Bein' Ian With Jordan - Date Night | Bein' Ian with Jordan #172

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Mommy & Daddy go solo this week to talk all things LOVE and how much they both suck at it. It's a real "will they/won't they". They won't. Plus, guest producer Patrick guides them through multiple dating scenarios. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - Rula patients typically pay $15 per session when using insurance. Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/IAN #rulapod -F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code FIENDCLUB15 at https://www.theperfectjean.nyc/FIENDCLUB15 #theperfectjeanpod - Download Cash App Today https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/jy7kvwno #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstophttps://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstopSee Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69https://instagram.com/ianimal69/See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being in. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, being in and life is shit with you're positive.

Positive. Let's find out what it's like to live alive. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan. Meow. They're cutters in the fridge. They're fucked up.

They're good, right? I put him in the fridge because it makes them better. It's really good. Mm-hmm. Chilled pretzels. Coyote, come here. Chilled pretzels. Come.

Come. Up, up, up. Come, my lady. Come, come, my lady. You're my butterfly, sugar, baby. Oh, hey, God. Who? Shifty shell shock from, um, butterfly.

No, sick town, crazy town. Remember? You're my butterfly, sugar, baby. Come, my lady, come, come, my lady. You're my butterfly. I remember my friend of Riem posted a Twitter that said John Malay. John John Malaney It was really good

Underreem used to really make me laugh Yeah On machine Monday to do a pot with Darby Allen I will be from AEW In Europe Oh fuck that's right When do you leave

Oh When do you leave? Saturday Wow are you excited Mm-hmm Well Coyote's coming Wow

Are you bringing Jake Who's Megan? Who's Megan? A friend from Nashville. Oh, that's great. What is he writing down? He takes notes to see which things would be good for clips. What a producer?

You've... Glitter. You got eyelash on your face later So what's up? What happened on the tour? How to go? Fucking awesome. Played Red Rocks.

It was the coolest shit in the world. I can't even It's like I don't even know if it's worth describing with how fucking amazing it was. It was just like the coolest experience ever. Burton Leanne got us all cabins. we came in a day early and it was a two minute walk into this little town

and you'd walk over a bridge over a creek and then you'd walk up a road and then you go to these like wood shacks in this town you go here and you go there and it was such a fucking wild full circle moment because I remember you don't remember anything I say but I told you before about my old agent

last year or the year before completely fucked me with Bert because I opened the forum at the key of forum It fucked me too I got fucked with my agent I did Bert's podcast and he goes Yeah your agent told me you didn't want to come on the road with me And I was like I would have loved that

Dude what is up with these people No idea Yo well I'll fucking tell you this That guy that when Bert Hit us up and was like hey What's Ian's avail for this theater tour and they my agent never asked my avails

never got back I caught him in a lie he totally they must not fucked it over huh I think it's because they don't take a cut yeah but that's such

shitty fucking behavior crazy but I think that must be what it is because if it happened to both of us I don't know but well no this guy was he's a quintessential like Bubby you're a star what's up

I've been telling everyone how great you are like that kind of agent you know so that was actually for the best because it got me to leave that company and then i've been with cAA ever since shout out shult shout out burgo shout out seraphina you're the best i love you thank you for henry they are the best they take care of me they make me feel wanted it's amazing i'm so happy there but i get called again to open for bert now not on a theater tour an arena tour on the tour bus amazing first date red rocks whoa better than ever the day we're performing at red rocks i get a call from that scum fuck agent and he goes hey long time no talk i just don't let you know you're one of your current agents just left c aa and i don't know

if you heard or not but um you know uh i go hey sorry i can't talk long i'm i'm actually opening for bird at red rocks i'm on a arena tour with them and he goes oh great well i won't take up much of your time but um like i said your agent left and uh Sorry, I have to be the bearer of bad news, but I know things didn't end well with us. I'd love the chance to make it up to you and work with you again and really kind of take care of you and really make it work. Don't give me an answer now. Think about it. I go, hey, no, I can give you an answer now.

The answer is no. I don't want to work with you. Our relationship can be friendship, but professionally I have no interest in working with you. So thank you. And he was like, oh, okay. And I go, yeah, have a great day. and it was so serendipitous for that to happen the day I'm opening for Bird at Red Rocks after he fucked me a year ago how crazy is that now say it with me

god is a boy it's true is there is there coffee in there yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's mine give it Already got you with macha. I drank it out. That's not. Hold on. It's a shoe, not a phone.

It's a shoe, not a phone. What happened to the phone? I told you. Give me a sip. One sip. I will. You will have a sip if you accept those earrings I bought you. You may feed it to my mouth.

It didn't even get in me. Engle the straw down. You're angling it out of the water. It's not. No water is coffee. Well, I have you ever seen. Have you ever seen that video of the Taylor Swift song that goes, uh, oh, oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble. But instead of her, it's a goat, and the goat goes, nah, nah, you looked like the goat.

What do they look like? They're like this. Make the noise. Do the noise. Which one? Me. They go like this. Ah!

Wait, what was the... Have you seen the goats that go like this? No. Those aren't goats? Those are giraffes. Those are camels. I have a video that you will fucking love. Really quick.

Sorry, Patreon. Wait, is it the AI video that old woman getting hit in the chest with a shirt can? I'm telling you this is a video. I saw that and thought. It was real. And you were really going to love it. Also, I've been seeing all these George Floyd Charlie Kirk AI videos. Think real hard.

Make a wish. Right. All right. Now blow. Hard. Right. No. We.

We. We. We. She's holding it in the end of the eyes. She goes, wait. She goes, okay, now blow. Oh, no, blow. Why?

That much funny. It's really weird. Why? I understood everything she was thinking. She's, like, scared. Why? It's just really quick. I want you to think real hard.

Make a wish. Right. All right, now blow. Hard. Why? This is very watchable just so you know, like if you guys want to reenact memes without showing the visual, that could be a whole segment.

Yeah. Is that? Are you lying? No, that's hysterical to watch the two of you. I just feel like we should do either mind meld or heads up for old time's sake. Oh my God. At the meeting greet in Idaho. They give you a heads.

up game no people they're mind melded with each other randomly in line to pass the time and they said they learned it from our podcast guess what my meet and greet does to pass the time what coyote walks up and down the line panties panties one two three pizza I don't have a word okay erase everything one raise everything hold on Now blow. Why? Make a wish.

Now blow. Oh, blow. Why? Why? Why? Sometimes I don't realize the reach of this podcast because we put that clip out last week about celibacy. And I've had so many people that I've seen recently. be like

so you're celibate so you're trying to be celibate and I'm like how'd you find that out like it's everywhere I'm like uh it's so weird something like that happened to me recently too where I said something

and they're like oh yeah because so and so I was like how dare you yeah I forget what it was though why okay also I have another one

one that you will fucking love I hope you haven't seen it out okay why why dude hold on i don't think my charlie kirk george floyd memes will

translate i mean i don't watch those these people just send me these if you get this question papica can continue what is that what is this what is this what is this

it keeps me off of How do you get that? It's called OneSec. Where do you do it? You download an app. See, now I will tell it that I just need like seven minutes. Continue to answer you. I, you know, I...

If you get this question, right, you have five seconds to pick up whatever you want. All right. Ten times 10 minus 50. 50. Five. Four. Not my cat. Three.

Not my cat. He's a homeless guy and he just goes, five. He starts counting and just walks right up to the bodega. A good cat. Not my cat. It's the best video. Not my cat. He's like, okay. Moving on. Again, again. It's so good. If you get this question, right? You have five seconds to pick up whatever you want. 10 times 10 minus 50. 50. Five, four. Not my cat. Not my cat

Also I feel like he just guessed the number 50 And it happened to be right So for clarity the guy said you could pick up anything in the store as a prize I'll be the guy You'll be the bodega Welcome to my bodega O T for five things Anything you want answer my question

10 times 10 minus 50 50 5 4 not my cat Oh, without a doubt, I'm cat shopping. Oh, my God. I'm really good at ping pong. I got a ping pong and Eugene. I love ping pong.

We should play ping pong. I really want to play. I love. I've been painting. We should put gopros on our heads and play ping pong. Okay. Or just play for fun. Yeah.

Puppet time? Where do you stand on pickleball? That's sweeping the nation. Never played it. but I love, oh, that's nice. Tommy just sucks to me. I've been collecting these cigarette memes to send you. That's funny.

Tennis I love. I like it, but ping pong I really like. Ping pong is so fun. Can you make it spin? Yeah. I can play ping pong with two paddles. Can you do that? No.

No, I can't. You can't. You could. Let me tell you and Dan did. What? We played ping pong. Okay, and then whenever the ping pong ball would go off the table, Coyote, we wanted to catch it and bring it back to us.

That's so good. That's so good. Because you know how ping pong ball does fly. They fly around and you can't get it back. They fly around and you can't get it. And she has the dexterity to know not to bite through the ball. She did not bite through the ball. She can't.

Wow. Wow. Actually, she wanted to, but. See, I got to get Glenn out there. Well, I was in the woods in Eugene, and this couple's walking up. and I saw them and I was like, oh, more people walking small dogs, not small dogs, two cats. I say to the woman, I want to keep a minimal talk because I know how cat people are. So I go, oh, nice. Wait, she had a cat?

Two. Walking. On leash. Were they nice? Yeah, Tabby's orange. And she walks up to me, this is how high autism is in Oregon. She walks up to me and I was like, oh, cool cats. And she goes, she goes, look at this.

Shows me a video of literally four seconds earlier of the cats walking the trail. And I was like, yeah, I can hear my voice going, oh, no. Nice, cats. And she was like, yeah, this one has two extra toes in my face. And I was like, okay, cool. And she was like, they're actually not orange tabbies. They're Orjicomachis. And they come from this place.

And we've been driving around in an RV. Yeah, well, basically the entire economy shut down where we're from. So we just decided, let's get on the road. And I was like, I'm going to. And I tell you, say how you feel about that person on three. One, two, three. I love her. All I want is for someone.

to yap, yap, yap about their cat, cat, cat. I think we should try and get you on the autism show to find your wife. Dude, I really would like that. I think we should do that. I would love for someone that I could be able to update things to and then them update me things to and then not get mad at me. You're going to be autistic. Okay.

I think it could be a cat-centric autism show, potentially. There could be, they all have to be cat owners. Turning your head. Yes, Patrick? You're an angel. Yes, Matt, Okay, cat-centric show. You're going to be full.

I'll be autistic too, okay? Okay. All right, you introduce us. We're on a date. Go ahead, Patrick. Okay, next we meet Ian and Jordan out to dinner on their very first date. Are those glasses for seeing or for comfortable?

Actually, both, because they keep me comfortable and I can also see out of them. And without them, it's harder. it's harder for me to see. May, may, may, may, may, may, may, may give you a compliment? Um, yes, I have 12 times that you can give me a compliment before I get uncomfortable and I have to touch. One, you look very pretty in the glasses.

Thanks. You look very pretty without the glasses. Thank. Should I use all my compliments now? The date proceeded like this for two more hours, but our crew went into overtime. Second hour. Yeah, they do be talking like that.

Did you know. that cats evolutionarily speaking develop their meow not to communicate with each other but to communicate with us. No way. Yes.

And did you also know that they like being up high that they like surveying their kingdom? That's why they're vertical creatures. Oh yes. That's why sometimes at the zoo you see leopards up in a tree branch. That is right

why you see leopards in a tree branch. A pie. Yeah, they go up high. That's where they can sit and they watch and their tails go like that. Their tails do go like that. Yeah. Third compliment, I really like your brain.

Oh, thanks. Can you see it? Let me see. Hello. Touching, touching, touching. Sorry, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That was just me, Jordan. I was sorry.

Cut to individual confessional interviews outside the restaurant. First, we hear from Ian and how he thought the date went. I thought the date went great. I thought she was loading a fart. But I'd be okay with it. I like that she talked about, she heard what I said when I talked about cats and then related it to leopards

because I like leopards. And I would maybe like to go to the zoo with her one day. Music swells in and then we hear from Jordan. I don't really like him, like sexual, like romantically. But I do think that he does have a really good information. A lot of he knows about cats. And I do really like cats. So I do think that maybe, I don't think we'll be friends,

but I do think he could have a friend someday. Hard cut to drone shot above restaurant, a couple walks separately apart into the distance. The end. Mom, it happened again. That is so fun. I could do that all day. Me too.

Is that what, like, real nice dating is like? Because I think that's what it is. Just unfiltered enthusiasm. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, let's do a different couple. Okay.

I'll be the boy this time. Okay. I'll wear the same outfit. On this episode of Love on the Spectrum Cat Edition, we are meeting two couples, Samantha and Billy, and they are both autistic and they love cats. And this is their first date after meeting online on a app specifically for autistic cat fans. Hi, I'm doing an ad read from Omaha, Nebraska, and I know I look like

I know nothing about it. I'm going to talk to you about mental health. My hair's a mess, but my life is not, because I go to therapy, and I do the work. It's very hard. Canceled my appointment the other day, but I was busy. Things came up. Oh, no, things are falling apart, so I better go back to therapy. If you're done taking mental health advice from TikTok, maybe it's time you get mental health advice from me it's time to get a real therapist ruler can help

rule is on a mission to make high quality mental health care from a license pro easy and affordable for everybody average co-pay is only 15 bucks a session talk therapy is good talk therapy is great it's great to talk to someone

but make sure when you are talking you're held accountable to the things you say and make sure that once you become aware, you would turn the awareness into action. Going to therapy can help with that. Thousands have already trusted Rula to support them on their journey toward improved mental health and overall well-being. Head on over to Rula.com slash Ian to get started today. That's R-U-L-A-com slash I-A-N.

After you sign up, they ask where you heard about them, support the show, and tell them, we sent you. go to rula.com slash ean rule it dot com slash ean and take the first step towards better mental health today you deserve quality care from someone who cares oh yeah you got a bulge you got a butt you want to hide it well and you're stuck in a rut

why don't you go and get the perfect gene is it a dream no it's a perfect gene for a limited time being in advance get 15% off their first order plus free shipping at the perfect gene. Or Google the perfect gene, J-E-A, and use code

Fiend Club 15 for 15% off. That's a misfits reference. That's 15% off for new customers at the perfect gene. dot NYC with promo code Fiend Club 15, F-I-E-N-D-C-L-U-B-1-5. After your purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them.

Support the show. Tell them. sent you. Fuck your cackies. Get the perfect gene. You know what I mean? Oh, uh, uh, hello, my name. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, my cat has a sword. My cat is a sword that I, my cat is allowed to have one sword. I have the type of, these are my knuckles. These are my knuckles. I have the type of autism that makes you really horny. Oh, my God, that's such a real thing. That's such a real thing.

I was in theater in high school. Um, sorry, it's just the way that you said. Everyone thought I had B.O., but I just had chronic vaginitis. Um, could you tell me more about chronic vaginitis? Because it sounds like some sort of military weaponry that they might have used in the middle ages. I learned from a young age. Speedstick is for armpits, not your feel good pit.

yes um did you did you know that sometimes what they refer to as a whiskey stick is actually um like used as a level because the level bubble in the middle would be whiskey do you want me to put my penis inside of your hole now which do you have how because i know that technically you have two holes in your ears one in one in your um rectum and then a front hole and i was wondering if i could put the hole in the one um out of the one out of which that you say commands to your army with uh your mouth i think i'm cured mr president and that's when our intimacy expert had to step in to separate these two horny be horny that one girl Danny I met her fucked her she was so so wonderful but so clearly they really toned her down on the show really not on a horny level but on a like level of like I was like hi Danny I really enjoyed watching you on the show and she was like thank you my purse is a toy I was like oh my gosh

And then she was on stage. It was a John Goblicon show. And she was on stage at Jeremiah and John Goblickon doing, um, uh, um, spin the bottom. So I don't know. You just looked really pretty right there. Oh, thanks. Scramble my brain.

Thanks. You too. Um, she, uh, kept trying to sing theme songs. And it was so, like, someone was like. I can show you the. world like someone was like oh inspector gadget she'd be like go go gadget go go gadget go gadget go gadget inspector and i was like that's not what it was yeah yeah it's narly yeah she's uh i know her poor boyfriend that was religious and she was like well i'm gonna break up with you

oh wait the guy who was like i ain't know the guy who is dan perlman i ain't do a voice oh my god i do a voice from the 30s yeah yeah and he'd be like fine I'm feeling funny in my pants. That show makes me so sad because of how good the parents are. They're such good people. Dude. Well, I have a joke about that. I'm like, that's an amazing show that shows you deserve and confine love with autism.

What? What did you just say? What did I say? Huh? What'd I do? It's an amazing show that shows you deserve and confine love. No. Your emphasis is on all the wrong syllables.

It's a show. No, that shows. Are you sleepy? I'm so tired. I slept an hour last night. Oh, that's what's up. I slept. Your tongue tied.

Dude, when I got back from the airport, it took two and a half hours to get from the fucking airport to my place. So I show up and I'm like, did it work? Did I help? I'm like, can Uber Black fucking get me, right? Curbside. And they're like, actually not even Uber Black can get here. And I was like, fuck it. And I just walked up to one of the guys who, and he drove me home.

Oh, one of the guys is like Uber? was it super expensive it's almost worth it it was worth it because it was probably for an Uber black would cost me 110 and he was 90 but actually he was 75 but I tip to me two and a half hours from baggage claim to my apartment I had to walk dude I had you had to walk from one terminal to another on a line

and just wait for these no you had to wait for these fucking shuttles and then dude we're inching inching inching and she puts a cut off right in front of me and she goes there's no more room i go there is room she goes i don't have time for this she walks away and i go fuck this and i hopped up on the bus and the door shut and we went and because we you had to wait 10 minutes in between shuttles and i can't do the shuttle coyote can't do the shuttle dude i can't do the shuttle and then it took like a half hour to get to the parking lot and you can't order an uber until you get to the park it fucking suck so anyway i got back at like fucking 630 passed out

woke up the next day at 8 o'clock and I slept too much and then last night I couldn't shoot they have to they have to I think it's called ubers oh yeah they had ubers in Rome I'll be able to get to the airport I'm checking a bag is that stupid no I checked a bag when I went to Europe but were you going from like place to place to place to place it's annoying It's annoying, but you got to do what you got to do. They got to bring multiple shoes. You got to bring all your shoes. And I'm going to bring some books.

You got to bring some books. Wait, and then what do I use to charge for merch there? That's going to be pretty difficult because it takes a different currency. And when I'm in Toronto, I have to use their point of sale system. What is it? Not mine, because it doesn't convert. So what do you do? You just got to only take care.

Oh, gosh. Okay. That's only. That's only. So I say that? Say catch only. Say catch only. It's only yours, please.

Mine is even better, but if you don't have it, yours is fine. That's fine. I prefer mine, but if you don't have it, yours. If you don't have yours, then I use mine. And if you don't have either of those. Then your chair, I walk. Let's see. Oh.

You're that too. You're that too. Your option. your queque without a paddle. Oh my God! He said it twice putting the money in the twas jaws. You owe me money.

But it better be my currency. I can't pay with a card because you won't take it. Well, you just hit me in the face. I think that was our third date from Love on the Spectrum, Cat Edition. I felt so natural.

I'm feeling more and more like myself. The longer we go on. How can we integrate this into a real dating? I think we just have to... Actually, you know what? People kind of are. This is a real date. Let me show you what my friends are in real date. Okay?

You be the guy. Hey, um, sorry I'm late. I killed himself on the subway. I just want to set this precedent up top. The, um, the whole idea of like showing up late for something actually is a form of selfishness that wastes my time and not yours. So I'm willing to have a grace period for this first date. But moving forward, if that's something that you're going to be doing, I'm not

not willing to move this relationship forward my boundary is you have to eat a hamburger into my mouth twice a day and you have to jerk me off with your feet no less than four times a month and if you're then let's get a head start yank yi yi yi yi yi have you ever had madmosone's into foot stuff it's disgusting no but sometimes when i'm really into the person i'll just start licking a foot Because I want every part of them in my mouth. Doesn't it look like someone just evaporated? Okay, so I'm good at ping pong. Did you have sex on the tour?

No. Did you jerk off in the bed next to somebody? Did not? I jerked off before I left and really saved up a lot. Big cum. Big cummies. I saved up a lot. I caved.

I caved in the tub. In the tub? I jerked up in the tub. What tub? Tour bus tub? My tub. Your tub? No.

Do you use a shower handle? Nah. The faucet. But I had saved up for so long. Do you use your fingers? Yeah. Old school. Yeah.

Amish. The anthology. Videos or mine? I can't say. old conversations because it was bad so i did it because it was bad so i did it that's just you the way should be studied anyway you should dedicate your mind to science what's the patron tier where

people get to hear whatever was just whispered that i will take to grave but I'll give people a hint yes it's somebody who does bad things and I gobbles your pulse gobbles what are gerbils you don't know gobbles that's gerbils use your blame gobbles all what cost they know no thing the bad man Hitler he was friends with him who's gerbils you know gobbles no well certainly you need to do your research what it who's gerbils my brain just gets blasted i start weeping yeah uh let me just say i think you know gobos now we have to go to go to goobiles wikipedia and you read the entire thing yeah and then jordan just sprays come

all over the screen just you wait and see when you find out who gobos be is it just just Gerbils? Oh, Jordan. Oh. Oh, yeah. Paul Joseph Goebbels was a German Nazi politician and philogist, who was the Guterlier, the Gallagiarist for the Nazi party. It's kind of like Stephen Miller. He was one of Adolf's closest and most devoted followers.

Oh, he's scary. See? Yeah, he's going in. Why make you come? Oh, he's scary. Yep. Don't admit it publicly. Well, given the political requirement,

maybe that would cover you something. I don't think I'd ever jerk off to Trump, but I'd come close. Ew. Cheney, for sure. Cheney? Kissinger. Kissinger.

George H. Bush. What is it? Kissinger, kiss on her. I have not been inside of a woman in so long. Yeah. It has been all I am thinking of is clapping cheeks. And I need to. Haven't. How long are you going to go?

I don't know. Had a girl over last night. See, this is the shit that you omit. Cuddle Buddy. No kissing even. No cum, come, come. Was it the girl that I meant? No, none, none.

Was it the girl that was here? Which one? The black girl. Is she black? This girl's black. Oh. She's just a pal. You took up.

Now she's just a pal. Why would you do? Wilson. Yeah. I don't want to do anything with her. Because of... Not what you're thinking. Oh.

The sexual aspect of our friendship has run its course. So... Did you get attached? No. And why did it run its course? Because... Gobel's. Goble.

scams have gone way beyond a prince trying to gift you his fortune a lot of scams are really believable when it comes to your money you deserve to feel safe from fraud and in control and that's exactly what you can expect with cash app cash app monitors transactions for suspicious activity and you can even lock your card right from your phone which is the tap if something feels off cash app security lock even requires a successful face ID or biometric authentication to access your account with cash app you can spend save and live your life knowing your money is right where you left it with advanced build and security protections you count on and help when you need it. Spend with peace of mind today and order a cash app card in the app or at cache app. Cash.app slash card for a limited time only new cash app.

This is a long verbatim ad. For a limited time only new cash app customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash for real. Just download cash app. Use our exclusive referral code. Cash app 10. In your profile. Send $5 to a friend with. in 14 days, you'll get $10 dropped right into your account.

Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking service provided by Cash Apps, bank partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC, instant discounts provided by Cash App, Inc. brand. Visit Cashap.com. Cash.

dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Which episode of Breaking Bad was on while you cuddled? She didn't want to watch Breaking Bad. She wanted to watch The Deal Breaker. Bad Girls Club. what was it that's like that ghetto show where they argue with each other

but um no we cuddled buddy and that was it and that's it no sex no kiss cuddled buddy hold hands that's it

what's the point of that just feels nice to be with someone yeah I have a doggy I have a cat but sometimes it feels nice for a person gotta get a better cat you don't have friends

that you just want to cuddle with yeah we try I think you all dealing up to you, right? Yeah. No. It feels like I owe you something. Oh, you don't know me any? It feels like it's going to make things different later.

It feels like somebody's going to come knocking at my door when I'm busy. It feels like when your family becomes your fans. and you lose people who you respected. What? It feels like... What are these abstract emotions? It feels like... I've never, ever imagined these words.

It feels like when you finally realize that adults are just older kids and they don't actually end up getting any wiser or getting any closer to feeling comfortable with themselves, they just get older and uglier. So it kind of almost is a deception. No, it feels like when you get hit by a car. feels like when you hear metal on metal

it feels like when your professor would accidentally squeak something yeah and sometimes they would squeak something across just when they'd be erasing the chalk and it'd be too dry or maybe somebody with a fork on a dinner plate feels like at a wedding when you're sat next to the aunt who wants to talk too much No, no, it feels like sister's best friend who's a boy wants the closet with you in it. No.

Feels like back of car. Daddy's home. 35 minutes. We're supposed to just read it. That's it. Yeah. It's going on for far too long. I would like for you to take that experimental theater on the road

or to a black box theater, whatever we just witnessed here. Oh, and we wear nothing but black leotards and turtlene. And it's just a couch on a stage, and who knows what happens. And it always ends with Daddy's Home. Okay, your turn. Hug. Hug. Okay.

Feels like asking for something for Christmas and it not being what you want. Feels like, feels like when you're at the dentist office and they make the sucker thing and it gets attached to your tongue. And it bothers you, but you just.

I have to let them keep working. Feels like when you're proud of your report card and you show mom me that you get a B and she slaps you in the face and says it's not an A. Feels like, feels like the first time. Okay, what else happened? I'm really good at ping pong. I got into a physical fight.

Better at ping pong than you. Better at fighting than you. I almost got Dan He almost got the shit kicked out of him Little Jewish Dan Poor little boobby Yeah the weird thing is What happened?

You still haven't explained this fiasco I just was up in this guy's face Because he was like Why? You and I need to stop doing this We have to stop fighting other people Because we are too cowardly to fight ourselves We need to face ourselves

Rather than others Stand up for what's right within ourselves I was standing up for us right Well then you did the right thing And he said Ow my hip He said if I have to wait

You have to wait And I said bro what are you saying You said if I have to wait You have to wait And I was like What you're saying Doesn't even fucking make sense So where was this

Set the scene You were a Pret-Manjay We were entering a restaurant And this guy was trying Call your ass a restaurant And this guy Zippics Those are good nicotine toothpicks

I have them a lot You don't remember this but you called me, you were sleep talking, and you said you'd be cool with me smoking on the podcast again. No. You said it last night. Bix. Go ahead.

Dude, see, Zippix is great because you, when your partner doesn't let you smoke. I'm going to look cool. And you want to look cool. Hey. Ow, my boss. Go ahead. Oh, go. Oh, Lee, these things.

I just said, shut the fuck up. I said, you're not making any fucking sense. You're being fucking crazy. Back the fuck up. If it was in Eugene, Oregon, he was probably on meth. Oh. Oh, I squeezed them too hard. Really?

Yeah, I'm getting like a headache. I almost shit my pants today. Well, what happened? On the walk home earlier today, I had to stop and hold on to a fence, and I buckled over. But you didn't shit? Uh-uh. No, I made it. That's good.

How loud was it when you finally hit that seat? it was like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber or it was like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber. Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura. Do not go in there. You avoided an Oklahoma City sequel. Yes. Were you with me then?

Yeah, I wasn't with you. Oh, that's right. Patrick was there that weekend with me when I shipped myself on Gay Lord Avenue in Oklahoma City. Oh, yeah. That's really bad. So you go on the road with him? Yes.

told you this almost you guys do fun stuff every time we've seen yeah we do fun stuff yeah Patrick shoots my travel show we went to the mall and Ian played with swords and that was very fun and I I wish we were shooting that properly oh yeah that's right so you get worried for the state of your child's future when you hang out with Ian too much no I think it helps me uh be focus on what can I do to prevent this from happening you're such a prick Do you have a real job? I do a few things, a few hustles. Some video work, comedy.

I work as a sober companion sometimes. What's that? But I'm trying to leave that business. Describe sober companionship? Sometimes people... Oh, like what Stevo has? Yeah, like people would call it a higher level of care. Sometimes somebody needs, like, extra help, like getting home from rehab.

or getting to rehab without picking up or they just, you know, maybe are living in a halfway house or sober living and they need somebody to help them get places or to... Do you do that because you're a sober person and its outreach or do you get paid? It's a job. It's a money job and a friend of mine helped me get into it and there have been some very rewarding experiences with it over the years, but this is Patreon. Not like my boss isn't going to hear this. Actually, it's been a pretty good episode. Should we do this public? Well, I'll change what I'll say, but it's, it's, I've only, I've been doing it for eight years or something and I've had like one or two really beautiful, wonderful, transcendent experiences with these clients, but for the most part, it's really challenging work with people that don't actually want help and the help is sort of being inflicted on them by their parents or families or something. So it's actually my least favorite of my three jobs.

Dude, can I tell you, my buddy owns two sober living houses in California, and he is on the verge of selling them because he said the recovery world has gone so far from helping down and out, like sick and suffering, alcoholic drug addicts to people who don't know how to function. Well, so that's, what do you mean? Like, like, there's, there's young, young people are no longer, like, I'm 20 years old and I can't stop shooting heroin. I rob my mom and dad. I am addicted to drugs. It's now, like, 20-year-old kids who are like, I don't know how to do laundry or make a doctor's appointment. I get anxiety when I have to leave the house, so I just stay in my house and masturbate and go online. Yeah, so these agencies are now billing us coaches at.

executive functioning coaches, not just recovery coaches. Oh, no. And they put it under this umbrella of executive functioning, which is exactly what you're describing. So then these parents with the means and the resources can say, oh, I'll just hire this agency to have this person go to college with my kid to make sure they get through. Oh, shit. Like, Fault, don't look at your text.

So it's called, yes, yeah, I'm looking at what he said to me. He said, a very common term in mental health treatment is young people. People have a thing called learned helplessness. You've heard of that? Where they just, where they think they can't do anything. And they assume everything is too hard, and they're severely overwhelmed by basic stuff. So they just basically, like, curl up into a ball and can't function. Well, many of these families and children are raised in households with multiple caretakers and nannies and staff and...

What? Lucas Zellman? Tudors. all that stuff. So it's rich kids? Usually, I mean, it's a very, like, upper class, like white problem,

I would say, but I'm also pretty ignorant about it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's, I'll tell you more after, but yeah,

it's a very kind of, I'm right, though, that there's more and more kids going into recovery that are not like, yeah, I can't stop

suck a cock for meth and more like, I can't stop watching people suck cock for meth. I'm addicted to gooning and being helpless. Yeah, yeah. One game of heads up. Right?

Yeah, yeah. And I think also these businesses know how to get this whole other market of clients. Like they, it's, I don't want to say too much. Yeah, no, I hear you. The businesses know how to get that. By going to the parents. It's all like a business, yeah. This is incredible.

What is that? It's a makeup, it came in the makeup thing, but you should bring. it on stage and use it to dab your sweat what is it dabbing my sweat yeah that's what i'm not even sweating i know but look but feel it's very cute i know it's so cute but i use my bandana to dab my sweat yeah but this seems official uh that's fair um oh i'm bleeding so much blood out of my vagina tell me more tell me more like is it in your pants me more tell me tell me tell me more tell me more like does it smell real bad oh stop pushing it out one game a heads up if you find it but i think we should do mind meld we even done mind meld in a long

time you're already going to heads up one two three apricot apple cot no come on do another one ready One, two, three. Pumpkins. Pumpkin and pickles. One, two, three. Beer. Deli and beer. One, two, three.

Sapea. IPA and sausage. One, two, three. Broughtwurst. I almost said Broughtwurst. I almost said Bratwurst. Why didn't I say it? That's a lesson in trusting myself.

I need to trust myself. I think you're ready way now though wait wait it's gonna be you're scaring it with your hand back it up oh

yeah oh oh this is god this is my hand now jordan pushed her period

all over my hand I knew you were going to regret it. No. I love that the mere mention of Bratworth manifested a fart. Yeah. Hold on. Another one. Ready?

One. You can keep going, though, on that same one. I think you're going to nail one. Obviously, my next word is going to be. German. Ian, I was saying Germany in my head, if that means we mind-melded. Let's come on. Noon.

Noon. Noot. Okay, just know that I'm ready. Do another mind melt. One, two, three. Rat. Rat and critter. One, two, three.

Coyote and rodent. One, two, three. Animal. Fox and animal. One, two, three. Outdoors and wolf. One, two, three. Bark at the moon.

One, two, three. Native American. Native American nighttime. One, two, three. Smoke signal. Oh, smoke signal, moon. One, two, three. Hallin.

Witches and Halen. One, two, three. Halloween and bitches. One, two, three. Pitches brew. Periods and bitches brew. One, two, three. Naomi Caravani.

That's kind of the same. Okay, that is the same. I'm corny. Ooh. Hattie. This is a plane the president rides on it. It's also a type of shoe. Air Force one.

Boom, go. This is, Air Force One is a type of. Plane. Airplanes. Yes. Ooh. She falls asleep and gets a kiss from a prince. Sleeping Beauty.

No. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie. Simpsons. But it is a lady. Moomy. Simpsons movie? Yeah.

Hakuna Matata. Lion King. Yeah. Clown. We all float down here. Yes. That's good. Michaelangelo, Leonardo, Donatella, Raphael.

These are. Ninja turtles But they're how old? Babies. Oh. Oh, wife. I blank our children. Honey, I shrunk the kids.

Yeah. Party on, Garth. Wayne's World. Yeah. You're so good. Thank you. Whatever the score is, you got a minus one. Nine.

But that was really good. That's the best we've ever done. You did really good. I think you want to say it's eight. Okay, ready? Yeah. We can do it. I'll help.

Oh, I fight crime, and I'm in a group of people. I fight justice in a Marvel movie. Justice League. I shouldn't have said justice, but yes. Oh, I am Jennifer Lawrence, and I shoot a bow and arrow. Silver Linings Playbook. No, I shoot a bow and arrow. Hunger Games.

Oh, I am John Travolta, and I just... Saturday Night Fever. No, no, really. Good. Pul fiction. Yeah. Oh, this is an animated thing. I am a, first word is crazy.

And the set, Max has a thing in the woods with his scary imaginary friends. Max the king is a guy in the woods with his imaginary friends. He wears pajamas and has a king thing. Oh, oh, oh, where the wild things are. Yeah, but, yeah. That's right. Okay, this is the thing that you look at your reflection in twice. The Dirty Mirror.

Oh, okay. This is, I'm black and I help animals. Oh, Miss Patcho. Dr. Doolittle. I want to go again. He's laughing, see? Oh, reader beware. You're in for a scare.

Are you afraid of the dark? No. Oh, scary, scourg's time. Yes, go. Uh, whatever, as if. Clueless. Yeah. Uh, bah, blah, blah, what you're going to do?

Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are in this. Fresh Prince of Bel Air. No, other guy. Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Another other guy. What you're going to do? What are you going to do when they come for you? Cops.

Bad boys. Yeah. Oh. Uh, uh, Shaquille O'Neal's. nickname shack yeah oh about a dog and it dies

bob Marley I love him yep shaved head Demi Moore I'm a Garmy oh gee change yeah

uh Bippoo di Poppoo yeah Tomily Jones Will Smith aliens Mad and black Yeah

oh this is what you are beautiful kind of ugly no drop that gorgeous seven we're rapidly losing face okay okay i got this

oh i'm in i'm in space i'm matthew mccanahey i'm in space oh standard stellar yep um oh this is i'm kevin bacon or whatever that guy's name is i'm fat comedian and i work in a shopping center as a security guy oh pobley mocha yes yes um um Oh. Suck at me. No. Suck them. Snort them.

Snort them, fuck them. Blow out the candles. Blow. Yeah. Fava beans. Outs, Hannibal Lecter. Silence of the lamps. Oh, I'm a made of metal and I'm a man.

Iron man. No, but I'm huge. Metal guy. Yes. Yes to the first part you said, but I'm huge. Iron. Iron Big Ball

Giant Yes Oh, I'm I'm Robin Williams And I'm stuck in a game Oh, Jumanji Yes Oh, this is the same thing

Before with the man But it's a That's insane Iron Man What lady? Iron lady Yeah Huh?

Yeah, I know Seven Damn it I'm sweating Oh God I don't want to The nine was really an eight So

You're right You're right You're right. It's very helpful. Let's play. If you get it wrong, you get shot. Oh, everybody thought this is Joe Biden. Zombie.

Weekend of Bernie's. Yeah. Your favorite guy in an amazing movie, and he plays God. Keanu Reeves. Jim Carrey. Oh, Bruce Almighty. Yeah. I ring a bell tower.

Irish Catholic school. Oh, I'm a humpback of Notre Dame. Uh-huh. Irish Catholic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Karate kid. But it's an animal. Oh, koala kangaroo.

No, the other guy that's like it. Jack Kangaroo. Jack Black, he's a karate guy, and he's black and white. He's a panda. He's a hua. Ninja panda. No. Confu panda.

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, if this is wrong, then I don't, if this is right, then I don't want to be Mr. Ed. The cow. The horse. Mr. Deeds. I have to put you out of your misery. Mr. Wrong.

Oh. Four. Ethan always said we weren't allowed to do this. A lot of things. It said people didn't like this. People like it. We like it. Oh, I am not a donkey, but a knee.

They had them all. A horse. Yes, but the first word is, if you go to battle, we are at. Warhorse. Yes. Oh, I am going to, in the middle of, no, I'm going to go like this. Dancing, Saturday night dancing. First thing is what lightning does.

Lightning dancing. I'm super fast. Strike dancing. I'm super fast. Flash dance. Yes. Oh, I am quite up in years and I talk like this. an old tiny farmer.

And I think it's about a dog. Humpty Dumpty. I think it's about a doll. Garfield. The first word is not young but. Old yeller. Yes. Yes.

Um, oh, this is, I'm ice skating to my victory. Ice skating. Blades of glory. Yes. Oh, my God. Um, oh, this is Fargo, but without the F. Faggot. Faggot.

What was it? Argo. Argo, damn it. Father. Wait, what do you mean Ethan doesn't, people hate this? Do you want to transition? I think people like this

just as long as you don't do it every time. Oh, God, this is hard. If there's not one but two, there's... Three by seven. And you read it on when you're driving by. Three billboards to the left. Out. Three billboards on the left.

It's a part of the south. Three billboards in Mississippi? Fuck. Three billboards in Milwaukee? Three board boards. Okay. Oh, look. It's webbing, but without the W.

Three billboards in Ebbing? Yeah. What is that? I don't know. Me, bingong, gong, and ain't gong. Reese Wetherspoons in the movie. Leonard Skinner had a song about this was the name of it. They are my gingo.

Sweet home Alabama. You nailed it. Oh, my wife. Borat. Yeah. Oh, Rick Moranis. He's a singing and a plant and it eats you. Oh, oh, oh, little shop of horse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can nail three. Oh, blank of the opera. Fantasy of the opera, lizard sewing. Phantom thread. Fuck yeah. All right, one more, and then we'll wrap it off. We are slowly declining. Phantom the opera, and then it was just Phantom thread is crazy.

Uh-uh. Yeah, you said Phantom. I don't know why I'm sweating so much. Oh, we play a game where we hit each other very hard and it's funny. Slap boxing. No, we throw a ball. Dodge ball. Yeah.

Oh, I'm black and I don't want you to be in a sunken place. Get it out. Oh, this is, I do magic tricks, and I'm Hugh Jackman. He'll the prestige. Yes. Yeah. Amazing. Oh, I'm a zombie and I'm not 30 in, I'm not in a month.

I'm a couple days before that. 28 days later. Yes. Oh, my God. um oh i have a thing in my thing heart condition that beats a pacemaker and i wear him face mask on one side and i am what's his face the pace of it all piecemaker peace the heart attack machine yeah that's the word the heart man the heart pacer i am not weak i am heartful i am courageous yes another word for that courageous i am strong i'm a i have it all i'm a strength i'm a

Oh, Two-Face. Brave heart? That's... Not any of that. How did Mel Gibson not come up? What? Oh, my God. Didn't they have face me?

Didn't he have face. How did Scotland not come up? We are the Titans. What does he say? He says, think not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for you. for your country. What's this movie?

Name the quote. Are you not entertained? Marcus Aurelius, Guardian. No. Galaxy. No. Are you not entertained? 3,000.

Close? Gladiator. Name this one. Name this one. Yes. Only Jews speak in metaphors. The departed. No.

It's not Jews. Appetites aren't as big as your noses, are they? A few good men. Nope. But close, right actor. People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch. As good as it gets. Yes.

Yes. Well, what about this? Ready? I've abandoned my boy. Milkshake. There will be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, what about this one?

That's a bike of a vagina. O-R-K. Work. Liar, liar. Yes. Yes. what about this one but he said in the end

I will achieve eternal happiness so I got that going for me Little Nicky South Park No Golf Happy Gilmore No

Caddy Shack You nailed it Oh okay okay What about this one What about this one Oh my God Oh my God Tommy boy

Yeah What about this one that's a salt brother Oh fuck That's a salt brother Stop Collaborate and listen Stop

That's a salt brother That is Billy Hey kids it's me I bet you thought that I was dead Billy Madison Yep Okay what about this one Wait I just had it the other day

Oh okay I'll give you $5 piece Okay, another one from that. Them sirens loved him up and turned him into a hornetode. You recognize it? What is it? One more, one more. From that movie?

Yeah. Loved him up. And stay out of Wolesworth. What is it? Oh, brother, we're out, though. I don't remember. Okay, your turn. What about, what about, uh,

Um, oh, uh, I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Happy Gilmore. Okay, okay, what about this one? Um, what's one that I know that you've seen? Some men just want to watch the world burn. Some men just want to watch the Batman. Yeah. Okay, good. That one was good.

Um, what about, hold on. Hold on. What about a... I'm involved in counterfeiting money. Big deal! What's that? Beverly Hills Ninja. What about this one?

Carter, Carter. What about this one? Um, um, um, um, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'm gonna get it. Um, can feel to fish. Can feel to fish.

Can feel to fish. Good filter fish. Can filter fish. What? Rush hour, too. Don't remember. Never seen it. Okay, what about this one?

Let me think of one. I know that you've seen. Um, that most certainly is my bag. Signed. This most certainly is my bag. Baby. Austin Powers.

Where he goes, that's not my bag, baby. And he goes, there's a book in here says this kind of thing is absolutely my bag signed austin powers what about uh what about um oh fuck what was it uh uh what's that line we love it when it goes uh holmin is my neighbors is my chinese neighbors oh yeah rocket man yeah what about this one microprocessors

microprocesses micro oh departed yeah yeah what about what about um

uh uh uh uh oh oh fuck uh uh

you're a virgin who can't read you're a virgin who can't drive clearly oh yeah yeah you're right you're right okay what about this one Let's play dummy sticks

Wedding Crashers Yeah What about this one? I love lamp For Real Virgin Oh Same guy Anchorman

Yeah What about this one Kelly Clarkson Oh, Kelly Clarkson What about this one? What about this one? It can't rain all the time. Rain man?

What? You know it? No. It can't rain all the time. The crow. That's good. I want to see the crow. Oh, what about this one?

I'll chew on the dog. No, no, no, no, do you on the dog. Beetle juice. Uh-huh. I kept doing Beetlejuice voice in the bunk and was making Catherine and Kyle, like, cry. When we were, I made everyone play a gypsy. Russian rats grew on the bus. It's so fun.

The best. Dude, we should play that on the pod. I'm... I'm undefeated. Actually, not the best at it, and I could admit that. Okay, good. We should play that on the pod. Okay.

Camera overhead Egyptian rat screw. Okay. Fuck. Do you have time? I'm trying to think of one more quote. It's true. This man has no dick. Ghostbusters.

Peter Vankman, when he is talking to the mayor and Walter Peck. Until dickless over here shut off the power grid. Is this true? Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.

Okay, then I'll end on this one. Yes. It's the smell. I'm suffocated by it. It's Ventura. Matrix. Wow. You two just unintentionally created, yet another date scenario for Love on the Spectrum Cat Edition.

We're just shouting movie quotes at each other throughout the date. This was the best date I've ever been on. Yeah, we have autism. Yeah. And it's going to be my favorite kind of date because we are not going to physically touch each other afterwards. This thing's cool. You put a cigarette in it and it'll puff, puff.

You like this? Yeah. Nice. Thank you for watching another episode of Beanie Ian with Jordan. Ianfinance.com for all my dates. I'm going all over Patreon.com slash beadian pod. Punchup. Dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates.

She's in Europe. Go see her there. YouTube.com slash Ian Finanance comedy. Ian doing our guy doing our jobs coming out soon. Once I make this announcement, you will know why it's been worth it. Do not put the show out yet.

Bye-bye. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore.