Bein' Ian With Jordan - Brooklyn Tea Party W/Rosebud Baker & Blair Socci | Bein' Ian with Jordan #195

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

Two of our favorite comics Blair Socci & Rosebud Baker stop by the pod to talk about relationships, being on the spectrum, & what makes them puke. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Save 20% on your first online order at http://lucy.co/FIENDCLUB with promo code FIENDCLUB. -Connect with quality therapists & mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/ian #rulapod #ad Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Follow Rosebud! https://instagram.com/rosebudbaker Follow Blair! https://instagram.com/blairsocci Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bites all through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, Ian. Coffee ice, no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, being in.

And life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live alive. Bein' Ian. With Jordan. Oh, are those mine or yours? What happened last night? Oh. Hey, everybody.

Welcome back to another episode of Beauts. Ian Ian with Jordan. This is Ian and I'm Jordan. That's a fun. Frank. That's Blair and that's Rosebud. Our two esteemed guests today, we're so happy to have you guys here.

Thank you for coming. What's new? Give us the tea. Let's Kiki. Fred, you got to hear since the last time I saw you. I've always been that way. I know.

I love that about you. No, it's great to be back in the clubhouse. Is it the clubhouse? It's whatever you want to be. The Delaware. That 70. Show, why do you have four litter boxes, by the way? I only saw one cat.

Two cats. The one is hiding because you guys have weird energy. Really? And he and the other guy use all three. For each cat, you should have more than one litter box. Is that true? Yes. I never knew that.

Ask me more cat. For each cat, you should have more than one litter box. Yeah, so if you have one cat, you should have two boxes. I have two cats, so I have three. Wait. So cats are multi-bathrooms creatures. What are you talking about? Yeah.

I didn't know this one. Never seen so many goddamn. litter boxes ever per capita in my life. Well, there's a automatic litter box. Self cleaning. Self cleaning. And then they have two

that each of them were trained in, so they go back to that every now and then, and they share the litter robot. Okay. All caught up. Hi, BB. Do you have any other cat questions? Well, I'm looking into getting one. Are you? I'm highly allergic, but I love hairless. I love animals.

Hairless? I'm getting immunized right now. How? Um, by drops. Really? They can do that? Well, it used to be shots for like 100 years and obviously you can't do that with this job and schedule.

Wait, why? Because you have to go every week and it's just like too hard. It fucks you up too. I need to do the shots to be. Because you're like slowly like getting shots of like the thing that makes you allergic. It's like the vaccine. Whoa.

You're getting inoculated. So you're getting inoculated so that you can be around cats. Yeah. I love animals. Me too. But I'm very allergic. And so. I'm taking the drops and then like every three months they give you a new

bottle. When will you be able to own a cat? Who are you doing that through? I need to do it with ragweed because every October I almost kill myself. I thought you didn't smoke. They include that. What's up, dog? She, that was so generous of her.

Yeah, it happens a lot. Yeah. What you should have said is I thought you didn't date black people because ragweed. Sounds like a black guy's name. What? There, got him. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

I don't get that. that one. I don't know ragweed. I'll support it. It sounds like Joe Biden's black friend. It sounds like Joe Biden's back. He's my word. Ragweed used to touch my leg. It literally sounds like Joe Biden's idea of a black guy.

It sounds like Rosemont's his boyfriend. That's not even my name. Sounds like some guy Rosemund used to date. I had to take for black guys. I'm sorry. But it's in L.A. It's an L.A. One black guy should date.

Yeah, I'm like I did one black guy. I thought you know. Oh, really? For some reason I also thought you dated like nine. No, I did it. I didn't. No, I was in one relationship. You have a bit.

I was in one relationship. But you have some bit that's like I'm married to a white guy. It's my first white. Something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There was a bit about it.

Yeah. There was a bit about it. We did some bits. That, I think a lot of people think you're with one type of person. That's like all you're with. Yeah, if you date one black guy. Yeah, white people say that.

Yeah. Yeah. They're like, she loves black dude. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we had our roast That was like the main joke You and I both had for each other

Because we both have an affinity For Black Weiner Yeah you whenever I think about you too I think they have so much in common Yeah And by so much She just used black cock I remember when we met up to do the roast

Though it was like healing Yeah Because we had to talk about like a lot of trauma stuff Yeah yeah yeah Oh my God we talked about our dead God that was such a crazy time When the roast battle like set this city ablaze and everyone would like find the worst thing that ever happened to anyone

and then just put it all of it in the setups for those jokes were so funny oh yeah they were just like i mean they were like the worst setups ever it was like Ian's dad died in a train it was like yeah and it was like great there's just this like long setup of like the worst thing that ever yeah yeah if you cut off the punch lines it would just be like what is this i mean it was really Ian did do the best roast of all time where he kept going after. Oh, Erica Spara. I kept calling her a horse like a hundred different ways.

Yeah, and then at one point I pulled out a carrot and asked her she was hungry. I remember I was there for that. I was there for that. It was great. I wasn't in the roast culture at all. I was before, I came after.

I was in the next class. I didn't. I did 16 of those in a year. And I wrote jokes secretly and I was like, I would never do that on stage. I'd start crying. Oh, yeah, it was fun.

We would all write jokes for each other. And then I said something to you about like, Rosebud's bangs, I think it was like you got your bangs cut the same way your sister died through getting sucked into a whirlpool or something. Yes, because my bangs had been cut so short. Yeah, yeah. Some lady cut my bangs so short at one point that I was like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened. I'm literally, like I have a roast coming up and I look like I only fuck in a cemetery.

Yeah. No, you look like a doll from a horror movie. Yeah, but I think when I hit that, I think I was like, I'm sorry. Like I felt so bad. Yeah, but it was better when it would be friends. Oh, yeah. And then it would be psychotic when you'd see two people who had literally never met,

and it would be go up and say the worst thing anyone has ever said. But those are the people who really wanted to win. That was when it got scary is when they were going up somebody they didn't know, and they'd be like, just give me this point. You'd be like, Jesus Christ. Like, what did we win? Right. I remember, I was.

It was good exercise to, like, write the jokes. Yeah, it was. I went up against the guy that I was dating. and destroyed him so bad That you came all over the stage Did you break up? We eventually did. Well eventually.

Yeah, the judge was like, you are what you eat, Jordan. Remember that? And I was like, it really fucks me up. Right. And you're like, I've never reflected on that. Years ago. When we were driving here,

when we were driving here, you know, it was like, cause so many memories around here. And then we started going through our exes and we just kept looking at each other being like, why is it so dark? Why did they have any light? It's all dark.

It's so dark. Like there's like vast swaths of my life that I've just sort of blacked out. What is that? What are we doing? You just don't know how embarrassed you should be. There's like you're a little fucked up. No, I don't even have that.

I was sober when I started on. She was. She was sober the whole time. I've made all of these mistakes sober. Wow. Yeah. All of this. I only dated one comic.

But you guys all. dated like comics over. I retired a long time ago, but yeah. But I mean, like in the early years, I was like, oh, you guys are so funny. Well, it makes so much sense because you're like, we could go around together and then we can pitch bits and then like you're realizing you're living in hell.

Yeah. So just a necessity. It's proximity. Yeah. You're like so in the like the first half of your career like you're so obsessive like mobbing around doing Mike's shows like every night and then you don't even have air or time for anything else. normal man and they're like you're a monster you know what i mean and you're like yeah i guess i just

have to date male comics because i've no longer qualified as a woman anymore yeah i do not meet the mark i'm like wearing a hoodie down to my ankles every day and haven't showered because i'm doing five mics with usama you know what i mean like yeah you're like i'm just in like didn't usama live in no he had no home he had no warehouse no he lived on girl he would fuck a girl sit stay on their couch good for him wow he truly is a black comment made it work. That was, that's how Phil Duck had survived for like two decades.

I feel like Reggie slept on couches for like his first couple of years. Yeah, Reggie slept on the couch for a while. Conquest? Yeah. Yeah. He's like coming in from Philly. I did. I came in from Long Island. I like was living with a weird boyfriend on the end of Long Island and would take the L.A.R. and sleep on couches and do open mics.

So crazy. So dark. It was so dark. I moved. I used to, I moved in here in 2007 and then moved back. I moved out in 2008 and then moved back in 2012 into the same apartment, but I had to stay on a couch in this basement for like the first three months so I could secure my room again.

I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Fytonz. Hey, how are you? And each week I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head. I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd.

guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got a rip a fart too, bro. Let it lose. Toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? Right. My ramps. So put all the litter boxes back in. Yeah. I just never seen that many litter boxes before. I didn't know that people collect them like that. It's pretty crazy. You know what I mean? I like your litter box collection. No, it's like a museum. Yeah, it's like a, what's the call? Museum? Installation.

Installation. Well, it spreads them out so they're not using one and they get too full. I love that. That's so interesting. You have to think about that. Really? Don't, your yes are really judgeful. We don't have children, okay?

Tearing me down. I can't believe you actually saw through that. I felt like I was doing a really good job. No. Really? Sharpen your knives. Okay. I could.

You say so much without saying any, like, I can literally, when, I can literally know what she's thinking across the country is how strong that she comes off. It's a bad vibe. It's a bad vibe. I try. I really try to, like, hide it, but it's not good. Whenever I walk into a room, it's like, if I'm upset, it feels like a fucking hive of bees is in my stomach.

Yeah. Like, if I look, I seem insane. It was funny when you were pregnant, though, because you would be, like, angry hot girl with then a giant pregnant belly. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? So nice of you. By the end, I was a fucking disgusting cow,

but thank you for saying. No, you were not, but it's funny to have angry girl attached his big pregnant belly. I was. It was all the way. She lost, when you had the baby, though,

you lost like 40 pounds in two days. It was crazy. How did you do that? Because it was all water. Like, if you pressed into my ankle, it was like a temperate matress. It was fucking disgusting. Why the ankle?

It should have five minutes for my fucking, because all of the bloods. You know, there wasn't anywhere for it to go. You put, like, to try and, like, drain it? Yeah. Yeah, I would try to do that, but then it didn't do anything. I was just like, I was just like a fucking round. I was just a circle-shaped person.

Just tell me if I should have kids, yes or no, just off the dome. I ask her this every day. And then do me next. No. And I'm, no. But don't judge us as people. But I am. Okay, okay, okay.

What about in a little while? Should Blair have kids? I don't think you actually, uh, I'm really, I'm so tired. That's a huge what I think. Yeah, you're very, very tired. I'm like the most tired person in a line. Yeah, anybody, I just... You said that at the wedding, too.

Can I just say, like, I think that honestly, it is such a massive adjustment that I just am like, it's just... Michelle Wolf was like, I have two lives, one before and one now. They're both good, but they are not the same. No, it's like... You're not. Your kid that seems like a whole ass...

She's awesome. Hey, she's fucking awesome. It was scary the other day at the cellar when you're like, where is she? And it's like, what? Yeah. She just running around. Yeah.

How do you not, like, lose your mind all the time? She's so smart. I feel like I have I don't feel like sane ever Andy posted a video of her recently that I watched like I mean like 15 times of her just doing something so funny I forget what it was but it was so she's like hilarious do you want kid Jordan I don't know yeah I know that's how I feel I always thought I did and now like the reality of it I'm like I just don't know I was I was like I was I was like I don't know But I think I wanted it more than I didn't want it.

And I really wanted to like experience it. I wanted to be experiencing. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I'm really glad I did it. I'm really glad I did it. But I just heard about this couple that live by my friend in like Arrowhead and they're like this 75

year old couple and they like rock climb and they have no kids and they seem very happy. So when I hear that, I'm like, okay, maybe no kids. But then sometimes I see a kid and I'm like, sometimes I realize my love for my dog is like if that was that, if I had a kid there instead of a dog, it would be so sick. But I worry, you know what I mean? You know, you had the dog thing. Yeah, yeah. The way I think about my cats and worry and wonder about them, I'm like, if I'm like this with like a cat, I would be a psycho with a kid.

I used to always be like, no kids, no kids, no kids. But now I feel like my ovaries are bursting. And I'm like, I don't know if I want a kid so much as I want like a family unit. And like that's, you were like the road. I want to take the family on the road. The idea of you having a kid is so. scary but it would be so good for you. Why? Because you would be able to

do all of the reparenting stuff. You'd be the dad that you didn't have. It would be like you'd be crying all the time. You would cry all the time. You would cry so much. You would cry so much. Yeah, that's a reason to not smoke so much for sure. That doesn't have anything to do with it. No, it does. I not. No, you can smoke right. You can smoke on your baby. Right on them. Make the kid cool. You can smoke right on your baby. He'll die. You'll die. You'll die. No. Yes. Two.

packs a day my dad 58 dead i'm not at two packs of there's not enough room for kids with the litter boxes you know yeah drop the litter boxes or take off the sunglasses one or the other i can't take them no back on these are prescription are they yeah i've always wanted prescription sunglasses i keep thinking you guys are going to take off your sunglasses and have like the deep horrible circles and look like shit and that's why you have them yeah you guys look like beautiful and dewy with like why are you covering yourself didn't you think that they take it all Often. Although the way your hair looks at the hat, it does look like the hair's attached to the

I got a perm and it ruined my hair. Did it? Let's see. Yeah. It looks cool. I bet it looks great. No, you can see it. Her threads, her whole threads feed is like, there's like 26 tweets about a fucking

about her perm. Really? I'm about to follow Dane Cook with a perm. She's like, the perm was a bad idea, folks. You guys have to get to a Mets game. Right. I did not. No, it got pushed back for the rain.

Why? Thank God. Oh, is it raining? Claire didn't want to go. Who were they playing? I was like two podcasts a day. I can't go to a baseball game. What are you guys promoting?

What is this? Nothing. Why are you guys here? Why did you say two podcasts a day? Oh, I'm just here for a few days. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you didn't want to face this alone. I have a book coming out, though.

No, I was facing you alone and he said, do you want to bring Rosebud? I said, sure, I'd love to bring Rosebud. Yeah. I like more than married. It's much better, too, against two. Yeah. It's a little scary. Yeah.

I actually had a really lovely time in the last. time I was with you guys. That was nice. We laughed a lot. Yeah, we did. And I think that you were a lot of time, and this was like almost two years ago, and you kept joking that you want to have sex with Jordan. Is that still a thing or no?

That was always a joke. Okay. But it is funny. She just leaned away even further. Yeah. It is funny. She took a really big tip of her coffee. The only, the only comic or friend that has never had sex with you.

Okay. That is a gnarly statement. Yeah. The only. I never had sex with you. Either of them. Yeah, and there's like 40,000 comedians now.

Guy. Guy. I've had sex with five comics. Eight pops. Cut this too. No, no, no, no, don't cut that.

So you guys are going to the Mets game? Jordan, Jordan, okay, so I did just see your movie. You were great in it. I really enjoyed it. Have any, like, famous dudes slid on yours DMs? That's a great question.

Channing Tatum started following me. You follow me now. Yeah? And you're like, you have a million more followers to me. He's never liked anything, though. I did DM him and ask him to do my podcast, and we had two back exchanged.

What do you say? But has anyone hit on you, like, asked you out, like, now that you're... Yeah, there had been any big guys. Oh, like big names? No, no, no, not big names. Freaks, many are a freak. But no, like, famous people.

Oh, there's been musicians. Yeah, musicians. Oh, yeah, musicians. I bet they love you. Billy Joel. Musicians are a good call. I love this dog. If you can, fuck a drummer.

I've already been... Why a drummer? Because they're in shape. They're in shape and they have rhythm and they just fuck well. And they don't need to be the front man. Nobody ever wants to fuck a bassist. No. I don't mind a bassist.

A bassist just sort of, I would imagine a basist is like a solid fuck but doesn't really. But a basis knows how to keep the rhythm. I feel like a lot of girls lesbians like girl basis because they're cool. Yeah. But they do know how to slap into base. Oh my God. Right. I feel like a bassist is like if you're about to come, if you're about to come and you say

I'm going to come. A bassist isn't going to switch it up at the last minute. Yeah, that's true. No, the bass is going to keep being like, the drummer will. The drummer will get excited and everything will go out the window. The drummer will be like, I'm like, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe you that you do that. Yeah.

I don't do that. I've done it. Did you hear that the lead singer of Turnstiles, Turnstall's guitarist, tried to kill. Yeah, it's crazy. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it's sad. Tried to kill his what? Just this bit of...

Wait, am I gonna regret asking? This band that got really big, their ex-gatars got kicked out of the band and he has been on a campaign to like make the band's life hell and it just kept getting worse and worse and then recently he took a car and hit the lead singer's father with the car.

Father? Turnstile? Yeah. Father? I just heard about this band. That's some like mobster shit, like going out of the car. Yeah, it's so sad.

Instead of, like, taking his ass, they go after a family member? And the sad thing is, he's super talented, and he had a new band that came out, and then he burned that bridge, ruined it. And it's like, I don't know if I could speak on what it is, but it just seems...

Doesn't it seem like he's actually kind of hardcore, and then the lead singer of turnstiles a little bit more of a... Running over someone's dad isn't hard core. I know, but what are you talking about? I don't think it's hardcore, but... It's like evil shit behavior. No, no, no, no.

But I feel like he might be, like, from... might be, have, like, been a super hardcore guy. No, he's like a crackhead. Oh, is he a crackhead? And he's like acting out. No, but he's like, you know, which? You guys watched that Lamar documentary, huh?

No, I didn't watch it. I watched it. Who is Lamar? Lamar Odom. Oh. Yeah. Former six men, NBA, six man of the year. He played on the Lakers.

Yeah. I am a sports guy. Before he got traded in Dallas, things went downhill. Fort Ploy was really hiding a lot. Yeah. That family rips apart black men. more than the United States justice system. Okay, this isn't Rose Battle, but...

But I feel like Chloe really stood by him. The way you, like, sweat through that was really crazy. I was like, where's this going? Where's this going? I think I knew exactly where it would be the second you open your mouth. What? I thought you were going to bring Rosebud's love for black men. Yeah, no, when you said black guys, I was like, this can go so many ways.

No, no, no. Stop looking at me, Swan. Come on. Come on. Up. What? I don't know. We got lost.

But yeah, basically Lamar Odom, there was a documentary that came out about him. He's a drug addict. It's a miracle he's alive. Basically, you know, like...

He was dead, like legally dead. Yeah, like... Whoa. It's like that whole old thing about, like, God takes care of babies and drunks and addicts or whatever. You ever heard that?

That's why you keep... They say, like, God keeps alive babies and drunks, which is like... Anybody that I know who's like a... crazy drug addict you look at them and you go like how the fuck are you still alive that's why you like keith richards yeah what like keith richards you know ian was on a bus that got set on fire i mean that got

lit on fire what how bert Kreischer's bus someone lit it on fire wait you guys were on the bus when it happened like arson the bus blew a tire and it popped off the rim and then we had to switch buses but the original bus we were caught on fire the next morning and if the if the if the if the tire didn't pop, we would have still been on the bus when it exploded. Wait, how? It was electrical. Dude, that's so scary. There's an electrical phone.

That's so fucking weird. I thought I could smoke on the bus, okay? The amount of people to ask me that. Was it did he in? I use Kleenex as an ashtray. I'm sorry. What do you want from me? Yeah.

We're going 80 miles an hour down the road. They won't stop. I'm going to rip them. Before asking if you were okay, was like, was he smoking on the bus? Yeah. Want to see something? Is this cigarette? Yeah.

Dude. I have these in my purse. I had my first cigarette this summer. Should we all have one? Yeah. Do you want one? No, no, no, no. Let's do it.

No, no, no. No, no. I'm going to do it. If Jordan, I'll stand by her. Don't do it. Certainly don't do it. She's the co-owner of the podcast. No.

Don't. But I, so I had my first cigarette this summer. I have to wash all my clothes, my osse. No, your hair. It's a democracy. No, I'm not okay with it. You know what I do. It's disgusting.

It's disgusting. It's disgusting. I put Marlboro Reds in this new port back. Don't, Ian, don't. I'll fucking walk out and leave. I swear to God. Is that all it takes? Ian, Ian, I'm not.

I'm edging you. I said Will Arnett, and that was it. And David Tell. Yeah. Not these hos. What? I love you both. Oh, that's okay.

We didn't need to smoke in a very confined area. It's so, you grew up poor, you can't do this. No, if you grew up and this. Well, neither of us grew up poor. Really? Oh. Fuck. Yeah.

I just, what was it like having Will or not walk down those stairs? It was insane. I loved him. Oh my God, this is so incredible. Yeah, we could probably get some water bottles. Do you like that? I love this. There's nothing I love more than a huge fucking drink.

I hate a small drink. Can I hear something? You're a big drink girl. You're L.A. How many key chains you got? None. Really? No, I don't like to be jingled jangling.

Oh, that's great. I ride real smooth and light. But I love a huge drink. You got a clean car with a biggie Stanley. I do, but I don't bring the family around too much. You know, it's a lot of cleaning. You got a big cup in the thing. Yeah, and, like, I will go back to a restaurant.

Like, there's this Mexican restaurant when they have huge drinks like that. And that's why I go back. I love a huge drink. I get it. When they, in L.A., when they serve these little tiny ones like this, like, you know, they're trying to be aesthetic and chic, and it just makes me angry. Yeah. Because I'm like, I'm going to refill this 20 times.

And it feels like you're at a movie theater where they're like, here's your Dixie cup. Go ahead. Question. What's up? As women. I love when it starts like that. What's it feel like? To be a comedian.

To be a comedian. That's a slur. The word comedian is a slur. In a male drenched world. Wow. Wait, is that really who you guys all have gout. And we just sort of. As women, three, that seem intelligent and attractive.

What is your opinion on my body? My belly. Stand up. Stand up. No. It's skinny. No. No.

No. What do you think about tap water? No, please tell me that's how we're going to ask. That's what I really want to do. Yeah. Yeah. We're all fine with tap water in New York. We're not anywhere else.

I drink it for three straight years or like four years without even thinking about it in L.A. Because I was used to New York. Is that why you're now autistic? Hi. I'm doing an ad read from Omaha, Nebraska, and I know I look like I know nothing about it. I'm going to talk to you about mental health. My hair's a mess, but my life is not.

Because I go to therapy, and I do the work. It's very hard. Canceled my appointment the other day, but I was busy. Things came up. Oh, no, things are falling apart, so I better go back to therapy. If you're done taking mental health advice from TikTok, maybe it's time you get mental health advice,

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Can we talk about that? Sure. You are diagnosed autistic. Yeah. And did that tie a bunch of puzzle? pieces together for you. Speaking of puzzles. You got a few here.

We're going to time you. No, but like I would have, I was always like a very social popular kid. Like I would have never ever thought I had autism in a million years. What made you get checked? Well, it first started out is that people kept coming up to me in audiences after shows being like, I have autism. Do you have autism? And I was like, what do you see? I was like, what the fuck are they seeing?

You know? Yeah. And obviously I'm a maniac on stage, but I was just like, I don't understand this. And then after a while, like, I started, and I've always had, like, hardcore sensory issues. She sleeps with, like, every hole plugged. I'm talking about this on stage. In her nose and her ears. She's all my holes.

She's in the belly button? No, my belly button. All the above neck holes, but I say I plug all my holes. But not the lower holes. Well, sometimes. But last night she came back. Like I left a little earlier because I had to wake up earlier. And I came out with all my gear on.

And she just started laughing in my face. I was like, you look fucking. What do you got over the ear? I've got the wax earplugs that are like made for to seal out water for like little children. She had ear wax in. She had her fucking eye mask on. She had mouth guard. I have mouth guard.

She had her period underwear pulled up. to like here. I could stop talking about period underwear. And I was like, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen. Well, why do you plug your nose up?

I don't plug my nose up. How would I breathe in? That's a hole. No, because I need some, I need some hole. Why do you mouth tape? Um, so that I breathe out of my nose. Yeah, and you have a deeper sleep.

I'm trying to, I need to mouth tape, but I'm zinning so much. It sucks, but I'm trying to do it. It also like is better for your jawline and your like health and you sleep a lot. You get REM access easier. I snores. Bobby,

Kelly started mouth taping and his face like changed into a handsome young. Yeah, I'm just such a shitty sleeper. Doesn't the mouth tape rip your skin off when you take it off the morning? No, they have like, they've made incredible strides. Not for mustachees. Oh, yeah. I don't know how you would even do that. Yeah.

Put a sock in your mouth. Yeah. Wait, if somebody snores and I tape their mouth shut, will they die or will it be okay? I don't know. I think they might die. It depends on if they... You sound like you're like on your way to being like nickname like the Black Widow. Yeah, you've got like a plan.

I'm just asking for a friend. You're like, hey, I'm just curious. Yeah. Are you feeling it out? Do you have a snore bothering you? God, that's hard. It's not bad. On the side, it's fine, but when it goes, when it, when it's, wait somebody, is it somebody?

Does that mean they need a CPAP? How long have you been sleeping next to this person? Three months? Three months? Mm. Does it wake them up? Or does he wake you up? No, no, no.

It's never crazy. It's like I stay up until 4 a.m. He's fully asleep. It's a light. Yeah. It's just because I am awake. Are you a bad sleeper? Am I a bad sleeper?

I would say yes. I'm a horrible sleeper. I haven't since birth, obviously. New information is shedding away. I'm a fucking great sleeper. I wish X wasn't so addicted. I sleep pretty good, but I wake up to pee a lot. That's the one thing I would be addicted to.

I love Xanax more than I do. I've had to, so my chick is a light sleeper and I have to get that thing in your nose. It spreads your nostrils. Bro, you snore so fucking loud to say that somebody's a light sleeper is so disrespectful. You fart in your sleep and you snore so well. And you eat candy in the middle of the night, which I also did too. I love candy. I also love it.

Yeah, we're like such candy for you. Yeah, I get up in the middle of the night. Yeah. Same. Yeah. I gorge candy or peanut butter. Dude, I love to have like a twix in the fucking freezer. Dude.

Or like a Reese's peanut butter cup. Yeah. But I'm at the point where I'm trying to do everything I can't accept get a sleep apnea machine for my. Why not? And you need one? Why don't you get one? I don't know. I haven't been tested.

And I don't know if I should get tested for autism or just go, there's something there. You should be tested for your sleep if you're sleepy all the time. Have you gotten a sleep test? No, I should. They might, you might. Let's not start her on another testing thing. Wait, yeah. How long did the autism test?

What did they ask you? Well, so I went to this lady and I was evaluated once a week for eight weeks and for ADHD to. And, um. What? And they go through, like, all the different, your entire life, like ages. Come on, man. That was the dog. That's going to be so bad.

No, it's not. That was the dog. Are you fumigating us? Did you just fart? Did you just fart? I did. I did. And I'm sorry.

You can't do that. Okay? You can't. I can't. The way you just switched it up. She's going to throw up. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

She's not going to get to her. You just, yeah, it is going to get to her. I can tell. Jeff R. Carey did this podcast. And his, wasn't it your farting? Was making him, no, no, no, no. You, we were talking about, remember drinking from the cup. I will hold my hand out.

You can do it in my hand. I'm waiting. You can do it in my hand. I'm going to tell you for you, ladies, it's not a bad one. It's not. You made it sound so sinister. I know, it has the potential. Oh.

And it could have been. Like on the back end. It was mostly air. It was mostly air. Thank you. I'll literally, I'll hold out the hood of my hood. And I was vomiting out the window. What did you tell me the other day, like, that was so gross that if I saw it, I would have thrown up?

Minow throwing up in the cab? Oh, yeah. Ew, when babies puke up the milk, I feel. Dude, she fucking threw up in the cab. She was like, she was literally eating fruit snacks and saying like my stomach hurts. And I was like, does your stomach hurt? I was like, because you're eating the fruit snacks.

And she goes, wha. And she just, like, as she was putting one in her mouth, threw it up into my hand. And I was like holding my hands out. Just catching her barf in my hands. So tiny to have a baby. Never mind. I don't think.

I should have kids. Oh, my God. But it's, you know, what's weird is like, I never even once went like, ew, gross. I never even thought gross. She doesn't let you, I don't think. I don't even, I mean, honestly, I was like, I'll scoop it up with it. I don't give a, I'll wipe it on my fucking.

That's how I am with coyote. I'll pull poop right out of her butt if it's stuff. Yeah. She's my baby. I'm like, I pulled the whole tampon out of her ass the other day. String first, crazy. Ew. Craziest thing.

I'll show you the video. No, but I mean. Why is it on video? You filmed it? Well, of course. Of course she had to go string first. That's the whole point of string. Wait, because she ate a tampon?

Yeah. She ate a tampon? She ate a tampon? Who's tampon? Yours? Full of blood. That's so bad for her belly. Yeah, no shit.

And she was like, she was pooping or diarrhea. It was getting a little bit better. And I was like, I still feel like you got to pass something. And then she's got a little string. I tug the end of it. Hold tampon. She's going to throw up. I'm not going to throw up.

We have a barf bucket. No, I don't want to throw up here. I don't want to throw up here. I'm not going to throw up, but I am feeling gnarly. If I would never allow you. Wait, what's grossing you out? The poop? No.

The blood, the tampon, the bar, all of it. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. It's probably pretty much everything we've talked about for the last five minutes. I would never actually throw up because I wouldn't allow it, but it gets in there. It's like, it's hard. Challenge. Oh. No, you don't fucking try this.

You won't win this. I'll tell you, I did a snot rocket the other day and coyote ate it. Really? Yeah, that doesn't affect me. What? That's the thing that gets me. I don't know their brothers. They'll snotted on me.

What else gets you? Um, like, it, like I get gagging. Like a dog eating a bloody tampon and shitting it out and then pulling it out. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Show the video. Slowly. Sorry.

And guess what? Did it go? Blair. Did it go? Blair, there was a whole casing. There was a whole casing of poop around it. Like it had, yeah, yeah. Like it had been slightly decomposed, so there was poop surround.

It was a poop shaped tampon. It was a, it was a tampon. She's going to barf. I'm scared she's going to barf. Long string of poop. Whoa. What questions did they ask you on the autism test? Anyways, when I see my old period, I gag.

That is really self-hating. No, it's not. I see my blood and I'm like. It's not a hate thing at all. Blood makes you? It's not a, I don't think blood is gross. It's like a visceral. It's not a context.

I have that with fainting. Like, oh, sorry. When I watch the pit and they like I just can't watch those crazy scenes. No, I faint constantly, but I don't barf. You barf. I don't, I try not to barf even though it once in a while happens. But like blood, like puke, you know. Tampons out of a dog's hand.

Please tell us a couple questions from the autism test because I've really been wanting to know for a long time. It's a long test, right? And then after that, can you tell us how it made you feel better finding this out? Like, did it connect? Like, I'm not. No. trying to be funny. I'm like genuinely like interested in happy.

I was there when she found out. Really? Yeah, I cried. Yeah. Did you have to pee on a strip? I cried. No, I cried because I was like, fuck, I don't need this. I like, I was just, last year was a year.

It was really gnarly. I was sobbing at so many things that were ready. You two are two of the only people that have created posts that I have cried out. That is crazy and you're on the same couch. Oh, really? I never cried anything. I cried at yours and I cried at yours. Yeah.

It was heavy shit. Your brother and your miscarriage. Yeah. Cried. Oh, really? Isn't that crazy? Got my ass so good.

Both of you. Yeah, it was just so heavy and I was like, I was just like not ready to accept it and stuff. And it's just so, and it's funny too because everyone's like, oh, everybody wants autism these days. And like my whole set,

I'm talking about it right now. I was like, no. What? Why? But how does it manifest itself? for you? Well, there's a lot of things that I had no idea because, again, my perception of what I thought autism was

like, I would never think that I had it. Like, you know, and anyone who's known me my whole life would I ever think that. But then there's, because it also presents in women so differently and most women don't get diagnosed until their 30s, 40s, 50s because like when they see a little boy that's like weird lighting up cars or like

shy or something, they're like, oh, something's off with that little boy. But with the girl, they're like, oh, she's just shy and they don't look into it or anything like that. And then, women are like are more naturally socialized to adapt to everyone around them and men aren't as much, you know? Yeah, I had a whole bit about this where we mask better than them. They don't know how to pretend to be a person. Yeah.

Dude, Luke Bonas is such a funny joke where he's like, love on the spectrum is so funny because you watch these guys and girls have autism and they'll be on a date and the guy's like, and then the girl just has to stop having autism. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. That's a great bit. That is so good.

It's so funny. I haven't watched it because everyone messages me being like, Hey, you're going to go on love on the spectrum? Like everyone says, it's one of the best shows ever created and it's so true. Everyone says it's so sweet. It seems like they should all go to jail. Really?

The producers and it's so good. It's made me feel a lot better about myself. Just in like recognizing things to be like, oh, maybe I, there's something. That explains it. I do that. Well, a lot of the things like. I would have never known, like, for our entire friendship, we couldn't, like, figure it out for me being, having a high IQ and getting, like, really good grades and all this stuff, like, I could never tell when someone's lying.

Because I don't lie. And, like, I had all their brothers. I've had every, I've been pranked, like, everything. I've had quite a lot of life experience. And then, like, cheating. Oh, yeah, it's, like, taking something totally literal. I'm so literal. Yes.

And it's worse if I don't know the people, obviously, because I don't have patterns to go off of. She would call me and she'd be like, well, so-and-so said this. And I'd be like, she'd be like, are you fucking kidding you that you believe that? She's like, people lie. Because like, I don't lie also, you know, which is very weird. But it's because I don't assume. Or like, if I say I'm going to do something, I always do it.

Yeah. If I say I'm not going to do it, I don't do it. Like it's, you know, like, and I get really confused that the rest of the world doesn't operate that way at all. It is a thing of like Never do anything I say I'm going to do. There is. I say I'm going to do everything and I do none of it.

It sucks. There is a thing where it's like autistic people are almost like perfect being. Little angels. Little angels. I'm far from perfect. You're kind of a little angel. What? You think?

Yeah. I don't think that about myself. You're my most. What? You're my most innocent friend. You're my most like innocent. What do I big lie about you? For sure.

Thank you. Tell me a big lie. We're having two conversations. You do big lies? Don't crush my dog. Big lie. You'll be like, get your face away from my face. I thought it was going to be a secret.

She just said I'm her most innocent friend. Oh, yeah. That's really sweet. I never said I was innocent. I do think now knowing, I would have never thought I had autism. But I do think now the people I do know that are autistic are kind of sweet people. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why I'm autistic. Who do I know that has autism? Who do we know that has autism? Everyone we know. I always thought you're a very, sweetie. We were talking, we were talking about how we first started at two o's. I was like, what was that freaky-ass cave place where we first started comedy in the village? 206 lounge, across the street from village.

And they're like in that like four foot tall cave. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. There'd be like five people in there that we'd bark all night to get there. Oh my God. Me and Reggie used to stand in the back and mouth all of Tom Cassidy's jokes. Yes.

You and me used to sit on the. fucking mailboxes outside. We'd sit on top of the mailboxes. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. That was so fun. It was fun. Oh my God.

Saw a redgy last night. We didn't even know how miserable we should have been. No. I was teaching at the time. We were less miserable then. I mean, I think it's less miserable when you're doing that. Yeah. I'm on way way up.

Yeah. You know what's like a drug at first. And you're hanging out with your buddies. It's like a social hang all the time. But it's not a forced social hang. Like now if you're at the cellar and you don't want to socialize, you're just in purgatory. I know.

You're like, people are like, like what's up and they sit at the booth and you're like bro please for the love of fucking god who specifically all of them everybody i do it i'll sit down and be like what's up and i'm like oh you want to be alone today we know who does it we know who does it yeah yeah it can be rough but the open my thing was like you'd show up if you wanted to socialize got all your socializing in went to your miserable job that you had to do and then got to like have i would i would teach and be so miserable and angry and upset there's so much shit on me for from that big cigarette that I was swimming.

Oh, the foam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the stuffing that, like, comes out of it. No, I think about that. It's not meant to be smacked against a wall to stop someone from vomiting.

Yeah, like you guys were actively trying to make me barf on this podcast. What were we talking about? I barfed on the podcast because Jeremiah has spit in my mouth. Really? Yeah, also because you smelled something bad. Why did you let him? Did he give you money? I didn't know that standing up on the spot,

you couldn't do written material, and I did stand up on the spot destroyed with all material, had no idea. I was like, oh, that pertains to a bit, that pertains to a bit, just said the bits. And then he told me after, and I felt so humiliated that I was like, I need you to spit my mouth to make me feel better. And then he did, and it was cold when it got to my mouth,

which I wasn't expecting. It was, it was, it was like a balloon loogie. It was frothy. Like big, ew, ew. Big white from far away. I was picturing sex spit, where it's like wet and clear. This, it was a frothy. Oh, it, yeah.

It was like latte-foam. It was honestly like probably this, like the size of a thumb. And then Ian got super pissed. Why would you say that to make you feel better? What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know. You're like, what is wrong with you? No.

Well, we're learning and more king. That was the first suggestion was do you want to spit my mouth? Holy crap, crazy. Is this guy hot? No. Snorman, not that man. Who? The snor.

We had a separate thing about the guy. No, the guy that she was. I'll tell you it is. Oh, okay. I'll tell you what it is. Is it a comic? X.

Yeah, you're going to be like, X comic. In a good way? Yeah. Does he have apps? It's funny. Yeah, it's funny.

Does he have abs? Yeah, yeah, he's all this stuff. Yes. I love that. And he's all this stuff. Yeah. Big old hog.

Oh, I love that. Yeah. Oh my God. I love what a gal got to hammer. A lot of these guys not walking around with those, huh? It's crazy. Yeah, that sucks.

Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Look, I'm just relieved, okay? They still exist. It's just not in New York. Nobody has huge hogs in New York.

They live in Ireland. In Brooklyn, they do. Ian, you're sitting with your leg spread with zero bold. Because it's so fat. Yeah, we can see your vagina. You're literally showing your vagina. Oh, my God. We can see your whole pussy.

Yeah. Put your fucking pussy away, by the way, you fucking black whore and fucking size queen. Put your fucking pussy. Put your fucking pussy. You're disgusting whore. Are you guys size queens even though you're little? Yeah, no, Steph is a size queen.

She's tiny. I'm not really a size queen. I'm not little. I'm a horrible size queen. I'm not a size queen. I need pain in order to enjoy it. It can't just be like, okay, okay, great, great, great, great, great.

Thank you, boy. Wow. Thank God. Welcome back to another episode of Hoar Island. It has to be scary. But I, but, you know, from the last time, it's like, I don't, I'm not a casual sex guy. Me either.

Never. I am. That's so awesome. You are not. Yes, I am. You are not. You are always in a relationship. Blair, you don't know who I fuck.

I don't tell you everybody that I fuck. Oh my God. Whoa. Let's spill that tea. Or is it too hot? No. I mean, there's not, there's nothing. There's no tea to spill right now.

But you'll fuck. You'll fuck Randos? Wait, why are you trying to act like you're just tossing it around fucking everywhere? I just said I'm not fucking anybody. Yeah, put your vagina away, Rosie. Just turned into me and you like, you don't know everyone I fuck. You don't. Do you think that you do?

What is this about? What are you talking about? Are you acting all tough right now? You do know everyone I fuck. Just you know, you know everyone. I know. And I know everything. How big they are.

You Gail knows, too. I call your mom. Do you remember? I was like, that's why she's limping. Are you acting all tough right now? I'm not. Oh my god. What?

What? That was so threatening. No, I'm just saying you, I don't, you don't know everyone that I fuck. You mean fuck as in right now or before you knew me? No. No, as in like before Andy. Yeah. Yeah.

There's nobody. You make it sound like right now, you said present tense. Yeah, well, I am more of a casual fucker. I can have casual sex. I mean, everyone's a more a casual fucker than me. I don't fuck casually at all. I don't ever, I never have. The only time I've done it is when I'm trying to get back at an ex

and then I forget that I don't have a fucking ring cam in my vagina. I'm not attracted to someone unless I'm emotionally attracted to them. I don't think sex is good unless I'm emotionally attracted to somebody. But that doesn't mean that I'm agreed. I don't want someone's appendage inside me if I don't. I just want love and marriage and. commitment forever, so there's no point in fucking a rando. Yeah, I don't, I don't want.

Don't get married. Don't get married? Don't get married? I want to get married so bad. I wouldn't. But how do you get married with this life, though? Like, why? It's just not, you don't have to do it.

I just don't get. Is it bad? God, Instagram makes everything seem so fine. It's, I, yeah, no, it's not good. I mean, well, you know that we're getting divorced. What? Did you know? I did know it.

but I do not know that he could bring it up. Oh, he's talking about it on his podcast. Really? I didn't not sense it. Well, hey, let's bring it back to a couple minutes ago and spill that tea. Yeah, spill the tea. There's really no tea to spill. We got separated in October and then...

This is definitely tap. Decided to... Is it? You want some mouth? Her little face is gone. What some mountain water? She's drinking it like this. She's so cute.

Do you want mountain water? Oh, that's very. All right. I'll just keep drinking this delicious tap water. Thank you so much. Can I have a little sip? We're going to get water bottles. I have something to share.

Everybody is gone. Okay. Shakeups. That is tap, for sure. Jacobs. No one's there anymore. Crazy. It tastes like there's sodium in it or something.

Anyway, the tea, yeah. We got separated in October and then we decided we were going to get divorced because we were happier. Separated. Living in separate apartments? Yeah. Living in separate apartments. I stayed.

He left. You decided you were happier. Both of us. Him too? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I think, but that's, when we got separated, I was like, you know, I think that right now,

like, it's sad. I was like, but I think if both of us talk about this in the next, like, four weeks, I think that both of us are going to be happier. and we just don't want to deal with the inconvenience of like how true this is right now. You know? It's like we could keep this going for like another five years. And like you guys were so...

Not like a speed bump? No. You were so insanely head over heels, got married fast. Yeah. Child. During COVID. And then child gave you the- way, I don't think I should have to fucking pay legal fees

because I got married during COVID. But that's neither here nor there. It's not renting an apartment in Brooklyn. Well, it kind of, Kind of is if you get married during COVID. Yeah. But yeah. I almost got married during COVID it felt like.

Really? Everybody fucking changed their life during COVID. None of us were thinking. I was going to convert to Islam. Okay. Oh my God. I took. That's crazy than marrying Andy.

Yeah. That's fucking insane. I got certified in three Reiki levels. Yeah. I got a better to pay online gambling. Yeah. That makes sense. Thought it was a poker shark.

Right. That's kind of cool, though. So is Reiki. I guess. I never had the intention of practicing. You got certified in so many things. That's how I saw with Islam. Can you laugh harder at that?

That was great. Thank you. Thank you. Jesus. I was kind of lost in the Reiki. I was thinking about the Reiki. It is very good. He's kind of lost in the Reiki.

He's lost the Reiki. Wait, this is crazy that you guys are getting divorced. Okay. I don't know what to say. You're stoked. You're good. You're happy. I mean, I'm not stoked, but I'm like, it is what it is.

Don't do it. You two talk. Me and her are having autism time. Thank you so much. Let's share thoughts. She's going to hold it. Yeah, I'll hold it too, like dice. The skinny one.

All my friends are doing his little skinny sigs. You look good with a capri. Most people don't. Really? Yeah. Well, I just had my first cigarette ever in August in my life. And now you're ripping them? No, no.

I just have a money. I've only had like five cents. Why Capreys? They're lady sigs. Yeah That's cool Good for you I don't really

I know I spoke like that Are you putting a fucking Oh I thought you're gonna put lipstick on While you were to Capri in your mouth That's fucking awesome I was gonna say that is a That's an only fan's page In a movie yeah

Yeah That should be in a movie When I was in Europe And I was on like a grief trip And I was just We were You know it was fun But I never thought about it

Who'd you go with What's a grief trip? A trip you go on when you're grieving. I'm a trip. Can I have that back? I don't even, no, you can't have it back. Can I have it back? We both just.

I had some weight to it. Can I have it back? He's so fucking. You're lucky it was a cigarette. Sometimes I'll just throw whatever's in his hair. I've gotten a handful of change to my face. That was an accident and I've apologized. Just put a fucking drum symbol next to him.

so he doesn't have to throw things at the guests. Oh my God. Dude, if I had a drum symbol, everything would change. I know. That would be crazy. I can't believe this puke bucket was brought to me in a serious way. Yeah. You were really going through it.

No, I wouldn't have done that. I would have reached inside myself and prevented it some way. There's no way. I would have allowed you guys to make me. I bet you're a cute puker though. No one is. No fucking way. Do you ever have friends that were a loud puker, the surprise of just like a

Oh, stop with their noise. In my family, I wasn't allowed to, like, be dramatic about anything. Like, if you're doing, it's like, well, you want to hoot with the owls, run with the, you got to, you know, can't. Hold on. What? I didn't get it right. You want to run with the owls. You want to hoot with the owls.

Fly with the eagles? I don't know. Who says this? Rob. Do they just hear noises and make idioms? Oh, no, no. It's me. Not.

Oh, you want to beep with the tracks? It's like from drinking, if we were like drinking or on a trip or something, you can't make a big deal. You can't. Oh, if you want to run with the bulls, whatever. In my direction. You got to, like, if you're going to puke, be quiet, don't make a scene of it. Who with the owls is hilarious. Don't make people wait for you.

I don't know what it was. You want a who with the owls. Come on, I want to who with the owls. No, one time we were in Mexico and we were like 4 a.m. And there was a ponga with like to go fishing. And it was like one of my first times drinking. And I hooked a Dorado. was really the last time I caught a fish.

What is a pongo and a gerado? Oh, a dorado is a huge fish in Mexico. Hell yeah. And a ponga is a little metal boat without any covering, like a very rudimentary boat. And I saw I was puking aggressively

while I was hooked on this fish. And they were just taking, I kept trying to hand off the rod to them to reel in. And they just started taking pictures of me puking. Iconic album cover, Blair. And the man driving the boat put a bucket of water on my head and said Mexican hangover care.

That's great. Yeah. Now you can't, all our trips growing up were driving down like the Baja Peninsula, like fishing in remote villages and now you can't do that anymore. God damn. I want to go hooting with those ass. I know.

I can't tell if this is poor people shit or rich people shit. It's rich people shit. Yeah, the trip. The trip wasn't. You know how you noticed that rich family dinners and rest stops? Yeah, they do. If you get like,

if you get close enough. If you get far enough on either side of the spectrum, they do kind of like cross over. Like rich people have all these uncles that are in ants that aren't related to them. And so to poor people. There's so many things. And fishing poor people. Like it's really,

really into fishing and like driving. Frying themselves in the sun, poor and rich. You guys go on boats. We go on canoes. God, I love canoe. Oh, no. There's a lot of kayaking happen. Never a kayak.

A kayak. Canoe. I like a canoe. Oh my God. I love a canoe. I'd love to be on a canoe. You ever do the J-stroke my guy to reverse? A little j-stroke?

What's a j-drown? Oh, you went to that? Camp. Camp Mystic. The camp. The camp that got fucking washed away. You went to Camp Mystic? I went to Camp Mystic.

So sad. You know what it is. The camp that basically because Trump cut funding. It was like a flood. Oh, with the girls. Yeah, but I think that would have happened anyway. I think they would have seen it. Actually, I don't think that.

Just let me virtue signaling. I said the T word on a podcast. No, I'm saying like, I'm saying I don't think that I think it would have like, Like, I know, but let me blame it on Trump. Yeah, no. Honey, that's the T word. But also, I'm like, I don't know. And that's the T.

I think they would have known that this was going to happen. Like, it would have been announced that this was going to happen. I feel like if he hadn't cut funding. So I think you're right, actually. Wait, what funding did he cut for the camp? For everything. Oh, well, yeah. But the national weather.

Wow, this is really putting the fun and funding. Is that you don't know? Yeah, you're really bringing us down in your story about all these children drowning. Yeah, what the fuck? Is all of this? Yeah. Yeah, you have a lot of women drowning in your life. I really do.

Oh my God. It's a lot of drowning stories of my life. That's scary. And you have a lot of vehicular accidents. Just one. Ew. Vehicular? Well, yeah, the bus.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that why you drive a bike on me now? I got hit by a car on a bike too. I've been hit by a car on a bike. I've been hit by a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. Can you grab the door? Next. Coyote. Who is that? Uncle Laser. Uncle Laser. Dr. Laser.

Dr. Laser. I think I watched him get his dick sucked on a podcast. Yeah, I know. Me too. I screen shot at his reactions and I send them in a group chat. Yeah. Wait, why? He's getting his dick sucked on this podcast.

I don't think I'm going to respect this person, Ian. I think this might be a rough pod. No, but that's good. Okay. Do you have a lot of people on that you don't respect? I just do whatever he tells me. Really? Yeah, because in my podcast, I have who I want and then.

And then this one. Which, by the way. I've never been asked to do. Oh, neither of a, yeah. I just wanted to bring that up. That's true. What? Is that true?

It is true. Wait, that's crazy. Actually, I don't know if it's true, but I, but it feels true. I don't know if that's true. I feel like, it feels true to me. I think I want, for input, who? And it's never any.

I like, I like doing what, I like having his crew. Whenever I curate it, it doesn't go great, but when he curates it does go better. So I just do it on mine. It is true. Like, he'll have a band on and he'll be like, fuck this band. And then they're on. and they're like the best. Yeah.

So I try and like, it's like when I book my own hotels, I book the wrong one, but if my manager does it, it is correct. So I just, there are some things I, like Jesus take the wheel.

Yeah. But on RIP, we'll have you on. But then I'm really gonna have to delve into this divorce thing. Yeah, sure, let's do it. Really?

Yeah, you're willing to do that publicly? And I'm both like period. No, I'm not, listen, I have nothing. I'm willing to do it because I have nothing bad to say. Move back already. No, I couldn't. But it's like an amicable handbooking.

I'm too tired. Yeah. Yeah, like we still love each other. We had a kid together. Like, I am not, I like the sun. I like the trees, you know, I'm not trying to do five spots a night. You know, two is most. You like hooting with the owls in L.A.

You could do two. We just asked to do two. And the owls in L.A. go, who. Both of us are very, very excited. Let me finish a joke. Okay. The owls in Lago. Let me finish, you fucking asshole.

The owls in a Lego. I hope this pays off. Shut the fuck up. It's not going to help. It's a long walk. Hey, cut that back. You know, pal. Take your hat off,

course. The house in L.A. go, who's important in the room? Hey, I actually like that. That was good. That was good. That was good. The dogs sliding her ass on the ground.

I'm laughing so hard. I'm stunned, is why? And the house in New York go, who, who just shit on the train. These are big, this is a big season for you guys. You're autistic and you're divorced. This is huge. Yeah, everything's changing.

Everything's changing. Thank you. Is it good because, like, the way I, like, are you like, I have a child with a really great father? Yes. And now I get to be alone and live my life and be happy with both of those things being had. Are you guys going to live near each other?

I hope so. Did the kid make the divorce happen? I would like that. No, but I think that, like, honestly, I feel like comedy is like, if you're two comics and you're on the road, like, it's really hard with a kid. It's really hard.

Because you can't hang out. For one of, like, one of you has to be willing to, like, bring your child. Not, not do it. Like, basically. You know what I mean? How do you do that? Why don't you say, because you don't want to, you don't want her to have a Jamaican accent when she gets older? Or like a Chinese accent.

Is that going to get a clip, do you think? What? Is that going to be the clip? Jamaican accent. Yeah. Very likely. No, no, no. The clip is going to be my owl L.A. joke.

I liked it. Thank you. I did like it. You didn't laugh that hard, though. I did, yeah, but I do like, you felt like you were doing. I felt like way better than I thought it was going to be. You got a slight smile was sort of all he got out of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a lot for us. That's a lot. Usually it's a scowl. And let me tell you, I'm going to hold on to that for a while. Oftentimes it's me just pretending to take a bathroom break and just standing outside and breathing. Yeah. But taking a deep deep breath. You would be a good mom.

If that's what you do, that's, then you'd get it. You just go in the bathroom and take deep breaths. I think I'd be good. I think I've seen how you are a mom and I'm, like I think I could do that where I can maintain being an angry person but the child is my I honestly think I am an insanely good mom yeah and insanely I think that aggressive women make good moms because the kid because the agro thing you're like oh finally I have an outlet it's stay the fuck away from my baby I'm gonna protect this kid because if your whole life you're like yo fuck

you and then you have a kid you're like see like all my softness goes to her all my everything I love her so much I just resonated with a lot of moments with you and the kid like when you carried the stroller all the way up the stairs when we were at skank fest and you got to the top of the stairs and you looked at the baby in the crib and you heard josh adam meyers screaming um karaoke yeah and you looked at her and she was like sleep and you were like i can't be here yeah why am i here and then you just carried the stroller all the way back down the stairs we put it into her and you're like i'm going to bed i have a baby and i was like okay you're like i don't need to do comedy jam right i was like what am i why am i bringing her into this

This is fucking hell. But just watching your like existential like, what am I doing? Like of all the choices. Right. I was like, I was participant. I helped you carry. Yeah, you want to like hold on to like the life that you used to have for a while. And like I for a while I was and then I would get to where I wanted to go and I'd be like,

I don't fucking care about this. What am I doing? Yeah. See, I feel like I would be a good dad and I would enjoy it. But I would too much have that feeling and shut the entire world off and be like, This is my world now. This is all I'm going to do. Because I don't have FOMO ever.

Like I'm comfortable missing literally anything. And so I just, I don't know how I would. You're not compromising. It's not like you were compromising a gig. You were like, I don't need to sing a song with Josh out of Myers. I will go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which you probably would do without a baby.

Be like, I'm leaving this place. I know. And you know what's funny? I think I had to cover for you because you left and they're like, we need someone. I was like, I'll go get. What did you sing? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What did you wear a dress? Smells like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. I wear a dress. There you go.

She made me seeing a Fallout boy last night. She goes, this is in your pitch, skater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's great. Oh, dude. Thank you for the invite to that, by the way. But I have an aversion to party full and I don't know how to work it.

Oh, my God. So I saw it and was like, I got nervous. I just stayed at my mom's to like 9 o'clock. Yeah, good for you. I would like to be invited. It was just, everybody was invited. Oh, it was one of those ones. But she said for you and not Jordan.

I said, oh, that is weird. I sent it to everybody and I was like, invite whoever. Like, I was like, I sent it out. Well, then she forgot. It was like a month later. Yeah, but then she said a thing. But then she forgot she had it. I made a flight to come to her birthday.

And then I'm like, what time are you landing? And she's like, oh, I'm getting it on Monday. I was like, but isn't your birthday on Monday? I was like, oh, fuck. And she had to change her flight because she forgot she. Yeah. I forgot that I planned my own birthday. So if you,

If you feel hurt that you weren't invited, it's because I literally had 15 minutes, sent out a part of full to a bunch of people and was like, invite whoever. I planned a birthday party, a big birthday party, did the part of a thing, a bunch of people, got them all ready to go to Prospect Park. One person wrote, ooh, Gemini,

and I canceled the entire thing. I was like, I can't do this. I don't know what I was thinking. So many people are like that with their birthdays. I can't do it. And then I just took my dog to the park. It was like a pressure thing. I did that, I think two or three years ago,

I had a, I was having like a get together and one person was like, actually I don't know if I could make it that day. And I was like, forget it. Yeah, yeah. It's canceled. The biggest fear is having a party and no one's showing. I don't have that at all. Like I was just telling her.

I used to have these. How? Autism. No, it's not autism. It's that if one or two of my friends shows up, like I just don't put any pressure on it. I'm still going to have a great time. You know? Like, I don't, I'm not worried.

I put so much pressure. I don't. It means nothing about me. I'm a powerful. If there's three people there and I invited 10, I'm like, I'm so sorry that I, that you guys even showed up. I wish it more. You know what I mean? Like, I feel bad. I know. I don't go to something. I don't want to go. So I assume if someone comes, it's because they want to be there, which might not be true. But I just don't worry about it because I'm like, oh, I love my friends. If only one or two show up, which it never is that way. Usually lots of people show up. But even worse. That's such a good outlook. Yeah. God bless you. It's really nice. I don't feel that way about comedy shows, though. I'm like, if I don't, if I have, if I have. like a low ticket sales. I'm really sad. We all do. Yeah. Well, yeah, because your friends are putting money in your wallet.

Yeah. I promised myself that once it became like you would get the ticket cost and not the guarantee. Remember that shift? That I was like, it's okay. Don't make it then like you'll kill yourself if you don't sell out. You're making all the money for every ticket and it doesn't help. Still it's if I don't sell out, I'm like a pound of flesh has to be. Yeah, I don't know

what that's like. And I'm like, that doesn't make sense. I'm getting a ticket per person who wants to go. Right. There's no penalty. It's just that I don't, I can't. right sold out on a little thing that I make on Instagram. It's crazy. Yeah. But you have to just keep setting a barometer for how to torture yourself.

I had to tell my guys that stopped sending me counts before because it's always bad. And then week of, I pick up. Like, everybody's a last minute ticket buyer. I know. And then I'll end up being like gangbusters. But I'll show up to the venue like a shaken, beaten child. Dude, yeah. I heard that there's no.

How is it out there? How is it out there? How is it? How is it? What are we doing? What are the numbers? Yeah. And then they're like, great.

We sold a hundred today and I'm like, oh, I'm an idiot. Yeah. But I always try to tell like audience people or listeners. I'm like, that's the nicest thing you can do for a comedian. Why? Because it ends up working out. But doing it earlier makes it so much better experience because it's so stressful leading up to it. And then it ends up okay.

And you're like, I didn't need to go through all that. The server's like, can I get you something to eat? And you're like, I don't deserve anything. Yeah. I don't deserve any food or water. Just, you know, if it sells up. Can you punch me in the face? Yeah.

I'll do meat and greets sometimes. Like even if I'm like dead and dragged, if it doesn't sell out, I'm like, I guess I'll do a meet and greet to apologize to everybody. It doesn't make any sense. It's crazy. It's just like self-flagellation.

Oh my God. Yeah, but I like Blair's outlook better. We should treat shows like she treats apart. That is not how I treat my shows. As long as a couple people show up, that's all that way. No. Imagine saying that to your agent.

I do not feel that way at all. Imagine saying that shit to your agent. My personal life does not translate at all to the shows. We're sick. just sick people. It's a sick industry. It's crazy. I know the amount of times I'm just going back and forth with Steph Toll being like I'm not we're not going to kill ourselves. You guys ever want to quit and just move to the woods to be an oyster farmer? I did a couple years ago. I was really depressed and I started having those thoughts and while it was happening I was like I don't know if this is depression or that I'm not genuinely over comedy and then I got on prozac and then I was like oh no it was a It's incredible. Are you on it? Yeah. Change my life. Me too. It's the best shit. Oh, that's the best shit.

What millies are you at? Well, I had to go up a little bit with a recent death. 30? Yeah. 30's sick. But I was at 20. But did they bump you to 40? I'm either at 30 or 40.

They bump you to 40 and then I was like, you know what? I want to be rogue and I'm going to do 30, which means you have to get tens and take three. But I love 30 because you can come. I was crying. I was crying through. I was waiting for the end of that sentence. I thought there was more. I got it.

I got it. Yeah. No, I got it. I'm on well buterin. I'm not on. How much? That one gives me panic attacks. That's the fuck drug.

Yeah. How much are you on? I'm only on 100. I keep asking for more. Dude, I was on 200 of Zoloft and 150 of Lomictal and 75 of effectser. And I don't. And it blew out my fucking serotonin to the point where I. You're so much better.

Was feeling only medium. I could not feel good and I could not feel bad. I was just like. That's what I was before Welbutrin. Sucked. Oh, yeah, you don't have mania. No, I'm just like dead. I don't have mania.

If I take Welbutrin because I have mania, it's like, it's like I'm taking 60 milligrams of Adderall. Yeah, no, I'm ADD, and I also just feel nothing. Yeah. Welbutrin is perfect for that because you don't take Adderall. No, what I take? Yeah. Word of the Lord.

Ew. You take a huge amount of drugs. You take a good amount of drugs. Oh, my God, I don't have so long. Everybody's on fucking. toward my dosages. And I feel. How many?

How many? I feel good. I feel like I got my really do. Talk to God. Everything's nice. I tell you like because I remember this is so sad. But the day before my brother died, I was at lunch with Greta. And I was like, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

Like I was like, I'm finally, it feels so good. You know, everything. God is fucked. And God was like, hold my beer. Yeah. I swear to God. That's so fucked. It just pulls the fucking.

I mean, if that wasn't a movie, you'd be like, that's too far. That's on the nose. Yeah. What is that? I wish there was a reason for it. There just isn't. It's like just some horrible. Yeah, but I mean, I had been feeling well for like two years at that point, like feeling really good.

And then, I mean, yeah, I was crying so much. I was like crying right through like the 20 milligrams. Yeah. Possible if you had been in a bad place in your life. I know everyone says that. And it, I mean, yeah, you're like, yay. My dad died and I was at the best place in my life too. And I talked to him and I was like, I'm so happy.

I found comedy and I've like, I feel like I have my OCD under control and everything. And then he died and I was like, dude, what the fuck? And then I think about that and I'm like, well, maybe if I was in like a dark, dark place, I'd be like, I'm going to join now. Well, I thought after my brother died, because to me it's the worst thing that could ever happen. Like I love my brother so much. Like I was like, I think I have to quit comedy because I was like, I can't imagine doing comedy or laughing again. Yeah. So, but, yeah.

Your parents also. I know. God, it's so fucked up with the parents. Yeah, it's horrible. Anyway, we have to change this subject. I just made it so sad. You don't have to change the stuff. This whole podcast is half sad.

We literally Jim Norton cried on that couch. Oh, really? Yeah, totally. It's such a death. Will Arnett cry because he saw all the litter boxes. Yeah. Yeah. He stepped on sand.

It's awful. It's not a good thing. There's having three litter boxes. Four. There's four. No, you don't know how to. fucking count. No, I saw so many.

I was really worried. There's one litter robot. She's autistic. She can count. Well, you're counting wrong. I don't really like, like, if you're pretty, you don't have to do math, you know? That's true. It's crazy that you are the dead sibling couch and we are the dead dad couch.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. You should get signs. That is crazy. We should get named tags. We should have pennies and skins. So much happened this podcast.

Like, Ian almost lit up a cigarette, which would have inevitably. made you walk out. You were actively trying to get me to puke. He brought me a bucket. Rosebud went through a divorce. Yeah. We just got to death. He's going to find out from this podcast.

He doesn't know yet, I should say. Yeah. Imagine I get home. I'm like, yeah, I said that we got separated in October and. I did cover it up pretty well, but I did know. I just didn't want to say that I knew because the way that I found out was I was about to walk on stage. And I thought Andy was acting kind of mean.

Like I was like, oh, maybe I did something. Yeah. And like I get, I feel like I get canceled every other day. So I'm like, oh, maybe he thinks I'm a bad person. So then, and then I was walking on stage and he goes, I think me and Rosebud are getting a divorce. And I was like, ah, I will be back in 15 minutes. He said that to you. Yeah, like, right before I walk on stage.

Oh, God. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, it wasn't a lot of them. Wait. I'm like, so he did know. Oh, so why? You just lied for the. Well, that's, but that's polite.

It's so funny because I can clock it right away, like so many comments. have done that? Did you see my face just turn? Oh no. Yeah, you look at me. Jordan went, oh! I have a really hard time. No, that's polite, though.

I have a really hard time lying. And when I do lie, my OCD, and I'm like, I have to say the truth or else I'm a bad person. So I said the truth. No, I appreciate that. But I didn't want to be like, yeah, I know. Wait, can I ask you a question since like now you have such a big following?

Does that get scary? Like, when you say, when you said that you guys, I wasn't talking to you? I know you weren't. He's sensitive about it. Are you really? No. I don't give a shit.

Yeah, he doesn't get a big following. You do have a big following. I just went like, this is a really big one, you know? Like, does it scare you when you say, like, when you do get canceled? Does it hurt anymore? Are you getting numb to it? No, no, the TRN and Y thing really fucked me up. Yeah.

Because I know that it sounds like I really didn't know. But I just like, I had been live, I had just done so much cum town and so much being in. And I just like was like, this is fine. and I didn't know that Stav's pod had become like a kind of woke embassy a little bit, which has because he's in Hollywood now and he is like a pretty woke guy now. And he also made fun of me for that.

I mean, he's always been that way. But he's also like... No, he made fun of me for dating trans women for 10 years. Yeah. And called me gay for even longer. But I also, I didn't know that... And like the way me and Stavar are is like,

I say fucked up shit. You guys were like talking like friends. Right. And he's like big brother style where he's like, Shut the fuck up. Don't say that. And like somebody clipped it in a way. The whole story I told was about this guy who said it who's like a huge asshole.

So when I got dragged because it was out of context, I was like, you know what's really fucked up is I was actually trying to be woke. Like I was talking about a guy who said that word was bad. Right. And then. It is hard too because these clips in the commenters, they take off. And it's like that was said in context to something. I feel like sometimes I'll be watching something that looks bad though and I'll put myself.

I'll be like, if I was in the room for this, would this feel bad? Yeah. Like, would this feel as bad as it does watching it? And most of the time, I would say 99% of the time, I go, like, it really wouldn't have felt the way it feels to watch it. Yeah. And that one fucked me up because comics that I work with went after me. That I had to be like, like, two comics that I work with at the seller were, like,

posted about it. And I had to DM them and be like, hey, this is that I don't fucking like, I don't like that about comedy now is that like, will go, I feel like comics will go after each other in a way that I'm like, what is this? Like, why? Just do it in a group chat, dog. Or do it like crazy. Yeah.

Like, if you really want to go after someone, do it in person because that's, you know, like the real confrontation. Just talk shit with your friends when you're fucking out at night. It's like, why would you go online? You're going to talk to a weird guy in a basement about me that's that you've never met? It's so bizarre. It's very weird. And it's also like, like I texted them and I was like, dude, we like work together.

Just text me and be like, what's up with this? Which some people have done. Like I have like friends that I like had this joke about, I have, I've had jokes that people have hit me up and been like, hey, I just want you to know this could be taken this way. Or like I had a whole bit where I saw Elliott Page and her trainer or and his trainer at the boxing gym and I talked about it and the trainer hit me up. And I was like, dude, I am so sorry. I didn't even know that was recorded.

I was just like riffing. and it was actually like a joke about how I was being shitty. And then it was like fine. But it was like people who DM me and they're like, what the fuck is this? That's happened so many times. And we resolve it and then it's done. I'll pull things down.

But when people go to Twitter, I'm like, I don't even have Twitter. I don't even know what you're saying about. Yeah, same. I don't have it. It's for it. Yeah. Whatever.

It does, it hurt me because it was the day before my special came out. It also hurt me because I didn't, because I have trans and I have like my best friend's sister is trans. trans who's like my little sibling and I was like oh my god I really didn't mean for this to be this way right I'm worried and then it takes on a life that's completely out of your control and just a fundamental part of being human is that it's painful for anyone to be feel misunderstood yeah and then to have it on a mass level has to be and then for people to the worst part is when people go no I agree with you fuck trans people

and I'm like no I wasn't saying that dude I don't agree with that right right that's what sucks but also I do think that being a woman, it's like, it's like if you say anything that is edgy, people are just like, you are supposed to be a maternal figure, you are not supposed to say edgy things. We will come after you twice as hard as any man. Well,

I think now is a good time for you to speak directly into the camera and issue a full-throated apology. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that a full-throat of me? Burn do the witches. Yeah, do the bitches. I'm in the back of my.

I'm sorry. All right, you guys want to wrap this up? Yeah. Yeah. Tell us what. I want to go to the couch at home. You want people to share. I want to watch the couch.

I'm going to watch the couch. We know what Rose about doing. I want to watch the couch. No, I'm going to get blasted on my night, uh, five milligram night gummy. Oh, she gave me a Z quill last night. That would fuck me up. What are you guys doing right now? Why are you?

I'm tired. I can't wait. I told her that I'm not going to speak the rest of the night. Yeah. We're going to go full nonverbal. Yeah. Real House wise. You've been done.

I don't know. Is that what it is? No, I haven't talked to anybody today. Okay, great. Yeah, you guys are first people and I'm all set. I'm done. I was the only person drinking. I was like, you guys do karaoke sober?

Like, it was crazy. I really wish both of you had come because it was fucking, it was really fun. But it was, and I do like karaoke. Joyful, Joyful from Sister Act 2 three times. And I don't see, I don't do karaoke. I'm like, one microphone is enough. I'm not needy and I have a terrible voice. I have a terrible voice.

I hold it down here. Same with me. I see that some people. And so, but somehow it was so fun, I was like screaming and I was drinking after allspirited. And I woke up this morning and I rarely ever drink. And I was so hungover. And I had to be on camera and I was like, this is so hard. I can't wait to be on the couch mute later.

You look beautiful. I'm very impressed. That's amazing. Yeah. This is a very like dead sibling, but put together hot couch. God, I really, you have no idea how much that means to us. to develop personality couch. We need a chin up or act a little bit here.

I'm gonna kill one of your siblings. Yeah. I'm gonna kill one of your siblings. That's what has to happen. I'll sacrifice mine. I'm not there yet. Okay, sorry. Oh.

I felt it. I felt it before. I felt it the second it came out of my mouth. I was like, she didn't like that. She didn't like that at all. It's like there's a difference between 20 years and one. Yeah. Like and when you just, and when you were like,

you don't know everyone I fuck. I was like, what the fuck are you? you talking about. I was like, are we that to fight? And I was like, why did you say that present tense, bitch? I was like, you're going to die right here. Yeah. You guys could check out Blair on 50 milligrams of Prozac tonight and every night.

No, you can check me out on my brand new podcast called Spaced Out. And my brother actually named it before he passed. And I have Netflix is a joke at the Hollywood Improv at May 5th. And all my tour dates, Blair'sockey. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll see you in L.A. Hell yeah.

Yeah, see you in L.A. too. Oh, yeah. That's what I have to plug. Me, Sam Rill, Joe List, and Rachel Feinstein, for the love of God. It's such a big room. Please buy tickets. It's going to be such a fun show. What a good crew that is.

May 7. Where? Oh, that's a good show. L.A. Los Angeles. Where, though? The venue. Do you know? No.

It'll be on punchup. Punchup. Punch up. Pondon. Or, St. Or, St. Or, John, St. Whoever you want to support.

Just go buy tickets through their punch up. bunch up and they'll know who bought it. Totally. May 6th. Hollywood Improv. Netflix is a joke. Go see Blair. Go see me.

Go see Jordan. Are you doing it? Yeah, May 6th. Mate, where? Improve. Improv. Are we doing it the same night? I made May 5th.

Sick. Yeah. Buy tickets for both of our show. Double header. Why the hell not? Yeah. You're already there. Website?

Oh yeah. I'm going to be in Australia and New Zealand for the next like two weeks and then I'll be in Charlotte and then. LA and Albuquerque. Anyway, Rosebudbaker.com. Ianfinance.com for all my dates.

I'm going to be in Calgary, Point Pleasant, Los Angeles for Netflix is a joke. Cleveland hilarity is going all over. And Ian doing our guy doing our jobs out on YouTube every other Tuesday. And Patreon.com slash be an Ian pod.

We'll see you next time. Bye guys. We'll learn it. Bye. Will Arnette's a king. Rosen lasagna. Medium power. 15 minutes.

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