Bein' Ian With Jordan - Copy Cat! W/ Mike Feeney & Mike Vecchione | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep154

Episode Date: July 9, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpodIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2sPodcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast- Support the show and get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Justpay $5 for shipping & use code SKA at checkout athttps://www.bluechew.com- #skimspartner Support the show (tell them we sent you!) and get yourself some fresh undies at https://www.skims.com/ianFollow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensenWATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidanceIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8Follow Mike Feeney Here : https://www.instagram.com/iammikefeeney/https://punchup.live/mikefeeney @MikeFeeneyComedy  Follow Mike Vecchione Here: https://www.instagram.com/comicmikev/Low Income White | Mike Vecchione | Full Special : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvXAipyxI-kPlease RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms!Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian FidanceOutro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

There's regular cold and then there's the mountains are blue cold. Mountain cold refreshment. Coors light. The chill choice. Celebrate responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. Hey everybody come see me on the road IanFydance.com. Oklahoma City July 10th to 12th. Addison Dallas Texas July 18th to the 20th, Indianapolis, helium, July 25th to the 27th, Buffalo helium, Buffalo, New York, August 1st to 3rd. Then I'm in Chicago, Illinois, the 14th to the 16th, Irvine, California, Oxnard, California, Fort Wayne, Indiana, East Providence, Rhode Island, on and on and on, emfightads.com for all my dates.

Let's really, really pack out Dallas, Indianapolis, Buffalo, and Chicago. Okay? Okay. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. She's going to Europe and her Netflix special is coming out September 9th. So mark your calendars, come see us live, and we'll see you around.

Bye bye. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. in the butt. So why ride when you're being Ian, being Ian? Life is shit but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. We should bring that home. She really likes it. Or you should send me the link. Who's that? Girl.

From where? That I like? I'm mentally ill. I thought you were in a... I don't know what I thought. Please help. Every time I see you, I feel like you're like, I'm in a committed relationship. This is the one.

What? You're full of it. You haven't seen me in forever. Full of hierarchy. Can haven't seen me in forever Can you can you settle something for us? Hold on? Let's start the show. We are starting low. Oh, did it start? Yes, welcome back to no boxing welcome back to another episode of Beanie and with Jordan. That is patreon.com slash Beanie and Pot. Ianfightance.com for all my dates. I'm going all over.

And we've got Mike Feeney and Mike Vecchione and this raging fucking friend. Pig fingers. Let's talk because we already settled it. But why aren't you stoking old flame? My mom says that I shouldn't give the copycat any time of day. No, your mom said to drop it. She said drop it. You have bigger things to deal with in your life.

And this is asinine. That is so insults. Sound advice. Yeah. Sound advice from her mom. I can be like, they were yelling at each other and she's like, grow up, too. They were yelling at her at each other. Well, I could I could I was smoking outside

and I could hear you screaming at her. How did you guys, by the way, like the calm right before this, like it was borderline silent in here. And it just it just as if you guys remembered you were in the same room as each other. It's fantastic. What's copycat? What does that sentence mean?

Copycat means if you were like, Sorry, I had some Jordan stuck in my throat. Go ahead. Copycat is say you get really into boxing. Yes. And then you're really into it. It's your thing. And then a little while after a very close friend just starts doing it without even telling you.

That's what copycat is. You know how you have to make new things and your personality all the time because you're not OK with who you really are so Okay literal Indian head tattoo you're insane I'd love Native Americans Dumbass personality now. It's a part of my life that I share with other people. I'm not saying it's bad that you box

I'm just saying you're a copycat. If you could just admit that you're a fucking copycat. She goes, and then he doesn't say anything and he starts boxing. Roll the tape, Ethan homework, roll the tape. There are so many times I've talked about wanting to box and I'm injured and I can't. We did a live podcast last year with Ellis and her and Ellis were boxing. I go, I would like to box, but I'm injured. Oh, OK. I've said, wow, it's really great. I think I might take a box. That's my thing. That's my thing. So then guess what?

Sergio Chacon. Yeah. Trains are friend of the friend of the pod. Friend of the pod, friend of the friend. Fifteen years friendship. He wants me to to train me on the cheap and hang out. I'd say yes and now I'm a copycat. And you're going to be fighting for the Native Americans and Jordan will be fighting for the whites? Yeah.

Cowboys and Indians. We should fight each other. If you got a mini dog, I would be like amazing. I'd be so happy. They'd be best friends. They would love each other all the time. And copycat. That is copy. I mean. And are you guys going to be, can I continue with my joke? Are you guys gonna fight for land?

Yeah Anyway Where I can really bring it to a dead end Is that that is not copycatting. She influenced. I saw the effect. She's in her life. That's a compliment, Jordan. You're an influencer.

Totally. It's all compliment. I guess I want the word. Here's my can I say my theory? She's a child. And she only thinks a child brainwaves. Let me give my other definition. Another example.

If you had a big butt crack going down your face. Uh huh. And I said to you, shut up. I said, shut up. I said, shut up. I said, shut up. I said, shut up. I said, shut up. I said, shut up. I said, shut up my other definition, another example. If you had a big butt crack going down your face and I said to you, shut up, and I said to you, you are a butt head.

And you said, no, I have an illness where I have anus on my face and butt cheeks on either side. I'd be like, great, totally get that. You have anal cranialofascial fissure, but I've heard of you are a butt head. Yeah. No, that's childish. I'm saying all these things. Influence. Great move to do it. Great. And you're a copycat. You are engaging in what about ism and it's one of your little tactics to do circular thinking so that you can go, OK, and then you wear you wear me down until I just go fine. I am the thing that you say and you go name on I will say not for nothing the Defensiveness comes off a little copycat because how would you feel if someone was throwing daggers? I'll get that finger out of my face

Oh face. Oh, okay. Here's the boxing is about to happen now. Guess what? Well, Phenis, a jujitsu guy. Yeah, that's a jujitsu. You could start a jujitsu. Would I be copying? No, we don't have a million other people that do jujitsu. Like, what are we fucking talking about? Oh, here I'll put it to you like this. Okay, say you have a butt, and someone else has a butt, and then they say they have anal seizures. Listen to how defensive you are. I get defensive because- You sound like a copycat. It blows my mind when I am accused of things.

I am not. There's one, can we say, I need to let the record state. There is a huge factor going on here. There's a record? I don't know if you guys remember, or that you guys know, or is in your mind. Hold on, hold on. He doesn't have- Mike wants to do a land acknowledgement.

Mike's going to listen for trains. I'd like to just mediate this for a second. Jordan says she's boxing. It would be great if you would be like, I aspire to be a corner man. Oh, no. So you're like helping instead of copycatting. You're helping. I want to be a cut man. I and then she would say, can you do your own thing? And you go fine.

Get cut and have him stop the fight because there's blood in your eyes. Guess what? I have said over and over. I've seen the. He doesn't have any siblings. He doesn't have any siblings. I've said he's never been called a copycat. Do you understand our entire lives? You were called copycats, right? I don't have siblings, he's never been called a copycat. Do you understand? Our entire lives you were called copycats, right? I don't have siblings and I haven't been called a copycat. Now you don't have siblings.

You were called a copycat. Yes, yes, it's a thing. I will say, if I were called a copycat, it would ruffle me because I've never been called a copycat. Thank you. As an only child. Thank you. Yeah, it's the equivalent of being called a hack.

Yeah. It's a little bit of a hack. Yeah. It's like you're a hack, but in life. You're a hack. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so defensive, because I'm not. Right. And I hate being accused of stuff I'm not. There's this motherfucker online. I know you're fucking watching OG Deadly, you stupid fucking piece of shit. I swear to God, I will fucking be good at boxing to beat the fuck out of you. And every fucking comedy is always like, Ian's drinking again. Ian's fucked up on drugs. And it infuriates me because I'm not. Am I defensive because I'm on drugs? No, I hate being accused of things that I'm not.

And I will very well admit when I'm wrong, I'm not wrong often, but when I am, I'll admit, and in this instance, I am not wrong. You have influenced me and I appreciate that. And I am very vocal in telling you things that I appreciate. And you've helped me out with. And then she ignores me. Can you? You're right. You're not a copycat. Whoa. All right. I'll admit, I will never admit.

The weirdest part is, though, is you starting it in secret is a little is a little strange I didn't start in secret. Oh, okay Do you know how many things I've said to her that she fucking forgets in one ear and out the other? Yeah, so now you're bringing a different you guys are bringing Was waiting And then he springs it on you and then you're on the back foot Really good and then he springs it on you and then you're on the back foot Fear because I got I don't know how to fucking act because your talk don't cuz I walk around eggshells on

habitual copycat See now she's bringing and it's not Wow Habitual you put the bitch in a bitch. Well, What do you think? I'm a bitch and a cunt That's a you are a copycat by nature. I'll accept cat, but I won't accept copy Every one of your merch shirts is something that doesn't belong to you Oh my god law and you know coming up in hardcore and punk every band does rip shirts They do rip at soul blind you think think that's a freaking ripped off? They have someone one of their friends made that. Soul blind

That's the fucking font is in the font of like an old Massimo surf company. Like what are we talking about here? Okay, well this is gonna end in a inter boxing Is it gonna end up in a face off podcast boxing match between the two of you for charity? Of course. All I would have to do is run five feet and you'd be winded. I'd be done. Yeah. The cigarettes is definitely going to hurt you in the power. So he smokes between rounds. Oh, like the box.

It won't sit down in between fights. He's smoking between rounds. That would honestly help. That would psych her out so bad if she saw you smoking in between rounds. No, actually in boxing it's winded so bad. Let me tell you, if her and I boxed, I would show up in the exact outfit you were wearing just to psych her out. I would have long, straw-like hair like Garth from Wayne's World. I'd have a dumpy look on my face.

I Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. I was trying to get a laugh. That was you don't have a good but they're on my team. So you're fucked. The dumpy. I almost said to Feeney, hey, come in. If she brings up copycat, I thought of that. You should just have cash for people.

You should just have cash when they walk through the door. And I think, can I continue with this? I think that, let's keep it going. I think what you should do is MMA. That way you go to, she goes to engage you in boxing, you take her down. Well, I was- Oh, she's not expecting that. I was gonna do Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu, but I'm injured.

So you know from Jiu Jitsu, you're doing a lot of arm stuff. I don't want a chance worsening my injury. We should box for charity. I will quit smoking leading up to boxing. And I'll fucking knock your top. Ooh. You're dead. You're dead.

I like it. Sell the pay-per-view now. You're like a little turtle man. Yeah. Yeah, pay-per-view now. Like a little turtle. Yeah. Yeah. And the turtle beats the rabbit. You can't. You would be really good at kickboxing. But with boxing, where I had such a good kid, you do have a mule. He's got a good mule.

You've really hurt me by dropping me on my back. But you can't do that in boxing. So you're fucked because I will literally just move around the ring. I'll learn. You've got good movement, Jordan. Anything is better than his. But do you have good movement? Let's do it right now. After this much time.

Yeah. Yeah. And now. You're covering your face. You're leaving your chin open. You're leaving your chin open. Ian, what's your style? She has a, she's good movement.

What's your style? Ian style. Prime Day is here. With great kitchen deals, greatness is a deal away. So if you love baking, you can get a deal on a new mixer. Transforming you into the Lord of the Loaves. Yeah. Yeah.

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Can you slip? Yeah. All right. Stand up. Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. Okay. I don't think he needs.

I'm not going to hit you. I'm just going to do it. Okay. One, two we go. Here we go. I don't think he needs. No, one, two, one, two, pivot. Move those. Your hips are so stiff. Not this hand. One, two, yeah. Yeah. One, wait. One, two, hook. When are you going to do your job? Put your hands up. You put your hands up. One, two, hook. Oh, step in. Oh, hey, hey! Tick! Yeah! Tick! Tick! Yeah, I got abs! Yeah, stop, stop, stop, stop. Okay, fine.

Wow. Wow. All my money's on Jordan. All my money's on him. All muscles. All right, okay. This is, I could just see, I could see. This is what he does every time.

You can't, you rig the game. Like, you'll grab me and drop me on the ground and be like, I win be like I win cuz I'm I will say if I could see my skills Even if you're training I could see if she catches you with just two little jabs You would get so angry and frustrated you would immediately bite off your gloves and tackle it to the ground Yeah, and then do a patreon And then do a Patreon. Force a Patreon. I could take a punch.

You're like dripping sweat from that. I am a little out of breath. You didn't even move! On your shoulder! The Native Americans crying! He's got one tear going, excuse me, we're illiterate! What do you want from me? This is crazy.

Now Feeny, how is this different from your jiu-jitsu training? Different, I guess, in every single way. Jiu-jitsu is like this, come at me, bro. Yeah, it's a lot of- You should go right to the guard. I go to the long right. Oh, you want to fight? I try not to, but see now, Vicki, and by the way, Vicki owned Unbelievable Wrestler.

So he can fight like collegiate, like absolute dynamite wrestler. Let me correct you. That was good for high school. Not so much in college, but yes, I do have a working cause of, oh no, just because of not being good enough. Okay. Nice. That's the best one.

Which is worse. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, that the Jiu-Jitsu is interesting cause the guys go right to their back and they look for submissions. Yeah. And then we're not used to that. And my mom is like, you should do Jiu Jitsu.

You love it. And I'm like, I faint at the idea of a wrist, like the idea of any like tiny bone torques makes me pass out. Yeah. That would be you would hate it. Then you would definitely hate it. But I do feel there are it is pretty it is pretty sick, though, when you can like, you know, get somebody who's 75 pounds more than you to just, you know, get choked out or have their arm. And then what do you do after you just came here?

Really? They submit. Feeny after they submit, do you go now go pull my car around? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They become. Yeah, you make them your beta. Yeah, that's the way it is. A real alpha.

And by the way, there's a ton of chicks who do it in the place I go to too. And they're like they're the purple belts and everything. And they they're these little like mousy chicks and they're just they just climb like a spider monkey. Yeah. She's like super good at jujitsu. What belt are you? Blue. What color? What is the color? It's white, blue, purple, brown, black. So I only started a couple of years ago. So I'm still pretty new in it. That's awesome. But I've only had seven boxing sessions. Mike Rowland does it and he's got a couple of years ago, so I'm still pretty new in it. That's awesome. I've only had seven boxing sessions. Mike Rowland does it and he's got a black eye. Yeah, he's blue belt as well.

But yeah, he's been doing it a while too. Do you guys face off? I've never, I've never, I've never. Are you from different joe, dojos? Yeah, different schools. Yeah. Do you do red dojo? No, I do.

I do a Hentso Gracie place. Bob DeBono does Gracie. He is really into the, he's been doing it for years. Does he do it in the drop makeup? Oh yeah. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I do a Hentokreasey place. Optibono does Gracie. He is really into the... He's been doing it for years and years.

Does he do it in the Trump makeup? Oh yeah. He does it as a politician. Does List still do it? I don't know. I don't know. He was training with Diego for a little while and stuff. Does Diego do Jiu-Jitsu?

Diego's a black belt. Oh, Diego's... Sorry, sorry. Sergio is... Sergio's boxing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Diego's a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah. And then like, that's his thing. Yeah. He's very good. He's very good. Does he fight still?

I don't think he like gets into street fights at all. No, I mean, like competitive. Yeah. Compatible. I don't think so. Doesn't he have like cauliflower here from fighting? Yeah. Yeah. And he works out like all the time. And it's crazy because everybody, a lot of the people, I really think the cauliflower here is such a great, it's better than owning a gun because it's like a gun, it's like a gun right here. You could just see it and they go, people don't fuck with you. Are you going to cauliflower your ear up?

No, I'm saying what I, so, but I don't, I don't do that. I actually, I'm one of the only people who, once we start rolling, I'll actually put on head gear because my ears were starting to blow up. I do get called that a lot. My ears were starting to blow up. And because the problem is if you have ears that are like pinned back more, you don't get it. But my ears go directly out. I didn't notice until later this year. Your ears are really. Let me see, Mox Tria.

They go this way. But so I- Have you noticed that before? Those are good ears. I wear the- Those are Dumbo ears. I wear them. I like those ears. Bad listener.

Yeah. Bad listener ears. That's ironic. But I see mics. M mics are more pinned back so he's he doesn't have any cauliflower from all the years of wrestling is that but I was like I was I was like I don't want to get cauliflower in case. But I put your on immediately because I've seen guys I've seen guys drain it and it's it's incredibly painful.

How do you drain it? You have to drain it. You have to drain the plasma and the blood out of it and it's it's incredibly painful. How do you drain it? You have to you have to drain. It's drain the plasma and the blood out of it. And then you put two really cold magnets on either side. And I heard they get rid of it. It lessens the swelling. But I heard the magnets hurt so much. But there's people in the go to the place I go to.

They can't even wear AirPods because it's like their whole ear looks like it just survived the fire. It's cool. Are those guys better? Yes, usually. Yeah. Yeah. What does the ear cauliflower ring? It's just it's the friction of like if you get put in a triangle or in like a guillotine or something where you're being choked and you're trying

to get your head and your ear out. It's the friction of that should be pulled. No, they definitely shouldn't be pulled. You can pull a person's body. How do you have headgear on if you're pulling? Doesn't it just come right off? No, because it's a trap too. But I will say, but it does make it harder when you have the headgear. Dude, when I was wrestling in grade school, I got sent to wrestling camp and I was the only white kid there because my mom was dating the wrestling coach and they needed me to go away for two weeks. And that's what I got made fun of.

But the black kids told me that a wrestling move they would do is they would lock up and use their hair against your chin to make you like wince back and then they'd get you. Oh, that cool. I would actually do that. I have I had very Brillo like hair. So I would do that. I would rub my hair against people's face. It's all just discomfort. One of them told me to make your arm like this. That's over the head. That's cool. Yeah, that's like a cheap thing, but if the ref doesn't see it, it's... They say that the guy who does the Muay Thai training there, who was like an actual fighter, he was like, if you ever get in a street fight, whatever you do, do not punch someone. They're like just elbows.

They're like the second you punch anyone, you're going to break your hand. Like almost 100% of the time, if you really crack someone, it's like just elbows. It's like the second you punch anyone, you're going to break your hand. Like almost 100 percent of the time, if you really crack someone, it's like just elbows. Because not only does an elbow drop people usually harder, but then it doesn't. You know, it won't break like a hand will break. Right. Then you got to get really close to them. I know. So it's like you got to make a conversation to be like, oh, my God, what's going on? I have a secret. Yeah. What time is it? Yeah. Yeah. Like, hey, you got a mole. It looks like it might be cancer. Oh my god, what's going on?

Hey you got a mole looks like it might be Dude is this elbow smell do you like magic tricks quarter behind your ear The magic trick thing is great I um, if I fought somebody on the train i've thought about a lot If I had to it would, I would go all legs. I would go straight down and just on my back and just start kicking and standing. But that's why, that's why Jiu Jitsu is great versus boxing, I feel like. Cause it's boxing great from a distance, but if someone's a lunatic and charges you and tackles you, they say every fight will go to the ground if it lasts longer

than 10 seconds. So it's, but you know, he's good enough to where he can just he has enough moves where he can just pin you down and I'm sure you can probably choke people out and bring it. I mean strength is like another thing. You had somebody coming at you with all kinds of like strength and energy. Yeah, it's like you know, you're not ready for it. You're just sitting on the train. The element of surprise is a huge thing. Also, you're not ready. I think it's the best one though because when I was dating Jack

He one time this guy like screamed down at us because we were in a screaming fight was like shut the fuck up and Jack was So mad that he was like come down here and talk to me So the guy like ran down he was huge and he just comes at Jack and Jack just was a wrestler in Fucking high school, I guess and took him out Yeah and took him out low, single leg. Yeah. Down. And he looked at me and was like, I've never done. I was like, that's amazing. It works. I was like, that was cool. Like a fucking mag like, yeah, like, dude, everybody was astounded. Like even the guy on the ground was like, ah, that was good.

And that was like, that's great. Wrestling is wrestling. Most instinctual. Yeah. Bring them down, because then you're like in control. Right. Yeah. And also just from wrestling is the most instinctual. Yeah. Bring them down because then you're like in control. Right. Yeah. And also just from wrestling is the best. And, you know, if you wrestle that it's the best training like MMA, all that stuff. I wrestled for like two years. I was so good.

Practices are brutally hard. Even like a middle school practice is very tough. Lizard. Yeah. Bear crawl. All of those lizard workouts that people do. Are you talking about those ISIS videos? He does it. Yeah, bear crawl. All those lizard workouts that people do. Are you talking about those ISIS videos? John Ernst, he does it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. John does like a weird workout.

That's like it's like you're crawling on the ground. Like that with your legs. Literally a lizard. What? Yeah. Army crawling. Army crawl. It's like, no, but no, but you're doing it's like hand. Caboera. Yeah, he's's like hand. That might be it. Yeah. No, that's Brazilian like dancing. I mean, he's basically doing a version of that.

Yeah. I mean, he's he's getting shredded. Yeah. You look big. You look big. I was looking at your arm. That vein is don't say hoppin. I'm curling. Yeah. Are you hard or is that good? Yeah. Vane, Vane's leak.

Dude, that is a big arm. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. You're like a sleeper. Your shoulders are very broad. Trying to just I'm just trying to get you were a skinny guy getting tattoos. Yeah. Yeah. I promise you to be this. Do it. I want to. But before I was like, I didn't have enough root.

My my biceps were this big. So I didn't have any sleeper. So really, yeah, I'm coming in. If I could do it over, I would't have enough root. My biceps were this big. So I didn't have any sleeper. So I'm coming in. If I could do it over, I would get a tattoo here of an ice block and a cat on it. And it's a cool cat. Yeah, that's a cool tattoo. I've seen that. Right. Yeah. That's you can still get it. Friday the 13th tattoo. Not an original.

It is, in fact, a copycat of copycat. No. If you got a cat that said copycat, that would actually make all your copycatting awesome. These are all flash. It's not copycatting, it's getting flash. It's getting classic textures. You know which one is really fucked up is this one. Can you show them this? What's that?

That's- Oh, the Mad TV guy? Yeah, but what's going on? It's Alfred he knew? Yeah, but it's as if he got bit by a- What? Me worry? Yeah, he's a little beat up. Yeah, how'd he get so old? He tried to take the Native America's land. How'd he get so old? It's Alfred he knew yeah, but what me worry bit by a little beat up Yeah, I'm gonna get my stomach like this look at all of us were just oral just gonna fight We've got away if any if someone tried to fuck with this if someone came into this room right now

To try to fuck with the four of us between all the knowledge we have of like wrestling and jujitsu and boxing and copycatting. We could take anybody down. That got nothing from the room. That got nothing. I think the people at home would like it. Did you say copycatting? I did say copycatting. Oh, that's great. Yeah, it was real fun.

You know what I was thinking about? What? I was thinking about my own thing, which is very related. I was thinking about, yeah, but as you were talking, I miss copycatting. Because I was thinking, yeah, but wouldn't it be nice if you had jujitsu? You would wrestling. I had boxing and you had something the fuck else. I would hop on my bike and go get help. Well, they see that's an Ian thing. No more. Or you could just they're really just jumping out. I'm a Booker factory. You could just do a mosh pit thing with the rings and just

like, you know, do that. I kicked him. You you. Yeah, he kicked me directly in the face within within seconds of the mosh. We were moshing. We made it. Oh, really? Oh, you're good. Right. Yeah. We were shooting a we were shooting a sketch about about mosh pits. When? When? A couple of months ago. And it was like and it was the first kids the first take that we did. The first take that we did.

He just fucking shoe right to the right to the job. But I will say I ate it. I ate it. I ate it. It didn't feel great. You got a spin kick to the face. Were you bruised? It's on my Instagram. It's at the end of our sketch. It's on the end. Did you get a karaoke lounge?

No, I didn't get revenge. I'll find a time and a place. I do it through improv. Sip, zap, zap. Yes, and then to that arrow at me. New scene, I'm mad at you and you're sorry. Dude, I remember doing improv exercises and it was so we would do zip zaps up and then you'd have to create a new thing to throw when someone went baby

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We need like a game. Baking cookies. I made cookies for the family reunion. Oh, that's sick. You got chocolate chip going on there? Is that a little oatmeal? What are you scooping out? What are you scooping there? Oh, I'm scooping out the dough I made. It's a new recipe. I got it on Alex Jones's website. It looks like you're making one massive cookie. Yeah, I'm going to make a big cookie for the family and then cut it into pieces, you know, because we're all one. Oh, that's nice. Thank you. Did you say you got that from Alex Jones's? Uh huh. Infowars.com. That's where I get all my recipes. Oh, so is it more of like a flat earth cookie or what do you?

No, it has a lot of titrates and a lot of- Omega's. Omega's and a lot of blue juice. Chew. Methane. It has blue chew in it. We're all gonna fuck each other. Whoa, that's gonna be, as a family-

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's Porto, come to life. Is this how improv works? Is this what it was like? No. We were doing it. Nah, this is actually way off. Yes. How did it work?

My favorite part of improv used to be- We're still in the scene. What I would do, what I would do, well, we're taking a pause. And who knows if we'll get back to it. You're the director? I think, I think, my favorite, well my- You keep at the cookies though.

That was my favorite part. I'm just so glad the family's getting cookies. I was my favorite part of family. That was my favorite part of improv at UCB was like, you know, they would sketch would always get to some weird point where it was just non recoverable and not getting laughs. And then it just took that one person to to run by. And that's like that's what the scene. Yeah. The person that just basically like once a person runs by,

oh, yeah, like Et a sketch is the whole thing. But the timing of them was like a lost art because if you could do it on a big laugh, it was like, oh my god killer. And then it could be a runner. But if someone's just bombing and then they're like, we're gonna all fuck in the family reunion. Then someone just kind of like jogs by. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it also sucks because some people would do it too early and then you'd be like, hey, you're trying to fuck my idea. Also, you do that at a point where you can transition the scene. So instead of like edit like, yeah, we're all going to fuck at the family reunion. You'd run across and go, cut to the family reunion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mom? Yeah. Yeah. That could be a fun thing.

Me and Brianna were so good at improv and the rest of our class wasn't that when somebody would run by the teacher would be like it isn't time yet. Let them go. So then improvise the scene with Mike. I don't know how to improvise like that. Just yes and that's all you gotta do. No I thought you were good at improv. But I thought you like stood in a circle. Yeah. And then they like set you into a position. Yeah. And there's a lot of really bad improv out there. Like we don't just I feel like you like move our bodies and then we begin like that. That is a game that you can't. Is that a game? What's the other game?

There's other games is like the party guess where everyone's got a secret thing and the host has to guess what they are based on. You can't just be like, so Mike, you can. How long have you been my dad? It's all for suggestion. And now we're off to the races. Is that how it works? Yeah, I feel like they wanted your body moving more.

No, that's a certain exercise where you start with your body in a certain way. And then someone tags you, they free go freeze and then they tag you out. They're like, you know. Yeah, I that's fun. I'll do a whole improv. So it was like this. It's literally being like this. It's being like, well, doctor. I'll do a whole improv. So it was like this. It's literally being like this. It's being like, well, doctor. I have to tell you something.

Yes. Other doctor. You. I'm excited to hear the news. You have thought that you're a doctor for this whole time, but really, I'm the doctor and you have a clinical case of whole time, but really I'm the doctor. And you have a clinical case of the copic had to compete. Not the copic had to be. Yeah, it is in fact fatal. Oh no, it is in fact fatal.

It works. See now this is what we would do if we were actually teaching them clinically. Yeah, tell me. Is that we would know where the doc, where doctors watching this in the scene. So when you're delivering news to another doctor about a patient about their psychosis, what you want to do is you don't want to

just break that. It's going to shatter his whole world. You know, like so what we do is doctor, can you just kill me now? OK, I'm dead. Is that what happened? Well, I thought you were gonna tell him he had six months to live. You have six months to live. Yeah, and then that's like a, then that's a jumping off. Oh, okay.

Then you guys have to kind of figure it out. Yeah. Stakes. Yeah. Need stakes. Yeah. But also you're supposed to establish a relationship early so you can build that world. And it's always on the-

You're just trying to get me to be friends with you. We're best friends and we're going to the mall together. We never fight and we're super happy. And apparently both doctors. Yeah. Okay, try one more time. Okay. We have to make steaks.

We have to make steaks. Okay. Don't jump off the ledge like that. I won't. I need to make this steak first. But how does it carry on? Because we got OK. Yes. You do it. Yes.

And now you you're the doctor. He's the patient. He has six months to live. Go. You tell him, start by saying you have six months to live and then just go from there. Six months to live. You don't even have an illness just the amount of cigarettes and the way you live your life. It's six months is about what we have on the clock. By whose calendar?

It's Jordan Jensen. Jordan Jensen's calendar. Yeah, she thinks that you're going to die rapidly. Well, at least can I have an advent calendar where I get to count down the days with chocolate? Of course. Oh, thank God. Will you go chocolate shopping with me? I will not.

I have to distance myself from you emotionally. But I feel like with six months to live, I should, I don't want to be alone. You're the only person I know, doctor. I've been coming here from so many tests. I've lost all my relationships. That's why I got you something. Sorry, I'm having a hard time hearing. That's why I got you something. A little closer.

Yes. Oh my goodness! A puppet me. Will you show me how to use them? Sure will. And sorry, just like me. This is no, he likes that he likes sticks up his ass. This is him. OK, so so how do I use it, doctor?

You you stick the stick up its ass and you say it's OK okay because you're a woman and you have a penis, which doesn't make it gay. Doctor, I have to ask, where did you get your degree? It's none of your business. How come I don't see any of your degrees up on the wall? Why are you dressed like you just got done playing a game for the Rockford Peaches in a league of their own. Marla Pooch. What do you suggest? A lot of night games.

A lot of night games. I don't think you're an accredited doctor. Nurse, nurse, can you come in here? Yes, here I am. Male nurse is very normal these days. Yes. Thanks for settling that. I like to establish that as a thing. He thinks I'm not a doctor. Oh, no. She's 100% a doctor. A doctor of what? Of medicine, of modern medicine, studies. Have you ever heard of someone prescribing someone a puppet when they have six months to live?

Puppet with the stick in their ass. The stick in the ass. Here's the thing. It's a little unorthodox, but that's why Dr. Batavia is one of the best. Batavia. Yeah. Great city, great club. Yep. Now, Janitor... I have to ask you... I was just going to say, does this room need to be cleaned? Sir, he's not a janitor. That's a loose father. That's a father on the loose. In every improv, I'm going to call him a dad. It's a father on the loose

Excuse me doctor. I am a father and a janitor. I'll allow it How how is this supposed to help you live because doctor you think because of the tumor in your head that we're actually friends But in reality you truly have nobody so I've manufactured this puppet out of the sheer kindness of my heart to be a friend for you Okay, so I'll use him as a friend. Okay, great You used my rags by the way to construct this puppet and I don't appreciate it Yeah, by the way, you also missed as a code blue earlier while you were fashioning this puppet So a couple people have died for you heard missing the time for that you'd be a favor. Shut the fuck up doctor I Run by Ian run by that's how it works

Wow now that had to be that was unwatchable Yeah Now that had to be that was unwatchable. I mean, great. Yeah, that was very hot. That was really that was fun. Yeah. Is that what improv is? Why do you keep that? Of course. That's what it is. An improv class is just that pretending to be in. See, and sometimes you do game pretending to be in. See, you're in. Yeah.

I'll tell you what's worse. Bad improv is OK, because you can get out of it. Just like if you were doing stand up, you could like go into crowd work or something if you're bombing. But if you're doing sketch, that's the worst, because people have they have callbacks to things. So it's like their first. I remember seeing a UCB sketch one time and the first joke bombed. And they were like, that's my mama or whatever.

And then it got nothing. And they had four callbacks to it. And each time you could just see them hurtling towards the iceberg. Like when like like an SNL type thing. But you see me to sketch like stage sketch where it's written. Yeah. And by like and they memorize it just like SNL. Oh, and it's like bombing and it's bombing and you can't get out of it because there's you have to stick to the script.

You can't improvise. Oh, no. Yes. It's it's it's one of the most painful things to see. More over bad. Bad improv is very hard to watch. But a bad improv changes, doesn't it? Like you could change the scene a lot. Sketches, you're stuck in the scene and it's bad. And you can't even be like, yeah, somebody else wrote that. It's like you wrote it most likely if you're performing in it. But I like living and dying by what your whatever your art form is.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do enjoy that. Like when somebody you know, it's much it's much more fun for me to watch somebody legitimately bomb trying to do, you know, things they're prepared on. Than somebody who's like yucking it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather watch somebody bomb with doing their own stuff. Hi. How did you know I was looking at you? Because I have eyes? Yeah, but your face is covered.

That was really scary. I looked down, Ian's face is totally covered, and it just looked up at me. That was so scary. Hi. Dude, this is a great puppet. Whoever made that. Is this a, depending on the shot.

Shout out Tim Howe. He's making a Jordan puppet, and it's going to be wonderful. Wow. This is fantastic. And that's the future of the podcast. Just your puppets. Yeah, I think they'll transition to puppetry. This is actually helping my back

and it's a way that I could get to sit closer to Jordan. That's true. Now, let me answer this. And to a lesser extent, and I'm sorry, are you guys going to live stream your boxing trainings? I hope in this world that in this new world that we live in. You saw how sweaty he'll die. Put him up.

Put up your dukes. Don't you think the fans would want to see? Punch. Two. Flip. Speaking of, speaking of boxing though, can I ask you this? This might be, I don't want to ruffle any feathers. Feeny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just ask. When Jordan gets a puppet. Oh, when when Jordan gets up, that's my face. I was trying to black girl. No, Ian and I'm no longer going to do that anymore. You're trying to help him. I was saying when Jordan gets the puppet, is that copycatting? Oh, Ian had the puppet made of me.

Oh, he made my puppet first and then I said you need to make one for Jordan. Right. OK, so that totally different. She's not. It's Adam and Eve. Wow. Attention. That earnest thank you.

So like he thought I was going to hit him. The relief of me not killing him with the pillow. Attention! Attention! I would just like to say, I, sure, you could call that copycatting, but I would never say that you were copycatting.

You gotta go like this. Hello. Hello. There you go. Never copycat. No, I me. All right. You're not. I got to scratch my nuts. Sorry. I know. No, I open. Just open the puppet's mouth when you open your mouth.

Guess what? It's hard to control because it hurts your hand. Yeah. But when I look at that puppet, not if they're just going. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Blood running through them. Yeah. My arm is up. OK. Yeah, but when I look at that puppet, not if they're just going chomp chomp chomp. We have arteries with blood running through them. Yeah, but my arm is up, okay? It's like, yo, none of you have ever tried this before. The puppet has my blood pressure.

Okay, lay on the ground and try. I think the pupper has a puppet-assigned potential. Yeah, lay on the ground and, no, no, you gotta keep the arm up. Yeah, do it. Keep your arm up and see how it hurts. Help. I love to dance and dance. Now that's puppetry. This is puppetry. Wow. I guess you're copying my puppetry. This is puppetry. That's Ian's actual shirt.

That's the shirt I wore during my special. That's the shirt I wore during my special. Isn't that nice? And the shoes. It is nice. And no, I didn't wear those shoes. I wore my Nikes. But those are good shoes. I would never. Hey, Ian, it seems like your hand is starting to hurt. You're lowering your arm a little. Hmm. Oh, OK. Now, Ian, why don't you tell us the story? Well, one day I was sitting in an Uber and the Uber driver was just trying to do his job. But I said to him, hey, Uber driver, what if I talk into the corner of the room?

Our friends were over there. Oh God, the bug eye look. What if I sucked your cock? What if I went over there and I sucked your cock right off? I mean, I'm seeing it. I'm seeing it. The words are coming out of the Ian puppet for all I know. Could I drive for free?

You're in your Uber driver. He told me the story on the Patreon by the way. I liked it. I liked it. Then the Uber driver said, no, I have a family that goes against my values. And I said, what if I pay you to let me suck you up? Years ago I was drunk in an Uber. That's you dude.

That's you. Years ago I was drunk in an Uber and I didn't have money to pay, so I offered to suck his dick. And he said, I have a family. He wouldn't let me. He said, I thought I was picking up a vibe. So he said, you said, I don't have money, I'll suck you off.

And then he said, no, I have a family. And then you said, what if I paid? She made that up. He said, this isn't a Lyft. We have class and dignity here. No little mustaches on our cars. Remember when they were doing mustaches on their cars? The little lifts in the beginning?

In the front? Right where the headlights were? Sorry, sorry, Ian, you were saying something? Remember when PT Cruisers had eyelashes? Oh yeah, and reindeer horns for Christmas. Antlers. They're horns. Oh yeah, and reindeer horns for Christmas. Antlers. They're horns. You ever see the truck with the realistic dead deer in the back? The sticker? No. Brutal. You ever see trucks with the realistic bullet hole stickers?

That's cool. I've seen the ones. I was thinking about getting a bullet hole. Fake bullet hole. Oh, yeah. You're going to get it. Oh, yeah. You're going to get the numbing cream for your bullet hole. Oh, that's cigarette burning. Yeah. He got numbing cream for your bullet hole. How that cigarette. Yeah. He got numbing cream. He's getting numbing cream now. He's a. I got a tattoo.

Used numbing cream. Did not hurt. Only a little pinch. It healed in less than a week. I love you like this. Why would you healed in less than a week? And let me tell you, I think I've earned it with all these. I've sat through countless hours you can't get a tattoo without numbing cream it's time to not get tattoos guess what I don't care it just like it on tattoo

couch you guys have many I got really yeah yeah yeah No, no butts. Oh my god. Wow your penis line Yeah, that's You won't see nothing. That's well, he's got one with an arrow. This is this way to paradise I'm getting a pile. I'm getting a pile skulls on my belly on your belly Yeah, I can like you where your belly button is Yeah, Scott move the fuck over you get so close to me Did you ask them about the did you ask the tattoo artists about the numbing cream? What they thought about whether they like, respect you or not? Yeah, he couldn't tell at all.

Oh. Do you ever think you're just doing the numbing cream, no tattoo? I actually, I actually did that because I was debating if I was going to get my stomach or not. So I numbed up my stomach and my hip, went with the hip stomach numb for like five hours. I'm telling you, I don't care. Think what you wanna think. I've earned, I've sat through enough and gone through enough pain with all these.

I've earned some fucking numbing cream. Think what you want. I don't care, go ahead, yawn more, Ethan. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. I like the numbing cream thing where it's like you put it all over your body and then dare a train to hit you.

How about that? Yeah. I'll tell you this. How about that? You should try it. It honestly. I'm fine with the pain. I enjoy the pain. That's why I get tattoos. There is something about when that when there's like they're in whatever that spot is. And it always gets to the point where I go, man, I'd really enjoy if this would end. And then they move one quarter of an inch. And it's like the

greatest feeling in the world. You're like, hallelujah, I could do this for hours. And then all of a sudden he goes, is it going to annoying again? And then they move a little bit and you're like, sweet relief. It feels real. I know the best feeling I've ever had love. I never had a less come contagious. My last sexual sexually transmitted disease I had when I was 19 on my vagina, on my pubic mound.

OK, you're going to make puppety. It's not only sexually transmitted is brutal. The pubic mound. That's a pubic mound. It's not the mons pubis. I wish we could play back that sound a thousand times. I'm like, you know, going now. Now. Wow. Pubis. It's called the mons pubis.

And it was the itchiest bumps in the entire world. And they're look like they're look like little bubbles. And you canis. And it was the itchiest bumps in the entire world. And they look like they look like little bubbles. And you can get kids get it all the time. Let's not through sex, but just through touching contact. And they said, do you want to do you want to freeze it off or acid it off? And I said, I sent it. And as each drop of acid dropped on us, it was the best feeling because the itch is bone deep, bone deep.

And when they drop that on it and it stops and it sizzles and that's it sizzled. Oh, yeah. Like I'm picturing green bubbling acid. Yeah, like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Yeah, yeah. It's more whitish, but it's sizzles. Well, yeah. And it didn't do you don't have scarring. I do have one scar. OK.

Because there was one part where I go, do it again. And she hit it twice. Wow. She hit it twice. Did you get it again so that you get them frozen off the second time and then- I would have got it burned off. There's no way I could pivot after the feeling the burn.

I would get them again so that I could burn it. But maybe the frozen one is better. Maybe it's even better. Feeling it as you think? I don't know. Now freezing doesn't feel- Have you ever gotten poison ivy? You know what I haven't?

No. What? Yeah. Have you ever gotten a horse fly bite. You ever gotten. Yeah, I've had that imagine dropping some acid on that The stop texting that whore she's not a whore she's a nice fuck show them your face and show them their face and ask if That's a whore. She's not a whore. She's a nice person. I don't appreciate you say it for wives It don't send selfies looking like fucking insane clown posse. She doesn't look like insane clown posse you fucking jealous bitch or Okay, man. All right. No, I like it. I Gotta see what doesn't look like a whore very pretty Thank you. Yeah, the neck the neck tattoo will give me pink eyeshadow. She's Brazilian That's a good excuse. She's not even here legally Jordan. Yes. Is she yeah, okay. I was just checking

If Brazilian girl is watching I know you can't speak English because you're an illegal immigrant, but I call everybody a whore I don't really your wh're sprinting from ice right now. Watching the premiere on YouTube. Smuggling heroin. He is great. And how long has this been going on? I'm going to actually be a dad now. Yeah. How long has this been happening?

Improv. A while. Please be a dad for me and Ian. But how is it? Yeah, be our dad. How did you guys meet? Why'd you leave? Why did you die when I needed you? Seriously, I had to teach myself how to shave. Same. If that's not a clip, I don't know what it is. That's a clip. That's the one. See you soon. Dude, that was a chunk. Dude.

He pulled it, looked at it, and went and then went like this. No, no, no, no, no. That was a mustache hair. I don't think it was, dude. A one pony of the fucking truth. And then you literally looked at it and went, ugh, and then you put it on the couch. It was a mustache hair, you stupid idiot. Why do you get so angry? Because I hate being accused of stuff that's not true. What? Put it on the couch. It was a mustache hair you stupid idiot. Why do you get because they angry?

I hate being accused of stuff. That's not true What I said Ian gets hot fast. He gets hot. Yeah, I'm hot-headed over stuff. That's not true Well, if it was a fucking loogie, I'd have gone I'd have gone it was a Luger, but it was a mustache hair. Okay. Why'd you put it on the couch? Where else am I supposed to put it? I can make a wish. Yeah My face I don't know what to tell you Is the grand jury feels like a grand jury

Patreon comm slash beanie and pod five thousand he shapes a mustache Yeah, that's a good you cancom slash beanie and pod five thousand he shaves a mustache. That's a good You can drop right after we get to five For how long just once we just need it's gonna be so scary dude and Jordan. I shave your pubic mound Thousand Jordan will shave her head at no way. Um, here's the only thing I have going for me I'm going to shave her head. No way. My hair is the only thing I have going for me. You have so much going for you.

Aw, there it is. Dude, Ian's going to shave that mustache and it's just, there's going to be no upper lip. It's just going to be gum. I have a look at the picture. Look at the picture. But you're making a face in that. No, that's great. He's smiling.

He's not making a face. I think you should shave it just to shave it. That's a great shot. That's a great picture, dude. He's just smiling. That's fantastic. That's a great shot. That's a great picture, dude. That's not a natural face. He's just smiling.

That's fantastic. That was a regular smile. Smile the way that you- You can't get- Get to 5,000 guys so that he can shave it. That's great, dude. That's what you're doing in that picture, right? I love it.

I don't see a way in which you can get rid of that mustache if this is what's behind there. You look like you're constantly wearing a snorkel. which you can get rid of that mustache. If this is what's behind there. You look like you're constantly wearing a snorkel. Like this. It's not like that. Feeny, my smile kind of looks like yours. No it's not. Don't you even.

That's exactly what it is. Like a scars guard. That's not how I look. This picture. Yeah. I think that's a great one. That's, I'm like this. It's not a great one. That's I'm like this. It's not a good smile.

Put that away. That should be an album cover man. Put both of those away. Dude look. I'll show you one. I was hot. Is this? Are we all showing pictures of ourselves from the past?

You got one? You have really good ones. I have good ones. Your headshot at the cellar is so sick. It's so sick. I got made fun of. You're really smoldering in that. You are smoldering. Oh, my God. Let's see if Caitlin Palufo can take my spot tonight. Please say yes.

That doesn't mean anything. Well, you look like a true baby. You got punched in the face. I got a rock. Was that you? That's you. That's me. Wow. You look totally different. Why are your eyes a different color? Oh, you should do that.

I got a rocks glass shattered on my face. You look way younger there. I got a bar fight. You look like Joe List. That's who you look like. You do kind of look like Joe List. Same upper lip. Zoom in. You do look like Joe List. Same upper lip. Zoom in. You do look like Joe List. Wow. That's great. That's a you're that's a different person. Yeah. Oh, can you tell I was on pills?

Yeah. A little puffed. How many tattoos did you have back then? Just two. Wow. That was two tattooed. Two thousand seven. Lucy. This is my grandfather. Is the part of the podcast where we just look at pictures on our camera phone. Nah, your upper lip's fucked. It's bad for the people listening in the car. How many Patreon do we have?

Yeah, yeah. Seventeen? We need one more! All right! You guys are wildly successful. Yeah, that mustache is safe for another while. Yeah, we really got to opt for Patreon. Why don't you make it 2,000 Patreon members?

2,000? Yeah, get to 2,000. Yeah, 2,000. All right, I'll shave it off at 2,000. That's fantastic. is safe for another while. But we really got to make a 2000 Patreon members. Two thousand. Yeah, get to 2000. Yeah, 2000. That's fantastic.

2000. There we go. Heard it here. Yep. Grade school. That's a great one. Hey, you look like somebody else. You look like a ventriloquist puppet. That's only three hundred Patreon more that we need to get the mustache off. No, 2500.

2500. 2500. You just changed. That's fair. We ordered in the court. 2500. That's so many. That's great.

You wearing a durac? Oh, that's like the Axl Rose thing. That's actually pretty cool. Damn. All right, enough of the pictures. Yeah, Ian, you're addicted to your phone. You're lost in the sauce. All right. So you're picture. Yeah. Ian, you're addicted to your phone. You're lost in the sauce. All right.

So you're shaving it. It's going to be big. Twenty twenty five hundred. You see how cushions are separated? Ethan said that they that we're not doing such a wide lens, so I have to be closer. Hmm. If that's the case, then that whole puppet thing. Yeah, I was going to say. The whole puppet thing is off camera. That's off camera.

Yeah, it's just the shoes. Just dangling. It's a real tight shot. I already just started licking my ankle. Scared the shit out of me. Twenty five hundred patrons. I will shave my mustache. That's seven hundred more.

Will you live stream it? That's like twice as much as what we have. We'll live stream it. Twenty seven hundred patrons. Stop anting it up. That's like twice as much as what we have. Yeah, we'll live stream it. Live stream the shaving. 2,700 patrons. Stop ante-ing it up. I didn't. 2,000. 900.

It'll come right back. Yeah. Yeah, you grow officially fat. It'll come back in less than a week. 2,500. 2,500. 23. My lucky number.

23. My lucky number. 23. Special. 2300. How many more is that? 600? It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot of money.

We're never gonna get that. We should. Our Patreon's great. Yeah. We've been going for six years, and we only have seven years. Yeah, and I want to do more things than you won't do any of them.

We could have so much more if you just put in a little bit of effort. I'm down to do things separately. Let's go to the beach. This has turned into a production meeting. I'm what? This has turned into a production meeting. Yeah, I'm fine with going places with nine other people and a sweat suit to protect me from your touch.

Let's bring friends. Let's go places and I won't touch you. That's fine. I'll bring friends. Let's go places and I won't touch. That's fine. I'll go places. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go to the beach. That's why everybody. Are you garbage? They do a whole thing of them and their friends. I know. And they make a ton of fucking money. We do make money. The same. Yeah. You just have to plan it. They give their guests a lot of money. I have no problem planning. But then the last minute I forgot I have a zoom doctor. I locked myself in my apartment today. You had a zoom at 4 30. I canceled it. Didn't I cancel it? And that was a big deal. Thank you. And not touching. And I thank you.

That's great. Yes. Now we're friends. If you don't touch me and give me physical space, we're best friends. What about phone space? Can you just respond? I mean, this is the pot call and the kettle black. Both of you are not bad too. Of course. He said, I never know. I've never been back in the text line. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. You're bad at responding to people. Yeah. Very bad. Terrible. Oh, OK. But you know, he goes, just call me. Yes. Yeah. I'm way better with all that.

I will phone call it up all day, but tax, I get overwhelmed and I have a hard time getting back and I think about it every day. And then two weeks later, I respond. Yeah. Delayed improv. That's right. That's right. I have delayed improv syndrome. Dude, let's go to the beach. What are you doing Friday? Fourth of July? Oh, okay. God.

These holidays are killing us. During the week. Yeah. During the week, let's go. Let's, here's the thing. We'll go to Coney Island. We will go on the rides and play games. Great. That sounds great. OK, learning it right now during the week.

What are you doing next week? I'll be I'm leaving for two and a half weeks to go on vacation. Well, where are you going to my home? Oh, nice, nice, nice. Yeah, she was yelling with her mom on the phone. I said a five foot fan. Oh, my mom is driving me fucking crazy. She refutes, she got to do all the fucking things

and she goes, she's freaking sends the email. I go five feet. She goes, I said five feet. I go, here's a picture of the email. She goes, I don't give a shit what I said. I'm like, okay, how do we fight? Wow. The way you are.

The way your mom is with you is the way you are with me. It doesn't feel good. Does it I? Deal with it no touching Respecting boundaries very good Jordan. Do you have a contractor fight with your mom or is it mother-daughter or is it customer contract? Is your mom doing the time? I say bitch. You're the contractor. You don't get the fucking yellow right? Yeah I didn't said when I said, bitch, you're the contractor. You don't get to fucking yell at me. Yeah. I didn't even pay your back. You're the employee. I should do that to her.

I'm the fucking. I'm giving you a fucking deal and I already bought the supplies. You're fucking paying me, Jordan. You're the employee. Be here next week. And we're gonna have fun. Yeah.

Well, that's the wrong approach to take. That's not gonna make for a fun podcast. Jordan, do you ever say to your mom as a contractor, take me to court? I think the court. I mean, the court. No, really, take me to court. I have heard my mom say that a lot. I'd like to see you try claims scores. I want to go. You want to go to your just duty.

Drop everything in my life to watch you and your mom represent yourself in small claims court. It would really be my buddy was my buddy was on the people's court. And he was yeah he like he broke a like a window at his aunt's house and then they because you know they pay for it if you're like wrong. Like that's why people go on there and like embarrass themselves is because they'll if they're like you know if you lose they'll pay the fine or whatever it is to do it. Yeah so you just it's kind of like a way for people who don't have a lot of money. They're like, yeah, let's go on there.

You can embarrass. But then he did the woman shit all over my friend. It was like and he had his girlfriend as a character witness and she called him up and she's like, he's a piece of shit. Break up with him. He sucks. And then ruled against him. Yeah. And they broke the fee for it. They paid the fee. Yeah. But then they broke. Also, the relationship ended pretty quickly thereafter.

But oh, wow. Yeah, it was it was that show business. Yeah, it's the way to the top. You know, my mom took my dad, dad to court to get custody and had 18 pieces of evidence of that he threatened her life. And 18 to get custody. Isn't that crazy? Seems like too many pieces. I think way too many. Like, what was the evidence? One is good.

What was the evidence? Passion thing. No, I think by the evidence, I feel like one is good. One is a passion thing. The evidence was emails being like, I'm gonna kill you. Double digits, you got me hooked. It's so cool your dad was alive during email. And pictures of stabs. Pictures of my mom that were stabbed with knives. Wait, your mom got stabbed by your dad? No, no, pictures of my mom that my dad stabbed.

Oh, your dad stabbed pictures. Like fucking. What does he Robert De Niro in the stand? I was just gonna say in Cape Fear. That's crazy. Yeah, that's nuts. Now you have to have way more than that to get custody, which is crazy. By the way, what were you guys down?

Because we were down around the in the village of the cellar for pride. Were you guys down there? I was. I was away. What is going? What happened? What is it? What is it? I pictured just a neighborhood of Andy Cohen's and people dressed as mermaids. And it was. Yeah. What was it? At night, it was like a street fair in the Bronx, essentially.

It was a shooting in the park. Yeah. There were tear gas. People were getting tear gas. It was great. It was chaos. Yeah. Was it was there any. But I think that's foreplay pageantry. No, not really.

Thank you. No fancy. No fancy. I wasn't there for the parade. We were there for like the hang commonality among all the people involved. Right. What's that? Were they all black? All black.

Really? All black. It is a predominantly black. Every year at Pride, and look, it's just a fact. Every year at Pride, it congregates in Washington Square Park in the West Village, and it is 99.999% black, and 99.99% of the time it gets out of control.

But is it white earlier? And then the whites go home? Yeah, I think it's gotta be. The whites go home. But it seems like it's also like black teenagers who also don't seem gay. That's why they closed Washington Square Park at midnight because teenagers have taken over and trouble starts.

And that's why they were shooting last year. Four street vendors got beat up, had to go to the hospital. But sometimes Washington Square Park is so cool. It's just like a little old lady playing chess and then like, Oh, dude, it's a guy free basing. During the day, there's there's all these people overdosing on heroin in the corner of the park. Yeah. It's like other people twerking over their bodies. I'm not I'm not saying it was Zora. Not with Zoltar. Not with. He's going to clean it up. Don't mess

with the Zohan. He's taking police out of the subway station and putting social workers there. Yeah. Yeah. Some of the women named Kathy. When someone's getting. Yeah. Yeah. Now it's getting or in a goal. I believe that you have multiple personalities. If there's one thing people who are in a drug fueled craze like to do, it's be talked to about their feelings. Let me tell you this. Okay. What I said, there's no racist component to it.

It is what it is. And the fact of the matter is it is a predominantly black young crowd that goes to the park and goes fucking nuts every year of pride. It's like it was it was pretty I mean the fact that tear gas had to come in there was a shot in the park. There was a shooting. I'm telling you last year they beat up like four different hot dog vendors at the fucking park. It's just good. We walked back to our... What are you giggling about? It does sound fun.

We walked in solidarity. No, I mean dude... Hot dogs are really bad for you. If I was a kid... What are you giggling about? We are. It does sound fun. We walked in solidarity. No, I mean, dude. But hot dogs are really bad for you. If I was a kid, here's the thing. That's true. The reason why it's predominantly black is because this is a predominantly black city. And if I was like a young kid and all my friends were wilding out, I'd be right there with

them. But we need law and order. Okay. I just think we should have smarter cops, just better trained. Cops should be trained in jujitsu. And every fucking nine to twelve months They should go through some psychiatric workshop where they learn de-escalation tactics that are not fucking yelling anger and violence I'm like, how come every one of my fat comic friends knows jujitsu, but not any cop can like taste somebody correctly

It's crazy cops are busy on their phones. Yeah It's crazy. The cops are busy on their phones. Yeah, they're busy on their phones. Yeah, they get they're busy getting massive tribal tattoos to be fucking Candy Crush. No, but there is more of a presence. Like I saw cops. We saw cops on every corner, every corner, like seven cops. They were all just chilling, hanging out. But they were like on every corner in Austin.

You ever go to Austin at Sixth Street? It's like it's wild. It's AK-47. It's wild. And the cops are all standing around. Just getting ready for a ride. I think we need more horse cops No, I don't like horses being used for things. What else are they gonna be used for? They should be wild and free Happy wild happy and free Ian Fyance YouTube special. Motorcycle cops now bicycle cops But let the bicycle cops suck. Bicycle cops are the lowest. Ninety five percent of cops suck. Let's be honest.

I'd say it's a high number. I think I think it's high also. And this is coming from a guy who looks like one of them. Yeah. Yeah. They need to be. They have a very, very difficult. It's like teachers. It's very brutal. I can't imagine anybody wanting to become a cop.

That's the difference. It used to want to like people used to want to be cops because you're like, Oh, I'm the neighborhood cop. I get a good pension and all this stuff. And now it's become such like this. Like you go like if you every time you, if you every time you went to do a standup set, if people were like holding a phone in your face, be like, do something pig. You're like, you know, it's like crazy. I heard that heckled.

All right, we're gonna wrap up. You guys are the best. What are you doing? Thank you guys. Your joke was funny. Somebody was looking at you on stage, you're like this, and they're like, do something big. And you're like, oh. You just start going, yeah.

Soft shoeing. Feeny, what do you want the people to get eyes on? Hi. Hi, soft shoeing. Feeny, what do you want the people to get eyes on? I'd like people to get eyes on my new show called Co-host Wanted with Mike Feeny. Each week I interview someone to be the potential co-host of the show permanently going forward. It's very fun. Jordan's episode is out now and Ian Finance's episode is coming out. It might already be out depending on when this comes out.

I'm still waiting for the call to see if I got it. Yeah, at the end of the season I'm going to let the person know who got it, but it's very fun. Check it out. YouTube dot com slash Mike, many comedy. I'll also be in Boston and other cities. Mike, many comedy dot com for tickets. Thank you so much. Mike Vecchione. I have a new special out called Low Income White. Thank you. Please watch it for free, which is good for low income whites and others. So it's low income white. It's on YouTube.

Please watch it. Follow me at Comic Mike V. And you can find all my dates. It's awesome. The best Jordan. Punch up live dot com slash. Oh, not com. Punch up dot live. Punch up. Punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. She's going all over. She's going to Europe. Netflix special out September 9th.

Dallas is my next day. Congrats. Oh yeah. September 9th. My Netflix special is coming out. September 9th. That's what you need to. Ianfidance.com for all my dates. I'm also playing Dallas, but it was booked before Jordan, so I'm not copycatting. Oklahoma City, breakdown comedy club, Indianapolis helium, just added Buffalo helium, Oxford, levity live, Brea, Irvine, EFI dance.com for all my tickets. I was first. EFI dance.com for tickets. Patreon.com. Austin, Austin, coming to Austin, Texas.

It's patreon.com slash. Austin, Austin coming to Austin, Texas. I'm, I'm, I'm 2, 2500 patrons and I'm shaving my mustache. See you next time. Bye bye. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.