Bein' Ian With Jordan - Dolphin Sound Effect.mp3 W/Edy Modica | Bein' Ian with Jordan Episode #210

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Comedian and Jordan's bizarro arch-nemesis Edy Modica joins the pod to pretty much only talk about the one perfect guy she and Jordan dated a long time ago. Hope you like dolphin noises. SUB TO OUR PUNCHUP FOR EXCLUSIVES! All of our dates AND bonus episodes are now available in one convenient place, all for the same price as the Patreon! Visit punchup.live/beinianwithjordan Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - Find & instantly book doctors appointments with ZocDoc @ http://ZocDoc.com/IAN Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Tommy! https://instagram.com/tommyjpope Follow Chris! https://instagram.com/achrisoconnor Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli-meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready, with a whole world and more. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, coffee ice, no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt.

It's a wild ride. When you're being in, being in... Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live alive. Being in, being in... With Jordan. Can I smell of coffee? Yeah.

What kind of sickness do you have? Oh, it's a fever. No. But it did break last night. You do not have a fever. You're the only person I know every other day. I'm sick, I'm sick. You're not sick.

Because I'm always like borderline sick and then I get into some fucking crazy gnarly fight and then I get fucking fevery. That's your nervous system. Yes. Telling you that you're sick. Why are you wet? There's coom on our shirt. Yeah.

Some schmutz. Some smut. Yes. Can I please have some of that coffee? Yeah, yeah, but let me put it in your cup. In my cup and then I'll spit it in your. your mouth. Not spitting it into my mouth.

Well, let's bet again. Okay, here's the deal. I'm going to talk for a second. Okay. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Beanie and Richard. And I am so excited. Give me the coffee and let me talk.

I'm so excited for our guest. Ian didn't fart. Ian didn't fart. Her name is E. E. Modica. And she, oh, poop. And,

and. Um, she's the best. She's a new special out. She was fantastic on jury duty. Thank you. What's the special called? I'm just like you and it sucks. And it sucks is in the special.

Yes. And you are responsible for my most recent vocal stim because you posted a clip where you talk about how you have a capped tooth. Yes. And you, when you suck on it, blood comes out. Yes. And she sucks on it. Dude, dude, there's two fake teeth. Dude, blood comes out of them.

She goes and when I suck on it, blood comes out. The crowd's like, huh? And you're like, yeah. And then you suck on it and show your tongue. And everyone's like, ew, and you go, and you go. And it stinks. Thanks, Ian. Sorry, sorry.

At the slipper room. Yes, slipper room rules. What's it on? Veep.com, honey. How many dollars do you have to pay for? I don't know, but it'll be on YouTube. Don't say that. It's on Veeps and that's where you're going to pay money.

Veeps.com. Just support her. She fucking rules. She's been a fucking name in New York comedy for a while. She's fucking weird. She's fantastic. The best. She's atypical comedy which is what we like.

Yes. I want to try it. I'm open to try it. You can try it on yourself. You can try it? Can you describe what it feels like? Exactly. Where do you do it?

Where do you do it? You can do it over your pants. You don't have pants on. Yeah, over your shorts. Over your umbrose in celebration of the World Cup. I was wearing umbrose before I came here. Oh, it's making my heart hurt.

No, do you have a heart condition? No. What do I hit this? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Does it stick to you?

How about the little one? You want to do the little one? It just go. No, that doesn't work anymore. Yeah. Turn that off though. It is off.

You've done it to yourself? You did it to yourself? That doesn't mean you've done it? Yeah. Just go like this. Make it go. Make it go like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What did you get removed?

A Hamza on my foot. Oh, you had a Hamza? Yes. Oh, what's a Hamza? It's giving Israel hard. What's a Hamza? A protective Jewish symbol, but it's also Islamic. Get rid of the Hamza.

You're Jewish? Yes. Of course. Oh, my God. Yeah. So here's the deal, Ian. What? Oh yeah, you have stories to tell about you and Edy that you wouldn't tell me earlier.

Well, here's the deal. Me and Eadie have similar faces, if you notice by her giant teeth and weird eyes. Yeah, but your eyes go straight. Yours go, we're right. Okay, sorry. Mine's you in the morning. It takes a few hours to get one to go. Right?

It takes forever. And when I get bored, one drifts off. I think I can do it on command. Let's see. Wait. Am I doing it? You're going to tase me? No more tasing.

That was so funny to watch you concentrate on your eye. I think I can do it. You have to like soft focus one of them. Wait, do I do it? Yours are going in. But it's because when you have big eyes, one just gets drift. One gets tired. They're too big, but I'd rather have big, beautiful eyes.

Than little beady eyes. Watch this. Take your glasses off for a second. Oh my God. I don't even see them. Where are they? I'm a raccoon. Wow.

Raccoons have big beautiful eyes. hard to wear glasses because I'm horrific without them. Okay, so basically, I, Edy was my nemesis. Why? Did you feel that way? Oh, yeah. Really? You had animosity.

Oh, yeah. See, I always like really looked up to you and was like, she's so fucking cool. Oh, you had to die. You had to die. Let's cut wrestling promos. You are going to wrestle Eadie and you're cutting the promo like, oh, yeah. This Saturday, me and Eidie. Okay.

This Saturday, Jordan Jensen gets redemption on Edie Motica. For what? Dating a guy she dated many, many years ago. Same guy, but still hurts. Long time ago, still hurts. So basically what happened was the first love of my life, changed my life, loved him to death. He breaks up with me because, yeah.

Is that the one that you push his come on one of his books? Yeah. Yeah. I had sex. It came inside me once and I was mad at him because he was saying some bullshit to me after. And I stood over his art book and pushed out all over the comments. Wow. There's a lot of things.

There was a lot of wigs. There was a lot of getting arrested. There was a lot of going across the country and working for a roofer, a guy named Angel who rips who kicked us out of the apartment. What years was this? College. I was probably, we were together two years, probably 1920, 19 and 20 years old. Oh, I thought you met the year 1920. It's like, what?

I knew you were a B. But then B. comes back to New York. I'm like, surely I'm going to be dating again. This is huge for me. When did you come back to New York? I don't know. Can we not do time?

I'm not good at time. I don't know that either. 100 years later. Hundreds of years. Damn. And then he starts dating the Bobo version of you. Then he started dating him? Yes.

Then he starts dating him. I'm like this. I'm on my way. Ready for this? I'm on my way to a poker game because me and my used to play poker in college and we'd beat everybody because we'd beat everybody because we would mind melt and we would fucking crush and it was amazing because we were so in love. So I haven't seen in years, like a hundred years. And I'm on my way there.

I get explosive diarrhea because I'm so nervous. So I go into this restaurant that my buddy owns and I pretend that I'm going, oh, congrats on the restaurant, blow up his bathroom. And then me and Nell, Nellie, go to house. I remember this. We proceed to play poker. I'm like adjusting my posture every two seconds. You're there. Nope. I'm going to the bathroom every four seconds. Da-da-da-da. Right. I'm like checking. I'm like, this is the night. This is the night. the night. Okay, then he gets a phone call, okay, from sobbing girl, okay? Sobbing girl got their bike stolen, runs out of the apartment to rescue her in the same way that he used to rescue me. I say, who is that? He says, it's Edy. And I say, it's Edy, the one that people always compare

me to and people always say that we should meet because we'd be best friends. And he said, yeah. And I was like, the one who looks exactly like me. And he goes, yeah. And I was like, okay, good. That's good. The one that's more fun version of me, the one with me would like. less anger. The one with me with more love in their heart, the one with me with me with lots of friends, the one with me who's a little bit shorter and a little bit skinny, or is that the one you're talking about? The smaller version of me, is that who you're saying? And he said, yeah. And he said, yeah. So yeah, she had to die. But then, of course, in fashion, he destroys her heart. And then we bonded together over Instagram and we're like,

how about, and I was like, how about and we both have the pain. And it was all because the chosen one that he met when we were in college, he broke. broke up with me my friends are like Jordan he's never gonna find somebody better than you and I'm like you're right we've been together for two years we love each other we fucking we've we've we've been stuck in igloos together we've done crazy shit together right and then there is one girl that everybody's talking about it's kind of on it's kind of I'm gonna call her betty I'm gonna call her betty everybody's talking about this girl freshman year she's the hottest girl that anybody's ever seen have you seen the new freshman have you seen the new freshman she's so

hot and that is the girl that he was dating fell in love with Broke my heart over, broke years later, Edie's heart over, and now is married to happy, both have cards. Married, wedding, going to have kids, happy.

Yes, everybody's happy. How crazy is that? You think that something bad is going to happen. You think I will get redemption, but you don't get any redemption. They live happily together in love. Isn't that fucked up? And me and you?

Sad all the time. Yeah, but how could he not hurt her in the same way? Because they're married. She's the ultimate. She's too tall and skinny. Fuck!

You can't reach her. He goes, Okay, wait, I have the story one time. Should we call? Oh, yeah, totally. No. Yes. I haven't spoken to him.

Oh, my God, we're calling. Are you serious? I feel like he'll... Shut up! Okay, Ian, don't bellow. Okay, just let me talk for some. I'm gonna say. What are we gonna say?

I'm gonna say it on the truth. Don't freak out. This isn't nice. It's what I'll say. Oh, you don't feel comfortable with this? No. Okay, turn it off. No.

No, do you not feel comfortable? I'm just like... Turn it off. Your call has been forward. He's a woman now? I have his number memorized from being... I've been his number memorized. I got his number memorized.

You just got rattled. Wait, hold on. I'll take a picture and send it to him. Okay, that's better. That's better. I can't speak. We haven't spoken. What would you guys have said?

I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll raise you. I'm Ian Fidance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs.

YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got a rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? a doctor sucks, but it doesn't have to. Thanks to Zoc Doc. Zococ is a free app and website that lets you search and compare local in-network doctors. No waiting on the phone. Just click to instantly book an appointment.

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That's Zock-D-O-C-D-O-C-com slash Ian. Zoc-D-C-com slash Ian. Thanks to Zoc-D-D-K-O-C for supporting this message and the show. Perfect. Now take a picture of me and send it to him and go, we've both moved on.

No, I'm not doing that. I don't want him to think that I've fallen. Wait, I have a story about him. He once, wait, wait, you send your text. What are you saying? Hi. Oh!

I hope he answers. That's crazy. He's going to go something like, he's going to be like, nice. Yeah. Yeah. Classic. We spoke, I was like, you need to stop talking to me. Like, I need space.

And then he just never spoke to me ever again. Yeah. One time we were having sex and he like went to pull his penis out. Yeah. I can't, it hurts my heart to even hear those words. Isn't that crazy?

Oh, I'm sorry. Please continue. My whole body just went tingly. Isn't that fucked up? It's been 10 years. No, like in a pain. It hurt.

Well, okay, I didn't date him that long and it was not as serious as what you had with him. It's what I truly believe. Okay. Then continue. But you did have sex with him, which is. I did.

I did. Yeah, but you told me that he called you better Jordan. I thought that was strange. I told me that. Okay. He pulled his penis out and his nail accidentally cut his penis. So you stop. On the head.

Did it stink? It stinks. The blood stinks. And when he saw the blood, he passed out on the bed and then fell onto the floor. Do you know in my special there's an entire five minutes about me telling a story about ripping my vagina with his penis? Pulling out there being blood on it. We both have vasal vagal. So he fainted.

And then I fainted and neither of us could stop fainting. And we were fainting over and over. And I had to army crawl to my mom's bedroom. I can't believe you also had a sex faint. with story. Insane. Did he respond? He didn't.

Oh. That's crazy. I want it to be chill with him at this point. I'm like, it's chill. He's literally have the happy life. He has a happy life. So you're not even thinking about us ever. I love my boyfriend.

I have a bad time all the time. You don't deserve that and it pisses me off. You don't know. I punch walls a lot. What? I punch walls. I say stuff like this. Do you love me?

Do you love me? Is it okay? Me too. I have crazy anger problems. Really? Yes. And you have found love? Yes.

And we deal with it. We've been doing a new thing where you go like this. When I start, my boyfriend goes like this and we have to touch fingers and kiss. And that like kind of breaks it a little bit. We go. And then you kiss. And then we go. And that makes us laugh a little.

Yeah. But he's all. That's really cute. Your boyfriend's all in. Your boyfriend's. Isn't that nice? That's really nice. I'm just dating another fucking.

Crazy person. not crazy, but very much like I could really take it or leave it. And I'm leaning more leaving. You feel that way. No, he's like that. What do you think of this guy? Tell her. Tell her how long this has been going on.

Four years, right? Four and a half years. And have you hung out with this person? 13 times she's broken up. I've. You have spent time. Stop. Don't.

We will move on to a different topic. That sounds great. We'll talk about this outside. Yes. I just think you really deserve like someone who's so all about it. Yeah, I had that, but it made me crazy. Okay, but there's another one out there.

What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, we're getting there. We're getting closer. Are we? Sure, let her say that. Yeah, if I can go a certain period of time without going sicko-mo Jordan, then I will prove to myself

that I am capable of being a healthy-minded person. What do you do? Anger? I don't even want to be in this. I don't even want to be in this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I'm leaving it. But when you're doing it, is there a little voice that's like, stop. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So then that's, that is all I needed to hear. You're going to be fine. Okay. You just have to get in control of that in some way, right?

Yeah. So how do you get in control of it? You have to just cut it out. Listen to it. Yeah, you cut it out. Or and be willing to be like, okay. What if your guy recognizes that and you guys do a finger touch thing? What could you do to combat that?

that that would help you feel seen and supported. And he recognizes that's going on in you and can help you see it. Because see, something like that happened with me and Jordan where she would have these freakouts, you know, she is PMDD. So I tracked her period on my phone and I have my own chocolate and pads and stuff in my apartment. And she said when I get out of control, kind of bring, bring me back and let me know. And she would say, am I getting my period soon?

Am I? And I'd say, yes, you are. And I'd say, hey, your period's coming up soon. So make sure you, you know, make sure you're eating and taking care of yourself. And then one time we got into a really big screaming argument on the street. And she was holding a chain and I was holding a bike lock. And she was, you're a fucking asshole. And I looked at my phone.

And I go, hey, everything you're saying is totally valid. I just want to let you know, I looked at the calendar. You're like right there when you're going to get your period. I just want to know some of these emotions might not be, it might be because of it. And she was like, yo. Don't you dare tell a woman about her body? And I was like, Hulk, Hulk, put it, Bruce Banner, where are you? I will say, how dare you?

Whatever level of anger you're getting to. Oh, how dare I listen? Whatever, you can't tell a woman when they're on their period that they're probably overreacting as a period. You told me to tell you that. No, I didn't say let me know before my own period. But that's why the finger, that's why a gesture is better doing this because it's like. If I did this to my boyfriend, if I held up my finger, he would. be like put that fucking thing that's why he's not good for you that's why he's not good for you

no but if you guys my sicko mode is sick oh mode like i am able to within three seconds say a throw a thousand daggers at you and then go i know it's the worst that's what i do thing in the world and haunts you forever i still relive conversations for three years ago oh yeah it's crazy and it's my family it's how we are we're just like let me reduce you to rubble and then we go i was just kidding yeah i get joking and we can't you can't do it It's like you crack a windshield and it, the spider's out so much you can't fix it. You just have to replace the windshield. So if I can go a certain amount of time without entering sicko mode, which is not proving to be easy at all, it's crazy.

But what triggers sicko mode? Jealousy feeling like a chump, when I feel like a chump, when I feel like a dumb chump. Jealousy and chump chump. And does jealousy turn you on at all? Can you use it like that? No. You used to be in an open thing. You used to be like open girl.

I didn't. You hated it. I wasn't that into the relationship. I was shopping around. No, the jealousy thing, the having somebody be like, I'm mad. So what makes you jealous with him?

What could, like, who's, what? Him? Shh, don't do that. Then we have to cut that out when you do shit like that. Oh. It's so mean. It's so mean. Okay.

That's fair. Wow. The jealousy thing. Watching it. The jealousy thing. is anything. It's like any, it's like any jealousy

that a woman would have. But mine is, one time I put, speaking of, I put a cigarette out in his face. He told me that. And that made me think it was, you were really cool.

Really? Thanks. Wait, what? We were telling each other things that people, because I got, like psychotic as ex-exis have done. Yes.

Um, my friend, or my friend, my ex-boyfriend, anything? Nothing. Um, um,

um, we should continue to send pictures for the rest of our lives. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Um, this guy spit on me on the subway because whatever we were dating and we were running late to work and I was like the guy you were dating spit on you spit on me I was like why why I said the doors were open the train was stopped and we were running late to work and I was like he was getting like oh I've like mad about it and I was like there's nothing we can do like there's no reason to get so upset and then he went no no spit on me

Are you serious? I've been on men before. For sure. Really? Oh, yeah. Like that? He also once spit. I had a cup of coffee and I said something that annoyed him and he went and spit on the lid.

Oh shit. So the lid, it was just pooled on the lid. What is this scumbag? He has problems. So that guy, that's what I am. I put a cigarette out on face. No, no, no, no. You actually put a cigarette out on this dude's face.

That's so fucked up. Dude, I know. I was wasted. Oh, that means it. Do you hit? Are you abusive? No, I don't hit. I hit.

Oh, I did give a black guy. You hit? I hit my boyfriend. I gave a fuck guy because he wanted to do this. How? Like, when he pisses me off, like, or if he's doing something and he's annoying me, I go like. Do you go like, stop or are you like punch?

Like, I work myself up to like a like, and I literally this morning said to my boyfriend if he had like a string of, and you pull it and it and it's like, one of his is like, don't hit me. Oh my God. I know, but I'm trying. Yeah. And now he kind of like, sometimes when I'm making a joke, he'll like, get mad about it. And that really, oh, seeing someone you love when you're like going to make a joke go,

oh, yeah. I had a joke about that about Jack where I was like, I went to high five him and he flinched. And I was like, you think I would hit you with an open hand? Like a bitch. I just, I don't know, like you're a black eye. I put a cigarette on his face. I accused him of cheating on me because I found my own underwear. I think it's so.

It was so young. Honestly, I think it's cool that you guys can admit to domestic violence and laugh it off and then have no consequences. I think that's great. Progress. I think that's fantastic. I mean,

I've had horrible conversations where my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me because I hit him. And then I have to apologize and it feels horrible. I know. Now imagine having to go to jail for that. Or like. Now imagine. actual consequences. I can't.

I can't. My tits are too good. Are you in therapy? Yes. Yes. I love therapy. Yeah. It seems to be working.

I just want to go a certain amount of time and prove that I can be like a healthy normal person without snapping. And if I can do that and things and I still feel unloved and not taking care of, then I can be like, I know that I can be saying, no. But you choose people to continually make you feel unloved and not taking care of. Yes, but out of the fire will rise the phoenix. I will come from the cold stronger. Well, Phoenix, your wings have been clipped over and over.

And the phoenix is gone to ash and the glue making the phoenix come out. His scar tissue grows numerous and not gorilla glue and the wings fall. No. The phoenix is turned to an albatross of wings. Which is around your neck and holding you down so that the phoenix cannot rise. No, your scar tissue is stronger. Easy, Anthony Keatis. Yes.

Would you have a questionable past that in the book scar tissue, you should face consequences, Anthony? He's dated children. Oh, dated. Really? Saying dated children. Taking dated children. Taking them out for pizza.

Dude. Dude. But yeah, I think it makes you stronger, I think. It's hard. It's like when it's, dating shoulders. Yeah. Yeah,

makes you stronger. You take them out. They reject you. You got to put them on your shoulders. Yeah. I don't want to be here with you. You're not my mom and you're like, that hurts.

It makes you strong. But yeah, that's my goal. Because it turns out every relationship I've been in good or bad or loving or not loving, I have done the same. When was the last time you were not in a relationship? relationship, like for an elongated period of time? Five years ago.

Before the tall guy. Five years ago. No, before tall guy. Is tall guy the guy? No. How long were you, but how long were you like single with that? Six months. You know what you and I should do?

No. Not anything that you think. Celibacy pact for a year or something? And if we're not married by 36, we'll kill her. We'll kill each other. Okay, that's fine. Um, have you guys ever kissed? Whatever rips me from this mortar coil.

No. That's not true. We've definitely kissed on me. No, no, I mean like, like, oh, wait a minute. Oh, but we've never like tongue kissed. Ew. Don't react that way. I'm a person with feelings.

The mustache. That's what you need. You need a mustache because you date these fresh face fucking losers. I do date a fresh face. Yeah, I know. Anyway, you need. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Like two and a half years.

Do you compare them to every day? Me neither. What was so good about this Magnificent cock? Up there, but did, like, I was dating the guy who spit on me before I met. Did I beat the shit out of him?

No, they never cross paths. I told the ex-boyfriend He should move. I was like, I think that'd be good for you when we were still together. Then we broke up while he was away. Smart. Nice.

Get it. Go. Be gone, peasant. Be gone. Be gone, spitter. But then he, that boyfriend was. just like a pothead loser

video games did nothing. Yeah. Caught me at a rock climb. What's so good about this? He took me to the casino on a first date. He was adventure man. He's a squat. He was squatting in his apartment.

No, he was squatting. Oh, that. Whoa. Like he was just like a badass biking all over. He was like, want to go to the Adirondacks this weekend? I'm going. Okay. No one's ever asked me that.

We lived in the Adirondacks for a summer. You live there. He just took you. Yeah. I said you win. You have it. I want you to have it because I want to be your friends. Damn it.

We can be friends now. At the time, I would have bitten your jugular out. And that's totally fine. I would have let you. Could you imagine bleeding out? Can you imagine bleeding out on a puka shell necklace? No.

I wouldn't let that happen. He's three eleven's playing in the background. Yeah, he was adventure time. He taught me all sorts of stuff. It was like you would almost go in near death experience all the time with him. It was really fun. fun it was just manic and crazy i met him because i as a friend for yeah yeah totally so why didn't it work out um i would say it didn't work out i mean i always take the blame on me but i would say

it was i probably got a little bit too sycophantic like i think i was probably too like we need to keep doing this forever we need to be together forever because when we got together i was kind of like i like you and then there's a couple times where i was like maybe i don't and that i was a little bit hot and hold and then at one point i was like dude now i'm all in and then he was like i'm bailing so he's a little bit of communication so bad of communication there you go crazy why didn't it didn't work out with you communication problems yeah he didn't tell me stuff like what what did you want to know that he was in love with the he was in love with someone else the whole time he had someone else the whole time and i didn't know he was too too time i said i love you and he didn't even

he was doing a joke about love. Like he made a joke about love. And then I was like, dude, I love you. And then he went and visited his ex. What did he say in response? Was he like, I love you too? Or was he like, oh. He did not say I love you too.

I'm playing the death game. We used to say instead of I love you, used to say Reggie. Because we'd feel it so intensely, but we couldn't say it because we'd have to be like, Reggie's here, Reggie's in the room. Oh, that's so beautiful. That's really sweet.

Oh, that hurts. I know. Right? Reggie's here. Yeah, Reggie's here. And then it's like, you love me.

Yeah. Because you know it, but you don't want other people to know it. Yeah, because we'd be like a public. Reggie's here. Oh my God. Also love from him,

because he was such a crazy guy that like, getting love from someone who's like a nut job is so like, wow. Yeah. I must be a real spitfire. Yeah. That you like me. But it turns out there was prom king.

And he was weird guy. He did lots of weird shit. He was hot, too. He's super. hot. There'd be some weird thing where people would be like, yeah, did you see that somebody spray painted at something, something on the roof and I did that. Like he just was everywhere at once. He would put on the craziest like wigs and jumpsuits to like freak, to like scare me or to make me laugh or something or like write a weird song. Does he have kids now? If we were in the dark.

If we were in the dark. It was the best, best of all time. But, and everybody knew he's the best, but he's a little, he's, he's, uh, doesn't. Flawed. Well, he just didn't want to ever be pinned down. You could never have a real conversation with him about anything, which is really frustrating. Nothing could be super meaningful. And he was squirming around. And there was a little bit,

he had a little bit of an infidelity kind of thing going on where you'd be like. Cheated. Hell no. What? Hell no. What was that? The infidelity. I do not stand for that.

Yeah, he had a little infidelity. He didn't do it. He didn't like ever cheat on me, but there was always a little like, where were you at? And he's like, you know what I mean? Where you're like, okay. Okay.

Yeah. Totally. There's always a little bit of that. And there were things where it was like he would be with me and I'd be like, well, you're kind of dating Edy or it'd be like, he'd be with Edy and be like, well,

you're kind of a person. You know what I mean? So wait, go back to the night. What a lucky bastard. You and me? I know. I don't feel that way.

I wish I did feel that way. There's some chums out there who would die for the opportunity. True. Are you kidding me? I never think that way. Jordan. I was so lucky. Oh my God.

Just to have a couple years. No. You are fucking amazing. Thanks. So go back to the, go back to the night. Oh, thanks. Your face. I know.

Our face. I also have a face. You're beautiful too. Beautiful too. You really are. You are. You're kind of jacks. You are.

You're very beautiful man. Kind of jack. Quite handsome man. Quite handsome man you are. I just know you do Your personality is just Sorry Do you respond?

Yes, so the damn thing Go back to the night that you He ran off to get you off your bike Or you with the bike that got stolen And what did you do? Did you leave or you thought you were going to hook up with Right? Did you guys stay at the apartment?

We finished the game and then left Yeah I remember he was like I'm with Jordan and Nell Nellie Were you like Jordan's your ex? Yes, but I'm, no, I'm friends with my exes. Like I understood.

Were you like, I'm gonna get my bike wheels fake stolen? No, bitch. So that he has to go off? You lost my bike. You paid someone to steal the bike. All right, you remember every fucking detail. Because I thought it was made up. I thought she made it up.

No, it was the first time I had a bike stolen. It was like, that was mine. You know, it hurts when you get a bike stolen. But why did he run off? It was like he was going to find your bike. It's so crazy that he wasn't at all. like I'm dating this person. He's such an asshole.

Like he didn't say that to you. No, he was not like, I'm dating this girl. It was like, I was like, who are you running off to? It was psychotic. It's all psychotic. Was he flirting with you and everything? Of course. And you thought you were going to hook up with him?

Of course. Wow. So great. The infidelity thing. Yeah, yeah. He would have. He would, he actually doesn't go, do it. He doesn't do it.

Oh, he'll just go to the edge. He'll go to the edge, which I really, really hate. because that it's so cheap and it just it just makes you feel like a dumb piece of shit because you're like you're make because I don't find out until later that he's seeing somebody right so I'm like why did we get so close and then not do it is it because I'm ugly and stupid and dumb and then you're like

no he is yeah and and there was other stuff there's a million things there's a million things and when I was we were like whatever he's a little infidelitus yeah really it's really painful it's a painful thing God damn, the amount of times I looked you up and I was like, she's, I felt, don't wait about you the whole time. Because it's so nice because

the person he married, right, opposite of me, right? And that hurts worse. It hurts so bad. Opposite how? Just like so shy. So, like, crazy. That's crazy.

You mean that that's what he wants and that's disgusting. Wait, why, why? She was so sweet. She was candy sweet. She was like so gentle. She was so, like, pure. and then and I was so fucking and then for him to be dating Edy and her to be like

I was like yeah let's fucking ride dude like I was pissed but I was also like okay you weren't gonna escape this shit big maybe like um he has escaped it fully and he'll never look back yeah maybe he needed a break he'll have a no he's gonna he'll always long for that I don't think so come on we're fun

she shows him my stand up she goes Jordan's on stand up time and he goes oh that's nice that's how not threatening my existences is that she goes look how funny Jordan is could you imagine yeah but he's a little to nightmare inside he's probably going I'll always love her he is a devil he is you know he has the sweetest family in the entire world really candy sweet the best people I've ever met my life come from little he's like the uh or honeycomb new hampshire guy yeah you know that guy what's a honeycomb guy cereal oh oh honeycombe honeycom he won't honeycomb yeah yeah like a little like yeah yeah

done a lot of drugs. Anyway, so that's how we're connected. An hour later. Brutal. Jesus Christ. Your boyfriend sounds cool. He's awesome. Is he nice?

He's awesome. How long? He's been together? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Yes. How'd you meet? We went to high school together.

What? Yeah, he was a freshman when I was a senior and then we reconnected later. Whoa. It's awesome. Nice. Because he knows so much. Do you live together? We do.

Whoa. Wow. That's cool. Wow. It's crazy. It's cool. I've never been able to pull that off. It's hard, but it's on.

I don't know if I get a... I threw a goldfish out of him. Jesus Christ. In the glass or raw? We had it in a giant cereal bowl because I don't know where we got the goldfish, but they were in the cereal bowl. And we thought we should feed it cereal because this guy we lived with in Chicago fed his snail cereal. Whatever. A goldfish isn't a snail.

I know. And then we got into a fight and I was drunk and I said, take your fish back. And I remember my hand going in and being like, surely I'm not going to grab the fish and being like, oh no. And through it. It was like, and then chasing it and dying and me being sobbing. So I was like, dude, it was so fucked up. It was crazy. It just was, we were so, I was so fucking drunk.

Sorry, sorry. I just went to a different place. I woke up in my truck drunk holding a wrench one time, like the biggest wrench I've ever seen. I was like, where did I get wrench this big? It was so crazy. It was nuts. One time I, he head butted me. He had butted me.

And then, yeah, he headbutted me because I said some guys, calves were nice He's such a dick. And I was, wow. And then he kept crawling up the fuck. We lived in this apartment and I locked him out. And he kept coming up the side, the balcony and sliding off because it was snowy and just crawling up and sliding up.

So I just heard him just like, do that do that. And then I remember calling my dad and be like, what do I do? He's like, let the man in. He's going to die. And I was like, all right, right. Crazy. Holy shite.

I could have a whole special called... I mean, he's in a lot of that one. The Netflix one. Damn, I didn't realize that. Yeah. That's brutal. Does he know? Does he care?

He doesn't care. What was I saying we talked to him? I called him. I called him after one of the big breakups with the guy I'm with now. And I was like, I need you to tell me that I'm just not like a disposable person. And he was like, you're not. I'll call you later. I gotta go.

Yeah. And he was very nice. Very helpful. Really? Really sweet, actually. That makes me happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he doesn't mind, like, do people get mad at you for talking about them in your comedy?

Like your family or him? I don't say his name. Is he going to be mad about this? No. I don't know they go care. We've called him from the pod before. Should I ask him? That's an excuse to call him again.

Fuck. Can we bleep the name? A million times. Oh, he's got to do his job. We'll bleep the name. Leap the name. It's going to be beep, beep, beep, beep. But that's going to be funny.

That episode's going to sound like Morse code. All right, we're bleeping the name. I'm the boss. The name is bleeped. You said the name a million times. I can't hear you. Say we're bleeping the name. I don't know.

Whose name? Bleep it. Bleep it or delete it. That'll fuck him up. Shit. Ask, why don't you ask him if it's, okay that you brought him up we got to bleep it obviously if we're talking he's gonna know yeah yeah but everything you've mentioned is very specific to this guy yeah although yeah we got to bleep the name

you did mention that he was handsome he was a wild guy adventurous sweet amazing that's why I heard an amazing guy kind of like the honeycomb guy but like fun and cool and so if you bleep it people might think you're describing me so if you want that let me let me let me just speaking practically they're going to cross-reference shit and they're going to fucking do a Reddit thing we have to bleep the name they just did that they did that with my the most recent and it was a nightmare so just don't do yeah you can't do anything huh it is annoying it is annoying and jammed i'm really sorry about that but what if they're going to do that anyway no they won't do it they won't they won't without the name why don't we just call the episode oh my god now we have to bleep that also

what if you watch the episode and you do the timestamps so then he can just go i can i can It's easy to do. It's giving you shit. Okay, great. That would make me feel. That would make me feel better if you bleeped it. Because I don't need Reddit. Because he's on Reddit.

For sure. I love to Reddit, I bet. I wish you would say something to me. I wish you would respond to our text. That's making me sick. I should never sent it. No, I think it's cool. I sure was wet in the photo.

My bangs look weird. My bangs looked weird. You said, is it okay? And that is what I noticed. But I wanted to be cool. Cool. We're fucked. We're fucked.

Anyway, so your special game out. Yep. God damn. But yeah, that's okay. Is there any media with a picture of you and that guy? No. For cross-referencing.

No, nowhere, nowhere. Okay. Nothing. Internet sleuths. Nowhere. He wasn't like that. There is I don't think so now

Let's move on Okay Go ahead Do you think Lindsay Graham Really had a heart attack Or do you think Russia killed him? Because there's pictures of him

Blow dart Sniped Let's go Say why would they kill him I see how That's really good That's a good blowdown I thought you were like eating a butthole.

I was like, he died in a horrific butthole accident. Why would they kill him? Well, because there's a picture of him holding a Ukrainian drone at a drone factory. And like a half hour later, Russia attacked that drone factory and it exploded. And then they said that he died of a sudden heart attack in D.C.

But the reality is that factory is like eight hours from an airport and then flying back to D.C. There's no way with the timing. you know, so they're covering it up because if Russia killed Lindsay Grant. Oh, well, for sure, Russia killed him. I know. He must have been taking a tour. That's exactly what he was doing, Jordan.

Yeah. Was he touring? I think he was trying to pick up the pieces of his past. Oh, God. Gonna have to get that bleeped. I didn't mean to say, bleep that. You just said a bad word. You know what my dad's.

name is? What? Really? You know what his dad's name is? What? Shut the fuck off. You know what his mom's name is? Yep.

No. Guess what car they drove, all three of them. Do you know his favorite comic? No, but what I'm saying is true, his parents say were and they would drive, they all drove not fucking lying, dude. How crazy is that? Oh. Oh.

Magic, magic, magic man. Truly special. Truly special. He deserves a skinny hot lady. He does. Oh, you're hooked. Dude. No.

You've got a worm. Was this the guy? Forever. Was this the guy? Remember when you opened for me in Philly and we drove down and we were listening to the misfits and ripping Sigs? Yeah. Was this a guy you were telling me was staying at your house?

Yeah. That was him. Yeah. And I was like, you should just go for it. And you were like, no, but there's Oh, I went for it. I can't. Oh. It didn't work.

No. Because he was in love with the other girl. But I remember you saying that. I remember being like, you're fucking right. Yeah, and then you, that was like your closer. And you're like, because I was like, you're Jordan Jensen. Like you're, you need to fucking tell this guy like, I am woman, hear me roar. Like, you'd be lucky to fucking have someone like me.

Ew. And now a hundred years later you're saying the same thing. That was your, that was your, yeah, here's to growth. That was your closer. And then you're like, you know who said that? Ian Fidance. And then that was like your closer. I remember being like, do you have a problem with me?

What was my closer? You quoted me. And then you're like, you know who told me that? Ian Fidance. And everyone was like, and I was like, I was like. Look at Glenn. Look at Glenn.

Look at Glenn. Oh, my God. He's being a squishy. Wow. Can you touch his belly? But why, how is that a. joke, though. I made it into a joke by being like... I guess, and I was like, am I a fucking joke?

Why did you say that? That's funny that I did that. Cool. Yeah, but you were like, no, it's because I admire you and I was like... I did admire you. That was very impressive that day. It was very impressive. Because I didn't know you were by and then I watched you get everybody on board and you walked on stage and you said, what are we at a Lumineers concert? I was really spot on. You came out by on stage.

She just said bits that like you were just totally on board with him and then and you were like, this is a masculine dude, it rips, puss, right? And then he just was like, also, I'm by. And people had to be like, we're still with you, bro. Oh, my God. What an angel. On stage at the same time as I came out in my personal life. That's beautiful.

Did you? 30, yeah. Yeah, so I was like processing it on stage with jokes as I was like doing it. Did you do gay stuff in high school? Okay, okay. Yes. Yeah. And college.

Bill did gay stuff. Yeah. And after end grade school. I just rented it start. And last night. I guess. And last night. Oh, yeah.

You ever do gay stuff? Yes. I'm gay. Quinn. He does. He's homophobic. He's upset about that gay cruise going to Turkey. You do gay stuff with women?

Oh, yeah. I'm gay. Really? I mean, I like everybody. Wow. I like them all. Me too. Everyone.

Anyone can get it. Wow. If you're cool, you can get it. I am like the statue of liberty. I will take your poor. you're tired, you're trans, your women, your men, the dolls, everyone. Yeah. Come to my island, I accept you.

I feel the same. I am like... Have you tried? Jordan's like it. I go, I do only Irish. 100%. What the fuck. Irish Catholic for my life.

Interesting. From my virginity to now. And you don't see that that's like... I think a Jewish guy might do you right. An NJB. What's an NJB? A nice Jewish boy. Oh, wow.

Yeah, but I feel like I hurt their feelings. Yeah, but some of them like that. Really? Okay. Are you dating an MJB? Yes, I am. He's Jewish? And he takes care of you?

Yeah. Are you dating somebody else two years ago? Is this the same guy? Years ago, I was dating someone else. Okay, so this is the same guy you've been doing? Probably not what you're thinking. I had an ex-boyfriend who was like in the comedy world. world adjacent film.

Oh, and this guy's not that. Not that guy. New guy. Okay. From high school. Oh, crazy. And then how did you, what happened to you met and you were like, you were like, you were like, how'd you re-link after?

He invited me to the show because he knew I like the band, the lemon twigs. You know them? No. Their brothers. Oh, their voices are beautiful. They're amazing. What kind of music? What?

They sound like the beach boys. Like, and that's what they're going for, 70s, like, voices of angels. Nice. Classic rock. Yeah. Yes. Wow, you sound. God damn, dude.

You like that? That's cool. Thanks. I see. That's the beach voice. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it? You scream.

Ice cream. Right? Yeah. There we go. Boom. Da hemop. Bap. He does that.

He does stuff like that. Oh, Ian does stuff like that. Yeah. Beep. Bop. Deep pop. Dipp. Doep.

Just some chili peppers. Are you wondering about Ian? Well, he does stuff that sounds a little bit like this. So what happened? How did you reconnect? He invited me to this show, and we went with his roommate. And then there were vibes on the floor, man. We were like, our shoulders were touching a little.

And he's just, like, very comfortable in himself. And he was, like, singing the songs, like, looking at me, singing the songs. I was like, it made me shy how, like, comfortable he was. And I was like, I think I was crush on him. And look at you now. You hit him. I know. And now I hit him. How old is he?

He's 31. And you're 34. Just an older lady beating up a chance. I know. I know. You don't hit him, you jog. You go, fuck up. Yeah.

But it's upsetting to him because it comes from like, oh, I'm angry. So I'm like coming for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that isn't good is what I've learned. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And it's out of my control. Is it okay if I hit you in not a bad way?

No, absolutely not. Every time you pretend it's real hit. Okay. Can you hold up a pillow and I will pretend? He let it on fire. Okay. I think a good thing to do is. No, no, no.

I think here, here, hold this. I think a hit of like stop. Like something like that's like playful. And stop. Like isn't like isn't. I'm so, man, like that. No. But it's.

You're like, it's like, you have to go towards the wall. That's what I do. Hit the wall. I've done that. Or, or learn how to process emotions. I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. What is the thing that you're holding on to that you can't let go because of the,

because of rage? What is the thing that is in there? They are stuck on. I don't know. What is the thing that fuels your rage to make you feel that way? Like not getting attention, not being paid attention to, not. feeling wanted. Yeah, same, same.

And I can really. But give an example of like, is if you're hanging out together and you're just watching TV and he's not like talking to you or like what makes, what's the not feeling wanted or not attention that drives you to that day? If we don't have sex for a while, I'm like, it's not even in my brain physically. I'm like,

I'm so rejected. Yeah, the same thing. Like, yeah. You hate me, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. That makes us horny. We like that.

that when our partners do that. Well, yes. That has really bothered me. Well, it's hard when you live with someone to maintain that and not just become like roommates. Like you you have to like not just have time together on the couch or like whatever. Like you have to actually go out and do like date night and like activity things instead of just like, well, this is quality time. We're sitting watching something because then it's like true roommate vibes and not like I. still fucking love you and like want you, babe.

He's, my boyfriend also isn't like, he's like, uh, I'm horny. Want to have sex? Mm-hmm. Like, there's no like slow. For play. Like, I need like, I want a romance. I want moments. Yeah.

Constantly. Like he, the other day we were walking down the street and I like tried to stop him to kiss. And he's like, dude. Like, we're walking to the car. Not every second. And he was valid in this. Because I'm trying to have a moment.

This is what I'm saying all the time. I'm like, can we just have one moment? But what if his moment is like coming into the room with a heart on in a towel? He goes, look at this towel rack. That is his moment. You want to fuck? It is. Different love languages.

That's exactly what it is. And that's okay. But I have, we just did this the slingshot thing at Coney Island. The ball. Oh, that's so fun. It was amazing. But I bought the video. And in the video.

I'm talking the entire time. The entire time. I'm like, oh my God, it's amazing. Oh, my God. Babe. And then I'm literally like, look at me. Look at me. And it's in the video.

I'm trying to have a moment there because in my head, I'm like, we're in the sky. Like, you should be looking at me right now. Oh, my God. The man is being literally slingshot through space and time. You're like, look at me. And he goes like, oh my God. I am the exact, I am the same way. Meanwhile, you have a Bay Ridge Carney

strapping you into this sphere for you to get rocketed in the sky and he's like, look at me and he could just see the seatbelt coming off because the guy was nodding out on fentanyl putting it on. He's like, look at me. He's like, I'm almost going to die. I'm almost going to die. Oh my God.

You guys are. Honestly, no, I let you guys are insufferable. It's cool. And it'll come up. Like, I don't know why I'm angry. Like, it comes up on me. Yeah. So all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, like, he'll tell me we're driving up state early because

he wants to watch a game at a bar. And I'm like, oh, you didn't tell me we were going up state early. Or you didn't tell me you wanted to watch a game during our long time. Yeah. And he's like, well, I'm telling you right now. You know? And then my brain, I'm so good at, like, finding things to get mad at it. him about. Like I want to be mad.

Yeah. Truthfully, I think when you want that, what you actually want is just to be close and to be paid attention to. But instead I'm like of course. And then I have to like take 15 minutes alone and be like okay. Because what happens

is if we get angry then there's a big schism and then if there's a schism between two people you have to heal that schism. And what feels better than to reconcile because it means we have to have a moment. Literally. And you have to go, hey, I love you. I didn't mean that.

And they go, it's okay. And you go, make up sex. And they go, yeah. And you go, I got what I wanted the whole time. Idiot. It feels good. It's so fucked up. It's really fucked up.

But recently I've been able, like I felt it coming on. Like I'm just like trying to be mad. And then I go, I'm like, I'm going to go take a shower. And then I try to breathe. And then I'll even say to him, I'm feeling a little bit crazy right now. Yeah. Yeah. Can we maybe talk about it?

Yeah. And that helps. It's, I'm trying. I'm trying. I have to do headphones, noise canceling, knocked loose.

And then I come way down where it's just like, uh, and then my face is going, and then I take it off and I'm okay. But I have to do, I have to have like a full violent experience or else I just keep it going.

Yeah, because the feeling is like, I gotta get it. That's why sex helps so much. Completely. To just get it plowed out of you. Yeah, totally. And you're touching.

You're connecting. I'm like, that's connecting. And the way to go about getting it. it that's like healthy. I know, but when you're, Shut up, Ian. What is it, though?

Were you paid attention to as a kid? No, completely neglected and kicked around a bit. Were you, did they say I love you? I love you so much. Oh, no. Only if I was peak. Oh, not too much at all. They were like, you're in the way, get away, get away, get away, get away, get away, get away, get away.

Lots of snakes. Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away, get away. That's why I get super turned on if people are like, get away from me. when they're like, please get away from me seriously, I'm fucking amped up. And if they're like, no, I want to have sex with you, I'm like, Ew, ew, ew! Yeah.

Shit. Yeah. Do you think that that is something that you'll just have to find someone to deal with, or is that something that you want to work on to get rid of to then get to like a next level? So it's not like that. I would like to, when I'm getting turned on by somebody being dismissive of me, I would like to not give in to that. Because I do think that that...

Do you mind me? I don't mean to interrupt. Can you repeat that? So when somebody... When I'm with somebody and they're like, get away from me and I get super amped up, I don't want to give into that. I do, however, will say in sex, would you mind being like, get the fuck away from me? And they'll be like, 100%.

Get the fuck away from me. And I'm like, let's ride. But in real life, when they're literally being like, get the fuck away from me and I'm like, no. That I don't want to do. But I don't mind role playing where they're like, get off. Get off. No.

Because that's... Yeah. That's my favorite thing. It's, but you have to because I'm your child, daddy. I mean, you know what I mean? See, I like my boyfriend talk about other girls. That's the only thing that gets me there. But you really hate infidelity.

So what's out of it? Well, my boyfriend, we're not. I hate the term open. It makes me sick. I don't want to be a part of that community. But we do. What do you mean? We're all cool.

We're open. I don't like it. We have an understanding. We talk about everything. You know, so he wants to do something. Wow. That is super healthy.

Like, talking about everything good and bad. Like, I'm feeling this way. And knowing at the base, like, even though I'm saying it, doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

Doesn't mean I want it. I'm saying it because I love you enough that we're aware and we can talk through it. And he's trying, he wants to hook up with someone. And I'm like, Like, okay. So do you have to meet the person or? No.

What's annoying is the times that it's sort of come up have been like when we're at a party together. And I'm like, can you go to a party? Go to a party alone and meet someone. Not like he was talking to this crazy girl. She was kind of fucked up. And I was like, she's perfect because she was crazy. The first thing she said when I came over, she was like, are you his sister?

What? No. Bitch. But then she kept like, she was really, she was doing drugs in front of us. So like I knew she was fucked up, but I would come over and she would go like, to me.

But this to me, I'm like, she's not normal. Like, I don't care if you go with her because she's out of her mind. Did he? He tried, but she, he went too hard. Like, he messaged her and was like, I'm in an open thing, wondering if you want to go out with me,

which I was like, just like some stories to start. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing, setting a paragraph? Wait, why do you want him to go have sex with somebody? You don't have the jealousy thing? You're not going to go sicko mode? What about what about what about the sad? It doesn't bother me.

It really doesn't. I really trust this relationship. Oh, okay, okay. If he hurt me, I would be shocked. And it would really, it would ruin me for the rest of time, I think. I gotcha, I gotcha. You trust so much. I really believe it.

And he tells, like, I could see this was happening with this girl. Then she comes over later, arm in arm with. him i literally was like i'm gonna go talk to someone over there and was he like they're having a thing hey why don't i get you an uber home because i'm gonna fuck this girl tonight i'll tell you about it later or like how did this play out no no it didn't happen for him i was like do you like her and he was like i kind of think she's perfect because she's kind of fucking crazy and i was like i think so too and he was gonna ask her there like so why didn't you seal the deal that night i think because it was one of the first times like it's still new for us oh you know so like so you're still

finding the boundaries and how it works. No, I don't really care to, but I'll sext people. I sexed people who will reply to me. Oh my God. Whoa. Who what? Reply. Tell everyone out there where to follow you online.

They know. They know. So did he want to do this so you guys opened it up? Yeah, who wanted this? I don't know. Well, there's some stuff I can't say. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. There's some stuff I can't say, but... Here, take a second. It was mutual.

Yeah, how can I... Should I think for a second? Yeah, how do you... Yeah. How can you say... How can you tell us the truth? I can't. I can't.

It was mutual. It was mutual, I guess. But then I, honestly, this guy started... I started sexting with this guy who talks to me on Instagram, and it was amazing. He lives far away. Perfect. All I need is that, like, someone who's so into me. sexing me all day long.

Like a little bit of attention. All I need is somebody's full day. That's crazy. Literally jerking off all day. All I need is a picture every 45 minutes. I'm not even coming from it. I'm just being like. But you've got to be careful.

But this guy's perfect. But they'll find you. That's okay. I want him to find me. Okay. This guy, we have an understanding. It's perfect. And it kind of died, honestly.

It was like two weeks of like, no. Intense, whatever. And then it goes away. And then it dies. And that also. kind of gave me like a like even if my boyfriend was like into something really hot like it's not going to last forever yeah and that's kind of cool in a way because then you have each other to go back to it's like okay i'm gonna it's like a dog on a um little shock collar in the yard it's like okay

go in the yard and play but getting past that shock is not worth it for anyone so just play in the yard i know you're going to come back inside exactly And then you guys are together knowing this truth. And then that way you can have your little edging and then come back to each other in a way that you're not looking at it. It's like you're cheating or you're going to read me because you both know. Well, literally I'm in the car. Communication honesty. Are you showing him?

Like look what he's saying. He's not interested. Right. Like I've tried. I was in the car. I was silent for like 10 minutes and he was like, who are you texting? And I was like, no one. And he's like, you're texting the guy right now?

And I was like, yeah, one sec. And he doesn't care of laughing. Wait, are you sending nudes or anything? Yeah. Whoa. You don't care. He don't care. He does not care.

It's crazy. I would lose. I would burn the house. But what if you had such a connection and communication and honesty, like rigorous honesty, all thorns and roses, flaws and all. And you knew and you trusted. Would that be different? It's not about,

it's not about honesty. Honesty is not the thing. I have honesty. It's about if I, I was with, like, when I've been with people who are like, I'm fucking in love with you. I'm obsessed with you. I want to marry you.

You're my everything. I've been like, please go fuck somebody. That's how I feel about Glenn. Like, like if I, if I know that they are so all in, then they can fuck somebody.

Right. So what, what would happen if a guy was like, I fucking love you, you're my fucking person. I'd be like, maybe let's fuck some people. Yeah,

so why don't you try that? No. But when somebody wants to like truly love you, you don't want that. Because I would also be humiliated by it. I would also be humiliated by, this is so vain, but about that girl being like, I fuck Jordan's boyfriend. And then having that over me in their silent world and just,

see, I feel kind of like I'm on top of, I'm even above her. What if you did a thing? I know, bitch. Oh, that's nice. That is nice. What if, what if, what if, what if, yeah, that's nice. I know bitch is great. Have him.

Have him. Have him. What if you could be like, you can. Take a ride. You can be pretty good, right? It's a good ride. You can block, but you can't uneat my ass. What?

Right? Yeah. Like, like, like, say, say you have a head injury and then you and I end up together. And then I, before I go out to, like, hook up with some girl that I'm like, she means nothing. Like, you're my gal. I eat your ass and then go out with her. And then you know that she made out with me after. I eat your ass.

It's like that's what I have up on her. That's awesome. That's beautiful. Yeah. You speak her. Yeah. He speaks you. It's beautiful. Can't wait till you got that head injury.

I do also think that this happened for me because I'm already into being cucked. Like just in the bedroom. Yeah. Yeah. And I think when my boyfriend and I were talking about that stuff when we would have sex, he was kind of like, it's not real. So I can't really get into it. to it.

So wait. But then once. Oh. Cucked? Not actually, but I'm interested. I'm easing it because it's a fan. Wait, him and a girl watching him and a girl. And you're like.

I don't even want to watch. You just want him to be in the room like ironing your shirt. You want to come back and be like. I want to be in the other room and hear it. And I'm just sitting there. You want him to be like, Edy, shut the fuck up while I go fuck this girl. Sit down and stay quiet. No, shut the fuck up.

No, shut the fuck up. Oh, God. Okay, okay, okay. Wait, I'm just trying things out. We're trying things out. He doesn't have to be mean. What I don't mean? I would need this.

Jordan, nobody fucking likes you. You're an ugly pig. You sit in the corner and I'm going to fuck this hot bitch and I'd be like, yeah. But you're like this. You're my queen. You're the goddess. You're everything.

No, not even that. I don't want to hear any. I don't want to be involved. Okay. You want this. I like watching this thing jerk off to other girls. I love jerking off. I love the joke.

That's what I like. That's my favorite thing on planet Earth. You would want him. What if he brought a girl home? Would you want to meet her or would you be in the shower when she comes over? I don't need to meet her. I don't need to meet her. I'm in the shower.

What is that? There. I'm out of town. You said you want to be hearing it in the other room. Leave me one time. Yeah, exactly. What's the underlying feeling? Like, I want my guy to be wanted.

I know. I like watching someone get what they want, like exactly what they want, but not me. I don't want to be included. If I'm talking, like, if they're like, it's you who I'm. I want. I'm kind of like, nah. I want to just watch them get. Did you get addicted to porn for a while?

Oh, yes. Where's this from? That might be a porn addiction. No. No. No. No. Why?

Are you porn brained? Are you porn brained? Are you a gooning porn brain freak? You're basically being like, I want my boyfriend to perform in porn. Like I want him to go get a woman and fucking come the way he wants, but I want to watch it, which is porn. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But amateur, at least. Yeah. Good porn. Yeah. Film it on like a VHS. So. But even just jerking off is fine.

Yeah. I like watching people jerk off. Don't say that too. Sorry. Well. Sorry. Are you going anywhere after this? Um, wait.

So, okay. So what if, what if, okay. Do you like sex having it? Yes. Okay. I like. I like it Okay

But you don't love it I do it Okay You do it I'm jerking off And that's fuck Oh you're doing jerking off Oh and I can only

I can only come from jerking off So you're me I think you might be really How much porn did you off? I can really only It's really really difficult So I really Do it yourself too

I really like mutual masturbation It's the best thing ever I love like making out And getting each other off That's like my fake. Because sex in a way is like, I've been lately being like, I can't share myself in that way.

I'm sorry, but if we can both get each other off, like that'd be amazing. But that is sex. It's so annoying. Sex is not always. Oh, did we just have an admitting? Um,

let the record state. We walked in into a trap that I set years ago. And I planted Eady here today. Ian, finance just didn't. admitted that mutual masturbation is in fact sex. This is the years in the making. I was trying to tell I was celibate before.

Let's go. Let's fucking go. Wow. The jury is in. Wow. That's fair. Okay. I feel I'm on top of the world.

And guess what? This boy, I have been celibate. I have gone through a celibacy. We've both done SLA. I've said, I am celibate. He says, me too. I say sex and love addicts anonymous. And he has been like, I am celibate.

But me and this person are just jerking off in front of each other. said that is sex and he says that's not sex. We have had debates with other comedians and I just got to admit it here tonight. And there's no taking it back in his on camera. Okay. Let's go. It is. And people grow.

People change. People evolve. I was wrong. Wow. And that's beautiful. And that does not warrant any bad things. You admitted you're wrong and that means you're good. Thank you.

On the internet when you say you're wrong and everybody attacks you for it, even though you admitted it, that's not happening here today, buddy. Thank you. But I was right. You are valuable and worthy of love. Yes. And a guy that. Thanks.

I don't even know how to handle this. But I, you're valuable of love, you're lovable, you're wonderful. And you need. I didn't want this to happen when I said that I accepted your being wrong. I definitely didn't want compliment circle. That makes me feel very uncomfortable. Oh, my God. All right, you fucking piece of shit.

You're gross. You're a pig. You can't get a guy who's obsessed as that. I can't understand. Oink. Nice. That's better. Speak up,

Peggy. You fucking gross bitch. But I've done that. I've dated this. Can you be favor of shut your whore mouth? Please. Oh, she's smiling.

Can you shut your mouth and park those teeth back at that garage? Thank you. Damn. Damn. Oh, my. Oh, good. Tab. Oh, God.

Damn. Well, I'll be. But yeah, I don't like any of that stuff. I don't like the mushy, nice stuff. Yeah. Makes me feel unsafe. I feel like you'd like it deep down. Do you guys have a vape in this house?

Sins. We should rip a cigarette and then close the episode. We can't rip a cigarette in here, but we can go outside. I... Because it would close. We're well over an hour. Just so you know. Oh, yeah.

All right, yeah. Let's wrap it on and go with a cigarette. Do we have anything else to say? This is great. I'm a gooner. We just talked in circles for an hour. That's awesome that you're a gooner. Thank you, Gounette.

Yeah, congrats. It's crazy. You're a guinea. You did a lot of experimenting with girls when you were in elementary school. Yes, you did. All my whole life. Oh, we would have had so much fun. I know.

I know. It tended to be lions who go down on each other. That's awesome. That's crazy that we do get along. I know. Look at that. I knew. The podcast, bringing people together.

Where... I do you think you have a porn addiction, you need to face that, probably. Pretty substantially. Okay. I have like a weird anti-porn addiction. When I watch porn, I get immediately sick. So what do you watch?

You just do thought? Home videos. You don't jerk off? Maybe once a month. In a shower? In the shower. I can't do it standing. Oh, I got to be face down.

Oh, really? Like a whale. It sucks. It sucks. It made me, I lied about coming for so long. Like Natalie Portman in a black swan. Does she do it in that? Yeah.

Face down. Yeah. Like Natalie Portman in black swan. Like someone that got in a bicycle accident? I'm contextualizing it better than a whale. It went over to the handlebars. Oh, we're indents in my head. Missing one shoe.

No, I really don't do it. I'm quite weird about it. That is bizarre. I bully myself too hard. I bully myself too hard. I'm like, look at you jerking off, you fucking lonely ass. dumb fucking fat ugly bitch you see and I'm like

but that's the only way you can come I mean I mean I do it for no reason though like it's I'm bored I do it when I need something to do and I use it as a way to dissociate or like distract myself so I'm working on not doing that or when you're writing take a little break go in the shower there's too many

so many negative things come up when I do it it's all bullying you fucking look at your fucking stupid claw I want to date you because I want to be a show you love and like masturbate you and you don't masturbate me and make you feel good no I want to make you feel good girl

good nice stuff it's nice yeah this stupid whore doesn't deserve that yeah oh now she's smiling I gotta say this episode was so fun and I've been feeling a certain type of way about myself and everything but hearing both you train wrecks talk has really made me feel so much better

about things so this was great good I'm excited I'm excited. This is fantastic. Did he respond? Dude, what the fuck? Can I see the picture? I need to see it again.

Real quick, tell the people out there in TV land where they can find you. Oh, you're very cute. And yeah, that is a really cute picture, guys. You're zooming. You're giving it a hard zoom. No, they're adorable. Well, you're the way you cut them. Go on Veech.

Shut up, bitch. Veep.com. You can find my stand-out special. You took a scissors to your own head. No, my friend did it, but I did trim them before he gave me out. Go on beeps.com and you can pay on beeps.com or it's on on YouTube in September. I just want people to watch it. And where can people find you on Instagram?

At duty hole. She has duty hole. I remember reading duty hole and that was your, I remember finding duty hole. I'm sure that hurts because it's funny. It's so funny and it hurts so much. Incredible. Jordan Punchup.

Dot live slash Jordan Jensen big old, big old, big old fall tour, summer tour, fall fall tour, big a lot of dates.

A lot of dates. Ianfinance.com, fear and self-loathing tour going until January. Awesome. That's good. And, I'm going to be in your town.

Get tickets. It's eifidance.com. I'm going all over and and, uh, I'm fucking gay. Ian do an odd guy, doing an odd job.

YouTube.com slash EF Finance Comedy, new episodes with YMH every other Tuesday. Patreon.com. slash beanie and pod. Five bucks a month gets your early access, bonus episodes. And we'll see you next time. This is so fun. Thank you guys for tuning. Bonus episode is every single week we put out a fucking bonus episode.

Yes, bonus episode every week. It's not just random bonuses. Yeah. Just you guys know. $5 you get a full ass episode that nobody sees. Yeah. That's pretty good. $10 ad free.

Yeah. So say $5. you get a bonus episode every week. Don't just say bonus episodes. Because that makes it sound like we're flinging them out willy-nilly when we have to sit our asses here and record it and things and tell our secrets. Thanks, guys. Bye.

Great. See you next week.