Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 069: The Devoted W/ Civ From Gorilla Biscuits

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

Hey everybody, Pittsburgh Improv. This weekend, tickets just went on sale for San Francisco, Sacramento, Philadelphia, Calgary, Portland, Seattle. I'm going everywhere. San Diego, IanFidance.com. I'll see you there. Get tickets now. JordanJetsonComedy.com too for her dates. I don't know them and she probably doesn't either. Bye bye. Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride.

When you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan.

Yes! That was solid. Thank you. Thank you. A lot of practice. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. Put your feet down. Sorry.

That is rough. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm like a double Charlie horse. Yeah. Because we have. Like a double Charlie horse. Because we have a wonderful fantastic guest today. The one, the only, Siv Beetlejuice. Yes.

Yes. Siv juice. But for Halloween I was pretty solid Beetlejuice. Really good. Just disgusting. That was great. And she was Lydia in the red which is what i always wanted to be red yeah that's the best yeah does she have black hair she had naturally black hair that's all that's all real hair that's great it was one of my black socks was under her hair to hold it up

oh nice amazing she said we went and i didn't i didn't get a ruffle shirt like he's supposed to have so i bought a pirate costume that had like the half frillies. Yes. But I didn't realize it was short. So then I taped two paper towels to my chest under the frill so the white would transition down. Like MacGyver. It's MacGyver and it's fine because it's Halloween so you're in the dark strobing lights and it looked incredible. No one questioned it. And if there was ever an the dark strobing lights, and it looked incredible. No one questioned it.

And if there was ever an accident in food or drink, I was— Yeah. Well, we did an episode. She was Beetlejuice. I was Elvis. And we had a guest. It's a great comic, Kyle Dunnigan. And he did not dress up as anything.

And halfway through— His whole comedy, though, is dressing up. And our whole comedy is being dogmatically ourselves. So it was so bizarre that he was just normal guy in like Patagonia. Yeah and then we were having like this deep discussion about philosophy and free will and I was going in

and out of Elvis so he's like you know free will doesn't exist and it's your subconscious I'm like you're kind of confusing me brother. I just I opened this podcast we did recently with Sam Rill and Mark. I opened it. I just fast-forwarded through just to see what it looked like.

As soon as I opened it, it's you walking in as Austin Powers and me on the couch going, no, no, he doesn't. Ian in an outfit is insufferable. Well, we also did another Halloween podcast. She was Quail Man, and I was Austin Powers. But my thing was I went back in time. I got lost in the time machine to escape a series of me too's. Because the 60s were crazy, baby.

Nope, nope. We're not going into it now because Halloween's over. Thank fuck. And I thought that Austin Powers danced like this. Didn't he do that? No. At one scene, maybe when he's dancing, but he entered walking around like for hours,

shaking like that. And it was driving me insane. And then finally the day is over of him being Austin Powers. We go do this podcast and I'm like, I don't know what Ian's going to be dressed up as. Maybe he'll just be Ian, God forbid. And then he walks in doing that dance. And just was like i won't i will leave right now he's just i like that you get right into it see i'm the other way where i'm dressed like a complete idiot but i forget

that i'm dressed me too yeah just talking oh yeah i had a one halloween i think god probably 18 years ago i might have been the black and white striped Beetlejuice. And I still had, that's why I still had the wig. And I got into a road rage incident, dressed as Beetlejuice, screaming out the window. And dude, I won because the guy just was like.

Well, I walked into the coffee shop dressed as Beetlejuice and nobody bat an eye. And it was before Halloween because we were recording like a week before. And Brooklyn is so like, we're as stressed as we are, who we are as a people. Years ago, I was Tigger for Halloween and I got in a fight

with a cab driver and he like cut me off and I smacked the back of the cab. He got out and we got in a screaming match and he shoved me and I shoved him back but I had a button in my paw that when you press it it goes yeah yeah so i put you i go yo fuck you and it goes and we both started laughing yeah yeah it was like have a good night and i hit it again it was like i'm ticker i was like goodbye

and i hopped away maybe Maybe we should invest in happy buttons for when things get too heated. Be furries. We should all dress in costumes. I should have been Winnie the Pooh and you should have been, because I am Winnie the Pooh. I eat pretty much exclusively honey

and I'm always sleepy. And you always wear a shirt, no pants. Yes, I often wear a shirt, no pants. That's also Porky Pig. Oh, I could Porky. Yeah, but he seems more upbeat. Winnie the Pooh, really. Pooh is pretty chill.

Yeah, he's very chill. Why did they make such an oddly depressive... And then they throw in Eeyore. The honey had Xanax in it. Yeah, they had to throw Eeyore in so Pooh wouldn't seem so depressed. Yeah. Whoever made that certainly hung himself. Yeah. There's that certainly hung himself.

Yeah. That's, yeah, and there's a lot of things. Ritalin, Tigger was a little bit hyped up. Yeah. Yeah, Tigger was on meth.

Totally. We need more depressed characters like that. What? Now you watch movies and it's like, you know, a little girl

who's on an adventure. I want like a bummed out, I like Winnie the Pooh where he literally was just. The 90s had a lot of bummed out acting characters, right're like daria even that was a depressed character daria was definitely a lot yeah daria's hard to watch yeah yeah totally it was rough now i don't think we have i i gotta be honest wearing a costume and being that guy feels so good. Being Elvis? I was Elvis and I did my sets last night or two nights ago as Elvis. And I would not stop being Elvis.

So in a bomb, I was like, well, I got to be honest. I really am stuck in the middle of who I am right now, mama. Yeah. It was the best. Did people hate it? No, they loved it. Really? And then i was out

in front of the cellar and i was playing elvis songs and i was just dancing and all these people were like we love you elva and they were like really enjoying i was like this is buddy you became a time square spider-man oh yeah i was thinking about moving to vegas i was like i could start a new life like this i was riding my bike around playing elvis going oh oh and you know yeah some people said no you're in the right neighborhood for it like you said you're just identifying as yeah you're good just sometimes you can put yourself in these scenarios that are so if i woke up in the middle of the night and just remembered what had happened i would have been like i have to kill myself today i'm proud of you for it i'm proud of you for it i'm proud of you for it yeah i enjoy the freedom of mind that. I'm proud of you for it. Yeah, I enjoy the freedom of mind that you have.

It's really nice. Staying in the moment. Yeah, you on stage with Dave Attell doing Elvis. Like when I'm with Dave Attell, I am trying to be the coolest person I can possibly be. Usually I'm just like hiding my face because I'm laughing so hard. But the idea of being Elvis in front of Dave Attell is so

crippling to me. I could see him being fine with it. He was loving it. We were loving it. He got into it too. He's like, Elvis, how do you eat pussy? I was like, oh, I'll tell you, brother. I eat it like a hound dog. And their pussy gets so wet, it looks like they're crying all

the time. It was great. He rules. I loved it. That's good. Nice setup, man. It was good. Yeah. It was fantastic. It was good. It was awesome. I am so good. Nice setup, man. It was good. Yeah, it was fantastic. It was awesome. I am so happy you're here, man. You are the fucking best. Absolute legend. Changed millions of lives. You have a new book

that I love. Thank you. Yes, A Roadie's Tale. It's such a fun read, Jordan. I brought a copy. Did you really? Oh, great. Can you tell me what it's about? Yeah, basically, I'm actually the foremost expert on the book. Oh, really?

I can tell you all about it. I underline things you said that I like. In 1987, when I was just out of high school, Youth of Today, one of my favorite, probably my favorite band at the time, and legendary band to me already um asked me to go on tour as a roadie it was um walter who was in my band gorilla biscuits was they they kind of picked him off the uh band tree to be the bass player okay so that meant my kind of band summer was over to a degree and but I was just so happy that he was going

and that we were part of this thing. I didn't give a shit. But when they asked me to go, I had never been out of New York. I don't think ever. How old were you? I was 18. Oh, nice.

So yeah, I got asked to roadie, and I said yes with zero credentials or ability. I don't even have a driver's license. I didn't have a driver's license. So I was pretty useless as a roadie. Really? I was not. Were you selling merch and shit?

Well, there was one shirt and it was like. You guys made it, right? We just walk around with like, I would literally, we have a merch booth would be like me on a chair or somebody on a chair with them on your lap. Like if we sold like five shirts at a show is huge maybe like seven or ten was our best night like like fenders or something but um it was mostly starving working hard getting in fights getting

disappointed and uh but i kept the journal which was very unlike me, but I think I had just read On the Road. Totally. So I was like, I should probably be the next great writer. I should be the next Kerouac. But I figured at least just for a memory and just to put it down so I could look back on it. And I wasn't sure if it was ever gonna come to fruition but um how big was youth of today when you were roadie for them they were

big in new york i mean hardcore was so small in like the 80s and it was just a scene yeah each you know city that had a scene and you're basically your job was to get from one scene to the other survive survive that way and get enough gas money and food money to get there and hope that the show would happen which is a video game it's like do what you can and then you get to the next level it's like survivor and frogger like together nobody's making any money no and you don't have for years gps you don't have phones how the hell are you driving with just your you're you have a giant like one of those triple a maps yes i remember those and um but i was i was like you know walter and i were the youngest so we thought these guys would have it like together yeah and i brought like i worked at a laundromat and i

saved 200 bucks and that was the most you know we were going to be gone for six to eight weeks we weren't sure how long it was going to be. And I brought the most money with me. And everybody else was in their 20s. And they were just like, oh, I got 50 bucks. I got 60 bucks. I was just like, the fuck's going on right now? Yeah. How did you guys eat? We stole.

Nice. Everything. We were all vegetarian at the time already. So we just go to health food stores. And kind of talk about like the generosity in that scene. It's like those were mom and pop like kind of hippie more like style stores. You're allowed to call people hippies? Yeah. Okay.

This is America. Say whatever you want down in the Delaware den. So it's a safe place in the Delaware den for me. I feel good. So we would go in and we would disperse like you know a mob now at Louis Vuitton and just grab everything. My style was to eat on the run.

Like I would eat and then stash the wrapper somewhere. Yes, that's what I do still. Still. It's safe. Going to Whole Foods, grab a cookie out of that thing, do a lap. We're done. I get my groceries from the airport. Nice.

You just fill up a bag on the way out. The airport is even more easy, you know? A lot of bottles of half water. Oh, yeah. Do you ever steal steel just because you're like, this is, I know how easy this is? I tried not to, but at Whole Foods, my wife self-checkout.

Oh, yeah. Kills it. Yes. And I sit there and act like it's not happening, but I'm talking shit the whole time. Yeah. Like, oh, that guy definitely saw that. Oh, you're going to get busted. They're going to get us out the front door. Have you been to jail for stealing? No, I only got, I got, I got grabbed by like a good citizen guy one time. Oh, I hate that. He was a fucking sovereign

citizen guy. He was a hero that was in love with this guy that owned some property on the island. I used to be in a car club. I used to go over here to a pool hall. What's that? Union Pool? Yeah, Union Pool. I used to go to Union Pool

20 years ago. I was in the Rumbler's Car Club. Roger from Agnostic Front like started it. Yeah. It was like 12 of us when it started. So I had a 63 box Nova and somebody was like, yo, there's a 63 convertible. Oh. There's a 63 box Nova.

She's wet. She loves cars. She's sliding off the couch. That's a good one. All creased up. Yeah. So they thought that was too old because it was the rule was pre-64 but they were trying to be like 50s like greaser guys and i wanted to make like a brown shitty low rider with like a leopard

interior and like gold rims that was my dream yeah so i was living my dream but i had to fix it and i had to do some body work on it i got it for like 1500 bucks from a tattoo trade um but some dude was like yo there's this exact car but a hard top in this guy's yard just like with trees growing through it so i went there to strip it and with this other guy and this jacked up like long island construction hero came onto the property, like hot in his truck. And I was just like, dude, relax.

Like, you know, he's, I'm calling him, right. Cause they call him a fucking, I'll buy the fucking car. Like,

um, you know, but we already had start stripping the, the, some of the stuff off it, you know, the details I was looking for. And then he called the cops.

Oh my God. And I was just like, you know, same shit. I was like, dude, I'll buy the fucking car from the guy. Like there's no ill intent.

Don't fucking tell me there's no ill, there's tools here. You're fucking. And I was like, ugh. So we got away with it, but it was just annoying. So I think that was one of the things though.

Like there was a lesson there. It was just like, if you could buy it, just buy it. Yeah. Just ask. I bet he would have let you strip it. Yeah.

But then I bet he would have let you haul it off. You probably would have been like, get it out of my mouth. I was in jail for stealing liquor and that was the only time I got it. When I do take from the airport, I go up and I always buy something and then I give them

a tip to give the person. That was the thing on tour. What I would do is go to the register with a juice and try to act like I was a normal person. With a whole tote bag full of shit. No, I would just be bellied up. I would just be stuffed. Oh, totally. It's not food. It's tumors.

It's fine. But I wouldn't even, I would just eat and then with the next one, I never really took too much to go. My friend Mike Judge had a special army jacket. Why do I know Mike Judge? You're thinking of Office Space, Beavis and Butthead but he

started the band Judge. Two different guys? Two different guys. Two different guys, great names. Mike Judge was a drummer for you today on this tour. Mike had an army jacket that had inside pockets and he was our guy to get surplus.

I've stolen forever. And the only time I got caught is this one kid was like, it's fine. Just put it in your backpack. I've stolen from here a million times. And I was like, okay. And I got caught.

I've never been pro stuffing you stuff. And it scares me because if you get caught, they're like, you obviously, but if you put it in a bag and they're like, you just walked out, you can be like, Oh,

I'm retarded. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I just, or just walk out with my grandmother would steal turkeys from the grocery store and when they'd ask her she'd go i have a brain tumor and they'd be like all right dude my friend helene was a lot of sense my friend helene was in a wheelchair she was paralyzed from the waist down and i would just stack we would just stack whatever clothes we wanted on top of her go through and it would be like and i'd be like i'm

sorry she's retarded or whatever and they would just let us go through, and it would be like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And I'd be like, I'm sorry, she's retarded or whatever. And they would just let us go. It was crazy. They'd be like, it's okay, I believe you paid. Yeah, because it's also like you're like, oh, you're attacking a handicapped person. It was the best. We would do so much stuff with that wheelchair. Just barrel down things. Just like big cardboard cutouts

in movie theaters. She would just run through all of them. And just act like, got away from me. You could say anything. It was crazy. You could do whatever you wanted you could be like i want a muffin they hand it to you and then you just leave without probably the one perk of being paralyzed yes i know no there's not too many i'm trying to there's always a lot of xanax you know yeah well she you know what she lived on the sunny side of the street your friend she did she really did she did i walked in when she got paralyzed to the hotel, to the hospital room. And she was like, I'm like crying. I don't know what to expect. I walk in and she goes,

how about this shit? And we both just died laughing. It was awesome. She's the best ever. The best. Yeah. Wow. Really cool. She came to all my comedy shows. I started comedy while I was like kind of taking care of her and she would show up at the club and they'd be like, you have to get like an elevator fit. Like, are you serious? And she'd be like you have to get like an elevator fit like are you serious and she'd be like yep let me in just like coming yeah carry me yeah i had a couple i had my my friend uh friend of mine was uh paralyzed at a show he was a quadriplegic got broke his neck at a show one guy yeah she was a quadriplegic stage guy did a stage dive while he was trying to leave no no it was like it wasn't like self-inflicted some metal head dude jumped off the stage like his arms like this and hit him in the back of

the neck as he was leaving and he'd come out and broke his neck high and just fell jesus he was it was a wrap but the crazy thing is he can't like even hold like a drink but he drives a fucking van like a big car yeah yeah yeah yeah with a sip exactly no yeah a sip that's how they drive he's got he's got this thing happens but it's kind of like clawish yeah so he does some shit but he drives like a big heavy van he almost he was coming to the shop one time and he got he locked himself in because he fell out of his wheelchair yeah i just i didn't mean to laugh that but you're he fell he fell out of his wheelchair and it was like 100 degrees and he was late and i was like where the fuck's mike and i went outside and it's just like you see this hand like on the window and i said oh my god i

opened and he's like help oh i opened up I opened. And he's like, help. I opened up, she's dripping wet. And he's like, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. He's had some fun. He's had some adventures. My God. One time Helene stopped breathing. I'll tell you, sorry.

Because she was laughing so hard. And she stopped breathing. And she was like, I don't know what to do. And she was like, you have to take out. I mean, she's like mouthing it. I have to take out the trach. So we're both fucked up drunk. We drove her handicap van to like a bar.

Both got wasted. You totally get away with that too. Totally get away with it. She's handicapped. Yeah. And then I had to pull this thing out of her throat. And as she's walking me through it, she's just like currently dying.

Like as she's, she's like, just now put it in. And then I'm like stuffing this thing down her throat. And I'm like, now what? And she's like, oh, get up to the machine.'s like just now put it in and then i'm like stuffing this thing down her throat and i'm like now what she's like oh get up to the machine so i'm like locking it in there's some guy who's trying to fuck me outside the van this was what was so funny hurry up with your friend's throat yeah and he was like i just think that we could really have a talk together and i was like i'm trying to fuck your lower throat the doors of the van are automatic so if your body's in the way they all open and close so i'm blocking it so all the van are automatic. So if your body's in the way, they all open and close. So I'm blocking it. So all the doors are...

It was so funny. I hook her up and she's like... And then we just die laughing so hard. It was crazy. I mean, her... Did she hang out while the guy fucked you? No, I didn't fuck... Well, she was the one that had to wheel her home.

She was stuck. She was there. So the boner question. Yeah, can that guy get a hard one? So that was the thing i was thinking because he he would he would say stuff like hey what do you do when you go home you sit down what do you do when you're driving you sit down and i was like that's a good way to look at it like walking's overrated i guess fuck it sitting down we always want to sit down and uh but then the

boner question came up and he couldn't. But then he found, I believe the term is dev, like a devotee. It's like a woman or a man who is into pleasuring and serving quadriplegics. It's like a year. They can do it. It's a niche thing. Yes. Ear touch.

Neck touch. You can. Oh, no, this is is full this is full fucking what they're into like the floppy dick they like to pull out the girls

the catheter they pulled out the catheter I had a friend who was into that yes oh no friend no more so he found

so he found this girl early on on like the computer yeah um that was like a pretty hot well she was hot she was

attractive rockabilly kind of punk girl and she had a real kink for this thing and it had been years how do you find out that's your kink i guess you're working at old folks something something happened to her and she realized this is the kind of wiener i'm into yeah fixer-upper something's got something that's got a tube in it or over it or it doesn't work so really i guess really a hard worker diligent really devoted a devotee so she was devoted and um he said he didn't think it worked at all and she was like let's see if we can

jumpstart this jalopy and get it going that's so funny so he said kind of nice because you can't touch her I could imagine being into that yeah

like just pleasuring a dude who can't grab your tits and stuff and you're like you literally are at my command that's what it might be a little bit of that you just unlocked a thing in her

I did she was like how could you get wait yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. If I strap a man down. Gentlemen, lock up your catheters. I just realized how you could find this case.

It would be sick to have sex and be like, you cannot touch my, you can't. Because some guys are always grabbing and you're like, stop. I know, we're very grabby. Well, we just don't know where to put our hands. Just, you know. Yeah. You feel like we're going to collect them. Cover your ears, over your eyes, ideally.

You feel like, you're like, all right, am ideally you feel like you're like all right am i concentrating too too too hard on this one spot maybe i should give her a little bit here and there right right right right totally yeah i don't have that i don't have that but you're just i know my rules i know my wife's yeah i know what to do this i mean some things i do that i probably shouldn't but i know there's things i don't have to do. That's doing nothing for me. That's great. Yeah, she's good like that. Honest relationship.

So anyway, my friend, he realizes it's a visual thing. So if he's watching, he can connect what he's seeing into like finding that. And he got a boner and then he started to feel it and he was just like oh holy shit like all right now do it with my legs yeah get my get my legs do it to my get my do it to my spine start touching my shit let me see if I can feel it Rub my spine please Wow blow my spine

Put my spine in your ass Let me see it He's got a mirror He's got the ponytail mirror Nothing So I think Yeah she was Pretty excited at what she was

Capable of And it came to a head, no pun intended. Wow. And he said it was like, I don't know, 10 years worth. Oh my God, a bucket? Oh, wow.

A bucket of cum. Just kajunks. Wow. He said it just wouldn't stop. Really? And then he cleared it out And she was Stoked

She probably felt like an award winner Wow I mean that's like when a guy finds out a girl can't come from oral And they're like I'll be the one But this actually worked That's epic Yes Wow

Very rare that you do unlock that riddle at that point I know I have a friend who said Like oh I'll be the one to knock it loose. After an hour, you're like, you've defeated me. You're right. You can't come.

Go get your vibrator. It's fine. Oh my God. Her head must've been blown off. She was, she was, she was, I think she was still together.

No, I know. Not every, not every story has multiple happy endings. There's only one happy ending. But at least he knows he can. Yes, and then he continued to, and then life got better, I think. Yeah, totally.

If you can come, you're fine. If you can come, it's pretty awesome. Although if you're on Prozac, I'm on Prozac, can't come, but still awesome because of the Prozac. Do you ever want to come and just get off the Prozac? Does that work like that? I did that before the pandemic because I couldn't, I was having a hard time coming

because I'm on Zoloft. That was a bad time. I feel so weak that I'm not on anything. You're not weak. You're brave that you can face the wind. You know why? Because I'm into coming. Yeah.

Well, you have a partner. Me and him are going to die alone. So we need Prozac. I think you guys could both totally nail partners. Don't want a partner? We're broken dolls. Listen, there's so much baggage attached to this. You just got to find your own dev.

You got to find someone that just takes you for what you are. Yeah, when did you meet your wife? Been together for 15 years. So she's third? No, I had one wife, one baby's mama, and now she's my forever. You really are from Queens. Did you meet her?

Was she at a show? No, I actually met her at the shop. She was friends with a guy that worked for me. And we went to his birthday party and she was there with one of her friends and he was just like, yo, I want to fuck this girl. Her friend's really hot.

Come wingman me. And we met. And we were chatting. And he was kind of like, I mean, he's what she looks like. So she's pretty fucking cute. She's hot. A lot hotter than me. And she was like the hottest girl at the fucking party.

I'm like hot like a bald old guy way, but she's hot like in a hot way. So hot, bald old guy is what's hot to hot girls. Yes. You know what I mean? But who knew? Who knew? I was like, I'm going to, yeah, I'll tell you a romance story. She was there.

Hottest girl there. A little white dress, short haircut. Really cute. So you relax, out of your league. It's like, why fucking just be normal? Yeah, yeah. And I was getting, I was fucking bored. So I was like getting pizza together to like, you know, serve for people.

And we got introduced and I said, hey, you want a slice of pizza? And she started laughing. And I was like, why are you laughing? And her friend's like, yeah, why are you laughing? And she's like, I don't know. And she said, that was it.

That was the moment she knew. Wow. She just got the giggles. I just got goosebumps. She got the giggles. And she said, I, it was like,

I knew it. So the rest of our lives together. Oh, that's so cute. She's the best. Yeah. Cut to me just going up to women like, do you want pizza?

Pizza? If you don't eat this, I'm going to eat the whole pot. You want pizza? You want pizza? Oh my God, that is so funny. Dying alone. Yeah, it's different than the Taco Bell incident.

Oh boy. Ian went to a girl's house. No, no, no. You're going to give the history because you don't know the history. I'm just going to say the truth. He went to a girl's house. No, no, no. You're going to give the history because you don't know the history. I'm just going to say the truth. He went to a girl's house. No, no. The truth doesn't exist without context.

All right. You tell the story. Okay. Me and this gal, friends for years. Okay. What is so funny? Pizza?

And so we've been friends for years, whatever. And then have you ever had a friend that you hang out, a gal pal, and you're like, wouldn't it be funny if we fucked? That'd be fun. Not a friend, but I had someone once. That you've had, like, history with in a way. No, it was no history. It was just like, well, it'd be funny.

And I was like, yeah, that would be funny. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, what a gag. Wait, what? It's funny. Don't be funny. And I was like, yeah, yeah. I'm like, Oh, what a gag. Don't want to know that the root of the funny, just want to get to the left. So, uh, we hung out, we said that. And, uh, then we do, we had a great night. We spent the day together, walked over the Williamsburg bridge, holding hands, romance, romance, go back to my apartment, holding hands. Romance. Romance. Go back to my apartment.

Walk in. She immediately says, I'm not having sex with you until you clean your apartment. I was like, okay. So what do you know? Next day, I'm fucking Mr. Clean up in this bitch. Just like scrubbing everything. Like, I cleaned it for you, my lady. A little off-putting.

And then she loves Taco Bell. And she was having a bad day i was in her neighborhood okay can i just say having a bad day can i just say having a bad day if you're a woman means i don't really want to hang out with you today he said you want to hang out and she went i i'm having a bad day yeah go ahead she was on her period i know how you gals get. You're all a little hungry. And so she kept saying, you're going to come to my apartment. You got to see my new apartment. Way before this. Okay. But she also did not tell me where her apartment was. Just the cross streets.

So I got Taco Bell and called her and she didn't pick up. So I sent a selfie of me at the intersection in which she lived. Oh, you're that scary. I got food. It's very scary. Romantic if it worked. No. You don't think that that's a nice story to tell?

Let's play it out. Let's play it out like a day. There is history, maybe. I open the door. Me and you then proceed to eat Taco Bell while I'm on my period. I wasn't trying to fuck. I was trying to say, hey, it'll be fun. We'll hang out because I got to go somewhere.

You were building a relationship in your mind. I see. Well, in your mind kind of makes it seem crazy. Yes, it was just in his mind. Nobody wants to hang out if they say I'm in a bad mood and I'm not giving you my exact. When we stay in a hotel together, I don't tell them the room number. Yeah, you know why? And you did it the other night. I accidentally let you know the hotel number and I'm in bed and I fucking I say goodnight to these two. Good night. I have an early flight. Goodbye. Lovey dovey. Go to the hotel and I fucking hear this idiot.

And I just was like, yo. And I didn't do anything and he texts me and goes, I thought it'd be funny to go to your room but I went to the wrong room. And I was like, no you didn't. I just ignored you as if it was the wrong room. So annoying. He goes, we didn't say goodbye. And I was like, we said goodbye for like 15 minutes. You probably didn't think

it was a goodbye because it was so long. Yes, we did. I have band made stuff like that. We'll be in a hotel and someone will be like, come in my room. I'm good. I have my own room and I don't want to sit on the edge of your bed and gossip. Sit in your weird chair. I see you all the time.

Call boys you like and hang up when they pick up. That's why those rooms are like, you know, feng shui'd in that awkward way so you don't want to like you can't talk in there. You're all facing the same way. Yeah. You have to rearrange the whole room to have a conversation. Just want to say

not weird. Very weird. Picture. If it was a girl I just met on Tinder. Thank you. That would be weird i'd never do that nobody wants i've been friends with her for fucking eight years nobody wants sweet is true jesus christ that's sick you fucking bitch this place just i gotta say this basement is full of weapons it's great yes yeah tricks and treats i offered you donuts and a knife yeah it's great you know even the even the comb knife was great.

I saw it. I got my donut with it. It was fantastic. I'm into it. God, that made me sweat. That taste. You got me good. Good work. Thank you. All right. But now that I like that you said nobody wants sweet. Nobody wants sweet. It sucks. I wish that I wanted sweet. I would be in a relationship if I wanted sweet. Nobody wants sweet. It sucks. I wish that I wanted sweet.

I would be in a relationship if I wanted sweet. There was some, there was some, I don't know who it was. I just saw it like on a reel. It was a female comedian. She said,

we like when you start sweet. Ali Wong. And then you end a little rapey. Yeah. Ali Wong. That's a great bit. It's a good bit. It's really,

she's like, we want you to go really slow and by the end of it be fully forcing sex. Oh yeah. Yeah, totally. She's like, get a little rapey by the end of it be fully forcing sex on us. She's like get a little rapey at the end and it's true. Well I I was with a gal and she

said that to me. She was like look I'm kind of into this thing. I don't know if you're not okay with it. Some guys aren't but I'm into rape play and I didn't know what that was and I was like look I want to like make you happy. I'm down but I don't think i can get a hard on hiding from you wearing a mask and she's like what i was like isn't that like i jump

out and tackle you that sounds great that's not she's like that's actually rape yeah yeah yeah i was like then what are you talking about she's like you know i want you like force yourself on me in bed i'm like oh okay you're like you're like i don't play rape you go full-on rape it's method baby yeah it's rape or no yeah yeah yeah but in my head i'm like do you want me to like hide in a bush like i'm gonna get prickles on me my two foiled attempts ready one i was like coming through my window that'll be hot not hot i ended up having to like grab him by the back of the belt and help him in right that was my one not sexy like Clarissa's neighbor on Clarissa explains it all and then the second attempt this guy who broke up

with me a week later I was like I was he was like what do you want me to say in sex oh and I was thinking in my head I was like nothing I was like I was like, yeah, nothing. I want you to be like, I'm going to fucking kill you, bitch, but I don't want to scare him away. So I was like, I guess if I was what happened in my head is I was like, I'm like bad and I have to be punished. So I said, can you say fair's fair? Fair's fair. Okay. Like they're bartering for beaver pill. Fair's fair. And at one point during sex, he was behind me and I heard him sigh. Like I heard him be like, and then he goes, fair's fair. And I was like, fuck, no, not like that. You're right.

It's bad. So my rape attempts, rapey attempts have been thwarted. Yeah, fair's fair is not the best. Oh, it's rough and I know it. That wasn't the best line. I was thinking like you're a pickpocket and I got to get you back. You stole my things. Fair is fair.

Oh, like I'm getting even with you. Like I'll give up that ass. Maybe this is what you get. Yes. This is what you deserve. Yes. You asked for this. See, we could have writing sessions

before we do this. Yeah, I know. It's really good. This gal and I didn't really communicate too well, but she said she liked to be dominated and we were having sex and she's like, are you going to come in me or are you a little bitch? This is

what a man does. A man comes to me and I was like, wait, is this, should I now? I was like, I'm a man, but I don't want to prove it that way. I want to be a man a little longer. Are there other options? Let me put your AC unit in. I want to be a man a little longer. Are there other options? Let me screw up. Let me put your AC unit in.

I want to be a man a little longer. Stop saying come in my pussy. That's crazy. That's when a woman wants it to end. Just say come in my pussy and it's done. Nobody can handle it. The worst is when I go, I'm going to come

and they go, not yet. I go, you're really going to put And they go, not yet. And I go, oh. You're really going to put my mind in a weird place. That's what I'm here for. Trying to finish. But if you want it to be over, if it's too long, just say some dirty shit. I've definitely said that. I've been like, just wait a second.

And I've watched their face like, no. As soon as you say that, no way. We're just watching our grandmother's skin wilt off their body to try not to come. Oh, yeah. And then they're ready to cut. They come, and then I can't come. And they're like, are you going to come? I'm like, well, you told me not to, lady. And sorry, I listen to women.

I'm going to come later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had so many friends get abortions because they did the come and be thing. Wait, you've what? I've had so many friends get abortions. Oh, I thought you said you've had so i've never had one i'm barren inhospitable womb thank you i don't know if that's true but i think

it is because i've gotten a lot of loads blown in that old bakery that's uh that's the one way to yeah that's usually a test but not a hundred percent not a hundred percent test we'll see i think you have to be funny if they've just puked up that donut bakeries close throw some yeast in there. Bakery just might have too much yeast. It could be it. Yeah, too much dough. You got a bad health rating.

It's got a D listing on the window. Dude, I went to a food place, a ramen place by the cellar that had a D in the window and it was so good. Yeah. You're like, fuck this guy.

He's a hater. Whoever gave you this rating. I don't care if I'm eating rat. It was so good. Yeah. You're like, they're the best. Fuck this guy. He's a hater. Whoever gave you this. Yes. I don't care if I'm eating rat. It was so good. I did see a Chinese man fishing out off the Santa Monica Pier the other day for lobsters and I was like, that is what we're eating

when we go to some of these places. Yeah, but where else are you supposed to get the fucking lobster? In a cage off somewhere. I mean, there was like a homeless man shitting in the same place.

He was. That's why they get so big, those lobsters. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, shit really bulks you man shitting in the same place he was. That's why they get so big, those lobsters. Yeah. I mean, shit really bulks you up. Where do you, you live Long Island? I live in Manhattan. Oh, you live in Manhattan. But you tattoo on Long Island. Yes.

I live in Harlem and I tattoo in Sayville. It was illegal to tattoo in New York. Yes. From what? 1960? 60, like, 7 or 68 to 97, right? To 97. No, you're right. You're doing good facts.

You're gay hand down there. I know I do this sometimes. 97, yeah. Why? They blamed it on a hepatitis outbreak and they blamed tattooing, but they were just trying to shut it down. The World's Fair, right?

World's Fair and taxing something that really couldn't be taxed. What does the World's Fair have right? World's Fair and taxing something that really couldn't be taxed. What does the World's Fair have to do with it? They wanted to clean up the parts of New York that were, you know, for tourists. I thought the World's Fair was in Chicago. It was in Queens in 68, I think. Oh, okay. This was before.

Maybe it was before. Maybe it was the World's Fair was a little early. I think the World's Fair in New York was maybe 64. But they were just trying to clean up certain areas and not to the extent of like Giuliani's Times Square cleanup. Is the World's Fair where those big two towers are that are in Men in Black? Those, yes, that's in Queens.

It's the Twin Towers and they no longer exist. Those were revolving restaurants and they look like spaceships. That was for the World's Fair. That's where the Globe is, the BC Boys Globe. That was all part of the World's Fair. Whoa. Okay, cool. Queens. And now it's just nothing? Now it's part of the park.

It's just a park. They were going to tear them down and now they're like... You can ride a bike around it. Around the Globe. It's pretty cool. I did it. And you can break into those things and climb up, but they were like an elevated, revolving restaurant for the fair. Cool. So they said no tattooing because

we're cleaning it up because we want to be the i think they were just trying to get rid of it because there was shops and a lot of shops in like times square and on the bowery and different areas but were you like prohibition tattooer yes i was a speakeasy i worked out of my house on fifth and b there's actually a book my friend does tribal publishing who put out my book um put a book out called in the shadows and it was about underground tattooing in new york oh cool so it was yeah it's cool i was like i felt kind of like a poser because i was like only did it for a couple years and like you know i was like i'm not like real deal you know a 90 92 isn't like you know 69 you know or 70 or even into the 80s like jonathan shaw like ran a really cool good underground tattoo shop tony palito's old calcutta yeah tony but that's the

crazy thing about neighborhoods like tony p's shop in brooklyn mikey's mikey profeto in brooklyn they just had these shops and like houses and like basements on like residential streets. And it was illegal, but they would just tattoo the neighborhood people and like the cops and no one gave a shit. No one ratted them. It was just like, cool.

They were tattooed cops and then cops wouldn't catch them. No, it was like when no one gave a shit about stupid stuff. It's like, who gives a fuck? He's tattooing out of his basement. I can't believe it was illegal till 94. So I tattooed,

I tattooed out of my apartment on 5th and B and had like a brown lazy boy chair as my tat chair for the customer and taught myself how to tattoo

and luckily I had a bunch of you know punk rockers skinheads who wanted to turn blue and didn't care

it was like 30 bucks a tat and wow were you good at drawing before you began tattooing?

I drew yeah I drew a lot when i was a kid and did like you know flyers t-shirts and stuff like that but never trained okay i was probably i always wanted to like go to art school and be like that but my parents were like yeah good luck what'd you go to school for did you i went to uh my neighborhood high school and then no one in my family ever went to college so i was like all right i gotta try to go to college no one in my family ever went to college. So I was like,

all right, I gotta try to go to college. So I went to John Jay, um, college of criminal justice for no reason. And I tried to study fire science cause I thought if I was failed in punk rock and music or art, I would be fireman. Cause it seemed like a good gig.

Like he loves fire. I love firefighters. I hate them. I don't hate all of them, but I hate these fuckers that let my building like flood and didn't help me one time cause it was cold and house next door to me flooded the pipes. It was like zero degrees is fucking Goomba bought the place. He was just going to flip it.

And he said, Oh yeah, everything shut off. It's all good. You know, pies on blah, blah, blah.

Didn't do shit. Water is still on. And I helped a Franciscan monk that used to run it it was an sro when i first bought my house so i knew where everything was in the basement and shit so long story short the pipes froze then it hit about 40 degrees all let go i was at work i came home my oldest was like a year old oh the fucking water was coming down the front steps of the building next to me i came in my ceiling was dripping i'm like what the fuck there's no water pipes there went in the basement everything

was floating jesus so called them now this time it was like 11 o'clock it was february everything's iced up outside call the fireman they show up and i'm like yo we got to cut that lock it's the basement i know where the shut off is ba ba ba ba ba we go in the basement and we hit about fifth step and it's like squish they shine the light and the dude was in front who had like the saw

he just turned around and looked at the dude white shirt was just like I mean it was it was like a pool and I was like yo right there flashlight in the corner you gotta cut that chain that's the shut off pool and I was like yo right there flashlight in the corner that's you gotta cut that chain that's a shut off valve and they were like yeah

cause they didn't want to go in there and I was like are you guys fucking kidding me my house is flooding dude I got my water heater my fucking furnace I got a baby in the house fucking come on and they just left and they were like no so I said give me the saw I'll fucking go in like you guys are fucking I said, give me the song. I'll fucking go in.

Like you guys are fucking pussies. Like what the fuck? And you know, I was like in gorilla mode. I was like in save my shit mode. Yeah. And they walked out and I said, yo,

put the fucking hose down there, man. I saw you do that shit for Ty Pennington on like some house show. Like pump out a pool, pump that shit out. Then we'll do it. Yeah. And they were like, ah,

this could be a fire. I said, it could be a fire. Like my house is flooding like this could be a fire i said it could be a fire like my house is flooding like could be a fire there yeah the firefighter and it's wet like help me and i was seriously like help me and they were like you know we can't and i was like you fucking cowards you fucking scumbags oh 9-11 you're fucking heroes fuck you guys like flipping out in the street yeah so they left and we called again they came back they're like don't call us again like we're not fucking helping straight up so i got a shop vac i had a sump pump coming and i shop vac my basement from uh like 11 o'clock at night

to like six in the morning jesus 11 gallons at a time down a slop sink just so my fucking water heater i was broke i brought i bought the house i had zero money so i did it all night and my ex was calling the the dep and they were like someone will be there by four and we're like someone's got to come here now like this water is not shutting off it's just pouring out of the place so i'm battling this water as it's coming in and they were like someone be there at four so i get on the phone i'm like'm like, why four? And then I said, oh my God. You guys are going to get, no one's coming because they got to wait for the next shift.

Four to 12 guys are getting it. They were like, they'll be there at four. It's like, everyone sucks. That sucks. So 4 a.m. they started cutting the street up and they shut the fucking water off from the street. And then. The other guys could have cut it off from the street?

No, because you need to they would you had like jackhammer a little spot they tried to like take up the chop the ice and it's like a little thing they couldn't get into it i mean they were trying like uh yeah yeah they were cold and it's february in new york and then like i don't know two weeks later i saw i remember what you know they were called like the hook and ladder company or whatever it was and This was early. So this is still like everyone's still like, you know sucking their dick for 9-11 heroes Like October 2001 2000 this was like 2002 2003. Yeah, and And I walk into fairway the grocery store and I them, like a few of the guys that were there.

And I just start clapping and whistling. I'm like, woo! There are the fucking heroes, everybody. Wow. The heroes are afraid to get fucking wet. Yes. And the fucking chief was just like, let's go. Yes.

I left their fucking shit and I just followed them walking out. Oh, that's fucking great. Fuck you, hero bullshit. That's crazy to leave a place with a baby yes and a lot of those fucking guys who took credit for all that that was stolen valor too they weren't at 9-11 they weren't even firemen at the time a lot of those dudes really yeah a lot of people talk shit and get tattooed about it it's just like were you were you there? You know, it's like, oh no, I got joined after. It's just like, okay. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. There's a lot of that shit. Hey boys and girls, they's and them's and whatever the fuck you little freaks are. Welcome back to another ad for manscaped. I am excited. I've been using Manscaped, Ethan, on my face.

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ExpressVPN.com slash Ska to learn more. Let's take it back to the show. I was a volunteer firefighter in high school before 9-11. Thank you for your service. You're welcome. I fought a car fire once and my helmet fell off.

I was nervous. It hurt my foot. But I was such a fucking poser loser. I got a decal of Calvin Hobbes pissing on Osama Bin Laden and put it on my Toyota Camry.

Let people know where you stood. There's a fence. There's a line on my side ofry. Woo! Wow. Let people know where you stood. There's a fence. There's a line on my side of it. Yeah, that's right. Yep. I'm Calvin. I'm pissing on the line. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, he loves firefighter stuff. It's a good gig. I have a few friends who did it later on, and they're pretty psyched that they did it. I have a cousin who's a firefighter, and he was like, I've saved a dog. That's what I've saved. And it's intense.

But I guess it's a lot of saving dogs. I'm in a nice neighborhood. Nothing happens. Who's the closest thing I had to be in a Ghostbuster? That's a different gig. I just would hang out upstairs, do my homework in the break room and then slide

down the pole when there were calls. But guys would run and jump down the steps and beat me going down the pole. But I still love the pole. You're just slowly. I was the fastest in the firehouse. Put my suit on. Wow. And then I quit because my mom got upset that you were firing.

She nervous, nervous, scared. Only son, single widowed mother didn't want me to die. Yeah, she, that's fine I got her back You punished her? Oh, you have her back, I see I got her back I burned her house down

Don't worry, I got my revenge I burned the house down No, I don't want to upset mother Can't upset mother Yeah, you are that guy a little bit, huh? Can't upset Gail. We love Gail. Gail. Gail's the best. Where's Gail? In Delaware?

Delaware, yeah. Good for Gail. Yeah. Yeah, she's great. I could never do the fireman stuff. I went, my stepbrothers live at an old firehouse, and I looked down the pole, and I got vertigo and fell back on the ground. They live in it? That was a dream for a while.

I would love that. It's so cool. Or factory. I went to Detroit recently. That was a dream for a while. I would love that. It's so cool. Or Factory. I went to Detroit recently. I was so jealous. Isn't Detroit crazy? Yes, for Tie Dump. Yeah, I was there.

I went on the Sunday. I missed Saturday. You guys played Saturday. I played Saturday, yeah. But yeah, Trapped Under Ice, I think, played Saturday, right? Yeah, they closed it out. It was awesome. Yeah, that's a cool...

Detroit's cool. Doesn't it feel like a city where a dad lost all of his kids and he just has all this stuff now? And he just has all these big buildings and it's just like one guy. Yeah, or a guy that was just like left. Like, oh, your grandfather was a... Like, he built cars.

He was an oil magnate. He was this and that. It's just Bruce Wayne alone. It's like if Mr. Deeds took place in Detroit. It's crazy. But everybody just is like, yeah, it if Mr. Deeds took place in Detroit. It's crazy. But everybody just goes like, yeah, it's great. But then you live in Detroit. Yeah.

And the neighborhood, the tie down was in felt like Barbarian. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. It was. It's kind of where House of Comedy is, too. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's kind of like Thunderdome.

It's like Barter Town. Like all those kind of things come to mind. It's very Robocopy. Where a Robocop final scene would happen is tied down. It's really crazy. When you were traveling with Youth of Today or even in Gorilla Biscuits heyday,

were there places that even you guys were like, Detroit, I'm not. Really? Yeah, the first time I went to Detroit, there was little kids standing on the corner and like we just like looked over at him like like nine ten years old like threw something at the van and what the fuck you looking at pussy and we're like they're like faggots and we're like and they were just like wow fuck you we were like all right all right you got right. You got us. Yeah.

And it was like, fuck little kids. Don't get, you know, don't get fucked. But you played shows there. Oh yeah. We played,

uh, we actually got, um, all of our shit stolen in Detroit. Really? Yeah. It was like one of the last shows of the tour. And,

um, really biscuits or when you were with the youth today. And, um, we, we, the blame got put on a band called Boom and the Legion of Doom because they threw like meat and bones and stuff at us while we were

well I always say us but I wasn't in the band but the band um uh while we were playing because we were vegetarian and that would have happened in the 80s more than you'd think. Wow. Yeah, the Slapshot guys from Boston did that to our, the line of like people going into our show. Girl of Us has played Boston in the 80s one time. And we got there late. We're always fucking late. And, you know, we didn't know maps. We're just dicks.

We just show up late. And we show up and these kids were like all super upset. And they were like they they came by in a van and they threw chopped meat at us and like bones and pig's feet and i just started dying i was like it's fucking amazing yeah i was like seriously they're like yeah why are you laughing i'm like it's so fucking funny that's what ink and dagger did to earth crisis who did it ink and dagger oh did they band from Philly, yeah. Oh, wow. Sean McCabe and the singers through Meet at Earth Crisis.

See, Earth Crisis release would probably get into it. We were like, you know, we were just kind of like, so that was fun. You guys just like shrugged it off? Yeah, I mean, I thought it was funny. Like later on in like,

when we were touring, like I would, you know, I would get in fights on stage, but like my band is not the band that you want backing in a fight. Really? Nothing happens, yeah. Yeah. Like I'm getting fights on stage but like my band is not the band that you want backing in a fight really nothing happens yeah like I'm always like I just want to be a mad ball one for one day

just so I can get some shit to get my someone gets my back what would they do what was their reaction my band they just go like oh come on you know like literally literally punching well actually my bass Like, oh, come on. You know? They're like, literally. Come on, stop.

No, put the knife down. Literally punching. Well, actually, my bass player, he, when he was, I think he was still, he was still drinking pretty good at the time. He's sober now, but he pulled his,

we got into a fight in Scotland. They put it, we had in a thing, we don't play barricade shows. Get there, giant barricade. And I said, hey, champ. It was welded in. It wasn't going anywhere.

I said, we don't play. It's in the contract. And the guy was like, oh, that's really cute. Cool. What it is is Live Nation bought this venue since you had the contract with the old club. So your contract is not on the void because it's a live nation club

now you know so this was recently this was like in 2000 2008 or 9 so semi semi recently in the history of the band and i was like okay we're not playing and the guy was like cool like no problem i just called my bluff and i was like fuck this and the band was like dude you got a guarantee this fucking show sold out let's just do it and i was like fuck that this. And the band was like, dude, we got a guarantee. This fucking show sold out. Let's just do it. And I was like, fuck that. Like, this is so fucked up. Yeah.

And they're like, we have two shows left. We're going to England tomorrow. Let's just play. And we come out. And I'm like, OK, I'll figure this out. I'll, you know, it's the barricade is like this high. Like people standing. It's like neck high. So I'm trying to jump. And it's far, I'm jumping over it, trying to sing, trying to get something going.

And these two giant like olders, like skinhead dudes. Guys, I must speak, I must say something. I was fucking bored. Do you remember playing in Czech Republic in, you know, 89? I was like, yeah, the show was fucking crazy. It's like one way in, no way out. Like one entrance, one exit, fire trap, like a thousand people. No one ever would play there.

We wanted to go see Prague. So we went and we basically played for nothing. But the show was awesome. They came into the dressing room, pulled us back out on stage. And we had to play an entire set again because they were just like, no, you're not done. Oh, dude. It was cool. I mean, it's kind of sucked at the time.

It sucks, but it's cool. Like hostage? Like, yeah. Like, no, you're like playing. No security. Like, thank you. Good night. Played, you know, Louie Louie.

And, you know, should I stay or should I go? And then went backstage and was like, all right, cool and then it was like no do it again wow oh my god so we did it um or we would have probably gotten beaten to death yeah um so these guys were at the show and they were like we were there that was great this is shit he throws the mic back at so pissed because he was right yeah and i gave him the mic and he just like fucking burned me so bad yeah so i was like yeah you know you got a point but we uh but we're gonna try our best and have a good time anyway even though this barricade security is here it sucks so i'm fucking pissed i'm trying to be like positive guy and and i see him in the back and they're just throwing down pints of beer and then i see them kind of nudge

each other and i'm like oh here we go and i see him walking back making their way pushing their way back through the crowd and they kind of come on the side and now the security guys are like you know smaller than us So it's just like, well, you're not going to do anything against these two fucking savages. So they come on the side of the stage and they're trying to like, I can see they're trying to make their way over. And there's some girls standing where like the barricade ends and the stage

begins. And he like pushes the girl. The girl says something and he just grabs her by the face, like bushes her like down to the ground. And I was just like, okay, fuck this guy. So her like down to the ground whoa and i was just like okay fuck this guy so i stopped seeing him walk over and i'm just like oh i was like oh you're a fucking tough guy you just like smacked a girl you're so fucking tough but they got pints of beer still in their hands so i'm like i'm gonna wind up getting stitches like i'm going to hospital

but whatever i'm so fucking pissed this guy got me and then he just mushed a girl so for some reason i got the mic like this my right hand and it's like low and i'm fucking screaming at the guy and his friend and my bass player comes over and he's like doing like this best paul simenon like fuck you like johnny cash and the dude's like oh yeah fuck me and he just throws his beer at him but goes past him but as it goes past him it empties out and hits him from his head like his groin wow like like flash dance yeah and i see that as it goes past me i i'm like fuck so i throw like a jump hook i punch him in the face nice and then the dude who's closer to me i see him winding up i'm like fucks's like this and he hits me in the head with a pint, but it's

plastic. Oh, good. It was like, it just goes bonk. Yes. And I'm covered in beer and I was like, plastic. So I punch in. Let's go. And yeah, but this is my good guy with the mic and I'm throwing left hooks and nothing's happening. You're still singing. They're just like,

no, at this point, I wish. I tried to get a guy in a triangle in Europe because he fell on me. So I tried to get him in a triangle while I was singing. But it was just because Billy Beyerhaeuser was there and some of the guys from. What's a triangle? Triangle joke. Yeah, triangle joke. Sure.

Don't do it to me. Here, here, here. Don't hurt me. Leg, leg. You got to go legs between. This is good There it is Why are you hurting

Because it's a triangle How I didn't mean to hurt you I didn't know you said not get him He deserves it Tase me once Why would you not react to that I got you back

You really pinched me good. Yeah, I got you. That was a quick pinch. I didn't even notice it. Yeah. Was that a good triangle choke? He can't do anything without, like he can't demonstrate anything

without actually hurting. It was a good triangle choke. It's retarded. I'm sorry. The bad part is most of the time when someone goes through a triangle choke, no one falls into their lap like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were like gently falling in. Yeah, because I was doing the demonstration. I'm going to kill you. Oh, my God. I got excited. I got excited. I knew you would get excited. I just wanted his approval.

I know. I'm sorry. That was my fault. It's not your fault. It's this retard's fault. And then I was ready for him to do it. So I was like, I'm sorry. I'm going to do the worst monkey bite.

Yeah. That thing's stinging, huh? I was ready with the monkey bite. I knew that he was- That was a no nail. That was just a straight finger pinch. Oh, dude. It was a pinch and turn.

It was this and twist. Because I knew. I was like, he's going to put his arms around me and I'm ready. That's fine. But then I knew if he started squeezing, it would hurt me and I'd have to. So I just got my fingers ready. And as he squeezed, I turned around. You're right.

And I'm sorry. Yeah. I know that's going to happen every time. You know what? And you won. The other day he had a cane and I'm talking about that we have no free will and he goes, I have free will and just smacks me with a cane and

later I'm changing and I look and there's just a cat head. Imprint. Imprint. There's certain ways to prove your point. This fucking idiot. I know. I know. I know. I ball tapped our friend Ari. Oh my God. Ari Shafir, who's like the best comic

of all time. I ball tapped him and it hurt him and I was like, I am sorry and now I will get myself back. And I ball tapped myself and it was ooh, I almost puked. I ball tapped my friend Jimmy the other night at Morrissey, but no one

knew we were friends and no one knew what was happening. He's like letting his children and his wife go through. So I got up out of my seat because I got tickets day of in the same aisle, but he didn't see me. So I asked these people to move and I walked over and just reached around and gave him a pud bash. And everyone's just like,

Mary's like, whole place is looking at you because you just went over and grabbed his dick. And I was like, well, it's really a smack. It was a dick grab. It was a loving smack it was a thwack you went to Morrissey? I went two nights to Morrissey because it was right in the neighborhood

he played at this beautiful palace theater from 1930 in the Heights and it was on 172nd street so it was pretty close to my house how old is he how old is morrissey yeah i would venture to guess early 60s and it was awesome it's awesome yeah so i saw him at the garden with blondie opening and it wasn't that awesome i don't like the garden

i'll say it right now i saw bruce springsteen there i don't like it it's a big talk for someone not from new york that's what it is what happens'm from New York Tech, just not New York City. You can't. Yes, New York City. I don't have any attachment to the garden. It's too big. It's too much. And then you're walking through and there's so much food and sushi.

And then you just get in there and you're so far away. You can enjoy like a Knicks game there pretty close. But for a rock concert, I just went to go see Blink-182 there and Turnstile. Oh my God, Turnstile played MSG? They opened up, they did a whole leg of that tour. For Blink, yeah. Oh yes, yes, yes.

It was cool to see, but it's not their thing. And then we just played with them in Alabama. We've been playing with Turnstile for years in different capacity and now they're just this fucking huge force and they're the glow on they just made it so listenable for everybody so fucking cool but it made so many haters yeah made so many fans for them and i'm a fucking fan and we played like uh this is hardcore

with them over 10 years ago you know and like a bunch of shows but um you'll see i'll be in the i'll be on stage and I'll see somebody with a turnstile shirt. And I'm like, oh, turnstile. And it's like the biggest dork, like the last person you would ever. And I was like, yeah, that's a glow on shirt. You just introduce, it introduces people

to some older stuff and some newer stuff. And then they go to show and see how violent it is. And they're like, no, there shouldn't be violent. It's like, well, then you don't belong. But in Alabama, they play, I think it was Alabama.ama i'm maybe i don't know where the fuck i was there was somewhere and they played a big stage but there was like a drop down sort of like stage no barricade no security oh and it was so good really it was so good because they were in their element yeah like they were getting fucking hit by people on stage yeah it

was they were they're not they're not fucking like you know rock or being pussies about i got into their cell from glow on and then i went back right and i was like oh they are gone is sick because they put the way they put it out and the way they use social media and like they did it in this really smart and it was like little presents because it was doing like covid oh that's right that's right that's right he dropped it really smart so i was just i was just psyched for them like the way they changed the album is every song alone but even like the songs are so short and so weird and like so cool but they're all hits but that was very much like a justice influence in that totally Totally. Yeah. Justice from Angel Dust. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Angel Dust. You know, but then someone said like, yeah, there was that's I mean, there's a lot of strange things that made sense. So they did it in a right way. Yeah. And it is cool that it gets people into hardcore and then they go back to find. I never realized. Yeah.

And because those guys, those those guys and that girl, they know their shit, you know? And I mean, and then someone said to me like, oh, they ripped off Shelter and Civ or something on that. And I was like, oh, I'll take that compliment.

Yeah. The dynamics and the high, the highness of his voice. I was like, I could definitely hear Shelter, Civ less, but Shelter. But I was like, that's fucking cool. Siv Lesbos Shelter but I was like that's fucking cool like I'm

I'm into that but anyway I watched him play The Garden and it was like good for you guys cause you know playing The Garden

is cool I got to do it with Siv we opened for Kiss one time on their comeback their reunion tour it was nepotism

we had the same management company but that's awesome it was cool that's kind of how it works though, the band. Oh, 100%.

But like those guys, you know, like for Turnstile, they're the band right now that older bands or big bands want to give them credibility. Where it's like, we're playing this regardless, but we can make it a cool show or we can just make it about us. So if we get you to say yes then you give us credibility that we're cool with the kids you know we're hot in the streets we're wearing tie-dye sweatshirts and we're doing it so you know what i get you see what i'm saying so even though like because they had offers from like the foo fighters from paramore

right right right so they chose that tour. When we went, it was they had Akulu. Have you heard of them? Ceremony. Ceremony, I love. Ceremony rules. Check out Akulu. They're the least known band on that lineup, but they are so fucking good. It's crazy.

Because I had been listening to them and I was like, oh, they're opening for Turnstile. And we were stuck outside, couldn't get in, but you can hear them. And I was like, dude, they rip. They're really good. We were stuck outside because he got fake tickets. I got scammed on tickets. And then I got his in. He goes, let's go to Turnstile. I buy my own ticket because I can

foresee. I'm like, I know Ian and he's going to get scammed. So I buy my own. He's like, no, I got him. I'm like, I'm going to print mine. Yeah. And then we get there. It's like a month later and. So I buy my own. He's like, no, I got him. I'm like, I'm going to print mine. Yeah. And then we get there. It's like a month later and I forget I bought my own. So I'm waiting with Ian while he figures out the scam. And then I was like, you guys, I have my own ticket. And then somehow using mine, you're begging. We all got in. Yeah. We got in and kind of swindled an old security guard and like kind of gave him the rope-a-dope of like confusing him. Nice. Sorry, juggling a unicycle. yeah yeah literally juggling yeah yeah literally i was like well i'm going to

smoke but my friends out there already and they need a cigarette so if i just go he was like oh go okay kids just stop talking to me eventually they literally were like i want this man away from me yeah let's let him go yeah and then we all, we were at the cellar. It was a bunch of comics and we all were at the cellar the next day. Ian can't turn his head. I'm limping. Our friend, I think it was Feeney. Feeney had a huge jaw. Shane Torres couldn't move. Like all of us were just like that was the preview. You did good then. Yeah.

It was tough for everybody. I still stage time and I'm 38. I love it. I'll never stop. But every show I got, I just went to Blacklisted and Unbroken in Philly at the church. I think I saw a video of you stage diving. Oh, really? On your Instagram, right? Yeah, I did one with a cane at Angel Dust a while ago.

Are you talking about the flip that he did at the, didn't you go to Taking Back Sunday flip? Oh, yeah. Oh, I went to that backyard show with Taking Back Sunday. I think it was Philly. I think it was Philly, maybe. Or maybe I sang the Freddie Mambo part on Guilty By Association with H2O at your show, yeah. Oh, at our show.

Yeah, and then I went outside to smoke cigarettes and everybody packed in so hard for Gorilla Biscuits, I could not get through. Smoking will get you. Well, I guess I'll just stay out here. I literally watched through the window like a little kid. I was like, I wish I was there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sucks. Yeah, it was so packed. It was so cool. People, it's so awesome to see everyone just get so fucking stoked on how great you guys are. Those shows were fun. Yeah. I think the second night, I feel like the first night, what happens is if we do put two nights,

it's like the first night seems to be more like, um, the older fans will get tickets faster, which is strange because like, you think like younger people would be like more savvy and like quicker. But then the second night, it's usually like a different mix and it's a little bit more high energy. And I think that happened, um, that night it was just like, I think the first night's usually like a different mix and it's a little bit more high energy. And I think that happened that night.

It was just like, I think the first night I was like, I felt a little sluggish. You know, it's like that one off back. And then the second night we played, we'd fucked up. And I was like. Yeah, cold world, right? Cold world. And those guys were killing it so hard

that I kind of got like competitive. Like me and Walter were like, like fuck. Like can't just half-ass this shit. Like, and the dude from, yeah, we were watching,

the guys from Fucked Up were like, no, you'll be fine. And I was like, you trying to get in my head? Like trying to make me like half-step this?

He's like, no, it's going to be a great show. Walter's like, yeah, he's fucking with us. I said, all right.

Were they or were they just? No, he was like, he was like, I want to be the, I want to be the guy with the good, I want to have the good show. Well, it was like, yeah, he's fucking with us. I said, all right. Were there, were they just, he was like, he was, he was like, I want to be the, I want to be the guy with the good, I want to have the good show. But,

so it was good. It was a little gamesmanship. I liked it, but we had this, we had this, it was, it was, it was wild.

There was a girl, my uncle, Mike, my uncle, Mike came. He's like a deadhead. He never came before. And he was there.

And there was a was a girl up front Who we learned later was a dancer Because she was sort of naked And thongy The whole show stage diving Stage diving? Stage diving What?

With her titties out? Well titties were A byproduct of her stage diving But the mini skirt with the thong was out. Wow. But she was very comfortable with her body

and her profession and she was just an extension. Hell yes. And everyone seemed whoever enjoys the female form seemed to enjoy it.

You don't say. Yes. It was shocking. Wow. But then up front it was a very I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the crowd because it was like old heads that look like they're from middle earth you know like giant beards and they can break your arm by squeezing it and they're suffering their whole

life and they're getting it out there the wives are home and their kids are asleep that i practice and and then there was this young lady with a lot of style and then there was a i'm assuming a a woman a trans woman but young who was going through the transition and had her shirt off so there was like giant bearded men, thong butts, little new boobies. Wow. And it was all happening as I'm kind of kneeling down singing. And I was like, this is a wonderful world we're having. Yeah, that's awesome. It's kind of a trip.

That's so cool. And then I would turn around and we invited our, what we would deem our normal friends or our civilian friends from, we have like lake friends from our house upstate and we had school friends and they came. Oh, that's great. And they were standing behind the amps just like, what the fuck is going on? And my daughter was there. So that was pretty amazing. How old is she?

Nine. Nine? You give her little earplugs and she just sits there? She gets earplugs and she rocks out. She was dancing. She's got a two-step, but she gets it. That's You give her little earplugs and she just sits there? She gets earplugs and she rocks out. She was dancing. She's got a two-step, but she gets it. That's awesome. She's more of a Taylor.

She's Swifty. Is she a little Swifty? Yeah. She'll change. But you know what? She went to go see Taylor Swift when she came to New York. No, she was singing every fucking word like her life depended on it. My wife was videotaping it and she was, like, I got like teary-eyed.

She was singing it like she meant that shit. It's a zeitgeist. It's a whole, it's a, it's a. I'm into it. I got a shirt.

I'm into it. I know every fucking word because it's all I can, I'm allowed to listen to. But, yeah, I know a couple of hardcore guys have been like,

get it, Taylor Swift rules. She does. Billionaire. And she just, and she puts on a fucking show and a half. Yeah.

I saw her dive into the, into the stage. Like there was a hole in the stage and she swam dove a half. Yeah, I saw her dive into the into the stage. Like there was a hole in the stage and she swam dove in it. It's like water and she dives head first into the water stage and disappears. It's crazy. But it's like when you have the ability to do that it's like your imagination is the only thing that's like

holding you back so it's like just do it. I think she's fucking cool. But hardcore actually got that. That was little Nepo kid that I knew. I went to his mother's house back in the day and she was a director and my friend was a director. I can't remember why we were there, but we're having dinner in this really beautiful Manhattan apartment and this was her kid and he now plays guitar for Taylor Swift.

Nice. and this was her kid and he now plays guitar for taylor swift nice and toby from h2o yeah hit me up um because i was like i tried my all a bunch of my cool guys like travis and steve ioki and i said you got to get me into taylor and they were like good luck really i was like fuck come on you guys and um toby was like i don't know i don't know i don't know it's really tough and then he was like yo max max it max is and i was like what and then son matt no no oh he's like max got you no no this dude max who plays guitar for taylor okay was this kid that i had dinner with like 25 years ago and he reached out and he was like yo i, I got you, friends and family list. That's amazing. That's awesome.

And it was like Christmas meets birthday meets the best day ever and we got tickets for my daughter. So her and my wife went. Wow, and she flipped out probably?

She couldn't, she, yeah, she cried a little bit. She was so pumped. Oh, that's so nice. Because it seemed like

it wasn't going to happen. Yeah. Like we were like, you know, like I'll do anything for my kids and, but i was

like i was like hey baby this might not happen yeah like daddy's trying yeah but i got that long reach like i used to we'll see hell yeah but it came through yeah the other night i fucking went we we had the party the halloween party at the house because it you know it's a thing now we have to do it and fourth grade everyone showed up and i to bed at midnight and I got up at 4 a.m. to catch a flight to Gainesville to play on Saturday. Oh, my gosh. Was that fast? Yeah.

And everybody's like, why did you? I'm like, because I got kids and I'm stupid. That's the best. I say yes to everything. Wait, Gainesville is in? Florida. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Less than Jake.

Gainesville. That dude, Chris from Less Than Jake. I was him and Stephen from Descendants. We were all on this plane from Gainesville back to Atlanta together. And he was hyping up the punk rock museum thing to me. Oh, yeah, in Vegas. Yes, about doing like a tour thing. Oh, were you going to do it? together and he was hyping up the punk rock museum thing to me oh yeah in vegas yes about doing like a tour thing so we're gonna go you're gonna do it i don't know that's i feel like it's pure suffering yeah in vegas i have to we're gonna play punk rock bowling for the first time

um because they yeah they've hit me up for years about it but the offers were never where they should be and then the COVID thing happened and they wanted, you know. Vegas is rough too. It's a rough place to hang. Yeah, we're playing there. We're doing a week in Vegas. A week?

A week. February to March. I'm going to kill myself. Ian loves it because he can smoke inside, don't I? Yeah, it's the best. I can just rip butts all day. It just reminds me of my childhood. Fucking jam on the penny slots.

It helps. I got a couple machines figured out. It's going to be a nightmare. Maybe we'll be there at the same time. When are you going to Vegas? Whenever this is, whenever punk rock bowling is. Okay. It just seems, I don't know.

It seems it's not the punkest thing to me. It seems a little sterile. Yeah. Festivals are like that these days, you know? Yeah, yeah. Lots of barricades. Tied Down didn't feel that way. No, Tied Down was Thunderdome.

Tied Down, yeah, that was like the real deal. That was wild. It was like, this is rusty metal and cement. Good luck. Yes. Good luck. That was in Philly. No, Tied Down was in Detroit.

And it looked like the inside of Shredder's Lair. What's the Philly one where Bane closed in? This is Hardcore. Oh, how was that? I can never go because I'm always on tour. So, this is Hardcore is always good. Yeah,der's Lair. What's the Philly one where Bane closed in? This is Hardcore. Oh, how was that? I can never go because I'm always on tour. This is Hardcore is always good. Yeah, it's the best. Joe runs it great. Joe's the best.

I heard that it's just crazy because it's just morning till dark. Well, it's a rough one to headline because, you know, it's like, alright, get psyched. You've been here for 12 hours. How's your cardio? That's wild. You know what I mean? So it's like.

How many, how many shows do you play in a festival? Usually just like one. One big one. Yeah. Oh, but you've been chilling going to shows for that long. Oh yeah.

I mean, I've been, I, we've played, this is hardcore. Joe said, I think this year we have the record for the most. Really?

Like headlining. This is hardcore. Like four or five over since like 2000 and whatever and you go you hang you go to the shows and then you perform it depends it depends like i'll sometimes like i'll go in day of and then i'm out the next day yeah and then sometimes i'll like we me and my wife and all of us went to Chicago for Riot Fest. My mother-in-law watched the kids, and we went for the whole weekend because it was Foo Fighters, The Cure, We Played, and Queens of the Stone Age, and Postal Service.

It was a real crazy mix. Yeah, they just did a run. I was going to go to that. Oh, yeah. I remember. The Night Year Special came mix. Yeah, they just did a run. I was going to go to that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember. The Night Year Special came out.

Yeah, I heard it was great. Yeah, it was great. But it was cool. So we stayed at this nice hotel and had an adult weekend of rock. Oh, that's great. That's awesome. Our festivals are different. Our festivals are like the hang is so fun because we're all in the same place. Yes.

Because we're always touring on the weekend. But the shows suck. But the shows are like, some of them, you do like a seven minute set. They fly you out to like Austin or somewhere. You do a seven minute set and you're like, I came all the way. Dude, there's like famous comedians waiting in line to go up for seven minutes with four people in the audience. It's great. But the hangs are elite and so fun.

It's the best. It's like summer camp. It's like, and then the best is we all fly back together. So we're on. That's Ian's favorite part. My favorite part is how like 10 of us are on the same flight. And when they walk by, we have like,

have, well, punching in the balls and farting. Oh yeah. Yeah. And grabbing my friends and like sitting on my lap, you know, it's great.

It seems like, what? It seems like, um, like that's where you just, know steal sharpen steal you just on 10 you guys are just fucking being as quick as possible i remember having um i had my friend is uh he was i guess he's everything's comedian he's an actor and his best friend was a director his name's uh don Logue. He was, you know Donald? He's an actor, but he's very fucking funny.

He made a lot of characters. He did Jimmy the Cab Driver for MTV. Yes, with those glasses. That was the best. I remember that. And his friend Jesse, they were roommates. They both went to Harvard together

and they had a loft down in Tribeca and I became friends with them through some people and loved them. And they were always, it was always so fun to be with them because it was just quick all day. And like, if you couldn't keep people would just like leave the table because they couldn't keep up.

Yeah. It's like a poker game. Yeah. It's awesome. It's great. That is so much fun. The skills. And we,

I mean, when we were going around at Skank Fest and we went to Dick's or Dick's Last Resort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember when we went here? It's like the most fun. And then you're walking, you pick up friends and you're all in a pack together. It's crazy. Like when we were in Austin.

It is a whole, it's like an alternate reality. And everything, you're right, it is slinging bits constantly the entire time. And anytime you start to drop off and you're like, oh my God, I don't think I can sling a bit for another. You just, we all just start napping, get back up, ready to go at it again. My friend Russell used to do comedy and him and Dominic Cinesi, whose dad is a famous actor, but Dominic had done some stuff. He was, he was very quick and Donald and they would all just, we'd just be at restaurants. We'd be at Lucky Strike and they would just be like finishing each other's jokes and just we're just all night just funny

and just quick with it it's the best yeah when you can get on like that when you're in the when you're in the flow but sometimes I realize my brain is broken and I can't turn it off sometimes

yeah sometimes I'm crying and I'm like hey my friend died and Ian's like well better dead than alive it ain't me it's skippity doodah yeah it's

yeah it's oh we're at 90 minutes okay oh I'm sorry no this is great no it's great we want you at 90 minutes Oh, I'm sorry No, it's great, we want you to live here with us Yeah, can you move in? Yeah, I can stay This is fold out

Oh, nice, yeah, my mom just got us Those pillows, too Nice of her That was a nice gift Good job, mom And my brain is broken That was a nice gift. Good job, mom. And my brain is broken. God damn this brain.

I just can't not say anything. My mom got us this gift. I know, I know. That's the thing too. It's like the second there's space to fill, I'm like, hey, here's another thing about the overshare. Ha ha. Yeah. I hurt my penis the other night.

I was like, what? You ever hurt your penis it's really bad it's fine with us but it's like crazy I can't I can't control it at all where was I recently oh I was just on a podcast with these two other women and I forgot that I wasn't with Ian

and one of them said something she said something about like sex and I just threw it I was like oh I recently had somebody blow a load on sex and I just threw it. I was like, Oh, I recently had somebody blow a load in me and I squeezed it out while I was making eye contact with them. Like,

and both the women were like, just, and we're just like, and I was like, Oh, I forgot. Like we got to reboot this. What'd she just say?

It's crazy. I mean, I are, before you got here, we were having dueling farts. My friend the other day Was talking about Fucking a woman With a stinky vagina

And while he was talking He's driving a car I retran into my vagina And just go like this to him And he was like What are you doing? And I was like Yep

I'm so sorry He's like How did you know? How did you do that? I had a friend A friend of mine At the shop one time He was just like

He's like You've been in a relationship For a long time right? And I'm like yeah And he's just like You're lucky And I'm was just like he's like you've been in a relationship for a long time right and i'm like yeah he's just like you're lucky and i'm like why he's like a lot of girls i've been with lately pussy smell like burnt tires yeah and i was like what is i'm telling you i wonder what it is diet i agree yeah i think it's but also there's a lot of waxing going on, a lot of lasering. It could smell like burnt tires because they just had their skin lasered.

Women describe it. It did smell like burnt, like chicken skin. It was tires. So I don't know. I'm going to go dye it or. Maybe. They're fucking,

they're not wet enough and they're using condoms. My friend said garbage. My friend was like, pussy be smelling like garbage. Are you hanging out with Chris Rock? He didn't say that. He said trash. He said like trash. I've been fortunate.

Real good. You're a serial cigarette smoker, so your smell is broken. You're probably peering. You could be tackling some stinky dirty pussy. I can't tell. I just add a little salt and it tastes great. It's all good. It's alright. I mean, hey. It dirty pussy. I can't tell. I just add a little salt and it tastes great. It's all good. It's alright. I mean, hey.

It's pussy. Edit the thing I said about salt. It was not funny. Don't edit anything. And we're going to end the pod on pussy pussy. You think the salt was the worst thing you said that wasn't funny? How dare you!

Let's talk about how Gail bought pillows for the couch again. Shut up, bitch. Mommy, Gail. I love my mommy and I love pussy. Okay. Nothing weird with that statement.

Love you, mom. Nailed it. This is the best, dude. I am so grateful you came and hung out My pleasure Plug up whatever you want Talk about the book You know what

A friend of mine Who read it and helped me edit it He said It's not a book about Tour It's an adventure story And I thought that was, you know,

I was like, and that is pretty goddamn good. This is you as a little boy. That's me as on. That's when I got back from tour. Roger gas. Oh yeah. You're emaciated.

You've been through the Holocaust. There's no food. My dad, when I got home, I had a bleach blonde crew cut. I was about 130 pounds This height And my mom cried when she saw me And I was like

I'm fucking ripped I'm so fucking Forget it I'm fucking killing you I'm wiry right now And my dad went Jesus Christ You look like you just got out of the Holocaust

Yeah Yeah I mean you Your cheekbones are jutting out I'm pretty You look like you're sucking on pebbles I have I underlined

something you said that, uh, really hit me in your book. You said, I learned for, I learned to fear very little except the fact that me and my friends were unstoppable. If we choose to do something, yes. Deciding to be a person who would design his own future and destiny, not follow the pack and do what others had planned for him. If mistakes were made, there would be my own. And I would accept my fate money and material objects would not define our worth. He reads the whole book. Actions and deeds would count more than words and empty promises.

Isn't that beautiful? I wrote that? Yeah. That's pretty solid. Pretty good. It's not as good as, you know, Porcel, but, you know. I got you back. Yeah, go out and get this book.

It's amazing. Tribal Publishing. I'm trying to think like people are like, where do you get it? Tribal Publishing has it. There's a link in my IG bio. But if you enjoy the 80s and suffering and adventure, check out the book. And hardcore. And the beginnings

of hardcore across the country. That's one thing I'll add. Youth It Today, this whole thing basically was, for me, I saw the original seeds being planted and through telephone calls and letters before the internet, kids were calling each

other and saying, these guys are fucking coming to your town. You have to fucking go. These guys are coming to your state. You have to go. By the time we got to California, it was changed. It was like the first Warped Tour. Same thing.

We started on the East Coast and it was cool. And by the time we got to California, it was like 5,000 people where it was like 1,000 people. That's amazing. That must have been wild to go and see incremental,

like in each town. You can see it. Like, why are we popular? And it's all just word of mouth it's like two weeks ago we were like this sucks and now it's like oh my god we're fucking killing it that's so cool but it's the word it's still you know it's like

campfire it's word of mouth it's stories being passed down and it's so wild that you have so many pictures I'm a bit of a hoarder and I love any kind of ephemera yeah me too I save scraps of paper that you finally put it out and you had it all i know i just sitting there and sitting there and just my well my friend who did the book with me patrick he's a german hardcore nerd and he moved to the states

and he started publishing books and a mutual friend said he said something like patrick would step over his dead mother to put this book out with you hell yeah and then five minutes later i got a text i want to put i killed my mother and i stepped over and now we're doing it yeah so i needed um i needed someone to spur me on with it and like trying to champion me to do it. Oh, hell yeah. That's great. And also my wife was super like, you know, these stories are too good. You have to share this. So I needed a little, cause I'm busy. And is it just straight up journals or you rewrote? I rewrote.

The journals were pretty. They were informing the memory. They were informing the memory and they were, yeah, they were pretty stupid. An 18 year old. It was like. I fucked a pussy tonight. Not even that cool year old. It was like I fucked a pussy tonight. Not even that cool. I wish. I wish I fucked a pussy. I smelled a

pussy tonight. A girl put her fingers in my shit. I jerked off the pussy again tonight. I'm not gay. I did it. I was thinking of pussy. I'm not gay tonight. It worked. I'm not gay tonight. Who knows about tomorrow? Everyone else thought I was gay tonight but I wasn't. But no, yeah, I think

I went the whole tour with maybe two or three makeouts. There was no pussy. Wow. I'm not a, I wasn't, I was never like a takedown strange on like one night. I know, but sometimes women can just be, I'm going to take down your strange. I wish. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Well, you saw what I was like. Maybe because you were emaciated.

Yeah, I know. They're like, I'll kill that guy. And they're like, I don't want to go to jail. I'll kill that guy. I don't want to go to jail. Instead of having sex, just eat this sandwich, please. They were like, just go steal another burrito. Jordan, what do you got to plug? I don't know when this is coming out, but jordangensoncomedy.com Please buy tickets, right?

Just go on right now. Ianfidance.com December 3rd, Sunday, New York city, the cutting room. I'm filming my first special two shows, seven and nine 30 PM. I'm going to make a little announcement at the beginning of this episode. So it'll be another reminder.

Sunday, December 3rd, cutting room. I'm going to be there. Yes. Yes. I'm going to stay. No,

no, I'm going to stage dive during your stage dive during my set. I can't wait. I'm coming to Louisville, Kentucky, Pittsburgh, Improv, Philly, all over Sacramento, San Francisco. Oh, my God. Seattle, Portland. Let's go. IanFightAnts.com, Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod.

We're doing movie watch-alongs. We're hanging out. Lots of fun. World tour. World tour. World tour World tour World tour Yes And you know what My room's a mess

And I can't get dressed I gotta be out by 8am Vermont Rochester Syracuse Albany I'm gonna start today Alright go

Talk Talk Thanks guys Bye Bye Thanks for having me Bye Thanks for having me. Bye.