Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 093: Honkers & Moaners W/ Nathan Macintosh

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Ian Fidance | Wild Happy & Free | Full Stand Up Special: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s WATCH NATHAN'S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/gApnofHJLoo?si=zSLnu6nFUaRlqwzh Support the show, save 10% off the Journey Pack and start the Good Habit at https://www.tryfum.com/SKA code SKA Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Nathan Macintosh Here: https://www.instagram.com/nathanmacintosh/ WATCH NATHAN'S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/gApnofHJLoo?si=zSLnu6nFUaRlqwzh Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Hey everybody. I love you. Thank you so much for digging my special. I'm so happy, wild and free, which is the name of the special that you should check out on this YouTube page right now. See me live, punchup.com slash live Ian Fyadance for all my dates, punchup live, punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all hers and enjoy the show. You're going to love it. Thank you again. Bye bye. and enjoy the show. You're gonna love it. Thank you again. Bye bye. Now you know he likes it in the butt, so why ride when you're being Ian, being Ian? Life is shit but you're positive, let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian,

Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Jordan's in the bathroom getting her sweatpants off. Oh God. I thought we started this five fucking minutes ago. The wonderful Nathan McIntosh. Thanks for having me. I thought we were on. I said all the good stuff.

Say it again. Well, I don't know what it was, but we were cooking. I thought we really started. Am I crazy? Thanks for having me. Nathan McIntosh. Jesus Christ. I thought this was turned on like 10 minutes ago!

No! Was it? Buddy, remember the hot takes I had? I had so many hot takes. I know, let's set them up. Ready? Please. You need a shirt?

Oh yeah! You offered me two t-shirts and took both back. I took one back. You took one. No, but as soon as you gave me this one, you also said give me that back. As soon as you handed it in, I take the fucking shirt. You don't want it? Buddy, you don't want to give you also said, give me that back. As soon as you handed it to me, I'd take the fucking shirt. You don't want it? Buddy, you don't want to give it to me.

You took it back! You offered me a shirt. You offered me a shirt. But it's a good band from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, hardcore, choice to make. Did I tell you what happened to me and Wilkes-Barre? Oh, is this another one of your stories where you got a shirt on behind a dumpster? I blew a guy behind fucking Sizzler. Yes, that was a different story. And I felt like we connected it.

Then you pulled the gay little rug from hell underneath me. I kept trying to make that story so insane. And you were like, really? Uh huh. Yeah. No, this is a real story about Wilkes-Barre. Okay. Okay. Is he yelling too much?

Jordan, I apologize. You're in the bathroom. I'm trying. I thought, I want you to hear because he's screaming. Okay. I'll calm down. God, this is a real story about Wilkes-Barre. Seriously. Let's hear. I was doing a show there. That's in that casino. Wisecrackers. Thank you. Bombing maliciously. Everybody was bombing. Maliciously means with malice. They had malice towards me. Oh. And everybody bombed.

The host bombed, the feature bombed. And then I was up there not doing great. And there was like, like, Wilkes-Barre has massive. Ian, what the hell? What happened? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Jordan just saw Zinn. Jordan walks in and goes, I left. I lost my vape and I think it's a sign that I shouldn't do it.

Like, yeah, good for you. And she just saw a Zin and I heard her go, and there's a hardball in her mouth. Is everybody jacked on Zins? Is everybody Zin'd up? Everybody Zin'ing. I don't mean here. I don't mean here. I mean like in life.

Am I the only person not on Zin? I'm not. I'm on regular cigs. Hey, for my special. You want this? Yeah. It's a book. A box of masses. Are you gonna give this back? At the end of the episode.

I don't have a book of matches from my special and I apologize. Yeah. That's okay. Hey, do you want one? Did I give you one for my special? This is great. I'm happy and free. Did I give you one? I'm gonna put it in my thing. So can I, so can I, I'll just finish this stupid Wilkes-Barre story. Does this matter? Which, my drink? Oh, is that a good drink? No, I, I, I need it, but now I feel bad. I was just asking. You're not gonna give the lady a drink? No, I need it, but now I feel bad. I was just asking. You're not gonna give the lady a drink?

Do you need to have a whole, you just had a whole meal. You had a whole thing. No, no. No, she didn't. Those I'm allowed to drink though. You just ate a whole thing. I just watched you eat a whole salad. I just watched you have a whole salad in your sweatpants.

You're gonna come into my house, into our studio, and you're not gonna give her a drink of your milk? You took two t-shirts from me. Do you work out? I tried to. What do you do? Not like to. What do you do? Not like this. What do you do?

I, what I do? I, no, I don't want to. What is this? What do you do? Please don't, I don't know why you got a beef, why do you got a beef in front of me? This is just pure beef. Huh?

This is like a butcher shop window, which has happened to my face. Unbelievably ripped, George. What do you do? The reason, wow, one leg in love, this is insane. This is completely- What do you do? Are we going to work out? in one leg. This is insane. This is completely. What do you do? Are we going to work out? Oh, is this what we're going to do here? Is this the podcast?

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. I'm getting hurt. My workout consists of trying to finish stories on this podcast. And I do about like five to six reps. It takes sometimes it takes two to three times. You got to come back here a lot. Yeah. You cannot finish a story. What happened in Wilkes Booth? In John Wilkes Booth. OK. So for Ian, I was pounding John Wilkes Booth in the ass. OK. Behind. Oh, well, finally, we feel close.

Behind Sisley. Yeah. Not like that. Just looks like a Google. Would you just come from the gym? Is this what happened? And you're still fucking revved up, jacked? Am I the only comedian not on Zinn? First of all, first question.

You're not on Zinn and you ain't at the gym. So you need to make a change. Nate Zinn. Nate Zinn would be a great when I start getting your wrestler name. Nate Zinn. I come out with two packs thrown in the crowd. I make kids dip. Nathan Zinn would be a great... Nathan Zinn. Your wrestler name. Nathan Zinn. I come out with two packs thrown in the crowd.

I make kids dip. Like I jam it in their fucking little mouths. I love dip. Well, Zinn is basically dip, right? Am I crazy? No. Do you like Chal? Back up what you dip.

It's a dip. Do you like Redman Chal? Never, never, never been there. Buddy. How come... How is that allowed? So hardcore band from Wilkes-Barre. Okay, so Wilkes-Barre.

I'll tell you as quick as I can, I swear to God. So I did a show on Wilkes-Barre and it was very, very bad and there was a man in the crowd that was massive, like a big mountain man. He had a tiny little hat on his head. He audibly farted. Audibly. I farted in a new word yesterday. That is not so loud. And you know what I did? Not the same story. But I farted and then I just slapped everything in the car

to try and cover up the noise. I was like, and I was like, for stealing tears. And then this is the side of the chair. Did you use that voice? Yeah. Was it just you in the car? Okay, what happened with the fat man? No, it was just me. Did you know Trump has been farting in court?

Yeah, I saw that. And the news said... Do you know where his court is? Huh? Wisecrackers. What did he do? He farted in court and the news reported on it and goes, we're getting word from reliable sources that the former president is farting in court and it has become very stinky around him. This is a real thing. You didn't hear the story?

You're not telling the truth. No, no, no. This is serious. You're not telling the truth. I'm serious. And it's very stinky around him. Nobody's fucking around. His lawyers are like, we don't even know what to do. They can't stand near him. That's a serious thing. No way. Isn't it kind of crazy?

We haven't figured another word for farting. Isn Is there another word for farting? Passing gas. Yeah. But don't you think they would say that about the former president? Yeah, they did. They said the word fart. And they said stinky. I'm voting for him. It's becoming stinky. The reasons that people say they're going to vote for this man are truly disgraceful. We're going to be eaten. That courtroom though is in Wisecrackers Wilkes-Barre P.A. It's randomly enough. Oh, here we go. He was the one that OK. Did you know what they said afterwards? They said E.G.

Carroll called Doornob before he called safety more at six. I miss that. I apologize. You know, safety in Doornob. E.G. E.G. Carroll is a woman. Yeah, supposedly right. Bergdorf Goodman. Who, who, her story is he raped her in a change room. In a change room at the height of his fame and it's like. His fame, the height of his fame has always been. It's been forever. Yeah. You can't. You think he art her?

You already said the word. What are you gonna, what are you gonna, what are you gonna go, what are you gonna do here? Who raped who? He said something bad is gonna happen in this change room. Wait, so what happened to James Wilkes Booth? What happened in Wilkes Booth? So there's a man in the crowd. He was massive. And I don't mean. I thought you guys say massacred.

That's good. Wildly beating off. And I said, sir, come on. And now it's a crowd where clip and it has two and a half trillion views. All my tour dates are right behind it. I'm kidding. No, the guy, he had a small little hat on. He had a small little hat on. He audibly with the tiny hat. Move on. That's how big he was. He was so big that his hat was so small.

So he got broken up with because of a man in a tiny place. But he audibly farted and like Trump, people laughed. The whole crowd died. That's what they wanted. And I looked at him, I go, come on, man. And he goes and crushed again. So I just bombed for a half hour. Wait, somebody farted in your audience. Yes, audibly.

What? What? What? What? What? What? What kind of fart? Yeah. Why was there a space in which somebody could fart? I had to go, I have a. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah, well. Why was there a space in which somebody could fart? I have a question. Why was there a space in which somebody could fart? What are you talking about?

Should I just talk? You scream the whole time. How do you? You can't stop. Screaming doesn't stop farting. I can't talk a guy to not fuck fucking shit himself. You can't over talk a person's body function. You're telling me.

You were doing this. You were like, AI is really stupid. And somebody ripped ass went. Jordan, specials called down with tech. Thank you for bringing it up. Secondly, the guy I was not doing great. Wait, what guy? Did he have a little hat?

A tiny hat. Pitch a Donkey Kong in a construction hat. Like legitimately, just a tiny little hat. He was huge. He, they didn't want jokes about AI. They wanted farts. When he farted, they died. They loved it. The crowd was like, oh, my God, finally somebody did it. And I and I go, buddy, what the fuck? I go, come on. And he he just shrugged and killed again.

There's a clip online of me with somebody farting in the front row. What happened there? You didn't use your fucking powers of speech to talk over that. I was very depressed and I was going and I was like, yeah. So why couldn't I get the same grace? Why couldn't I get that grace? You you blamed me. You blame me. You're right. I did.

You looked right in my face and said, I'm the reason a man should show himself. You looked right at me, Jordan. Is it because I don't go to the gym as much as you? Did you fart from your did he farted back? Did he fart from your mouth? You know what? It was it was called. It was for me that first video called Fart Work. And I was I farted back? Did he fart from your mouth? You know what it was it was called it was the first video called fart work And I was I farted at the fart and then we both

I ended a set at new york comedy club farting into the microphone. I go and another thing You did not you did not Which microphone did you do you still own that or you left it? The host had to use it. Who was hosting? Did you do that? Actually, you didn't do it. Yeah. I to use it. Who was hosting? Did you do that actually? You didn't do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear to God. Why?

Was the show going bad or what happened? Oh, it was terrible. All that shows, there's farting involved. This show was bad in Wilkes-Barre. They didn't, they weren't, it was not fun. Great family that runs Wisecrackers. Yeah, nice people. Nick?

Nice people. I don't blame them for it. This giant man needed to fucking- Did you go to the diner car by there? Why are you looking at me? Can only speak in two words at a time. Why are you looking at me? Diner car. But you did that by there.

Did you go to the diner car? I don't know what that means. Is it a diner around there? Diner right by. I ate in the buffet in the casino and watched a man bleeding from his arm. Reach for potatoes, actively bleeding, arm open. And I went, I'm done. I'm good. Did you ask how he got cut?

Yeah, that's exactly what I did. I walked up to a guy in a casino bleeding and I went, buddy, what happened? He's dying. He's old. He's dying. He's decrepit. He shouldn't be there. You know what I saw the other day? Cut his hand on the slot machine. Their skin just comes off. You know what I saw the other day? Cut his hand on the slot machine. Their skin just comes off. You know what I saw the other day?

A guy just a dog is like paper. You saw an elderly person shed their young skin like a snake. Yeah, it sloughs off. My dog the other day was playing with this old guy and he was like, oh, she cut me. And I was like, that's because you're 100 years old. Your paper. Yeah.

Every every episode you come in with a new story about something your dog does to the other person is somehow in the wrong. He didn't do anything. Oh, I love your dog. Your dog caught me. Your dog is great. I love little dogs. She's the mid medium. Do you still a baby girl? Yeah, baby dog. Baby dog.

She's fucking going blind. It sucks. Oh, I looked into getting cataract surgery. You guys want to take a guess? $13,972 that's also not bad. Wow. It's about seven to ten thousand each eye. Yeah, that was pretty good I would that was fucking good. You would how old is she? She's like 13 No, I don't I get it Yeah, I'm gonna go home and snap her neck tonight. I want to see if she if she bumps into one more wall, I'll break her in half.

Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that. Yeah, she does. She does. It's not. But she's getting she's getting better at the house. She's good. And even walking her, it's longer now, but it's fine. You know what I mean? But she's old. It's she does. She doesn't do that. I You know what I mean? But she's old. It's a she does. She doesn't do that. I would have to shut her off if she did that.

If she did that, I'd open the window and just. There you go. That's really there you go with your little hat. Hey, let's play impersonation game. You impersonate Eric Clapton's son. You know, you get OK, good. Come on. That was fun. Jordan, those dead eyes alive

You guys don't each have your own slide whistle just one these share I bought a slide whistle can I use it Can I use it? I Was kidding I don't want you know, but you guys have your own that's good. Mm-hmm We did I'm not gonna take this but by the way, and I appreciate the judge I don't want it. You can have it. You're not gonna give it. You're not gonna give it You don't want to give it to me. I'm having going to take this, but by the way, and I appreciate the gesture. You don't want it. You can have it. You're not going to give it. You're not going to give it. You don't want to give it to me. I'm having a hard time letting go of it. I would wear it. He would not wear it because it's not long and it doesn't make him look like he's in The Matrix. I love The Matrix. I wouldn't wear it because it's a graphic tee and also I would wear it to bed.

That's not a graphic tee. How is it not a graphic tee? You know who he would look like in it? Who? What's that kid's name who wears graphic te T's? It's friends with Jack Matt. Matt, who? What's back? Is back? Is this? Oh, yeah, it is a map back.

If you were that, you look like Matt Backus. Well, but that's how do I forget Matt Backus? I forget people's names. That's a good shirt. So it is a good shirt. You ever say somebody's first name and because you don't match it with the second last name, you completely lose the person altogether? No.

You never do that? Say it again. Like if, so it's like, if I said Nathan McIntosh, but if I just said Nathan and then somebody's like, who? I'd be like. Lane. You know what I mean? I couldn't get the last,

because I didn't clump it together. I used to do shows with him in Toronto. We're both from Canada. For you? Really? You didn't feel Canada. Really? Yeah. He did stand up? He did for a little bit. Was he funny?

He is funny. He is supremely funny, but I just don't know how he would translate this. I couldn't picture him doing stand up. His stand up, and this isn't a knock at all because he's very, very fucking funny. It was very alternative. So he would do like really interesting fucking things.

But no, he was always funny. The guy's hilarious. Brilliantly dry. I'm gonna bring him in. He's here with me. Come on in. Yeah. Nathan, for you.

He has a tiny hat on. Audibly farts and leaves. Just shits himself and walks out. Can you guys tell me more about Trump fart? He farts in court. He's full of fucking McDonald's breakfast sandwiches. He passes out in the courtroom and he farts. He farts in his sleep like a pug.

No, seriously, this is loud. This is a real story. I don't know. Do you believe it, though, because I hear these stories. Do you believe it, dude? For a newscaster to say it is stinky around the former president too is so funny to me. They use that word to love him. You got him. Biden both can't control their bells.

Did Biden poop his pants? How is he not? That was reported on two. He shit in the helicopter. No he did not. He shit in the helicopter. He shit in Air Force 1A. That's what they call the helicopter.

He shit in it? Now they call it 1T, toilet. Air Force 1 toilet. He shit in the helicopter. Air Force 1 too. one T, toilet. Air Force One toilet. He shit in the helicopter. Air Force One two. He shit, yes. Air Force number two. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

He did. They were flying him, I think, from the Rose Garden to just like a random street in Washington for like a sandwich or something. And he shit in the air. Do you have a vape in your pocket? Do you want one? Yeah. I don't vape. No, I don't vape. No, I don't. I don't vape. I don't know what happened there. I don't know why she looked at it. I left mine at the gym, I don't. I don't vape. I don't know what happened there.

I don't know why she looked at the gym and I and she's feening. And they broke it in half. You know that, right? They put it under a weight, lifted it and let it go. You should smoke a cigarette. You would like it down here. Light it up. Why not? Let's go. Let's have one. No, but let's go. I haven't I haven't smelled a cigarette in a room in years.

I'm I would love to remember my childhood. That's my childhood. Please don't do it. No, I'm against it. Ethan, please help. You can go upstairs and leave me alone with Nathan. I was so close to having a smoke. Yeah, I fought for you, but I don't want it either

now that I'm being serious. But anyways, he shit on the helicopter. He did. They didn't really talk about that one as much, but do you believe the Trump- Well, you know the liberal media. They're not gonna cover that. Oh, they're so fucking biased. You know what I mean? You remember that bridge that fell down?

Biden's America. They do you believe the Trump shitting himself fart story chart? I believe he farted. Yeah, yeah, me too. I don't believe the Biden shit helicopter story. We were making it up. I get a cigarette, dude. Gullible galley over here. That deserves a smoke. No, don't. Let's do Sudoku. Let's do it. Light it up like the Sudoku and smoke it. Yeah, you can light the Sudoku. Enjoy my Sudoku puzzles in the morning.

And then this one has an X for wrong. How do you do Sudoku? It's really fun. What do you do, actually? I don't know either. How do you do it? You have to have each number in a three by three square and that number cannot be repeated in the square. And you have to have numbers one through nine

in this big square, numbers one through nine in this way. I don't know what you're saying. Jordan, let me ask you a question. Do you have to erase a lot? In all seriousness, I try to tell a story about a man, I'm gonna ultimately farting in the crowd. You cut me off every which way, but Sunday, this guy literally just starts talking about

the inner workings of Sudoku, and we allowed this. Now is this what we- Because I dissociated. I did too. No. I honestly checked out. I fell asleep. I lost what was happening.

No, it's because you have my back. No, I fell asleep in my head. I don't understand Sudoku either. And I lay out smile. I'm addicted to Monday crossword puzzle. But boy howdy. Does it get harder as the week goes on. I've heard this. The New York Times one? Yeah.

Was Monday easiest? Sunday's crazy. There are times when they start you easy. Because it's Monday and they don't want to beat your fucking head in. And then Sunday's like, get your kids, get your wife. You're going to have to get everybody on board here. How do you husband, how do you wife, everybody? Yeah, totally.

Am I the only one? Did you just totally disassociate while you were? Why am I so out of it? I've been out of it. Your mind is on protein. Earlier today too I was like, You need reps. You know what?

Your brain is probably like just, you need to shake your head. I was like, I can't feel it. I don't know. Yeah. That looks dangerous. Oh, that felt good.

That didn't look good at all. It looks like, I was just scared for your neck. I'm not kidding. It looked like you were going pretty violent. Are you feeling better now? Yeah. I think we're all at the point in our lives where nobody should do that to our necks. I know, I'm not kidding. It looks like it's going pretty violent. Are you feeling better now? I think we're all at the point in our lives where nobody should do that to our necks. Your vertebrae will just shatter.

I don't want to. Yeah, you do. I have in years. The last time I went on a roller coaster was like 2015. But my friend and he's working at Disney World, so I went down, visited him. It was great. Those laces you got in your shoes? Ropes? Well, yeah, I'm from a nautical place. What? Oh, if you went to-

Oh, you're a nautical guy? Well, Halifax, Nova Scotia, that's where I'm from. So these are, you know what I mean? If you went to jail, they'd take those off in a heartbeat. Well, I would take them off. Those are real kill yourself ropes. Of course. They make me take my laces off.

I can't hang myself with this. Yeah, this is- You can. No, you can't. You can definitely. Yeah, that's where they take them. Yeah, this is no, you can't. You can definitely. Yeah, that's where they take them. Yeah, if I went to jail today, yeah, they're taking them for sure. Oh my God.

You can only buy these in Halifax, these shoes. What's Halifax? Halifax, Nova Scotia. Halifax, Nova Scotia. Halifax, Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia. Have you seen Lorraine from MAD You know, now TV or SNL choose. What what what decade?

They each have a great, great, great, great, great sketches, though. Great, great, great in living color. Only because Jim Carrey was on it. Yeah, my dad used to let me watch it. I was in a traveling improv troupe. Yes. Call the Jim Carrey was on it. Yep, my dad used to let me watch it. I was in a traveling improv troop. Yes, called the Jim Carries. And we traveled northern Ontario for years and years and years. We only did we were there was five of us.

We were called the Jim Carries. I was me, myself. And what was that movie called? Irene. I was going to say that, but I was like, is that right? But of course it was. I was in the troop. So I was I was me, myself and Irene. My friend was the mask. Somebody I was like, is that right? But of course it was, I was in the troupe. So I was me, myself, and Irene. My friend was the mask. Somebody else was Dumb and Dumber.

Who was Ace Ventura? This guy named Ted, and he was really good. He would do the entire movie by himself. Like he'd kick a box that wasn't there. He was the guy at the door. He did the whole thing, dude. Dan Marino, he'd be like. You're a no-dispent-ura.

He had isotoners. The beginning of Ace Ventura, no joke, when he's kicking the box down the street might be one of the greatest fucking things that's ever been recorded. It's so stupid. Funny as a kid, when she rips his pants off and she's blowing them, I didn't know what was going on. I just thought she's having a hard time getting his pants off. I didn't know what was happening either.

Just sucking them. Yeah, I had no idea what was happening. When Lois Einhorn showed her butt at the end and her cock was tucked back, I just thought she had big hemorrhoids. I didn't know what that was. Oh, totally, totally big hemorrhoids. That's what I thought too. Finkel and Einhorn.

But I didn't know that was, they really unlocked the thing inside me. Yeah, because you do that a lot when nobody asks you to. Yeah, you tuck. You loved it, Tuck. I love tuck. Is that a true thing? If you to. Yeah, you tuck. You loved it. Tuck. I love to go in your room and the man, Jina, if you go in your room and the door closes slightly, I know you're coming out because it's funny. My boys coming out. Walk out naked. Tucked. Yeah, I go.

I go. Where did it go? That's how we ended every show at the Jim Carrey's in with the last one. And you tuck good night, and you tuck and bow. The last one was in Orangeville, Ontario, and we ended with that, all five of us. The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura, Me, Myself, and Irene, and Liar and Liar. Oh, I basically talked to that guy.

Sorry, I tucked it too hard. And I found a seed. You do have to. You do have to come on this podcast a lot to finish one story, which I like. I want to do this. A great time. What did you fart on? I hope you guys are having a good time. I farted at him. I told you I farted at him.

Put that back. Leave the seed out of this. Leave him alone. You ain't hurting nobody. You upheavin' him from once he came, dragging him into this crazy conversation. What was he doing? Oh, he ain't done nothing.

You took your own sack back. He ain't done nothing to do with it. What happened with the fart? Buddy, I mean, you know, it happened. The thing happened. It just happened. And did you finish your set? Yeah. What are you going to do? Leave? Who am I? Liberace?

I can't fucking walk away. Wouldn't that be nice if you could just. There's so many times I want to walk away. I've heard of stories of people walking away. That sounds amazing. I've heard of stories of people walking away. That sounds amazing. Really? I've heard of bookers running out to cars being like, you're supposed to do an hour. And somebody did five because they wanted they just were like, I'm done.

You want we know? Yeah. People know. Yeah. Oh, I can't. I can't. Come on. No, it's not. It's not my bring the seed back out. I'll tell the seed. Oh, no, I lost the seed. Seedy, Seedy, Seedy boy. Leave him alone. When was the last time, Jordan, you were on stage and you were like,

I want to walk away from this. What city? What where was it? Nice to go. New York. Allie Fishburne booked me on a show full of rich kids with no pants on, just little mini skirts. Oh, and I ended up mounting a man in the front row. Because like this, like you did over here. Yeah. But with one leg up.

And where was that? Was it one of the is that that kitchen show? No, it's called like Freehand Freehold. No, not it was in Manhattan, but it sounds like Freehold. OK, OK. It's not upstairs in an apartment. No big fancy place. Freehold. And I went up on stage and I went, no, and I went and I did one joke and they clammed up and I was like,

I don't want to be here. I want to walk off right now. As soon as I felt the vibe that they were all like, do you? This is a real question. Do you think rich people deserve comedy? I think everyone deserves comedy. Shut up, Jordan. I think rich people deserve comedy.

It depends on how they got rich. There we go. Now we're talking. Yeah. So so if they were born rich kids, fuck yourself. Thank you. If they were born rich, they deserve nothing. You don't deserve anything. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. You have that outfit on and you're in that place. I should not have to perform in front of you. Absolutely. Yeah. I remember during the pandemic and doing Soho Playhouse

and the comedians had to wear the mask of you. Absolutely. Yeah. I remember during the pandemic and doing Soho Playhouse and the comedians had to wear the mask. Oh, that was crazy. Yeah. And they got to be unmasked. That was that was a real walk in and be like, this is the dumbest shit. Never saw that. Wasn't that crazy?

I never, I never saw that. Sloan being there and it was it was McCalla booked the show, Dulce, and we all had to wear masks. It was crazy. Yeah. We would walk up and be like, this is crazy. And then we'd step off stage and take I was in the and it was it was McCalla book, the show, and we all had to wear masks. It was crazy. Yeah, we would walk up and be like, this is great. And then we'd step off stage and take them off.

And I ate so much of their food. I don't think I am. You never wore one over. I wore them. We're busy during the pandemic buttering salmon. I did buttering your you put so much butter. I love butter in Sam. Is that a true thing? I love butter almost salmon I used to make a salmon dinners mmm, it's delicious Yeah with delicious

Spring beans green beans Hey everybody, you've heard it here breaking a bad habit can feel like trying to climb Mount Everest in flip flops. Mm, difficult. Use fume instead of being bad for you. Fume is good and makes replacing that hand to mouth habit easy. Which habit? Comes with an adjustable airflow dial, movable parts and magnets you can fidget with

to release some of that nervous energy. Start the year off right, well, this is outdated. Why don't you just start today outright with the good habit by going to try fume.com slash ska and getting the journey pack today. Fume is giving our listeners, you guys, 10% off when they use the code SKA to help make starting the good habit that much easier. That's tryfume.com slash SKA code SKA. T-R-Y-F-U-M dot com slash SKA. Use the code SKA for 10% off on getting

that habit kickstarted today to go away. Bye bye. What did you do at the gym today? Squats? Act. Arms. Retarded. Like that?

No, I did boxing. Oh, a little blood came out. Are you on your period? Yeah. I went to a boxing class and I was like, I'm going to go to a boxing class. boxing. Oh, a little blood came out. Are you on your period? Yeah. I went to a boxing class for a while and I sprained my foot. Is this real? You've got your period now.

Is this a migral situation? I have pads for you upstairs. You need any? Bring them down here, man. No, I got some sponsored. Does this podcast have sponsored pads? Because that's crazy. You don't have you don't have Jordan pads. Give me I want period candies to sponsor me. I love them. They're a diaper.

Think that's a good idea. Thanks. No, no. Things has bad things in it. Period. What does that what do they have bad? Chemicals that give you cancer, like the things that are in water. Why does every single fucking thing have to fucking give us cancer? That's what I'm saying. Underwear, I bleed into.

Why are all of our cousins autistic? I don't get it anymore. Good for you, RFK. That's a good question. Question. Why are my why? I have an autistic cousin, do you? Yeah, really? Do you? My whole family either got a cousin,

a cousin hooked on fentanyl. What's the last kid out? And then my mom, my mom went fully and then the rest of everybody. It's uh, Went full autos. They're all computer programmers now and it's it's pretty sad going home. Actually. Really are they? The room's pretty dark and it's a lot of honking And uh honking. Yeah a lot of honking and banging. Honk honk. No more like guttural like

Yeah, Really? You've got like moaners. Top to bottom. Yo, what if you have moaners? Well, I would call them honkers. Do they make noises like that that that parrot guy from South Park? No, remember that guy? I know what you mean. Yeah.

Yeah, that's like a name sky vor. This is what my family sounds like. That's like a, yeah. What was his name, Skybor? Is this what my family sounds like? He just made up a. Eee, eee. That's a lot of that. Yeah, that's fun. Eee. That's fun.

You know when you go to the bathroom and the second you get in there, it's peace from your family and you hear, where's Jordan? You know that? No, nobody asks. You don't have that? No, my family's much different than my family.

Oh my God, I walk in there. Nobody in his family asks where Jordan is. You don't have that? But, uh, they, no, they don't, they don't. But I'm hog that. But they know they don't. They don't. I went to I went to a boxing class for a little bit and sprained my foot doing the Ollie shuffle. It's disgusting. Really? Yeah, seriously. You didn't have chucks on that.

You got to wear chucks. No, I didn't. I had. Oh, you were wearing your boat rope shoes. Do do do do do do do. Does that happen? I don't have an odor. Yeah, I don't have stinky feet. Does that happen? We get in there, odor. Yeah, I don't have stinky feet. Does that happen in there, though? Oh, it's worse than this happened a lot.

They smell each other. He smells me. Is that the truth? I don't want to. But I mean, is this thing you guys do? The last time I was here, the last time I was here, that didn't. I don't think that happened.

We've evolved. I miss that. Yeah, you've gone full. I smell fine. It's just season five. I wear women's deodorant. Yeah. Which one? Secret. Secret. That's a good one. The commercials are fun. The secret is it's for men. It flies around the world. And then a woman like does this. Yeah. Do you guys, so the last time, but that's I, yeah, cool. Huh? You guys smell each other. That's good. Why wouldn't you? It's just me because I smell bad all the time. Why do you do that? I guess I forget. Poor hygiene.

Thank you. So do you want, we should still try to get this sponsorship in all seriousness. If you're going to bleed on the podcast, you should have, you should be sponsored by pads or some sort of underwear. Puppy pads? Are there jeans you can bleed into? I'm not pointing at you. I'm saying like, are they like a Levi's period?

Dude, that's a great idea. Whoa. Wranglers you can bleed into. A woman on a horse. She's on a horse. And she just makes. Pops her hymen. Yes.

She loses her virginity in the saddle. Because of the saddle. Because that happens a lot. I've heard of this. That's how my mom lost her virginity. That's how John Wayne. That's not virginity. That's just breaking your hymen.

That's how my mom lost her hymen. That's what we consider virginity. Pops her hymen. That's not virginity. That's just breaking your hymen. That's what we consider. For him and on a horse. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Later. Like that scene in the. Yeah.

No, I know a lot of these stories, though, in all seriousness. Like my mom. Other people have lost their fucking busted their goddamn hymens. I was so happy. Every word for that is gross, by the way. Cherries their goddamn hymens. I was so happy. Every word for that is gross, by the way. Cherries gross, hymens gross. I hate when people say cherry.

Even in a movie when somebody says pop your cherry, I'm like, can you please stop? Yeah, it's really bad. It's disgusting. I hate when people say they're trying to be pregnant. We were at our singer's house in high school for the Ska Band. And they had he had a sister that was a year older than me and we had crushes on each other but nothing ever happened. And I was leaving there was a thing of maraschino

cherries and I go to our trumpet player and I go, hey do you think I could take a cherry? And he goes, as long as it's not his sister. And I go, does she keep cherries in her room? I didn't understand. I didn't know what these things were. What's wrong? Yes? What happened? I was holding know what these things were. What's wrong? Yes? What happened? I was holding the mic odd. Oh, wrong. Don't do that.

So there's no jeans you can just bleed into though. I bleed into all my jeans if they're dark enough wash. But no, there's none that doesn't stain. This is the commercial. I bleed into all my jeans. And then Wranglers goes, are you tired of? They go, stop. Yeah, are you tired of bleeding?

Don't do that anymore. You're tired of bleeding into your own denims? Are you tired of doing this? This stop. Don't do that anymore. Are you tired of doing this? This is what I do all the time. To see if it's stained. True? The audience does that too. We should make jeans with mirrors on the bottom of them so you can see. Actually, this is a great idea.

I would just mirror all floors everywhere. I use the period panties and bleed into them, but the problem is it does, I will say this, it gets a little squishy. Makes sense. It doesn't just go into... What do you mean it gets squishy? It gets a little slushy. Yeah, it gets a little warm.

Can I say a thing? Oh, squeegee. Can I say a stupid thing here? Can I say a stupid thing here? There's no stupid things in this space. Thanks, man. They're all there. 100% stupid.

Therefore, there's no stupid. Get that seed back out. Yeah. The people think that like men and people women think that men don't like women when people when women talk about their periods, it's kind of blood in general. You know what I mean? And it definitely when you say that blood is is losing from my slushy. What happened here?

She's just added more things. Are you going to bite me? Am I? I talk about are you going to bite me? Or is this because you're trying not to bite me? You know, it's very aggressive. When a black girl is going to fight, she puts her hair up. And you know, Jordan's going to fight when she puts her braces on. Just black women that do that.

I don't think, is it? I don't think so. What was this? Was it Invisalign time? Yeah. It just clicked into your head? I found it in my pocket. Okay. Where's your babe? Maybe check for that. You're gonna find it. Am I... I asked you guys this 26 minutes ago. Am I the only comedian...

What? No! Would the guy has ever farted during his show? He absolutely did. I swear to God that's real. I'm not fucking around. The last time I was here, yes. I tricked you into making you believe that I blew a guy behind Sisler 100%. What if the one thing he was lying about was there was no tiny hat? Yeah.

You, Chad. He had a 10 gallon hat covered his eyes. He was like a Roger Rabbit character. No, that happened, but. One time I walked onto a train with a guy I'm currently dating and he breaks up with me all the time. This guy? I know that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah all the time this guy I know that guy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you talked about the guy. Sorry. Yeah, and then I walked we walked on the train

There was a there was a big homeless man with a tiny little helmet bicycle helmet on and he said The guy who I'm seeing said safety first and I started laughing so hard that I couldn't catch my breath for a long time And then I kept laughing I couldn't get together and then we stepped off the train and he said, I don't want to see you anymore. Oh, my God. Because he you enjoyed his joke. I was hysterical. Were you bleeding the whole time? I believe that all the time every day.

So period sex pro or against? Against. Really? Yeah. Fats. The smell of it. No. I've done it.

I one time, this is a true story. I swear to God, college, college. I had a college handprint on my wall in college. College. I I do what you do with a lady with my face. I go to the bathroom and I turn on the light. And I and I had to go. I had to literally go. I can't make any sort of no, like I can't do anything here.

You know what I mean? Except for, oh, I washed my face violently and then just went back in and pretended. Why? It's just blood. Oh, just go to bed with blood in my head. Yep, mine as well. Mine's going to bed with blood all over my face. It's cool. It's not cool, pal.

It's cool. Would you suck a man's bleeding dick? You pass out whenever you see blood from anywhere else. It's not vagina blood. So what is the difference? It's still blood. I would argue- I swallow a man's disgusting cum all the time.

Hoopsed among us hasn't! Is it blood? Hilarious, I have it. What'd you say? I said hoopsed among us hasn't. You've never tasted your own cum? No. Is it-'t you never tasted your own cum. No, is it is it is it you've never tasted? Is it blood filled?

Blood is a different deal. You know what comes out of a woman's business? It's not her blood. It's not. Sorry. What if he goes to the side? But Ian, come, come. Come, come, come straight from the tap. He's not a button. He had come from a man's dick. Come, come, come straight from the death.

Reginald's come. I'd like to Derek Seaman specifically. Quit naming our friends. Because you said Reginald doesn't mean I know you don't mean Reggie. That's hilarious. Reginald. Well, I know you don't mean Reggie. Oh, that's hilarious. Reginald! Whoa, this guy's got weight to it. Dude. Yeah, it does. We noticed that the other night.

I brought my mom down here. What is this? What is that? Marcel the shell. Shell. Marcel the shell. Marcel the shell. I don't want to touch this because I feel weird.

What is it? What is it? It's Marcel the shell. That does have fucking weight to it. Have you ever seen it? Somebody makes these? Gives them to you? That's pretty cool. This show that does have fucking weight to it Somebody makes these gives them to you. That's pretty cool. No, it's a video. It's a famous video Marcel the show Do you drown every time you get your period cuz you're so tiny? There's blood is this a thing come the man's come Donald Trump today in court drank his own cum.

Did he fart? In front of everybody. He did. I need to see it. I think I need to pull it up on the screen. They don't have the court. There's no sound of it. It's just a recap.

But that was us. The newscaster legit said the former president has been farting. Putrid. And it's very stinky around him. Some say putrid. Yeah. That's actual news that newscasters. That's so great. Our country is.

Am I the only comedian not on Zin? He's not. I'm not sick, dude. You're the only comedian not on nicotine. There goes that premise. No, I was wondering. You smoke weed. Everybody's like twice a year. It feels like everybody's jacked on Zin or Adderall. What happens when you smoke weed? I fall down. I call people.

You fall down. I can't be... Here we go! The upper down! Goop baa gada goop goop! No! No! Ian, no!

There was no reason for that. Yeah, there was. I didn't have a punch line. Do you want to sit over here? I'll move. Don't smell. Just go. Don't breathe in. Okay, yeah. Don't breathe in. Yeah, there was I didn't have a punch line. Do you want to sit over here?

Okay Come on man, I'm tired man. We're trying to do a podcast here. Yeah, and monster You can't fart dude your farts are fucked up they're not in this moment They are as soon as I as soon as youed, I smelled it. It was a release valve. It was why would you, why would you, why would you shave yourself on your own show? Shave myself? Shit. Oh shit. I didn't. It doesn't tell the listeners and viewers at home. It does not smell. It was just a noise. Go down on a period soaked woman or smell Ian farting? Hold on. Look at me before you make a decision. Don't fart again, man. Come on. This is a society.

This is a society of rules. I have to. It's a society. You're right. But we're trying to uphold the last two we have. Don't fart on podcasts. I won't. I won't. I did need to lay down. Thank you. I find eating out a woman to be the most disgusting thing somebody could possibly do. So I would never do it.

Why is this so funny? This is what's so funny is that I think a lot of women would say this, right. But then when it comes to a man, they're like, well, you should do it while it's covered in blood. It's like it's not a fiesta. I don't think you should eat out a woman on her period. That's disgusting. You just said it was gay if you don't. Yeah, you literally called me gay.

No, I said sex. No, no, no, you called me gay. I said no. Right over here. No, she said this. She did. She called me gay. You sounded like a Mountain Dew can right over here.

No, I said fat. Oh, ba. And I didn't finish the- Fart over it. Fart noise over the- No, no, no, don't actually, I, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,, you know, this has really devolved into a, you said we were evolving. Listen to me. Huh? I said that sex, you stick your stupid dick into a woman on her period, right?

No. Your dick is stupid and doesn't care. It doesn't have eyes. It doesn't have eyes. I have eyes. I have noses. I have eyes. I care. Your dick getting blood on it is a problem. It's disgusting. I don't want blood on me at all. I don't want blood on your little dipstick. I don't want blood on my dick. When you're on your period, it doesn't mean that we can't snuggle snuggle love love, but I don't want to have sex because...

You don't have sex on a woman's inner period. You wait a week. The smell. You wait a week. I don't like the smell of blood. I can't get hard. I wait two weeks to make sure it's gone. Yes.

I might wait three. Yeah. I might wait till it comes back. I might wait day before it comes back. Just so I know for a hundred percent fact, it's been out of here. No, I don't. I'm not, I have been there.

We've all been there, but I don't want, I don't actively want to do it. So when your girlfriend has her period. See you Tuesday. Really? Buddy, if I know, if I know, I'm not gonna jam my, I don't wanna like, blood is not a party. It's not cool, man. This is why people walking down the street

actively bleeding from their heads, we would tell them to go home. Who wouldn't fuck their head? I Wouldn't fuck their head Just grabbing a guy pounding In fucking human, I'm sorry you guys break every month It feels better when you fuck it out is it cuz you're more is there more is more lube. No you know because you're more

Your your nerve endings are more like open, but also it feels like somebody's sticking a plunger in there and getting it all out Oh, so then you're using us. Oh, so why don't you just fuck yourself with a dildo? Fucking citizens you don't have a dildo. I don't use a vibrator or a dildo. What do you do? Do you stare? I don't masturbate. I believe it. You just look at a wall. I believe you do this and you just will your pussy to move. Yeah. Wait, when I'm having sex? No, when you're masturbating. I don't masturbate. You don't? Ever. That explains so much. What are we doing? Ian, what are we doing here? Why don't you masturbate? Is this even a thing that's real? You don't do that. What are we doing here? Why don't you mess even a thing? That's real You don't do that. What do you just put your retainer in it?

Vagina you don't even touch your own. I have sex with with but do you come when you touch yourself? You're allowed not to I'm just curious. I've never heard this. I don't need to because I have sex. No, that's no come on No, I remember you remember these guys that we used to say this like I don't jerk off, dude I just fuck women you go grow up. Yeah, your girlfriend doesn't jerk off Excuse me collar. I Don't have to I know she does and I hope she does by the way, I hope she does Please when you're gone, she needs when you're on the road and you're alone. You don't jerk off Do you think that I want my girlfriend to only no?

And you're alone you don't jerk off. Do you think that I want my girlfriend to only know? Beat off and would you get mad? Boyfriend about it. Would you get mad if your boyfriend you found out he watched porn? No, I know he watches porn. Okay good Yeah, my other girlfriend like that years ago. That's insane insanity. Well, they go it's she was like is kinda like cheating I hate it. I hate it. I'm not a fan either. Wait of him watching it or porn? I hate that he watches that he watches. Oh god. No Why because it's kind of like cheating We just talked about how the women that do that are fucking horrible. Do you go, wait, I'm also horrible. But it's because I will.

Do you want to know the real reason? Yes. No, we want to know the fake lie. OK, because. Because I I want I I actually do think that porn is a bad thing. I do, too. For intimacy. It is. Yeah. Can I tell you this real quick? And this is serious. thing. I do too. For intimacy. It is. Yeah. Can I tell you this real quick? And this is serious.

I'm listening. A few years ago, I quit porn for seven months because I found myself in Hartford, Connecticut after watching the worst thing I've ever seen. And I was like, I have to change my life. I didn't watch porn for seven straight months. And my girlfriend did legitimately tell me that I was more present with her

when we were having sex, legit. I agree with this. But you- Now what was the thing that you saw that made you turn away? I've been talking about this on stage, so I'll just say- I haven't heard it. Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying it in general of like,

you don't wanna do, you know what I mean? It was a video of a woman, triple anal, and I was like, as soon as I came, I went, I, what the fuck are we doing? Like three men have their dicks stacked. I don't even look at that. And I'm a filthy pervert. I went for, I went, it was, wow. Hey, pal. You don't think it is until you see the video and you go, what tiny dicks we know.

Hold on. Let me guess. Adriana Chechik? No. You know what's so funny? Naomi Russell. The second person to ask me if it was Adriana Chechik. John Michaels. It wasn't. I don't know the woman's name in all seriousness. It wasn't, it wasn't.

How dare you? I don't feel it was, you're right. She went through that work and he can't celebrate her by name. I sent her fucking Christmas gifts. I went to her website. I bought her flowers. Thanks for helping me come. Jordan's gone.

Jordan's gonna go pad it up. Jordan I have to leave in two minutes. Meanwhile she comes out, she's just got my cat in her underwear. It's all I could find. Beaver Pelt helps. I'm telling you man, period wranglers. Period wranglers. Before I get out of here, can I say this again real quick and I apologize?

Yes. If anybody would like to please check out my new special on YouTube, it's called Down with Tech. Yes. It's all about tech. Yeah out my new special on YouTube. It's called Down with Tech. Yes. It's all about tech. Yeah. That's it. That's all.

Thank you. I've seen you work it out. It's incredible. Thanks, man. I appreciate you. Congrats on yours, buddy. Thank you, bro. This is great.

Ian Fideyntz, Wild, Happy and Free. Am I in frame, Ethan? No, that's such a perfect way to promote wild and free. Not even in the shot. No, no. The name of it is Ian Fideyant's Wild Happy and Free Am I in the Frame? Ethan. Like how Birdman is called Birdman? The inequity of whatever?

Am I in the frame? Ethan! Or Ethan, sorry. That's so fucking stupid. Woo! How would you like it if your girlfriend was jerking off to a big strong man with a huge cock? Great. Enjoy it.

Why? Because I don't care. Enjoy yourself. Jordan, here's the thing. Feel good. I walk this earth every day. You can't always wanna fuck me, it's impossible. And every day I leave my house and she would say the same,

I see women out there that I would literally, literally kill people for. There's some women out there, I'm like, I would eat this woman's shoes. And I have to pretend that she doesn't exist? I can't. I live on this earth, I pay tax. And if somebody goes, I only think of you

when I masturbate. They're going to eat you. Get away from me, psycho. They're gonna skin you. What the hell's the matter with you? They're gonna turn you into into this you're gonna be this Yeah, it's a fucking tooth. Uh-huh rat mask. Yeah, you're gonna be that dead It's on me's house if somebody only bit I you want to hear that he only thinks of you

Then you're living in a fantasy world living in a fancy world. You're living in a fantasy world of your own design Yes, yes, I got this you you guys five you're in the wrong. Yeah You got bags of leaves for your brains Yes, I agree with this too. You've got- Matrix five, you're in the wrong. Yeah. Wrong? You got bags of leaves for your brains. Neo only thinks of Trinity. No. That's a movie, idiot! Not real life.

Guys, please. Continue. I think of really bad things. Like what? To come or with your boyfriend? Which one was? If I jerk off, I think of really horrible things. Truck crashes?

And you don't think of him, do you? The building is burning. Yeah, see? You think of the Oklahoma City bombing? I love both of you. I have to leave. Thank you so much for having me on this podcast. I always have a great time here.

You don't end the show. We end the show. No, I'm not ending it. I'm ending my portion of it. I have to go and I apologize. I apologize. Why do you have to go? I have a show.

What time is it at? You're not allowed to leave until you finish your fart walks for a story. There's a guy in a tiny hat. He walks directly into the room. He's sitting in the room. He doesn't have a shirt on, right? He has a tiny little hat. He has a tiny little hat. Huge balls.

He's bleeding. The new age aristocrat. He's bleeding from his fucking cock thing. Gooch. Yes, and then he audibly, visibly puts his legs up behind his head and he put both legs and he just farted directly at me. I fell down.

The crowd laughed, pointed. I stood up, did my character from the Jim Carries, got him back on my side and then I ran out of the room. Guys, I love you both, I have to go. I'm so sorry. Please check out the special. You might wanna sit and stay. At Nate the, I love you both. I have to go. I'm so sorry. Please check out the special. Follow me on stuff. You might want to sit and stay.

At Nathan McIntosh on things. I greatly appreciate it. Thank you. Down with tech. It's so good. Are you in trouble? You're going to make it. You're going to make it. Are you a train?

The spot's at 8.10. Did she email you and say eight o'clock? Or did she say 7.50? What? Why don't you do an Uber? You mean get you an Uber? Get him an Uber. Alright, thanks. So am I on the down back until we get an Uber?

Yeah. Call it, call it. Don't get distracted. Call it. He's gotta go. I was gonna get distracted. You're right, you're right. We started a bit late. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm very sorry. I know. I told you. I call it. He's got to go. I was going to get distracted. I know. I saw you. You're right. You're right. You're right. We started a bit late. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm very sorry. I know. I told you.

I said it. Don't don't don't don't don't. You're alone on that couch for a reason, boy. I'm not alone when I have my little seed. Can I say this in all seriousness? You're getting there at 7.55, pal. Thank you. That's perfect. Do you jerk off to porn if your girlfriend, like if she leaves the room?

No. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm're getting there at 7.55, pal. Thank you, that's perfect. Do you jerk off to porn if your girlfriend, like if she leaves the room?

No, no, no. He's not a fiend. You're on the road, you jerk off to porn. But I truly try to stay away from porn, I'm not serious. She has a vibration. I'm not serious. I said I'm not serious. I try to stay away from porn, I'm very serious.

Because it melts your fucking brain. It does. I don't wanna do these things, and I know this firsthand. I feel better when I try to stay away from porn. I'm very serious because it melts your fucking brain. It does. I don't want to do these things. And I know this firsthand. I feel better when I stop looking at porn. Same, I'm serious. You feel way like, you don't feel as cloudy. I feel honestly, if you don't look at porn for a long time,

you start waking up easier. It's just better. Wow. And I look at women in a much better light. When you watch a lot of porn, honestly, women, and this sucks to say, women become things you fuck. Yeah. And it's awful. And it's a terrible way to be. Again, I walked on the street. I'm like, I want to eat this woman's shoes and put three dicks

in her ass. And that's a horrible place to be. They did. They've done it. This woman's dead, though. No, they did it, though. So how long is this Uber have I apologize a Couple more I keep apologizing You should ban porn or make it very very 250 feet away go, but I I love both you guys and all seriously I think I said this last month on the podcast. This was so much fun. And thank you guys for having me You're the best. You're the best. We love you. Down with tech. Down with tech Tell Mohammed that your precious car go

That door Come on over You could eat. Oh, I got to charge my phone. What are we doing tonight? You know what, dude? Oh, that's fun. I asked Ryan if he wanted to come over and he said his mom's coming over tomorrow. So we can't hang out. The guy girl. Oh, have you seen him since?

Nope. I intentionally didn't see them when I wanted to, because it was an addictive manner and women texting. Nothing too much. And nice. But yeah, I desperately want contact and connection tonight. It's so fucked up that I slept through your release party. I was like, I thought. Oh yeah, what happened? I thought it was Saturday all day, even on stage.

I said that. I went home after Sunday brunch, the brunch show, and I passed out so hard. And then I woke up and I went, I had to go to shows. It was crazy. And I was like, that's so weird that he's releasing it the day before his party And I was like I guess that how it is and I was like well tomorrow Maybe I'll tell him and I was like no I'll text him now and then I was like oh my god

How was it the people come you dumped him? Yeah, Ethan was there And how was it? It's great great turnout good food Good hang. Yeah It was great. Great turnout. Good food. Good hang. Yeah. Met Gail. Met Gail. And it was so fun. Uh huh. She's so sweet.

And I got shirts made with her face on it. Were you mad that I wasn't there? You didn't text me. I understand you. And I understand that it wasn't personal. I didn't want to text you and bother you. I didn't know what mental state you were in. So I didn't want to get yelled at or something.

And so I just didn't reach out. I did think about going, hey, you coming tonight? But again, like I didn't want to bother you. Okay, I'll bother. I'm here in town. How about you? Portland, I sold out. Yeah.

So they added a matinee. Is that crazy? Have you ever done that? That's fucking amazing. That's awesome. Hell yeah, dude. Can anybody go to a four o'clock show? Of course.

Hold on, Nathan. Well then walk. Especially if it's somebody, it's someone that I would wanna see. I would go to a four o'clock. Yeah, you're gonna have a blast, man. Portland Helium? That's awesome. Good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it to a four. Yeah, you're gonna have a blast man. Portland helium? That's awesome. Good for you. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, it's a blast. It's a big cedar. I'm really surprised. It's so weird to go to like Appleton where you put all the tickets. Portland helium? Well, that's great What should we call it? Is that big? Yeah, no, we missed you, but it's okay. It was very fun. Um, my mom was there and she was, it was really nice. Uh, I got shirts made with her face on it. I made everyone a baby blues, wear them.

And then, uh, I took her to the cellar and she met Val and Attelle and he brought me on stage. And so my mom got to see that and it was so fun. And he hugged her and he never hugs. I told my mom, I go, mom, don't hug him. He's not a hugger. And he goes, come here, I have to give you a hug. And my mom goes, Ian told me not to. And he goes, well, fuck Ian.

Was she laughing? Could you hear her laughing on stage? Oh, she loved it. Oh, she loved it. Oh, she loved it. Yeah. And she loved meeting Val and Madden and Sean Patton. It was great. You know what her voice is?

Hm. In Liar, Liar, the woman who goes W-O-R-K Burke. Remember? What? And it's like, my dad, he's a truck driver. My mom is at that. And he goes, my dad, he's a liar. And she's like, oh, I'm sure you don't mean,

it's Gale's voice. No. Yeah, it's Gale's voice. Oh. We gotta have Tyler Fisher on. Yeah. He posted a thing today on Dr. Phil about him suing Ro.

You know, it know what's crazy? What? He's on Dr. Phil. Uh huh. Being like. He did Dr. Phil. He did Dr. Phil. And they're being like.

In what capacity? They're being like, how do you feel about, he's like, don't you think it should be, he's basically fighting the idea that an agency failed to take him because. He was white. He was white. Right? He's like, he's like, don't you think it should be? He's basically fighting the idea that an agency failed to take him because. He was white. He was white.

Right? I heard that that was kind of a little force. Anyway, go ahead. But then the person on the phone, and they're like, let's cut to the phone call. I know the person on the phone. Oh yeah, cause it's your agency. It is, isn't it? Is it?

Isn't that crazy? It has a ton of white guys. I know! It's a little bit of a thing going on there. What's a farce? What do you mean by farce? A farce is like a joke. Oh, you think it was a joke?

No, not a joke, like a joke that he sued them. Yeah, yeah. Like not a joke like funny haha, like a joke. Like a joke that he sued them. Yeah, yeah. Like, like not a joke like funny haha, like a joke like, are you serious? I think he's funny. I think he's hilarious. I think he's great. But I think suing his agency because they, he's, was it getting work because he's white was kind of like, come on. You really had to do that? You know, at the same time it's like, don't have your money if you can. Somebody has to. Somebody has to be the guy to do that? You know? At the same time it's like, get your money if you can, but... Somebody has to. Somebody has to be the guy to do weird shit like that. I guess, but I mean it's like, he's funny.

He's hilarious. Yeah. He doesn't need to do that. You know, like... But he's just saying if a black person was like, I'm sorry, we just want white men. They would sue the... they could sue the pants off it. Right, but it's like, did he win his lawsuit? I don't know, I'm not sure.

Yeah, there you go. It's like, seems like a waste of time. And he's doing great, him doing great, does that have anything to do with him suing because he didn't get picked up because he's white? You know? But it's a principle. I guess I just think it's like a...

It's like who cares? Like, I don't know. It's happening. Yes, the whole thing. I'm like, look, we're not taking white guys right now, but to like sue over it, it's just like. I'm pretty sure that the reason why he was suing, I think it's gay to sue if you're being like, this is racist, but I think what he's saying is- To like open people's eyes to it. Well, there are people suing for the other thing, so he's saying is they're like open people's eyes to it.

Well, there are people suing for the other things. So he's just saying, I'll be the, you know what I mean? Cause it was during a time where there were so many lawsuits. I think well, I think years ago it was like, I don't know if it was an outright racist thing. Like we don't want blacks, but it was like, Oh, we got one. We don't need anymore. We're fine. And people kind of understood that, but they never outwardly said like, we don't want blacks, but it was like, oh, we got one. We don't need anymore. We're fine. And people kind of understood that, but they never outwardly said like,

we're not taking any more black applicants in, in our world. You know, I don't know about the corporate world, but I know for a fact now they're absolutely saying out loud, yeah, we're done with white guys. We, we have enough. We don't need, and I don't know if that's like outwardly We're done with white guys. We have enough. We don't need, and I don't know if that's like outwardly racist or if it's just them being over the top transparent about their hiring process. I just think that's how networks work. Like with me, they're like, we don't need any more mannish women.

Yeah. Well, I mean, that's another reason why it's like, fuck the networks. Fuck them. Because also they make these shows that they think are catered towards black audiences and they fucking hate them like black girl sketch show. Every fucking black person I know hates it. They're like, yeah, it's pandering bullshit because it's a bunch of white people in suits being like, this is what black people like. It's like, no, go out, make your own thing for your own people and you're going to succeed.

Yeah. You know, but I mean the Tyler thing, I think he's, I've always thought he was funny. I always get along with him. I just kind of thought that was a bit of an eye roll, but I also don't know the situation intimately enough to know if he had emphatic proofs that like he was being discriminated against. I just thought it was kind of a, kind of like a jump on this cancel culture type thing for clout. Does that make sense?

I thought it was cool. I thought it was funny. That's fine. I mean, I thought it was, yeah, I remember at the time it happening, me being like, wow, I just always like when somebody's doing the far side of something. Yeah, but the thing is,

his agency has a million white guys. That's the thing. It's not like, so like I wonder if it was the thing of them being like, instead of being like, yeah, you should have him on. I'd love that. I think he's great. I think he's so funny. What do we have next week? I don't know. Ethan? Last I heard was a band, Scowl or something. Oh no, Scowl can't make it.

Cat has to be on vocal rest because they're recording. But we're gonna get them, I think, in May or June. Scowl. Scowl. And the lead singer is Cat? Cat Moss. She's the best. She's a huge fan of yours.

They're great. I put them on mixes for you, I think. Really? Yeah, they're really good. What genre? Like hardcore. Okay. But you would like it.

Chuggy or squeamy? Dude, actually, oh my God, okay, all right. I'll play for you in the Uber. You're gonna like it. I guarantee it. What time is it? I think we do have to go. Yeah, why don't we have Tyler on next week?

That'll be fun. Yeah, yeah, ask. And I love him. He's the best. He's awesome. Yeah. He's so, I have so much fun with him at the cellar. It was really fun taking my mom there the other night.

Just to have her be there and like see everything. And she was like, I can't believe you get to do this every night. I'm like, yeah, this is what I do every night. Like this is how my nights end. It's great. It wasn't overwhelming in the city. She was fine. Dude, I'm so proud of her.

Like her friend, Caroline was with her and it really helped. She didn't wear a fucking mask once. She wasn't worried about germs. She it's like, dude, it's like she got out of her house and like it was like a whole new fucking world for her. And I'm so proud of her, man. She did so great. And she said she's going to come up again. And like, I don't know, man, it was the fucking best. I took her out to lunch. I picked her up at her hotel. She calls me. She gets a hotel. She know, man, it was the fucking best. I took her out to lunch. I picked her up at her hotel. She calls me, she gets to the hotel.

She goes, Ian, it's so fun around here. There's a woman in the street ripping down signs and yelling. And I'm like, hey, welcome to the city. It's just so funny. My mom gets in the middle of like an Israel ball set to get her first day here. She stayed at a hotel?

Yeah. In the city? Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. Her friend Caroline really helped. She was like her shepherd. Um, it was great. It was awesome. Yeah. And then dude, we, we hung out at the hood at the apartment and, uh, I drove us into the city and gave her like a tour of stuff. It was great. She's getting knee surgery though. That sucks. Bone on bone. Bone. Bone. Bone. She's got some bones. Yeah, it was, it was, it was cool. It was great.

I was really, really happy she got to be there. And when she came in the restaurant, everyone applauded for it. It was nice. Did they have a church? Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was really nice. But yeah, yeah.

Watch is special. Ian Fideyantz, Wild Happy and Free. Thank you everybody for watching it too. Are you having a depression crash afterwards. That happened to me. A little. It's getting, like by all metrics, it's doing fantastic. It's getting like a great response and this and that, but a part of me is like, uh, I

don't know. Also, I forgot to take my medicine for two days. I keep doing that, man. When I get home from the road, I forget to take my medicine for two days. I keep doing that man when I get home from the road I forget to fucking take my meds Zanies was great. Were you in town this past weekend? Yeah, do you like it? No It freaked me out why Everybody's a zombie. What do you mean? They're so drunk at the cellar and like oh Well, it's also 420.

That's what they look like. All of them. Dibble a little, I'm doing a a little, and it's like, ah ha ha ha what are we doing? What's going on with humanity? I talked to Nathan about it for a while, where I was like, it made me be like, I miss Obama. And I don't even care about Obama. Like, remember when Obama was getting elected and we were all like, we'll change the climate?

Remember the climate? There was like, there's none of that anymore. Nobody believes anything. Nobody's like, even religious. Nobody's anti-religious. Nobody believes anything. Nobody's even religious. Nobody's anti-religious. Everybody's just like. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Nobody has any backbone. And you're telling jokes in front of these people who are like, obliterated. I mean, they're like, they're barely even people. And then they get carried out by whichever person is somehow managing to stay upright,

using each other's body to go. It's just like, what are we doing? And then you look for a familiar face. You always find one. But lately it's been like, where are they? And it's like, you'll find one and then you'll see every like. Yeah, no, no. It's so funny you say that because you know what I've been doing?

I've been going for walks at night in the city without my headphones in. And I've just been watching people and observing people and all these kids just like waiting three hours in a line to get in a place to yell their drink order over loud music and pay 21 bucks or a beer or whatever. And I think you need those people to look and go, man, how about some gratitude for not being that? Like imagine if you were stuck in the path

of being like, eh, eh, like you were that person. You know? That's what TJ said to me when I was kind of in my head about it. Yeah. He was like, you are very fortunate to not have to drink through your life. Yeah.

Because you have a horrible nine to five. Yeah. But it makes the empathy in me, makes me like... Well, I'm just glad you'd recognize you have empathy. Yeah, but like, you know when you're like, you know when you're, I feel like I am very sensitive to the point where I just shut down and become cold. But when I see a whole room full of people that are just like,

it makes me be like, dude, how do we, how do I tase the planet so that people are like, oh, I only have one life. I should probably be awake for it. There's no way, and then I just leave being like, I feel so crazy that I just said so many jokes in front of these people that are just 100% blacked out, barfing, it's crazy.

Yeah, but that's kind of what it is. We're nightclub comics. I know. They just go get drunk and they are, we're background noise to their like excursions. Yeah. You know? You're the escapism.

Yeah. Yeah. So people, you know, go to escape their lives. Just got to make friends with it. of it that were just static in a, uh, in a very, uh, banal existence for a lot of people. Thank you. Yes. All right. We love you guys. Thanks for watching!