Bein' Ian With Jordan - Ep139: Soggy Biscuits W/ Rich Aronovich , Jake Velazquez, and John Kennedy | Bein' Ian With Jordan

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and try your first month of BlueChew for free. Use promo code SKA at https://www.bluechew.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Rich Aronovich : https://www.instagram.com/richisfunny/ Watch The Artist | Full Comedy Special here : https://punchup.live/richisfunny Follow Jake Velazquez : https://www.instagram.com/jakevcomedy/ See Jake Live : https://jakevelazquez.us6.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=6bb3aff251346744d642aaa98&id=a012260997 Follow John Kennedy : https://www.instagram.com/johnhenrykennedy/ See more Jake here: https://linktr.ee/Johnhenrykennedy Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan I'm sorry. Okay. How are you so good at that? Today, me and Ian have on Jake Bellanghese and John Kennedy.

Hello. Ian? Yes? I really want to say today you look especially beautiful. Thank you so much. You're welcome. And you do too. You're my best friend.

You're mine. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. Ian? Yes? I really wanna say today you look especially beautiful. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

And you do too. You're my best friend. You're my best friend. Can I live here all the time? You may. Would you like that? I do, actually I really like this apartment. This is the way the magic. This is your apartment.

I love my apartment. You live here. I don't pay very much here, do I? Listen. Yes. Have you been having any uh delinquent, what's it called when you have sex with bad people? Deviant sex? Yeah a lot. A lot. Yeah a lot. There's a lot of walls and holes and I don't know what's on the other side. Yeah. I'd imagine would be the answer. But you're given and they're taking it. I'm given and taken and taken

and given because I'm a giver and taker. That's good. Yep. I like that about you. No questions asked, no release signed. It's all good. We need to have you smoke a cigarette. Done. I haven't smoked a cigarette. You can't have one. How about this? I just play harmonica. I won't want a cigarette. No, you're wow. You're good at holding air instruments. This guy's the last airbender. This guy's the last airbender. I agree. Wow. Big reveal, it's not Ian, it's Rich Yvonnevin.

And I'm not Tom Segura. Damn. I'm leaving. It was from a Segura and Ian. Rich, you have a new special out. I do. It's, uh, when is this airing, by the way? Is this live? Who cares? Well, it might be on YouTube or it might be at richisfunny.com. It's when is this airing, by the way? Who cares? Well, I might be on YouTube or it might be at Richest Funny Dotcom.

It's called The Artist. All right. Well, it will probably get it out. You might know Rich from his little dance and videos. He dance rounds and he dances around in tights. I think that's how we met before we met. No. Oh, yeah. You like the dance and you're like, this freak is my style. Yeah, I did. And they call me they call me Ian Light. Ian Light, diet, diet, Ian. Yeah like the dance and you're like, this freak is my style. Yeah. I didn't like they call me.

They call me Ian Light. Ian Light. Dianne. Dianne. Yeah. Ian Stavilla. Yeah. Yeah. He wishes he could dance like you. I think he can. No, he's got bad backs. Oh, he had a cane at some point. He had a cane at some point.

Car accident. I think it's not what CEO. It was pre car accident. That car accident. He pulled the cane back out to milk it. Oh, I thought the car accident got him back in line. I thought he had cocaine. That was years ago. He had the cane. Oh, you see what I did there?

That was good. I and you. He got hit by a car? How was the car? Is the car okay? Oh, on the bike. Is the car okay? Is the car fine?

He got hit in the bike and he slipped a disc. You know, John Sorno says, slip discs aren't even real. It's all in your head. I read that. Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. That's what Greg Rogel was pushing. Greg Rogel loves it. He is like he is in he's like, it's about stress. It's about stress. And the amount that he was telling me was giving me stress. Yeah. Made your disc fall.

I was like, my disc fell out of place. Yeah. You got to read it. It's all in your mind. Have you read it? I read it. Yeah. Yeah. Did it help? Uh, well, no. I mean, it's the whole thing is like, it's just like a psychosomatic. If you were oppressed, shit, it like comes out in physical pain. But couldn't you also have physical pain? I mean, you could just have physical pain too.

Yeah. You're wrong. So I don't know. Yeah, I've. Same with the Alan Carr quitting. It's the same thing. Break your arm. I think I'm just sad.

I'm up to my eyeballs at work. Sometimes John will just lock up on podcasts. This has happened before where you just freeze up. Well, no, what happens is I just know that if I try to join the convo, it just, no, there's already a full on convo guy. You have PTSD from Lucas and Jamie. You are just as worthy. I don't have PTSD.

You got PTSD. Ow, my back. PTSD from Lucas and Jamie. You are, you are just as worthy. You got PTSD. Ow, my back. My sciatica is acting up in my mind. Oh, that just reminded me about this girl in the audience last night that said she had PTSD. And I was like, AKA complex PTSD, AKA borderline, but you don't want to tell anybody.

And some people didn't know what I was saying. But if you're being borderline BPD. BPD, you never want to say you have BPD. So you say you have complex PTSD because it's very similar diagnosis. But don't people with BPD don't know they have BPD? You know me. Oh wait that's a different song. But isn't that true? Isn't people with borderline personality disorder they can't die? They can't, isn't that part of the whole thing? They just don't want to have it.

But they don't know they have it. And they describe themselves and their resentments with other people. Yes. Right? Like you have really big hair. No, I know. Your hair's a mess. Yeah, it wouldn't be a mess if you didn't come in here all of a sudden. Yeah, a sudden. Oh, I better Google.

No, BPD. I have friends who are like, I have BPD and I'm in treatment for it. Well, they're on too much TikTok. They would not know that. That's like everyone has to have like a disorder. Like, you know what I mean? Like I'm I want to like be part of the whole thing. So I'm like, I'm non non-binary. Like, what does that mean? But I have a thing now. I'm going to label. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean?

So that's yeah. And then I have I think I have ADHD. That's I do think I have, I think I have ADHD. That's, I do think I have ADHD. You think? Yeah. Which I'm reading, the more I'm reading about it, AKA listening to, the, cause I don't have the attention span to read it.

I have to listen to it while I walk places, but I'm realizing a lot of the stuff I go, oh yeah, that's me. Oh yeah, that's me. That check, check, check. You know what is my biggest ADHD thing is if I get like lately I've been eating what I realize now is baby food. I, I blend sweet potatoes and carrots, cooked sweet potatoes and carrots and eat it. It is baby food.

It's literally what I feed to my year. Yeah. And I get addicted to one thing and I eat it constantly. That's ADHD. Or any disorder. No, no, because ADHD, your life is so chaotic that you're like, just give me my potato. Right. And it like you need it. And the idea of like putting like my Sid will be like, do this, cook this. And I'm like, I immediately start panicking and I'm like, sweet potato blender, eat it, spoon, fuel.

Why do I like going to the grocery store so much with what, like with my kid? Does he get excited about everything? Does he go in the cart? Oh, no, no, no. I put I have him in the in the stroller and I this is the one in a stroller as the cart. Yes, I use the strollers. So underneath, I was like, boom, shug.

And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. And he like points stuff he wants. And then he wants it immediately. So like, I'll give it to him and then I'll pay for it or not. That's none of your business. I do that with Coyote. She'll be like, give me that too. And I'll give it to him and then I'll pay for it or not. That's none of your business. I do that with Coyote. She'll be like, give me that too. And I'll give it to him at that at that head shop we went to where I was like, pick out a toy.

And then she tore apart the bong one. And I was like, you can't have bong. You're going to have a you're going to be a drug addict. And they're like, your dog just ate half this toy. And I was like, why should not take it a bong? It's contaminated. That was a story that me and me and Jake went into. And I like touched the the Ouija board.

And then I was like, Jake, can you also touch this? And he was like, and he touched it. And then I was just touching all the things, things that had positive energy instead. And I look and Jake is just also touching things. And then at the same time, we both go, all of this feels bad. And we just both go over to the backpacks and we're like, well, you you're recommending the skills like skull heads. I'm like, this is all scared. Everything is good. But we didn't acknowledge that we were doing some weird OCD shit and you're like, oh, this is scary.

You were like, this is scary. We have to touch something not scary. And it was just scary. I didn't say that though. That's the thing is I touched the Ouija board. I heard it. No way. I said, you touched the Ouija board, you touched it. And then we both went, hmm. Yeah. Dude, telepathy tapes, crazy. You know about this? Non-verbal. Autistic people could like read hmm. Telepathy tapes. Yeah. Dude, telepathy tapes, crazy. You know about this? Non-verbal. Autistic people could like read minds. They're just Dr. X.

They're like Professor X. Dude, I know we're late on the game on this podcast, or as you piece of shit, but basically what happens is their moms are like, I'm like thinking a word and they'll be like, auto mechanic. And they'll be like, what the fuck? And they're like, I'm pretty sure my kid can read my mind.

And then all, there was this giant community of mothers who felt this way and then teachers. And then this woman started studying it and found out that they like doing blind tests where they're like far away and they're like, what word is she thinking of? And they're like on a monopoeia. My four year old, a hundred percent can read minds, but he doesn't have nonverbal anything.

How? Like I haven't cooked him? I cooked for him and I cooked him steak, which he calls a steak. That's awesome. Yeah, he's like, and I'm like, that's what I call you. So he runs up to me and he goes. You're going to get Jake a lot. He's really into danger field shit. Oh, I tell you, that's what I call him.

So far, so close. Oh. That's good. Hey, you know Sarnagog? I'm gonna stay and I'm gonna go, I tell ya. So, so, I like you,

I like Carney. He takes longs on shit. He'll be at it all the time. I love, his best line is, I don't like cocaine. I like the way it smells. So, um, So, yeah, he runs out of school and he goes, Daddy, you cooked me a steak. And I'm like, how does this, how did he know? And he does this stuff. He smelled it!

No, it's in his school, it's at the house! Yeah, but you probably have the smell on you. I don't know about that. You have it on you now. Do I smell it now? Do I smell like steak? Well, no. That's because you didn't make steak. That's because I didn't cook it.

I was testing you. You passed the test. Oh, come sniff. What's it smell like? Judaism or Judaism? Oh, I tell you. Judaism or Judaism? One of these times, one of these times Jake isn't going to laugh.

One of these times Jake's going to be like, huh, and it's just going to break you. It's going to be like, oh, I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I'm going to break you. I know who he is, but Johnny Puzzle. The Joe Farr one. That's Joe Farr. One of these times, one of these times Jake isn't gonna laugh. One of these times Jake's gonna be like,

and he's just gonna break you. And she'll be like, Oh, I'm already broken, dude. I walked in here way broken. Do you guys tour together? Yeah, I'm her opener. I can tell. He comes sometimes, but he's with him all the time.

I go sometimes. You go sometimes. Oh, that's great. It's good to have people you like. I mean, you have to. Are you really the same? We're going to. I'm going to put some headline of my first headline gigs.

Please follow me. Yeah, go to his gigs. Where are you headlining? So can I open for you? I mean, I've really struck out a lot. So so far, I only have like a few on the books. Oh, don't it's going to get it's so much. Yes So much the favorite. The best part of this business is emailing people and then them not emailing you back. But I'm very like I decided I wanted to do like one good gig a month and it's

so far it's worked out. That's great. Yeah like a cut like boom boom boom boom. Yeah it's been it's been but it's when you want to work the road and it's like very hard if you can't like scratch that itch. It's yeah, it's tough. It's also the biggest like thing that breaks me is when people will be like, they offer it to me. Oh, I reach out and they don't respond. I'm like, I only reach out because you told me. Yeah. Hey, we'd love to have you like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, what was the point of saying that? It's just so much like dating. It's so much like it's so crazy. It hurts more. A lot of people. It's me. I'm seeing other comics.

We could still be friends. A lot of people like making people feel good in the moment and then not like just say something, get a smile out of them and then be like, all right. Well, hey, that was a really great point. That was a really it's true. I'm convinced as soon as I leave, they're like, fuck that. It's true. Yeah. No as soon as I leave, they're like, fuck that. It's true. But that point was really great.

I can't tell that point. I mean, I really we're not dogging John. Well, I was making him feel good. Look, nothing dogs me. All right. In this basement, nothing hurts. I don't because I feel like when I I know I get to leave this basement at some point. And that's a good feeling. And the idea that Ian doesn't.

Yeah, yeah, brutal. Yeah, I know that I don't have to live here. When Ethan lived down here, truly, I would walk around with a cloud. The day he was like, I'm moving out. I was like, summertime. You know, what's the song I'm thinking? The tulip song. What's the tulips?

Yes, yes, yes. No, the SpongeBob tulip one. No, no. Tulips. Living in the sunlight, living in the moonlight. Wonderful talk, yes. That's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. That's not the Tulip one. Tiny Tim has the Tulip song, but that's the-

Love Tiny Tim. Living in the sunshine, Tiny Tim also has tip-tone Tulip. Yeah, tip-toe. That's what Ian's doing somewhere. Yeah. Did you just zen? We zen, we be zen-ing. You be zen-ing?

Nice. I snoozed. When I quit smoking, I snoozed. Yeah, I love snoozing. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, That's what Ian's doing somewhere. Yeah. Did you just zin? We zin. We be zinning. You be zinning? Nice. I snoozed when I quit smoking.

I snoozed. Yeah, I love snus. Are they still around? I think so. But I think zin's really taking a bite out of the market. Oh yeah, zin is spitless tobacco, right? It's just nicotine powder. I was ahead of the game on everybody because I was doing construction jobs.

I got a vape that was the add the oil before anybody was vaping. I did the snus before anybody was fricking Zen in. You called snus? You called snooze? Maybe I'm wrong. I said snus. Snus and snooze. Snus and snooze. Tomato tamu. Tomato tamu. Yeah, because you had to get through nine hour days

where you're like painting a house or something and you'd have to be inside. So I would just be like, yeah, and I'm seeing at the cellars hard work Yeah, they love when people like say it's hard work and then you're doing construction for nine hours You're like, you know what hard no yours is hard. No, I would not it is it is hard What do you mean? Sometimes I see you go up and you're in such a bad mood and you have to be like Me in a bad mood. Yeah With your little helmet on all pissed off. And I just really wish he didn't say that.

I'm like, take the helmet off and then complain to me. I did say I was sensitive and it's true. I don't know how to work on that though. You're sensitive. You're Jewish. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

I think that's part of my ADHD non-binary. Being Jewish. Being Jewish. No, being sensitive. I think, cause I grew up where, I grew up feeling like a square peg in a round hole. Like I grew up where David Duke, the former grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan got elected. He grew up, I grew up in his district.

So I'd get off the bus, these three guys would beat me up for killing Jesus, I'm like, you guys aren't good at math. And, which is a Jew-y thing to say. You're not good at math, thank you. And then they would like, they would like during Passover, they throw eggs at our house while we were like doing our Passover thing and we'd get like threats and they were like swastikas painted on my dad's like building and stuff.

So I was always like, Oh my God. Yeah, like real like Mississippi burning type of stuff. And so I would like, so I had this like, I had this weird mistrust and like thing going on. So like, yeah, I want to be liked, but I'm also where like it's not possible. Yeah. Yeah.

Like I'm unlovable. No. That was my impression. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's okay. But you're very good at dealing with your, the yesterday or the other day you dealt with it very good. That was really healthy, right?

That was really healthy. Yeah. I was like- A comic who I had sex with who's not white. I know. You had sex with this comic? Yeah. Is he good? Yeah. Like a comic who I had sex with who's not white? I know. You had sex with this comic? Yeah. Is he good?

Yeah. It's also crazy that not white, slummed it down to one. Yeah. I know. I have a problem. Oh, you don't have sex with white people? Not whites. You only have sex with white people?

Oh, okay. Irish. Irish. Every time. Irish. Oh, that's your kink? You like a small penis? You're like a January 6th kink. Dude, I went to the St.

Patrick's in Paddy's Day parade. Yes, the red faces looking like they're about to back him. I blow it in the bag. Alcoholics. Come on. Love me. Love me a red alcohol. Let me fix it. Yes. So he I have a thing with my age. I don't feel like I'm old, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm. And I'm like, should I say something? I'm like, you know what? It's all. And then I was like, don't say anything. Just hate this person for the rest of your life.

That's the healthy way to deal with it. And then he was like, hey, I'm sorry if that upset you. Did I upset you? And then I was like, yes. And then I went, wait, you're asking. I was sitting right there and he goes, hey, did it upset you? And I said that. And he was very much saying it, expecting him to be like, no, I don't worry about it with comics. B and E. Well, B a well being in blue chew.

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Don't tell me to don't write in your thing. Say thank you. That's that's fucking crazy. Well, I didn't read that. I would like to thank you because it's really awesome. Me too, because I'll pay us. So thank you. Yeah, thanks a lot. Thanks for the shoes.

Try this one. They both work now. So he says he said, hey, man, I hope that didn't bother you like fast, like thinking Richard, I don't care. He said it and immediately said, hope that didn't bother you. Or he said it and then came off stage, sat with me and was like, oh, set it on stage. He said from the stage. In other words, like this is completely hypocritical that I could catch a feeling because like

sometimes if someone's like, I think like if someone's like, what? What'd you say? I thought you'd know. Um, like if someone says something like, um, I met this guy and we had sex on the train and then blah, blah, blah, blah. Or I used to do this with Tina Friml. She's like the first time I had sex was during the pandemic. And then I'll get on stage and like, Hey, that's Tina Friml. I met her right out during the pandemic suggesting I'm the guy she has.

So I'm kind of like, I'm not making fun of her. I'm sort of playing the part in her act. But he said, you're my stepbrother a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I said, oh, yeah, that's right. I said I'm her stepbrother. So like, so I'll do that kind of thing. But like, I try not to like, so he said that's me in like 30 years suggesting I'm the older version. You can't kick, you can't kick the host. Rule number one of comedy.

You can't kick the host. Can't kick the person who went up before you. Right. Especially because they usually. Except for Simeon. I say Simeon's half Chinese and he has a little Chinese penis. But we have agreed that that's hilarious. But you probably cleared it with him first. He hadn't signed the release yet. No, I didn't.

But the first. But he liked it. Yeah, that's but that's yeah. And that's obviously not true because you could tell with that. Maybe with that loud voice, he does have a small cock. He's just so black that when he says he's half Chinese, I'm like, where is it? Yeah. Right. So like, so he said immediately he goes, hey, did that. What did he say? He said, did that upset you? And you went, yeah, a little bit. Yeah. I was honest.

I said it, but not like I hope you die in a fire. I said, yeah, a little bit. And then I was like, and you're like, because I'm weird about my age. Yeah. I sound a little sensitive about it. So I put it on me. I didn't say you did. I didn't like say you did anything wrong. I said, this is kind of my stuff. And then after I said, you know, the fact that you asked shows that you're a kind person and that we can agree that, um, that there should be peace in the Middle East. So, uh, yeah. So we agreed that like, no, I thought I said, you know, with the fact that he was sensitive enough to even care about it made me see him as a different sort of like, oh, it's not personal. And also people get nervous. So they try to like do, you know what I mean? So they kind of like do something. And I'm like, I'm like that, you know what? It's cool. Now, like, I was just like, I mean, it was like, oh yeah, let it go. This is not even worth wasting of another set. And it was immediately gone, which it was pretty good. It was like a nice moment. And then I feel closer to him. And he also said

something that really bothered me. The other day there was one of the managers at the cellar got attacked and I'm not going to say the person, but I'll do the impression. They go, I heard you were attacked by a homeless, I'm sorry, unhoused person. Ronan? What? No, that's not. No, no, no, no. And then, and then I was like, do we really have to worry about like the attackers feeling, which is like, right.

So like, this is empathy on Uber. And then I was like, this person has defended Metaphiles before saying it's really hard to want to fuck children. Can we say fuck? It's really hard to want to fuck children, but not fuck children. So they're kind of like heroes for not fucking children. And I'm like, that's like too much for me. I'm like, that's crazy. And then this person time that goes, yeah, that's gotta be really tough. And I'm like, what are we talking about here? I'm like, so if I want to, you know, am I a hero? Cause I don't like your statement and I'm not punching you in the

face. Like I want to punch you in the face, but I'm not. Or, hey, that rapist is not raping, so he's a hero. Like, what are we talking about? Like, having these dark thoughts. I don't. So it's. So now I'm arguing with someone who's not in the room two hours later. You know what I mean? I'm in the shower going, what's the end? And that's, you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, yes, I guess it's like, it's hard. Like, oh, I want to sleep with that married woman, but she's married, so I'm not sleeping with her. Doesn't make me a, it's like it's hard like, oh, I want to sleep with that married woman, but she's married. So I'm not sleeping with her. It doesn't make me. It's just like, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, I don't know. It just sort of, it's like, that's a joke that he had. No, it was a stance. Oh, it was a stance, like a literal, like, I believe pedophiles are it's not molesters,

but pedophiles. And I was like, that's it's too much. Yeah. But this person, does he have kids? No. Yeah. It makes a big difference. You have kids. I don't do it. If I have audiences and they're talking about kids, I want the kid fucking jokes get different. Well, yeah, the people will cut you for your children or their children.

Oh, dude. The other day, this was, this was really crazy. So the other day I was walking my two kids and there's like it's like a double stroller So I put the smaller one the youngest one in front and this biker I see coming like driving crazy Go watch out, man I got kids and he swirms around like dude look out and he gets caught in the front of my stroller Of my and my kid think it was the youngest so as his legs weren't long enough But it was the older one

He would have his legs would have been like mangled. And without even thinking, I kicked this guy right to the ground. My feathers were so big. He was like, like I was like, I'm fighting and I'm going to murder. And then it was like a garbage truck guy was like, like yelling at the good biker. Nice. And then he was like, okay, I'm going to have to fight two of these guys. And then I used all of the Spanish I've ever learned to curse him out. Good. Yeah. Wait, was he Bodega guy? He was black. No, no. He was African and he was very confused. And he was like, wait, what? Good accent though. No, he was really good though. Really good accent. Yeah. And then. Wait, was he a Bodega guy? Probably. Yeah. No, electric bike. Electric.

I think it was electric. But like he was just crazy what he was doing. Like I was like, like I've gotten so much better about like, because I ride a bike and I like, I used to yell at them when they're like coming at me. Yeah. Like if they're like hugging like away, but like when they're like going this lane and I'm clearly here and I can't really see because the lights in my eye and like, and then we stop at each other. And then I like, I just start yelling at them for, but it doesn't do it.

I think a bike made me the most hostile person. Yeah. Oh, of course. It's crazy. I've yelled at so many people, but I only yell when I couldn't easily get away. So if it's a bike going the same way, no way. Bike other way. Maybe.

Yeah. Yeah. I almost yelled at a guy today, but his seat was way back. Way back. He was lean on a bike. No, he's at the car. I yelled at a car once and it was the scariest. He back. He was lean. On a bike. No, he was in the car. I yelled at a car once and it was the scariest. He stopped so short.

Yeah. He was like, basically asking me to stop and I was just on my bike like, ching ching. Yeah. Yeah. There was, this was crazy. So there was, so this. Ching ching.

I also like, there's like ching ching. Ling ling. Ling ling. You want some of this? Ling ling. Ling ling. I'll fuck you up. Such race and bike riders that are trying to like use the bell to get cars out of the

way. I'm like, you have to know what this sounds like. I had one. I got stolen, but I had one that the horn was insane. It was great. It was insane. Jake stopped me from getting my shit kicked in the other day. We went to like a dog.

Oh, I have to like a dog. Oh, yeah. Oh, I have a question for you. So if you have your, if you see a kid's park that says no pets, do you bring your dog there anyways? Oh yeah. Yeah. I know about this. No, no, no, no.

You don't? Not if it's, if it's grass, maybe. No, it's not grass. It's like, it's blacktop and there's like one spot for like dirt and the rest it's like, but there's like a, like I said to this guy ago, Hey man, there's like a, I know there's a dog part of block away on first. He's like, you should go there. Cause this is like a kid's park.

And he's like, well, no one else is saying a thing. I'm like, cause no one else has any balls. I'm saying you cause I don't care. But he's like, well, my dog doesn't piss or shit outside. And I'm like, I've grown up with dogs. That's just completely false. And then the dog walks over and takes a shit right in front of me. Wow. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And then I think that if Coyote, if there was an outdoor, if Coyote peed or pooped near the tree, I would just clean it up. But I wouldn't bring her anywhere where it was like, like it's like a play area. And dated with kids. No, no, no. Inundated with kids. Well, Coyote's also like a tiny... Yeah. But to be fair, I don't think there's enough good dog parks, which I sympathize. But I'm like this one, like I'm like out of all the places.

It's so brutal seeing dogs in Manhattan when they're just shitting in the middle of the sidewalk and they're like also the bus is going by and they're just like... Because they're really, the bus is going by and they're just like, shh. Because they're really vulnerable. Yeah. We got, I went up to a guy and I was like, oh no, I brought Coyote into a non-dog area. It was a dog bar, but they had one non-dog room.

And I brought her in because she's service and I was just grabbing the boys. This guy though had like, and I'm sure he wouldn't have done anything, but he had like a camouflage trucker hat and was like slouched over drinking at the bar. I'm like, I don't this guy could be a murderer You know, yeah, no dog no dog No reason to be at the dog park and you were like you have no reason to be at the dog park

I was like you were kinking on a little bit. You're like this guy I tried being nice to him, but he was like he was like He's like you're gonna bring your dog in here And I said he service if she service and whatever and I was like What do people do if they have service dogs here and he was like they don't and I was like what he was like, you're going to bring your dog in here. And I said he service, she service and whatever. And I was like, what do people do if they have service dogs here? And he was like, they don't. And I was like, what? And then he went, what, what, what?

And then I was like, do you want to go outside? We got outside. And then he was like, he's like, no. And I was like, yeah, you're a little pussy. No, no, no, no. I said that. No. As we walked away. You did say that. But he you were like, do you want to go outside?

And he just said, what did he say? Is it similar to like they don't think, but he you were like, do you want to go outside? And he just said, what did he say? Is it similar to like they don't think, but he just like kept saying it. He's like, bye, bye. Yeah, bye, bye. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, and then we got out and. Jake roasted me for asking if you want to go outside because it was. Are you going to fight him? Were you going to fight him?

Yeah, you kind of have an advantage, right? Because you had two boys. Yeah, right? Cause you just get into the film. Well I had two boys. I had Jake and I had Carter. And then I realized Jake went, come on, and touched my shoulder and then I was like, oh yeah, they would be like implicated. So I will stop doing this.

Wow, that army could take on Russia. Yeah. Yeah. I thought Jake and Carter were. Carter was in the, Carter was in the reserves or something. Some military thing. National guard.

National guard. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I really, I always want to get in physical. Yeah, because you want to use your boxing. Well, we got the one almost pre-boxing with the truck where you hit the mirror. But it's also like not, like I can't fight you. Did he almost hit me? The truck that was honking when there was to get on the grass, but there was no grass.

So then you hit his rear view mirror. It was a red pickup truck and he stopped short. God, I was like a big meatball guy, older guy. Oh yeah. And then he- How do you not remember this? He was like, what a mouth for a girl. And you're like, you're a girl. Wait, I forgot about that.

It's actually kind of awesome. That was one of the best comebacks. I said, you're a girl? Yeah, you're just so quick. He was like, you cursed him out. and then he was cursing you out. And then he said something and he's like, oh, fresh mouth for a girl. And you're like, you're a girl. Oh yeah. In the parking lot.

In the parking lot. Yeah. Oh, you really get blind rage. So you have rage issues too. Yeah. And you black out. You get blind rage or you just black out. It's blind rage. Like you don't remember when you're like, you get into it and you just black out. It's blind rage. Like you don't remember when you're like, you get into it and you don't remember.

Like recently a guy hit Coyote with his luggage and I chased after him, rammed him with my luggage and I was like, and he was like, you know, you're crazy. And I was like, you're fucking hitting dogs with shit like that. People who can hurt dogs are pedophiles. You probably fuck kids. And I was like, this is a kid fucker. But he doesn't do it. So he's a hero. Yes. I was going to say this is a good fucker. But he doesn't do it. So he's a hero

He was like move and I was in the way I wasn't in the way it was a huge walkway He just wanted to keep going straight and I just like didn't move and so then he just nudged Coyote with his bag And Coyote's little so she was like and I just fucking I mean I have a kid. Yeah, it's my baby Yeah, yeah So I get I flipped out on a taxi so hard that I was banging on his glass of his door. Or I was getting out of a taxi and I went like this to the car, like, wait a second, because Coyote was jumping out and I was like, wait, and he stopped. And then she jumps out and then he comes by and I just like slammed on his car and was just hitting his glass being like, get out of your fucking car until my cab

driver came out, grabbed me and was like, go home. That's happened multiple times where onlookers will be like, yo, and grab me to be like, you are not going to win this. And I'm like, I want I want in this. I want to. I want. It's really bad. It's really the only person I've met who has the same is Louis J. Gomez. Same like snap like that. What? Maybe a little bit more. No, we have the same like if somebody's doing

something stupid then it's... Do you want to hear a great story? Yeah. So I'm on, I think this is like years ago, it's me and all those guys. It's Lewis, it's Dave, and it's Big J. And we're doing their podcast on a cruise. And someone, I think it was me, makes like some sort of AIDS joke or something. And one of these band members, brother died, whatever, we don't know this. And he walks up to us podcasting and tosses red wine in Big Jay's face. And they all get up to fight. And I'm just going, but we're in the middle of a podcast. The podcast must go on. So now I'm podcasting by myself.

Continuing because the show must go on. And I'm like, oh wait, I should have fought them, but I got brought on, my friend brought me on this thing, so I'm like, I don't want to get him in trouble. And I'm like, you can't really, there's cameras everywhere. You can't, like I'm not, you know what I mean? I'm like the adrenaline, but the thinking like, I was like, but he didn't throw it in my face.

I'm like, I want to defend my, but they got it. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're not with those animals. Well, I mean, I think that's why, I mean, but then I, then, and this is how, what an over thinker I am. I go, I never got asked to do Skank Fest. Maybe that's why, because I didn't get up to fight. Is that going to be it?

The show has to go on. That's what I, And you could do the commentary on the boxing match. Yeah, no, they I mean, it went, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, well, there's still people here. I want to get into a fight. Yeah, I try and fight everybody. It's crazy. When's the last time you actually got in a fight?

Like an actual scrap. My sister. Oh. Well, don't really fight girls. Yeah. It's your ex boyfriend. We scrap. What? That's crazy. Guys are not allowed to hit girls. OK, but it's still I think that's why a lot of your stories don't end in you dying because you can only scrap with girls. Yeah, thank God. No, you should only be scrapping. I used to scrap with girls all the time. I don't like scrapping with girls. They just pull hair. It's awful.

I would rather get a big fist to the face. I hate whenever I was growing up and I'd fight girls, I'd be like, come on, man. Like, can we just agree to be men about this? And they'd be like, oh, you want rules and war? I don't want my hair pulled. I pull your hair so they could, you know, I mean, it is it is. Oh, hold the hair. Hold the hair while they punch you. Yeah. Yeah. Could you put it in a ponytail?

Like be like, hold on. I used to have a helmet on because I used to scrap at ski club, throw the helmet on, chuck a soda, some girl. Oh, but having a helmet like that's what I'm most fun having a helmet. Yeah. The defense is this like they punch like this. Yeah. They're hurting a hand. Yeah. And then it's like hard. Like they just can't get to your face, but you just, the defense is this. Like they punch like this. They're hurting a hand. And it's like hard. Like they just can't get to your face, but you just. Helmets good. And then you protect the hair. Maybe like me, you should wear a helmet all the time. All indoors. All the time. 100% of the time. I'm down. I get in fight with those fucking dude. I was on, I was like walking with this woman the other day and this homeless guy

was like, you fucking suck. And I was like, you fucking suck. And she was like, should we call the cops? I was like, no. First. And she was like, should we call the cops? I was like, no. First of all, it's unhoused. Dude, it's that new guy. You know, the new homeless fuck. There's a new one. He was like Jordan Jensen. And I was like, what the fuck? He knows your name.

Dyke. And I was like, what? New white guy. Was he one that really smells like pee? No, he's not that dirty. And he could be just like a pair comic. Let's go. He's the late night emcee there. I shoved Nico last night.

For what? White in the way, dude, in the way, talking to a whole pack of girls. Nico, I had to get no Nico, the kid who stands on the corner. Oh, Nico. Oh, I didn't know. I thought you were talking to Nico White the whole time. No, Nico was on the corner just barking for the corner. Oh, I didn't know. I thought you were talking to Niko White the whole time. No, Niko was on the corner just barking for the pair. All these kids are all these people are like surrounding him. I have to go. I'm like, Niko, move. And I just like shove him.

And he was like, and these girls were like, excuse me. And I was like, shut up. You don't know. It was so annoying. It was the barkers just fill up that whole corner. And then there's like homeless men and you're slipping between. And then you're going between women being like, is this the comedy? So I'm like, no, it's for the pair. And there's a home. I said, it's like, I don't know who's who, you know, at least at least you got to go to the seller. He's got to stay on that corner. Yeah. For

sure. That might be, he said he said he said he said he said he's doing a 10, 20, 30. And we like, what's that? And he said, well, it's a challenge, but it's not a real challenge. I made it up. And I was like, okay, what do you have to do? He's like, you have to do 10 of something, 20 of something and 30 of something. And then I went, all right. And he was eating donuts and I was like, how many donuts have you eaten? And he said 24. And I was like, okay. It was 24. So that means that the 30 is the donuts. And then I was like, what are the other two? And he said shots of whiskey and jacking off. Oh my God. I was like, I was like jacking off. I was like, how many times have you jacked off? And he was like eight and I was like, Oh my God, eight, eight times. Shout out Nico. And then he was like, and then he does pull ups. He's

like a wire. He's like a wire guy with the glasses on the corner. He's there every night. And he was hammered cause he had 18 shots of whiskey. So sweet. And he had a bag of donuts and he was like, and I was like, does it, does your penis hurt? He was like, yeah. The next day I was like, how do you feel? And he was like, I feel fine. And I feel really bad that I feel fine. And I haven't had a hard time walking and sitting and standing. And then I was like, I was like, well, it's after midnight. And he was like, well, I started the challenge at one 30 and I was like, okay, I'm easier. Like the most you could, the most, I think a

dude should jack off in a day is three times. I think, I think one, one is the most it should be. No, no, I'm saying like, if you're trying to get to, I could never imagine doing more than more than two work. One nap. Okay. Technically your body starts over, okay, maybe two. Three is like crazy. Eight? Yeah. In high school, a lot of us, I had some friends we challenged to see how far we could get.

How many did you get? I got like six or seven. I had a lot of friends get eight to ten. But that was high school. What? That was high school, which is a very different. So you were already like... Yeah.

You were, that's the most homo thing. I know. Did you ever do... Was it on a cookie? And it was together. No, it wasn't. Was it together? It was each other. Oh my gosh.

Someone was like, had a sick day and was like, I jerked off eight times on my sick day. So then the next day, like next time someone is sick, they were like, I topped it. It was like a competition. Was this in Yeshiva? All boys, all boys high school. All boys. Was this a Yeshiva? No, it was a Catholic school, even though I'm a Jew.

Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say. He was a troubled child. He ran from taxis. They put you in Catholic school as a Jew? Yeah, high school. What happened? It was a good school. It was like the best school I got into. So they were like education over the Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much. Yeah, that's cool. Did you ever do soggy biscuits? They went like this. Dinner time. They went like this. Dinner time.

We got, we got kids at the rival school during a baseball tournament. They got in trouble for soggy biscuit. What's that? That is okay. So they, they all got suspended and we had this big baseball tournament at our school and then they took the bus back to grand forks, which is like probably like an hour drive, whatever. But they, on the bus, they played soggy biscuit, which is they got like an hour drive, whatever. But they on the bus, they played soggy biscuit,

which is they got to make chicken and then they all jacked off on it. And then the last person to finish had to eat it. Yeah. Are you sure? I'm positive because they all got in trouble. When did they put the comb? On the chicken. You have to jerk off on the McChicken. Did they see the penises? They were looking at each other. I don't know how it all played out, but they definitely did it. Like it was like this, give me the biscuit, dude. Give me the biscuit.

And every baseball team had like female managers. So they were like in the front of the bus. So they got in trouble for a lot of stuff. Yeah. And then they ate it. Somebody did not. I don't know if anyone ate it. No one ate it.

I doubt anyone ate it, but they got a lot of trouble. And two of them were twin brothers, which is kind of cool. That is cool. They look at it. I'm here. And then in the in Sainte-Eau, oh, Angle the Chicken! And then in SYNC they're like, we did it! I'm loving it! Angle the Chicken is so fucked up.

I was thinking about Becky too! Dude, do you eat McDonald's? No. Not anymore. Yeah, me neither. Never again. There's come on in. There's come in that they're better. Wait, because of Saki Biscuits? Well, that! They weren biscuits? Well, that. Oh, OK. They didn't work. They weren't working at McDonald's.

No, but it doesn't matter. I know a lady. I'm going to associate McDonald's. I know a lady. With that. With that. I know a lady who worked at my school. She was a teacher and she said that growing up, she worked at like a Friendly's and they

would, she would, they'd take all the ice cream out with the side of the barrel would pull the arm hair off. So if she didn't like somebody, if arm hair off. She didn't like somebody. If she got like somebody she didn't like, she would take all of the hair, arm hair off. Does that happen a lot? Because I see every I don't think I've ever gotten ice cream without hitting the little side. I'm going to tell you, that's not so friendly. Is that's what they should call it right now.

Come on now. Hey, without hitting the little side. They had side every time I get ice cream. Do you know, I want to scoop. You watch them cream. Dude, there's so many fun little things here. You watch them scoop. You watch it. You see them hit their arm? No, not their arm. I'm saying the scooper's hitting the side. It's gotta hit the side. They can't just go straight down. There's not hair then.

Do they say anything that makes you think they don't like you? No. Except this place Davies Ice Cream, they were so positive that I did think they were doing something. They'd always be like, that's a great choice. I'm like, this guy's spitting in my ice cream. I was suspicious when they were all huddled behind the guy going. I was suspicious when I heard more hair. Put more hair in.

Put more hair in. Extra fuzzy. Extra fuzzy. Extra fuzzy. Do you want an extra fuzzy? That was the same lady who told the story about walking past a house that was on fire, and she walked by and was like, oh, it smells so good. It's like barbecue. Somebody's cooking barbecue.

And then later found out the entire family burned to death. Oh my God. Really? Yeah. That's so... Yeah. I mean, how do I segue into my special for that? Richisfunny.com.

What the hell? Yeah. What's your special about? It's about, well, this is what I did. I shot an hour. About an hour and 45. Yeah. It's about 62 minutes, I'll say.

I shot a full log. What does that mean? Well, I said, I said, yo, where you from, boy? So, so I. Sometimes, if Rachel do full black voice on stage, you would love it. Yeah, full black voice. I don't know. But I do.

Should we do the rest of the podcast that way? Should we do the remaining minutes of the podcast that way? I will not do anything that will get me canceled. Any kind of accent or voice. Anyway, so I can't cancel something you've never heard of. So I yeah, I like I like to do this. This is a new joke I'm working on. I said, if you're ever bored, it's really great to walk into a Starbucks

and be like, get a black man, get a macho, like this motherfucker, one pop bitch. And then I just leave. But I do. But I tested in front front of like the, like the, all the black people that work at the cellar to see if they're like, what? But they're always laughing. So I'm like, okay, this seems to be approved. That's great.

Sometimes you do it when you're wearing your black lady Afro shirt. Oh yeah, I like that joke. So I have, I have a have it's Gloria Gaynor. But I say, hey, I bought this shirt on sale on June 20th. So you'd have to know Juneteenth was June 19th. And then people like I'm like, I had to Google it, too. Like, I don't know. But it's it's usually better in June when I do that.

Yeah. But you wear that lady and then do black voice. And sometimes I'm like, this is I do. Well, I used to do God is this guy's got it. And then I would do the voice and sometimes I'm like this is I do well I used to do God as a black woman and then I would do the voice and I just don't I just haven't adjusted to the times yeah I just refuse like it you did a full set as in a full hour and a half show hosting doing Cholo yeah listen bro the manager no no I'm fucking serious bro so I'm spiritual, so this is what happens. The manager, bro, he's like, listen. But he didn't tell the audience he was doing a voice.

No, so the manager said, he's Hispanic, so I do the voice to him. I'm like, hey, it would be more bitter if I did the whole show like this, bro. And he said, if you do that, I'll double your pay. I was like, game on. He goes, but you can't break character. So I'm like, what's up?

It was the Super Bowl, there was 10 people there. So I told every comic, just, I'm doing a thing and don't ruin it. And you know, a few comics did, but it didn't matter. And I was like, are you fucking doing? And I was doing the whole thing. And like, hey, you guys like impressions, bro? You like impressions? Okay, here's my impression of Donald Trump's, right? We're a great guy. And they're like, what the fuck? We're talking big guy. And they were like, what the fuck? We're talking big problem. And then I was like, what's your, what's your ethnicity, bro? And this moment she's like, I'm so confused. You sound Mexican, but you look Jewish. Literally what she said to me after the show, I saw some audience members and then I started talking to them and they're like, wait, you don't, they bought it.

They totally bought it. I didn't break character at all. They totally bought it. You know, yeah. I get nervous on stage and just talk like that. No, you're nervous, bro. You're a pussy, bro. You got to be more spiritual. I used to do prank calls. It's crazy. I used to do prank calls. So I prank called the Westminster dog show. I'm like, yeah, I want to put, I got a purebred German chipper in Labrador and I want to do prank calls, so I prank called the Westminster Dog Show. I like, yeah, I want to put I got a pure pure bread, a German shepherd and Labrador, and I want to put them in your show, bro, because he's fucking awesome. You know, when they were like, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not pure. But I'm like, yeah, bro, he's pure bread, shepherd, pure bread, Labrador, bro.

You take two breads, put it together. Boom sandwich. What's up? They're like, no, no, no, it's not a pure. I'm like, do your race just gets me because I'm half Mexican and Puerto Rican, bro. You're not poor. You're you. Well, I'm not enough for you. And they got like it was and it got elevated.

Oh, they were so funny. Yeah, I love doing. You do these. I did these pre pandemic. Like it was it was kind of still around. During the pandemic, I used to do the guy that called me for the unemployment thing. Was this like he was this Indian guy and he was so exhausted. And you could tell he's like, I don't have time for this. I have 3,400 applications. Cause I was asked really annoying questions.

Like I don't have time. Who let me go to the Brits at www.backslashgzuas.com. Like there's long fucking things just yelling at me. So that me in person, I would do it lives with her and she would be dying while I was doing it. And then people like they don't like, I go like nothing about this guy is like any stereotypes. He's just an exhausted Indian guy, but this is the guy who's yelling at me. And I'm like, that's the voice. I don't care that he's like, you know, it was like, I don't know. backslash edu government forward slash tax dot edu.

Why not? I don't have time. I don't have time. I'm saying I don't have time for this. I have 7,480 applications. Why not? You know, and I kept flopping on the floor. Like I get really, I was like, why not?

And then I'd flop out of the thing. And at one point I just, I stopped and I pretended like I was peeing. So I had like this big jug. Every time I went down, I put on like a new outfit. It was really crazy. That's awesome. Yeah.

But we, you know, the worry is like, like one guy, he's like this bloggy guy. He's like, it was really funny. But then I realized after, I was like, no, no, no, no. you can't get buyer's remorse. You thought it was funny. You laughed. And then you thought, oh, wait a minute, this might be offensive somehow because there's a voice. And I'm like, I understand what you're saying, but that's not, you can't laugh and then go, wait a minute. There's nothing funnier than Richard Pryor doing white voice. That is the top funny thing. Thank you. In the world. I don't know, like I doing Indian voice.

voice. That is the top funny thing. Thank you. In the world. I don't know why I'm doing Indian voice. I'm just saying like when people do white voice and other people do white voice, it's so fucking good. Well, my yes, I love the interest rates and golf. They pretty much are doing an impression of Dan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I watched him last night and I was like, he's good, man. He'll go from like, just the cutest little nerdy jokes to just full like, I was talking to a, I was talking to a bitch and I said, like he's talking about how on text he's like, yeah, I'm going to tap that ass. Yeah. It's crazy.

He's very polished. He's very the maple guide. Yeah. He's kind of sounds like, yeah, he's great. That's the best thing about the seller is just getting buried by fucking Lenny Marcus. Yeah, Lenny. Lenny's the rules. Todd Berry broke his arm on that walkway.

Yeah. That walkway is treacherous. Which one? At the bar where people cross their legs? At the bar? When you're getting off stage at the bar? Oh, that's where he broke his arm? That has gotten me rage.

That's gotten me rage. That's gotten me rage. That, yes. Is when people cross their legs and I'll be like, oh, what the fuck? I've tripped. We're getting off stage blind. We're fully blinded. And there's a hundred people,

they give you this far to walk through. You're like taking your accolades, like, thank you, thank you. And then you fall in front of the toilet. My child, it wasn't so bad. Thank you, thank you. Yes, yes, yes. I am an owie. It's crazy. I, yeah. Oh, believe Yes, yes, yes. I am a noice. It's crazy.

I, yeah. Oh, believe me, I know. I've tripped. Yeah. I've tripped. Yeah. I've tripped. I came close. I like tripped.

The worst is tripping upstairs. That's the worst. I do that all the time because my feet are so big. God, I trip upstairs a lot. I trip upstairs. I scare the shit out of my dog. Yeah. And that pole thing doesn't help. So now it's even smaller. I kind of like the pole thing. I trip upstairs, yeah. Scare the shit out of my dog. And that pole thing doesn't help, so now it's even smaller.

I kinda like the pole thing, I use it. Yeah, but it moves. Oh yeah. It moves, but I've tripped on the lounge, I've tripped there. It's a crank on Keith. Yeah. It's a crank on Keith. Where is this?

Hey Keith, grab the. Whistling. Whistling. Laughing. I just love all these little things. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. This is great. Laughing. Laughing. I just love all these little things. This is great.

OK, when is the specials coming out on YouTube? It's right now. It's at RichestFunny.com. Shoot it. I shot at the underground. I did two. I did an hour and I cut it into two different. I was like, oh, wait a minute. This is the closer and I made two different ones. I've won in the queue. I'm working on. I realize people, oh, wait a minute. I make this the closer that and I made two different ones. I've won in the queue. I'm working on. I realize people don't want to watch an hour. So I made them 30 minutes. That's great. So so smart.

And now and now. And then they digest my brain to go, dude, you got to write 30 more minutes. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Not an hour. Yeah. 30 minutes. I could do that. Yeah. Now I have like I have like the one of the jokes I just found out. You ever write a joke and you're like, this is the great. And then someone's like, you know, that's Norm McDonough's joke. And I'm like, oh, totally. It happened. It happened to me.

Really? Yeah. The joke I wrote and I and I never saw it. I never saw it. And an audience member said, I love the way you did that. I was like, what? What? Wait, what? The joke is I'm I think you should separate the art from the artist. Like, I'm a big fan of Bill Cosby not the comedian So apparently norm did some I haven't seen it yet, but I'm like the fact that some audience member some Audience member. Yeah, that's a norm and I was like that's done. So I thought I you know, it happens

I didn't obviously watch nor McDonald's comedy and go I didn't obviously watch Norm McDonald's comedy and go, he's dead. I had one all about how like balls are ridiculous because they have to like clamor up to the body. Yeah, I love that bit. Somebody sent it to me, Sarah Silverman, just basically exact bit. No.

The only thing is I do the uppies thing, she doesn't do up, I mean, I was watching and I was like, oh, what this is this, we literally had the same idea of doing the act out of the ball, being like, no, bring me up. Same, and I'm like, of course. Yeah, because we both do baby voice. We both talk down on men as much as we can.

You know what I mean? Yeah, thank you for being vulnerable and telling me that. Isn't that brutal? You also have the experience. I had to cut it. That was one of my favorite jokes. I saw it and I was like. At least it's not like, I mean, mine was one line.

Yours was a whole big. Yeah, mine was a big boy. That was a whole developed. It was a closer. Yeah, I remember it. Yeah, like, this is not like, I mean, mine was one line. Yours is a big boy. Yeah, that was a whole developed. It was a closer. Yeah. Yeah. I remember it. Yeah. I was like, this is so much better than Sarah Silverman's. Yeah. Sarah Silverman's was like, it was, um, yeah. Talking about it. It didn't go on the whole thing about female genitalia versus male genitalia, but it just talked about how balls were ridiculous and how they shrunk up. And it was like, when she did the baby, when she did the voice of the balls, I was like, oh my God, we literally are thought in the exact same. That's stinks.

I mean, me and Emma Wilman had the same joke. Neither of us cared about how Adderall, it was something about how there was an Adderall shortage. So give the people making Adderall more Adderall. Yeah. But that's like, because me and Emma are ADHD people who were addicted to Adderall at the time, you know? It's like- We're both lesbians. Yeah, we're both lesbians. Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, where's one of the sound effects? Wait a minute. No, grab the fricking Penny Whistle. Which one's a Penny Whistle? I think it's the red one. This one? What do you think the red one is? I like that.

This one's really good. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm a child. a red one. This one? What do you think the red one is? I like that. This one's really good. I'm sorry. I'm a child. The red one. This is a Penny Whistle? I think so. But don't you have to go the other way?

This is Pan flute. Oh. What's a Penny Whistle? Oh, I know what it is. Every air instrument. And the white man came. This is my impression of Rich on Monday nights when the seller is playing music and he wants to play harmonica with the boys.

Oh man, they haven't been using me because I think they got rid of the guy that brings me up. Which is, yeah, no, I'm like, I'm literally like. With your helmet on? With my helmet on, I play harmonica as you, I mean this one's, this is really not a great harmonica, let's be honest. Well go ham on it.

No, it's not a good one. Well go ham on it. What's the? So anyway, so I wait to. Wow. Do you wanna hear Samford and Son? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so I was always like, hey, I want to play. I play harmonica. You've heard me play. Yeah. Yeah. So I can play harmonica. I've been playing the way it started was years ago when I started comedy. I would, you'd wait around a lot. So I hadn't, I would like have all this energy. So I paced the neighborhood until I was going on playing harmonica and then I learned how to play. That's pretty much how it happened. How did you get the harmonica on the first place? People just chucking shit at you. Until finally they stopped.

How do I get a harmonica? Yeah. Have you heard of money? It buys goods and services. I bought harmonica. But you just had it and you're just like small. So it was like my like it was like before widgets or fidgets. Fidgets. Yeah. For that, I was like, so I had, you know, I mean, I used to have a cello, but I had it small, so I keep it in my in my pocket.

I remember I bought a harmonica and cats, the VHS musical, and it was the worst two buys my mom had ever done because I watched cats over and over and memorized every song and would perform it live And I played the harmonica when I was high school musical for me really yeah, you did it you watch I've been over Yeah, I'd be in my grandma's room watching it over and over again dribbling a kickball like a basketball Mom look Of course I'm a musical song that you played for me the other day. But what about love?

You're like, just listen to this. And I was like, Oh yeah, no, that's legally blonde. Yeah. Great movie. Legally blonde, the musical. I said, this is literally you, but what about love? I feel like he's doing all these horrible things to me. We need to break up and then just go, but what about love?

Did you guys date? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, okay. I thought you were saying, okay. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I'd be talking to him about the on off. Oh, yeah. The on off off. Oh yes. No, no, no, no. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And then it'd be like all this stuff adds up and it's like, yeah, this needs no, no, no, yes, yes. Yes, yeah, yeah, totally. And then it'd be like all this stuff adds up and it's like, yeah, this needs to end. And then a spotlight goes on Jordan. But what about love? I'm like, this is like your mental state.

This song. We should write Jordan the musical. This time it'll be different. Yeah. Yeah. He only chokes me when I ask him to. I choke him back. Yeah, that's pretty good.

I like that musical. I do like that too. Up he's. A bunch of men would come out and do a song about how they're tired about hearing it. Please start one more breakup. Please don't make me listen to this. This is exhausting.

Get off the rail. Merry go round, merry go round. Merry go round. Yeah. With me on a merry go round. I thought I loved it. I want a cool rider. Shut up. A guy dressed like period blood. The darkest days are behind us.

All right. That's a good way to end. That's 60 minutes. We did a great job. We have to do the Patreon episode. Stay tuned to that fuckers. Check out Rich Ivanovich's special. Rich is funny. One word at richest funny.com or go to my Instagram. Rich is funny. Wow. But the specials are going to be on YouTube. Rich is funny there too. Okay. Or Facebook funny or X Rich is funny or Twitter Rich is funny or LinkedIn very big on LinkedIn Rich is funny Which is fine. Don't go to my LinkedIn boys Shut up. Okay, that's the episode It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.