Bein' Ian With Jordan - Defenestration W/ Brad Williams | Bein' Ian with Jordan #221

Episode Date: October 21, 2026

Fan favorite comedian Brad Williams joins Ian & Jordan to talk about the road, cats vs dogs, & their favorite comics. SUB TO OUR PUNCHUP FOR EXCLUSIVES! All of our dates AND bonus episodes are now available in one convenient place, all for the same price as the Patreon! Visit punchup.live/beinianwithjordan Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - Rula patients typically pay $15 per session when using insurance. Connect with quality therapists & mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/ian #rulapod #ad Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Brad! https://instagram.com/bradwilliamscomic Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Where some see heroes and others see egos. Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bites all through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being in the end,

coffee ice no matter what. now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride When you're being in Be an Ian And life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live

Alive Being Ian With Jordan Hi everybody Welcome back to another episode of Bein Ian Jordan and Glenn Glenn is loving our guest today And how could he not

Look at this Oh my God. Oh, that's right. Are you a cat guy? No, but I'm swimming in Puss. That's right. Glenn's a dog and he knows how to scratch dogs. Yeah.

He's going to fucking... I just come to Brooklyn and pussy loves me. And sorry, Glenn, I'm married. I'm sorry, buddy. Don't put that on my cat. He's going home with you. I love this, man. He's going to walk upstairs, get peanut butter and bring it back down.

No, I am not a cat person, but as soon as he's... Do you think you'll ever be? No. Do you think Glenn could convince you? If I had a cat like Glenn, who's like this, this seems awesome. Yeah. Yeah. It seems great.

Glenn has turned more people into cat people than you could ever imagine. Yeah. Wait, we were just discussing that a comedian. Maclemore. Yes. Pro or against. Come on. Give us your take.

Come on. I am. Wait, why. Explain. You don't know what's going on with McElmore? No. Oh. He ended up.

thrifting and he got a really good deal. You got a really good deal. Everyone talked about it. Everyone's like, wow. You don't know what's happening with that. What a deal. Oh my God. Are you serious?

McElmore went out at an Ed Shearing concert and pledged his allegiance to Lindsay Clancy. Yep. And everyone is up in arms. Mm-hmm. He was pretty disrespectful. He brought out three baby dolls and strangled them and said, I'm in change. You tell me what really happens? I'm not responsible.

What is it? Daniel, you don't know what's going on with McLemore either, do you? The fan is too loud. Can you please turn the fan down? She's not a fan. She's not a fan. She's my assistant. Then, Brad, one more bad joke, and I will strangle you like Lindsay Clancy's kids.

There's another, I have a mini fan that you can put on your face. I don't know. It looked like a pretty big fan to me. Maccrow was dropped from Ed Shear and store after making... Wait, don't get rid of it. It's my only fan. He made a pro-Palestinian statement. Don't say that over the internet. We'll get aggregated. He made a propane statement. And he should have.

Because I am playing Brooklyn this week. And if I was playing Long Island, I would say shame. I have no fun. J.K. He said it at the, like, on the concert, into the mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, as the opening act, which, like,

my, you're allowed to have whatever opinions you have, but, you know, as I always look at my opener, like, hey, your job is to make my life a little easier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of, to kind of make it good to me. Uh, or did they sing a duet? Uh, oh. Because that would be so funny.

Also, can I just say, fuck Ed Sheeran for bowing to Robert Kraft, uh, who was, in the Epstein files, and Robert Kraft is a piece of shit. And Ed Sheeran is the most bland, boring motherfucker in the world.

If he wanted to have any ounce of fucking backbone or fucking balls, he'd sack up and go, fuck you. McElmore's my guy. I'm doing these shows. I'm not doing them at these stadiums. I'll do another fucking venue. You're allowed to say whatever the fuck you want on a microphone.

Sure. At a live event, suck my fucking cock. So here... But he won't because Ed Shearin's a fucking loser. And he's English and he tries. and he tries to be Irish. Hello.

Hey, he's just got red hair. Right? He's doing Irish things. Just like right now, you're, you're, you're cosplaying as a cat lover. I'm totally... You're doing straight... Your culture is now my costume.

You're going to get an earring at 41 years old. Crap, I'm 42. I'm a little late. Never too late. But I don't have a tat yet, so I can go down that route. Dude, would you ever get tattooed? Nah, I'd be worried. the, my zombie father would rise from the dead and then choke me out.

Are you Jewish? No. Oh. But I, I'm still worried that he would somehow kill me. But don't you want to see him again? You go away to bait him from the grave. Why do you think I have all these? Trying to get my dad to come back.

You know what? It might be a plan. Dude, you would look fucking sick with some fucking ink in you. Some ink. Yeah. Like, every time I've thought about a tattoo, literally like two months later, I go, well, that was a dumb idea. The problem with a tattoo is you have to bypass the horrible stage of having one tattoo,

which is the most embarrassing look a person can have. You'd have to get sleeve bouchamied up. Yeah. The first sleeve for shamed. I've had to get, well, that was the rumor about Dolly Parton is that she had two sleeves. And that's why whenever you saw her, she was always like covered. Yeah. She always had long sleeves.

So she had wigs, tits, nails, and sleeves. But I think that's lame. She should have let him rip. Because if you cover them up, you're more of a sleeve Hofstetter. So you film your sleeve sessions? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You plant sleeves in the crowd. People really think that she had sleeves?

Well, she did have tattoos. Yeah, she had tattoos to cover scar tissue or cortoid. Cortoids. Some sort of cortoids is the word. Is it? No. Oh, there you go, Glenn. Cortoids is certainly not a word.

this. Now, is this like a cat cucking right now? Because I'm pleasing your cat in front of you. And I'm coming. And you're hard. I will say I am a little, I'm not for a second. I was I mean, I wish, but that's my life all the time. Yeah. Like he is loving it. When I lay down, my one cat, okay, this is nighttime. Ready? All right. I lay in my bed. I go on my side. Ben Shapiro on repeat podcast. Double speed. Double speed so I could hear more. Yeah.

Absolutely. Every night. I have to put Ben Shapiro on like point five. You actually listen to Ben Shapiro? I was joking. Are you serious? No, every night I go to bed, I listen to a new critical analysis. I know, I listened to a new hadith from the Quran.

Yeah. And now every night I go to sleep by laying down head on pillow. Samson, my other cat, sensitive guy on the pillow, forehead to my forehead, nose to nose. Glenn on my side laying over me. Love it. I don't need a partner. We're family. I always sleeps with her head on my chest now.

It's crazy. Right there. Head on the chest. Give her kisses. Yeah, and give a little nose. Oh, I give him a little kid. And then I go, bu, blah, blah, blah. And then I go, Glenn, you express love in different ways.

Samson head butts and gives kisses. And you do not, but you spend time with me and your love language is touch. Clearly. And gift giving. Yeah. I mean, this is crazy. Yeah.

That's great. What's holding you back from getting a cat? The two dogs. Cat and tat. Yeah, the two dogs that I have. Imagine getting a kitten and the dog. The cat rides a dog like a monkey rides a dog.

Are you kidding me? I don't think it's monkey ride dog. Monkey rides dog. There's a, look it up. Monkey ride dog. There's a half time show where a monkey rides a dog. Yeah.

And that's, don't talk about, oh, what? Nothing. Don't talk about monkeys riding dogs. No, I was going to make a funny joke, but it's not good. Not in good taste.

What? No. No, I will. Have you not heard the rest of this podcast? I'm not Robert Kraft. I'm not going to fire you from saying. No, I'm not firing my own self. You know what?

That's fair. You're allowed. Now, let's get back to the meat of the issue. Yeah. I have a better question. What was the guy special that you just said led to many divorces? Oh, Daniel. Sloss. He has a special called Jigsaw.

And watch it. Watch it. It's awesome. He's one of my... He's one of my... He's the way to talk about Foley. Hey, what? Why? Divorce. I saw it. It just really makes you take a good look at your relationship and really see, like, is this the person that's making me my best person? Why? How? How does he talk about it? Just watch it. I haven't seen it in a couple of years, but it's great. Wait, but can you just... Hi, Henry. Yeah. It made my marriage stronger because I looked at it and I was like,

Okay. Can you give an example? Crap. Well, just it's like does, I'm going to speak a little bit like a Scientologist, which may get us aggregated. So that's fun. It just basically really talks about like how is your partner suppressing the best person that you could be. Right. And if they are, then you should leave.

If they're not and they're in. then stay with them. And my wife enhances. So yeah. It's great. Sorry. Why are you so tense? So I was trying to hold me.

Oh, okay. Yeah, but what if your wife doesn't enhance it because you're a prick? What about that? Well, that is part of how you look at it. And then you're going to go,

I'm a prick. I'm going to change. Yeah. But actually, statistically, it's led to divorces. Yeah, he keeps track of the number of divorces.

Unreal. Because he's a psychopath. I love him. He's a great guy. So what are some of the things? Are you intentionally doing the thing like this? So when I look at it, you punch me? No.

Wait. Was I, was I doing it? Yeah, you were like this. And I looked at it. And I'm like, oh, fuck, you're going to punch me.

Oh, is that? Wait. Which one's the white power sign? Because I don't want to do that one. That one. That's a made up 4chan thing. Oh,

is it? Not really. No, this means excellent. This is okay. It's a made up thing that turned into a real life thing. Okay. So it's like enough people did the lie and then some people started believing it was true.

Is there something on my knee? Oh, shit. Woo! Oh, shit. Brad, do I have something on my car? Is this how Henry stands when he's in your house? I've already looked at your corner. Henry, what do you do?

You want to come? What are you doing? Is this what you living here is? Ian just lives his life and you stand. Dude, literally, Foley wakes me up in the morning by staring, standing over me. And then I go, ah, get out of here. That's true. You go in the shower when Ian's in the shower?

Well, somebody's got to hand me my scratching. Sure. Ian sleeping on the couch every night? I think that means full rain to sleep in his bed. Did you? I think you can do that. He has silk sheets. Did you take Ian's bed?

Never. You can have my bed? You want my bed? What if I watch you in my bed? What if I watch you in my bed? This is a strong cuck theme. No. I've cucked, but I couldn't be.

Cucked. Have you cucked? Yeah. I was a bull in a cuck relationship. Wait, wait, wait. You fucks the wife in front of the husband. I always imagine the husband being tied up. Just realize that's not the case. I've done that. Yeah. Have you? I've done that too. Really? You got you got you were the bull in a cucking. Yeah. That guy must have to really hate him. I tried not to look at him at all. Oh, I was like, I was like, get the fuck off. No, I was like, get the fuck off. Watch her, watch how a man fuck's your wife. Oh, so you know. So you were like, fully into the cucking. You have to get your dick. card. Yeah, yeah. I was like, give me a couple minutes. One tech. One tech. In about 10 minutes,

you're going to see how man fucks you want. Could the man actually come over and fluff me up? Yeah, yeah. Because you could look at the dude. Hey, miss, you're going to watch how your man fucks me. Yeah.

Yeah. You being in there with is like the inception of cucking. Well, like it's a cuck inside a cuck. Because I'm covered in tattoos and we were talking about tattoos. I was like, oh, I'm covered. And like,

oh, I hope to see it. And I was like, who, and I was like, laying her back and she was blowing me and she popped my cock out of her mouth and went you really are covered in tattoos that's nice

mine mine was someone I was drunk at a comedy club and someone offered to drive me home and because I was drunk single and didn't have any responsibilities at the time I said sure stranger drive me home and then it was a husband and wife and while they were driving back to the hotel

wife starts going down on the husband giving and giving him roadhead. And then I'm just in the back seat like, well, this is a development. That would be you being cooked, but then we got to the hotel. And then they didn't do the thing

where they pull up to the lobby and say, all right, they park. And I'm like, oh, okay. All right. They probably just want to make sure I get to my room saying. That's how you remember. You were just blackout turns out right to go to the lake.

Park. You're coming up with me. Coming up. You stay there. Actually, you come with us. So you were into it. You were like, let's do this. I was so gone at the time that I'm like, sure, why not?

You were raped. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were someone fetish and they got you drunk. Oh, it definitely was. Which I can only imagine was peppermint schnabs. No, that's what my breath smells like. Always.

Dude, I have such an addiction to peppermint. Yeah. Anyway, I got in the way of a really good story. Anyway, but yeah, they walked. Yeah, they walked me to the room. And then the lady started like, as I'm going into my, to the bedroom, they both come in. And she just starts undressing. And I'm like, so when?

I didn't know what he's doing. At that point, he's just like, eh? Thanking God. Yeah. Look at that. And then. Oh, so he was happy. And he said, fuck my wife?

He never said. He never said the words, fuck my wife. But she started to. but then he was very happy about it. Was he jerking off in the corner? Do they jerk off? Do you tie them up? It depends.

This guy wasn't jerking it, but he was definitely enjoying himself. They're just sitting in the corner like a sweaty dog being like, yeah, yeah. Every move you do, you're a little nervous because you're like, this is the move that crosses the line.

This is the move where he finally, the Manchurian candidate gets activated, and then he defenestrates me. I wouldn't be able to do it. That's a fun word. It's a fun word. Showing somebody out of the window. Yeah.

Yeah. That's one of my favorite words. I know that because my sister's friend, we threw the Christmas tree out the window and she was like 11 and she goes, did you just defenestrate that Christmas tree? And we were like, nah, bitch, we threw it out of the window. No, I wore a condom. Dude, I, so when I cucked the guy, they were like dating.

And it was very, what do you giggling at over there? Whoa. Talking about cucking. Yeah. Have you cooked? Have you cucked? Have you been cucked? Gotten cucked?

Watch the cuck. Oh, he's a Catholic. He's a good man. So you cuck and then ask for forgiveness later? I'm, I cocked. They both cucked, they said. I cucked.

I've had a threesome, but I couldn't get it going. See, you need a leader, okay? When you have a threesome, it was a threesome that turned into a cucking. And I kind of thought it was going to get there because the girl kept insulting the guy. Like I sat in the backseat of the car and there was a car seat. I was like, oh, I didn't know you guys have kids. She goes, it's not my little. my kid, it's his. I would never have kids,

especially with someone that old. And I was like, oh my God. Oh, so she started with the humiliation. We got to the apartment and they were hemming and hawn. And I was like, well, someone's got to take the lead. And I was like, okay, you two, go to the bedroom, start kissing and take each other's clothes off. Me, I'll be

here for 20 minutes playing with your cat, Kee King. Then I'm going to go in the room and put on third eye blind self-titled album. And that'll set the mood. Then you're going to blow him. I'm going to eat your ass. And then Later, I'm going to get deathly ill right around the time COVID comes out. I'll think I have COVID, but then I'll remember I hate ass in Washington, D.C.,

which ended up being the real Chinese flu because they were Asian. You have a new special. Wait. You fucked Asians, too? I fucked everything under the sun. It was a married Asian couple. They weren't married. They were dating.

They were dating. But both Asian. She was, she was Asian. Okay. He was Asian. Okay. And they were speaking. some type of language.

I think it was Asian. What movie? I feel like my wife being Chinese. I should be mad now, but I'm not. You know the movie Cable Guy? Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun.

That movie really scared me. But I loved it. Because it was a stalker. There was like an uncanny part of it. Cable Guy and me, myself, and Irene had like weird spooky parts. You know what I did? I brought fart bombs into the theater. Yeah.

smashed them. Complained. Wow. Learned it for my aunt. I was in fucking like fifth grade. Fart bombs? Yeah, that's what you do in fifth grade. My aunt, shout out, Anne Carol.

I'm glad you're in hell. She used to bring white mice into restaurants. Let them loose to get free meals. That's racist. We used to take a bicycle pump and stick it up my friend's ass and pump him up and then light his farts on fire. Shadow Etzian. That just eclipsed any of my little stories. Pumped his at.

We took the bike to her. thing. We put it in his butt hole. Yeah. And then we pump, pump, pump, pump. And then he had big, loud, hollow farts and we set them on fire. I also one of my girlfriends. I have a bike pump upstairs. New fetish.

You ever been bike pump cuck? I would be scared to light my fart on fire because with the size of my ass, it may burn this whole motherfucker to the ground. Oh. Yeah. I got, I got big farts. You got a dump butt. You have autistic butt, which is crazy.

Yeah. Your butt looks like it could be a really good chest flage. Long division. Long division, big butt. Wait. Is the far bigger with the size of the ass? Or is it more of the roly of the holy? I mean, I don't, I'm not sure.

All I know is, I got some, I got some doozies. I got some dozies. I think my daughter, yeah. Mine don't smell, though. Mine don't smell. Oh, you think your shit don't stink? My shit literally does not stink. You think your shit don't think?

I mean, if there's a certain diet, yeah, but most of the time, no. I'm just kind of like on planes, farting all the time. Bro. All the time. I just played comedy on state. Shout out. Yeah, Madison.

And somebody farted in the crowd and I'm on stage and I see people being like, oh, wow. I fart on stage a lot and have to do a lap because I really stick myself out of house. Yeah. So you're just trailing it the whole time. Oh my God. I hate when I fart myself up on stage. It's crazy. And then I'm looking at the front row being like, don't you say shit?

Do they know? Yeah. See, you got to get to theaters more of a separation. I literally was just doing it in theaters. Yeah. I was just farting myself. And I was like, this stage is so big and I cannot escape this fart. It's unbelievable.

It's little anxiety farts. It's crazy. There's one joke where I make a joke that I'm farting on the audience. I'm actually doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm like, this is my, this is a weird form of domination. Somebody farting in the crowd.

I saw people reacting and I stopped my set. I thought somebody was like sick. Yeah. And I was like, hey, is everything all right? And then somebody farted. And then people around like, it stinks like shit. Somebody farted. And I was like, oh my God.

I was like, should I light a cigarette to like sage? And they're like, yeah. So I fucking ripped a sick and I was moving it around. And I was like, look, whoever farted, no shame, come up in the meet and greet, free t-shirt. Because you were the reason I get to smoke a cigarette. And nobody cop to it. It was crazy. I was at the stand.

How bad are your t-shirts? I was at the stand. How many slurs do they have on them? I told a joke and it was like this. It was like, ha, ha, ha. And then right at the end of it, it was a huge fart. You farted? No, somebody did in the, it was like.

audience and I was like I know what you just did I know that you were pushing so hard while people were laughing and the second the laughter stop you ripped so pushing so loud really does something inside of my brain yeah does you ever play guess the fart with your partner what is guess the fart because you you say to your partner you go guess do it guess can I fart no I got nothing here I'll play I'll play because I recorded it with me and my ex you go guess the fart and they go and then you fart does he if it sounds alike alike a like to what The noise they make. You go, guess a fart, and you go, romp, and then you fart, and it's like,

and you're like, you were way off. Yeah, yeah, ready, ready, I'll play. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, it's a fun game. You should do it. Brings people together. Now, this one video is really cute. Okay.

But the other one, I did it, and it, okay, ready? Yeah. Guess the fart. Can you hear it? Guess the fort. It was the exact, it was. the exact noise. Wait.

That's how you show that you know it is. But then this is... That is her choking. We were playing guests to the smell. Ah. And yeah. And you had been vegan for a few days.

Yeah. First video really cute. Very cute. So, a video. I wouldn't wish that. Yeah. Might be a hate crime. Yeah.

You have an Asian wife, though. She doesn't fart. They don't fart. No, she does. Really? Yeah, in the sleep. And then 15 minutes later, she wants to fart again. Hey, hey.

Yeah, no, she farts in her sleep. She's punched me three times in her sleep. Like just straight up, just like decked me. The first night I spent with a girl one time, she ripped ass in her sleep. And I actually thought it was like pretty cute. Was it loud? Yeah, yeah, it was like.

It's adorable. It was cute. You get to a certain age. Like in your 20s, I don't care anymore. I can't fart. I don't care anymore. I can't let them know I do anything.

And then you get like past 35. As long as it doesn't smell, I'm like, be comfortable. I don't care. Sure. And even if it does smell, warn me, great. But be comfy. You don't have to put up airs for me. You don't have to act like you don't shit or fart.

Just fucking rip. Yeah. We're adults, dude. Just go. Right? Totally fine. Just make sure it's no stinky when I leaky. Sometimes my farts, though.

I mean, I have. friends be like, I don't actually think that's going to be appropriate in an intimate setting. They can get really... What, is your sound like a fog horn? It's like, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. It's like long. You're just like a mosh pit. Yes, yeah, it's like a lot of vowels.

But that's fine. Ro, ra, ra, ra, ra, ra. It's like that. You've done that when it smells and the smell is worse than the sound. I totally hear you. Because that ra, rah, rah, ra is the noise I make when I'm buking when I smell. It's the sound of near shit, exiting. It's not great.

So you can do guess the puke then, too. Yeah. But I do think you have to fart in front of your partner. I do think it's very funny and it's the best. It's a good tester, for sure. That's why guess the fart is, or what's it called? Guess the sound? Guess the fart.

You said guess the fart. Is that what it is? Yeah. That's why it's fun. It's your game. You don't know the name of it? Yeah. Yeah, that's fun.

How long are you in town? I leave tomorrow, but then I come back Saturday and do town hall. And then go home on... What are you leaving the city for for two days? A day. Two days. Going to Wilkes Bear, Pennsylvania. Shout out, Colourts, shot out Frostfire.

What the fuck is up? Yeah. And then Philly. And then... Shout out Blacklist. Shout out Punishment. Shout out Kilvrona Little League. What the fuck is up?

All right. What are these? Sorry. Other bands. Other bands. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

I was like, I was very confused. I don't know if there's bands, if there was guys that you buy the weed off of in those areas. Sober, sober. Completely? Yeah. Not even like California sober. No, nothing. How long has this been for?

11 years. Really? I did not know that about you. Because I act like I'm fucked up. Yeah. At least on like, you know, some sort of mind-altering substance. Yeah. There's medication in there.

My wife actually sent me a video of yours recently, Ian. Get out of here. Yeah. And she's like, do you know this guy? He's really funny. No way. Yeah. Oh, that's so cool.

Thanks. It was a crowd work thing where a guy where he said like, yeah, me and my chick broke up. And you're like, was it because she was crazy? Oh, he was like? I was like, why? He's like, she was like, she? I think the call is coming from inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was the whole breakdown. And she thought it was very empowering to women. Oh, I appreciate that. And she really liked your bit. I always love it when she sends me bits of other comedians going, now this. This is what you should. more stuff like this. Like a million smoke cigarettes on stage.

I'm a girl's girl. I'm a girl's girl. I'm a girl's guy. Girls girl. I'm for the girlies. You've been with guy girls and girl girls. I love everything under the rainbow. Yeah.

As you should. It doesn't matter what parts as long as there's someone driving behind the wheel because I will not full around with someone who's retarded. Jordan Is that what you're trying to say? Respectfully Yes I thought you were going to go

for like rotary club member Who is a part of the rotary club? Just proving that I'm fully retarded You're like re and I'm like tarded That's what you're saying I mean so we're not supposed to say the full art word anymore Can you say tarded? You can say tartid

My mom says bow tarded Bo tarded? Yep, that's some hick shit Is that like? Is that like Bo Jackson nose mental handicaps? No idea. No idea where it came from. She also calls Home Depot DePomo. She's a Lose lady.

I got to go to Deepomo. She calls Wegmans, Wegwomen's. I love this. She's a fantastic individual. I think we should have more vocabulary words. They should be commercials in your podcast. Is that how long of the Dick do? She also said that's slicker than deer guts on a doorknob.

Oh, yeah, they go, it's carpentry terms. You go, how long, how much of a cutcha I make? Ball hair. Cone hair long. Pussy foot. Hand me the pussy foot. Man, that fits tighter than a frog's ass. Upstate New York.

Upstate. Carpenters. Amazing. All right. Because we used to say it. When I was a carpenter, we would say the same shit. You were a carpenter? Like Jesus.

And I was a teacher. And I love washing my friend's feet. Huh. No, I said no to that. Please, please. I'll use my hair. Like, let's lure. Like, just a cunt's hair.

Yeah. Just a cunt's hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I'll use your hair. I'm using a cunt's hair. Oh. Ian Pidance.com. Man, I called a bunch of women in the park today, cunts out loud.

Why? They were being cunts. What'd they do? The dogies ran up to them and they were like, ah! And I said, cunts. Oh, you mean your dog off leash ran up to a group of people that didn't want their dog a dog running up to them? Well, it was my friend's dog and it was bigger and wet.

Oh, yeah. But your friend's dog was off leash. Oh, yeah. Wet. Running up to strangers. They are not the cunts. Playfully bounding, I would know it. There's no, I don't care if it's playfully bounding.

I don't care if it's skipping all the live long day. Don't sit in the park if you don't want to playfully bound. Don't bring your dog off leash. I agree. That's crazy. And then it's rude. So here's what you should do. Entry part, great.

People park bad. Yeah. I recently learned the, because I had one of those sign language interpreters and got the sign for cunt. What happened to you? So like, no, well, you do a show and then there's that people in the audience. Oh, I thought you had one tagging along with you like your assistant. I was like, what fuck is. Yeah, I just bring a sign language interpreter.

That's my Snoop joint roller. I just have someone signing behind me at all times. Dude, who's the comic who had a sign language interpreter? And she's like a black lady and just walked up to him and just started yelling the N-words. So the interpreter was just like, it couldn't do it. That's genius. That's incredible. Wait, wait, wait.

Now, you can't, if you're white, you can't say it with your mouth. Can you say it with your hands? Oh. You could say N word. Hey, cancel my sign language for tomorrow. So, I have two. Two of my opening acts are black guys. And when we've had sign.

Well, we've had the award to this. Sign language interpreters. Oh, we got a. They say the N word. Oh, my God. White guilt will you. That's me. White guilt right here.

And they say the N word. They say the N word. And the one it rhymes with, no. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, do. Bradley, and then the interpreter does a sign. I don't know if that's the sign for it. Who are your openers? Give him a shout out.

J.B. Ball and Quincy Weekly. So yeah. Shout out, J.B. Shout out. Quincy. I do my podcast with J.B. It's called heightened babble. Oh, nice.

Strange stories on the internet. We crack wise about him. That's fun. My stepbrother just named his ginger female baby Quincy. And I'm like, that is a. Large black man's name. Ginger female. Yeah. Quincy Weekly is a large black man.

Quincy Adams. Quincey Adams. Yeah. Who has the Lord in his heart. Yeah. Because you either have John Quincy Adams. Yeah. Or you have Quincy Jones and my opening at Quincy Weekly.

Yeah. And now you're red-headed female baby. A little girl named Quincy. I don't know. What are you doing to her? Call her cue. She's going to get to be five years old and be like, you're my motherfucker.

This is going to have. I love it. Why Quincy? Like Quincy Mass. Are they from Massachusetts? Nope. Hmm. Very interesting.

Are they sponsored by Quince clothing like we are? This episode is sponsored by Rula. You can't pour from an empty cup. Get the mental health care you deserve with Rula. Rula connects you to high quality therapy at an affordable price with no weightless or frustrating back and forth. Rula partners with more than 100 insurance plans. And the average co-pay is only 15. a session. Fifteen Buccanees a session. You watch a show, you know we're unwell, and you're probably

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You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. Yes. Makes sense. Now, Ian, I'm very curious about this. I asked quince for free luggage. Didn't give it to me. He said, used a discount code. I said, my discount code?

You motherfuckers. You motherfuckers. Ian, if you had to name a child. Topos, though, sent me a free bag. Thank you so much, topos. What would you name a child? Because I'm very curious about this. Well.

Do you go funny? Do you go conservative? What do you do? Naming my child, Tucker Carlson. That's how conservative you're going. I will go because I'll name my kid, Jesse Waters. I'm going to be a fucking pussy. George, George,

George White, Wallace, Five, five, I like the name Leon. I like the name Leroy. I like the name Josephine. I like the name Jolene. I like the name,

Camille. I like the name Clyde. You got to choose one. I like, I'm having a lot of kids. I like, I like the name, John,

my father's name. Okay. I think you should, I think you should do a hyphenated John Clyde or John Otis. Ooh, John Clyde. John Clyde is kind of cool.

It's kind of badass. John Otis. Yeah. John Clyde Finance. Otis is cute. Yeah. A little Odie. I know.

I'm imagining you having a kid and it already has a mustache and it's Otis. I'd be a really good dad. It's just not something I care for at this point in my life, but I'm really enjoying being an uncle to my friend's children.

That's one of my favorite things. Yeah. That's a good starter. I love it. have this in your house. Yeah. Yeah. I'm more of an aunt.

Throw them around, chucking up. I walk in, they go, on Ian, on Ian, I go, Lord, you ready for some fun? By the time I leave the house, they all go like this. He crazy. I love it. Now, Ian, I've seen you in a dress, so I think you would be a fantastic aunt.

Thank you. Yeah. I appreciate it. I built a whole fairyland for my niece, and her friends came over the other day and in a crawl space, and they all played in fairyland. And I dug a pond.

In a crawl space? You dug a pawn. You know what he said? Like my house is like this. And I was dressed as Pogo the clown. Yeah. I locked it. Why not?

There's a camera. It happened. In a cross face. What did you make this house out of? Cards. And they're crashing down around. Many little stuff. Like what?

I just call that stuff. Like little stuff. Yeah. You would love it. Women love complicating stuff, brother. Come on. Fuck you, Sloss. I love that.

Yeah. I love it. Why are my pants hiked up so high? I love a good cross-s-s. So many curves of tight hands. It's just long boxes. Those are boxers? Tighty.

What do you call these? Tight whites? No. Not tight whites. Not boxers. These are called. Long underwear. Compression short?

No. What's it called when they're not boxers? Boxer briefs. I love you, Danielle. That's your name, right? Yep. I knew it because I love you. Crazy how fast I forgot that was your name.

Never would have guessed that. You don't respect women. What is my assistant look like? if not a Danielle, what name would you guess? I thought it was an A. I thought it was Ariana or something like that. I could see Ariana. Okay.

Are there any blue water bottles in there with sparkly water? Okay. The Saratogas? Yeah. We really need a water sponsorship. If you're water out there, sponsor us. You hear me big water? Thanks.

Isn't everyone sponsored by liquid death? You can't give them a show? No. No. And they just would drop off cases and not pay you. Liquid death. They paid you with the life. They ended?

They finished? No, they stopped giving out free water. Son of a. And liquid death, thank you for all the free water. But then, like, I was like, yeah, we just want sparkling still. They're like, what about our new flavor? Berry blasts old mango. You're like, no, no, no, no, just regular water.

They're like, what about carburetor river? And you're like, no, no, no, no, I don't want a non-binary barista names. See, I want a regular water. That's how I am with ice. tea because sometimes I go to a diner, I'm like, can I get an ice tea? And they're like, we have Banana Passion Fruit ice tea. I'm like

that's not iced tea. It's not. It's something else. Advertised it as something completely different. We have cherry vanilla lime. You want and iced tea. Yeah. You know what that doesn't happen with? Coffee. Right? Simple coffee. Yeah. You want it black or cream?

In the South, it doesn't happen. You get sweet. You get unsweet. Period. One of the funniest things. And you got diabetes. Ever. with sweet tea. I was at a, I was at a waffle house in the South. And there was, I love Waffle House. Me too.

If I could request literally any company on earth to sponsor me. Dude, I had the best Waffle House. I had the best friend I hadn't seen in like a decade and a half. His wife, the members of Gwar, and we ate on a blanket outside of Waffle House in fucking Richmond, Virginia.

Beautiful. And at 3 a.m. And it was awesome. As God intent. I'd go ahead and say this. Waffle House, pretty flat. Shout out, Martin. Not good. Not good. Not good.

You don't like it. No. You're a contrarian. Not good waffles, not good eggs. You're a contrarian. I'm not a contrarian. Danielle, you're like, you're smiling. You agree.

Tiny portions. I don't have enough portions. Waffles are stupid. Can I tell you something, Danielle? I no longer love you. I'm about to fire her. Fire. Fire.

People are up sometimes. Danielle, you're fired. You don't like Waffle House. You don't like, why don't you like Waffle House? Not enough. Not a gourmet meal, you spoil bread. Not sloppy enough. You wanted more sloppy.

Too pristine. Wait, are you calling Waffle House too pristine? Not sloppy enough. If it's a diner, I want sloppy eggs with grease. I'm tired of the slimy, sloppy eggs. It's like here's one, two little weird eggs and then a weird waffle. You haven't had a crackhead making your eggs? Because that's what I normally get.

What Waffle house are you going to do that they're too pristine? That those are words. You're crazy. They're corporate. Corporate amount of eggs. Corporate amount of waffles. That's like saying Alex Jones is too composed. I want a woman named Darcy be like, I'm giving you six waffles extra.

That's what it. That's what the last time you were in a waffle house. Are you thinking of I'm all the time in. All the time in I think of I hop. Now this is possible. Because is IHop what I'm describing? That is IHop. Yeah, because Waffle House is literally everything to the opposite.

Everything you're not Waffle House. Waffle House. If Waffle House is sloppy, then I'm all in for it. That's what Woblo House is no full. I hope is no good. I'm saying this since the beginning of the podcast. I'm out on IHop. So we're...

I still like IHop. Yeah. So we're at a Waffle House, and then we're eavesdropping on the couple behind us, two middle-aged women. And one's talking about, you know, I went on that no-sugar diet, and I haven't lost a damn pound. I've been doing it for over two months, and I've not lost one pound on this no-sugar diet. Waiter comes over. Will you ladies have anything to drink? We'll have a nice tea.

Sweet or unsweet. Oh, sweet. I'm like, oh, you sweet spirit. You don't know what makes the tea sweet. Yeah. Did you lean over and say, hey, it's the sugar. Yeah. That's the magical thing that makes the tea.

What was the last time you interrupted on a stranger's conversation? Earlier today, I called some ladies cunts. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's right. I like to do it all the time. Because as a comedian, I think we have a superpower that if we're out in a about like do you ever just go into a place where they're not a people aren't expecting comedy and you can just drop a one liner and then just leave i do elevator one liners all the time a wedding a

wedding in alaska nobody knew me and i did a speech and people were like you need to be a comedian and i was like i'll think about it dude i had the best stranger interaction the other day me and and chris o'connor we're in saratoga we're walking around and it's a beautiful day there's flowers everywhere i take i stop i pick one up and i put it in my hair and these two old little ladies go, Your ear. That's illegal. And I go, what's illegal?

Looking pretty, because if it is, lock me up. And they went, oh, baby! And I was like, I love life. That's all. Those are my interactions. I love it. I like. I'm not good at dropping little lines because I really, um.

I mean, when we go to the movies, have some elevator material. He's throwing riffs out. Oh, dude. Such a nightmare. I went to, I, I, those are my open mics. Because when I went and saw obsession, I crushed. Foley was there. Foley can vouch.

I was killing an obsession. I even farted. Some people thought it was part of the movie. Other people got it. They thought it was a door creak. Oh, yeah. I farted at the end of the movie and a quiet part.

Loved it. They did love it? Black theater? Folli! Was it a black theater? Foley! Did I crush during obsession? Thank you.

There we go. Love that. That's wonderful. I love going into a crowded elevator. And then as soon as the doors close, I go, now that you all are here, I would love to tell you about my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. That's awesome. And then just the look of on their faces, it's delightful.

But you got to follow it over. I'm just kidding. Hell Satan. Do you know what I do sometimes? I go, who wants to fight? And then I hit the alarm and it goes, ding ding, ding. I go, put him up. That's good.

You ever do that? I'm going to start using that. How do you feel when kids get on and hit all the buttons? Want to kill them. Yeah, kill. It's immediate rage, isn't it? Because what we're dropping is the little tidbits of joy into that elevator. When a kid hits all the buttons, that's my time.

I don't think I've ever laughed harder the other day when Coyote walked up to this Mexican guy. And he goes, oh, oh. And Coyote's being so cute near him. And he's going, oh, oh. And I go, she bites. And he goes, he goes, Kay? And I go, she bites. And then he jumped in the air and ran so fast.

And me and his buddies were dying. Me and these, like, three Mexican dudes were. On our hands and knees, crying, laughing. Oh, all right. I like doing that. I'll scare people if I can. Top people, like funniest runners go. What?

Who runs the funniest? Is there a racist? Fat whites. Fat whites. Fat whites. Pretty good. Henry! Just a joke.

Funniest runners. Hmm. Because. Just kidding. Nothing. She was trying to make a joke. I did a joke. It worked.

It was good. Huh? Oh, it's a shame. You have to walk. Funniest runners? Have you ever seen? Oh, when a little kid is, has a backpack on wheels like a little pilot. Oh, that's a good one.

That's a solid one. Are you not a funny runner, might I ask? Dwarves are hilarious runners. I wanted to say it. I was going to say, you know, like, you look when you're at the airport. You might as well, I didn't. I didn't. I am being responsible.

When Brad's trying to catch a flight. I still feel bad about when you were at the house the last time and we did the picture. I told this story on every single podcast I've ever been. I was trying to be because I felt we at the, we were taking a picture. We were taking a picture and Ian goes, Bradge, can I lift you up onto the counter? And Brad goes like this. No. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Because I'm such a people please or I would have been like, yes, but you were so clearly no. and you could watch Ian's face be like, yeah, what am I doing? I was so funny. I love jokes and being silly and I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but in the picture, we were like overtly leaning down. And I was like, this probably makes you feel less than. Let's all be the same level. And then I didn't take when it came out of my mouth.

I wanted to be like, oh, my God, it was so funny. It still feels so bad, burn. The best part was by going, no, man. It was so. The problem is most of the time I would be like you and be a people-pleaser and be like, yeah, whatever you want, whatever makes you happy, that's fine, I'll do it. But literally there's a couple of buttons that I have and getting picked up is like numero uno. It's not just you. Any of my friends under 5-8 cannot get so violent if somebody picks them up.

Yeah, because it happens to my people a lot. But you didn't hear because afterwards I said, put you on the counter and throw you. No, no, to this day, I did not mean disrespect. I've explained myself and right now it's too much. Ian, I'll let you know. This past summer. What are you giggling? This past summer.

What's the funny? Hold on. At the convention. You're out loud of thoughts. I've explained myself and now it's too much. Yes. I brought you up at the convention. What convention?

The Dwarf convention. Shut up. No, you did. Every summer. No, you did. It was in New Orleans. It was in New Orleans. Oh, Bradley.

This past year. There was only three there. Same shit. Same shit. Same thing. I was the king. But yeah, there's a dwarf convention every summer. That's so cool.

I go. I go with my family. And, yeah, the next one's in New York. Next, yeah, next summer is in New York. Oh, my God. When? If you go to LPAonline.com, you'll find the dates. And, yeah.

That's cool. Yeah. And you brought me up? You're kidding. Like, in a speech? In the meeting. because we go. You guys have meetings?

I mean, I'm not supposed to be saying this. But, like, he did not bring you up. We talk about. And there is no convention. There is a convention. But we talk about our list of grievances and who's a friend and who's an enemy. And, uh, someone. You've been blacklisted.

Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. What am I going to do about the next year without getting magic pixie dust thrown on? Oh, no. I mean, as a friend, as a friend, check under your bed. Oh, no. Because, like, I'm trying to call off the dogs.

Oh, no. No. My friend brought his Brazilian mother to the cellar. I'm not going to get chocolate coins dropped off in my shoes anymore. My friend brought his Brazilian mother to the seller. And she's obsessed with dwarfs is what I say. Dwarfs a little bit. But it was Adam,

what's his name, Gilbert? Adam Gilbert. Adam Gilbert. He goes on stage and she hits my friend and she goes, oh my God, it is my favorite thing. Did you make this happen for me? Why isn't she coming down these stairs right now?

Dude, get her on the horn. Thick Brazilian accent. Get her on the horn. Adam doesn't count. Adam can't go to the convention? No, because he's over, he's over 410. You have to be under 410. Yeah, you have to be 410.

Yeah, but he's got like some sort of dwarfism thing. Nick Nevicki can come. He was there. So wait. You guys gatekeep the little person convention? 1,000%. I think I was on the elevator when somebody turned to you went, yeah, we man. I know exactly which comic said it.

And Brad goes, no, that's not me at all. And I remember. just being behind you guys and just being like like putting like a transcending my body in space and time. You got you got you don't really have a list of grievances. That was a joke right? Sure. There's a list.

There's a list of we have it's like what the Scientologists do with the suppressive people and you may have been brought up. You're in the public eyes. He has to. Show. Now I know you're fun in me. We now we let we have to know who we can rely on and who we can. We can promote it was like a support thing.

Like, here are things that I deal with it. I'm sure. There's a woman's convention where we do this too. Where we're like, is Seinfeld feminist? Is Ian feminine? Like, it's like you go through and then you have, there's like a power. What's a feminist? Yeah.

What's a ball of? Women are more than their bodies. Come on. What's the deal with these holes having thoughts? I don't like it. I got, but I'm trying to get you back in, buddy. Because I, because I know your heart is pure. and I know you're a good person.

Thank you. And you said it and they immediately were like, no. It's so funny. But it was very funny. I mean, I think about it a lot. The next time you have your convention,

your little convention. Next time you have your convention. Please put in a good word. Sherry's here. I brought Jim Jeffries to the convention one time. No way. That is not a joke. That's true.

That's awesome. Yeah. Jim Jeffries is so fucking brilliant. Yeah. He's so fucking brilliant. God Almighty. Yeah. I love him.

I don't know if I've seen him. You've never seen Jim Jeffries? No, I know my mom really likes him. Oh, he's fantastic. He's awesome. He's the best. Is he Australian? Yes, Australian.

Oh, he is Australian. Yeah, did you say Chinese? He said Chinese. He's, yeah, my mom really likes him. Really? He's fantastic. Rory Scovel's new special. Holy shit.

Oh, I haven't seen it yet, but I need to. Damn. Damn, dude, he's got an Eddie Bauer joke in there. If you can make a joke about the idea of Eddie Bauer joke. He's so fucking elite, dude. His special, I was dying. Oh, I can't wait. It's so good.

I can't wait to watch it. Sometimes you just need to say the topic. And then I'm just like, oh. It's so crazy to write a joke about that. I know. I'm so, I saw Mullaney at the Great Outdoor Fest and I was like, I should quit. The one that got canceled? No.

Yeah. We did a different one before that. Oh, because I did get canceled. I was so happy that got canceled. Fuck you. McElmore. That would be so. much money.

No, but we're going to get rebooked. I hope so. We have to, right? We have to get our money. I hope. We better get our money. That's my thing. Why was it canceled?

I don't know. Hey, hey, hey, I said this earlier, but no one heard me. Say it again. Why was it canceled? Why was it canceled? Put McElmore open the show. Did you say that earlier? You have something on your eye.

Wait. Oh, it's come. So Matt, gladly. Put it back. Stop that. So, Matt. That's all I have left. I need that.

That's my war paint to prove what I've done. Yeah, wait, why to get canned? I don't know. I was supposed to be performing last Saturday. I got a call on a Wednesday and said it's not happening. Suddenly canceled. Yeah. It worked for me because then I could just go home.

So it was perfect. But some people got, like T.J. Miller, I think, was like stuck somewhere in Canada. Yeah. So what, they booked somebody else and then those people weren't happy. So they had to. I don't know. It had a great lineup. You know, it had you, me and had Malaney on it.

Probably wasn't ticket sales. Adam Ray is Dr. Phil was doing it. There was probably some catastrophic event. No, no, it was by the hand of God. Was it terrible? Apparently it was early, early show ticket sales were bad for like two of the days or something. Which doesn't make sense because like. Who cares?

Yeah, exactly. Like, it's a field. Carrey was sold out. Like everything was like. Our Curry was my show. I was going to be there with you. Fuck, I was opening up. Yeah.

Bring in the barriers and make it. It's a fucking field. There's no parameters. You're just going to do the ones that are sold out. You know, this outdoor show doesn't sound so great. Yeah. I hope it happens. Yeah, they pay a lot of money.

Good money they pay. They were. It feels insane to go up there. Maybe that's why it got canceled because they were paying us way too much. That's cool you guys make so much money. Yeah. No, just this. What do you do?

Talk more about how much money you were with all your money. I don't see. That's so cool. I burn it sometimes. Wow. Yeah. No, I mean, I mean, I give them more. Do you guys want to talk about the Delta Lounge?

No, no, no, no, no. We're talking about, oh, well, no. When you're talking about lounges, you've got to go Amex Platinum. That's a solid lounge. It's a solid lounge. Right? That's solid Lounge. I hate the lounges.

It's called the Centurian Lounge. Hey, oh, my God. So do I. Hate them. Except the bathroom. I don't like, no, the walls go to the floor. You can't even get your coffee. It's nice because you.

Not with that attitude. Oh my God. I went to a food place, whatever, and coyote went into the bathroom with me, and she stuck her head under. And this Indian woman almost had a heart attack. It was like, oh, oh, and was losing her mind. And I came to the bathroom. I was crying, laughing. And then her daughter was listening to the mother.

And then the daughter was laughing. And the mother was like, I don't know. It was the funny. That would be my. Next time say hi to me, Zarno. Oh, it would be my dream. My dream would be a kid next to an Indian woman. You can make it happen?

Just go to the beach in Canada. The noise she let out was a full turkey gobble. It was unbelievable. Like to be taking a shit and then a dog, an adorable dog. That happened to me while I was getting my vaccine for COVID, is a golden dutal went under the curtain as I was getting the thing. And I was like, well. No, that was a flock camera.

So see, if a golden dude, if a golden noodle had mixed with your vaccine, then you like become Spider-Man, but with golden doodle powers. Yeah. Golden doodle gal. Golden. Golden day. Golden dog Golden dog

That's me That was such That was such a good attempt I'm just in all of this right now I'm just letting you do Tie your own ropes I was a golden doodle When I had a I make me a dog

I'll say that right now We had everybody in the cast of this movie I was make everybody a dog And then the makeup lady They made her a mangy disgusting mutt And all of us beautiful dogs It was a huge rift It was an issue for everybody

She was just bitter about it. We tried to redo it a few times, but it just came up with the same three-legged homeless dog every time. Yeah, like, I could see that if we were all doing that as a group and then I did it. And it's like, you're a chihuahua. I wouldn't. I'd say, don't put me in your AI evil witch's circle. Let's see what you would be as a dog.

No, fuck you. Come on, let's be on AI. What about a cat? Don't. All right. Let's just upload him right to George Soros's. No, I don't want you to AI me.

I don't want you to AI me. Let's just go. Ian is a cat. I don't like AI. Say hot. I do not support a cat. Say hi, Peter Thiel. Make him a cat.

No. This is, you're, okay, why don't you just pour out my thing of water? That's what you're doing. All right. Give it to me? No, no. Okay, here, here. You do that. We're done.

We're done. It's going to kill us. We're done. All of our, all of our, all of our, what's it called? When you do something again, something? Your resistance is futile. All of our resistances are futile. It's got our asses, dude.

It's jumped the shark. That's not going to cure your doubt. Ian, I would like to show you. Ian, look. Let's see. Ian is a cat. Worth every penny. Looks like a cool cat.

Can you overdose on water? That is worth. Yeah, I've gotten close on Molly before. Do you think I just searched? No, you're fine. You're fine. It's just going to be big burp. Yeah.

Tap your chest a couple times. Big burp, really clear pee. Can you burp me? Wow, usually women do this to me for money. Let it go. It's not working. I don't think you have a maternal instinct in here. The time I did this and vomited everywhere.

You don't have a maternal bone in your body. She was hitting you like an NFL football player. You were a spouse. I was like a bottle of ketchup that wasn't working. I'm really bad at it. All right. Are we going to treat this like sex with a hooker and wrap it up? No, ow!

I pay extra not to. Shout out to my girls, guys, gals, dolls. Protect you. Do you pay extra not to? We'll save it for another time. Oh my God. No, no. Years ago.

What? Years ago. Yeah. I know. Do you do that? It's like wearing a lampshade in the rain. It's not going to make sense. We're not doing that anymore, right?

What? Condoms? Yes, I use condoms. You too. And you know what? That was a strong eye roll. That was such a strong eye roll. I used condoms because it's even to drip the cum on my face.

Yeah. You need a delivery system. Like an icing on a cake. It's a dispensary. It's like a gogurt. I can do it on the go. Yeah. It's like when the popsicle melts, but the juice is still good.

Use condoms. Practice safe sex. Get tested. Use condoms at B&N.com. Every month. Every two months, if you were sexually active and promiscuous, it's another form of Safe sex. Knowing your status is cool. I'm at the beacon November 12th.

Hell yeah. That's awesome. My bad. My bad. There's testing centers all over each time. I just puke up in that water. Roll! Go ahead, Brad. What are you promoting?

I'll plug it. My newest special, it's called Live on Short Street. It is on my YouTube channel. Go to bradley. YouTube.com slash Brad Williams comedy and see me on the Tall Tales tour this year. Everything's about your height. Yes.

Tall tales. How old are you? You're a father. You're a father. You're a family. You're a nice. You wear hats like you sell papers in the 30s. Get over it.

There's more to you than those chicken bone legs. There's more to you, Brad. Please. We're begging you, Brad. Who's the famous dwarf actor? Don't care about him. Patrick Demsie. Patrick McDreamie?

What's his name? Peter Dinklage at the cellar got wasted and threw a chicken, a chicken. What's the, what's the one that's not the flat? Wing? The drum. The drum. Drum right at Jeffrey Asmus. He got drunk like a petty king.

Like a mini lord. That's like a full-fledged turkey leg to him. That's awesome. He had to use two hands to throw it. He was drunk and somebody tried to be like, this is Jeff Adler. I think it was, I think it was Andrew Schult and he just went like this. And through that rule. Oh, best night of my life.

Talk more shit about dink. That rule. I like him. Oh, let you go get dinked. EMPidance.com for tickets. Philadelphia, helium, November 5th to 7th. I'm on the road all over. San Francisco Cobbs, December 16th, Sacramento Punchline, the 17th, 18th.

Shooting a special December 31st and January 1st. Pittsburgh Improv. E&Daz.com for tickets. It's going to be great. I'm throwing myself my own birthday. I just found out, well, no, maybe I shouldn't announce that. Go. You're pregnant again?

Go. Well, Lenny Marcus just texted me and he said, do you have openers for Beacon? Does that mean maybe he would do it? Lenny Marcus is my favorite comedian. He might be opening at the Beacon. That would be huge. That would be great.

Oh, my God. That'd be amazing. I'd be 10 minutes. That'd be so sick. I'm sitting right here. It's the only place where you can see, Lenny. That's amazing. You're playing the beacon and I'm sitting right here.

That's amazing. You're having Lenny do a guest spot. That's incredible. I'm not going to have him do a guest spot. I'm going to have to do the whole goddamn dope. Yeah. Then you can be what I was going to do for Jeff R. Curry.

I'm doing odd jobs out every other Tuesday, YMH, EI, 828, Ian Help. My new advice show, call it. Leave a message. I'll call you back. Be by the phone on Thursdays between 9 and 11. Never forget. See you next time.

Bye bye.