Bein' Ian With Jordan - Ep140: Finishing Hammer W/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley (Are You Garbage) | Bein' Ian With Jordan

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Are You Garbage: Route 66 Tour | Comedy Special (2025) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/ian Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Are You Garbage? : https://www.instagram.com/areyougarbage/ https://areyougarbage.com https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets  Are You Garbage: Route 66 Tour | Comedy Special (2025) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Follow Kevin Ryan : https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow H. Foley : https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Hey everybody, Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, Utah, April 4th and 5th, just announced Atlanta, Helium, May 25th, 26th and 27th. I am going to be all over the road, stand up live, Huntsville, Alabama, stand up live, Arizona, Philly, Rochester, all in May. Come and see me, IanFightance.com for all my dates, tickets and mailing lists and PunchUp.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates as well. See you on the road. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. it's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt

It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian with Jordan Meow! I thought the beginning of our show was weird I thought the beginning of our show was weird. Fully's gonna have sex with you in a minute.

Hey, easy, the big man just got here. Really throwing it around. I just got married. You little whore. Jesus Christ. What are you in you. I just got married. You little whore. Jesus Christ. What are you in heat? Sorry, I met my wife. He's got a pillow in front of his pants.

Anyways, turn the show on. Oh my God. He's just, he's doing his legs. I'm gonna charge you in a second. He's gonna doing his legs. I'm going to charge you in a second. He's going to melt you. Oh, my God. Who's the man out of YouTube? Oh, there it is.

Mazel. There it is. Baruch Hashem, young and shallow. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. I am so happy to be back. You do have to include him saying that about charging though. That's stated for sure. I'm not going to get another laugh. What are you talking about? I'm done.

Plugged in dates to the website, the Patreon, I'm out of here. Also the thing that made me laugh the hardest is that you didn't say like, oh he's about to come at you and he's about to fuck you. He's about to come at you. You went, he's about to fuck you. He's about to have sex with you. And I'm in a storage. In the jungle, you don't have a say in that.

That Ram mating call got me all worked up. Welcome back, Patreon.com slash B and E and pod. I am so happy to be here. I was not here last week. No touching. I am so happy for our guests. Lifelong pals. Mm hmm. The. The hosts with the most Kevin Ryan and Henry Foley.

Thank you for having us. Happy to be here. I am so happy you guys are here. I got you something when I was in Los Angeles. OK. I hope you like it. There was one you got one. Well, it's a shirt and only one which. They didn't have elephant.

Wait, who are you talking about? It's a shirt that says no bozos. Very cool. Van Hal Halen 1982 tour shirt. There you go. Thank you very much. That's amazing. You're welcome. Can you throw this out for me? And I have learned to not get you

gifts because you do not like them. They're always t-shirts that nobody's going to wear that look like that. Hey, I'm on her side. I'm a very publicly very bad gift getter. Yeah. Cause they're all gonna wear that. We'll leave it in the studio or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I just did? Listen to this genius idea. Sure. My stepmom's mother. So my step grandmother, she's a quilter. I had one of those Marlene. Quiet. Gave me the deaf tones around the fur album 1997.

Oh Jesus. What the fur album 1997. Oh Jesus. What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cleveland a little bit of snap. Bobby Kelly tased himself on accident and became a different person. And I don't know if he's going back. I mean, he became like a complete. He tased himself and tried to wipe it off of all Versey. Versey's going, Versey's going, can that thing hurt people? Can you get a heart attack from it? No, but for real, everybody, could that hurt anybody you think? I did it one time to impress a girl in college.

It did not work. On your testicles. Pays myself. No, I did it one time to impress a girl in college. It did not work on your testicles. Taste myself. No, I was crazy that it didn't work. Someone brought out a gun or a taste like it was a taser prod. I'd use a gun to my. Prod. Yeah, like I it was like a cow prod, not a cow. It was it was like that. It didn't have the thing. I forget.

I just saw a video there. They were criminals are using them now, the ones that cops use. So instead of walking up and shooting you or like, you know, give me all your money. They just fucking really. That's smart. I just wake up a minute later. All right. Can't go through their pockets. Yeah. You'll get electric. No, that charge stops at some.

No, it cops get zapped. But many people are just holding their phone and you're just like, yoink, sell that. Yeah, but you're probably short circuited. No, that's not how it works. You don't need to be grounded to touch them. Yeah, you do. No, you don't. But I'm going to get one. I think we can all say we don't know what the fuck we're talking about.

No, listen to my idea. I say grounded. I know. I have to say my idea. What's your idea? All of the bad shirts that Ian's got me and all of the band shirts that I got, I never wear. I'm getting, I'm getting made into a quilt. Very nice. That's genius. That's dead guy shit though. They do it. People die and then you make like a quilt out of their clothes. Creepiest.

By the time it's done, Ian will be dead in about a week and a half. He's got a blanket made out of his dead dad's hair. It's weird. Small, it's more of a pillowcase. It's a king size. No, I have a blanket made out of my dad's old t-shirts. That's so nice. No, it's not. It's the weirdest thing in the world.

You don't think that's nice? Some of them have stains on them still. Fuck them. You could have got a dry. Wow. Did you wash the shirts? Yeah, my mom did. They still smell like them.

And then had it made. Mine's going to be all punk. It's not going to look weird and scary like that. Mine's going to be like. How do you know mine looks weird and scary? It's old man's clothes. Because it's probably shirts from like a Elks lodge. They're all Notre Dame t-shirts.

That's awesome. That's a Notre Dame quilt. That's what that is. Yeah. Haunted. That's a good gift to give someone. I have lube're dead on my vagina What'd you say? What lube coming out of me actively because I went to the urologist Oh, get the lump checked. How's the lump? It's fine. Nice. It's a medical podcast. We still move into here So she goes like this. She's like there's a huge obese woman in the hallway and I'm like, oh I bet she's the doctor

Who's gonna like cav obese or fully? Cut that All right, all right beast woman in the hallway and I'm like, oh, I bet she's the doctor who's going to like cavo beast or fully obese. We cut that. I thought I was going to get a laugh. All right. All right. All right. All right. This shirt socks. Sorry. And then I've been in L.A. so I'm not on New York time yet. I know. And you were in full back. Well, fly back over there and you'll still bomb.

You can bomb in multiple time zones. That's how bad you are. Why were you there for so long? Because I love it there. He's an LA guy. What were you doing? What were you doing every day? Last time I said I wanted to move there, he was like, no, I'm in New York.

He said, he's like, New York doesn't make me happy. You have a little bit of color on you. Thank you. I got sunburned. You said to me that you'd never live in LA. I'm a New York guy. I smoke cigarettes. I want to kill myself. I would never move there, but I would live there for a period of time while keeping this apartment. You're never going to get rid of this place, are you? When does that happen?

You've been here for so long. Did you like go to college in this apartment or something? 2007. Yeah, this is where the school was. It was actually down here. He knows a lot of weird people in this neighborhood too. When we were outside, multiple weirdos rolled by. Oh, do you tell me about the guitar?

Wait, I have to tell you something. Literally, so we have a pretty big podcast. You know what I mean? So this guy runs up and he's like, holy shit from the podcast. Like the three of us kind of turn and he only knew Ian, which is fine. But then we're sitting there and we're like, like, OK, I didn't know what podcast he didn't know. He's like, just podcast. And he's like, yeah, man, which is fine. But then we're sitting there and we're like, OK, but he didn't know what podcast he didn't know. He's like, just podcast.

And he is like, yeah, man, does every podcast. He does do a lot of. Yeah. So then I'll be like, I can't do the podcast and he will appear behind me texting through my fingers going, and we'll do it. You did that the other day with fucking Miss Pat. You know, I love Ike. I texted Sagala. Hey, man, here's this opportunity.

Can you do it? And he's like, oh, yeah, maybe send me the more information. Two minutes later, Ian's like, you don't text me. You can't text me. No, no, it was a joke because Sagala was sitting here and he goes, oh, shit, blah, blah, blah. And I go, oh, dude, it'd be funny if I go, I go hey Is there an opening and I sent a picture me and him together Entry point as a joke exit point

Either way it worked out well I slept with a guy and 50 and I and I was like sorry even it's a dream something guy and 50 and I was like sorry even if I didn't slap with the guy he showed up at my apartment it was like who was it it was the scariest thing that's ever happened I thought it'd be a funny bit he'll go because I hadn't seen her in a while entry point funny bit exit point how dare you have any connection with other any other no no no no I'd I had just gotten in a car accident. We had been talking all the time. That's the biggest, just listing tragic things that have happened to you recently. I just got in over by a shopping cart. Randomly you go, you go, yeah, I ended up fucking some guy this weekend.

I'm like, what? Tell me, what happened? And you're like, I gotta go, me and John are at the apartment. I go, alright. Oh, I had a friend over, he doesn't like that either. So then I came over, I had nothing to do. So I came over and I thought it'd be a funny bit to be like, who was it? That's funny.

And then you were just at my house and I was like, you have to go? I came over and I cut off a piece of her hair with some scissors. I thought it'd be a fun bit. I came in the fire escape. I thought it'd be hilarious. Did you think that was, I thought it was funny.

I've told multiple people. I think it's funny. Okay. Yeah. Cool. Did you know that the, if you, if you're standing facing your apartment, you have two apartment on either side, there's a dog over here. Guess what his name is? Seven. Seven.

There's a new dog that just moved in. The cutest dog you've ever seen. Its name is Seven. Next to my apartment. Unrelated on either side. You have a dog named Seven on either side. How do you know about this? Because I flipped out when I was leaving last week, there was a tiny Frenchie, this big waddling could barely even walk.

I was picking up about, yeah. And I was like, what's his name? He's like seven. And I was like, what? And he was like, I live right here. And I was like, do you know seven? And he was like, no, it's just my favorite number. That's weird. I'm in between two sevens. This is a weird block.

This is a weird chunk of block. The front of the building looks like little Poland or something. The funniest thing is that the guy, he comes up and he's like, oh yeah, pockets, blah, blah. And he goes, and his girlfriend goes, come on, we got to go play baseball. I don't think that was his girlfriend. She goes, do you need anything? She was a lesbian.

She goes, do you need anything out of the car? And he goes, no, I'm good. And he goes, all right, man, I got to run. We're playing baseball. And then he ran over to the car and grabbed a guitar case and just walked off. And I was like, that guy's not going to play baseball. He's got a guitar. That is. And I was like, that would be one.

That means 100 percent. That makes sense that he only knows. I'm like, Ian, that is a you fan. That guy resonates with you for sure. And then a guy walked by that he used to do breaking and entering who had a knee brace on and was walking with a little girl. Yeah. He and I became friends because he found me passed out on the street drinking a Four Loko in front of a bar and he was like, this guy seems pretty cool. And then we would go around to parties

in the neighborhood and I would steal stuff and then we would go get coke. You know what, maybe you should move to LA. What kind of coke dealer took that kind of trade? Would you go and cash in the? I wasn't stealing vitamins. I was stealing money. You said you were going through the medicine drawer for me. Yeah. And then a little dabble, do you? I would say I thought or I thought he comes out covered in band-aids. Nothing to see here.

I'm taking off, guys. Nice to meet everybody. I'm going to talk to you. I'm going to call it early tonight. He's got pockets of gummy vitamins. I got what I needed, brother. Hey, where's my Q-tips? All right. See you later. I could have sworn I had a bottle of hydrogen peroxide in here. Covered in band-aid.

You stink again. You always have. Fuck you. Bandit. You stink again. You always have. Fuck you. I'd be glad to trade you an eight ball for this nice water pick. These monogrammed hand towels. Your initials aren't TJ by any chance. Cookey patookey over here, man.

So I'm going to move to L.A. No. You see how it goes for a while. No, don't you tell me to do that. Whoa. Don't tell me to move. That thing scares me. Tell me you want me to stay. Why do you have two of them? Why do you both have these? What you just saw? Why?

Hey, fat hair. Get a glove. Get in the game here. This is an NPR. Goddamn knife fight, dude. Grab this knife and hit somebody. Oh, my God. That's a letter opener. Yeah, it still works.

That's still wet. You got to wait. Yeah, it still works. Still wet you. Gonna wet you. It's all right, mate. I thought you'd stick one in you. Oh, y'all making me sweat. So do you really want to move to LA? No, I just want to go out there more.

I really enjoy it. I like it out there. The weather's nice. Did you stay at Jason's? The sun is nice. Yes. I eat healthy. I work out. I like driving in a car, blasting tunes. I'm going all over the place, doing everything. What kind of car did you rent? When I'm here, Volvo. And when I'm here. Weird. Why? SUV? Yeah.

Okay. Hurts. Upgrade. Nice. Upgrade. And when I'm here, I like don't get out. What was it? A bike? What are you doing there? You're hiking. I'm hiking. I'm going to the park.

I'm riding in a swan on the water. You're not going to be doing that on a regular Tuesday if you live there. Your problems go with you. Why? I don't want to live there. I just want to go out there more often. It's a nice escape. Wait for your demons to catch up to L.A. and then right back to New York.

Can't catch me. I miss Central Park. Jason is like, you can't stay at my house anymore. Juke them. Juke them. Shuck and jive. Oh, I'm going to go up to West's for two days and turn my phone off and just be in the woods. I need it. That's good.

It's great. I don't believe that you'll turn the phone. What? Turn my phone off for two days? Okay, well. Hurry up. I can't talk. Don't tell Jordan I answered the phone.

Have you ever gone to the woods alone? Alone? No, I don't like my house in the suburbs. Pretending to be a bear. Rrrr. Rrrr. You're doing bits. Is there anything more you have to tell Ian?

Rrrr. You're gonna do that? To the yurt? Yeah, you wanna go? No. Okay, I'll go. There you go. Now I hide in my own home that I own.

That I like, I respect that. It's scary, do you get scared? I get so scared. I live in this proper suburbs and I, it scares the shit out of me. So scary. What do you mean? It's deep in the heart.

What do you think? No. I enjoy hiding in the apartment. I do that. I do that. Huzzles. And it's not good. That's the best way to do it.

I love my apartment. You have to love your apartment though. I do, I've just been here in New York City since I was 18. And I lived in Delaware for like four years. But the majority of the time I've been here. Is that when we met you? When you were back in the Philadelphia area? Yeah.

OK. I was living in a halfway house. Besides the podcast, why are you staying in New York? For the podcast. Really? No, I love my neighborhood. I like having everything near me. It can't be guitar guy.

Why are you a guitar guy? Cracker Jack, the one like bandit? What do you who you have? What are you holding on to in your life? Sock this place stinks. Stop. This is a good visible water. That is for the aesthetic. I know your bathroom is right there.

And the seam in the seam in the tape runs all the way to you. Weird metal doors. It's very institutional. Also, that I've never seen metal doors in a house that that really that stairwell is very Ukrainian. Just let you know. I know this one is very like you's very you expect to turn the corner on the wall to be missing.

I like this doing Zelinsky's. But yeah, I like this apartment. It's a two bedroom with a sub basement. It's got everything I need. The neighborhoods got everything I got. It's close to I got you. You did ask everybody this apartment. Oh, yeah. That's a good thing.

Are you on the lease here? I got to let go. The only one we think the cats on the lease. Who knows with him? There is good thing. Are you on the lease here? He's got to let go. The only one who is the cats on the lease? Who knows with him? There is no. It could be that guy on the lease. You know, I could be on the lease. But I just like going to L.A. because it's a nice way to get some sun.

Sure. Feels good. Change of pace. And I honestly think coming off the road of the highs of the road and then coming back, anywhere I would come back to is just like. It would be tough. It would be tough, but I like going to Los Angeles. I go to Swingers every night. It's my favorite diner there.

Every night we all end up at Swingers. You know, I got a lot of music friends out there. I'm there, they show up, ba ba ba, really fun. I enjoy it. Who are your music friends? Hard. I'm there. They show up up up really fun. Enjoy it. Who are your music friends? Hardcore guys. Hardcore. Is that punk rock bands? Mm hmm. Or Ramones. I hang out with the Ramones. OK. Yeah.

They're all dead. You and his lying down in cemetery. We get a studio in Manhattan like they have, but not so big. What do you talk about small ties as an addition to a house in South Philadelphia? The addition to the house. I just think the house is big. What do you talk about small times as an addition to a house in South Philadelphia? The addition to the house. I just think the house is big. And then you and then you do that. And then you get I don't like change. You have to let go of this place. It is so scary. You have to get out of here. Why is this neighborhood bad? It's neighbor. It's fine. It's just you just talked about the crime. You come in and change everything about me. Nothing I do is OK. No,

I just think everybody needs a move every few years. I don't disagree with that. It's an apartment. That's a new change. You've been here a long time. I've only ever heard that old guy living in here. They're going to be delivering your meals on wheels. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be nine.

Oh, he's going to be stealing them, cutting them off at the pass. I'll take them in. I'll be my friend. And we could rent a studio in Manhattan and bank there. Where am I going to live? Echo there. Where am I gonna live? Echo Park. I like, I would live in Echo Park. Just fly back once a month, do the pod.

Yeah. Knock him out. Bank. I, how about going to a therapist and getting on some pills? How about some creminals? The pills aren't working anymore. Really? He's gonna go to LA, he's gonna realize

it's a haunted house, which it is, the weird, like, twilight-y vibe that kind of freaks you out after being there for too long. You know what I'm talking about? It never clicked for me. I never liked it. I had fun. Like, we'll go hang out at the store, get fucked up, whatever. I like it out there too, to be honest. I don't. It doesn't click. I feel like I'm in a movie.

Yes, yes, but that gets weird. You start to be like, get me out of this. It's Truman Showy. I, no, no, no, no, no. I like the little neighborhoods and then going down the street, like it's a suburban neighborhood and then walking down the end of the street

and there's like a coffee shop and stuff like that. It's nice, but the buildings are so short. And I like driving through Laurel Canyon, 60 miles an hour. I'm not doing that. I obey the law. Yeah, it would just kind of wear thin. Anywhere you are wears thin.

For me it feels like everything is synthetic. Like even the walls and places. You wanted to move there for a while. You were like, let's move to LA. Every time I go through the breakup, I would need to move. I planned an entire Europe tour that I didn't end up wanting to do

because I was like, let me get me out of here. But as soon as I'm like stable, I'm like, okay. Hey everybody, your mental health is important. I said important, but it's important as well. When it costs too much, you gotta help you suffer. Thankfully, Rula's working to change the game. They'll stick with you throughout your journey, ensuring that you make progress because Rula is on a mission to make high quality mental health care from a licensed professional easy

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and the effects and rewards are high. Thousands have already trusted RULA to support them on their journey toward improved mental health and overall wellbeing. Head on over to rula.com slash Ian, I-A-N, to get started today. They ask you where you heard about them. So say you heard from our show,

Be an Ian with Jordan, give us some support for the show and tell them that our show sent you. That's rula, R-U-L-A dot com slash I-A-N. Take the first step towards better mental health today. You deserve quality care from someone who cares. Enjoy the rest of the show. Did you do the European tour? I postponed it.

Okay. Yeah. But I do that where I'm just like, I got to move. I mean, I would love living in LA for a time. I just couldn't do it for a while. That's what I'm saying. I would go out there for I go out there for 10 to 12 days. I can't leave the cellar. The cellar is. I like it. I enjoy it. I love it. And then I come back and things are great here. But I like getting out of town every once in a while.

I understand. How often do you have 10 to 12 days off, though? Yeah, probably rarely. But that was like real good. This last weekend was my first weekend off since December. And so I was gonna stay in New York. Bobby promised me a gig that fell through, which is kind of why I was staying out there. And it didn't work, so I ended up staying out there anyway.

He's in a movie with Green Day, and they're performing at the Palladium for the scene in the movie with like 3000 people. And they were like, Bobby, it'd be great if you like warmed up the crowd for the shots of the live concert. He goes, no, I don't want to do that. But you know who would be great? Ian Fidance. Pass my name to the band, the producers, everyone like, oh, we like him. Producers knew me like knees in. And then Bobby goes, I'll I just have to talk to Live Nation and go, are you sure you don't want my manager

agent? I know it's easier this way. So he told Live Nation that I wanted four grand to like warm the crowd up in Live Nation. Do it for free. We don't know. We're not doing that. And then he was like, OK, so

I'm going to go back to them with a new number. And I was like, are you sure you don't want like anything? He wants 12 grand. And it just they never got back to him. So because of the trans stuff on Twitter. What? Well, sometimes they look at Twitter to see if you're going to be a problem.

No, and I do slash you are a problem on Twitter. Problem right here. Fourth week, I the everyone on the left hates me. Everyone on the right. Well, that means I'm doing it right. It means no one's safe. That was nice of him to recommend you. It was incredibly nice. It was very kind, very nice.

It didn't happen. And I was kind of grateful for it because it gave me time to like breathe. And like I got a ton of shit done. Walk in the park and go to the diner and be in the swans. Yeah, we know. I go in the park. Yeah, you can always tell someone's not doing great when they list all the things they've accomplished. Yeah, I went on the thing and I went to the store. And they just like they just push him back.

I'm doing great. OK, feeling good. Sure. What? What would you say? Dirty hand. a man with cats. I washed them. Cats and smoke fingers. And poop. Poop, why poop? I'm gonna poop hands.

No. Because he shits his pants every day. He poops all day. He poops all damn day. He goes to the bathroom to poop, he comes out three hours later. What are you doing in there? How are you in there so long?

Your poop's coming out of your body. It's not on my hands, but a few times it has gone up my back. You take your rings off when you wash your hands? No. You ever take them off? Mm-hmm. When he eats too much.

When he eats too much. What? He always is like, I ate too much meat and cheese. I have to take my rings off. And he says it so many times. That's hot, dude. No wonder you're killing it with the ladies. I had too much cheese.

Sometimes, sometimes I have too much salt. My fingers are swollen. I called Jordan, I go, I had too much salt and I can't take my rings off. She goes, put your hands above your head. So I'm walking her in my hotel room like this. Charcuterie board, Ian. Hey.

You just got married? Yeah, I got married in December. In Hawaii. Yeah. Wedding gift. Auto blow. That shirt for you. Thank you. This is for in December in Hawaii. Yeah. Wedding gift. Auto blow shirt for you. Thank you. This is for you and your wife. Yes. No bozos. How was the wedding? Was it crazy?

It was good. Really? Yeah. When's your birthday? May 28th. Happy birthday, buddy. I got you. That's for all of us. That's wheeling and dealing. Why would you buy this? Because they it's a phrase they say on the show. Oh, you say no.

We say bozos. It's like it made me think of them. I like giving people gifts. I got stuff to do after this. Can you just mail that to the studio for us? I'm serious. I got that. We keep running around with a T-shirt. That's my problem.

He's like, why don't you take your T-shirt? I'm like, I have a life to live. I'm a performer. You can't wait till I'm dead and you all realize. We'll put that in the... We'll put that on the... How much you miss me. Fingers crossed, Ian.

We'll put that shirt on the quilt. I'm kidding, Ian. I love you and you're doing great. I'm sorry. We don't want you to move to Los Angeles. I wouldn't mind if it's good for you. I think it'd be great. Yeah, I don't want to move there. I just want to go. We come out there and stay with you. Yes, I will. As Jason. Yeah. Also in this world, you're not living by yourself in an apartment.

I love it there because I'm staying at a friend's house. Rent a car. I don't have any like actual like. Yeah, you'll be in some motel and fucking Encino or something. Yeah, with a dead body floating in the pool. Yeah, I loved it. You're going to be like that lady on Seinfeld, like, don't go out there, Kramer. Is Jason in the same place with the pool? New place with the pool.

Must be nice. You're just. You're not going gonna have the pool. That's the thing, when I go out there, I get a distorted view of what that is. You just move naked into Jason's pool, isn't that crazy? Every morning we jump naked into his pool. I think it's a breach. It's cool.

I'd be so mad if I had a pool and you would just get your butthole in it immediately. I mean, your butthole, I understand what you're saying, your butthole's in it though. Your butthole's in it. I know, I know. Your penis is in it. This is a lot of gall.

That's the vibe over there though, right? It's a lot of gall, sweat all night, sweats all night. He's a fun loving guy. Yeah. Love Jason Ellis. It's the same thing as wearing a fucking bathing suit, you prude. You're in the pool, your shit's in there already.

Yeah, but it's contained. You just have a butt plug in, it's the same thing. Yeah, and then I float. And I'm diving for dildos. Okay, so anyway, I went into the doctor's the same thing. Yeah. And then I float and I'm diving for dildos. OK, so anyway, I went to the doctors and I thought it was a big fat hog. And then the door closes and then they open the door. And it's the hottest woman I've ever seen.

And she's like, hi, I'm really your urology appointment. I was like, OK. All right. And then I took off my pants and underwear and I was like, oh, shit. And that's what she said to. I have a full. It's a lot of bush. I have full bush. No. Full bush had not groomed.

Wow. Because I've been going through a hard time. Like bush down leg. I don't get bush down leg, but beard. Beard. You know what I mean? Like that? Woo.

Yeah, like that? Like if you're, if under there where there was Labia, yeah. You have a soul patch? No, I wish it was a soul patch. It was beard, dude. It was next year. Like a mace player in the early 2000s. It was next year.

You got nacho cheese in it. And then she had to stick her hand in there, but she was like, she was talking to me and she was a little bit like manic and she was just like fucking me with her hand over and over. It was crazy. And I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And she's like grabbing the cyst and pulling on it.

And I'm like, oh, and she's talking to a lady and she's like, it's a centimeter. It's movable. And I'm like, oh, and she's talking to a lady and she's like, it's a centimeter. It's movable. And I was like, I don't know if it's movable. And then I'm up like this. And then she stops and she's talking to me about it. And she's like, it's totally fine. It's just like a normal thing.

It's just a little ball, whatever. But her face is right here in my, like she's talking. And I'm like, I can't, there's no way to close my legs because she's in there the entire, I mean, it was like. I don't know how you do that. Isn't that insane? You have a little system down there. You OK? Totally fine. You're taking out.

No, she said, no, I just got to have a hot lady play with it every couple of months. It was so awful. Speaking of, there's a groin ligament that goes down here. Creates. Yeah. How did it come to fruition? It just is very normal. I had a little bump on my outside of my butthole. Yeah. Like where the calamari is, like where the you know, like the the drum hemorrhoid.

I thought it was. Polyp. Do you need to rub a band to tie it off? Huh? No, it's not out. It's in. It's like great below the skin. It just went away. Wow. Yeah, this is my great dear lip. I think it's throbbing, dude. I'm killing my mom.

Whoo. Play the Jaws theme song right now. Go. Go. So bad. I have lidocaine. Do you want some lidocaine? No, I take pills for it. I just went to the dermatologist and got pills just in case I got one. And he went a good race. Your And he went, a gurus. Your diagnosis is Charles a gurody. The doctor said, do.

Yikes. I guess we're not making out. To find another form of payment, Mr. Foley. Wow. Ow. This is like. Yeah, this is like a weird version of Sesame Street. Yeah. What? Nothing. Just your life.

I hit my elbow. I saw it. Your funny bone. My funny bone. And I'll be there this weekend. Kansas City. What you recall? So your sis is fine, but your vagina is goopy right now. But it was crazy because she was grabbing it and pulling a little. Listen. Yeah. How does that? What do you mean? All the way up here.

I understand. Is it is it is it like out there? Vagina. You go like this. Reach in to the side. And I'm like, there's like a ball there. There's like a weird little ball. Like it's like it feels almost like it feel like the cervix. You would never feel it like anybody who's had sex with me. Oh, you can grab it with feeling. No, I've done with it. So anybody who's had sex with me, I figured you'd be a good guy. I would feel it.

No, I've fucked with it so I can grab her like that. And that's what she was doing. Yeah. That's gross. But it feels, anybody else would be like, that's like a gland or like very, but I was like inspecting and I was like, that's not over there and I was obsessing

and then I kept fucking with it. I did that with my, so on the right side, on the right testicle at the top of the one olive, there's like a little thing. Spring. That is the epididymis. I have chronic epididymitis. It gets swollen and I had to get cortisone shots in my spine.

And if that didn't work, they were gonna have to remove it. But I was playing with that for like two months, like this is something. It's like a spring. And then the doctor was like, nah, it's nothing. Yeah. That's a bit epididymous. Yep.

Wow. Chronic epididymus. Epididymitis. You're a catch. Anyway, real me in, Kev. So your vagina's OK, though. Well, there was a certain point where I was like, bitch, you're going to like hit the G spot here.

Were you? Did it feel all right? Did it feel good? There was a moment where I was like, bro, gas out, late to leave. This is weird. Oh, yeah. She was hot too. She was so hot. She was hot, but she also was like,

you know how doctors usually are like gross and kind of slow with their movements and like super queasy? She was like, and I was like, oh my, like she was almost like aggressive in a way. It was crazy. Show us on Kevin. I didn't shave, but all right. If you guys insist, dude, it was I'll show you my cyst. Yeah, that's a lot. I get freaked out in those.

I'm going to doctor's appointments with my wife, who's pregnant and a lot of legs open kind of stuff. And it's just for my wife who's pregnant and a lot of legs open kind of stuff. And it's just not my it's a it's a lot. You're just having every time thing at the Vagina. It depends. There's a lot of doctors you got to go to a lot of things. And it's just a lot of checking stuff out. And I'm huh. They're looking at every catch you by surprise. They're looking in there.

They're looking in there? Did that ever catch you by surprise? They're looking in there. Well, they're not like, hello, hello, hello, hello. They're making eye rolls. Hey, I'm sleeping in here. Why? What are they? They're just checking stuff. I don't know. Listen, I go.

I'm a supportive father. Can you not be so medical when you talk about it? I don't know. They're looking at stuff. Wow. And it grosses you out to see it. It doesn't gross me out. It's just like a lot. I assume if I told my wife, hey, come to the doctor with me and I want you to start wailing on me, she'd be a little taken back as well. You know, what the fuck? This is quick.

You know what I mean? I might be a bit right there. Hey, can you can you hold my hand? Doctors just are just wailing on me. Have you guys had your prostate checked? By a couple people. That's why I'm gonna need a second opinion. Unofficially. That's in his Tinder bio.

Have you? I have, yeah. I had a swollen prostate for a while. Jeez. I had prostatitis. Man, you got a lot of ituses, dude. It's when your prostate swells and it And you got a lot of ideas. It's when your prostate swells and it makes you pee a lot. No, you wish. No, it just gets that way.

I wish very much not. I wish it would all go away. What is your wish for me? Here's what I wish. Like a like a a lady who's in marketing. But like, it's not what he likes, though. Sounds so boring. Like a guy, a guy who's in marketing.

A guy who's in marketing, that's fine. Oh, and his name's Chrisley. A lady who works for like an app that like. Why are you describing the most boring sounding people? OK, OK. how about a... He's a punk rock guy, he's a rock and roll kid, let him have his fun. He's 42! He doesn't play music!

I'm in my 40s, whammy ball! That is weird. Just because you tell stage jokes on stage holding the mic like this, that doesn't make you a rock star. That is weird that you don't sing or play guitar or anything like that. Yeah, it's funny you say that. He's a poser. In Salt Lake City, Utah, April 4th and 5th, I am singing vocals on a band's track for their new album,

Spent, Shout Out, Great Salt Lake City Hardcore, and I sang vocals on a United Kingdom Manchester band going off on their album. So I'm singing more. Okay. All right, I got nothing on that. Yeah. More at 11. What say you?

Going around harassing every band you're going to. I could sing a little bit. I have not harassed anyone. They asked me and I did ask one friend. They said they were busy. I did call 30 hearing I Wish I could play guitar. I used to can't really remember anything but the beginning to songs What about like a veterinarian? Yeah, what about a bartender or something? Bartender what's wrong with that? I'm a fucking alcoholic in recovery. I don't want to be around that

Guy relax I'm a fucking alcoholic in recovery. I don't want to be around that. I don't want to have someone coming home. Hey, guy, relax. I stay great. Do you date ladies that drink? I try not to. OK. I don't want to. What about somebody who works in recovery? Yeah, I got a lot of friends in recovery. Yeah, right. What about an MSW?

What about a therapist? No, I don't need them to fucking figure me out. Somatic therapy, studies the body, tantric even. Tantric lady. All right. Yes. K right. Yes. Kama Sutra is the name Terry Tantric Terry. She's a little stinky, but in a hippie way, not in a crunchy way. Yeah, she's a little crunchy.

Hey, why do you like crunchy? No, this is wicked on the guys at Dorito over here. I'm crunchy enough, Henry. No, it's easy being cheesy. Fucking Chester over here. Start dating Chester, Cheetah. Ian, get out of my asshole, man. Put some pants on.

Every vision of a woman for me from you is so off. OK, what about. I like your taste in ladies? Thank you, Henry. Thank you. He likes his taste in ladies. Oh, yeah. Interesting. You give them money once a month. You know, I buy them things.

I mean, that's crazy. What about somebody who doesn't have to, yeah, get tested every three to five days? What about somebody who? What about somebody who treats you the way you deserve to be treated or somebody that listens to your desires, your needs and wants, who's interested in the things you have to say and doesn't just put you on the back burner and sees you when you want to see them.

What about that for you? I do got to give you that. I didn't even realize that's what you were doing. What? Pretty good. What does that even look like? A guy like you who's like, I love't even realize that's what you were doing. What? Pretty good. What does that even look like? A guy like you who's like, I love you so much, and then you're DMing porn whores all the time? That's not good.

I have no one that I am loyal to, so I can DM whoever I want. Literally every man who's like, I'm all about you, babe. I bought you a necklace. They're all in the DMs being like, I'm all about your ass. Not when I'm in it to win it with one fucking person. I've been there when you were in it to win it with one fucking person and you were snooping around on CAC.

And that was five years ago. When you were in it to win it with somebody it was five years ago. And that was a different time. It was the year 2000. I was 35. I'm 40 now. I was all grown up. I'm all grown up.

You were saying you like me. Please tell me you like me. Remember, I cut you off right before you were about to tell me how cool I am. You were about to tell me you like me, Henry. I love you. I think you're great. Would you be happy if Ian and I dated? I would love that.

You have a house. I could not do it. No, love that. You have a house. I could not do it. No, he's the size of a house. No, with them two I could have deal with. If I had to deal with, I work with the one. I will not be participating. No one asked and I'm going, no, no, no.

Listen, I could not have such a thing. You would have to marry us. No, I'd have to. Dude, to insert. And come on the honeymoon, huh? I already have, you're already in my life. We're in each other's lives too much. We're in each other's lives a lot. Not too much.

And then insert him as balance that out. What? Being around each other. Well, we just so just so we were together all day. Right. And then and then we got in the car and did not speak for 35 minutes on the right over here. Oh, yeah. That's great. No, what I was going to say is you care about him, so you want him to have something safe and something good.

I want a girl that doesn't have borderline personality disorder. I mean, we all have it. We all have it. We're all crazy. I just want a girl who's not going to flip her lid on him and then go around to the world and say that he's an abuser or some shit.

What I was going to say. And these crazy whores be doing that. They're dangerous. You both want these things for each other. But yet you both are attracted or are involved in things that are tumultuous and all that kind of stuff. That's what we're here to do. We're here to break ourselves.

So what are we supposed to do? On the planet? Yeah. In the world? You wanna have some, what I'm saying is you each want the other to have like the perfect relationship. Yes. But both of you are not in perfect relationships. Yeah. Right. That's just human nature.

That's the way we are. You're in a good one. I wouldn't say that. That's a big jump. You don't really know him too well, do you? That's good. It's tumultuous. I'm crazy, too. OK, OK. Yes. All right. These are the two craziest people you ever.

What the fuck craziest people you ever Friends cuz we're all level-headed you think I'm going home and cutting the grass and making dinner and all that stuff Collectively got all I didn't even get shocked and I feel it. I think if Foley could jump, he would have jumped. I know, I haven't moved once. He's like, what? I'll take the electrocution. I'm not moving.

That's just putting his heart back in rhythm. I feel like a million bucks. He just saved me a trip to the cardiologist. I can skip my resuva statin for the month. You did a full cartoon. There's a cartoon. You get like outward, you wipe with it. High five. That was feels like a wand or something.

That really was a whoosh. Just everyone. Yeah, we're all crazy. Very much. That makes me feel better. And I think everybody is. I thought you were preparing steaks. You show me a perfect relationship and I'll show you one that is not. Hey, Hamlet, shut up.

Did you say ham? Talking honey bake? Hamlet a small ham? Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me a sandwich. You thought he was going home and cooking steaks? Yeah. Sherman, let me a sandwich. You thought he was going home and cooking steaks? Yeah, I do. He's eating out of the trash. Why if you're going to doctor's appointment?

Yeah, that's I mean, OK. You just went to a doctor's appointment. I almost thought a guy is Sherman Williams the other day. I've gotten in a screaming match with you. What are we talking about? Me and you have been in a verbal argument in a place of work. There are people just that just slowly back away from us and people are just like, ooooh. I mean normal isn't.

What happened in Sherwin-Williams? This fat guy was not helping me. This guy was really giving me fucking attitude. We had dinner reservations. Egg shell white. Boom. I picked it out for you. I'll be in the car. I'm gonna go order. Get some apps on the table at least. You're gonna be here all night. He's crazy. I'm going to go order, get some apps on the table at least. You're going to be here all night.

He's crazy. You got in a fight with a guy? I did it. He wasn't helping me. I'm in there. We're painting the fucking nursery in the house. I mean, we're picking 30 different colors of blue. I don't really give a shit. It's like China silk. It's a good blue. Blue is like blue azul blue is something like that.

Blue is a little blue. Blue. Spanish. Gracias. Thank you. Gracias. Whatever. And he just was being a fucking cocksucker when I walked in there.

He was just being rude. He didn't say hello or anything. And then he was like making me read the numbers to him because he didn't want to waddle his fat ass back around the counter to pick up the chips that I had left there. So I was like, all right, it's number the two whites were decided. I'm like, it's number 5643 and 5642. And he goes one at a time. And I was like, now my that's what sets me off. And my wife knows that. And the only thing that I, if I think of I was alone, it would have been a thing, but she started laughing and then that makes me go,

like she's like pissing her pants laughing. Cause she knows she's like, this is his nightmare. So then her laughing, I get to see myself of like, oh, you're act, you're about to act like a fucking- And you did it? Cartoon. And I did it. I just pulled back. See that's what I want. I passed some requests and was like, you're welcome.

And I think I said, I don't work here. I want someone- That's work here. I want someone. That was fair enough, assertive. I want someone to like soothe me and calm me down when I start to get wound up like that. I asked a guy to go outside the other day. I was like, let's fucking go outside. Why, who?

And it was this guy, I had Coyote with me, and he was like, you can't have a dog in here. And I was like, she's service. And then he like muttered something. She's in in here. And I was like, she's service. And then he like muttered something. She's literally like a tiny little. Jordan starts doing this. She just got back from Iraq. You look like a handsome man.

But the dog shit pisses me off because like, why do you care? I'm in. I was like standing there for four seconds and people just find a way to be like, no, and she's freaking. What was it? What kind of building was it? It was a dog park playground. Oh. And I went into the indoor space to go get Jake and my other opener and be like, let's go, boys.

And I just went in to be like, I'm ready to go. And he was like, and I was like, what'd you say? I'm sorry. And he goes, he goes, what? What? What? And gets in my face like that and has this big beer. And I almost punched the beer. And then Jake taps me and I like settle back down. I was like, hey, why don't we, we should, we should talk outside. You wanna talk outside?

And he was like, no. And the boys were like, Jordan, stop doing this. Stop doing this. And I was like, no, no, no, we should have a chat. Just you and me, let's step outside. And then we got outside and Jake was like, what are you thinking is going to happen? And why are you giving like an old timey like-

Yeah, seriously, you're not gonna get hit and they're gonna suffer the consequences. I know, I know, but you can't stop it. You black out. And those two little guys need to get on each other's shoulders. I was going to utilize all the boxing. I was going to. I had a whole idea. Yeah, she could throw hands.

He just looks funny with your hair all up like that. Yikes. Dude, I met Krusty the clown. I met Krusty the clown at Universal Studios, and I totally reverted back to childhood and I swear to God I went I'm a stand-up comedian too and then I hugged him Somebody get this freak off of me. Hey kid, I'm not real. Oh My god, it's just like a 16 year old in there. Yeah, it's a Mexican guy No, no, no.

Blue is all. You guys are blue. You guys are quick as fuck. Oh, fuck. Yeah, whatever. That's crazy that you did that. Did the girl that you were fucking see that? Oh, yeah, she thought it was cute. Really? She likes that you hugged Cresty the crab.

Cresty the crab. Cresty the crab. Why is his name Cresty Crab and it's Cresty the clown? No, she gets she's also been molested. Oh, OK, OK, OK. Did you trauma bond, molest bond? I'm kidding. I said it for a joke. OK, I apologize. Hey, guy, relax.

Take it easy. Put the taser down, man. I'm not the fucking Sherman Williams. Just asked you a question. Fucking copping a dude with me? You might be here, and you fucking cop a dude with me? I'll have Jordygross so I can kick the shit out of you. Ha ha ha ha. I didn't know you had the rage thing, that's good.

Oh no, it's very, oh like. On planes, you ever get on planes? Yeah, yeah, the same thing, like, guy there's nowhere to go, like to stand and I, yeah, that's all, yeah, it's nuts. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get super angry on planes. Sometimes a stewardess,

sometimes it'll be a full stewardess fight. I don't do that at all. I get super angry on planes sometimes the stewardess sometimes I'll be a full stewardess fight. I Don't do that at all Yeah, no, it's just like other at work I haven't been molested Shaking you awake to put your that is that ever happened? I don't really sleep on planes when I do it. He's we fly next to each other. It's not a good and you're sleeping on his chest. Now I like I start. I start like open mouth snoring real quick.

I don't sleep that much. But wait, why do they wake up for dinner? What? No, her dog's going crazy. Yeah, her dog's fucking biting someone. I don't wake you up for dinner. The air marshal has drawn down. Man, your dog's biting a child's face off. They always wake you up for dinner, man. Excuse me, man. The air marshal has drawn them. Man, your dog's biting a child's face off. They always wake me up for dinner.

One time, yeah. I know I'll lose it if I wake up. Yeah, because you have a sign on your seat. Please wake me up for dinner. If you walk by me, I'll fucking crash this plane. I have it written on a T-shirt, like, do not resuscitate. I'll have the chicken. It's written on my chest. And his as well.

It's an arrow point to me. You have a big necklace with your food allergies on it. Coaster meal please. They always walk past me. Wait, you'll fall asleep on the plane and the dog will be running around? No, she sleeps too. Oh, okay. So why do do they wake you up? Cuz my seats back or whatever the fuck Listen, I also have a rule for you. There's a set of this is a society. You're a What do you think about this riddle me this you're in zone one? Yeah, the whole you diamond medallion. I don't yeah

All right, and I'm you're not yeah, I am diamond what I'm your diamond. Yes Well't. Yeah, say it. Say it. All right, diamond. You're not. Yeah, I am diamond. You're diamond? Yes, idiot. Well then I need something higher than that. Me too, me too, me too. No, but don't show us. Flu Delta One today. What about this, you get late, you get,

you flew Delta One, they upgraded you? Hell yeah, dude, that's sick. That's why you're in a good mood. Okay, and then they go, and you show up late, and they've already started boarding. Do you jump the line? Are you listening? Showing up late is insane.

We're like the first. Yeah, we don't do that. People on the plane. Yeah, we're we're regimented. We travel like she's saying if like she's zone one, but she gets there when they're doing zone five, she'll just go. But here's the thing. If there's is there the the carousel, is there the lanes for zone one? Still, there's a lane, but everybody just go straight out. But here's the thing, is there the lane for zone one still? There's a lane, but everybody started to kind of feel...

Nobody really uses... There's sky priority lane. If there's sky priority, you're allowed to do that. If that's sky priority lane, the rule, in my understanding, you don't have to wait in line. And yes, I will flex that. My rule is I bring a cane. But I got screamed at by a guy.

We got into a huge fight, he's yelling at me, you can't jump the line just because you're a... And then they ended up moving him next to me. Oh. Isn't that brutal? That's no good. That was F-like. It was okay because I made amends. I apologized just like they did with you.

I went, I'm just, hold on, hold on, hold on. Huh? Current status. No fun. Dumb faggot with small pockets. Please don't hurt my family. Shit. Yeah. He's so bad at playing C-Farts and it's like really... No, I'm a faggot with small. Please don't hurt my family.

He's so bad on planes, he farts and it's like really. I couldn't imagine. I get really bad gas on flights. One time we got off airplane force like legitimately about to quit. Yeah, Ethan was like so he was like ratting me out to other people. Dude, he was like in pain. He got off the plane and was like, I don't want to talk. Sometimes I don't want to have really bad gas on flights. I try to get up and go to the bathroom.

Everybody does. It reduces the air pressure. It reduces the air pressure. So how do you deal with it? What you do is you... I fart, but I don't have, I don't eat shit for breakfast. You sneak one out to see if it smells. If it doesn't, have at it.

Do you know... If it does? Dude, I get headaches from looking out the side of my eyes. Like, are they looking? It's bad. And all your friends are bad. I'm lucky I can let one or two go because they're going to suspect him. Oh, yeah. I'm just going to go.

I have the dog. I go, I'm sorry. She's gassy and they hate me. Yeah, no, I'm just like, yeah, I can't even smell that. Disgusting. I shit my pants. So, you know, smell that I shit my pants. Did anybody shit my pants? Somebody shit in my pants. Yeah. It's bad. Did you ever now smell that I shit my pants? Did anybody shit my pants? Maybe somebody shit my pants.

You know what I'm saying? It's bad. You have to deal with your gastrointestinal issues. I know, well, it was really bad in LA because I was, you know, hanging. What are those boots? I know. Those are the,

I told him to get them because he was wearing faggy. It looks like a castanza when he goes to the wedding. I wore her boots and she said I looked, I looked hot, taller, so I went out and bought these. Immediately. Immediately. Those are like soldier boots. They're vans. They're desert. They are. Yeah, they're Vans Gortex.

I call them my Air Afghanistan. Air Dada Vans. Air Benghazi. My Air Iraqi Freedoms. OK, sorry, I derailed. That was the first time I noticed them. It's air Isis. Let's relax. It's pretty good Air Mujahideen. Oh What are you guys Carson that guy just hit you with a fucking cue card, it's great Oh more from Kevin and Henry later That's fucking crazy

Govory's doing this. I mean that was professional. He's letting us know that it's, you guys said you had an out. No, don't hit me with an out. You guys started 20 minutes late. It is funny, every time you hold up the time, we'll go like this.

60 minutes is how long? Wow, that's a good 60, then you drew a really pretty one today. Anyway. Thank you, buddy. Thanks for not. I thought he was gonna do like a stretch. Our next. Anyway. Thank you, buddy. Thanks for not. I thought you were going to do like a stretch. Our next guest is late or something like that.

Rihanna is stuck in traffic. We'll be right back with Tom Cruise. Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. All right. Any big news? None that's fit to print. God, I wish you would just be open about it. We should just talk about it. I don't like this.

Why not? What's the podcast? It's not your sexcapades. I'm more than my sexcapades. OK, and I'm more than my moms are gay and I'm not. That was like a riddle. That's a, is the. Oh, that's a fun riddle. It's a riddle every day.

We have these couches in the studio, I think. Yeah, something similar. It sounds like you two are doing good. Yeah, it sounds like you guys really got your head screwed on tight over here. A lot of stuff. A little too tight. Grrr. Quick, Tazem. A lot of stuff too tight. All right. Quick, days.

I get the helmet off. Help stop. I'll kill you. I will hit you with this hammer. All right. Yeah, you literally handed me the taser at the beginning. You do it to them. What's that hammer for? Anyway, it's a weird hammer finishing hammer. No, it's a finishing hammer. No. I can't come without it. No, it's a finishing hammer. No

Six inches on my head Jackal a with a woman I come out of my ears You're on the plane with him. Why do you have this? Honestly, my mom found it and I think she left it. I don't know. No, I'm going to hammer it. But I'm going to. Oh, really? She was down here. It's for like Finnish.

I'm going to keep it in my pocket to beat the fuck out of somewhere to try to fuck with me on the street. That's a good weapon, though, because nobody. You're like one of the warriors. Relax. What? They're trying to fuck with me on the street No Did you think he would have drank? I was. Oh, no. You're having a quarter. How much time do we have left? So I'm going to give you a cue card. Where am I at this weekend?

I didn't say name as many as you can think of. Rubik's Cube. I'm on it. Rock and a. What? What of a crossbow, man? What's the thing that David and Goliath use? Crossbow's a good one. Slingshot. Slingshot.

That's what you'd like? I think I would do baseball bat with nails to the end. That's not a slingshot. Wow. That'll get you. I think, in an apocalypse without a gun, wow. I would do a... Poison bomb. What are those called? That's not a thing. Wow. I would do a poison bomb. What are those called? That's not a thing.

Poison. I would do a poison bomb. What are they? Get you with my hammer gun. What are those things called? Snake bomb. Stink bombs, smoke bombs, smoke bombs. But the ones that hurt your eyes. A flashbang. Yeah, flash. Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas. I would do brass knuckles on this hand and one I said Donatello's bo staff

No bo staff is a thing bo stuff is a sword I know a guitar A gun. He's a gun. A guitar. And when I play an E chord in Fires. Everybody around me dies. That's what I do. I've thought about this a lot because I got that house and I'm like, what can I use to protect myself? It's not a gun because I can't have a gun because I'm wearing it. You know what I mean? You should get a gun.

Every American should have a shotgun and a handgun. I can do shotgun because you can't reach it around. If I was,, they have. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you can pull the trigger with your toe. She did kill him. Anyway, go ahead. You were going. Continue, please. Anyway, what was that? The fat one had something to say.

The really fat one had something to say. More conspiracy theories right after this. What would you use? What? If I was fighting the Foot Clan? What are you talking about? Let's say you're in a subway. All right, who you got to fight? Bebop, Rocksteady.

Do you have an alarm at the house? Not yet. You get on that. Yeah. Do you have an alarm at the house? Not yet. You get on that. Yeah, yeah. You bet. I'm all cammed up and I. You better check for squatters. I'm so worried to see a boogie. I know, but I lay out. I lay in before I go to.

I'm fucking people. So scared there's going to be one that's like that. And it's a face. Yeah, but then you're at least going like it's all. The supernatural or actual things. Both. Yeah, I'm afraid that's what scares me now. Really? I'm scared of the supernatural. Oh, yeah. If I saw like a witch or something or like a banshee.

That and cardio. Oh, my God. It's a vegetable. Don't touch this stuff, please. It gave you a roadie. It's a treadmill. Please. Icky. Garoti. It's a treadmill. A low-cal diet? No! He's like, I won't touch the Ouija board, it's just a salad.

I had a dream last night that a kettlebell was chasing me. Why don't you do a Zempik? I tried. He did. This is also so cute. It's everybody that gets like close to. Yeah, it's like, oh, he's sweet. He should lose weight. Why don't you try a salad? It's like you are.

It's like way bigger. You're fighting demons and demons and demons. I tried to pick it didn't make me too sick. Did you eat through the sick a little bit? You want to know the truth? So you were not. I was epic needed a hammer and a snake bomb. I think needed a snake for the.

The I.B. does. I think it was epic was like, whoa, man, that is not fun. Oh, am I getting paid overtime? 21-7 in the fourth quarter. Zempik quitting is just eating his feelings. I'm never going back there. You don't know what I saw, man. That's fucked up. Was Zempik just sitting at a bar?

How was your day? You don't wanna hear about it. So you were barf? Huh? Were you barfing? A little bit, yeah, but it was mostly like just bad diarrhea and it just sat in my stomach and rotted. What did the ozempic or the diarrhea? The food.

It slid, it slowed down. I just had a bad reaction to it. So you were just eating through it and it would just rot? I was eating less, but it was, it just, it slowed down my digestion so bad, which that happens to some people. It slows it down really bad. Right. And it really affected me.

Like I felt tired all the time and like just bad. I did it once for like four months and I lost like 60 pounds. And then I went off of it. And then when I got back on it, it just didn't. It wasn't taken. It just didn't work. And it just off of it the first time because it was hurting you. No, I got off of it. We went to Ireland and I knew I was going

to be bringing with you. No, he wanted to get fucked up and eat potatoes because it doesn't. You can't really get all fucked up. Oh, you can't feel fun. He's also an alcoholic. Yeah, I'm alcohol. He's not throwing kids in shade and drug addict. Oops. Among us. Can't you drink?

I know Zempik. Not really. Not the way I like to. Why? Because you get nauseous. Yeah. And it's just yeah. It like takes it like takes away your superpowers. Wow. If your superpowers are being a piece of shit. Yeah. Wow. It's a bird. Buffet man.

I love how you say that to normal people like I haven't took away your superpowers, like people that don't spend every day with you and also aren't fat. Don't worry, folks, I'll take care of these crab legs. You go to a phone booth, you come out just a bib. He's already stained on his shirt. So you could go to Ireland so that you could get fatter. Yeah, that's about the rub of it.

His weapon belt is forks. Anybody else is like, I'm going to do it while I'm on vacation, so I don't overeat. But you're like, then how will people know that I'm so strong? How will he paint his masterpiece? Which we did. It was pretty good. It was a crazy, crazy day. Crazy couple of days. OK, cool. What about intermittent fasting?

What about it? You shut your whole mouth. Hey, shut up. What about not being a bitch? I tried everything. I think you'll play with your pal up or whatever you got. Tug on your sister. Tug on your body.

Your sister. The bumpy broad sure has a mouth on her. Talking to my friend like that. And take it easy lumpy way. Bitch, go tug a lump. Would you know I'm on something? I just started on something now. my friend like that. And take it easy, lumpy. Hey, bitch, go tug a lump, would you? No, I'm on something. I just started on something now.

Corn syrup. High fructose. I'm on a... Wild cherry Pepsi. Wild cherry Pepsi's so good. Yeah, it's the best. It's the best. It's so good.

It's so good. That's why I got all those empty. Mine's so good. Yeah, it's the best. It's so good. That's why I got all those. Whoo wee. Man, if everybody could do as good a job as Wild Terry Pepsi, this world would be in a whole lot better place. That shit hits. Oh, it's like a cream soda. Ian wouldn't have to move to LA.

I'd be happy here. Ian, are you moving now? Wild Terry Pepsi. He'd just happy here. You know, you move it now. While you're Pepsi, you just look over. You got that. I'm on something now. Now, Trox on. I'm on. I was on that. Holy shit. Yeah.

I went on that for my alcoholism. Yeah. It saved my life. Yeah. I'm on a fix or two, which is great. I'm on effects as well. You are jammed up. Oh, boy. Let life. Yeah, I'm on a effect sword too, which is great. I'm on effects Let me be honest, buddy, you're a lot of trouble Come on that finishing hammer Wow They could be saving my life they could could be chemo and I mean, get me off of it. The effects are great.

The naltrexone takes a while to work. That's like an anti-opioid thing. Naltrexone basically gets rid of your craving and obsession for the thing. Yes. And are you are you finding results with it? I'm starting to. I'm starting to. That takes a while to get in.

But the effects are really hit me right away, which is great. Yeah. With anxiety or depression? Both. You name it, sister. This guy's fucked up. Pick a card, lady.

I took an infection and made me sweat a lot, and so I had to get certain dry. Remember certain dry? Certain dry? Remember certain dry? Yeah, it was prescription. It was as seen on TV, deodorant. I don't think deodorant's my problem.

But I'll have a bite if you have some. Hey! I'm hoping you overdose. Woo hoo! No, it was like you'd put it on because I'd sweat through my clothes and then it gave me these hard calluses on my armpits. Hard, like you'd put it on because I'd sweat through my clothes and then it gave me these hard calluses on my on my armpits Hard like you could tap it

On your body as a lump fucking hot tea Like skin tags, I got plenty of them. OK, lovely lady lumps over here. OK, I know we're here with Royalty Fergie in the black. My sister brings all the boys to the yard. Fully in the four. I get it. Fuck. I fucked it up. Lumpy in the four. I gay. Black guy for I for I'd freak out of something. I don't know. I'm supposed to fit podcast.

We're working on lumpy in the black guy. Lover. How about that? We got to go. We got to run. Jesus. Jesus. What do you want the people to get eyes on?

Phyllis. Good. My ass. Somebody take up. Is there a doctor in the house? people to get eyes on, fellas. Slap in my asshole. Somebody take up. Is there a doctor in the house? We're we're in the back on the block tour right now. We have a once this come out two weeks. OK, so we're off the road next Wednesday. No, we're good. Are we?

Yeah. Cleveland. There's some tickets left in Cleveland, some tickets left in Pittsburgh. Yeah. In the middle of April. And then we're announcing the fall dates soon. And then the the Route 66 tour on YouTube. We have a new special on Route 66. Amazing. They're on YouTube called Route 66, which we're very proud of. And yeah, we love you guys. And this is great. Congratulations on everything.

And thank you for having us. Thank you. Always love you guys so much. Thank you, buddy. Yeah. We mean it. Hey, I'm not going to be an EMPOD. Ian finance dot com for all my dates, April 4th and 5th. So like saying about you. Oh, good for you.

Man, you got to stop. Punch up dot live, Jordan Jensen. Goodbye. I think so scared. These guys are bonkos.