Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 102: 3 Team Melinda W/ John Kennedy

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Meow.

Yeah. Yeah. Welcome back to another episode of being Ian with Jordan. We are so... Remember those toys that you had growing up that were like it was a dinosaur and you'd squeeze it and be like... Nope. Really? No, no. Do you remember those tubes that would go... Oh yeah it sounds like Samson when you give them um... uh... catnip. Wait people in the pod, you do remember the dinosaurs right? That's exactly what they sounded like. As you let them go. It was really annoying. Thank you for tuning in everybody. Shout out

Missing Link. Go get their new album on Triple B records. They fucking rip. What's up, Mike? Uh, also shout out sieve gorilla biscuits, uh, new york city tattoo convention Is uh, july 26 27th the 28th integrity earth crisis dead guy scarab all for all We should go. Yeah, that'd be fucking sick. The end of the month, July, New York, wow. New York tattoo convention. Oh, we got to go three days. Orange nine millimeter into another Robber grade space calling hours. Then there's a DJ dance party. That doesn't sound fun, but it could be fun. You like DJs. Your eyebrows look better. You got them tattooed on, get them tattooed at the convention You can get tickets at I did get him tattooed on NYC Con.com huh I told sir we

Been listening to bad brains no way we got you into bad brains Yeah, no Tony Hawk did Tony Hawk the game video game got you into bad brains. Yeah, yeah, cuz I had their songs in it So I know I was with him the other day at the X Games video game. Got you into bad brains. Yeah, yeah, because they had their songs in it. I know. I was with him the other day at the X Games. I know you were with him and then the guy who I want him to do my special is his guy and then my friend is obsessed with him and then we might see him on Tuesday. Yeah. It's been coming up a lot. I don't know what he wants from me, but I don't have anything for him. What Tony Hawk wants from me. Yeah. Yo, you know what's wild? My dreams have been translating to what I need to do that day in real life.

You need to sell your mom's body to Andrew Collins? Cut that. I don't want that on the podcast. He had a dream that Gail was dating Andrew Collins and he kept trying to fight Andrew Collins and he couldn't find him anywhere. Yeah, and it really... And everybody was supporting Andrew Collins

and being like, leave him, leave him. It really, really bothered me. And all these comedy shows were on a commune. I kept going to the different buildings, trying to find him. F**ked me up. Just cut the part about the Andrew Colin whatever. All right. Yeah. I had a f**ked up dream about somebody dating my mom. Pissed me off. And then I had a dream that I couldn't get Samson into his carrier to take him to the vet. And then I woke up and dude, I got him right into the carrier. Did he go like this? Like, yeah, he does. No, that sounds exactly

like what he did when he was in. He straight up, he wouldn't go in face forward. So I turned him around and he just plopped in, put him on, put him on my shoulder, rode my bike with him to the vet. He didn't make any noise. He loved the bike ride. I think I might take him out for some bike rides. Yeah, I think he'd like that. Dude, what was your dream?

He put shut up. He put his little head at the mango. Can I have a mango? You may not just because you want the mango. I was thinking about getting a liquid death give us more stuff oh that's nice same gold uh here we have master observation them gold.

Master of observation. Same gold chain. It is. The same color is. You've had those teeth in your mouth. Do you water those things or how to keep growing? No, I've actually they've been the

same size since I was like a boy. I believe so. They were like, still are like crazy. You look you're a little kid sitting on a couch with big teeth. You know, I'm saying like this big. I believe you had a littler head. Yeah, that's how being a kid works. Dip shit in at the craziest teeth as a little kid.

And you go into whenever you want to do something, follow people around. I'm going There's a video Which is what you do now Do that now don't yeah, dude if I'm like, I'm gonna go see a movie on Wednesday Can I have your vape no Ian do There's a video of me when I was a kid and my mom wanted me to eat like broccoli and I was like no mama That's yucky for me There's a video of me to eat like broccoli and I was like, no mama, that's yucky for me. There's a video of me flipping a soda and I go like this.

Oh, it's too tasty. Oh, I didn't like it, but I thought tasty meant sparkly. My sister would go for anything like I'll use the broccoli example again if she didn't want it, she'd be like too big, too big. She's still doing that, you know what I mean? Because I fucked her in my huge back. It's like a late night talk show host. I like the things that kids, my niece says if something's really big, she goes, that's Corp and Stance. Doesn't even make sense.

That's Corp and Stance. The fuck make sense. That's corp and stance. The fuck is corp and stance? Or saucer menu. Who said saucer menu? Brianna's little boy. What? Saucer menu. Jamie used to say Jepris.

If a cat was sitting with its legs up, like in a kitchen, that cat's Jepris. And then if it was about to pounce, you go, oh, now that cat's putteris. And then if it was about to pounce, you go, Oh, now that cat's putter. Everyone in your life is haunted by devils. Everyone in your life's brain is infected by disease. I still can't talk because I have this big lip. So for comfortable, I would say dash comfortable. Yeah. I couldn't say my J's or my L's. So my neighbors names are Joey and Jenna and I'd call them Zoe and Zena.

And my mom's side of the family would viciously make fun of me and be like, Ian, how's Zoe and Zena? I go, it's not Zoe and Zena, it's Zoe and Zena. Sophia can't say J's and she calls me Auntie, it's Jojo, which you'll say Auntie Dodo. Oh, that's why they call you Dodo, yeah. Sheodo. Oh, that's cute. She's a little Japanese samurai. That's why. That's why instead of saying I love you, because I couldn't say love me and my parents to say E I E I O. Because that's what they say to me. I'll do it in script. But that's why at the end of my special it says for my mom and dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did I tell you about the thing on the bike when I was riding around with Sophia? And I was really scared of this bike because my sister has like a scary bike. And I was like, and she was on a little, her little bike and I was like, I'm sorry if you're saying bike so much. And I was like, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. And Sophia was like, just think about something you love. And I was like, what, what do you mean? And she goes, you won't be scared if you do that.

And then I was like, I can't think of anything. I'm too scared. And she goes, you love whipped cream. You love whipped cream. Oh, that's really cute. Cause I taught her how to do that. Cause she kept having intrusive thoughts about this cat with one eye.

I taught her how to. Was that the one you grabbed in the Dominican Republic? And called the in immediately. Dude, she FaceTime me with this diseased cat, like one eye, worms all over it, petting it. And then like an actual real adult. I was like, Jordan, you can't touch that.

I was like, get away from it. And she's like, but it's fine. And then Jamie came up and was like, get off that cat. It's diseased. I came up and Jamie was like, put that cat down there, parasite, get away with it. And I adopted Coyote the week after. Interesting. Anyway, you're a spinning image of Spongebob Squarepants. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Squarepants. Patrick! That's just a classic line. John, you're coming out with a special soon. John, you've been doing comedy for... Like six years. And you're putting out a special? No, he's not. You have four years left.

Four years before your special comes out. Weren't you going to record one? Yeah, it's kept getting fucked up, the audio. Yeah, it's God. And then we had to restart it. And then he got a sign in the background. He's famous on Twitter. Are you?

Yeah. No, I'm not famous. What's the tweet? What is the tweet that came up the other day that my best friend was like, dude, remember that when we went to the movie, we went. Well, I mean, Brianna and John went to eat sushi and me and Brianna are like grown ass women ordering, you know, like whatever eel or something.

And he goes, can I, you know, spicy tuna roll? And then he goes, do you guys have you guys have yum yum sauce? Yum yum sauce. It's a real thing. Like what? And I and John with his big teeth goes like like without movies. You guys have yum yum sauce. You guys have yum yum sauce? It's a real thing. And John with his big teeth goes like without moving his mouth, please have that be a real thing. And then I looked it up, it's 100% a real thing. I'm just from a different part of the country.

Yeah, in Midwest. I brought you yum yum sauce today. But it was so annoying because she was acting like the waitress was like, she was acting like, like the waitress is like, like she was acting like I was making fun of her. At, at in the wet Midwest where it's like, we serve a thing of sushi. You know what I mean? Like it's not like some fusion. The name of it too is like so bad for me.

Not a grill. Hibachi. No, no, no. Like a bistro. Like he's probably a man sushi at like a bistro where he's like, has to have it with melted cheese on it. Is this weird? I went to a hibachi alone.

Is that weird? And you made the guy like cook for you and like push the steamboat of onions? I had to sit with the family and when he did volcano, I was the only one that was like, whoa! And then he did it. He was the only one that was like whoa And then he did it he everybody else was too mad everybody else is like oh dude, dude I And this family of four was like And then I found out it was a kid's last time I went and got hibachi in the Dominican Republic, this like one server was just sexually harassing one of my moms.

And then at the end of the dinner, all of the women, including my old ass mom and my sister and my other mom, three just like dykes, and my sister were all like, dude, he was like touching me all over. It was really inappropriate. And I was like, and they're like, Jordan, did you? And I was like, yeah, yeah, he was like all up on me. He didn't touch me once. He didn't touch me one time. And I was like basically hitting on him. I was like, Oh, you're bad, she might have. Oh, can you get the shrimp in my mouth? But what about my pussy?

Yeah, it was really. I wanted it. He's like, oh, wait, he gets away. It would be like in Nashville, there was a guy who would always jerk off in front of my friends. But then he was this homeless guy. And then he would walk by and he'd be like, hands deep in his pocket pocket like no penis

Suddenly so made me lose my boner. He would be hands deep in his pocket Nothing weird happening at all Where'd my cock go? I swear I had one. Isn't it right there? No, that's not it. Certainly not. Certainly not that. I'm just holding it across the street.

Looking for that? Got your penis. Now, but for real, my name's Jordan. What's up? I got your penis. So where do you work? You know what I said on hinge the other day? I jumped on it after break up and I go and you're on it already. Yeah, yeah, I was really sad.

I'm not going to do it, but I mean, you know, I to do it for a second this guy this guy hits me up. He's like hey Jordan and I respond Hey, sometimes I say the n-word if that's cool. Let's hang out And you're like that's racist man Because if somebody's okay with that we can hang out, you know what I mean? I just say it alone They say it alone at pictures of black people. No, no stop. No No No, no, no, no, I'm leaving I'm leaving

I will leave I will leave that's my boundary. I set this boundary long ago No Gotta get rid of the smell I'm just like, ehh, can you just leave me alone? I'm just gonna stay the course Stop! Oh, you broke it You can't smoke down here One time, dude, my dad used to get mad when I'd break his cigarettes I am so angry right now Yeah, he would get mad

I want a cigarette so fucking bad You just had one I know Calm down Deep breath Here You know what? I want a cigarette so fucking bad. You just had one. I know calm down Deep breath here. You know it Do the finger laughs ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha These can be replaced. What's in here can't. It's forever. You're going to need yours replaced. Now start this tobacco. Okay.

We have another hit of vape. Good. Good boy. Good boy. Have you seen a video of that kid that has a vape and he's like on his bike and like these older kids like Throw it into the woods and he's like It's like a ten-year-old kid. I have a fear all the time you lose a vape baby And then he has like another one and he's like don't throw this one and then the kids throw it in the forest

You go That's so I don't do that shit. I'm really proud of you for what? You're doing good. You're opening up for Tim Dillon. Oh, thanks. And... What else is he doing? What else am I doing that's good? Podcasts.

I like your podcast. It's called, Can I Go Go? Can I Vape Now? Sorry. Can I go home now? Can I vape now? Can I go home now? I can't even, I can't even look at you without laughing.

You need to relax! We gotta get to Coyote. Here we go. Can I can I go home now? I can't even I can't even look at you without laughing you need to relax We got to get to coyote here's what we're gonna do What what happens tomorrow? Oh, we're doing the park hang tomorrow. What food should I get blueberries meats and strawberries meats and cheeses What kind of meats and you said that like it was some breakthrough like no one's ever thought to bring meat and cheese to a picnic I want to go to the park. I love cherries. I eat bags. I eat a bag Bags is it okay to eat one bag? Yes cherries are good for you eat them. Why is it not good to eat a bag of cherries?

I mean she said she's one sugar so it's a lot of sugar. But you're fine. That's what I'm saying. You're going through a breakup. Treat yourself. It's OK. Be good to yourself. Eat a bag of cherries. Eat a bag of cherries. We should get mangoes. You can get mangoes. I'll bring mangoes.

Mangoes are tough, though, because they have to be. Are you going to grab that neck? Come on. Yeah. I'll grab that neck. Mangoes are hard because they have to be... Are you gonna grab that neck? Come on. You want me to grab that neck? Yeah. Mangos are hard because they have to be right. You know what? I have to move out of my apartment. Why?

Because everything in my apartment was put up by my ex. Can I tell you when I said, I need to get rid of my furniture because my ex picked it all out and she painted my apartment. You go, no, sack up. No, I need to get rid of my furniture because my ex picked it all out and she painted my apartment. You go, no, sack up. No, I didn't. I said, your furniture is hideous. Please do that. You said you'd help me paint the furniture. No, I said we would go to the place on in Williamsburg and get furniture that I would help pick you out. That wasn't hideous.

Yeah. And it's not moving out. You're just yeah, you don't have to. What am I going to do? Unmount my TV? Don't let him win and fucking. Take out my new sink that's put in and just rearrange yourself. Yeah, you're fine. Just be on the road and fucking stay busy. Okay. Don't let him win.

You're right. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Do you know how many damsels are haunting this apartment? Three. Haunting? Like dead? No, like the lingering spirit of what was. I wonder how much sex you've had in your life.

Like how many people? A thousand? Nine hundred. No. How many people have you had sex with? Four. Yeah. Yeah.

I bet it's probably close to 300 for you. Yeah, I don't know. I'm at a hundred They're like 60. That's great. I'm 40. What are you at? Just say no think hard. I don't know Ten a week. Yeah, right one a week for your whole life since your baby one a week this family count? No. And the mic down is so weird. We were going to be blind.

Oh, speaking of having sex with your family, my stepbrother texted me and said I love you and support you. And he sent me love. Everybody knows. That's right. Good. That's great. Are you going to, is something going to come out of your body? No, no.

I feel like you're thinking about your dog so much right now. Yeah. It feels that way. What's wrong with you? Dude, the other day this homeless lady we were boxing... Why do you keep doing this? Because my tailbone's fucked up. This homeless lady... Still? Yeah. I saw a video of a guy fixing a

tailbone. He used to shove his fingers up your ass. I took notes. I don't think that's real. Is it the one where he goes like that? What are you guys watching? No, he goes like he like reaches in and yanks it. I need that. Bend over. I'll do it right now. I'll fucking shove my hand up your ass. Will you crack my tailbone to it? That doesn't hurt anymore. I'll do it right now. Then over the couch. Listen to me. Listen, I'll eat your respect.

This homeless lady, this homeless lady came up to while we were boxing and went like this. And grabs his phone and was looking at it and I went, no, no, no. And then she put it down and walked away. And I was like, oh, she's just crazy. I'm not going to get her. And then she walked away from all of her homeless people stuff.

And a lady walked up to like try and move it. And she came up and was like, don't touch my things. And I was like, oh, oh, so you know. Wow. Dude, a very large woman. Yeah, she was crazy. And and then said, it was like, don't look, but she's trying. She's imitating you. And I was boxing and she was going like this.

I turned back and she was like. And I was like, OK, I'm back on her team. And the other day we were boxing outside and said goes, she goes, OK, don't look right away. But there's a man, there's a serial killer playing flute in his car. And I thought staring at us playing the flute and I thought it was like a meta. Like I thought he would be like taking a sip of water. I turn full ass flute looking staring at us playing the flute and I thought it was like a meta like I thought he would be like taking some water. I turned full ass flute looking right at us.

Really scared me. We were walking and that woman was pushing all that stuff on that walker. And I felt really bad about that. If you did that, I just know it wouldn't have everybody. Listen, yo, that was so great. Don't help my god. He'll take that in. Remember, you always have the story. And then I did this and I got all those pops.

That's what you're literally you going. That's so great. When he tells that story, he'll be like, obviously, Don was freaking out. No, we saw a black lady the other day and she tipped over her cart full of stuff. Yeah, this one was walking with like a walker and she like hit a crack in the sidewalk and flipped over onto it She's like god damn it. Oh, and then I went and I picked up one side and the other side I like was trying to get it, but I couldn't grab both sides I was like and Jordan like looks at the woman and she's like help

I can't help him lift it up and the woman and the one was like, and so me and this lady were like, no, and John was like, how did I get here? Yeah, I couldn't touch it because I have OCD. I can't touch homeless people stuff. But then I lifted it and then she didn't even say thank you. You took a car and walked away. Insane. I was like, I don't know. I wanted to just kick it right back over.

A woman took last night. I was sitting in my rocking lawn chair and I got up to throw something in the trash can down the street and I came back and a woman was sitting in it with her dog and I had a bag next to it and I saw her look in the bag and then take a seat. She was sitting in my chair and I walked by and go, it's a nice night to take a seat, enjoy the weather. And she goes, this your chair. I go, yeah. And she goes, I just got to get something out my foot. I was like, all right. God, the city is off.

They just start picking at her feet. It is awful. And I'm sitting there and I was like, you get your foot taken care of. I got another story. Coyote ran up to a group of like full ass Africans, like Africans sitting down with the hats and everything. And I went, Coyote, leave it. And they all went like this. And I was like, what?

And they're like, he's dead coyote. And I was like, no, our name's coyote. And they're like, oh, that scared me. And I was like, what? That's so kind. He's dead coyote. I was like, where are you? Why are you guys here?

Like what portal did you just fall out of that you land here? He's deadoyote. Like if I say dinosaur, it was like, they're gonna be like, oh, they come. They found us. Yeah, it was really weird. Is that Coyote?

She's like tiny. What portal? Oh, excuse me. They have no shoes on. That was on there. They had no shoes on. The fucking African has blacks, the like yellow eyes.

Is that Coyote? I was like, Jesus Christ. Where are you guys from? shoes on the fucking African has blacks. The like yellow eyes is the coyote. I was like, Jesus Christ, where are you guys? The yellow. Jesus, where are you from? What fucking portal did you crawl out of? Jesus Christ, I'm talking about, though, like there's New York black and then there's like black dude. And I was like, what?

They had like drums and shit, you know, like a snake or something. I'm telling you, it was like a fucking whole scene. Like they were in the wrong place. It is funny for them to be like, that's not like a real coyote though, right? It does aware is my heart We thought it was No, no, that just stepped on that punch, which is so funny. They first fears that are so funny. We thought it was the. I'm telling you, it was it was fucking authentic, dude.

A fish they had this crazy. What is going on? Dickens stuck in a weird part of my underwear. I was beginning to lose circulation. My underwear was cutting off the blood to my cock. I'm telling this story. Ian's like falling out of consciousness because his dick is...

Sorry. I don't know what was happening down there. I'm losing it. I was like sitting on it, kind of, and then it's not under work. You gotta get new shorts. That's like the eighth time you've been like, God, my shorts are strangling my dick. Outside you like just popped a squat. Outside you pulled them up too.

These are my bicycle shorts. Oh, my stomach hurts from laughing. I've had these for like eight years. Oh, my stomach hurts from laughing. These are like eight years. Oh, my God. Just exactly what's going on. Dude, I've had this problem with underwear where the like the vagina parts too skinny, so it goes to one labia or the other. And I feel like choose.

Sounds painful. You never see a pussy. Oh, I see. I see one of those. Stop laughing. Stop laughing. Stop it. He was looking at me like that. He was looking at me with judgment. It doesn't cover both legs. He goes, wait, I've never seen a big pussy before.

And then he goes, I've seen one of those. Listen, listen, we're doing the thing where we run out of oxygen. You do run out of oxygen down here. You start to get high. I know it's like really hot down here. I know. I saw you putting your cold drink secretly on your wrist. It's not a secret. Why would I be secretly? Do I need to tell everyone what I'm doing?

I saw you pushing it, you were holding it. Yeah, you put it on the vein. Why are you wearing a... Stop! Why are you wearing long clothing? Why are you wearing a... Stop! Why are you wearing long clothing? Why are you wearing a thermal in July? I got here because it was like 70 out. I mean it's not thermal weather idiot.

Yeah, but this isn't thermal! It is! This is not thermal. It's waffle print thermal, dummy. 70 degrees gets cold at night, no? You're a pussy. And I knew you were going to get food delivered here, so it was going to be a whole thing. You didn't know that.

Yeah, but I figured something was going to take up your time. Everybody knows Jordan's going to get food. here, so it was gonna be a whole thing. You didn't know that. Yeah, but I figured something was gonna take up your time. Everybody knows Jordan's gonna get food. Not food, but like something. Everybody assumes old JoJo's gonna be... Everybody assumes old fat pussy's gonna be eaten. I'm not saying your food was... There's always gonna be something that holds up the pot. Don't think all that for the breakup, and he goes...

He goes, have you been eating? And I go, yet. No, you would believe. No, put that down every time you get manic. He does that at my house with my switchblade. Knives away, they're only for boxes. Knives out, great pan for Philadelphia. Stop, calm down, we have to calm down. No, no, leave my fat pussy alone.

You don't have fat pussy? Yeah, you do. No, that's just jeans. Just jeans. Oh yeah, yeah, I saw it. Look at it. Puffed everything. No pufferfish. Leave it alone. Leave it alone.

You have huge balls. Welcome back to huge balls and the fat pussy. balls Rock radio clear it If you don't stop my cancer. Stop making noise. I'm going to piss my pants off. Don't fucking hurt him. I'm going to piss my pants off. Don't hurt him. Is that the coyote?

Is that coyote? All right, Ian, you have to tell us about your week because mine has just been sobbing in airports. Is that the coyote? Is that coyote? Oh, all right. Ian, you have to tell us about your week because mine has just been sobbing in airports. No, you know what happened? Dude. So he dumps me on the plane. The plane takes off. I'm, I'm sobbing. I have big sunglasses hat down like this. Coyote starts freaking out, jumps into this dude's lap. He starts holding down the guy or he starts holding her down and petting her

and be like, it's all right, girl. And I was like, is it is it all right? And he's like, yeah, it's going to be OK. And I was like, she just gets scared and sad sometimes. And he's like, yeah, she'll be all right. And then I got off the plane and I was like, we got like, can I get on your lap? I want to do so bad. I want to do so bad. She I was talking to was me.

Yeah. And then he calms her. She I was talking about was me. And then he calms her down and I'm like, you're good with her. And then and then we land in Cleveland. I run into the bathroom sobbing, call John, Tim Dylan picks up Nightmare. And then we get back on the plane. I was like, I just went through a breakup 10 minutes before we took off. And he's like, oh, I am so sorry. And I was like, it's OK. And then he just pets, keeps petting Coyote to be like, I would pet you, but I

can't. And then we get off the plane. He said that he's no, no, you can tell that you can tell that he was like, she'll be okay. And then I know. And then we get off the plane and he comes up and he was like, we'll have a good, and I just hug him. Wow. Holy shit. That is brutal. What did he say? God, I'd ask Delta for a voucher.

He understood. He understood. It was rough. I had X in the ear, me being like, please, can we just talk about it? And then he was like, I'll see you now. And I just drop phone, hug him, then get back out. I'm like, no, please, but we could just try

and be a little bit one more month, please. Good God. And the flight attendants are just seeing that your emotional support animal is not emotionally supporting you Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah They kick her out of the plane. They're like, you're a liar. I know I got a drugger All my stomach hurts from all the cherries all cherries are so good part that way no Here hold on hold on get one out Nothing's gonna come nothing's coming out. Let it listen. That's your belly. Listen when I was in LA. I had so much fun. I patreon obviously

This is gotta be the patreon John's John's Literally icing is really said the other one was a patreon. No, no, no, this one's a black We said we would decide after whatever you want when I was in LA, I... What happened in LA? It's so much fun. I can't believe how much that feels like my father.

Do it again so I can remember. So you sound like your mother. What? So you sound like your mother. What? You sound like your mother. What? You sound like your mother. You sound like your mother. You sound like your mother. You sound like your mother.

Shut the fuck up. Why did he cover my mouth? Yeah, you nailed him. That was it. That happened. I first realized the hand over the mouth reminded me of my father during sex, which was really Nailed him. Nose it. That happened. I first realized the hand over the mouth reminded me of my father during sex, which was really weird because he used to put his hand over my mouth when I would

scream and then when I had sex and he put the hand in my mouth and I was like. And then I had this whole flashback with a penis inside me of my father. Welcome to B&E and that comes like Patreon Punch Up Live. I got to go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home.

I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home.

I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home.

I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I'm out of control. Get it together. One more day.

One more day. Oh my God. OK, what happened in LA? Dude, I had the best time. Every morning I woke up at 8 a.m. naked and jumped in LLC's room. You woke up naked? Did you go to bed naked? Every time I tell people that you're hanging out you go to bed naked? No, I don't have that.

Every time I tell people that you're hanging out with Jason, they're always like... And I'm like, how can you imagine? That's like... Wow, we're buds. Yeah, but I'm just like, what do you... Can you really picture... What?

Well, now... Yeah, yeah. No. No. Well, no, we like finish each other's sentences. It's not weird at all. No, we are. We're in love. No, we're both alcoholics, tattooed lunatics, bisexuals. And it's a isn't he not bisexual anymore? I heard. I don't know. I can't speak for your mom. No, no. Jason Ellis does the pod with Tony Hawk. He's the Australia. Oh, yeah yeah my bad. I can't I can't focus my bad

On me. Yeah this pod. It's totally my fault that I'm like wait. What the fuck are we? Standing his house show the body show show the pod your tattoo that you got. Oh my god. Show the pod your tattoo. Well it's got the Tegaderm on it. Oh my god. When can you take it off? After four to five days.

Just take it off now, who cares? That's like a rough like. Yeah, I know he's such a pussy. It's just a guy who's like maybe, he's a rip ass. It just was like. They are little cherry bombs. So dude, I would wake up, put the coffee on, get naked, hop in the pool, 8 30 in the morning, get out, drink coffee, sunbathe naked, amazing. What do you mean naked? With Jason around? No, he wasn't around. He wasn't around. I had the place of myself. He was not there. He was at the X Games.

They put him up at a hotel in Oxnard. I stayed at his house in Studio City. And then when I got stuck in L.A., I stayed at his house. Him and his chick were there. And that chick's hot. I saw her butt. Yeah. And then I got up and did the naked thing. And then they came out and I was like, oh, sorry, I didn't know you guys were coming out. I didn where's your poopy bottle? I didn't have a poopy bottle. Yeah, you always have poopy bottles. No, I don't. My bottle's very clean, except when it's poopy. Oh, that's just not true. Smell it. That was what I needed.

Smell it right now. Thank you. Smell your asshole right now? Smell the glove. What is that from? Smell tap. Smell tap. I know I know All right, listen John it's not always like this

It's usually how things happen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you go into things, go into things. Is she, you know, yeah. Yeah. Does she protest? Yeah. No. Post. Does she post test? No. Nice. Just take a side. Yeah. You have a side.

Yeah, I guess. Not really, though. Stay on that couch. Yeah, I mean, I got your pussy. You got to keep it moving. All right. Talk about the one thing, you know, your fat pussy.

Every time on stage, if I get weird, I just immediately go to Israel. Palestine. And then go, you guys are too fucking woke. Snowflakes. What are you a little girl you little gay girl? Oh I mean I should have that was right to do I think we all agree I should have hit the wall. All right, John, let's hear it. Give us a. What's your favorite color and why? No, no, no. Tell us. Tell us. I want to remember the Twitter joke that my friend shared with me that was from you

that was really good. Yeah, let's just repeat things on the internet. That's fun. Oh, the change, the change one. That's okay. He's really good on Twitter. Yeah, just read your tweets, Joe. Everybody has to calm down.

We have to calm down. We have to calm down. And what are they shooting? I forgot to bring my... Are you a fucking security guard at Ross? What the hell is that? They're for weightlifting and I forgot to pack my Converse. I knew it.

I get made by them. Holy shit. I knew it. No, I look like a substitute ESL teacher with those. No, they look more like like a water shoe that the guy from Why an ESL teacher, huh did you have an ESL teacher? Teacher you were autism to see

Wait, wait to not help her whatever you do what's like that special I teach you're called People what Help us what they look forward to how do you calm people down? Calm them down. Just let their battery run out. You kind of have to like put them in hold. Yeah, they jump up and down. Does it? Dude, I actually have a good

story. One time this girl's I was. All right, I'll do the setup for the story. I won't feel this girl. You work with like one kid at a time, right? So I'd be with one kid unless it's like a bigger kid That's like aggressive then you'd have to have like two or three on them. There's one kid It was like the end of the day their kid their parents would go

I mean you have to like hold them down. So Like bigger taller fatter like like an ideal Bigger taller fatter, you make it stronger big Like you know when he goes into like the Captain America. Yeah, it's like big. Okay, so like this big They're not like jacked, but they're bigger than you and they're like retarged strength. Yes So I wasn't with this girl but it was like a girl that had like three people on her at a time and at the end of the Oh shit, she's here. Oh, Melinda.

Oh, she's fucking huge, dude. Oh, it's three T. Oh, it's three T. Legally, you can't say the name. But I want to say the name because it's like a name where it's funny. Because it's like Bridget. It's like, my name's Bridget. You know, it's like a young girl.

Is it Bridget? It's Bridget. It's Bridget. Okay, what is it, Gwen? It might Bridget. No, okay. Gwen. Three syllables. Keep going. Amanda.

Malinda. Stephanie. Jessica. Bridget. Melissa. Okay, so this girl, she's an aggressive girl. Aggressive girl, she'd like bite and she'd like throw punches and when she landed one, it's like,

and she, one time, you know, like when you like land on your back as a kid, you'd be like, yeah, yeah. Like she, she punched me in the stomach one time, but that's the side. Okay. So, but she was like huge, right? Two, one syllable name, huge fat, but like huge, right? Two or three syllable name huge fat, but like in all the right places. OK, OK. Yes, you were like one time she was like having like a behavior like she was freaking out, but like we didn't really realize until her mom was there and we

were bringing her out through the parking lot. Well, then she just like a lecture. Yes. Well, we weren't we weren't like there's kids you'd have to like if they're like freaking out You'd have to like keep them in the thing, but this girl was like like the center like the autism center Would you guys are you guys like? You thought I worked in a cage you said you have to keep them in the thing if they're really bad and I think in a building okay, okay Which if you're like a

Okay, really a Motown singer. It's like a cave. I'm in this cage, but it's not like It's like a cake like it's not it's like a building that we I guess you could say with this cow It was a real cage the elephant scenario Cal it was a real cage the elephant scenario I know okay. No, I know it's not the fact that I don't know the band. I Got my Tom Sawyer sucked. What it's a book. Yeah, I fucking know the book You said you was sick in all the right place. Yeah. All right. You're right. That's my bad. She's dumb thick. All right. That's dumb thick.

Wait, did he say dumb? I got it. It was dumb thick. You wheeled her out. So you had to fuck her. That's why she punched you. Oof. All right. I won't get handsy. She punched We didn't realize Come on John you're holding this up This is horrible. This is so bad. AHHHHH Come on John you're holding us up. He said he was a dolly.

He said he was a dolly. He said he was a dolly. He said he was a dolly. He said he was a dolly. He said he was a dolly. I can't even tell what you think is like real and what you think is like whoa really an actual dolly Okay All right. At what point did you throw the fish heads out of the bucket? I thought that she was on a doll. That you move boxes with my back hurts. What, like a straight? We don't have like a straight jacket.

Okay, so you walked around with the cord. We don't wheel her out. We don't bring her to her mom, like, here you take her. You did? No! I just said we don't, and then you went, you did. Listen to what I'm saying. Just a little.

Okay, you bring her to her mother'm saying just a little All right, so we would take her out What happened? What happened? Go ahead, you gotta try and finish it. Alright, so we would take her out At the end of the day We wouldn't like bring her out But like when her mom was there at the end of the day We'd walk her out. We didn't realize she had all this pent up Anger And she was waiting

What do you expect? Okay, alright She's angry, she's retarded, she's fucking huge. Alright, we're all caught up. Angry, retarded, huge. You know him, you love him. You bring him out, you bring her out. You bring her out. Now, coming to the parking lot. You bring her out. You bring her out. Now coming to the

One soldier on each arm you guys have each side of her. I'm not with her. I'm with someone else, right? I just dropped off this kid to his mom. He was fine. He had a good day I drop him off. I see the two people that are with this girl who's like aggressive and big They're walking her out and then I hear ah and her mom is like right here they're here they're like walking it's so close they're like ah get her and she starts she takes off and it's like a busy street she runs off this car like slams on its brakes you hear oh my god she's like running faster than everyone at the place because I'm like the only that's a patron and no one's going to get what you're watching. You'll get that call back or watch. I

Chased her into the street, and I'm like running at her and like all the cars stop I'm like running sprinting at her and then one of the people that was with her who's like this old woman that was with her So she's like can't run. She's like John. She has a big rock I can't run she's like John she has a big rock But I'm not really hearing it cuz I'm just focused on like getting her out of the street And I'm like what and then she's like a big rock And I turn I'm like to hear to hear with her she turns you like this huge like And she like looked at me and I was like I like backed up and The car that slammed on the brakes and it just shatters the window And then after she did that I like pushed her off the street and I like had and I like had there's like a

Hold you do where it's like you put like the arms down and you like put it and then you put like the knee on The hip and I was like in this hole I bet I could get out of it Here like lock the arms and then it's like this, uh-huh I could. Right here. You like lock the arms and then it's like this. Uh huh. Now do you want me to try to get out of it?

Wow, this is hot, this is hot. I'm aroused, I'm aroused. Get off, get off, I'm aroused. I'm aroused. No, no, no, don't touch him. Don't touch him. Leave the boy alone. No, leave the boy alone.

What's that noise? I'm sorry. Leave the boy alone. Leave the boy alone. Leave the boy alone. What the hell did that so fast? Is that what you said? He looks down from on your shoulder at me and goes, oh, the muffins are done. And then you drop him. Oh my god!

What? I'm blonde. I can't breathe. So I'm blonde painting this retarded girl. He looked me in the eye. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This retarded girl It was all chaos I couldn't see I'm dying. What the heck. As soon as the sound started going up. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Holy shit. I'm turning so red. I thought he really knew what the sound was.

I thought he was saying Oh my alarm. But he said, Oh, I'm up, but he said, oh my God. It's a shootout. Okay. So it's fireworks. It's for the time. It's hard.

I can't breathe. He's so high underneath the table. Guns? Duck and Cog. It's a fourth of July, you fucking idiot. I'm dying. I'm dying. John was about to do the whole thing again just in case I got too scared. Alright. So, this girl.

I was like. Things happen get dangerous. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock.

Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. Okay, so then what? So we hit her in the head with a rock. I Alright so you hit her in the head or she hits the guy? She hits the guy Wait hold on so

She throws a rock She- He's over me He's over my head And I think you're gonna do something crazy And then he's like razzled and then suddenly Snaps out of it Oh

I'm like Immediately go Oh no Oh Can you fan me you do that Throws a rock shatters the dude's windshield I Go I pin her to the ground right she's like trying to freak out and like get back in the road I ever on the ground Everyone finally catches up with me as I'm like like she is someone takes her arms I dig her legs and like this other girl like has her back She's like calm down calm down and then as this is happening

I hear the guy get out of his car to talk like everyone's over there So he gets had to talk to another one and he's like what the fuck He doesn't know what's going on Like holy shit Rock is like it hits his window. So he's like my fucking car And a rock is like it hits his window. So he's like my fucking car Sir, it's okay. It's okay. He's like who's insurance? I get and I hear people like saying like I don't know like what I'm I don't know So they're all like talking and her mom like comes over and and then one girl

We're like holding her down one girl like puts her hand like to try to like push like on her shoulder and it slips And it hits the ground right next to her and she just No! No! No! No! She clobbers it and she goes AHHHH! Literally takes like a chunk out and she's like Everyone's like are you okay? And she's like AHHHH! So she's like someone goes and helps her

We have her down for like 40 minutes every single time we like try to, we think she's done. She just like starts freaking out. We hold her back down and there's like a line of cars and eventually just the cops came and they're like, what's going on? And there's like people there like that have worked in the center for like a long time and they think they like know better. They're like, sir, we got this under control.

Even though there's like a line of cars, she's like, sir, we got this under control. Even though there's like a line of cars, she's like, sir, we got this under control. And he's like, it just takes out his handcuffs and a handcuffs her. And she's just like, calm, like sitting. It's like, she was just like, Oh, all right, mommy, I'm good to go. She's just like, oh, all right, mommy, I'm good to go. So that was a crazy story. I mean, hopefully, they're still in the building having that behavior, because then you can just like. Tase them?

What do you do? Well, you can't like close. There's like rules. I don't know. There's like rules they pass. So you can't close the door and lock them in a room if they're like freaking out you have to like be in there too but that's why you have like multiple people like Matt they were like they would like deflect them like towards It has to be a cave. Well, you paint a cave on a wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they think they're running.

And they're like, finally, freedom! They just run into the wall. Why? Where do they go? How do you come in down? Are there drugs you can give them? So dude, OK, they would pass weird laws where you can't close the door.

So what you would do is we would find loopholes to be like, well, you can't close the door. But you can leave the door open and just have a mat in front of the door, but hold the mat. And we would do that all the door. So what you do is like we would find loopholes to be like, well, you can't close the door, but you can like leave the door open. I just have like a mat in front of the door, but like hold the mat. And we would do that all the time. And they'd try to like swing. Dude, it's like, what are you supposed to do? So crazy. How often because you'd have them like do work and they're like autistic.

So they wouldn't want to do work. And then you sit there to work. Like, that's the point of the place. Math, like whatever work they have from school. It's like after school. I mean, it was autism spectrum. So we'd have like one kid who's just like autism spectrum. There was one kid who's like not aggressive,

but like he'd have a cup full of water. And his whole thing was he had to walk to the other side of the room without spilling it. And he'd be like, I was that kid. Oh, spill it me like, oh, his work. So he wouldn't be to make him less retarded seeming just like, like to help out around the house, like if his mom's like his kid, you couldn't want the kid to be.

What is like long term planning for some just make him a little better, I guess. Yeah, honestly, you know what it was? It was just like daycare, basically for like the parent who has to raise like a very vicious autistic kid To like chill for a little bit It's two videos back-to-back of a trucker pulled over in the side of the road Go now Yeah, yeah, you ain't gonna mean it get and go now and turkey And a car just smokes it

Goes to the windshield and then the next video The guys video the guy who hit the turkeys video, and he's like this bro. I just hit a dead turkey with feathers everywhere. What is that have to do with this? It's funny to think about it. Dude, you really like, that question made the gears in his head go... Yeah, yeah. I should call my mom. Mason's really weird. I'm so sweaty. Seeing the turkey jump out of the car. I Wonder what happens? They just you know luckily it's in home sometimes if they're super bad like group home

Or if they're lucky they end up on love on the spectrum. That's if they're really good Yeah, yeah, but that's like super high functioning like you can talk to people and like some of the kids are like Like not even kidding they would find like a weird like I'm a joke Can you believe Also goes boo also even crazier story this gave me go Yeah, that feels great to do Like you'd find like the whale like you My apartment I hear a noise and that becomes my repeater. Oh no

Mm-hmm. Yep, like if I hear a bird be like Well, oh you are retarded So you're saying you hear a bird go Alright so they all right today And it was low-functioning like you work this place in the whole point Was it where there any like there are high- kids? Does it sound like they were functioning? Yeah, there were high functioning kids that like, sometimes they would just have like behavior problems. Like some of them were just like, they'd be like mad.

And then they- God, this autistic kid walked by me today and just, ah! And it scared me right out of my britches, dude. It scared the, right as I walked by him, he was like, ah! Yeah. I was like, holy shit!

It scared me so much. I mean, literally, the whole place was just like a daycare. Like you can't really help them past a certain degree, you know, you can help like some of them. But there's some kids where it's just like, you're like, there's nothing really that's going on there. I don't know what you can't like get it. It's not like you're going to fix them and they'll get a job like.

Yeah, they're just like, really? So, yeah, just take it. Take it from the parents. Literally, that know what you can't like get it. It's not like you're going to fix them and they'll get a job. Like, yeah, they're just like, really? I just take it. Take it from the words. Literally, that's what I'm saying. Oh, only because they would be like, this feels good. But like they won't say, dude, I had this kid. He would always go, I want happy when he's sad. And then he'd start freaking out. That's me. Yeah, that's funny.

That's how I am. That really fucking. Yeah, I want happy now. Wow. This video that just like was counting. It was like one with like a red one, two with like a blue two. And it would go all the way up to like a hundred. And he was like, I want numbers, numbers now. Really? You just watch the numbers. Oh, yeah. He called them numbers. Yeah, but it was like Honestly that kid I liked cuz he would just be like, you know, I mean I liked all of them But it's like I don't want to work with a kid who's gonna swing on me. Yeah, I'd let someone else get beat up

Yeah, you know, do you think you'd be a good autistic father? Well, it's like what does that even? Would mine like get like go to college or like? I think I'd be a good autistic mother. I think I would know you would match the energy too much and then you need to send him to you to someone that like specializes

in it. Yeah, I would do that. OK, then, yeah. My nephew, nephew, my cousin has it, but he does like long division in his head. OK. And he's really smart, but he gets in trouble a lot like the like he went to detention and the the what do they call that? The principal. The principal was like, you're not in trouble. And he goes, actually, I am in trouble and that's why I'm in the office right now.

He's like that. We had a lot of kids like that, too. They could just like they knew, like all the countries in the world and like the capitals. Yes. Joey is like a bro, his dad and Joey one time had to shoot this woodchuck. And he's coming up from the basement with a gun and Nicky just closes the door. And he goes, why, why did you do that? And he goes, because I don't want anything to do with what's going on with you. That's awesome.

Me and Jake stayed at their house recently and Nicky, I see him like just come in, see me and Jake turn on his heels and leave. And I was like, okay, bye. We gotta go, I have to go water my dog. You gotta see this video of the turkey. I'll see it after plugs. Go. You go.

Where are you going to be at? You are on Twitter as my bingy wingy. My frazzled gimp frazzled frazzled my gimp on Twitter. John Henry Kennedy on Instagram and then the Can I Go Home Now podcast with two other people that you guys are gonna be on. Punch up live dot, we're on it. We already did an episode. We're running out of guests.

Oh, we'll do it again. You'll see them there. Punch up live dot com slash Jordan Jensen. Punch up live dot com. Punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen. Punch up dot live slash Ian Finance for all of our tickets and dates. Boo.

We have to go. We have to go.