Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 072: Imp Of The Perverse W/ Tommy Pope & Chris OConnor (Stuff Island)

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

Hi, everybody. Ian here. IanFightHands.com for all my dates. I'm going to Philadelphia, Calgary, Sacramento, Portland, Seattle, San Diego. We're doing a live podcast. Nashville, Chicago, Vegas. IanFightHands.com for tickets. Come and see me. Let's fucking pack it out, baby. Where are you going? JordanJensenCom comedy.com alright here are the places that I'm gonna be I'm gonna be in Providence, Rhode Island St. Petersburg, Florida

Madison, Wisconsin, Bozeman, Montana San Diego, Sunnyvale California Arlington, Virginia, Las Vegas Austin, Sacramento Boston, Appleton. And where can they find you? Punchuplive.com.

Amazing. Go to the site. See us on the road. We love little guys. We love you too. Enjoy the show. Right? Yeah.

Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Being Ian

Life is shit But you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit, but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a lie Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan welcome back to another episode of be any in with jordan i am so excited for don't know act like you like me i am so excited for today because we have friend of friends. What? What? That's not doing your movie fucking work. Queer. Jesus Christ.

Geez, it did not sleep over. Dude, these are nuts. He booked us through Lenny Dykstra. Tommy Pope. No, no. Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor. Yes, yes. Friendship time Island friends

I gotta say I use your upstairs bathroom Good lord Do you let your rats shit in there? It smells The toilet is an abomination The whole house is an abomination There's shit on the On the sprayer

I spray sometimes And I'm sorry What do you mean? The tushy shooter Your tushy's dung on the sprayer. I spray sometimes and I'm sorry. What do you mean? The tushy shooter. Your tushy's got shit on its shooter? It's covered in dung. Let's restart the fire. Why? What are you doing blowing up my spot?

You blew up your own spot by blowing your asshole all over your spot. I got gas problems. I'm just worried about you. Yeah. Yeah, do you like all the rugs on the ground? One time his plumbing exploded so he used rugs to mop it up, and he hasn't moved them. It's a huge issue. I mopped it up with a mop, and then I put rugs everywhere in case it happens again.

It'll sop it up. That doesn't make sense. You don't want that. That makes sense. That makes sense to me. Look at your eye circuit. That's not good. That makes sense to me.

That doesn't make sense. How does that not make sense? You can't live in fear like that. No, you can live in fear of that. You can live in fear of that. With my ass? You can't live in fear like that. The day the levees broke.

Just floating in shit. Every time you flush your toilet when the levees break, that Led Zeppelin. Great song. Look, man, that Led Zeppelin. Great song. Look, man, don't use it then. My toilet is no longer welcome to you. I'll use your sink. I just got back from Rome and they had bidets, weird bidets,

basically a low sink. Yeah, it's a secondary toilet. Yeah, what am I supposed to, not a toilet. You're supposed to shit and then do a shimmy. Yeah, do a shimmy. Yeah, you got to shimmy and then wash your ass. But then here's my question. What?

Who washes your ass? Your hand? What? Oh, there was no actual toilet? Sometimes there's a toilet and a bidet separate. Listen, toilet, bidet. Bidet was this. You sit on the bed.

Bidet was like a faucet. Faucet? Yeah, you take a shit and then you rinse your bun. Yeah. Who gets- Italians' assholes are like higher on their back. Yeah. Okay.

Covered in a mold. It's mine for me. I'm my asshole. It's in my spine. It's got one of those troll doors you got to pull up. It had to. They got no butt cheeks. Do you just get it?

They got no butt cheeks over there. I think they're better at the back up. Like a pocket watch. You just got to go, here's my asshole. You know what I mean? I think they're better at that. Every Italian man. Yeah.

Yeah. I think they're better at that. That man yeah yeah I think they're better at that that's why my things got spray yeah cause I shit like this okay it's higher okay but

what are you how do you wash off your ass do you take is there a something that you use you wanna know my tushy process yes please okay

in Italy in Italy let's start in New York okay okay no I'm making my way there hey you gotta connect the flight in London I gotta layover in Italy Tommy's doing a follow up to Stanley Tucci's

The best toilets in Italy When you're washing your ass in Florence I just want to know if you're giving it a little Scritch with your hand No you go boomsies Full boomsies What's boomsies? Oh poop No, you go boomsies, full boomsies. What's boomsies? Shit. Oh, poop.

And then you take, for my tushy drying, I have three squares. And then I clip four sets of two squares. And I lay them on my fucking lap. Clip them? What? Yeah, I take a whole roll, snap it, and then I separate them in two. You separate? You don't fold? I know, I do this too. I do. Can I tell you? I go them in two. You separate? You don't fold? I know I do this too.

Can I tell you? I go sets of two. Two squares? Hold on. You gotta get the right toilet paper. You can't use the fucking consumer stuff. I didn't know until junior year of college

that you were supposed to fold it and not just ball it up. I ball, I ball, I ball. You still ball? I ball. For dumb? No, no. Yeah, for dumb.

It's situational. It's situational awareness. What do you mean situational? I ball and then I wipe until there's a little fucking... You got a sloppy shit and you better ball it up. It's always balling.

Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? It balls. It's always balled and then I wipe until I bleed a little. A ball, you're just pushing it up your ass. That last part is insane. No, let's go show. I wipe until I bleed a little. A ball you're just pushing it up your ass. That last part is insane. No let's go show.

I'll show you. You poop and then you wipe like this like if there was a and then you go Kobe until it's like almost pilling. Yeah. No. Until it's almost rolling into pills and you know your asshole

is dabbled in little fucks. Tom, if you're in an airport, well, I guess you don't do this, but if you're in an airport taking a shit, you ball it up.

You ball it up. What are you talking about? You can't trust the integrity of the toilet paper. You can't trust the integrity. That's why you take a bunch and you fold it. Dude,

it's a touch thing. Ball is better protection because you want your hand far from the wipe. Ball, you can get your fingers in it. Ball gives you distance. But you don't shit

on the inside of your ass? Cheeks? You have dump-filled lint rolling into your vagina. Yes. Say no. Oh, no. Say no. I'm giving you a hint.

Say no. He gave you an L. You went the opposite direction. No, no. I don't have anything like that. No. No, you do. But it's a small price to pay for clean hands.

Listen, if somebody were to eat my ass, there would be... I have been told by my daddy you need to get thicker toilet paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta get thicker toilet paper. Anyway, let me get back to my tush. I go two-ply, but the problem is I have OCD. No, no, not two-ply.

You're gonna need three or four-ply at least. Well, what's the thick one? I'm saying fold over two sheets. Yeah, I go like this. No, I go like this. That's a ball. And then I go like this. Ball's airport only.

Airport. He's like, Dad. You're scrubbing... I'm telling you. You're scrubbing paint off the side of a car. I've done the full hand wrap. Go mummy stuff. She's fucking smackle.

Mummy's too close. You guys don't watch paper towel commercials where they go like this and it just smears shit everywhere or you do a swipe and you pick up. Well, that's why we wipe till we bleed. Yeah, wipe till you bleed. Tommy doesn't know because Tommy doesn't shit anywhere but home.

That's a great Slipknot song. Oh. He's not out. Why would you change your shitting process regardless of where you are? I never shit at home. I shit at the cellar. Yes. And yeah.

So I've shaved my pubes at the cellar. I've done an enema at the cellar. Dude, your pubes are all over that fucking toilet too. Yeah. You shaved your pubes at the cellar. I've done an enema at the cellar. Dude, your pubes are all over that fucking toilet too. Yeah. You shaved your pubes at the cellar. You have African-American pubes, by the way. Thank you. Or is it just your Game Boy Advance?

What? No. Because they're very, very tight curly cues up there. I got them. Yeah? I'm black from my waist down. Let's go, dude. Man, after the waxing fiasco, I got my vagina waxed.

And now it's growing back. Really happy to have it. I was trimming it today and I was like, I'm so glad you waist down. Let's go, dude. Man, after the waxing fiasco, I got my vagina waxed and now it's growing back. Really happy to have it. I was trimming it today and I was like, I'm so glad you're back. Really? The bald was really ridiculous. Once you get over 26,

it's very strange to have a bald vagina. It is. It's strange. It looks silly. Disagree. No, it looks silly to have your pussy

look like his face. Listen, a mustache on a 23-year-old kid, it's the same. It's visually off-putting. It's like, I know what you're doing. You don't really want that. And then you're 43 and you got a bald pussy? Yeah, come on.

You're telling me a lot about your sex life. You want a little tree. A little tree that put us inside. Let me tell you, here's the thing. Bald, fine. You look bald? But you're 9 years old. Actual pussy Nothing and above can have hair

I just don't like hair on the lips I'm not talking about weed whacking the lips, dude I'm just saying you gotta have something in there We're talking about different I have very light, kind of straight hair And it's very thin And then you trim it all up close So it's just a little soft landing pad so

there's no rash. But what about the asshole? No rug burn. You know, I think God every day, none of this concerns me. I've never, I've never. It should concern you a little. Why? I don't know because I put balls in my mouth and if there's a lot of hair on it, it sucks. Yeah, that bothers me. On my end.

Sweat and stink. I've had hair on my balls and my balls have been In someone's mouth And I've been like Can't be good down there Oh yeah That worries me But if you shave your balls

But I'm saying Someone else's vagina Unless it's completely Overgrown You have PTSD right now Oh it doesn't bother you No I smell someone's straight

I'm not like Cause you're a straight man Yeah and I'm never like What the fuck is this Yeah Unless again It's completely overgrown I've heard

Dude my friend the other day was like my, this girl, like he, they finally got a relationship and he was like, she had a stinky vagina and I was like the whole time

and he was like, yes, I can't say anything. You can. Yeah, you can. You can. That's the fucking ick.

No, you couldn't say anything to me. You couldn't say anything to me. Why? Until they broke up. Why? Just because he didn't want me being like,

hi. Yeah. Yeah. It does change relationships if you know that. Well, no, no, no. I could tell you. He did say something to her. And you guys would be like,

oh, wow. Yeah, but every time you see her face, she immediately would be like, hello, stinky pussy. Fred Sell is calling. Who's Fred? My best friend. You have so many best friends.

From lifelong. I don't care. What, are you picking it up? I don't care who his best friend is. Don't pick it friends. From lifelong. I don't care. What are you picking it up? I don't care who his best friend is. Don't pick it up. Don't pick it up. I can't pick it up. I'll call you later. Bye. I thought it'd be fun. So anyway, I get two squares.

Two squares, two squares, two squares. I do like four sets of two squares. And then I have one triple square. So I run through the two squares. And then I have one triple square. So I run through the two squares. The first wipe is just... We need to talk about this. We have to slow down. Listen to me.

Why? If I'm... I don't even speak your language. If he's doing what he says, I think he's doing, he folds two squares. You agree with me. If you go in the ass,

we're ripping fingers in your butthole, right? You're... No. Because you've got good toilet paper. I have good toilet paper. I have the downy. It doesn't sound like you do. Go get toilet paper.

The way you wipe your ass is the way I give hugs. There's retard strength there that's not good for anyone. It's not focused. Plus, you need to have all four fingers engaged in the toilet paper. If you just do two, you're going to rip through. Four? Four. Okay? Four. Okay, watch.

You got to wipe the whole... Dude. That was a soft wipe. But see, if you're wiping your ass like this, that's the problem. You got a technique issue.

All four fingers. You put the square... How do you get in your asshole then? You make a T-paint. You got a slight grade. Listen. You got a slight grade You got a slight gray

Yeah that's all you had to say was this You just hit like a Well you know you gotta get better at the Yeah you gotta go like a crane That's going through the paper That's going through the paper for me I let my cheeks guide my hands No it's almost like

It's almost like holding a whiskey glass You gotta relax your fingers. You center the force and then you just let these two fingers do whatever the fuck they want. Are you playing the trumpet on a whiskey glass? You know what I mean? These guys are doing the work. These guys. I agree. These guys are hanging around in case you need to shuffle. But it's light pressure.

I have another question. This is disgusting and I'm just gonna say this. Can you go get toilet paper and we try it? Please. Please. We have to try. Okay, not your toilet paper. I just have? Please. Please. Yeah. Please. We have to try. Yeah. Thank you. Okay, not your toilet paper. I just have a quick question, and I'm just going to say this.

Duct tape two watermelons together. Because I'm never going to have sex with anybody in this room, okay? Never. How often, like, one out of how many days a month are we getting a little poop right there? Oh. Oh, yeah. Very rarely. Yeah. I got a meaty thumb like here.

Never. Why are you even coming close to your thumb? Yeah. And sometimes it's so faint that I go, just see if there's anything there. Dude. Because sometimes it's imperceptible. You got to give it a nose test. Yeah.

I get it on my thumb all the time. And here's our even darker truth. All the time. Even darker truth. Even darker truth. Sometimes I've gone and smelled a little bit

and no one's going to notice. No, no, Chris, no. No, Chris, no. No. I'm so fucking glad you moved out there. No, no, Chris, no! No, Chris, no! No! I'm so fucking glad you moved out, dude. How? What is... What's the point? Why not just wash your hands?

You're right there with the sand. I'm so lazy, dude. Wait a minute. Here's what I do if it happens. I go like this. I freak out. Here's my big problem. I freak out. So I wipe it off really hard. It's the worst thing in the world. It's the worst bacteria you can imagine.

It's why your body's... Get rid of it. And you're smearing it all over doorknobs for other people, innocent human beings to wipe their hands on. They live with you. I used to bleach their doorknobs as soon as you get out of the fucking room. How many times do you guys do a look at dishes? He doesn't touch any of the food until it's time to eat.

Bleach is worse than poop. You guys are so afraid of yourself. I'd rather die of cancer than a bacteria from your asshole. Why is it getting on our thumbs and not theirs? Because you two are toddlers in high school. You guys just can't admit that sometimes you get poop on your hands. I didn't say that. She said how many times a month. This is classic Italian bullshit.

You guys just can't admit that sometimes sloppy stuff happens. You are a fucking bigot against Italians. First you said our assholes are a pie. And now you're saying that we don't know how to wipe our eyes. I know you're getting shit on your hands. Your assholes are on the right spot. You guys know how Italians have a stereotype of anal hygiene. Alright, here's what I'd do.

The first is the trip, because that's coming on the back end. Can we also not waste all my tulip? Yes, definitely waste it. This is a good idea. This is the dry off after you get the hose from the tush. Okay, hose from the tush. Because sometimes if you just go two,

they can tear away from one another and bad things can happen. And this is all in one. I'm pretty good at determining my full pull and then I rip it from here. And then I do this. I mean, you're like... And then I'll do multiple doubles.

You're like an ass surgeon with your... The first one is a surgeon. You know how... You ever seen somebody pour Dairy Queen soft serve and they know right when to cut it off? Yeah. The first wipe is just a cut off Here's how I know

You have a sloppy ass Yeah cause you just called I'll show you my bubble Right now dude It's you Only you three squares You got sloppy ass No no no

It's your This would have never torn If it was mine Is that what you're saying No you're predicting damage See I Sometimes I get away With one wipe

Sometimes I get away With no wipes You're not in The real world. No way. True. No way. She could even not.

The first wipe. Oh, this poor couch cushion. I saw your face search for truth. You're like, I want to be on your side. The first wipe is just a scouting. You always wipe. Sometimes when you get the ghost, you can tell. Your first wipe is the equivalent ofouting important. You always wipe. Sometimes when you get the ghost, you get something. Your first wipe

is the equivalent of saying, where's the wind? Where's the wind? Is the golfer just throwing grass in the air? You get a heat map of where the shit is. That first wipe,

sometimes you get an outlier out there. That's when you know your hand's getting hit. Oh, that's when you know it's an outlier. When the topography is... I wish I could take a Doppler radar of my potential wife.

What are we working with here? What are we working with? There's snow in the foreground, but that's on the tip of the mountain. All of a sudden, you're like, oh, no, there is some snow up there. We are getting a blizzard coming in. I thought this was clean, but whoa. Other sides. You ever been wiping your ass?

Let it slide. You ever been wiping your ass and it gets on different parts of the toy paper? And you're like, where is this? Yes. Ross, day after Thanksgiving last week was an issue. Yeah. I'm back in the leg. Dude, it's crazy when most of your wiping is going on.

You're just like all the way over to one. Yeah. The tip of a cheek. Dude. Here's how you do it. Here's how you do it. I didn't shit my pants. How is it out there? Day after Thanksgiving

is like... In the toilet, fucking throwing my shit back in my asshole. I've had that happen where you wipe and you're like no way. Have you ever done the just waddle where you're like I'm taking this right into the tub. You're just pushing it through the drain. Have you ever done the just waddle where you're like, I'm taking this right into the tub? Yeah.

You're just pushing it through the drain. Yeah. The dance of Thanksgiving has to be a plumber's like Super Bowl. That's when they probably fucking rake, dude. Push me right through the drain. The poop rake. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I get sick and it's coming out both ends, I'm full. You shit? I go in the tub. You shit in there? Yeah, puking a shit just all over myself. Oh, my God. And just let the rain come down upon me Oh my god Are we starting to?

Do you think a plumber is like Talking to his wife like tomorrow is a big day This is what I do Way too much You're rich, you're wealthy with this amount One wipe Unfold that. Unfold that. She holds it like this and goes,

No, you can't do that. Yo, I know this is like... It's your natural thing. You just shit. You're in a hurry. Hey! Come out here! Who's rushing you in a hurry? Everybody's always mad at me. Two at a time?

Is that bad quality? What if your finger goes through? Really? What an Italian thing to say. You assess the toilet paper immediately upon arrival. And if it's good toilet paper... I'm doing full ball.

Okay. Here's the thing. The ball is messy. The ball is messy and spreads it out. You fold no matter what. What is the matter with you people? You can really fucking rape it. That's in your mind and then you're the one

going, I get shit on my thumb every day. That's not life that you want to live. If I use two... Use your mic. I feel like I'm watching... When we're in a rush, we're not folding. I'm not folding. I feel like I'm watching National Geographic right now

examining the shit tribe of Odubabe. No, not the third monkey, not upright yet. No, I know both you guys are constantly stopping off places for gum and like doing things that are just delaying us getting to where we're going. You take a long time. What does the gum have to do with it? I don't know. See, you don't have any idea.

We know. You take a long time. I come in this house and if Ethan goes, he's in the bathroom, I'm like, I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out for a long time. I come in this house and if Ethan goes, he's in the bathroom, I'm like, I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out for a long time because I have an issue with my shit

and I am delicate. And you're folding. Yeah, and I never get shit on my hand, you fucking dickhead. Dang. It's a lie. Which is why it's a lie.

It has to be a lie. It has to be a lie. Except the day after Thanksgiving. It was a day. Except for three days ago. Yeah, dude, there's still cornbread on the back of your toast.

No, this is in Pittsburgh Pittsburgh I left a bomb in Pittsburgh It was a bad story Why were you in Pittsburgh? I did Pittsburgh improv And then I went down a day early to spend Thanksgiving With my childhood best friend Oh that's nice Fred?

No Justin Idiot Also what a funny roster move Childhood best friend Fred? No, Justin. Oh! Idiot. Wow. Also, what a funny roster move. Childhood best friend. Yeah, drop him, dude. What do you mean roster? He's not on the bench anymore. Get rid of him.

No, he's in the dugout. Yeah, yeah. I've known these guys since I was 11. He's a bad boy. He hasn't thrown in a while, but he's in the dugout. No, we stay together through thick and thin. We've been together since we were 11. Why not just call him your best friend?

Yeah. Because there's levels. What you say once you get in your 30s is you say, one of my closest friends. Yeah. One of my oldest friends, one of my closest friends. My childhood best friend. How many friends do you think you have? Oh. How many best friends do you think you have? How many friends would show up to your birthday party?

I have seven. How many friends are going to show up to your taping? I got a great Eagles Nin Eagles-Niners. I can't make it. He's got an Eagles-Niners game. I get that. You can't make it. Tommy's going.

I'm going. She all of a sudden got interested in football. Eagles-Niners. No, I'm just saying because that's not good because Philly people like you. Yeah, but it won't compete. It's already sold out. Wait, wait. The Eagles beat The Buffalo Bills

They did Oh you did Congrats Somebody looked at the TV At the olive tree Whoa good work So I was in the middle

Of wiping my ass You're going And here's the thing I was gonna have A birthday party last year I remember the group chat And then I cancelled it Because I thought

No one was gonna come Yeah Yeah What Yeah I always had it because I thought no one was going to come. Yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah. I was that one today. I had one too. I do feel like

asking most people how many friends they think I have, you might as well just say how's your day going? Yeah, true. You know what I mean? It's either zero or a hundred. Yeah.

Well, you can't, I'd rather, zero is healthier. What? If you say you have three close friends, I'm like, sick. You're giving out

the perfect amount of emotion and time. Yeah. If you say you have three close friends, I'm like, sick. You're giving out the perfect amount of emotion and time. If you say you have five best friends, you're lying. You have no idea how much this man can talk on the phone. I have. I fucking do. Really? There's a hole in the carpet from walking in circles talking to him. I know. We were

talking for a while. Remember our unemployment talks? Yeah. It was prison rules in my apartment. Wait, why do you have panic attacks? Have you met him? I've been having panic attacks a lot. I had one today because my doorknob fell right off my door. Tommy had one because he was breathing. And I couldn't get out of my

house and I thought I was going to jump out the window to kill myself. Wait, what? Okay, I live four stories up. And I always think to myself, what if I jump out to my death? I don't want to, but what if I do? And I always think, well, I'll just run to the door and go outside. And then today the door not handle hang up. And I was like, I'm a carpenter. I can fix this.

Right. And then I'm like, oh, what if I jumped out now? And then I was like, it's OK. I'll run outside. And I was like, I can't because I'm locked in. And then I started flop sweating, panic attack, grabbed a knife, stabbed it, got out of the door. Oh, but I have panic attacks about that.

Yeah. I had a panic attack yesterday because my friends are talking about her boyfriend who has got out of the door. But I have panic attacks about that. I had a panic attack yesterday because my friend started talking about her boyfriend who has a lot of back pain. And she's like, it's like he's trapped in this world where he's in perpetual pain. And I started- See now that would give it to me.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that- You're not worried about like, you don't panic. Things falling apart. No, I was worried about killing myself. You don't worry about that?

That's ridiculous. If there was a gun right here loaded, you wouldn't be afraid? Oh, dude, when we went shooting with your buddy, I had that imp of the perverse, it's called, where you just... What is that? It's...

Imp? It's impulse. Yeah, it's... Imp? This imp of the perverse. It's the sense of going, I know this wouldn't be good if I did it, but I can do it if I chose.

It's like walking over a bridge. That's her inner monologue. Yes, exactly. That's her all the time. Wait, that's the name of my special. Because I think about jumping. You guys are so overdramatic. You can do these things.

No shit, it's fucking dramatic. I can't go. I can't. I used to be a roofer. Had to quit. Couldn't roof. Because I was like, I'm going to. I'm going to jump.

I don't even want to die. That's what my therapist said. He said, you know what's great is you don't want to do that. I was like, that's nice, but the panic attacks. His buddy took a ske to die. That's what my therapist said. He said, you know what's great is you don't want to do that. And I was like, that's nice, but the panic attacks. His buddy took a skeet shooting. What's it called? Clay shooting?

That's the best. And we all have our shotguns down and the whole time I hit it, I can just kill both of these dudes. And then blow my fucking ass. Did you have to stop? I literally was sweating my palms. That doesn't give me anxiety.

I go, that's weird. I like feel the shape of the idea and I go, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, I feel it. How do you let it go? Because you feel it, you recognize it, and then you let it go. Yeah, yeah. You don't harp on it and obsess over it. I was like, what if I throw

myself out the window? What if I throw myself out the window? Because you recognize the thought and then you go, okay, this is a thought that I'm having and that's okay. And then I was like, I'll call the cops, but then they won't be there to rescue me in time. So you don't want solutions. No then I was like, I'll call the cops, but then they won't be there to rescue me in time and I'll jump out. Solutions. No, I've been dealing with imp of the regrets

for my whole life. It's not even what it's called. What gets me spiraling is going is I have a conversation and I go effective communication is not possible. I will never be understood.

And the idea of facing a whole life of being misunderstood, I'm not sure I can take that. Chris, I just want you to know that And not only that, I've spent the last 40 years communicating poorly and probably not recognized it. How old are you? Stop.

This is like if Tigger sat down and all of a sudden just gave like a philosophical, this is crazy. That's what, that's what cripples me. A little fun loving suicide talking against you. And I can't, and I can't navigate it and I can't stop it.

And it's, it's forever until I die. As in language doesn't give you enough of a framework to say what you really mean? No, it's both. I don't have the words and other people don't understand the meaning of what I'm trying to say. What's that? And I can't.

What do you mean? Yeah, yeah. Wait, so other people can't, but you know they understand. We understand what you're saying right now. Can you say it in another way? I don't really get it Do you ever have Haven't you had the simpatico connection with somebody where you're like I think they're understanding everything I'm saying I have had that

Then he fucks them for a year and then they break up Yeah, exactly But it's more like It's more like Have you ever heard someone repeat to someone else What they think you said Yeah And you go, that's not even close.

And you go, holy shit. That's every retelling of her. Is this what you're saying I'm saying? That's what you just did when we first started this. When he was like, this is what Tommy's saying. I was like, that wasn't even close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, you're saying that the bottom of somebody's stomach

is ejaculating a smell so foul that Tommy's eyes are growing out of his face. And Tommy's like, I just met halitosis, actually. No, but he doesn't need that. You must worry. I couldn't possibly be thinking about what I was saying. No, because we had the halitosis

conversation before. We looked it up. You know it's curable. And what you're saying is you're talking about something deeper in someone's gut. I'm talking about somebody You know it's curable. And what you're saying is you're talking about something deeper in someone's gut. I'm talking about somebody who chooses not to cure it. How'd we get to halitosis? Sorry, sorry. This is every relationship fight I've ever had.

About halitosis. No, it's just I see the connection. I think you're right. You should kill yourself. I see how these things are intimately correlated. Because of a previous conversation that you've had with him, so you know. Yes. Yes.

Well, what's really going on is he probably knows what you're saying, but he also wants to agree with me because I wasn't there for the previous conversation. He doesn't want to give me a full debrief on the previous conversation. So instead of you just being like, yeah, halitosis, you're like, but it's this. And he's like, just shut the fuck up. I like it.

I like your theory, but no. What? I think that's close. We've had better help. I think you work at Regal Cinema because you're projecting. Oh. I'm not projecting. Hi, we forgot to record a ad, so I'm going to record it from my hotel room in Burlington, Vermont.

Why must the lamps and the paintings always make me feel bad? Okay. Why must the lamps and the paintings always make me feel bad? Okay. When you're spending all your money on presents and rats, save on your food with HelloFresh. I didn't even know they sponsor us. I'm really excited about this because I don't get food for myself. I eat all the snacks, which are usually cough drops.

So this might be very good for me. I only started getting my vitamins because of a sponsor. So maybe. HelloFresh is America's number one meal kit. They send pre-portioned ingredients with delicious recipes straight to your door. It's way cheaper than takeout, and you'll never waste money on excess food. They have over 45 recipes and more than 100 seasonal add-on items to choose from every week, so you won't feel like you're eating the same thing all the time. I already said that part. HelloFresh has easy breakfast you can quickly whip up before you run to work and fast minute lunches.

You're saving money. You're saving time not to have a grocery store. You're saving your body from the consequences of those late night fast foods runt. Go to HelloFresh.com slash S-K-A-F-R-E-E. That's Ska Free and use code Ska Free. S-K-A-F-R-E-E. That's Ska Free and use code Ska Free. S-K-A-F-R-E-E for breakfast for life. For free breakfast for life. What? We can get free breakfast for life if we type that in. What? Okay. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. Holy smokes.

Um, that's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash S-k-a-f-r-e-e with code ska free um cool now i'm gonna read the other one be any in manscaped december 11th code ska if you listen to this podcast at all you'll know that i just want to shave your balls already. Who wrote that? That was written for us and that's not what we would say. No, it's not. Okay. So I have been talking about this on stage. I think balls should be hairless. I think, and the reason why I say that is because if they're going in our mouth, I don't know if I'm allowed to talk to this on this ad, but I think your balls should be

hairless because, ah, and we got one of these, we got one of these. No, it's okay. No, I'm sure it's one of my hair. It's not you. Okay. So, um, anyway, uh, this isn't about looking hot for the partner. This is about you giving yourself the Christmas gift of some silky smooth balls with Manscaped. The new performance package 5.0 includes the Lawn Mower 5.0. I like how they're trying to make it seem masculine. The Weed Hacker, in case it's not gay. Ultra Body Trimmer. The Weed Whacker. Holy shit, there's...

That's crazy. And the 2.0 Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer, their Crop Soother, Aftershave Lotion, and Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant. Personal endorsement, like I said. No, I don't buy the ball. It's just that. Okay. When you get the performance package 5.0 Manscaped, we will throw in two free gifts. A super comfortable pair of boxers. Pretty cool. And a bag to store all of your stuff. That's so nice. Whether you're buying it for yourself or for someone else for Christmas, I've got a discount for you.

Get 20% off and free shipping. That's always good. They always get you with that. With the code SKA, S-K-A, at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code SKA. Give the gift of Manscaped this holiday season. Bye.

You're worried about never being understood and that gives you panic attacks? I'm worried about taking a thing and just Yeah Oh yeah yeah Now that That wouldn't hurt me I mean that wouldn't scare me but

I mean that wouldn't kill me Tase yourself That I can control Fucking liar You're a puss Suicide I can control Me you I heard that

Wait does it go through jeans Oh yeah Yeah try it Yeah I had Steve-O tase me I heard that. Wait, does it go through jeans? Oh, yeah. Yeah, try it. Yeah. I had Steve-O taste me. Oh! Steve-O's the only one that tastes me. You got it.

Oh, wow! Oh, yeah. Chris, your turn. That's cool, dude. You got to try that. Yeah. Hold it on your skin and press the button. That's nuts.

Yeah. The top button. Yeah. Ah! Dude, it's legit. That made a noise. That thing's never made before. Wait, I've never seen anybody just... That was just black dead shark doll eyed all at once.

That was out of this world. I knew something bad was going to happen. And you still did it. Yeah, but I didn't know what type. Everybody else, their body tells them to and you just... That sucked. It's so localized, it's manageable.

You were the real deal. That was awesome. We heard it. We're cosplaying. You're the fucking real thing. That sucked. He didn't even jump. That was crazy.

I've never seen that. You heard the noise. Dude, it's 500,000 volts. No way. That's what it says. It's like a Metro North train. Oh, no, 5,000. It's just like a low-key genius.

It's another suicide option. Is he a secret genius? It's like a shotgun in my mouth. It's another suicide option. Is he a secret genius? It's like a shotgun in my mouth. It can't be. What are you talking? Two ropes around my neck? Get out of here.

1.21 gigawatts. Hey, better help it. If you're going to kill yourself, stay off the fucking tracks. Don't be selfish. You hang yourself in the woods. That's a two and a half third rails. That's a third rail and then if it doesn't work you go back again. That's how many of that rails it is.

Oh my god. That's so funny. I think we're just unveiling that Chris is incredibly intelligent with shit all over his hands. I don't have time to slow down. I got these thoughts. They're coming a mile a minute.

We're in the bathroom going, dude. Dude, you are the homeless schizophrenic guy who's great at the violin. You guys ever watch Shark Tank? That's what I'm afraid of. That's who you are. Don't give him this. I know, but I've never played the violin. Well, wait until you start.

You're going to know it off the bat. Is that a taser, too? All right. You have one more violin prop bowl, and that's it. And then we take it away. No, just for this episode. Okay. Oh, my God.

That is funny. Okay. So what's it called Imp of the regrets Imp of the perverse Impedance of the Speaking of imp Who's that little short guy

The actor From Lord of the Rings Peter Dinklage He threw a chicken wing at Jeff Hasmas the other day He threw a what Chicken wing Sitting at the cellar Peter Dinklage He's so drunk I threw a chicken wing at Jeff Hasmas the other day. Right now. Threw a what? Chicken wing. What? Chicken wing.

Sitting at the cellar. Peter Dinklage. He's so drunk. Nuh-uh. Did he hit? Did I come in? Did you ever see those midget reels? Are you sure it wasn't David and Goliath? You know what I'm talking about?

Obviously a turkey leg would be appropriate, but he just had a little. No, it was a turkey leg. It was a turkey leg. And when it hit him, it was. Yeah. You ever see those fucking reels where there's a dude doing a, but he just had a little... No, it was a turkey leg. It was a turkey leg, yes. And when it hit him, it was a turkey leg. You ever see those fucking reels where there's a dude doing a shot put, and he's a little person, and he goes like this, and then there's a quick cut, and it's just a blueberry falling into a bowl? Yeah.

Yeah. That shit gets me nuts, dude. And there's another one doing, like, the rope thing at the gym, and there's this one black dude going, come on, man. And he's just playing with his sneaker laces. There's this one of a going, come on, man. And he's just playing with his sneaker laces. There's this one of a guy, and it's like how a midget hits his hip in a doorway. And he's like, ah, damn it. It's like how a little person does it.

It's like, ah, shit. And then he does it again. It's like how a dwarf does it. And he hits, he goes, uh, daddy, my pussy. Jesus Christ. We got different feeds. That's way different than what we're describing.

That's way different. Is it? Oh, my God. Chris, you're dead on. Let me see that taser again. Yeah, he threw it at him. He was really drunk, and I was like, what's on your sweatshirt? And he was like, oh, that's a stain from where Dinklage

just hit me in the belly with a chicken wing. That's so funny, because when we had Racine on, him and McCusker, Racine's like, I see Dinklage all the time. He looks angry. Kidnap him. Joke, joke, joke. And do you think he saw the podcast and was acting out? No, he was blackout, because it was after the Sag Stripes.

It was Sag Stripes ended. And he was sitting like this. And Schultz was like, this is the night I met that hot berry guy. The guy who was in Banshees of Inner Sheeran. I don't know about any of this. No, it was crazy. It's a good movie. Great movie.

I thought it was a good movie. Poor Gillis. Gillis, I was hiding in Gillis That was crazy. It's a good movie. Great movie. I thought it was a good movie. Poor Gillis. Gillis, I was hiding in Gillis' bosom. Oh, that's right, because he was like, why didn't you say you liked me? And you were like, I'm scared. Yeah, and I crawled inside of Gillis' chair. I got shit all over my knuckles.

Wait, Dinklage is like an angry drunk? And he went like this. He was like, this is Jeff Asmus. I mean, I am now. I can't imagine. I can't imagine that concentrated. Yeah, really. Chop yourself off at the knees. I'm going to be pretty now. I can't imagine. I can't imagine that concentrated. Yeah, really.

Chop yourself off at the knees. You're going to be pretty pissed. I do. You're on a booster seat at the cellar. You're going to be upset. Yeah, your feet are dangling. Hey, we don't have a booster. Here's some newspapers.

Hey. So what did he do? He's just sitting on Andrew's lap. Was Asmus like fucking with him when he threw it? No. Asmus was like, hi. And Andrew's like, this is Jeff Asmus. He's him when he threw it? No. Asmus was like, hi, you know, and Andrew's like, this is Jeff Asmus.

He's a really funny comic. And Dinklage just was like. Dude, I would have knocked him out. You would have knocked him out? That's what I said. That's what I said. I guess Jeff was like, what the fuck, dude? That's fucked up, dude.

It's crazy. If he threw a wing on me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd pick that munchkin up and I'd wear him like a hand puppet. He'd be on top of a pizza hut. Yeah.

I roof him. I would roof Dinklage. He puts a fucking wing sauce on my white shirt. Yeah. Dinklage gets roofed. It was a nice sweatshirt too. It was a nice one

and it just had a big outline and I was like, what is that? And he said, Dinklage hit me with a chicken wing. That's considered assault. You could put your hands on somebody if they did that, right?

Yeah. Chicken wing at you They threw a chicken wing at you I can slap you If it was broken it could cut your aorta It's also just like who the fuck would defend Dinklage I'm sure there's a whole If I saw Dinklage getting his ass

Absolutely kicked in I would go probably deserved it Yeah why do we all think he's Cause he's the only midget. He's got to be the most insufferable cunt. He's the entire population's only black friend. But for midgets. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it is. The fat white girl's hanging out with them. Yeah, yeah. Every fat white girl needs a gay friend to parade around for brunch. That's the sound Digglage makes when you flick him. We call them bag hags. Yeah, I know. I didn't want to say it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah. You fucking pussy.

Shut up. I'd be heartbroken if he turned out to be a good guy. No, he's probably a great guy. He's still on this Dinklage cake. There's no way he's not. He threw a chicken wing at Asmus. What a prick. Of all the people. Jeffrey's so sweet. And it was like this. This is Asmus not He threw a chicken wing at Asmus Of all the people And it was like this, this is Asmus, he's a funny comic

It was, first of all It is very funny I like that It's just the most Dinklage thing to do It is a Game of Thrones movie John Kennedy was there and he was like He should have just said take that That's what he was expecting of him

It was a tiny turkey leg No one's ever told this dude He's never been slapped or take that. Like, that's what he was expecting of him. Like, it was a tiny turkey leg. Well, no one's ever told this dude no where actually put it. He's never been slapped or punched, do you imagine, right? Yeah. There's no fear there. He's like a drunk Irish midget. He had to have been slapped around. He's Irish?

He's English. You're making that up. He looks Irish. I mean, that's... They could have just done fucking Honey, I Shrunk the Kids magic and just cut him out of that. Wouldn't it be great if... And it's just like, now you don't have a career.

How about that? How about that? You're literally just tiny. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids magic? Magic? You said magic? Yeah. That's movie magic.

You could have said so many things. You could have said special No, make them tiny. You could have said special effects, CGI, specifically the one where they make the big people small. I don't want listeners at home to go, they can't do that. It's like, there's a movie where they did that. So shut on one step ahead of you.

I think it'd be funnier if they made them normal. With our paintings! Dude. You just fell into, like, a philosopher's paradigm a second ago, where you're like, I always wonder if I'll never be understood. They're like, you's a magic time movie. I'm the Abbot and Abbot tiny guy.

It's the duality of man, Jordan. I have both things. Anyway, that's my impetus of regrets. Yeah, that's an impetus of regrets. Is he an imp? He's awfully close. He was in the show. Awfully close.

He hates him. You hate him. You hate Dinklage. I would love him, but I don't like he's throwing chicken wings at my fucking friends. Yeah, true. Now you him. You hate English. I would love him, but I don't like he's throwing chicken wings at my fucking friends. Yeah, true.

Now you're almost shitless. Look who's got a hundred friends now. Yeah, one of your best friends, Jeffrey Asmus. My childhood best friend, Jeffrey Asmus. My childhood best friend,

Jeffrey Asmus. I've never had more friends than when I don't like somebody. You're doing that to my friend? He's randomly fighting strangers. Yeah, yeah. Any excuse to get pissed off? Hey, mister. to my friend? He's randomly fighting strangers. Any excuse to give this off? Hey, mister.

Everyone who lives in Philly's my friend. Oh, it's good. I know, that's what I use. The homeless guy at the cellar put Tyler Fisher's phone in his pants and now every time he's like, can I have a dollar? And I'm like, you hurt my friend. I'm not giving you any money. And and he's like you never gave me money and i'm like what what we're gonna be talking you're just gonna slowly have like a negligee

i'm hot i don't know why i'm stretched like this but i'm hot don't fart i don't don't i don't don. I don't know why I'm stretched like this, but I'm hot. Don't fart. I don't. Don't fart. I don't. Don't fart. I don't.

If you fart, we'll do what we were doing. Sam Murill and Mark Norman's podcast. And Ian's wearing a fucking, what's his name? Austin Powers outfit. And all of a sudden, Mark, like the king farter, was like, oh, oh. And Sam's like, oh. And Ian's like, I'm sorry. And I look, and the producers are across the room being like,

oh, shoot. I thought it was going to be quick. All that old cum falling on your butthole. It's so funny. That conversation you have with your asshole before you fart, you're just like, please don't stink. Please don't stink, dude. Listen, I know you burned me in the past,

but I'm trusting you one more time, assy. Yeah, dude, give me one more. Do the thing you did one time. One time, please. I know you told me you could change. Do the thing you did one time when we were outside. I'm going to let you out. Remember, church,

you better come right back in when you're done. It's like a dog. Go do your thing and get right back in here. You want to do leechless? Oh, I see you've done it again. We're going to do a leechless walk today. You're not going to stink up the place, alright? And then for a second, somebody's like, come on, you're like, betrayal!

Betrayal! I doth have been betrayed! Bring it in, bring it in, bring it in. Dude, Chris, dude. That moment, that moment at dusk when your dog's at the other end of the yard. Come on, don't do this. He looks back.

Don't fucking do this. He looks back and you're like, don't, man. Max, don't, dude. I swear to God, please don't. And he's like, he just does that one walk and you're like, oh, fuck. Let me get my shoes.

Let me tie them, double knot these. You take your fucking slippers off, you pause your movie. I gotta go chase my dog for 35 fucking minutes Dude Chris tuned it the other day In C-Town and I had shit on my teeth

It was unbelievable I had to cut through it I had to take a box and cut through stink It was unbelievable It was unbelievable I was like Chris and he goes I know I had to take my pants off Dude his response was so perfect It was unbelievable, dude. Oh, my God. I was like, Chris, and he goes, I know. He just goes, I know.

I had to take my pants off. Dude, his response was so perfect. Dude, he just goes, I know. We still had more tomatoes to look at. Come on. Where did your pants go? I took my pants off. I was on my knees looking for a specific tomato sauce.

Chris lays a bomb, and I can't get out. I'm trapped in this shit. It sounds like you're telling a Vietnam story. A guy turns and comes down starts coming down the hallway. Let's go. He didn't want to be associated. Chris has got his hands in his pocket

like a union construction guy and he just goes, I know, I'm sorry. If I don't respond to this, you can imagine. When I fart, my expression doesn't change. It was horse dung. I dropped something and my sister was cleaning it up by me

and then she was like, oh! And there was this horrible smell and she was like, how could you do that? My head is right by you. And I was like, it actually wasn't me this time. And I look over her shoulder and my mom was like this. Sometimes you gotta pimp a good fart. She does one of these where it flicks back and forth.

So bad. We were in a fart off over competition. I mean, a fart a competition. Have you seen those videos that goes, guess my fart? No, like flavor wise? No, no, no. Like your balls away. What? I'm sweating because you're making me laugh so hard.

This is not acceptable. You're going for my sack. Short shorts. Oh, my hip. What are these shorts? What's going on here? From God's Hate. They're a band. They're great. Good shorts. I get those sent to me all the time. They're kind of sick. They're like Zubas.

You guys should get them God's hate Check it out Zubas I'll tell ya Zubas Zubas Zubas Zubas

Those like Tiger print Old school 90s Sports pants Umbro Zubas Zubas Zubas

Are we speaking African? What the fuck is African right now? Why does it have to be African? Because you're using Zumba Zumba You know Yeah, now we're getting there Wait, how would you never be understood

If people are Get over it, we already passed it I had something to say and you talked about my legs Where are you going to put that booger? What? Where are you going to put that belly? No, you had a little booger in there. What's with your lower shirt?

We got a little shit and a booger on this finger. If I had a booger, I'd cop to the booger. He would. At this point in the podcast, for me to deny there was a booger on my finger would be insane. The other day we were just sitting talking, and he went, and I started going, and he went, uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no.

He went, uh-oh, uh-oh, you weren't supposed to. I wasn't supposed to do that in front of you. Every once in a while, you got to check in. Yeah, during COVID, I read that they're good for you. You're not going to believe it. You certainly won't believe this. I've never eaten a booger. I've never eaten a booger. I've never eaten a booger

once in my life. Never once in my life. Never once. I bet that's a good factory for him. Do you eat boogers? Have you? Really? Yeah.

Sometimes you yank one out and it's so good, you're like, I just got to taste you. Yeah. You go wet or dry? Are you like chewing on like a nail clipping?

Or are you going wet, boog, and like... I don't put that much thought into it, man. You go wet. It's like checking the oil, dude. It's your data collection. Yeah, sometimes you go wet and then you... There you go. I'm being honest.

Please be honest. Stop. Are you being honest? What is it actually like? Please make it less. What do you mean? Please make it less. What do you mean? What is it actually like? Please make it less. What do you mean? Please make it less. What do you mean, what is it actually like?

The booger. If you pull a big one out, it's no-go, right? Yeah, it's like a fruit roll-up. You just unfold it. You put it in? Yeah, take a bite out of it. Here, hold on. No, please don't do it.

Please don't do it. I will throw up. What? Are you always locked and loaded? You got one in the chamber all the time? No, well, they've been blank recently. I will throw up What? Are you always locked and loaded? You got one in the chamber all the time? No Well they've been blank recently There's snot in the back of your nose

Dripping into your throat Right now You walk around with shit on your hands You don't think a booger's You think a booger's bad? There's something about You just don't like the entrance it's coming in There's something about taking it out

And having the snot in the back of it And the hard part That's delicious It is. The snot and hard? That is a swirl. The hard one's the hard one for me. It's got a good texture.

It's like crispy calamari or something. It is a delicious moosh moosh. Dinner and dessert's all at once. Like a creme brulee. On top, you break it And it's nice and creamy I will say the extraction of that specific booger is wonderful That feels great Oh my god

When it feels like it's coming from the center of your skull And you don't want anyone else to have it Damn this rug is just all Yeah What? Boogers No We eat them

Oh man No but it's like after a shower. I cannot believe this. You scratch your balls and you smell your fingers. That's normal. Belly button? Yeah. Of course.

What? I don't have a deep enough. I bet your belly button stinks. No, sometimes it smells like belly button. Mine smells good. Get it away from me. Mine's not deep enough to get any. The fuck are we doing?

What time? What fuck are we doing? What time? What time are we at? We're sniffing our bellies. We're at 55. Dude, I'll fuck you. This was all poop farts. I'll fuck you. Get the fuck away.

That was the belly, but not my ass. Get all of it away. That was my belly's ass. Oh, my God. I can't believe you. How close are you guys? You guys ever have sex? No.

Never. Have you guys? You ever kissed? We've never kissed. I've become closer than you guys. Yeah, probably. You guys are probably closer to dating than we are. Yeah.

You guys live together? Not anymore. He lives upstairs. I don't have to clean the doorknobs anymore. Oh, that's right. You moved into Shane's old place? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Life is good. Yeah. that's right. You moved into Shane's old place? Yeah. Yes.

Life is good. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. It's all right. How's the pod going? It's a good lesson in sticking to it. Yeah.

It's that most crossover I've had. Yeah, yeah. A good lesson in sticking to things and not quitting. Because you didn't move out. And look at the, you're reaping the benefits of longevity. I just moved into a place where myself can hear my heartbeat as I'm going to sleep. You got a lot of issues. You need a sound machine.

You're a sound machine mind. You need sound machines. Do you listen? I listen to people talk. She needs Anton Sugar's fucking pressure gun to the center of her fucking head. Anton Schubert? No country from old man.

You know that gun That he has Did you say Anton Schufert? Anton Sugar What's his name? Do you remember Anton Schufert? Yeah The black comic from Philly?

Yeah what happened to him? I don't know I thought I was going to get an update No Anton Sugar What's the guy's name? I don't fucking know Javier Bardem Javier Bardem Why Javier Bardem.

Why did you say Anton Chigurh? Because I thought that was his name in No Country for Old Men. Anton Chigurh. Yeah. Anton Chigurh. Yeah. What's going on with this? It's pretty good.

What you need. I didn't know he had a name. Is his weapon in your head. The cattle prod. I'm glad we got this. Anyway, it's really scary living alone. And I live in a studio, so my bed is just in the middle with all this room and people. Oh, man.

It's very dangerous. Yeah. You got to have separate spaces. It's not dangerous. I can't. Because I'm by myself. I need to see all my things. Maybe curtain off your bed a little bit, maybe.

Make like a canopy? A section. No, because then what if a ghost through the canopy? Make like a... Canopy? A section. No, because then what if a ghost through the canopy? Hello. You know what I mean? Ooh, get him. Get those noodle things.

That's not good. Get a bean thing like a fucking hemp shop. Yeah, and then I hear it rustling, and I'm like... Like that? Well, that's the whole point. It's a fucking... It's a trigger. It's an alarm. But you can't be sleeping in the same room you're supposed to be living alone.

Hold on, he's going to drop some knowledge. Go ahead. No, that's it. The feng shui? I don't know about feng shui. It's like this, bedroom. Didn't he get a Netflix? Yes, I love my bed.

It's like a cookie jar. I got you, baby. I'm picking you up on that one. Although, kitchen, I go in kitchen, did my work a bunch today. That was nice. The desk has my, I got a giant TV. Put it on the desk. You're not hanging the TV?

I am, but I didn't get my drill because my ex had it and I just got the drill batteries back, but then I left the drill in my old house and I get those and that'll be,

if I had the drill, I would have been able to get out of my apartment today, but I didn't, so I had to knife my way out and a black man came and fixed it and I was humiliated because I was like,

I'm a carpenter, I know how to fix this. It wasn't necessary. Wait, you had to meet your ex Girl ex boyfriend He had my drills He had my drill batteries my drill is at my other house

So I had to get the drill batteries back without Seeing him fiasco Get another guy to get it because I couldn't see him Because then I would fuck him again So I couldn't do that And then I would Or I'd try I'd try And then So then I have to go back to my other house

And get the drills Put them together Hang my shit What did your ex do for work? Let's not get into this Why? Carpentry Because you are entering a realm of hurt

That we have just limped our way out of Oh really? Yeah Alright We're out of it? Oh cause this is what you guys were talking about on the Patreon? That you were like, it's over, let's move past it? Yes.

It's a recent breakup? I'm sorry. Same one that we talked about. Now all of a sudden he gets inquisitive. Yeah, this is a minute ago. What's the time on the show? The Patreon viewers don't know that much about this one. He breaks up with me once a month. This one's the last one. Never happening again. Two years.? The Patreon viewers don't know that much about this one.

He breaks up with me once a month. This one's the last one. Never happening again. Two years. Breaks up with me once a month. Devastates me. Life ruined. Comes back.

It's the same one. Yeah. Totally fine. We talked about it on yours. Yeah, we did. I didn't know it was the same one. I thought you'd been scooting around town. I always go back.

I'm a loyal dog. I am. I'm very loyal. You can't go back. You gotta knock around I go back Somebody else I know but I hate everybody They are awful They're awful

They're either like hot This guy sounds pretty fucking awful I know but I like the mean My therapist said I have to find somebody who's distant It's the first thing we're not talking about It's a boogers and shit That was in a green In poke

Like yeah Yeah Yeah But yeah Let's set her up with a fan. Let's have a contest. Stop watching fucking movies and get her. Ow!

Make a dating show. Get her. We should do that. I went on a date the other day and it was bad. It was hilarious. Like, what happened? We both had two bad dates. On the date?

Yeah. He pulled the chair out for me. He opened the door for me. He had pointy boots. Treated her like a human. Nightmare. He had lavender. Lavender oil on him. Nightmare. He said that every artist has its own fingerprints. It's her like a human. He had lavender oil on him.

He said that every artist has its own fingerprints. It's like a first communion. What the fuck is this? I stood up and he stood halfway. Do you hear me? He's matching your energy like an interview? What's so bad about a first communion? You know when you stand up and a woman leaves the table?

I would stand up and he would and I'd be like, please sit. That's fucking weird And he's like Milady Yeah He was a milady That old school shit is

And then I went on a date With a guy Who thought he was a vampire And he wore velvet gloves With rings over it Shut the fuck up I swear to god And then I saw him

The other night At Cafe Reggio Why did you go on a date With that guy This was like Two months ago And you were just seeing If you liked the

I was feeling low and I wanted attention You wanted sex Did you leave his gloves on when you fucked him? I didn't fuck him Ian, he was speaking in gibberish I swear to God I didn't fuck him He was almost a homeless man He was speaking to me in poems, it was weird

This guy was hot as hell, the milady was so hot But then he talked I'm not fucking any guys. We didn't fuck. I showed up on the date to hang out to get a tip test of the situation. I didn't like it so I got up and left. Middle of the date. What? Suck my dick. That's crazy

rude. What? How is that rude? I don't want to waste his time. Did he go like this as you were walking out? What do you mean? I texted Pat Berger, said, call me in five minutes and tell me I have to do a spot at McDougal. We both left our dates.

That's a nice move. That's a nice move. And I was like, oh, really? I have to. OK. See, I didn't lie. I said, hey, you're great. I am just not feeling this right now.

Where'd you meet the vampire? Grinder. And I wish you the best with your album because he goes I'm winning a Grammy in March and I go oh what's your album and he goes I haven't made it yet but I'm planning on producing it soon okay good see

good thank you yes it was psychotic if he hadn't been an egomaniac I would have been like that's true he's got velvet gloves and rings over him it's true you need more information he immediately sits down and goes maniac. I would have been like, that's rude. It's true. You need more information. He sits down and goes, do you like my pants and outfit? I got ready just

for you. And I was like, and then he was kind of rude to the staff, and I was like, yo, this ain't happening. Dude, this is scary that you matched with this man, though. But why did you think? There's no match. You don't see them? You do see them. He wasn't looking at his hobbies

There's not matching Yeah I was looking at his tight bussy Does he show his bussy Showed his bussy Really Nice bussy And then you're like He's a Mexican bussy

Oh it's Mexican That makes sense It's Mexican Mexican vampire It's really scary This is a horror flick dude Yeah It's really fucked up We need a horror flick, dude. Yeah.

It's really fucked up. We need to get you into a program. That is... That is... That is bad. Would you like to see my... Would you like to see my... Yeah. Hi, hello.

Was he like a Transylvanian Dracula? Pennsylvania. He was a Mexican goth vampire. I swear to God. He had the hair over his eye. Started speaking to me in poems. Jesus Christ.

Oh yeah. Rings over his garden gloves. He's in. I like that. I'll take that. Whoa. He's in I'll take that Whoa He showed up with 20 other Vampires undocumented Just waiting in the back of the truck

He said I just wanted to thank you for your president Biden I have to be at Home Depot at 6am Don't worry I float there I am a vampire That's gotta be a shitty walk of shame Having to show it at Home Depot still in your guise Yeah I got laid last night And he can't even go inside unless he's invited in

Oh man Oh my god Mexican vampire Yeah it is saying you have to Oh, man. Oh, my God. Mexican vampire. Yeah, it is saying you have to. Yeah, you got to. We got to get you help. Why are you talking about? You walk around with shit on your hand.

No, I don't. That's Chris. I lost my job. Yeah, but not next to vampires. It's actually the garlic bulb. It keeps you away. Vampires can't take poop on their head. Just dingleberry necklace? You're terrified of them.

You boy gave vampires? Oh my god. They're so neat and tidy. There's seven balls of shit on a necklace. You said I gotta go? Yeah. And I said, best of luck with your album. I said, I hope to listen to it one day. Good luck with the Grammy. What did he say? Okay. He said, I hope to listen to it one day. Good luck with the Grammy. What did he say?

Okay. Was he like? He said, say what you mean and mean what you say. Oh, that's right. Of course he fucked me. And I said, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Is that what you're saying? Just saying another thing.

God, I wish I was sitting next to this fucking Challenger explosion. Answering. Imagine sitting next to this fucking challenger explosion. Answering. Imagine sitting next to this date and just being like this. This is the stupidest fucking losers I've ever seen in my life. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. Those who don't mind scum about. What the fuck was that? Dude, they both walk away. Why did you come back in his on his turf? You just go, whatever, man.

I imagine you both walk away. And there's like, you're sure, dude. Fucking kick rocks. You're vampire music. Jesus Christ. Don't let him drag you down. How bad do you feel now for not saying

whatever dude like even hearing that I was like yeah that would have been better that would have been a lot better I would have crushed him

whatever dude that was so nice responding in a riddle you know how bad you have to be at dating to get broken up with in the date when we're not dating

yeah Jesus Christ i'm not even gonna ride this out that's how insufferable you are get a fucking grip do you have any idea how nice i am how insecure i. This could have gone on for another four hours of you being a little less terrible. But instead, Ian was like,

hey, riddle me. What fish, who fish, red fish, blue fish? Oh, waiter, hold the green eggs

in hand. No, I will not eat your ass in the house. Oh, my God. You had him if you had just dead on him for about.5 seconds

just like this. Whatever, dude. That would have been so good. He would have gotten up and taken the gloves off and been like, you're right.

I need to change. I am a man. I just call my father. He doesn't let himself fix his hair. He goes, what the fuck am I wearing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to change. I am a man. I'm just like, I'm my father. He doesn't even stop fixing his hair. He goes, what the fuck am I wearing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like that zapper in that fucking Will Smith movie. Yeah, yeah. Whatever, dude. Holy shit, I was gay for that long? And all I needed,

all I needed was the detail of he thinks he's going to Grammy, win a Grammy next year to go from like, that's so rude, to like, you should have told him to go fuck himself. You should have dragged him on the back of a truck.

He thinks you want a speech. I'd like to thank E-Finance for waking me up. You should have spit in his face. Oh my God. You can't hold your knees with your legs open and laugh into the camera. Like this? I'm laughing. He walks away jingling

from all the rings in his asshole. Like a janitor's set of keys. I reach in to get my rings back like a claw machine. I just feel like by the end of the episode, you're just going to be riding these poor boys. We all have dreams, don't we, lady? I've been doing

RDLs. Roman deadlifts. I'm going to do that from here on out. Whatever, dude. That's great. Oh my god. Let's go find that guy and redo that. I'm probably fucking floating around, flapping his wings.

The guy who I went on a date with was like, hey, I shouldn't have been so polite and sweet I get that that's a turn off I'll make sure to be an asshole in the future and I was like I'm I was like I'm a cunt you're very nice stay being nice goodbye and that and that was it oh didn't he message you the next day like

I yearn for the time to speak upon your name again moon emoji yeah what'd he say? He was like- He said, he said I was a, I was like, I'm a bit of a-

You're a goddess. You're a goddess, yeah. Must be weird. He quoted the four agreements within the first 10 minutes of sitting down. The what? The four agreements.

What's that? How do we explain it? Self-help book that's along the lines of Buddhist- It's like Carlos Ruiz or whatever. Worse than quoting Marcus Aurelius? Really rough.

No, it's like the four ways to live. Just go get jerked off at a nail salon. Nail salon? Yeah, go to a quiche. I got a spot for you. They don't jerk women off. I don't do that. Next to the grizzly pear,

Abby, she's great. She says, I love you and I'm her boyfriend for an hour. Really? My massage therapist cracked my back and went, your boyfriend's going to love me for doing this to you. And I was like, why? Because you're like removing my spine and a lizard roll. She always slaps my hiney and I have lips tattooed on my butt. And she goes, I want to kiss you. Oh, I forgot you have that. And she I walk in and they go, Ian!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it's like cheers for a whorehouse. And she tickles me while I jerk off. I don't make her jerk me. That's why they like you, because you probably tip them extra. Wait, you beat off and she tickles you? She doesn't tickle me. She just traces her fingers around me

to make me feel nice. You know, I'm going to invent one for women. Are you talking shit to her? I like that. No. You talking? No, I'm not like aggressively like... Are you saying like wild stuff?

You fucking bitch. No. You fucking bitch. You fucking sex trafficked little fucking immigrant. You can return that shirt. It looks like shit. Nice heels, you fucking pig with purple. That's the fastest way to get hit

With a whatever dude Which is gently petting Oh my god I gotta piss I had fun That's the podcast Stuff Island We got a tour coming up

We're starting to plan for Stay tuned we got some merch out there. We have a cooking show called Look at This. Check out the Patreon. There's fucking tons of shit. We're cooking. Great Patreon. We strive to be as good as your Patreon. You guys are very much worth it.

Thank you. Jordan? We're plugging at the beginning of the episode. Yes, but I just want to say shout out to Street Power. Your new album's awesome. Oh, fuck yeah. What? It's a band.

Street Power, yeah. Yeah, Street Power. They're coming out with an album next year. It's supposed to win a Grammy. It's going to be really good. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. We love you. Come to our shows.

Thanks for saying hi. You're the best. Hey. Beanie and Pod. We love you. Come to our shows. Thanks for saying hi. You're the best. Hey. Hell yeah. Bye. It was really fun. It was so fun. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.