Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 071: Weaponize The Homeless W/ Dave Temple & Derek Gaines

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian, life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. With Jordan.

Ah, come on, you can do it. Blow, woman. Yes. Shana Tova. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. Sunday, December 3rd. I'm filming my first special at ianfidance.com for tickets to Cutting Room, New York City. Make sure you go out. I got a whole bunch of new dates on my website

JordanJensenComedy.com If you don't see your city please sign up for the email on my link tree. Yes. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod We're doing fun stuff. I got a whole new hour. You guys gotta come see it. Okay. Our guests today

Are The wonderful The Philly funky fellas Derek and blending into the couch Dave Temple AKA Black Kramer Let me smile so you can see me Yeah

Oh What's going on? Correct No because you got the You got the gold in the gold It's gold on gold. You guys look great. Gold all over my watch.

I know. I know, yeah. Take a pic of that. That is good. The way that your skin matches the wood paneling and your outfits then match the 70s. Yes, and your two pants match. Don't we look like we're just three cool hip undercover cops?

22 Drum Street. I look like I'm a 90s robber from like a New York movie. The bandana under the hat. Well, I look like my line should be like, give me a wallet. Yeah. Yeah, you like Thorne White from Seinfeld. Give me a wallet. You are an undercover cop.

Do either of you guys happen to have any dope? Yeah. Hey, you guys happen to have any dope? Hey you guys look like dopers Give me Man I saw the funniest guy outside the cellar the other night He was just going up to a woman and being like Do you want any cocaine? And they were like no And he was like alright you don't have to be mean just because I'm black

It is 7pm and I have a long night of work ahead of me No way But it was crushed I was laughing so hard And then he kept doing it just for my benefit. Yeah. So funny. That's funny. Yeah.

I love when they go black first and then tag it up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my favorite is when the homeless guy goes, can I get my,

I go, no. And he goes, what? You don't like black people? What are you racist? I go, I am.

Yeah. I like the new guy. See, I think I know the guy you're talking about. It's the one with the cloudy eye. Of course. Oh,

yeah. He pulls up on us and says can I get some change And we say no See that's wrong with the community today brother See black people don't want I'm like no you smell like shit I told him that I was having an abortion So I was talking to Matty Smith

And he came up and he was like Can I have money and I was like no And he was like racist and I was like I am talking to my friend about a serious issue And he was like well what could be so serious And I was like I'm having an abortion And he pulled out a cross and he was like, can I have money? And I was like, no. And he was like, racist. And I was like, I am talking to my friend about a serious issue. And he's like, well, what could be so serious? And I was like, I'm having an abortion. And he's like, that's, and he pulled out a cross. And he was like, God would hate that. And I was like, you think I don't know that?

You think I don't know that God hates me? That's what I'm dealing with. And Matty was like, it's okay. And he's like, oh, you got him. The little kids that ask for money for candy. I've just started to go. I can't, I'm diabetic. Yeah.

And one of them said, I don't give a shit. I was like, oh. Those kids are wild. Those kids are so funny. He has the best one, and I use it now when people come up and ask for change. And he'd be like, not for you. You knew better. Oh, God.

That was a really good impression. That was a great charade. Not for you, nigga. That was a great charade. Now for you, nigga. That was a great charade. Now make a white girl feel uncomfortable. Now for you. Come here, Jordan. What?

Come here. What? Jordan. Jordan. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're triggering me.

Jordan Jensen. And I go like this, and I'm like, hi, charade. Why are you so obsessed with me Jordan oh my god dude how are you doing that Uncle Sherrod

wild wait it's so that is Sherrod it's making me have dread in my head yeah I just watch him it's hilarious wait do another one

do um Uncle Sherrod do um hydrate jokes only work if you know shit jokes only work if you know shit. Jokes only work when you know shit. Or when he says Jordan in his joke a million times.

Jordan, Jordan. I got you. I got you. I know what you like. Oh, my God. Yo, every time I'm at the cellar and I see Artie or Sherrod with white women, they pull them into wherever they are, like at the end of a league or a field of dreams when they go into the cornfield and they just disappear.

Yeah. Yeah, man. It's fucking wild. It is wild the way that they, like, I want to know those white women so badly. I'm just curious, like, what is your life? What do you do during the day that you allow black men to handle you like this at night and you just win?

Manhandle you. I know. Dude. I know. Dude. I don't mind these girls. They can fuck these women. The women can put themselves in that scenario. What I hate is when Artie parks one of the girls in the booth and then she's standing like this and you

get off stage and she's like, that was so good. My name's Genevieve and I'm like, this is a safe space for me. That's the Artie train. The train of Artie girls. I snap on all of them. All y'all part of the Artie train. And then of Artie girls I snap on all of them Yeah All y'all part of the Artie train Yeah

And then they change out There's some shifts Some of them be mixed Some of them be white Some of them be Asian Some of them be Ukrainian Some of them be Asian They come out and shift

So you be like Oh this is the Artie train This is the second train This is the B This is the B leagues I always hang out with Artie Whenever I come to New York Sometimes

That's when There was a best Artie drama There's Oh yeah There's I was there I'm doing Arty whenever I come to New York. There was a best Arty drama. There's, oh yeah. There's, I was there. Were you? Yeah, I said something. When?

I'll tell you. There was, there's, my favorite. Hello. My favorite thing is when one of Arty and Sherrod's girls tries to swing dick with their name when they're not there and Val gets so upset. Like some girl came in and was like, yeah, well, Sherrod told me I could be here. And Val's like, Sherrod is not here tonight.

Yeah. I've seen men do that also. Like, well, Sherrod said it's cool. And it's like, yo, bro. I think Sherrod has recommended half of New York City's female open micers to the cellar. Oh, wow. I mean, the amount of girls that have been like, yeah, I'm going to like try. And I'm like, who recommend you?

And they're like, Sherrod. And I'm like, oof. And then they go on stage like, I'm single, so that's a thing. Every single one of them. Jordan is not good. You're good at calling that out because there was that one time when Bobby Lee brought that girl to the table

and she was sitting there and you were the main one to be like, excuse me, were you with Bobby? I was like, oh my God, it was so great. I was like, are you fucking Bobby? And she was like, no. And she was like, why does everybody think that?

And I was like, because you're not wearing a shirt. And you came in here and sat down at the comics table with bobby so it just looks like you're having sex with him i'm too mean i'm like almost autistic no it wasn't me you were genuinely asking because she had no shirt on she had half a shirt i was like that's why we think you're fucking the barstool dude right right i know it was i know i know i know you used to do that girl that no i think i'm oh shit i think i know the I know. Ian used to date that girl. No. Oh, shit. I think I know the girl he told her. Yeah, so I went up to Bobby and I was chewing gum.

I go, hey, man, obviously, like, live your best life. I do not care, but I'm chewing this old piece of gum. When I'm done with it, do you want it? Nice. Swoosh. I just was like. He wasn't. They're not.

Hilarious. Don't be shocked. I know. I like the fact too. He whispered in her ear, but he had the microphone, so it's totally audible on the show. Now we whisper a lot. People don't know whispers. Oh, shit. Did you whisper into the mic? He had the microphone

to your ear. It was like... Heard the first and last name is this. What you want to tell him? How do you want to cover her ear with the mic? I did not sleep much last night.

Good for you. I knew that you didn't. I said to Ethan, I bet that he stayed up all night playing Spider-Man. How'd you know? Because it was still on. The TV was on.

But you're only 5% in, so you weren't really playing. Dude, you have a problem. He's not good at video games. Derek, I'm bad at video games. I used to watch you and Feeney and Zagalo on Twitch. Really? Yeah.

During the pandemic. Oh, yeah. And it was so funny because they're so mean to Ian, and Ian's playing, and he's just like a person running into a wall being like, well, I still don't have a dad. So I was dying. That's why you made a video game. I would be like, do you guys want to go around and say what each of us are grateful for?

You're dying. Ian's good for that. Ian, yeah, he brings a certain emotional level to everything he does. I remember when Ian wanted to work out in the park with us and start crying when we was doing yoga and shit. Start crying. We was doing concrete and shit start crying we was doing concrete yoga like men and this motherfucker was trying to get over a breakup came out start

crying while he's working out about the pull-ups and shit he was i hear the thing i just i did not know how to support ian the way he needed to be supported that day and i was just like oh you have to sleep in his bed You have to go to his house and sleep in his bed. That's how you can support him. You have to big spoon him. That's what he's asking for. I legit answered last night if there are prostitutes but for hugs. It's fucked up.

There are hunkers but for swaddling. Yeah, but it's all fat dudes. Dude, I just got a 50-inch TV. Nice. We're going to watch movies. Yeah. And then you can sleep over. Yeah.

Make sure you rip the box up and put it in the trash in small pieces. Good call. Why? Because they'll charge you, right? No. No. Because people will break into your house and then you got to do new TV. Shit.

Really smart. Whoa. Don't throw the box out. Welcome back to Hood Knowledge with Dave Temple. Hood Knowledge. Dave taught me. You put a big old TV box out there. Oh, somebody just came up.

Dave taught me that when you go to the hospital, give a fake name and they still have to give you medical care. You were with us for that. Yes. He was with us. That was a great night, wasn't it? Yep, that was wild. Yeah, we went to a deli afterwards.

And remember we ate at that little restaurant. We were so mad because Yam had made this amazing friendsgiving dinner and it ended in disaster that macaroni and cheese smelled so good why can't you eat it? there was a fight, someone got stabbed I got them stitched up without having to pay for it I got thrown into a lampshade

you lost $35 because you bought a controller you couldn't get the money back, yeah it was bad it was a wild day slow down, slow down you bought a controller that you couldn't get the money back. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. Slow down. You bought a controller that you couldn't return? That's what you take out of the store. So like a whole stand. And she said, wait, he bought a controller.

I'm like, yeah. With them here, people are getting stabbed. He's jogging. He's jogging the health care system. Someone are getting stabbed. He's jogging. He's jogging the healthcare system. Someone's getting stabbed. Why did that get thrown in there? He was like, so-and-so got stabbed. You bought a controller. You couldn't return. That's why I'm asking about it.

Why is that in there? She got one piece. Go. Tell her. Because we had a game night and there was an argument over something. I go, look, stop. The argument was over who's getting the controller. And I was like, we could go get a new controller.

Yeah. So I went, and I was like, I'll go buy it. You guys give me money when I get back. Oh, this? Yeah. Okay, okay. So I go get the controller. Everything's fine.

I don't know. I'm walking into World War fucking three. Oh, there's a fight? I go in. Tensions are high. Money is passed from one hand to the other. Someone doesn't give enough money

to give back to me. Argument, argument. Money gets thrown in someone's face. A fucking clock comes and knocks someone in the teeth and then all hell breaks loose. People try to break it up.

I get thrown into a lamp and then someone goes into the kitchen and gets a butcher's knife and comes out and slashes to his face. I'm pretty sure that might have been yum.

It's my life! So then Reggie's bleeding. We're all like what the fuck? Not conquest. Ding dong at the door. Pat Brown and fucking Alzo have a crumb cake. We're here for the dinner party.

People were coming in with more dishes. We're like, the party's canceled. We had to go to Lenox Hill Medical Center. Is this real? This is real. What made it even funnier was Derek had some flown in male oiler bride that he was chauffeuring around for the summer.

I had a girl from London with me. I had a girl from London watch this whole thing. She had her bags with her. She was literally about to leave, like going to the airport from here. So this was like her last memory. I remember you had to like take her to the airport. Yeah, and I remember that night ended with me and you in some diner in Harlem or Delhi

having some sandwiches before we turned back to it. And then I was like Who started the fight? I'm just nervous I have an audition at a club tonight and everyone's like oh dude you're gonna kill it that's great don't be worried where at? And I go Greenwich Village Comedy Club and you're like who gives a shit?

It matters to me So I had to go on stage I'm from Delaware This was a while ago. Long, long time ago. Maybe six years ago. Yeah, something like that. 2015, 2015.

It was fun, though. It was fun. Were you guys throwing punches? No. No, we were separating people. Two people. And yeah, and then somebody came in with a knife, and then that's when everything was like,

all right, wait a minute. Well, what happened was there was a big scuffle. We're being vague to protect the guilty, basically. And there was pushing apart of like, whoa, whoa. And everyone's like, whoa, calm down. Let's get our bearings. But then a little slippery salamander went into the kitchen and did some knife chopping and just came out like a tomahawk Indian.

Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And this, I will give them the benefit of the doubt they were trying to scare it was just really like you're really bad this is why you don't do this this is why you don't get a knife and go I'm not fucking around because people get cut

it was Reggie's fault he tried to block himself by going huh and you know the knife slipped Reggie was fighting I can't imagine that. Reggie was trying to break it up. Reggie's like, chill. Yeah, yeah. I think it was a thing of like, get the fuck away.

Everything was so that it kind of went forward. Oh, I would have fainted immediately. It was an accident. Eric went full on 3PO. Oh, shit. There's blood everywhere. There's blood everywhere. A knife sticking out of Reggie's head and I'm like, can I get my

$35 back? Why would the Jew voice? Let's get down to what really matters. And then my stupid hoodlum ass, I'm like, dude, take his wallet and his cash, send him in with no ID, just give him a fake name. You're bleeding. They have to sew you up

first and then just give him fake information and you'll get the fuck out. Reggie gave him fake names and everything. God out. I remember the fake name. Here's the sad part. What was it? Was it Dan Aderman? You think it was a fake name? No. Reggie just gave his brother's name.

That's right. He's so uncreative. He just gave his brother's name. That's right. That's right. Reggie, he's so uncreative. He got shook. He just gave his brother's personal information. He just got scared. Jesus Christ. Seggy Ron Quest. This nigga's scared.

That's what happened. Yeah. That was a wonderful day. And it was a Sunday afternoon. Yep. It was a beautiful day. It was a beautiful day. It was kind of like today

Literally I'm walking back I love my life, I love my friends Nothing will ever go wrong The girl I was with She saw all that shit And I was like wow I don't think we ever saw her again after that She never came back

Americans are crazy That was a 90 day fiance that did not work out. That did not last 90 days. Wow. Is everybody made peace now? Oh, yeah. My friends are really fine. Everybody?

Yeah. I decided to let it cool off for a minute. It had to cool off for a little while. It's like a pie. Just put it on the windowsill. You know, money and motherfuckers get famous. Everybody need wings. Yeah.

Meet up in the same spot. Wings do kind of solve it. Yeah. Wings kind of solve it. I'm surprised the food that y'all made didn't solve it all. We never got to eat it. The second shift of that party got all that food. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. The comment down peace pipe party. Whatever. When the second shift came in. The second shift came in and ate all that goddamn food up. It's okay. Let's just have a meal and relax. Meanwhile, we're at the hospital using fake names

and fucking trying to find outlets to charge our phones. We was out there, but the second shift got all that food that we was smelling. Wow. God, it was delicious.

Damn, that food smelled so good. I was like, fuck, we ain't get to have none of it. What happened to the British girl? Did she leave with you? Yeah, I had to take her

to the airport. Like literally, her flight was scheduled for that afternoon. She just came to the dinner as one last thing to do before leaving. It was funny. She had her suitcase and everything. That was her last came to the dinner as one last thing to do before leaving. It was funny, too.

She had her suitcase and everything. That was her last experience in the States. I love America. And your friends. And make sure Reggie is good and all that bullshit. Wow. And you never? I never saw her again.

Wow. She went back to London and then got with an African dude that knows about my American ways. And he don't like that she still know me type shit. Oh, man. It's pretty wild. What is this? What is this? Rook-ass game show.

What is this man? This joker man you did with. What is this popping lock he doing? Is he locksmith? Is popping lock? This is how you make money. Yeah, it was. Yeah, man. Wow. What you make money. Yeah, it was... Yeah, man.

But wow, what a good time. Oh, it was a blast. Memories. See, that's why I love New York. Come out here, all my friends that I got to come up from Philly, and this is what was happening. We in Harlem, trying to get a motherfucker stitched up. Medical attention using a fake name.

I just have all the people. Reggie is such a little sweetie pie teddy bear. That's why you went out there. It was a little hard. Stop, y'all. Stop. Yeah, sent him out there like a little Sweetie pie teddy bear That's why you went out there Yeah Stop y'all Stop Yeah Send him out there

Like a little peace bear What Oh my god Nope You can get it too Are you a fainter I'm not I just was mad

I saw blood on the ground When we were supposed To be eating mac and cheese Yeah I was just like fuck I know And delicious Sunday yams And she had yams

She made a ham So it was like a scuffle People fighting And then the It was like a scuffle, people fighting. It was like a huge dust up. It was not an intentional thing. It was basically like pulling a gun out to be like, everybody

relax! And accidentally pulling the trigger and someone gets shot. Furniture was being moved. I literally got stuck and I got shoved into a... Sorry. I got, I go stop! And I got shoved into a, sorry, I got shoved into a lamp and I went, oh! It was to the point where a piggy bank

full of change broke and there was nickels in there. And now it's funny to just watch a piggy bank. That slide all over the floor and that's a big slippery situation. Yeah, now you're slipping on down. It was a fucking day. I was like, oh yeah, is going to be a debrief You know how you drive in the car quiet

And go what the fuck It's just ironic because it's Thanksgiving right No this was a Sunday in September We just tried to have like a friendly house party Just trying to get everybody together First there was arguments So there was arguments over the controller And then arguments over that

And then there were arguments over the rules of the game. Yeah. It was like, well, I played it this way. That's what started it. You played this way. Yep.

Yep. There's been physical fights in my family because of the game, because of a charades game. It gets intense. Yeah. It's intense. Games will do it. Yeah.

The cheating thing. If somebody cheats. Oh, that's the problem. Oh yeah. I was just at a, I was just at a funeral Friday, Saturday in Philly. there was a fight at the

game got out of hand really yeah someone died not my side so my uncle this is my mom's brother who passed away but this is like his wife's side like they got into something in the basement of the church looked over we seen everything and it was like okay well that's not any of my people so we went upstairs and went outside to call an Uber and like two minutes later, like another door just bust open and they all just come falling out into the street

fighting and they're just like, wow, this is like intense. Adults. Yeah, and you get it. My mom always was like, any time you watch adults fight, it's like, yo, this is really happening right now.

It's usually alcohol. I've never watched like sober people fight in the middle of the day. Speaking of adults fighting, I was on long island friday in town 35 seconds all-american burger and an old man tried to fight me in line really vietnam vet hat on he was missing a tooth he had an oxygen tank he butted in front of me i

was like excuse me sir there's a line he goes well you just standing there doing nothing i go yeah but i'm still online. So he went. So I ordered. He comes up. He goes, thanks a lot, pal. And I go, for what? He goes, taking your damn time. I go, man, get the fuck out of here.

He goes, you want to do something about it? I go, what the fuck are you going to do? And he goes, well, you want to go outside? And I go, well, I'm going out there anyway to leave. And some guy goes, respect him. He was a vet. And I go, Vietnam. He was probably drafted. Damn. And then guy goes, respect him. He was a vet. And I go, Vietnam. He was probably drafted.

Damn. And then he didn't like that. What'd he do? He was probably drafted. He was kind of like, that kind of settled it. You know what's crazy, Ian? When you set it up, I was curious. I was like, I wonder what Ian did.

And then he got to it. And he was like, yeah, you're not taking your time. I'm like, yeah, that sounds like Ian. But that's not no reason for an old man To try to fight me I told the guy to relax I'm not gonna fight a guy With a fucking pacemaker Ian is the guy

That'll hold up The pizza line Putting up all the seasonings He won't move over Yeah yeah yeah He's not a motherfucker Just take his box Open it up

Alright crush reds Alright garlic Alright parmesan Yo move to the fucking side I had a girl I had a girl Try to do that with me At Joe's Pizza the other night. You just moved to.

Where she tried to unload at the counter and stay there. She was. This shit. This goofy shit. I'm like, just move to the left. Oh, God, I hate this fucking. What do they do? Because they park in front of the spices.

They park where the register and the slices. So you know where the line is. It's at the register. Yeah. So now I can't get because the soda machine is over here. Yeah. So now I can't get around because you. Are you Joe's or Ben's right now?

Joe's. Which one does that the most? Ben's does it. Joe's does it the most. Joe's does it the most. Joe's though, at least like the one Joe's in Brooklyn, they're smart enough to put the things over this counter behind the thing. Like,

you know, the outside window with the shelf. Yeah. They put the spices there. That way it's away from the counter. That's the only one. Oh, and you ever had to reach,

you had to have a reach to the five eyebrows to get the Parmesan. Oh, I love that. That's about to be a race war right here. Cause it'd be like five, five eyebrows surrounding the Parmesan. As a six foot two black man, I love to lean in

and just go, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. I did that to a woman once I leaned in and took a straw because she was taking up

the whole Starbucks thing and she goes, say excuse me and I was like, what the fuck did you just say to me? And she said, say excuse me

and I was like, I am reaching delicately. You're on the phone. I don't want to fucking interrupt you. Also, I'm not your child. You don't get to rear me. You don't like, I am reaching delicately. You're on the phone. I don't want to fucking interrupt you. Also, I'm not your child. You don't get to rear me. You don't get to tell me how to behave.

Can't rear me. And you're taking up the whole fucking thing. So I'm going to reach if you fucking move. And we got into a huge fight. Ronan, poor Ronan, was standing like three feet away. And he was like, stop, stop, stop. You're on Hirshberg. You never know what to do when the person you're with gets into like a petty altercation with somebody.

And you're just like, well, I'm just going to stay here like a sidekick. Let me know when you guys have finished that. Yeah. I get in so many altercations. It's insane. Yeah, so I was right in the right. That guy was a dick to me. He just was a veteran who expected you to just be like, yes, sir. No, fuck that.

Have you guys seen the new homeless guy at the cellar who can't figure out, he gets too overwhelmed when people walk by to ask the question. He's a the new homeless guy at the cellar who can't figure out? He gets too overwhelmed when people walk by to ask the question. He's a brand new homeless guy. Old, white. He walks by and you go, he's like, and then you're already gone. Have you seen him? You'll see him.

He's a new. We have gibberish, right? The guy who's like, we all go, I don't have a dollar. That's a wheelchair guy. No, no, no. No, wheelchair guy. That's a young black dude. And he goes all around. And we all say, I don't have money. And That's the wheelchair guy. No, no, no. No, wheelchair guy. That's young black dude. And he goes all around.

And we all say, I don't have money. And then he turns to the next person and goes, eh. And I realize that he thinks, he probably thinks he's speaking correctly because we all just respond to him normally. Because he's like, I don't have any money. And we're like, sorry, I don't have any money. Yeah. They're doing a lot of looking.

Do you remember Bird Guy? Bird Guy. Yeah, Bird Guy. And he'd be like, pay a quarter for the homeless. And they'd be like, what? No, he's Bird guy. The guy with the bird. And he'd be like, I had to court her for the homeless. And they'd be like, Bird! No, he's old. Wait, but the guy that would have like the signs

for the veterans and shit like that? I hate that guy because I see, I used to see him on the A train in Brooklyn and like once we're going through Bed-Stuy and it's all black people on a train, he's quiet as a mouse. He'd be cold switching. What happened to L train guy? Does quiet as a mouse. He'd be cold switching. Oh, man. What happened to L-Train guy?

Does anybody have a fucking dollar? He is not looking good. He's still alive? Very skinny. Very, very skinny. I think he's sick. He's probably on Ozempic. But he is...

Probably what? On Ozempic. He probably makes a lot of money. Prescriptions have been written. He's like, oh, nobody's gonna give me a dollar. Oh, yeah. And everybody's gonna walk by. Oh, my. Wolves nobody's going to give me a dollar. Oh, yeah. And everybody's just going to walk by.

What were you raised by? Wolves. And one time I went, ow. Oh, my God. They don't know what to do with that. You ever see the one that tried to pull out your gill strings? There's the gill string guy. Oh, yeah.

He'd be like, just look at me like I'm a person. I'd be like, oh, God. Yo, dude, my favorite was this trans chick with tattoos all over her face. She was pulling this before the pandemic. It was like, it's hard to get work because of transfers and blah, blah. That didn't work. Then during the pandemic, she was like, I got fired because of COVID and for being trans. And I'm like, lady, fuck you tattooed on your forehead.

It's not because you're trans. It's because you're unemployable. And there's a little girl who came up to me and Ian the other day and she walks up to him and she's like, she's cute,

but she's on meth and she's like, and she waddles up and she's like, can I have some money? And Ian's like, no, but you can have a cigarette.

And she goes, she goes, I smoke crack. And me and Ian lost our minds. Ian goes, ah, crack. And me and Ian lost our minds. Ian goes, ah, well, good luck.

Yeah, she goes, she was like, do you want a cigarette? I smoke crack. I call her Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy? I be calling her Tom Hardy when she be running around.

I be like, Tom Hardy's, he's working on a role. I be like, he's a deep character. I be like, the little Tom Hardy, little Spider-Man girl.

Hilarious. Yeah, she be running around crazy. I be like, it's Tom Hardy running around with'd be like, the little Spider-Man girl. Hilarious. She'd be running around crazy. I'd be like, I'm already running around with the dreads. She's dirty, yeah. Isn't giving a homeless person a cigarette kind of cruel? Because it's just going to make them hungry. Die!

What? No. It's going to make them die faster. If I was homeless and I was having a hard time, I'd want someone to give me a cigarette. I'm saying cigarettes literally make you hungry. I always give the homeless cigarettes. I won't give them. Although, there's a homeless guy by the old stand.

His name is Perry. He's a sweetheart. And when I got it, I give it. And sometimes I've given him just $100 to be like, hey, take care. He's a good guy. Perry, he's a sweet guy. Okay. He gets $100.

I hope homeless people watching this podcast will be like, oh Where are they going to watch it? In a fucking library? On those little booths You know those booths they be charging their phone at? Yeah How great would it be when the podcast gets so big, homeless people are charging their phones to watch our podcast

on those things while masturbating That's how it is Even now, New York, it does eventually trickle down to them that way. Jordans have gotten that way. The amount of homeless people in Jordans is insane. Clean Jordans. I know where they're getting them from. People are done

with their Jordans and they donate them, but it's just like there's that many Jordans in the city. They're probably getting them from all the fucking looting rings that are stealing. Well, those get sold. I bought sneakers from those people. Yeah, they get sold. And I bet they get them for fucking cheap.

I'm supporting black startups. No. That's where they go. If you see any bombs in Bushwick, Georgia, that's me. Although, I know that is a business, because I've seen, like, even with black people breaking into Lululemon and shit like that, like, yeah, there's definitely a white person, like,

do this one next. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So they can get the Lululemon and shit like that. Like, yeah, there's definitely a white person like, do this one next. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So they can get to Lululemon for cheap. I can see that being played out perfectly. Yeah. Because they found that the majority of these like looting things are done by like a small percentage of the same people.

Like it's definitely like a ring of fucking people. Oh, yeah. Now they're driving their car into businesses, breaking the windows with the car and then loading it up. Like weed dispensary is a ring of fucking people. Oh, yeah. Now they're driving their car into businesses, breaking the windows with the car, and then loading it up. Like weed dispensaries, a lot of. See that? Which is like crazy.

What do you do? Shit, that's how you, but that's called a discount. That's a discount. We need discounts. We're in a bad time. We need the Lord and God back in society. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Are there laws in New York that says

you can basically loot and not get caught? Yeah. If you steal under like 900900 or in other places, it's a certain amount that you can't be prosecuted. You've seen these videos of people trying to walk out with whole aisles of food and they just catch you at the door? Yeah, they've like decriminalized crime. You can't call a cop. You just kind of got to deal with it. But it's also made the stores crazy.

Like, I don't know if you've tried to set foot In a store like Target In New York City It is a whole vending machine Oh yeah It's locked down Like you can't get anything Yeah yeah yeah Someone has to open everything

To get you everything I know Like toothpaste Like fucking And now I'm doubly embarrassed When I'm trying to buy Women's underwear Yeah

Somebody's gotta unlock it That is a good reason To do a snatch and grab Like as a dude to just run in and snatch A bunch of panties from Victoria's Secret I've stolen so many pregnancy tests Just cause I don't want a fucker What are you doing you're like I'm embarrassed

But don't put your hat backwards With that bandana I'm telling you bro They'd be like yo this motherfucker's crazy Let him have it Yeah I would arrest you immediately if I saw somebody looking like you running away With girls underwear I would immediately I'd. If I saw somebody looking like you running away with girls underwear, immediately I'd do a citizen's arrest and just stab you. What if you guys saw me in one of these looting videos?

I'm like, yeah, I joined a gang. It's just me and a bunch of black teens. That would not be support. You're basically in a gang now. You're like, yeah, I hang out with all the hardcore bands, and now we all work out together and get really big so that we can hurt people. Yeah. What is going on?

Is that what you're doing? Is that what you're working out with? I'm working out with the band. He immediately rips his Achilles tendon. Immediately. Immediately. There you go, nerd. I didn't rip my Achilles tendon. I sprained my ankle. Look at that little face.

What was that? It was disbelief. You tore your ACL and you were unable to walk because you were trying to push a heavy amount of weight that everybody had been pushing for weeks. And you're like, I got it. I can do this. I'm just like you, fellas.

Let's see your body. It's like the second we started working out together, I was like, I'll be right there with you guys. That motherfucker showed up two days. Two days. Two days. Yeah, the second day I knew he wouldn't come back. It was pretty wild.

Well, because you guys are like We're doing yoga On the concrete I'm like but what about a mat You know like it makes you tougher Yeah yeah And I'm like What are we gay

Yeah yeah yeah Sorry Ben No we do a broken glass Cause we're straight men We had to figure out How to do yoga And make it you know Manly to do yoga together

This is the pandemic Yeah yeah Yeah we were doing Me and the boys Mike Roland And Ethan Simmons Patterson Were doing crazy workouts We'd just all be like Get up to do yoga together. This is the pandemic. Yeah. We were doing, me and the boys were, Mike Rowland and Ethan Simmons Patterson were doing crazy workouts. We'd just all be like,

get up. It's time to go. And we'd go to the park and just like, it's laps time. Yeah. Now it is time for stretching. Yeah.

And we'd do it all. Yeah, man. You had to do something. But it would be like this. It'd be like, Ethan's like the fittest black dude in the entire world. So it'd be us all three running

and Ethan just lapping me and Mike over and we were like, what the fuck? Here he goes again. Wait a minute. It was crazy. I do remember specifically sobbing next to you guys. You were sobbing. We were like, what the fuck? Especially because it was such a 180. I really, really

wanted one of you to go. It was such a 180 from the way you pulled up. You pulled up with the speaker blasting and had the little horn. It was your song. And you just like. Pulled up on Pee Wee Harmon's bike. Right. I know.

You just did this at my apartment the other day. I was like, I wonder where he is. And then I heard him blocks away. And I was like, here he comes. We're just like, hey, dude, get in line. You know what I mean? He was so happy. And then all of a sudden, you just hear.

And you know, Ian, guys, is there anywhere I could park my bike? Get the fuck out of here, man. What happened? What happened back there? What? But no, he was going through something with the breakup

and we was like, all right, do you think, man? He would come up to me and we'd run into each other. He would start crying at me about the breakup and I'd be like,

it's okay, and I'd hug him and get on the train and leave and he would text me later and be like, thank you so much for everything you did today and I was like,

I didn't do, you just cried at me and I hugged him and I stood there. But it was like you could have walked up to a homeless person and be like, and And I was like, I didn't do, you just cried at me and I stood there. But it was all, it was like you could have walked up to a homeless person and be like, and they would be like, And they would have got a text too.

But then you would, you'd be crying at a rooftop at a show and you'd be like chain smoking, crying, getting all worked up and then you would get on stage and just annihilate, annihilate and then get off and be like, I just didn't think she misses me. It was crazy. Things got

so bad during the pandemic, I befriended Chloe's dad. I remember that. You were hanging out with Chloe's dad for lunch. I bring him sandwiches and groceries every Friday. Her friend Chloe's dad, a 70-year-old black man, Vincent. Were you contributing To buying stuff

That he wasn't supposed To be eating Yeah No Cigarettes Cause he was like diabetic Oh you were getting him cigarettes Yeah yeah

Good for you Anything for friends Look at you You'll do well in jail I used to have for my nana Get her a cigarette So I could take the car Nice

Yeah Didn't it just make him hungry Alright Yeah We should have him on the podcast Vinny He spent time in prison Marlboro Menthol Light 100s Vinny He spent time in prison Vinny

Up in Sing Sing That kid Gio was in jail for a long time He was down for a few years You guys been to jail? Been to jail County jail How long were you in the clink? I did three months

What for? 90 days Dave disappeared We was all asking like Where the fuck did you do? Fraud Oh yeah when was this? How do you do that?

Like you know Taxes No no I wish it was taxes But no It was just dumb shit Like we I got into

Breaking into Lululemons Well yeah This one you still have The little sweatsuits right? No that was college that was that was the that was the entry level but no when i got into like you know different credit card stuff and uh fake license plates on cars and you know all kinds of stuff like that so wait what do you mean fake license plates on cars uh we could get out of parking tickets

well no we were selling them but yeah yeah. Yeah, you've seen them. They look like stickers almost. Were you selling metal plates or the sticker ones? They were metal, yeah. They were fraudulent. We basically take them off of other cars and put them on cars that match

and then sell them and you get a little, you know, a little time here and there. But yeah, it was stupid. It was very stupid. I needed that so many times. There were so many times

where I was Googling illegal license plates. Yeah, at my mom's house we had like a license plate presser. We could just put a lot of stuff around. I need that. Because what happens is you rack up all these tickets. Yes.

And then eventually you're like, I just have to destroy these plates so the tickets go away. But then you need new plates because you can't register for new plates. So then you just get fake plates and everything's fine. Yeah. Bop, bop, bop. But yeah, man, fun times. Good old crimes, man. Do you still keep in touch with your crime friends? So I do have

people that hit me up on my inbox on Facebook because, you know, they knew my regular name and like once people found out I was a comedian, it was like different. Wait, you knew your regular name? Dave Temple's not your real name? No, that's what I'm saying. It is my real name. So because like they know my name when they come out, it's what I'm saying. It is my real name. Because they know my name,

when they come out, it's easy to find me on Facebook. Oh, right. So guys do get out and be like, yo, are you still doing your comedy thing? I really want to... Come to a show. Not even they want to try. There were so many people who

always wanted to do that shit. But, you know, Life went a different way You know Like if I ever get out I should I'm like Everyone would do stand up Everyone wants to try it

The drunk girls outside the cellar They're like You're so funny I feel like I could be My life is a comedy I feel like I could be as funny No the mirror is I hate when people do this

When they're like When I go through something Really traumatic And then they always go You know But at least you can use it In your stand up I'm like My dad is missing his legs or whatever.

You know what I mean? And now I can use this for $40 spots. Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, it's very strange. I hate when they try to hand me their two cents. That's the worst. That's why I just do it now at other people's job. I don't give a fuck.

I'm giving you tips. Even if I'm not qualified, I'm at Starbucks. You should stir that counterclockwise. Yeah, that's good. You're not going to make a shape out of the cream like that. Did you spill the coffee? No, there's no coffee left. He's really weird about it.

It's like filthy in here and all over the house, but he's really weird about it. He got up like my grandmother, did you? I don't like crumbs. Way to call that out, George. What the fuck are you doing? Just gotta get a drink. Okay. Can you get me one too?

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This, the best part about it, I'll tell you, as a carpenter is, they come with a magnet that then the disc plate sticks to the magnet. So you guys, you know about all the times where you put the drywall anchor in the hole and then you put the thing in the hole and you're worried that your thing's going to fall and sever you in the middle of the night and cut you. And you don't want that to happen. So you keep tugging at it and then you fuck up the drive, you screw up the drywall anchor. And so you have to redo it so that you don't have to do that with this. Um,

so, uh, yeah, so this is the one we got. You can get stuff like Star Wars, Stranger Things, Gifts for Perfect Sports Fans,, perfect gifts for sports fans. This is the one we got. Uh, it's, it's two favorite things. Ian's favorite things. Uh, ladies that let men that look like men that looks like ladies and cigarettes. All right. Save up to 30% off when you click the link in the show notes, look at the show notes and there you'll see the link discount will be automatically applied to your cart. when you click the link or use code ska that's ska when you visit display.com that's display.com code ska or click the link in our show notes you still have time to impress your family at holiday dinner i know you're worried

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That's 55% off babbel.com slash SKA, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash SKA. Rules and restrictions may apply. Rules and restrictions may apply. I can't even read that because I'm so against it. Rules and restrictions may apply. So yeah, do that. Go on Babbelbel I actually did check it out before going to Italy and it was actually pretty sick and I didn't feel like a silly nerd doing the activities so check it out we all need to learn Spanish because we're going to get taken over by Mexico people say China

but it's going to be Mexico mark my palabras nice this is cool man you've accumulated a good amount of stuff here man yeah we got the depths in here

and that's dope yeah good for you Ian yeah it's fun I like these little waters what used to be did that used to have

a stereo in it that cabinet there was that like it used to be a stereo cabinet and that wow wow that's what that's be a stereo cabinet? And that... Wow. That's what, that's exactly

what happened in Harlem. Where someone was just trying to show off. You don't, you cannot. There has never been a time where we have set the taser off and somebody hasn't react and both of you went like this. That was insane. You did not stop trying to open your soda can.

That is, every other person in the world is like, oh, the least we've gotten is this. That was insane. You did not stop trying to open your soda can. Every other person in the world is like, oh, the least we've gotten is this. Listen, black people have seen some shit. Anyway, cut it out. I know. Just stop. What are we doing here?

Come on, man. Have you ever come out of a black nightclub and the police are just doing that when you get out of there? There wasn't anything. Literally, the most they did was a little blink at the light that radiated off of it. They got more angry at you than the taser. That was crazy. What was she doing?

We're like dumb cats that just don't get it. Yeah, that was amazing. That was a crack. Every guest has been like this. Oh, yeah. I mean, even Aaron from Jesus Beasts was like, oh, Lord. Yeah. Have y'all hit each other with it?

We tase ourselves. Do you want to tase yourself? No, no, no. You'll like it. Nah. I've been tased before. I don't like it. By who?

I've been tased by police. It's not good. What happened? They just shoot the tasers off. Dude, I'm a six foot two black man. What'd you do? Nothing. Yeah, right.

Nothing. The police wouldn't do that to anyone for nothing, David. It is crooked too bad. Tell us the full story, David. No, man, seriously. Like, if I'm walking around an aggressive scene at my height, cops will ask me to sit down. Cops will ask me to stop moving just because they're like,

you, sit down. They're uncomfortable. Wow. Yeah. Ethan's been, what's it called when you get stripped? Strip search? Strip search. Cavity search?

Yeah, stripped where they just go through your stuff. Stop and frisk. Stop and frisk. Stop and frisk. Yeah. I thought you meant the checking your butthole for stuff. No. Yeah.

Although I get that every time I go through the airport thing. Every time my vagina goes off. 100% of the time. Wow. I swear to God, it's so weird. I have no idea what it is. Not only does it taste like metal. I get that every time I go through the airport thing Every time my vagina goes off 100% of the time Wow I swear to God It's so weird I have no idea what it is Not only does it taste like metal

It's also metal I also have a gun in there Yeah Can we talk real quick? I just watched them The 03 Texas Chainsaw Massacre Yeah Where the girl

Stuffed the gun up her crotch And pulled it out Shot herself Yeah Movie holds up man Still holds up Really? Jessica Biel They only did it so she could be in the white Oh her crotch and pulled out and shot herself. Yeah. Movie holds up, man. Still holds up. Really? Jessica Biel, they only did it so

she could be in the white. Oh, her movies. Her movies! But the movie still holds up. That reminded me. She really pulled a gun out of her twat and blew herself away. That's awesome. Oh, yeah. And then the shot is from the inside of her head. Oh, I remember that. Holds up. Movie still holds up.

Why did she shoot herself? Because she was running from the Hewitts And they went to go pick her up And they start going right back to the town She's like don't go that way She's like man fuck this Oh hell yeah Crazy

You know a movie My mom and I when I go home We love watching bad horror movies together And we saw Leatherface together You watch Leatherface? It's so bad It's like the prequel The and we saw Leatherface together. You watch Leatherface? Leatherface. It's so bad. It's like the prequel. Oh, before.

The origin story of Leatherface. The best bad but scary horror movie I've seen recently is Malignant. Okay. I saw it, but I never really, I never clicked on it. You got to click it. It's crazy. What's it about? It's about.

The girl, like the little girl got a friend is the devil, some shit like that. Fucks with everybody. She's a girl And there's a And she You gotta watch it If I say anything I'll give it away

You convinced me She's a girl There's a scary There's a scary demon Haunting a woman Is the premise Original But the twist is

Yeah Really crazy Okay Really crazy I wanna watch her right now. Nice little twist. Movie watch? Okay.

Well, not tonight. Tomorrow. Later. Yes. We watched, for our podcast, we watched Barbie movie yesterday together. Pretty crazy. Yeah, it was a really good movie. No, I hated it.

Really good movie. I walked out halfway through. It was the woman plot. It was great. I was serious about that. Women, you know, patriarchy. They say patriarchy like a thousand times. To be like, okay, we're going to choose,

we're going to teach all these women that Barbie, you can't actually have a person who looks like Barbie and we can be all sorts of shapes and sizes and fat, you know? And then they have the person teaching you that, be Margot fucking Rob. I was like, this is just reinforcing everything I've ever thought. Hot chick with a tight ass. The chick from Wolf of Wall Street Academy.

The chick from Wolf of Wall ass. I've convinced myself all my life, like, Barbie's just a doll. There's not a real person that looks like her. And then it's like, yes, she is. You have to do that. You can't have some chick who's, you know, got an eye hanging out. They tried to let Lizzo do the soundtrack.

You heard Lizzo sing a lot of Lizzo music. A lot of Lizzo music playing. You don't have to look at her. Exactly. Yeah, and it's called Barbie, not barbecue. That was actually kind of good. That was good.

That was actually kind of good. That was kind of silly. That was kind of silly. Good for Ian. He got one. That was all right. That was all right. Yeah, it's funny to watch.

I love watching Ian Fully transform into You know the thing that you're becoming Cause I never knew how those people Get created but I see now I don't even know how you got created But I'm enjoying watching you change You know what I mean

Ian is great cause I didn't know You know what I mean? Ian is great because I didn't know. Because Ian used to have just long curly hair. He was a weirdo. And he used to hang out with us and tell jokes. And I didn't ever think that this would become of Ian. What was he like? There was no turquoise.

There was no this. There was no cane. No cane. How fast? How fast? No turquoise. First of no this. There was no cane. No cane. How fast? No turquoise. First of all, he was not a Native American chief. No turquoise. Anyway.

What did he have? He used to wear Nike sweatsuits. He was just a regular guy. Jeans and Air Maxes, like regular. He was a regular guy. But no, like sweat jackets. A regular guy? Regular, just a regular. There was a period. There was a period.

There was a no mustache phase also. This was before I came out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've known me always with a mustache. I had a mustache when I started in Philly. Not this pronounced. You decided to get tattoos? I started wearing jewelry after I came out because it made me feel more like myself. Yeah, no tattoos

on the arms either. Ian was a strictly leg tattoo guy. Yeah, I've been here for that transformation. You know, like he was presenting normal for a while. I'm a strange presenting normal. You're probably more normal now. It seemed scarier back then. Long hair. You without

rings is more scary than you with rings. None of that ring shit. I couldn't imagine being a guy without rings anymore. Right. But you know those people as adults. To know them as children or at least to know them as young people, that's what I like about this. Open Micra Ian was way different.

It's the same as when you see a black man in gaiters in an electric blue suit and you're like, wow. Oh yeah, gotcha, gotcha. What was that guy like at 13 you know what I mean yeah yeah well I define myself you know you guys watched me grow on stage

but you've watched me grow on stage and off in a way that not many have yeah they're probably not watching me on stage but yeah I didn't want to say that yeah I don't know too many they're not watching you on stage I didn't want to say that I don't know too many Ian jokes They're not watching you and being like 206 Lounge 2013 You specifically told me

That you liked my joke About sucking my cat's penis Yes that is a great joke Why is it a great joke He like snapped into it That's funny He snapped into it I love that joke He has a joke about fucking making his cat suck his own dick into it. That's funny. He snapped into it.

He has a joke about fucking making his cat suck his own dick. And I was like, okay, Ian's fucking hilarious. Ian is hilarious. Now, there was another time though, Brooklyn Comedy Club where this was hilarious. You were doing something up there about Trump and you came to me and was like,

the Trump stuff stuff is that funny and I'm like man Trump has been a while he's like I didn't ask you when did it happen is it funny is it funny and I go well no Ian it's not funny

and Ian goes fuck you man fuck you telling me my joke isn't funny. And I'm like, fuck you. This dude is off his fucking rocker. Yeah, Ian's crazy. Just fuck you, dude. Fuck you, man. What about when I

walked those two people at Cotton's memorial show? Do you remember that? Did you walk people? Which one? The City Winery in Philly? New York Comedy Club. New York Comedy Club. Oh, my God. You were on that, right? Chris Cotton.

Yeah, we did a benefit show for Chris Cotton where we sold five tickets. God bless Kiss. Chris. We sold five tickets. Oh, my God. To the East 4th Street room. So it was the bigger room. Oh, my God.

And it was just like, all right, guys, this is a benefit show for our dead friend. Thank you guys for coming. And three of the five were walk-ups. And he walked. Oh my God. And Ian, I don't know whether you went first or second, but you basically did some wild shit and walked two of the five people

that were here to benefit. And I flat out was like, you don't even know our friend. Get the fuck out of here. And for you, fuck you. Chris would have liked out of here for you I remember that night you guys all took a picture in the lobby and left as if you did something and Amy looked at me like who should I give the check to and I'm like

those pieces of shit like they all took pictures it was like we did that shit and then just left and it was like well dude even even in death we could not make fun of Cotton Cassidy's reading his book in his voice shout out to Tom Cassidy

shout out Cassidy shout out Cotton who's Cotton one of our dead friends one of our friends that died and we all started with in Philly overdose asthma fat One of our friends that died And we all started with in Philly Really? Overdose? No Asthma

Asthma? Yeah Fat Fat That kind of overdose That kind of overdose Yeah That's the thing

It's either fat or overdose Right Dude Either a hot shot or a hot pot What helped so much Was the night he died We all went to the cellar, and we were crying. I was crying.

Everyone else was keeping it together. Like, shoulders jumping. Like, ah, ah, ah. The lower lip going in. I don't believe that. The sad part is, we tease Ian. Ian is going to live so much longer than you and me because of all that crying.

God let it out. Give me your shoulder. I need a shoulder right now. I need a friend right now. Give me your shoulder right now. Hitting up trans prostitutes. Do you like when people cry and don't do any sexual activity?

Oh, God. Can I stroke your hair Do you like when people cry and don't do any sexual activity? I stroke your hair while I play my video game and cry. I am in touch with my emotions and that's what makes a man. No, you're sentimental and have like estrogen. I'd be like, what is the crying about? It's good to cry and hug your friends and say I love you. Like I said. You fucking bitch. And you do it enough for all of us.

So, you know what I. And you do it enough for all of us. You're overcompensating for your Philly friends who have no fucking emotions. I think you can cry on command though. I can't. Go ahead. No, no, no, no. Tear up. Hold on. You're sentimental. I think you can. You're already doing it. No, I can't. It looked glassy. Your eyes look glossy. Look at me.

What I was saying before we took a left on Make Fun of Ian Boulevard. Oh, yeah. It's nice for all of us to get together and just laugh and tell stories. And that was just such a wonderful thing to do that night. Have a cry. Have a cry. You could cry now thinking about it, couldn't you? Stop trying to make me cry?

No, I don't want to. Celebrating the death of a man. Celebrating? We were mourning. Yeah, but you all came together and if Cotton was there, he would have had so much fun with all of his friends just celebrating his life by doing the thing he loved the best. And it doesn't matter that

there wasn't that many audiences. In fact, it was better because that meant you guys could come together and say what you loved about him. And maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he's the one who blocks the tickets. But not him. He didn't make it this far. We wanted him to

join us. I would love to have Chris on this podcast. He's never going to do this podcast. He'll never on this podcast. He's never going to do this podcast. He'll never do this podcast. He's never going to do it. He's dead. He might want to and he'll never

see how far you guys have all come. He'll never see that. Yes, he can because he's with us. He's dead. And even if he was, even if Chris was here We would zap the fucker We need a bigger trap Jesus Christ

He was a big boy But god damn He was a big boy? Stinky Stinky big boy? We kind of got used to that We got used to this Yeah. Stinky. Stinky big boy? I don't know. We kind of got used to that. Yeah.

We got used to the snore. The only thing is the snore. I couldn't sleep through the snore. Yeah. That's because we have to share rooms. You know what's funny? I was just. I won't share with him anymore.

It's bad. Chris used to snore. It's bad. Candy wrappers on either side of him. Are you a snorer? I mean, I got some kids today. Yeah, I got to get. He does the silent thing where it's bad. Candy wrappers on either side of him Are you a snorer? Yeah, I gotta get He does the silent thing where it's like and you're like, uh oh and you're like, is he alive then?

There he is I woke up in the morning to a chick I picked up one night and we were in the hotel room and I woke up and I opened my eyes and she goes, did you know you snore? And I was like, oh my god. Whoopsies.

You might need to get a sleep apnea mask. I know. My mom has one. She is an extra. Should I get one of hers? Yeah. I wake up going,

who does she need to quiet her snoring for at this point? Well, you can breathe well. Oh. Yeah, you breathe better. Yeah, it's not so someone else can sleep. It's so that you can breathe. Really? I thought it was for the other motherfucker.

Turn on that, too. Asshole. What were people doing before? People just dealt with snores. It's for you. Yeah, but what happens is your brain, like, shit, you're depriving yourself of oxygen. You're not getting a good night's sleep. Talk to Greg Stone. He had really bad sleep apnea, and he

said once he got the mask, it, like, revolutionized his life. Yeah. In terms of being able to be productive throughout the day. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Because it truly shuts your... You could also try mouth taping. What? Because then you practice breathing through your nose. I can't do that with a mustache. Sacrifices, buddy.

I could tape your mouth shut. I mean, there are sacrifices. You want to get a good night's sleep? Shave this, lose the stache. Yeah. No. Would you ever lose the stache? No.

Does it have a name? Benjamin. I thought so. What should it be named? Your mustache? Mikel. Mikel. What is a good name for a mustache?

Stefan Urkel. No. I'm really searching for a punchline. Mikel. What is a good name for a mustache? Stefan Urkel. No. I'm really searching for a punchline. Keep going. Well, it's a hairy thing that you stick your nose in, so any man's asshole. Wow. Damn it. Pete's asshole? Greg.

Greg. You just said Greg Stone and you thought of it. Yeah. Fuck it You okay? Just looking around Liquid death can Can of liquid death Pillow, couch Skeleton turtle

I love lamp I love lamp I think you need mutton chops I think it's time I'm saying I think it's Why not you love Elvis If you love Elvis so much get sideburns He doesn't have mutton chops

Doesn't he have sideburns Isn't Elvis the coolest My grandmother loved Elvis Halloween I dress as Elvis Me Reggie and Iso are standing out in front of the cellar I got my speaker Blasting Elvis I have never had black women love me more.

They were coming up and fucking doing it and shaking it. What? Do it and doing it. Do it. Do it. Dancing and singing. Doing it. Like it was like,

it was like, whenever you're talking about black people, you repeat the word over and over, like about it, about it. Oh yeah. Doing it. Black comedy cadence.

Yeah. Oh, remember black? Yeah. There is still Black Ian. Every time he ventures over to the black table at the cellar, he completely switches into a different person.

He code switches. I love that white people have been calling other white people out about that shit. You're Trey Stewart. You know that kid? He code switches. You guys just should switch. You know that kid? He code switches Big time You guys just should switch You know what I mean?

Because he does full white voice at all times And then switches to black voice I call out code switches all the time Do you call him out? I don't deny it You guys code switch One time he sits down Everybody code switch

One time he sits down And he's like Matt Richards came up to me And went And I was like Don't talk in black voice And he was like Oh okay

Anyway he said And there was a giant black family Behind him at the cellar it was so like he was this close to screaming in black voice right right jesus caught him before the code switch are you guys are you guys who when you take a black comic off stage are you a little in code switch i bet you are. Have you seen that? One time I said Petey Diabru was my brother from another mother. Oh, no. It's so weird, yeah, because it feels like, oh my god.

The sad part is where Ian is like, damn, it's not condescending but it just sounds like it. It's manic. It's who I really am. That's what's cringe about it is that it's manic. It's like, that black man is my black friend, fuck. What did I do? It's the way white people do this shit when they say brother. Like, they rev their tongue up to get that THA off.

Who else says brother? Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Brother. And I love the Hulk. He has a hard R at the end, which makes it less racist. I don't know anyone who calls you brothers except for me. Name another white that goes, I was hanging out

with the brothers. It sounds like a Bobby Kelly line right there. What about Rich Ivanovich when he gets on stage and just does a full black song? Rich Ivanovich does black voice. He does black song. He does fucking minstrel voice on stage. He does slave him. And I'd be watching him. And I'd have to go on after like, what the fuck was that

bitch? One time Nico was hosting and Josh Adam Myers gets on stage and is doing the song. And he's like, man with the chicken wings. I love fried chicken. I love deep. And the black guy was just like, and Nico gets on stage and was like, what the fuck was that? It was so funny. Well, you used to. I love calling out Josh Adam Myers.

Rich brought me up at the Village Underground But they were playing like 2 Live Crew And shit like that And he's like Was that 2 Live Crew? Okay I'm liking that Interesting fact about them They're the reason for the parental advisory And I had to go over and make fun of him

I said who the fuck hears booty shaking music And goes you know an interesting fact Don't Snapple snap me right here took ismail off stage the other day with music like they were doing music and i swear to god it was like he's talked about being muslim and it was like something like like the song was that and i was like and then i got on stage and it was like the ramones yeah it was something like very like obviously tailored to me and I was like, that makes it more fucked up that you just played

a bunch of times. So funny. You used to literally tell me I would be funnier if I just transferred to Black Ian. Yeah, I thought Black Ian was hilarious. That says 90? Black Ian, like, it was

funny to me. I don't know why. It was one of the funniest things I've ever done with you. Black Ian. Yeah. Maybe I should do a special. Black face. Black Ian, white Ian. Half of it's white me and half of it's black me. Nope, you should stop. What the fuck you talking about?

Oh, that's the problem. His black voice is also hillbilly Which is disrespectful What the fuck you talking about Why you gotta go so south I don't know Child Have you ever heard

Of this movie Stop it y'all Have y'all ever heard Of this movie From the 80s It's kind of like One of those Ferris Bueller movies

But it's like A white kid Who wants to go to Harvard but his parents can't afford it. Soul Man. Soul Man. Soul Man. Blackface.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Afro to face. Oh my God. That's right. Yeah. There's a lot of movies that won't hold up. That's hilarious.

We should all watch Soul Man together for the fucking Patreon. Yeah, because there's a line where he tells a woman, give me my heroin needle and my watermelon, bitch. Like, he's like, all the stereotypes. Yeah, because there's a line where he tells a woman, give me my heroin needle and my watermelon,

bitch. Like, he was like, all the stereotypes. Like, triple down. Ian crushed me. We were on the train

and there was a guy who was nodding out. He was this like, very young black dude nodding out on heroin and kept dropping his phone and Ian goes, ah,

long day at work. God, you're an asshole. That's funny. That's kind of, fuck you, that's funny. It killed me. Just because this kid was so obvious.

He kept waking up and being like, and picking it back up. It was so long day at work. Yeah, those weird ones, those are the best, man, where you're just like out, where you're like, because we get that a lot too.

We're just together and something dumb will happen. That one time we were in D.C. and this guy, as soon as we come out of the hotel, this's just on me you ain't got any money you got any money yeah and i'm like you know what here man here i got five dollars for you here's five dollars if you can tell me where to go to get coffee right now oh yeah that's no problem it's a starbucks right up here down the street. All right, no problem. Thank you. You know what I mean? And we start walking and we kind of notice, oh, we've become a party of three.

Like, this dude is now rolling with us, right? I hate it. Yeah, yeah, you know. It's right up here. You're fucked up. And then he goes. You paid for punishment. Well, but because I paid,

now I get the right to talk shit. That's my thing. Like, I always say that, now I get the right to talk shit. That's my thing. Like, I always say that. If I give money to your GoFundMe, I get the right to talk shit. You know what I mean? So. What you say to this dude? I forgot.

Say what you said. When a guy, he's walking with us and he's talking and we're just kind of like, dude, what the fuck? Right? Then he goes, what time is it? And that's when I was like, well, why? What time you got to be to work? You know what I mean?

Killed him. I don't got to be to work. And I just proceeded to keep snapping jokes on this guy. Killed him. I couldn't do nothing but laugh. I gave you money. I get to berate the fuck out of you now. And that motherfucker had to leave with his head down. Wow.

We were in Moon Tower and we were all talking in a circle and somehow this homeless guy with no shirt migrated into the circle undetected. Yeah. And like he was just one of the comics

and then I was looking at my phone and everybody kind of shifted away to get away from him but I was distracted and I look up and he's just standing there like this and he goes, you look like a cheeseburger.

And I was like, do you have to do goes you look like a cheeseburger and I was like do you have to do that and I went like this I was like go ahead and he's like I want to take a bite out of you and I was like there it is there it is it was so crazy do you think this happens to anybody else other than comics I don't know

I walked into a like very fancy show the other day and they were like you shouldn't you can't be in here ma'am I had like a David Tell outfit on you know what I mean just, and they were like, you can't be in here, ma'am. I had like a David Tell outfit on. You know what I mean? Just pockets. And they were like, oh, no. And I was like, I'm going to the comedy show. And they were like, hmm.

And I was like, I'm performing. And they're like, oh, I see. Depression. Yes. Get up and dance. Yes. Go, go, go. I think it happens to us because we're more willing

to open ourselves to the experience, and other people are more like, no, no, no. And then they just shrug it off. But we're like, like yeah what's this guy got to say you know what I did see a rich woman deal with this and it was funny because she kind of had like that

Karen energy okay but she was like her husband was conversing with a comic and you know how great he was and blah blah blah and then he's like right next to her yeah and she's trying her best to ignore him and then he's like right next to her and she's trying her best to ignore him and then

she tried to like white lady him where she was like okay I see you and I recognize your presence and you're and I just want to say you will see your way through this but I don't have anything for you right to which

he's waiting like, yeah, I want to talk to the man, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut your whore mouth. Oh my God. So now to watch. No, no.

He's waiting for the man to stop talking and the woman has already said her piece, but he's still like right here. We're like, I want to talk to him. She's like, he's not going to give you's like he's not gonna give you anything he's not it was just like they were waiting each other out it's the best i love that one guy came up behind me and my friends were facing this way and they thought that it was a comic but it was a homeless person and he got this close and they were just like kind of like hmm and i was like what what's going on i turn it was hmm. And I was like, what? What's going on? I turned. I screamed. So I was like, oh

my God! Like fell back in the chair and he was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I was like, you scared me because of the way you look. It was basically me being like, you are horrifying, sir. It was so wild. And they were like, we thought you knew him. And I was like, do we really look like? Oh, that's our friend, Lumpy Pete.

There's a lot of them. Do you guys get infiltrated by random girls, too? Or is that just a black guy circle thing? Like, white girls will come, like if we're sitting in the shelter in front of the cellar, white girls, we don't even know. They'll just come

in and just sit down. Is it okay if I sit here with you guys? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they do that. When we're on the stoop? No, no, they just be throwing the stoop.. They do that. When we're on the stoop. No, no. They're not homeless. Hanging out on the stoop. Oh, yeah, the stoop. White girls all the time.

Can I come up there? Is it? We got punished with a tell the other day. That was punishment. That one girl. Holy mother of God. We could not. She would just turn and be like,

yeah, and my favorite movie is Mahogany. And you're like, I don't think that's a real movie. And she would just talk. Mahogany is a real movie. Oh, is it really? My God. She would be talking. That movie out of all movies. She was talking at us non real movie. And she would just talk. Mahogany is a real movie. Oh, is it really? My God. She would be talking.

That movie out of all movies. She was talking at us nonstop. And then all of a sudden. And then I made a mistake where I was like, oh, you want to meet Dave? Oh, you never do that. And I was like, fuck, I ruined this man's life. Dude, that is a thing on that stoop at the cellar.

I think it's because they see people hanging out and there's a barrier and they want to cross it to feel like I got in. Derek and Godfrey do a funny thing with each other where they use the homeless. Weaponized homeless. Yeah, so like... What? What?

It'll just be like if a homeless dude comes out to give some change and they'd be like oh, I don't have nothing but Derek Derek didn't you say you was going to give him something Derek tell him how you had something for him you know what I mean it sends them right to you

you the 7 up man you should go over that way but you do be doing it and the bum be like that is the 7 up man and you watch the homeless dude kind of get stuck going back and forth like, who's going to give me money? And it's like, nobody. I mean, that's the name of the episode.

Weaponize the homeless. With Derek and Dave. Weaponize the homeless. That's what me and Godfrey do that a lot. It's pretty bad. Or like if someone walks up, if it's like a doofus that wants to jump into conversation and talk about how he's been wanting to do comedy,

oh, you should talk to this guy. And you just point to like a homeless guy. That's so smart. Talk to Jeffrey. If there's another comic near me and something annoying, oh, I get to weaponize the shit. Hey, didn't you just film something for something and then you just push them and then you run.

Wow. That's beautiful. I want to try it tonight. Let's do it. Oh, I'm so excited. Matt Richards was doing a funny thing where he was yelling out at women, but pretending to be gay. So he was like, you go, girl. I want to fuck those titties.

And they were like, oh, thank you. And he was like, watch this. I can say whatever I want. And they don't. And it was, I mean, I was hysterical. I was crying. I want to fuck those titties. I want to take both of you home and have sex with you in your holes.

You go, girl. And they're like, thank you. Thank you. He was trying to find a way to de-ven. You go, girl. And they're like, thank you. Thank you. He wouldn't find a way to de-venomize catcalling. Isn't that? It was crazy. But man is a genius with that. He'll know.

He know it because he do magic. And the motherfucker know how to talk and hypnotize people. That happened one night. Tracy Morgan was outside the old stand. Okay. This might be good. And some girl walked by and he's like, I'm trying to get you pregnant. And the girl goes, you know what?

And then she saw it was him. She goes, oh, my God. Hey. goes You know what And then she saw it was him She goes Oh my god Hey That's like Totally allowed it Once she saw The dollar sign Yeah

That's his number one thing Yeah He'd say to everybody Every chick Get her pregnant Tracy I like that I remember one time He had a

This sports car I think it was like a Fisker Or something like that That he brought to the cellar Didn't you ride downtown With him Or no In Philly No No no no That was Ian Lara Oh okay Yeah cause it was like a Fisker or something like that that he brought to the cellar. Didn't you ride downtown with him or no? In Philly?

No, no, no, no. That was Ian Lara. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Cause he was like riding my car. And then he was like, Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His son.

And I'm like, dude, what was that like riding with me? He's like, he just played his son's music. Yeah. That's crazy. I'm on a set of last OG.

The motherfucker kept playing his thing. Yeah. And kept going. What do you think? And when you go, of Last OG. The motherfucker. Kept playing his thing. Yeah. And kept going, what do you think? And when you go, it's great. He goes, well, then listen. And would play it again. He would play. Did the same thing when I was there.

He would play a cover of Fire and Desire from Rick James. But it was him doing Rick James' part. Whoa. So he'd be like, that's me on it. Yeah. Fire and Desire. Fire and Desire. I think that's what he's riding around the airport with.

Have you seen that clip of him? Like from this week, he was like in the airport. And he's going full on Brooklyn crazy, man. Because he's being pushed around in a wheelchair, but he's got a big speaker on his lap. Oh, my God. And he's just blasting it into the airport. That's what I'm going to be.

That's what I want to happen to me. He's proud of it. Why does anybody in Brooklyn do that? But what's funny, like almost every time he plays the Fire and Desire shit, this is what follows. You know, the Louis Armstrong biopic coming out. And I'm like, OK, but it's every time. He did this two seasons of Alastor G. Dude, every time I see him, this goddamn biopic is still coming out.

But you got to hear Fire and Desire first with him singing Rick James. When I wrote on Crank Y talented enough to play Lil Jon. When I wrote on Cranky Anchors, he made the session go an hour longer because he kept playing the album, would ask someone what they thought, and then play it again and go, now what do you think?

And then play it again, now what do you... Is it a bit? No. No. Okay. I think there is a thing in Brooklyn,lyn if you are from brooklyn you snap after a certain age man because we were just like dalmatians you know dalmatians go crazy after like year seven did i send you that story when they were talking about uh old dirty bastard

making uh that song with mariah carey it was crazy. Like he showed up three hours late to the studio session on the phone arguing with a woman. You know what I mean? Are you sure it's not just crack? Jesus, dude. Here's the thing.

What? He was the right amount of minds to keep asking. It's just fame makes people insane. Yeah, yeah. It does. Fame makes people loco. Yeah.

Yeah. Because once you see what you can get away with, you know what I mean? Well, they also just completely stop being curious. Like, there's a certain level of fame where people will just never care to ask about anything that's going on with anybody, and they'll just regurgitate what they've done and how you should praise them. You know what I mean?

Or they're so used to having people around them that excuse and yes everything they do that no one calls them on like their weird behavior. Yeah, like this horse shit. I won't even say her name. But this was the wildest shit I ever heard in my life. We had to sell her. Yes, let's kiki. Sell me.

This right here. She's sitting right here. Two words together. Sim comes up. Sim comes up. You trying to get on stage? What, ugly? And we all like, what the fuck?

So he was like, you want to get on stage or not? And she go, but you want me to make a moment? I don't do spots. I make moments. I said, that's the wildest shit. I know exactly who you're talking about. Wait, me? I can just tell by the way that you're saying it.

Wait, is it? I'll ask them. Nope. What? Nope. This is hilarious. This is fun. Say? Nope. This is hilarious. This is fun. Say, ask.

Absolutely. I knew it. Pop over the comments if you want to take a guess. I got to go up at the end and close it out because they were like, she just didn't show up. We don't know what to do. And I was like, I'll do it. I make moments. I don't do spots was the wildest way to say

I don't write any jokes. Yeah. It was the craziest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life. I think if you get close enough to famous people that conduct themselves like that, you kind of want to lean in. Like, I see it even now. At the salad, there's some behavior where I'm like,

interesting. You know what I mean? And I'm like, I'd like to mean and I'm like I could try that I saw that last night and I was like ooh comfy are we the nerve actually I'll defend it

I think that's fine when it's loud the music yeah yeah no it's totally fine I was watching it. I think that's fine. When it's loud, the music. Yeah, yeah. No, it's totally fine. I was watching it and I was like. I'll join us. Look who's been here for a year and two.

I was like, is that what you do? And he was like, I guess so. And I was like, well, excuse the fuck out of me. I might be like, I might. I try and do something different. Like, I'm like. I might, I try and do something different. Like I'm like, you know what I mean? You got to do the full.

This is just too. Also, I think she was like here. I think it was like, wrote it on her head. What? Let's wrap it up. But you got to plug guys.

This has been so fun. No need for apologies. No need for podcasts that we do. Check us out on YouTube and fall into the universe from there. What were you about to say? Wait, what's the podcast I did with the... No need for apologies. They have matching tattoos too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't have matching tattoos. Oh, yes, we do. Products of New York. Yeah, so check that out. There was a fun episode that we did with Jordan. Yeah, where they were talking about Air Force low, Air check that out. There was a fun episode that we did with Jordan. Yeah, where they were talking about Air Force Low Air Force One Black

and they were making fun of it and I was like and they were like, oh my god! Yeah, right. I still love it. We talked about eating habits and Jordan confessed that she eats standing at a refrigerator with the plate on the door. No, I use the door as a plate.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I can't believe everybody doesn't do that. She's a lady. I was just thinking upstairs, I was horking a bunch of cake in my mouth as Ethan walked up. Oh, you ate that cake in my fridge? Yeah.

Before you walked up. It was going bad. Yeah, it's bad. It was sour. But before you walked up, I was thinking I'm somebody who always gets caught Doing embarrassing things

And then I realized In my mind I was like Oh that's just because I'm always doing embarrassing things And then people exist in the world Yeah And as I had that thought

You walked up And I was like It was crazy What else you got? If you guys are in New York We're doing a live show At the City Winery December 20th. So please make sure that you

check out any of our link trees, anything for ticket links. If you're into us, come on out. Come on out. Nice little Christmas present. Jordan? We plugged at the beginning. Yes. JordanJensenComedy.com IanFidance.com December 3rd, The Cutting Room

New York City, filming my first special. Congratulations, man. 7 and 9, 30 p.m. Thank 3rd, The Cutting Room, New York City, filming my first special. Congratulations, man. 7 and 9, 30 p.m. Proud of you. I'm very proud of you. Very excited. Also, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Philly, everywhere,

doing a big West Coast run. Come see us on the road. We love you guys so much. Thank you. Bye-bye.