Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 073: Lady King W/ Jessie Jetski Johnson

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

Hi, Jordan here. January 5th and 6th, I'm going to be in Providence, Rhode Island. Then I'm going to be in St. Petersburg, Florida with that guy. Madison, Wisconsin, I'll be without him. Bozeman, Montana, San Diego, Sunnyvale, California. Then we're doing a run in Nashville, Chicago, Rosemont. And then I'll be on my own again in Arlington, Virginia, Las Vegas. Nope, I'll be with you then too. Austin, Texas, Sacramento, Boston, Appleton, Wisconsin. Where, where can they find you? Punch up live.com is where I'm at. That's for Jordan. And for me, Ian finance.com because January four through six Philadelphia punchline. That's right. And then January 11th through 14th, we're in Tampa, St. Pete, Florida,

being Ian with Jordan and we're doing headlining shows on our own. And I'm going to be in Calgary, Seattle. Where's Calgary? Canada, Portland, Sacramento, San Francisco, San Diego. I'm coming all over. IanFightAnts.com

How do you watch here today? Enjoy the show Sorry, sorry, sorry Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live Alive

Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan It's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Where's the show bar? Yes. You can do better. That was a good one. Shana Tova.

Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. Jordan. You're a retard. Am I PMSing? I think you are scheduled to. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. 10 days. 10 days.

10 days. 10 days away. You're PMSing. Don't tell me. Your period's a week away, but you're PMSing. I'm recovering from COVID. Oh. COVIDicus.

That's a joke because if people see that, they're going to go and she still showed up to places. I actually don't have COVID, which is shocking. Thank you. Good for saying it. Because I can't. I can still smell everything. Smells that. Anyway,

we are so happy today to have our very special guest. Rainey wrote a book? You have just found out that Mike Rainey wrote a book. The book has been here the whole fucking time. Is it selling well? Yes, it's called On Perks, Facebook While Intoxicating. Go out and buy it by Mike Rainey.

Is it doing well?ey. You are. Is it doing well? Yeah. No, it's not. There's no way. Yes. Really? Why are you being mean? You're such a cunt.

You are. I just couldn't even believe that he could drive, much less write a book. That's very impressive. He's the best. Oh, I'm thinking of a different guy. Yes. I'm thinking of.

You're thinking of Shainer. No, that makes. I'll read that book. Yeah, Shainer. We have a guest today. Yes. And we're so excited. We're so excited. Jesse Jetski Johnson. How did you get the name Jetski? Is it because it sounds like Jesse? Yes.

Nice. Yes. It's so simple. Same with Juicy. I'm kind of scared to be here. Why? I mean, you guys are very inviting. I'm happy to be here with you. I'm not inviting today because I'm going through a breakup. I'm a little sick. Last time I saw you. Can I say that?

Say it louder. Yo, last time you were there for it. Toronto. That was over the summer. Was it? Yeah. It wasn't that long ago.

It was over the summer and then it was weeks ago and months ago. Say everything you feel. I love you. Well, I got here and Ian offered me a knife and some pills. That was an upstairs secret. You said say everything. I offered her. I got her coffee.

And then I did offer you a knife. Yes. And they weren't pills. They were specifically medications. Like. That you take. Yeah, that I take. Oh.

Yeah. It wasn't like, hey, want some Oxy? I know. Want some of my Lamictal and Effexor? You're on Effexor? Yeah Crazy Why? I finally found what worked for me

I just can't Effexor was crazy for me Effexor did you get it wrong? It affects the shit out of me Yeah She said Effexor did me wrong What's wrong with your ass? Is it?

I was going to ask this What's wrong with your ass? What's the issue? What just happened? I was going to ask this. There was a gal on Tinder who was very forward and made a comment. The text you got the other night that said, Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to send that to you. That's my nephew's fundraiser, whatever. By the way, I miss your cock in my throat. That's horrible.

Who were we sitting with? Oh, it was me and John Kennedy. We were like, Ian, Ian, Ian. Shout out, Alicia. Why do you keep taking Wolf off? It's fine, then. Because it keeps getting caught on things and I like it and I was thinking about making it a necklace

you just have to file its nose down what do you think of this Jordan got it for me it's badass right yeah I really but I will say it it keeps getting like a snagged on stuff yeah like I I went to like itch my ear and it went like

oh no. Yeah. You know. Flip it over. Flip it over. So the doggy's down. No. Doggy in.

Doggy towards Downward dog. Downward dog. Yes. Now turn it back around normal. Idiot. Okay.

Now try to see if that snags. Still. Like. I can't get it. You got to wear the giant Indian head. Didn't Native American head. Didn't the head of the Native American.

You lost. No, because I was flat. Oh. Anyway, this girl on Tinder immediately, I was like, hey, you're cute. What do you bleed to do? And she I go, what are you doing? What are you up to? And she goes, hopefully to, and to cama,

which means like in your bed. Like that's what I'm doing. Hopefully in to cama? Like, cause she said in Spanish, like, hopefully I'll be in your bed, right? And I was like, yo como to culo, which means I want to eat your ass. And she was like, much better name. I know, right, como tu culo? Which means I want to eat your ass. And she was like.

Culo is ass? Yeah. Much better name. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah. Culo? Yeah. Culo is ass?

Do you speak Spanish? Un poquito. Oh, yo quiero. Taco Bell. Taco Bell. I hold the brim of my nose in shame. So then we move it to Instagram because I thought she was a bot because a lot of bots go on Tinder.

Yeah, nobody's attracted you but bots. And trans women. I really am not having a good day. Guess what I did today to try and... I went to Pilates and I took a bath and I read and I tried to do everything so that I would fix my frown upside down. I also canceled spots last night.

Slept until 11. You deserve it. You deserve it. You're canceled spots last night, slept until 11. Good. You deserve it. You deserve it. You're doing great. Good for you. You look pretty. You can't tell that you're sick. I'm not sick, by the way.

Just hold some things close to the chest. So I moved it to Instagram, and then she's like, well, why don't we go out tomorrow night, blah, blah. The story's taking forever. Sorry, I fell asleep. You fucking bitch.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. She texted me anyway, so it doesn't matter. So you guys are going to date? No, we're going to go out to eat at the Selka tonight. That's a date? Shit, I just was by the Selka the other night. It's the best. Found out about it.

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna go too with you guys. Do it. Okay. I'm so pissed that they don't have cold borscht anymore. Cold? It's my favorite. I like hot borscht. Have you ever had borscht? Cold is crazy. Your nails are sick. Oh, thank you. Every time I paint my nails like that, it looks like I have a huge amount of dirt under them. I didn't

paint these. You know what I mean. Yeah, I know. You really gotta wash them. No, where the these. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know you really gotta wash them. No, where the black is under, where the black tips are there, it looks like I was just scratching at the ground for a long time.

I think it's my general disposition. English? Old English letters? No way. Oh, that's fucking dope. My bat says motherfucking Ian Fidance.

Yes, man. Yeah. Wrapped the merch. Yeah. Jordan says, kill me now. Yo, man. Wrap the merch. Yeah. Jordan says, kill me now. Yo, I was talking to her today

and I go, hey, can you take my 10-15 spot? I'm going to take your 9-30 because I fucking triple booked. And she's like, well, what about blah, blah? And I go,

no, no, look, it's at the same venue. You're just switching. She goes, I don't care what happens to me. Oh my God. This city is so tough. I don't know how you guys do it.

It's cold right now. Your city is way tougher to me. I don't think so. I will tell you why. It's way easy to make it in Hollywood. You and your cars, your nasty cars. Your cars have, you have, okay, your keys have lanyards attached to them

with a million keychains, all of you guys. No, no, no. I'm a push to start. Yeah, you're a push to start, but you got shit in your car. Dusty all the time. Water bottles, cans. No, no, no.

Stresses me out. And that's what makes... Yeah. And then you guys sit in the car. Difficult. And then you guys sit in the car with them forever and they do their makeup. No, next time you talk to me,

no water bottles. No water bottles? No. The only thing is there's a really hairy blanket in the back because my dog goes with me a lot that's exactly what I'm talking about

me too I don't even have a dog that's where your hair went the wind just took it back to the I'm sorry that was a soft topic that was another

upstairs conversation I know Ian's balding in case anybody hadn't noticed it's a really soft... What's the word? Soft blanket?

Soft topic? Oh, tough topic. Soft subject. Soft like your last remaining three hairs on the top of your head. Hard top. What's the saying? Hard subject? No.

Tough topic. What is it? Tough subject. This is a real hard talk. We shouldn't talk about it. This is a tough subject. People don't go, it's a hard subject. They say it's a tough subject. This is a real hard talk. We shouldn't talk about it. This is a tough subject. People don't go, it's a hard subject. They say it's a tough subject.

Listen to the words I'm saying. Do they? Yes. Tough subject, yeah. It doesn't sound right, but it does. That doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound right because you said it so many times. It's like when you say your name a bunch when you're super high and you forget that it's your name.

Like fork. This is a sensitive subject. Yes. That's what it is. It's a very sensitive subject. Wrong. I shouldn't have brought it up. I apologize. I is a sensitive subject. Yes, that's what it is. It's a very sensitive subject. Wrong. I shouldn't have brought it up. I apologize.

I'm a guest here. This is a tough city. God. What did I say it was? A tough topic. No, I said tough subject. That sounds like a hot topic where you just buy leather. Yeah.

you just buy leather. It's the Hot Topic beanie that has those little rubber glue things. Remember all those little rubber necklaces and earrings that were just like little a rubber dollop. Yes, you do.

Come on. There they go. Yeah. OK, imagine like a spiky ball, but it's like made of like rubber drips that are different colored. Remember those?

Every girl had them. Yeah. I'm not. I had so many of them. I'm on the outside. I'm not a girl. So why do you think what is what has been tough to you about New York? Well, I've been here.

How long? You have to bring it back. Two days. Three days. But it's like, you know, the spots. Somebody goes, where are you staying? I'm like Brooklyn. And they're like where in Brooklyn? I'm like oh.

That's same with LA. It's similar yeah. Going to Brooklyn to Manhattan to Osoria. It's tough. In LA you can go back to your house and like a home thing but in New York if you're out in the, you'd fucking pack a lunch and pack. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's way more social here, like because you're always around people. But in LA, you can like be alone in your car a little bit. Yeah. I like the organicness of New York. Oh, I'm here. Hey, you're here. Let's go there.

Hmm. Right. Like I have a show at 815. He'll live here at six. So then that leaves me two hours where in which I will not go back to my house because that's where I'll die so then I'll have to go to a coffee shop sit and read amongst a bunch of people probably end up staying here no I don't like being in this apartment I thought you guys lived together stop no that's offensive

I'll show you my apartment it's really nice yeah My place would be a lot nicer if she lived here. Thanks. You saw my new place. It's really nice. It's incredible. I thought like you live like here, like in this room, like a lot. Oh. Like this is also a place to hang out.

No, but we are trapped. This would be fun to hang out here. Right? That's what I'm saying. There's so much to look at and do. That's what I'm trying to tell everybody. What are you doing later tonight? Let's come back after sets.

I'll bring that Spanish girl and we'll just have fun. Ay, ay, ay, ay. That's fun. Come here to be cool. I'll bring my trumpet. You have a trumpet? Yeah. I should have brought it.

I thought about this would be the one to bring it to, but I play trumpet in my act sometimes when I'm headlining. And then at Bad Friends, I don't know if you saw, but at the end of our shows, I play, and I've played in the Kill Tony band. How long have you played trumpet? Since I was 10. Do you play ska? I never really got into ska, but I was a

huge ska head. Like, I never played ska music. But you were into ska. Yeah. I was about to say you can get up and get the fuck out. But now stay! No, I had checkered everything. Checkered bracelets, checkered shoelaces. Oh my God, that's amazing. No, no, no.

Let's listen to some ska. Oh. We can do that on here? Oh yeah, I don't have a record player anymore. Where'd it go? I used to have a record player here. Well, it's on the floor. I could pull it out. We can listen to some Operation Ivy, The Clash, Joystick, Catbite. The Clash

is not ska. The Clash is, yeah, no, I don't, I wouldn't think that's ska. I would classify The Clash as having ska roots. Ethan, Google it. No way. Rude Boy can't fail.

Rudy can't fail is ska. I like funk music. Wait, do you think Rance is ska? Yeah, ska punk. What about Green Day? No, punk. Okay, I was testing you. Yeah, look at my ring, dude.

Ska. Keep testing. This is fun. Question. Ska or nah? Tower of Power. Isn't that a or Na? Tower of Power. Isn't that a drinking game? Tower of Power. What is Tower of Power?

They're so good. They're from Oakland. Really? I've never heard of them. Ska Band? They have like eight horn players. Oh, that's amazing. They're so good. Whoa, who else do you like? Well, I wouldn't call them Ska though. Really? If you play this game in the future. What is it called? Tower of Sadness? Tower of Power. Well, I wouldn't call them a skull, though. Oh. Really? If you play this game in the future, I'd be able to kick it out of that answer. What is it called?

Tower of Sadness? Tower of Power. You are feeling sad inside. What's it called? I Should Kill Myself? The thing you're telling me? It's funny you bring that up. What?

I've never heard of jumping from a truck, man. Let's check them out. What's it called? I'm going to blink twice and you're going to end my life, please. Do you ever listen to it? I drink bleach. What's it called? Please help me for the love of God.

Just get me out of here. I'm reaching out. None of these are jokes. Just play what we just recorded on loop for an hour. Here, here's your little trumpet. Really? Yeah. No, use his.

I was like, how many people have played this? Not me. I've only played the pig. Can you play this music for me? That's something. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

Can you play Real Big Fish? That's something. I am so good at figuring out tunes. Yeah, that was really good. In my head, I was like, everybody's going to know this. And then after, I was like, wait, no. What was it? Real Big Fish. Oh, was it? Real Big Fish.

Oh, you actually played Real Big Fish? That's crazy. What's another one? He doesn't know how to play. He doesn't know how to play. You're just thinking of it in your head and moving the thing up and down. That was Super Mario.

Oh. You're an idiot. up and down. That was Super Mario. Da da da da da da. Da da da da da da. Da da da da da da. Yeah it was. You're an idiot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh this is fun.

Right? Let's just do this for the rest of the hour. Yes. She's moving it correct. You're going like this. Whatever. This is not perfect. I can't even be as retarded as you There you go

Okay It's like a trauma Your scar tissue Oh my god Stop He's tearing your ass The rats are like there's birds here no for real under the bridge let her try let her try i forget that song yeah go ahead do it again

i just played it but your voice is doing the same as the whistle yeah bingo bong bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo

bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo is a light on. That is not under the bridge. Heavy flow by the way I drive. Play that one. I lost it. What was it? Were you singing along with me? You were singing.

That's Super Mario Brothers. Think with your brain. Think about it. Stop. You need to relax. That was bing dong dong a ding dong. Ding dong dong a ding. Ba da ding do. You need to not get excited

and know. Look at me. Let me show you. Watch. I don't know. Give me a song. P&D. What was it? Down by the river. Walking across the street. Oh yeah. Down by the river Walking down the street Street

Down by the river You know what I mean? Yeah, go No, that was Proud Mary That wasn't Down by the River Yeah, but you ripped on Proud Mary No, you're playing Fortunate Song That's a different CCR song

That was good I did hear that You fucking traitor No, you're playing Fortunate Song. That's a different CCR song. That was good. I did hear that. You fucking traitor. That wasn't good. I heard it. Was it good? Yeah. That was Down by the River.

Go ahead. Try it. Use your brain. I think when you did that Rap Man song, it cracked me up so much. I should have done the Ratman song. Oh, dude. Ratman.

Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman.

Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman.

Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman.

Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman.

Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman.

Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman.

Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman. Ratman Did you see how your hand was moving around before you even did? You went crazy. I'm trying to find a note. All right, go ahead. It's called scales. Try. Wow.

She's great. Yeah. She knows how to play it. She's not masquerading as somebody who does. What song should I play? Anyway, Jetski, what else is hard about New York? You can keep playing that if you want. Well, it's cold.

But last time I was here. Anybody try and come yet? Not you, her. Anybody what? I was saying that if she wants to play, she can. I thought you said, did anybody come yet? Not you, her. Did you see anybody come on the train yet or anything?

No, I haven't been riding the train as much. I did yesterday quite a bit. It's our main attraction. I know. A track. It is. Hey! Woo!

Yes! Woo! That was M-T-A-O-K. D-Train. Now, Jetski, you've been in the city two days. What's your favorite mode of travel? Uber. I love Uber.

Why? Because it's fast and convenient. No, it's not. It's expensive. Do you use Uber? Do you have your own car? You have your own car. Yeah.

What kind of dog do you have? Half Great Dane, half Cadillac. What's your favorite month of the year? June. Really? When's your birthday? June 4th. Oh, I knew it.

I knew it. Are you a Gemini? Yeah. Nice. You don't seem like a Gemini. You seem pretty level-headed. Thank you. We both are.

That's because you're an older sister. Oh, gotcha. I've never heard anyone. I do have an older sister. And I've never heard anyone say cool when I said I'm a Gemini. I'm a Gemini. That's why I said cool. Oh, gotcha. I've never heard anyone, I do have an older sister, and I've never heard anyone say cool when I said I'm a Gemini. I'm a Gemini, that's why I said cool. Oh, right on. I like Geminis, but people get scared of us.

Why? They were like, you're two-faced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am two-faced. One day's happy, the other day's very sad. Yeah, don't we all have that? That's not two-faced. Two-faced is, it was so good seeing you.

And then I go to you and I go, she's a bitch. Everybody knows what two-faced is. Everybody knows what that is. Everybody knows what it is. But you don't because you said the wrong word for it. Oh, you know what I just found out today? Definition. Disconcerting is not a word. What? Yeah, it is. It's disconcerting. No way. I swear to God.

Who told you that? I'll bet you a hundred bucks right now. A hundred bucks. Go. A hundredcerting. No way. I swear to God. Who told you that? I'll bet you 100 bucks right now. 100 bucks. Go. 100 bucks. 100 bucks. 50 bucks. Oh, it's disconcerting?

Yep. That sounds awful. And not disconcerting. This disconcerts me. This disconcerts me. How crazy is that? How crazy is that? That doesn't make any sense. It's fucked up.

Let's go to Funky Town. Play Funky Town. I, dude, play Funky Town. I'll play the bass line. I'll take over on small violin. This place is so much fun. I got small violin. What are you going to play, Jordan? Play the four-handed.

Okay, I like it here a lot now. I feel high. This feels like a place when I was in college or just out of high school, I would trip and do drugs. Really? Yeah. I would kill myself if I was tripping in here. Do you high school, I would trip and do drugs. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I would kill myself if I was tripping in here.

Do you still have a problem? No, I'd claw myself out of that window. Do you still trip? There'd be blood under my nails from my own eyeballs. Dude, have you ever seen the video of the couple tripping on salvia and the guy's on the couch and he's like, and the girl is really tiny. She's just sitting up here really small.

And she's like, wow. Wow. You can see everything from up here. I can fit in the vent. That's what Salvia feels like, by the way. Dude, she gets so scared. She climbs on the couch and jumps out the window. Whoa.

To her death? Not to her death. No, she jumps out and comes in the front door. Salvia's crazy. It's now good. Yeah, I tried it once, but I don't I think it was like a dud because I just felt kind of high, but I didn't have like that crazy experience, but I never like I feel like because it was over the counter.

I thought it was lame. We sold it at a smoke shop I worked at. Yeah. I think I meant like CBS. Yeah. Where's the salvia? I got a place called Jabberwocky. Which sounds.

I did it at Shippensburg University and we were all my buddy's living room and we all smoked it. And then we're all just laughing and we all started to move our arms like this at the same time except our one friend Joey was in the corner of the couch burrowing a hole trying to get out. That's me. You're the guy though who I could, there were

many kids that I would be like, this is a really strong weed and I'd roll it up and it was oregano and they'd be like, I feel so high! And I would rip on them. That was you. They did a strong imagination. That happened to me once when I was like 13 or 14. I went to the... What? That happened to me. I went to the Italian

market in Philly and bought like herbs. Herbs. Herbs. What'd I say? Herbs. Which is what I call... You are. I got to beat you. Not you. Sorry, I'm two-faced. Are you a Gemini too? Capricorn.

Birthday's coming up. Yeah, and I found out that I'm also the elusive Joker because the Ace of Hearts and the King of Hearts and like the Ace of Spades, king of hearts is december 30th ace of spades is december january 1st and in between lies the elusive joker december 31st who says yeah i don't understand what are you talking about i'll fucking read it to you right now what do you fucking thing i bought in california it's like vegas astrology yeah what are you talking about? You wait.

I don't want you to read your horoscope. I want you to tell us. It's not a horoscope. It's in like. Every card has a date? The Joker, Alpha and Omega. The numeric value of the Joker is zero. Zero represents the embodiment and expression of eternal energy and inner gifts. This is, in essence, the highest card of the deck Zero represents the embodiment and expression of eternal energy and inner gifts.

This is, in essence, the highest card of the deck because its influence lies beyond the realm of what we can comprehend. As a Joker, you were fascinating to others, intelligent, imaginative, creative, powerful, loving, and a mystery even unto yourself. This is me. Tell me what I am. You are all retarded. Agreed. Okay, I'm the Joker, the Alpha Omega. Let me see your birthday. The mess.

The mess. She didn't buy it one second. Look at his fucking phone. Go back to his fucking photos of him choking his dick and then be like, oh, the mess. The Joker. He opened the door today, butt and go back to his fucking photos of him choking his dick and then be like, oh, the mess. The jokers. He opened the door today butt naked

holding his stupid dick in his hands. What? New York's different. You're not only doing that in Hollywood. He's like, I'll be ready for a minute. He ran away with his tiny little low butt. His little SpongeBob SquarePants butt. Is that why you're like, can you do

315 instead? Because I am what's naked. Okay, this is the Joker. Cardiology. Standing between the ace of hearts of December 30th and the king of spades of January 1st lies the elusive Joker, the Alpha and the Omega.

Read ours. You just read that. Idiot. Wait, so this science is called cardiology? This is cardiology. That's hilarious. Yeah. Tarot? Cardiology is for losers? Okay, what's your birthday? May 28th. I knew it. May 28th.

Cardiology. No, that's a cardiologist. You're a cardiologist? Hold on. How do you... Whoa. Oh, my God. The Joker. How do you spell cardiology? Oh, cardology.

C-A-R-D-I-O-L-O-G. I'm typing in cardiology. Heartwise cardiology. Call them for the answers. Cardology. That's what it is, right? You are the four of clubs. I love clubs. I used to call them puppy feet when I was little.

I couldn't remember they were called clubs. Wait a minute. What did you say? I used to call them puppy feet when I was little. Clubs? Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Because I couldn't remember they were called clubs. Oh, that's cute. That was pretty cute. Read it, bitch. None of this is true. Read it. She's a good girl. What? Read it.

Read it. She's a good girl. She doesn't look like she has dirt under her nails. It's just a booboo. Read it. Everybody loves her. She deserves love. She deserves love from somebody who isn't herself.

Cardology is never wrong. She'll learn to love when somebody loves her. Read it. She doesn't need to put chapstick on her knuckles during the winter. She doesn't have to spackle her. Her skin closed. She doesn't have a lump in her pussy. Read it. There's no lump in her pussy. The lump in her pussy is skin closed. She doesn't have a lump in her pussy. Read it.

There's no lump in her pussy. The lump in her pussy is benign. She doesn't. Her rosacea will go away. The rash on her ass is perfectly regular. Read it. Read it. Her clitoris is numb and that's okay. Read it. Read it. Her clitoris is numb and that's okay. Read it.

It's normal to have anal leakage. Read it. She gets shit on her thumb and it's all right. She shits on her thumb and it's fine. Stop it. Stop it. She's a princess. Stop it. She's a princess.

Stop it. Read it. I'm trying to. Stop it. She's a princess. Stop it. Read it. I'm trying to, but I can't breathe correctly. Well, look up cardiology again, then. Whoa. I found the one that's you. Okay. Read the one that wasn't me, though, one that's you. Okay. We need the one that wasn't me, though, because that's funny.

Four of clubs are very active and energetic people. They are looking for mental security and stability through the desire for change in the name of progress. Huh. Their restless nature is rarely satisfied with traditional education, and there's a constant search for new ways to become more active and substantial. They can significantly contribute to literature, philosophy, and education in general. This is not you. They have good judgment and the appeal to those of intelligence and common sense.

Yeah. No. I appeal to those. It doesn't say I am. Yeah. Common sense. Yeah. No.

I appeal to those. It doesn't say I am. Oh, either man or woman of four clubs can achieve great success in work and career, taking on superior positions. Women four of clubs have an extraordinary gift of intuition and extrasensory perception due to their autism. Oh,

she didn't buy it again. She's on to you Run for jobs usually held by men Many for clubs becomes politicians and economists Oh, you resist stupidity and triviality Because of the mental fundamentalist I do resist it I resist it right now

This fucking dumbass shit Alright What is your birthday? June 4th My name's Jordan and the shows that I'm going to be at are coming up. Here's what they are. You're supposed to do ads right now. Okay. But first, plugs. Go for it. Bro, you've already had to go to the mall 90 times because of the holidays. Don't spend the rest of your free time waiting in line at the grocery store. Just get Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meals delivery service.

They'll get you eating well for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with chef prepared. Well, I don't know if it's chef. Don't you have to kind of, okay. Chef prepared. Yeah. Oh, really? You don't have to cook it? It's not like, oh.

They prepare it and you cook it. That's the whole thing. Okay. Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Your text font is so big. I'm old.

You are old. You're not old. I'm going to be 39. That's not old. That's not font giant old. It's looks small to me. You're old. Okay. They'll get you eating well for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

We chef prepared dietary dietitian approved meals that show that show up right on your doorstep. Meal time takes two minutes. Just pop a meal in the microwave or on a skillet and heat it up and you're ready to eat. I might need to get this actually because i only microwave things personal endorsement my favorite meal is the fish um they also have a ton they also have a ton of options to choose from over 35 meals every week nothing like microwave fish they definitely beats eating those three day old three day old leftovers

you have in the fridge or as I call them Ian's three week leftovers that I eat all the time. Now this is what we say verbatim. Ready? Head to factormeals.com slash ska50 and use code ska50

to get 50% off. That's code S-K-A 5-0 at 50 to get 50% off. That's code SKA50 at factormeals.com slash SKA50 to get 50% off. Show notes. Support and get factor for 50% off. That guy from Doug Funny teaches you that if you want to bark like a dog,

you have to breathe in like this. Should I do a Beagle impression again? And this is a cat. You know who can do the best cat? Mark Norman. He'll come up behind you and go... And this is a cat. You know who can do the best cat? Mark Norman. He'll come up behind you and go. Ari Shafir texted you.

Factor. I'm going to call him a fat. Okay. Thank you. This holiday season. Tell that to your parents. Smoke it. And you can tell them that you found out that you're gay through looking at bad things on the internet through a VPN.

Yep. As you're pounding down potatoes and gravy, think about everything you looked at on your phone this past year. Every website, every OnlyFans link, whoever has access to your Wi-Fi can have access to all the crazy shit you've been looking at unless you do what I do and use ExpressVPN. There are hundreds of VPNs out there, but the reason I use ExpressVPN is because it's ridiculously fast.

Never any buffering or lag for that ass. And you can stream in HD, no problem. That's right, baby. You gonna solve them with ExpressVPN. You turn it on, might as well, airdrop browser to your neighbor, your landlord, a hotel IT guy, or do it on the fly.

That's why we partnered ExpressVPN to get you a special holiday offer. Offer. Go to expressvpn.com slash ska right now and you can get three extra months free. I personally like it because there's VPNs out there and it's fast. Okay, verbatim.

I already read it. Just kidding. I wrapped it. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn dot com slash s-k-a express v-p-n dot com slash

Scott to learn more. Check it out. Hey, yo. You really, that was I'm sweating. That was funny. I know what you're doing, and I'm not allowing you to have an effect on me.

You were the king of diamonds. Oh, a lady king. Yes. Yes, a lady king. The meaning of your spiritual awakening is encoded. Read it. You are here to turn lead into gold, transforming dim perceptions into an appreciation of what matters most.

Laser sharp perception, commanding presence, strong personality, financial expert, effortless authority, self-confident. What did my little square say that you ignored? You ignored my square that her said she was confident and self perceptive. Oh, this is a page I used. Read my red square right now. Hold on. Hold on. Read the red square of mine and then we'll go back to

jet skis. But I saw you ignore my red square and read her red square. Well, let me keep her red square up. Read it. The Joker loves chaos. I saw you look at my red square and say no and then go to somewhere else.

You chicken poked. What am I trying to say? You cherry picked. You chicken poked. You chicken poked. No, there's no such thing as a chicken poke.

Chicken poke makes sense, though. Okay. Okay. Yes, read the... I will tell you when I see it. No. Okay. Yes, read that.

You are here to distill and organize the necessary points of knowledge we need to build our world. Sparkling conversationalists, mental clarity, powerful wordsmiths, strong, mindful, encyclopedic knowledge. I am that way. And you're a little bitch for not saying, for not reading that and saying that that's not who I am. You bitch. I was trying to find a better one for you. Who are those people?

Famous people born on this date. Read them if we know any. Kylie Minogue. Nope. Rudy Giuliani. Hey them if we know any. Kylie Minogue. Nope. Rudy Giuliani. Hey. Betty Shabazz. Wife of Malcolm X.

Jerry West. Walker Percy. T-Bone Walker. Wow. Ian Fleming. Jim Thorpe. That guy's hot. Look at that guy.

Thomas Moore. Irish poet. Singer. William Pitt the Younger. Look at that guy. Thomas Moore, Irish poet, singer. William Pitt, the younger. Wow, weird choice. There's a lot of people born on him. George I. Wow. Thank you for reading that.

That does feel accurate, and I think all the listeners agree. Ethan? I'll go back to Jet Skis and read her card again. Okay. Read her card again. Oh, hold on. Master words. Yeah, master wordsmith.

Wow. Did you see the clip I posted about hanging myself and I wrote, what a nuisance. No, that's very funny. But I think I should change it to targeted ad. That's our nuisance. What do you think about that? As long as nuisance.

Nuisance is in it. You're right. You could just write nuisance. You're right. You're right. You're right. I wrote are nuisance. What do you think about that? As long as nuisance is in it, you're right. You could just write nuisance. You're right. You're right. You're right. I wrote absolute nuisance. That's funny. Which is literally just nuisance. Okay. June 4th. Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay, let's see. 2001? Thank you.

1990. Whoa. Mark Twain. You are older than me and you look like you were birthed out of me. I told you that in Toronto. Oh, yeah, that's right. And I got fucked up about it. And you said, I was like. I forget things because I'm old with Alzheimer's.

Well, I was like, I would just admire your comedy so much. And I was like, but it's crazy. You know, you're younger than me. And then you were like, it doesn't matter. You're like, I know Taylor. You said Taylor Tomlinson. Like, she's younger than me. Oh, yeah.

But then I was thinking about it. I was like, she's also younger than me. Oh yeah. Taylor Tomlinson just fucks all of us up. And how old are you? 32. I always forget that. In a good way! Oh!

Ian's taping is special on Sunday and he's going to have a band that opens for him. It's a little Korean daddy band because he too might have a bitch to cancel wait what they're not going to play Ska seems like you really like Ska I can't find it what if we ask them to play Ska I could sit in maybe if you'll have me

and now Jesse Jetski Johnson with a musical number. Take it away, Jesse. Ian Finan, it's a special year. Can you play dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun? I will buy your plane ticket to stay. Yay. Bobby Lee just appears. He loves you.

He loves you guys. Stop texting. Ethan, he's texting on the pod. I gotta do note this. That is a phone and you will break it. Put it here and I will not. This place is crazy, man. You can't text and drive. I know.

I'm sorry. When will the rats let me hold them? I'm doing the bonfire today and I just got word that there's going to be a massive protest so getting there might be an issue. No, for fucking Christmas. Could be Israel, idiot.

What are you talking about? Either way, it's not good. Did you hear that Israel doesn't really want a ceasefire? We're not. Sorry, all right. She's playing the fucking kazoo. You're over here.

Stop. Yeah. Good punch, Paul. Good job. I stopped it. I saw it. I saw you pull it. It still hurts,

but I saw you pull it. He's retarded with his body and strength. He has not a lot of, he has a fine amount of strength. I'm really strong. But he uses it like. You seem strong. A chimp. Thank you.

Like a dumb chimp. Emotionally too. I thought, your chimps are strong. Yeah. And they're stupid, so they hurt people. Oh, so you're saying he's very strong and he knows how to be strong. No, I'm saying he's stupid and he flings his stupid body around and hurts people. And but he's because he's strong.

He put a fan in a chokehold. A fan? Yes. Oh, a fan. Oh my God. Fucking ceiling fan. By the way, I took a picture with a fan and she was like, put me in a headlock.

And I was pretending to give her a noogie, petting her little head. She loved it. You put him in that chokehold in the pictures. I'm like, He goes, hey man, this is really tight. I was like, oh, sorry. You're an idiot.

I saw this kid the other day walk by, like he was walking down the street and he wasn't looking and he hit like a street cone that was right in the middle of the street. And the mom goes, you need to be self-aware. Stop, the rats don't like it. No, that's at me, idiot. I will fucking-

You guys can play with fire? I will fucking kill you. You can do that the other way, though, because I do want to see if it works. Bobby and Andrew never let me play with fire. See, you got to come to mom and dad's house. This place is better. You like to have fun? No chewing on the podcast.

Don't hit me, faggot. Jesus, you fucking old cunt. That hurt me. You just hit me. We'll take the gum out. You hit me, faggot. Jesus, you fucking old cunt. You hit me. That hurt me. You just hit me. We'll take the gum out. You hit me twice. That's fine. I'm chewing it for one second because I have rat shit in my mouth.

Oh, yeah. Come downstairs. She's eating the rat food, by the way. We're eating the fucking seeds that we give the rats. She goes, one for you, one for me. That's so cute. Yeah. Yeah, you hit me, fucker.

Where do you guys get all this stuff? People send it in? The fury? Oh. No, no, no, no, the actual things. I get it from within. Where do you guys get this stuff? Your parents?

I get it from within. Where do you guys get this stuff? Your parents? This we got from a stupid Halloween store. This we got from a fan, and it's the coolest thing ever. You can hold it. I don't want to put this in. I got these for me and Jordan. I'm having a lot of fun right now, but I am on edge.

Are you? I feel like anything could happen at any second. Booga booga booga booga. Yeah, like that. I'll tell you. Super glue yourself to the couch.

I'll tell you, Stuff Island was nothing like this. I just did that. Dude, I'm in love with Chris O'Connor. He was just here yesterday. Ow! My fucking,

I can't, I think I have a problem with my balls. That's my celebrity, I mean, that's my comedy crush. Whoa, you changed it. I mean, my celebrity my comedy crush. Whoa, you changed it.

I mean, my celebrity crush is Vince Vaughn. Now. How red you made that? Oh. I've seen him before at the Comedy Store. Vince Vaughn. Yeah. Sneaks in the back and just has a drink.

Really? Yeah. Weird. Yeah. He's the best. Probably because he runs the Wild West Comedy. Best. And he's scouting.

Oh, you do like him. I love him. You know why? I pulled up outside Zany's one time in my truck and I was going to some 80s party. So I had like a side ponytail and big hoop earrings. And I saw him and I was. Yeah, I know. And I saw him and I was like, what's up?

And he was like, hey, how's it going? And I was like, it's going better now. And he was like, I was like, I'm a big fan. better now and he was like i was like i'm a big fan i was like i didn't even say i'm a big fan i said you look good and he went thanks and then i just had to drive pull up and then i hit a red light and so i just sat there like it was awful what if he called someone immediately he was like you won't believe i just this girl told me the coolest thing ever. No, he was like this, thanks.

He went like this. I love how positive you were. He went like this, he went, thanks. You don't know what happened after. I called him. God, I would fucking saddle his back and ride him to Kingdom Come. Whoa. I've never said anything like that.

You're turning everyone on, Jordan. I have taken easy I would wrap my I would wrap my leather My leather hide legs around his mouth And suffocate him into the dunes of Orban I would put a bridle between his teeth Oh Vince you're getting blinders on

I would hold his gums open And rub his teeth every night with a toothbrush You have no idea the combing I would hold his gums open and rub his teeth every night with a toothbrush. You have no idea the combing I would be doing to your lower half. Are these pickup lines to you, son guys? I'm trying to get back out on the dating scene. Are you on the dating scene? Yeah. It's awful.

Are you freshly out of a breakup? Let's talk about it. No, it's been over a year, but I kind of want to date. That's a picture of my grandmother. That's a picture of you looking like a grandmother. No, no, that is, I see a grandma in there. Come on. Oh, that was a trick so he could get his phone. He doesn't even care about his grandma.

You scared my ass. I thought it was going to be dead. How did you isolate it? You isolated just your ass and moved it away from me. It was like one butt cheek walked away and sat back down.

Oh, okay. Why are you dating? I'm not, but I want to. Why are you dating? I'm not, but I want to. Why are you competing with me? Wait, can we chew on this podcast? No. No. No.

No, the little boy. The little boy with the headphones doesn't like it. Dictator over here. It's more so the headphones doesn't like it. A little dictator over there. It's more so the listeners don't like it. Just working so much. And then I'm just always in comedy clubs and I don't want to date a comic or a fan. A fan would be worse. Actually, Santino might be another comic crush.

I'd bang that dude. Oh, he's married. I know. I met his wife. She's also hot. I'd bang them both. They're the best. I would like them both to take me home.

Santino's so wonderful. Well, she's married too. Santino's got a good dumper on him. A lot of people said that because he posted that picture of his butt on it. That's not a good dumper. I need to see it again. Oh yeah, when he was laying down. All dumpers look good laying down.

But I heard he photoshopped it. Shut up! Oh my god, that's so funny. I can't believe he got flagged. I posted a picture of Ian sitting on the toilet covering his nuts. A tiny sliver of nut shows and I get flagged. I still

can't get verified because of his fucking little ball sack. That's not why you can't get verified. Yeah, they said that. Try again. They said it's because of Ian. They contacted Instagram last week and said she posted a picture of a nutsack. Meanwhile, Santino's out here naked as a little baby's boy. Just a butt. Try again.

And also don't lead with the thing you did wrong. I didn't lead with that. She posted a nutsack, but she's very sorry. My manager did it. I didn't do it. Well, he's an idiot then because it should be done and it can be done. Verification's hard now. Yeah.

I can't get it. Really? You have to pay for it. Yeah, I'm not paying for it. Don't pay for it. It's fucking lame. You should pay for it because in case you get... Oh. If you're building, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Oh, nothing, nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing at all. I didn't want to say the word that people shout at you from balconies how dare you treat the joker this way no don't hit me anymore

well next time it's coming go ahead go ahead yeah see you got two Go ahead! Go ahead! Yeah, see? You got two. I got one. You're still scared. I'll hit you so hard your family will feel it. Exactly. So don't fuck with me. I'm not talking about immediate. I'm talking about

distant. That's the shit you were saying about the Korean guy. Every time we fight,'s a child in the corner Just blame me Everything's fine Everything's fine Thank you for giving me this coping mechanism

Totally If you want your own game I'm gonna put a fire underneath your toes What? I don't know So you're dating? No When was the last time you dated?

2001 You were born in 01? No, 90 Oh good You don't listen We made a joke earlier That was an apple 90. Oh, good. Don't listen. Yeah, what's the matter with you? You don't listen. We made a joke earlier. That was an apple.

Whoa. No, that was fucking rat food that you were shoveling into your gullet before we started the show. That was an apple. I saw the outline of the apple come out of your mouth. That was an apple with acid. Did you hear how many layers it had to it? Like an apple ghost. That had all... Sometimes I eat the core,

and that really creates some acid reflux. I'm hoping that enough... You don't eat the apple core. Shut up. Yes, I do. No, you don't. The arsenic? If it adds up, eventually...

What? You don't eat apple cores. You're not a goat. I eat apple cores. She's a goat. If I don't want to throw it away, I just eat it. Yeah. No, you don't eat apple cores. You're not a goat. I eat apple cores. She's like, if I don't want to throw it away, I just eat it. Yeah. No,

you don't. I'm putting my foot down. You don't eat apple cores. Can you stop doing a, ah, you're Indian thing? What? Louie's joke where he's like,

they went to the Native Americans and they're like, you guys are Indian. And they're like, no, we're actually Native Americans. We're actually Americans. We've been longer. And he's like,

ah, you're Indians. That's what you're doing to me. Where I'm like, I eat apple cores. And you're like, no, we're actually Native Americans. We're actually Americans. We've been longer. And he's like, ah, you're Indians. That's what you're doing to me. Where I'm like, I eat apple cores. And you're like, no. You get it? You're not Indian? Did I?

I'm so sorry for your future. I'm so sorry. Take care of it for me. Yeah, I know. It's going to be awful. You running around naked. I'm almost ready. I'm almost ready.

Is Jet Ski here yet? No, thank God. Because it'd be sexual harassment. You running around naked. I'm almost ready. I'm almost ready. Is Chesky here yet? No, thank God, because it'd be sexual harassment. For fuck's sake. You piss with the door open and make eye contact with me. I have a vagina. You have all sorts of weird shit. I put my my penis through me and I went my my penis through my hand

and went my thumb is swollen it would not look swollen it would look like a thumb I didn't do that you fucking wretched whore anyway you don't date tell us

what's up with that and also here's the thing back to what was argumented about Show me you eat an apple core Get an apple

Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod Let's see what Jordan will eat What the hell did you put in your mouth? Cheese Where'd you get cheese? Is there real cheese? Oh, it's a fucking toy Careful

Choking hazards Is there cheese? You're fucking retarded You're the dumbest man alive You look next to me Is there cheese? What do you think? I cut up a little charcuterie board over here.

Charcuterie? Yeah. Charcuterie. Somebody pronounces- You dumb bitch. Somebody pronounces charcuterie, charcuterie, cutting up cheese over here. Sorry, I thought better of you

that you were eating a human piece of cheese and not a fucking toy that's on the table. And forgive me for wanting a snack. You're hungry. I am. I heard there's pumpkin seeds. Yeah. There's some rat food over there.

There are pumpkin seeds. They're unsalted and for rats. Help. All right. So why don't you date? Tell us everything. I just don't know

how to do it. I was in like an almost five-year relationship, and then we've been broken up for a year, and now it's like, how do you, why don't you just go to a Mexican food restaurant? Yeah. No, that's not the place.

Yeah, and it's like you're having the date, and you're like, what is this even doing? What are we going to do? What, date a couple months, and it'd end, and then we're disposable? What's the fucking point? I don't think she's even gotten there, which I'm with you.

Yeah, but I think, yeah, why even start it? Like going out to a date and being like, hi. Well, I think I'm going to cancel tonight. She's not going to like this episode when it comes out. Yeah, let me see what she looks like. Do not watch. She's like, I should turn this off just in case.

Just in case it's about me. He knows I'm watching. Jesus, Lord. I saw somebody recently and they said, oh, I'm sorry about your breakup. And they were like, I saw you on the podcast. And I was like, wow, I should. There's another apple coming up. I'll throw up.

Is it good? Does it like apple? It's pink lady. Best kind of apple. Pink lady. That's an apple? Yeah. It's pink lady. Best kind of apple. Pink lady? That's an apple? Yeah. It's the best type.

No, crisp. Honey crisp is second best. Oh, I didn't even, it smelled crisp. It was crisp with an oaky finish. It's a, You're like swirling it around.

Tennis balls. I'm a, a belch, a belch sommelier. You tried. You tried. You just made it into two words. Isn't that what they're called? A wine sommelier?

Yeah. Sommelier. Sommelier. Sommelier Blanc. No, I think I might cancel the date. What? I just can't believe that my dad's widow died. My dad's wife died. Yourow. My dad's wit. My dad's my dad's wife died.

Stepmom. My stepmom died. Yeah. Oh, my stepdad texted me on Thanksgiving. I didn't get back to him. Who? We can talk later. Gail's second man.

Well. Yeah. Wow. Well, they never even lived together. They got married so that we could get state insurance because he worked for the state. So he was like basically like a best friend. Nice. Yeah. I would call him your godfather. Godfather. Oh, my godfather was Uncle Danny and he blew his head off. Well, now he's your new godfather. I owe you a call, Jim. Let's call's call him Jim. And let's call friends by their names. You can call him if you want. Yeah. I don't mind.

Okay, you two talk. Give me a moment. I don't like eating eggs. In any form, there's like a million ways. Can I just go ahead and say this? Fuck an egg, dude. What if it's in a cake? I like that. Yeah. You like eggs. What are an egg, dude. What if it's in a cake? I like that.

Yeah, you like eggs. Wait, what are you talking about? You could put an egg in a cake. Fuck a scrambled egg. You need to make, you need eggs in a cake. I thought you meant a cake with a fucking egg on top. I'll eat anything with a cake on top. You eat hard-boiled cakes? My sister used to make me eggs and put sugar on them to get me to eat them. Whoa, that's really weird. So trashy.

Why not just... And gross. She had to feed me and she didn't know how and that was the way to do it. And one time she told me that all the goo that was left over in the drain was chocolate milk because she was mad at me. And I drank the whole cup. It's like a cement mixer. Yeah. Oh, that's so gross. Yeah.

Sorry that happened to you. It's okay. I think I enjoyed it. Yeah. I was like, Mark, please. Yes, you drank the whole cup. I asked for seconds. I already said that. My mom put it in my lunch. Still drinking it to this day.

Ethan really hit the nail on the head. You're a retarded person. You're a brain dead person. You're lobotomized. You're going to get old and weird. You have to do Sudoku puzzles and stuff. I already get old and weird. You have to do Sudoku puzzles. You have to do Sudoku puzzles. We're going to do an IQ test for you.

Ready? I bet I have a higher IQ than you. Fuck you. No way. Ethan, pop up a test right now. We don't have a screen. Let's do it. I figured it out before you did. I'm smarter. If you think you're smarter than me, I will fucking...

I can't believe you think that. I don't think it. I know it. You think I'm pinky and you're the brain? No. The brain was a dickhead, so you're the brain. Yeah. Because I'm bogged down with all this intellect

making me suffer. Chakuto, Papa. Wait. Huh? I was trying to think of trivia questions, but I think I'm too dumb to think of any questions. Name a

Greek philosopher. Socrates. Oh, it's tied so far. Okay, go ahead. Aristotle. Epicurus. Oh, no, far. Okay, go ahead. Aristotle. Epicurus. Oh, no, no, no. You already passed. Let's see.

What is 19 plus 27? 42. Okay. I'm going to get there. What is it again? Hold on. 19 plus 27. I just guessed.

Hold on. Oh, I know. 46. That's what I said. No, you said 47. I said 46. What'd she say? 47.

What is it, though? But I got it. 46. Are you sure on that? Yeah. But I got it rapidly. You got that cleared by, yeah. Yeah, but you got it wrong.

But she did answer first. Yeah. But it was wrong. And I answered immediately. Are we doing fastest answers or right answers for this IQ test? Okay, so one... Which one? Well, 2-1, because you tied the first one.

So it's 2-1 right now. Okay. What? Name a mammal that lives in the ocean. Whale. A sea otter. Whale. She got whale first. But a sea otter would be correct Whale. Sea otter. Whale. She got whale first.

But a sea otter would be correct. Yes. Yeah. Idiot. Congrats. Congrats. This is getting more too heated. Great.

I feel like it's You named a sea puppy, dude. Jessie, continue. Carry on. Shut the fuck up. Keep going. Keep going.

Name a state in the United States that starts and ends with the same letter. Illinois. Alaska. Fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. She got it. Bitch. Whoa.

Okay. Wow. So what? Good. Oh yeah, she got it. Fuck yeah, bitch. Whoa, okay. Wow. So what is... Good. Oh, you won. Right? All right, look, she's good at this, but I'm better at like...

What do you got? At life stuff. What the fuck? You guys want to do a dance contest? I'd whoop you. You cut a wall that was supporting the entire upstairs. I asked you and you said it was fine to cut. I showed you pictures.

There is no world in which I would have said cut the retaining wall. I showed you. And anybody else would have gone, hey, this is obviously a retaining wall. It's not a retaining wall. It's a load bearing member. Dude, how about your member? Not bearing any load. Either of you

Because you're fucking bearing I am bearing I retain every load I'm pretty sure Everybody says that when they get cummed in and doesn't get pregnant Everybody's always saying that A lot A lot of people say it

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare Yeah but I just like anytime Even if it's like protection and whatever. If I have sex, I'm like, uh. You take Plan B? I can't wait till my period. Oh. No.

I have taken Plan B before, though, and it fucked me up. It fucks me up. It's really bad. I had a DMT and it didn't change me as much as Plan B. Plan B wrecks you. It does. Have you done DMT? Yeah.

What's it feel like? It kind of felt like I died and came back to life But what does the death feel like? Seeing everything flash by you Like your life flashing by your eyes Were you crying? I remember feeling a tear When I came out of it

But it's really hard to describe the trip Because a lot of it I can't really hard to describe the trip because it's a lot of it I can't really put into words but it felt like going to space and like yeah seeing like this energy and I felt like I had a choice if I wanted to go into it or go back and before I could even decide like I think because I even thought of the question I went back into my body but also it's probably just a drug ending but But also, when did you feel at any point during it that you were never going to escape from this state of mind?

Because that's, my panic would set in. That's how I felt after I did acid. I think acid changed me permanently. In what way? Like it just, I felt like a new person. In a good way or a bad way? In a good, I mean just, I was a little panicked at first because

i was just like oh this is i'm different now but i think that's like with any experience you know like even i drank coffee so now it will be different because i'm caffeinated but acid just felt like more but were you ever afraid where we get we do drugs and we get scared that we'll be trapped in that mindset for the rest of our lives yeah you have i do think when you're tripping you should remind yourself that it's not forever but i stopped doing acid because i felt like it kind of rewired me and i i do like my brain yeah so i was like i would like to keep it how did it rewire you made you happy yeah i do people think i'm high all the time and i i think it you hear the permafride expression I think it like I think I have. How many times did you do it?

Maybe five times. Yeah. And I've done it five times and I'm still very angry. Maybe you need to stop doing it. I'm not doing it anymore. I did it to get rid of OCD and then once I did that I got yeah. I should probably do it more. Me on mushrooms is great.

I will say you on mushrooms is fun. I was in a happy place then too. Because we were in Vegas and I had no worries at all. And we're going to be back in Vegas in March. It's going to be bad. Why? What are you talking about? It's going to be bad.

Bad because you're going to have so much fun? You're going to be bad? Yeah. No, no. You really think It's going to be bad. Bad because you're going to have so much fun. You're going to be bad? Yeah. No, no. You really think that's going to be bad? It's going to be you, me, and Luke. Yeah, but the show. We have two shows a night.

That's it. Who gives a shit? 20 minutes, 40 minutes a night. The rest of the time. What's going on with your hand? Are you okay? This is my explaining hand. It's not about to explode.

You're right. I don't know why I'm doing this. Unravel a little bit. Sit back. You're holding it like it's about explaining hand. It's not about to explode. I don't know why I'm doing this. Unravel a little bit. Sit back. You're holding it like it's about to explode. It's like somebody took a thread of your body and pulled it. I was wound up. You would think that it's not going to be good in Vegas.

It'll be good. It's going to be fine. I'm going soon. When? On December 11th with Bad Friends. Oh, that's so fun. I'm excited. That's awesome.

I'm just saying the shows that we do, they're at a casino and you get 10 minutes. We're just doing an end of the year celebration and then we're going to film the 200th episode the next day. Oh, that's so fun. Live or in studio? In studio. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think they fun. Live or in studio? In studio. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think they filmed an episode live before I joined their group, but we don't film them live anymore.

Yeah. And what happens in the group in the episodes? It's them sitting and then you're in a different chair? Just like this. But I'm in an inflatable chair, yeah. Does it ever squeak and you feel bad about it? No. I mean, I don't move around much. I do. You do? Oh yeah, you guys can

be in those chairs. You'd pop them immediately with that knife and taser. Vegas is going to be fun. This is pissing me off. How did you get involved with the boys? I was working at the comedy store as a door guy and I was parking Bobby's car a lot and then I started talking to him and then one day he's like

yeah, I do like the valet there and he was he's like hey we start talking riffing and you know and then he'd be like hey we want to get a new person on bad friends and you're on the short list oh that's cool and then he's like so he got my number he's like someday I'll call you and the first time he called I was in Austin I was like I can't do it

and I was like did I just ruin my career and he's like yeah and he's like I'm just kidding and then a few months passed and then I got on and the first episode I was like, did I just ruin my career? And he's like, yeah. And he's like, I'm just kidding. And then a few months passed and then I got on. And the first episode I was on just was fun and good. Oh, that's the best. That's great. They were looking for a third chair. Like, yeah, like a sidekick or a third mic or.

Yeah. Yeah. Of the when I go to L.A., I love hanging out with friends that I knew like they moved from New York. Those I love those people. And the only like two people I really like that are like LA people are Andrew and Bobby. They love you guys. Oh really? Oh that's awesome. They love both of you so much.

Yeah and it's cool. This time coming back to New York was really fun because I know a lot more people now. Yeah. And dude Andrew and Bobby when I was in LA and I was hanging with them they told me that you and I were going to have fun in Vegas. That's why we're going. They're like, they're going to have so much fun.

We should go. It'll be fun. Luke will be there. It'll be fun. It's like insane. Your little ears went back. It's like insane. You went up and I was like, it'll be fun. And then I said, Luke will be there. Then they went, your whole facial expressions fell to the back of your head. That was what

your face sounded like. Yeah. Yeah. Um, no, it will be fun. It's just Vegas is tough for me. I'm prone to depression. It's inside. You like smoking indoors, which makes me sad. And that's why we're going to be hanging. You're going to gamble and that's going to make me sad. No, no. A little. Is this why you're getting into cardology? Cardology counting. No, I do have a machine by the elevator. Imagine if you were on a date with somebody and you're like, I'm getting really interested in cardiology.

And they're like, you're like, I mean, sorry, cardology. God, what a nightmare. What a nightmare. Not for Ian. You'd be like, which number are you? What is your birthday? I will tell you about yourself. May the 4th, it

seems you are the two of clubs. Interesting yet evasive. Colorful yet black and white. You seem to be someone who shares in glory

and lives in shame. How'd you know that about me? Shares in glory. Dude, you're getting really good at this. Cardology. Is this your card? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm the Alpha Omega

and you are the Schmegma. Schmegma. You know what Schmegma is? I think so. Schmegma is the shit that comes around your dick and the dick cheese. If you don't get circumcised. I'm the Omega

and you're the Osmigma. Anyway, what else is going on? Are you recording things? What are you doing? Are you performing? You do stand-up all the time? What's going on with you? Yeah. You do stand-up all the time? You're headlining? Yeah. Clubs? Oh, yeah. Going around doing stuff? You got it. Nice.

Yeah. That's great. It's been fun. I just got passed at the comedy store. Congrats. Hell yeah. They're going to announce it later this month. So probably any day.

Yeah. And then. Also, wait, does that mean you get your sign? That's right. I get my name on the wall. Oh, you get your name on the wall? Where do they put, what do they run? I think by the time they write mine, it will be in the parking lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you going to go down the street to Pink's and you make a left? It's weird because there's so much side. There's so much wall left like inside the patio. But they've gone around the exterior of the building first. Where no one will see. Because we don't allow customers back there. Right.

It's kind of funny, but that's not, I mean, I used to think, Oh, that'd be so cool. And I do still feel cool about it being there, but that's like the least of what I'm excited about.

Yeah. It's like working out at that club. I mean, I'm sure you guys with the cellar and like out here and being able to work out, it's like a dream if you live in where you live, you know, but I like traveling all over the country and stuff.

I never did that until this year. What's your favorite club that you've been to so far? Well, the one I'm most looking forward to visiting is Hilarities. Yes, that's my favorite club. I've never played there, but I went with Bobby just to check it out while we were in Ohio,

and it was so cool. Yes, it's the best club. It's the best. Got the baseball bat. Oh, sick. Did you just do a promo video where you answered the door and it was Breaking Bad and Walter White was like,

Jesse! Jesse! That was so funny. I'm glad you liked it. That was great. I'm trying to do more of those, but I don't know if I'm ripping off his work. Who are you ripping off? Walter White. I talked to him. He's already with it.

We can call him. Wait, yeah. Ian knows him. We had him on the pod. I might cut together some Saved by the Bell ones with Jesse. Who else are Jesse's that you could use? Full House.

Oh, this is great. Jesse Eisenberg. Wait, when do they call him Jesse though? They don't. Like maybe in an interview? Don't name people that are named Jesse. In an interview. I could cut out an interview. Characters. Who else is a Jesse? Jussie Smollett. They say his name a lot.

Who does? The guy that lied about a hate crime. Oh, good one. Good one. That's a good one. I didn't lie. There must be female Jessis. Saved by the Bell. Saved by the Bell. She's a Jessie.

Full house Jessie. That's Uncle Jessie. Yeah, Uncle Jessie. That's a guy. Whoa. That's fine. Saved by the Bell is a lady. No, that was Joey Lawrence.

There's a Jessie in that one. Jay and Silent Bob. You could do Jet Ski from Eastbound and Down. Yeah. Probably yells Jet Ski a lot. Yeah. Maybe probably yells it. Give me my Jet Ski.

Just clip it to him going Jet Ski. Thanks for the clips. I'm going to clip all these. Yeah. What's another? Come to my show. My name's Jet Ski Jesse. And you need to be there

and I'm on a Disney channel star. You're on Disney channel? I'm loving it. You're on Disney channel? I can use that. You're on the Disney channel? Shut up. You're so stupid.

We're doing people from TV. Oh. Well, you guys continue I'm just going to be an observer Now that Jordan got the highest IQ test I think it's getting to her head a little bit Oh you know who you could do? Jessie the fucking cunt

Why don't you do that? I said I was getting to her head But now I just take it back What do you think of that? You're talking to me Don't take it out on her Yeah I was scared You're right

I'm telling Andrew Rewind your words You said cunt forward idiot to me. Don't take it out on her. You're right. I'm telling Andrew. Rewind your words. You said cunt forward, idiot. It's Chinook. You know it. Chinook. Chinook is cunt. You are idiot.

What language do Eskimos talk in? Chinook. Chinook native. Chinook is native for What language do Eskimos talk in? T'kut. They talk in... T'kut. Native. T'nuk is native for... T'kut. Wait. T'nuk.

I already said it hours ago. I know, but now I'm trying to say it. T'nuk. Can you say your name backwards? Mine is Nadraj Nesnej. Whoa, that's awesome. Thank you so much. I like that we have double J names, by the way.

Yeah. Jetski Johnson, Jordan Jensen. Yeah, you need a nickname. Jordan. Jesse Johnson, Jordan Jensen. It's cool, right? My name's Jordan Jensen, and you got to go see Jesse Johnson. My name's Jordan.

Wait, let me do it. My name's Jordan Jensen, and you got to come to my shows. I got the highest IQ, and you better come see me. I'm on Jensen and you gotta come to my shows. I got the highest IQ and you better come see me. I'm on VH1. All right, now do me. Well. Let's go. I'll do you.

In your mouth. And just shut up. My name's Ian Finance, and I'm really going to stand up, come to my shows. Yes! What am I from? A sea otter? A dog in the ocean it's a mammal that lives there you had to tell everybody it was a sea an otter of the sea well that's a podcast Want to plug anything? Yeah Let's just jam

Let's just jam Yeah Not to go Being in with Jordan Forehead solo Do you have a theme song? Yes How's it go?

I'm immune to you now Don't attack my head No it's not It's the Lumineers sing our theme song. Really? Yeah. How's it go? Telling jokes.

In heaven, smokes. Rotten buns all through the night. The Lumineers sing it? Yeah. Wesley Schultz. Wesley Snipes. From the Lumineers. Wesley Snipes from the Lumineers?

Yo, is he a demolition man He sings that in the He's in the Lumineers Is Wesley Snipes Blade? Yeah Okay, is Wesley Snipes Also the guy with the weird eye?

Now? Who's the guy with the weird eye? Lawrence Fishburne The guy with the weird eye Who's the guy with the weird eye? He's in Marvel He plays the guy with the eye patch. Who's the guy with the weird eye? He plays the guy with the eye patch in Marvel now.

That's not real, though. Forrest Whitaker. God. I mean, I know that they're not the same at all in my head, but I could not figure out what Whitaker's name was. Whitaker's a good first name. I always thought that guy was Wesley Snipes, his name was. But then I saw Blade, and I was like, that's Wesley Snipes. Obviously, he's sniping everyone.

Great film. Made me faint twice. Really good. What do you want to plug? his name was but then I saw Blade and I was like that's Wesley Snipes obviously he's sniping everyone great film made me faint twice really good what do you want to plug I just slowly walk away good point oh wait oh um well actually I do have a website it's jetskyjohnson.com and all my headlining

shows are there and mostly besides the tour my headlining shows start in february so i've just chosen town and in january at the store and yes yeah nice yeah i'm excited where are you at tonight tonight i'm at the stand and then old man hustle brooklyn yeah nice and then i go home cancel the or no i go to Minnesota. What day is it, Wednesday? We don't go home anymore. I know, right? You should go to CYSK. Yeah, tell Drake.

Okay. Yeah, do that other one instead of the other one. Well, they're by each other. They're near each other. Yeah, Williamsburg, yeah. Oh, IanFidance.com. Holy smokes, folks. I'm coming to Philly, Calgary, Tampa

Sacramento, San Diego All over the place Portland, Seattle IanFightHands.com for tickets JordanJensenComedy.com for tickets She's going all over the place too Where? I thought we were doing this at the beginning of the episode

Bookends Bookends When does this come out? Sorry When does it come out, Ethan? It comes out every time. It's the same, Pinky. I don't know what this is.

Bricktown Comedy Club. Oh. Bricktown Comedy Club, Oklahoma, Albany, Syracuse, Rochester, Madison, Wisconsin, The Comedy on State I'm going to go to What's the cool place in Montana? And where can they find you? Punchuplive.com, Jordan Jensen Punchuplive, go to Punchuplive

Go to Punchuplive.com, find me, Jordan Jensen We don't have to do everything the same Go, your turn I already did it, you non-listening Jerk Let your balls go Let your balls go Are you holding them? Your turn. I already did it, you non-listening jerk. Let your balls go. Let your balls go. Are you holding them?

I was. You're going to take away all your little babies out of there by scratching at them and rubbing at them so hard? Good. I ain't going to have kids. Maybe. Go to that dinner tonight. You think? You never know what could happen.

No, he's a sex addict and he can't be having sex right now Oh, I had no idea, I'm sorry We should have just walked off the podcast 10 minutes ago We gotta redo the solo You're a sex addict and you won't stop living the cycle all right i gotta play with my rats we love you bye It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore