Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 088: The Old Queen W/ Brian Simpson, Maddie Wiener, & Cousin Sheri

Episode Date: April 3, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s WATCH BRIAN SIMPSON'S LIVE FROM THE MOTHERSHIP HERE: https://www.netflix.com/title/81684893 Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Brian Simpson Here : https://www.instagram.com/bscomedian/ See More Brian Here : https://linktr.ee/bscomedian WATCH BRIAN SIMPSON'S LIVE FROM THE MOTHERSHIP HERE: https://www.netflix.com/title/81684893 Follow Cousin Sheri Here : https://www.instagram.com/sheribaby11/ https://www.instagram.com/pimpdaddypod/   @PimpDaddypodcast  Follow Maddie Wiener Here : https://www.instagram.com/maddietwiener/ See More Maddie Here : https://linktr.ee/maddietw  @PhoneIsInTheBag  Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan.

Meow. So how do you decide whether to Tays are guests or not? Well, you know, how does it decide whether it's going to rain or shine? You know, it's a feeling of bipolar. You just have to feel it. What do I feel like? Welcome back to another episode of being in with Jordan. I am so excited for today. Jordan is on the road, but we got a ragtag group, a plus guess, and I could not be happier to have them by my side. Right here to my left. Brian Simpson.

Brian Simpson. Good to know. To his left, Maddie Weiner. Yo, what's up? And you know her, you love her, Cousin Sherry. Cousin Sherry, baby, what's crackin'? Hello, now let's officially start, ready? Have you ever blown a Jewish shofar?

A Jewish shofar, A Jewish shofar? No. That sounded like a little tongue twister. Have you ever blown a Jewish shofar? Have you ever blown a Jewish shofar? Have you ever blown a Jewish shofar? Your turn. Have you ever blown a Jewish shofar?

You want to. Is that what's called a shofar? Yeah, yeah. You want to blow it? It actually is hard. I remember trying to do it as a kid. It is hard. It's hard, right? You want to? Is that what's called a shofar? Yeah, yeah, you want to blow it? It actually is hard. I remember trying to do it as a kid. It's hard, right? You want to try it? I smoked too many cigarettes for that.

It's like a trumpet. What's it for? To start wars? I think it's a holiday that they have. Wait, are you not Jewish? No, I'm not Jewish. Wow, that was a good one. You had to blow it growing up. I remember trying it one time as a kid, but I wasn't like super religious.

Yeah. But like, like culturally Jewish. But we kind of, you know, it kind of faded out. Right. Well, I grew up Italian. The first time I ever blew a Jewish Shafar was at my old roommate's house for Shabbat, and they were like, it'd be funny if you blew the horn. I was like, do, do, do, do, do. And I did 23 of me and found out that I'm a Jewish. Yes. Oh, shit. Oh, well, by that I'm fucking, I'm the, you know, we, I grew up like doing Shabbat every Friday and stuff, but like, but it wasn't like a religious,

like I think both my parents are like atheists. Like nobody really cared about that part. You didn't grow up religious at all. Not really. We are like atheists, like nobody really cared about that part of it. You didn't grow up religious at all? Not really. We had God when I was like five and then they were kind of like, man, nevermind. Did you grow up religious? Yeah. Yeah.

I grew up decently religious. Where'd you grow up? BG County, Maryland. Oh. Okay. Yeah, foster child. Oh. So, but all my foster families were religious.

I was going to say you religion depended on the family. Yeah, so I just kind of stopped buying it. I started questioning it pretty early on. Oh, yeah. I was going to ask, did any of it stick into like adulthood? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't, I wasn't a, I didn't completely non-believe until I was,

till I went, I took a college class that was like philosophies of religion or something like that. And then I started, and then I learned more about my religion in that class than I had actually growing up in it. And then they're like, oh, that kind of all, none of it makes any sense. Yeah, it's all a fable.

Yeah, I mean, when you, because the brilliant shit they did in the class was, first they taught you basic logic and reasoning, and then they had- Throw that out the window. God, they have you and they have you like apply it to all these other religions. So you start with like booty Buddhism and like when it

started in the history of it and what the world was like and what led to people wanting to believe and you do all these other riches and then when you get to yours and you fairly apply the same logic to your it's kind of tough. It doesn't hold up. Wait, so why would they start with logic and reason with all the other religions? No, I think this is the college class, right?

The college. So you start with you start with just basic logic period. Like, uh, policies and how to. Oh, I thought it was, I thought it was like a religion class to boost up, like say you're Christian, so you took like Christian scriptures and it was like, we're gonna start out with logic and reason why all the other religions are not right

and ours is right. Just thinking at the end, you'd be like, this makes the most sense. It was like an objective look at the philosophies of all the religions. Oh. That's interesting too, when you realize it, then they're like, oh, these are be like, this makes the most sense. It was like an objective look at the philosophies of all the religions. Oh, that's interesting too when you realize it. Then they're like, oh, these are all like a product of their culture and their time and what they needed.

It's like, oh, it's so human. We started with like 40 people in that class and I think there were 12 people left at the end. Yeah. Whoa. God damn. Did you then, did you swing into like atheism? I did, I did.

It was something. It was like, hey, same here. I followed you swing into like atheism? I did, I did. It was some- It was like, hey, same here. I followed some girl into like this atheist fellowship. There it is. There, the pussy got you. Yup, yup. To God!

Yup. That pussy from God, baby. It didn't, but I, but it was, then I realized that wasn't really me neither, and I started doing standup at the same time. And I was like, oh, this is, it was just a lot of like, you know, like holier than thou white people. It was no black people in my atheist group.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't meet many black atheists and the one you do you wish you didn't meet. I mean, the thing is, yeah, the thing is, I think you meet black, you don't meet a lot of black people that will say they atheists. Ah. But a lot of people, I mean, most people live like they don't believe shit.

And then as soon as but it's like part of their identity. So if you ask them if they believe it, they go, oh, yeah, sure. And then they're like, cheat on their wife and like, yeah, like Mormons, the only ones that really be sticking to the to the rules. Well, yeah, why wouldn't you use like 10 wives? You better fucking believe it. You can't believe it. Really? Yeah, moments can drink coffee.

We can't have sex either, but they stick their dicks in vaginas and just like soak. And then they have a spotter. Is it called a spotter soak? The person that jumps on the bed. Yeah. Yeah. You know about this, Sherry? I know. I like apply the most. It's like they're soaking and then somebody jumps on the bed. So the bed moves and they're like, I'm not fucking you,

I just fell into your pussy and it's moving on its own. Do they do that with oral sex, but like you just put your mouth on a girl's pussy and they turn on heavy metal and they're like, no headband. Yeah, all right, I'm not eating pussy. But that's such a crazy thing to think that like, you gonna get to heaven and get judged and God be like, yeah, so you fucked this girl

when you were two years old. And he's like, well, technically. Like, you gonna be able to argue with him about it? Well, that's like the whole thing that like- Like God works on like that. I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, ah, fuck.

I remember my grandmother, like the whole God in sexing is such a mind fuck to think that like, he's all being and all knowing and responsible for everything, but at the same time, he's paying attention to what this one little person's doing sexually. And my grandmother would be like, don't touch yourself. It makes a baby Jesus cry. And even at like, you know, twenty one when she told me this, I was like, she was dead by then.

She was dead by then. Even at like 10 or 11, I was like, are you sure that like, God is, Jesus is in heaven, he's sulking. They're like, what's wrong? Is it war? And he's like, no, worse. There's an 11 year old in Delaware touching his little penis. And they're like, oh, take a moment, Jesus. There's a teenager down there feeling as good as possible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be fair, if I died and then was like, I died for them little, little, and then there's just a bunch of people, ah! There's a little bit of like, I fucking died for you, dude. I would jerk off in my grandparents' living room nonstop because that's the only place the Spice Channel was. So maybe she just didn't have the balls to be like, quit whacking off. It was like, Jesus is crying. They're trying to go to sleep. And I'm just like, that's why you don't do potlucks and stuff at people's houses

when they have teenage boys. There's cum everywhere. You don't know where the cum is. Did you ever get caught jerking off? Oh, yeah. Yeah. By foster parents? No. Well, actually, you know what's funny is my stepmother caught me, but she's the reason. You were jerking off. Yeah. Yeah.

So y'all might not know this. She's like, stop. You're like, it's deeper than this. You're only going to make me cum harder. No, no, no. So like in the black community, being ashy is like a real- Sin.

Right. Is, you know, cause you're, it's just black, it's just if you're black, your dry skin is visible. And it makes you look poor. And so it's a massive reflection on your parents, right? So like if you ashy, like some, like I've been ashy out in public

and like random black woman We'll just put a dab of lotion Look after a stranger like that. Oh, yeah, so so what can whites do to help each other out? We just walk up and go No, but she she one time I was like as she had something and embarrassed her she was like Yeah, why should I? Shut your fucking mouth. Shut the fuck up. No, but she, she one time I was like, as she had something and embarrassed her, she was like, when I came home, she was like, she was like, I was going to go take a shower. She was like, and you put fucking lotion everywhere. And I was like, oh, and I took it literally. What an introduction to pornography.

Yeah. And then as soon as I get the lotion lotion and I never put lotion on my dick before. And then when I got down to my dick, I was like, whoa. Hell yeah. I think she created a monster. Literally. Cause I'm like, I'm never gonna stop doing that. Literally. Your cock's the shiniest part of your body.

And then I started doing that thing that young boys do. I would like disappear. I would shower extra long And I just it just got to the point where I was being reckless with uh-huh. Yeah, and one day she Like she walked in on me and then immediately walked out of the room and she never said anything anything about it Really? No, she didn't say a thing. She didn't say a thing. Wow. What a fucking true blue hero She didn't say a thing. Wow, what a fucking true blue hero. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is wild, because- Because that could have completely fucked you up, Psych-A-Lot. Dude, I forget who I was talking to, but someone was telling me that this guy she dated had like a really weird sexual fetish with his penis, and he said that it happened when his, he got caught having sex as like a teenager

and the girl's mom walked in and was like, put your filthy penis away. Take your disgusting little penis away from my daughter. And the guy for the rest of his life was like, just step on my little gross dick. You're a dumb and atrix all the time. Your step mom saved your life. Yeah.

Yeah. I just feel like, hey. Well, somebody tell me that your kinks are genetic. Really? Wow, I'll kill myself. I am one fucked up person. Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. Your mom likes you too. Yeah. Woo! Yeah, I'm going to slit my wrist right now. Wow. Which one in my family like ball play? Yeah, it's probably a mix of like, it's like you predispose a certain shit

and then I think like whatever your first sexual thing is, not necessarily sex, but your first encounter with sex. Cause I have a friend that was like, looking for his Christmas presents one year or whatever. And he discovers his parents' sex chest and it's got, you know, ball gags, and handcuffs and all of this shit. And now he's into all that.

And he never put it together. I was like, what do you mean? And this was before he was having sexual thoughts, but when a chest full of fucking dildos and other sex toys falls on you when you're like six. Hell yeah, that's my dream. It's still in prints on you. That's awesome, yeah.

Holy shit. I feel like all of that comes from something in your childhood. It has to. Or it's like a generational, like I like guys put their hand over my mouth because like my family had to like flee the pogroms in Russia or something. You know what I mean?

Like it's some like, it's some deep seated like safety. Like how like certain animals- Put your hand over my mouth and say, choo choo. It's like how, like animals know they have to do shit. You know what I mean? It's like cats know that they need to like go die alone. There's just something in me that's like be quiet. Oh my God.

Yeah, dogs still to this day because of evolution centuries ago. You know when dogs on couches just circle and start to dig and lay down? It's because they used to have to do that in the fields to soften the land for them to lay on to sleep. Whoa. Yeah. You know what gets me about dogs?

You'll see them shit and then they'll like kick up dirt behind it. They're digging, yeah. But it seems like they think they're burying the shit, but they always miss by like five feet. And I'm like, you fuck. Maybe they had to bury the shit so they wouldn't be hunted or found.

But they never actually bury it now. Yeah. And maybe I have to fuck a girl with a penis because evolutionarily speaking, one of my ancestors got hit in their head in a cave or something you got to do it like I think they also all shit Like lined up with the earth's big it's north. It's like north south. Yeah That's why they turn around when they try to take a shit. They kind of do it like a circle North and then they exactly. Yeah, what that's why the dogs don't like the shit in the house

because they can't find their true north. You think about how many, if you do the same thing when you fucking girls with a dick? No, I'm trying to think of something. He's like face that way. Evolutionarily, it's now my kink or whatever. Like, did one of my ancestors like have to come on their bellies so they wouldn't be murdered?

Oh yeah, it was over-seated. But also there's the, what's the shit the I think it's called epigenetics. Oh, yeah. Where it's like if whatever trauma you have is, it's a little it's imprinted in your DNA. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So if it happens before you have kids, some of it gets passed. Yeah. Yeah. Memory, ancestral trauma.

Yeah. And the epigenetics is like, like the genes are like an on and off switch. But epigenetics is like a dial. So it's like how much it can't like affect your data. But how much it's expressed is like a result of like your environment. And some of it, I think, is like generational trauma. And some of it is just like your grandma smoked cigarettes and now that shit gets passed out. You know what I mean? Like some of it's think is like generational trauma and some of it is just like your grandma smoked cigarettes and now that shit gets passed out. You know what I mean? Like some of it's like simple like-

And also how much anxiety the mother experiences while pregnant can directly influence the child too. So it's like, I know if it's genetic, I know my mom has to be a stone cold freak. Same, same, same. Don't say that I know your mom! Yo, you know Clyde and Camille was getting down. Oh my God. Yeah, bro. And you know, because you're like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm

like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, same. Same, same, same. Don't say that, I know your mom. Yo, you know, Clyde and Camille was getting down. Oh my God. Yeah, bro, and you know, because how old is your mom? Well, she's 62. Okay, and what about yours? Uh-uh. Yeah.

Really? Maybe 65, I don't know. Once they start feeling they mortality, they gonna start telling you shit, where you're like, don't fucking tell me that. Yeah, she tells me shit. She's like, dad's the only guy I've ever had sex with, and I really regret it. Oh, yeah. And I're like, don't fucking tell me that. Yeah, she tells me shit. She's like, dad's the only guy I've ever had sex with and I really regret it.

And I'm like, Oh yeah. I'm like, there's still time, Camille. I know. They start opening up to you. Dye your hair, get out there. It's like, once all their friends start dying, they start opening up to their kids.

Yeah, it's mad weird. Wow. Just so you know, that Charlie put it on me. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's very strange. They love opening up about sex stuff that should just stay in the box, and they also love updating you about their will. Oh, right, right.

Does that happen to any of you? My parents ain't giving me shit. It's just, you're going to get the Toyota Highlander. And don't worry, when I am going to go, don't put me in a home. I have a bottle of pills. And the next day, when I am gonna go, don't put me in a home, I have a bottle of pills, and the next day you kill the pets so that they don't have to live without me. And I'm like, well I understand the pills is you,

but something can be done about these pets. I'll take the pills. Oh, I get the Highlander, mom, I think you're getting a cold. Putting a pillow over her mouth. Well I like the ones that talk about it, because then you don't gotta fight with your siblings about it Well, I'm an only child

So she's gonna be you know a gun to the back of the head in me, you know, I mean no he is Yeah, unless John was out there digging, you know slanging. Yeah. No, I'm gonna watch us. You know my job No, no, no, no, it's all wild. I'm like, I'm like, I was the youngest on my mother's side and the oldest on my father's side. Whoa. Whoa. Wait, let me solve that riddle with my head.

It's like a four dimensional middle child. That's crazy. What's youngest on the mother's side and oldest on the father side? No, but now, right. I was just going to go with you. But now I'm the middle child. I'm the middle child on my mother side. And he's now the middle child.

What? Wait, sorry. What did you say? Now I'm the middle child on my mother side. Wait, because you're siblings, Taj. Or no. No, because you're not the kid. Hold on, say again.

You're the oldest, you're the youngest? I was the youngest of two on my mother's side. Then boom, fast forward, you know, she disappeared, false kid, false kid, and then on my dad's side, I was the oldest. Right, and then your mom came back, had another kid, and now you're the middle. Right.

Whoa. Wow. That's tricky. But I was already grown. Oh, now you're the middle. Right. Whoa. Wow. That's tricky. But I was already grown. Oh, so you don't give a shit. No, I never, I mean, I never cared anyway. I never had any, cause I'm, you know, the blessing of it all is I'm unburdened by,

like 99% of my friends got this, like they're like beholden to pleasing their parents. And I got none of that. Yeah, my parents- Let's go pier that. Mm. Yeah, my parents- Let's go pierce your ears. Yeah, my parents, no, my parents, if they just, I mean, I listen to what they got to say, but I'm like, I ain't doing no shit.

I don't need you to be happy with what I'm doing. But a lot of my friends are like tortured by it. Like, what do my mom think? What my dad will think? And I'm like, fuck that, they- Do you think that's why you joined the Marine Corps? Oh yeah, yeah. Well, no, I joined the Marine Corps

as like active rebellion. I was like, just to get out of you think that's why you joined the Marine Corps? Oh yeah, yeah. Well, no, I joined the Marine Corps as like active rebellion. I was like, just to get out of the system. When did you join Marine Corps? 2001, March 2001. 9-11. No, before 9-11. Before 9-11, yeah. Yeah, no plans to do, I wasn't sure.

So when 9-11 hit, were you like, oh fuck. Going to one of the stands. God damn it. Yeah. Obviously, you get a lot of new recruits who are like, I gotta serve my country. And you're like, okay, I'm here for real, dude. Like there's like posters coming in

and it's like opportunistic, like you'll be on in two weeks. A bunch of patriotic shit. And I was like, I was never on that shit. I was like, I'm trying to go to school. Yeah, trying to. I'm trying to go to school. And then coincidentally, I went to the Marine Corps to go to school and then I dropped out of school

to do comedy, so I really went to war for nothing. Hilarious, did you serve overseas? Yeah, I went twice to Iraq twice. No shit. Holy shit. Thanks. But then I mean, I didn't do anything. I guess, I mean. I didn't do anything, I just waited.

Yeah. You ever kill anyone? Did a lot of waiting. Jesus Christ. What the fuck's the matter with you? Sometimes I just blur it out. Yeah, you ever kill anyone Jordan see today Like meeting murderers in here in their stories nobody's nobody is dead because of me. Hmm. Oh, well, that's okay So step those crowds on your new Netflix special Well, that's okay to step those crowds on your new Netflix special

March 19 Two weeks so it's it's out now check it out go check it out now only on streaming only on Netflix We'll be right back after this. Commercial break. Hell yeah, that's great. Damn, I got a little too high. Oh, you got high this morning? I ate a little nibble of an edible. Oh.

You know, just to get my mind right. I love a little edible and some coffee. Balance it out. Oh my God, that would break my brain. Yeah, and I was just walking around Brooklyn like, this is not how Biggie described it. Not, it used to be, like when he was alive, it was like that.

This is definitely just right. But now this is the Midwest kids are coming over and making it Midwest. Yeah, I'm like, I'm seeing my white ladies jogging. You fucking bitch. Fucking ax. Fucking ax throwing. Cover up that colored hair.

I like that, I like that. Oh, Sherri's feeling it. Like what happens then when you go, where Brooklyn at? They don't know what it means. Like when you see spread love is the Brooklyn way, that's a biggie. That's from the biggie song. Little stupid white people in the front like spread love is the Brooklyn way. Bitch, that's a biggie quote.

Like they don't they have no idea about the culture. I think that was the most deaf quote. No, that's a biggie quote. Like they have no idea about the culture. That was the most deaf quote. No, that's what you spread love is to Brooklyn Way. From Juicy. Oh, you're right. Yeah, from Juicy. But yeah. Yeah, Sherri's a black man on the inside.

I think most deaf said it. Most deaf like repeated it. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Well now he's. I've been in this spot since 2007 and it's changed a ton but the

I was told like even ten years before I moved in it was just like packs of dogs on the street like Yeah, the first time I went to Brooklyn in 2003, I got off the bus and I was like, why aren't I being shot? Like this is, we were in like Marine Park, which is like a nice family neighborhood. Oh no, that's Italian family. But if you got off on the wrong stop, if you get off on, there are still parts that are like do not go there ever. Yeah, like Brownsville, East New York, they're not being junction-fled.

I used to teach there. No, not yet. No, Brownsville and East New York. They're not being judged. I used to teach there. Yeah, no, Brownsville and East New York are not not yet. Yeah. But even still, like usually, like if you mind your business and you're not stunting on people, people leave you alone. Exactly. Thanks. So keep your head down and you know, it's funny. Like in like rural parts of America, there's this idea of people are like,

get off my land. You ain't invaded here. And then that's like what they like love about like America. And then in East New York and Brownsville, it's the same thing, but black. And they're like, this is terribly dangerous. Oh yeah. Well, also they don't own the land. That's the big difference. So why do they fight over it? You know, let's solve it today. Yeah, that's why we brought you on the black. We got you high now.

Solve the problem. Don't worry. This is forever. Yeah, I'm in pure cynic mode. Like, I don't think there's I don't think any of this shit can get fixed. Never. I just hope I can drop a few specials before it all. Yeah, sure. Dude, when I was teaching, I was jaw's on the floor every day of like, yo, this is insane how to...

I'm clearly not doing my job because nobody's learning anything, but the amount of just general stupidity was jaw-dropping. It was the saddest... What'd you knock over? A rat? The rat probably. The man with the Bible in his hand? It's okay, just. His name's Richard.

He's taking the shit too. He's reading the taxidermy times. Yeah. We love Richard. But now it's at a level that like, I saw a video of a guy outside of different barber shops in Brooklyn asking teenagers to read a clock. Oh yeah, they don't have to. And they couldn't do it. Oh my God. They couldn to read a clock. Oh yeah, they don't have to.

And they couldn't do it. Oh my God. They couldn't read a clock. That could be slightly generational though too. It's the younger. Because when do you have to read a clock now? It's true. You should be able to read a fucking clock.

There should be no excuse to not read a clock. It's like also like you should be able to write on a piece of paper. You know, Chase Bernstein. Who's that? She's a LA comic, but she has? She's she's a she's a L.A. comic, but she has a joke where she calls it circle time. Yeah.

I can't read circles. What is this science shit? Is that is that am I insane for thinking we should always be able to read circle time? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know, man, because I think we just got accepted. The world is in ours anymore. People are dumber. People are using like the kids now they're using like text abbreviations in like corporate emails and shit. Yeah. You see like TikToks influence the way like people talk in real life.

Yeah. Yeah. And I don't want to sit around mad about how everything's changed. Cause you're, cause why it really bothers you is that you've mastered the world. And now someone else has. And now it's moving on. Oh, it's like when people are like, well, I paid off my student loans.

Right. Like why figured out a clock? Right. Like that's not the proper way. That was my big accomplishment. I can write cursive. I went to clock school and I went into debt. Back in my day, we knew how to read a clock. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Everybody's moved so far and then now they see there's you can get through life so much easier. You're like, what was this thing, right?

I don't think people are gonna be able to write with handwriting at a certain point. Yeah, I think they're not teaching cursive. Yeah, that's what I mean. They're not doing cursive. That was such a big deal for me in cursive, having to write it. How do you sign your name then?

Pah, pah, put an emoji. Pah. Like just face ID. Yeah. Yeah. Will you even need a signature in the future? Thumbprint. Well, you were talking earlier, too, about like Google Maps and shit in the city. I've had I had, you know, like Apple Maps when I like learned to drive.

Yeah. Now I'm like, I literally fucking cannot imagine. Yeah. Not having that. Like, I don't know how that I'm like, I literally fucking cannot imagine not having that. Like I don't know how that, I'm so dependent on it. And hopefully that it doesn't crash. Just driving around with MapQuest printouts. We used to have an actual map. Crazy. A map map that you unfold and have to put it on the seat next to you and figure out

where you're going. Dude, I was talking to a teller about like getting a Vails and everything and you would just have to go out and throughout the day get to a payphone and call avails and everything and you would just have to go out and Throughout the day get to a payphone and call your house. Yeah, if you had messages to like clock in with your avails Wow It's my time. Yes Somebody used to fax them. Oh, yeah My mom's phone still says if you would like to leave a fax How do you go around doing five spots a night too

if you don't have fucking Google Maps? Just maps to every. You just remembered. You know what it is? It's just like you start to remember people's phone numbers. Yeah. That's true. And you just did.

And I think, cause even those, all the people you hear talking about how it used to be, they can't do it now either. Yeah. I still remember like four phone numbers of my best friends growing up. Yeah. Yeah, I've got two.

You just don't have space in your brain. 610-459-393-3. Pennsylvania. 3393. No, I'm sorry, Randen. So like in a pinch you can call him? You don't need to live there anymore. You don't need to live there anymore.

No one lives in that, that's an old landline. No landlines anymore, yeah. I know, my mom, my dad's in our old landline, but that's I'm like, I have kids. I don't think I'll have a landline. Why would we need a landline? I don't think they have them. I used to carry around a piece of paper with people's numbers in it in my wallet in case I got locked up and I had to call someone. Yeah. And a quarter. Damn. There's something about flirting and writing your number on a piece of paper and.

Yeah, I used to love to do that. I've done that at comedy clubs where like I've like thought in my dumb brain that I've hit it off with like a girl on the crowd and Jesus Christ, I wrote like, I'm the cell phone joke guy, but do you like me? Yes. Check. Yes. For yes. Check. No. For no. But do you like me? Yes check yes for yes check no Is at the point to where like people value

The social media like I've had people Like comics that I'm friends with that I didn't know like they were upset for a long time because I didn't follow them on something And it's like and and when I when they brought it up, it was like, you're literally standing in my house. That's closer than a social media file. None of my followers have been to my house. So it was like, what? But it matters to some people. Yeah, they want everyone else to know that you follow.

I had somebody text me yesterday to tell me that they sent me an Instagram. Wow. That's an Instagram. Wow. That's so funny. Wow. Why are you doing this? That's crazy. Why didn't they just say the message in the text?

I have no idea. Cause I'm not, I have all notifications off. I don't, none of my social media's notified me. Yeah, same. So I have a certain time where I'll sit down and go through them all. So if you message me on one of those,'s not because I don't like people feeling like They can just get up like I owe them

Contact mm-hmm because people messaged one thing. Oh, why the fuck haven't you I know you saw it I was like I didn't see it. They take it sometimes I see it. It'll pop up like I'll try to click on like someone's story or something and a DM will pop up and'll hit it and be like, I wish I didn't see it. I'll look at it later. And then I just forget. And I'm like, do you see that I saw but I didn't see it. See it. See it. I saw it. I saw it. Ignore it. Saw it. Yeah. And that's not personal to you. It's just overwhelming to me right now in this moment. I'm the worst text. I got a new phone. My old phone had 800 unread text messages on it. And I was like, there's just no way I'm gonna because I would do the same thing. I have such bad ADHD and I would look at a text and be like, Oh, I need to figure this out before I text. I actually figure it out. And then I do fucking a hundred other things. And a week later I'm like, well, now it's too late to text back.

And then I feel like a piece of shit. And it turns into this whole spiral. Yeah. And I do that. And then, you know, like an hour, two hours later, I get a text from Jeff Leach that says, look, mate, if you don't want me to do the podcast, I'll stop bothering you. Just fucking tell me. And I'm like, it's not personal. Wow. Right.

I'm broken. Sorry. Wow. He sounds gay. Well, well, well, Jesus, bro. He needs a hug if you need one. I got you bro. Also, can I just say that's not that weird to write on a napkin. Hey, I'm the guy that was the joke guy.

No, it's cute. It's so cute. Yeah. It's so cute. There's nothing romantic about technology. To write on a napkin. Hey, I'm the guy that was Cute yeah, so cute. There's nothing romantic about technology It's so cute to have a little piece of paper and I'm gonna like came together She Candle like it's a lesbian lesbian period piece by the sea a scroll kind of fuck me with a scroll, dude. The message in a bottle. Don't text me. I have, it's scroll pussy.

Yeah, it's that high Q. That high Q for that high poo, you know? High poo nanny. Yeah, she wanted that calligraphy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's the how, when want to bust it open? Write it with a pen with a feather and then tickle my nipples with it, you little freak.

That's what my mom used to like. Except now I feel like, I feel like. My parents were notaries. You gotta fuckin'. I carry wax in a stamp with me in my pocket. Doing wax play and then you stamp it on their back. Oh, that's hot. That's so funny. That's hot.

I love that. That's how you know that it's sealed up till the next time you get to it. It's a chastity belt on your pussy. Don't you feel like younger people, they freak out if you call them. Yeah, they don't talk on the phone. They don't talk on the phone.

I'm a phone guy. Me too. I'm Gen Z and I love a phone call. You are a phone guy, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You text me all the time, you know it's not personal, and then I call you and go, hey, I didn't get ba-ba-ba-ba. But you know what, I feel you,

it's the ADHD shit, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm a poor texture, I'd rather just call cause then I'll actually fucking be present and talk got it. You have to overexp. You have to like, I forget what they call it. You dump all your thoughts. Yeah. And it's like I get half a text like I cannot type on. And also when I'm on the phone, I'm more synced in, but I can also fiddle while I talk.

Yes. And and when I'm texting, it just I it's I have to talk on the phone. It's how I communicate best. Right. And all in all my my everything's in the tone. Because without the tone, I feel like I have to explain. Yes. Yeah. I want to kiss you. I mean, I agree. Do you always kiss people you agree? I think I think I think there's more than most of his sexual trauma. You got like molested while Jeopardy was on. Oh my God. I used to watch Jeopardy with my grandparents every night. Oh no. Grammy.

I'm sorry. I was a baby Jesus. I didn't mean to make him cry. You're like, you have to say your safe word in the form of a question. Getting molested during Jeopardy. Who am I? I'll take generational drama for six hundred thousand. Please stop. What is please stop?

Shit, generational shit. Please stop. What is please stop? Please stop. Please stop. Please stop. Please stop. Please stop. Please stop.

Yeah, I have to, the phone call, I don't know what it is, man. And also, I don't know. Thank you. I feel, I hate saying this, but I feel validated hearing that because I've been made so many times to feel like the phone is like a bother.

Like, I hate the phone or this or that. I'm like, dude, it just I don't know. It like puts me at ease because when I text, I know I can text a lot or I know that like I can put my stink on what you say. Absolutely. And you may be like totally nonchalant about something, but my dumb mind, I'm like, but you do you mean? Oh, but and then I mind, I'm like, but you, but do you mean a but?

And then I'm in a text like, what about? Ah. I love leaving like voice memos in text too, but people get weird about that sometimes, but I think those rock. Yo, those are great. Yeah. And then you can't just kind of like dump your thoughts

and like. That's how you know a girl likes you. If she leaves you voice memos? I picked up on that. If she leaves a voice memo? Well, it's also a way to like, it's your voice. Yeah. Hey, mister.

Like on an Instagram DM, when they move from text to voice memo, it's like, oh, oh, oh. See, I feel like I'm not 100% certain that she likes me until I'm in her mouth. In her mouth. Well, that took a leap. Well, I'm not certain.

But even you could be in her mouth and she could just be doing a job. She just hate you. Yeah. Yeah. Just be hate fucking you, dude. I've been getting so into a. Sexual, nonsexual. I've been really getting into just over the pants, humping and jerking each other off no sex.

That's been my jam lately. Like scissoring, but for, well, straight guys. Yeah, I guess that is what it is. But wait, but. Okay. Ian discovered scissoring. Yeah! Wait, I thought scissoring was a myth.

It's not, it's just hard to do. Like it's hard, it's better when the girls really, two girls are really skinny. When you scissor, do you legitimately? Yes. Yeah. Like that? You can, yeah. Or you just get on top and like.

Dry hump. Spread the lips open and yeah. Get on down there. Oh you spread them open? Yeah, cause then you can get in, get in there easier. But. Uh huh. Yeah. It's hard to do that. We don't do it often. It's hard to do. A lot of work seems like an event. Right.

So yeah, it's a lot. So why do why do it at all? Yeah. Just, you know, special occasions, you know, a little digging in there, get a little friction going, you know. Yeah. Yeah, but isn't the friction is is the amount of friction worth the amount of work that goes into this event? Oh, yeah. Yeah, but isn't the friction is is the amount of friction worth the amount of work that goes into this event? Oh, yeah. And then your pelvis.

It seems like you're about to put someone in the Texas cloverleaf. Yeah. It's like a wrestling move. Yeah. I just imagine like your strap on those still in the dishwasher. Like they have like you have a clean. This fucking looney tune wears a strap on regular. Not all the time. Whoa. But I'm not I'm not trans or anything. It's just easy access, you know.

Whoa. Like just in case. Right. She's got adjusted case hard on right now. And we got to fucking work up to it. Yeah, but don't don't have like a carry in case. Well, can you wear the strap separately and then? Well, because I thought excuse me the strap and then hold the dildo separately and then lock it on? That's what I thought.

Excuse me one second and then, you know. Oh, like I said, I got to attach my penis. Yeah, like it's different attachments for different things. Exactly. Yeah, like a Swiss Army knife. I picture like the gun in that, the guy has him from Dusk Till Dawn.

He like has it like pop up and ready to go. You're like, oh. You're fucking a girl and then into your holster. I got a Swiss Army dick. You mean to cut a steak? Isn't that cool though? She wears baggy pants and just has it and tucks it. And then when she's with a gal, she's like,

I don't want anything of that. Yeah, I got to be honest, if I was like with a girl and you fell over her pants like that like that rocks see that's kind of cool You're like, oh she's prepared, you know Yeah, I've never been that situation, but that would be sick. I think it was thinking about me So can I ask a presentation question cuz I feel like Look like that if she didn't want to crush you. 100 footer. 100 footer. I thought she's wearing the sweater.

She's teaching me. I don't know how lesbians feel about this, but like, so say, like, you know how you get a new cell phone? How you, when you peel off that film? Yeah. Like, do you, like, I feel like I would do that. So like, so the next girl knows, like, this is, this is, this ain't been in another one, you know? Like, this is't been in another one. You know?

Like, this is a fresh out of the package. She can peel the fresh new film off the dildo so she knows it was just for her. You know what I mean? Did dildos have film? No. No, but I'm saying you could put something on it. Right. Surprise.

Yeah. Like, you know when you get a new phone or any electronics and you peel that shit off, it's like something on it. It's like unwrapping a gift, you know, just get a new phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that feels nice. Or any electronics and you peel that shit off, it's like something on it. It's like you unwrapping a gift, you know, just for you. Right. Oh, oh, oh, oh, so it's like a brand new dildo just for you. Right, right, right.

Well you have to do that some of the time. Or it was freshly cleaned for you. That's been sealed up since the last time. Or maybe you could just show the girl a picture of her boiling it prior to going out. Right. Check this out, I cleaned it. I just use condoms, I wash it and then I just put a condom on it.

You put a condom on the dildo? Yeah, because it's lube. Oh, I've done that. There's lube on the condom and maybe I didn't clean it good. I shoved a dildo up my ass when I was younger, but I put a condom on it which made it not happen. So that's who's buying all the condoms. I just use them NYC free ones.

Oh, yeah, because you don't care if they pop now We mean my see for so that whether there's buckets of condoms. Yes. Yeah Which is funny cuz they have they do have places to dump heroin needles, but they don't have any way to get they have harm reduction That's why New York's we're about fucking you know They'd utilize well, it's weird where they utilize the new technology and where they don't. Like what? Like, it's just randomly in use.

Like I think New York was the first city to really completely embrace like tap to pay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, or like. Maybe, yeah. Well, cause we have such a huge mass transit system too. Like everything gets tried here. But then you walk past some buildings

and it's like some apartment buildings have like a eye scanner or whatever. If you get into it. Oh yeah. Infrared. Some of them are like your building, like you had to buzz and wing. So it's weird. You'll see them rolling out new stuff too.

Like you see like the robot cops. Oh, they're horrible. Oh, they had to get rid of that. They scared me so fucking much. Did it work? They got rid of them? They got rid of the robot cops. Oh, they're horrible. They had to get rid of that. They didn't work so fucking much. They got rid of them. They got rid of the robot cop. Yeah, because it was indiscriminately like sending too many pictures of black people committing crimes.

So they were like, it's racist. Get rid of the robot. It really was. Oh, wow. Yeah, it picked up too many people committing subway crimes. And it just so happened that the majority of them were black and they were like, this is a racist robot. Racist. Use it as a decoration.

And so now you can go visit the robot cop in the Union Square police station. It's like, look at the relic of two weeks ago. So it was sending pictures that were mostly black people? Committing crimes. But is it that it was watching the black people more? No, it's that it was witnessing crimes, and the crimes are being committed by black people,

and it reported it, and then that result was found to be racist. They were like, OK, don't do this. But there is a big problem with a lot of AI technology that it is racist, because it's coded by white people. There you go. A perfect example is hand-centered technology on sinks that were coded by white people. And a perfect example is like hand-centered technology on like sinks. They were like coded by white people and they were like, oh, we didn't even think

to have it pick up any skin color other than white. It's like these blind spots that the coders have. Every black person in the tech industry is so white. Experienced that frustration on a daily basis when they try to wash your hands. And you're like, am I black because this thing never picks my hands up? You have to turn your hand over so you can see the light. I do. Oh, yeah.

I look like a fucking. That's been going on forever too. Like Kodak film had the same thing. It was like darker skin tones weren't exposed properly because they just didn't fucking. It's like makeup artists too. Even when your cell phone picks out the faces. Yep, exactly.

The eyes look like that. Just now, I mean, the Google Pixel, they had to put it in a commercial that, look, pick out black people now. Yep, exactly. I just now I mean the Google Pixel, they had to put it in a commercial that look, pick out black people. Really? Wow. Did it show black people or was it like added? We now pick up black people. No, it was showing black people. It was like, you know, we added this to pick up additional

features and looks and all this. But it's like, yeah, it's like they just came out with different flesh tone band aids, too. Oh, really? Yeah. Like like a different shades of band-aids. I know somebody who has a solid bit that he's gonna have to get rid of then. Uh oh, Whisper in My Ear.

About, I feel like you keep. Whisper in My Ear. He wants you to kiss him so bad. He wants you to blow. He wants you to kiss him so bad. I didn't sleep a lot. I get kind of gay. He's pushing like an old queen. You ever meet like an old gay guy

that survived the AIDS era? They're very aggressive. Hello. Right. There's only two genders. And nothing can kill me. That's right. Put it on so much sense.

What do I have to lose? I don't have to embrace it. It feels so good to be gay. No one hated you anyway. It was in your head. It feels so good to be gay and not have anyone hate me before. I know. No one hated you anyway. It was in your head, bro. He's like bisexual and bipolar. That's wild. And guess what, bitch? I also ride a bicycle.

Oh my God, you just unlocked the key to his spirit. Right. His final form, it's all clicking together. Cause I love how he like, he turned the gay up a notch to be sassy and then went back down. And it fit so God damn well. Right. And then just left. Yeah.

I also ride a bicycle. He did everything but snap. I can snap. Yeah, snap is snap. Dude, oh, I just realized, my cat responds best when I give him snaps. Really? Yeah, I've gay trained my cat.

Do you snap with that finger? Whoa, what? That's weird. Oh, wow. I can snap. I can only do middle finger. Yeah, me too. See, my cat responds to the...

Yeah, that's what I'm like. Yeah. Mine's whistles my cat responds to the tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk t They're great. No, they really are. They are. They use a litter box and they run around the room like a cat and they run up and they'll like kiss your nose and stuff. But they're prey animals. So they're affectionate, but you got to be really quiet and soft and let them warm up to you. But they are affectionate. They bite you? No, one of them bit me one time. No, yes. But like it'll be like on accident like I'm feeding them treats or something.

But no, they're like they run up to me when I come home. They're like little dogs really They're so fucking cute. I mean some of them have different personalities, but the ones I got are they're really sweet But you can let them roam they don't shit on them. They should in the litter box I mean, I got a like vacuum every day like they just get hey places like they're they're messy Well, you got a running around your place. I got a huge bale of hay that I got a restock every day. Yeah No big deal, I mean they're great we just know unfuckable huge bale of hay that I gotta restock every day. Yeah. Ah! Ah! Ah! No big deal, I mean they're great, we just got...

They are so unfuckable. Ah! People come into my place, they got cat litter and fucking a bunch of my bullshit around. Guys are wiping hay off the pots and their feet trying to have sex. I know, I'm saying they're not messy, they're messy. They don't just like shit and piss everywhere,

but it ain't great. Like if you step in your house, you're like, there's rabbits in this house. Yeah. Yeah, see. They're messy. They don't just like shit and piss everywhere, but it ain't great. There's rabbits in this house. Yeah. Yeah. See, I brutal. I've like done a road get gone to the hotel, open up my suitcase. And there's hay in it. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, across the fucking country, you really start going to your grandparents, me, mom, pim pam. Yeah. I feel like cats and dogs. I'm a regular pet kind of guy. Wait, I think I just accidentally stole Luke Mona's joke. Who's that?

It's a really funny comic. He has a joke where he makes fun of Southern parents. They're called like me more like Slim Jim or something. And I said, Pimpam, which is kind of similar. Is that similar? Pop up. I just wanted to. Shout out Luke Monez.

Yes, but I heard his joke, we were in Vegas and I think that just slipped in. It's universal. I guess, I don't think. Meemaw and Pimpam. I should've just said P Paul. Yeah, P Paul. Whatever.

I've heard of P Paul. Did I tell you guys I didn't sleep? You did, yeah, yeah. And the coffee is not making, so you know coffee doesn't actually make you. Don't ruin coffee for me, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the coffee is not making, so you know coffee doesn't actually make you, oh. Don't ruin coffee for me. Okay, I'm not. Okay, come on, ruin it for me.

It doesn't. Spill the tea. It doesn't make you awake. Spill the coffee. It just, it just. Spill the coffee. Thank you so much. Spill the beans. It just makes you not,

yeah, like whatever the shit is that makes you feel sleepy, I forget what the name of it, andasinine or something like that. Oh, it just inhibits that, right? So you just don't feel tired? It binds to the name of the endocene or something like that. Oh, it just inhibits that rights used on feel tired. It binds to the receptors that that would normally bounce because that's what makes you feel tired. It builds up over the day.

What the fuck is it called? And that and destiny and to some mean was crazy. Austin, Austin's like because of Joe Rogan. Everyone knows brain chemicals, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just like, I like coffee. Get your alpha brain here. Maybe it's the endocene, I think. And're just like, I like coffee. Get your alpha brain here. It is. Maybe it's andesine, I think. Andesine.

But the point is, it makes you... That sounds like how a black improviser ends improv. Andesine. Andesine. Andesine. Try taking a coffee nap. That's the best way. Bro, I've tried that.

It's rock. And it truly does work. Because of that. Because, because napping clears the endocene and then the caffeine binds to those receptors so that it doesn't feel back. So you're saying drinking coffee. Oh, you gotta put the mic up to your. Sorry.

Like you pound coffee right before you take a nap. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. So hold on. I'm doing this wrong by not sleeping and drinking coffee to stay up. That's what you're saying. Right. Like before you take, like what you should do is save that coffee and before you about Okay, so hold on. I'm doing this wrong by not sleeping and drinking coffee to stay up. That's what you're saying. Right, like before you take,

like what you should do is save that coffee and before you about to take your nap, fucking take it all to the face and then pass it. And then sleep for how long? Well, you'll have to piss from all the coffee you drink. So you'll sleep for like an hour or whatever and eventually you'll get up and you'll feel amazing. I'm gonna do that tonight.

But you'll still crash later. But I only slept for an hour and a half, no, eight, eight, eight-thirty, nine-thirty, ten, I slept for two hours. But this is an iced coffee with espresso. That's good to keep me up, right? I mean, you'll, you won't. Brian, help me.

You get diminishing returns. If you didn't sleep, coffee isn't the best thing for you. So then what is? It's great when you have a full night's sleep and then coffee. When you get some sleep and then have coffee, that's great. Or if you pound the coffee before you get some sleep, that's great. But not sleep, coffee doesn't... So what's this doing to me?

That's just keep... Making me annoying. No, what this is doing is like, you know how, you ever try to have to use your phone while it's plugged in? Yeah. That's what it's doing. Yeah, keeping you how you ever try to have to use your phone while it's plugged in? Yeah. That's what it's doing. Yeah, keeping you recharged.

It's keeping you from turning off, but it's not fully charging you back up. So how do I charge myself right now? I mean, meth. Little Coke. Yeah, little Coke. Adderall, I got some in the car. Little Coke in here.

Of course you do. Of course you do. What was it called? Amazine? Amazine, yeah. Damn. The amount of things I do that I do not know anything about alarm me. You know, like the shit I put in my body,

the things I do, I'm just like, doop-a-doop-boop, doop-doop-doop, doop-doop-boop. Explain what you just injected into your body. I'm dumb. I've I've I've overthought my way out of so many good times. Are you sober? No. Edible. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. I don't know if you were like because you were like drugs freak you out because I have a little bit of that where I like can picture something bad happening. You sober? No. You just ate an edible. Oh yeah, sorry, I got it. What do you drink? I didn't know if you were like, cause you were like, drugs freak you out. Cause I have a little bit of that where I like can picture something bad happening. And I just like. I don't do anything regularly.

Right. I drink coffee regularly. Right. That's smart moderation. I just do it here, except food. I eat too much. But I don't drink every night. I don't smoke every day.

What do you measure? Do you smoke cigarettes every day? Yes. Hell yeah. Same. Do you know what you're putting in your body when you eat? Like are you regimented about like- Well, for 30 years I never gave a fuck.

And now I'm panazent. How old are you? I'm 41. Yeah. Oh, at my age. I didn't think you were 41. Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm moisturized. Well, black don't crack, we all know that.

Yeah, yeah. But now, you know, you get to 40, your doctor starts being like, hey, you have to start. Yep. Oh, yeah. A buddy of mine, I was with him a couple days ago and he just found out that he is very much pre-diabetic.

Oh, that's scary. Whoa. That's scary. He's gotta reverse that. And whenever I see a doctor and they go, you know, you need to quit smoking. I go, yeah, you know, it's time for me to find a new doctor. Well, every doctor is going to tell you. Every doctor is going to say that. No, no. I found one that said switch to American spirits. Oh.

He was being paid by Philip Morris. And I found another that said quit by 30. Well, we blew past that. I'm almost a decade past that. I haven't been to a doctor in a couple of years. You know what? One time I had an Uber driver that was also a doctor. No, she was a nurse in India. She was a nurse in like a specific like respiratory ward or whatever.

And when she picked me up, I was smoking. Yeah. And I know we got to up, I was smoking. Yeah. And I, you know, we got to talking, I was like, yeah, so what are you doing? What are you doing? I was like, she showed me out, works, respiratory ward, and I was like, okay, so you're about to lecture me about smoking.

And she was like, no. She was like, honestly, the people that have the most problems are the people that live a sedentary lifestyle. Interesting. Yeah, it's like, if you smoking and you sitting around doing nothing all the time, that's what's going to kill you. Right.

Which is not you because you ride your bicycle and you're very active. Doing nothing is going to kill you way more than smoking. But then what about those grandparents that just sat, chain smoked and drank whiskey? That's what my grandfather did. Both of them. Yeah. And then they lived for like ever. What's their excuse?

Because I feel like that's the thing people think like, well, you know. Those people are a myth that is like perpetrated by the tobacco company. Like everyone's heard the story of the guy that smoked six packs a day and lived through 80. I'll be that guy. Nobody knows that motherfucker. My grandfather. You know me. Yeah, how long does your grandfather live?

He was like 78. He smoked at Merritt's. But here's the other thing too. There's blue ones, the blue ones are white. Near the Capodonnas. Yep. But here's the other thing. Bubseek. It's not about how long you live,

it's about how well you live. Yeah. I don't wanna live to 78. Can I be honest? Ever since you said Anderson or Kodromodin or whatever, I have been intently listening to everything One word in there and I've been like tell me more dr. Brian

Somebody that talks a lot and say they don't know they talk about ah a mass You know the expert or nothing? Oh Wait it's a it's wait it's it's jack of all master of none jack of all trades master of none yes Is that what you were? Well the rest of that same. Master. Oh, yeah. See, you do know. You know it. What is it?

I don't remember the rhyme on top of my head, but if you say the whole saying, it means the opposite of what people do. Jack of all trades, master of none. Let's smoke some cigarettes and have some fun. It's like, Jack of all trades, master of none. It rhymes, but it means he's looking it up now. Is it? Jack of all... Wait, can we figure this out?

Hold on. Jack of all trades... Jack of all trades, master of none, though oftentimes better than master of one. There you go. Oh, wow. It changes the meaning of it, doesn't it? So that means your jack of all trades means you know how to do everything. You're a master of none. You don't know how to do anything perfectly masterfully.

Then what's the second part? But you know what? I'm better at all that stuff than someone who's the best at one of them. It's like, I'm pretty good at a bunch of things, but I'm not a master of any of them. But sometimes that's better than being a master of just one thing. Then I like that. I like that about myself. The jewel of drag of all trades?

Master of none. Though some do those things, I'm better than one. How'd it go? I know. Those some do those things, I'm better than one. I think I'll take just being a master at just one thing. If I could just master one thing. What would you master? I think I would be, I would wish I was more organized.

I just. We all did. We're all like, yep, same. What do you mean? Yeah. Like I just, I envy those people. Like bro, if I had a personal assistant, I would be president.

Yeah, but dude, if I had a personal assistant, I would delegate things to them and then I would be like, no, no, no, let me just, just let me do it. Just hang out with me so I'm not alone. No, I feel like you're talking to me like an unorganized control freak. Yeah, yeah. But I'm 100% the same way.

Yeah. Like you're like, put that over there. Yeah, it's not that I don't know where I want everything to go. I just can't do it. I would, I've thought of this. Okay, there's it. Look, we got problems with homelessness and we got job issues.

Why don't I pay a homeless guy to beat the shit out of me if I don't do certain things, right? I should hire a guy to come in and beat the fuck out of me to get me out of bed and then to be like, you gotta do this, this and that. I'll be like, but I wanna jack off. And he'll be like, shut the fuck up. And I'll be like, okay, fine.

You know what really kills me then too, like when I meet homeless people that be asking for cash Mm-hmm. Yeah, hey man, the world is moved on if you don't put a QR code on that Jacket with a QR code What they want man, I know you got a no bomb before you can get one of those square stripes. Yep. Just put it on the top. Yeah. Let me tap. I'll tap you a dollar. Yeah. But then wouldn't that piss you off, though, if a homeless guy was like,

hey, can I get money? I take tap them. Oh, cash. Yeah. I have a card reader. It's like you're that motivated, but you can't get a job. No, because that that would make me more relieved. But I'm like. Because they act like they don't believe you. I told the last person I asked me for money, I was like, I don't carry cash, man.

Like no one does. And he was like, well, is it ATM right over there? I was like, oh, I'm going to go to all the ball. Wow. Now that's a service fee. Yeah. Also a minimum 20. Yeah. No, bro. What's the matter? You know what these motherfuckers have been doing in the village? They've been jumping not even a dollar five. Can I get twenty dollars?

Yeah, they go like, oh, they have mastered inflation. They go high. They have figured it out. That's crazy. Yeah. What do you do? Keep walking. Don't say, I mean, keep walking. I'll give you a Bitcoin, but I'll give you some ETH. No, I'm lying. Glass. Yeah, just keep walking. I'll give you a Bitcoin, motherfucker. I'll give you some ETH. No, I'm lying glass. I have to keep moving.

That's one thing I want to master and I've been trying. I do. I joined Babel, babel.com slash promo code SKA to learn Spanish. Oh, wow. But I took Spanish in grade school, high school, college, and I didn't master it. I didn't learn enough to like travel. I just learned enough to get through my trial period of an app you have to pay for to know just enough to where the trial period I'm getting was useless. Like I, you know what I mean? Like the trial period

I have is like intro to Spanish, blah, blah, blah. And I know all that. So once I see it, I'm like, Oh yeah, I know this. I get through it. And then the part that I actually need, it's like, well, now you got to pay. And I'm like, fuck. No, dude, I paid for Duolingo French. Does it work? Yeah, I like it. But I mean, I'm just kind of, oh, sorry. Babel. Does it work? Oh no. I want you to say we. But I always, I'm just kind of sorry babble. Does it work? Oh, no, I would say we

But I was there watching because I watched all those fucking like vogue diary of a model videos and they're all speaking french And I was like if I do this, I'll it makes me feel pretty Oh my god, I watched des I watched uh Desperado with antonio bendaris. Yes, and salma hayek. Yeah, and I just just want to learn Spanish so I can get a Salma Hayek. Dual lingo is also, it's bad for people with ADHD because they make you feel like shit when you miss a day. Yeah, dual lingo sucks. You gotta use babble. They make you feel good.

Dual lingo is like, I'm gonna spend three days. Yeah, and they guilt you with that little owl with his like fuck me eyes. Yeah. You didn't make it. Oh, come. It literally is that he'll like have like, he's like, do those balls are swollen.

Don't you want to feel nice? What's he doing? And so do. Blue balls are a real thing. They're real. You're hurting me, my little c- Need a little mascot. The worst mistake Microsoft made was getting rid of the paperclip. Oh, that little guy on the side.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we need to bring, we need, everything needs a little mascot to guilt you enough. Yeah. That's why I want to hire a homeless guy. He'll be my little mascot. You get me?

I'm going to put a little googly eyes on my dick. Next time I'll be like, hey, you been ignoring the little fella. Wait, is that to get me to do my dance? All right. You gotta put googly eyes on the balls, and then like glasses on the chap. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a long Jewish nose. Hey. You forgot to. No, googly eyes on the balls, and then if you're soft, it Like he's got nuts. Hey! You forgot to. No, googly eyes on the balls and then if you're soft, it's like a Muppet nose. That would be fun. I like that. Like put a beard over your asshole and it's like,

don't go down that way now. What a wise wizard. Gandalf. A bad path awaits you. Dumbledore telling you not to go in that way. The land is sour. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, plugs out. Sherry, what would you like people to put their eyes on? Uh, Pimp Daddy podcast. Yes. It's new, but we're out here having fun.

So that's what it's about. Yeah. And they can find it where? Uh, all over all streaming platforms, Spotify, YouTube, all that shit. Awesome. Awesome. Maddie?

Uh, I'm on Instagram at Maddie T. Weiner. I got a podcast called Phone is in the Bag. And we have a YouTube channel. Please subscribe there so I can release a special someday. Yes. Well, what was your Instagram? Maddie T. Weiner. I got a podcast called Phone Is in the Bag, and we have a YouTube channel. Please subscribe there so I can release a special someday. Hell yes. What was your Instagram? Maddie T. Weiner. Maddie T. Weiner.

T. Weiner. My middle name's Tandy. Ooh. Maddie T. Weiner. What? Yeah, my last name's Weiner. Wait. That's not just like me being like.

Your middle name's Tandy? Yeah. That's awesome. That's Will Forte's name in Last Man on Earth. Really? Yeah. One of the best shows of all time, by the way. Have you guys?

Haven't seen it. I haven't seen it, no. I keep hearing about it. Really, really funny. Will Forte is one of my favorites. He's hilarious, yeah. Speaking of favorites and funny things, Brian, you've got a special.

I've got a special, Netflix special, Live from the Mothership. It's out now. Also, my podcast, BS with Brian mothership. It's out now. Also my podcast BS with Brian Simpson. That is also back now. And those are things. Yes, those are things. And I can't believe your middle name's Tandy.

That's amazing. That's awesome. Tandy Weiner, it's kind of crazy. Tandy Weiner! That's fucking hot. That is hot as hell. Mellon Tandy Weiner. Hell yeah. Ah!er. Hell yeah.

Ah! Ah! Hell yeah. Woo! Say three times and the owl will come. Ah! Ah! I, ianimal69 on Instagram, ianfidance.com for all my dates.

Coming to Austin, Creek in the Cave. Ah, la, la, la, la, da, da, da, April 5th and 6th. And my special Ian Fidance, happy and free is coming out on youtube.com slash B and E and pod subscribe, check it out. I'm so excited. I can't wait for you guys to see it. And, um, we're back every Wednesday with episodes, patreon.com slash B and E and pod and check Jordan out on the road, punchuplive.com slash Jordan Jensen. And we will see you next time. We love you, bye.

Everybody pick up an instrument and play it. Bye guys. Hold on, yes. Not an instrument. Here. I can't believe there's so many just around. Okay, here's Sherry. Give me the blow.

Hold on, yes. Everybody say goodbye on three. One, two, three. Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.