Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 100: Red Leather/Yellow Leather W/ Brendan Sagalow & Mike Recine

Starting point is 00:00:00 No. Oh, you don't. Oh, you don't love that. Guess what? It's our hundredth episode. Thank you for rocking with us. We love you so much. And come see us on the road. Thanks for watching for a hundred times. Keep going. There's going to be more after them. Punch up dot live slash.

Starting point is 00:00:27 What? Why are we doing that? Punch up dot live slash. Come see us on the road. We're not doing plugs, are we? Yeah, we're not. I thought we were just saying welcome to the hundreds. Welcome to the hundreds. What? Why do you get a plug all the time? Patreon dot com is like being a podcast.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Because I need people to come to shows. Oh, come to our fucking shows you piece of shit. Yeah, why would you want people to come to shows? Even- Hahaha, look how stupid that dog looks. In a good way. Hahaha. Thank you for tuning in, a hundred episodes, a hundred more, we love ya.

Starting point is 00:01:06 Oh, why is that so wet? All right, bye bye. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being in. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt, it's a wild ride. When you're being Ian, being Ian, life is shit but you're positive.

Starting point is 00:01:41 Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan No, it doesn't say that. It says Hockey is so good Can we eat some of that? Yeah, let me get some of that shit Yeah Yeah some of that? Yeah, let me get some of that shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:09 Oh, okay. You first, huh? Thank you. Oh, it looks like cigarettes. Cat tails. Or no. What? Yes. What are they called? Are they? I like duck tails. Oh, sorry. I like duck tails. I'm sorry. I like bitches tails. Hell yeah. Oh, come on, man. I don't know. Okay, well, I like the pink ones. The strawberry one's the best. We're recording.

Starting point is 00:02:42 Oh. Yes, we have candy to celebrate. We're recording. We're recording. Oh. No, because it's celebratory 100 episodes. Yes! We have candy to celebrate. Let's eat. Let's cross our arms. Are we going? This is 15 pieces? Give me another one. Here, let's cross our arms and eat it. To celebrate.

Starting point is 00:03:00 Nice. What is she fucking to? Happy birthday to ours! Happy 100th episode. Oh, you want to sing with me? Happy 100th episode to you. Happy 100th episode to you. Happy 100th episode to those we lost with Charlie Hebdo. Happy 100th episode to you, the viewer at home. Thank you for rocking with us for 100 episodes. And here,

Starting point is 00:03:37 cheers to 100 more. We love you. We're so excited. Welcome back. Patreon.com slash B&E and pod for all the bonus solo episodes. A hundred of those too. Crazy. Who do you do solo episodes? With us. Family style. Yeah, nice. Secrets. Family style.

Starting point is 00:03:59 Oh, you mean with just me and him? Yeah. Sometimes we do regulars with just me and him. Yeah. But mostly the places he just me me and Jordy is on the page. He does the best. Those are the best episodes. Oh, all right. We'll just fuck ourselves. We'll just go have gay sex upstairs. Don't promise me a good time.

Starting point is 00:04:18 I'll just go power bottom for Brandon upstairs. Would it be so funny? We've been to the episode, you guys are fucking each other. Oh, he's going, yeah, yeah. Who me? I do read the comments. I mean, no, it's great. It's great. No, it's not great.

Starting point is 00:04:45 Did people say that I do read the comments. I mean, no, it's it's great. It's great. No, it's not great. The people say that I do that. Well, sometimes you don't always have that. You don't always know what you do, but I think it's endearing. I like it. Our first fight. One time I watched it. Yeah, yeah. And then he goes, is that me in the exact voice? Yeah. Yeah. Is that what I do? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Homophobic. It's so fucked up to do that to people. Can't even laugh at it. What, to name children movies while you're getting fucked in the ass? Yeah, I feel like you're about to come

Starting point is 00:05:27 and they're like Wreck-It Ralph. That's so fucked up. Inside, the Lion King live action, the Lion King 2 Simpsons Prime. Yeah. What? Why do you know the name of that? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:41 Like I know some things, you know some things. Oh, I'm gonna bust Mulala. You mean Mulan? Moana. Oh, Moana. I know some things you know something You mean Milan Moana Moana All dogs go to heaven She's like why did you do that movie like I was just asking Can't I question get a Are people asking that in the comments? You're really easy to imitate and it's because we're the best. Now yeah there's some people that don't like imitations of themselves. Imitation is the finest form of flattery. Yeah. Some people tell you to not make you mad. Yeah who think we've got you. And who told you that?

Starting point is 00:06:26 The people who are doing it. That's the most annoying thing in the world. I punched a guy, gave him a black eye. When? My boyfriend. Oh, I thought you were talking about today. No, my ex-boyfriend. Speaking of black eye, can I please get that off your island?

Starting point is 00:06:41 Stop. You scared me. That scared me. I just got. There it is. Stop. Scared me. That scared me. I just got. There it is. I sweat so much. Dripping, sliding around on the bench. Couldn't, couldn't even get my body to hold still because of all the wetness.

Starting point is 00:06:49 And then I went home. I've been exercising too lately. And I came here. Who do you think smells worse? There's no, because I worked out today. Smell. You did? Dude, I was coming home.

Starting point is 00:06:57 And I rode my bike last night and didn't shower. Forgot to tell you. What? I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. No, because I worked out today. You did? Dude, I was coming home.

Starting point is 00:07:06 And I rode my bike last night in the shower. Forgot to tell you. What are those scraggly hairs? You have hairs? I mean, it looks like the top of a burn victim's head. Can I explain myself? Can I explain myself first? This is the only... This is the only...

Starting point is 00:07:22 It looks like Homer Simpson's head. Yeah. If these are... First Yeah, it if These are this is the only amount that I can grow so it's hard for me to get rid of it because it's all I Can go lift your fucking arm up. Oh My god, it looks like Charlie Brown Is it bad no is mine. Wait, let me smell. Is it bad? No. Is mine worse? Yeah. Let me smell. It can't be that bad.

Starting point is 00:07:52 It's not bad at all. I was on the air train. Did it tickle? Let me rub my mustache on your armpit hair. Let me introduce them. They just did introduce it once. They want to say hello. Listen.

Starting point is 00:08:06 Listen. I was on a JFK air train a couple days ago and it was really crowded and I like, I was sweating a lot and I like put my arm up to hold on to the thing and these two Spanish girls who like were airport workers started like speaking Spanish to each other and like laughing and I was like they're making fun of my BO. They were reading the comments. They were in the comments. They were reading the comments. Hey, let me ask you something.

Starting point is 00:08:29 Did you know that 90% of women masturbate in the shower and 10% sing a song? Do you know what song they sing? It's a beautiful morning. Do you know what song they sing? I wake in the morning and I step outside and I buy a big truck and I'm really high I'm gonna buy a macarena

Starting point is 00:08:49 What is it? Come Mr. Dog, let's tell me about that One, two, three, four, five, I'm gonna come right here Who let the dogs out? No, you're supposed to go, do you know what song they sing? And she's buying a stairway to, but backwards, my sweet Satan, the one little path makes me sad. Kill them all, the children.

Starting point is 00:09:13 Yeah, it goes, my sweet Satan, the one little path makes me sad. Is my sweet Satan? No. So what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to go, do you know what song they sing? What? And usually they go, no. And then you go, you must masturbate. Uh-'re supposed to go do you know what song they sing and usually they go no And then you go you must masturbate Uh-huh Hey, did you know if they your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer

Starting point is 00:09:33 No Glasses are broken capital of Thailand Wouldn't you know the song if you did masturbate? No, it's what it is. You go, OK, I know there's a lot of numbers. All right. You go, you go, you know, 10 percent of women sing in the shower and 90 percent

Starting point is 00:09:59 masturbate. You know what song they sing. You go, no, they go, then you must. I masturbate in the shower. I can't come standing up me neither never done it My life when I was a kid, it's all when you guys like yeah, just a lot of And then now I gotta be laying down. Yeah What made me visualize you as a child coming with your knees? I still haven't moved from teeth to ba-ba.

Starting point is 00:10:29 Just clear cum. For some reason, I just picture you looking like the Six Flags old guy. He looks like that now. His mom's like, Ian, it's time for second grade. He's like 14. Well, it's time for your third year, second year. What about if you're banging from the back and doing it doggy style? You can't stand and.

Starting point is 00:10:55 No, I gotta be pounding. I wanna be laying down. On top. I can't be standing. I don't know what it is. Poor blood flow maybe, I don't know. Do you get soft? No, I just can't come standing. I don't know what it is. Poor blood flow maybe, I don't know. Do you get soft? No, I just can't come.

Starting point is 00:11:08 You gotta be... I either have to be on top or laying down and you have to be on top. I can't come standing up. Pretty convenient. What if you're on your knees? Why would I come on my knees? I can come on my knees.

Starting point is 00:11:22 Okay. No, it's the guys who's fucking that are coming on his knees. No, it's the guys who's fucking that are coming on his knees Brandon what the hell sorry. Sorry everybody New hair yeah, you're a hairy chick, huh? Yeah what but not there. Yeah Look like you fell on the ground. I don't you look like a boy that just started puberty What Gun out of the couch. What is that gum? What's um? No?

Starting point is 00:12:03 And spit my gum up and then I turned to look back and he had cut it in the air Wow Wow that's pretty cool sex That night yeah, yeah, really that's your mating call Somebody who can do the Aladdin app Give me the pocky I'll do it right now Because you don't want to fuck me hundredth episode Let me show you how I can only come Your dog is just fucking staring at me bro It actually doesn't taste good you I'll eat that don't think I'm a pig you it's all licked

Starting point is 00:12:46 You think they're acting like that's not, like you're gonna not eat that? What are you, short-circuiting? What the fuck is happening? Stop acting like, who, I got you. All right. Also, that wasn't what you were gonna originally say happened. You said reset. I know, reset. I got flustered at the prospect of food. I was like, I was literally going to say, don't act like that's not hot.

Starting point is 00:13:11 Yeah. And then you're like, don't act. Give that to me. I'll take it. No, I don't want it now. Hey, you're being such a good dog. No, it touched her more. Look at Jordan. I said, Brendan looks like the manager at a hotel in Africa Welcome to Hotel Rwanda Said it looks like he's about to marry a couple on the beach. No, he looks like the funniest footlocker guy. Can we admit?

Starting point is 00:13:44 What it got. Because on the Patreon it was a real... You did it on the Patreon. You don't really wear black on the beach though. No, because of the linens. It looks like he's going to marry someone on the beach. It looks like the unc at the barbecue going, these young lads are crazy.

Starting point is 00:13:59 I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. You look black. That was the joke. You look. Yeah. What are you would you look black? That was the joke. Yeah. You look black, too. Like people dress like that. Yeah, we all look black. You're wearing a sweater shirt. You're black. Is this a sweater shirt? Where did you get that shirt? Tick tock shop.

Starting point is 00:14:18 Black people. What does that mean? Tick tock has its own shop. Oh, God, I don't have to gatekeep, but. Yes, Tick Tock has its own shop. And people shop don't have the gate key, but yes, TikTok has its own shop. People shop at it. It's the TikTok shop. Who was the creator that sold? I've bought so much. I don't know. I have no idea.

Starting point is 00:14:32 I bought so much stuff from TikTok. I bought this. That's what they want. Yeah. Oh, they want you to buy stuff. Stores. It's evil. Stores want you to buy stuff. You should go to an in-person store. Is it different stores or is it one store? Not some nefarious online Chinese communist store.

Starting point is 00:14:47 You mean it's a targeted ad. Yeah. Call it TikTok. Yeah. Well, no. OK. Guess who got your fucking all your info forever now, pal? I don't care about that. Targeted ads. They give me everything. Yeah. Every time I like look at something, I like I hope I see a thousand of these. But look at this I like I hope I see a thousand of these but look at this you click shop

Starting point is 00:15:08 You can buy things and it can connect to your Apple pen and it just it shows you the stuff that you probably want to Buy. Yeah, I mean some stuff comes in its absolute garbage And then you go why did I buy that fucking shirt with the picture of the always sunny guys and it says blink 182 Why do I have a garbage bag full of popcorn? Did you see the garbage bag they put on the Empire State Building? It looks like it. They put a dragon on it for House of Dragons. And it looks like somebody used the Empire State Building as a butt plug and pooped a little on it. We're now using the...

Starting point is 00:15:40 Oh, I just confused the Statue of Liberty with the Empire State Building. Never mind. I was going to say they put that dragon on the that's our Lady Liberty. So you're saying, oh, sorry, I was buying something off. What do you think people are? Statue of Liberty. I was investing in TikTok shop. Say that I'm more linen. Tick tock, check, check.

Starting point is 00:15:59 Five times fast. We're advertising. Tick tock, tick tock. Say red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Red, yellow leather, leather. Stop. Red leather, yellow leather. Oh my God. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Starting point is 00:16:13 Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather. This is actually the combination that Ian wears when he goes out to gay bars. Red leather and yellow leather.

Starting point is 00:16:24 Oh, I'm putting on my Hulk Hogan Have you seen that video of Andrew Tate he's like would you rather fuck Hulk Megan Fox with a dick or Hulk Hogan with a pussy? Megan Fox with a dick for sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Who wouldn't choose Megan Fox with a penis? Of course. Or Hulk Hogan with a vagina. Yeah. Hulk Hogan now or Hulk Hogan in like 88.

Starting point is 00:16:57 Yeah, you can use his mustache as handlebars. Yeah. And he I would love to have a delicious leg drop on me. Red leather, yellow leather. I'm coming for you. Red, I'm going to get it. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow. You got it. Just do it. Just do it. No, no. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather,

Starting point is 00:17:17 yellow leather. This is a good get out of your head. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Oh, my God. Red leather,, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, leather, red, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, yellow, red, leather, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Ray Z and you try. Alright, I'm gonna try it, but somebody hold this to my throat. And if I mess up, I want you to cut me. Cool! Every time you mess up, you get tased. I don't like this.

Starting point is 00:17:56 No, come on, I don't want to get tased. No, leave him alone, Ian! Why do you have to tase Ian? Leave him alone. His show doesn't even pay. Don't touch my dog! Okay, how do you look now? Then don't mess up.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Oh my god, you're about to multisanti the dog. Don't multisanti my dog. How about I shovel KU? Don't multisanti dog, don't multisanti dog. So you just can't say anything fast. Say it. Stop. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather,

Starting point is 00:18:19 red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Go. Good job. Why are you the one whose brain is the most- Red leather, yellow leather, red leather leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather go why are you the one who's Leather red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather Why fine red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather? Jeez, man red leather

Starting point is 00:18:46 It's funny that he has to charge it. God. He's like, oh, this is pissing me off. This is pissing me off. Yeah, I know. What? Red, leather, yellow, leather. Red, leather. Just keep your tongue out a little bit the whole time.

Starting point is 00:18:57 Red. Red, leather, yellow. Like this, like floppy. Red, leather, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, leather, red, leather, yellow, leather, red, red, leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Oh, you can't even get past three. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Ian in hospice going, oh, let's just kill him.

Starting point is 00:19:17 You tend to relax a little. Let's just pull the plug on Ian. What? I was saying, let's just pull the plug on you. I would be a DNR. I would be a DNR. What's a DNR? Do not resuscitate.

Starting point is 00:19:33 Are you a sperm donor? Organ donor? Yeah. You donate your organs? That'd be so funny. They take your organs and your cum. Did you hear that? Bring the N word. No, I'm not Jordan. Come Did you hear that bring the n-word no, I'm not We should tase you

Starting point is 00:19:55 Would you DNR Yeah, I guess Yeah, yeah, I want someone to have my organs and my and my sperm Do they take your sperm after you die? They should. They should take your sperm right before you die. They take your organs. They take your eyeballs. Yeah. Yeah. Like what's his name? Give someone the gift of sight. Yeah, it's amazing.

Starting point is 00:20:12 Can they do that? They just rewire them. I think so. Really? Yeah. I think they're like plug in like Jerry Orbach. Yeah. Plug and play. Jerry Orbach. Yeah. It is as. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:24 Is he the guy from Law and Order? Yeah. And Beauty and the Beast. Kenny did. Kenny donated his eyes, right? Kenny donated everything. Everything. Everything. Wow.

Starting point is 00:20:32 How do you choose to donate everything? I chose to do this. I wish it was Aaron Berg and stuff. That'd be great if you could... We all do. Could you donate? You just saw him last night with me. Could you donate your pussy to it?

Starting point is 00:20:40 I know, I was kidding. Oh. I like him. OK. Oh, I was just joking. I like I was kidding. Oh, I like him. Oh, I was just joking Ian to could you donate your penis to a that's a curb reenthusiastic man's mouth. Yeah Penis donor Please suck me off

Starting point is 00:21:01 Please suck me off. I mean, I'm an organ donor. You know, I'm donating. I would donate my pay. They use it as a doorstop. I stopped writing since Kenny. You did? Yeah. Yeah. I started wearing a helmet since Kenny. I just saw him and it really freaked me out in the hospital.

Starting point is 00:21:17 And it really made me so I'm in the hospital. Yeah. And it. Yeah. We were joking to try to like, you know, be OK with everything. And then once we were in there was like the saddest We broke down. Broke down completely. Yeah There was something about like the idea of like everybody just standing around me and being like, I don't know there was something It was weird. It was like there's a person there and you just want to be like, get up dude. It's just real life. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just real. What are you doing? You were just here. Alright, come on. Sorry, sorry, yeah. Go, go, go, go. Who's this? Yeah, anyway. Oh, red leather, yellow leather, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow Anyway. Oh, red leather, yellow. Yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow.

Starting point is 00:21:49 Can you do that? Do you think I can't do that? What are you going to do? Just do it. Right. Go, go, go, go, go. All right. All right, Internet, do your stuff. You're doing this to make me look like a fool. You suck. You know what else he can't do?

Starting point is 00:22:12 And there's a TikTok trend that said that women can't do this, but I can do it. The grrr. Oh yeah. Like, yeah, there you go. Perfect. Good. Yeah, that's pretty good. That was way better. I've been practicing. Perfect. Good. Yeah. That was pretty good. That was way better than you, Blair.

Starting point is 00:22:25 I've been practicing. Anyway. Anyhow. What are more tongue twisties? Are you seeing? Who's your opener? Somebody I like and know. Who? Nick Viagas sometimes? Yeah, that kid's great. He's good. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:40 He's got to put his sleeves back into his shirt though, don't you think? Is he the one with the stutter? Yeah, he's great. He's really funny. Is he yeah, he's a good guy. It's like Yeah, like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's it's funny. I think it's a starter I think cuz he's like to stutter. It's a stutter. Yeah, just said everybody doesn't He's more of a talk. It's the cum thing where it's like Yeah, you know, yeah, I have that I have that problem. What's a cum thing? When people stutter and it looks like they're,

Starting point is 00:23:08 having a little orgasm. Oh, nice. Cool. We were in Amsterdam and I was like, do not cheat on your girlfriend. I don't think he did. But he kept leaving the Airbnb to like walk around. What are you doing?

Starting point is 00:23:21 I don't, he didn't, he didn't. Okay, good. Yeah. But I was, I was advising't. He didn't. He didn't. OK, good. Yeah. But I was I was advising him. He actually thought that he did cheat on her. No, he didn't. He texted me about it. No, he didn't. And he went, I just he actually typed tick, tick, tick,

Starting point is 00:23:35 tick. And when I just see that's so funny to make fun of someone's disability, you fucking scum. Good about yourself. Yes. Just a poor little boy trying to do stand up comedy with a stutter. He's really funny. His girlfriend's hot. You know who else is so funny with a stutter?

Starting point is 00:23:52 You went to Amsterdam? Donnie's... What? I lost a bunch of money. Okay, good, good, good. They were trying to send me to Australia and I was like, they were like, you'll lose all this money. I was like, how about I just go on vacation? How about that?

Starting point is 00:24:04 Well, that's kind of like hamster day. It's nice to go. I forget who I was talking to, but someone said that Australia's like, traveling 24 hours to get to Long Island. I know, that's what somebody said too. Yeah, totally. That's hilarious.

Starting point is 00:24:15 What was it, like, louder birds or something? I think so, I think the birds are just large. Chip, chip! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Coffee and a treat? Is the, dude dude is the girl. My own. Are you square? You want me to square?

Starting point is 00:24:29 Yes. Oh, yeah. I mean, he hooked an Australian girl who kept going. So you want me to square? And he's like, yes, square. And what she was saying was you want me to squat on your dick. I have a thing for squats. It's so well in Australia. No, it means no, it

Starting point is 00:25:05 no, it means no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no No, remember those tubes that you'd slide up and down? You remember that in the 90s? Oh, right. Those are Australian. Why are they? I don't know. They sound like. Oh, we're such fools. Oh, what tubes? It was a tube that would make that noise.

Starting point is 00:25:14 I was obsessed. Oh, the cow thing. It's a cow. It's a cow. You turn and goes, no, no, no, no. It doesn't go move, but it is a cow. Go move. It's not a cow. It's a cow. Cow. It goes, no. It doesn't go moo, but it is a moo cow. Cow go moo? It's not a moo cow.

Starting point is 00:25:26 It's a moo cow. It's called a moo cow. It's not called a moo cow. I'll bet you a hundred bucks right now it's called a moo cow. Wow. I lost so much used to blackjack. Really? When? Where? It's nice to have money.

Starting point is 00:25:40 Me and Sakura, when we did Turning Stone, which is where my sister's ex-husband fucked all those whores, and I was wondering if I was laying in a bed in which my family had been destroyed. A lot of destroyed cum. Yes. How much money did you lose? A family.

Starting point is 00:25:54 $140. So your sister, she's like a single gal now? Just like a single mom? Yes, yeah. Nice. Actually, she has a boyfriend, but I refuse to acknowledge his existence because he's a goober and says things like, we're so happy you came over.

Starting point is 00:26:07 And I'm like, you are new. You're new to this family. Right. You scared me. I told him the last time I saw him, it was awesome. That's weird. I said, you freak me out, dude. How many kids does she have?

Starting point is 00:26:17 There's a lot to lose. The guy cheated on her. How many kids does she have with him? One. Five. Okay. Damn. Guys is a good brother. You can't be destroying your family, you know.

Starting point is 00:26:25 It's bad. It's called a moocow. How could you? You don't even think about those things. May can't even. You're so you're landed outside of your league so hard that you better not even pray for the devil's dick. Somebody fart. No, no, no. It really.

Starting point is 00:26:42 Nobody farted. No one in here farted They can't smell it okay, so so why don't we just why don't we just have some respect for our audience and Move on let's move on No Did somebody fart? No. No. Don't do it at once. I'm putting two in my nose and one in my mouth. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Chucker got sent to my mom's house and said to mine Chucker you put a test on it you whip it dog goes Use a door. I did but she could she need that big dog. Somebody did fart

Starting point is 00:27:36 Dude I think it's the dog. Yeah, it might be the dog. Yes Man dude, I know a dog How do you guys feel pretty, you accused me of ripping ass. And it wasn't me. It was the dog. There was a little. You guys must feel pretty stupid, huh? There was a little. The dog. I love how you can tell Racine is becoming a dad.

Starting point is 00:27:56 He's like, and how do we feel about that? I don't know that you're a fart head. Yeah. I know that you're farty fart. I might have given her a couple of strawberries today, which they make a person fart. Boy, what they do to it.

Starting point is 00:28:10 That poor dog's stomach. I kind of like the smell of dog farts. Dude, not her. I used to go to a porn cycle, dog fart, dog fart dot com, and it was interracial only. Why is it dog fart dot com? I'd ask them.

Starting point is 00:28:23 I call her fart dog. Close. Yeah. Why is it dog fart dot com? I asked them. I don't know. I call her fart dog clothes. Yeah. Should I get that one inside? I checked off on the tour bus. Well, with other people in the tour bus. Did you get off on the hot being in there? Yeah. Did they hear you? I hope not. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:40 It's like you started. Was it a fire for two sticks? They didn't hear you go. No My god someone's rubbing two bricks together. Is someone cutting metal in that? Someone's sliding on a cinder block Oak door opening in there. Someone's throwing sand up against the wall Just go right to the sand of course we're gonna end up in the sand. Of course we're going sand. sand. Dude, your dog, it's ass is bad again. It's bad, man.

Starting point is 00:29:27 I don't smell it. I didn't even smell it. Come over here, come over here. It's rough. Come over here. No. It's kind of fucked up. Like accusing me of farting

Starting point is 00:29:36 is like accusing a black teenager of stealing. Why, it happens all the time? Because most of the time it's exactly what's going on. Most of the time it's reality what's going on. It's reality. You ripped ass upstairs. It ruins other people's lives. Yeah. Yeah. It you cleared the upstairs.

Starting point is 00:29:56 And also, when I said, did somebody fart, you immediately got on the. I didn't say, did you fart? You're already getting defensive. But I didn't do it. I'll tell you when I. But yeah, classic. I farted. The one upstairs was pretty bad I didn't do it. I'll tell you when I am classic. I farted one upstairs was pretty bad. I'll admit it. I'll admit it. You couldn't get out of it. You made the noise.

Starting point is 00:30:11 What's that? It sounded like I could have like a marching band at a special ed school. I do what I do when I queef, which is this. Oh, when I fart on airplanes, I go, who did that? Yeah, I'll fart and I'll go, is there a duck in here? That's a wolf slider, I'll tell you what. Is there a duck in here?

Starting point is 00:30:32 Where's that duck? Must be a creaky floor in this F-47. 57? Jet blue? Jet blue? I don't know. My mom farts when I'm mad, immediately looks at you like this. It's almost like you're going to tell.

Starting point is 00:30:51 So wait, you jerked off on the tour bus. But you think about historically say you don't want to talk about that. Really? Yeah. That's all I bet. I know. Very interesting. I bet we could all guess. Everybody do a guess. What she. I don't bet I know. Very interesting. I bet we could all guess. I do a guess. What she.

Starting point is 00:31:06 I don't want to. With that face, I don't want to think about it. Oh, I said you're like a jaw must hit me. Oh, you think about are you thinking what I'm thinking about? Would you think it? You don't know. Oh, I know. What was it? I bet I know. No, no, no. The way you whisper, he goes, I bet I know

Starting point is 00:31:39 What were you thinking about nothing tell us I think it was just I haven't masturbated in years and I think it's just The fact that I was here Doing it in literally that I was here. You're doing it in the first time I was around twenty seven men and I just thought now is better time than ever. Oh, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, get over here and have her come over here because I don't mind. I mind. I kind of like it.

Starting point is 00:32:00 Yeah, that's what it is. Fire don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:32:12 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:32:20 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I can't whistle. Okay, go. Is that weird that I can't whistle? Or go high. Go coyote. No, I don't want this fucking fart monster.

Starting point is 00:32:28 She is a fart monster. Coyote, come here. I'm already sitting next to a fart monster. Yeah, really. My God. You guys treat me like shit. You guys really treat me like shit. Stop with the chauffeur.

Starting point is 00:32:36 I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

Starting point is 00:32:44 I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. You guys are really treating me like shit today. Stop with the shofar! That's exactly how I sound in every relationship I'm in. He treats me like shit. Yeah, but it doesn't make him calm. That's true. That is all I'm thinking about is somebody being like, you're disgusting, jerking off in the bus, you're so gross, I wish you were dead.

Starting point is 00:33:08 Staying in the sheets and squirt. Was there like a curtain or anything? Yeah. Yeah. There is something, not something, but it is incredibly hot to like jerk off when there's like a bunch of people around. No. I mean, if it was a bus full of chicks. Dude, one time I fucked a guy

Starting point is 00:33:21 while his dad was sleeping right there. Jesus Christ Why like he was on a couch over there sleeping? Are you near a dad's sleep? Before we all took the juice His dad took the juice I didn't do it. I just got one in before they were Wait, why did you not jerk off for so long? And then you're on a tour bus.

Starting point is 00:33:46 Imagine the last thing you do before you die is fuck Jordan. No, I'm just saying that'd be cool. That'd be a great way to go out. I would love. It'd be a gift from God. It'd be amazing. Yeah. It'd be the best memory to have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:34:02 Imagine fucking Jordan right before he died. Your last words are, did your dog fart? Or has that your pussy? Wow We have some respect your pussy fart Dude your pussy fart Having sex with me and they died on me how long it would take me to realize that they were dead and not just enough because I would well know cuz I'd be spending so long just being like this is a nice embrace like this is so funny. Yeah they would die and you'd be like aww. Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:31 Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. Like while they're so warm petting that. I didn't know that we were here. Alright babe get off. Don't lick your way out of this stinky. Let her lick you. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:34:45 Wait, where were you that the guy's dad was next to you? I think we were like looking around for colleges and senior year. Like we were touring to see what college we wanted to go to. Oh, this is at a college? Yeah, like at some hotel. And the dad was in the other bed? Yeah. So he let you guys sleep in the bed together.

Starting point is 00:35:05 And how many trade schools did you look at that week? So you went to a hotel looking to fry? Yeah. You are literally a stupid person. From NYU. You went to NYU? Oh, your dog. What, it's all wet. You graduated from NYU? What?

Starting point is 00:35:30 You fucking didn't? The dad wakes up, he's like, did somebody fuck my son in here? That's interesting. Dude, that's a really good point. It does smell like sex after you fuck. No, he knew for sure. Well especially if you use a condom. He probably jerked off to it. He's like sex after you fuck. No, he knew for sure.

Starting point is 00:35:45 Of course he knew. Well, especially if you use a condom. He probably jerked off to it. He's like got his two eyes closed and he's like opens one and he smiles. That's my boy. One time that same kid. Wow, they're sleeping weird.

Starting point is 00:35:54 You're on your, you're getting fucked from the back. I was blowing him and his mom walked in and he's, his mom walked in over here and he turned, looked at her over his shoulder and then saw her then did a somersault Over me and landed there. So I'm just facing the mom like this with my mouth just Whoa like a puffer fish I was fat. Oh that wasn't a fat joke. You were fat at that time. I thought you said I was that I was that oh that wasn't a fat. You're fat at that time Actually tell me about it

Starting point is 00:36:42 Yeah, I was gonna say I'm like yeah, I just thought it was a point. You know, and I'm starving. Cheeseburger. We should just make a compilation of sagalow unnecessarily calling him so fat on every episode. Be like, well, for the 100thth episode clip up a sagalow montage I've been calling him so bad for no reason I'm like the word's fat and he's like I am over here I'm like gloobily gloobily

Starting point is 00:37:16 You're really not that fat compared to a lot of people we know Thanks I disagree Shut the f*** up It's not true. Come on. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I got it. OK, good. Stop licking me, dog. You're not that fatty, sir.

Starting point is 00:37:36 I'm sorry. No, you're just like a regular guy. Thanks. I don't even think of you as fat. No, I think you was a fart. No, I got you a gift. I forgot it. Really? What's the gift from tour?

Starting point is 00:37:49 You know, it was my birthday this month. I have a gift. Mine's on Friday. I have a gift. How old are you? Three. Mm hmm. You too. And you're going to be 30. Seven. Seven. Yeah. Wow. That is not right.

Starting point is 00:38:02 Why? You know, 37. Yeah. Why? How old are you? Thirty nine. You're older than Mike Racine. You're older than him. Don't look at her like that's weird because you do have young energy. Thank you for that compliment. Now you tell me where you were coming from. He just seemed like he would teach you how to fetch or something.

Starting point is 00:38:22 You look like you'd like to whatever. Catch. Fetch. You're older than that. That'd be funny. Yeah. You know, I get different outfits. What are you talking about? This is a cool fit. That'd be funny if Ian was my son, I dress him up like a dog.

Starting point is 00:38:42 I'm like, all right, come on, boy. That's my brain. Is your brain boggled by that? Biaugled? Are you OK? Are you boggled by it? It's just my hair. But I look, because you have like a family and a wife. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:59 And he looks like he interns at like venues. You know what I mean? Yeah. You look like a sound guy. You look like a sound guy. You look like a sound guy. Yeah. Yeah. But not a sound of mine. A sound guy.

Starting point is 00:39:11 Yeah. Not a sound guy. A roadie guy. You look like a roadie. Yeah. Do you know James Gandolfini was 37 in the first season of Sopranos? That gives me so much hope. Just saying. Even though I'm two years old. Yeah, but he was in movies like before that.

Starting point is 00:39:25 Yeah, but I'm just saying he was like still a young guy when he... Really? Yeah. Billy Crystal was 39 when he did SNL. Yeah. Oh, wow. Thirty nine when he did SNL. Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, thirty nine when they were

Starting point is 00:39:39 when they did Ghostbusters in 84. Crazy, right? Great. Is that good to know? Yeah, we're doing good. learning Spanish. And you can too, if you use the promo code, because there's a special limited time deal for B&E and with Jordan listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription at babbel.com slash ska. That's up to 60% off at babbel.com slash ska. B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash ska. Check it out. Asta Luego. That means see you next time. Hey tootsie. Adios. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no.

Starting point is 00:40:54 I don't look back on wish that I was younger. I see 25 year olds and I'm like, oh, I know what you're talking about. I know what you're thinking about. And it's constantly in your twenties, you hate who you are. And then in your thirtiess you start to accept who you are But you still hate it and I feel like in your 40s. That's when you're like really I'm okay with this person Yeah, yeah, but in the 20s. I don't miss just being like how do I become a different person and wear a different outfit again? It would be little bit, you know, right?

Starting point is 00:41:18 We were all like that. Yeah, you were Stop doing that always. You know, eventually you're like, oh, yeah, this is like I was talking to somebody. I forget who it was about. Maybe it was about masturbation or something. Oh, no, it was I was talking to I was talking to somebody who's she's like 38. And I was talking about how she she's seeing this guy once a week. Like she's like regimenting it.

Starting point is 00:41:47 I was like, I could never do that. I'm like I'm like every day or no days. And she's like, yeah, I think it is just like getting older where you're like, I don't need to. I love that. I love not seeing the person. And in your 20s, it was not like that. Yeah, 20s. You were like, I love just no, no, but I car. And I was always like that six.

Starting point is 00:42:05 With the phone on airplane mode Be back tomorrow Geez I do kind of like I haven't used this but like if if Deb ever like makes me mad I'm the ace of my sleeve is I'm gonna go I would rather be at the airport to be around you That's like my little Wow. that's like my nuclear button. Oh, which is not true. I you know tonight. It's a good line It's a bar is what's your nuclear button? nuclear nuclear nuclear blood mine is I finance and

Starting point is 00:42:43 Insult in finance than. Nice. Nice. The insult. Yep. Airport in finance. Ex. I asked Rich Voss to do my podcast and he said he goes, I take you places. What he said, I candy stuffed to the brims falling out of their pockets. It gives a fuck. Who cares? What you would rather be at the airport than the podcast. What did Rich Voss say? That's a's a compliment I said would you do my podcast and he said I'd rather walk through Lebanon wearing a yarmulke

Starting point is 00:43:16 How many Palisades just take to screw the light bulb none. They don't have electricity. It's so funny Your thing was funny too. Yeah, it's so funny. Ah, your thing was funny, too. Yeah. It's triggering him. No, you're not. No. I don't care about that. Oh, you want to have boss on it so you can argue? No, I don't know. That would be fun. You find it would be fun.

Starting point is 00:43:39 Yeah. I'll argue. You'll do it. Maybe you should do it. Yeah. I think a little conflict is good for you. Do it think he'll do it? Maybe. You should do it. Yeah. I think I'm. A little conflict is good for podcasts and radio. You do it at your house, right? No, in the studio. It's a nice studio too. Maybe Stan, thanks.

Starting point is 00:43:52 Lord, Lord recorded an album there. Lord? Lord? Lord who? You rent it out. Yeah. Per episode. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:02 I've been doing my house and boy howdy, is it weird having people see your house all the time. I don't know how you do it. Where do you live now? What's your address? Yeah. I've been doing my house and boy howdy is it weird having people see your house all the time. I don't know how you do it. Where do you live now? What's your address? Yeah. What's your exact address?

Starting point is 00:44:11 What neighborhood do you live in? One, two, three, four. No, no! Cunt way. One, two, three, four, one. Is it one, two, three, four? Is it really cunt way? He's going one, two, three, four, gay street and You're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Starting point is 00:44:29 hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Starting point is 00:44:39 hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Actually, I thought about that. Gmail, that's. Harden, Harden. Well, the sun's man? Did you not find that? What do you think about that? But you didn't find that funny, huh? How did it find you? But how did that joke find you?

Starting point is 00:45:17 You really say that to people? Every single time. And then I go, no, it's this, but I always go like gay guy. Why did you say it to a gay guy? I did say it to'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

Starting point is 00:45:28 I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

Starting point is 00:45:35 I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

Starting point is 00:45:41 I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm just like eat it? Prank. All right, all right, all right. Okay, let's go back on making fun of John Margo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we don't need to mock someone's weight. Yeah, that's a slippery slope.

Starting point is 00:45:54 Just like your belly. Man, not everybody need a podcast. That's like the biggest insult. Every time I post a clip of a podcast on TikTok or something, there's at least one comment that's like, they gotta start taking podcast equipment away from people. They're like, they make that shit too cheap. Well, they're not.

Starting point is 00:46:15 So we're going to keep doing it until we die. We're going to keep doing it until we're killed in a car accident. And our last thought is why did I spend so much time podcasting? Was anyone listening? Was anyone listening or giving a shit? My podcast is called RIP Jordan Jensen. I keep thinking about if I die and they'll be like yeah, can I do it? If we can we get any like yeah The only thing about my podcast is I have to be able to talk about I have to be able to say what I

Starting point is 00:46:52 Want and you can't later be like we have to edit this unless it's about somebody that you love You know like your wife or something. Yeah, we never get any like you're like bill maher when Steve-o was like You're not smoke weed on my podcast. Oh yeah. Like, I'm gonna smoke weed. Who said that? Bill Martin. Steve-O didn't do his podcast because he was like, I'm not not smoking weed. I would hate that if somebody smoked weed.

Starting point is 00:47:15 New rules. Yeah. New rules. What's a new rule? I like, I thought you liked Bill Martin. New rules. Whites and blacks have different founds. I need to different child pornography.

Starting point is 00:47:25 OK, I'm going to film. New rule. I'm allowed to watch. New rule. I get to watch child. Fuck when I do it. OK. It's research for what not to do with children. You look at Gideyport. Probably look at him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something weird withorn? Probably look at him. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:45 Yeah. Yeah. Something weird with his eyes are deep in there. I've never seen the whites of Bill Maher's eyes. You notice that? Yeah. Little pin pricks on a clay head. That's funny.

Starting point is 00:47:55 Think about it. Who the hell are you to be talking about someone's eyes? Yeah. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, she's here to protect. How dare you say that? Dogs love me.

Starting point is 00:48:15 People love you too. I guess. Hey, Odie. Come here. Yeah. Where do you smell that stink? Holy shit. Let me see.

Starting point is 00:48:23 Let me see. God, I hope she... hope she's the judge of this Squeeze her squeeze it out like two dogs Oh Oh, let me lick this dog's asshole right now. See what's up Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god Oh my god. Coyote you little slut. She's a huge whore.

Starting point is 00:48:43 Oh my god. Coyote you little whore. She's a huge whore. I think I did get a little shit in my mouth the other day though. On Father's Day. Because Benny like made a big mess and I was like cleaning it up and I guess I didn't like wash my hands thoroughly and then I was like I started eating crackers. So I was like oh okay I guess that's what shit tastes like.

Starting point is 00:49:07 But it's my kids. But it's my sons. It's my. I thought it was your own shit. It's your shit. Was it wet? Was it his poop or your poop? Or was it Dr. Poop? OK, OK, OK. Oh, it was his.

Starting point is 00:49:21 No, that's way better. If it was someone else's poop. Ew, imagine coming out of his ass. His hairy ass. I know that's what it's magic. Little boy poop is fine. It's fine, yeah. No, it's not.

Starting point is 00:49:32 It's still poop. It's not as bad as a grown- No, he's eating like meat. That's the least- Oh, God. Do you remember after we did Adam and Nick show, we just ate loose meats on the train? When? No.

Starting point is 00:49:44 What kind? In December, you would have packed a salami. We were just eating them on the train. When? No. What kind? In December. You would have packed a salami. We were just eating them on the train. Oh, that's sad. That really meant a lot to you, didn't it? I hold things close to me that no one else does. Oh, yeah, no, we spit into each other's mouths. No.

Starting point is 00:50:02 But yeah, he like sat on the toilet and then he was like, and then I looked in the toilet, there was nothing in there and then he was walking around being like, I have poo poo on my leg, but I didn't see. So he's like on the couch and then he like turned around and he had like a big streak of shit on his leg. So I was like, why'd you suck it off your fingers? Why'd you go? Then you look at Billy Oh your poop she likes human poop, how do you know it was human outside licked human poop, where'd she find it?

Starting point is 00:50:36 It was here's what happened human poop store She she pulled me towards a thing and I was talking on the phone and then I smelled human shit And I thought does that he's got to smell every little thing. Yeah. How do you know it was human poop? I threw her into the tub. Oh, God. And I washed her mouth off.

Starting point is 00:50:51 Yeah. What? Soap, I hope. Dr. Brown, there's a little, just a little. That's OK, right? You should use toothpaste. How do you know it was human poop? You can tell.

Starting point is 00:51:00 It doesn't smell. Because it was a human poop. What did it taste like? It was wet. Where? It was it was like a couple of weeks away from my house because somebody said you know what else I saw? I was a toilet paper. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:51:20 A little toilet paper with some poop on it. Ew man. Just stop. Yes. Stop that my God. Paper, little toilet paper with some poop on it. You man. Just stop. Yes. Stop that. God, I was gagging for so long. Roast for two seconds. You spit on me. You spit on me. Don't I don't want to think about it.

Starting point is 00:51:39 Everything is coming out of you all at once. Swing your you flat nails. They look flat. The other day, I got a load blown in me and then I sat on my couch and it came out of me and. I was on the phone and I sat like naked on the bed and then I said, I'm the guy and then I stood up like came back out in coyote with the couch you have guests on for your podcast

Starting point is 00:52:11 no no no a different one that's all you only have one couch in your apartment I've been there you're guest sitting on your couch you had sex on this couch no I have not I put a towel down no no I didn't have sex down here.

Starting point is 00:52:26 Shut the fuck up. I didn't get in tunnel. See my couch is microsuede so if I get like shit or piss. Is that good? Try to get microsuede? It's good cause you just, you get like, you know, calm once a month. You just wipe it off. Is it cozy? Yeah it's nice. It's really nice.

Starting point is 00:52:42 Okay. You left a snail trail on your couch. Oh, my God. You're not even on the pill and you're getting cummed in. There was blood in the tomb was bleeding. Oh, fuck off, dude. It's awesome. I just think it was a liver.

Starting point is 00:52:58 What the hell is this? But you're not on the pill and you're getting your call. Fuck off. Yeah, you're not on the pill and you're getting calm. Then if I'm bleeding that ice, you could still get still get pregnant. Yes. Yes. No, it's it's very hard to get pregnant. Nobody gets pregnant anymore.

Starting point is 00:53:21 They don't get pregnant. Not AIDS. You can't get pregnant. Not AIDS. You can get pregnant. Yes, you can. I haven't used a condom in 11 years. Yes, you can. It doesn't happen often, but you can. I don't think it does.

Starting point is 00:53:35 Can you look this up, please? Can you get pregnant on your period? I don't think any baby could survive now. Jordan, anyway. Yeah. Your baby just comes out. Survive what? Jordan anyway. Yeah. Your baby just comes out. You can come to my and you were in me barely. I barely made it out of there. It's like it's like the end of Die Hard.

Starting point is 00:54:00 Unlikely, which is basically what I just said. It can happen. It doesn't often. But but that's a situation where it's like you got to keep that I just said. It can happen. It doesn't often, but... But that's a situation where it's like you gotta keep that baby. No, yeah, you can't use condoms. What are you talking about? Well, you're in a monogamous relationship. Why not pulling out?

Starting point is 00:54:13 Although... You think? Oh, sad. Who's your boyfriend? Do we know him? Same guy. What? Oh, you know him. You know him. Oh, okay. All him. Oh, OK.

Starting point is 00:54:25 All right. Oh, man. Hey, it's your journey. Let me ask you something. I don't know if you want to talk about this on the show, but the what? No. Yeah. But I saw you at the cellar and you you guys.

Starting point is 00:54:37 Yeah. Yeah. But do you think it's a little unfair that this guy keeps nutting in you and breaking your heart over and over again? Should be the opposite. He should be nutting in you and breaking your heart over and over again. Yeah. It should be the opposite. He should be nutting in your heart and breaking that pussy. It's like we're in third grade, like eighth grade. Whoa, I think Brendan's had sex before.

Starting point is 00:55:01 I stand by that statement. I think that was amazing. I stand by it. I was waiting for you to be like, Kean Burger! I stand by that statement. I think that was amazing. I stand by it. I was waiting for you to be like, cheeseburger? Cheeseburger? I'm starving. I'm starving.

Starting point is 00:55:11 I didn't stop him. None of your hard, break it, pull it. I'm hungry. Like the fat guy comic who's got like a slogan. He tries to get really low. He's like, you know, sometimes you got to let those people that you love go. I'm so often, you know, fatty fat. John Panetta had a that was his hobby.

Starting point is 00:55:33 Am I just going to be a body mass index? Well, anyway, we were outside and we were talking. You were a little upset and and I was just like, yeah, you know, and I try and then right behind me is was your guy. And I was like, OK, and I went, thanks for doing my podcast. And then I walked into the alley by the end. I just kept walking and I was like, I literally. So I was like, oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:56:02 I was like, that was so awkward because I was literally going like, this isn't normal. You know, I literally said to you, I went, I'm going to tell you what people told me when I was in kind of a tumultuous relationship. This isn't normal. Cut to him being right there. And I was like, well, have a good day. And then I literally walked down the walk down the alley. And I started going, Jesus Christ. I started doing that. And one of the security guards that's like the line guy at the cellar in the alley was like,

Starting point is 00:56:28 and I had a water in my hand. He was like, he's like, that water's pretty harsh. Huh? And I'm like, huh? Oh no, hey. Cause I literally. What? Why were you getting so?

Starting point is 00:56:38 Cause it was so awkward. What do you mean? He just walked up and you walked away. You did a great job. You mean cause it was so obvious that we were. Yeah, that I was like, fuck that guy. Yeah, take it easy. You weren't really. No, I wasn't saying fuck.

Starting point is 00:56:50 You were more saying fuck you. You were more being like, well, you're. I was just telling you what people would tell me. Yeah, I go, this is, you know, unhappiness is. OK, she farted again. Jordan, I haven't smelled a single coyote. Get over here. Get over here. Yeah, get over here smelled a single coyote. Get over here. Get over here.

Starting point is 00:57:05 Get over here. Sit here. You know, the fucking stink. But I think I do kind of stink. Why do you? I'm sorry. I smell like shit. I'm sorry. You got me. How do you smell? Yeah, I come to Ian's house smelling like shit.

Starting point is 00:57:44 Jig is up. Yeah. Yeah, I come to Ian's house smelling like shit. I just always smell like a fucking ashtray's pussy. I figured this is a fine career because it's media. So it's not like I work in sales or anything. What was the point of me? All the chaos. You just throw a fishing line out to reel his phone back in. It was like the most gentle. And he didn't even react. He was just like, sorry.

Starting point is 00:58:26 That's a million times. Like he knew the best. Put your phone away. Yup. You're right. The fish line went out. Oh. No. Dun, dun, dun. This is so hot. I'm going to go get some water.

Starting point is 00:58:42 I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go get some water. Fish line went out. No. This is so hot. It's like geek bar. This is humongous. Yeah, it's pretty cute this thing. Under your boob. I'm starving.

Starting point is 00:59:00 BMI. Meal my BMI. I hit this. I'm going. BMI. Me oh my BMI. Can I have a hit? Nope. Please. No you can't do cigarettes and vape. You can only do one or the other. You're not the boss of me. Look it tells you how much life it.

Starting point is 00:59:10 We had somebody on the podcast. Who was it? You're not the boss. That tasted good. Oh yeah totally. But this is mine and I am the boss of it. Wow. Rude.

Starting point is 00:59:19 That was awesome. I'm going to go ahead and do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to, totally. But this is mine and I get I am the boss of it. Wow. Rude. That was awesome. Yeah, that was a good parent line.

Starting point is 00:59:31 That felt good, too. Yeah. You should hit that sometime. You should try to get her to make it. Can I hit? Can I hit? What's your balls out of your hand? Can I hit? No, no? Put your balls out of your hand. Can I hit?

Starting point is 00:59:47 No. No, it's bad for you. You shouldn't do all that stuff. Yeah, you can't do both. I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want. All right. Well, then go purchase yourself one.

Starting point is 00:59:55 No. Mr. Man. Mr. Grown Man. Be a man. Wait, so what happened when you went to Amsterdam? What do you mean? Prostitutes everywhere? I heard there's cocaine you just buy what happened when you went to Amsterdam? What do you mean? Prostitutes everywhere?

Starting point is 01:00:06 I heard there's cocaine you just buy now. Can you just get cocaine in the stores? Mom, there's just menus. Yeah, there's like menus. My friend said she went and there was not. There's different kinds of cocaine. There's not cocaine menus in stores. I heard there's rooms you can go, you pay 20 euro and they rape and beat you to death.

Starting point is 01:00:20 Yeah. They don't have cocaine menus. I think so. There's a couple like storefronts where they have, you know, women in the windows. Were they like hot women, too? Or they like prostitutes? They're like strip club hot. I like strip club hot.

Starting point is 01:00:34 Strip club hot can be hot, though. It is a little sad, though, you know, you're like they're dancing. The women are on display, like like like they're build out. You know, how much is that? Oh, I always imagine that they'd be hotter than strip girl hot because they were Amsterdam and it's illegal. like, like they're out. How much is that? I always imagine that they'd be hotter than strip girl hot because they were Amsterdam and it's illegal. They were like, they are. They like it's still kind of they were all we have kind of a bummer poor ideas

Starting point is 01:00:55 of what Amsterdam is. We imagine that hot Swedish girls and like little yeah, in like little Fenters game. You're all. Helga and. It's weird to see a woman in like a storefront and she just like, if you want to fuck her, she just closes the curtain and you know, you fuck her in that storefront.

Starting point is 01:01:14 In that storefront. No, you don't. Yeah. There's not cocaine on menus. They just shut that. I think so. Or there's maybe like a back room or something. Is there a bed? Or is it just? I would imagine. Yeah, I would imagine.

Starting point is 01:01:29 But isn't that is it considered cheating to go to Amsterdam and get a hooker? I guess that's the way it should be in a dangerous place or having some sort of. Would you get a rub and tug in a relationship? No, probably not. No, I wouldn't. Now, I got a rub and tug. It made me feel really bad. Did it? Imagine getting addicted to them and doing them- She didn't fall in love with you.

Starting point is 01:01:46 She didn't fall in love with you. No, no! Get away! Imagine begging like a little baby for a grown man to give you a rug and a tug even though he's American and it's an expensive spa. That's too many things to do. I don't beg grown men. Imagine begging on your hands. Imagine. Imagine.

Starting point is 01:02:08 Imagine, if you will. That's what that song was about. That's Ian at his doctor's office. Please. I already don't have my bandana. Imagine there's no condoms. What was that voice? That's John Lennon.

Starting point is 01:02:23 John Lennon, oh, okay. It's not like Tony Soprano. That's by John Lennon. Oh, okay. It's not like Tony Soprano. Do Tony Soprano singing Imagine with Con. Imagine there's no people. Imagine there's no rat fucks. How do you do the edge? It's easy if you try. Easy if you try.

Starting point is 01:02:42 That's pretty good. I mean you're on your way there., if you try. That's pretty good. That's pretty good, I mean you're on your way there. Gigi, if you try. Yeah, but you do a good Carmella. Tony. Yeah, that's really good. Now make her say something other than Tony. Tony.

Starting point is 01:02:54 Yeah. Fuck you, Tony. For the past year and a half, I have been visualizing Blow and Furio. Furio. Furio. Yeah, but she never said his name mad. It was always longingly. No, Furio Furio Furio. Yeah, but she never said his name mad It was always longingly. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm upset. I can also do a Marge Simpson

Starting point is 01:03:19 Who that actress just died yesterday? No, she didn't mm-hmm who the woman that does the woman that does March Julie Carr, right? No, that's your thing. You're Nancy Carr white. Nancy. You guys Bart. That's such a shame. That woman doesn't even get to retire. She just has to play Marge Simpson. So she did 35 years till she died. Get out. The woman that does Marge Simpson's voice died. So does that mean Marge is going to die? No, they'll just get another person.

Starting point is 01:03:35 You asked so fucking hell. Hand up your agents. Yeah. Homer. It's not bad. You sound like the first season, Marge. When she was a little more. Homer, there's a lot of immigrants. When she was a little more good. Oh, but there's a lot of immigrants.

Starting point is 01:03:45 When she was a little bit more goodly. Coming to Springfield. Oh, homie. Homie, London doesn't even look like London anymore. They need to close the border. Homie. Homie, 20 years ago, the native population of Britain was 96%. Now it's 32%. Homie. Oh, me 20 years ago, the native population. You get on this 96 percent.

Starting point is 01:04:05 Now it's 32. Oh, me. Man, she can't even enjoy a couple of years. Not working, not because she was starting to like really sound like shit. Are you what's her name? Really? Julie Kavener. I saw it on Kavener. Look it up. She was. Did it happen? Yeah, she was. It didn't sound great.

Starting point is 01:04:23 She's probably in her 70s late 70s I saw it on like a news thing on Instagram. So who knows they're always lying We need to kill the whole cast of that show. Yeah, so they stopped doing it They tried to get fucking Hank Azaria, yeah, they tried the racist yeah You better not miss. Harry kind of. Harry kind of. Harry, but not one to do.

Starting point is 01:04:51 Dude, there is a thing I listen to on Instagram called One Pound Fish that I won't find fish. One time, my ladies, come on, ladies. What about fish? Come on, ladies. Come on, come on ladies what bad you know what you know what what bad? Is have a have a look one bad fish very very good one bad fish. I know who also is obsessed with that later Obsessed really yeah sent me that he probably got it for me in the middle of a body about it and send non-stop really weird He probably got it for me in the middle of a fight. Because I've been posting about it. Nonstop. Really?

Starting point is 01:05:25 Weird. Look. That's hilarious. One pound. It's not true? Ah! There you go. Not true.

Starting point is 01:05:33 I made it up. What? She's still alive. Dude, that is so many things we've said today that are not true. There's no cocaine menus in Amsterdam. She's still alive. And it is a one pound fish. Very, very good.

Starting point is 01:05:48 No, they're not. Yes. My friend said it today that there are cocaine menus. Our friend just said that Julie Cavsdner is dead. And she said that there was a QR code that went to a playlist for each different type of coke. I'm sure you can get one pound fish. Hello, mama.

Starting point is 01:06:02 Hello, papa. One by one. Oh, God. Oh Ethan says no play why cuz we're gonna get D taken down Or Ethan just doesn't want to hear one pound fish. Do an act out of John Marco. No, it's some Indian guy selling fish in the market. You just slam your foot up on the table and like, yeah, yeah, that's good. One Bound Fish Daily. One Bound Fish. What is this?

Starting point is 01:06:41 It's like a viral video that actually went viral like 15 years ago. And Ian just found it. Oh, yeah. I did not. Ian's like, have you heard of Charlie bit my finger? It's a little kids. Ian's like, guys, guys, damn, Daniel. Damn, Daniel.

Starting point is 01:07:01 What? Hey, do me a favor, cash me outside. How about that? These nuts! What the? Who are you doing? Which one? Why is it the damn Daniel? Yeah, who's damn Daniel?

Starting point is 01:07:18 You don't know damn Daniel? Damn Daniel, back at it again. Back at it again with three bucks. Back at it again with the dirt on your knee Daniel back at it again with getting a load inside you and having your dog looking off your couch that everybody goes Again with a jelly donut pussy No, it's more like a the Claire Yeah, yeah No, it was more like a the Claire Doubters like in your face of their pussy. Yeah. Yeah

Starting point is 01:07:58 Come on ladies, come on ladies one pound me. Did you at least wash? I'm getting a new couch. I am That doesn't mean you're getting a new couch. Why did I just ask you about the suede? That doesn't mean you're getting a new couch. Thank you very much. Your Honor. Your Honor, she brings up a good point. We're going to need to take a recess. Look, if you pull up my recent searches. Your Honor, we're going to have to take a recess. Reupholster a couch.

Starting point is 01:08:16 I was trying to see if I could do it myself. Cut to the judge and lawyers being like, doing like. That's what recess was. Your Honor, can we take a recess? Sure. Nodgeball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what recess was in your honor. Can we take a recess? Sure dodgeball No, do you know any double-dutch double-dutch what is it? Yeah, they go Come on lady come on lady Come on lady come on lady One Bound Fish

Starting point is 01:08:44 No, no Go over head Dogs like that they like getting aggressively touched Yeah they do They like when they go One Bound Fish She likes Fight him Oh what is your pussy taste like

Starting point is 01:09:00 Stop Tastes like nickels Eww One nickel I'd like to get back It tastes like hell. Stop. It tastes like nickels. Ew. Oh, God. It's one nickel. I'd like to get back. Look at this photograph. Anyway, so how long were you in Amsterdam? Like two days.

Starting point is 01:09:16 Two days? Yeah. How were those shows? They were all right. Is it hard to like, you know, the language barrier? No. Oh. But they... Yeah, but there, the language barrier. No. Oh, but they some.

Starting point is 01:09:27 Yeah, but there's like a cultural difference, too. It's not just like it's not really what they understand. One pound fish. Have they watched any like your humor like the few cities did? Yeah. Madrid was probably the best. And then I asked which cities did and translate to. Well, Amsterdam was they were like kind of weird. They just kind of sat there.

Starting point is 01:09:46 Now, yeah, yeah, they just kind of sat there. Do you play Berlin? I played Berlin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to do. I loved it. Berlin was awesome city. Yeah, the show was good. I've never been to Berlin. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, it's funny to think how they went from like Hitler to whatever they're doing now.

Starting point is 01:10:02 Yeah, you know, Hitler, the new Berlin. Yeah. I'm a button. Right. It's all the sex now. Yeah. You know? Hitler to him. The new Berlin. Yeah. Or it's all the sex leather. Yeah. Red leather, yellow leather. It's so like not Hitler. Let's try that again.

Starting point is 01:10:12 Ready? Red leather, yellow leather. Yeah, because everybody wants to hear that. Red leather, red leather. Yep. Do Topeka Bodega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega.

Starting point is 01:10:20 Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka dobega. Topeka Bodega, Topeka bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega, Topica bodega I'm not Beetlejuice. Well, I don't need a tongue twister to make me say the N word. Just give me a bad car incident and I'm screaming it. Just give me a loud deli after school hours. Why after school hours?

Starting point is 01:10:58 Because that's when they're all out there. So funny. That's so funny. You both at the same time because that's been there, right? Yeah. You know, getting their You both at the same time, because that's been there, right? Yeah. You know, getting their sandwiches the ock-y way. You know what I do.

Starting point is 01:11:11 Somehow spending $27 at the bodega. Yeah, on a bacon, egg, and cheese. When you're 14 years old. Loading up on Hot Cheetos for breakfast. All right. Let's grab it. We're having too much fun. Let's pull it back.

Starting point is 01:11:22 Guys, come on. This is on YouTube. All right. Let's grab it. We're having too much fun. Let's pull it back. Guys, come on. This is on YouTube. I fruit those corn, sir, because that's what EBT Food Stamps pays for. We are laughing. Don't be rotting. I like all foods. Pretty much putting them in a perpetual cycle of health.

Starting point is 01:11:37 Well, Mr. Scrooge, most would rather die than live in there. Well, if they'd rather die, then they better do it and deplete the surplus population. You know that's from? It's from Muppet Christmas Carol. Scrooge from, yeah, all of those. Christmas Carol, it's a line from the Christmas Carol. Well, if they'd rather die, then they better do it

Starting point is 01:11:59 and deplete the surplus population. You are more of a Jim Carrey. I'm doing Jim Carrey though. Know what line I like from a movie? I wrote it down. Oh, what? What did you say? We are the music makers.

Starting point is 01:12:15 We are the dreamers of dreams. What movie? Mr. Holland's. Nightmare for Christmas. Mr. Holland's Penis. Get away from me, bitch. Get away from me, bitch. Get away from me, bitch. Get away from me, bitch. I'll fucking kick the whole thing. Mr. Hollins Mr. Hollins penis Why you can't get taste I can get Come on

Starting point is 01:12:47 Oh it tastes so good It does taste good. Come on have a look. Hello lady. Bitch have a I see what that hand's doing over there I will fucking kick You come on lady, i'm sure that kick isn't that but if this guy can't stand and come at the same time Let's take a step I Have not stood in in a while It looks like Jordan's couch. I thought it was somehow teasing you. It's one pound fish. I'm a dog. That sucks dude.

Starting point is 01:13:56 Oh my god. You look like you just got out of the pool. Am I wet on my ass? Come on ladies. That is so funny. Oh there it is. Oh thank you. You really go like you just got out of the pool. Yeah, am I wet on my clothes ladies? So there it is. Oh We got it cleaned out at least it's water Like it's like You guys should hire like a cleaning lady and then have the like do the podcast. Yeah cleaning

Starting point is 01:14:19 We did that when the guy was installing the cable remember? And he was drilling and she was like, is he speaking Taiwanese? What was that guy speaking in clicks? We were like, no,. Get away from me. That's fair assessment of the situation. I if I get Tase, I would never. I mean, you might be too wet to get Tase now. Yeah, you might really hurt you. You might really hurt me. What?

Starting point is 01:15:00 You look really good. Thanks. Even though I'm all sweaty. Dog is eating hair. What can I say? We have actual evidence proof of where we all were a hundred episodes ago.

Starting point is 01:15:18 And we have all grown. What does that mean? Where was I? A hundred episodes almost two years ago. You were and you guys have been on the pot No, you guys have been on the podcast more than anyone else. I know but time so we have video evidence of our growing I mean as sure people comics humans doing podcast for ten years people saw me when I was a man Huh? What are you now? Transitioning I'm a question. I'm questioning

Starting point is 01:15:42 What are you now transitioning? I'm a question. I'm questioning. I'm trying to say that the question mark is the gayest out of all that the LGBTQ question mark question marks the gayest one because it goes like this. That's good. This guy, he just farted. No, I didn't. I'm trying to say it. I'm happy.

Starting point is 01:16:05 So two years ago, let's reflect, you know, pandemic. He was having a nervous breakdown. Me and Sagalow were eating salmon and each other's bodies. That was barely four years ago. That was four years ago. Well, what do you mean?

Starting point is 01:16:18 Twenty twenty. They didn't need anybody's body. Well, we were hanging out. You know, they banged, right? No, I didn't know that. Yeah. So what, you just fuck everyone except, except Mike Racine. I know.

Starting point is 01:16:32 Leaving the hand up for high five. Jesus. I know she throws it around everybody, but all of the Italians. Yeah, I feel like I earned it. You did earn it. You fucking earned it. Right place, wrong time. You put in a lot of work, like time.

Starting point is 01:16:50 I have video evidence of it right when it was happening. What are you talking about? Because you were playing guitar upstairs in one of the rooms. You were playing Stay Together for the Kids. And then you messed up. And I look over at Jordan with the camera and she goes, oh. Oh, when you got the ick? When you're like, ugh, nevermind. And then you messed up and I look over Jordan with the camera and she goes, oh, when you've got the egg, when you're like, nevermind.

Starting point is 01:17:10 Well, yeah, no, what did happen? No, I just got back to my ex. We had a huge hack, right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure there is. But you were a drunk. Yeah. Oh, you. But I stopped recently. Did you tell Ian that Ian was on the show the day after he did my podcast the day after I relapsed

Starting point is 01:17:25 I told him just because he drank doesn't mean great episode to experience or what he knew and you should be able to Yeah, but I also yeah, you're not an understanding person so I wasn't a drunk all the time and and towards the end I had stopped drinking. So yeah, I had a whiskey after not. Yeah fingerless gloves and lots of booze Yeah, Oh blacked out. Hey Tim. Yeah. Oh, blacked out. Hey, Tim McGoughlin's house blacked out. When you drink, you do turn into Big J. Blacked. Yeah. I'm like, you ever fuck a black guy?

Starting point is 01:17:54 No, but I did stop drinking. Then the and you were there. Remember, you were like, you're too drunk. And I was like, I'm never going to drink. Oh, that was it. That brewery in Queens. I remember that. Yeah. You were like, yeah. Yeah. You were like, God, yeah. You were like, God, I guess. Yeah. You were like, I would date him.

Starting point is 01:18:09 But he's such a mess. And then I quit drinking and that never happened. Mike drop. Bullet dodged. Oh, yeah. You imagine being a repeated cycle of hell with this one. So what do you just fuck every New York City? Not Mike Racine.

Starting point is 01:18:31 If you you've been in a relationship the whole time and I've had a crush on your wife since the minute I met her. But I fucked I fucked. Would you do a three way with them? I don't know. We're too good of friends. Yeah. Him and Dad. I don't know. We're too good of friends. Yeah

Starting point is 01:18:51 I'm not married Deb and I would just have sex and Jordan would just hang out Yeah, you can watch me fuck my wife for 20 seconds. Come on, ladies. Oh no. Who else? People only have sex with comics. It's impossible to fuck outside of the comedy queen.

Starting point is 01:19:14 I don't. You are a crab man. You're a bitch bitch bitch. You are a whore. Yeah, you, you, you. Yeah, it's different with you. You hire the people you fuck. I you, you, you. Yeah. Yeah, it's different with you. You hire the people you fuck. Yeah, you're a...

Starting point is 01:19:26 I'm a bachelor. No. Yeah. I guess you call it that, Ian. You have a batch of crabs. I'm a NSTD. I get tested every four to six months. You have a batch of slores, Clime.

Starting point is 01:19:34 I'm a nine-year dick. You have a batch of cocks in you. I have a card that says I don't have AIDS. You have a card that says you don't have AIDS? Yeah, because I get tested. Nice. Um. What is that?

Starting point is 01:19:42 The credit card you pay people off? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know says I don't have AIDS You have a card that says you don't have AIDS? Yeah, cuz I get tested nice Was that the credit card you pay people off with to get you have a card that you keep on you that says I've been Tested where's your card then? You whip out the fanny pack they go this guy definitely has a put in a fanny pack Believe it or not. I know I have a fanny pack, but I don't have AIDS. Oh Here's a paranormal investigator mark carbone. Let's call him Rochester. You should have him on the show

Starting point is 01:20:19 Yeah, that would be sick. Yeah, oh no his name's Vinny carbone actually That would be sick. Yeah. Oh, no, his name's Vinny Carbone, actually. Vinny's even better. He's an Italian. Uh-oh. Yeah, he's a ghost. Hey! He's like, I'm just trying to find me ma.

Starting point is 01:20:30 Do I have A? Me ma. Vinny Carbone, terrible. Was he a pirate? Terrible Italian pirate? Okay. Vinny Carbone, I'm a paranormal guy. You got ghosts and ghouls.

Starting point is 01:20:42 You got Aids, let me sniff you. I catch your ghosts and ghouls. You got a ghost and ghouls. Let me sniff you. I catch your ghosts and ghouls and stuff. It's very easy to not fuck comments. I don't know. Sure. I mean they're just, you know, they get it. Well I fucked a ran through comedy club waitress.

Starting point is 01:21:02 Just kidding. of a ran through comedy club waitress. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Oh, Deb. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She went to Caroline's, right? Caroline's. Yeah, I think she got the job. Come on, Ian. She applied like everyone else. She interviewed and had a was charming.

Starting point is 01:21:22 And they said you can wait tables here And she fucked John Panetta Everyone's laughing you fucking Fucked my wife. Well, he's dead now. Yep. RIP. I put him there. Was it Deb who saw Louis eating out of trash one time or something? A few staff members saw him. But I'll tell you a similar story. When I worked there... Eating out of the trash?

Starting point is 01:22:00 I drank a few drinks off the tables when they were cleaning up the shoes. That's different though. That's different. Yeah. You got to drink floaters. You got to drink floaters. Yeah, that's not rad on Louie. OK. I already told him. Oh, OK. Right to his face. I said somebody saw you eating out of the trash at Caroline. And he said, yeah, me. He goes, yeah, it was amazing.

Starting point is 01:22:17 It was amazing. Trash out of the trash can is amazing. Here's my Louis CK. Hey, I ate out of the garbage. I ate ice cream my Louis CK. Hey, I ate out of the garbage. I ate ice cream from the CK. I eat it out of the garbage. My. Luigi, it's a little off. The impressions are a little off tonight.

Starting point is 01:22:40 The impression machines broke. Just put a big out of order size hasn't been fixed. I need a six month checkup. The impression machines broke Years ago, but I got a foot is that and it's I got my burned off. It's not an STD It's a skin condition that you can get through sexual contact or you can get it through Touch it like that, but I got it frozen off that was in 2011 2012 But I always work on them. Have you done a CD aside from that? No, somebody called me and said you might have chlamydia, but I just took a thing Have you ever no? No, well, you've never gotten to us, but I had a wouldn't you find out eventually when you be like, oh my

Starting point is 01:23:32 You've killed six No, you got the Queen's rapist. I'm the Queen's rapist. But you would do, you know, that you should go test it. Why did you say the Queen's rapist? Because that would be his serial rapist name. But then I was like, no, it would be Queen rapist. Not a job.

Starting point is 01:24:00 No, I'm the Queen's rapist. Boy. Yeah. Oh, my majesty. What do I do? Honour. I came all the way from Workshire to rape the queen against her will. To rape the queen against her will. Where am I from? To have For you to say, like to have loving to force myself on the queen's to your lip quiver, you like to fray the queen. The pen is this.

Starting point is 01:24:35 All right. I can have a cigarette if he gets to eat more cookies. I mean, that's the same thing. All right. Let's wrap it up. Let's go same thing. It's so fun. We love you guys so much. Congratulations, you guys. Thank you. Oh, that's really cool. Huh? Yeah. This might be the worst.

Starting point is 01:24:55 I know this might have been our worst episode, though. How long is it? Why don't you guys tongue kiss a little less than two years? Should we kiss? Kiss really fast. Should we finger for the episode? Oh friend zone you Will get some of the friends Yeah, just give me a little friend. So now peck on the lips. You're yeah your friends. All right all right

Starting point is 01:25:18 I'm talking to your dog My dog that's that was what he was calling your pussy Somebody's got some good pussy. Someone got some suffering sucky ass pussy. You ever see that video? What? Of Jocelyn Chia being like, somebody's got some good pussy.

Starting point is 01:25:35 Oh, good pussy. I wanna hear Dan Soder say it. Somebody's got some good pussy. Okay, Dan's good at impressions, too. Plug. Yeah, plug it up. All right. My special I'm normal is on YouTube right now. And I'll be at the Spokane Comedy Club on June 27th in Spokane, Washington. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:57 Sag Daddy Dupod is on everything. Ian just did an episode. Jordan is doing an episode. You're still good for Thursday. Great. And then Racine will do it eventually. Right? doing an episode. You're still good for Thursday. Great. And then we'll see. We'll do it eventually. Right. Yeah. Cool. Of course. So check that out. Daddy pod. Check it out.

Starting point is 01:26:11 Say that. Yeah. Check it out. You did the theme song. It's so good. Thank you. And I have it. I did it. Yeah. I wrapped it. Yeah. Let's hear it. Sag daddy, the pod is on. You like pod kiss And I have a special coming out in August. What's it called? Thin lips fat boy thin lips. Oh

Starting point is 01:26:39 Your dog. I oh my god. It's like it's upsetting away from me. It's upsetting It is upsetting. Anyway, so that's it August 9th. I thin lips. You want a one? Thin lips is a good one. I'm normal is also good. Good name or good special? Good name. It is a good special. It's nice. And that's it for me.

Starting point is 01:26:55 Yeah. Move on. I am at, where am I? Just saying. Braya. I'm in Braya. Me too. When?

Starting point is 01:27:05 I sometimes. Addison, Dallas, Texas, Creek, Guinea. She's far. Bro. She is far. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. Jordan. I'm, I'm at a, come on, I'm coming to your town.

Starting point is 01:27:20 You know where I'm going to be. I'm going to be in Braia. I'm going to be in Timonium, which is a Magoobies. I'm going to be in Colorado again know where I'm going to be. I'm going to be in Brea. I'm going to be in Timonium, which is a Magoobies. I'm going to be in Colorado again, Fort Collins, Cleveland, Ohio, Sam Fran. I'm going to be in Austin, Columbus, Petersburg, Dayton, Ohio, Las Vegas for a slut fest, Batavia, Nashville,

Starting point is 01:27:39 Charlotte. And where can they find you? Punch up dot live slash Jordan Jordan dancing June 27th. I'm at Bray, California at the Bray Improv June 28th to 29th Oxnard, Levity Live July 9th headline, the Hollywood Improv Los Angeles. I was quiet during your I did Levity live in Oxnard last week. Do you like it? Yeah. No, it was a little rough.

Starting point is 01:28:04 Why? It's kind of a weird town. I'm sure you'll sell tickets, but no, I mean, I'm excited. Yeah. And you can get those tickets at punchup.live slash Ian. Shut the fuck up for a second. We're not even talking in the microphones. Can you hear it in the, they, they can hear it. He's saying they can hear it. All right. P. March Simpson. She did she really die. Punch up doc live slash Ian finance June 27th. Bray Improv Ray California Oxford Liberty Live July 9th. Hollywood Improv Los Angeles California. And then I'm going to Naples Florida Fort Collins Colorado Winnipeg, Cleveland, Columbus, Detroit, all over. Denver Comedy Works, PunchUp.live slash Ian Fidance, Patreon.com slash Ian Pods.

Starting point is 01:28:54 Thank you so much, guys. Hey, give us a hug. Oh, that's nice. A hundred episodes. To a hundred more. Yes. Anything you want to say? Yes. Check out our IP, Jordan Jensen.

Starting point is 01:29:10 Big argument coming soon was her micro scene. Anything else? This is what you sound like. Words. Do I. Thanks for too happy to be touching somebody. You do like a good chimpanzee Ready Anything you want to say for the hundredth episode Thank You Ethan Everybody give Ethan love.

Starting point is 01:29:48 Ethan Dupree. What's your Instagram? Oh my God. E Dupree. E Dupree. And, oh, E and Phi dance, wild, happy and free on YouTube, edited, produced by Ethan Dupree, directed by James Webb. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Starting point is 01:30:03 The wild, happy and free. I have to talk about it. That's all folks. Oh, the mic. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 100: Red Leather/Yellow Leather W/ Brendan Sagalow & Mike Recine

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