Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 095: Creaming An Onion W/ Dan St. Germain

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s DAN ST. GERMAIN | DANCE FATTY, DANCE! (FULL COMEDY SPECIAL) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWafzY7HERs  - Your summer wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code SKA at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/ska #chubbiespod - Support the show and get up to 60% off of your subscription at https://www.babbel.com/SKA PODCAST MERCH HERE ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast  Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s WATCH RIP HERE - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tub6tSNi2Ho&t=2s Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Dan St Germain Here : https://www.instagram.com/danst.germain/ Dan St. Germain (Live Comedy at The Emmaus Theatre) Friday, May 24 - https://www.emmaustheatre.com/events/17202-dan-st-germain-live-comedy-at-the-emmaus-theatre/ DAN ST. GERMAIN | DANCE FATTY, DANCE! (FULL COMEDY SPECIAL) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWafzY7HERs Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Hi everybody. I have to go home. Punchup.live slash Ian Fydance. I got sets up there that you can see longer ones of. Wilmington, North Carolina, Houston, Texas, Brooklyn, New York, Poughkeepsie, New York, Des Moines, Manchester, Dallas, Brea, Improv, Timonium, Maryland, Fort Collins, Cleveland, Ohio, San Francisco, Austin, Columbus, Ohio, Perry, Check out my special, wild, happy and free right here on the YouTube and death chunk from Jordan Jensen.

Enjoy the episode. Love you. Bye. Telling jokes and having smokes riding back so fast. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I Enjoy the episode. Love you, bye. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian? Life is shit but you're positive, let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian,

being Ian. With Jordan. So if you drink alcohol, that's how much. Oh, we got to get into it. Hi, everybody. Oh, my gosh. Shamada, my dad and ding ding. Really good. That was great. It's going to be a good pod. Well, go back to another episode of being Ian with Jordan. I am Ian and this is Jordan and I am so happy to be my friend.

Yes. My teeth look any more straight. It's a little lighter. Don't come in. I don't know. That one's still in hiding. Really? Still witness protection. Yeah.

Oh, I don't see it. You guys haven't introduced me. On the pod today is we the crazy, funny, wonderful, my dear friend, longtime friend, longtime friend, wonderful fella, new friend for Jordan, the great Dan St. Germain. Thank you both for having me on. I've listened to the pod before. A couple of episodes. Very good. Thank you, Daniel. When I was my short lived podcast by my wife,

I wanted to listen to like some female. Well, I do. I'm married. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. You can't even take it. You can't even fucking have a he can't even fucking not drink any fucking as a wife. He's on every drug. I literally just listed Jordan like my medication I'm on,

and she's like wildly upset that I was able to make a marriage work. That's so fucked up. In his events, the marriage barely works. So. I wanna talk about that. That's actually great, it's actually the best thing. No, it is, I'm so happy for Dan.

I would make, I mean, I would, I would just, I mean, I probably have more material if it sucked, but no, that's like the one good decision I've made in my life. Who is she? You don't have to say her name. Sarah. She's the best.

She takes care of them. They're so sweet together. I'm having like a birthday thing tomorrow from six to nine at a bar, you're welcome to stop by. You'll meet her there. For her? Or your birthday? For him, it's his birthday.

It's my 40th. I just turned 40 like two days ago. Oh, you're doing fine. Happy birthday, Dan. How old are you? Forty, right? Thirty nine. Thirty nine. And how old are you?

Thirty two. Thirty three. Thirty three. Thirty three. About to be thirty three years old. See, you are thirty two. May 28th. What are we doing for your birthday? Tyler Childers.

What's Tyler Childers? Woof. He's a country music singer. I love him. Gah. Stop it. May 30th. Do you want to go see?

It doesn't have a style of film, so he's not into it. Shut up Tyler. I like you. You met Nathaniel Raycliffe, I'm so mad. Yeah. I'm so mad. Yeah. He's my favorite.

He's great. He kind of looks like Dan. Did he say anything about me? He was like, Jordan should go see Notch Wuss instead of Tyler Childers on May 30th. Are they playing? Yeah, Brian's coming to do the pond. Yeah, that's fine.

I have Tyler Childers the 29th. Well, then we'll go to the 30th too. What time is Notch Wuss? Eight o'clock. Okay. Dan. Sounds like a plan. It does. I'm excited. Sounds like a good birthday. Yeah. Sounds like a plan. It does.

I'm excited. Sounds like a good birthday. Yeah. Sounds like a great birthday. My best friend Megan's coming to town. Shout out. Shout out Megan. What up Megan?

Err, errr. Wait, so what drugs, what drugs do you have? I think it was good. The lip base was so good. Dude just. Ehh. It's my Michael Winslow impression. Shout out, Megan.

Stop it. You're on, you're on Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin gave me a panic attack in live time. Like where I was like thinking about how I was having a panic attack and having a panic attack and then I would get out of it and I'd be like, oh, I wonder if I'm gonna have a, there it is.

I'm having a panic attack. Wellbutrin was bad for me until I did it with Lemictal. And then I was on, well, I'm on Well Buterin, Lemictal, Prozac, Anna Buttes. Hey buddy. Oh, Cheeby. Oh, she's a little dog. She just opened the door.

Now Trexon, those are the five that I'm on. Oh dude, now Trexon saved my life. This is all you need. Do you have a dog? We have three. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Nevermind. Jordan's like. Keep your knee down. Jordan's like, it's like when the superhero meets someone more mentally ill. She's like, ooh. I know. Short circuiting.

What should I do? You know what else you need? Socks that are the same height. I know, I know. Are you kidding me, my guy? I'm sorry. Pull him up for the camera here. I can't believe you caught that. Are my guy? Pull him up for the camera here. Are you kidding?

Dude, I'm trying to, oh my God. A hundred bucks and you can get your legs up as high as they need to go to show the camera. You got strong legs. Didn't you use, put that down, put that down. Put it down, you'll scare my dog. Put it over here. Great ice coffee.

I want to later. But not me. No, it wasn't going to be. And not Coyote. Please not. Whatchamacallit. So wait, when you take anabuse, the second you drink it makes you puke?

You know, for me, I drank two days later, and I just got really like yours, it's maybe the if you do it the day of, but two days later, I got really just red in my face and I was even broke kind of close up after what I drank. I used it like I drank two days after I got off an abuse. Okay, but you really shouldn't like if anybody who's taking

an abuse, you really should wait like two or three weeks if you want to drink again. But you probably shouldn't drink. What if you're on an abuse and you drink, you puke immediately, right? It's kind of like it's kind of like that. Anti abuse? No, it's an abuse. I would think that I haven't taken. Isn't an abuse kind of like that table saw that if you put your finger in it, it just stops and it doesn't cut you. Like,

isn't that how you're supposed to puke if you are on an abuse? I think so, but I've never, I've never drank like the day I've taken an anabuse. So it does, it does work. You know, cause I don't want that sensation. I wouldn't want that sensation. So what happens? Have you tried AA? I am I'm currently,, I go to meetings. Okay, great. Do you have a sponsor?

I do. Good. Yeah. Well, the socks. I have, I know, I haven't called him in a couple of days though, so I should probably jump back on that. That's okay. Yeah.

Jump back on it. It does, so, so if you drink right now, if we forced you to drink, you would throw up everywhere? I think so, yeah. Nice. Patreon. Hey, patreon.com. So, so if you drink right now, if we forced you to drink, you would throw up everywhere? You're- I think so, yeah. Nice. Patreon. Hey, patreon.com slash feed me a pod.

Does it, does it, do you have to take it every day? You know what, here's the question. You don't have to take it every day. I found my question. It's not like, it is not an SRI. Dan, Dan, Dan. She found her question. I found my question.

What possesses you to take the medicine every day, but like you're like, I'm gonna take this every day, but you can't stop yourself from drinking it. Do you know what I mean? Like how come the compulsion isn't just, I won't take this pill. If the compulsion is I'm gonna drink. Does that make sense?

No, it doesn't. Wait, what do you mean? Okay, like as compulsively as you would drink, how come you are able to not compulsively not take that medication? Well, because the thing about taking like I, my nat, I just like taking pills. Like once I start taking one, I want to take like a couple, like, is it's just like an oral fixation thing, I guess. But like, the thing, the thing about like, like for me, it's like, I don't want like, I've had enough time away from

alcohol now where I'm not going to, I would, I would, you know, it's not like I would wait. Basically it, it prevents me from like, if I have a bad day or if I'm like at an airport and like, I get a trigger, like I know that if I drink, cause at the very least, even if I don't get sick, like it won't work. I like those two triggers, bad day or airport. Yeah, yeah. I mean, both are sometimes. Some bad things have happened in some airports.

Mine is first class. Usually is a bad one. Yeah. You know my airport story? What happened? When I relapsed at the airport. Pissed himself. Pissed myself on the plane, stole a bottle

of wine, went on a two week bender, came back, drank hand sanitizer. Hand sanitizer? Why not just drink alcohol? You're an adult. Because they shut me off at the bar and I was on a Greyhound bus in my chicks place in Jersey. I wanted to keep the party going. Hand sanitizer is so dramatic. It is very dramatic. It's all I had available. If it's all you have available, I get it. That's not true. You could have gone off the bus and gone into a liquor store. You couldn't have bought alcohol on the train? It was.

Well, it was a Greyhound bus. It's just like, come on. Fuck both of you. It was a Greyhound bus. I saw it on intervention, and they cut me off at the bar at LaGuardia, and then I found the bus to get to Jersey and there was no alcohol. Bars were closed. And so I fucking you're probably worse drunk than me.

But these stories, you're on a thing that makes you pukey puke. No, but I know. But if I have like, like one, I'll just, you know, I won't like turn into a werewolf. You know, it seems like he has one and it's like, it'll be like, That's because he's like a borderline girl. Yeah. Well, you know what I mean? Right. Like, it's all over now, Becky. You know, what the fuck is that about? You're very dramatic. You're very remember in the birdcage when he goes.

When he goes, I'm leaving and I'm bringing my toothbrush. And Robin Williams goes, how Egyptian, you're Egyptian. I do, I had no idea. You are, you're a gay, you're Nathan Lane. You have some Hank Azarian birdcage qualities. You have this noise. Oh, oh.

I have made that noise, not joking. Yeah. Multiple times. You made it before we started recording. I know, I know. What do you have? Yeah, no, I'm not proud of it, but it was there, and so I just slurped it up and then, woo.

Woo. Did you see the new Ghostbusters? Look at how big my dog's butthole is. Yeah, it's so good. Look at that thing. Did you like it? I haven't seen it. You should. Look at how big my dog's butthole is. Yeah, it's so good. Look at that. Did you like it? I haven't seen it. You should.

Look at how big my dog's butthole is. That's a big butthole. Isn't it pretty big? There's a few other movies I wanna see before that, I think. Like what? Well, I saw Late Night with the Devil, that was great. But I do wanna see the new- Is Alien still in theaters?

It wasn't in theaters. Yeah, it is. Let Her Live. Oh, oh, oh, the reissue, I thought you meant like a new Alien. Yeah, no, no, I really wanna see it in theaters? It wasn't in theaters. Yeah, it is. Let her live. Oh, oh, oh, the reissue. I thought you meant like a new alien. Yeah, no, no, I really want to see it in theaters. I think Sigourney Weaver is the best name ever. It's a great name.

Sigourney Weaver. I have a shirt that says Sigourney Weaver on it. It's a drogynous. It is. I like that. It just sounds like some car part. Did you get the Sigourney in for the Weaver? Weaver, I hardly know.

Yeah. I'm here all week. Jordan, I could tell you were horny the other day because you posted a picture of a car. I know. I know. Is that, that's like a thing? I love cars.

Yeah. I want to have sex with them. So it's like the guy knows cars. That's like, oh, that's a big deal. Yeah, but I've never, I've never dated anybody. Hey, I love you, but don't eat our rat, man. She's not, she's just exploring. She's not? Look at her.

Leave Richard alone. She's me, she's not gonna move her. I think that's a, I think that's, I think a lot more, a lot of women are more into cars than they probably went on. You think? Yeah, I don't know if that's true. Yeah, what do you? I mean, maybe not like an Acura.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love cars. I grew up driving. Oh, Hyundai Sonata. Oh, Nissan Oldman. I'm squirting. What? Stop doing it realistically.

It's grossing me out. Oh, Miata. Oh, Jetta. One time, I mean, as a bit, Ian like, like dirty talked to me, but it was like, it was, it was like eerily like, I was like, this is a real dirty text. This is something like, it was very sexual. What was this? I don't know.

This was our group chat is constantly filled with, would you rather like, would you rather bend me over some hot coals and fuck me or eat Dan's ass for the duration of the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon Friend of the pot I'll never be on the pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah friend of the pot Taylor shout out What you would call it? When did I dirty talk you I forget it was like it was it was it wasn't apropos of nothing Like we were like, oh, we were doing a dirty talk competition. Yes. And I took it really seriously. Yeah. You took it too far. Like we, like me and the other guy in the thread,

we're just trying to laugh and then you did it. And it was like, it was like penthouse, penthouse forum. Yeah. Yeah. Gross. I would have thrown up. That would have, that would have abuse-ified me. It was, you know, it was, yeah's abuse. Yeah, it was a lot. Like when it happened, I was like, this is a lot. Yeah, it made Dan drink again.

This is a lot. Did you have sex in LA? Oh my God. I did, yes. I know. Yeah. Is it penetrative? Is this who I think you had sex with?

No. Yes. Is it who I think you had sex with? No, not her. Okay. No. No, she... I told you. No. Me and this gal were like talking, and then Jordan and I went for a hike, and this gal was like,

come to the hotel pool, let's hang out. No, not that girl. The other girl. The girl you showed me a picture of at Mel's. Stop eating this. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Very cute.

Yeah, great. No, but Jordan and I... She's a cute girl that he hooked up with. Jordan and I went and hiked and this girl was like, come to the hotel pool, whatever. And she and I kissed the night before. And then me and Jordan went hiking and then we went back to our friend's house. You're really proud of that, aren't you? I'm proud that I did that because I've been to LA before and I've never hiked. That's a very LA thing to do.

I mean, it has nothing to do with the story. Yes, it does. He said it three times. Because we got tired out. It's a brag about hiking. We got tired out. We got tuckered out. And we went back to your friend's house and we were farting and took a nap.

And while I did that, since I didn't go to the hotel pool, the girl found some guy there, got banged out. And I'm just like with Jordan like Was that a turn-on and I would have rather have done that I Honestly, you fell asleep so hard that you were snoring so loud that coyote couldn't even nap and I think you really needed sleep Was it bad? Yeah, it was so bad. You were Was that a turn-on that you hooked up with somebody else no Was that a turn on that you hooked up with somebody else? No, I don't care.

You don't care. Yeah. But. But you did have sex. I did. Back to penetrative? Penetrative. That's fine.

I don't mind. Do you mind? I don't mind, I was just wondering. And you opened for Christ, you're there? What happened? Yeah. What happened when I left? Dude, everything fell into place when you left.

Everything got infinitely better. Just here the opposite of a good walk chart. It looked like the whole festival got better. Dude, it was fucking, yeah, everyone was saying it. No, we kept going, we wish Jordan was here. What happened? I got asked to open for Burt at the Key of Worm and I did it and it was fucking unreal.

Yeah, it was 18,000 people. Fucking unreal. Arena. Fucking Nazi was the coolest thing ever. That's the most people you ever played for, I'm guessing. Yeah, and it's very funny because people keep saying that and I'm like, in what world do you think I have played for more?

Well, just opening for somebody else. I opened for Sigour and it was. The same amount? No, not 18. No? 18,000 is a lot. Maybe 18 is kind of insane. It was wild. We have to say a joke and then you wait for it to wave back. That I was worried about that. And I talked to no one laughed. So it was fine. I was going to say that. Good one. It was easy. It was set up. It was right there. It was right there. I think I broke my tailbone. Good. Yeah, no, I was nervous about that,

but I am really proud of the fact that I stayed and let it come in and then the screens are so big. You can make a face and people laugh and that was so fun. Yeah, it's the best. Oh, that's cool. Did you have to, were you in the round though? No, were you in the round?

Yeah. I don't like the round. No. Never done it, but I don't want round. No, were you in the round? Yeah. I don't like the round. No. Never done it, but I don't want to. I did. But I would if they asked. Who had this big round special?

That was Halby Mendel. He had the big round special. Well, I have Seguro. Had a big round. Louie had a big round. Oh, that's right. That was 2018, right? Was that the Beacon?

No. 2016, no, 2018. It wasn't, 2016. Oh yeah, and then I went shooting guns. I wish you stayed longer. There's a Chewy upstairs for her. That's a ring, which she will chew. It is on the kitchen floor.

Yeah, she's really biting a lot of stuff she shouldn't. Yeah, she's a puppy. How old is she? She's six months. She's just a child. Oh, she took a picture of my wife. She's getting so tall. It's me and my wife's love language,

is to take her to the picture of dogs. Yeah. Yeah. Oh no. Oh god. She'll be back. But yeah, it was fun. I had a blast in LA.

It was great. It's so much fun. Yeah, I should have stayed there longer. I wish you did. I know I was too burnt out. Yeah, I didn't have stuff planned and I don't want to. Yeah, and I didn't get a hotel for myself. I fucked it all up.

That's all right. Coyote barfed all over my friend's house. Oh yeah, that's right. I never get to hang out with you in New York, but for some reason we hung out in LA. Dude, yeah, that's right. My first night there, me and Dan went to Mel's Diner. That was my last night in LA.

And I got some milkshakes. That was such a good way to start the trip. It was fun. I ate at Mel's Diner or Kander's Deli every single day that I was there. I didn't get to go to Kander's. I was leaving those like fucking whatever parties early to go to Kander's by myself, get takeout,

and go to my hotel room and play Sudoku and eat. That's great. I like how you call it play Sudoku. It's just doing a Sudoku. I play Sudoku. You do Sudoku. No, I play it. It's not a game.

I time myself against my time for me. You? Yes. I'm getting good. Start a watch. I beat it, I beat it. Wow, that's good for you. That'll help with your Alzheimer's.

Yes. What? It's rapidly approaching. I know. Rapidly. Rapidly. You with Alzheimer's is gonna be rough. Why? You with Alzheimer's is going to be rough. Why Alzheimer's?

Well, it will be the one thing where we'll see like you blowing a guy to glory hole and be like, oh, it says Alzheimer's. No, no, no. This is this is regular old. No, no. Oh, you must think he's eating dinner. He has the phone. What's the phone one where you can't focus because you're on the phone phone? Timers, phone timers. Oh, yeah, there's one where it's like phone dementia or something where you can't focus because you're on the phone? Phone? Timers? Phone timers? No, yeah, there's one where it's like phone dementia

or something where you like can't do anything because you have your phone. What? I've never heard of that. You know, my screen time is down. Sounds like a, like a Sprint commercial. From 12 hours to? Eight.

A week. A week? It's not eight a week, it's eight a week. It's eight a week. Seriously? It's eight a day. They're cutie pants. A day. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Oh no, the dementia's rapidly approaching.

Eight a week. Yeah, that's a wait and why. Mine went down since I got a social media person. That's my next step. I just can't afford that. It's not expensive. Really? Who do you have doing?

I didn't understand what you said. I broke my tailbone. Yeah. I know the tailbone injuries are the worst. Every time I hurt your tailbone. Oh, dude, today Ibone injuries are the worst. You hurt your tailbone? Ow. Dude, today I did a boxing class and then I did a workout. Caitlin Blufo is insane. Why?

Because we went to the boxing class and then she's like, now let's do the workout. And I was like, no, you go to the class. She's like cut, right? The last time I saw her, I guess it was, we did Moon Tower. And I was like, she's like Sigourney Weaver in alien shape. Yeah, it's really crazy. Yeah. She goes hard. I watched her today and I was like, oh's like Sigourney Weaver in alien shape. Yeah, it's really crazy. Yeah. Hmm.

She goes hard. I watched her today and I was like, oh, yeah, we're very different people. I'm laying down for a lot of it. I ate shawarma late at night and held my belly in the mirror and went, you're so fucking fat. You're disgusting fucking pig. I got on the treadmill for half hour yesterday and then I ate my feelings. Go to thing to eat your feelings with. Go! A to Z man. But like pizza.

A to Z pizza. Pizza like and not like good pizza like Papa John's or Pizza Hut or Domino's. Are those good pizzas? No those are good. Like those are like fast food pizza. That's like a Little Caesars. Like I used to in LA, like if I was depressed, I would get a Little Caesar and just drive around eating slices around.

Was like driving around West Hollywood. It was- Listening to Bob Seger- I listened to Phil Collins. I think I listened to In the Air Tonight while I'm like eating fucking Little Caesars. Mine is whipped cream. I'll crush a bottle of whipped cream.

Can of whipped cream. Ooh. I'm so much. Yeah. I just tore apart a rotisserie chick at my house though. Ooh. That's pretty good though. That's not bad for me.

Totally, totally allowed. Totally legal. I like putting a little barbecue sauce on the side and then you just rip off the rotisserie and you just scoop it up. I smashed it into a wrap, slammed some white mayo in there. I like mayo and mustard mixed together with chicken. Yeah, yeah, I like that.

Mayo and hot sauce. What are we doing? What are we doing? I saw Sebastian Maniscalco. I watched him perform in L.A. That was incredible. Yeah, I did Steph Tullis podcast. It was very late. It wasn't very long. I feel bad. That's right. Yeah. She was like, why the fuck did you come?. I was very late. It wasn't very long. I feel bad. That's right Yeah, she was like why the fuck did you come? I was like there was an error I've just been incredibly dissociated for a few weeks. I think it's allergies. I know that sounds gay

But you know what I mean Biologies are terrible last week and I'm allergic to cats. So it's just a matter of time before I just Like big trouble in try to blow up. One time Dan was imitating me as a Looney Tunes character. Remember you're like, Oh, Dan's one of the funniest people I know. Let's see it go. It's always death. Yeah, we used to do, well, that was when we would like, me and the guy, the other guy on our thread, we would do like police blotter calls of Ian

and it would be like, you know, suspects seen on a penny farthing. You know, like filled with commonest mouth, trying to sing. So it would just be like the most loony tunes. Like, it's like a combination of like rampant sexuality and Looney Tunes, like Hannah Barbera browsers. That's basically every Ian impression.

He is, he is Roger Rabbit. That's exactly who he is. Yeah. Yeah. Without the hot girlfriend. Without the hot girlfriend. Although he's done pretty good. I will say, oh, he did once say to me, which is just a wild lie.

He did once say to our thread that he has never, he only hooks up with attractive women. He's never hooked up with unattractive. Oh, I've seen some gargoyles. I know, he said that. He said, he's never, I've never hooked up with unattractive women. I've seen some lizards slide out of there.

Yeah, I mean, there's been some real. I've seen some insane clown posse whores. Oh, the girl that wears it with the clout. Oh, fat, fat. All right, all right, all right. I like large women, I'll say it. Oh, not the one I'm thinking, fat, fat. That one is...

Rape? Yeah, it was. Probably the one of you. Of me, yeah. I didn't want to do that. A lot of people have been raped by that person. I know, I didn't want to do it. A lot of people have been raped by that person. I know. I didn't want to do it. A lot of a lot of first or the second or the third time. Please do not even joke about that. Yeah, no, I've seen some weirdos. I've seen some like Thai boy looking. Thai boys all right. I I made an addendum like they are straight out of Thailand.

I said, oh, but like in the past, she was shoeless covered in dust. Make sure I saw you fireworks on the side of the holding a fish carcass. In the past couple of years, it's only been attracted.

The hot. Oh, wait, it was hot. Who was the hot woman? It was some bitch. In Austin. Some bitch in Austin. We just kept saying that she looked like a hot woman. What were we saying? Humor doesn't translate.

Oh yeah, right, because know, humor doesn't translate. Oh yeah, right, because she didn't understand your humor. And you're like, I don't know what jokes are telling in your wigwam. I don't know what fucking scratches people are etching on the wall in your fucking cage. Just because she was like, a little bit brown. Just because she was like, a little bit brown. She didn't laugh at one of my jokes and I just went nuclear. Sorry I'm not too keen on hut humor, OK?

Sorry I'm not making observations about the mud on the walls. All right. She's a good girl. I just imagining you like fucking this witch doctor now. Yeah, it looked like that. The photo that he showed me looked like that. Looks like a witch doctor also, because it's a woman with tits and a dick. And you're like, that's that's there's been some doctoring. He really buried buried the lead on that one, Jordan.

The whole way to skydiving, Jordan's like, you for sure have AIDS. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh my God. I'm like, in bed, she showed me the test, and said she's clean. Yeah, that's all it, you can always rely on that. On a stranger showing you a test. What's the most busted person you've ever, you know, spent an evening with?

They almost just said their name out loud. The most busted person. Well, I mean, obviously not a name, but like what, you know, they look like. Oh, well, five, two, five, three. That's a big thing with girls, five, three. That's a big thing with girls. It's the shorts. Micro, pee pee. No, really?

Not micro, but like that. Pretty good in bed though. That's pretty big though. Yeah. I just reveal I have just a tiny cock. It's pretty nice. Yeah, that looks good. It's like this.

I bet that has a good personality attached to it. Micro, micro penis. Yeah, I've heard, a friend of mine like was literally like this from this part up. What? I mean, at that point, you're just, don't even say you have a penis. You just use a toe.

Yeah, totally. That's crazy. Hard? I mean, it's just, that's a deformity. It's the only deformity that we talk about is it's like micro, you know what I mean? It's just a, that's a deformity. It's the only deformity that we talk about is, and it's like micro, you know what I mean? It's like somebody missing a hand. They're missing their penis.

Yeah, it's a rough, it's a rough card to draw. We should call it, I don't have, I would say I don't have a penis. I have a mouth, I would not say I have a micro penis. I'd be like, I don't have a dick. And then yeah, just be pleasantly surprised. Like when you, oh, he's kind of got a penis. Right, but it's like feeling like I have a hand when you have that weird nub thing.

It's like, no, you don't have a hand. You know, I don't think people with nubs are like, I have a hand, too. I know. That's what I'm saying. That's why I'm saying we should do that with penis. Like I'm saying, if we don't do that with hands, with penis, we're like, I don't have a penis. But there's a no. And you're like, yeah, I don't know.

Don't you promise? I think it looks like a little tiny penis. I have a little mushroom. It's a little beanie-y. That's the problem. The knob is not a fully formed hand. I think they have a fully formed penis. Big tiny. Oh, I would love to see one.

I love, I love, just for entertainment, I'm not actually, I don't like rub one out to it, but cuck porn is so great when it's the guy with the little dick and the ring around it and his wife is getting fucked and he's like,, oh my piece of shit. I love so fun I don't watch him, but you know what I love but you just really love my erection just forming as I talk about this You wouldn't be able to talk Wait, wait, wait. Why do you like cock porn? I like just think it's hilarious

I like the idea of cooking and watch one Wait, you have cucking your guy. No, cucking somebody with my guy. Oh. Like Ronan. Pfft. You had a name while I walked in, what? I don't wanna fuck you Ronan, but I wanna cuck you. I think about it all the time.

Ronan, my friend Walter. Walter? Just like just to fuck you Ronan, but I want to cuck you. I think about it all the time. Ronan, my friend Walter. Walter! Just like just to fuck in front of them and be like, oh, you can't fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you can watch. I did that before. It was pretty hot. Really?

Yeah, I cucked the guy. Nice. And then I... Wait, was it with the girl? Yeah, with the girl. And we cuckeded them and then I had a like quint from jaws. That's so funny.

And then 400 cucks went into the water. 300 came. We got some, we got them right where we wanted him. And then we cooked him. I looked at him. I said, you're going to need a bigger cock. You're all night folks. Hey everybody. The easiest way to do anything is to break it down to pieces. That makes babbles. you're gonna need a bigger cock. Oh, I'm here all night, folks. out in the real world. No more wasting time learning vocab you'll never use. Personal endorsement, it's only good

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That's code SKA at ChubbyShorts.com. Support the show and tell them that we sent you. Don't blend in with the crowd. Stand out with Chubbies. Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalallalalalalalallalalalalil. Um, so, uh, I, it was funny because she'd, I told her about my, I'm covered in tattoos and she didn't really notice it. And he's like, he can't- What kind of conversation do you fucking have with people before you meet them?

Just so you know, heads up, I'm covered. Before you meet me, you might want to know. You may want to get an idea of the goods before you get your hands on it. Alarm, but I do have a twitty bird. I do have a I do have a Taz Tasmanian devil. Also, my cat's name is my mother. I have a Tas, Tasmanian Devil tattoo. Also my cat's name as well as my mother's. I don't want you to think I was in prison for a long time, but uh.

I hope you like Tasmanian Devil in Chicago Bulls Jersey. Cause I'm about to bounce on that pussy. Yeah. I have quite a few butterflies. I'm about to bounce on that pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have quite a few butterflies. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. How many tattoos do you have? And do you like other roses? He has three butterflies, I'll tell you that. Oh, that's a lot. I have so many butterflies. I love butterflies. I don't have anything.

Do you have anything, Jordan? Yeah. Oh yeah? What do you have? Oh, she's got a cowboy on a horse with arrows. It's a dead cowboy. Oh, I made a mistake in my description. We'll have sleep over here.

We could, I like that. I like that. I got a tiger. What else is over there? Tiger? I got a rose that's getting other flowers as a gift. Oh, oh. I got a knife.

Whoa. I got, that's a scar. I got this lady. Oh, whoa. Oh, she got sleepy lady. Those are good. You have some good ones too. You have some bad ones, but you have some good ones too. Fuck you. What's bad? I can't decide if he's happy or sad. What bad ones? I don't know. I mean, I don't like chronicle your tattoos, but you show me some that I think are really nice. I remember you guys ripped me apart. Yeah. I remember you guys ripped me apart for my skull with a mohawk that says NYC.

That's my favorite one of your tattoos. Thank you. Actually, that one's my first favorite and this one's my second. Lowkey. Secret. Secret Chinese. Yeah, I like the bird more than I like. I mean, it just it just seems like too much with the New York City and the no, it's cool. Yeah, it's cool. Dan, every different structure, different folks. I'll tell you why it's cool, because it's only black and white.

Yeah. If it was in color, it'd be gay because you can't get a sparkly, pretty glittery one. But also I got it a flash sale at New York adorned the last day. It was open and that was a staple tattoo parlor on the Lower East Side. I got it done by, shout out Todd Noble, they had a bunch of people doing tattoos all throughout the day, lime was around the block to get one final tattoo

at New York Adorned, I got it on a picnic table out back. Yeah, it is cool. Yeah! Who's like the most famous tattoo artist? That one guy who does all of the M&M and 50 Cent. Oh, any of these guys. Who's that guy? Come on. Famous guy. People would always shoot up his spot in LA.

I don't know the names of any tattoo artist. He did Mac Miller. He did M&M. He did 50 Cent. He did everybody. The one guy, people would, he lived in the, there was a whole fucking documentary about him. Come on, his name is Skeevy, Skitchy, Misty.

I don't know anything about, that's why I asked the question, I don't know. West coast guy, guns shooting. I think like Justin Timberlake came in. Why are you talking like you're talking into Google? Because I'm looking at Ethan. I am talking to Google over there. Look at him with his little dad outfit.

You look cute Ethan. I can't wait for you to have a son. Aw, are you gonna have a son? You're having a kid? You gonna name him Tucker? I don't, I hope I'm not Tucker. You're having a son? I have not, not thought at all.

No, I hope not. He's dating a little matching girl that looks just like him on the girl version. They're little mice. They're really cute. They're really cute. Good for you. It's Stuart Little and his wife.

Yeah. Are you, are you, do you have a boyfriend right now? Are you dating somebody? Oh, sorry. Sorry for asking. Yes, I am. Yep. All right, should we not talk about that?

I don't know. No, go for it. She's an open book that you don't want to read. Go ahead. Yeah. It's an Necronomicon. What's his name? She's a book of spells. Is he fat? She's a book of spells. She's a book of spells.

She's a Tibetan book of the dead. If you were a book, it would be a book of spells. Come on, who's the famous People now smile on your brother Everybody get together One love, one another I just got worried about my dog being at home, but she's my hero. Okay. Yes, I am dating somebody. It's been on and off for love one another right now. I just got worried about my dog being at home, but she's my hero. Oh.

Okay, yes, I am dating somebody. It's been on and off for two and a half years. Oh, so it's the same one from earlier episodes. Yeah. Okay. It's going okay. I'm glad. Yeah. And that's wonderful.

And I'm happy for you. Yeah, no, I'm good. You know, every relationship has patches. It's really hard to do it. Relationships are tough. Yeah. Do you guys see a couples therapist? No, I've done the thing.

You know how you are like, I'm gonna throw up if I drink. I need that drug for saying the words it's over. If I just could stop saying that, if I could stop saying we should end it. How many times have you guys broken up? Oh, 11. Wow. That's a lot of times. I guys broken up? Oh, 11. Wow. That's a lot of times.

I have, I found out. That's exhausting to go through that 11 times. Yes. It's exhausting for you. I have stretch marks cause my weight fluctuates so much. Well, you both look great. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Appreciate that, Dan, you too. I actually have gained a lot of weight, but thank you. I wish there was a drug that could make me not say that. It's called self-control. You go to SLA? Yeah. What do you think? How'd you know? But, you know, you brought up AA like immediately to me.

Yeah. So, you know, birds of a feather. How'd you know I was in SLA? I literally just, cause you just, wait, you just did an SLA qualification. What, which one? When you just told me about 11 breakups. Oh. Yeah. That was big, like, you-

Oh, I qualified. Your explanation of your relationship was an SLA qualification. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My ex is my qualification, you know what I mean? Oh! Hey! Oh, damn.

And my current boyfriend. Pfft. Yeah, no, it is hard. You know what I mean? Hey. And my current boyfriend. Yeah, no, it is hard. No, the meetings are good and SLA helps a lot. I mean, it helps because if I do the thing where if like anything's wrong in my life, I'm like, it's the relationship, it must go. As opposed to being like, this is a thing I can rely on. I also just don't trust it.

I think everything ends and I always, like if I was told, if you told me I had cancer, I'd be like, I'd kill myself immediately. Cause I just, I can't deal- You had so many fucking sweet oxies. No, I can't, I can't deal with the buildup. You, uh, both of our mental illnesses just came out. I don't explain.

I'd kill myself, but what about drugs? Or if I had a cookie I was going to eat later. I could use another butterfly. Yeah. Well, but then I'm like, I'm not as bad of an alcohol gazean and I just immediately qualify. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, it seems like, I don't know, with cancer, I feel like you would immediately want to die

as soon as you got cancer. I can't stand impending doom. Right. Like I can't. But it's doom, I'm in the same way. Yeah. With certain things, but like doom's coming. I know, but I just want to get married

so that I can be like the person is staying. The idea that they could leave me makes me just want to end it. Well, guess what? Marriage is end too. Not mine. Oh, look at? Marriage is end to not mine. Look at them. Is this, is this a guy you're thinking about getting married to?

I would never, but I would love that. But you would, if he, if he like came over and like popped the question, you'd be like, absolutely. Yeah. He said it. He said to me, has he been talking to you or what? You know something? I don't know. I'm just cord. Absolutely. If he asked cordially. Absolutely. If he asked, you would say yes. Go ahead. Somebody's got to kiss.

Yeah, no, no. What do you want? No, no, no. What do you want to say? I don't know if there's ever been such a beautiful dog. Your dog is really fucking cute. She looks like a freaking painting. Yeah. And she matches Ethan's brown outfit. She actually looks a little like my dog. God.

Sure. Mm-hmm. She's such a little wily fucker though. Look at her. Oh Sim god. Sure. She's such a little wily fucker though. Look at her. Oh Simba. Imichimidimichimidumbo. Imichimidimichimidumbo.

Imichimidimichimidumbo. We just named a new comic that got passed up the ceiling. Yes, Imichimidimichimidumbo. It's really good. He's fine, he's okay. Oh there go my spots. Yeah. Whatcham to call it?

You may not eat any of the good things up here. You can eat the thing I gave you down. Oh, Dan record is special and it's really good. What's it called? Dance Fatty Dance. It's on YouTube. It's free. Is it Dan?

Dance. Okay. C. That's great. FID. A-N-C-E. For dancing That's great. FID. ANCE. For dancing up a storm. By dance. But yeah, it's free. Where'd you record it? Oh, I guess it's Williamsburg Comedy Club now. You recorded it at Brooklyn Comedy Club?

How'd it go? Well, good. I mean, I knew I could, you know, like shout out to Sam Black for fucking filming it, but that was, I was nervous about being able to fill it. And so I filled two shows. That's all I cared about. It wasn't weird? That's the weirdest room in New York. You think that's the weirdest room in New York?

For me, I've only done it with like six people, max. Well, you know, if it's packed, it's packed. It's a tiny black box. So it's like, this sounds great. I've never had it packed. It feels great. Yeah, when it was packed, it was great. black box. So it's like, this sounds great. I've never had it packed. It feels great. Yeah. It was packed. It was great. Yeah. Now it's Williamsburg Comedy Club.

Is it better? The backdrop is better. And I kind of got in my head because I just did Maron. And the first thing like Mark said was like, yeah, was it not finished? And I was like, no, it's fucking, it was the name of the club. It's letters for the club. And he's like, oh, okay. I mean, it's good. And I was like, no, it's fucking, it's the, it was the name of the club. It's letters for the club.

And he's like, oh, okay. I mean, it's good. And I was like, God damn. I'm gonna be in my fucking head about this the whole fucking time. That's awesome though. Giving love to the local. Yeah.

Hunderdog. Yeah. I mean, I was able to fill it. They're really, that was, but you know, they were great. They've been, they were good to me, man. They give me spots, you know, they're the most consistent club as far as giving me spots. So.

Yeah, totally. They hit me up. Maybe I'll do it. Friday's and Saturday's are fun, but if you're, you know, I mean, the thing is, if you're on the road, you know, it's always like, how much, how much do you get up? Only when I'm cucking someone. I get up, I get up every night. You got up every night. Yeah. So, wait, you would cuck. You'd be into that.

What is it about it? You can look what you cannot touch. Yo, dude, I have a serious problem about like, like if somebody's like, like, I know I've said this before on the pod, but like if somebody's like, like I know I've said this before on the pod, but like if somebody's like seriously get the fuck off me, I don't wanna fuck you, I become ravenous. And I know that that sounds like I'm like a rapist in the making, but like-

You can't do that as a guy. I know. As a girl, there's a world where we- These are girl thoughts only. It's so fucked up. Isn't that crazy? So you're like, are you, is like fleabag, are you in a priest's and shit?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. If a priest was like, I can't, don't even talk about it. Totally. I took an oath to God that I, I think, I think that that's why, why, I think that's why girls like married guys so much

cause they're breaking the oath. Yeah. Ooh, do you want to fuck Dan? He doesn't want to fuck. He's married. I'm married. I'm not for sale. I don't like sharing. It's oh, whoa. Oh, look at her plop down.

I want to put your face in my mouth. Don't scare her. Yeah. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Oh, my God. So cute. Yeah, she's the best. God, I love fucking dogs, man. Oh, God. That was a wet wheelie in there. No, it's more like it's somebody-

Are you my girlfriend? Are you my girlfriend now? No, you're not. Are you dating me? No, she's a lesbian. You want to watch a movie in my bedroom? She hasn't gotten her first period. Do you want to watch H.P. Chora?

Stop, stop, stop. I just saw how pedophiles work. Yeah. What? Yeah. Like you do the fun voice and then you don't realize like what you're doing. Are you my girlfriend?

Are you my girlfriend? Are you my girlfriend? Going to play doctor? Do you want to come over and cover? Cucking would be cool because the person... No it wouldn't it's gross and weird. Is it? I don't want someone to... You said you did it. Yeah I'm talking about I cuck someone. I'm not gonna get cucked. Well what was it like cucking someone? I wasn't asking you to cuck. Did you like when you when you're... Well I wouldn't say yes. When you like, when you were- Well, I wouldn't say yes. When you were doing it, you were like, you fucking piece of shit, I'm fucking your fucking woman.

No, but I was like, I was like, he can't fuck you like I can, right? Turn around so you can get fucked by a man. That's sick, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I want. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I want to go in the corner like,

I don't know what to do. Yeah, yeah, he was so pathetic. No. No. No. No. What was he doing? Dude, I want to go in the corner like... Yeah, yeah, he was so pathetic. What was he doing? What was he doing? He was just like... Owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie! Owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie Oh, my pee pee smile. She's going to get you. Yeah. Yeah. But the funny part was I left my nose on. Yeah, she'll get in there. I left my rings on their nightstand. And when I got done, I left and they were like,

like cuddling and trying to like kiss. And I had to go back in the room and crawl because I didn't want to like Interrupt so I'm just crawling looking for my rings. I'm like, I did don't mind me. I they're like, do you need an uber? I'm like I'll find my way home It was down in DC before the pandemic It was cool, How did you find? Yeah, she'll get in there. She really did. Oh, yeah. What the fuck?

She's cheating on me. You raised a little whore. Oh, no, you're talking to me. You like you like. The knee is right. I don't know why she when I adopted her, all of the puppies I picked up and they were all cuddly and I picked her up and it went right in my nose.

I know she just loves it. Just kick her off. You know, it's overwhelming, isn't it? So keep going back. I got my mouth. I got my mouth. Ari Shabir did it to her, opened his mouth and just went like this. And let her lick the inside of his mouth.

Yeah. Clean it up. Clean him up. Dude, good job. Get in there. There's something about it that you... I'm married! I don't know what it is. It's so easy to make the dog stop. But why do they do that? Alright, that's enough.

She does it. No, no, when I picked her up, the rest of the puppies wouldn't do it. Look at this whore. The rest of the puppies wouldn't do it. I picked her up, it went right in my nose, and the foster parent went, Yeah, that one does that. Go to your mommy. Yeah, she's a kitty.

Oh my god. I, she's a kitty. Oh, God. Oh. I know it's really overwhelming. It was a whirlwind. I need a cigarette now, don't I? Oh, boy. I'm gonna fucking start lactating. Yeah, it's really crazy.

It's sweating. It's hot. He's... Oh, I just haven't been touched like that in a while. That's really like frantic and scary sometimes. It puts curls all over my face. Does that dude, does he do that every yes? Yeah.

No, she's not here every week. She's here, look at her, she's so bummed out that you kicked her off, she's depressed. She's just like. Oh, look at her. Oh. No, don't that you kicked her off. She's depressed. She's just like, Oh, look at her. Away whore. Get out of here. You're used up. All dogs go to heaven, but my dog goes everywhere else.

You're dirty. Get in there. No, you're not pure. She's a little snake. You have too high. You're dirty. Get in there. No, you're not pure. She's a little snake. You have too high of a body count. She's not going to lick your balls. Is there are there any people? No. Hey, sorry, sorry. Are there any people she doesn't like?

Is she an ever better person? Oh, get your dog away from me. She's so cute. I want her. She hates Middle Eastern people. Oh, my God. Black people. She loves more than white people. And then white people. Middle Eastern people. Oh, my God. Black people. She loves more than white people and then white people. Middle Eastern people. She goes, well, interesting. Yeah, it's very weird.

Did you train her? No. Yes. No. She is. She goes to airports a lot, so it might be a TSA. Is an American. She's actually really intense, like it'll be a bunch of kids hanging out. She goes up, kisses everything. And then there'll be like a little Hispanic kid or anybody like Brown. And she's like, ooh.

She likes black and white. She doesn't like Brown. Brown freaks her out. She's like, what the hell? She's a Republican. She's a, she's an American. She's a patriot. She's a patriot.

She's a patriot. Do you want to get, I want to get to the point where I'm calling my fans, Patriots. Oh yeah. That's great. Somebody does that. There's one coming. Really?

Yeah. Who is it? I think it's a, I'm not gonna say. Tyler Fisher? Yeah, I think it's Tyler Fisher. Oh really? Yeah, I think he actually calls us, like I don't have fans,

so I don't have to call them anything, but. They'd be Danaholics. I just called them St. Germaniacs for a little bit. St. Germaniacs. Oh, that's great. What are yours called, Jordan? What are you calling you? Jensenites.

Autistic people. What would mine be called? Incels. No. Incels don't like me. Who would you call your fans? Incels do not like him. Incels are very smart.

What? What? No, they're not like him. Intel's are very smart. What? What? No, they're not. The Intel's like you? No. Oh, the guy at the coffee shop recognized me today and gave me a free coffee. Nice.

What coffee shop? It was by the boxing gym on Bleaker. I forget what it's called. It's a nice feeling. It's the nicest. What should I call mine? They eat animals. The eye animals. The eye animals. The eye animals. The fight answers. What should I call mine? The E-Animals. The I-Animals.

The I-Animals. The I-Animals. The Fied Answers. Fied Answers. Mine would be Jordanian Devils. Oh, the Insanity Asylum. She's eating. I think it's for her.

Yeah, that's hers. Yeah. Just wanna make sure. The Insanity Bin. When she was a puppy, she couldn't even get. Just want to make sure. The insanity bin. When she was a puppy, she couldn't even get through. The loony bin. The loon. The insane. It's eye animals. The eye animals.

Yep. Thanks, guys. I think fight answers is better. The fight answers. Yeah. Yeah. Just by dancing with myself. Oh, I've been getting curious. Be Jeff are curious. That in. I'm a little, I'm a little are curious. Hmm. Are curious.

It's a documentary about people who are into fucking R Kelly. I don't know. I had a good time. I know they complain, but I, I. Dude, we should have Jeff R Curion. And see what happens. What do you mean? I just feel like his constituents are the opposite of ours.

Bunch of nerds. No, hot girls. Really? Not cum sluts like you like. Like, like- You can be a hot girl in a cum slut. I don't like cum sluts. I mean, I like them, but I don't always go for them.

No, like models. Some models like me. Not models for fucking fake dildos and shit. What the fuck is this? Butthole models. Like real fucking models. I like butthole models. I know you do.

Yeah, what are you modeling today? A crinkly wrinkly? That's what your fans are called, the crinkly wrinkly. The crinkly wrinkly's. Was a nice little star. So you filmed it at Brooklyn Comedy Club? Yeah, I filmed it there. Who edited it? It was two buffoons, so shout out Jason Katz and Ryan.

Mark Hall edited it. Jason Katz is the best. Mark Hall is the great guy. And the other guy, I don't know him. Ryan Devere. Yeah. Those guys are great. That's great.

Dan's Fatty Dan's? Shout out to those three guys. I like Dan's Fatty Dan's. Shout out to those three guys. I like Dan's Fatty Dan's. Yeah, I was. I like his DFD. Yeah, I was glad because I was about to I was about to call it something else. Then Pete Holmes came out with the same fucking title. So I was like, oh, my God.

What? Whatever. Warren White. Last one. Oh, no, it's funny. Whoever the last one, whatever the Pete's last one was called, like I forget what it's called now. I forget what it is. Wow. Interesting. Yeah. It's hard to decide. I was thinking about calling it, let it loose. But then I was like, oh, that's a stone song. So I feel like that's cool. Self-indulgent,

though. Oh, you know, let it loose. No dance fatty dances. Oh, dude. I met Gene Simmons. He didn't. Yeah. He was at the Kiev Forum and he came up to me and was like, I really like you. I really like your voice. It's really great on stage. I go same to you fucking Gene Simmons. And he laughed. And then we talked very complimentary. He told Bert that he liked me. Bert told me that that was cool to hear. And then he left. He goes, Hey, Ian, why were the ladies such a fan of Jesus Christ? And I stood up and at the same time we went because he was hung like this.

Yay. That's awesome. Yeah. Holy shit. I have Gene Simmons his tongue. No, let me see. You do have a long tongue. It's brown from the coffee. One of the funniest compilations. Can you suck a dick and lick the balls at the same time? Really? Yeah.

Will you go out with me? No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. Your eyes centered down all the way into. Well you go steady with me. You wouldn't be my girlfriend. That's so funny. Yeah, you.

All right. I can't. What do you mean? You do this? No. I can't do any tongue tricks. This is the app, that's it. Normal one. You sound like you got stung by bees. You do this? No. I can't do any tongue tricks. Who does that? That's a normal one.

You sound like you got stung by bees. You know what I'd really be getting into? JOI. What's JOI? Jerk off instructions. Oh my God. Oh, is this for porn? Yeah.

Everybody needs to stop having sex for a year. Everybody needs to just recover mentally from the sickness that is sex. I don't know. I think I would, that would probably hurt me if I didn't have sex for a year. With your wife is fine. You're in God's hands.

All right. You're also fine, Tucker Carlson. If you're single. What's wrong with me? You're listening. You could benefit. You could benefit. You could benefit from that.

I'm enjoying myself and I'm being J O I-ing yourself. I am enjoying. You're like, I'm coming in women, I'm having sex and you're listening to this. I never make myself coming in women. I've had sex once. I think back off boundary. I think we've both gotten that call or text, which is like, I'm just, I don't know.

I'm fucking, but I just did. Nothing's good. It's not good. Nothing was good. Yeah. You need to take a break. You take a break. I'm fine. You take a break. The jerk off instructions are good. You're never going to meet somebody if you keep creaming your onion

onto the wrong fence post. What am I doing? Yeah, that's the problem. God, I wish I didn't say what I said. Yeah, why'd you say creaming a fence post? Creaming an onion, too. Creaming an onion, I don't know. Creaming an onion.

You know when you just get, you're just wiping it off on stuff that doesn't deserve your good, good goo. Thank you for thinking my goo is good, good. It's a nice compliment. Yeah. You got to just, you know, you got to just save your seed. Save your seed.

We're doing dirty socks like an old farmer. Yeah. Put it into a good harvest. I got to tell you, there's a storm coming. We don't have to get the cows. These crops are looking to be cultivated. We're going to have to get these chickens back in the barn. I think I might have cropped dust. I heard the foxes making noise.

I won't have to watch the hen hatch. Yeah, that's actually good. Have either of you ever fucked farm people? Yes. What? No, I didn't, she entered a yes automatically. Yep. Farm boy.

A pig farmer, a boy that I was about to say his name, very hot, they're always so hot and so stupid. Yeah, I dated one for a little bit, or fucked him. You can't say you dated him, he's too stupid, but yeah, for a while. No farm girls. A girl that lived on a farm broke my heart. It's a farm girl.

You didn't have sex there? No, I didn't have sex. I'm a farm girl. Are you? I grew up on a farm. You're a barn girl. Yeah, we had horses and goats. You're a dogs.

Barnyard person. We had a lot of cats. Did I ever tell, I don't know why I just thought of this, but. Say it Dan. Well, it's my one, my one celebrity story that I talk about on stage, but I'll talk about it here. This is like, yeah, of course, of course. Yeah.

It was, I was a movie usher at the IFC center. And this was a day, a day after. That's a good job. It was a good, it was a good comic job. Yeah, good comic job. I was like 22. And it was a day after Ale That's a good job. It was a good comic job. Yeah, good comic job. I was like 22. It was the day after Alec Baldwin called Iroh a pig. Do you remember that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so we were showing this documentary about. We were showing this documentary about Mr. Hands, that guy who got fucked to death by a horse. Yes. No, no. Oh, Alec Baldwin came in at 11 a.m. the next day after getting canceled for calling his daughter a pig with glasses on and a hat,

went to go see the horse fucking documentary. I just hear from, I hear in my back, I literally hear disturbing wasn't it? I look around as Baldwin goes, ooh, and he wakes. That's so crazy. 11 a.m. No, the first showing of the horse documentary after getting canceled on the view, his first, his first coping mechanism was, Oh,

I'm going to get my mind off this. Let me see what that horse, horse fucking documentaries all about. Oh my God. That is so weird. My, my daughter so weird. Alone? Alone, alone, alone, alone. Yeah, for sure alone. That is so fucking weird. Yeah, I think it led to the rushing.

I mean, my daughter's a pig, but she's no animal. This is terrible. That is so weird. Very bizarre. That's cool. The document, the video that you showed me that made me nauseous. Oh, you don't have bestiality videos, do you? No, but it's that video, the Mr. Hands. Oh, yeah. Well, that's a famous one.

That's not like, yeah, but it made me sick. It's bad. So WorldStar, you see, because it's because of the noise. Yeah. The guy goes, stop, stop, stop, stop. I used to work at a restaurant and at night when we'd put on music to clean up, we'd always switch on like who gets the music and I'd put that on over the stereo in the restaurant. And just hear everyone, you just hear, we're cleaning up, you just hear clip clop, clip clop.

Humble, humble. Stop, oh my God. Do people know what it was? Oh yeah. Do people know what it was? Shout out Eclipse, Bistro. Do people know what it was? Oh yeah. Did people know what it was? Shout out Eclipse. Bistro. Did people know what it was?

Yeah, cause I told them and showed them. You made them see it. Cause I made them watch me masturbate to it. What? One day there was like a whole, like it was like for a full fucking, like two days, it was like a woman getting fucked by a golden retriever. What?

On the top queue. No way. Am I the only one who saw this? And you kept going back to it? Well, I just wanted to hit refresh. See if it's still there. Here I am, furiously masturbating all the time. But yeah, it was on there, I guess, you know, somebody finally took it down.

That's illegal. Yeah, it wasn't great. That's crazy. I mean, the dog seemed to be fine with it. I didn't watch it, but I'm just saying, the dog in the thumbnail. The dog loved it. How do you know the dog seemed to be fine with it

if you didn't watch it? This is how Marley and me should have been. That's so fucked up. I guess, is it fucked up if the dog does it? I don't know. I think it's, I mean, we eat fucking cows. It's probably worse. Yeah, I know. I always think about that

Yeah, where did be better to fuck them rather than eat them? Yeah, I used to have a bit like that But I think Louie had but they can't consent It's yeah, but they aren't consenting to consenting to death either. Yeah, I think there'd be I'd much rather take getting fucked and being No, if I'm a chicken if I'm a dog, I'd rather just fucking kill me. I don't want you to fuck me. Can you get the fluff out of your mouth? And then we gotta act like we're friends. And I still gotta get excited when you come home

knowing what you did to me. She eats this and then I pull a poop out of her butt and then this is attached and then another poop comes out and I have to pull it all out like a fricking. Rapunzel. Do you have to do the anal glands thing? I don't have to do that with my dogs. No, I don't know. Yeah, you will have I don't do the anal glands thing. I don't have to do that with my dog. No, I don't know.

Yeah, you will have to squeeze them. The anal glands. Yeah, she hasn't gotten her period yet. I'll be the judge of that. I have to get her neutered. When? She's getting spayed. She's spayed.

Spayed. Yeah. What's the difference? Neutered is if it's a dude and spade if it's a girl. What's the matter? What? Really? Why am I so tired?

Probably because I did two fucking workouts because Caitlin Ploof is a goddamn animal. Jesus Christ. Do you work out? Jesus Christ. I did the treadmill two days ago, but now. Where do you do it? We have a treadmill at home.

My wife is insane with working out. Like she has a personal trainer and. Really? What does she do? It wouldn't hurt you to have that real ball of on you. Yeah, I know, I know. home. My wife is insane with working out like she has a personal trainer and really. Wouldn't hurt you to have that real ball of on you. Yeah, I know. I know. She's we have a typical sitcom relationship. I'm a big fat pig and she's a tiny blonde woman. Really? Yes. She hot. He also works for the Postal Service.

Are you depressed? You have a hot blonde wife. Yeah, who's a trove. Do you? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how I'm depressed. I really don't know. It's, it's. Do you have any children? No kids. Don't want them. Three dogs. I go back and forth, but I prefer dogs, I believe. That's crazy. What does your wife do? How did you meet her? She's a producer and casting. She's a casting associate director. Oh, maybe that's why you're depressed. She casted. Your wife is a caster and hasn't put you in anything. She put me in one thing, but yeah. She casted Mr. Hands. Thank you for looking for holes in the relationship. Yeah, you're welcome. I appreciate that.

I appreciate that. I said it too early, but she casted Mr. Hands. She was the casting director of the Mr. Hands video. She's famous, dude. Yeah, she booked that. No, my wife is, she's hot, you know? Yeah, I walked out. Everybody's got a hot wife, everybody's wife is hot. You notice that? Mm-hmm. You think my wife's hot, Ian? You think my wife's hot, Ian?

Yeah, you trying to get cucked? I just need to get cucked. Oh, I'm a piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Holding your vape instead of your dick. Oh, it's bigger than my dick! My tiny fucking dick! I think that is what it's like. Oh, she's going home.

Speaking of cooking, how dare you? That little Jezebel. So when did you get back? Sunday at 5.30. Fell asleep, missed my 8 o'clock seller's spot, woke up to Ryan's and I was like, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I was like, I'm going to the bathroom. I was did you get back? Sunday at 5.30, fell asleep, missed my eight o'clock seller's spot, woke up to Ryan Reese calling me and going, you were supposed to be on stage 10 minutes ago. And I was like, I'll be there in a half hour. Yeah, then why are you calling? And then they, thank God they, someone was there, went up and then I just went up and did a shorter set.

And then I came home and I fucking I don't know I stayed to hang with a tell and then I got back at like fucking 3 a.m. I slept till like 430 last night and then I didn't fall asleep until 7.30 this morning. That's the story you told me about a tell going on fire is one of the funniest things. Especially because like when you reference it later on he goes we get it I a tell going on fire is one of the funniest things. Especially because like when you reference it later on, he goes, we get it. I was on fire. Did I ever tell you that? We were, we were in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and he was, we were in the car and we were going to a print shop to print out posters.

And sometimes when we're smoking, like instead of like flicking it, you'll put it in like a soda can or something. Or he'll just like put it crumpled up, put it in his pocket. So he's like, I'll be in a second. I'm going to make a phone call. I'm like, all right. So I go inside and I'm talking to the woman. make a phone call. I'm like, all right, so I go inside and I'm talking to the woman. So I'm talking to the woman at the counter and all of a sudden you're like, bing bong. And he's in and I like, don't see him. And then the woman stops talking to me and just looks over and then looks back at me and goes, excuse me, sir, I think your friend is on fire.

And she goes, sir, sir, you're in flames. And I had to go over and stop on his his jacket with him. Are you were you laughing as you're stomping? I was dying laughing, sir I think your friend is on fire and then I like was telling the story to someone and he goes all right we get it I caught on fire. That's the funniest part of it. on fire. That's the funniest part of it. Enough already. Enough already.

He didn't put the cigarette out. He put a lit cigarette in his pocket. And it probably had receipts and shit. Instead of a crumpling it up and putting it out, he just put it in his pocket. Oh my God. That is so funny. That is so fucking funny. So funny. One time I did a comedy show fairly recently through my God. That is so fucking funny.

So funny. One time I did a comedy show fairly recently, threw my jacket onto a table because they were like, you're going right up, threw it on the table immediately. Jesus Christ. Immediately, Chanel is like, your coat's on fire. I got it. Do you smoke? You smoke cigarettes? No, I vape.

Dude, I saw I saw Ryan Hamilton run his hour before I was passed to the cellar in the Fat Black Lounge when they... Yep. Yeah, you had a real problem with that. When they, what? She's saying Fat Black Lounge. Fat Black Lounge.

It's just whenever he says black, he's like, I can't say it. Yeah. Before they... Because he's reminded of the time that he got raped by a big... What? Jesus.

What? Call back. Call back. Call back to. She was black. Did we not say she was black? Obviously. So, um, it was earthquake? So, he was, aww, hi baby. So, trot, trot, trot, trot. Ryan Hamilton was doing

his hours before I got past to the cellars at the Fast Black Lounge and he made a joke and I laughed so hard I went, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and then the back of my hair caught on fire. I'm patting it out. Oh my God. And I was so embarrassed. And a minute later, he's like, hot air balloon. Is that human hair? I'm sorry.

But it's kind of weird that he knew, I love Ryan, but it's kind of weird that he knew like, what burnt hair smells like. That's not like something that's not like firewood light blonde shade of brown Fucking tell I guess you're giving a tell he's a serial killer right ride so funny Is my hair light blonde? Are you crazy? I mean, blonde, it's brown. Are you fucking nuts?

What's left is brown. Brown, blonde. Pretty dark brown. Is it? Brown, it's brown. For sure, it's not blonde. What would you call this? I think it would be Brown, blonde. Dark brown. Is it? Brown, it's brown for sure. It's not blonde. What would you call this? I think it would be Auburn. Auburn. Thanks so much. You too? Auburn. I think I'm closer to you.

I'm somewhere in between you two. Stuck in the middle of you. When and quick. Are we doing a paycheck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to stick around for a picture? Cool. Let's, uh, and this, uh, go to the bathroom and then come back 10 o'clock. Check out dance for any dance dance on YouTube. It's free. Punch up dot live slash finance

for all my dates in two weeks. Punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. Check out check, check out, check out death chunk on YouTube. Also Jordan Jensen. RIP Jordan Jensen health pod. Yes. When's it. Mental Unhealth Pod. Yes. When's it coming out? Next Monday. Awesome. It's out.

And Sarah Kubrick, existential psychologist, first episode. Amazing. And Ian Fidance, Wild, Happy and Free on the YouTube page. Check it out. Thank you everybody for all the love on it. I appreciate it. Patreon.com slash Ian Pod. We love you and we'll see you next time. Bye bye.

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