Bein' Ian With Jordan - Fart Carnival W/Brendan Sagalow & Mike Cannon | Bein' Ian with Jordan #186

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

Den faves Sagdaddy & The Cannon join Ian to talk about Ian's latest fight-fight in Austin, their the best action movies, & they get into some pretty dark personal stuff at the end, which you guys love.... Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Get 25% off all mattresses PLUS an extra $50 off with code SKA at http://Leesa.com -Use code ska50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year at http://FactorMeals.com/ska50off -Chubbies is here to help keep you comfy & looking good year-round. Get 20% off with code ska at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/ska #chubbiespod Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Brendan! https://instagram.com/brendansagalow Follow Mike! https://instagram.com/immikecannon Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:01 Telling jokes and having smokes riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being in Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being in
Starting point is 00:00:24 Being in And life is shit which are positive Let's find out what it's like to live Aligh Being Ian With Jordan Smacked in the dick Not slammed
Starting point is 00:00:44 Have you ever been slapped Surprisingly Yeah Yeah A plastic rod Like Like glancing in your dick Maybe
Starting point is 00:00:52 I knocked the guy out in Austin And the noisy made was Oh It was fucking great You fought somebody You fought someone? Yeah Are we going
Starting point is 00:01:01 Are we recording? Why did you fight somebody? I love how you say that and are now playing too much. Yeah. You look cool, though. It is cool. He's like combing.
Starting point is 00:01:09 You look good, dude. I like the, where you're, the fresh out of non-low. You mean it? Leave the hat on. I look good when my hair is normal. You look like you own a theater.
Starting point is 00:01:21 Thank you. You look like you're like, yeah, you know, hot mulligan was here last night. You look like you're behind Forrest Gump in line to talk outside of the monument. I always saw that movie.
Starting point is 00:01:34 once a couple years ago. Oh, the Vietnam thing. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. That was very nice to you. Thank you, Brendan. You look good. I've been telling you that a lot.
Starting point is 00:01:43 Yeah, I appreciate that. I feel good. I just like it looks, yeah, you look healthy. Your hair looks healthy. Your beard looks healthy. Thanks, man. Now, tell us why you fought someone recently. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:52 Because he said I didn't look good. He said, Ian, I don't know if I liked that beard. I said, motherfucker, you go on. Eat this muggle sandwich. Tell us what happens. Well, welcome to. a brand spank a new episode of B and Ian with Jordan. Jordan is on assignment somewhere in the world holding it down in the Delaware
Starting point is 00:02:12 den with my two pals Brendan Sagalow and Mike Cannon. Thank you. From Far Carnival. From Far Carnival. The new podcast, taking the world by storm. Storm it's taking. Yes. And when you have guessed,
Starting point is 00:02:26 you call them Carnival Barkers? That's good. We will once we have, but I don't think we're ever going to have. Oh, it's just you too. We kind of decided we don't want to do that, but I'm sure we'll slide into that. At some point, one of us will be hanging out with another person
Starting point is 00:02:39 and we'll be going to the podcast. I'm going to just do the podcast. Well, I have big changes for this podcast. I think we're going to get a big studio. We're going to make a fucking thing out of it. You know what I mean? Where are you going to build the studio? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:02:53 We've discussed it as a lot. Live updates here with Fart Carnival. Are we in the future. We have a studio, but I've had some ideas. Like, we should get like, we can make. I don't make that studio look a little bit better. But anyway, so... Where'd the name come from?
Starting point is 00:03:09 Fort Carnival. You know what? You know what we didn't think of? Yeah, it was. You know what we didn't think of when we were like, let's just call it farc carnival? The amount of people that are going to ask about it. Yeah, it really didn't dawn on us that...
Starting point is 00:03:21 Oh, sorry. You got a text message. Oh, yeah. Is that Jordan? Tell me if she can't make it. It's a milady. Oh, you have a new lady, right? I have a new lady.
Starting point is 00:03:29 Does she know you're fighting people in Austin? She thought it was hot. Let's bring it back. What, why did you fight? Was it outside the creek? Was it the same guy Lewis squared up with? Dude, the funny thing about that. I, no, this happened.
Starting point is 00:03:42 I did a weekend at Cap City and we all said it's your microphone. Oh, yeah, yeah, I used to each my beer. Remind me to never go after you at a comedy. Holy shit. Someone goes, hey, Brendan, do you want to follow Ian? That's the only way you're unfollowable. She's become a undeniable, baby.
Starting point is 00:04:02 He's become a denial of, Deniable because no one wants to touch the microphone. Because people deny. Nobody wants to follow Ian. Because he touched the microphone last. Is he that good? In a way. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:15 Yeah, no, I did a, uh, I did. You don't do that. If you get a niche, you just do that. I do. It feels good. Scratch yourself at the mic. Oh, you have a comb right there, though. That would have, that's probably does it better.
Starting point is 00:04:26 Mike is like several combs, though. Yeah, it feels good. A bunch of combs wrapped into one. It's very, my. level of autism, it's very tactile. I like touch, like a lot. Like, I have to be touching something all the time. Or like, that's how you got into this situation.
Starting point is 00:04:41 How I was. Because you touch a lot. That's what got you in this predicament. Get it? The fight. No, I don't know. Just, I mean, like, your life. You know, I was just trying to do plugs.
Starting point is 00:04:56 Let's do plugs. I'm going all over. I got a lot of fun stuff coming up. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race ya. I'm Ian Fidance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country
Starting point is 00:05:13 doing stand-up comedy, and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy every other Tuesday, produced by YMH. I got a rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see ya out there. How long you've been working here? Ian doing odd guy doing odd jobs.
Starting point is 00:05:48 Email Ian Finance 666 at gmail.com. If you are in a town, I'm stopping off in. You got a cool job. You want me to come do it with you. YouTube.com slash Ian Finance Comedy. Show's great. Thank you for all the wonderful feedback. I'm glad you guys are digging it.
Starting point is 00:06:03 We have so many fun things coming last night. I went and saw Haywire and Dropkick Murphys in Jersey. Oh, nice. And I did merch with Haywire. And we shot like a commercial with Dropkick Murphys. for their new split with Haywire to come out when the episode comes out. So it's, I'm out of the best.
Starting point is 00:06:20 Yeah, I sang gang vocals with Hayprey. It was so cool. And was someone so mad that they fought you? No, we're not, I'm intentionally not going to tell it just to get to you. Oh, and this weekend I'm going to be an oyster farmer in Portland, Maine. That's exciting. I love it. People can buy, can people buy this time a year?
Starting point is 00:06:39 Is that when it is? Like, I don't know anything about it. It's a little offseat. They do oyster. farming, but it's not the big booming season. Right. So it's just a job. I was going to do that, or we were going to do lobster fishing, but we couldn't
Starting point is 00:06:51 get a hold of the lobster boat. You should definitely do ice fishing. Ice fishing is more of like a hobby than like a job, I think. So like I'm doing jobs. I think you'd say that to one guy who'd be very upset. Yeah, he'd be like, oh, it's how I feed my family. Walter, you go, oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:07 From grumpy old men. They loved ice fishing. You are doing jobs that people have to do. and you're like, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. This loser. I'm cleaning chimneys.
Starting point is 00:07:20 Wouldn't it be funny if I had to work? Thank God I'm done with this. Imagine me with what a year job? You go, what a joke. I work at McDonald's. I have five kids and I live in a single room apartment. All right. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Starting point is 00:07:46 Let's go shower to love's rest up. I'm going to get this stink off me. No, I love it. I worked a million jobs growing up. I love meeting people talking to people. And it's great because it gives shine to the business that I'm working at. So I just did fluff, you're a regular dog group at a pizza place.
Starting point is 00:08:02 No, fuck that guy. I'm not a mean jerk. It's on wax. Put it on wax. Yeah, put it on that wax. Get them. No, I, like I just did fluff butts, dog grooming. They came to YMH and I groomed a dog and a cat.
Starting point is 00:08:17 And they're like a great small business dog grooming place. And now I'm hoping people will know about and go and support their business. That is cool. Do you pay, um, yeah, it is cool. It is cool. Do you, when you do that, do you pay for the, the dog? Like if you're grooming a dog and someone's bringing their dog in, are you paying for that groom?
Starting point is 00:08:37 It was the, so one of the girls at YMH, shout out Niana. She, who's the field producer for the show, you're doing great. She brought her cat. And then one of the girls, it's a dog groomer, shout out, Allie, they brought her grandmoms dog. So it's like, like, when I cut hair in Rochester, it was like a friend of my buddy likes who's, who wanted to get. They gave you an animal. They wouldn't mind if it died. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:09:02 Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, yeah. I cut hair in Rochester and I was supposed to do like a number three on top and a little cut around the side. It took two hours and I ended up just having to shave his head. Really? You know, that is funny. When I'm watching someone cut my hair,
Starting point is 00:09:19 I've done it so many times over the years. Do you ever go like, I think I could do this by now? Totally. Yeah, I can. But I mean, that's kind of like a part of the show of like, people look at these jobs and they're like, oh, you're working a pizza job. Okay.
Starting point is 00:09:31 And it's like, dude, it's like a lot of hard work. Like, yeah, it can be monotonous. You know what your show is? You have to be legitimately skilled. It's daytime insomniac. That's your show. It is. It's daytime insomniac.
Starting point is 00:09:42 You should actually end every episode. by going into a comedy club. You know how he started every episode? Every, every episode, thank you for watching the show because you obviously don't know this, but every episode has stand-up in it. Oh, okay, great.
Starting point is 00:09:53 So it starts out with me talking about the job. I didn't know it was out. You've got to do better promotion. And so I have sent it to your friends. I don't want to bother people. Help me with this. That's great. Every episode has a, does it start with you being in it?
Starting point is 00:10:05 And what do you do for a living? No, no, no. And then you go. It goes into it. It goes, imagine if I did that. Dude-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. No, every episode has stand-up in it.
Starting point is 00:10:34 So it has me... Usually, it's like three clips. It's like an arc that pushes the episode. And so, like, it starts out with me talking about where I am and what I'm going to do. and then it shows. And then like if, if,
Starting point is 00:10:45 like in the last episode with the tattoo job, it started out by being being like, is I even have any cool jobs here? Are there any tattoo shops? And someone was like, yeah, I work here and I was like,
Starting point is 00:10:56 can I tattoo you tomorrow? And then it like goes into the show. This is a great show, dude. I'm so proud of it. At what we suggested. And it is that. And it is that. No,
Starting point is 00:11:05 you was mad because I didn't watch the show. No, no. I was joking. I know you're not. I know you weren't really bad. No, no. And also I don't want to bother people by being like,
Starting point is 00:11:13 Can you post my thing? No, you should, man. Because you never really, it's not like you're doing that for every podcast episode. But it's like, you got this thing, you go, this first episode, I want to make a big deal out of it. I want people to see it. A lot of eyes. Yeah. Can you post this?
Starting point is 00:11:26 Like, help me, blah, blah, blah. Chipping a part of your promotion. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. Episodes every other Tuesday. We got four episodes out. It's, it's great. I'm so stoked. And why am I just like super behind it?
Starting point is 00:11:42 It's, I don't know. if we're going to do seasons, but, dude, I've been shooting it for the past year. Yeah. So I have a bunch in the can. I have so many in the can and I keep filming jobs. So, like, dude, I did security at the comedy mothership.
Starting point is 00:11:56 Whoa. Yeah. So I wore, you know, I wore a tactical gear. I had an American flag with a spear. You're perfect for this too. It was great, dude. You got a lot of, you got good energy for this show.
Starting point is 00:12:07 I appreciate it. It's so fun. But the goal is I want to bring, like, you guys to come and do, like, ice fishing. Right. Or, like, have friends on. Just kidding. Well, you probably shouldn't. You do every time you sleep. And tie your shoes.
Starting point is 00:12:25 No, but I would love to take friends of mine in comics to like do it. Like I just did, I was a pit boss of Terry Blacks in Austin. Oh, that's cool. That's awesome. It's just like stuff like this. Is that the outdoor thing where they're moving the meat down the, yeah, yeah. Dude, that whole thing is unbelievable. I ask that guy how much weight he loses every day.
Starting point is 00:12:42 and he's like, I've never done it before and after, but it's got to be in the teens to 20. Whoa. Because they go through shirt after shirt. They're standing in front of just the hottest ovens ever. All the meat, they're constantly lifting. And, dude, it's 24 hours. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:55 They have guys in shifts at night. Jesus fucking. They look like the guys that work in the bowels of the Titanic. You know, the dudes that had to dive under the door. They're literally like that sweaty, that covered in charcoal. It's fucking nuts. Well, I didn't know. There's a thing called, um, for dog grooming. It's called grooming long.
Starting point is 00:13:12 where you get dog hair goes in your lungs. And I thought it was where your voice, you lose your voice from yelling at boys trying to get them into your car. Did you say that on the episode? And it went a lot better. Dude, it'll be great. When we put that episode out,
Starting point is 00:13:32 we'll clip this and put it on the thing. It'll be fantastic. Now you're thinking. No, but it's great. The stand up like pushes the narrative. It's really fun. And it's forcing me to like talk about this shit on stage. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:45 Well, I was coming up with the jobs. I was. You go. So I was putting out just on my Instagram stories, hey, I'm going to be here who is a fun job. Hit me up. And I have this email address. People would hit me up. I mentioned it on podcasts.
Starting point is 00:13:59 And then I booked out all that. I was doing it all myself and paying for it all out of pocket. Patrick Holbert is, do you guys know him? He's a great comic. He opens for me on the road now. And he's my videographer. for Red Stallion Media out of Portland, Maine. They're my editor.
Starting point is 00:14:14 So signing with YMH, I retained like my crew. But going down to Austin and having like everyone at YMH help out was like huge. So I think I'm going to go to Austin more and we're just going to drive and do like jobs all over Dallas. More fights.
Starting point is 00:14:32 More, more. More fights. Let's talk about that, please. And we'll get back to it. Let's have your show be the through line because I do want as much, much exposure as possible for it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:43 Even though I'm sure you've been plugging it on your own podcast, but it's, I haven't seen anything from it. You should be the, like, the producer of your show. Like, if you're doing these jobs, you should see what it's like to be, uh, the producer. I don't want to blow my head off. I don't want to watch me more than I have to already in my own day. That would be fun though if, if then you would have to have James be you. Like, so he, you switch spots, but he has.
Starting point is 00:15:10 to go fully. A Freaky Friday. Nobody likes it when he talks on a show. Not a single person. They're going to tune out right now. Oh, yeah. So I was in Austin, did Cap City,
Starting point is 00:15:23 and I had my two, God bless you, idiot lifelong best friends with me. They came down for the weekend. And there's just a couple dirty Delaware doozies out on the town in Austin. And we all met up at Mitzies. And then we went to some other bar.
Starting point is 00:15:37 I even forget the name. It was like me, Red Band. A bunch of like mothership comics, other comics hanging out. And we were at this bar and I went to the bathroom and some guy apparently because I came back and I everybody looked like they just saw like a ghost. And some guy went up to this Jewish comic, this girl or Mash and was like, are you, are you a fucking Jew? She was like, yeah. And he's like, I fucking hate Jews.
Starting point is 00:16:04 I hope you fucking die. Was this? This was in the club? In the bar. Jesus. This was not anything to do. It was just. just like a bunch of comics.
Starting point is 00:16:11 He like, bars after applause. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking nuts. It was crazy. And he kept being like, I hope all Jews fucking die. I'll fucking kill you.
Starting point is 00:16:21 And then like... Is this guy a regular that hangs out? I don't know. He was just some random guy at this bar that everybody usually ends their night at after they're done at like Etsy's and like Sixth Street shit. And it was my buddy Justin's.
Starting point is 00:16:34 He just turned 41 at midnight. So we're like, all right, let's go to another bar or whatever. So we end up here. And I come back from the, the bathroom and everybody's like sullen like dude this just happened and and i was like jesus christ are you all right like do you want me to confront that guy like what is happening who's still there he was still there like in the room he he just he walked away and then sauntered over he was like
Starting point is 00:16:54 is everything okay miss also do you know where the wait room is he goes oh man that's such a bummer would you like me to take care of you do you need some help and support would you like me to take my show off was that guy being mean to you Ian goes over, slips a five in his hand Before yelling at him Hey, listen, have you ever watched wrestling? It's a lot like that. I'm going to slap you in the chest.
Starting point is 00:17:20 Please sell it. He's the guy goes, Ian, I don't, I didn't feel comfortable saying all that stuff. And you go, I'm not paying you to feel comfortable. It's just a scene out of Kingpin Where Woody Haralds his friend, He's like, giving him the money. in the kitchen, she walks in.
Starting point is 00:17:41 He's like, how'd you get in here? You creepy pants? He's just off in his face. So, um, so the, the bartender, someone went and told the bartender, he kicked him out, and then I go outside and everybody comes out. We're smoking cigarettes, and the guy had left. And then he came up and was just, uh... But, I mean, sorry to stop you again, but, like, nobody said anything to this dude.
Starting point is 00:18:08 Like, they were, it was just bad. Everyone in the group was just like, oh, God. Not one dude went over to him and was like, what the fuck was out. And that's when I said, do you want me to like confront him? And she's like, no, no, no. I just, I don't know what to do. Where he was standing and like, he partied and hung out with his friends. It was insane.
Starting point is 00:18:25 Was he alone? So the bartender, there was some guy that he was like with that comes into the story later. So the bartender went, kicked him out and he leaves. And then I go outside and everyone comes outside and we're like, dude, what the fuck and the guy had left and he came back and he comes up he's like yo give me a cigarette I go get the fuck away from me and he was like man
Starting point is 00:18:46 everybody's being an asshole to me I just got kicked out of the bar and red band was like why because you're being a fucking asshole and he goes no because I was telling the truth that all Jews should fucking die Jesus and he started going off again and I was like yo get the fuck out of here and he started like gesticulating and was like I'll kill all fucking Jews and then he looked at me
Starting point is 00:19:06 and goes I bet you're a fucking Jew and I flicker you and I flick my cigarette on. I'm going, yeah, I am a fucking Jew and I just one punch slapped him. Whoa. And dude, the funny... Does that you hear your knuckles? I knew shit was going to pop off so I took all my rings off.
Starting point is 00:19:22 Unsnapped your earrings like a good old. I was tying up my hair. I was tying my hair up like, oh, okay, okay. He's about to go down. So yeah, I took all my rings off. Did that hurt your fist? In the moment, no, but I did ice my knuckles and I think I now have ten
Starting point is 00:19:38 his elbow. But the funniest part, this motherfucker got the last laugh because when he fell asleep on the ground, he passed out in the shape of a swastika. Nice. No, I'll show you the video. And we got a great show for you tonight. Three doors down is here.
Starting point is 00:19:56 What is that from? I just was saying your joke sounded very like late-nighty. You're like, and when he fell to the ground, he looked like a swastika. All right, stick around. We got a great show for you tonight. That's so funny. I do yeah now let me ask you this so we so because everybody knows the bartenders and everything they got all the security footage Do you have the security footage? Oh you got it all scrub? They got it all scrub post the clip they got it all scrub
Starting point is 00:20:19 No I'm not putting that shit online all all I'll show you the video the guy sleeping well can I can I ask like did any part of you either before during or after kind of In your head think that he's having some sort of episode I stood over his body and my entire life flash before my eyes. Yeah. He actually, what was great was when I hit him, he spun and hit a pole,
Starting point is 00:20:47 like his body hit the pole. And then he slumped down and he's lucky. You're lucky. It was just like, uh, if he went fucking back of the head first, you could have killed him.
Starting point is 00:20:55 I know. Yeah. And I didn't realize that until I was over him and was like, what the, dude, what the fuck am I doing? Like, wow,
Starting point is 00:21:02 with great power comes from. Oh, fuck. Yeah. And then, dude, he got up and was like, Like, who hit me? Fuck you. Was it a fucking Muslim?
Starting point is 00:21:12 And then he started, you know, oh, you're not the different racism into him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, where's the Filipino? So he,
Starting point is 00:21:20 dude, he, he got up and was like, who hit me, who hit me? And is kind of like flound around. And then the bouncer came and choked him out.
Starting point is 00:21:28 So then he got knocked down again. Damn, how much abuse can one guy take it? And a bunch of a bunch of Austin. Maybe he's on to something. Ooh. Oh, didn't somebody post this? No.
Starting point is 00:21:42 Because I feel like I saw this. He looks like, I mean, that... Yeah, that's crazy. You're gonna put this on the... No, no, no. So then, so then I go and all the comics that saw it are like, holy shit. And I was like, yeah. New York comics are better than Austin.
Starting point is 00:22:00 This is for Lewis Gomez. Dang, dude. That's hilarious that two of our representatives went to their city and got into a Hey, everybody. A good night's sleep starts with a great mattress. If you know anything about me, I've talked on and on and on about my issues of sleep and I'm waking up in the middle of the night, different hotel rooms, different beds. One thing that helps is, again, having a good mattress. And if you want a good mattress, you're going to need Lisa. It has a lineup of amazing mattresses tailored to how you sleep. Each Lisa mattress is designed with specific sleep positions and preferences in mind.
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Starting point is 00:27:19 Give your thighs of VIP treatment they deserve with Chubbies. Make sure to support the show and tell them B&E with Jordan fans sent you. Chubbies shorts.com promo code SCA. Take a picture of your Chubbies and tag us online. Well, here's the thing. Monday, last Monday night, two Mondays ago, because I was still in town, I went to the mothership, and I walk in in the green room and all these people were like, dude, I heard blah, blah, blah, and like, hugging me like, whoa.
Starting point is 00:27:48 Louis was like, what happened? What? What? And Kim's like, dude, Ian knocked a guy out for being, like, anti-Semitic. He, like, literally knocked out a Nazi. And Lewis was like, no, he didn't. I knocked people out. What do you do you get?
Starting point is 00:27:59 And got, like, upset and was like, he is a little bitch. Punch me. Let me see how hard you punch. I was like, Lewis, relax. And then that night. He went out and was like, I have to fight someone now. Interesting. And then he didn't even fight.
Starting point is 00:28:11 He got kicked twice. It was like, oh, God. But Lewis could have killed that guy if he, like, actually threw a punch. Yeah, I mean, he was also having a psychiatric event. Oh, dude. Yeah. But, oh, the guy. Psychological.
Starting point is 00:28:23 No, Lewis was fine. Lewis was just drunk. You could hear it from his, from. And to Lewis's credit. Like, and dude, go, thank God, there's no fucking video footage of this. I don't want any of this on the fucking internet. I'm not like, like, wow. It's like, I feel like kind of a fool in a way.
Starting point is 00:28:39 Like, I shouldn't have done that. But the guy needs to get dealt with. Yeah. But he did get knocked out by literal Jewish propaganda. So he probably hates Jewish movement. But then I don't think it's going to help him. He's not going to wake up and be like, you know. I learned a lesson.
Starting point is 00:28:51 Yeah. But dude, he, so I go in and my two friends are sitting there hanging out and they didn't know what happened. And I'm like, oh, I got to leave. And they're like, what's up? And I'm like, and I foolishly, I should have been like, I'm tired. But I was like, I just got in a fight. I knocked this guy out.
Starting point is 00:29:05 I got to go. Like, God forbid somebody shows up. And my buddy's like, who? I'll kill him. And I'm like, stop. He runs out. The guy left. He was already down the block.
Starting point is 00:29:16 And my buddy reignites it. He's like, hey, motherfucker. And they're chirping. And I grab my buddy. I'm like, dude, stop, stop. Like, you don't even know what's going on. Stop. He goes, no, no.
Starting point is 00:29:25 I go, you have a family. He goes, fuck my family. I'm going to kill this guy. So God bless Delaware, man. This guy, like, when I grab my friend, the guy, like, grabbed and tried to swing on my buddy. So then a scupling.
Starting point is 00:29:39 The guy tried to swing on my friend. And I didn't know because there was like a scuffle. My buddy had him in a headlock. It was just like Nolan Ryan unloading on his face. And all I saw was a guy grabbing my friend. So I like rear mount him and I'm just like getting him in the fucking kidneys. Where'd you learn that much? Not the first time.
Starting point is 00:29:57 I said it to set you up. And both of us did not deliver. Yeah, we both. We both. I thought it was more. That's funnyer that we looked at each other. I was like, I hope that's what camera.
Starting point is 00:30:09 You do, oh, so then Tommy Pope comes and like, grabs me and yanks me out. And there was, so this guy had a friend. And the friend was like, videotaping and was like,
Starting point is 00:30:21 oh, you all right? Sorry. Have you not heard what I'm capable of? Well, that's, did any part of you also start thinking, Gun? No.
Starting point is 00:30:38 You probably never thought gun. Every altercation I have, I never think gun until I'm back at home. And I'm like, me, could have had a gun. You're right. I didn't even think of that until now. Right. Crazy. So then Tommy's like, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:30:50 Like, you, someone videotapes this. You're fucked. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, you're right. So this, this, he had like a. You're the most recognizable person on a camera, too. Everybody can recognize it. Whatever.
Starting point is 00:31:02 Those are your voice. I mean, my. The cops look at it. They're like, this man's wearing a. Yeah. And you do, today I'm going to be a criminal. Yeah, you're arrested. You're like, that's not me, man.
Starting point is 00:31:11 And then they play the video and go, hey, fuck you, man. Eiffidfinance.com. Yeah. So, uh, so that, so the, the gay guy that he was with was like, leave him alone. Stop it. There was another guy that came up and was like, leave him alone. And I, after I knocked the guy out, this guy comes up, he goes, leave, leave him alone. You guys are hurting him.
Starting point is 00:31:33 And I grab him. I go, you know what the fuck's going on. And then. Someone was like, I think Brian Redband was like, he was doing anti-Semitism. And the guy goes, okay, never mind. And not on a podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not in the context of jokes.
Starting point is 00:31:48 Yeah. Not on my number one live podcast. So, so, yeah, the guy was like, leave him alone. I'm taping this. And the guy, my buddy gets off at him. I didn't know this. I left. My buddy gets off of him.
Starting point is 00:32:05 He leaves. And the guy got up and he looks at his friend and goes, fuck you. And he's like, let's get out of here. Get out of here. And he goes, no, fuck you. And he swings on his friend. And his friend goes, fuck this and deleted the video and walked away. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:32:21 Good for him. So, yeah, it was fucking nuts. It was crazy. Holy shit. And this guy got his ass kick three times in one night for the trifecta. Yes. Sounds like you was sniffing around for it. Maybe, dude.
Starting point is 00:32:35 That guy must have woke. up with such a bad headache. I know, I know when I was drinking really bad, I would look around for fights, but I was never like doing it that way. I was just like pushing people or like smacking a drink. Or be personal about their appearance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't make it vague.
Starting point is 00:32:52 I'm proud that even when I was like blackout drunk trying to fight people, I was never like, fuck you race. But that's what makes me think that it was like, it was a psychological thing because almost every time somebody has an episode, it's like conspirators. The curatorial, the Jews, the whatever. Like, it always kind of comes back to that. I just know that, like, I, if he had been racist towards another race, I would have taken up for that race.
Starting point is 00:33:19 And I would have been like, I'm Chinese punch. You know, I'm a Malaysian, trans, disabled woman. I would have picked up the throne for whatever that was. but it's whatever I gotta It wasn't the smartest thing to do I do feel it was the right thing to do In some convoluted way
Starting point is 00:33:43 But you don't think so I don't think so man It's not worth it Well I'm trying to sell a movie So I think like Yeah You know knocking someone out in a Jewish person's honor Yeah true
Starting point is 00:33:53 I think I think the inaction initially Is what led it to get to that place It's like if any dude was there Or any comic and was like Get the fuck out of here and just grab the guy by the back of the shirt and threw him out like he's in the fresh print. Like that would have been fine.
Starting point is 00:34:09 I was in the bathroom. I didn't know any of this was going on. No, I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming those around that like you walk back and you're like, man, this party really died. And they're like, yeah, you see that guy four feet over there? He just went on an eight minute tirade against the Jews right in her face. Well, they're like, oh, he's still sipping a fucking margarita.
Starting point is 00:34:26 Did anything. And then when it got outside, again, it's a thing like, what do you do? Do you shoo them away? Do you get physical? Do you like make them get out of there? You eject them. And so I was under the mind, I took my rings off because I was like something might happen. But I was of the mind of like getting him the fuck out, like get dog walking him up the street.
Starting point is 00:34:47 Yeah. But he started to get like very wound up to the point where it was like, oh, this may become like a physical thing. He needs to be whatever. Neutralized. He needs to be neutralized. That's how you're spinning this. You go, you go, I saw a threat. I assessed the threat and realized that he needed to be.
Starting point is 00:35:04 to bring it down to zero. I assessed a threat. A suspect was incoming at about 2 o'clock, 205 towards my six. There was no de-escalation through verbal. So I had to physically put my hands on the assailant. He was obstructing justice. He was obstructing justice. Okay.
Starting point is 00:35:29 All right. No good? No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I don't know. Whatever I just don't want you to get hurt You can get hurt Someone could die
Starting point is 00:35:40 What if you go to jail, dude You'd be fucked Well, the thing is I know how this works I would get a death ticket It was a Thursday So I'd see the judge on Friday No, not if I killed them
Starting point is 00:35:52 If you killed somebody You'd be walking around I'd be out of morning Rikers Island or something People go Hey, Mr. Podcast Oh my God Hey, look at me
Starting point is 00:36:01 It's Mr. You want to try my job, motherfucker? It's, hey, it's Mr. Radio. Hold out of the cell. Hold on to the inside of my pocket. Talk into it like a microphone podcast. This episode's sponsored by getting your ass. Well, look who decided to come to the showers.
Starting point is 00:36:25 It's Howard Stern. What you doing, O.B. What? What? You want to meet Anthony? Are you O.P.? Oh, Anthony. Hey, a collie from Buzzie in Michigan
Starting point is 00:36:40 ain't going to save you now, brother. Let me ask you one thing there. Are you Ron Affiz? Welcome back to 995, getting your ass kicked radio. I think, so I'm of the mind that you learned your lesson in the sense that you're feeling shame, now you neutralized a threat congratulations i don't know if i'm feeling shame i know but you well it looks like you're feeling shame or at least i'm feeling i'm feeling consequence could come around
Starting point is 00:37:13 the next time that situation occurs deal with it in a different way which is why i'd like to learn jiu jitsu to like wakha put him down and now there's a job there you go and not uh just like punch but it happened what can you do i don't know thank god i fucking one punch slept them yeah because could you imagine I miss he knocks me out and then I'd be like oh guys it was actually you you missed it he amazed me yeah there's also nothing worse than like
Starting point is 00:37:43 taking up for somebody and getting your ass kicked a little bit oh yeah I know well you know Louis getting kicked like throwing water from behind Rebecca but I you're great
Starting point is 00:38:00 Lewis Don't beat me up If I... Louis should make merch where it's like a hand Just a hand that's throwing a thing Like a cup of water And have it say like Lewis J. Gomez right here Oh, that's great.
Starting point is 00:38:15 Like that or like Louis J. Gomez. Oh, dude, it's it's him. It's Salpabe at his face, but it's a cup of ice. You know, salt pay from 10 years ago. Well, I'm glad you're okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:31 And also my buddy, like with a family, I'm like, dude, you got to chill. But it felt good. It reminded me being a kid again. Did you even feel? So the punch, was it so flush that it felt like the barrel of the bat? Like, you didn't even feel it? Oh. Or did it rattle your arm?
Starting point is 00:38:46 It was nice. Yeah. I honestly. Did it make a sound? Did it go like, it made like a, like, it was just like, Jesus Christ. And then his, and then his noise was, uh. I think people that have, that have never met you.
Starting point is 00:39:00 You know, viewers or fans of your comedy, like you have very strong hands. Your head, like, you're, any time I shake your hand or give you, I mean, it's the rings too, but like your knuckles feel very, like I wouldn't want to get hit by you? Yeah. I think it would suck. Wouldn't it be funny if, because I did leave the scarring on because it can't come off,
Starting point is 00:39:18 but wouldn't that be funny if you just had scah? Yeah. On his morning. Like Ace Ventura checking the rings. Yeah, no. You can't get that off. What did skin grow around it or something? It can come off if I put, like, water on it.
Starting point is 00:39:28 But it's like a tight pink ring. What is it? Well, you cut it. I was going to say, I know a way to get rings off if you can't get them off is you put a string in them. I like keeping it on. Sometimes when I have too much...
Starting point is 00:39:38 Sometimes when I have too much salt, I can't take my rings off, so I have to walk around my hotel. I stopped wearing my wedding ring. Because it was too much of a bloat barometer. Like, I knew... But why would you take it off? I just knew when I was getting fat.
Starting point is 00:39:52 Why would you take the wedding ring? Because I just got a tattoo instead. That's a bit. Oh. Yeah. You ever do that as a bit? No. It's a good bit.
Starting point is 00:40:00 I'm thinking about getting like finger tattoos on the inside of my fingers. Elvis and Jimmy for Jimmy Hendrix and Elvis. You're going to get another man's name on your hands podcast. You're going to jerk off with a man's name. Yeah, and I'll call giving myself a hunk of hunk of burning love. Nice. You go, yeah, you're looking at your hands going, which one am I going to do today? Voodoo child?
Starting point is 00:40:30 Well, we, a long-comes married. The long weird strokes are with the Jimmy. The wind cries merry. The wind's about to cry. So when you, when, when, when, when, um, fun's over. When you're all filled up tattoo-wise, where to, like, unique places you're going to go. I have so much space left. Would you do what that girl, did, you ever see that one of the girl that got her asshole tattooed?
Starting point is 00:40:59 No. It's at a convention. And she's like, like, like, half enjoying. I wonder if that feels good. No, I wouldn't like that. Well, that's the thing is I bet for her it looked like it did a little bit. Yeah, maybe. Well, it's an erogenous zone.
Starting point is 00:41:11 For sure. There's some nerve endings. I have so much space left. I have, I'm going to get a huge back piece. That's my goal. But I have so much space left. It's just a lot of it's like visible. But I have.
Starting point is 00:41:22 In the same old school style. Yeah, yeah. Like I have, I have from my mid thighs up on my back thighs, my whole entire back. I'm going to get my armpits done. I think I might get Beavis and Budhead in my armpits. Did you see Ben Afflix's back tattoo in The Rip? It's one of the worst. Is that good?
Starting point is 00:41:39 I'd like to watch it. It's okay. It's all right. It's all right. It's a fun movie that I'm glad they made because they don't make a lot of them. And it's just like it's a pure action heist kind of just easy. Yeah, you're kind of like twist and turns. I rewatched Goodwill Hunting and that is such a masterpiece.
Starting point is 00:41:57 I cried on the plane. Yeah, it's a great movie. It's so good. It's so much talking. I do love when he, uh, when he, when he, uh, when he's such a masterpiece. he when he's fighting guys on the basketball court and he's like he's like don't i know you from kindergarten and he'll bang yeah yeah yeah hits him right in the face dude you guys should punch someone i have feels good i have recently no no no no no no way i mean we got into a fight um with a guy
Starting point is 00:42:18 like a year ago two years really what happened he was uh we we just told this story on our podcast but it was it was a guy on mcdougal who was like going he was like a crust punk type harasser or whatever he was doing and he had a phone thing where he was just putting it in people's faces. It was blinking, like, epileptic style. I don't like that. He actually, he was like a lunatic, but he was wearing nice clothes. I remember, I remember looking at him going like, well, you're like, you're like,
Starting point is 00:42:45 what is it your first day kind of shit? You know what I mean? Yeah, homelessness began just recently. That's so funny to think about homelessness, first day homeless. Like, hey, I'm new here. Still getting the lay of the land. Show me on the rope. So you'd say you steal deodorant,
Starting point is 00:43:03 boosted and get heroin? I think you guys are doing this whole thing wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so he's like flashing in front. And you know what? We were kind of in the, you know, when you like, something's going on and you're like, I'm in, I will fight somebody mode.
Starting point is 00:43:21 Like, I'm too angry, something's swimming in my head right now. I don't know. Like when you said how Lewis's reaction and then he went into the world, not necessarily seeking it, but more open to the opportunity of violence. We were kind of like when you believe in God or something and then you start to see God in things. It's like as long as you're open to it,
Starting point is 00:43:42 you can see an avenue that you can go down. Amen. And anyway, so we're on McDougal. He was like flashing it in other people's faces and we're kind of looking at him like, oh, God. And then as we're walking to the fat black, he starts doing it in your face first. My face, yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:01 And this is when the outside. shit was still on the street from the pandemic. And Mike, coolest line, Canon over here goes, like, what did you say? You're like, your seconds away from getting thrown through that fucking wall.
Starting point is 00:44:14 And guess what? Time's up. Damn, I'm where were you to punch it up? Click. Click. Click. Click. Boom.
Starting point is 00:44:26 Anyway. So what happened. So then the guy, Brendan, in a cooler thing, because again, I'm all, I'm all, I'm all, I'm all talk, no action. But this guy, I was just like, get the fuck out of our face, dude.
Starting point is 00:44:37 And we were walking and he stayed in front of our face and put it. And Brendan goes, seriously, dude, get it to fuck. And smack the phone. And went, and then he said to me, he went, why did you do that? Yeah. And I went, and that's when we became humans again. He goes, why did you do that? And I go, because you were doing the thing in my face.
Starting point is 00:44:56 I was like, I wasn't like tough. I was like, you don't do that to people because then that happens. Yeah. That happened on McDoo. A guy hit on a girl She ignored him and he's like, yo bitch, I'm talking to you I took a crushed soda can and threw it at her And I was like, yo, why the fuck would you do that?
Starting point is 00:45:13 Oh, fucking white knight Yeah, miss, did that guy just throw a can of coke at you? Did he say anything negative about the Jews? Yo, did that guy, is that guy being mean? I took up for an old man a couple months ago. I'm not, you're a hero. It's not gendered. You're a street hero.
Starting point is 00:45:28 Right. Ian Fidant and Street Hero coming to Netflix. That's a good movie. Dude. It's a good screen name. A street hero movie where I'm a vigilante that loves cats. It's like one red cap removed from Curtis Slewa. Dude, it's like your version of blank man.
Starting point is 00:45:44 I don't think. Look, if we're going to pitch this. What was that Charles Bronson movie where he kills people on the subway? Oh. James, can you look that up? It's fuck. I think if we're going to pitch this, we'll have to make the cats not as big of a thing. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:45:59 It doesn't really matter that he's got cats. I have always fancied myself. Have you never seen Blankman? Death Wish. Death Wish. Death Wish. I love Blank. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:46:07 Because I was like, I figured he may be too young. Blank Man is one of the best fucking superhero movies of all time. It's so fucking funny. Every time I see one of those food carts on the street, I go, K-5. And also one of the coolest, like, self-made layers, a layer for a good guy ever. Yeah. Like he just makes his own superhero. Oh, dude.
Starting point is 00:46:31 And the best part is when David Allen Greer names him because he comes up the elevator shaft holding the baby and someone goes, oh my God, he's a hero. What's his name? And he doesn't say anything. And David Allen Greer goes, he's blank, man. Like, blank man. And he comes his pants every time he kisses a girl. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:52 Yeah, he's just his fan. And he goes, when I'm with her, it feels like there's a thousand Q-tips in my ears. Good movie. That great movie. Dude, we should do a blank man movie watch. I would love that. I'd love to watch this movie. I agree.
Starting point is 00:47:07 What do you guys do tomorrow? All right. That's my problem. Every time someone throws out an idea to do something fun, I'm like, immediately, yes, tomorrow. And they're like, I was just kind of going with it. Are you checking your calendar? No, I'm looking. I'm now checking my calendar.
Starting point is 00:47:24 I just got a bunch of text messages. Free all day. All right. What are you doing? We can get food. We're doing our podcast. at two. Oh, we are. You want to I think. I forgot about that. You want to do it
Starting point is 00:47:34 earlier? You want to be our first guest. And then we'll just watch that movie. Dude, my next show will be Ian's sleeps where I forced my friends that have me at a sleepover. That's not a bad idea. That's a good idea. You just have a sleepover at your friends' house. Yeah. Yeah. I love adult sleepovers. We've done that. Yes, we have. Yes, we have. Just on a regular night.
Starting point is 00:47:58 I was going through a mental psychosis. I didn't want to I was like, wasn't quite a sleepover. It was more of a, I was watching you. It was more of a wellness change. It was a wellness sleepover. Yeah, I slept in his house. Yeah, thank you. Well, it was fun.
Starting point is 00:48:13 We watched Zohan. We had Chinese food. Yeah, it was sick. Yeah, and then the next day we went for a walk and there was a cat on a leash in the park. Yeah, that was great. Oh, yeah. Good stuff. Yeah, I just got out of the hospital.
Starting point is 00:48:25 What? What happened? Just you remembering that. And you'll never believe it. There was a cat on a leash at the park. Yeah. Yeah, I just got down the hospital and I didn't feel safe in my apartment. That's fair.
Starting point is 00:48:42 It's nice. Yeah. Yeah, he smelled like shit. Oh, I didn't. Yes, you did. You smelled like shit. Not real shit, but like, but you smelled bad. You smelled like B.O.
Starting point is 00:48:51 I don't think I was showering. You were like, definitely. Yeah, you were in a bad way. Loopsies. I'm better now. Now, I could never. ever do that because I live with a woman. But that's where the sleepover show would actually get good.
Starting point is 00:49:06 Is that if you had to sleep over his house, when he has a living girlfriend, if you had to sleep over my house and I have kids. Like that, that, like you forcing your way into those situations. I slept at my, my buddy Bill's house in Miami. I was down there. Me and I took two of my friends. We saw Blinkin A2 in Hollywood, Florida. And I took a nap.
Starting point is 00:49:29 Dude, they're right into the mic. I didn't scratch my face. You went, oh. You fucking swallowed a gallon of lung butter on Mike. That was fucking so disgusting. Yeah, so I, I, I, they put up an air mattress in one of their kids' rooms, and I took a nap, and my buddy's wife went to wake me up,
Starting point is 00:49:50 and I was sleeping on my side, and she was like, Ian, and I flipped and grabbed her wrist. It was like, what are you want? And she was like, what? Whatever demons you have are real. What? Is that true? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:02 So if I woke you up that night, you'd, like, grab my wrist and be like, what the fuck? I, I think I, something happens when I sleep. Were you assaulted in your sleep? No, I was very much awake. No. I was pretending to be asleep. It was at a sleepover. Do you know what I found out recently is that my friend, and this kid, I never liked them once in my entire life.
Starting point is 00:50:26 But this kid, I won't even say his name, but his, whatever. He, they dared him to cup my balls. And he fucking did it in like eighth grade while I was asleep. And I only recently found that out. And I was like, How does that make you feel retroactively? It explains why I felt molested. Interesting.
Starting point is 00:50:45 Like it's explained certain feelings of distrust that I've had in eighth grade. Oh, wow. Yeah. But also the layer of that happening, everyone laughing at you, you not knowing. Yeah, yeah. No, there's a lot. There's a lot that plays into that with my.
Starting point is 00:50:59 specific mental illness as well. Yeah. Just the not knowing and everybody else is laughing. And I'm like, is the whole world set up against me. Yeah. Well, what's interesting is, especially with the Me Too movement, so many women were coming forward with their stories of this happened so long ago and this and this and I experienced that.
Starting point is 00:51:16 And then there was like this narrative, especially among guys, are like, get over. It was so long ago. And it's like, dude, having a core memory like that come back is so jarring. And make so many memories flood through and almost like puts these. puzzle pieces together. Right. And the only way to kind of get through it is by talking about it.
Starting point is 00:51:35 Yeah. But like sharing it is like my thing. It's like, I don't really like that. But talking about it is totally fair and it does help. Sure. The weirdest part, though, is a core memory that you don't remember and we're only told. So it's other people's memory. And it's a story to me.
Starting point is 00:51:53 You don't remember waking up at all or like, getting like hard about it later? You're getting wrong. And crying because you're hard. You don't remember orgas. Only being able to come with your balls cup now. I could only come when I look a girl and go
Starting point is 00:52:09 Tony, stop. Weirdly enough, I didn't know that. But I did hook up with both, like, two of his sisters. Later in like this dude. Do you think that you were like, I got to get him? Maybe. I mean, they were good looking. So I think it was a beneficial situation either way.
Starting point is 00:52:24 But it was like. Interesting. One of the kids, I got, I got back at him. You cup my balls, I'll bang your sisters. One of the kids, I got back at him when he was a ticket taker at the movie theater, and I acted like I didn't know him. Oh, really?
Starting point is 00:52:39 That's hilarious. You go, one for a Zootopia, please. That should be the name of your book. I just start shaking like Zootopia. That could have been a joke on any of us. To be honest. Were you Melissa? I think so.
Starting point is 00:53:02 I mean, I don't know. Take us back. Technically, in a way. James, can you lower the light? No, my cousin. I had like a cousin that like we were, it was always a cousin. He was just getting curious. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:53:19 And like it was the night before Thanksgiving Day parade. And we were laying in the bed together and he was just like, he was just like. He was just like. I feel I'm like, why am I telling this story? But he like, he was just like, he was like, he asked me if I had pubes or something yet. And I was like, I was like five or six. I was like, no.
Starting point is 00:53:40 And then he was like, let me see your dick. And I was like, I go, I don't know. And he was like, well, I could see your dick or I could whip mine out and you can take a look at mine. And I was like, all right, I'll just show you my dick. And I just showed him my dick. Is that what he do? This is the worst moment of my life hearing this story. This is heartbreaking
Starting point is 00:54:01 Well, now you're going to have to give him a nice studio I can't wait to ask you to cut this out I can't wait We're men and we're sharing Because I'm going to ask it to get cut out Are you really? I don't know No, come on
Starting point is 00:54:14 It's okay to be men It's not your fault No No It's not your fault It's not your fault It's not your fault Oh Jesus
Starting point is 00:54:25 That Oh it's my cousin That was your fault. Now, come here, hug me. Hug me. I have to ask, do you have pups? It's not your fault. You're making a bigger deal out of this.
Starting point is 00:54:40 You tell me it's not my fault. Oh, it's not your fault. This fell on me. This fell on me. Knocked me out. Oh, I'm using by a corner. Yeah. Jesus.
Starting point is 00:54:56 That's how you're going to die. All this stuff is just going to fall on you. Your fan art is going to collapse on you. Local nobody. Killed. Killed in his own drawings. By his own shrine. It was your fault.
Starting point is 00:55:12 Anyway, so tell me about the podcast. Where are we at right now? Time was. 48. Well, 45. Wow. This is going by. No, shut up.
Starting point is 00:55:25 We're keeping it. James. James loves an edit. Yeah. He's always like, I want something to do. Edit. Edit.
Starting point is 00:55:32 Cut. No, we leave it. That's who we are. Thorns and roses. Brendan. I don't know. Whatever. I don't even think it's bad.
Starting point is 00:55:39 You've also told that on, I think, many podcasts we've done. What's so bad about it? Nothing. Nothing's bad about it. It's almost worse that we're still talking about this. The fact that we're litigating it in a very serious way is worse.
Starting point is 00:55:51 Like I really don't. Can we? I don't care. Yeah. What do you mean litigated? Litigating. Litigating. Litigating mean debating?
Starting point is 00:56:02 It kind of like, you know, we're deciding. There's a conversation about it. Yeah. Yeah. I think you can say like when you're debating a decision. Litigating. It's illegal. It's a legal.
Starting point is 00:56:12 It comes from litigating. Yes. Doesn't litigating have to do with suing, taking to court? Litigating are lawyers doing lawyer things. They're arguing for a side. Oh. My name is Bernard of Costco. Who are you?
Starting point is 00:56:28 You're the lawyer? I'm nothing but the Southern lawyer. I'd like to bring into evidentiary evidence number four, the pubes in question. I remember one time when I was at summer camp, shout out Camp Tioga. The third mic on our podcast is Camp Tioga. You need Camp Tioga merch. We should get it. Ringer Tees with Camp Tioga.
Starting point is 00:56:54 It's not a bad idea. I'm not selling it. merch for a business that exists. It's still around? Yeah. Not after this. I know a bunch of fucking punks, punk comedy fans are going to show up there. What happened?
Starting point is 00:57:05 Be like, I'd like to get it. What'd you do to sack a little? What'd you do to sack? Daddy. No, this wasn't even a molestation or anything. This was just like, I remember my friends had their pubes already. And they were showing each other being like, check it out, check it out. And they were like, and I didn't have pubs.
Starting point is 00:57:23 And they were like, Brendan, do you have pubs yet? I went totally and they were like, oh, show us, we're all showing each other. And I may have had like one single little hair. And I was like, check that up. But I was, I knew it wasn't, but I was like, I tried to only have like that one hair come up. I was like, I'm not going to show you too much. I'll give you hair cleaning. Dude, my first.
Starting point is 00:57:44 Being a little boy is so, like, it's, it's, you do such a homoerotic stuff. Well, and all of it is, but it's still like trying to prove who's the most dude. Yeah. Like, you're like, oh, I have a boy. Bush, too. Like the same. My first pub, I called my grandmother. I go, because I used to call balls canoonies.
Starting point is 00:58:01 And I go, Grammy, Grammy, I have hair on my canoooies. And she goes, what? You're coming home in a canoe? We just unlocked a core memory. My two buddies, we've been friends since we were 11. And at great school, after gym class, we would have to shower in the gym. And the gym teacher had an open window in his office right looking into the shower. And he would be like shower, you boys eat to shower.
Starting point is 00:58:27 And we hated it. So we'd run our heads under the sink and hide out in the stalls. And there was, again, like pubs. I'll never forget this one kid, fifth grade. The biggest pubs I've ever seen. And I was just like staring at them just memor. I don't even remember his cock. I just remember the pubs.
Starting point is 00:58:43 I remember the first time I saw like a man in six. When I was in sixth grade, I didn't have pubs until I was like five, ten. Like I was so tall. And I had a baby penis. Like it was crazy, dude. I went through puberty so late. It was nuts. And my dad warned me about it.
Starting point is 00:58:59 He was like, by the way, it was going to happen late. I'm like, whoa. All right, cool. I just got a book called What's Happening to me. I jerked off to that when I was a kid. What's happening to my body? Yeah, that's right. My mom gave it to me.
Starting point is 00:59:10 He was like, read it when you can. I was like, all right. Yeah, he just reminded me of something. I completely forgot. Something about, something about pubes or something. Oh, it was the story with your teacher. It was a pedophile. I had a teacher who got arrested for,
Starting point is 00:59:23 being like a pedophile. Well, we were wondering, down in Austin, we were talking about him, we're like, dude, was he a fucking creep? But he was always like the cool gym teacher. And we're like, huh, that's weird that he would make a shower. Cool gym teachers are almost always
Starting point is 00:59:39 the ones. Mine was the track coach, this Jamaican track coach named Mike, and he got caught with like fucking... I think we didn't we... Dude, I remember us talking about this on a podcast once or something and then imitating the... guy.
Starting point is 00:59:54 Did we do that? That was years ago. He told me so years ago. We were like doing like a imitation of a Jamaican guy like a Jamaican pedophile. You're going to have to give me a little penis. Make sure you want one, no, tell nobody. I'm going to give you a blood clodagh chocolate in your asshole. I'm going to beat up that pussy like steel drum.
Starting point is 01:00:20 I wish I could do it. Can we edit that? Dude, speaking to old teachers, holy fuck, my high school history teacher, who was also our cross-country coach, came to my show in Austin. I didn't see him since I graduated high school in 2003.
Starting point is 01:00:36 Shout out, Mr. Breger. He surprised me at the show. We got to catch up. It was wild. And he said, he teaches in Austin now. And he said he uses me as an example in his class to tell his kids, like, you can be whatever you want to be.
Starting point is 01:00:50 Like, I taught this kid, blah, blah, blah. Look at him. He's like, I don't show him. all your material. Right, right, right. You want to keep your job. But, dude, we used to go on... I find your lifestyle to be an abomination.
Starting point is 01:01:00 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't even give him your name. A sinner if you want, but I, dude, he used to take us, I went on, like, so many volunteer trips with him to, like, Appalachia, like, building homes. He was like... That's awesome. He was in a band, the circus midgets.
Starting point is 01:01:15 They played our senior prom. Really? You know, yeah, yeah. I was with him when he got his first tattoo, because I got my tattoo at 17. Your teacher? Yeah. That's weird. Because he was our cross-country coach, and he said, if we win states, I'll get a tattoo.
Starting point is 01:01:28 So everyone was like, oh, my God. And I had gotten my tattoo in, like, October, September of my senior year. My Sacred Heart, my dad's name in it. Oh, wow. You got that at 16? 17. Whoa. All the guys in the shop had bets that I was going to tap out, and I didn't tap out.
Starting point is 01:01:44 Wow. And, yeah, so I got that. So I was on the cross-country team, and I was, like, the first person with the tattoo. and he was like, you know what? If we win states, I'll get a tattoo. And we won states, and he got... It's like the producers. He's like trying to make you purposely lose
Starting point is 01:02:01 because he doesn't want to get the tattoo. There's this movie called The Producers. Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks. And it's about tattoos. It's about him writing a play that's so bad that he'll have to take it off the... Oh, I didn't even know that was the...
Starting point is 01:02:16 I didn't know that. I should check that out. Oh, my God. I laughed because of... There's a whole season of curb about it. it. Really? Yeah. They do that whole thing. They're like, I've been watching that clip over and over of Marty Funkhouser meeting Jerry Sontel. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:30 Yeah, he was like, let me tell you a joke. It's so good. Jerry going, Jerry going, oh, geez. Like when he says, hey, I, yeah, yeah, yeah. A woman is insecure about the size of her opening. He goes, oh. A woman is insecure about the size of her opening. By the way, your cunt is in the kitchen.
Starting point is 01:02:48 He tells that joke so well. It's incredible. incredible. We should watch it. Apparently in that clip, there's like a hard edit of Jerry coming up and because he laughed so hard, he could not stop laughing and broke so hard in the scene.
Starting point is 01:03:03 I'm going to find out. We're going to watch it. Let's watch it. Let's wrap the episode and we're roll into Patreon. Is that cool? Yeah. Yeah. You know, I used to massage my kindergarten teacher's feet.
Starting point is 01:03:14 And you'll hear all about it. Patreon.com slash BDiFod. Oh my God. That is some juicy guys. I, Ian do. An odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Findance Comedy. It's out on the YMH YouTube page as well.
Starting point is 01:03:32 Thank you everybody for digging it. I'm having so much fun. I'll talk, I'll get people to share it. We've been putting the commercial for it in the pod, right? Yeah. Yes. Awesome. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:03:42 Let's keep doing that. Nice. Because we shot a commercial for it. Nice. So, yeah, Ianfinance. com for all my dates. I'm going all over. Thank you guys for getting tickets or having a blast.
Starting point is 01:03:51 come on out. And what do you guys got? Listen to FARC carnival, obviously. And where can they hear that? Is it on network? Is it? It's on Gas Digital. Oh, word.
Starting point is 01:04:02 Do you record at gas? Digital. Yeah, we got the studio over there. Oh, so you don't need to join gas to listen to it? No. It's on YouTube. It's on Spotify. It's on all that stuff.
Starting point is 01:04:13 See me on the road. Also listen to Sag Daddy to Pod, please. And then, and beautiful boys. And when does this come out? Three weeks All right Well I'll be at the helium in Indianapolis March 12th
Starting point is 01:04:28 13th and 14th please Good night comedy club In Raleigh North Carolina May 7th 8th 9th please Counterweight Brewing Company In Cheshire Connecticut For one night only
Starting point is 01:04:46 May 15th And then helium comedy club in Atlanta May 22nd to the 23rd to the 24th. Nice. Yeah, listen to Fark Carnival and beautiful boys. And for my date, Mike Cannon Comedy.com or punchup. Live slash Mike Cannon.
Starting point is 01:05:00 I'll be in South Bend, Indiana, March 6 at the Drop Comedy Club. I'll be in Detroit. I'll be in Lansing. I'll be in Baton Rouge. I'll be on Lafayette, which I just watched, I just finished watching season one of True Detective again.
Starting point is 01:05:13 And like that whole thing basically takes place in and around Lafayette. So I'm going cult hunting. Great. season. Yeah. And then New Orleans, Tampa, all that stuff. Mike Kennan Comedy.com.
Starting point is 01:05:25 See you on the Patreon.

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