Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 092: Silly Town W/ Khalyla Kuhn

Starting point is 00:00:00 Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan

Starting point is 00:00:39 Meow! Okay! Welcome back! Oh, welcome back to another episode of being in with Jordan. I am so excited to be here. Jordan, we're not talking about these. What? I mean, you can't we can we just a little bit. OK, well, tell us about the hats and tell us about yourself. We have the wonderful, the fantastic, the beautiful, the round faced Asian Kaila Q.

Starting point is 00:01:17 Thank you for acknowledging my white Asian. Yes, AIP. It's the same reason why the hats I've created. Yes, you not look good on me. I bet they do. And I bet you're just saying that. I bet you you're wrong. Can you put it on?

Starting point is 00:01:30 Yeah. Okay. Let's see. I guarantee it looks good. And please be honest. Don't be nice. I'm only honest. I'll be honest.

Starting point is 00:01:38 He won't. I'll be honest. Dude, that looks great. What could pop? What? Yeah. How is that possible now? Yeah, it does look kind of conical. No, it looks like the brim is too

Starting point is 00:01:56 Small and you need a little because your face is wide. Yeah the juxtaposition It does you do look like Raiden from Mortal Kombat You're freaking me out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone else looks great in the next time. I mean, come on. This doesn't look great. No. I mean, just.

Starting point is 00:02:13 I look like the little Morton salt girl. Can you? There you go. That was better. You're beautiful. Yeah, thank you. Do I gotta go? You can't and you can even button this off.

Starting point is 00:02:26 I saw that. I saw, I can even go cowboy? It's a fisherman's hat. I like it. Thank you. It's a bucket hat world and I had a bucket hat and I lost it. You look good like that.

Starting point is 00:02:37 That looks great. That looks like a little cowboy hat. If you were a road worker. If the horse I was driving was a small catfish. I'd like to ride a catfish. Yeah. Oh, I'm going fishing soon. When?

Starting point is 00:02:53 Bring the hat. You're right. Justin and I are trying to plan a fishing trip. Where do you fish? Justin, not Justice. No. Okay. Justin, my best friend.

Starting point is 00:03:03 That's right. Well, Justice might come someday. Oh, Justin, my best friend. Well, Justice might come someday. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm sorry. Where do you fish? Oh, oops, fly's down. Fish right there.

Starting point is 00:03:15 Fly fishing. Oh, fly fishing. No. We have fun. What? He's a tadpole. It's Tramp. No, Tramp, no, he's a big tuna. He is a shrimp.

Starting point is 00:03:25 We, well we might go fishing in his place outside of Pittsburgh on Lake Erie. Just because she's sitting like that does mean you have to sit. Just whenever it's girl's town you go straight to girl's town. When it is girl's time in the basement. Look at his little legs. What are you doing? Can you do the full Asian squat? Oh, it's the Korean cigarette smoke?

Starting point is 00:03:52 Yeah, the ass to grass. It's this. It's, it's, it's, everyone thinks they can do it, but it's whether or not you can actually sustain the squat for long periods of time. It's like this. But is it comfortable? Cause if your Achilles feels like it's about to snap, then you can't do it. I actually might need you to do this, because they hurt me. the squat for long periods of time. It's like this. Is it comfortable? Because if your Achilles feels like it's about to snap,

Starting point is 00:04:07 then you can't do it. I actually might need to use it because it hurt me. And you can, and it's ass, your ass kind of. This is great. Touches the ground. I'm too fat. Yeah, Jordan. I think you both can do it.

Starting point is 00:04:19 No, I'm leaning back on the chair. You are? Pretty hard. Oh yeah, I was leaning. If this is not a resting position, hold on. I'm it's unlikely that your body is made for it. It looks, it feels like I'm about to leap. That feels like a good position. Wait, you sit back on your heels? No. Oh, on your heels. Yeah. It's your ass has to touch the floor. Okay. yeah, there it is. And are you struggling?

Starting point is 00:04:46 I've been going to the gym. Brooklyn Training Hall. My squats. Can we turn the camera to see Gargoyle? Oh my god. We look up and Ethan has just perched like a perfect gargoyle. He's just become a full Korean man. No, I squatted 225 the other day.

Starting point is 00:05:06 Oh wow. But you look like you're a sleeper build. I am. Right, you're like a Esther Povitsky. Like you don't look like you could squat a lot. Oh. But you probably can out squat anybody. I got some muscles.

Starting point is 00:05:23 Do you do pushups? How many pullups? Dude, the other day we were doing AMRAPs as many rounds as possible at the tail end of Ian just starts rapping. He's like, I'm a man. No, no, no. I can squat. She's a thot. She is hot. I sleep on a cot. That's not how rap works. And it doesn't even matter because I won't smoke pot. Great job. So, so, so, so, so, um, Amraps. So it was a, sorry. Maybe take that off if it's hurting you. Is it doing something weird to your peripheral vision, maybe? Is there something going on? Something's going on. Sometimes if we record two episodes in a row,

Starting point is 00:06:13 the oxygen leaves and it just becomes silly town. It's silly town. It's okay. So this is comfortable for me. Yeah. Yes. Be comfy. Oh, my God. Look how ashy. Are they hairy? Not too hairy. But whoa, that's spiky. It's spiky.

Starting point is 00:06:35 No, those are nice. Well, you missed a spot there. But this is when it gets so dry that it starts trying to escape itself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that looks like chicken flesh. Yeah. It's chicken skin. Chicken skin, that's hilarious. But you don't really need to shave because you have blonde leg hair.

Starting point is 00:06:52 No, I just got the manscape thing which I realize now we're sponsored by and I should have just gotten one sent to me, fuckers. Dude, speaking of manscapes, send me another one because it fucking broke. Yeah, send me one because I never got one or else you're, we'll keep telling stuff. We can share it.

Starting point is 00:07:09 I mean for you. Because I'm scraping off ecosystems too. I'm taking off hair, I'm taking off grime, I'm taking off yesterday's seaweed salad. Have you guys seen each other's olive breast, fettuccine and tails? I've seen his, he hasn't seen mine. Oh really? You haven't seen my penis? I have seen your penis. You have seen my penis. I've seen his butthole, penis, balls all separately. And what all my good friends have.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Throw a couple descriptors out there. Standard. Turn slightly to the left. Yankee standard is what I call it. And big ass balls. Big old boys got me kicked off Instagram. Hi or hello? Hello. Okay, interesting. And it's a good piece. Yeah, Yankee Standard is a good piece. That's what that means. That's all you need.

Starting point is 00:07:54 Yes. It's a dildo dick. Oh, whoa. Yeah. Dildo. Not a crazy one, but it's like, you know, when you get a dildo. Yeah. It's just a dildo baggins, you know, you have a dildo bag.

Starting point is 00:08:06 I'm told I have a boyfriend dick. You have a boyfriend. Husband dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Husband dick is something you can have repeatedly with out much thought. It's too big. You it becomes a chore. Yes. It's good for anal. It's great. Don't say that out loud. It's I'm not going to say it... It makes it sound small.

Starting point is 00:08:26 Inside. Blood holes are tiny. No, but you got to have a little girth to it to feel good. It's not like it fits right in, but it belongs. Not like that. Yeah, it goes in there. Do you say that in order to get... Dude, I've had anal like three times.

Starting point is 00:08:43 See, that's fucked up because you... I thought you were like an anal gal. Well, I like doing it, but I just don't get asked that much. Wait, you like doing it? Yeah, I think it's great. I like the commitment that it means to me the first time I did.

Starting point is 00:08:57 I didn't mean to hear what is the commitment? I didn't mean to say that, but that is what it is. I like that somebody does anal, they're betrothed to me for a didn't mean to say that, but that is what it is. I like that if somebody does anal, they're betrothed to me for a certain period of time. Well. Yeah, because it takes a while

Starting point is 00:09:10 to wash all this shit off their dick. Yeah, they're stuck in my bathroom for a while. Don't come out until your dick is clean. Suggestion. Yeah. I spent a couple summers in Spain and all of the boys there are anal freaks. Ew. I don't like an anal freak.

Starting point is 00:09:27 Yeah, you don't want a freakazoid that's all about that. That's demeaning to the Spaniard women, you know what I mean? You don't want that. You want a guy who once in your relationship is like anal and then maybe a little bit further in is like anal? Like once every two years. I guess you're right. I would rather do anal with someone who is hesitant

Starting point is 00:09:47 to do anal or hasn't done it as much. Well, you need someone that's done it a lot because they know how to do it. Because what happens is a lot of men ruin anal for women because they think it's like a pussy and you can just put it in. It's like bread. You gotta knead it, you gotta love it,

Starting point is 00:10:05 you gotta take your time and if you yank it out of the oven too fast, you're ruin the oven. You know? You wanna try? No. First time I had anal, I think I had a fever so the second time I took an ambient and it was a much better experience.

Starting point is 00:10:22 Wow. Yeah. Fever anal. It was like a fever anal dream, yeah. Wow. I could hardly remember. I only remembered bits and pieces and I think that's how anal should be. I don't think you should be like conscious

Starting point is 00:10:35 for the whole experience. The first time I had anal, I was staring at a picture of a young boy kind of dressed like a Duke with a basket of dogs. I remember specifically looking at him and being like. Are you a Renaissance painting? What the fuck are you talking about? The painting I was looking at was kind of dressed like a duke with a basket of dogs. I remember specifically looking at him and being like... Are you a Renaissance painting? What the fuck are you talking about? The painting I was looking at was kind of a Renaissance.

Starting point is 00:10:50 It was like a weird little duke boy with like some dogs. You kind of look like a duke boy right now. You look like the boy that puts his finger in the dyke. Yeah. Yeah. But I remember sharing at that little boy being in his face was like, I remember being like, don't judge me. Your little dogs. Wow. Yeah. But I was, I wanted to do it. I wanted it in there, but it's hard when you first get going. You gotta like,

Starting point is 00:11:16 Well, you gotta play. See what makes anal great in a relationship is you build up to it. You know, you have to say to them, I want it. Just do it. That's that. That's the comfort level. Yeah, I need to. I need I need if you drop a deuce on my dick, I'm going to wrap it up and I'm going to keep it in my dresser drawer. Yeah, that's the level of safe space I need as well. Yeah. I don't want somebody being like, did you already poop? Fuck you. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:43 I've had to cradle a past lover that got shit on my dick and be like, it's okay, la la la la. And it is okay. I don't think that's the move though to express shame. If that happens, just like sort of like own it. No, she was shameful. I know that's what I'm saying. She shouldn't do that.

Starting point is 00:12:01 She should just be like. She should say, well, that's where I keep my poop. Yeah, exactly. You went in there. You went in knocking on the door. You're involved in breaking the code. My mom would always say you got boogers in your nose. I'm like, that's where they live, dude. Where do you want?

Starting point is 00:12:13 I think of you a lot because I've been snot rocketing a ton. Bro, I'd be doing this. Yep. Like a lot in the shower. No, yes, because it's watery and I just gotta get it. And I know if I snot rocket what's gonna happen. It's gonna connect. It's gonna connect. Oh, it gets stuck in my mustache. Yeah, but if I go like this into the hand, whip it.

Starting point is 00:12:33 Do I wash my hand? Absolutely not. Yeah, but boogers I feel is just not, I mean, well I guess viruses. It is snot. Yeah. But water snot, that's different than snot. The water, that allergy shit that's just like a leakage. Oh yeah, no the water that that allergy shit. That's just like a leakage Oh, yeah, that's just like water. Yeah, that's just more human here. If you go to California, then you get the bloody ones And you can really like just

Starting point is 00:12:57 Are you an anal girl? I am NOT an anal girl. No, I'm so sorry to report I am not an anal girl. No, I'm so sorry to report. You leave? I'm not. I mean, I want to be an anal girl so badly. You're the change you want to be in the world. I don't think, I mean, I have tried with very considerate lovers and it's just not my thing.

Starting point is 00:13:19 It's too overwhelming? Just sensation wise, I don't feel like it's that pleasurable. Do you ever have a thing where you're like, I think I'm gonna cum, but I also think if I cum, I'll like die so then you don't cum that much. You ever have that? No. Okay.

Starting point is 00:13:34 I've been doing it. What does that feel like? Do you feel like just figure? Where you're like, I think if I cum, I'll like explode. Like it's too much buildup. So then what happens- Is it buildup in your chest? Where is it building up?

Starting point is 00:13:42 In my vagina. How you cum that hard? It's almost like near, you're like, I think I might squirt. And then you're like, instead it's just like a little orgasm. That's the worst when you think it's coming on real strong. And then it's really just a weak.

Starting point is 00:13:56 That happens to us, but with our loads. Dude, I got the lump checked out. What happened? You have a lump? She had a lump in her pussy. I do have a lump. Oh wait, let me check. Let me, let me guess.

Starting point is 00:14:04 Okay, check away. A Bartholin cyst. Nope, not a skeins or a Bartholin. Ooh, what about a skins? It was, wait, an ingrown. Nope. Oh, it was a Cullen skink. You're never gonna guess.

Starting point is 00:14:17 Wasn't a Cullen skink. No. You need to nail that one. No, it doesn't go. Where, give me directionally or geographically where it is. If you were a man and we were making out and you reached down my pants and went like this into my vagina, bam, you'd hit it.

Starting point is 00:14:29 Oh, right there in the entry. A little bit to the left. Okay, I'm, it's probably not a herpy because herpes really hurt. No, no, no, it's not a bump. It's a lump. It's a lump. It's like a marble. A marble. And it's not a Bartholin?

Starting point is 00:14:42 Nope. What is it? Please reveal. I went in, the vagina doctor said, this ain't partolin? Nope. What is it? Please reveal. I went in, the vagina doctor said, this ain't part of your vagina. This is part of your urethra. You have to go to a urologist. It's a, like if my pee goes out like this, it's a bump. Is it like a cyst inside?

Starting point is 00:14:55 No, no, no. It's like, if the pee trail is like this, this is the pee track. It's a pregnancy. Little pregnancy. Like a speed bump. No, it's a bubble. Oh. How did it's a bubble. Oh

Starting point is 00:15:11 How did it get that way just the way I was born I think has it always been there been there for a long time I think I just found it recently, but she was like if it's not bothering you, it's totally fine We should but you should go to it here I don't get no. But. I don't want to. Has anyone ever noticed? No, no, no, no. Only me in the bath. Okay, well.

Starting point is 00:15:30 And then sometimes, yeah, when I have sex, it hurts sometimes. Yeah. So, and sometimes I'm like, it doesn't hurt because of the cyst, but it's not really the cyst. It's not a cyst. It's a track.

Starting point is 00:15:41 It's a levy. It's a dugout basin. Like a moat. Like a, I don't know what you would call that if you're digging a river and it has a pregnant. Oh, do you know killjoy? No. You know what killjoy is? I know the term, but no. Right. But do you know the killjoy is a, like, it's almost like you, you whoop, and then you draw a head. And that's the guy's nose. But that's the first graffiti ever. Was it? That's the first graffiti ever.

Starting point is 00:16:10 Yeah, I think she's right. I thought it was from Vietnam. Yes, but maybe it started World War I, but it was a soldier kept drawing it on everything. And that became graffiti. That's not true. There were cave paintings and the Greeks had a huge amount of graffiti.

Starting point is 00:16:26 Hieroglyphics. Yeah. Petroglyphs. There was also graffiti literally. It'd be like, Heracles is gay. Like on the... Really? Dude, on the Coliseum, I walked through and they were like, this is like graffiti. And you could, you couldn't read it because it's in Latin, but it was like slurs about Gladiators.

Starting point is 00:16:39 Really? Yeah. Like, this guy sucks. Also, did you know Gladiators... So they had their own social media. Totally. And the internet was just as cool. That was the first Facebook wall.

Starting point is 00:16:47 The Gladiator Arena got really, it was really, like they were all Burt Kreischer's body shape, not super, super fit guys. They were all like kind of heavy so that if a tiger did take a bite, it was just chub. Well, the organs would be protected. Yeah. They have a primordial pouch.

Starting point is 00:17:04 And they didn't feed the animals. That's a fun spin on being They have a primordial pouch. And they didn't feed the animals. That's a fun spin on being fat. A primordial pouch really is something that all... You have a cat. Yeah. They have that, you know, no matter how small they are. I had that and I got it surgically cut off. The primordial pouch?

Starting point is 00:17:16 I was really fat and I had... Dude. Yeah, and she lied and said, Oh, I have a thing in my vagina that's getting fixed. Excuse me, I wasn't ready to tell people. Oh, that's fair. I told one person on A lot of Molly and he said, that's beautiful. And then I started talking about it, but I got a skin cut off,

Starting point is 00:17:31 but that's what it was. And I thought about it long and hard and I think I could have put my puppy in it. This excess skin? Born with it? No, I was fat, lost weight. Yeah. But would that excess skin have gone away? Nope. The doctor who was really mean pulled it out and said, this ain't going anywhere. He said, he said, you can't work off.

Starting point is 00:17:53 And it's true. I worked out like obsessively. I was anorexic at the time. There was nothing getting rid of it. And I just had this dorsal fin if I was on my hands and knees. Yeah. Did you miss it after? Never. Really? It's not a penis. No, but it's like, it's just a part of me. You know why I don you miss it after? Never. Really? It's not a penis.

Starting point is 00:18:06 No, but it's like it's just a part of me. You know why I don't miss it? Because I didn't get a tummy tuck. So he was he was like, please, for the love of God, let me pull it tight and give you a new belly button. And I was like, no, dude, I'm not trying to be doughy Jordan with Jen just flat ass like I'm not. And I might want to have a kid like that's crazy.

Starting point is 00:18:23 So I just had him take it off. So I still have like a little boochie Yeah, but it's just that skin is going so it doesn't look that different. Do you have a big zipper scar? Yeah You should get a killjoy tattoo on it Or barbed wire Yeah That's cool. That would be or it can be the signature sign on the dotted line. You get your signature over.

Starting point is 00:18:50 The bar bar is better. Thank you. You said, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Have you ever gotten plastic surgery? Never. Like a legit.

Starting point is 00:19:00 I mean, for the longest time, you know, I thought that I hated my nose because I have a pretty like prominent I thought that too about you have like a fake looking nose That's so fucked up. Your nose is perfect. Yeah, you know, it's perfect But the internet convinced me that it was a little bit too romantic according to them men have said I have a Romanos Oh, damn, dude. I've been going in on the comments That's so oh my god. Look at mine. Mine has that too No, but now I love it now. I'm like, yeah, it's a great nose. Yeah

Starting point is 00:19:35 Your face is normally like that. That's your real face. This is my real face You're that's your born face. Your face was my like that your mouth you were like that. I know weird, right? Don't wear the hat. I'm a little cross-eyed though. Are you? A little bit. Don't give us reasons why you're ugly. Don't do that. I don't think it's, it makes me ugly. In fact, I think it's a, there's a, we call it monoclon in my language and it's actually a cute thing. Yeah. I was just gonna say that's cute. I kind of like it when girls have a little bit of a lisp. Yeah, similar. Cross-eyed lips. Yeah, my best friend's dog is a little cross-eyed and it's the cutest dog I've ever seen. It's endearing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:13 I wonder what mine is. You have Grinch teeth. You do have big teeth. Show the bottoms. Let me see the bottoms. I don't want to. I wanna see them, please. What do you mean?

Starting point is 00:20:22 I showed my- You made me sit upstairs for- Oh wait, those aren't bad at all. What is the problem? want to see him. What do you mean? I showed my you made me sit upstairs for oh wait Those are bad at all. What is it? Let me see Show them without your hand. Oh They see how she sat back like that and she stuttered yeah Look at her looking I'm trying to You fix her cross-eyed You're in another place. You fix her cross-eyed.

Starting point is 00:20:42 It's like, brrrooo. I'm not one to talk. I have gaps. So. I'm getting invisible right now. You, well, you already have them. Do they put, do you have to put the little divi- I think I'm supposed to, but I haven't done it.

Starting point is 00:20:59 But you're supposed to put them on there to anchor them, right? Yeah, but I haven't really been here. Can I try one? Should I get that for my bottom teeth? No, that hurt too much. Doesn't hurt. I mean, it hurts a little bit. I'm bad. I kind of have them like that. I say keep them. Keep them. Character. If your upper teeth are fine, you could just do the bottoms for pretty cheap, but only do it if it's annoying.

Starting point is 00:21:25 Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pot. But you don't floss. You're probably like my dad. I floss? Let me see again. They don't show when you talk. Oh, I got nothing high! When you talk, they don't show up. I had braces twice on my bottom teeth.

Starting point is 00:21:41 And what happened? When I stopped wearing my retainer. Top teeth perfect. Oh yeah, but how old were you? Cause I got braces when I was 10. I was too young so my teeth. I got them in sixth grade, got them off at the end of freshman year high school and then got them on again when I was 20

Starting point is 00:21:56 and got them off at like 22. Oh, so you, I don't know what happened there, but wow, sorry. Yeah, shit happens. One dentist was like, we should remove one of your teeth and then the other teeth will move over. Yeah. I've also had periodontal work where I've had-

Starting point is 00:22:13 You removed that one tooth in there. I've had gum grafts. I had really fucked up teeth. My mom keeps a mold of my fucked up buck teeth at the house. Yeah, you looked fucked up. Like, my teeth were- In those videos you're like, and dude. Oh yeah, my teeth at the house. Yeah, you like my teeth were videos like, oh, yeah, my teeth were like this, like that

Starting point is 00:22:29 really fucked up overbite. No, just my yes. Out and apart. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Here. I'll show you record strippers legs. And I but not as tasty. I had. I got I fell in preschool and I had I knocked a tooth and it was black and then it was 19

Starting point is 00:22:52 years old. 19 years old. Is it dead? Wait, no one, I heard that you're not supposed to be getting root canals anymore. Why? Ever really. Because you're not really clearing out the infection that's there. Oh, sweet boy.

Starting point is 00:23:09 Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah, very cute. The rest of you is very cute. And you know what? Thank you. You've come a long way. You gave me character. Yeah, yeah. You know, let me see.

Starting point is 00:23:23 Jesus Christ. Fuck you! Oh my God. I would have punched you right in the fuck- You are punchable. I got in fights all the time! I was bullied and I got in fights? But you look like both the bully and the bully. Like I can't decide where you-

Starting point is 00:23:38 No, he looks like the bullied and then he grew into the bully. But I don't bully. I take up for the bullied. Shout out. Shout out. Shout out, just like I've been going in on fucking comments. About me. Oh really, so you go in there and you defend. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:23:55 Only on my page. Cause it's my page and my page is a place for niceness, laughter and positivity and if you make a comment about someone's body or... Do people make comments about my body? Comment of... What? I'm kidding.

Starting point is 00:24:10 Ethan, do they? A co... No. No, no, no. Someone made a comment about you'd be hotter if you didn't have armpit hair. I don't have armpit hair. And I said, who the eff are you?

Starting point is 00:24:23 And what kind of... Now I wish I had so much. I can't even grow arm. What kind of what kind of common is that about someone's body? And they go, oh, you can't. And they always backpedal. You can't take a joke. Yeah, I can take jokes. I fucking love jokes. Make fun and make a funny joke. Ha ha. But your thing is not a joke.

Starting point is 00:24:40 It's a mean thing. They just listen to us and they hear us being mean to each other. And they say that they go. But you you enjoy you say to joy, go, she's my mean thing. They just listen to us and they hear us being mean to each other. And they say that they go, but you you enjoy you say to Joy, I go, she's my best friend. I'm allowed to. It's in the context of this. You're a guy, I don't know. And if you want fucking pull up to a gig and see if you fucking want to talk into a fight so bad, that's all I want.

Starting point is 00:24:58 But do you guys want to do like jump people together? Is that something you as a team? I would if she swung on someone, I don't care what would happen. I'll swing with you. Keep swinging. I'll swing. You got to. God, I miss getting fucked.

Starting point is 00:25:09 Me too. I was a scrappy bitch in high school. Really? I had a lot of rage. Were you a hair puller? I was in everything. Like, I was very strategic. If I pulled hair, I knew to pull all the way.

Starting point is 00:25:21 Yeah. I, you know, I grew up in, I went to a high school that was considered the reject way. Yeah. Whoa. You know, I grew up in, I went to a high school that was considered the reject school. Yeah, same. So yeah, you, it's, if you, if you didn't stand up for yourself, you'd get thrown into a bush.

Starting point is 00:25:34 So, yeah. You learn to get scrappy. And that needs to happen. People, bullying has to happen. So you learn how to stand up for yourself. Yeah. Mine wasn't the reject schools and let's fight. It was the reject schools and these kids are too high and we just have to move shapes around

Starting point is 00:25:49 them so that they stay seated for long enough. It wasn't a fighting school. Oh, but don't you think you ever come across adults where you're like, Oh, that person's action never been in a fight and it just, they just run their mouth. They just have like an audacity about them. And you're like, Oh, you've never been popped once in Palm Beach And you know and you know what they do now they go Hit me you'll go to jail and that's how I know you've never been in a fucking scrap before because you'll immediately call the police

Starting point is 00:26:16 Yeah, or sue like a fucking pussy. Yeah, you fucking take your lumps. You walk it away Yeah, every person that I've ever gotten in a fight with that I knew prior, not just a random, we ended up becoming friends afterwards. It's weird when you date somebody who you know hasn't been in a fight. I've done that a few times where I'm like, you're in a fight.

Starting point is 00:26:36 I don't think I could do that. You are now. Is he just a pacifist? Ethan, cut that out. I'm not gonna. He has been in a fight. Is he just a pacifist? Ethan? Cut that out. I'm not gonna. He has been in a fight. Remember?

Starting point is 00:26:50 Remember with what? A calculator? Remember the set? It's not working. No, remember the 17 years old and in rehab or whatever? Remember all that stuff? Well he sure has turned it around. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:01 This is Joe List's story. You know how Joe List was like all fucked up and now he's, Joe List is the same kind of thing. There's not the same. It's the same marriage, children. It's the same. It's the same thing.

Starting point is 00:27:14 I'm going to bite your ankle. We're going to act out. I'm hungry. So tell us about our hats. So much sushi in front of an Asian woman while she sat in a lawn chair. I really enjoyed that. I really hoped it. Kaila got here early.

Starting point is 00:27:30 No, you got here on time. On time. Yeah. And our episode ran late. Yeah. We were recording with Soder and... Where did he go? How did he exit?

Starting point is 00:27:40 Oh, we have an exit down here. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like you were supposed... I should have said come in downstairs, but it was fine. That was my fault. But you were such a sweet person. You were just sitting upstairs quietly, not even on the couch. She sat on that lawn patio chair I have in my living room.

Starting point is 00:27:55 Well, nobody wants to sit on the couch. Why? It's scary. There's too many pillows. But I love every time I sit on it, I make a bunch of pillows like it's a fort. That is cute. Yeah. Yeah. Go sit on it after I make a bunch of pillows like it's a fort. That is cute. Yeah. Yeah. Go sit on it after this. You'll like it. I do sit on it and I feel like I can't ever get up. That's how you want to feel on a couch. Swallowed whole. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:13 My couch is like a wooden box. Swallowed. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole.

Starting point is 00:28:19 Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole.

Starting point is 00:28:24 Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. Whole. home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home.

Starting point is 00:28:30 I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home.

Starting point is 00:28:36 I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home.

Starting point is 00:28:43 I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I. We got a machine head. Green juice, red, machine head. What about glycerine? Yeah, that one, everyone. Glycerine. I don't know if you're singing it right.

Starting point is 00:29:00 Can you sing it? The beginning, I felt like that was a little aggressive with the glycerine. just soften it up a little bit But it's Gavin Ross Dale the ex of Gwen Stefani. Oh, I don't know anybody Do you feel the way you hate do you hate the way you feel always closest to the flames ever closer to the blade? Who's so emo? Oh god.'m going to listen to Bush tonight. Me too. I think I'll do that. Hey, everybody, enjoy the episode,

Starting point is 00:29:30 but also go watch my special Ian Fyodance, Wild, Happy and Free right here on the podcast YouTube page. Then come see me live, punchup.live slash Ian Fyodance. I'm coming all over this god darn great country of ours and I can't wait to see you there. Watch a special. Oh yeah. And share it and like it and comment. That helps. We who enjoy the shoe. Hey everybody. Instead of just talking about your hobbies, why don't you show them off? Like Jordan showing off her hobby of Elvira and Ozzy Osbourne hanging out and my hobby of being a Ninja Turtle.

Starting point is 00:30:12 Display comes alive with all new texture displays. Displays are way easier to hang them regular posters. I have a hair in my mouth. This place are way easier to hang their regular posters because they have their metal and you can they have magnets and they have see how we have them on the wall over there, but they're not on camera. Yeah, there are magnets on the wall that's pretty easy to each display comes with a magnet that you stick to the wall, put the display on the magnet and you're done. Read this verbatim.

Starting point is 00:30:43 Right now, display is offering a great discount for B&E and listeners. Use the link in the description. The discount will be applied automatically at the checkout. Or use code B-E-I-N-I-A-N at checkout to get 20% off, or one or two DiscPlates at 30% off, or three. Or more. Three more at DiscPlate. Make sure to act fast. This deal runs. Can they make one with our logo on it instead of sending? percent off or three or more.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Make sure to act fast. This deal runs with our logo on it instead of sending. Oh, dude. Yo, that'd be sick. Seems like they should have thought of that. Yeah. The fuck this plate. I'm about to dis your plate. Yeah, I'm about to place your desk. I'm about to play place your disk in a bulging state because a bulging disc hurts people in their late 40s.

Starting point is 00:31:28 That's code B and E and check out B E I N I A N or click the link in the show notes There they they sent us more upstairs Let's get back to the show. Speaking of not liking our faces, there was a girl met her sixth grade, loved Gavin Rosdale. So I subscribed to Hit Parade magazine and Circus magazine. They were two rock magazines. So I cut out all the pictures of Gavin Rossdale and I put him in a Ziploc baggie and gave him to her and she put him on her wall. And then I begged my mom for me to get plastic surgery so I could look like him. And then

Starting point is 00:32:14 she ended up, um, we talk on the phone all the time and she ended up going to the movies with another guy and they invited me as a friend. But then at 24, we banged. How was it? Pretty cool. It was good. I saw you commenting fiercely in defense of 311 when they did Tiny Desk. Oh yeah. Yeah. And you were like, anyone who hates on 311 is boring. And I was like, ooh, Hart. Yeah, I really pop off in the comments. I try to stand up for what's right.

Starting point is 00:32:55 And I love that you defend her. Yes, always. That is so great. You never read comments ever. I'll fucking go to jail for you. I don't know why, I saw that one because it bumped it up because you had attacked him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:07 Because we posted a- Don't text her the negative. Oh, I didn't, I didn't. It came up on her Instagram. It came up because Ian went after him, so it pops up and it's like, Ian said this to this person, it's like, hey, fuck you, man.

Starting point is 00:33:18 I'm like, all right, what's going on? Yeah, some guy was like, because it was a video about her talking about when we went to a punk rock show and I, uh, stage hardcore show. Yeah. Punk rock hardcore show. And I shout out Angel dust, fiddle head. So drug church, that was a show. Um, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 00:33:44 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And then I edited the actual video of me. This guy's gonna love that he's making the pod. Dude, you know what's crazy? My puppy burps. You feed her dog shit food, probably.

Starting point is 00:34:12 The guy I'm dating was holding her back, and I was like, don't hold her like that, because she was trying to bite him, because she's a puppy. And then he's holding her like this, and she goes like this, turns to him and goes, ah, and I was like, yes, let's go. My mom's dog, Maddie does that. She's just a puppy. She's a puppy. She has puppy burps, but they're burps like my burps. We both burp and she'll drink water and be

Starting point is 00:34:33 like, it's so cute. I really do think that pets take on. Pets, they do. After a while, don't you start to look like your pet. I think so. Yeah. Do you want to see my pet? Yeah. I want to see your puppy. Oh, it's a puppy. Oh, someone goes, yeah. So I posted a video of us and then me with the cane crowd serving and someone goes, Jordan's only like hardcore for six months. And they because so what does she know? Right. Isn't that great? Look at that. Right? Isn't that great? Look at that. When I've been moshing to punk forever. Yes! And I was like, yo, what kind of comment is that? You straight up fucking dork. Like, who the fuck are you? And then it just devolved from there. And then it gets to a point where I'm like, all right, you know my schedule. I go to shows all the time, pull up to one of my gigs or fucking punk rock show and and see if you wanna talk fucking slick.

Starting point is 00:35:26 Wait a second. So all of this because he said Jordan isn't hardcore? Yeah, I know. It's, I know. I thought it would be, that is the most benign Instagram I wish I got comments like that. What do you get? Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:35:41 There's like three hour docu-series on my character out there. How do you handle that? Dude, I don't know how, I need both of your advice. Yeah. We bullshit a lot in podcasts. Everything's hyperbolic for 10 years. Yes, I'm not even kind of gay.

Starting point is 00:36:01 Just kidding. This girl guy that I'm going out with tonight, androgynous guy. Identifies as a guy but dresses like a girl. So hot. Makeup artist? Makeup artist? She really is. They, it has a look to it. This little freak. Where did you meet him? Instagram. Let me see, let me see. Okay.

Starting point is 00:36:29 You don't like it? I'm a Republican. Wow. What is that? I'm a Republican. Look at that. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:40 That'll take down any Republican. Right? I mean, it's like, is it a boy? Is it a girl? No, she's beautiful. That's a girl. That's a guy. Yeah, but but she. Oh, I see. Totally like female presenting, right? Right. But are there boobs?

Starting point is 00:36:56 They identify as he, she, they. Also all of the above. Three hundred and forty one followers. Forty one thousand. Wow. What do they do? They're like a special makeup person thing. Special. See but they-

Starting point is 00:37:10 Are there boobs? No, there's no boobs. Nice. They're a guy. Oh wait, I have- But they present as a woman. I'm actually very for this. This is Iggy Pop.

Starting point is 00:37:17 This is punk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the thing. And they're very like- Yes. No, no, no. Yeah, I'm like one of the girlies, but I'm not that. I'm a fucking guy. That's sort of like your dream boy, not that. I'm a fucking god. That's what I like.

Starting point is 00:37:25 That's sort of like your dream boy, dream girl. I hope you marry him. Let's see. What were we talking about? I need your advice. Oh yeah. Yes. Okay, so I've been podcasting a long time.

Starting point is 00:37:37 I tell stories about when I was young. Of course. For example, when I was young, I had a really cruel older cousin who saw that I was curious about one of my dogs who would hump everything. I'm like, what's he doing? And so my much older cousin was like,

Starting point is 00:37:54 oh, like you should make him feel better and do this to him. I'm six years old. I tell the story about- Wait, do what to him? Twerk him off? Like basically, yes. Finish the story. Did you, do what to him? Jerk him off? Basically, yes.

Starting point is 00:38:08 Finish the story. Did you do it? Yes. So I'm six years old. So basically an adult person told a six year old... Convinced you that that's how you make a dog feel good. Yeah. I'm the victim in this, right? I'm a six year old innocent girl. Tell the story.

Starting point is 00:38:24 Did you jerk the dog off? I actually just was like, he was like, do it like this. And then I did it for three seconds and he laughed. Now question. Yeah, we tugged down this dog's penis a bunch when we were really little. Yeah, right? Yeah. Because it had that, you know, it has that fur that comes off the tip of it. Yeah, I didn't do that.

Starting point is 00:38:40 We weren't jerking it off, but you know that piece, pee fur that gets at the end of it? I remember us being like, be me, be me. And we were like six. We just don't know any better. Yeah. Why shove my thumb up to a dog's asshole to make my friends laugh?

Starting point is 00:38:51 Yeah. I just think that there is an age where you're just fucking up. Yeah, you're cute. But you're not thinking about it with a sexual. But how many times did you do it? No, my God, that one time. Yes.

Starting point is 00:39:00 Second story. Might be a little darker. Did your cousin get in trouble for that? The Philippines, Wild Wild West. Ever, of course not. You want me to comment to them online? Let me finish my story. So I'm going to need you to comment.

Starting point is 00:39:14 You can feel better is really gross. Yeah, that's so gross. That's the bad part. Because I tell that story, then people are like, sometimes when I'm scrolling TikTok, people are like, you think there's a whole breakdown about my character basically. And they're like, this girl molests dogs.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Oh my God. And she fucks her brother. And I'm like, I don't have a brother. I fucked my stepbrother. Did you? Before he became my stepbrother. Me too. No, no. After? Oh yeah became my stepbrother. Me too. No, no.

Starting point is 00:39:46 After? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, after. Oh wait, but that's just the plot of Clueless. Exactly. I saw that movie twice a day every year. And what's the age difference? Hey, wait.

Starting point is 00:39:57 We were both 15. What? No, no, no, her and him weren't. Oh, was he much older? Yeah. Oh, well, that's a little weird. I was 20. He was 27. Oh, but you that's a little weird. I was I was 20. He was.

Starting point is 00:40:06 Oh, but you're both a 27. They knew each other when they were seven and 14. Oh, living in the same household. Yeah. Hey, question. What because it's on the tip of my tongue. What do you what is when someone gives a dog a haircut there or what? Groomer.

Starting point is 00:40:21 OK, go ahead. Sorry about that. I mean, look, so you live in the same household. Yeah, for a bit. But I mean, he was out of the house. OK, that's a little weird. Mine is a little different. I met him first and then years after my dad and his dad and my mom got together and they're still together.

Starting point is 00:40:41 Oh, that's nice. And then years, years, years after we dated, maybe like six years after he, sadly, unalived himself. But my question to you both is, how do I escape the internet saying that I molested my brother, who by the way was the same age, we were both 15, 16, molested my brother, and that I'm a dog-joker offer? You know how? Say it in the camera right now. You're not going to say that. Don't say that. Don't look in the camera because people will cut it up to you going. She didn't do it.

Starting point is 00:41:14 Listen to him. Just ignore them. They don't really think that nobody actually there's some fat dude in the basement who's like, yeah, they're all fucking losers. And then when I fucking go at him over that shit, they are just delete the thread and then message you go, I was just trying to be like, like you guys. Yeah, that's right. They're so serious about it on TikTok because because they they're fucking cowards. What do you mean? There's like people a girl is like, can you believe this girl has done this? And I'm like, fucking, where's the context, lady? Like it's a front-facing video of somebody?

Starting point is 00:41:47 My take is this. Here's a bunch of adults having discourse about my childhood sexual trauma. Like, isn't that, doesn't that make them fucking weird? Yeah. It's cause you're hot. You're fucked for life. I know.

Starting point is 00:42:01 It's cause you're really hot. I can say whatever the fuck I want. I can say. Us U say I goes you kidding me Yeah, us fucking putrid gremlin. Yeah people let's ease up us shovel faces Arm pit hair and nasty ass women. I mean us queer Jordan Jensen um, I Yeah, I mean that's people are always to go after you because you're hot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:26 They're just going to do that. And because you're feminine. And they're jealous. I'm like a bull. Some people are like, she's one of the guys. She could fuck a dog. That's funny because I always kind of related more to being like a dog. I know, but you're hot.

Starting point is 00:42:34 You don't have the boy face. I know. It's your exterior. I don't have a boy face? No. My jawline is not? No, it's a strong jawline. It's hot.

Starting point is 00:42:42 You have giant, flushes lips, and you have the most feminine body and self ever. Yeah, what are you talking about? You're like very feminine. Thank you. Yeah Thank you. But also you, but also there's yeah, there's like the I don't know though. I might be getting hate and not seeing it I mean, that's the way to go. I don't like just just be oblivious. See I only look at my instagram I don't seek out other stuff because that's not my place to police and people can whatever. But when it's on my page, if you're talking shit on one of my friends or you're making fun of me for being gay or into trans women,

Starting point is 00:43:17 then I'm going to fucking put my foot down because my page is my place for fun jokes, happiness, positivity. Take your negativity elsewhere. If posted on someone else's thing, whatever. Yeah, that's your thing. But to go on someone's page and do that fucked up. I think it's normal. I think all social media is corrupt and made for people to troll. I think your profile name should be your name and your face. So then you won't have to hide behind anonymity. What do you think of that? One of my friends, I forget who it is, whenever they would get a bad comment, they would go to the person's site, find their kid, find a picture of their kid because it's always

Starting point is 00:43:54 a guy with a kid, and be like, your kid is a fat ugly piece of shit. Oh I've done that. On Facebook some guy said something like, if you're do if if he invited, it's yours, blah, blah, blah. And I go, I was like, hey, I said something about like your wife's a fat pig or something like maybe like you couldn't. Oh, oh. He and I got into it. He was like, well, we don't have a lot of money.

Starting point is 00:44:20 Blah, blah. Yeah. Well, it's fine because you spent all the money on your fat pig wife's grocery. Maybe if you fucking shut her cornhole up, you wouldn't have to fucking be in the poor house and your kids fucking gross. And you know, it pisses me off when guys have pictures of them and their daughters and they say shit about girls' bodies. It's like so creepy. It's so weird.

Starting point is 00:44:41 But it's creepy because, you know, they hyper fixate on women's bodies in that way on the internet. So like what is that poor young girl going to be subjected to? Some guy said shit to me today about like being gay or whatever and then he goes on his profile goes spread kindness wherever. Oh yeah. It's always going to be some biblical quote in their bio. And then I try to say something, and then it has, they cannot be mentioned in comments. And then I went, huh, yeah, this guy's a coward. It doesn't matter. Why am I getting all tuned up over it? Yeah, I don't respond unless, I responded to that one

Starting point is 00:45:18 because I just thought it was funny to make fun of a guy who knows so much about me that he knows exactly the span of time I've been into hardcore. Then I was like, what, you have my life memorized and you're hating on me I know but I usually don't say anything and I usually don't read them and if I do read them It's like I'll read like if I put out something on YouTube Then I'll read I'll wait for somebody to say something like my friends will be like all the comments are really positive and then I'll be Like we're let's go in. Yeah, but they do with Rogan

Starting point is 00:45:43 Yeah, I was and I've gotten really good at all this stuff. That's terrifying because I feel like you're just going to get pelted no matter what. I got, you know, knock on wood. I got a really, really great response from Rogan and I was like worried about it. So I stayed, it's fine. Ever since I did that, his show, I have stayed off my phone and like social media a ton, even though I'm like saying that thing about like the comments, but that was just the past couple of days because I posted stuff for the podcast and everything. Anyway, it's been like really like relieving to be like,

Starting point is 00:46:15 oh, I'm not even gonna worry about this stuff anymore. Yeah, you don't have to worry. Once you get to a certain point, you're like. Yeah, do you read it or do people- Also the more comments the better. I don't read it. No, I would. I would be crushed. Are people making front facing

Starting point is 00:46:28 videos of their themselves being like, it's just comments. It's yeah, it's always comments. And it's I delete those. I think in the beginning they used to really get to me, but it's those two things. Yeah, those two little things where

Starting point is 00:46:40 I'm like, come on, guys, like that is so grotesque. To be honest, if somebody says you're a dog fucker, you're going to get more views. People are going to your page. I know Rainn Wilson said he's like, make that merch. Yeah, dude, that's actually funny if you lean into it. Yeah, well, no, I don't want to. I like I would do dogs for a dog.

Starting point is 00:46:57 Yeah, I bet you do. You create for a living. Not for a living. No, like I rescued dogs and I foster dogs like 10 a year. So it's like, I don't want this out there. There's no Native American in you? Zero. I fought for the longest time. I'm Filipino and French.

Starting point is 00:47:15 There's no Hawaiian in me. No, I'm Filipino. If I was Hawaiian, I'd go, you want some? Here, ready? Pretend you're not Italian. Do you have any Italian in you? No. You want some? You got it? Here, ready? Pretend you're not Italian. Do you have any Italian in you? No. You want some? Nice.

Starting point is 00:47:30 I had to see it that way. What are you guys? Italian and Danish. Italian and Danish. Her. You too? Italian, Irish, and Ashkenazi, too? A tiny bit of Jew.

Starting point is 00:47:38 Oh, wait. I'm like 2% Ashkenazi. Jew! Lahayim, do you want to blow our Shafar? Blow it! Blow it! Blow it! Blow it! Blow it! Blow it! Blow it! A tiny bit of. Oh, wait, I'm like 2 percent Ashkenazi. Wow. You lie. And do you want to blow our Shafar?

Starting point is 00:47:49 Blow it. I don't know how to know. I don't want to know. You do. That's a great anything. No, you're not. You're not. It's fine. Do you know what they're doing over there in the Middle East right now? They kind of deserve it. How do I do it? It's getting low in the small is real and go like that. Not Jewish, like a trumpet.

Starting point is 00:48:04 Blow in the small is real and go like this not Jewish like a trumpet I'm putting I'm putting lipstick all over You know what fuck it that's a place in the Philippines Phuket Thailand Southeast Asia yeah, yeah. You're so close. You're also so wrong. How'd you get into Trash Tuesday? Through Tiger Belly. So Tiger Belly with Bobby and then,

Starting point is 00:48:34 and you don't do comedy. I don't do comedy at all. You are a podcaster. I just look, isn't that so weird? That's crazy. Do you say that to people? Like, what's your job? I'm a podcaster.

Starting point is 00:48:44 Yeah, I don't actually say that. What do you say? I'm self-employed. Do you say, would you ever say influencer? Never. Oh my god, one time I did a this game show on HBO and I almost died when I think she, the host either called me a YouTuber or an influencer and I think my insides melted. I was and I was like, and I couldn't correct her. Right. Um, since her show and she can say whatever she wants, but I'm like, Oh, I don't like that at all. Now I don't really say anything to anyone. I'm like, Oh, what are you doing? Couldn't you say you're not a comic, you are like a comedian in a way, because you're on comical podcasts. Like people say their favorite comedian is like Chris Farley.

Starting point is 00:49:28 Yeah, but I'm the straight man in the podcast. So we have like Esther, I am the person who brings them back to reality. But it is a weird thing to say podcaster cause I feel like people immediately like, well, everyone has a podcast. What do you really do? So then I don't want the follow-up question. Although the, all the true kind of people that are famous off true crime, they're podcasters, right?

Starting point is 00:49:53 Yeah, but do they say that? It might say they say murder exploiter. Yeah. Murder exploit. I know that is really sad. Yeah. Could you imagine? It should all be nonprofit. You're right. If you are talking about somebody's death

Starting point is 00:50:07 besides your brothers, it should be nonprofit. Also, it's because if you're putting out like the 911 calls and it's like, I know. And you start the podcast that way. Even that Nickelodeon doc, I'm like, this should go back to children's buttholes. Dude, awesome.

Starting point is 00:50:21 Being repaired. What? Sew them up. Fix them. It should go back to what? The repairing of children's raped buttles, but why would they go back to them from what through money the money should go back to that Oh, I thought you meant the topic to the conversation. Hey, hang on a second. Let's go back to little kids buttholes. What do you think? I thought I was like, what the fuck dude? Moving on to this dog shit. What about these kids

Starting point is 00:50:50 buttholes? Dude, it's so creepy and sad. Imagine like your boyfriend died and then the cases takes a turn and it took a while. It was one of these cold cases, right? And then the cases takes a turn and it took a while. It was one of these cold cases, right? And then you had two fat chicks wanna revisit your boyfriend's murder. Who were kinda cracking jokes a little too. Who were making jokes, laughing, and then they start to do a theory.

Starting point is 00:51:17 Who are peddling liquid death. And then, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, here's, you know, I actually relisted in the 911 call. It kinda sounds like Kailila was in the background. And then like're like, here's, you know, I actually relisted in the 911 call. It kind of sounds like Kailila was in the background. And then like your life is upended because then there are all these moron Internet sleuths that are like, we need to find the real justice. You know, I think that's so creepy because I think sleuths do a good job.

Starting point is 00:51:38 No. Sometimes like with a don't fuck with cats. I think the sleuths did an incredible. No, they didn't. They found some random guy that had nothing to do with it, and they abused and tortured that poor guy. It wasn't Luca Magnata that they found? No, they found Luca Magnata, but there was another guy. Oh, I bet. See, that's where it becomes- Oh, you're right about Don't Look At Cats. Don't Fuck With Cats. Don't look at any cats. I'm talking about the Cecil Hotel. Oh, correct.

Starting point is 00:52:06 What about Serial? Remember when Serial just outed that man? They were like, guess what? Big twist, he was gay. And it's like, he's dead, dude. Maybe he didn't want, he was like a big. Adnan? Not Serial. Not Adnan.

Starting point is 00:52:17 Aaron Rodriguez. Shit Town. S-Town? No, S-Town was, did he out that guy? Remember how the guy died from mercury and stuff? Yeah. They were like, and what's crazy is, and then they were like, he was gay and these are unnecessary. It was so unnecessary. I'm like, the dude obviously wanted to be like a hardcore. He was like a tattoo mercury. Let him die straight if he wants to. Yeah. The, the, yeah. Um, the, the Victoria lamb or

Starting point is 00:52:42 whatever girl with the hotel, Cecil Hotel, the internet sleuth found some Brazilian like death metal guitarist and they upended his life because they're like this is the guy. No way. Yeah, it's dude these people. There was a Korean squat because I hurt my coccyx. Your cock. There was a guy, girl, comic, Jax, in New York. She stopped doing comedy and became like a chef.

Starting point is 00:53:12 She was touched. She had mental problems, right? And I could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or a pot. Can we smoke a cigarette? Do you mind if we smoke a cigarette? No, don't smoke.

Starting point is 00:53:22 You mind, you mind. Don't, say you do mind. Say you mind. Please say you mind. Please, be my friend. You do mine. Say you do mine. Say you do mine. Please say you do mine. Please beat my friend. I will squat with you. Okay, I'll squat in solidarity. So.

Starting point is 00:53:30 Can I just hold a cigarette in my mouth? Yeah, go for it. Oh, I'll do that too. You guys are both analog. Sanica, Native American cigarette. I'm not analog. As opposed to vape. I'm a vape. Oh, you have a vape too. Oh, that's right.

Starting point is 00:53:46 So, dude, I just wanted to look like a Korean guy for a second. You know how they are. You know, we call that in the Philippines, the term is standby. Why? Oh, yeah. There's standby is when you get in a squat and you just watch the world pass on by you dissociate smoke a cigarette. It's called standby. Awesome. Yeah. That's cool. That's a good name for a podcast. We should always all squat like this. Always though. I'm going to squat like that and do a standby and you're going to shit your pants if you squat like this

Starting point is 00:54:25 to them. I do have to kind of you know I am gonna say it's a homage to Filipino culture and if any fucking losers say I'm appropriating I'll say I'm fucking celebrating you fucking bitch. What's more appropriate than appropriation? You can't spell appropriation without appropriate. I mean, look, you can appropriate all things Filipino as long as I'm in the room. Yeah, I will defend you. I don't know anything about them. A lot of prostitution, I imagine.

Starting point is 00:54:56 Where? Philippines. Not more than here. Tiny pussies. No, I don't think there's a correlation between Asians and tiny... Flippity flabbity. Do you think there's a correlation between women's sizes and the size of their pussy? Because I don't think there's a correlation between Asians and Chinese. Flippity flabbity. Do you think there's a correlation between women's sizes and the size of their pussy? Because I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:55:09 Yes. Do you date a lot of Asian men? Yeah, I do. Penis size? Depends what kind of Asian. But dude, the smallest dick I ever had was this swole white baseball stud. Is he a major league player? He was in the lower leagues, one step down.

Starting point is 00:55:28 Triple A. Yes, but he had, he was so hot, but oh my God, a pencil dick. Oh, that poor fella. He hated pencil. I hated pencil. He was so just buff and so cute. And God, he was terrible.

Starting point is 00:55:43 Really wiggly? But no, Asian, Filipino men from my experience have very thick, yeah, thicky penises. Do you want to end up with an Asian person? The guy I'm with now is Hawaiian, so. Come on, I want to lay you. I prefer brown guys. I'm actually- Me too.

Starting point is 00:56:01 Not me. Really? I'm white. She's like a white nationalist with her pussy. I go white, I'm a white nationalist, but I go white Irish. She calls her pussy a proud boy. She is the proudest boy.

Starting point is 00:56:13 Her pussy is quite an oath keeper. I've had sex, I had sex one time with somebody who wasn't white and it didn't go great. What did it, what was he? No, no, no, we've talked, we've said it a million times. What was he? Muslim.

Starting point is 00:56:24 Oh. really? But that's just that's that's that's a him thing. Yeah, no, it's not. That's such a thing. You get it, the moths. No, no, no, no. Come on, that's the best joke I've made all day. That's a him.

Starting point is 00:56:48 Most thing that doesn't even make sense. That's a him. Most you could. Hamas. Hamas. Yes, but what is it to him? My that's a him thing. She said that's a him thing. And I said, that's a him.

Starting point is 00:57:03 Austin, because he's Muslim. What's going on? He's almost there. He's almost got it. Can I be honest? My legs are writhing in pain right now. I am in my, my feet feel like they're going to fall asleep and I think blood is not in my head. I think this is helping my coccyx.

Starting point is 00:57:24 What's helping my coccyx? I mean, in my cock? I mean, bounce it out. Wait a second. So I think there's stinkies from all of races except a lower, a lower, um, it's about thinkies with, I think like, like Koreans and stuff because they just don't have the B. O. Gene. It's about class. If you're poor and uneducated, you're not going to have good hygiene. Yeah, but I'm attracted to stinky white boys. The Musk, there are certain types of people that just emit a stronger BO. And it's not even that they have BO. Your codes just don't match. And it's offensive to you because you're just chemically not matched with them. Because I can smell BO and be super love it and be attracted to

Starting point is 00:58:05 it. Yeah. And then smell probably similar strength BO that I'm just like, ugh, about. Yeah, agree. Sometimes if I start to dislike someone, they will smell different to me. I agree with that. What comes first, the smell or the hate? The hate. No, the hate.

Starting point is 00:58:26 The hate comes first. Yeah, I think that's I'd be lying if I said I knew, but I'll keep track of it. I know that a lot of my friends, a guy friends will be like, I was fucking a girl. And then they're like, I don't really know if I like her. And they're like, ah, her smells bad now. Damn. Oh, like they catch the ick from them. Yeah. And once you get there, you can't get back. I know that there's, there's something

Starting point is 00:58:46 called a super smeller. Like there was this woman who, um, is able to detect Parkinson's in people. And so when she, so she married her husband, like in their twenties and sometime around their thirties, she just started to be like repulsed by his smell. And then he, he was like later diagnosed with really early onset like Parkinson's. And she was like, huh, funny because like I could smell. What about parking daughters? I could really smell them.

Starting point is 00:59:14 It didn't make sense. That did, I got that. I tracked that one. Thank you. I did track yours too. And then later on, she was able to smell Parkinson's in everyone. Yours was good.

Starting point is 00:59:27 I'm wrong. I'm wrong. Yours was good. But imagine being a super smeller. She, I think that same woman or somebody like that smelled was doing smell help. Was being like. Yes, with all of them.

Starting point is 00:59:39 Yeah, and was like Parkinson's, Parkinson's. And then there was one person that they were like, oh, you're off with that person. And then years and years. And ended up getting it. Really? Yeah. Crazy. Like a sniffing node. I'd love it. The airport when they go, everybody has to go through the super security now, even the TSA people,

Starting point is 00:59:56 you have to go through super security. It's a little puppy. You're like, Oh, this is bad for a while. You're going to walk and step with. I know I'm saying, isn't that the funniest thing that they're like, you need to go through? We're bringing out the big boys and it's not a machine. Oh, yeah. It's just a little puppy. Like a dog. But that's how like cats can smell death and like in a nursing home. And I thought of that today because my cat has been loving me so much today.

Starting point is 01:00:22 Like will not leave me alone. That freaks me out. Constant chest sitting, constant nudging, constant under the blanket with me. And I'm like, am I gonna die? No, that's scary. Maybe not die, but I remember when I had my first like cardiac, like my heart thing happen.

Starting point is 01:00:40 That day, while I was on the toilet, my cat jumped on my lap and was like hurrying and trying to rub up on me, which is something she never did, like ever. Oh no. And then, so now when she shows affection in that way, I freak out, I'm like, oh wait, is she sensing something? Should I stay inside tonight?

Starting point is 01:00:57 I don't think you should leave for the next week. It's not your, you'd just die on the train. It's your physical body that would end, not your, it wouldn't be a calamity. It's your physical body that would end. Not your, it wouldn't be a calamity. It would be a sickness that would take you if you stay in or out. But yeah, stay in. Wait, what?

Starting point is 01:01:12 Cats can sense a physical malady. It can sense- Yeah, not an impending- Not if a train is gonna hit you. Sorry. Not if a- Oh, that's fine. Okay, not if a-

Starting point is 01:01:22 Like that one dog that smelled the cancer, you know, through sniffing. He didn't smell the stabbing. Oh that one dog that smelled the cancer, you know, through sniffing. He didn't smell. Oh, maybe he's smelling lung cancer on me. Yeah. Like stomach cancer. Exactly.

Starting point is 01:01:31 Oh, I got time. Okay, I'll go out to the. You're fine. Yeah. And what's going on with the date? Is it like a set thing? When is the date? Can I bother him?

Starting point is 01:01:40 Tonight. Can I smash it? Yeah, you wanna come? Where is it? I don't know, he wants to know where to meet up. What are your dates like? Dinner, sometimes I had a gal come in and I planned a weekend for us.

Starting point is 01:01:56 It was really nice. I liked that. It was Filipino, right? Which one? You like Filipino girls? The one that freaked me out on the couch? Black. Why'd she on the couch? Black. Why'd she freak you out?

Starting point is 01:02:05 Really? Black and Puerto Rican. Oh, that is a little Filipino, yeah. Is it? Basically. Me? Filipinos are like, I mean, my friend says we're like Mexicans of the sea.

Starting point is 01:02:16 Interesting. We're very close because we were colonized by Spain, right? So we have a lot of the same customs and stuff. Anal. I know that they were customs. Minus the anal. This girl's anal. But wait a second, why did that girl feel by Spain, right? So we have a lot of the same like customs and stuff. I know that they were customs. Minus the anal. This girl's anal.

Starting point is 01:02:28 But wait a second, why did that girl freak you out? Cause she was like sitting in the shadows perched and I walked in and I was like, Ian, oh my God! There you go. She didn't announce herself? Not at all, she was small and scared. She came, I brought her to it. As I would be too if I fucked

Starting point is 01:02:56 you. Don't don't don't don't don't do not. We have a guest here. It's locked in there. Lock it in. She no dude she came. It was it was really fun. She came to New York and we immediately went to Brooklyn Monarch and went to a punk rock show. She held my ship while I stage dived and she loves like Paramore and stuff. So I she was like, I kind of want to go to the front. It was like, yeah, we went to the front. I brought on stage, she held my shit. And then I became like a bouncer and I was just pulling kids on stage. Like like stage. I've been stuff. It was great. We had fun So this date what are you gonna do? Oh, I don't know. What should we do?

Starting point is 01:03:29 Come to my show Yeah, 55 christy what time it's happening right now. They're not free till 10 Go to a movie at 10 no movies are the worst. I don't want to go. I don't want to sit quietly next to someone My my ideal date is hey, let's go get coffee. Let's hang, go for a walk. Veselka. You know Veselka? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:54 Veselka. Yeah, okay. They live in the East Village. Maybe I'll go down there. I mean, this girl came over the other night. Never mind. What? Say it.

Starting point is 01:04:04 We had a dinner, but it was more of a formality because we knew what we were there for. Oh, she was a prostitute? No. Sex worker? No. I stayed away. But you had sex? Yes.

Starting point is 01:04:17 With a person who knew it was sex? Yeah. And didn't think it was a date? No, she knew the score. And so she said, I just want to have sex. Yeah. And you said, OK. And then't think it was a date. No, she knew the score. And she so she said, I just want to have sex. And you said, OK. Yeah. And then she came over. We went to dinner and then you had sex.

Starting point is 01:04:31 Well, we came back, watched Grandma's Boy Nightmare. My nightmare. Why? Just being forced to watch boys movies on a date and be like, yeah. I liked it. I asked her. Or even eating before fucking is just a no no for me. Well, let me tell you, she has a penis. I asked her. I know you asked her. Or even eating before fucking is just a no-no for me. Well, let me tell you, she. Has a penis. No, she.

Starting point is 01:04:53 She was a big fat fatty. Okay, so those. But like really hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. But she didn't mind eating before fucking. Yeah, I mean, that's, I know girls. I said that into the Yeah, I mean, that's I know. I said that into the mic.

Starting point is 01:05:07 I know that was a bit. OK. Yeah, I know. I know. I when you start to lean over, I go, well, I've made a mistake. Wait, who was it? So. I don't know. Huh? Whispering sucks on the part.

Starting point is 01:05:29 Wait, where'd you pick up a corporeal offering? Where'd you pick up a King's Feast? Where'd you pick up a- At the cellar. Really? I had to bring my harpoon. Good thing you had that on. I said, we're going to need a bigger cab.

Starting point is 01:05:48 I like real big boys. I like big gals. Really? I like big gals. And I'm not afraid to say it, but they got to be hot big gals, not slops. Mine just have to be, no, that's all. That's all I require. Just a belly.

Starting point is 01:06:02 I like a belly. Really? A big one. I just like that. Do you like it because it feels good in your mom's pubis? Yeah, that, but also I just like it. I like the aesthetic. I like the look of it.

Starting point is 01:06:17 It's really nice. Like a protruding belly or just like not abs? No, just protruding. Because I'm reticent to show you my belly right now to see if that's what you mean. Show me your belly. You have a normal belly. I'm a little nervous.

Starting point is 01:06:33 Why? Here's a girl telling you, you're almost a little too slish in shape. Work on that. Yeah, get a little thicker. Okay, there, there on that. Yeah. Get a little thicker. Okay, there, there, that's it. Let me see. That's it.

Starting point is 01:06:50 You like that? Yes. Put that away. I like that. Yeah. You like a Chrysler? Chrysler body. Wow.

Starting point is 01:07:00 Yeah. Is it just because it just makes you feel secure? Like they're not gonna go anywhere. They're just so, they're nice to lay next to you. Yeah, they're not gonna go anywhere. Let's man. They're just so They're nice next to you. Yeah, yeah I like the doughboys. I agree. So you're saying I should rock rider. No, you should stop trying to have sex with her You saying I have to become Hawaiian? You're calling my bedroom the Lukey Lyle. Do you guys ever date normies?

Starting point is 01:07:30 Yeah. Like full on normies. Oh, not in comic? Not in comic. Not in comic. Somebody with just like a regular job. Never. An honest living.

Starting point is 01:07:39 Yes. I like that. I don't want them to be involved in my world. I've never dated somebody that wasn't like a musician or an artist. Or a comedian. It's always, yeah, it's comedian, musician, weird artist. Somewhere in the arts, somewhere creative. It has to be creative. Why?

Starting point is 01:07:56 Just because I'm crazy and then you're crazy and we go crazy. So there's a mutual understanding. See, I need someone to ground me. Nobody wants to ground me. They're always like, you're too crazy crazy unless you're crazy. I'll ground you if you misbehave. You know what that's called? Don't leave me. You're grounding when you ground planes. A wire. Ground a plane. You guys are grounded like in Mission Impossible, not Mission Impossible, in Top Gun. Huh? It would be like you're grounded. Yeah. Goose. You know?

Starting point is 01:08:27 Because you get in trouble, so your plane's on the ground. Grounded. Oh, so that's why they call locking a kid in their room, grounded. Grounded. I know the origin, I get it, wow. Interesting. My mommy said, ground me, and then be like,

Starting point is 01:08:40 why are you still near me? And I'm like, you locked me in the house. She's like, get out, leave. It's very funny when you get going and laughing because I see you're saying. Do you make out with them in? Yes. Really?

Starting point is 01:08:57 Yeah. Gross. I suck the dick with them in and I brushed it up against the dick. Shut up. Sucking a dick with that on, that I understand because you're almost like protecting a part of your mouth. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:09:07 What if you scrape it by accident and the plastic scrapes his ween, but the plastic is less abrasive than T that's so smooth. I said, is it okay if I rub these on your deck? And he was like, try. And I said, it hurt. And he was like, yeah, it doesn't feel good. Oh yeah. They are.

Starting point is 01:09:21 Yeah. They're a lot less sharp than interesting. I always get in my head that I'm scraping when I suck at this. What's fun is when I do boxing and I put it in, so I'm pretending I'm not a dork, but putting in like a grind guard, and like, you know, like a bite guard or whatever. You don't wear a mouth guard?

Starting point is 01:09:35 Like a mouth guard? No. Well, you're not fully sparring. Yeah, we're not sparring. I mean, that'd be weird to just, you know, hit the bad sweat with a mouth guard. That's what I thought, I was like. A little weird. Well, you know, hit the bat and sweat a mouth guard. A little weird. Well, you might want to headbutt the bag.

Starting point is 01:09:47 But it feels good to put it in before boxing. It feels like the only time it doesn't feel dorky. That's cool. I've been watching those videos. That's cool. You're doing that with Caitlin and stuff. It's really fun. That's neat. I have my Caitlin at the gym. Did you see the videos I put up?

Starting point is 01:10:00 Yeah. It was me and Zach and Rob. Yeah. And my gym is awesome. It's a bodybuilding gym, but I become friends with like the guys and we're all the same type of music and tattoos and all this stuff. And some of it, a lot of them are musicians. And we, the other day I stopped, that was a good idea. I should have done literally. We, I stopped by just to be like, Hey, what's up? And I saw two of my buddies are like, you're not leaving.

Starting point is 01:10:27 We're getting a pump. And I was like, no, I'm not dressed. All right, dude, we're coming. And so I was in my jeans and a wife beater and we fucking went and it was awesome. I love like working out with friends. That really helps. I didn't think I did until I started this personal trainer

Starting point is 01:10:42 and it's so fun. Although I do crack her up to the point where she's like, because she'll be like, she'll be like, jab, hook, cross. And I'll go and I'll go. And she's like, can you stop saying? And I'm like, yes, yes, yes. And she's like, pleased for the love of fuck. And I'm very bad at it right now.

Starting point is 01:11:01 I can't imagine. Oh, I'm bad. I want to learn my Muay Thai. Muay Thai's fun. Anyway. Do you Muay Thai? I used to dabble. I used to dabble in Jiu Jitsu a long time ago. I'm terrible now, but I do follow MMA pretty closely.

Starting point is 01:11:17 Really? I don't like it. I wanna be able to disarm someone. If we get into a thing in the street, or a crazy guys like doing something to someone, I want to be able to like. Like jujitsu, you mean jujitsu. It's safely. I don't want to hurt someone.

Starting point is 01:11:32 Sounds like you need to take one of those. Women's self-defense. Yeah. I had a place called Curves. Yeah. Is curves still a thing? Hey ladies. Yeah. Sounds like still a thing. Ladies. Yeah. I'm thinking you do that.

Starting point is 01:11:47 But I also think, yeah, I think you'd like boxing, though, for sure. You seem like you love boxing. Because you're like, oh, yeah, you have a lot of pent up. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be good for you. I can't believe how good it is for me. I love and she's like, OK, let's stop. And I'm like, no, no.

Starting point is 01:12:03 Yeah, but I feel like I get so window with my smoking. I like terrible Breathing, you know all the more reason to do I'd get out of oh Yeah And then the cigarette afterwards it feels so good. That's true hitting the offsetting there. Yeah, we know First I can I think you said off-putting and I was like What do you do? You run? Yeah. How do you stay so hot? You run like a hot girl?

Starting point is 01:12:30 Like this? Pilates? I was a division one swimmer. I swam for the Philippine national team for like most. Shut up. No, you're like my mom where you're just fit forever. Cause you swim. But not anymore.

Starting point is 01:12:41 I'm getting a little bit squishy now, but, but that's why. It does last a while. I was, I was my parents, like I was into full child labor. Like I was, I trained morning, um, two a day since I was seven, eight years old. They made you or you wanted to. No, hell no. I wish I wanted to know that I was living in the Philippines and my parents were very much like, these are my sister and I, these are our race horses. And I was part of the Philippine national team since I was 10. My sister since she was nine. And yeah, that's, and then we came to America

Starting point is 01:13:17 and then my sister got a full ride. We both got full rides to D1. And so like, it's sort of like built in, but the downside of being an athlete for so long is that by the time you're out of it, your joints and everything is fucked up. It's like just overuse syndrome. What was your stroke?

Starting point is 01:13:33 I was a 200 meter butterflyer. Wow, the hardest one. Yeah. Butterflies so hard. That's this one. That's the one where you come out of the water. Yeah. This is why you're wearing those hats. You got those hats. Oh yeah. That you're wearing those hats. You got hats.

Starting point is 01:13:45 Those hats that you're wearing. Why? Is because now I free dive. I free dive, I spearfish. I'm an ocean thing, right? What's a free dive? I free dive. Basically I dive down to the bottom of the ocean

Starting point is 01:13:58 without oxygen or a tank. I'm just on my own breath. And so that has sort of been outside of podcasting. What are you doing under there when you go under there? How do you do that? Sometimes I have a spear gun and I shoot fish. Sometimes I get lobster. Sometimes.

Starting point is 01:14:16 Well, in California. California and Hawaii. Yeah. And Philippines. Not probably not more than you guys. Like on land, we probably had the same, like lung capacity. How do you shoot up? I mean, how do you shoot back up? With just your little legs. How do you go down?

Starting point is 01:14:32 With your little legs. Do you, do you jump off, go down? Yeah, you hinge your, you hinge at the hip. You take a big breath before you go. And then you drop down maybe 40, 50 feet. And then you drop down maybe 40, 50 feet. And you're down there, no oxygen, no nothing. And you're harpooning, your lobster grabbing. And then you go up and you think we have the same lung capacity. Yeah, absolutely do.

Starting point is 01:14:57 There's nothing special about my body. It's just that I have mastered the art of relaxing and not freaking out in the water. But as soon as you get that down, I'm also a good swimmer. So terrible swimmer. Right. You're not afraid of super average waves. Waves I'm afraid of. Me too. Because I love the women I love.

Starting point is 01:15:17 Yeah, they fun. They're not something to fuck. No, no, no. People be fucking with them. People be fucking with waves. And I'm like, that ain't my wave. Listen, I'm a lifelong swimmer. And when I see people just la-di-da,

Starting point is 01:15:32 the fucking six, seven foot sets coming in, like what the fuck? Do you surf? I am not a great surfer. Boogie board. I do boogie board, yeah. So fun. But I'm like, what don't they understand

Starting point is 01:15:45 about the power of this churning water that can kill them? It's crazy, it controls the damn moon. I mean, the moon controls it. It's like there's a reason why they say to me. The tide is pulled by the moon. It's controlling people's periods and shit. It'll hold you down too.

Starting point is 01:15:57 Yeah. It'll fucking kill you. And one full gust of, you're dead. It'll take you, it doesn't care about you. So you can lose a watch. A lake I'm not worried about if a fucking giant catfish eats my foot, then I still have a body or something. Lakes are creepy.

Starting point is 01:16:10 Would you ever go noodling? Yeah, I've always wanted to noodle. Me too. What's noodling? I have a completely different, my therapist uses this term. You first. What is your therapist one?

Starting point is 01:16:18 Noodling is when you're super just hyped up about to have a panic attack. So you imagine that your body is a noodle. Like all parts of you are noodle-like. So you kind of just like. That about to have a panic attack. So you imagine that your body is a noodle. Like all parts of you are noodle-like. So you kind of just like. That would give me a panic attack. A new therapist. That would make me scared.

Starting point is 01:16:31 You better fire this guy. Imagine all of your parts. I'd be like this, even my eyeballs. We're going spaghetti and get yourself wet and you'll just get like a little noodle. I swear. It works? Wait, but what is noodling?

Starting point is 01:16:47 Noodling is... Let's tell her at the same time and alternate. Ready? Noodling is... When you take your arm... Make it into a fist... Put it underwater... And...

Starting point is 01:17:00 In the dirt... Oh! With a catfish! Yes! I want to do that! Yeah! And then you..., no, no, no, pull out the catfish. Oh, that I want to do. Yeah. Dude, what if we all went noodling? Can we do that in California? Can we film it? Yeah, of course. What do you know? There aren't a lot of catfish in California. Oh, we got to do it here. No, we- Where do we do catfish? Upstate. Where do we go noodling?

Starting point is 01:17:27 Definitely this side of the pond. Are you here this summer at all? I can be if we're noodling. Let's be in which, I think Wes is coming on Sunday. I don't know who that is. What's, Cabin? Luminators? Oh!

Starting point is 01:17:41 Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll get to meet him. But up there you can noodle, I think. Up there we could noodle and we could film something at the Lumineers. My friend's the singer of the Lumineers and he is a cabin and lets us. He's the one that did the theme song. He I wonder if Esther could bring her baby and do a Trash Tuesday meets Banean crossover episode like Xena and Hercules. You know, Esther's roots are from like one side of her family are all like hardcore like

Starting point is 01:18:09 hunters outdoorsy. Really? I know it doesn't seem like it because she's so tiny and fragile. Yeah well hunters can also have money like big game hunters. Oh that's true. Yeah you're right. I'm not sure if that's... If they're hicks or hunters? Yeah, I'm not quite sure. Oh, I thought you meant hunters like Viking type hunters. No, like- Oh. But I would love to noodle because the way that I acquire fish is I have to shoot them in the water when I'm down there and it is very effortful. So I'd love to get fish just by sticking my hand down into some mud.

Starting point is 01:18:44 I'd love to go fishing in general. I might go fly fishing with Justin. We already said that. Did we? Yeah, we opened with that. Did I say that name? Today. Fishing hats.

Starting point is 01:18:54 Interesting. Duster. You ever do duster? No, I've never done any drugs. Wow. Nuh-uh. I swear, I think, it's not true. Alcohol.

Starting point is 01:19:07 Coke. Smoke weed. I've never done coke in my life. I'm terrified of any uppers. Look at that little coke nose. Come on. Look at that nose. I know, right?

Starting point is 01:19:14 That nose wants to do coke. Is it time? Little mushrooms. Oh, I just started microdosing with my mom this year. I need to microdose with my mom. She needs to chill out. I'm telling you, life mom this year. What? I need to micro-dose with my mom. She needs to chill out. I'm telling you, life-changing. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:28 If you ever have any beef with your, whoever it is in your family, that is truly the only way to go, fuck a therapist, fuck all of that. Like this is, I think the first step into maybe like getting on some like even ground with them. Yeah, I'm trying to dose my sister pretty good. I mean, not macro dose, because maybe you might take her.

Starting point is 01:19:49 No, I want her to see God. And if you see God, tell him that's too late. Gave a bullet in the breast because I couldn't provide the answers to questions I've been having since birth. Been searching for the truth for years. I can't find peace on this. Worth. On this earth. But he says worth.

Starting point is 01:20:07 But he's earth. Yeah. Earth. Yeah. Yeah. Earth. We have to sign off because I have to do this fucking show. Sign off. But please do mushies with your mommy. I will. That's so funny that you're like I'm microdosing mushrooms with my mom and I just told her it's over. Me and my mom had a groundbreaking experience when we both did gravity bongs together and just chucked rock on vodka. So fucked up. I've done mushrooms with my mom. She was hysterically laughing. There was a line of people all sitting together and I just see her lean forward and look at me and go

Starting point is 01:20:44 and do this huge grin. That's fun. It was great. Oh, hey, tell us about the hats and what you are here for. And then we'll wrap up. Ebb Ocean Club is launching May 15th. I don't know when this comes out. I can't really say like too much right now,

Starting point is 01:21:00 but it is basically a community that we're gonna do a lot of like water content. Um, a lot of noodling perhaps. Can we come out and noodle with ebb? Yes. I have a thousand percent. What about when we're out there for Netflix is a joke. Yeah, but there's no noodling in California. What about,, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Those are amenities. Amenities. Yeah. And then these are little spiky guys on the palm of your I don't like it. My knees. But emotion club. Those hats will launch May 15th.

Starting point is 01:21:52 Thank you for having me. Yeah. Yeah. And this has been a really, really fun journey today. And wait, you guys are both coming on trash. Yeah. Yeah. With bananas.

Starting point is 01:22:03 Yes. That's all we offer there. But yeah. Oh, and then we can talk to your guy. That's the guy. No, he left. Never mind. Oh, yeah. Well, I can maybe we can still talk to my guy. You don't like that guy. I don't. Where'd he go? I don't know. I might be mistaken. Ethan is up to his fucking eyeballs in hate. He's God's hate. I keep looking over and he's like, just stop. He's got a little neck going. Oh, yes, we're doing a live podcast June 7th, the comedy store.

Starting point is 01:22:49 Netflix is a joke fest. Ian punch up dot live slash Ian finance for all my dates. I'm coming everywhere and I'll also be doing stand up. I'm doing stand up and we have a live pod. I said coming everywhere and also doing did you get a punch up punch? Oh, yeah, got it. Good one. Get it. Punch up dot. Ian finance.

Starting point is 01:23:20 All right. We love you. Bye. Thank you, Kaleila

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 092: Silly Town W/ Khalyla Kuhn

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