Bein' Ian With Jordan - Gifted Talented Wadam Gilbert Bein Ian With Jordan 179

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

The hilarious Adam Gilbert joins Ian & Dan in the Den to talk about the glory days of Comedy Cellar ribbing, MK Ultra, and burn a couple darts. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Adam! https://instagram.com/adamgilbert__ Follow DSG! https://instagram.com/danst.germain Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Telling jokes and having smokes riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being in Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being in

Being in And life is shit with you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live alive being in being in with Jordan I don't think

I think I'll be all right I'll I'm gonna I did I did do the Abbott and Gestella thing

my favorite thing to do is ha yeah yeah what is that well it's like the Frankenstein's in back of him

and they're like what's up Abbott he goes like he's so scared he can't he can't say it Yeah, Ryan Gosselin does that, and then that movie The Nice Guys Guys at Bad. And he's like, he does all the old, it's great.

He does all the old, like, or it's the guy, or this is the other one where they, like, Dan O'Shaan, this great writer, he used to work the old time where you, like someone's back of you, and then you, like, touch their face, you know, and it's like, you know, and it's like the mommy. Let's do that, but me sneaking up on you in prison. Oh, no. Oh, no. Stop, don't. Stop.

No. Dad, he's raping you. He's raping you. Your assholes making the same noise. Oh, honey, red. Your dick is just like, Mm-hmm. And then that, you know.

It is fun to do that, though. I think when I die, I'm going to do something happening in Castell. Like, oh. If I know I'm dying I'm like, whoa, zoinks. And then go, New York just passed

assisted suicide. Oh, really? Yeah, it was today. Big day for you and me. Finally, you don't know how much I've been thinking about that. We're going to need a bigger Muppet. Welcome to another episode of B&E and with Jordan, everybody. Hi, Jordan is on assignment down in all.

in Texas and we're holding down the fort with me, your old pal, Ian, and everybody's favorite Uncle Dan, St. Germain, Uncle Dan. And our wonderful guest today is a very funny, the fantastic Adam Gilbert. Hello. How are you? What's eating Albert Gilbert grape? Yeah, we got it. He's eating Albert Gilbert grape.

I didn't even say Adam. Can we assist in the suicide, please? Mine's along. I'm on the long plan. I'm on the slow drip. installment suicide plan. So explain. this, what does that mean?

It's just terminally ill. It's like if you're Oh, you can't just go and be like, I'm not feeling it lately. No, you can't be like, uh, I didn't get any spots this week. You have a doctor's note. Yeah, yeah, you're like, just do it. Um, no, I think the stuff, I mean the wads are going to probably be, but I think it's like it's here in Oregon, right? Have you ever seen the documentary How to Die in Oregon?

No. It is brutal. It's about assisted suicide in Oregon. It's like so heartbreaking, beautiful, like, Oh, God. It's about opening a vegan restaurant in Portland. I'm going out to Portland. I'm stoked.

Go to the Heelham? Well, I'm going to be in Eugene, Oregon, the 29th, and then February 18th to 20th. I'm in Portland Helium. And I'm stoked to get back out there. I love that club. But the last time I went there, I went to this Audities Museum. Have you ever been? Oh, I've been to that.

Dude? Wait, no, I was at the, I'm sorry. I went to the one. You're talking about your house. Philly. I went to the one in Philly. So the Mooter Museum. Yeah.

No, dude, this Auditiz Museum? They have a haunted doll that rings a bell if she's like feeling it or not, right? What? And so, yeah, yeah. So I go up and I'm like, Sally, if you're here, ring the bell and the bell rings. And I'm like, what the fuck? So then I go, I go up to the woman behind the desk and she's like, you know, changing like the cash out of the register. I'm like, hey, the bell rang.

Do you guys have like a bell here? She goes, no, it's just Sally. She comes and goes when she wants. Just so nonchalantly acting as if there's not an entity living in this haunted. As soon as you leave, they're like, A sucker born every minute, Mabel. Then he gets out from behind like, Ha ha ha ha.

Yep. All right. I mean, we laughed. Don't bomb it after the laugh. You can't do that. That's illegal. I like grab Twizzlers. Your name was Mabel.

Don't eat on microphone. Oh, don't eat like that either. Shock the bone every mania. Look at this. He's stressed out. What are you stressed out about? Joked in work. Oh, oh, oh.

Dan, someone made Dan a comedy seller baseball card. Isn't that so nice? Whoa, that rocks. Isn't that nice? Who did it? Sam, the Candy Man. Well, thank you, Sam. I'm going to put this on Instagram on Friday.

Isn't that nice? And it has information about you in the back. It says Dan St. Germain, origin, Hackensack, New Jersey. First set, 2006 in New York City. You've probably seen him on late night or a Comedy Central roast. Or you may see him crying on the ACE on the way to Union Square back to his sad life in Connecticut. Dan has a pension for making jokes that are funny, but also true to life, letting you know what a sad sack of shit he really is.

Dan has an ability to... You know, Zagget wrote something similar about me. Really? What they say? He ate all the food. No, that's great. See, a beloved you are? What's the scar from on your hand?

I burned a... No, that's... Oh, I put a cigarette out of my hand. When? I'm at high school. It looks like a recent wound. Yeah, he really went for it. Wow.

You really scarred yourself, huh? He just hammered. You want to do whatever. Do you have any scars? Do you have any broken things about yourself? I feel like we should play the crow sound track right now as we do this. I just watched the crow the other night for the first song. Really?

Ever. Oh, I'm so glad you watched it now and not in high school because that would have become your personality. Oh, I watched it in grade school and I started painting my nails. Did you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally.

Black lipstick. I haven't seen the new one. I hear the new one's trash. The old one's kind of trash. It doesn't hold up. It's like such an eye roll. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It just looks cool. Yeah. The soundtrack's good. Soundtrack to The Crow 2. City of Souls or Lost Souls. That's good, too. I like that.

Who's in it? I don't even know. Oh, the soundtrack? Yeah. Corn, deaf tones. Um, uh, white zombie. Right? My wheel house.

Love white zombie. Yeah, white zombie's pretty good. My mom broke my white zombie CD in fifth grade because I, uh, I tried to fuck it Lid a mat If I did that I'd be more human than human I would be more human

I was Those wolves would how If they were alive She caught me She called me being a little astro creep 2000 Uh no I got caught lighting a match in the house

And sort of punished me She broke my CD in half That's a little sphere That's awesome Yeah it was a lot of that He agrees with it You just said she agreed Is it he?

Easy mistake. Okay, he or she get two options. Folks, I get it now. Did you ever get punished for weird shit growing up? Where are you from? Indiana. Indiana. Oh, Fort Wayne, right?

Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah. Dude, you mentioned showgirl one and three. Oh, you like that? I went to both of them when I was in. You did? I've never been to either of them. Oh, let me tell you.

It's a good time. Yeah. Shout out Shima. Is that an Indiana strip club? Yeah, there's like show girl one. It's called showgirl. Yeah. And then there's showgirl.

and there's no showgirl too i don't know where it is show girl too is attached to a firehouse subs in gary indiana uh indiana is i went to school there we talked about i don't know if we ever talked about i went to university of evansville in indiana oh my god it's a really good acting school i went with romey malick so let's not compare who's doing better you were the voice of a of a coffee cup last year i was the voice of the michael's yaddy you're right that's a little bit bigger than freddie murkrie you're right yeah i'd like to fucking hear a i do that suck that commercial director's dick wait what no i didn't um but uh yeah man indiana's a i mean

fort wayne i don't i think i've just driven through there but yeah evansville indiana is a pretty depressing fucking city dude yeah i played fort wayne i loved it in between sets on saturday i uh it was like summit city fort Wayne comedy club i in between sets i walked out i was smoking a cigarette and i heard like music and i went over and there was like a metal fest going on And they let me walk in and I like mosh during waking the cadaver. And then like I got done. I just walked out and then went right on stage. Oh, that's cool.

Oh, wow. It was really cool. I also saw a porno of Indiana State University. Just in a nice moment. When I was in high school of these two guys having sex in their dorm room and I was like, oh, nice. I hope college is like this. Was that your first gay porn or is it just your first gay Indiana porno?

All right. Certainly not my first gay porn. First gay Indiana. Do you remember your first gay porn? Yeah, it was these two guys having sex in jail. Nice. Actually, this way... Where they should be.

Where they should be. Actually, the first time I ever actually shot anything out was watching that porn. I might be like a sign. After I shot anything out. Because everything before that was just like, you know, blanks. That was just preschool. Yeah. I didn't really...

This is such an embarrassing story, but I didn't like the first time, oh, my God, I don't know if I'm going to do. Come on. Come on. The first time I ever jizzed, I didn't know really what it was. So I was like, Dad, what is this? And he goes, God, it's jizz. And he looks. It's a.

The tongue goes down. Oh, my God. Like the mask. Dude, when I was in grade school, we were having a sex. talk I went to like in all-boy school where in like fifth or sixth grade or whatever and I I wanted to ask something but I was too embarrassed so I was like if you if you play with it too much does it make it shrink Colin wants to know that's so funny oh man you all floated that fear oh yeah dude we had we had I remember our sex ed teacher was cute in eighth grade and she was hot

and she made the dumb decision to ask a bunch of teenage boys. Okay, guys, you can write all these questions anonymously, and I'll just read them in front of the whole. Nice. No, I won't have sex with you. No, I won't have sex with you. No, I won't blow you. Oh, my God, really?

You know, it was like a lot of that. What was your guys' sex, I'd like? Because mine was abstinence only. Did you go to Christian school? No, it's just Indiana. It's just Indiana. Yeah, they were just like, don't fuck. Was that from your parents?

My parents. My parents got divorced when I was two. They were like, just don't be a adult. They're like, don't do what we did. I remember my dad talking about Tiger Woods getting caught. I still remember him just being like, well, they never get mad about the times you say no, do they? Holy shit. I just learned so much about you.

And also, yeah, of course they don't. Holy shit. Yeah, that's actually the point of it. Dad? That's the point of it. It's called an affair. Oh, yeah. No, but my school was like, if you have sex, you're a piece of shit.

You can't, I remember there was one, like, I think it was like in eighth grade. We were like, we were like 13, 14 years old, and they were just like, if you have sex the night before your wedding night, I mean, you never know. Could be a waste of time. Yeah. Could be a waste of time. Yeah, it could have been a whole waste of time. You never know. Like, you got to wait until the exact moment.

It was wild. Wait, what do you mean could be a waste of time? Like you have sex. My wife's not going to work out. Yeah, that could fuck everything up. That was like the one night we didn't have sex. Yeah, my wife on our wedding night. Oh, I bet not.

Yeah, because you're exhausted. You're just fucking exhausted. You're working the whole room and you ate everything and you just look to sleep. So I'm curious what, like, actual responsible sex I had looked like. Did they teach you about condoms? Because they told us that shit don't work. They told us it didn't work. No, they said like, they would do the thing of like abstinence is really what you should do.

But if you use a condom. and then they would tell you how to use a condom. But it was New York, so it was a very different. My sex ed talk for my mom and my grandfather was my mom panically being like, Ian, when you have sex with someone, dude, don't ever get an STD. Wear two condoms. And my grandfather leans in and goes, listen, if you're going to wear two condoms, you might as well just stay home.

Yeah, I was like, I don't know what any of this means. Two condoms? Ten. What if I never wanted to? Have you worn two condoms? No. I think I have like once And I was like this is horrible

Well if you wear two condoms They the friction makes them break Yeah I feel like this It's a terrible idea I was two condoms but I was You know it was You know that's what Ian's mom told me to do So

Yeah He's banging your mom Yeah Nice Lou Woo woo Oh Oh

God Jesus Christ The fuck Why he's pointing me He's gonna bend your mom You brought it up Jesus Christ Jesus.

For the high five. Bastard. A high five and more. I don't care. We also, we had sex ed from the gym teacher, and then he, they would like,

there was like one video that was like at a zoo and like the zookeeper explains things, like using the animals to show, like it wasn't very good. But then we had to memorize all the parts of the body, like, like,

they showed us like what's under the hood of the car, but they didn't show us how to drive it, you know? Yeah. So it just totally like didn't make sense. That is weird that you could like, you didn't know how to fuck, but you could leave sex at being able to identify all the parts of a vagina. Yeah.

If you didn't know how to like work the vagina, but you could be like, do you like my vast deference? You know? Oh, yeah. But there's like this argument that like people should be taught how to have sex for like pleasure rather than whatever. I think like,

I think ultimately it should be left up to the parents. I think like the parents should be the ones having the conversation with the kids. I don't know. And I think abstinence only is a horrible way to go because they're going to be. I think that's... Anyway, so you might as well have a conversation about safety. Yeah, we had a whole wing of our high school for pregnant moms. No way.

Oh, yeah. It was such an epidemic. It did nothing to sway kids away because they're fucking human beings. They're going to bang. So we just thought condoms didn't work. So we just had a whole fucking bunch of pregnant moms walking around like ghosts. Really? Yeah.

You thought condoms didn't work. I thought it was bullshit. Was that Mitch Daniels? No, no, I mean, I thought it was. I thought it was governor then. Mitch Daniels? Oh, yeah, yeah. Governor Mitch Daniels.

Yeah. My man Mitch. My man Mitch. He was a George W. Bush's guy. Yeah, and with Mike Pence, too. Yeah, he was old school neocon guys. Looney. Wait, so there was pregnant girls in your age in school.

Oh, yeah. Wow. And were their dads in the school, too? Yeah, they kept it quiet. Really? It was kind of like, he's got a kid. Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. How are they doing now? Yeah, probably dead. Mm. Yeah. Nice It's 21 18

Yeah Nice Both kind of late 18's late 18's late 16's like usually the normal I'm making it for last time though brother That's right

Yeah dude he's He's not cool but you're 40 It's sad You make it up for the last time You hit you hitting him You hit him up I knock him down He does he out he out

He out kicks his coverage like a motherfucker What do you mean out kicks his coverage I mean they're way hotter As a girl that he is as a guy Nice, Steve. I got tens. Oh, shit. There's some good-looking women that Ian is able to, you know.

Thank you. Yeah. That I get such attractive women? You get very beautiful women, yes. Thank you. Because I'm a beautiful person. You're a beautiful person on the inside, but it's just, it's just, never mind. I should be talking.

I'm sorry. Sorry for talking. What was that? You're a beautiful person on the inside, and you don't think I'm beautiful on the outside? I'm just trying to take that how attracted I am to. I don't think women care if you're attractive. And I think that, I do, I mean, obviously if you had, like, boils on your face, like, you look at the fucking elephant man or some shit. Nobody wants to fuck that, I guess.

But, like, the whole, I think for the most, well, I think there's, like, certain groups that probably get hit hard, the hardest, you know? But, like, for the most part, women, like, women only care about hot guys in high school. Yeah. And then they kind of even lose it in college or they're like, I want an interesting guy in college. I think that's, yeah. Why there's, like, such as weird epidemic of, like, guys being obsessed with other guys. looks of like giga chads and like all the shit because they have guys still have this such an immature view of like sex and sexuality and every they're all like uh girls only like attractive

guys and their jaw line and this and blah blah blah and it's like no you only care about that because you there's something wrong with you like the majority of women aren't going the issues these guys can't talk yeah the issue now i mean it's like how old do you i just hear 32 32 yeah yeah like everybody Like, it feels like everybody under the age of 25 does not even, they don't know how to talk to people. Like it's not even just girls. Like it used to be like, you would strike out. You're like, oh, I said the dumb thing. Yeah.

I said, oh, you know, like, oh, you're, you know, I said that whatever dumb thing I said. But now it's like they can't say anything. You got to strike out sometimes. It happens. You're going to strike out with everything in life. You got to fail and fuck up and mess up with everything. The only thing that way to get good at anything. flying a plane you want to do that one right the first time that's true but for the most part yes

what are things that you definitely can't make a mistake at heart surgery yeah although they do they do flying plane although they do raising a child i mean a lot of fucked up kids man yeah i mean who the fuck knows man who the fuck knows like it's all like you know like it seemed like the fucking rhiners were great fucking parents do you know what i mean and It's just like... It feels like luck of the draw, man. Can I say something? It's just a stabby cousin.

Like, you know, you know, when you were a kid, you're like, that cousin's a little stabby. Stay away from him. That's what I get when I look at Nick Ryan. I'm like, he's stabby. And then they're like saying, oh, he got in a fight with Bill Hader and a party. It's like, don't bring Bill Hater into this. He probably got, he probably got yelled at by the stabby kid and walked away.

Yeah. Well, what I don't like about all this is the deluge of information they have to release. Is everybody so thirsty for what happened? No one knows anything. So then every piece of information becomes sacrosanct in the terms of like this is what it is. And now this. I tell you what. Dude,

nobody knows fucking anything. We know a shitload more about this than a lot of the other shootings the past year. Well, we certainly know more about this and we do even about the Vegas shooting with Stephen Faddle. I agree with that, brother. High five. Second. Very different type of high five. And about a lot of the shootings, school shootings with trans kids.

And a lot of shootings with. presidents. And I don't think this Tyler Robinson kicked it. I don't know. Anything with the writing on a board? Here's the thing. Here's the thing is like he could have been involved. He could have been,

you know, there could have been an unseen hand pushing him similar to what happened to Oswald. And now like they can't find his fucking. I just want to walk back real quick. I didn't mean that there are like a million trans shootings or not. I'm just saying that with the preponderance of trans shootings, it's just so closed lips that we're,

It's a trans, but the last trans shooting was, it was, it was, the messages on the bullet seemed to, like, contradict each. It was weird. It was, it was. Right, right. Yes. And the, the person that went and shot up, like, the grades score, whatever, they, like, never released a manifesto or anything like that. And then, like, with, like, a, with, like, a, you know, seemingly regular, normal teen shooting, they're like, this was the, this was all of the information. It's, it's like, they play, they pick and choose what they want to release, which makes you go, hmm, I wonder why.

Well, the CIA is. put a lot of money into mind control programs. And I understand, you know, wasting the first 10 million on it. But if you keep spending money on it, there's probably something there. Yeah. I'm not saying this. Allegedly, by the way. Well, I, I, dude, the Rob Reiner thing is so incredibly heartbreaking and sad.

And just so, it's, it's just like, dude, I'm reading about it. I'm like, fucking, like, almost in tears and everything. But then I would watch interviews. and he did seem like overbearing in a way that like... The dad? Yeah, like the kid just like couldn't like get a word out and I can... Well, it seems like he was terrified about what the kid was going to say though. Well, yeah, but also at the same time, like it seemed like the kid was unwell and he was just like clamped down on a lot.

So he was just like rebelling and everything. So it seemed like Rob Reiner loved him so much. He's pretty fucking wildly mentally ill this kid. Totally, totally, totally. What I'm saying is to try to like love your kid through something like that is so like wonderful and beautiful. But at the same time, when someone is that way, it's like I couldn't imagine the balance between I want to love you and take care of you through this or we're going to put you somewhere else. Because as Rob Reiner is like trying to control and make things easier for him, this kid is just taking it as like, you're controlling me. So I'm going to act out.

It's like I couldn't imagine having to find the balance of that is what I'm trying to say. If you're struggling with reality and your dad's one of the, dad is this beloved famous person. Yeah. And you're like, and you're watching videos and you're like, I'm seeing this guy in real life. You're like,

why isn't this? I mean, it must be very frustrating too. If you're like, all of these people around me are fucking killing it. And I'm struggling right now. Uh, because I don't,

you know, I'm kind of a prisoner of my own fucking mind. Well, the last pictures of him were like, goo. Yeah. I mean, you just don't,

you know, I, I don't, I don't, I don't know. I think sometimes it's just, you know, it's just kind of luck of the fucking draw because, you know, you hear like, you'll hear like the story about like the fucking parent that wasn't there, beat the fuck out of the kid every day drunk and then they turn out to be, you know, fine. And then you hear the, you know, like the Rob Ryder story of, oh, my God, they were in every recital or whatever the fuck. And it turns out to be a nightmare. So. Well, there's one interview clip of Rob Ryder and be like he loves WWF. Tell him about the top. you met the big show and he was like that was my brother and he's like you were there and he goes i wasn't there that time he's like no but but you also met tristratus and he's like that was still my

brother it was just such a thing of rob rider john he'd be like no i'm a good dad and i just seems like a really funny rob rider scene yeah yeah like at the end of it he goes he'll get the chicken salad you know curb your enthusiasm music starts playing that was my brother then da da da da da da and so i didn't know but in with when harry met sally he was originally going to have harry and sally not work out together, but he met his wife on the set and they came together and he changed the ending. That's kind of beautiful. That is so beautiful.

It's actually, you know, yeah, it's, it's, it is, by the way, because this is going to be coming out, I guess, in two weeks this episode. So we don't, we don't know if this happened. But it is going to be wild if fucking Trump shit on Rob Reiner and then four days later got us into a war with Venezuela. That is the craziest. Oh. That is going to be the craziest sequence of events.

Like, oh, him shitting on Rob Reiner was so fucking disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. And especially coming out with Charlie Kirk and being like, no one should be speaking ill of the dead. And it's like, dude, I don't know. He didn't even want to talk to about, like, not to turn this as like a Trump episode, but he didn't even want to talk about Charlie Kirk. Like, as soon as after it happened. Oh, yeah.

He was like, oh, the ballroom. Yeah, yeah, the ballroom doing great. Yeah. Yeah, the ballroom thing was so much fun. Oh, my God. Yeah. Let him fucking have a ballroom. That's clearly the only thing I actually don't.

I don't hate him the way a lot of liberals hate it. I'm independent politically, I guess. But like, because I look at him as like, this guy is like, has a, he, undiagnosed personality disorder. It's the clearest thing in the world. Like, we can't expect this guy to be. This guy isn't capable. He doesn't have the, you know.

But the thing that gets stuck in his crawl more than anything is the rejection of Hollywood. Like, because he's a bullshit guy. And that's why he hated Rob Ryan. I bet Ryan turned him away from a party or something. Like so against. I mean, it's frustrating. I mean, I could, you know, like, he's probably pissed off. He's probably like, you know, when I had the biggest show on TV,

people were talking about the wire and sopranos, you know, like, he was probably, like, you didn't get, like, well, one, you have to make a choice, dude. Like, sometimes, you know, do you want popularity? Do you think we'll go to war with Venezuela? I do. Unfortunately. Lindsey Graham's really pulling from it. Well, he's a real fucking piece of shit.

But I can't say enough horrible things that Lindsay. but I think it'll be a small coordinated bombing. I don't think it'll be boots on the ground. I think that would mean without a draft, there's no event as well. The Army of Venezuela is not like a pushover army. It's not like Papua New Guinea. So I think maybe we'll see some coordinated attack.

And then the whole international community will come down on us. And already Schumer, which is like why I'm not a Democrat anymore, by the way. Ready Schumer's like, well, let's just see what happens first. And you're like, you're fucking useless. You're fucking useless. Did you see what he did the other day when, uh, apparently before every speech, he's always like, as always, I just want to say, go bills. And he was, he was, he was announcing the, he was announcing the, uh, Hanukkah shooting in

Australia. And he goes, we have some horrible news today. But first, as I always say, go bills. There's a terrible shooting in Australia. But you never, like, dude. Dude, this guy's... What are you talking about? You're working in this.

Like, D.C. is not real. Like, we've all done comedy in D.C. I've never done comedy in D.C. Oh, you've never done comedy. I had to date in D.C. and I had to cancel because I got sick. Well, D.C., I've done D.C. a lot. And it's basically what D.C. is. They always say, like, a...

Stephen Comoleer makes the joke, like, oh, it's a chocolate. It's the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And there is, like, a truth to that. Why do they call a chocolate city? Because it's a mostly black city. And then the middle of it. it there's just all white people in congress and senate and the what why are you shaking your head you know why no i don't what did i do wrong you just said because of the black people yeah yeah

yeah but why is that racist coming out of my no i didn't think anything was racist let me finish no tell me what's wrong nothing what i'm proud what i'm about to say is what i think it's more it's less of uh in my mind and the black people there sound like this yeah yeah it's what i woke at it is it's a real city surrounding a fake city. Like in D.C., like, if you go to, like, a bar in D.C. And you hear, like, these, like, lobbyists talk. They're, like, talking about, like, we got to do something about Russia. And you're like, no one else is talking about this.

No one else in the fucking United States of America is talking about Russia, like it's the 1950s. Only you guys at this one fucking D.C. bar because you're trying to get a good lobbyist job, you fucking part of the problem piece of shit. Oh, sounds like. Tell them, Dan. Tell him. Tell them. Tell them. You have a chance right now for 30 seconds.

Tell them. No war. But seriously, no fucking war. What is the point of this? War is over if you want it. What are they going to say? What are they going to say about Venezuela? We're going to find fucking Bin Laden again.

He came out of the clock fucking casket and the coral reef and now is running shit over there. I like when you stumble in your words. He came out of the clock, closet, closet, closet, claws. Osama bin Laden came out of the closet. I'm a combination of... I have news for everybody. I'm a combination of... You did 9-11?

Yes, but I am also gay. He does it Kevin Spacey thing. I'm sorry about 9-11. I'm gay. That is hilarious. Under his fucking term. He thinks he's going to be saved. There would be somebody on the left.

You would act out too. If you were to get you in my culture. I was actually, I was speaking of Osama and Wadne and gay guys, I mean, this is tangential, but I was reading about the Afghanistan lady boy culture, and that's really fucked up. Wow. What about it? How much are your tickets to Afghanistan? Last episode was great, but I think this is better even.

Wait. Wait, tell us about this beautiful, enriched culture. Well, it's just because, I don't know, it's like a loophole thing where if they, if they have some orphan boys dress up like girls, then it's not gay. Oh, like Takia in Islam. It's like Sony logic. Yeah. That's so awesome. Like Takia, where you're allowed to lie in Islam if it pushes forward Islam?

No, I think a couple of religions have that. But like, I think almost every sect, every group of people have that. I'm going to lie to every, but I do think that that, I mean, what has. happened was that's that's actually one of the reasons Taliban was able to get I mean that getting in power is that like they did have the people's support because those were like war awards doing that and then the Taliban came in

and killed a lot of those guys that were doing that. So that's pretty bad if the can't wait until the Taliban cleans this place up if you're at that point in your life you're like yeah man things are probably better when the Taliban used to run this place. That's what people say when they come to my apartment. Taliban. Yeah they're the guardian

angels of the Middle East. So you can go to Afghanistan and be with a boy as long as it's a stress of a girl. We see what he took from this conversation, guys. I'm just trying to... So you're telling me there's a chance. You can have my romance together. As long as I do...

Spring break Afghanistan. What happened to Ian? Don't thread me with an Islam a bad time. Pakistan. I know. I know. No. You would really not be cut out for the Taliban.

Ooh. I'd be Tehran out of town. It's not the same culture. Okay. Tehran is in Iran. I know. Well, they don't really like their thing is they don't really believe me. Would it have been so funny if you did the Riyadh festival?

There's lady boys over there? I'm going to. I run there. What? If you did the Riyadh festival. We have to get Ian Fidens. Yeah, that would be like the closest they have to a woman on stage, Ian. They're like, all right, we're going to hit that woman,

but we need a step in between women and men. Guys, I'm bisexual. Ian Fidance. You can be into both men and women? I'm dancing to Arabian nights. You look at the coconut bra. Most killed, maybe. He was executed by 800,000 people.

It was like the scene of airplane There's like a line waiting around the fucking building to execute him They all have different execution tools It's like the short story of the lottery It's just everybody in the town throws stokes at you Dude I really am I think their worst enemy over there Yeah culturally right everything I embody I mean I think so you're not well you're not Jewish

No So it's just a gay thing Percentage Okay well I mean everybody's a little less enough My old neighbor was this blind Egyptian. Yes. And we used to do acid and smoke weed together. And we'd walk around my neighborhood.

And when his cousins that he lived with, who were like hardline Muslim, like only spoke in Muslim. They only spoke in Muslim. They would be like singing songs coming down the street. And then we would walk up to them. And they would see me. And they'd immediately change our two. and be like, me like,

like, angrily talk about me. And I'm like, what? I think. Are you sure they didn't just see your comedy? Dude, I brought him to a comedy show once.

I brought him to a comedy show. And he was like a six foot four blind Egyptian guy. And he had a huge stick. And I didn't tell Luke Monez that he was with me. And so Luke Monez came up to me. He was like, dude, there's some like blind,

like middle Eastern man in the back of the room. And he kept bouncing his cane on the floor. Oh. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I was like, I was like, oh, that's my neighbor, mangoes. Because I called them mangoes, because when you're blind, you have to introduce yourself every time. You're basically the closest thing we have to, like, Johnny Appleseed. What?

Now, you're like a sex positive, uh, urban legend. Just the worst urban legend of the series, I thought. We don't watch that baby tonight. Anyway, I called, I called my blind friend mangoes. so that when I was walking down the street, he would know it was me instead of going, hey, it's Ian, I would just go mangoes. And he'd go, hello, Ian.

He starts, like, using you as a guide dog. Hey, Ian, can't get one of those marbrows? Yeah, bro. I forgot you're a fucking smoker. Oh, you guys are the last, too. I should have offered it to you earlier. I have my little jewelie jewel here. Oh, love that.

Love a little treat. How long have you been smoking at him? Oh, not very, I've once in, like, a month or so. You know you guys are over 30, right? The way you said that was like, hey, you smoke too? I was like, what are you juniors in high school? Oh, man. Dude, you know they used to smoke in high schools and at my mom's high school?

Seriously? My mom's at the school called Mount Pleasant. And then later they called it Mount Pregnant because everyone would get pregnant. Because your mom went to school there. Fucking set that one up. You put that right on the table for us to just pick it up. I should tase myself. But they had a smoking area for the students

Called the smoke pit And all the students would go out back And the teachers would smoke with them Life used to be so cool Yeah, he used to be so cool Yeah, he used to smoke cigarettes with the teachers God, really? Yeah, sometimes.

God, that's awesome And we would, we had one with gym We would get like all the time We would go to gym And the guy, me and my friend Were in the same gym class It was just me, him and the coach For this guy's awesome

This guy coach, T-car, he's probably dead now But well, gosh, T-card. Yes? No, he was a white guy. But I'm glad you got that voice. I'm glad he got that voice in, folks. Thank God. He was sitting on that fucking Apu impression.

The problem with Aaronabalu just like, like, drifts into frame and just like, then Akash comes in. Actually, it's fine. They start fighting. Ian starts making out with a cautious wife. Like Rog and John Robots. Oh, my God. Anyway, he would just.

He would just let us, like, we would, like, practice pro wrestling moves and smoke cigarettes. And he was like, well, you guys aren't athletes. Do what you need to do. He was, like, 10-year-ty. He was totally checked out. It was great. He was also, there was also one guy who, like, my friend, my friend Amar, who is actually an Indian guy who didn't talk like that. Dude, he did.

But he was in the bathroom smoking a cigarette. And then one of, one of our teachers came in and goes, hey, toilets of her pissing her shit and move on. And he didn't like, right. rat him out. I was like that was pretty fucking cool, man. That's great. That happened to me when I was teaching one time, this kid threw a bag of of weed on my desk. He's like, what do you think of this, Callie Cush? I was like, I think when I turn

back around, if it's still there, I'm taking it home and smoking it. He was like, all right. Nice. What you taught? Yeah. Would you teach? Hard knocks. Yeah, yeah. taught them what not to do? He taught these Baltimore kids to defend themselves in the mean streets.

I taught Well, I got my degree in secondary English education grade 7 to 12. Okay. And then I was a full-time sub in New York City. And then I came back and taught as a test prep instructor for Kaplan for history, math, and English. But this was in Brownsville when I was substitute teaching. Oh, my God. I didn't know you were subbing in Brownsville.

Mr. Ian, what's Shane Gillis like? Is he as tall as I think? Yeah, the one score You guys are making fucking cigarettes look good right now. Thank you. They're a nice tree. Yeah. Have one.

Why are you guys being such a person? I'm not allowed to smoke. Should I have a cigarette on this pocket? Or I'll have a cigarette on the podcast. It's a Christmas cigarette. I'll have it for a buck. I don't know if I'll be able to smoke this with that coughing anymore. We'll get through it.

James can't have one because he left his balls at home with his girlfriend. Oh! You fucking piece of shit! You have a big. She bitch. Oh, Oh, yeah.

Cigarette. James, James, James, James, James, James. James. James. Yeah, we made it. We did a cigarette party. I've done 11 of these this year.

This will be the most retarded. Yeah. Let's go. We're going to beat that. We're going to beat that. Yeah. What thing you should know about me? Now, let's peer pressure works on me every time.

Now, let's tell our cigarettes. Yeah, Dan, no, wait. Did it. No. Oh, my God, you guys are such... Oh, my God. Are you serious? Just finish it, Dan.

Dan, yeah, you do. Don't put it out, Dan. They're expensive, Dan. Dan, no, smoke another. Let's see it. You look cool. Mr. Ian, when's Comptown coming back? Mr. Ian, they had chemistry.

Mr. Ian, does... Does Nick Muller really make up all that stuff on the spot? Do you a townmate to come? Do they like you? I can't tell if you're an object to kill a friend. If you guys are friends or you just a punch of bad. Every episode the last like month just bad black boys. Why are you always getting trouble on Twitter?

You know what happened is I said. I said, stop tweeting. This is from fucking two episodes where I said Fitty instead of 50 cent and I fucking opened a Pandora box of fucking Tommy Davidson voices. When I started he's fucking doing it too.

Now this is just become an alt-right podcast. We should just have Richard Spencer Belli did. Did St. Germain Jackson? Dan St. Germain Jackson, you better learn how to sing or beat the fuck out of you.

We live in Gary, Indiana. You little fuck. You learn those pipes. A, B, C, one, two, three, you and me. Haldi Amati, look it up. Holy shit. Adam Gilbert Arenas? Go!

What's up? Gilbert Arinas is a basketball player. He was the guy who got in trouble with the gun. I haven't seen that Netflix documentary about him. I hear it's awesome. Oh, I don't know. It's called, like, Shooting Stars or something. It's like a pun.

Oh, I like that. Shooting guards or something like that. I like that. But he was hilarious because he got caught for the gun in the locker room or something. And then the next week, after a foul celebration, he started doing the guns. That's awesome. That's cool. Yeah.

Good for him. No, no, finish. No, I can't finish that singer. Either finish or kill your senator. Last week, I tried to M.K. Ultradan. He's trying to kill me a couple times. He had tased me a couple times. The Dan Chirian candidate.

I need to kill the president. I have to kill Chuck Schomer. That would be funny if they, that is actually hilarious, like a plot for a dumb comedy. Like the CIA accidentally M.K. Ultra is the wrong guy. And they were M.K. Ultra, like, I'm really out of shape guys. Yeah. We got to get this guy in shape to fucking kill the president. M.K. Ultra Jonah Hill.

M.K. Ultra Jonah Hill. No, let's do it. That's our movie, Dan. We MK. Ultra You. And now what happens? Do you think that there's a possibility that they put some mind control stuff in? I always thought like when senators would be like,

it's final video games, this bullshit. Yeah. Like, but I am, like, I'm just playing the new Doom and I'm like, if, if, if, if my synapses weren't firing straight, like, I could see how, like, playing this could be a bad thing for me. Doom the Dark Ages? What? Yeah. I didn't like it as much

as the other one, but... Eternal's better. Really? I like the one fucking before Dark Ages. I like the Turtle. I like the Turtle way more than Dark Ages. Eternal you're like a fighter jet.

Dark Ages, you're like a tank. I think video games have desensitized people to violence and death. Sure. So is Matt shootings every day. Conversation. Well, just that, that, I shouldn't talk. But that mode of thinking is wrong. It's like been proven incorrect.

How is it being proven incorrect? Well, like, to be proven incorrect. Well, like, to be. I'm actually saying it from a different angle because they basically... I'm talking about secret messaging through the video games. I'm actually talking about... Okay, MKL. Yeah, but...

Yeah, I'm talking about that. I'm not talking about whether they... Because I don't think violent movies do that. But I do think that you could put messaging and subliminal messaging in different video games. Well, yeah, and if you're in a Discord and there's feds in there that are like edging you towards certain thinking or ideas or... or sciopping you into thinking the things that are brought up are good ideas. I mean, that's really scary. I don't know if they need to do that anymore.

See people like Nick Fuentes being like, yeah, Hitler rocks. So if somebody listens to that, then they're getting the subliminal stuff just straight up now. Like, I feel like those guys. Right, but is he a fed or is he a sci-op or is he just a regular guy that is now getting an audience. Right now, I mean, what it seems like from like, you know, somebody who doesn't really have skim in the game. Well, I guess I do because I'm an American. You live here. Yeah, but like I'm not like, I'm registered Republican,

but it does seem like that there is some sort of civil war within the CIA right now, determining, you know, what America's direction is. So, yeah, I think things are going to get very bizarre. This sucks. Let's smoke more cigarettes and talk like black people. That's actually how they end up talking like that. It's just the government keeps doing that to them. They're like, God damn!

They're being sciopped. Yeah, they're being sciop. funny. But it is kind of crazy to think that like somebody could like just kind of brainwash you and then you don't remember any of it. I mean, that's what they say about alien abductions all the time too. Didn't they say that? Kurt Metzker said this on Lauren Compton's podcast. A lot of people are paying all this money for Taylor Swift concerts and they're getting like brainwash to the point where they can't tell you a thing that happened at the concert.

Like they're leaving the concert completely just wiped of their memory. That's also just having fun in the concert. Yeah, I don't know. He would tell you what songs she sang. I'd be like, I had a great guy. You think? Well, Metsker was telling me, it was like he went to gifted and talented and he didn't remember anything. He didn't think anything happened there.

What's gifted and talented? Well, gifted and talented was a program when we were kids. I thought those are two black comics. No. Those are the early Hodge twins were gifted and talented. Talented, you want. But they may have. But they think.

They want to give him. Wads over there. Let's stop. Let's stop. We're going to have a movement launched against us soon. It's mainly to make James laugh. It's been pretty funny. No, you're not cutting any of this out. What are we talking about again?

What were we just talking about? The two hottest comics on the scene, Gifted and Talented. Who were they again? Gifted and talented. Yeah, so I'm asking you to that. He doesn't remember anything. What's gifted and talented? Well, Gifted and Talented was for the kids who were gifted and talented.

Really, you know, excelled at something. And a lot of the studies, and a lot of, and there's belief that Ross Coldheart, who's a news nation anchor who's on our podcast, Burbs Bros, talked about this. But the gifted and talented was essentially a farming ground for the CIA to find remote viewers. I was in gifted and talented. Do you remember it? That's why you keep trying to censor us because you work for the CIA. Yeah. So you do remember it.

Yeah, a little bit. He works to the CNN. Well, then there goes. There pops the bubble. Maybe you weren't like remote feeling. Isn't that the theory about the kid that shot at Trump because he was in a black rock commercial and they found him through like a special needs class?

He was in a black rock commercial. I didn't know that. Somebody just yelled at me for shitting on black rock in my Instagram stories. I'm like, well, you are, if this is, you're standing for black rock or you out of your fucking. What was the context of you shitting on those? I just put it.

I haven't done anything wrong. No, I just put it in my stories about, you know, what they're doing as far as, you know, reselling homes to, you know, exorbitant prices to drive. the property values up in the new red. You know what is tangential to BlackRock, what's happening is private equity firms are buying up veterinary hospitals and jacking up all the prices to make shareholders rich.

And then the people that work at the vet hospitals are not making any money. And it's happening all across the country. And I experienced that with my cat at the hospital. And I don't know what for. Oh, veterinary. At first I thought you meant like veterans hospitals. No, those guys will never get the money they need. Yep, that's right.

These, no, it feels like there's a, like, especially the Trump administration, almost feels like everyone's just kind of looting the country before it completely crumbles. Yeah, totally. Like the vet bills are crazy and they've doubled the past couple years. But even what was going on when they brought the crown prince of Saudi Arabia over and, you know, all this talk with guitar and Saudi Arabia, blah, blah, blah. And then it comes out that Jared Kushner is, is, has bought up a bunch of land and they're putting hotels in Saudi Arabia, like Trump. Oh, yeah. and everything. It's like, how is that clearly not a conflict of interest?

Well, because what the fucking problem was, I'll tell you what happened is the Democrats wasted all their fucking time pushing Russia gate, which wasn't real. So it's like the boy who cried wolf. Like once you start, like, if we don't trust you the first time, we're not going to trust you the second time. And the reason they didn't go after stuff like this is because they benefit from it. Pelosi just came out against stock fucking trading. Like she was fucking benefiting that from decades, you know, like these guys, they're all

part of the same fucking problem. They all go to the same parties and they all have the same. And that's why I voted Slewa. Honestly, I don't agree with him, but I do think he was the guy who personality-wise, I trusted the most in that. And not to piss me out the most.

Every single person goes. You know, I do like Slewa, but he's going to lose. I'm going to vote for the other. And it's like, dude, that's a problem. Vote for the guy you like.

Well, I think, I mean, Silla didn't have the plans that, I mean, he didn't come in. Well, because Cuomo's a piece of shit. He should have dropped.

out instead of fucking co-opting the Democratic court. Still didn't have like running in the panel. Silla didn't didn't like he didn't have the mandate that, uh, that Zoron had or the plans of Zoran. Oh, of course. And it's like, you know, now we're in the hands of Zoran. I hope things turn out well. And, you know, I think he really believes in him guys.

I think, I still don't know his stance on cats. I know where Slee was stood. Anyone who is a cat guy. He was like your Obama. Dude, he was, oh my God. He was going to turn Gracie Man. into a cat sanctuary. He was going to have initiatives to take care of all the...

Because the city is being overrun with a bunch of stray cats because it costs so much to spay and neuter cats. And Slewa had like a big plan for it. I mean, they did just legalize... There are other issues, though, in Manhattan besides the cat problem. Round the homeless up, kill them, throw them in a landfill. Cats, we get to take care of. Homeless could take care of themselves.

Cats are helpless little guys. What would you do if you saw somebody... kick a cat on the street, would you, what would you do? Yeah. Don't even get me started. No, I want to, I'm getting started. What would you do?

I would insert myself into the situation, just like I have when I saw a man kick a woman on the street. What'd you do? I went and bought myself and got him off the woman. Yeah. Really? Yes. That's really cool.

You fucking pushed him off, just took his pants down and started sucking, just sucking real hard. That'd be really nice if you did that. That'd be a heroic. I legitimately did that, yeah. Good. Yeah.

I've done that a couple times where I've got it in the way of, guys doing fucked up shit to other people on the street. But he punched me for trying to kiss my wife the other day. Good. Yeah, I know. If I saw someone hurting a cat, I would be so upset. Yes, I would get involved. Tear him up.

Mm-hmm. Good for you, man. But if I saw someone hitting their kid, I don't know if I get involved. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah, I mean, it is a weird. When somebody's, like, like, pulling on their kid, you're like, oh, God, am I going to have to fucking have the most awkward?

I know. I know. But then you got to think, like, man, kids. to really misbehave. Maybe they got the right idea. Well, that should I be. The kids are so fuck up now. You're like,

maybe we should have hit him. I don't know. I feel like that would fuck me up too. Like some guy intervening in like my dad. That's the thing. I like, you totally emasculate the dad. That would take it out on the kid when you get home.

Yeah. And also like there's there's something in our like DNA of like familial like lion cub. Like don't get involved with my pride. Like don't get involved with my kid. Yeah. You know. That could like trigger some like,

crazy thing. Sure. I don't know. Yeah, that's weird because I've, don't get my turning point family involved.

What? That's like, that's an Erica Kirk has been saying. Really? She's like, I haven't really been watching, any, anyone that they criticize.

She's like, they're part of my family. And you're like, well, you're the head of the organization. Jesus. Yeah. Counting or not counting domestic violence.

Her, her eyes and everything, she's just a weird, weird, weird, weird woman, man. It's so weird. And all of the, the shit coming out about her, you know, she was in Trump's like beauty page and then that school

Romania and sex trafficking. And her, did her and Charlie Kirk meet in Israel and then now she's like, he would come home on Friday and say Shabbat Shalom, guess who's home? It's like, what are you talking about? You know what? They should follow up and ask what voice did he use when he did that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does a black voice. Is everyone doing black voice? Shabbat Shalom! Guess who's home? Sorry, I just saw these two guys gifted and talented. They were on. They're funny. They're almost just going to watch alone.

Yeah, it's fucking crazy. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have the answers. I don't know. Thank God no one wants them from me. Some people do. Does anyone, who, who, how do you like go to you for advice, you think?

For, like, legitimate advice, a lot. I feel, and we were talking about this the other day. I feel, uh, a lot of people go, I think I give really good advice. I think I get thoughtful advice. And, you know, for as much as I play, like, the fool or the, you know, like, wacky, whoa, everything's crazy. Like, I feel like I do a very good grounded logic. And I'll say this about Ian.

And I'll say this about my fucking self, too. Fuck it. But, like, you know, back in the day, like, most of the comics could not have survived the seller ribbing. And I'm talking about, like, back in the pre-degree days. Right. You and me would have survived it. Yeah.

I feel like, you and me, what is it? Like, we're the, like, but like, a lot of comics, now I feel like that they have no like they can't take shit at all like they can't take it and you say anything to them and they're like they're like do the fake laugh thing you know well I can take it and I can give it back like really good and I like getting ribbed

and giving it back and everything as long as I'm as I'm able to give it back then I'm fine yeah but if I sniff out that it's like really like malicious or hateful I have no problem confronting anyone about it you know Dan has that happened when you tried riffing with another comic and they were like whoa

dude I've had comics say crazy shit to me I had a comic tell me that they've never truly bombed. What? That was insane. Who? I'm not going to say. I'll talk to you after. But I'm not, no, I'm not.

That one I'm not going to take. But I've heard plenty of crazy stuff. Yeah. You know, like by, but I also understand, like, here's the, other, the flip side of that, deciding to do stand-up is so fucking insane. Deciding to grab a microphone and be like, I'm going to force you guys to laugh at me, takes a psychotic amount of confidence that I do believe that you do I have to think you're one of the best in the world or the best I've never really thought that but like now I'm trying to adopt that because I'm like no no I'm fucking great you know like but well not only that the the unmitigated confidence to keep going and going and going when you're like in basements with five people and like I mean if you look back at the people we've like started with or seen through the years and many people have stopped you like whoa i got a question i am like a delusional insane person for making

this work i have i i'll ask you both this and i mean like i think i already know your answer because it's my answer but if you had to right now start out from where you started out in comedy to get to where you are now would you do it you mean the same amount of years yes the amount of all that shit if i started now at 40 yeah i would at 55 i'd finally be like success or Nor like if you start, well, no, I could say you'll be successful again in your 40s. Let's take that away. But if you had to go through this process again, would you do? Because I wouldn't.

I'm telling you that right now. Wait, starting way back when and doing it. Yes, I would probably go into business or something like that. I would like because I would not, I would be like, oh, really, I have to deal with fucking years of open mics and not dating and being broke all the fucking time and being terrified about money. I think I would do it again. But if I were to, if you were to say you have to, would you start comedy? again, but today in this time frame, in this world,

in 2025, would you start now? I would not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Nowadays? Anytime I see someone that's like, yeah, I just started, I've been doing it for a year or two. I'm like, you're a crazy person. Yeah. I don't know. I would. I would do it all over again.

We're insane and I think we would just do it no matter what. I think it's hard starting now with, I feel bad for the younger, the kids who think they need to start putting out clips like the first couple years. I didn't put out a clip until like three or four years in. Sure.

Even then that was early. I feel bad keeping my stuff up from when I was like five years in. But anybody that asked me for advice or like, hey, I'm a new comic. What do you suggest? I'm like, dude, go have the most fun. Find your people. Bomb together and don't post any clips. Yeah, yeah.

You did a bag of dicks for the first like, yeah, five years. But the whole thing is, I remember I did a show at NYU and this kid was already at 300,000 YouTube. And he turned out to be that guy Sneako, who was like, Oh, yeah, he's like a fucking Holocaust man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like he already had, I was like, well, I'm not going to give. It was so great because he gave him to me, goes, oh, my parents like you.

And I'm like, God, I'm old. Holy shit, I'm old. And, yeah, he already had figured it out. He had done stand-up seven. And he was telling me how he goes, yeah, you just have to say this in the video is the thumbnail. And he figured that part out way before. Well, that's the thing where it's like, I just, you know, that's the part of show business. it's always been tough for me.

And it feels like that's that part you need more than anything else if you start now. Right, the marketing and like the what to say in the thumbnail and how it should look. It's like, yeah, I don't know any of that. I read that book, The Comedians by Cliff Nesterhoff. You guys ever read that? It made me feel a lot better about it. Just like the history of American comedy is so fucking volatile. Like every decade it's been the same conversation.

It's like people are going like, I don't know how the fuck to adapt to the radio to Botville, to, TV. Oh, that's interesting. And then seeing, like, how the clubs kind of started out, like, it just reminds me of, like, all the complaints we have. But just, like, slightly worse, because it was just so long ago. Like, I think the comedy store used to not pay you at all for spots. Oh, yeah.

Now it's just, like, the pay is low, but it was, like, still kind of the same things we're arguing about now. So I feel like when we're adult, like, not adults, we're adults now, but, like, 20 years we'll probably be saying the same things looking back now. Well, I just think it's getting, it's just harder and harder because, you're, You don't, I do think it's much more different than it ever has been. I do I think it could be way different in 10 years? Perhaps.

It's so dependent on the technology. Yeah. I think a lot of people are thinking, why don't I get a following first, doing something else and then start stand up rather than like I want to start stand up to be like a great stand up. Yeah, which is when you start with the first, you're usually going to fail. Even if it isn't now, it'll just be down the road. Like that's Niko guy.

It doesn't do stand up anymore, right? I doubt it. I mean, he can't make money off. He can't make money off. But, you know, I always say this. This is something I do say this. And it is a little bit corny, but it is true to every new comic who's starting out where I was like, you can get the best thing from comedy in the beginning, which is writing a new joke and the joke working.

I still don't think there's any better feeling than that. I don't think, like, any accomplishment that I've had, any TV appearance, nothing is cool as coming up with something and then having it killed for the first time. And so, like, okay, so, like, that's available to you today. You can have that today. And if that's enough of a high, then you should be doing this. I started when I was, like, 19. And, yeah, that's that first open mic set where you do well. It's just you're chasing that for the rest of your life.

Nothing's come close to that. Like, seeing people look at you differently after you went up and seeing like, especially when I started when I was like 19, so like seeing girls like smile. I mean, like, just still that memory of how good that felt. You're just, nothing has topped that. The seller hasn't topped that. Nothing has. No, it really is a joke, you know, like a new joke working for the first time.

That's the sweet spot. When I would teach and I would be explaining something and a student would be like, oh, and they would like get it. Yeah. I would almost. He's gay. Oh. I would almost. She's a gay guy.

I would almost feel like this feeling from like my toes of my head of like, like this almost like a like a. electricity and I get that same feeling when I come up with a joke on the spot or you plug in that piece that works. Like I still get that same shot of electricity and those are the only two things for me that were like relatable. It's like finally getting things to formulate in a way that like my students could understand things and it made sense of them. And I guess like that is what a joke is is getting someone to understand the point of what you're doing, which is to elicit laughter. Yeah. Well, I think even like I think that is going to be the one thing I will agree. with fucking Ben Shapiro on, which is crazy.

I agree with anything on him. But like he talks about, he talks about UBI, universal basic income. And he's like, well, there will be another problem in the fact that you do need purpose in life. And, you know, I do think the point of life is to create, whether that's an other kid or whether that's a piece of art or a technology or an invention. I do think that. So like once you're taking that away from somebody, what is, what does society look like? Well, I would say it's like getting unemployment, right?

Like when I've been unemployed, I haven't just done nothing. I've usually done way more stand-up or I'm focused on something else. Oh, dude, I couldn't have done like without, like, you know, I lost a writing job early this year. And then, you know, I was very lucky. I sold a show to Fox at Dan Soder. Hopefully, fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. But we were working on that.

And I would not have been able to work on all these projects that I'm working on now. And when I was, like, actually working at a place I was doing less writing, way less writing that I'm doing now. You know, and that's, no, there is some, I mean, that is the between. But that is also because you guys have that thing in you that's driving you to create, make something. But not everybody has that. Not everybody has, like, a creative endeavor that they need their time offloaded on to focus on. You know, when you have someone that has, but again, it's like purpose, finding that purpose. That was like a big thing of like Vonnegut and Bukowski of like create, just make, make something.

Yeah. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. You will feel the juice is slow. Especially Vonnegut. He would have killed himself if he did. with the PTSD from World War II. But I have a question. You get $20 billion to Mars.

You don't have to work or whatever. What do you do? I'm still working. Like, I'm still doing stand-up. You're still doing the same? I'm still doing stand-up. I'm still working. I'm, like, wanting to maybe buy a bunch of yarn and start trying to knit things.

Yeah, I really wish you hadn't included that part. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like, cool. Like maybe like, maybe like, go and buy a garage with tools that I can build cat castles for my cats. Yeah, cat castle.

I would, you know, I would finish the projects I'm finishing now. I do one more comedy special. And if that one didn't pop, I think I would go back to school for history and start writing nonfiction. Wow. But that's only if that didn't pop. I also would take that $20 million. I would write a history of yarn. And bribe the state of New York City to let me assist in suicide myself.

I wish there was a word for when you assisted suicided yourself. I think we've been assisted suiciding ourselves every day. Like a solo assistant suicide. That explains our friendship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of what I do in life is assisting a future suicide. Statler and Waldorf with guns to their heads. And gifted it to tell you was sideway going to the end.

Hey, kid, hang in there. And then they hang themselves. Give it you first, then me. All right, that's the show. Thank you guys with tuning in. Adam Gilbert, so funny. What do you want the people at home to check out? Hey, all right.

Is this going to be coming out before January? In two weeks. No. Okay, so in January, I am in Detroit, January 16th at the Independent Comedy Club. I'm at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago on January 17th. Yes. And then the comedy fall in Batavia on the 18th. Wonderful.

Then I'll be in Pittsburgh on the 23rd at, handsome man comedy. Hello, yum. Seems like a guy just, why'd you to have sex with you? I know. So I'm going to be getting plowed in Pittsburgh.

The club's called Handsome Man Comedy. If you want to come watch that, I'll be making... I'm getting... I'm getting... I'm getting fucked. I'm getting fucked.

And then I'll be in Fargo, North Dakota, January 30th. Sorry, I tried to be excited about that one. All weekend. You should play the Fargoard sound track the whole time. The soundtrack's a bomb. I am in Dallas Comedy Club

January 9th and 10th and then I am at the Creek the next week that Thursday, I believe it's January 15th or 16th. And then I will be at Comedy on Carlson in the Don Rickles Room in top of March. So check that out. I have my specials on YouTube.

Please follow me on Instagram, DanSaint.germaine. And check out my podcast, Burbs Bros, where we talk about UFOs and the paranormal. It's a lot of fun. Very different than this, but still fun. Yes. Hi, everybody.

I Animal 6.9 on Instagram, eamfinance.com for all my dates and tickets. January 8 through 10th, I'm in Denver, Colorado at Denver Comedy Works. The following weekend, I'm at Comics Mohican Sun in Uncansville, Connecticut, and I'm doing the Emo's Not Dead Cruise. And then I will also be in Austin at the end of January, January, January 29th, February 1st at Cap City Comedy. And then I'm going to be in Dayton, Portland, Maine, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Baltimore. and we're going all over, Ianfinance.com for tickets,

YouTube.com slash Ian Finance Comedy for my travel show, Ian Doe, an odd guy doing odd jobs, coming out with YMH Network, January 20th. So that is something I'm very much looking forward for you guys to see. And Patreon.com slash be in Ian pod,

punchup. Dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. And we will see you next time. Happy New Year, everybody. Oh, when this comes out, I will have been 41, December 31st, 41.

That's right. 41. Lots of fun. Yes. Do you want to just call you and sing you happy birthday this year? I would love that. Do you want me to do it at the New Year? Only if you wrap it, motherfucker, come on.

All right, bye.