Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 085: Walnut Boys W/ Sam Tallent, Brendan Sagalow, and Mike Recine

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding back so through the night It's a wild ride when you're being eaten Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being eaten Being eaten But it's a wild ride when you're being in, being in. Life is shit, but you're positive.

Let's find out what it's like to live a life being in, being in with Jordan. BOO! My dog died. My put him down, but it was tough. We were just kind of over it He was like we're seeing did it You got to just brand it you got to turn it Park yeah Welcome back to another episode of B&E and with Jordan.

Jordan is on the road and we had to do these episodes. I heard she's on the show. So, I'm your boyfriend anymore. That's awesome. Tell her about it. Come on. Let's go. We can shoot some loads.

Just nice stuff. Yes. With our co-host with the most Brendon Sagalow, our best friend of the show, Mike Racine, and our favorite guest, not a mess. Sam Tellon! Wait, why did you make it? Did you make ours rhyme?

Everything rhymed. I didn't even notice that. It was right on time. Yeah. It's the ultimate crime. Yeah, and you drink a corona with lime Put on some sublime you quirky get on it. I really want in the new ghost buses there to be slime. Oh That would be divine

Racine do you want to chime? Brandon is a faggot. You stupid. SEO. SEO. What is that? It's, uh, I knew a guy named Mike Klein who told me about the SEO. Who, uh, I can't think of anything. I'm sorry. I said I was trying to impress Sam talent. I'm sorry. I got it fucked up. I'm all fucked up. I'm glad that people know that you want to. I thought you would think that was cool. Yeah. Do you want to pull up my heart strings?

A slur right out the gate? Yeah, I'm in. Yeah. Well, you're a rapper. You don't know how to rhyme. I'm more of a writer. You know he's a rapper. You're an artist.

I'm more of a writer. He's a rapper. I'm an artist. A little Debbie rapper. What's happening? I was just trying to impress Mike. Winning doubt, bash Sagalow. And still frames in y'all. All aboard.

Hey, let's do a fun thing where you're no longer the co-host. I couldn't agree more. I couldn't agree more on how fun that would be. Jordan's not here. It's just a guy time in the basement. Let's get into it. Where's the best place you ever been slurped? Oh my god.

Which gets sucked off. Ferris wheel. No way. Oh yeah, Ferris wheel. Bring us back. When and where? There I am. Who?

The year's 2007. I'm living in a compound in upstate New York. Anthony Coombs. That's right. I was the towel boy. I used to have to make sure Patrice wasn't shiny. It was a full time job. I was interning. He's telling a long story. You ever, Lavel Crawford when he was on West comic standing? We were talking about him on the list. I was there. Something in the air. Yeah. Yeah.

He would just, you could tell when they would cut because he would just be like a dripping wet ham. And then they'd come back. They'd be like, what do you think aunt? And he's like, Oh, it's great. And then cut back to Lavel and it's like nothing but powder all over his face. He looks like Nioke. That one's for you, Mikey.

Nice, man. Yes. You know what I noticed? We're all the black boys today. Yeah. We're wearing black. Yep. So you got sucked off.

Oh, you got a Ferris wheel. You know what I'm saying? That's guys. Jordan's not here. It's all upside down. Tell us about the way you got sucked off and on a Ferris wheel. I think who's hosting now trying to keep this, you know, whatever you're hosting. I'm about to be boasting. I believe that you're so bad at this. I hope we start ghosting, well, get quick there. Well, this guy is roasting. I am roasting.

We all avoided roasting. It was right there. I. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Did the did the first wheel? Did it tip over because I was so fat? Yeah.

I was going to say, whoa, you're slow. This fucking guy. I don't go for that low fruit or even the high fruit. I don't eat fruit. He goes for every fruit. Yeah. Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Get me out of here, I feel trapped! You do one.

Yeah! Alright. And that's the cool thing. Woo! Yeah. I know they call you a drughead, but you don't need a coaster for it. You're really giving him a bone. I wish that he would have been a thing.

Is that a raccoon penis bone? Oh, a coon bone. No. Oh, god. Burn down, down, down, down. I regret what I said. Wait, what did you say? Progressive blues.

Yeah. I said something erasing. I didn't mean to. Now hold my friends. Won't book me to open. I saw your name on the wall at the Elevity Live. Oh yeah, really? Oh my god, I haven't been there in so long.

2009. Hey, remember that story? Did I record it? Yeah. Remember that story when you signed the wall and then the guy came out and painted over it in front of you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I tell you about this? No, no. Oh, so when I did, I remember that story? Did I like the date? Yeah. Remember that story when you signed the wall and then the guy came out and painted over it in front of you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I did, did I tell you about this? Oh no.

Oh, so when I did, I was at Comics Mohegan Sun, which is, we can all, you know, it's a club that's been spoken about in high forms and low forms. People carry it up there with like the Syracuse funny bone. Exactly. And there was not to be confused with the Albany funny bone. There's a, there's a chalkboard wall in the green room and I grabbed the silver pen and I signed

my name and I was like, you know, I was, I think I was hosting that weekend and I like signed my name and I'm just standing there with the pen and the son of the owner, this guy, Ryan comes in and he goes, he's like, okay, so, uh, we're going to give Nico about five and then he looks at me and he goes, you didn't sign that, did you? And I'm holding the pen and I go, and I go, you ate it. You're like, no. I was like, Oh, this bad. I did that trick for a little girl recently in my nose,

bled. I did the jam and my nose bled and I pulled it out of my ear and then I saw the little girl and she was like, and I was like, what? Oh, oh no. So now she thinks it was real. Yeah. I got a big hole in my, yeah. Oh, whoa.

I got some little fit. Give me a hard one. What a great tell. So he goes, he goes, you didn't sign that, did you? And I hold in the pen and I go, yeah, but it's okay. It's all right. Right. And he goes, uh, he got so livin about it.

He's like, oh my God. No. God only headliners sign that. And you're like, well, he bring me back. Yeah. Yeah. I go, I, and I did, I said to him, I got, well, that will, that will, I go, well, that name will be a headliner someday.

He didn't even acknowledge it. Yeah. Yeah. I go. I, and I did, I said to him, I got, well, that will, that will, I go, well, that name will be a headliner someday. He didn't even acknowledge it. Yeah. Like most of the world walked out, came back in with a bucket of black paint. Oh no. You want to work here. An urban room. Right over my fucking name. There was one on the wall there that just says big Mel rise of the lichens, which is

the third underworld movie. And all weekend is right by where you go on stage. And I was like, please someone explain why they love in West Nile. Yeah. Yeah. If they're at the mall, they had no answer. I like to write something funny on the wall. Like Osama bin Laden or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Quirky Romano. Yeah. Great movie. Oh, underrated. I, a lot of cataniacs who watch this. Love

Quirky Romano. Yeah. You guys want some cookies? You guys want some cookies? I should buy a boat. I wasn't going to do the voice. Remember voice remember and that's funny the one brother in it. He can't read He's like see he likes to really get reed. Oh, yeah, it's the fat pen brother, right? Yes, but he's secretly gay. What yeah Yeah, oh Romance last night yeah over acts with Tom's Warren, like you went when they are the cops. They're just like, Oh, yeah, we got him. Yeah. This guy's good. This guy's good. Yeah. I like people that over act. I think that's that makes it fun. I like people who over react. But you know what you just say? Oh, no. I didn't know you were method. You like that? Yeah.

Give me a thing to react to. Okay. Hey, Ian, we we had dinner reservations at six. I have AIDS! Oh, that'll help us keep the reservation. Hey, we have a marginalized fruit. You guys bring a papaya to dinner? We had a burst fruit. His lesions are showing. God, that is the worst part. God's kisses. Yeah. Besides having poison blood. Yeah. Active lesions. Yeah. Is that what happens when you have AIDS? You get lesions. If it gets from HIV to AIDS and your skin starts to crack, there's no turning back jack. But nobody really gets AIDS anymore. No. I have cirrhosis. That'd be the funniest way to find out. I think cirrhosis is the liver. Right. Yes. I was doing B and E and found out I have cirrhosis. That'd be the funniest way to find out. I think cirrhosis is the liver, right?

Yes. I was doing B and E and and found out I am AIDS by my lesion hands. You been punching a wall? No, I fucking I wish. Yeah. Yeah, I was punching. You can do it. I was punching where he painted over my name. Trying to punch through the pain. Come on. Till it cracks. Yeah. No, I got eggs.

I'm a sucks, dude. It's Come on! Till it cracks. Yeah. Now I got eczema. It sucks, dude. It's like all over my hands. You've tried boiling your hand in water? Like in boiling water? Well, I have a friend who has eczema in his hands and the only relief he gets from the itch is he'll hold his hand under the hottest tap setting and just stand there and stare

into mid-space. Oh my God, no. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. Nathan Lund. Hey. Shout out. Check him out. I'm gonna fucking sue him when I put one. Hey, shout out. Check out one. Yeah. I'm going to fucking sue him when I put it my hand under the boiling water.

But it's I'd rather have Ethan. Can you go boil some water and let's see if this works? You know, get on the rain. Sago just starts pissing himself. That's leave over. Can you throw a boiling water in my face, please? Doesn't even understand that we're doing it for the OK. You put your friends in and boiling water and he wakes up screaming.

You're like, you fucking. Idiot. Dude, did you guys do sleepover tricks? Oh, yeah. Yeah. One time we didn't have whipped cream, so we used ranch dressing. Oh my God. Oh Lord. Did it work?

Oh yeah. They got ranch on over his face. That always works. And then we took crush cans and just threw them at his head as hard as we could. Oh my God. Yeah, sleepover tricks devolve when you're like 16 and it goes from sleepover tricks to house party tricks. And it's like, Oh yeah. We wrote on his face when he passed out to we fill the bucket with piss.

Right. Over his head. Yeah. Torture. Yeah. Yeah. It's just one time. I went out hazing tricks, but you're asleep. I went to a sleepaway camp, camp. Taioca shout out. Wow. And Jewish. You better believe it. Are you? We called it a concentration camp. We'll cut that out. No, we will not.

We want the world to see as the new co-host. I suck. Jordan, you look great. Thank you. Yes, I had my chin restored. I'm not sure if that's a running joke we have. Oh yeah. I just said something. Is she a convention? Old Chin Restored Jordan? Yeah.

All right, continue. Camp Tioga. And what do you guys call it again? Camp Tioga. You have a little kind of camp? Yeah. Jewish based. I refuse to answer that. It was Jewish based.

And we learned a lot about it. You said, no, no, my backbone is going to stand up against you telling me to say what I said, because I regret it. Every man needs an island to die on. Exactly. And I'm not choosing this. Mine's thousand islands. My little St. James. His would have been a hill, but he couldn't climb up it. Oh my God. All right. You know, you know, the last episode didn't have as many fat jokes in them.

Well, yeah. Because we didn't feel comfortable enough around Faheem to let him fly. He was like, yeah. The thing about most people don't let Faheem fly. You know what I'm talking about? He's a little fly-list. Whoa.

OK, we're back. Oh, no! You were so tall! Oh, oh. Um, so you were at camp. I was at Camp Tioga, and it was my last day. I was leaving two weeks before everybody else. Wow. So... You missed your mom.

He was booked, but he's a son. Yeah. Mom, I gotta get there. I gotta write my name on the wall. She goes, your mom. He was booked. No, we get son. Yeah. I gotta get there. I gotta write my name on the wall. It's only for headliners. And we were. Yeah, I get back in the car. How was your show? They wrote, they painted over my name. Um, so the, we went, I was, I wanted to prank everybody. All right. So I pissed in all their bunke buggy's no, no, no, it's a great prank.

We put shaving cream all over their bodies and then we pissed on their clothes. That'll show them. It was the worst concentration camps I've ever been to. Yeah, I can't have fathomed anything worse. Yeah, I just imagine being in Auschwitz and some guys trying to do pranks on you. That'd be so annoying. Come on, guys. He's a real wild one. Instead of drinking the water, let's put his hand in it.

Oh, oh. Can you just stop with the prank? Chica chica. There was a kid named Andy Quinn in my high school who dumped a kid named Coleman's Locker. Because he worked with the janitors. So he got in there and then he took a dump. He worked with the janitors? Yeah, because they were all rodeo guys. So like Dan Fly, great janitor, rodeo guy, Andy Quinn, rodeo guy.

So a high school kid went up to the janitors who were like grown men and were like, I need your help. Pretty much. I think they just gave him the keys. And I remember walking by and Dan fly and Andy Quinn were standing at the locker with like the vice principal and I saw Andy and Dan high five. It was like the inside job. Elizabeth high school inside job 2004. That's really funny. Who cleaned the ship shit principal like you probably need your master's degree and One day you just find yourself looking at a pile of shit Dude I my did you guys do senior pranks? Yeah, my senior prank was uh

There was so there was a film festival going on and the flyers to the movies It's like were your movie be a drama? And it was like pictures of green fried tomatoes, you know forest gum Will your movie be a comedy in the movie poster for Billy Madison? Happy Gilmore? So I made will your movie be a porno? and it was a picture of R Kelly like a bunch of women a gang bang Bukaki and I took these, I put double sided tape on them and I went through the school

and I just put them up everywhere. And they, when class let out, there was a, one of the history teachers running through the hall going, get back to class, get back to class. Ripping them off the walls. And then I told no one that I did it. I blamed it on a kid that got called

looking at pornography in the library like two years prior. I was like, God, I heard that Mark did it. And no, he didn't get in trouble. He denied. Because he hung himself first. And there was a kid that saw me. And you know that scene in the town when the cop looks and he sees them all with the guns and they go,

and the cop goes, I saw a freshman and he sees them all with the guns and they go and the cop goes. Yeah. I saw a freshman and he looked at me put it on a wall and I go. Never told. Shout out to that kid. My friends found out that it was me because after prom everybody stayed at my house and the next day my printer was making noise and it wouldn't stop and they went upstairs and they found a bunch of copies of the flyer. I can't make sure a world where you keep that a secret to your friends. I didn't fucking tell anyone, dude.

You wrote an album about it. We were a band. We were at Taco Bell the day it happened. And they're like, dude, whoever did that has the biggest balls ever. And I almost went Or is it dumb as fuck ever they're not gonna graduate I was like It's tough the duality of man, I can't see just knowing you for as long as I've known you you not

Telling people immediately. I can't see my secrets. I'm holding the really? If this is the stuff. Oh my God, I can't imagine the secrets. Yeah. Really? What's the secret? You can't tell people. Yeah. What's something you've never revealed? Oh, what's your father?

Let me open up my chamber of secrets. Keep it up there. Yeah. That's what the hat's for. Keep it under my hat. I'm not telling you a secret. That hat went right to his head. Well, what's the secret you've never told? Don't you dare put this on me. We're not asking me.

I have a ton of secrets. You guys don't even know. I'll do one. You're a blabbermouth. I'm a go-ahead. I hit a kid with my car once. Yeah, kept driving. Oh, yeah You know what? I didn't feel bad, but I felt something and I like what I felt Was it a cold night warm night take a straw it was it was a balmy evening in Manchester, New Hampshire

And yeah, I had a couple of speckled hens, you know, I drank a couple beers. Let me look you in the eye. You got to get out of the parking lot somehow. I can't get hard. Actually, he in secret. He loves my little earlobe kids. Can you imagine hitting a kid with your car? Just being like, Oh my freaking, what have I done? What they are too much. So you weren't even drinking and the kid just ran out and hit the car. Can you go to jail for that? No, what you do is you get out of the car, you put the kid's life was corpse behind the wheel, then you lay in front of the car.

That's your way out. Yeah. Like he's 12. What was he doing driving? I think there's coke in the glove box. He stole my car. What the hell? He's gonna chill. I think that his butt is sticky with cum. I don't know why, but he gives that vibe. Yuck. And then he hit me and put his underwear in my pants.

Yeah, yeah, and he bagged them. And he put in a dress on them too. I don't know what's going on here. I don't know what's on that hard drive, but it's heavy. Racine, you have any secrets? No, really? Oh, I know one of your secrets. One of his secrets. Don't tell people one of my secrets. You don't know any of my what secrets. No, I'm not even playing this game. Don't could be anything. I'm having a panic attack. Oh God. No, I know what secrets that I remember. You want to talk about it? But yeah, oh, this is a fucking gag. It's like my cousin is adopted. My, my family is really secret than really talk about it. Your secret. Send them this episode.

We don't really acknowledge it. Hey Armando, check this out. Hey De Brucassar Racine. Feels good to get that out. Oh dude. Feels good to get that off my chest. Finally say that on a podcast. Has anyone ever in your life, like, told someone a secret to, like, get back at them or something? We go, yeah, well, like a family secret or something.

Oh, like, in the midst of, like, an argument and they're like, yeah, well, guess what? Yeah, yeah. Your cousin is fucking raping mom. Something. Yeah, just like that. That's just off the top of my head. That was one of my secrets I had. Yeah. That's where they had to guess who the cousin is.

Your adoptive mom is. Your mom's like, no one's supposed to know about that. We're doing rape play. Yeah, that's consensual. It's complex. My mom's like, now I'm into it. It's like, whole thing. You know your mom's Jewish?

Yeah, he went to that camp. What kind of camp? Yeah, what was the camp again? I will not say. It was camp crusty? Camp crusty. Camp crusty. Yeah.

Camp comfort. I will not say. No. I'll fucking sit here. In silence. You know what you're doing? Well, when you can hear the fan, you know, when you're on stage and you hear like one glass at the table and you're like, oh no. 48 left, everyone.

Dude, Lenny Marcus told me he. The Lenny Marcus. Do you know Lenny Marcus? No. He's so fucking funny. OK. He's I think he's he's like one of my favorite comics in the city. He's like he's like 50 something. He's got a kid is what he makes everything funny. And he's like a classic. He's got a kid.

Like, yeah, I am. He's a classic New Yorker classic New York comic. Like it's like you would think none of it works, but it's the funniest fucking shit ever. And he like goes to work in such a hilarious hilarious likely kind of also insulting thing to say. No, no, no, because I think it wouldn't work. No, no, no. Because if you if you like read something and it's like, it's kind of like what's the deal type humor? But it's the funniest.

I'm telling you, dude, get if you get a chance, goes. You know, any more. I think we're going to play a clip right here. And we're back. Oh my God. That was so funny. He's so good. He's so funny.

Transcendent. Yeah, let's watch another one of his clips right now. Well, I don't think you should be able to say that. It was a little edgy. It was a little edgy. Yeah, words with two Gs. Yeah, yeah. It was fun to say.

And it wasn't his favorite Winnie the Pooh character. Yeah, yeah. I thought Chris Rock came up with that bit. Let's watch a man fucking a dog. Here it is. Wouldn't it be funny? We come in. That's me.

How would you get that footage? Let the guest have the jokie. Let the guests have the joke. What's in there? More tags. Skin tag. How did I even think of Lenny markets? What were we talking about? Lenny markets, what's his middle name?

Boston. Show a clip of that. How about we show a clip of you saying that, right? Yes, right. He loves it, yeah. See? You don't have to be nasty. You're right, you're right, you're right. Oh boy, I'll say, doing're right, you're right. Yeah.

Oh boy, I'll say, you know, doing this pod, people come out and they say, I saw you on the pod. No way, really? Really? For real. That is awesome. Thank you guys. That makes me so happy.

It's always like a nervous guy wearing a drug rug. And then a woman with like an invader's in hoodie with the Tummels. He's a big fan. Yeah. He saw you on B&E. Yeah. He always likes that. fan. Yeah. He saw you on being here. Yeah. Yeah. He always liked that.

Yeah. Yeah. They're always very sweet, but also like nervous. Yeah. There's like a ferret house smell to them. I love that. Yeah. I've been getting a lot of trans and non-binary folks coming out.

What do you think about you that makes them feel comfortable? I make them feel included and welcome and loved. Yeah. You're gangbanks. Yeah. Who else is in no one? Yeah. Me. You're right. And they, they enjoy it and that makes me happy. I'm all for the trans people. Yeah. I say, I say people with uteruses on stage now during my abortion chunk. Really? Oh yeah. You know, you were a coward. Well, no, I married, I'm married to a woman and she tells me what to say. Ew, icky gross. Yeah, sorry man. Yeah, not going to bed alone sucks.

I don't even sleep in a bed anymore. Yeah, I know you dangling. Wake me up when the sun's away. Today's the first abscued sunlight since Friday. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. You. I was in a mall for 72 hours. So I get it. Did you play race? Did you do the race track? Go carts? No, I was over the limit. There's really? There's a limit. Wait limit, not legal boozling. Yeah. The tires exploded. I'm fine. They kept laughing me. There's not one but two different airsoft rental places in that mall.

For airsoft guns. Yeah. I've been watching airsoft anger videos of people that get angry with each other on the airsoft field. It is hilarious. These fucking nerds. Right. They're all guys who are too fast to join the Marines.

Yes. And they take it so serious and it makes me want to play. Yeah. Airsoft would be fun. It hurts a lot. You ever been shot with a BB gun? Oh, yeah. Oh my God. In the foot. In the foot's tough.

Did you do yourself? Yeah. I did shoot myself in the foot with a BB gun. I was like, I wonder if this would hurt. It's wearing an Adidas shell top shoe. Because I like running. He wanted to get out of the Burger King's Kids Club. And that was the only way out. Blood in, blood out. What do you think? Put that guy in the wheelchair.

How fun. Let it hit him. I know. How fun would it be if we all went paintballing? I don't know. It would bring up the worst memories of me being fat, 13, unhideable. Just kidding. What have you been thinking about this morning? Yeah, exactly.

I'm sorry. Everybody's called me fat. Now how does it feel? It doesn't feel good. I didn't like it. Do you feel better? You feel alive? I feel like Luke turning to the dark side for a second.

Yeah, exactly. That's when Luke Bones dates a black girl. Whoa. I don't know. We're name dropping. Black girl. Your lamb is the best. Well, Lenny Boston market. I mean, I don't know how he did that. He was so quick with it. He's so quick. Yeah.

It was great. Because you know, he did he bend it because his name is Lenny Marcus. He said Lenny Markets. Put pulling the curtain back. Sorry, sorry. Don't teach him how to tap his name. We're all we got a job. There's just a little alien in your head like it met in black.

Yeah. Woo! What are we doing? Oh, he's got an alien in his head. Give me that alien. I want to be funny now. It's my turn to be funny on the show. I could really use the alien.

Yeah. Keep swallowing zins. He's got a little rat on his head like you know, on Ratatouille. Yeah. Feet and lines. Yeah. Cocaine. And this one's got Crang in his belly.

I'm going to punch you in your fucking face, bro. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hit me because that was mean and a low hanging joke. No, I'm not, no, I'm not giving you the power to tell me to hit you in your fucking face, bro. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hit me because that was mean and a low hanging. No, I'm not. No, I'm not giving you the power to tell me to hit you. I'm going to hit you. Yeah. On your own terms. You don't get to take it back. I'm not going to hit you. It's fine. Yeah, go ahead. No, I don't want to hit you, bro, because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want. I don't want

this podcast to end because you have to go to the fucking Lenny marker. What's his nickname magic? Now who's got the little alien this couch is hosting the show Oh 900 we need to get all your name back on that wall. I think it is on that wall. I think I've signed it. Can we make like a teen losing their virginity comedy put about getting your name on the road trip on guys before summer? Yeah, we got to get my name back on that wall. Yeah, what we should do is we should get the guy Ryan and we should get him accused of sexual misconduct. And then he has to sell the club and then we buy it at a discounted

rate. It'll be a fun summer. And then we get Brandon's name on the wall. We just have to ruin this guy's life. The judge being like, and his name on the wall plus 25 years. And now you have to be Brandon's butler. I wouldn't even want that. He'd probably be a terrible butler lazy. Do you think you could? I don't think I could. But there's like a lot like its owner. It's like dogs. I have a rescue butler. He's still a little skittish. Are you walking? I have a therapy butler. Butler take their coats. I don't. He's hiding under blanket on the butler. Butler, take their coats. I don't. Put the thunder blanket on the butler. He's freaking out.

There's a storm approaching. Yeah. Sometimes I take some of my butlers. My butlers are behind the couch. Wow. Have you beaten dogs, Annex? No, but I would like to. Oh, I have.

Tell. Oh, yeah. My coat looks great. I took a bit of fleas. I did. I knew a guy who said this dog had panic attacks. So we could fucking house his pills, but they were for dogs. We'd have to eat like eight of them at a time. I'd eat eight of them anyway.

Yeah, I know. Eight's enough. And how many K plus eight. Now, can you still eat pills or is that against your thing? It's against my thing. Yeah. So you can't even have pain pills if you go through a surgery. Every time I've been in the hospital, I say I'm recovering addict and alcoholic. I need non-microphone. And you're like, we know, you want to shut up about it. We can tell by your words. Yeah.

No, I, if I were to have surgery and I wouldn't be like, I'm scared. I'd be like, okay, fine. But if I'm like going, like when I got hit by a car, I didn't, I just took home. I'm sorry about that, by the way. Well, you know. Was he the kid? We had been racing.

You didn't have the mustache. Yeah. But there was coming. That's called a callback. Sorry I hit you with my car. Why? Who done it? Yeah, no, I try not to.

I could, but I don't want to. I think that's for the best. Yeah. Yeah What about you? Oh, I'll take whatever you can get you're like, hey you have to eat eight meatballs So you're gonna feel back pain Eight meatballs are why I feel back I think some of those are pushing my meatball bladder is an evident empty. I did when I was a carpenter, smacked myself in the elbow with a hammer a couple of times against some percussive. Oh my God, dude. Yeah. Well, yeah, I ran out. Dude, that's more. Yeah. You should just jumped off the ladder and yell DCW. Oh, yeah. I got made fun of because I jumped off a ladder because of a B and I said I was allergic, but it's

not true. I was just scared of bees. Yeah. a ladder because of a B and I said I was allergic, but it's not true I was just scared of bees. Yeah. Well, we all saw my girl What happened to my girl? Macaulay Culkin Kills his girlfriend or no, she he dies from Sorry, that's my dark rewrite of my girl. Sorry, but I can moves to Paris he starts killing prostitutes. Oh my God. Yeah. Home alone style. Yeah. Brings the prostitutes into their house. What about home alone? My call girl. Yeah, nice.

Laugh at it, Mike. Remember this one? Yeah. Yeah, that was good. That was good. It's like Byron Allen. Tell the joke. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. Yeah. He died from bees. Yeah. In that movie. Yeah. I think we've all done that thing where a bee is near us and you go, I'm allergic. So people don't know you're a pussy. I'm such a pussy with bees.

You know, it does hurt though. I does hurt. I have a distinct memory of being at the pool when I was younger and I was drinking a root beer and a bee flew on my. And then you sucked its dick. And it started walking around my face and I was next and I was drinking a root beer and a bee flew on my and then you sucked its dick And I was next to my mom and I was just tugging at her and she was like stop. I'm talking She just kept ignoring me think I just Was really going to be saved This tarantula mom

And that's how I turned into the candy man I thought you have a mustache. I heard they die if they sting you. Yeah. Like a bee has to really hate you. Well, because it's stinging you and then it's the stinger when it's stuck in you. It's like half its body. Yeah. Can you imagine? A wasp.

Would you ever be, I mean, I guess that's biting your nose despite your face. Yeah. To death. Well, it's got to think it's in. That was one of the activities that really hates Italians. What? What is? Biting your nose despite your face.

The nose is so long. No shrink. Yes, yes. You know, they're not all slam dunks. Tell me about it. You know, you get the rebound. That's okay. What about Lenny Markup?

Lenny Mark Zuckerberg? Nice. Is that nice? No bad ideas? Nice. Lenny Dykstra. Hey, just had a stroke. No, he was a guest on the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. And he had a stroke. Could you

have a hand in it? In him? Yeah. How do you think I got him on the bar? No, I texted him and someone was like, thank you for praying for Lenny. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, let's hit him up. Dude, I last time I texted him, I was like, Lenny, you got to come on the pot. He goes, I'm available whenever you want 24 seven. Is there ever a better answer than that? I go, how about like October second? Is there a better answer than that kid? Hey, just had a stroke. Why did I bring up Lenny Marcus?

Well, what were we saying? He was talking about your comedic inspirations. We were saying his material sucks, but he says it. Fuck you. You said it. No, I said if you, I like comics that if you read it on paper, you're like, but then the delivery and how they say makes it like Sinbad. Sinbad, one of the first specials I call him Sin. Great. Yeah. Sin the best.

I saw when I was 12, the comedy works on New Year's Eve at 6 p.m. and it rewired my brain. Really? Yeah, it was like bad brains. I was like, oh, this is completely new. I didn't know you could do anything like this before. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. I do a lot of stand up in a one piece suit. Yeah. and then you

Lips and Cassong at the end of your second of strokes. Do you remember that? He's how he had a couple. I know He did not look good my X-tep curry both look like they fucking just a pile of sweet transvestite Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's him curry Yeah. Yeah. Is Tim Curry from? Yeah, I get our picture show. Yeah. And it I'm Jim. Well, I called him it when he was a drag queen. Singer alert. That one's brought to you by Lucy Brand.

All right, we're going to play a few minutes of Rocky our picture show right here. It's against God. I thought she was it. They were kind of hot. Yeah. Yeah. The time where my parents' wedding dance.

Really? That's right. That's cool. That's really cool. We're cool swinging cats. Did your parents get you into music? Yeah, my dad did. Yeah, me too.

My dad, I remember I was trying to, you know, rebel by listening to... Get off your phone, man. We're talking about childhood memories. Texting Lenny. Hey, we punched up your name. I don't mean any of this stuff. Hey, we're talking a lot of shit about you, but I don't mean any of it. I never met the guy. So I'm bulletproof. He's really funny. Ian doesn't like his material, but he's really funny. He's a really funny guy. So you were building my father gave me a Buzzcocks record when I was playing Green Day loud. Really? Green? But Green Day? I

was playing no effects at my uncle's house and he took it out and put on a Led Zeppelin four. Awesome move. It was like, this will change your life. And it did for a time. And then he told me that the neighbors were gay and if I went on the lawn, I would catch it. And if I dropped my wallet, I might as well kick it all the way home. He was right. Yeah. Uncle Bill, what the fuck are you talking about?

It's the whole next summer I sat on their lawn. 12. Yeah, it was the whole next summer. And then in my room alone, I'm like, did I end up on their lawn and I didn't know it? Yeah, you go, I'm sorry, I was on their lawn. Why do I keep dropping my wallet? My amp wallet.

Wait, wait, kick the wallet? Don't you want to bend over and get fucked in the ass? Uncle Bill, you crazy. Oh, so I have a change egg. He sees you pick the wallet and he's like, huh, he didn't get fucked in the ass. Who's been lying to me, my little one? What else is untrue?

Yeah. My aunt belonged to like a CD club and she was like, yeah, let me know what CDs you want. And I was like, can I get this Adam Sandler CD? And she like got it for me. And then she listened to it with my uncle and she was like, I, it was too inappropriate, but I got you the almond brothers. So that's kind of how I got into the almond brothers. Interesting. But just to imagine my aunt like listening to- I was born into the walnut boys. Yeah. Yeah.

Tell me again, this is me started on the chest of one sister. Thank you. That's alright. Call me Al Mund. Do it. Okay. No, do it. Do it.

You're on my pod. Al Mund. Like Sam really wants us to call him Al Mund. Are you sure he wasn't kidding? Have you ever? No. No, man. You're on my pod. Oh, man. Like Sam really wants us to go out months. Are you sure it wasn't kidding? Have you ever? Have you ever listened to the Alvin and the chipmunks punk record slow down?

Yeah. What? Incredible. It's like chopped and screwed. Their version of refugee by Tom Petty slow down. Well, I know. Narrow Alvin and the chipmunks. And we're going to play it right about now. I thought that sucked. I didn't see the Marimba coming.

That's what I thought. Marimba? Marimba, which is a xylophone. I didn't watch the Roomba coming in. Yeah. I heard a guy hit on a girl the other day in a green room by saying, I got two vacuum robots running in my house all day. 24 seven, two vacuum robots all over the house.

You can eat off the floor. That's expensive. That would work for me. I mean, tell. They're like $1300. Can you just spill the tea and say who? I don't know the guy's name. I would gladly throw this guy on the bus, but it was some, you know, like dropping by hoping to get a guest set in a club type situation. And then hit on the waitress, the server, the serverette. I don't know the term.

Of course. The cans that brought more cans. Yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, he was like, I got two room bus going all the time. That's amazing. Check it out. Sometimes I'll stand on them and let them take me to my room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say, serve's up, school's out. It's great. Sometimes they pretend they're sled dogs, mush. I spread my legs to say, and I spoiled my groin. I lay down. Spoiled? Yeah.

Your groin went bad. When you said that your aunt was in a CD club, I was so removed from compact disc that I thought she was like going to like a billiards hall after hours and like flipping a coin, picking her teeth with a knife. I have a knife if you guys want to pick your teeth, I've been using the scrape arounds. Oh, what the floss. Yeah. That's what they call it out here. Yeah. We call it scrape arounds out West. Oh, okay. Yeah. They break a lot though. They do. And it's like I keep swallowing them.

Yeah. You know what I like doing? That's pretty pissed at him out. What's that? I'll floss and then I smell the floss. I do that too. No, I do. I do it because it's rough because you want to be like, oh, I'm cleaning my between my teeth. Yeah. Because people who don't floss have like that's what their breath smells like. Yeah. It's horrific. My God.

And I've been accused of being a smelly guy throughout my life. And I've reattacked her tail. Those rumors that must hurt. It did. Well, I did reek. It was bad. Oh, you were right. Well, my version of getting. solo was only an accused. No, no, it was a confirmation of my deepest fears. Yeah. They would walk back to San town. Here's reek of the week. Yeah. I used to stink. My wife, I stunk. Oh, yeah. Hey, you know, I that's a woman. I pride myself on not smelling like cigarettes. Yeah, it's tough. Except. I talked to you on this.

I don't think you should be very proud of yourself. No, but I do sometimes if I come right in from one and I get really, really embarrassed. Really? And they're like, you. Oh my God. Have another cigarette. I'm like, you can smell. I'm so sorry. You have a mustache, too. You know, you smell. You have to smell buddy. What the fuck are you saying? Stinker. Hey, man. I told him how to put that in the parentheses. Most likely to stink it up. Check. Did you guys win any of those? Like most likely shit. We

didn't have those called the superlatives. Yeah. You guys win any of that? You did? Yeah. I was in my class with a hundred people. So I got like four of them. I also got should have been a couple. I got should have been a couple and she was not stoked. Really? Was it a girl you were like in love with? I was desperately in love with her. So unrequited. Yes. Friendzone, but also we're still best friends. You know, yeah, I'll come over. Yeah. Yeah. Let's watch a movie on your bed. Oh, yeah. Let me go. Cuddle. I would have puddled. No, I've been friends owned by someone who in high school and we like cut. She like so obviously wanted me to make a move and she was like, come cuddle me.

And my dick would just be fucking so hard and I'm not making a move. Literally cuddled like holding her tit and being like, yeah, well, you know, like, I know how to do the reach around. I never made a fucking move. Like, the gentleman's coming in his pants. He's like, I struck out again. Yeah. Oh no.

One time I was at a sleepover and I was on my belly and a girl was like giving me a massage. And she's like, get off. She said, you're not a guy. Yeah. And she started to reach over here. And I started to. And you lifted up your.

And I go, my stomach hurts. Oh, yeah. And I went in the bathroom upstairs, looked in the mirror, I was like, you stupid fucking idiot. And then I called my mom and was like, you got to pick me up. She's like, did you come in here and pick himself again? Idiot and then I called my mom And that's one of the secrets you'll tell people Government of Nicaragua I used to spray soft. I'd get so horned up dude. I remember I came up and I gave this girl I'm talking about right now a hug from behind underneath. Oh fuck. Yeah. She was

like, what are you doing? And I was like, whoa. Yeah. Like looking her in the eye, I came soft while standing. Like 8 AM too. You came soft. And I jerked like 10 hours before. I was locked and loaded, dude. God bless her. She's great.

She's got a great family. Woo. Yeah, but fuck, I was obsessed with her from like six grade on. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, yeah. And I never had a shot. I'm all horny over it now, boys. I just, during my first kiss in Armageddon and in the movie theater. But fuck I was obsessed with her from like sixth grade on Yeah, I never had a shot

During my first kiss in Armageddon on the neighbor's lawn. Oh my God. Everything's crashing down around me. I'm involved family members and every time I just, just a child. Yeah. You can't come without calling someone in your family. During the podcast you should see me take out the phone. Mom. We had Sam on again.

All these stories. He. All these little hats. Yeah. Oh, gross. Yeah. Coming soft was an epidemic. Oh, yeah. You ever dry hump with a chick? Like, you know, a girlfriend that you guys weren't having sex with because you were young

or whatever. So you dry hump and stuff and come in your pants. Bro, can I tell you now as an adult, and I've done this recently, I have had a conversation where I'm like, look, I am trying not to have sex. It's become transactional with me and I don't want to do that. But if you're okay with it, be fun to like make out and just like, you know, lay in bed and get each other off. And I've been dry humping, making out, and then laying there, and I jerk myself, she fingers herself, we both come high five, laugh, and it's great.

Well, let's see the difference between that and just regular old fucking. Because there's something that happens when you fuck. That's more of a transaction, there's rules and paradigms. I want to have sex, put on this mask. I blessed all by one girl, Stop trying to high five me. Yeah. Your hands are all sticky.

Dude, it's hot. Try humping. She didn't want me to high five like teenage stuff again. It's great, dude. Try it. Try just hand stuff and a make out. It's cool. I can't do that because I'm married to an adult woman and I'm 36, but you keep it up,

all right? Yes, that rules. I can't do that because I'm married to an adult woman. I'm 36, but you keep it up. All right Yes, that rule try it I defy Poochy died on the way to his planet. I'll tell you, try it, man. It's fun. I think it's good to make new again. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Put a little remix, just dry, helping in the Wranglers. Yeah. For Valentine's Day, we made soup and then we watched love is blind and about three episodes in, I was like, we're still in love, right? Why? Cause love is blind because this is all kind of like husband, wife, shit, right? Yeah? Because this is all kind of like husband, wife, shit, right? Yeah. What kind of soup? She made a vegan

Robin. Nice. Very good. Nice. Coconut milk does a lot of work. Okay. Yep. See, I don't want to get to that point with anybody. You want to be close enough to someone to be quiet near them? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm horny and hungry. Yeah, you keep eating trumpets. Those like Afrodisiacs. Oh, is that what that is? Trumpets? No truffles is what you meant, right? No, Trumpets. Because you said you were horny.

You laughed, but you didn't get it. I thought you meant fucking truffles. What a good friend to yes and his what you know, I wouldn't have laughed if I didn't get it. Okay. Yeah. No, I, you have truffles obviously, but those aren't even mushrooms. They grow underground. That's why you have a big defined and I'm looking for a pig. Scenes waking up a little bit. I think truffles are a very, uh, that's, that's class war in action. What? Yeah. Like if you can afford to go to a restaurant, but you can't afford

the truffles, then you just still feel bad even though you spent $70. Like when they go to shave the truffles over the top and you're like, no, no, I don't want to spend the $35. I don't like it. Oh, I love truffles. I love darling. Truffles are like, they do get you horned up though. That's oysters. That's oysters. You're slurping something feels like it's the salinity typically is what they say. Oh no. I hurt my neck throwing a joke. I pulled my act out muscle. What happened? I was getting my shit in. Oh God. Oh fuck. You all right?

Pinch a nerve baby. A little bit. Got back problems. What? Thank you Jordan. Call me Jordan. Well you're in her seat. Is that why it smells like this?

Wait hold on. Oh my God. That was me smelling where her pussy usually is. He whiffed. I whiffed some of her pussy. That pussy smells good. There's no odor that comes from it. You smell her pussy?

Wants. Like a full on nose and the head rose? on but like you're gonna smell this. Oh You don't do that with your pals Push I had Ian's life No family I get to smell Jordan's pussy This is like a good life. No family, I get to smell Jordan's pussy. Some guy's. Yeah, some guys.

What do Jordan's pussy smell like? Like a closed down hot topic. Strong. You know, when you walk into a hot topic, like it smells like rubber in here. I went to hot topic twice this weekend at the mall. Every town I go to, I find a mall. I love malls. Yeah. It's my favorite.

That's where your target demo hangs out. Yeah. Workers. Homeless middle schoolers. Yeah. People who can fix your cell phone in half an hour. Did you try the escape rooms in that mall? Yeah. Did you really? No rooms in that mall? Yeah.

Did you really? No, of course. He's doing crowd work. Like, what do you do? But he's like, I sell cell phones. What do you do? I also sell cell phones. What about you in the back?

What do you do? I am a cell phone. Beep boop up. Text me. Beep boop up was my father's name. Can I tell you something's been making me laugh? I apologize. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Iop was my father's day. I tell you, someone's been making me laugh and I apologize early, but hey, call me ping. Mr. Pong was my father's name. It's been killing me. And there's not a home for that on stage. No way.

Yeah, I can't get enough of that thought. Say it. Do it. Why not? I can't man. All the young men with dead eyes and zintins on the table would not feel too kindly. Yeah, you know what's one I've been doing that everyone told me wouldn't work, but I You're act. Oh, Brendan. Sorry. Sorry. Was that camp you went to? That camp? Obviously not. Obviously not fat camp. They were like, we want you to concentrate on not eating. So in a way, it was a concentration. Concentrate on this banana.

So what have you been doing? I don't care. I just love what I'm trying to do. I go, I go, you know, I'm not, I don't even think I'm bisexual. You know, yeah, I've been with men and women in transfer, but I hate that term. I just tell people my sexuality is a lot like the Titanic women and children first. All right.

That's a good joke. That's funny. That's a good joke. That's funny. It almost wasn't. I was almost like, oh, God. That's what I love. He's doing a good joke. That's funny. It almost wasn't. I was almost like, oh God. That's what I love. He's doing a fucking ass.

Sometimes they just are so close to not and then they do. Yeah, I would like that. A lot of comics would like buy that joke off. It's a good joke. I just put out a special. And then I go, I'm just kidding. Men dress like women first. Yeah.

And tall kids. And Billy Zane. Men dress like women. Yeah. And tall kids. And Billy Zane. Men dressed like women. Does he dress like a woman in that movie? That's the whole thing he does. In that movie? He tries to get off the boat by dressing like a woman. Oh.

And he grabs a kid, right? Yeah. Wow, what a fucking jerk off. How much would you buy that joke of him for? 30 bucks. 30 bucks? Yeah. Beep boop. Yeah, 30 bucks. But I also get B poop. I also get B poop. Yes,

please. I need to play pay my myself bill. Your cell phone. Yeah. I'm with you. Hey, that's why you play the games. You can have that for 30 bucks. I thought that myself billed was good. Yeah. This is safe space. Wait, what were you saying? You were saying something someone's been doing something in Europe. I just put out a special so that you need a new hour. Yeah. And I didn't do it the right way. I put it out. And then the next weekend I was in Chicago for six shows. So I'm like, well, everything's on the table. And my wife saw me do stand up recently and I had a joke that was like, yeah, you know, I call my wife Babu and she calls me the hamburger helper.

Cause she's got a hamburger. I'll help her out with it. And then I get off stage and she's like, you're doing hamburger helper. What are you doing? Like she was mad at me. I love it. That is the best. That was a fun joke. Oh my God. You start from scratch.

Yeah, exactly. One night at the cellar, it was like a shit crowd. I was them seeing Luke Mones told me one of his jokes that he like never did that he wrote, but he thought it was too dumb. He was like, please do this on stage. And so the joke was, how come they put seeds on hamburger buns? What do they want us to plant more hamburgers?

And then I added the tag, wake up, people. It wasn't even funny bad. Yeah, it was silent bad. People were upset that they heard that. It was it was not the only he and have you ever Heard something and you think it's funny because you trick yourself into thinking it's funny because you're the only one laughing Let's Penny Marcus middle name candy I said penny like penny well, I couldn't do any more Marcus. So I was penny. I was going to be quiet.

Yeah. Cooking that up. Whatever takes to eat off hamburger. Keep it up. Well, what about this? You guys had the flavor blasted goldfish? They're pretty good. Yeah, they're more flavor. I'm a stop cheese on it. Yeah. More. I think I actually have. Yeah. Well, if you think they're good, don't try the finger blasted goldfish. Okay. God damn it. I was in a more fish finger. I had to go to the hospital. I like film the thing that I should pull real quick. I'm sorry. I feel bad as Mike, but I got here. We never met and he's like, people say you're

very funny. And now I've done two of my closers and they haven't hit that hard. Are they? No, fool. I was going to say, I, I like, I actually filmed this like really short kind of vignette. Your penis. Where multiple people, including Jordan told me to not put it out, which is weird. But it was the thing where I'm, I'm you're all right, but just really made me. You always like this? Yeah.

He's always drinking water. It's a sketch where I'm, I'm going through a thing of goldfish and it goes, the snack that smiles back and I pick out of goldfish and it goes to snack. That smiles back and I pick out a goldfish and it has black face on it on it's like, on it's like smiling stuff and I'm like looking at it. You know, that's the whole fucking thing where I'm like, Oh my God. And then it's like goldfish. And a lot of people said it was funny, but racist. You know, they have chocolate goldfish. You should put one in the bag and go, ew. So whatever.

Chocolate goldfish sounds fucking good. You put it in milk. You have a little cereal. Chocolate starfish. Euphemism for an asshole. Hot dog flavored water. I was just about to say that. What's hot dog flavored water?

The limpest juice. Yeah. Oh, OK. Well, it's like in a, you know, when you eat hot dog out of a hot dog cart, they keep it in water. Yeah. Hot dog flavored water. Yeah, it's really fun. They keep it in water. Yeah hot dog flavored water. Yeah That's really funny. He was like, I'm gonna eat my album after a butthole

Take off your pants and Jack I didn't get until like right last week. Yeah, yeah, and I'm of the state, of course That one's that one makes that one. Yeah, dude ranch. Yeah, what's dude ranch? his favorite salad dressing? I don't eat salad. My dream home. I was trying to point around you, but I'm sorry. You pointed it at me so much bigger and fatter than you. You're great. You're doing good.

I'm all right. You're doing good. All right. I don't care. This doesn't hurt my feelings. I would take my shoes off, but it's not a glass. It's pod. I took them off and I'm putting them back. Yeah, that's okay. I'm just laughing so much.

I'm sweating. You've copper toned socks on copper toned. Yeah. Didn't they have like copper socks for a while? I remember that. And I did have those. And those are those. Huh. I haven't seen those in a long time. Me either. I feel like you should always have those like hospital socks on. I've worn quite a few just so you're ready. You still have them. Yeah. You go, I brought my own socks. Yeah. They are on my hands though.

Those socks are comfy. Are they? Cause they have a bracelet to come with. Right. The handcuffs. Um, so the, but those socks, they have like grips on them. Why do they have grips on them? So you cannot slip on the floors. Yeah. Cause the floors are always, and you're not wearing them. No shoes. They took your shoes away because you might hang yourself cause you have lupus. Yeah. Cause you had no shoelaces. Oh right. You might hang yourself with a shoelace. I went to jail once and as they were walking me out of my own home, I looked down at my shoes and I said, can I put my shoes on? He said, shut up.

Then I had to do a night in Denver County jail without any shoes. Everyone thought it was because I was going to kill myself. Oh my God. What's going to get yanked out of your home for a noise complaint because my band was practicing after 10 and I opened the door. Wow. And they arrested you. They took your coming with us. It was like maybe the 10th noise complaint and we would never opened the door. Wow. And they arrested you, they went, you're coming with us.

It was like maybe the 10th noise complaint and we would never open the door. But I opened the door this time to be like, come back with a warrant pigs. And they just took me and like arrested me and took me to jail for what? Calling them pigs. No, no, for a noise complaint.

What was your bail set at? I just went to court in the morning and they gave me time served. Yeah, oh, that's great. Cause they were like, they took you to jail for a noise complaint. And I was like, yeah, and he wouldn't let me have my shoes. And the judge was like, what are we doing? You're wasting my time. Right. Yeah. There's a, there's a, there's a fucking child rapist sitting next to you. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, that's a mirror.

He looks just like Ian. What do you say for me, Josh? I pulled my tag muscle. I'm sorry. They gave the child rape for some of your time. Yeah. Yeah, it's like when you're at the club. Yeah. I'm gonna give up some of my time.

Have you ever, do you watch, I've been watching these teens get life sentence reaction videos. Me too. I love those. Where they, and it's so funny because the judge, every one of these I see, the judge has never seen something like this before.

In all my years, I've never seen a, you know, wouldn't it be funny if you was like, in all my years, I've never seen a killer with such a presence. Yeah. You got anything you want to workshop? No, I was trying to think something. Got any tags for a killer with such a presence? No, I don trying to think something. Daddy tags are killer with such business. I don't want to pull any of that.

The teens like surprised they got life sentences. Some of them are just dead. I'd like, well, most of them know. Most of them already know because they're being told they're like, you're going to get a life sentence. Some of them are like, what? Like it's really awesome. No, it breaks my heart. Those are tough. That's tough on me.

Just because the kid, your history. No, just because I know. Those are tough. That's tough on me. Just because the kid- Because of your history and- No, no, just because I know their brains aren't fully formed. Right. You know, so it's like- Some of them are fucked though. Some of them deserve it a little bit. I know, I know.

And you know, like a life sentence is still like, yeah, it's life with the possibility of parole. I'm serving a wife sentence. Ha ha ha ha. Me too, brother. Here's a wife sentence. Stop coming so fast. Yeah.

Please be hard. Here's a wife sentence. Put the so fast. Please be hard. Here's a wife sentence. Put the seat down. Why are you home so late? Why do you smell like grits? Here's a wife sentence. Who's that woman you've been DMing? Put a baby in here. I'm leaving.

Yeah. Here's a wife sentence. Oh, I miscarried again. Here's a wife sentence. Oh, I miscarried again. Here's a wife. Get a real job. I've never been married. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's silent. Yeah. It's good. There you go. There we go. What's that? Me and finally cooking. That was he was guessing your age. Right. I was guessing your age. Right. Damn.

I'm coming for you. Sam. All those fat jokes. I'm starting to wake up. We took him an hour, but he's there. We should start recording. You think we're like cool, right? And like funny enough. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

I'll say that the last time I was here, the most fun I had doing the 15 pods I did or whatever it was, this one really was so much fun. Remember me and Horn if you're honky, we did the glasses swap. I love that you got inky and your stinky. Like I would just come in here like bleary eyed for, you know, talking about sports for four hours or like, well, we can goof around. Yeah. This podcast really is the best.

It's the slap and tickle hour featuring Sam and the Bunch. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, as long as you don't talk about Islam, it's fine. I've heard rumors of something going on. What is palace time? Palace time? I don't know, escalate it.

Yeah, it's like what, we all want to hang out in the castle. I get it. It's about 4.45. When Jordan eventually spins her head on a bat too many times and forgets how to swallow, this will be the pocket. Damn. That one got me going. Damn. Damn. I'm gonna fly in every week

It's very nice to say thank you. Oh, yeah It's a blast. God every other podcast is like has to have a fucking theme and shit. And that's from someone who came from a theme podcast. I'm a little resentful. Yeah. It's called like it's called like the bread show or something. Yeah. It's a different brand. We actually come in and we talk about gluten free breads and monster energy. You ever do the homework podcast?

I don't even know her. Pumper. Yeah. He brought her. I don't pump any nickels as I was taught in the south where I'm from at the camp to never pump any tickles. Any tickles. Any tickles. I don't pump tickles.

This one. Are you ticklish? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very ticklish. Really? Yeah. I'm a sides guy. I hate. I hate being tickled. This one are you ticklish? Oh, yeah Really do I'm a sides guy. I hate I hate being tickled. I dude I And then it turns a stop Wow. I'll do that. Stop it. I have to.

Stop it. Don't do that. What is this? Stop it. I told you to stop. Make sure you show me and Mike's faces during that exchange because it was just, uh, it's not great. Yeah, right here. My dad will still like come up and be like.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stop. I'm 36. Mom's dead. I would kill to have my father do that one last time. Yeah. I shouldn't have brought it up. I forgot the theme of this pot, which is tiptoe around your traumas. He and I'll dress up like your dad and tickle you like that dream he keeps having. Oh, that's good. Thank you for doing this. Thank you. So fun. Let's come out. Hey,

two hours on my grave. No more cigarette butts. My wife has to clean those up in two weeks, three weeks. Okay. Well, Hey, we had a good run. See me wherever Sam talent.com. Oh, watch my new travel show on Sam talent. YouTube. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is it? We got Japan. We got Paris coming. Well, that's already. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do? It's me dicking around with my buddies and then I do like hilarious voiceover over the top of the beautiful footage. Reaggregate. It's the best. I'm really proud of it. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. When's that come out tomorrow? But today, tomorrow, so 14 weeks ago, it came out.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Just samtown.com and watch 15. Watch my special. I want Sam to like it. I like you guys already. Come on. Hey, come on. I mean, sincere. I talk like this. Like you. What do you got? Uh, Mike, Christine, comedy.com for all my road dates.

And I'll be releasing my special on YouTube March 21st and check out my podcast out for smokes. Yeah. And my podcast, Joby Behemoth. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Brendan, Sagalow.com for all my dates. I'll be in PA, Long Island and Nashville coming up and also join my YouTube. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day.

It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day.

It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day. It's excited, man. It's free because the network's passed on it, right?

So it's on YouTube. I invite you into my home. I'm sorry. I can't believe you did the concentration camp job. I animal 69 on Twitter and Instagram and Patreon.com slash beanie.com. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it.

I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of job. I animal six nine on Twitter and Instagram and patreon.com slash be any and pond we got a ton of fun stuff and also punch up live.com slash Jordan Jensen. She's going all over check her out. She's a fucking best.

We love her. We miss her and she'll be here next time. Thank you guys so much. Thank you guys. This was a fucking blast. Get off. We're almost done. Fuck fuck it tickle me and hurt me yeah but the rings on you forget yeah I have hurt many people yeah I know we're all waiting for written apologies I hurt my right

We know for years. Yeah. It's not your strong hand already. Yeah. Well, how's your charm hand? It's strong as hell. What's the how about the act out are? My pizzazz bones killing it. All right, bye bye.

That's how you pod. Woo! Music It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore