Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 101: Goo Boy & The Puker W/ Jeff Arcuri & Jeff Scheen

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being in Being in Life is shit, but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live alive Being in

Being in with jordan I mean i'll tell you what's going on. Give it to me. No, because I'm going to look at it. Yeah, that's what you need. You need an accountability. Ian, let me see. I don't want you to see my day in a work. Let me tell you if she likes you.

Well, you think I don't know you? How? Put the microphone up your mouth because we're recording. By making out and... nope. Why are you keeping it secret? By making out and being touchy and stuff. She might have been on Molly Let me see the text you're not reading my jacket girl on Molly. You look like a girl on

No What do you think what I said and what do you think she's gonna say? Texting and I think it needs me to tell him I am over texting you are More like you're answer asking a question and then she has an answer and you're asking her another question. And then I'm showing, sending the Homer Simpson meme of him melting into the water. That's good though. You know, self-awareness.

Yeah, yeah. Who's autistic now? I don't know why you look at me when you say that. Oh, you don't think that information works? And then when that doesn't work, I send a little black boy that goes, peace, and he disappears. Oh, that's fun. Yeah.

There's some self-awareness. I'm a fun guy. There's nothing worse than the fact that you're a black boy. I'm a black boy. I'm a black boy. I'm a black boy. I'm a that goes, peace, and he disappears. I'm a fun guy. There's nothing worse than the vibe of, well, I guess I'll go fuck myself. No, that's not the vibe. Yes, it is. It's a question.

I didn't say no, it's not. That's the question. Oh, you didn't get back to me. That that is appearing into the bush. No, yes, that's how you interpret it. The way I said it is, she would say, see you later. That disappearing into the bush thing? That's how you interpret it. The way I said it is, well, see you later. That's how I do it. You asked a question she didn't answer.

No, no, it wasn't a question. It was a proclamation of love. But is that who you are as a person in a relationship? Yes. Well, see you later. So you might as well put it out there early. I'm that guy. You know what?

I'm a boop. All right. I'm a firm believer in being who you are from the beginning. That's what I say that lie up No, you lie never a good never a cool guy with text. Yeah, like oh, well, I didn't even realize that Million followers you don't have to be cool anymore. You're a celebrity. That's not first of all You're basically a celebrity a Chinese boy stopped you for a picture Chinese boy. Just made us A Chinese boy stopped you for a picture. A Chinese boy just made you take a picture. And I that stopped me for a picture today, Mexican.

That's not good. He lives in Mexico. Yeah, we know that we have those people. Mexican fans? Spanish, we have a lot of Spanish fans. I know. Latino fans. It's cool. Really?

Yeah. Why? It's fucking sick. Because they're into hardcore and they're like fuck they got fucked up me Fucking crazy my guy And they're the only culture that can say be Another episode of Oh Coyote really chewed this. Yeah.

["Coyote's Theme from The Coyote's Theme"] Whoa! ["Coyote's Theme from The Coyote's Theme"] That's weird, your dog misbehaves. Welcome back to another episode of Being Ian with Jordan. She should play with Lucy. She could. Lucy would hate her though.

No, no, no dog hates her. Do you have a dog named Lucy? Uh-huh. I have Lucy tattooed on my foot. What did you have a dog? I have Lucy tattooed on my foot Well, you have Lucy tattooed on your leg on my foot What if I say everything I'm thinking right now? One let's hear it. Yeah, let's introduce a guest

What if I say everything I'm thinking right now? One. Let's hear it. Let's introduce the guests. Jeff Sheen, owner of Lucy. Oh, wow. This is a perfect. If you get a shot of this, this is who he is right here. Well, this is who you are.

I think I'm spread out. These are nice, dude. You're a queer one. My mom's obsessed with those. I might get a pair. Cloud shoes. I hear they're the best in the world. She's so comfortable. She's like, Jordan, you my goddamn perennium on the bottom of my booty.

But I got the money. The perennium is an area between whatever it's called, the butthole and the vagina. Is that what that's called? Yeah. The perennium thought it was scientifically the gooch, the taint. Oh, I call it gum because I chew it. the gooch the taint. Oh, I call it gum because I chew it. Because I pick it off the table because it taint an asshole and it taint the vagina. Because it taint pussy and it taint ass. This is what my mom told me in sixth grade on Long Beach Island when I asked her what the taint was.

Yeah, I think she didn't show you. Yeah, we also have Jeff or Curie here everybody. Okay, here you go. Yeah, we also have Jeff or Curie here everybody John Kennedy was hanging out with you the other day and was like Ian is the craziest person I've ever talked to It is crazy that you're still alive. Yeah, how much longer do you think you got a couple minutes? I was telling him so of my old fighting tales He was getting a kick out of it He's fun. I had fun hanging out with him Yeah, he's good. John Henry?

Yeah, he's moving to Austin like a faggot Oh, why? Why? He wants to Oh, there's a difference between want to and is He's gonna, they're all gonna do it No he's not. Who's going there? Tyler went, Tyler Fisher abandoned us well that makes sense

Yeah, he just was unrogued. I know Crazy Tyler moving to Austin makes sense, but John Kennedy doesn't They're all gonna move there all those little guys Ever we all little small guys yeah little small guys are going so I'm not gonna go cuz I'm super tall No, you're more slender than anything. No, I'm your New York City slender man. You can't leave I go hello Austin I'm here Always looks new. Yes fresh. I keep touching your signs. Yeah, can you not put your gangly arms everywhere? I can't help it. You may be controlling a normal human and not a big guy in lobsters ink.

Listen, listen. It's the tips. The only tip. Oh, he doesn't have dry hands. I'll tell you that, Mike. Yeah, why are you such a goo boy? Yeah, why are you so clammy all the time? How do you know they're always wet?

My hands are always wet. I can see from over here that you're just a gooey, gooey boy. Yeah, they're always wet. I don't think you here that you're just a gooey gooey boy. They're always wet. I don't think you have any bones. Yeah, I got bones. Can you shut your lips ever? No.

That boy got goo for bones. Bitch. You are straight out of the show, Doug. Doug? Yeah. Like which one? Doug funny. Oh, you know what's funny? My nickname and Doug was also funny.

Roger Klotz? Yeah, hilarious. Skeeter. My nickname was Skeeter. Really? Well, like because of all the cum. Four kids tried to get it going. Why?

Because when you'd come around everybody would try to skeet skeet away. What is that? Answer him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they'd get on their scooters. He's here. Skeet, skeet skeet away. Answer him. Yeah, they get on their scooters. Come on, he's here. Skeet, skeet.

Skeet, skeet, skeet. Doesn't skeet skeet mean all skeet skeet, motherfuckers? I was going to say. All skeet skeet. Yeah, they would skeet on me. Cause you make all your friends come. Yeah, they would. Here comes Jeff.

Ian coming in hot with the like, is that cause all your friends and every listener all of us in here Like here comes the come joke and he's like run away. It never did I thought he was going come with yeah, we all thought he's the quality ball thing. Yeah, thank you Yeah, I I am a Rubik's Cube. I'm hard to solve unless you're autistic And you can figure me out I watched her YouTube video or two I could figure you out I've been pretending the whole time that your hands are on each other's for some reason. Did I ever tell you this story? Listen to this. I remember once we came here for like a New York...

What was it? Steve Hofstadter? The festival they did here. The Laughing Skull Festival. Laughing Devil? Take me there. We did the Laughing Devil Festival. Me and like a few other comics from Chicago got in and he jumped in with us. We all drove here Even though he wasn't welcome. No, no, I asked him to come. He wasn't part of I was like We get here You remember this what I forgot I remember one time at your beauty bar show on Sundays, you and Tim McLaughlin were bullying you. Oh my God. I remember that too. That was one of the hardest times I've ever laughed.

You and Tim gang up on her. And you were going just stop guys. I remember that too. I think I was there. It happened every week. You and Tim and the Karmic, the Karmic retribution that Jeff Arcuri just skyrocketed. Well, you guys just stayed in your committed relationships. Quit. And then I'm trying to impress these women. You guys were.

There was never any women at our show. I'm trying to impress him. No, no, no. That's not what I sound like. No, but you were, you were, you were always hopeful that a woman you met was going to show up. Yeah, they did sometimes. Everyone had sex in that bathroom except me.

In one night, they all had sex in the same bathroom. Really? You? Yeah, he had sex with somebody. Oh yeah. Thou that who shall not be named. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was bald. Steve Hofstadter. It was Steve Hofstadter. I was trying to get into the festival. Somebody oh yeah now that who shall not be named Here's like so do you come in me all the time

Well you guys would gang up on me quick Jeff does that to people and now your employee I'm in charge of the Union Are you 1099? I got bad signed up. We're unionizing who started that separate group chat. That's what I want to know Yeah, how fucked up is that? I initially was like huh Matt told me about he's about we have one for like figuring out hotels that we're getting and stuff Like that and I was like I bet you in my head she was like I need to have control of these boys Who do you have in the separate group chat? Let's see who the other guys that opened.

Seth is my, not mine, he's the host and he also is the videographer. And then I have Matt and Jeff for theaters. I just bring them both for those. And so they're figuring out when to stay together, where to go and all that stuff. And they made a separate group chat without Daddy. I didn't ask him yet, but I knew he did. You're a group chat fucker. I know that ask him yet, but I knew he did. Wow. What?

You're a bad guy. We're talking like employees. We can't have the boss in there. It is true. I hope one day to have a group chat. With you. God damn it. I knew it.

I knew it. I had a feeling. But I remember when we first came here, oh no, the first time I came here, like to visit for shows, we all drove here. We go, he was supposed to stay with Nate or Brad or somebody. Oh, Brad Austin. Brad Austin. And he goes, like that night. Very funny comic. Now lives in Australia.

Yeah. We get to, actually it was Beauty Bar. We went to Beauty Bar to hang out. And he goes, oh, by the way, you can't stay with me. Remember? Oh yeah. And I was like, what? Yeah. You're like, I have nowhere to go. So I told him, I go, listen. No, I didn't ask him. I was going to ask him there on the spot or something like that. Oh yeah. You would. I think I really botched it. And I was staying with my dad's uncle.

So he was like 70 then. And it was my dad's uncle in Queens. And so we get there first to drop the car off and then we're taking the train into the city. And I remember my dad's uncle is old school. Like, and I mean that by, when I say old school, I mean like racist and homophobic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He like, the first thing I had like a side satchel, I get out of my car and I'm like, hey, Uncle Joe, and he goes, nice fag bag. Nice. And I He like, he, the first thing I had like a side satchel, I get out of my car and I'm like, Hey, Uncle Joe. And he goes, nice fag bag. Nice. And I was like, wow. He just yelled at me across. I wanna fuck Joe.

Yeah. And then he's dead. And then he, uh. Won't stop her. Won't stop her. Was just very like, he took us to Coney Island. That was, I think that was pretty, that was pretty gay. Coney Island? Yeah.

It was great. What's so gay about that? I love Coney Island. That was the best day of my life. He has a giant lollipop. Yeah. He bought us hot dogs. He did. And then he was, he asked him about the price. No About the price when did the price of these go up so high good Yeah, so old school. Oh my god, you're Italian. Yeah, our curie crazy I remember I got trying to hold your hand

So he knew I was like, listen, it's my dad's uncle. They're very like old school It's just a noise of a smear. Shut up. Oh. Oh, my name's Jeff. Jeff wipe. What the fuck? My name is Jeff. Yeah.

I'm Jeff. It's German, okay? It's more like germ, Jerriot. Ah, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Let me sit over there. No. German okay it's more like germ We know your mom never left you. She's in your bosom right now. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't let her leave my sight. So he knew my uncle was homophobic and then he so the whole time that within minutes of meeting him, he goes, he started, I'm gonna switch back. He goes, I prefer.

The whole time in front of my uncle, he would just like, while we're sitting down, he'd just be like, hold my hand. He'd like try and hold my hand in front of my uncle. Good for you. Yeah, I like that. Oh, you did that? Yeah, he started trying. Yes, yes.

Subverting homophobia, I love it. We're on a team. I love it. You're back in the club. I constantly do that. And then my uncle took us to Coney Island. Thank you. And then, oh God.

When he took us, there was gonna be. There was no weight to your hand as it landed. That was a wet handprint here as soon as you lifted it up. That was crazy. You look like you leave ectoplasm wherever you go. You're close. You are close. And then what else happened? We did, we went to Coney Island, we did that. And then? It was a nice time, you put a cockroach in my shoe, I thought. Okay, yeah, that was pretty funny. I thought.

So you're at my uncle's place. It was a clean place. Turned out it was a log of shit. Yeah, you just shit in it. Wait, what do you mean you put a cockroach in your shoe? No, no, let me tell you, let me tell you. What, are you a bully in the 50s? Yeah, yeah, no, let me tell you, let me tell you something. What are you, a bully in the 50s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty genius. I was actually very proud of myself.

You know those big ones, the outside cockroaches? Yeah. We were in his, my uncle's thing, we like worked it out so my uncle was like, you can stay with us. He stayed on the couch, I stayed on an air mattress. And there was like a big cockroach, like this big, that ran across the room. And fucking, first time we saw that, it was so freaky, It was so big shelled You know so I knew he was like shell And so the next day we're getting ready to go leave and I saw he was in the shower I didn't see I just he was in the shower and

I decided I took one of those bodega bags and I ripped the handle off and tied it into a bunch of knots I decided I took one of those bodega bags and I ripped the handle off and tied it into a bunch of knots Plastic and I threw it into the front of his shoe And then I was like as he's putting his shoe on I just as he puts a shoe on I just go cockroach Uncle's house and it was the hardest I've laughed in so long because I didn't even it wasn't even a creative. I said Yeah, don't don't I would never Jeff your tattoos upside down. You know that most not it is upside down No, it's it's supposed to face toward you in no world That goes out. No, no, it's supposed to be bigger. The heart is supposed to be facing downward Oh, yeah, who would see it at the nope doesn't help. It can really go either way

Yeah, but it is It is tiny are you getting more I want you we talked about it with Simpsons one. Oh, yeah, that's moth. That's moth It was a good it was funny The girl that did it was like her first year of doing tattoos and she told me halfway through and I got the Simpsons one. Oh yeah, that's Moth. That's Moth. It was funny, the girl that did it was like her first year of doing tattoos. And she told me halfway through and I refused to look at it until she was done, because I'm like, I don't wanna

nightmare. She did a good job. She actually is not bad at all. My favorite tattoo that exists in this world is on, that I would say to anybody in the world is on. Oh, is it mine? That disgusting man over there. It's my one tattoo.

Show us, disgusting man. Oh, have you seen it? This is my favorite tattoo to ever exist That's me it's my name It's really good my dad's my dad's got Mike so I got Jeff and his name's Mike he's Mike why did he You say he panicked he said he panicked when it was his turn to get a tattoo or something, you know There's time. Yeah Europe he panicked you didn't panic at all. You thought about it for years. Yeah

So yeah, he's Mike and it for years. That's right. So yeah, he's Mike and I'm Jeff. That's amazing. We'll have children who do the same thing. Are you gonna, are you engaged? Oh yeah, I knew you were engaged. Yeah, I'm engaged. Wait, is she pregnant?

No. Were you saying something on stage? What? We're talking about it? We're talking about it. On stage, you were saying something about children? Yeah, we're talking about., we're talking about it on stage. You were saying something about children. Yeah, we're talking about are you bone loads in there? No, she was been discussed taking the IUD out and just going in.

I you still in there, but you know, it might be coming out at some point. And then I'm just going to, you know, ectoplasm. Yeah. What are you just going to give her a pussy handshake? Yeah, yeah. What are you just gonna give her a pussy handshake and get her pregnant? With your clam con? Yeah, yeah. I just lay on top of her and impregnate her through sweat. That's how I reproduce.

Like some sort of frog or something. For those of you who don't know, it's a weird history of this friend group. Because what happened was we were all a bit of a... There was like a crew, right? It was all like me, you, Jack, Chloe. Right. Are you talking like a few years ago? Yeah. All right. You want to go there? And then it would go there.

And then, oh, yeah. Yeah. He doesn't want to. Can you tell? Oh, no, no, I'll go. Go there. This is interesting. And then Jeff R. Curie, Jeff R. Curie is gone all the time. And we're like, where is that guy? He comes back now and then.

There was one night that I took mushrooms. Remember the night that I took mushrooms and you and Sagalow would not stop doing magic tricks? Was that me? Sounds like you. You were doing some weird magic tricks. Wait, was this at Caitlin's house? No, this was on the roof.

Cause I remember I came one night for like, we had like a bonfire in the backyard. There was a night, no, that happened all the time. You're only invited to one though. You're older than us. You're an old, old, old man. Yeah, I always vetoed you. And then-

Take your retainer out. And then- Oh, is that what that is? Yeah, right? I love it. You sound like he looks. Yeah. I wear a retainer when I go to sleep.

And that's not a bad thing at all. It's pretty gross. Um, yeah. And then. That's how clean it is. It's not. And then what happened was, our Curie would be gone all the time, always in some love fucked up thing, heartbroken, sad. Gone. That was what you mean, like cruise?

Cruise, ships, always gone, coming back, you know? Yeah, but love. Which we bonded over. And then and then Ron on Reckon for the Seller as a host and was like, this guy would be a great host. Then he gets into the Seller, changes my life, changes his life, begets five spots a night.

All of us are like, what the fuck? Turns out you had insane chops from the cruise ship. Yeah, getting because we were all like, dude, this guy's wasting his life. He's a good guy. But the cruise ships are not where it's at. Chops. And now- He made fun of me a lot for cruise ships, and now he doesn't.

And now you're the biggest- How come it's not making me better? What's happening to me? I got talent on your shirt. You gotta do jokes like, I slipped in the shower, landed in my bed, the cruise ship's so small. Wanna hear some of my boat jokes? Yes.

I got my one boat joke is, I go with old people, and when it's really rocky seas, I go, this is a good night for you guys to fuck. You just lay on top of each other, let the waves do the work. Oh no. Oh no. Oh yeah.

Oh no. Do you do your weird point thing? You point weird on stage. Yeah, point where? Yeah, you go like this. What? You point weird on stage. Yeah, point weird. Yeah, you go like this. What? He goes like this. It's in the first 30 seconds of his special.

He's like, yeah, anybody else? We're certainly not going to watch that. But it's a point. What is your special called? All of it. Jeff. Because it's all of it. It's all of your material that you've ever done?

Uh-huh. Really? Pretty much. It's just, oh you said it. Does the burp stay in the retainer? No, it came out. Why are you wearing the water built up in it? Why are you wearing the retainer right now? There's a gap and it fills with your saliva. I know the gap has to close. The gap is a problem. Can you take it out? I can't stop looking at it. I'm sorry, I can't. I have to keep it in for 22 hours a day now. And it's on the bottom too. This Invisalign?

Good for you. Oh, good for you. Good for you. Yeah. You deserve a nice smile. I was grinding my teeth and this was going up into my face and hurting. So they were fixing it. I grind. You grind?

Mm-hmm. I got a thick ass mouth guard. Really? Oh my God. I've seen it. You're a poor fiance. I wish you said, I grind. I got a thick ass mouth guard. Really? Oh my God. I've seen it. You're a poor fan. I wish you said, I grind. I got a thick ass. You snore.

I do, I found out I snore. I'm grinding the ear. That's brutal. I know, it's brutal. I think that's why the girl I dated last time broke up with me. We slept together once and that was good. That was good. That was great.

It was great, it was good. It was all right. She said you snore? Everybody liked the sound. The best is, what? I was all right. You said you snore everybody like The best is what you snore I found out I snore Chelsea said I snore the other day and pissed me off Yeah, I looked it up you both have allergies and that's why you're snoring for the allergies though Yeah, but you must what you're snoring out of nowhere. I when you take a sleep test. You might be a redneck. When you take a sleep test. You have to be, you have to go in person and you don't need one.

We know that you snore and we know that you become a Jewish. What? Every, when you talk in your sleep, you're like, is the money here yet? What? We have recordings of him sleeping and he goes, asking about money. How did those people get in here? And then his girlfriend's like, I don't know and he goes well did they pay

Do you do the voice No, I know We recorded us a couple times and Here the sleep to hear the sleep and then recorded us having sex. We played it for Jordan on a car ride. And so it was fun. Oh, I just had a recording of me having sex.

Really? Why? Oh, this is good. We've already talked about that. I yeah, she had we had sex. Who? Me and Katie. Oh, geez. You named her like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Katie Batchelor, the one with the dildo. You know her. Whoa. Death named her. Wait, she was on The Bachelor? She was The Bachelorette, yeah. And she's a dildo? She wasn't The Bachelorette.

She was in 2020. No, she was not. She was. Oh, she was. She was on The Bachelor, didn't win, but then they gave her her own season. Who was her bachelor? I forgot his name.

Pilot Pete? No. If I type in Katie Bachelor, will I find her? Yeah. She's so cute. She's the cutest in the world. You don't know the guy's name? The guy that she was engaged to?

Yeah. Bachelorette? Hold on, she won the Bachelorette? She was on the Bachelorette, didn't win, but then got her own season because she's the fucking best. And then she got her own season? Is this her? Yeah. Wait, Dildo got their own season because she's the fucking best and then she she cut her own. Is this her? Yeah Wait, dildo got their own season. Okay, Katie. You said her name already. Why don't you go back? Call that retainer wait I'm here for the rose.

I was just thinking that we would have a really good time together. I'm very good at kissing. And that it's just Sheena's the bachelor? No. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not.

Just meet a bunch of them. Get her out. Get her out. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. Just meet a bunch of get her out, get her out. And then they cut to I'm kissing the cameraman. So get out here. You get all excited because the driver of a limo is a man. You're like, now this one I could get into.

I think I'm going to need a couple more roses. Wait, it's the first season that they switched just to guys. Wait, can you look up who Katie's bachelor was? Who the guy who her fiance was? Yeah, you should know his name. She, why? Because you should tell her every night you want to beat him up. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Did she say it was all scripted? Am I better than Steve? She did like let in that it was like guided for sure. Like it was a lot of guiding and apparently she got... Groomed? I didn't see any of it. I didn't see any of it.

I didn't even know she was a bachelor. We started talking and I didn't find out till like we were talking for a minute. Really? What do you mean guided? Like they'll be like, hey, I think you should be really upset with this person because of this. And then they act that way? I think so.

What vapid idiot. I miss understanding it, but I also never got into that. I think they each have like a person that's kind of like, you know, yeah, would help your character arc. Yeah. If you did this, you just get closer to me. That's why I just show up at venues and I'm like, did I ask you to be here? Anyone looking for a host? So they guided her to do all these terrible things? Terrible things?

So people were guiding her to date you? No, not me. No one would advise that. What happened with the guy she was engaged to? They broke up. Why? Because someone on the production team told her to. Shut up. Did she really think they were going gonna get married or was it all a hearth?

I think that was real in the engagement was real really on the show started dating another guy from the show I think She's an amateur stand-up No She's what she's not it's. No. She's, what? She's not, it's not rough. It's so rough. She's newer to stand up. She started doing stand up a little bit. She took advantage of her following and then did some shows where she hosted,

I think, and then she brought comics to do most of the time. And then she like would host and come on in between. And like. Is she pursuing it? She hasn't done it in months. So then no. Yeah, that's good. Cause she's not out grinding every night.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think she has like the passion that we all have for it in that sense, but she's doing like, she's podcasting. She's doing a whole bunch of stuff. She's not, she's not going to take any of my time, is she? No. No, I've offered it to her.

You gonna wreck her at the seller when she asks? No. I mean, I will if she, Papa get a wrecker at the cellar when she asked? No. She's very self-aware. If she was in here right now, she'd be like, I know. She's not like, no, I'm good. I'm really good at this. She's new or do it. Just like we were at two years in or a year in.

She sounds very sweet. She's the sweetest girl in the world. I'm just laughing so hard. Just him on a cruise ship, crying, waving, and you and Katie like holding a golden microphone in the air as your little cruise ship face gets smaller and smaller. Cause you chose her over him. That was gonna happen? Yeah, she wants to. She's been coming to venues. She told me she doesn't like him. Yeah, right. Why?

Dude, we're in the green room. That's when I knew I loved her. Whatever. Three months. Can we hang out? I'm sad and lonely. You know why? She doesn't know. That's before. That's before. And I don't say that. Can we hang out? This is the hardest one I swear the hardest one. You just made me dab. You're trying to not spit my coffee.

You don't even know what love is. You both have been weird relationships. He was with a girl with the same last name. I remember one time talking to you because we lived in the same apartment building and at the bottom of the stairs me bringing up cheating and then you just going on this amazing monologue about how cheating is not just one lapse in judgment. No, that's not. That's Drew Michael's bit.

Oh really? Yeah, I don't think I would have. You were doing a bit? No, I wasn't doing a bit. What? It's not just one decision. It's not one. It's a series of decisions.

Drew Michael has a bit about that. You didn't tell her that was you doing his bit? I don't think I would. I don't think I did it in the context of like... Always credit. Did she know it was a Drew Michael bit because no one was laughing and you were just saying it in her room to one person. No, but you could tell you had gotten your heart broken. You are the heart. You're the heartbreak kid.

I've gotten. Yeah, I've gotten hurt. Yeah, your heart's always broken. Yeah, you're not always broken. Mine too. Is it? You both got broken hearts. You know this? Yeah, I've gotten hurt. Yeah, your heart's always broken. Yeah, your heart's broken. It's not always broken. Mine too. Is it? You both got broken hearts. You know this? You caught me on my motorcycle sobbing into my hallway. You came up to me and you were like,

and you were like, hey, how's it going? And I was like, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, and you're like, oh, oh, oh, okay, okay. On the inside I went, ew. Yeah. Yeah. Hey everybody. Bad habits can be alluring,

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It's so great. It's so nice. It literally spoiled like so many venues for us because we did that and then we're like, it's no Wilbur. But they were so nice to us. It was the first night, first show. It was so fun. I had like my family there, all this

shit in the green room while I'm on stage. Jeff goes, he pulls his phone out and goes, what do you think about this? Huh? And just shows her a picture of me taking a shit 10 years ago. This is the man. The man you love. The only, the part that makes this redeeming is that he said, what do you think about this? That is the one redeeming. How about this though?

What does this do to your face? And then she like laughed it off. He told me afterwards, we're all in the green room. My agent's there. My agent's there, my sister, everyone's in the green room, we're all hanging out and she's like, he showed me a picture of you like taking a shit. He showed me and I'm like, why would you do that?

And then she goes, and then Katie looks at me and she goes, I think, I kind of get, I think he's kind of a cunt. shit. He showed me. I'm like, why would you do that? And then she goes and then Katie looks at me and she goes, I think I kind of get I think he's kind of a cunt. And we all cried laughing. I never heard her talk like that. Wow. It was so great. It was so funny. She pegged you. That is you. You're kind of a cunt. Yeah, you are kind of a cunt. What do you know? Life, you know, what are the things? I haven't seen you be cunty.

I've seen crazy. Remember when your girlfriend said that in front of me and you that she wanted to fuck my boyfriend at the time? Do you remember that? At the bonfire? She was like, I would fuck him. And we were both like, what's happening? You remember that?

There was many of those times. Yeah. There was so many of those. Oh wait. Yeah. Yeah. Have you been in a relationship where like that, something like that happens several times

and you keep going, stop. Like, oh no. I don't want you to be this way, but you keep showing me who you are. Yeah. Well, the amount of times ever you'd glance over and she'd be doing this eyes to the bartender. Oh, the eyes.

Oh, all the time. I know about the eyes. Oh, sometimes I'd be like, what the hell? I caught it once and got mad and then I was defeated. And then she did it in front of me all the time. Yeah, you're defeated quality. In her back pocket. Wait, your defeated quality was effective.

I think it's the most effective it's been with somebody. What do you mean? Because she's addicted to getting validation from other people. And you eventually were like, I don't care. Oh, yeah. Like, I remember looking at you and be like, she just said she wants to fuck my boyfriend. Are you ready to kill her? And you were like, let him fuck.

And I was like, oh, wow. Oh, you are that way. Yeah, it was good. What, like a coward? Go with some. No, it was alpha. It was dismissive. Like, if you're going to do it, go do it. No fucking. Yeah. you are that way. Yeah, it was good. What, like a coward? You don't let go at some point. No, it was alpha. It got alpha. Dismissive, dismissive. Like, if you're gonna do it, go do it. Don't fucking, yeah, yeah.

That's pretty cool. Yeah, and then she did. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, oh no! Oh shit! It was a holiday! You're being a**-ed up.

You're joking. I was being alpha. You're not supposed to. I was being alpha. You're not supposed to. I was being alpha. King Kong Ingotian on me. Andrew Tate you lied. Yeah. Her libido was too high.

I got a low libido these days. You're like, she couldn't handle how little sex I wanted. I wanted it. I need a gal who's alright with me getting hard one day out of the week. Oh yeah, you did the thing that I did where you got on Prozac, libido went away, but you felt amazing about everything. Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still looks pretty good. Libido's pretty down. Slow busting all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's slow busting? It's where you take forever to bust. No, no, I just like, instead of like busting, which is like, it's just a slow.

Wait, do it again, do it again. Oh, wait, you mean like. What? What? Are you blowing out a pussy willow? What's the matter with you? Did I hit you with my bus? That's what it would sound like if we were doing it.

Do it again. I have a high libido. We used to have a two man act. We used to do two man. Really? Do I remember that? Yeah, on stage together? Yeah, we used to have a two man act. Really? Do you remember that? On stage together? Yeah, we used to have a two man act because we used to always own mic. And so we'd like, let's like write some new shit together. We'd get high, do some bits together. They're like, let's try that at the open mic on Tuesday.

And we'd host an open mic by doing our two man act. No, this was in Chicago. And we used to do, I remember the last time we did it, we were like cooking. We were like getting booked as the two of us. No way. And then we. What was the name of your act? Jeff and Jeff. And only he got the tattoo. Yeah. And then we remember the last time we ever did it was because we bombed so hard.

You ever do a bit that bombs so hard that at the end of it you go, all right, like you just have to say something. It was the worst. We had some pretty fun ones. We had the train kiss one, which is where it was like two guys on a train. And like I was the straight man in a lot of these bits. I bet. Oh, yeah. And I would always be like this. I'm on the train. Yeah. Usually, usually, usually in usually like comedic duos.

Yeah. Yeah. But in comedic duos, it's like straight man, crazy man. And then there's it was a straight man game. Yeah. Oh, there's it was a straight man. Yeah. Oh, actually, now we think about a lot of our catches. We're pretty gay. Like, can you do one of them right now? The train kiss one where I say I'm on the train and the train's

cooking along. We hit a bump. We go like, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. I would keep kissing. And then he gets further and further each. I'd walk further away to the point where I'm like off stage, farther away. And he'd go, whoa.

And then you'd have a whole find me find me through the crowd and we'll get, and get my kiss. Oh, that's great. That was fun. And then we had the girls that were kidnapped in Ohio. That was the one. That was the last bit we did. Long Island medium was pretty fun.

I still like long Island medium. Yeah, that's a good bit. We used to watch, we used to watch reality TV. Remember long Island medium? Did you really? Yeah. Yeah. She like grab random people like oh your dead uncle And sister say it to you or something. Yeah She was she was she was gonna. I'll set you up She goes into a donut shop

And she's like did someone here like lose a child recently someone lost a child and the girl poured over there He's like yeah, like I did yeah, and then she's like oh your child's Just wants to let you know you loved this and that like and everything's okay And she was like that's probably not what she said she probably was like your child just wants to let you know Oh, no, she's like my child is a miscarry. Oh, yes, miss. And then they're like, oh and your child wants to say I want to say this to you, but And then we had the girl that was. You need to bring this back.

It should. Then we had the girl that was like, remember the one girl that was that ran away from the basement? And then she went to save them because she ran away. She saved the two other girls that were kind of like, oh, in there for a while. Yeah, Ohio. So we were the two girls that had been there for a while, telling her, no, how it works down here.

And it's how we just like, you know, it's spaghetti night's Tuesday, it's actually not that bad. These are pretty good. And then we'd have a God mic, where if like, the only thing is you just can't leave. It's the only catch. So like, watch this, like, hey, what's tomorrow night? He's like, pizza night.

We're like, yay. And then he'd be like, and then I think we're gonna take off pretty soon. And then you hear like, watch this, like, hey, what's tomorrow night? He's like, pizza night. We're like, yay. And then he'd be like, and then I think we're going to take off pretty soon. And then you hear like, oh, yeah, I'd be like, you cannot leave. Brother, he's super sweet. He's a sweet guy. He's honestly pretty good guy. Yeah. We had a lot. We just kept that big going. And then we never had an ending store bits. I think that was the biggest part was that there was no we just go, all right. And then what's the next one? Oh, yeah.

And if they didn't like one it bombed long island medium would miss a lot but when that sucker hit boy did it hit the long fart that was another one too oh yeah the long fart where one guy like we just do comparison farts and then fart for too long his fart would be he just he wouldn't be able to stop and he gets scared yeah nice. Nice. Funny stuff. Yeah, this is quality comedy. I like this. In the second city. Yeah.

Wow. Dude, you're a two man. Yeah. Alright, you're at a pet store and you're a bird. What? Do I? Whoa. I don't think you're...

Oh, that's how improv works. Hello, sir. I'm looking for a bird with teeth that are bad, but they want to get better. Are there any around here? There's a game that I play called... Oh, it talks! There's a game that I play called... It's called Bird Horse...

Oh, look at this parrot! Oh, it's got... Pig. Pig horse bird. Oh, it loves animals. Pig horse bird. You're a bird bird. You're...

Don't call me pig. Yeah, you're a pig bird. Pig pig. Thank you. Horse bird. Wait, what am I? I'm a bird bird? You're a bird bird. You're a bird bird. I'm a bird bird. Yeah, your pig bird Pig-pig thank you horse bird. Wait, what am I? I'm a bird bird your bird bird. What's that mean?

What are all these? No, what are we doing? Yeah, I don't know what you are. I think your pig horse Okay, so now look at him you can tell what it is. Just say what it is No, you're not horse. I could do a horse sound. You're Pig Pig. OK, I'm a pig pig. Now what? Yeah. Now what do we do? You just have to qualify somebody those animals. Yeah, he's horse horse. Three, three. Nobody likes to be called any of those

things. And you're dumb dumb. What the fuck is that? Well, it's an order of operations. How does this game work, bitch, bitch? You're not horse at all. You're horse. Why don't you go show eyes at another bartender? Whore. Whore. Order of operations Do you win you win who loses everyone watching The couples game, you know the couple's game What's that where you have to you both have to just say a word on the count of three and then you try and see

How many tries it gets to get to the same word? Oh, We already blew up on Instagram because we did that and it's called brain melt. Okay, I'm sorry. We're really good at it. Watch. One, two, three, Gore-Tex. Gore-Tex. I fucked up. Cigarettes. Ready? I'm not.

One, two, three. I don't have anything for that. Wait a second. Say a word. It has to be related. I have to think about Gore-Tex. No, but you definitely have to be quick. You can't be like, all right, give me five minutes. OK, one, two, three, fire outside fire. One, two, three, camping, one, three, boy scouts, one, two, three

molestation. I knew it was coming. Yeah. OK. All right. You guys do it. Yeah. One, two, one, two's off. I knew the lesson was coming. Yeah. Okay. Alright, you guys do it. Yeah. One, two, three. Love.

Love. Love. Bottle? Yeah. Shut your faggot. Go ahead. One, two. One, two, three.

Cunt. Yeah. One, two, three. Tequila. Pirates. Pirates and tequila. One, two, three. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. I was just following his mouth.

I was just following his mouth. I think I looked down at his mouth too. I was like, oh, you're a joke. You were like sucked in there. Get out of my mouth, I say. I want to play a clip from your real friend scene. You're not the bachelor, Ed. You're engaged to a lady.

Are you going to have a big wedding? How are you engaged to a lady with your legs like that? He always cross them. What's so bad about guys across their legs? Yeah, by the way yours is different It's comfy. That is something else. Oh, I'm sorry. I got a lot of leg. It's more than that It's the belly out with the legs. I think yeah Jordan eyes up here Good looking at my belly and my thighs. Turn it around, do it, do it, do it. Other way, other way, turn it around.

Turn. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Oh, this is fun. It is fun. That's cool. You're like a...

You kind of look like one of the cigarette guys from Men in Black. Oh, that is great. The hell? Yeah. Yup. No. Yay, we going on break, yeah. Oh, that is great. Hell, yeah. Yeah. No, we're going on break. Man, the Mexican aliens that was got that was great. Yeah, they were Mexican aliens.

They're Mexican aliens. Yeah. Oh, I did. Yeah. illegal alien. And Will Smith was black. Yeah. It's all coming together. He's and then there was a bug guy. Yes. Sugar water. Oh my god. There's a cat that's very dear friend of mine.

Oh you took me there. Wow that was good. I felt like I was on set. Watch this lady. Edgar. Your skin is hanging off your bones. That's pretty good. Yeah. Thank you so much. That was good. She was sugar. More. More sugar. You're overdoing it. I'm not. I'm doing good. Thank you so much. That was good. She was sugar more sugar. You're overdoing it I'm doing good

And he goes there is that better yeah, it's a very dear friend of mine. That's a good life for it It's a good friend of mine You're the worst. I like it I think he's nailing it. You're you're now horse bird and you're fucking dumb bitch. Yeah. You're a dumb bitch. Take that. You know, you wear a horse and a woman, you don't take the punch out of the pig.

Oh, you do wear boxers. I was picturing flannel boxers. I'm not picturing, but you don't. You're picturing my boxers? I knew they'd be like, I knew they'd be loose. Right. Picture them on your floor. Oh, if I do, you're gonna make me. How many women, how many women a week offered a blow job?

Your penis. You talking to this happen all the time? You think? What? What world? I know that male comics just I'm it's a it's a thing that happens where women are just like, I will blow you. They don't even say I will have sex with you, they say I will blow your penis.

I don't really get those. I get more of like, hey, I see you're going to be in town. I'd love to tell you. Like it's very like formal. Like I'd like to talk like. Oh, that's because you have the sweet little mouth. Yeah, I'd like to meet up and talk. Or they'll show you pictures of their butt plugs or something.

I got that one time. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She she came up to me during like it was we're all hanging out after a show one time and she comes up and she's like, she came up walking backwards. She just showed she goes, I'm wearing this right now. And she showed me a picture of her butt plug. And I was like, is this and she goes, I just took it in the bathroom. Was she hot? She was now. No, keep it moving. That was who she was but she was like trashy hot. You know, I mean the blood plug lady. Yeah trashy

You don't say what walking around with something currently in your ass without being in a bed or a bathtub cool You could hear sitting on a metal chair Somebody laughing in Morse code Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding You know, have you ever gotten some are curie runoff pussy on the road? No Like they can't get to a so they get Not terrifying you do. Yes. You are the only one here that has someone that loves them What true at all? That's not true at all me and Seth both have girlfriends. Oh, yeah It's all Jordan both love each other. Seth is my videographer slash host. We have a host slash.

Oh, you love each other. Yes. Jordan, say prove it. I love you. I love you. Let me see it. Make it make the love. We have to prove the boy. Make make the love in front of me.

Yes, make it! What? Love you so much it makes me sick, babe. Ian fell in love with a girl last night that he met for the first time last night. He's always fallen in love. What's so special about this one? Ricky, I don't know. Who is that? Lucy?

She's not. Hey Ricky, I don't know! I don't know Some explaining to do Where does Katie live? L.A. How do you deal? Oh, that must be tough. It's actually fine because I'm on the road a lot anyway. Yeah, I'm going out to L.A. next week.

I just met her family last week. Did you guys go to a safari? Yeah, we did a game farm. Like it was like we drove through it was like a sanctuary and we drove through and we fed bison. They were really cute. It was so fun. It was in Washington.

So we went to Washington. I met her family. We stayed in Seattle. We did like seafood dinner. It was like really I did a fun thing. I sat down on a chair. It broke but was already broken. I didn't know that which was mortifying I sat down on a chair in front of her whole family and it like fell apart. So I was like, they're like, oh, we forgot to tell you like that's broken. And I'm like, you guys doing this in the new guy? So then I was like, oh, if I do it to Katie, I'll be in with them. Did it to her. What did you do to her? All right. She's I just like, hey, see right there, that seat's open. And she fell. Oh, it's very funny. Everyone laughs. I was like, what the fuck did you do to my daughter?

Oh, wait, you pushed your new girlfriend down. No, I didn't push her. I was across from her in a round of bonfire. Oh, this is a family who like me. Punch. Kicks the chair off my arm. Wait, you made her fall down? No, I just, he goes, no.

I, we were all around a bonfire. There was one seat available and she took the seat. And I just was like, hey, take that seat. Like I, I pushed her in that direction the same way they did to me. And then she was more like a whoop, whoop, oh, like barely falling. Plastic chair? No, it was more like a whoop, whoop, oh, like barely falling. Plastic chair?

No, it was like a, it was one of those like weird chairs that are like- Papasan? It's just like a little lounge chair. The fuck's a papasan? You don't know what a papasan is? I'm a same Osama-mapa-san? Yeah.

The big bowls that you rest on the pedestal. Remember those in the 90s? Oh, those are cool. What? A bean bag. No, no, listen to me. Like in the 90s? Oh, those are cool. What? A bean bag? No, no. Listen to me. Like they have bars? No. Imagine wooden-

Shut up! Imagine wooden circle. Go ahead. Imagine wooden- I'm trying to use boner right now. Wooden dome, wooden half sphere, resting in a wooden pedestal with then a cushion in the half sphere and you would get in it. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

What? It's a technology chair. Yeah. Yeah. You bring that here? No, that what you're talking about. It's a psychology chair. Yeah. You bring that camping? No, that's not what I had. She just said something else. Why did you have that camping?

Why did you take a puppy? Why did you take a puppy? Why did you take a puppy? You took a papa bun and a fun one. You stole a puppy and a sun one. Why would you throw a bachelorette into a fire? No, she felt it was funny and then all the kids, the boys were playing. I was playing with the boys, like the kids.

And then there is a video of him getting in that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have that video. I got hit in the head. There is a video. We have to dig that up for the podcast. That's the best video of all time. It's on my...

Wait, what is this? I got hit in the head with a soccer ball. My brother-in-law is like a big brother to me. And I was playing on the beach with his daughter. And we were like playing with a ball. And brother-in-law is like a big brother to me, and I was playing on the beach with his daughter, and we were like playing with a ball, and then he took this wet, like one of these like, you know those soccer balls that get super wet if you get them wet?

Like they get heavy. And he threw it like a good 40 yards, and as I was playing with his daughter, it just hits me in the head, and I dramatize it quite a bit, and I fall into the water, because it fucking hurt. I did one of those things where I'm like,

shit, it doesn't hurt as bad, but I want him to feel bad. Yeah. Yeah. So he was like, oh, and he slows it down. It's great. Yeah. So you push her into a fire. You played with the children and then the kids were like, oh, we are like, we're running around. I go, oh, that chair is home base. So these 10 year old and eight year old boy both jumped on the chair at the same time and it like tumbled down the hill and the whole family laughed and I was like this could hurt people yeah what is this funny do you think it's fun to hurt people people falling down is

the funniest thing in the world but isn't the chair kind of dangerous it was broken yeah I know why is it still there but it's funny you were at one of these children no it could have it's mostly cloth a little bit of wood. And 100% fun. Nobody tells it like Papa Song. This really could have been a Ben Stiller meeting the family going wrong. You're trying to prank these kids, they get skewered in the eye. You really were taking risks here. I just saw Ben Stiller. He was in The Cellar. Oh yeah, that's right, the other night.

How's he look? Is he back? Is he... Really? Looks great. great really shorter than I thought he was gonna be. Yeah, they always are. Yeah, it's always Yeah, Kevin Hart came down the stairs at the cellar. I thought the stairs were continuing past me. It was epic He's a widow Came down the stairs and I was like, oh yeah, and the stairs are oh, they're not continuing he got here and he was like He's all jacked and ripped stuff I want to get like so fucking strong. Nobody sees you're not that short. What are you five seven five eight and three quarters? Our normal woman's height I'm gonna see you're taller than me stand up right now. Oh, yes a tall off. Oh

Look at this wearing air maxes. Oh Yeah, I think yes. He's taller than you. Oh, yes. A tall off. Oh, look at this. Wearing Air Max's. Oh, yeah. I think. Yes, he's taller than you. Yeah, he's taller. No, they're not. Whoa. Who can you say? Crazy. So much so much height right now. Oh, me. Yeah, five, 11, three quarters. How big? How big is your member?

He's got a big cock. He's a big old wiener. Really? I remember one time we were all talking about to gauge our size, we're saying what we could fuck like bottle wise. And so like if you can't fucking gatorade bottle, that means it's good. And Jun was just listening, like watching us like he does like this. And he goes, I can fuck a two liter and hit the bottom yeah call it the needler

here comes the needle why does everything you say sound like it was a throwaway line in the birdcage doctors here why would you have seen those? I'm very close with your ex. Oh. Alright. So is a lot of people. I think it's alright. It looked like it could, you know, unlock a lock. But, you know, it looked dexterous. It's long, isn't it? It's long, I bet. I pictured it long.

Oh, it's like long and skinny? It's regular size? There's no way. Look at your scary fingers. You got a long skinny guy. What? You got a long skinny guy. I don't think so. Like skinny and not helpful for coming. No, really helpful. How girthy should you be?

Probably about. No, no. Often it covered my tooth. You are you too. Is this a tootin pod? Can you fart on this? It's a rude tootin pod. I can fart. Oh, no. To is this a tootin pod you fart on this part No, I really have a gag report. No, this is good. I can smell the... What? The...

Just eat it. Eat it. Even just the thought of smelling it. What about the smell of a little bit of it? I can't. Eat it. If I... Eat some...

Eat some food. Wait, you look like a little baby crying. Is it worse or not? Are you real? Are you real? Are you real? Are you real? Are you real?

Are you real? Are you real? Are you real? Are you real? Are you real? Are you real? Are you real? Yeah. Eat some food. Wait, you look like a little baby crying. Is it worse or not? Look. Are you real? Are you real? Are you for real? Is it worse when other people get it?

No, it doesn't. Oh, no, I'm good. It's just right here. It's right here. Oh. It's right here. It was right here. He's got a little bit of poop on his underwear, 100%.

Here it comes. Oh, yeah on his underwear. Here it comes. I think I shit myself, Jeff. There's Dookie in there. There's Dookie in there. Yeah. Get over here. Chew on my poopie Pyrinthum.

Jeff the other guy. The other guy. The other guy. Coyote licked almost person's human shit. Oh, Jordan. I was walking back below. Oh, no. Wait, she just walked up like, it was a quick licker. She walked up, she walked up and she was...

She was sniffing at something. And then I looked and I saw a piece of toilet paper with human shit on it and she had stuck her shoes. You know, he. Well, that was a good one. And then I had to go home and wash your little mouth and piss off. Oh Was evidently when we came here at the game farm a bison came up and like burped in the thing And we couldn't get rid of the smell and we were driving We both kept gag reflexing each other and she was like I'm sure I recorded that. I go, no. Just do it. Just let it out.

I have the worst. Here. Let it out. Oh, God. I'm gonna fuck more alive. That's funny. Wait, what if she. That was the only one not gagging.

What if she poops and you smell it? I think it's fine. What if you go down on that thing and you smell it? If I'm going down on it and she takes a shit, I might make a little bit of a noise. What if you do anal and you pull out and there's a little bit of shit around the rim of your dick? Oh my god. You can smell it. Wait, do I tell you what I would do or what I did do? I'm kidding.

We don't do butt stuff. What if you were going down on a girl and a little fart came out and there was a little bit of What's it called? Grainy poop on your tongue. What about that? I would be like, aw, eww. I'm just trying to make a puke.

No, you gotta play it cool. The smell will get you? I'm really bad to make a bug. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, you got to play it cool. Yeah, if I smell it, I think the smell will get you. I'm really bad with smells. You can ask him. He would have thrown up at the cup of athletic greens I left here. Oh, yeah, it was on. Yeah, it was such a smell. You had to keep smelling it. It was a smell that from over here he was gagging.

Oh, it's one of those. Yeah. Oh, so bad. You want to keep going to it. I left here for weeks. Yeah. And it had mold in it. And it was like new. Oh, it's terrible. It's my favorite clip of being in it. When Ian goes and smells it and he goes,

what's that smell? Then he finds it and he goes, that's what it is! It hits his brain. That's why all the, dude, I clip that on my phone and watched it so many times of him just, that's what it is. Like, it's like, it's like, it's over.

Yeah. Yeah, we used to have, he used to have a cat and then it would smell so bad. I would like gag throughout the house. Oh yeah, the cast litter box. Where'd that cat go? Which wooden was this? 2013. This was with Laura.

Still with her. She kept the cat if we broke up. Yeah. I thought you were back with your ex. There's a different ex. We moved in. You got back with another ex? I got back with the ex that I've broken up with a bunch of times.

Now we're on on. It can work. Yeah. On off. We're on now. We, yeah, they moved in. I was there for like a month before them. They moved in and he brought a cat.

It was no pet's apartment. He just brings a cat with him in a box and goes, surprise. Brings a cat. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I know you. I remember that moment.

I was like, oh, you just, he's like, yeah, it's more of a forgiveness over permission type of thing. Oh yeah. And then he had a cat. It's my motto. They had the litter box in the bedroom. Yeah, we'll see if that holds up in court. I could taste my own file.

Yeah. You all right? Yeah. that holds up in court. I could taste my own file. Yeah. You all right? I'll be OK. Can you still smell the shit? Is it his shit? Is it my shit? No, there's no poopy.

He had the cat in his bedroom and then they would wake up and have like they kept getting sick. Yeah, we kept getting headaches every day. Why? Because I think we were huffing cat pee all night. It was a small bedroom. Did you clean the cat pee? No, I wouldn't clean nothing. Dude, Sagal's house smells like piss.

Really? You didn't do a podcast there and smell it? I did, but I guess I was there when he had just gotten the cat. Oh God. Smells like cat piss? I can't stand the smell of cat piss. Yeah.

It's so gross. People look at dog owners like they're so gross. They're not. The apartment doesn't smell. Samson is not a cat. He's an old, weird man that lives in your room. And he's a good guy. Oh, yeah.

You got a cat. He's just a weird guy. He's a good guy. But he's not a cat. He literally comes out and he's like, meh, meh, meh, meh. And then Ian just starts talking to him. And then he's a litter.

He and I talk. I whistle and he runs back into the bed. It's cool. What does he say? Free loader. That's what Samson is. He's a freeloader. No, he's not.

He doesn't. He just means a freeloader comes down. He eats and he's like everybody out. And then he eats and then he goes back into the room. Yeah, because he's alone with his thoughts and he has stuff to share with me later when I can give him my full attention He's lost it he's like one of those kids that you have live in your house when you're growing up choose your words wise Yeah, I love him. He's the best cat. Well, thank you. It's hard to imagine as a cat He's like you can tell the emotion he has here in this picture How old is he? He has a cat, see his people face. Oh yes that's nice! He has a people face, it's true. Keep going. His people face, yeah. Oh he's a good guy.

He's like- You can tell the emotion he has here in this picture. Oh yeah. He's having a bad time. Oh he's having a bad time. He's having a really bad time. And Ian's having a nice time. Let me see that picture.

I like it. He's having a really unfortunate time there. Oh, the poor thing. What? Okay, he's got a 16. Ooh, that's disgusting. That's disgusting. That's too old.

That's too old. I remember- If you think your stink is smelling in my ass, what are you throwing at me? Oh Smell in my ass The first nights we were like together I was at her place was like when her cat was on my Your pussy You fart I'm far I tell you my farted it's Ian's fart. It's really bad Yeah, eat it. Eat as far as you can. Wait, now I want him to do... Come rebel! No, no, no! Jordan, if you fart, I will lose my shit.

Really? No, do not fart. Jordan, do not fart at me. Why not? I didn't have enough salad today. It's mostly protein, so... You know, I've been eating a lot of sweet greens. Oh, good!

I knew that you'd like it. I really like it. I feel like you guys forgot we were here for a second. Oh, no. Sorry, sorry. Make love. Let me see you. I knew that you'd like it. I really like it. Sorry. I feel like you guys forgot we were here for a second.

Oh, no. Sorry, sorry. Make love. Let me see you. I just said he wouldn't like it. It was a big battle to get him to eat this salad. And I was like, trust me, it's a big hearty salad. You like it. He's like, salad, that's gay. And then. Yeah, I like it. You need salad to fart.

Well, I just had only. You could fart on a meaty diet. Shh. Let the lady toot. Yeah, just keep talking amongst yourselves And it'll happen all right you went over to the cat it stunk like shit, and you couldn't get hard cuz you're a little baby Do you think lady farts are grosser than dude farts? No, I think they're cuter. Really? I think generally they're cuter. I find them to be grosser. My family, my dudes, dude, you know what happened? We go home to Ithaca with the guy that I'm seeing, you guys know, and you know, and my sister's like, I don't understand how you do it.

And we were right next to him and she was like, you have the loudest farts you are, and they're like, they have, they have vowels to it. They're like, and she was, and then her and my mom started imitating my farts. And then I looked over and was like, I never fart in front of him. And they were like, oh. You don't fart in front of him?

Never have. Do you ever do anything where you're comfortable? Oh. Let that fart out. Me and Chelsea fart in front of each other. I just can't. My butt hole locks up. I thought it was. It's going to happen. Jake, it happened. It's a little one.

It happened. It stinks. Yeah, it's going to stink. Oh, no, that's you. And I want to smell more. Yeah, there you go. It's a really gross one. It was silent like this. Oh I usually the ones that are like those are bad. Those are the ones that are nasty. Yeah, if they have friends Did you get it? We're gonna better vagina

Was that noise You're bad gag reflexes Doesn't bother me at all I just want Jeff to hear you. You know what? I'm going to shit myself. Yeah. Just for this. Shit for the pod. I'm going to shit. Hold on. I'm going to shit my head. Yeah.

It's called be worth it. Yeah, shit your hand. I'll eat it. I'll take a bite out of it. It would be worth it. That'll gross them out. I think you're going to shit. I think you're going to shit.

I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit my head. I'm going to shit your hand. I'll eat it. I'll take a bite out of it. It wouldn't be worth it. That'll gross them out.

I think I'm gonna shit. I think I'm gonna shit. No, no, no, let me shit. Get down, shit. Let me smell, let me smell. Let me smell. Let me smell. Let me smell. Let me smell. Let me smell. Let me smell.

I can't. Stop it. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive right now. I'm so close to the right. What are you doing? Just look at it. It's not bad! What is it?

What is it? Ew, it does look like... Okay. Because you looked at this! He said, stop, I'm sensing it right now! He said, stop! Because you looked at this What is that you left in there what is it I don't know it's not good, but I gotta see No I don't know why you're handing it to me. Jeff, take it. No. Imagine drinking it.

Why is this the theme? I like this. I like this a lot. You're an evil person. Imagine taking a sweet... Oh yeah. Oh, I'm seeing stars. I love it. Hey, speaking of seeing stars, starry eyed surprise. Shout out shifty shell shock. What is this? Crazy down died. Oh no.

Come my lady. Come, come my lady. You're my sugar. Butterfly sugar, baby. Come my lady come come my lady you're my sugar Butterfly sugar, baby come my lady come come my lady you're my butterfly sugar, baby Yeah, and that is that guy this died just died Any of that song starry I'd surprised you remember that song which one was that? What's here? What vape vape in your pancake? Oh vape fear? Youpe fear? Oh, vape fear. I thought you were naming your favorite De Niro movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vape fear.

No, you can't push me down in a chair like you're your girlfriend. Vape fear. What the fuck? That's not... What? You'd be pushing girls down? No, I don't be pushing girls down. I don't be pushing girls down! I don't be pushing girls down! Sit in that chair, it's broken, idiot!

That's funny, that's a funny bit. So were they, oh I gotta go, so were they punking you? Who? The family? You just accidentally sat in the chair? At one point her grandpa yelled out, cause I was playing with one of the kids, I was like playing with one of her two year olds. God damn it, that boy's gay! There was was vibe. Was there? Yeah.

I probably was one of the least lesser mainly guys that she's dated. Oh, like the kids were making fun of me. Like I was like, oh, wow. He's like, he's like, you're from the city, right? You know, that is what we call a tree.

Oh, and you would be like, yeah, they kept doing it. Once they got a laugh out of me with it, they're like, and this is grass. I'm like, all right, the bit's dead. Yeah, stop. We were like, shut up. I got a body count. No wonder you were throwing kids into chairs. They're like and this is grass Shut up, I got a high body count

It's a picture of Jeff Sheen's dick. You meet her dad. I got a high body count. My friend's got a thin long neatly dick. I got a super high body count. I can throw up really fast. Oh yeah. If your daughter farts, I'm gonna puke all over the place. I used to be able to regurgitate. Like I could swallow something and then regurgitate like instantly. I do that in accident all the time.

Oh yeah, you got a small throat. I got a small throat too. Eww. He would have no problem sucking his own dick. Really? and then regards to you like instantly. I do that and I do it all the time. Oh yeah, you got a small throat. I got a small throat. Eww. What are you doing, man? He would have no problem sucking his own dick. Mm-hmm. Really? Oh, small throat, small dick, you know what they say?

Small throat. How do you know it's a thin throat? Well, actually, I think the throat is regular sized. I went to the ear, nose, and throat doctor. They did a little x-ray and watched me swallow hunks of yogurt, which I thought that was sexy. Here it comes again. Yeah, like, give me hunks of yogurt. Which I thought that was sexy. Here it comes again. Like give me another bite of yogurt.

I watched myself swallow yogurt. Then he hold it over and go. Yeah. I was like. Uh. Uh. Uh. More quenon.

I bet for every other person they were like, here's some bread. And you came in and they were like, give the boy. Yeah. When he got on the ladder he dripped it in my mouth. But I could swallow it. We need five more go-gurts. Stat. They're like give the boy Five more gogurt scat, but I need to I gotta go to the gastro They say cuz I got some drag in my gastro area and that's where the food gets stuck In my gastro drag in the gastro drag Queens gastro your asshole gag. There's a joke in there You're gay. Oh, man.

She got it. We got to go. I've got to go to the bottom. All right. Let's see. Has a special out. It's called All of It. Yes.

And New York, Jeffrey. Jeff, our carry doesn't need any help from us. He's on tour. He's famous. You can see this guy on tour to Jordan. Don't touch my head like that. I'll kill you. or he's famous. You can see this guy in tour to Jordan. Don't touch my head like that.

I'll kill you. Punch up dot live slash Ian Fidey. I am in Brea, Oxnard, Naples, Florida. Oh, Los Angeles, July 9th, the Hollywood improv. I'm doing my hour. Chappelle Lacey, Jessica Johnson, you're going to be there, going to be fun. And then I'm at Fort Collins. What's the name of that place? Comedy Fort. Yes. I can't wait.

First week in August. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates and patreon.com slash B and E and pod. Thank you guys. We love you. We'll see you next week. Bye bye.