Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 099: Sissyphus W/ Rachel Feinstein & Raanan Hershberg

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Watch Raanan Hershberg's BRAVE here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMz4nrdX9w8 Watch Rachel Feinstein's BIG GUY here: https://www.netflix.com/title/81691534 Support the show & get free appetizers for life. Head to https://www.hellofresh.com/skaapps Refine your style with @CutsClothing and get 20% off with code SKA at https://cutsclothing.com/SKA #cutspartner  PODCAST MERCH HERE ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s WATCH RIP HERE - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tub6tSNi2Ho&t=2s Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Rachel Feinstein Here : https://www.instagram.com/rachelfeinstein_/ https://punchup.live/rachel-feinstein WATCH BIG GUY HERE: https://www.netflix.com/title/81691534 Follow Raanan Hershberg Here : https://www.instagram.com/raanancomedy/ https://punchup.live/raanan-hershberg Watch Raanan Hershberg BRAVE Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMz4nrdX9w8 Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree: https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Hey, everybody, patreon.com slash B and E and pod. Get all episodes we've ever put out, the bonus stuff. And 99.9% of them are just me and George hanging out, having fun, being nuts. So check that out. And also punchup.live slash Ian Firedance for all my dates. I'm going to Brea, California, the Brea Improv, June 27, June 28 to 29, Oxnard, Levity Live. Let's go. July 6, I'm at the Mirage in Las Vegas with Whitney Cummings. July 18 to the 20th, Rochester, New York Comedy on Carlson. July 25 to the 28th, Naples, Florida, August 2nd to August 3rd, Fort Collins, Comedy Fort, August 9th, Boston, Lamp Boston. I'm going all over. So punchup.live slash Ian Fidance, punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for her, all her dates. Come and see us on the road. It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive

Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan! being Ian with Jordan. You look so pretty today. Stop. Take it. Ready? You look so pretty. I know you do look pretty.

Put the jaw back. Put the jaw back. I was thinking that, but it's such a... I didn't want to be jarring, but yeah, you do look very pretty. What? Yes, and very fresh face. You look like you got... Right?

She hasn't showered. I stopped wearing makeup. You haven't showered. Yeah, you look beautiful I just I would like a lash all the time. It looks good You look pretty and it's shocking Ready, yes, I know you're gonna already stop Your skin feels weird I know you're very pretty. Your skin feels weird. I don't know. I think you always look pretty. I know, you're very pretty. Your skin is very beautiful.

They're all like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You look attractive. I've gotten way more compliments since I quit wearing makeup. Isn't that crazy? Time to compliment me. You're gay and a crab, man. Can I have the... Guys, when I went to the wrong address and I originally thought it was my fault, I started buying weird things for you guys. That says a lot.

Boy, would Alan Lefkowitz have a field day at the house. I will take some of these. Oh, you have Alan too? Yes, Alan's like, you're enough on your own, you don't have to bring all these things, I apologize. No, I don't have Alan. Welcome back to an episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. I am Ian Flydance. This is Who Are You? And we are so happy for our show today.

We have two wonderful guests that have two specials out. Ronon Hirschberg, what's the name of yours? Brave. Great. That's a great name for a special. Rachel Feinstein, what's the name of yours? My name, my special, my name is Big Guy. And where can we find it?

It's on Netflix. It should be reversed. Netflix. What's that? It's Netflix Big Guy. Your special name should be reversed. Oh, like mine should be, you're right. Guy Big?

Yeah. A fat guy. No, no, I thought. Oh, oh. Yeah. And you're brave for doing stand up because you're a woman. You're a woman.

And you're always brave. Yeah. Whatever, whatever. I'm like, mine is my story. And she's like, mine is a fat Jewish man. Fat Jewish Lisby man. I'm like, fuck, that's a good title. Where can we find yours, Renan?

Mine is on YouTube. Yes. Great white man's Netflix. Yes. And I'm joking. But it's on YouTube. And yeah, you can go to YouTube now, it's out. And I have a forwarding email,

because people go like, WW. Stop yelling. Do you need to be louder? What is this? Well, it's hard to write, because you gotta write my name on YouTube. Did you just say it's hard to rape? It's hard to rape.

It is hard to rape. That's to write my name on YouTube. Did you just say it's hard to rape? It's hard to rape. It is hard to rape. That's why Bill Cosby used that medication. Well, that's why he's here. He's giving us an instructional today on the episode. What's my other title? My original title was It's Hard to Rape. It was just me being like Sebastian Mankovic. It's hard to rape.

I thought it was like all the way to rape and back again. And it was just you like skidding in like five minutes late from rape. But if you go on YouTube or you can type in brave special dot com, which I know makes me sound retarded. But you can type in brave special dot com. Brave for saying that word. Yeah.

Look at you. Right, sorry. Mentally retarded. He's never played by the rules. He's a fucking bad boy. Yeah. Now, before we get into anything else. You just said rape, you're all turning on me all of a sudden.

We're like, rape, rape, rape, I'm like retarded. You're like, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, pal. I feel like if Eddie goes to the... Cut out the part where he said the N word. Yeah. Hey, um. I can say retarded, my mom's retarded, I can say retarded.

Yeah, I can say fags, my mom's are fags. Yeah, that's how it works. I can say anything I want my mom's retarded, I can say retarded. Yeah, I can say fag because my moms are fags. Yeah, that's how it works. I can say anything or one because this is America. It's getting to America. What if your reasoning was like someone very distant? I can say retarded, one of my mom's friends, cousins, daughter I've never met is know someone who's retarded. So yeah.

I always say what it is, like on stage I'll be like, I can make fun of trans people, I am trans. And people are like, oh, and I'm like, I'm not, but isn't it weird how you just, if people are like, that's fine. Did you have that in the back, like when I was just, before you said something offensive, you always were ready to be like, my brother is that.

Like that was always in the back of your head, right? No. No, I don't like it. That was always your thing. You would go, that was you. You would go, my brother's a throbbing retard. And everybody would be like, throbbing? Why would that even be needed? I had a joke in an open mic years ago.

My friends dared me to do it, so I was like, guys, I could say that. I could say that. My best, or I said something about black people, I was like, my best friends are slaves. Dude, that's really, I know, I said that I call my dog the N-word with an A the other day on stage, and I was like, it's okay, I have a lot of black friends,

one of which is my dog. And people are like, oh! This has become their very own. It's like an All Right podcast now. All right, all right, all right. Speaking of elephants in the rooms and things that you know, you should be careful about what you say, what is that big growth you have on the inside of your thigh,

Renan? Oh, what? Where? What? Oh my god, I have a growth in the inside of me. Is it a bug bite? Dude, it is. Oh, what? Where? What? Oh my God, I have a growth. Is it a bug bite? Dude, it is. What are you talking about? Other thigh.

Pull your leg up. Show Jordan. Where? Yank your leg up, Renan! This is not how you tell someone they're teeming with cancer. It's a bug bite. It's a bug bite.

Oh, is it? It's not a fun loving moment. Dude, the elephant I want to talk about in the room. Kid's got some nice legs. I know. You do have some nice legs. I'm a mythological creature. I have the legs of a thin girl and the torso of a fat man.

I'm like a Greek myth. They're not bad. Stop fucking hiding them shits with your soggy socks. Don't get your jobs in the way. So your Greek name would be Sisyphus. Yes. Nice. Um, I, uh, well.

I bet you sweep up plus-wise with sticks like that. As long as they don't look up. Plus-wise. As long as they're children. As long as they only look, yeah. I'll fuck a child. They'll just see my. No!

Why would I do that? Oh my. Stars, let's go to a caller. Tammy from Des Moines loves women in comedy. That's a really funny idea for a podcast where you're like really like offensive and then you just keep on going off on one guy for riffing with it and they're like, whoa.

Can I ruin it by saying that'd be really funny? For a podcast. Yes. I'm the guy who ruined shit. I'm like, we're having a lot of fun right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I feel like...

Dude, I did that with Monroe one time. We were on a road gig. And we, you know that song, Delamitri, Roll to me. Look around your world, pretty baby. If I let everything you want, it would be the right time and wrong situation.

The right time to roll me. I know the song. Yeah, I wasn't familiar with the name of the. Well, me and Monroe were singing it. Yeah, sorry. We were singing it three a.m. on the way back from a road gig. And we just got done the song. And I go, man, you're like, you're one of my best friends.

And then he was asleep. That is amazing. Or pretending to be asleep. He was asleep. I drugged him just so I could sit next to him and feel it. My husband always falls asleep when I want to like, when I ever am emotional about anything, it puts him right to bed.

Alan falls asleep on me. Really? Alan does? I had one eye, or like one therapist with one rancid eye, and they would blame, it was like one eye that was always kind of one wayward eye. Like the Booker from Stand Up New York. You mean lazy. Lazy eye, but it was like more lazy.

Technically the medical term is wayward and rancid. But it was, no, it was more, it was more. Like a disciplinary school for children. Yes, it was like a super lazy eye. And he would blame the eye when he was sleeping. I'm like, no, that was a nap. Both eyes were involved. You gifted yourself with a nice nap

when I was talking about why I can't trust men and you were fast asleep. Wait, Alan never goes this to you? You never go? God damn it. Alan gets a little shaky sometimes. why I can't trust men and you were fast asleep. Wait, Alan never goes this to you? You never get? Alan, God damn it. Alan gets a little shaky sometimes. I feel like he ends things a few minutes early.

He's like, well, I wish we didn't have to, but I'm like, wait, we have six more minutes and I've got a lot more trauma than I'd like to. You gotta get to him in the afternoon. When do you see him, at like 11 at night? Oh yeah, he's drifting. That's his bedtime. Oh yeah, that's it.

It's true, it's like an drift. That's his bed. Oh, yeah, that's it. It's like an audition. You need an early spot. You need to get him either right before like right after lunch or first thing in the morning. That's two in the morning at the cellar. Yeah, I had him on the edge of the seat where I was ranting about. Really? Yeah. About what? What you stopped and I got excited. I was going on a rant about gender politics.

She got no wonder he's falling asleep. No, he was waking up for that one. He falls asleep when I'm like, I got dumped again. Jordan got canceled recently, by the way. No, she didn't. I hate the term canceled. Of course she didn't cancel. She did the whole thing.

She was like, she did a video when she was like, calling trans people like blackface. And then she was like, can you believe people are upset? That's what Alan said. Alan was like, what did you expect? We fucking. I didn't know. I didn't miss everything. I was like such a mom. I'm like, what happened?

No, we legitimately are a mom. Dude, at the cellar, she's like, what do you think of this? And then she goes through it and a couple words are like, yeah, none of that makes sense. She's like, I'm not going to post it anyway. Of course I posted it. It's because later at the time was like, it's great. And I was like, it's going up tomorrow. And we're by watching it, we're about to be like that 30 rockabye.

We're like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway.

And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. And Alan was like, I'm going to post it anyway. Of course I posted it. It's because later at the time it was like, it's great. And I was like, it's going up tomorrow. And by watching it, it reminded me of that 30 Rock episode where they see the audio of Tracy Morgan doing that stand up about gay people. And it's just like, gay people, if I was gay, I'd just touch myself all the time. And then he gets everyone really angry at him.

Did I ruin it just by bringing up 30 Rock? Mine is better than that. Well, that's pretty good. I feel like sometimes I miss all of this. You couldn't have been like that canceled because I never had a hot wind of it. No, we have conferred day and then people move on. But don't act like you're surprised.

I'm not surprised. I'm mad at comics who were saying that. Yeah, that's bullshit. Comics, any comic. Comics commenting, unacceptable. A comedian could post about how all Jews should be put back into concentration camp and at the end just be like, I'm not joking,

this is serious, and I still wouldn't say anything. Because there's a comics code. There's a comments code. If Hitler was a comic, I would've never said anything bad about him. Comics code, not comments code. I wouldn't even think to do it. Comics code.

Me neither, I would never do, I would never take part like some sort of article where I was saying someone was, you know, it should be done or. No, no, even when they even went out, Louie, every day, they were calling me about Louie until finally I picked up and I was like, hey, I'm not going to give you what you guys want. Like, I get why you're calling me. I'm his female opener.

But like this is worse than when he raped me. Ship. Who's off the record, right? You know who you're reminding me a lot of? The same guy kept emailing me about opening for Louie and they're like, the fact that you made the decision to open for Louie after these things, and I was like, it was 2016, it was before. Like get your dates right and get off my dick. I'm in Tampa right now.

My life is not fun. Please let me alone. When Chris Red got knocked out by Keenan's people and they kept coming by the cellar to interview people to like get a, you know, let's get the inside scoop. A couple comics fucking ran their mouth. I guess this is what happened. I go, don't listen to them. I was there and this news crew was there like, well, take us through it. I go, well, I got to be honest and don't listen to anybody. Put the camera on me. I go, well, apparently it was Hasidic Jews that hit Chris Redd because they were upset

by him impersonating Kanye on us.. I was like, fuck you, you ain't getting nothing out of us. That's great. No, I don't like comics and attacking other comics. I don't like anyone who does anything where a mob could be unleashed. You're a coward, you're a pussy. That never helps anything. And I also don't like comics that go, you can't say anything anymore. You can say anything you want.

You just gotta make it fucking funny. And part of making it funny is saying some pretty shitty things, but you'll get there eventually if you're not a fucking pussy. Yeah. I also don't like that either. I don't like it when a comic has like a name for their tour. That's like, they're like arresting themselves for the things they're about to say. Like, dude, I got hit up by the daily wire and blaze to talk about cancer culture because I put up a clip from my special that's like so pro trans it's insane to interpret it any other way. And I got a trans guy. Yeah. The clip one where I'm like trans women are women because I can't find the clit on them either. And

it's objectively funny. Yes, I know. But man, oh man, a lot of people fucking hated me and I was getting death threats threats whatever the daily blaze Whatever that bullshit is hit me up. I like The daily blaze and I flat-out was like no By the way I just wanna meet Jordan. I would get on my hands and fucking meet him. I wanna meet Jordan Peterson so bad. Shut up. I do, I wanna meet him. You are retarded. Why?

I understand that. He stinks. I wanna, I've seen him live when I was against him and he changed, and I was like, oh, this is an intelligent person. Here's the thing about him. I need him to get to his daughter. This is like a thing you really, about Jordan Peterson,

never trust anyone who never could ever say the word to a question, I don't actually know. Like he's incapable of being like, I actually don't know. Like anyone incapable. A true smart man says he doesn't know. Yeah, anyone incapable of saying that. Which means I am a fucking genius. I just think, I think he is philosophically,

I think he's philosophically on the level. Like I think he is looking for like logical proofs. And I think he's not a bit like him and Sam Harris, the my Lord and savior were in a debate. And then they like, it was a huge debate. I think Sam won, but it was a massive debate. And then afterwards they just like went and got food and hung out and like talked to our philosophy.

I like that. Yeah. But don't like. Cause my husband, whenever he's drunk screams shit. What used to scream stuff that fucking Jordan Peterson said. And it was so exhausting. I don't like my husband whenever he's drunk screams shit what used to scream stuff that fucking Jordan Peterson said It was so I don't know just like all of his books They're all like the government the lie that never was or just and I'm like for the love of God stop I know those guys are scream about the founding fathers when you drink

But Jordan also gets it like Sam Harris is just like an intelligent person who has different Sam Harris is very smart Yes, Jordan Peterson gets into like, this is how you should be on your wedding night. He gets into weird like- He does get into weird rules for women. Yeah, like he's like- I start to be on- It's like cult shit.

Yeah, I start to be on board with him, then I'm like, wait, I can't show my ankles anymore? Maybe not. Like, this is how a marriage should work. Yeah. I know. That's like fucking weird. Dude, guess what's crazy.

Have you guys ever done the Google of Jordan Peterson's wife? She had what do you what do you think? Of course, women love man's wedding. You do you think she's hot? Probably young. Is she not?

I am so sorry to do this. She looks like Renan with a wig. Is she ugly? Just wait. Just wait. If she's ugly,? Oh, just wait. Just wait. If she's ugly, I take it all back. He's very genuine. It does do a lot.

It's like, hey, it would help your case if you didn't cry at every turn. Is that her? I mean, she looks like Eleanor Roosevelt. She looks like what his wife should look like. Wow, it's appropriate. She looks like one of my mom's friends that would have like liberal books on her. She's pretty though.

The right to the Washington Post about racism or something. Despite all the fame. Let me see. She looks like a villain in Harry Potter. Stop it. What? Are you pro or against her? I'm saying that this makes sense that he's pro monogamy because he's like, I am stuck.

He's white knuckling it Stop having sex with young women. That was good. Yeah, that was good. Yeah, that was good Wait wait say it again stop stop being a truck Try it again you have to try to weep he's always about to weep stop Try it again. You have to try to weep. He's always about to weep. Stop giving What but it was good the first time I didn't even hear what you said a supportive improv group This is my impression What did you say? What was the words? Stop having I can't do it. I can only do depression one stop having sex out of wedlock

It isn't obvious to me, but it's not a good thing to be doing that's like people are elf no I'm your wife. This is how his voice sounds it's like this it is an obvious to me Make sure you clean up the hole in the tree I feel like that's weird. You gotta go high like this, he goes high. You went full Australian with it. I did not go full Australian, I just can't do it now. Try one more time. How about Sam Harris' wife?

I've always found him kinda high. Try one more time, Renard. Sam Harris can get it. Sam and Adrienne love each other, she's incredibly hot. Adrienne! Yeah, she's so nice. Try one more time.

She's a piece. But she's cool looking. A marriage, stop having sex with young woman. No. Oh my God! Jesus Christ. It was good the first time, right? A marriage stop having sex with young woman. No It was good the first time no, I like to the first Ocean an 80s movie talking about What I think about that I got it right, but what I think about I'm just like stop having sex one women I just don't I can't that was better. It is weird that

and sacks one woman, I just don't, I can't. That was better than the first one. It is weird that firemen love Jordan Peterson so much because he's like such a smear of a man. Like he's not like anything that they would seem to be about. Well he's a libertarian. He's a stupid person, smart person. Oh yeah. Oh!

Isn't he your favorite dummy? No, Sam Harris, Sam Harris is my favorite. Yeah, he's a stupid person, smart person, what? And Sam Harris is a what person's what? No, Sam Harris is smart. You might not agree, you know, I don't agree with everything you said, but he's a super person smart person. What? And Sam Harris is a what person's what? No, Sam Harris is smart. You might not agree. You know, I don't agree with everything you said. But he's an intelligent person. I love Sam Harris.

You just don't like listening to things. Or reading books. I read. I'm in the middle of reading The Giver. What are you, in middle school? One of my favorites. What is this, eighth grade in Delaware? It? One of my favorites. What are this eighth grade in Delaware? One of my favorites.

Are you reading Number of the Stars? After that I'm going to read Gary Polson's Hatchet. I do when I'm reading a book, I feel like I want to call everyone and tell them I'm reading it. That says such dark things about me that whenever I'm reading I'm like, I think more people should know about this. I get more books. The more I start reading, I'm like, I think people should know about this happening. I get more books. The more I start reading a book, the more I start buying other books because I'm like, oh, I'm going to read this after. I just love your middle school book list. You're like, I'm going to read that. Then Diary of Anne Frank. Yes. And then Elie Wiesel's Night.

How about this for a pointless whole thing to read? I read Prince Harry's entire autobiography. Wow. Rachel, you need to leave. Rachel, you need to leave. You are the problem. Rachel, we're taking away your child. Rachel. Is there a dumber thing?

Like I was ashamed to on planes. I was like covering it. Good God. Like, gross, it's disgraceful. What a pig I am. I'm reading sci-fi right now and I'm stuck in it. I can't get, I can't finish this book. Do you abandon books or do you finish them?

Abandon. I finish. You finish, I have to. Yeah. I kinda feel like I have to too. I treat a book like a relationship that has one problem and leave it and run. My thought is if you don't finish that book,

you're never gonna finish it because it's very hard to go back to books. You know what I mean? So I always try to finish it, yeah. I wanna read Proust. You gotta read Proust. You like it. I love it.

What kind of, do you like to read, I like to read like historical fiction, like where I'm in a world but it's not entirely true. You know, like. Yeah, it's fun, yeah, yeah. It's the kind of same stuff I like to watch, like Peaky Blinders, that kind of shit. I only like oral histories or biographies,

autobiographies, oral sex, anal sex, oral sex, knee sex. Based on your character, you saying oral history does make me think. I know, I thought that was me. I knew it was gonna, y'all were gonna think it. I only like reading about oral sex. My friend used to try to get laid by telling girls

he was a real oral magician, which infuriated me. What the fuck's an oral magician? Like he'd be like, you know, I like to go down on people. That's just me, I'm into it. Like, do you know what he was always saying? Like, ah, it's my thing. Yeah, we do, but I can't say his name. Why aren't you having a better reaction

to there's a small puppy's head on your lap? I mean, I love him. Because she's a child. No, this is actually, this is the exact size dog. This is the exact kind of dog that I would want. This is, I was telling Jordan on her other pod, I hope you know about it, but she doesn't. What?

What? What? Call thank god Ian's not here. And. I love, I love New Beginnings, it fucking rocks. But I said, this is a perfect dog. This dog perfectly encapsulates Jordan. It's a small dog, cause she is kinda like

the new diva crazy female comic, but it's a small dog that looks like a fucking wolf. So it captures her butch lesbianism and her like diva. I'm like Eliza Schlesinger with little dog on the airplane kind of thing. You are the new Eliza. I don't have a note saying I like Eliza. Yeah, I like her too. I think the comedy is amazing. Eliza is really into punk rock. Did you know that? I gave her a playlist. That's pretty cool. I think she's one of the first comics that I've Eliza. Yeah, I like her too. I think her comedy's amazing. Eliza is really into punk rock. Did you know that?

I gave her a playlist. That's pretty cool. I think she's one of the first comics to ever be willing to go full Ugo on stage, and I really like that. She goes full, and I like that about her. I like Jim Carrey face, and she does that. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I like rubber face people. I'm ugly all the time on stage. Where's my fucking... You're not. Don't say that. You're also hairy. Gross.

She's so ugly. Yeah, it is interesting when very hot women aren't afraid to make heinous faces. That being said, it's very annoying when there's like, it'll be like Olivia Rodrigo and she'll be making ugly faces. Like, fuck you, I live in that world. Quit fucking acting like you're.

I love Olivia Rodrigo so much. Oh my, I do too, but I'm just... Oh my God. First of all, everything I say is getting shot down. I got mad when that hot girl showed... The hot comic showed her tits to be like, I'm like Bert. And I was like, you need to be a fat hog to do that. Who was that?

You can't be a hot... Who? Natasha Leggera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's so hot that I was like, no, that hurts more. Her tits were delightful. Delightful. Yeah, you need like a hog.

Holy molly. Show them the knife. I did, I showed them on stage once. I got in bigful. You need like a hog. Show them your tits. Show them tonight. I did. I showed them on stage once. I got in big trouble. You did? Really? Where?

You showed them on stage? You're not a hog either. You're a beautiful woman. My tits are brown eyes. It would be the same if you did the same thing. I have a picture of your tits. What did you say about your tits? She kind of looks like my tits.

From when we were in Vegas. You have a picture? Twenty bucks or I'll show them. You showed me your tits once too. Show anybody my tits. It literally looks like a boy. You showed them to me once. Before I was in a relationship, you showed me a picture. It literally looks like a boy. It's you show them to me once before I was in a relationship Amazing that so many people why

Hanging off an iron and boy, you might have a man. Do you remember when I was manic and I let everybody watch the video of me Sucking a dick. That was fucked up. That is fucked up. He's not me. You should Know when a kid gets cancer and everyone shaves their head to make that kid feel safe. I tried to do that. I saw your penis. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's have some context.

I want to really, let's beat this out. Back when I was single, you- Okay, go through each of those stories because that's insane. Wait, let me see your penis. I was showing her something on my phone. I had to- How did your cans come up? I was showing her something on my phone and then I had to be like, wait, and I took it

away because there was like a picture of my dick on my phone somewhere and then she demanded to see it. I was showing her something on my phone and then I had to be like, wait, and I took it away because it was like, a picture of my dick on my phone somewhere. And then she demanded to see it. I was like, let me see it. I'm like, no, of course. No, you didn't say no, you said really? Let me see your cock. Let me have my narrative.

I said, no, get away from me, you harlot. And I got on all fours and was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Give it to me. I pushed it a little, but then she saw it and then she said this is exactly what I thought it would look like, give it to me. I pushed this a little, but then she saw it and then she said, this is exactly what I thought it would look like, which I couldn't. It does, it looks like his legs.

I didn't know if it was a Salter compliment. Yeah. Can I see it? No, why? Dexterous, take it in. She said you had a dexterous penis. Thank you, yeah. What does that mean, it can open doors?

Yes, yes. What does that mean? I'll show you mine. And what about Jordan's? Don't do this. What? You don't have to get a compliment. He gets a compliment.

I'm not looking for a compliment. I'm looking for a competition. Can we play some soft piano? Wait, you guys, can we play some soft piano music during that moment? Because it was very profound, what she was trying to say. Is let something else be before you have to also, and then there should be a slow.

It all needs to be slowed down. You're doing like, don't talk to the news people. Now everybody comes in. Only child that I'm like, yeah, I saw a picture of PNC. He's like, but I have a penis. We're talking about how bad it is. But then you show me a picture of your tits. I don't remember them. I don't remember them. Welcome to the Midnight Society and the story of the ghost. I bet they're delightful. They're just exactly what you think.

You became such a Jewish mom. I'm sure they're delightful. I'm sure that if anyone makes fun of them, it's just because they like them. My body is wrecked because I used to be so fat. I'm sure that you have a lively rack that would satisfy any fella. Just get a tattoo of barbed wire on your scar. That'd be hot. And then start filling up your body

to distract from what it looks like. Well, that's what you get for losing weight. That's what you get for leaving the community. If you leave, you ain't gonna look good. That's the curse of the fat person. I don't remember you ever being fat.'s the curse of the fat person. No, you look great. I don't remember you ever being fat. You were a great big fat lady.

As a young kid. I'm learning so much. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had cystic acne, like the kind of acne where I shouldn't have had to go to school. Like I needed to be in a hospital. Really?

I had the kind of acne I needed to be hospitalized. It's so bad, you're the one who's like, you're a real pocky face. It was such, it was so bad. You were like, I'm the one who should be hidden. It's so bad. You're the one who's like, you're real pocky face. It was such, it was so bad. You were like, I'm the one who should be hidden. What's that? Like three times and it wouldn't take. My mom was always on the phone with other people talking about my Accutane that I didn't want her to be talking to.

She was always on the phone like, well, it's the third time. And for some reason, they're still there. And I just feel so dead. What causes it? I think like Jewish. Maybe. Yeah. Like I couldn't. I don't know. Maybe it causes it? I think like Jewish. Maybe. Yeah. Like I couldn't I don't know. Maybe it was dairy.

I'm not sure. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. It was deeply. What made it go away? You can't be a funny woman without being ugly at some point. Can't be a funny person without being ugly. It's ferociously ugly. Also, I didn't. I didn't really have small penises. Well, I got proof.

I have small penises. What? I got proof! What, uh, when, how did you finally get rid of it? It just, I still do have a lot, but like, it's not as crazy and I have a lot of scarring, but it just, after many years and lots of medicines, it's calmed somewhat. But like in high school, it was like, I would just cry. Like I did not want to go to school. Yeah.

I was gangrenous. You were like Charles Bukowski. He had a really bad acting as a kid. Really? As a girl, you never want to relate to the experience. Charles Bukowski. Charles Bukowski. Yeah, just a man named Bukowski.

Whatever young girl wants to play. That was almost worse than the acne. You're like Bukowski. All right. He had awful, like really bad acne. I mean, as an adult, you can tell. Yeah, yeah, his acne, like, all right. He had really he had awful, like really bad acting. I mean, as an adult, you can tell. Yeah, his face looks like a table that people were playing that night. Yeah, he never fully. Yeah.

But you like I never understood girls having like who would go on dates like outside. I'm like, I can't be outside. I need a specific cocktail of like lights and do you want to date? Let's dress up like Phantom of the Opera every time. Yeah, that's how I feel about women who take their clothes off in sex. I'm like, you just go off with it and then walk around. Oh, yeah, I could never do that. What do you mean? You want the lights?

You need the lights off. I need the clothes on. I like the light. Yeah. I don't want anyone gazing at me. They're going to find all my flaws and everything that doesn't match up. Over two years. I'm all about the lights on. I want to see this shit. You know? Yes, because it's rare. I'm lights off.

I'm lights off. I didn't take it in. Like you're fucking Adam Sandler and the Jewel. You're like, I'm never gonna see this again. It might not like, yeah, who knows the next time. I need all lights on, fluorescent lights, all lights. I want your girlfriend so hot. It's crazy.

Oh, thank you. Such a babe. Oh, thank you. I can't believe it. You know what? She has a heart condition. Are you dating the same girl from before? I love how it gets more and more insulting. It just doesn't work out.

I've crunched the numbers, and it shouldn't add up. Her body's insane. Really? And she's a therapist. You got any pictures? Uh, yeah. I do have. He did.

His first instinct, by the way, was to show you them. I could tell. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's very hot. Yeah. But, you know, I mean, like, I know you got the funny thing. But wait, but what I'm interested by is that you don't. I don't think she's that funny. Really? I'll say things. She'll be like, what? Like, she doesn't get it. Yeah. Yeah.

And you're cackling manically. Your own joke. My husband, when I come home, is always watching, like, What? Like, she doesn't get it. Yeah. Yeah. And you're cackling manically. My husband, when I come home, is always watching like college humor sketch from like 10 years ago, laughing like insanely. But then he won't ever be like, oh, you should watch your Netflix special. Not interested. He's always like, that's how you do it. That's how it's done.

Always never wants to watch anything. Impractical jokers, I'm not interested From your special and it was so good I have a thing dude, it's gonna be I'm very excited to watch it check Yeah, her special is amazing. It's so like all the shit was your mom and it's so funny when I watch you I'm like always like I'm like cuz like it I feel like I sometimes ignore funny things in my life if it's not like super jokey experiences. And when I watch you, I'm like, it reminds me to like be more aware of the experiences that are really funny, you know? Yeah, I feel like I'm not aware enough.

I'm just like furious about things. And then whatever I'm like either furious or humiliated by ends up being in my standup. So that's good. Yeah, so if I'm either freshly humiliated by something where I'm like, I can't believe that, but I want to, or I'm just like, I fucking, like it's always like my final statements to the world.

You know, like if I had it like half an hour of having the floor, Jessica Kersen was saying like comics for people like we were, nobody ever listened to us at home. And that's why we like are holding everybody hostage. Well, there's some, there's some repression with our family where we can't fully be ourselves. Yeah. And so we have to do it on stage.

Like, you know, like it's for me, it's like, I can, it's the way I can't be with my family. You know what I mean? Yes. When I am on stage, yeah. And my family always treats me like I'm, I'm a lot, even when I feel like I'm saying something like somewhat reasonable.

Yeah. You know, my mom always says like, I walk loud and she acts like a victim when I say that that's a weird thing to remind me of that I have a loud step. She's like, well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm the bad guy. Who's ready to get cut? Today's sponsor cuts t-shirts are high quality wrinkle free and buttery soft. Who's not hard?

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Go to hellofresh.com slash ska apps for free appetizers for life. What the flip and flip. That's hellofresh.com slash S K A A P S. One appetizer per box while subscription is active. That's friggin' wild. Hello Fresh, America's number one meal kit. I think on stage, I think my family is how I am. Like I feel the same way when I'm with my family as I am on stage. I think it's different for me, it's like around.

Which is what? Like just insane faces doing. Well you're a crazy person. Yeah. But my whole family. This is different. What you do, there's no different. You are insane.

Yeah. Consistently throughout your life. Yeah. That means she's a good lay. But they're like that. I will say that. No, it doesn't. But my family.

I feel like the crazy girls are the best lades. She's wearing a full fucking body suit. I've thought about this a lot you're definitely badly because People I have diagrams at my house around in bed beating to you as to me people who are wild like crazy In bed, they just fuck it. You lie there. Yeah, it looks like Bill Cosby. You're wrong. Really? Have you fucked?

No, I was talking about me. Oh, well, no, I'm talking about a woman. Oh. Is that true? I'm not saying you lie there. You just lie there. Me too. No.

I was talking about a woman. You just lie there. On top, too. I go on top because I come on top. But when I'm on top, I'm I'm often saying the words, just move my hips. So you would like that. Yeah. So that's great. Your dirty talk is move my hips. How you may like them.

It's the quiet girls who are wild. Why not just disgust me? I feel like a lot of the them. It's the quiet girls who are wild. That just disgusts me. I feel like a lot of the super conservative, I don't know about quiet, but I feel like a lot of those super conservatives I've heard are godless whores, you know, like the ones that are really run like a tight Christian ship. And it's the same thing for male comics. I feel like all the male comics that are like the family acts like they're like, you can't say all these words. They're the fucking dirtiest of all. You know what I mean?

But then the guys that are like, like a teller or somebody, it's always like the nicest you on the road. You know, it's always the guys that are like, that have the acts that are like, that you can say. He's like, wait, this is going way too fast. Yeah, that just treats you like only a comedian,

but it's those family guys that are always flapping around. Clean comics are definitely like, there's a lot of great clean comics, but why they don't trust them. You know, I mean, there's plenty of good ones. But there's darkness. Everything out there, then there's nothing left to be said. So there's no stone unturned of like, like if you're out there with this is what I do, this is where I am.

Filth, filth, filth. Then there's like, you know, like there's nothing to hide. And I think when if you're a clean comic, you can have the this this whole secret world because you think you're getting away with something. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And there's just it's like the the the closeted Republican who's like, you know, blow guys in the, you know, blown in sex or material now. No, no. Comedians like clean comedians. There's something being repressed sometimes

100% the cleaner you are the more that you're hiding that you think that anyone who's like I don't talk about politics It just means they're conservative I don't get into it. Well, that's well, I think I Should not discuss politics religion and money and play company That's the way I was raised and the fact that it's everywhere. I think is pretty gross Yeah, I'm not a political comedian I don't like I feel like I don't write about politics because I'm not good at writing about politics just the same way I don't do topical jokes because I don't really I write about like I said things that infuriating things are really personal that I'm gonna get

Your comedy it's pure like personal I wish I had that ability to write about certain things or to write like clean clipped like monologue style jokes I think that's very cool. I envy that that person that can write like a very clean quick clever line I'm very long-winded. So like I feel like I don't I wouldn't have anything like interesting to add like politically like I'm not gonna find like Yeah, yeah, I get it. I mean, I write about people and their beliefs on politics, but I don't write about politics. Yeah, I guess I do too, actually.

People who think about these things. The best compliment I've been getting, people have been coming up to you after shows and go, what side are you on? I can't tell if you're right or left. Yes! And you will never know! I can't tell if you're a gay Republican

or a lesbian, Nazi, or a vegan. I love it. You will never know. You will never know. I don't think comics are on a side. Comics shouldn't be on a side. You can't be. It's a problem.

You should not be on a side. Exactly. No, and I also feel like because the thing is we're supposed to poke holes in how everything is full of shit. Everything. Everybody's full of shit. The things people are angriest about is the thing they're doing the most. So I do feel like as comics, I think you shouldn't start writing from a place of what you want people to think you think about something. You should write from the place of, again, whatever strikes you.

And also, that whole fucking thing we've been fed for the past decade of like comedy is truth to power, blah, blah. All right, you want to play that game? Well, guess what? Power shifts. OK? Yeah. So if you're writing and you're all about like, fuck the right, blah, blah, blah. Well, guess what? Culturally, the left is in power now. So should we all be making fun of that? And then it switches and we make it. It does. It's like, I really thought. And they're very similar. The extreme right and extreme left. It's such bullshit for anyone to pick one side as a comic.

You're just supposed to go fucking. Well, that's why I call one of the reasons I call my special brave is because sometimes I'll do those jokes where like I'm making fun of both sides and people comment like, oh, how brave not taking a stance, you know, like, yeah, because that's what I look for in a comedian heroism. yeah, because that's what I look for in a comedian, heroism. You know what I mean?

That's what I look for in a comedian. Also, I feel like stances are readily available. Like that's all Instagram is, is like hard stances. But heroism isn't funny. I'm a coward. That's funny. Like it's not like... I think it's better to admit and more interesting

and compelling to admit that you don't know that you're kind of full of shit and so on and that everybody is. Operation Ivy said it best. All I know is that I don't know. All I know is that I don't know that you're kind of full of shit and so on like and that everybody is. Yeah. Operation Ivy said it best. All I know is that I don't know. All I know is that I don't know nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think that like your voice is the voice that needs to the final or like, Oh, let me clear my throat. Like I know that I moved to New York when I was 17 with a guy in his band called Dick sister. And then I don't have the fucking grand answers to anything. Did you really? I sure as hell way from where from Maryland?

My mom was outside and like a dashiki like encouraging me No follow-up questions Dick sister dumped me and then undumped me and then re dumped me and it was There's there's something cool. I know I have no idea He says she's now with dick brother Dick sister anymore, but I saw some documentary with you in it about comedy I can't tell you when but you were at a diner Working on jokes in between sets at stand-up, New York. And so you being in the space right now is pretty cool

Did you really do you really go to diner to work on? I love diet or go to diners, but it's not so much to work on jokes is like, I'm never, I'm always disheveled. Like I'm always disheveled. There's always like a USB cord around my ankle or something. I'm just a lot and I'm never like, I'm never quietly like focused in a serene environment. I want to be that person.

Yeah, you have to go somewhere where they let you into the public bathroom to put a different face on. That's how I always feel. Like just let me into an area where there's a bunch of greets. I always have an extra outfit with me. Like what do I think is gonna happen? Like I'm gonna have a second like act of my night. Yeah, I'm not well like so whatever I was doing at diner was probably I was probably like trying to fix myself And then so yeah, so wait you you met a guy in a band called dick sister at 17 and you were like fuck this I'm moving to New York. What was the plan?

That I would follow Dick Sister wherever he went. What does that mean? I would be lucky if he would just be inside me over and over and over again. What do you mean Dick Sister? Like, what is, is it just, is there a... There is no meaning. There is no meaning. It was like that, the pic, their t-shirt at the time was like a,

exactly what was it? A hermaphrodite, like, eh. Oh, OK. So what if it is a good thing? If he stays and goes and comes back again, I think that's OK. Sorry, side talk. Go ahead. Your past is my two different conversation. Your past is the world that I'm living in.

And I was just some fucking retard thinking that this dude could help me get back together with me. And I was just happy to be there. And I'm like, she's like, I am happy to be here. But but you seem good now, huh? But also, where's he? What's his number? I was telling you, she was always, sorry. Dick sister was always, I was sort of on the road with them. By that, I just mean like, I took like some kind of van

around with them to go to gigs. And they were always fighting about me because they wanted my boyfriend to break up with me because they felt like I was cock blocking the band's hang and I was like annoying. Yeah, I was Yoko to Dick Sister. Dick Sister Yoko, the band could have been so great. It's not for your involvement.

Were you on the side of the stage like, go, Jimmy needs more solos. Jimmy needs more solos, it's amazing. He's gonna be in the pictures if they'd only let him have his life. I was on the side, but I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to be alone with him so I could get him, but then we would go back to the apartment

that we share with three other members of Dick's sister, and he would just do wild hostile amounts of blow and then just get flaccid and pass out, and then eventually dump me. When I was not expecting to be dumped, I was in the middle of eating a bagel. I was like, wait, wait, I'm getting dumped right now. I dad had to come back to New York and like pick me up and like a grocery getter to like pack my things back up.

And then he undumped me and I moved back in with him. So firemen's an upgrif. Oh, he undumped you and then you got back together. He was willing to live with you at some point. I think Dixister needed more rent. Like they had like we had four people point? Yeah. Yeah. I think Dick's sister needed more rent. Like they had like, we had four people in that apartment. Yeah.

Jordan's just feeling, your rock bottom is her eternal nightmare. So yeah. Your rock bottom is her rocky curry. Yeah. Your rock bottom is a groundhog day. She cannot break free. Your rock bottom is her ground level.

No Jordan, I have, it's not been good for me. I went out with a guy that was like a throbbing code red alcoholic that every night we would end up in like an airport, or I'm sorry, like a Port Authority bar, and he would start glaring at someone, and then I'd have to get him out of the bar. And it would always be like an old woman.

I'm like, you do not have beef with Virginia at fucking Port Authority bar. Like the kind of alcoholic that like, he was just like, ah, yeah. Oh my God. Jordan, Jordan, it was bad. He would break up with her, then come back together, and then break up. Stop, mute, mute.

We're muting you. We're muting you. I used to call AA like every day, like when there was like a 1-800 number. I was like 24 and I would just call, and I'd be like, no, he's an alcoholic. And they'd be like, he has to call. I'm like, you don't understand just call and I'd be like, no, he's an alcoholic. And they'd be like, he has to call. I'm like, you don't understand, he's never gonna do that.

Like, he's not gonna call. Oh dude, I called AA one time and I'll never forget. Do you remember the bookstore on- Wait, AA, you can call them? Yeah, there's a number. There was like a number, but it's supposed to be for the alcoholic, but I would just call for him.

Do you remember Alabaster Bookstore on like, right by, yeah, right by, on fourth, by, you know, like 12th or whatever. He said, yeah. Yeah, no, no, I want the exact look. Can we, can you actually say the GPS? And then clip it. We got to clip that because that's what the people want. 75. Anyway, I was there and I called A.A.

and I was like, where's the meeting? Well, you got to get on this train. I go, no thanks to get on this train. I go, no, thanks. I'll just drink. Too much work. It's right over here. You're overcomplicating it. You're in it right now. I can't follow this.

If I wasn't in a place or like, oh, just turn left. Anything I know. Who wants to take a Boston train to anything now? left. Anything I know. Who wants to take a Boston train to anything? Now, that was the day I tried to get heroin and I blacked out and missed my stop. Really? Yeah.

How did you try? Like, who would you who were your there's a guy I knew that dealt dope. And so I called him up and was like, yo, meet me here. And it's like, I'll bring some money. He's like, you know, I really don't want to do this. You're like a good guy. We went to school together.

And and I was like, I have money. He was like, I'll bring some money. He's like, you know, I really don't want to do this. You're like a good guy. We went to school together. And I was like, I have money. He was like, all right, fine. So I got on the train. I just passed out and I woke up in fucking like Bay Ridge. You were too drunk to get heroin. My doctorate. He's Chinese. I took a night well two days ago. Oh, look at this guy's crazy. Dude, I have a fucking measure. day to go. Oh look

I have a night well addiction. I like I can't I actually think it's really intense I only take it when I'm really sick. I actually find it like but but I took it I looked up to make sure there's no bad drug interactions And they said it interacts badly was fentanyl. And I was like, That's so funny. It's bad with a gun in your mouth. There's a gun in your mouth, don't do it. I don't think people on fentanyl are looking up bad drug interactions. Yeah, yeah.

Like don't mix it with Pepto-Fidol. Someone's choked out on fentanyl and they're like, I certainly can't get rid of this cough right now. What is good to mix with fentanyl? Everything. I don't care. Family functions. Works like a charm. to mix with fentanyl? Everything. Family functions. Work like a charm.

Have you done fentanyl? No. Have you done heroin? Have you? You've done fentanyl? Only for the surgery. Never shot it. Oh, for the surgery.

What was your surgery? You became a woman? Yeah. Sorry. I became a man. And then I went back to being a woman. And I'm just stuck in this limbo. Well now, so why are people mad about the joke?

You know? I know. You should... Don't do that. That was fascinating. Funny how you said it. What if people got like... What if people got like...

I'm sorry. I don't know why. Only me you do that to. Yeah, sorry. No, I love... Sometimes it slips over on the other side. I love a short man loudly mocking me to my face. Short man.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm to. Yeah, sorry. No, I love it. Sometimes it slips over on the other side. I love a short man loudly mocking me to my face. Short man, huh? Give me a second. I gotta go up and get my knife. Right here. You psycho.

How do you guys have the energy of a couple that just started fucking and is going through a messy breakup at the same time? Me and her not. just started fucking and it's going through a messy break up at the same time. You mean or not? I'm like. It's all, you almost have the energy of like two people that are fucking but nobody else knows at the party and they're like, ah, but you're also like,

I fucking hate you. They have the energy of a couple where you took 10 years of fighting and condensed it into like an hour long conversation. Yes. That's the emotion. It conveys every emotion of a relationship. No, because we don't do this. Stop it.

Stop it. That's my least favorite thing. Have you been with that couple before? Oh God, they're the worst. Don't do this. Don't do this here. Stop. Oh no, that'd be crazy.

I used to try to do a joke about how I wish me and my girlfriend had baseball hand signals for when she wanted me to stop, instead of just going, stop. You've told that story already. Oh and said, just going, stop. You've told that story already. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom would scream the amount of years

she was married to my dad whenever they would cry. She would what? 16 years of this shit, Howard. It was always the amount of time they were married when she would yell at an argument. But it would be always, would your parents fight in the house? Jenny!

Sorry. My dad would never, he was very calm. Calm. But then when he did yell, it would be the most terrifying thing in the world because it happened like once every five years. Yeah. He loved computers.

One time my mom dropped his laptop and it was like Chris Brown, but no fighting. Just yelling. Oh my God. It was just like, what the fuck are you doing? Did he bite her face? He just, do you know? Did he call her face? He just, do you know? Did he call her names?

No, he'd just be like fucking, he'd just get like, like a calm person just gets angry, it's the scariest thing in the world. Yeah, yeah. I thought this would be funny, but I feel like I'm revealing. No, I think it's fascinating. No, we have way worse.

I think it's interesting hearing how like families fight or don't, I'm fascinated with that kind of shit. We're watching you like, oh, that sounds so sweet. Oh, really? Because of your dad. What a dream. I'm never with that kind of shit. We're watching you like, oh, that sounds so sweet. Oh, really? What a journey. Oh, yeah, I forgot. So just sometimes. Yeah.

I don't want to brag about him being alive. I'm sorry. I would try and kill my mother all the time in front of me. Oh, really? All the time. What if you kill? Absolutely smash her. Dude, we were cracking up about it at dinner the other day with my

mom and me and Jamie were like reminiscing about my dad trying to kill my mom. And my mom is such a such a rugged Lesbian that she would just have her face slammed between a door and a wall with dad just smushing her clothes in her lips Just a guy going Jack. You got to calm down. What the fuck? This is ridiculous. You got a step I'm like mom you're gonna die and she's like, oh are you big man now you big man slamming me in the door. Oh my god. Sorry, is this... God. Sorry. I'm like terrified. Look at that, look at that. It was really funny though.

And now she's like... Any woman would be like, stop it! And she was like, dude, you're being a... This is ridiculous. Please stop. She sounds fascinating.

Is she like happier now? Is things okay? Oh, they got divorced when I was two. Yeah. And she's now with any... Is she with a woman now? She's a lesbian? I'm still gonna...

Just whatever you're cackling about, I'm not concerned about. I'm concerned about her mom's you're cackling about, I'm not concerned about. I'm concerned about her mom's welfare. But I wanna know what happened. This is about the funniest shit ever. My mom's face is getting smashed into vice grip. Got a knife waving, you know the scene in The Shining? Here's Johnny.

So that happened in real life. That felt like a scene in the movie where someone is trying to tell a funny story, but then they just start crying at the end. Like, it's like they didn't really, you know what I mean? You're like, like it was just, that was crazy. I want to have, there's a, I want to have for my special, there's a picture of my mom sitting up on this like lawn chair with all of these

women around her at a rugby game. And she's like icing her knee. And it just has written on it, queen of the dikes in Sharpie with a bunch of stab holes in it from my dad's stabbing it, which is like You're not Billy Crystal doing a solo show these talking about? You're passing this off as like a- You're passing this off like you're doing a Christopher Titus show. So many.

There's a, there's, when they had to get divorced and she had to get custody, she had like 18 artifacts in front of the judge of like all of this violence. And they were just like, well, and dad was like, it's my sperm. And they were like, get the fuck out of here. One time she, he cut off her head and it was just, he put it on the bed. It was just just funny, you know, it's really funny Good riff. I'm trying to think of the worst things possible

I'm trying to now I want to think of the worst He wasn't really he wasn't really violent towards us. It was just a bad living condition Like there was a lot of maggots in my bed one day filling my grow up? In a barn. This is not relatable. Anyway, do we still want to talk about how I'm crazy?

Yeah, Jesus. Do we still want to discuss how I'm a dead fish in bed? I'm not getting enough rift support here. I'm not getting enough rift support. Say something. Is she married now? No. Is she happier?

She's, yes. Is she happier than them? She's fucked every woman in our hometown and now she's retired. Terrific, tremendous. Yeah, yeah, totally. Well, did that make her happy? Fucking everyone?

No. Oh shit. Well, one time my dad raised his voice at me. Yeah, there you go. So I know you're... Every four years my dad would raise his voice. So I get it. So I get it.

What? Are you okay? Yeah. There were maggots in my bed and one time there were maggots in my food. Oh my God. I don't... You're saying it like we're like, ha ha ha. These are not like... Okay, I don't Want to fix it family too? Or are you just kind of- Of course he did. I just learned to keep my mouth shut about it. He just blew his nose, opened it up like on the podcast and refold. Of course a cocktail

of things went terribly wrong. I feel like we came from like, I came from like a nice Jewish family. Like I don't, yeah. I grew up in hell. Oh. My family literally had to hire Jamaican Baptist women to give me an exorcism. Why are you both saying insane things? You just talked her so quickly. No, he's way worse.

His shit is so fucked up. You're saying words like they make sense. Like now, like, you know. Wait, why did they, why did they, this is fucking nonsense. Why would they? I know he should do it today. I know, he needs it now. He does seem a little possessed. Yeah, he absolutely, he's so frantic.

It's all over the map. But wait. This is not her. Wait. Why did they, how did they do this? In the middle of her trauma, you started blowing your damn nose in. That's insane. That's such a sentance.

So I was like. Why did they try to have an exorcism on you? Because I was a bad kid. I like how he says it like he's had it. Come on, why does everybody try to have an exorcism? I don't know, they were the only ones available. He's just like. What was there on the books reason for wanting an exorcism?

I couldn't even get a white exorcist. We announced ours to the city. You were just to the city like the devil has taken over. I was a really bad kid. I was rambunctious. I would misbehave all the time. And so my grandparents hired these exorcists to come to the house to pray over me. And they were Jamaican. They were Jamaican and we were in the living room and we all had our arms around each other and they were like

Um, not a he mama And I remember feeling so bad that they came out here and used all their oils and incense I'm like, this isn't working. So I started faking it and so I just started going The one looks over she goes look look eat working And the one looks over, she goes, look, look, eat working. It didn't work. It didn't work. I was still bad. So then they got Amish people to come over and put energy things in the house to ward off the bad energy.

And I went around and took them down. I mean, it makes sense. You do have like a Beetlejuice kind of vibe. It makes sense that people might think you're possessed. On a ghost of the most. It's so weird to do that. Dude, having them go like, hum, na, na, hey, mama, hum, na, na, hum, and then me feel guilty, like, God's not real.

I'll fake it and just be like, have a, have a, have a, have a, have a. That happens a lot. I saw a gay kid fake it one time in an evangelical church. Maybe that's why. Yeah. They were like, we've seen what he's looking at on the computer. Fix it. Yeah, we've seen what he's looking at on the computer. Yeah. Fix it.

We've seen what you're doing with Kevin with the closet. My mom did that, but not like exorcism. She just got like, I was like, you know, when I would make out with my female friends before guys were ready to hook up with us yet, you know that age where it's like boys aren't interested in sex yet and their shirts are on their heads

and those kind of like, you know, emotionally unavailable like t-shirt turbans. Yeah. So they of like, you know, emotionally unavailable, like t-shirt turbines. So they were like, you know what I'm talking about. Like they're playing kickball and they're wearing those t-shirt things and you want to make out with them but they're not ready for girls yet. So there's a window where the girls just can,

all we have to do is help each other. Emotionally unavailable. You're talking about a little kid. Did you guys know? Remember when they would play with their skins and. What I mean? Okay, thank you. Shirts and skins.

Shirts and skins and they had that emotionally unavailable little thing that they gave you to show which team they were on, like a bunch of fucking avoidant creeps, unwilling to settle down with a beautiful fifth grader such as myself. That's fair. That's all fair.

Yes, my story does need to be like strained through that. But. I like how you're the story that's coming into question here out of everything. I love that concept though, then walking around like pooping their pants, you're like, oh, unavailable poopy pants over here. That's what it was to me because I wanted them

to be my boyfriends and they wanted me to go away and leave them alone and then whenever they especially wanted me to leave them alone was when they had the t-shirt turpins on outside playing kickball. They weren't in any way accessible to me. Why did they put them on their heads? My vag was burning for them. So instead what I would do was just make out with my friend

and we would play a game where she was the boss and I was the secretary. And then my mom found out about it. I got blamed for it. And I used to talk about it on stage because it was such a fucked up thing because then my mom had a sex therapist come over to my house to talk to me about sexual appropriateness. But she like sang and had a folk guitar. So I had these like weird kind of like sexual rock therapy sessions. Oh my God. This lady Barbara and her husband and she had a lot of beads that she would rock around and she sang this song called bathing suit parts and it was like bathing suit

parts man on some power you only touch somebody and I'm high like basically it's very crazy. Everybody knew. I can't imagine that being another trajectory for me that lady I can really see myself becoming. I kind of like her. Only boys with girls never girls with girls and boys with boys has a disgusting thing for you to do. It's against God's plan. That's you now. I know, I know, I know. See what I mean?

It was so liberal that it became conservative. She was one of those women. She was rocking around with all these beads and she was doing her weird like sexual rock therapy. I would have rather had that than a bunch of Jamaicans wearing chef hats over my ass. That's probably, I'm not saying I would take. I didn't say I wanted an exorcism. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying it was a little unpleasant.

And I thought that it's the reason that I didn't put out for a long time. One time my they made patties at the house, too. They cooked for us. One time my mom fat shamed me. Shut up, Renata. It's just us girls. Oh, my God. Yeah, but you blew like a homeless guy on the train once or fucked a homeless lady on the train. Didn't you? Yeah, you fucked a homeless lady. Do you say? Yeah, I thought you were.

Yeah. Did you say you were queering off and your mom walked in and started like beating you with her shoe or something? No, he really did fuck a homeless lady. He was addicted to pills. What? Don't shut down. There's maggots in my oatmeal. When I was in my twenties, I like used to do a lot of like painkillers and yeah, I ended up took a woman home who I I don't know if she was homeless, let's just say. Homeless. A Gray Gardens kind of situation, let's be honest.

Let's just say the next day I asked where I could drop her off and she said anywhere. I feel like. So maybe she had a lot of homes. I think she wanted to get away from you so fast that she was like literally anywhere. Did she smell? She didn't smell, but she did like, she was like warming her clothes on the radiator

at one point, and it felt very homey. Yeah. Where did you meet her? Just walking. Why'd she have to warm her clothes on the way? In between two buildings, is that where you found her? I don't know, there was a bad period of my life in my 20s

when I'd leave a place really high and I'd just lock eyes with cocaine or painkillers. And I'd just lock eyes with some random woman on the street who looked dead inside and we'd spark up a conversation and I'd end up hooking up sometimes. And some of them may have been homeless. Homeless? No. I would never fuck a and some of them may have been. Homeless? Homeless. I would never fuck a man.

Yeah, I would almost. I'd do that. With the fellas. Called cruising. Yeah, yeah, just a couple of times. Yeah, see, that's fucked up. Well, one time I was on painkillers and this woman, I like walked by her.

We started talking and like she offered to blow me for like money. And then I remember. We went into the alleyway and she offered to blow me for money. And then I remember, we went into an alleyway and she was blowing me and right as I came I farted. And I remember thinking, I remember thinking this is love. But yeah, and she blew me for whatever I had in my wallet. That was the saddest thing.

She blew me for a subway card. I had like 50 bucks. He fucking turned him, dude. He started by being like, my dad, I came and I farted. I know now everybody's silent for new reasons. I was somebody's rock bottom. See, I wanted to save Jordan's mom. And now I'm like, was that Jordan's mom?

Like, I now I want to save the poor lady. Yeah, well my childhood was good I just fucked up with my 20s, you know, I was like one time my my dad came home late from work Another time I gave a woman a hit a crack and I said did you get the next hit when I come? You are trying to pass like you're trying to pass for normal. Be yourself, you little creep. I know, stop it. He's like, what's wrong? Turn, turn.

First of all, there's no way that any of us believe that your childhood was fully normal. No, no, there's no way. It was, it was. You're like, oh what, I had a nice Jewish parent, nothing went wrong, I was getting a blow job for $14. Your parents were good parents, they wouldn't have made a Jew live in Kentucky,

first of all. That's a cruel, unusual thing to do. There was, you know, microaggressions in my family Poor little face. Don't cloak yourself with your liberal words. I can't believe how much it turned, dude. I know, but it's just how the story went from your dad yelling at you to you farting. I don't have that fact. That happened with the knock loose guy the other day. He's like, no, I'm just really against aggression.

And then by the end of it, he's like, I told that like really against aggression and then by the end of he's like I told that fuck oh my god my dad got mad at me because I watched the Simpsons I wasn't allowed to watch cartoons and another time I ended up dating a girl and I picked her pussy out and if she didn't give me 10% I'd smack her with the back of my hand. But there was no like fucked up, I mean like every child... Yes, there was! You don't do that unless a cocktail of things went terribly awry. A Percocet doesn't make you rip ass in a poor girl's face. Yeah, nah. Okay?

A lot of lead up to it. Alright? One time my dad put a bag over his head and raped me in a cage. There's no connection. There's no contention. There's no connection. There's no connection. There's no connection. We got past it. Were your parents together? You're like the beginning and end of a first date.

You know? Just like, I mean, the way I feel about exes is that I learned something and they learned something and we both contributed in our own ways. And then you're like, so I came and farted at the exact same time and I gave her 13 bucks because it was all I had to my name. And I almost killed myself, but you know what?

Well, everyone has dark years, you know? Yeah. But yeah, I don't think there's anything, I mean, there's fucked up shit in my family, but nothing. I don't know, it's hard to compare what's the fucking smush in the face and the refrigerator and the Jewish exorcist, wherever the fuck

that was, you know, I love you high fives over that. You know, yeah, but you didn't have to at least have my own shame, but it was a does this word ever come up in your guys life? A social worker? My mom's a social worker. I mean, so many five, my girlfriend's kind of is a social. Oh, but you didn't have them in your childhood. Like CPS child.

Yeah, you didn't have those. You didn't get stuffed animals from strangers to make things feel better. Child Protective Services do not come when you're fat shamed. They should have. But they. Yeah, I was fat shamed. Me too. In your family. Yeah. In what way? My mom would make suggestive comments like what?

Right. Like what? Like you look like you've gained weight. Is that fat shaming? No? No. It is fat shaming. No, it's fat shaming. Have you gained weight?

That's not fat shaming. Fat shaming is like, look who's a little piggy. Oink, oink, boy. That's fat shaming. I know it would have to be the movie Precious for it to be fat shaming. Jesus Christ. My sister is the most ripped person in the world and she will lose one ab and my mom's like, well, your sister's getting fat. And I'm like, then what am I? And she's like, we don't talk

about that. There aren't enough words in the English language. You know you're fat. Whenever my mom visits me, she wants to weigh herself and then me to weigh myself right afterwards. I'm like, I'm not doing that. She goes, I just want to see if the scale works. I'm always 12 pounds more than her. Always. And she always has to weigh herself every day. And she loves it to retell the story that the doctor keeps telling her she's not gaining enough weight.

I don't know why, but I'm not gaining weight. I'm like, mom, because you're not eating shit and I'm not going to do the side by side weighing. I'm so sorry, but that's more demented than maggots. I would eat a bowl of maggots over my mom being like, get on the scale after me. I'm so sorry, but that's more demented than maggots. I would eat a bowl of maggots over my mom being like, get on the scale after me. That's so fucked up.

And I've always been like a real large fucking stealthy brute next to her too. Really? She's always been very tiny. She's always been real tiny. And I've always been just her big hulking daughter. Oh my God. I think we have similar moms in many ways.

Cause your mom also talks about how she's not liberal and stuff. She's very liberal and she just wants everybody. But she doesn't connect to the people closest to her, she connects to people that are outside the family. Like, you know, so if somebody's like, you know, the mechanic, anyone that's not white, anyone that's beige or darker, she does a horror crawl towards

and just like wants to, is obsessed with them. But if I'm like, I'm in some amount of pain, she's like, well, Rachel, you walk loudly. You have a heavy step. That, yeah. If you just lost those 12 pounds, you wouldn't be in pain. My mom- Just wanna see if the scale works.

I guess I'm the bad guy. My mom would do like self-congratulatory, like I'm not a racist. She'd be like, she'd say stuff like, when I was younger in Brooklyn, a black family moved in and everyone hated it, but not me. I couldn't care less.

That's the age range, dude. And then we're supposed to be like, congratulations for not being upset that a black family. So my mom will see Ethan, black friend Ethan, Ethan SP, and will literally be like, so how's it being black? I'm sorry. I'm like, you can't control it.

She's like, that must be, so you're a nurse and you're black? She can't help it. I know. It becomes. She's just like, black. Black person. And Ethan will look at me and be like, black. Hi, I'm Black!

Hi, are you Jordan Black? She doesn't stop. Your skin is the same color as a crow. I didn't know you ever live with a crow skin. Sorry, how long have you known, Jordan Black? How long have you known, my daughter? What's it like to be the color of night? That's all they're thinking about.

Sorry, I promise I should... All right, let's wrap it up. That was the episode. Thank you guys so much. Can we plug our specials again? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. You want to let me finish?

I thought you were going to close it. You fucking piece of shit. I thought you were going to do the whole thing. No, asshole. Is this your first rodeo? Oh, Jesus. Guys, that's the show. Turn the cameras off. Thank you for tuning in. Where are you going? I got pee.

Oh my gosh. Ianfiedance.com. Oh, punchup.com slash Ian. Wait, punchup.live slash Ianfiedance. And Jordan Jensen. And Rachel Fieson. We're on Punch Up. Punch Up. Live slash all our names for all our dates. Check out my special while happy and free on the podcast YouTube page. Patreon dot com slash B and E and pod. Renan, I have all the time we have today. All right. Fine. Be watch my new special.

It's out right now on YouTube. It's called Brave. Go to my YouTube channel, YouTube dot com slash. Ron and Hirshberg or just type in brave special retarded.com. So brave special.com, type in brave special.com. I'll take you right to it. Please watch it, like it, share it. It's all I have, thank you.

Jesus Christ. Rachel, anything a little less pathetic? Big guy on Netflix, Texas sister, I so fucking love you. Thank you. It's great special. Check it out. Big guy on Netflix. We love, I so fucking love you. Thank you. It's a great special. Check it out. Big guy on Netflix. We love you.

Check these guys out. Follow them. See them live. See their specials. And we'll see you next time. Love you. Bye bye. Thank you. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.