not mad at you

You're mad at me, huh? I'm sorry Then lash out at me, Jordan. Okay. Come on. Let's go. Give it to him. Yeah.

You're upset with me. Tell me why you're upset with me. Give it to him. Well, you'll never know. It's worse than death. I have to tase myself to see if I'm living a real life right now because that is insane. Oh. It is.

At least people who die love you and then they die. People who break up with you are just like, my life would be better without you in it. I vehemently disagree, but I will concede that a breakup can feel like a death. It's not worse than death. But when you were emotionally tied to someone, you are mourning the loss of this person in your life. So that is analogous. How the fuck? But it's not worse. Am I supposed to do shows?

It's interesting that you would say that it's worse to death to him, to someone who's, you don't even realize. He died? Somebody died? Yeah. He just suffered like a massive death in his family oh my god i'm so sorry that's all good but you got broken up with so let's talk about that yeah oh i did know that

somebody died in your family when i saw you at skank fest yeah uh you could tell on my face you said it oh to me uh yeah when we were i did i told you that in conference that means I like you really? my aunt you knew that oh that's right she had adopted him he called her like mom but it was like his aunt did you have a mom?

she adopted well he had a mom but his aunt adopted it was a real jungle book situation so basically your mom died? I was born in a vending machine Well, he had a mom, but his aunt adopted him. It was a real Jungle Book situation. So basically your mom died? I was born in a vending machine. And you just told him that a breakup is worse than death. Well, I think we've come here together at the right time.

Me too. Because I feel better about my circumstance. Yes! Ian, we did it! Yes! See, that's all it took Is that not true See no it's true It's true

Your mom's gonna be mad When I send her this She's gonna be so mad at you Yeah Yeah it could be worse when I send her this. She's going to be so mad at you. Yeah. You know? Yeah, it could be worse. But now I know that Jeremiah hasn't gone through either.

And I'm even more mad at you. Give me the fucking... Get him! Light him up, baby! Come on. All right. Go ahead. If it'll make you feel better, I'm Come on. All right. Yeah. Go ahead. If it'll make you feel better, I'm down.

Really? Yeah, if it'll make you feel better. Okay. It's dead. Wow, things just aren't going. Things just keep dying around here. Why didn't you take the turtle back? Relationships.

Tasers. Friendships. Your aunt that was also your mom. Turtles. Are turtles dead? Yo, I love turtles. Our fucking alligators had gunshots. Things are bad.

All right, now look. Here's the first. Well, I got this for the studio. This is Big Thunder. Native American. No. Okay, good. I also got us a candle.

Divine. This studio will now be blessed by the spirit of the great divine. Oh my God, I love divine. I love divine. I have something for the pod too. What? Ethan, could you get it? It's in the leather backpack upstairs.

You'll see it as soon as you open it. It'll make itself very apparent. Ethan, no, it's a gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no. Ethan, it's a dirty bomb. Yeah. Look, isn't it's a gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Ethan, it's a dirty bomb. Yeah. Look, isn't that great?

Okay. This is the spirit of the divine. Enter this house and bless all who enter. Right? I think the wings can be different depending on who you are. Or how you feel. I do like this guy quite a bit. I knew it.

I know I'm sweating. That's a good friend right there. You want to know what else I got? Are you even going to come to the 530 show? Yeah, I'll come to whatever. I'll stay with you all day. I got your back, dog. Okay.

Now you got to stay with me while I do a couple things. I got some errands to run. I got to beat my dick. Yes. Are you got to stay with me while I do a couple of things. I got some errands to run. I got to beat my dick. Yes. Are you going to, are you going to coach her before stand up on the spot? I dude,

dude, tag me in right now. Can you try tag me in for stand up on the spot? Okay. Let's try. And guess what? We're going to hit you with some stuff that people may yell tonight, but you got to be composed for.

Okay. Okay. Ready? Ask for a suggestion. Ask for a suggestion. Making a promise to love someone and taking it away. I've never been promised any love. Can I get a new suggestion?

Oh, somebody gave me this at a show. She was a server at the club That's amazing That's cool That's so cool That's great Rat royalty Look at that

That reminds me of Do you remember Stuart Little and stuff like that? Yeah I remember Stuart Little I remember Stuart Little Look at that that's great. Now you're ready for another gift. Yes. Or should I tear them for when you bring out the tears? Don't say the word tear. Oh, that's a suggestion. Make a joke. I have a suggestion for tear. I just found out that my podcast co-host made one of the tears Jizzy Jordan. No, I didn't. I thought you did that.

I didn't do that. Did you do that? I swear to God, I didn't make Jizzy Jordan. You know who did? Jordan. Jordy. It's been on there for a long time. I swear to God, because I gave you the password and I go, hey,

why don't you make some of the... I'm a Jizzy Jordan. I said, excuse me? And he said, I'm a Jizzy Jordan. And I said, excuse me? And he said, I'm a jizzy Jordan. And I said, say it again? And he said, I'm a jizzy. And I said, don't say it anymore, sir. I remember Wago was like, hey, go on to the Patreon, make a couple things yours in like your own language.

I thought you did, you didn't. You recently redid the tears not too long ago, so there's no way that you didn't see it. I saw it when Jizzy Jensen happened, and I thought, oh, that's fun. She made Jizzy Jensen's. I legit thought it was you. That's hilarious. We're going to go in there and restructure.

Yep, that's a chocolate chip cookie. You can have it. I already gave you one, but you ate it and you got crumbs on the floor, which usually makes me go ape shit. But I forgive you. I pooped a little blood today. Okay, that wasn't a suggestion, but riff on it.

Is that bad? I have hemorrhoids and when I've been wiping, blood comes out. Yeah. Is that what it is? Dude, been there. Really? How'd you get rid of it? You just power through it, man. You get some preparation.

Kind of likes. rid of it um you just power through it man you get some preparation age likes your relationship is kind of like mine and ian's hemorrhoids yeah they'll come and go over the years but they're always gonna end in blood and you gotta learn how to just push through right brother yeah yeah and you gotta you when for the next one you gotta be ready to do some preparation H preparation H Christ there it is that was a good one I didn't sleep last night

here's the thing I'm moving out to an apartment all by myself. What does that mean? Wait, you guys were living together? No. But I'm moving into an apartment by myself. They barely acknowledge they were together publicly. Go ahead. It's okay. That's a suggestion someone could give you. And are you going to cry on stage?

Or are you going to fucking riff? Fucking riff on it. You're going to do what you were born to do. Riff on it. What's a riff on that one? What did you say? Not running around in secret. What's a riff?

I had to go around in secret when I was fucking my stepbrother. Secret from my mom. Okay. Keep riffing. A to C it. What's A? A is a first thought.

B is a second thought. C is a third thought. So you go with the third thought because the first thought is usually superficial or like repetitive, like you've had sex with your stepbrother. So what would be like a third thought? If someone goes sneaking around.

If somebody said sneaking around, I would say I think it's funny that in other countries they call tennis shoes tennis shoes because they're for tennis or they call them basketball shoes for basketball. But in America, we call them sneakers for sneaking. Isn't that kind of funny? That's great! I like it.

Because they sneak. Isn't that so weird? They sneak, but you can't really sneak because they squeak. Even if they were called squeakers, it'd make more sense, but sneakers is really sinister. I gotta get new squeakers. Can we do it together tonight?

Yeah. Now, that's funny. Was that a pre-written bit It's really sinister I gotta go to the store, I gotta get new squeakers Can we do it together tonight? Now, that's funny Was that a pre-written bit or was that off the dome? I thought of it a long time ago When I was thinking about the name of Sneakers But it's not a bit As long as it's not material, you're good to go No, certainly never has been said on stage Perfect

Could you imagine me saying that? Listen, why do we call tennis shoes? Not only that, but can you imagine that saying that? Listen, why do we call tennis shoes? Not only that, but can you imagine that becoming what you're known for and people... Do the squeaker bit. You're the jizzy squeakers girl, right? God damn it. It's Jizzy Jensen.

No matter what it is, it's still Jizzy Jensen. We on the show tonight. We got Punky Johnson and Squeaky Jensen. Guess which one's the lesbo? I kind of stink. Do you want to smell it? You guys smell each other's pits? Oh, you smell like my dad.

It's insane. That wasn't a suggestion. You know, when you guys were gift giving to each other, it reminded me of Steve and I, because we'll do that sometimes. That's so nice. I like Steve's tattoos. Yeah. Speaking of which, guess what I got for you.

Yeah. I like that guy. It's a rat man. Daniel Strauss R&D tattoo, the only shop that matters. Some would call it a rat too. What the fuck did you just say? Strauss R&D tattoo. The only shop that matters. Someone call it a rat too. What the fuck did you just say? A rat too.

Throw this like a spear. I love this guy so much. How cool. He's me. He's just walking around smoking. Doing his thing. Doing his thing. Wigga wigga wang. That's a Delaware rat right there. That's a Delaware rat. there that's a Delaware rat let me see the top side of the arm

let me see it relaxed so what are you going to do you're going to fill out the form oh you have to fill out the bicep we said leave the form alone Ian how long have you had those monarchs got them in 2015 you know what those are

2014 for free from a Nike shoot my mother just How long have you had those Monarchs? Oh my God. Got them in 2015. You know what those are? 2014 for free from a Nike shoot. How do you know what those are? My mother just washed them and made them look new. You said you washed them. No, I said mom did. You said you did. Me? No.

You said I cleaned my sneakers. That's so funny. Because every fat nerd knows what hair Monarchs are. They're cool. I'm going to wear them on my special. They're very sim talent. Shorts, monarchs. I was thinking about maybe,

I was thinking about fucking wearing jeans and a fucking beater for my special. What do you think of that? Just going out and being like, let's fucking go. Everything that you put on until your special, you're going to think that you should wear, so just relax. That's true.

I had a flannel earlier that was like, maybe I should do this. Maybe I should go out in pajamas. Maybe I'll go into sleeping cap with a little candle. Don't wake daddy. And I'll go, here's my famous crest phrase, honk shoe.

Why did they make sleeper guys with the candle and the hat? Yeah., honk, shoo, honk, honk, shoo. Because I guess that's a cuter way of snoring than like. Oh, yeah. The sleep apnea. The long pause. You're like, Is this guy dead? It's crazy when you sleep Next to those people

And you just watch them like Just like They're gonna breathe right? Oh dude I fell asleep At Tommy and Chrissy's Last night And uh They were

I woke up to them Laughing at me snoring Yeah I fell asleep on the couch I fell asleep at Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor's We watched the Phillies game And I after the game I fell asleep on the couch. I fell asleep at Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor's We Watch the Phillies game. And after the game, I

fell asleep on the couch. I was so tired. And I woke up to them laughing at me and I'm like, shut up. And I fell back to sleep and I woke up to Tommy going, shush, shush, shush, shush. And he put a blanket over me. It was really sweet. It was nice. Yeah.

You think the Phillies are going to pull it out? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're going to pull it out in classic Philly fashion, up against the ropes and come out swinging. And then they're going to go into the World Series. They're going to fucking destroy the fucking Rangers, tell you that much.

And the first game might be, I'm in Philly this weekend. I'm going to see Blacklisted reunion. We've been waiting for that since 2018 I can't wait I'm excited It's a good day to be alive in America Jordan? I don't want to die

Care to comment? I think I think I've gotten myself into a On earth form of hell. Do you have a song that you listen to? I didn't know you lived in Gaza. Oh, sorry. Do you have a song you listen to when you're down that cheers you up?

Yeah. What is it? Faith. Can't play it. George Michael? Yeah. What about Limp Bizkit? It'll make you feel good but angry.

No, because then I'll cry. I've been listening to hardcore all day. Me too. What about Limp Bizkit? It'll make you feel good but angry. No, because then I'll cry. I've been listening to hardcore all day. Me too. What songs? Hatebreed. Hatebreed, yeah! What satisfaction is the death of desire? And I was listening to Knocked Loose. Yes, dude! Cancel LA. Saturday,

Brian Garris, Knocked Loose. They're playing in LA on Saturday. Drain is. Drain is, but not Knock Loose. Knock Loose legitimately was supposed to do our podcast on Saturday, but you decided to go to LA. When can they do it? That's the only day they can do it because they're on a world tour right now.

Really? Yeah. And I tried to tell you that and you got mad at me trying to tell you what to do when uh when i scheduled it initially and i said you're off the road it'd be great if we just had this and you said i'll never choose talking for an hour over doing the road i said yeah but you're on the road a lot you you don't have it scheduled you should probably just take a little break and then you ignored me well now i'm going to L.A. to escape.

But here's what I think you should do. Have Knockloose on. Yes. I will never do anything without you. You can if I put my spirit into Ratman. If I spiritually put my spirit into Ratman. Who would you want to have on the pod with me to co-host with Knock Loose? You.

And who else? A second you. Huh. You know what I mean? That would be nice. Who's the closest? To me? Yeah.

No, to me. Me. If you could somehow get like a, you know, Daria with one eye popped out. If you could get like a... Dude, is there a way we can get a Jordan cardboard cutout and put her here and then I'll just interview Brian like that? I mean, you should just... Sorry about this.

You're fine. You should have him on just because you can't... You know what I mean? Like... All right, I'm going to hit him up. You're fine. You should have him on just because you can't. You know what I mean? I'm going to hit him up. Yeah, definitely. And I'm sure that there's a way to FaceTime me in. Saturday. Saturday during the day, I'll be in L.A.

Open the laptop on the thing. I'll be sitting here. It'll be funny. I kind of had plans this weekend but I'll figure it out my friend's coming in he's going to propose to his girlfriend so I'm helping out with all that

so you're saying you'll be here oh way to freaking bring that up oh shit way to bring it up because this guy was nowhere near proposing to Jordan. Yeah. Yeah, it was.

I mean, it wasn't even a glimmer of a thought. Give me cookie. All right. So. Give me cookie. Could we do that if he comes in like noon? Oh, my God. We'll talk about this after the podcast.

Okay. My life is so bad. Your life is so bad? Do you realize what's happening in the Middle East? You know what's happening? At least I'm not an inbred. Do you know what's happening? There is a lot of inbreeding. The BBC

reported on it, but then they re- Do you know what's happening? Felicia's texting you. You better respond to her. Half a block away. You know, no child in Baltimore can read. Your life is good. You got breath. You got your faculties. You're living a dream.

Right? Why don't you go take a nap? Jeremiah would love that. I love how every time Jeremiah does his podcast, he gets completely sandbagged by some sort of thing. I did his podcast. I did his podcast. Yes. And he had he was like, I really need to get food. Can we please go get food? And I kept postponing it and postponing and be like, well, I'm still talking to people and we'll go in a second. And then at the end of the night, I was like, we're not getting food. So then he goes home to his family and they're all in bed asleep.

And he sees some leftovers on the counter and he eats it. There's some meat in it, but he's like, it's fine. This is from earlier today. He then proceeds to shit out of his mouth and ass all night. Wake up the next day, not wake up.

He didn't sleep. He just got food poisoning. And then guess what? Because she wouldn't go. She, she goes to me to eat with somebody else. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep he just got food poisoning and then guess what because she wouldn't go she she goes to me to eat with somebody else i didn't eat i didn't eat dude dude it keeps happening brother dude it goes deep brother but you wouldn't know that i had food poison because i've sacked up and at the end of the podcast i let people know that I had food poisoning, but I didn't tell them until the challenge.

Well, and then the challenge was ready for this. The poor thing. He had to slam. He had to eat really bad cheesecake in a delicious manner. Yeah, you can't. I'm texting knocked loose later. That's a later thing. That's a later thing.

Remind me. You're right. You're right. Hey, what was the end of my story that I was telling? You said, what did he do with the cheesecake? Oh my God. You don't even want to know. I'll let him carry away. I mean, that's crazy that just mid story you check out, listen to me, focus up. I'm hanging in there I have a lump in my throat the size of a total you have a total lump I got a little total lump realistically there was no

it was bound to happen it had to happen I was just postponing the inevitable I can handle the pain now maybe I couldn't handle it maybe I got pregnant and maybe i maybe i decided to have a kid with him and then he left me while i was pregnant or maybe maybe it was six months down the line and that's just further and maybe it was right before my specialty broke maybe all sorts of things i can handle it today i'm strong today i'm in therapy i got

jeremiah by my side i got ian by my my other side Ian you're coming to every show tonight And you're probably going to have to take some of the spots away from me I'll do it I can't Believe it Did you ever hear the oldies song that goes Cause breaking up is hard to do They say that breaking up

Is hard to do Yeah I know I know that it's true. Hope your aunt dies. You know what, Jordan? If that gave you any relief, then I am glad

you said that. If that made you happier in the slightest... It made me feel obsessive- compulsive that she will die and it will be my fault and I don't want that to happen and I take it back. Oh, what do you know? Another fucking crumb from you. This podcast is a nightmare. What do you want to talk about then, dickhead?

I don't know. Why don't you bring something to the table? Don't fucking talk shit about her. Oh, okay. Sorry that she's going through a bad breakup and I'm just sitting here trying to be a little pin on the wall next to the Beanie and the Jordan sign. And then you're over here texting, showing me zero respect whatsoever. Well, maybe I respect you. My cheesecake story.

Maybe I respect you if you respected yourself. What the fuck is that haircut? You time travel here from 91? This is the best haircut I've ever had in my life, you hear? It's really, really good. I've got nothing but unanimous positivity from this haircut. No one will tell you the truth. But you know what?

No one will tell you the truth. But you would just enjoy that, you cocksucker. Yeah, you would. Don't bring me out of my rage. Yes, I feel better. I feel much better Thank you Yes, mom and dad, keep it up so I feel at home

You think I wanted to do this? I don't like to get angry, but sometimes it happens I thought you were talking about your haircut You son of a gun I'm just jealous because you have a good hairline and I have to get the same haircut for the rest of my life. Yeah, there it is.

I wear a hat because otherwise my fucking forehead will go to the ceiling. And what do you have to say, Joey Ramone? I don't want to be buried in a pet cemetery

I don't want to live my life again Why would he have to live his life again If he was buried in a pet cemetery? Because he'll be brought back to life Why? Because it's a pet cemetery Because of the movie Pet Sematary The plot line

I never saw that They bury people and then they come back You know what the best Ramone song is? What? My brain is hanging Upside down Oh

That's the best one I like 53rd and 3rd 53rd and 3rd Is that your impression Of a deaf Ramone? That was the impression Of his bodega guys Yeah no

That was a little known Ramone Deaf deaf Ramone Yeah That was the impression of his bodega guys. Yeah, no, that was a little known Ramon. Deaf, deaf Ramon. There's Dee Dee and deaf. All right. 53rd and 3rd is about Dee Dee turning tricks for heroin

up on 53rd and 3rd in New York. Let's get to the bottom of it. Jeremiah, Israel or Palestine? Ian's right there. Why are you saying

let's get to the bottom of it? Come on. What's going on? You muttering what's going on into the camera. And I'm not a bottom. Okay, sorry. Only for my sweet, sweet baby, Gerald. Gerald? Yes, I'm Indian now.

Hello. Or is Gerald the name of the man that you'll fucking. No. Gerald is the name. He couldn't even get himself to say girl. Gerald is the name of the giraffe on Scissor Bros. So it might be happening between. It's the name of what?

He was my best friend the whole time. I know. What? Gerald is the name of the giraffe on Scissor Bros. Oh my God. I'm so sad. Oh yeah. Just saying.

You're like the sweater song. Pull my thread as I walk away. As I walk away. Watch me unravel. I'll soon be naked. Lying on the floor. Lying on the floor. I've come undone.

And I'm like Weezer Because I'm going to die of lung cancer Yeah And you're pink triangle Because you're a fucking lesbian I'm not a lesbian No that was to him Yeah really

Holy shit oh my god Yeah you do have a lesbian tongue so do I Wait wait what's a lesbian tongue Long and good for vaginas. Doesn't matter about the tongue. Matters about, you know how you make a woman come, you kiss her clit like you're making out. Oh, okay. Say those things.

I'm cover. When I go like this, does it really suck? It sounds like you're in a tunnel. We need new mics because How does a microphone work If the microphone is out here Catching my voice Hey dude you're too punk rock for this podcast Shut up

You're gripping it too much I'm just saying The way I'm holding it it's more like punk cock I go through so many cables As well It's a nightmare I'm sorry okay I go through so many cables as well. It's a nightmare. I'm sorry, okay? You're bending them.

Am I bending? Is there bending? He's a cable bender? Oh, yeah. There's no bend. If you look at Jordan's hand right now, she's been doing it the whole pod. Bending.

Yeah, I mean, just creeping. I do not bend. She's a bender. You bend the bottom. I'm a holder. How do I bend? This? Yes, you're bending those. Yeah, that's a creeping. I do not bend. She's a bender. You bend the bottom. I'm a holder. What do I bend? This? Yes, you're bending those.

Yeah, that's a bend. That's not good. And then, yeah. And then you just grip onto the bottom of this real bad. And guess what? It's working. Yeah, not really. The reviews are in.

People like it. People like a bender. He was everyone's favorite character on Futurama. Oh, did you like the guy who followed the rules or bendered the rules? Yeah, bender over because I'm gay. No, no, no, bender over because I have sex with women. Right.

Her over. Hi, everybody. It's your old pal Ian here. And as you can tell, we have new friends on the show, two little rats, and they're in this aquarium for the show. And the rest of the time, they're in a cage. And if you're worried about, you know, the cage being ugly, you could get a disc plate and put a disc plate in front of it or put a disc plate on a wall. Do you know what a display is? A display is a metal poster that just takes 20 seconds to install and it won't damage your house.

Yeah, that's right. It's right here. Look at that. Oh no. My mother-in-law is coming over and she doesn't like pets in the house. Beep boop. Look. Beep boop. Can't see the pets. But I don't want to put the display there because I want you to see Richard too. And Guinevere promo code ska to save up 40% off. When you click the link in the show

notes, discount will automatically be applied to your cart. when then you click the link. Use code SCA when you visit Displate.com. That's Displate, D-I-S-P-L-A-T-E.com, code SCA. Or click the link in our show notes. Say goodbye again. Oh, they went. It hid like a hole in the wall covered by a Displate. Hey, everybody. I'm not saying you have scraggly pubes. I'm not saying that at all.

But our sponsor today, Manscaped, can help you if you do got some squiggly scragglies. This package includes a brand new Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra. It's got two interchangeable blades, bloppity, bobbity, bleep, bleep. I use it. It's good. It works. One time I cut my balls so bad. I thought I was going to bleed out and have to get a blood transfusion. Not anymore with manscaped. Are you kidding me? No promo code ska. That's right. It's a tight, nice shave. I used it on my face. You're not supposed to, but I was in a pinch. And a pinch is something you're not going to feel in your nutsack when you use Manscaped.

20% off and free shipping with the code SKA. S-K-A at Manscaped.com. That's 20% off and free shipping with the code SKA. S-K-A at manscaped.com. That's what that is. Go out and get it. So, Jeremiah, what porn have you been looking at lately? Oh, no.

You want me to be honest? Yeah. I only look at what's suggested to me. Okay, so what's been suggesting in your little porn search? I have too much guilt to search for it. You know, I used to do that as a kid. Isn't that weird? I try not to look at it in general.

I relate to that so much. I don't think it's good for me. You're probably getting the worst stuff then. You ever think that? Why? Because you could be looking up porn where two people love each other very much. One of them is definitely not Jordan, but two people that do love each other.

You're looking up love porn? Well, that's what people do if you want to look up good porn. Have you ever? I have. It is good porn. I like it when you think they're in love. Really? Yeah, like if two friends are laying in bed

after soccer practice and they tell each other they love them. One of their names is Ian and the other is Marty. So wait, wait, wait. So wait, wait. Maybe because I have love in my life, I don't look for that. Because...

So that's not like a fetish? Because I get it every day. it every day. Jordan is so mad behind those sunglasses. Like, I've never seen angrier eyes behind sunglasses in my life. Well, what is your fetish, Jeremiah? Having a written joke?

Yeah. Whoa. I had to support you, but I thought it was wild. Yeah. I couldn't think of the meanest thing. That's the meanest thing. He does have written jokes. I know he does, but that's the thing that hurts comedians the most to hear.

Yeah, true. Did it hurt you? No, I feel pretty good. Oh, God damn it. I can't wait till this episode ends with you spitting. I tried everything I tried in my head. I was like being taller and I was like, he's already tall. I said having a family as a family. I said everything that we all want. And he has it all having a nice house. He's got a nice house. So then I said the joke thing, but I know he's got written jokes. I like him a lot. It's OK, because guess what? You just did a joke. What's that?

A joke is something that you say to make people laugh that's untrue. Yeah. Right? You'll find love. A joke. That was a joke on top of a joke because I wasn't supposed to say it, and I said it because it's a thing that you weren't expecting, and that was supposed to be laughs.

But that's not true because you will find love. Sometimes it's right in front of your eyes. Get away from me. Sometimes it's been next to you on a whole time. Jeremiah, I'll fuck you and your wife. That's so weird.

Holy moly. I am not looking forward to the next couple weeks of pain. Oh, I thought you meant to a life with me. I'm going to have just, you know, when you're just at the edge of a bad thing, you'd look forward to a life with me. Are you going to make a friends pack? You know, the show friends. Like if, if by this date, we both don't have significant others.

We just get together. We should do that. There should be a countdown starting on the podcast. Whoa. What date do you want There should be a countdown starting on the podcast. Whoa. What date do you want to do? October 25th? 8 o'clock. Now, would you say on a scale of 1 to 10, would you be getting happier

doing this podcast or less happy doing this podcast? Where are you at? As we began. Where we started from where we currently are. Well, I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of really high and really low. So it's pretty much always levels out to exactly the place where it began, but probably better now than in the beginning. Because in the beginning it was ambiguous.

See, we're working on it. We're coming together. We're figuring it out. And if her and I got together, you would see her rise and you would just see me slowly disintegrate, dealing with everything. You take all the weight off of her?

Like the band. The weight. The weight. The weight. The song. You know that song? I don't. How's it go? I forget.

Okay. You know the song, The Weight, right? The Weight? Carry that weight. Carry. No, that's The Beatles. Hold on. How's that song, The Weight, go?

By the band. I know how it goes. It's like the second I hear a little, you know it. You know it at home. How's that song go? I would never pretend. I don't know. You never pretend. That song?

Wait so long? No. How does it go? It goes, it goes, if I look up the lyrics. I am dissociating right now. We got to,

we got to focus back up. Stop worrying about that. Put it, put it down immediately. You don't need it. You don't need it. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a. It's awkward to be. to focus back up. Stop worrying about that. Put it down immediately. You don't need it. You don't need it. It's a it's a it's a it's a it's a. It's awkward to be.

It's a me. I'm Mario. Can you do me a favor and just look up the lyrics to the weight and just read a couple of them? Because it's now in my brain that if I don't hear it and know it, I won't be able to concentrate on anyone else. You really have never been through a breakup, huh? OK, let's talk about it.

Yeah. OK, so I mean, this is why girls exist on podcasts to bring up the relationship status of other male comedians. What? No, it's not. That's such a tired trope. That's why people like our podcast. Well, that's what I want to talk about. And I'm a woman.

They gotta get what they want or else they fucking act like fucking cunts. Oh yeah, you're right. Let's just keep... Having fun? No, let's keep figuring out what lyrics the song is that you're looking for, you dumb fuck. Instead of talking about what's actually going on. It's called Shazam on your phone, you bitch. What is one of the lines?

It's, uh, how is the weight not? Yeah, that's a good topic. Okay, so me being completely honest and realistic. I really have not been in that many relationships. Haven't you been with your wife since? For a long time.

For a long time. The dating that I did before my wife was so innocent that it might not even be considered dating by some people. Like one was a girl that I met at a camp, right? And then we went our separate ways and we talked on the phone. We were boyfriend, girlfriend for like a week, but I couldn't keep up with the phone calls. So I just ghosted her and I never talked to her again.

I just stopped calling because I was like, this is a lot of work. She lives in Missouri. I live in Kansas. And I have to keep calling and then like I don't see her ever. So I just stopped calling. What kind of camp? It was a church camp back in the day. Really? Oh yeah. Did you fiddle each other's bits? Nope. No? No. You just...

Not even that. That's what's crazy. It was like, that's why it's like so, so innocent It was just like hugging And holding hands and that kind of stuff Hugging's nice What are the lyrics? I used to get boners from hugs

All the time Ian still does Do you get hugs from boners Ian? Hugs from boners? I get hugs from boners? You don't get hugs from boners? You don't get hugs from boners. You don't let a boner hug you. What kind of life are you living?

My dad's funeral was walking around hugging all of us and he had a boner the whole time. And you're like, hey, this guy's got rigor mortis. Yeah. A stiffy. His name was Ziffy with a stiffy. Ziffy with a stiffy? Stay away from Uncle Ziffy. He's always got a stiffy. What's the lyric? Just one of them.

The chorus. I pulled into Nazareth is the first. Pulled into Nazareth. Well, I'm a half as dead. Bing, gong, ding, dong. Bit of my ball hit my head. That's exactly what I wanted. Continue with Huggin' Boners.

I mean, you know, so I haven't okay, so I got broken up with once. This one did make me very sad. Okay? This one girl broke up with me. She said you're too good for me. I can't date you anymore. What an excuse. She didn't want

to be mean to you. So she let you down that way. She let me down that way. And that one was the worst one that I had because I was like, I thought the relationship was going fine. And she basically was in a nice way. She was about to go to a different college and she wanted to see other guys

and she like smoked. She was like smoking cigarettes and she knew that I didn't smoke and like she just wanted to party. She just wanted to live that different life. Just like getting around with different guys and stuff like that. Experimenting. College. Just totally normal. How old were you guys? I was like right around

high school. Like 18. Dude. Where did she end up now? I think she's like married and has a kid. Nice. But yeah. It's always best to be totally honest. Just lead with honesty as long as it's not mean. My dad said, he goes,

if a woman ever says to you that you're too good for her, she's probably right, son. That's what he said? She's probably right. That's nice. That's what my dad said. That's having your back. He has my back.

Yeah. Yeah. That's having your... That's him being... Oh, I see what you're saying. You know what I mean? Being like, listen to her Don't try to chase it because

She's speaking out of honesty What if you were like I can be a bad boy And you just started fucking slamming H The whole end of Grease Where she just becomes a smoking Bad girl in order to get love She's wearing all black She just becomes a different person.

Oh, that happens? That's funny. I've never seen Grease. You've never seen Grease? What? I've never seen Grease. What the fuck? I mean, I've worked at a couple kitchens.

Let's say he's greased up a couple dudes in his time. Oh, my God. I've never seen Grease, but I know they do that. Maybe I will see him. Maybe I will see him. That's what they say, right? Yeah, we'll look at Mickey Black in the eyes. Yeah.

Well, at the end, basically, she's a goody two shoes. Look at me. I'm Sandra Dee. Lousy with virginity. That's Rizzo making fun of her, right? And then she sings a song where she goes, I can't remember the stupid song she sings on the hill. It's a really bad one.

Get him to look up the lyrics. It'll help you. And then at the end of the movie he shows up she shows up to the graduation fair and she's all dressed in black and he's like ooh Shazam

what's the part where they go la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la I love that I gave her a slap slap Slipity dipity Of my bigger wing away Did you know that That part was supposed to go to It feels good when you slap a pussy before you And you pee pee Then we don't

Continue Did you know that The part where he's on the car in Greece? Go Greece, you're going. That was supposed to go to Nikki. Nikki. Isn't that sad? I'll go see Nikki.

Shut up. And then and then what's his name? John Travolta was like, I want Danny Zuko to do that. Isn't that because I want him to give me a massage. He just took it. Isn't that a perfect Nikki role, him to give me a gay massage. Shut up. He just took it. Isn't that a perfect Kenickie role, though? Yeah. Right?

Yeah. That would have given him so much more credibility. Not credibility, but in the end when he couldn't race the car and then Danny did it. But it's just like, oh, you stole everything. I'm John Travolta. I don't want Kenickie to sing it. I want him to give me a massage in the back because I'm gay. Is he gay?

Yeah. Travolta? Brother. gay? Travolta? Brother. Man, Travolta is a cool last name. Sounds like Dracula. Travolta is. Hey. Oh. Give me a handjob over here.

Travolta. Travolta? I just don't feel good about things. No, I like where you're going. She was doing a Travolta Dracula. I am Travolta. I want to suck your penis. I want to you're going. She was doing a Travolta Dracula. I am Travolta. I want to suck your penis. I want to suck your hands on my pee-pee.

Scientology is not a lie. Do you ever think that you had a dream and then you just realized it was you doom scrolling that ever happened to you like i just thought i had a dream about a kid a guy drawing a person that was a thing into dracula and then i realized it was just this autistic kid rabbit hole i went down where this autistic kid is really good at drawing things and i was like oh i had a dream but now i'm conflating my subconscious with reels. Like that's really bad. That's really bad. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. That's not okay. I keep getting tired of, of seeing, uh, social media posts. Troy Bond.

That are. Sorry. Yeah. Really? Troy Bond, the, the notorious black comedian who destroys black audience member. No.

Is that the video that went super viral? Yeah, it's like this kid who's like, I'm black, but he's like very white. He's mixed. His father's black. Sure. His father is a... Jordan. As black as my oat milk. Jordan.

Anyway, continue. But he's, I can't get, nobody's gonna get me in trouble for that And then What would you What is it What are they gonna do Comment with a picture Of his dad

Like what is gonna happen And then Let's have a rule on here Make fun of the person Not the race Yeah Oh you're no fun Ian

My shirt says Asian man records Would you like me To impress No Okay And I love how you go, my shirt. It's my shirt that you took

and cut! Because it's a good colored shirt. You got rid of it. You were getting rid of it. Nothing is mine. You gave it away. Give it away, give it away, give it away now. Give it away now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I jerked off to that music video when I was younger. What you gonna gonna give it to your mama? They had some butts in it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't imagine you getting old. Hey,

you know what? Me neither. I can really see you as a little kid, but I got old is crazy. I got five years left, Jordan. You didn't know? He's sick.

I'm coming to you now. I'm going to give it, give it, give it away, give it away, give it away now. He's talking about his stuff when he dies. Yeah. You get the car rent, You get the house up. I'm terminally ill now. I like it.

I like it a lot. Terminally ill Kiedis. What are you doing in town? He's dying because he got fleas. Do we both run our shows and you come here every other month? Every few months I've been trying to come out to New York. I'm trying to go to L.A. every other month to run the show and it is not lucrative. It's not lucrative at all. It's stupid.

It's more to hang and show face and see friends. But if you're looking to make money, that ain't it. Nice. I like going over there, though. I like coming out here. Yeah. It's good. Do you always make sure to ride Comfy Plus when you come over or no?

No. So I fly American so much that the exit rows are free when they're open for me. So they're not like in. Me for me. I get exit rows as much as I can. On the way here, I had actually never seen a plane with this much exit row legroom. I was all the way out to here and then it still went to your couch

with space. I reclined. I was like, this is better in first class. Well, you ever flown Delta One? No. Yeah. Is that the pod? He's still paying it off. I'm paying it off because I put it on a payment plan on my credit card.

No, you did not. I was like, you know what? I'm going to treat myself. Why did you do that? Because I'm an idiot. I had to take out a fucking bank loan to fly Did you do that? Because I'm an idiot. Oh, my God. Yeah. I had to take out a fucking bank loan to fly down to Washington.

Shut up. No, no, no. I'm paying it off every month. I pay like fucking like $33 until like 20, 30. Are you serious? Have you talked about this on Are You Garbage? No. Yeah, that's ripe.

That's ripe for it. That is fucked up, Ian. And I have a feeling I know where it's going to head. What direction? What? Garbage. It ain't classy. It's flashy. Dude, 33 bucks a month? That kills me.

How much is it? What do you mean it kills you? Because you're paying interest and stuff on that on top of it. No, it's no interest. It's a no interest? Yeah. Fixed loan? Because it's my, it's not a, I didn't get a loan. Credit card. It's credit card debt. You paid off an installment.

You said you got a loan. That was a joke. This is a fucking comedy podcast. I can't tell when it's a joke. Well, it made me get a haircut. Here's the thing. I didn't take a bank loan. That was a J-O-K-E. What I did, though, was do an installment plan with the payment for the Delta One.

It was a dumb move. I'm aware. How expensive was the ticket? How much do you think it is? Oh, it was way over a grand. It was two grand? It was two grand for a round trip? Ian, what do you mean it was over a grand?

It was two grand for a round trip? One way. Delta One. Oh, my God. You're paying for the experience. Did you even stay awake? No, I slept. Oh, my goodness.

That's why you get the pods. You can sleep. I had a bed back at the time, and I couldn't sit, stand up. Oh my goodness. That's why you get the pods. You can sleep. I had a bed back at the time and I couldn't sit, stand. How expensive was this? I had to lay prone. You gotta say how much it is. How much? It was like fucking like 2,400 bucks.

That's a Honda Civic from like 1998. What are you laughing at? I told you it's not, it wasn't financially responsible, but I wanted to do it so I fucking said I'll pay you off in installments and when I have more money, I pay more so it's basically like I put a credit card

on a credit card. Dude, I am flabbergasted right now. I don't see the big deal. Dude, that might be one of the worst. As much as my truck cost.

We could have got a third camera. I said $2,400, not $24,000. What are you talking about? It's $2,400 for a one-way ticket and you're trying to defend yourself in the court of law right now? You made a dumb decision and now own it, you idiot.

You stupid, lanky, fucking Gumby-looking motherfucker. Let me tell you this. Shut up, Joey. You short, compressed wife beater. I got smoked till I'm dead. Yeah, I'll give you a fucking wallop, too, if we go toe-to-toe. Oh, okay, yeah, you're holding a pussy stick. Why don't you beat yourself with it

so you finally get some pussy for once in your life? Because it's full of wood. If it was a flashlight thing at the end, I'd have done it by now. Okay, well, good. I'm glad we're agreeing on something. Yes! And, and, and, and, furthermore, we should agree that what's the fucking big deal about

paying $33 a month? Anybody who says furthermore in an argument's the loser! We were doing a bit, but now I'm getting pissed that you don't see. $33 a month is no big deal. $2,400 in one shot. Yeah, I couldn't afford it. It's the same amount of money that you're spending over a long amount of time for the same thing.

Yeah, because it's easier to pay it in the long run. That's how they get the poor people. I'm not rich. I'm poor. I'm not either, but I'm just trying to look out for you because I love you. Yeah, but if you love me, you will understand that it was a good idea at the time. If you had a learning disability, then I'd agree, but you're a smart person. You're better than that.

I was diagnosed with a learning disability, ADHD, and I never told anyone because it had the word disorder in it. So technically, I do, but I don't cop to it because I'm better than that. Do you think you're just like confessing right now that you have ADHD? People are going to be watching it like, no. The viewers are going to be like, my Ian? Here's what happened. Can I suggest?

You went like this, you saw it and it said, pay installments of $32 or whatever. And you went like this, I shouldn't. And then you clicked it and you did an impulsive decision. And it was one of the dumbest mistakes you've made recently. And that's just true. $2,400 is literally how much it would cost to like train across the country in a cozy environment on a train where you can walk around, get off, smoke cigs.

And you paid $2,400 to sit, lay, to lay in a cramped unit and sleep. It's not cramped. It's so good. Okay. They feed you nice. Everyone should do it once in your life.

I decided to treat myself with a payment plan. God forbid. You've never paid something off? No. Look who's never been in a breakup, never paid it off. Because you know why? Why? Because if I really want something that I think I deserve,

I will save up to it to pay in full. Yeah, well, what if you die before? I'm not taking it with me. I'm fucking doing what I want when I want, and I can't afford it, but I can in the long run through installment payment plans of $33 a month. For only $33.95 a month, you can be like Ian Fidance and you can pay off little flights and different little things that you want because you're a little person in a grown man's, well, a tiny man's body. Let me out.

Let me out here. I want what I want here I want what I want And I do what I want My name's Ian Finance And I can be your friend For only $39.95 a month I pay off little things In little ways

I pay off little things In little things A little amount at a time I get one thing And then I take A little tiny tiny ways Of paying it off And then eventually

It's one big thing But I don't really feel It's one big thing Because it's not a little tiny, tiny ways of paying off. And then eventually it's one big thing. But I don't really feel it's one big thing. This is how the little things over a long amount of time. So the long thing becomes little tiny thing. And when you say it like that, it sounds like a good move. Here's the thing. If you were paying off a little amount at what added up to be $2,400 worthwhile, but you're going to be paying this off for like a fucking year.

No. Dude, you're going to be paying off this flight. Do you know how many years? Years. Years you will be paying off this flight because you have decided to pay for $33 a month. Well, you know. Have you done the math on it? Have you done the real math on it?

At one point, I could go, here, I'm paying it all off now. It's basically like a separate credit card on my credit card. Ian. What? You could be buying it. It's six to seven years currently is how long you're paying off that flight. And guess what? The next time I get a big, fat fucking check, I'll pay it off just to shove it down your throat.

Good. Call me up and say, hey, I'm an adult. Fine. Where's my phone? Yeah, pay it off. They had to be taken away from you because you wouldn't stop playing with it. Oh yeah, you're right.

Here's the thing. I suggest once in your life, you should treat yourself in a while and fly Delta One. If you can't afford it at the time, pay it off. Why am I wrong about that? It's not like I'm a guy that's like, I only fly first class. Right, right, right.

It's not like I'm like, I've never had nice stuff, and I thought I could afford it. I couldn't, but then I go, you could afford it in payment plans. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I would have gotten a fucking subprime mortgage and lost my home. But thank God it's just one flight, not a whole. mortgage and lost my home. But thank God it's just one flight, not a home.

Pop off in the comments if you've ever paid for a flight in installment plans. Is that really crazy? Pop off in the comments if you have payment plans, something that you regret. And guess what? I don't regret it.

Then why are you screaming? Because I don't like when people push me. You're not being pushed. But you did make a critical folly. I can admit. They put their dicks right in your ass. No one put their dick in my ass. Delta fucked you in the asshole.

A fucking Delta flight attendant wants to put his dick in my ass. And I said no. Really? How did he phrase it?'s cool i met him and then he lives on the plane in the pod yeah and we like flirted and then he lives in brooklyn and like saw me at winston and sat down next to me and like was very verbally forward about hooking up and I was like he was like Akeem Woods like hot like the way he was so forward and I was like is Akeem Woods forward with you?

are you getting sexually harassed? look how you're sitting gay now that you're talking about being gay dude you trans you are code switching yes oh gross I'm a bigot Code switching. Uh-huh. Yes. Oh, gross. I'm a bigot.

I'm a bigot. She is. She hates when I'm gay. I hate it. She likes straight in. I like straight in. But guess what? If you like me, that's a part of who I am.

Okay? She likes me for me. I won't even tell you what I did the other night. Girl, don't get him started What did you do It was like Mambo number 5 but with guys A little bit

A little bit of Ralph in my ass A little bit of Mark in my mouth A little bit of Ralph in my ass. A little bit of Martin in my mouth. A little bit of Chavez in my hand. A little bit of Devrin in my ear. A little bit of Cesar on my balls. I got fucked so hard I cannot walk. Fongo number five. We're feeling better.

See? Power of laughter. I farted. I'm sorry. Did you really? God damn it. Sit down. Good.

Oh. Look good. I just joined the LA couch. Oh, speaking of which, you see what you just grabbed? Look at those new pillows from Gail. Where did you get these? My mom. Look at those new pillows from Gail. My mom. They're nice.

They're very nice. How did she get them to match the couch? Yeah, they're matching. She's special and she watches the show. She just could do that by eye? And she made it. Wow, thanks, Gail. I love these. Isn't that amazing?

Thank you. Wait, she made these? No, she bought them. But she made the decision. She made the decision. Whenever he brought them home, too, he was like, Gail made these. I was like, whoa, these are awesome. They're very nice.

My bad, my bad. She was knitting us pillow covers, but she decided to purchase these for us. Isn't that really nice? She's the best. What would you call a person who knits? Someone who knits.

Jordan. I'm going to get the LA couch canceled into the New York couch. Oh my god. I am so sad. I got BO and an attitude problem. I'm so sad. No you BO and an attitude problem. Oh, I'm so sad.

No, you're not. You're fucking great, dude. We're having fun, you know? Yeah. Things are good. One, two, three, four, five. We're alive in America. God bless.

December 3rd, Sunday, the cutting room. I wonder how much the lobotomy costs. Maybe just some electroshock therapy. Well, we gototomy costs. Maybe just some electroshock therapy. Well, we got a taser. We do have electroshock therapy. I'll fucking tell you to love yourself if I could tase you. Do people do electroshock therapy still? You can.

Really? Yeah. Is it like one flew over the cuckoo's nest style? Or is it like... No. Really? I mean, yeah. I was looking into it when I was in a bad way

during the pandemic. You were looking into it? Legit? Yeah, I had really bad PTSD and I had a twitch in my eye for six months. Six whole months? It was fucking awful. I had a twitch from this relationship for six months, remember?

Maybe it wasn't six months, it was three months. Remember that? You don't remember when I was like, look at my eye, look at my eye, look at my eye. Yeah, you also break out in hives. Your hives look great, by the way. You don't have them anymore. No. They're gone. Oh, I thought you were saying the opposite. Like, when she had hives, she looked good.

Oh, no. Your hives have been giving you great color. No, I will say, I think your body does have visceral reactions to your state of being and emotions. Yes. You have a very hard time regulating your emotions, but you're getting better and you're doing great. I'm going to kill him.

Me? What? I'm complimenting you. Oh, sorry. Yeah. And you know, that's all we can do is. I'm going to take that knife and I'm going to stab it into his throat. Yeah, go ahead.

Stab. See what happens. I hope you fucking cut an artery because I'll fucking, you know that's all we can do Yeah go ahead stab see what happens I hope you fucking cut an artery Cause I'll fucking you know We all know that it's just gonna be dudes Jeez What? She said imagine her stabbing you You'd be like

And there's this dude's jizz That starts running out of your stomach America runs on Dunkin' Finance runs on jizz. Put it back in. Oh, gross, gross. Funny little fact, I do not like jizz.

Nobody likes jizz. You like to give it, not to take it. Yeah, unless it's from a trans woman. Nobody likes it. Then I drink it like milk. But yeah, jizz from a guy? No thanks. Keep it to yourself, Ryan.

But Ryan, hello. But Ryan, hello. Give me milk, my love. Did somebody say grimace? Grimace? Would you drink it from a cup? Grow up

Who drinks jizz from a cup? Would you if I paid you? Who's jizz? A trans woman's? No, unless it was a certain No, I wouldn't drink jizz from a cup ever Oh my goodness That's disgusting dude

That's fucking gross What are you doing with all this defensiveness You bought a plane ticket for $2400 You threw away half of the money That you had to nothing It's okay You don't have to drink a cup of jizz Good thank you I didn't want to

You don't have to Years ago on an episode. You drank a cup of shit. Years ago, dude. Not my highest point in life. Years ago on an episode of Kill Tony, we were, I think we were in Philly

actually. This dude, he drank a cup of my piss on stage. Bro, come on. What is up? No, I literally went. Somebody drank your spit and your jizz and your and your pee in your life. I went backstage and I've never been broken up with.

That's crazy. That's wild. I peed in a cup and a guy's like, oh, man. OK, OK. We know what peeing in a cup is. All right. I'm like, you talk about it like shut. Put your put the mic down if you're going to have it. I need to hear. I'm like, no way. There's no way. Why did you pee in the cup? You right i'm like you talking about it like shut put your put the mic down if you're gonna have it i need to hear i'm like no way there's no way why did you be in the cup you

have to slow away because they're this dude on stage it came out in the interview like he's like yeah i've drank pee before and and tony and i and the rest of the guys were like well you wouldn't drink pee like like tonight would you and and he's like, I might. And I was like, like an open mic guy? Yeah. And I was like, I need to pee right now. I've been holding it for a long time. Were you dehydrated?

No, no, no. And I'm like, I'm going to go backstage and pee. And then I brought back a big cup of piss and this dude drank it and I started gagging immediately. Warm? Yeah.

Dude, it was straight out the tap, dude. It was gnarly. I wish that your spit had been warm and your pee had been cold, but it was the other way around. Your pee was warm and your spit when I took it was cold and that was the problem. I'd like cold both. Maybe because it had so much hang time.

If the pee was chilled, I'd be more inclined to drink it, but the fact that it's hot, I don't like that. Dude, it was fresh. It was nasty. Nasty, nasty. But anyway. One of my favorite Jeremiah bits on Kill Tony was the milkman. Oh, yeah. Whenever he drank all the milk

and then puked on stage. Yeah, dude. The milkman, he always doesn't know, you know, he always gets high on his own supply and he drinks a little bit too much. You drank milk once and puked it up on stage? I've done it multiple times. It's been a recurring bit I've done for years. How do you get yourself to puke it up?

Asking for a friend. It's involuntary. I'll drink a gallon on stage and then it happens. It's involuntary. You can just chug well. I'll drink so many glasses that my body will reject it eventually. I drink a gallon and then I throw it up. It's really bad. Where have you done this?

At the comedy store. I've done it at the mothership. I've done it in Arizona. They don't get upset with you for... I always do it in a trash can. I don't do it like... I'm not spraying the audience Gallagher style. It's just so gross. It probably feels good. It probably feels good to get it all out.

Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe the milkman will stop by the Delaware Den sometime. We don't know. Can he stop by today? Can he stop by today? I would like to meet him. I would like to meet him. He like to meet him he's from the 50s so I have to go find him

I have to go time travel and find him did you drink out of a plastic thing no they're always in little glass milk that he brings really yeah is there more gifts yeah

the final gift Really? Yeah. And how do you, is there more gifts? Yeah. Because we get to go. The final gift. Oh. So I got you little guys. I don't know if you like it or not. In Baltimore. It's a lady in the tramp.

I like both of them. Give them to me here. Because I'm the lady and you're the tramp. Hey. I don't know which one's which. They're both lady, you idiot. Yeah, they're both lady. What? Yeah, they're both lady.

I thought one was a tramp. Yeah, a different dog. You bought the same dog in different styles, you doofus. Look at this. Look at this. He bought both of them for $24. For the bear? His flight was $2,400.

He's fucked. I'm not good with money. I thought one of them was a lady and the other was a tramp. Oh, it's lady and lady. One of them is the tramp. Who's the tramp of these two? Dude, neither. The tramp is gray with pointy ears.

What? Dude, it's a boy dog. You bought two ladies. I bet you wouldn't be able to tell. I thought one of them was a lady. And can I tell you what I was looking at him? I was like, this one. No, that one. No, this.

No, which one? Jordan will know. It's the same one. Something crazy. With different styles. One is Japan and the other one is also Japan. Fuck. Maybe it's a lady and her daughter? Maybe? No, it's

two ladies from a different... This is more accurate to the actual Disney. Yeah, that's the lady. And then I think that's the tramp. Just Google it and you'll see that they're different. Someone threw my phone across the room and I can't do it. The fact that you play 24... The 24 is the real gem here.

That just is a. Yeah. You're welcome. Look at lady and lady. Oh, they're so sweet. Yeah. Who needs them? This is good.

It's good for me. Two women, no men. That's how my life is. There it is. Fuck. There's no tramp. There's no tramp. We're the tramps This is the ladies

Yeah dude that's Lady and the Tramp Wow Now you see them you recognize them Yep How dare they sell them And I kept going Lady and the Tramp I like Lady and the Tr. The woman goes, yeah, they're really nice.

Fucking bitch Donna. The flea market in Baltimore. She sold two ladies. Yeah, but she let me haggle. Got 15 bucks off. Oh my God. These are dollar store dogs. These are dollar store dogs. No, they're not.

They're nice from Japan. They're got These are dollar store dogs. These are dollar store dogs. No, they're not. Yes, these are sold at dollar stores. They're nice from Japan. They're literally sold at dollar stores. No, they're not. Yes, they are. This is a flea market. It's from Japan. Japan is made in dollar stores.

She probably just gave you a discount because she thought you were a special kid or something. And you kept calling it Lady and the Tramp. This is Lady and the Tramp, right? And she's like, sure. My friend will know which way is which. And I kept going, it's for my friend back home. It's for my friend. I brought a flight in the sky.

I brought a flight in the sky for as much as a car. Did you know you can weigh down in a plane? It's nice. My friend like lady, my friend like tramp. A computer said pay for it free dollars. And I said, I have for free dollars. But now I keep paying it every month for some reason. But they might have tricked me.

But not you. You didn't trick me because I got a lady and a tramp. All right, let's wrap up. Jeremiah, what do you got to plug? Daddy on YouTube. Yep, yep, yep. Jordan Jensen.com. Look out for Jordan Jensen's redemption set

on Stand Up On The Spot coming soon. We'll see how that goes later tonight. And Stand Up On The Spot releases every other Monday at youtube.com slash at standupots. Head on over there and subscribe. Scissor Bros, my scissor bros. My scissor siblings, shout out Ian and Jordan have both been on separately. We're going to get them on together when they come to LA.

And then Jeremiah wonders, of course, and all that other stuff. Yes. Ian finance.com for all my dates. Oh, I also got us a, this, well,

I got this for me. Ian finance.com. Holy moly. What? What? What the fuck are you doing with your money? This is the dumbest thing a person

can buy. It's a magnet. And I love crab. This is a crab that says Maryland on the side. And I swear to God when I read this price, you paid six dollars for this. I stole it from a rest stop.

Okay, you gotta stop. This is a waste of your... That's perfect. Go. Get... I gotta get...finance.com December 3rd, Cutting Room New York City Sunday, oh my god

and I'm also gonna be in Louisville Louisville, Kentucky Pittsburgh Improv Amityville Music Hall, efinance.com you gotta fucking come to you guys are bad friends no, just kidding, that's Santino and Bobby you guys are bad friends No just kidding That's Santino and Bobby

You guys are scissor bros Alright bye bye