Bein' Ian With Jordan - Graham & Me & Me W/Graham Kay | Bein' Ian with Jordan #201

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

Delaware Den favorite Graham Kay stops by to chat about his smash-hit show Pete & Me, becoming a father, & life on the road. SUB TO OUR PUNCHUP FOR EXCLUSIVES! All of our dates AND bonus episodes are now available in one convenient place, all for the same price as the Patreon! Visit punchup.live/beinianwithjordan Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/ska Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Follow Graham! https://instagram.com/mrgrahamkay Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride when you're being in and life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live alive

being in with Jordan welcome back to to another episode of being in with Jordan. We are here live in the hive down in the Delaware den and eggs come from chickens called hens. You want to know what that is? Yeah.

Last time you zap me. Well, get ready. Well, actually, no, Jordan, that's for your foot. I got his Chinese socks with different parts of the foot that are like the back, the ear, and you put pressure on it to help that different part of your body. And that guy who just took off his glasses and has an amazing hairline for being a father is the one, the only. Graham Kai? Yeah.

He got it. Graham Kay! Thanks for having me, guys. Good to be back. Yeah. How long has it been since you've been here? One American year. A lot has changed.

Maybe a year and a half. No, it's been like two, I think. Maybe two. The last time you were on, we called someone to help you get through. a follow-up to a date. Oh, yeah. And since then, you have found a wife and a child. Oh, it's been two years.

Yeah. Things have escalated. Things have escalated. I tell you what, it wasn't that woman. I did not get with that woman. I think there's... Was that Skittles, girl? Still a chance.

Remember Skittles? No, it wasn't her. What did Skittles do? Why did you name her Skittles? Because when you ate her pussy, you could taste the rainbow. Come on, just say it. Who gives a flying fuck? Hey, hey, hey.

She was called Skittles because when you ate her pussy, you could taste the rainbow. Okay, what was this? You were going to call their Skittles? Is the rainbow good? She did something weird. No, she was like. She had a rainbow with her pussy. She's like, well, it was a starbursts, then it was like if you close your eyes and I'll kiss you and guess which flavor it is.

Yeah, dude. And I was like, you got to get to. She said that to you. Yeah. Such a nightmare, dude. Yeah. Speaking of nightmares, can I just say. And I told you, and you were like, ew.

And I was like, oh, yeah, ooh. It stuck with me until the end of time. Yeah, yeah. That's a cute thing. Yeah, you, well. To say, close your eyes and tell me what I taste like. You have to be, it has to, there is like an amount of good looking you have to be to pull that off. Was she?

Yes, I think so. That's good. Yeah, but it'd be cool if she was super. Salt Jordan. Salt Jordan is not available. Salt Jordan. Salt Jordan just spilled the salt water. Listen.

That's salt water? No. No, I will not listen. I would like a cap on that. Okay. Jordan said no cap. I said, that's cap. Can I say something?

Do you remember the episode where... You're really on it? That's not the cap. You have a great memory. I know it's at the fucking cap, obviously. Yeah, so move it so you don't knock it over when you flail your... Yeah, it is. It's fucking weeks old.

Swallow. You deserve it. I think the dog... Swallow. It's the electrolytes in it that are old. Can I say a couple weeks ago, we were on... What flavor was it? Hey, Graham.

Old electric. Graham. What? A woman is talking. A couple weeks ago... Sit your white ass down and listen. On an episode, you were talking, we were talking and you interrupted the conversation. You go, can I just say, enough with the checking our breasts for lumps.

And then there was a beat pause. I go, yeah, we got to check our balls for lumps. And we just went along with the conversation. We put that clip out. Very funny, but there's a large contingent of people, mainly women, be like, can that man shut the fuck up? Can you let a woman talk? And it's like, yo, idiot.

Do you know what the flow of conversation is? Ian. What? You want to hear something crazy? Yeah. I put out a clip with me and Sydney. Talking about being pregnant. She was pregnant.

And then you also talked about this two weeks ago. But tell me again, record. Yeah. Did I really? Yeah, you did. It's really. This guy's on it. Let me tell you.

Yeah. He'll never forget anything. Yeah, you did. Except his passport. You took my passport? Wow. Why'd you take this? What a magician.

You put a baby in somebody. Yeah. You turn sperm into a baby. Magician. Give me it back. I'm scared. Why'd you blow? And earlier, you said you were a woman.

So you were just doing unprotected sex like that? Well, we, uh, we, uh, we're both in our, we're both in our four. 40s and I was like, well. Probably fine. You were together for three months. Yeah. Were you blowing loads the whole time in there? Sorry.

Did you guys? Technically, yeah. No, Jordan, that's like a rude way to talk about it. Were you treating her like a laundry machine and dumping loads? Now, Graham. Baby safe loads. Yeah. Hold on.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The baby detergent. Did you guys talk about it ahead of time? I'm going to blow loads in you and we're not going to worry about it. Look, like, let's have a kid or like take it through this, being together with someone for three months and then deciding to get them pregnant?

We, well, we deciding to get them pregnant. We got pregnant. I was shooting up to school and I didn't know there's any kids in there. And then you got a kid. And there was one. Yeah. And I got him right in the head. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Wait. So basically we were being, we were being, we fell in, we were like dating and it's going really well and we're in love, whatever. I guess that doesn't matter. But we were being irresponsible and we're both kind of like, I don't know, it's probably fine. And then we got so, we were so irresponsible that now we have a family. Yeah. And I have insurance for a.

Family that I gave for. Irresponsible clock strikes 12. Back to responsibility. Back to responsible. 100%. That's what happened. Wow. I, this, like, I haven't jokes about it, but like, I was living in this neighborhood, and I was

single. And then, like, like 13 months ago. And now I live in New Jersey. I drive a Subaru. Holy shit. I have a two-month-old baby. I'm engaged to a 42-year-old. That's amazing.

And how old are you? I'm 44. God, you're living in the life I want. Yeah, it happens quick if you're very irresponsible. Yeah, but you keep saying that. But like you secretly wanted this. For sure. I think in the back of my head, that's kind of why I was being irresponsible.

Did you guys talk ahead of time? Like, I want you. I want to have a family with you or like you said you were in love. Sort of. Does that conversation come up? We were like, I was like, you know, One day I want to have kids. She's like, I don't know if I do.

I'm 42. Also, I'm 42. And I was like, well, I'm in love. We'll just figure it out. Maybe we'll adopt one day. I don't know. I'm not, I mean, this is new. You know, at that point, we've been dating like a month, month and a half, you know.

And then we kind of just, you know, didn't talk about it. And then, you know, it was like a, a, a, we were both. Happy accident. Yeah. We were both like, oh, my God. very scared and like took a week to think about it and then that's so scary for sure it's everything you think it is yeah it's everything you have to come to grips with and it's like i i'm like i definitely being it me being in my 40s played into it for me i don't know if it did for her but it i know it

played into my but like i knew that i wanted to be with her and i knew that it wouldn't be weird if it was like let's say eight months later yeah it wouldn't have been weird but but it wouldn't have been weird I knew I loved her and it's like, it's super early. It's too early. But why am I going to cancel all this over like a six month difference technicality in if it's weird or not? Totally. You know what I mean? So I was like, I just, you know, I like went out and I was like talking to everybody who would listen to about it.

And then. Yeah, what were people saying, especially when you're like dating someone for a month and you're like, we're in love where people like cool it. That's not how love works. It was too. It was. I can fish for my own life. It's a completely different thing. It was like too.

This is kind of like when people had COVID and I was like, I'm so sorry. What were your symptoms so I can know? Yeah. You're trying to find out if you're in love. They were dating. She was a consistently good partner for a month. There wasn't chaos and shit being flown into his face. You got chaos?

Shut up. Yeah. When you were. Are you getting somebody right now? When you were in love, no. When you were in love for a month, how did you know that it was love and not just addictive? I think because I have...

Siri just was about to answer, but we got the real article here. You tell us, Graham. I have... So, I never know if I'm in love. I always think, like, I guess people say I love you to me in my life, and I go, and I go, uh, okay. And then I just, if it gets weird, and then I just start saying it, because they keep saying it to me.

And then after six months, I guess I'm in love. And I never know if I'm in love. I've never felt, I've never known if I was in love. I never felt like I was in love. I just said it a bunch. I have the opposite of an addictive personality. I don't feel anything. I'm just like floating around, you know, it's fine.

I don't care. You know what I mean? That's because you're tall asshole. Sorry. Oh, never mind. It's just a tall, avoidant man. Maybe. He's hot.

Thanks. He's not in a way. I'm glad you got blasted with a baby. You had to be stopped. But then this one. We were coming from two different angles of the same. broken tree. You're not a tall man I've fallen in love with where I'm like, I love you.

And they're like, I don't feel anything. And I'm like, that's because the altitude up there is making your brain bad. I, well, definitely bad brain. Yeah. Definitely. Great ban. And then, and then anyway, for Molly, I was, I like somehow knew I was in love. I think she was like, maybe mean enough to me.

I don't know. I was like, I get, I get dead. Yeah, and then, uh... Daddy? No, no. And then, uh... Mommy. And then, uh, no, I just like, I felt it.

And I think I'd been in therapy long enough. And I was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna say it for the first time. I'm gonna be the first one to say it. And then we, I said it. And then she was like, yeah, me too. And I was like, holy shit. And then like, two weeks. I was doing a one-man show in, what?

Nothing. Go ahead. You meet me-tudor. Yeah. No, no, no, no. No, no. No. No.

No. lean the mess up. There's a whole place is a mess. Graham, fuck you. There's eight litter boxes on the way down. I'm not even when I walked in. I'm going to be off with you. Shut up, you tall bitch.

I wasn't sure anyone still lived here. I thought this is where you store clothes and ashtrays. Shut up, you tall. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I am a bitch. I am a tall bitch. Oh, boy.

Who's that? Oh. Your dad. Let me pick that up. Let me pick that up. Let me pick that up. No. Let me pick that up.

Shut up, James, you... You tall, muscular bitch. Let me talk to her. Come here. Let me talk to her. Recording the podcast. Recording the podcast. Hey, let me talk.

Fuck that bitch. Who is that? Don't say that. You're fucked with Ian. He was fucking actively with Ian. Jordan. Jordan. No, I'll fight that fucking little fucking... Jordan.

Jordan. This is now a Patreon. Let me talk to her. Let me talk to her. No. Let me talk to her for a second. No. Why?

I'll be nice. No, you won't. You're a second. You're a liar. Just give me a second. Ian, your instincts are correct. Let me say what I need to say. No.

No, you need to do this. Jordan, shut up. Shut up. I appreciate your love. Bitch. Thank you. I appreciate where you're coming from. Graham, focus.

Why is, is that Janine Garofalo? Yeah. Cool. And that's, who is that? Who does that look like? That looks like somebody. That looks like just how you acted. That looks like Dustin Nickerson.

Who's that? Easy Graham. Is it a comedian. Can we hit the dump button? Dump? It sounded like you just said. Oh. Oh.

So how'd you know what was love? I will say the Kerr part is huge in his name. Very important. Yeah. Keens. A good wardrobe is about having fewer better. I love this one. I love Gwintz.

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slash SKA for free shipping and a 360 day returns quins.com slash Ska. I am a poopie butt. Bye. All right. Very important part of his name. Got to hit it. No. No, he looks like that.

The opposite. Maybe racist. Yeah. Anyway, I said I love you to her and then she was like, you're pregnant. I'm pregnant. You're pregnant. I'm pregnant. What are we going to do?

love you you're pregnant and then uh he she she said that when you said it what she said it in the same combo no like two weeks later that would be so romantic if you were like i love you and she's like i'm pregnant that'd be nice i don't know why it'd be validating for a pregnant lady to hear i love you yeah but you can also tell her you love her later after she gets pregnant yeah not like a surprise i think you wanted both do it before so you know it's real going forward yeah that's how i feel has she ever been pregnant before? No, not to, maybe, not to my knowledge. But how to, after a month, nobody in your life was like, slow down.

No, he was old. It was two months. Yeah. No, no, no. When you said, I love you, we're in love after a month. I said, I never said after a month. You said a month in, we loved each other and we were in love. I don't, I don't think I said that, but if I did, I was wrong.

It was like two months, two and a half months. Did you ever fight in those two months? A little bit. Really? Tell you what we have since. Really? Sure. Yeah.

The baby. Makes you crazy. It's life. Yeah. But it's good, though. She's great. I'm glad we fought. I don't want to be with somebody I've never fought with.

When's it coming? You know? My mom said, if you don't love each other, you don't fight, scream, hit, and yell. Yeah. You have to say it in Gail's voice. If you love each other. Dead. Sorry.

R. I'm sorry. And happy anniversary. Yeah. Sorry about that, man. It gets weird. Come on. Let's call it.

Oh, bleep it. Sorry. Oh, it's scary. You're some Middle Earth motherfucker over there. Are you angry at me? What is that mean? You look like somebody from Middle Earth. Why would I be angry at you?

Stop being sensitive. About what? About your deceased father. I got you a present. Shut up. Yeah, I did. I got you. I brought you a present.

What about me? Is that the Anthony and Son Panini shop? That's a great place. That is. Antion Son Panini's shop. Did you really get me? me a gift. I got you a gift specifically. Why not me? No way. Because I did something bad. I already gave it to you. Oh, I have it. Yeah. I was just thinking I want one of your shirts. And I have. I swear to God,

it's a small. I'm not a small. How's how? How's, how? How's, how? How's, how? Yeah. I'm not an XL. Yeah. Well, I want that's all that was like. Can we combine it too? No, I want the XL. I want the XL. No, I'll already have one. I cut it in half and I wear it the summer, but that's not my fault. I wear big shirts. No, but I am getting more muscles. You are getting more muscles. You are getting more muscle. You are. You are I noticed that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have small.

You're not going to wear it. I'm going to cut it to fit me. Oh, Cheeby. I don't even remember her getting up here. It looks good. It's going to look good. It's going to look good cropped. Just cut off my name.

Thanks. That's what I did with mine. But anyway, for the camera, it is a... Graham K. I turned the Dead Candy. his logo into a GK instead of a DK. That's awesome. I knew he would appreciate you.

You guys both. I love it. I like mine. I wear mine a lot. I know. I've seen you wear it. Yeah? It makes me feel good.

Yeah. Anyway. Maybe I should get pregnant. Yeah, it'd be nice. You've seen anybody? Again? Same one. Off and on.

We're back. Should I read our text thread from last night? Stop it. Yeah. How's it feel? Fine. Read your shit, too. Well, you read your blog post

Are you seeing anybody? It wasn't a blog post It was a long story. I just went through a breakup. I'm sorry to hear that. Friday. Friday? Yeah.

So no. No, I'm not. So you're not seeing anyone. No. And is it the same person? Nope. Different person. Okay.

And have we learned from the past? Oh, winter? Or will we be back? No. No. She hasn't. It's hot out. Yeah. So, you.

You will be in a relationship on Monday. Listen. Yeah. I'm going to text you some stuff. Okay. Oh. You know? Should we just make this a Patreon?

No, because he needs it to be a regular because he has to promote his shit so that he makes money for his one child. But we can make that a clip that a bunch of people to see. Can't do that. What are you promoting? My new comedy special. It's a comedy special about how I'll never have a kid, but I'll always have my autistic brother. What? Well, you're going to have to make some updates.

Yeah. Yep. But it's a, I did an off-broadway show called Pete and me, and it's about, it's like a stand-up show. And Nate Bargazzi paid to have the last one filmed. And it's about my brother Pete, who has, like, profound autism and what it's, like, growing up with him and taking care of them and stuff, what it means. Pete rules.

He does rule. He does rule. He calls you every day in the morning. Yeah. What does he call you? Every day. Hey, Bert. Every, yeah, every, yeah.

Every morning, we pretend we're Bert and Ernie every morning at the same time. That's so nice. Does he live on his own? Does he? He lives on his own and he needs special help. So do you. And I do need special help. And yeah, we don't know when my parents pass.

We don't know what's going to happen. To him? Well, he'll keep living, hopefully. But we might have to go, I might have to go up and take care of him, you know. How old are your parents? That'll be old. 78. That's not that old.

You're fine. They're born in the 40s, 1940s. 70s fine. You got 20 years. Okay. They drink a lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Six years. Canadian. Yeah. Well, are they setting aside money? I don't have to talk about that. I don't know. Maybe we should start a little fun. Yeah.

What do people do? It's called Come See Me on Tour. Come See or Watch the Special on YouTube. That'll help. Man. Yeah. But anyway, it was a highest rated show on showscore.com for off-broadway shows.

It was like Hamilton and Pete and me. No way! That's cool. Yeah. That's really cool. Yeah. New York Times recommended it and everything. And then, yeah, so you can just watch it on YouTube.com. Pete and me, you don't have to go to Broadway in New York City. I saw you running chunks of it and it's so fucking good.

Thanks. So good. Have you taken Pete to see it? He has seen a part of it. I opened for Nate in the, like the Ottawa hockey arena in front of 18,000. people a couple weeks ago and he came with my parents and then I did a couple I did part of it and then I was like everybody my brother's here stand up Pete and he stood up in front of 18,000 people and I go everybody cheer for Peter, aka Peter Parker Spider-Man. And he stood up and he had his like Spider-Man shirt on and his Spider-Man belt buckle and he had a Spider-Man hat and he stood up and he took his hat off and went like that. Oh my god! Oh that's so cute.

18,000 people were like, Peter, Parker Spider-Man. Oh, that's so cute. Oh, my God, I have goosebumps. Holy shit. Oh, that's amazing. It's on my Instagram, if you want to see it. There's a picture of it.

Like, Nate's camera guy was like, I didn't even tell me. He just got it. And it was like perfect. And it's like, he's in the lower bowl. So you see all the people. It's like amazing. And then I went up to him after the show. And I was like, how about that?

Pete, you know, it's 18,000 people cheering for Peter Parker Spider-Spider Man. He's like, I have a joke about how, like, when I go home for the holidays, it's better than having a Republican brother, having an autistic brother is better than having because I don't have to worry about politics. I just, you know,

he makes me watch back to back to episodes of the Power Rangers. And like, that's the worst part. And he's like, you should not have said that about the Power Rangers. Oh my God.

I was like 18,000 people. He's like, the Power Rangers are a fine show. Yeah, it's so good that you running chunks of it at the cellar during spots where people are having like a, you know, a joke every, 10 seconds, it held up, which is hard.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's hard to run one man show shit at the cellar, but it was crushing the whole way for it. Yeah. I wonder if the people at the cellar thought that. Yes. It was working. It works.

I wonder if they share the same opinion. The bookers thought the same. But I thought, yeah, I'm proud of it. That's very cool. Yeah. I didn't know that it was up there like that. That's so sick. Yeah.

So it's on YouTube. It's been on YouTube. It just got out. Oh, it just got out. Yeah. Nate Burgatsi produced it. It's on his YouTube. But you just look for Pete and me.

Graham K. Graham, like the Cracker. Kay, like the letter. Hell yeah. And they, you know, it's on Nate Land. In Nate Land. Yeah. Soon to be.

Cool. Yeah. Well, thanks for coming out, man. This has been a real fun episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, it's been five minutes.

Yeah. Graham, you got to go. I got to go. You got to go. You're going to get out of here. We're going to need you out of here. Yeah, no, that's fair. Yeah.

You stirred up some emotions. Too much promo? No, just the child and the kid and the love that you found. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It is, you guys, looking at you guys, I'll tell you what, it does make me sad. What?

And, uh, and it's, it's. It should make you happy for the life that you have. You mean it makes you sad. You know? Why'd you move closer to me? You know, like, I was. Trying to intimidate him. I just thought to myself,

does you have to poo? He always has to poo. Is he constipated? I'm moving it around. No, you guys don't make me sad. You guys are old pals and you both look great. Turn the can at all. Tell us the truth.

You never look better. There's just a darkness in all four of the eyes. But happy right there. That's a happy set of peepers right there. I'll tell you that. Just having a great time. It really saves me. Yeah.

God, if it weren't for our animals, we'd be dead. I'm sorry you're going through a breakup. It's okay. Dodged a big old. Yeah. It's all bullet. Yeah. A barrel of bullets.

Big old, well, like, hit. Got a lot of bullets. A lot of bullets hit. You dodged a bullet, but I survived. But you've, the bullet hit and opened a can of worms. There's something on your face. It's probably makeup. Hair.

Do you think you guys will ever get together? No. Yeah. Never. Just like, like, you be the kind of couple who, like, loves each other, but, like, has sex once a year, like, a regular couple. You know what I mean? Our annual sex.

Mm-hmm. You now have something in your nose. Can you please remove it? Because I tell you what. Oh. What? That was awful. So couples do.

Tell you what. I wonder if we'd have no sex. If we spilt that water, it would only clean stuff. Because we're both sex addicts. I know. If we'd be like, get in it. Put this bag on your head and say this name. It's two magnets turned around.

Yeah, yeah. Pick this thing out of my nose when you fish hook me and fuck me from a high animal. Or try something new. I'm the boy, you're the girl. I learn this in a book. You're both exhausted. Your house smells awful. I've watched a tutorial.

Let's do it now before my goldfish. Brain forget. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tie you up and leave you there. The dog knows to get off the bed and leave. She is getting better at that with sex. She is.

My cats hide under the bed. Yeah, she goes right into her cage. She goes, I'm a little sex dog in my cage. Poor valet. She goes to a cage? She goes right into her cage every time I fuck. She's like, well, I've had enough of this. That's fair.

I like that. It's very polite. It's very good. I wonder if you want to, I could, if we were, if we did make out or something, would it unlock something or would we just be like, what the fuck was that? Ew. Get away.

Well, the dad mouth. You have dad mouth. It's all the cigarettes. But you like that. Oh, I think it's too much to add. You know what I mean? A little hint to dad is fine, but it really would feel like making out with my father, I think. But isn't that what you've always wanted?

Yeah, but you're not him. You're never going to be here. I'm the final boss of you fucking your dad. This is how nice that I can talk about this now before I'd be crucified on the cross. I know. You know what I mean? That he built. Yeah.

She dated a guy that wouldn't let her talk. Well, I love that. There could be no, like, none of that talk. A guy wouldn't let you, you wouldn't talk? I know. Can you believe it? Did you kind of like it because you spend your whole life talking? I liked it.

I did it. Was it kind of like? It was like, I would be like, enough, enough, enough. Don't talk about that. You know what I mean? Just because I, it was like having a, like, you know how, if you're like a guy when you have a girlfriend who's like. But he's still going to watch because mine still watches. And she screen grabs something and sent it to me the other day.

Watch away, man. Watch away. It led us to talking again. And then we ended up. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Firedance. Hey.

And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got to rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? Are you touring a lot?

Standing 69? Have you ever stood 69? Oh, all the time. She's the base. You got to assert dominance. I think if I was flipped upside down to get 60-9, that's how we would 60-9. You'd throw me upside-down.

And I'd be like eating your box and I'd be like, there's too much blood to my head. Pussy? Box? Just the eating. Snatch. Eating. Why don't you have to be eating?

Because you had munch on it. Oh, God. Terrific. How much you like it. Oh, what? I'm learning a lot. I'm learning a lot. Tuck your chain away.

Leave it out. I'm going to leave it out. Leave it out. I made a choice this morning. I'm going to live with it. Is it a box chain? I got one. Do you have a pendant?

No. No, I don't. Well, now you have some deep pendants for your taxes. You're trying to make fun of my chain? You don't like my chain? Good chain. He's got the best style in comedy. A fine chain.

I definitely thought about whether I should keep it in or keep it out this morning. Now you know how it feels to be a drag queen. What? He doesn't know if you should tuck it or not. I think the drag queens know what to do. They know and they do it well. Do they? Yeah.

Good. What? I need some food. I would like to eat. I have not had a bite all day. Tell you what, my lip touched the mic about 10 minutes ago. I haven't stopped thinking about it. Just looking around here.

Wait, what, you've got to tell me. Ebola is in Africa and here. How do you find love? No. But does the kid change your life? I was 44. I mean, what do you mean? Do you like the kid?

I got lucky. I find, you know what I mean? But does it, do you feel different having a kid? Does everything feel better and brighter and faster and stronger? Do you feel scared all the time? You don't feel as scared because you have to. Well, fucking talk to Ron on. That guy's scared all the time.

I mean, look. You're like, it's getting eczema. You're like, there is, there is, there is, it's scarier to me when I was, when I was, when I didn't have a kid because it's like will I make it how am I going to make it how am I going to push through blah blah blah blah and now it's very binary it's like I have a kid he's got to eat he's got to have a roof over his head I'm going to figure that's the number one priority and that's the and I'm going to figure out how to do that but doesn't that scare you I also wouldn't call jersey a roof over his head he's got like a shack over his melon it is weird

he's got a shadow over his life it is weird that I as a Canadian comedy has brought me to To the point where I have a son from New Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. Because she's a comedian. She used to be at the cellar, like back in the day. She quit comedy, but what did you do now? I mean, I think she took a break from comedy.

She might get back into it. I don't want to talk about her. Stayed home. Good for you, Graham. I'm talking about her business. But. Go to comedy. Yeah, she's very good.

Yeah. She's very funny. And known. People message her all the time. You're my favorite comedian. Why aren't you doing anything right now? She might get back into it. But having a baby is a lot.

So anyway, yeah, it's like the focus is like, can you not leave your gum on the thing and then cover it with a zen? I love how you ask me a question. Then you go, sorry. Well, you know, I have to take care of the rat. It's getting into things. Is there a rat down here? Me. Oh, yeah.

In this. Okay, keep going. It's very pretty, but it does make a mess. Anyway, it's less scary because all you have to worry about is taking care of a kid, you know, making sure it's got food. Yeah, but what about the future? What even is? You don't even know that guy. You don't even know that guy.

Isn't weird that you got to do everything for this old guy? You don't even know? Yeah, there's like a weird thing that where you love it. Really? Yeah, yeah. And it is weird at first, the first like couple weeks. You're like, well, you know. Do I love it?

Well, you don't want it to die. You know that. and so you're doing whatever, but then you just sort of like, I don't know, he like opens his, it's really, having a baby is really,

really hard. I basically have no advice to new, new dads. I may know less than I did before. But every once in a while, they open their eyes and they look at you and then you see God. Really?

And then you're like, you know, and I'm not a religious person. And if you see God, tell them that I'm still a lot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Bad ball.

Trapped under eyes. No. And that's it. And then he's old enough that he's like smiling and stuff. And then you're like done. Once he looks at you and smiles, he's like, because he recognizes you. And he goes, ha, ha, that's the guy. That's the tickle guy.

Oh my God. That's the guy with the bottle and the tickle. I'm having a kid. And then you're like, all right. I'm in, dude. Get them. Yeah. That wasn't a do you want to have it with me.

That was, you sure? Is it like this, the feeling I have for her? I would do anything? Yeah, kind of. Wow. Yeah. I mean, we had a. We had a cat and we have a cat.

What's the name? Barbara, black cat. Hell yeah. Found her on the street. Molly rescued her a month before we had a baby. Before we find out we were having a baby. How's a cat take to the kid? She's great.

Wow, that's awesome. She's great. That's good to have. I had a dog growing up that they got the same week I was born. It was my fucking bro. This cat is like, like, like, nina. knew that Molly was pregnant, knew when she wasn't feeling well because of hormones or tired.

And it would hurt her. Barbara would herd Molly to bed. Make sure she stays in bed and lie on her chest. She's got a clipped ear because the SPCA thought she was feral. And they spay them and then clip their ear because they're like, this cat's not suitable for the indoors. And then they put it back on the street. What the fuck?

Yeah, because otherwise it'll get put down. So it's like how old was it when you got it? You know I don't want to put it down how old was Barbara so they know that it's been spayed so they don't capture it again That's fucked up why would you maim it? Why don't they watch so they know not to like put an ear tag on it? Well this is like a permanent ear cut it. Yeah they clipped a little ear But but she must have just been having a bad day because she's not feral she's like super dice and like the cute the cutest cat How old was how old do you think she was when you got it?

We don't know but what happened was is she, Molly would go on walks and And then she saw this cat and then she started petting it. And this guy who was like a meth, maybe recovering from meth, like no teeth, but skin is better. The girl that you're dating? Yeah. Shut. That's exciting. And then, and then.

He made a fucking one-man show about the guy you're back together with. I would love it. Peter, that would be a thrill ride for Pete. You? That's what I'm into, dude. This is a guy who sits there. He's a good power range. But anyway, and the guy who came out of the house,

who was like missing teeth, he was like, yeah, the people who used to live here got evicted, and they couldn't take the cat because they had no money, so they left the cat outside. The cat keeps coming up the steps and doesn't understand why it can't get back inside its house. Oh, no. So I've been feeding it.

I've been buying cat food and feeding it. I don't let it in because my mother is allergic, and I live with hers, and she's sick. So I've been, you know, I don't know what to do. And then Molly was like, that's my cat. And then I pulled up, I pulled up in my car and we got it, captured it, took it to the vet. And then he put it down. And then we got a new cat.

That's good. That's good. I was going to see. Yeah. Yeah. I got to keep the household pure really. Yeah. Especially a black cat.

I immediately put it down. Cats always find. Then we went to a pet store and bought a very expensive cat. And, no, I'm kidding. Cats always find their. person. Yeah. This cat follows Molly around the house.

Knows what she did. Follows Molly from room to room. Molly will go to the bathroom. The cat will like wait outside. That's mine. Molly will come out. It's so cute. Molly,

yeah. You get jealous that the cat doesn't follow you that way? No, I understand. I'm this guy who just like leaves on the road. Yeah. And then comes back, you know. That's nice.

The cat's good. The cat, the cat likes, Barbara likes me a lot. Barbara like, Barbara, sometimes. She's so good. That's so cute. So good because she's like a Nana. I love that. That cat's so nice.

She's, she's the best. Cats are the best. Animals are the fucking best. Yeah. So now, like, like, like 13 months ago, I was single and living in Brooklyn. As a fuck boy, good. Well, an aging one. Yeah.

I remember the last, one of the last times I was single, I was at Cobra Club. Oh, my God. This girl comes up to me, and she's like, she's nice. And I'm like, do you know how old I am? She goes, I don't know, like 29. You know when you're so young, you can't see. You can't imagine anyone older than 29.

She goes, 29. And I go, I'm 43. She went, ha! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was like, I'm out. I'm out. It's a rap for old grandma.

Yeah, that's crazy. So how did you and Molly find each other? We went, Julio Golarati, you know, he's a very funny stand-up. It's great. Great travel videos on YouTube. Anyway, super, just a great, genuine man. He had a, he had a wedding, and we met at the wedding. Did you have sex that night?

No. She was seeing a professional snowboard. Cool. And their relationship was Sean White. Was who? Sean White. It wasn't Sean White. I was wondering because he had it on his, he has his own, like, snowboard line and he lives.

So I was like, maybe it's Sean White, but it's not. And, and, anyway, I could, I could just sort of feel through the messaging. I'd check in. I'd pop in and out of DMing, you know? Yeah. And I could feel the messaging getting a little bit better. Yeah. And I was like, ooh.

Yeah. You know, you always check in. You know? Because I sent some, some, some, some, some probes, some women at the, at the wedding to be like, what's your deal? Oh, nice. And then she wasn't like, I'm seeing somebody. She wasn't like, I have a boyfriend. She was like, I'm seeing somebody.

I was like, I'm seeing somebody. Yeah. I see people all the time. I'm seeing you. That's right. You. I see him. I got, you know.

Yeah. And then, but, you know, anyway, they broke up. And then I, I just was like, I, I lied to her. And I said, I'm looking. She goes, she lived in, she moved, she used to live on St. Marks, but she moved to Jersey. And I was like, how's Jersey? You know, I can't afford to buy anything in New York. I'm poor.

Can I live with you? Buying something in New Jersey. You know, show me, you know, and I, you know, I'm, you know, I'm, you know, I'm, you know, show me your house. She's like, well, I could show you around. And then we, our first date was like, she was like showing me around town. A real estate ruse. I could, now I was never going to buy a place.

And you were just like, oh, okay. That's good. Oh, Portico. Nice. Is that an A frame room? Shane Torres is like a mutual friend. And Shane was like, I told him my plan before we went on the date. And he was like, don't, Doc.

He's like, dog, don't do that. She's going to be pissed. And so I mess with her and was like, to make it more obvious that it was a date. I was like, we will, I'm going to be thirsty. We should go for drinks after. She was like, how about dinner? And I was like, I'm in. So.

At any point did you go, I got to be honest. I'm lying with you? I just wanted to spend time with you. I'm glad we're hanging out, but I wasn't looking for houses. Did you tell her that at all? At the very end of the date, I was like, you know, I'm like, it's kind of true. I was like doing a couple zillows, you know, and then I was like, I don't know if I want to do that. So, uh, did you buy house?

No, we rent. Yeah. We had a baby and I was like, I'm, I need some cash. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I need something left over. So we, we just rent. It's weird to rent. to move to New Jersey and rent.

I like that the relationship is built off of a fallacy. That's good. Yeah. A lie and a quick jump in. Yeah. A cute little, a cute little, it's called courting. Yeah. It's called, we used to call it courting.

Yeah. You trick a woman into thinking you have more money than you do. Yes. And you trap her in a car. That's right. That's good. That's right. That's right.

That's right. Yeah, that's good. That's the old grandma way. That's what you do. I scared young girl Then I got a woman pregnant Yeah I scared the young girl Got an adult pregnant

Cobra Club is rough Yeah It's crazy Ah It's fucked up Yeah I screwed it way too close And then her friend

And then her friend was like Started talking to me And was like You know She didn't know That I just told her friend That I was 44 And she goes

She was talking up her friend And I go Just so you know I'm 44 or 43 at the time. And she goes, you shouldn't be talking to her. And I go, I know, I told her. Don't tell me.

They were like 22. Oh, Jesus. 24 maybe, I don't know. What are you doing hanging out of Cobra Club at 43? There was a show there. Oh, I bet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, a show, that's it.

Your grandma way. Your grandma way. A show. A show just got over. Hi, guys. I'm here for the show. You missed the show, of course. But old grandma is still here with my tight little blue jeans.

So scary. I would only go there to have sex. Cobra Club? Yeah, totally. Yeah. There was a show there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there was a comedy hang after.

Of course, the hang. With the Chicago guys. Oh, the best guys in comedy. They're the best dudes. Sure. Chicago people are the best. The best dudes holding down liquor. Yes.

Oh. Yeah. Chicago people and Canadians are very like. No way. Canadians are so funny. They're so sweet. They're so kind. The Chicago's are a little fucking group chat

talking shit-ass alcoholics. And I know what you said about me in the group chat. What happened? When? What happened? What they say? I'll tell you. Really?

Oh, fuckers. I didn't know about that. Recently? I mean, I love Sheen. I love Arcari. Who else is in the... I mean, I don't know who's in this group chat you're talking about. I love David.

Is David? David Drake? Yeah. Is he Chicago? Yeah, he's a boy. Yeah, I love the Chicago guy. Guys, let's start a group chat. What is the matter with you?

Tom rules. Where the fuck is Tom? He's in Los Angeles. He's got a baby. What is the matter with you? Yeah. He's got to come back. Bobby Condon.

He's so funny. They got to quit drinking, though. They're the funniest motherfuckers, but the alcohol really holds them back. Come on. From what? What are you talking about? What do you mean? Are you getting back to the group chat publicly for talking about you privately?

This is a known thing about the Chicago boys. I don't know anything. They're the funniest motherfuckers and they drink too much. Yeah, you're a Chicago boy. Yeah, look where you ended up. Exactly where he is. No, you're sitting in that fucking video game chair. What's so bad about that?

Yeah, what's wrong with it? Why is that not great? You're right, it's good. Keep doing your job. What's the matter with you? Yeah, okay, I will. Why are you knives out at everybody right now? I'm not.

Yeah, you are. You're like, these guys got to stop drinking to get their shit together. What are you doing? I'm slinging bits. I'm slinging bits. These aren't bits. You're being mean.

I'm not being mean. Yeah, you are. Graham, am I being mean? A little bit. Yeah. A lot bit. What's the matter with you? I'm sorry, James, I'm happier you here.

What's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter with me. This podcast needs James. It does need James. Thank you so much. What would we do without a James? What are you watching on that anime? Playing games.

I'm sorry that somebody says on you. If you're sitting there playing games, we need a better James. I'm paying attention. I'm sorry somebody says, I mean, that I'm sure it was nothing. I'm sure it's bullshit and you're great. People like you. Everybody likes you. Except for all the trail of tears of men.

I mean, except when you go knives out for some innocuous thing. That's what I do. I go knives out. But I do think that about the Chicago scene. I do think it's too, it's a little too, they drink too much. I think they would tell you the same thing. Yeah, totally. I think they'd be like, yeah.

Look down, they're just covered in piss. Yeah. Yeah, but isn't that what Chicago is a huge drinking town? Like, yeah. You're going to put it back. Well, it's, you know, it's cold. You got to spend a lot. time indoors yeah doing something I feel like that's why I don't hang out with anyone

because so many people like drink and stuff and I'm just like uh and then I I every group chat I'm in I always ice a chat out by doing something too far or something and then I just you're doing great slink away I'm all my own you're doing great every career is great New York is way too far up its ass you need to clean your room but everything else is yeah but I don't have a I'm not I don't know anything about scenes or like hang out with with any We're 40. Who cares? Yeah.

You can't see the scene things? I don't... Like what the issue with each scene is? No, I don't care. You're in the New York comedy scene. I don't go around with anyone. It's a staple of the New York comedy scene. Who gives a shit?

You're in the number one scene. Yeah. But I'm saying I don't pay attention to scene politics or like, I don't know about this scene or that scene. Like, I don't know anything about anyone. You don't meet people from scenes and be like, oh, yeah. You don't see pattern at all? I don't... You don't go to L.A. and go, wow, the comedy is a lot.

lot like this year. And then you go to New York and you go, wow, the comedy's all like this year. Yeah, but then I just like not think about it. Well, then go get your medal at the local church. Whatever. That's my scene. Sanctimonious fuck. I hang out with the local church.

No, I stay away from all that stuff because it's negative and I try not to be a part of it. It's not about being negative. You look at a scene and you go, oh shit, Chicago's seen. Those dudes are funny. They drink too much. New York scene. Those guys are funny, but they're up their own ass. L.A. scene.

Those guys are funny, but they're way. do industry obsessed. It's just pattern recognition. Yeah, I do that with minorities, not with scenes. Well, your brain is occupied, and I get that. Tell me about some patterns you've seen. From Canada, you know. Canada's seen goofy, silly, goofy sweethearts.

Drink too much. I only worry about myself. Maybe not the ones down here. I only worry about myself and motivated. They're like... Canada is really goofy. Canada. I mean, you, Pat, Steph, it's like goofy, silly, super playful.

New York is very stuffy, self-analytical, you know. L.A. is very, like, story-telling. And Chicago is very pissed in the potted houseplants. That friend's birthday. Some things have happened in my life. Yeah, yeah. All right. Bitch.

Who pissed in a house plant? Nobody goes to the house plant. Okay. I think of a friend in college That would always pee on this one sheepskin rug Every single night Every night Every night he would sleep over

Like I lived with his girlfriend And when he would sleep over He would get drunk And then he would put on one of her shirts Every single time wasted blacked out A tiny little shirt He was huge And then would piss right in the sheepskin rug

And I walked into her room once And she was cupping his piss Over the rug And being like, no, wake up, wake up And he was like wearing a tiny shirt Man I pissed on a dude rules.

Yeah, it does fucking rule. It rules so hard. He's like still getting laid by this poor woman. No, they're married. They're married. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

It's the best. I peed on the end of my bed ones, but I swore to God it was the toilet. I remember making the whole walk. Yeah, you always think it's a toilet. I pissed on my friend Lee. I thought he was a toilet. Yeah, I don't.

I've never, luckily, never done that, never gotten that. You never pissed a bed? Are you into piss play? No. Have you ever done piss play? No, no. I think I'm happy what I'm doing. What I'm doing is I'm never like, maybe I should add piss, you know?

I'm always feeling pretty good. Yeah. I'm never like, I'd get on. What if I get soft and then I pee? I think you have to be soft in order to pee. That's why I don't fully understand piss. No, you can pee with a hard on. Really?

Morning would. Oh, and you push it down. Yeah. Okay. I'd get peed on by my off and on. Yeah, but morning would. Do you? I would.

You stop. You're debasing yourself. You're debasing yourself. Look at how you're allow me to treat you. Well, I just got dizzy. Oh, why? Gillespie. Boop, boob, bo, bo, bo.

Stop hitting stuff with your fucking elbows. You guys got a lot of... God, you're like in a fucking person that just learned how to move. That's what God. me last time. You guys, you guys got to clean up some of this,

shut up, dad. Liquids. You got too many liquids that have been sitting here. Yeah. You got stagnant water all over the place. Seems like something our producer could do. These are new waters.

He did, this was, this was totally clean when we came down here. None of this was here. All of this was gone. There's 10 liquids. We've been down here for an hour and 45 minutes. Fuck off.

Don't zap me. I don't want to be zapped. Get away. Get away. I was looking for that. Don't zap around the dog. Dude, what if I fucking just you zap me

and I just stabbed you? Well, that would be a different kind of. That's the OG zap. That's the Winnipeg handshake. That's right. People kept saying that. Watch out for the Winnipeg hang shake.

And I was like stabbing. It's getting stabbed. I like Winnipeg. Yeah, it's like the Glasgow Kiss. What's that? The Midian. The Edinburgh Comedy Festival. It's when they get it close to you and they go,

God, break your nose. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, headbutt. Yeah, and then just... Glasgow, the Glasgow case. You ever gotten to a fist fight? Yeah. Really?

Yeah, but not in 20-plus years. What happened? I don't know. I went to, like, a boot camp. All-Boy's boot camp. Let's do rapid-fire questions. Ready? Have you ever been to jail?

Yes. How many siblings do you have? One. Why'd you go to jail? Technically, I elbowed a police officer. Did you mean to do it? I didn't know he was a police officer. Do you love your parents?

Yes. Was the police officer undercover? Yeah, he didn't announce himself and he was playing clothes. Do you need a babysitter? Do I need a babysitter? Not from you. Yes. You don't want to babysit my child.

Can I? It would be good for me. No, if you keep Jordan an egg to take care of it for a week, that thing would be broken in a day. Well, they did give me an egg. That's what my hippie school did. You had to not break an egg to show that you could have a baby. And how often did you break the egg?

Broke it a lot. Yeah. But let me hold the baby. Okay. You could hold the baby. Really? 100%. Can I chuck it into the air?

I love doing that. No, and you can't for probably another four months. His head will fall off. No, more than four months. You're saying you can chuck a baby at six months. I don't know. No, you can chuck them quick. You can chuck them quick.

No, they're next fall off. I'm like one of those teachers that reads one chapter ahead of the class. Like, I barely know what's going on. Yeah, you did the homework for last thing. That was like. Me when I taught. Were you a teacher? Yeah.

I was throwing Michaela's baby up into the air high and catching him, and he was having so much fun. How old? And then probably a little, I think it was right before his first birthday. Too young. Chucking him into the air and catching him, and then I caught him once. He barfed all over me, and then I barfed all over him.

That's great. Baby barf is so gross. It's so spontaneous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got barfed on today. Really? You got barf on every day. I can't take it.

It's milky. I can't take it. Yeah. Oh my God. In the beginning, the poo's milky. Really? Yeah. You're like, you're like, what?

Yeah. Oh, and he's got a little penis. Oh, he's got a little penis. He's got balls. Isn't the balls crazy? They're the cutest little balls. You got a, you got to... His butt?

I don't want to talk about it. Is that his butt you were just doing? No, it's his balls. You separate his balls? Well, when he gets shitting it, you got to clean it up. Stop talking like this. You're on your balls. Sorry.

My balls are so big. I don't shit it on them. My favorite thing is when Ian sits on his own balls. You got big balls? Got big balls. He sits down so manicily. Do people like that? Does it, does it, do people, are people grossed out?

No, I've been told I have really big balls in a perfect cock. That's what people say when the cock sucks. No, that's not. It's like when people say boyfriend penis. You would be so lucky to see this guy. I have seen it. But you haven't seen it in its glory. You haven't seen it in action.

What's boyfriend penis? You know when people say that? Like the perfect size. You probably don't know about that because you probably have a giant dick because you suck in your hair. But people go like to say, you have a boyfriend penis. It means you have a shitty.

It's about two inches? Yeah, that's good. Rock hard. That's good. It's like two heads on top of each other. Boyfriend penis doesn't mean you have a shitty cock. Yes, it does. It means you have a sustainable penis.

What's sustainable penis? It means I don't know what to say about your cock to make you feel better. I can't call it big, so I'm going to call it a boyfriend penis. You're like an insatiable. size queen because you think that'll fix you. Why are you just saying hurtful things just because you got a shitty penis? Because you've been saying hurtful things the entire time.

I'm saying for all the women out here, feel free to comment. If you say a boyfriend penis to a guy, it means that penis is kind of shitty. I've been told I have a goldie cock. Not too big. Not too small. Just right. Right. You know what's better than just right?

Big. Big. Big. I don't know. What's big to you? How many inches? I need a tape measure like that's big. That's good.

Whoa, are you pulling your dick out? Oh, okay. He's going to bring his cover and just be like this. Like here? From here? From the end? Wait, which end? From the bone?

I measure, I measure from tip to tail. I know. Yeah, you measured a butthole too. I measure from my shoulders. Here. I don't have any. What's that noise? I don't know.

That's what mine's like. Mine's like this, but isn't... Just really thin. Mine? Really thin and it's black. It's not... It's sick. And mine has a very...

It's no bloodshot. It's a cat's head at the end of it. It's very sick. Yeah. And the end looks like this. People don't like it. That's my pippy. Can I have it?

This is what my cat looks like. This looks like Barbara. Can I have that? You can keep that. No, you can't. Can I have this? No. Thank you.

Welcome. Thank you. He's got a bad hip. Molly is going to love this. I don't give a fuck what Molly likes. She's pregnant with a baby that she had. She is. Yes, and that's how it works.

You should have a baby. You know, you get it. Yeah. I'm going to do it. Yeah. Well, thank you. Ian, I appreciate it. I gave you a present, then you reciprocated and gave me a present.

That's not yours. That's weird. Very nice of Ian. I think we all agree. Another win for Grandma. Another win for old grandma. Big ear for old grandma. I got a baby and this thing.

Do you drive a Subaru? What breed? Subaru Forrester. Hell yeah. Lesbury. 2021. Uh, certified pre-owned. Tape deck.

What color? What color? What color? Cream? Uh, a weird green. What happened to the coop? Uh, it exploded on a hill. It was, I literally told Molly, because we knew we were like three months pregnant.

And I was like, and she was like, we can't have a baby in this. And I was like, yeah, I guess so. And then, um. You got to do it in a hospital. Cooper, Lou. I was like, we can put a baby in the backseat of a mini coop. Yeah. Just give birth in the back seat.

We'll live in the mini Cooper, I say. Damn it. He's got it. How do you get it? He tricked me. He asked me a question. Yes. But anyway, I was like, Molly, this is the last trip with the mini Cooper before we sell it.

And then it exploded on a hill. Did you have to jump out? No. It wasn't like an action movie. Up on a hill. I just left her in there. Like the beginning of Asia by Steely Dan. Up on a hill.

Finish. I blew up a car on a hill too. Yeah. Went up hill. Smoke started coming out. Had to abandon it on the street. Yeah, we abandoned it. Yeah.

And then I got swindled out of it. I was in... I've abandoned my car! That's good. That's good. I gave Grandma ride on my motorcycle once, and he was the whole time freaking out, being like, you're going too fast. You're going too fast.

And I was like, Graham, if you put your feet down, you could lift up me and the motorcycle. Well, the problem was is my... It was a tiny person's motorcycle. It was like, you know, those two guys in the 80s, those two fat guys, those two fat guys, you know, the little tiny motorcycles? But you were... It was like one of those. My knees were on the ground.

I know. It was scary. What happened to your motorcycle? It got impounded. What happened? It got impounded. Okay. I didn't ask you about your pussy last night.

I asked you about the motorcycle. All right. Thank you. No, mine. He's good. He's good. Mm-hmm. I tried to trick him.

Maybe I should have a baby. Yeah, that'll solve it. You should have a baby to solve all your problems. That's a good reason to have a baby. Also, if you want to get back together with your ex, you should have a baby. I was thinking of that. You know, to solve the problem. Of course, that's what I'm thinking.

Yeah. That's what I'm thinking, too. We're sick. Should we have babies with our exes and then they can grow up as friends? I think. Yeah, but we have to do it at the same time. You guys should get together. Yes.

Okay? You're both men for each other. You're both straight but kind of gay. And I think you guys. could just make like a science baby. The dumbest baby in the whole world. Imagine that thing. You guys would have a tax accountant as a baby.

He'd be like, I can't live with this chaos. You know? Could you? A Republican tax accountant. Could you get over your disgust of me? No. Give us a kiss. You guys are in love.

I want you to know that. I love Ian. I love her. But. Okay. Never go near him with my penis. I'm not letting her into my pussy. I don't like that.

I don't know. Dude, what if we fucked? And you were like, do you like this dick? And I was like, yeah. The problem is, in order to fuck, we need to be wasted and we can't drink. If we ever relapse, then we'll help make a baby. That's not a good reason. Don't shake hands on.

That's a good idea. That's bad. We should go drink. Don't do that. You guys should not relapse. I think I should not. But if we do, we should for sure have a kid. Yes.

Come on, old gal. Let's get some rum and have some fun. Yeah. You know they closed that place where we used to get ramen? Yeah. They only had one good dish. I know. What ramen place?

Eat you Ron? It was around the corner from the cellar. Couldn't tell you what was called. Gochi. Goceeachy. Nothing ever lasts around the corner from the cellar. Yeah. Except the psychic place that I got swindled during the pandemic.

What did they say? She was charging me $500 to light candles. at her altar. Shut the fuck up, Graham. And then she gave me some some magical potion that I asked her if it was palm olive and she was like,

fuck, just take it on. Palm Olive and it was totally fucking palm olive. And it was totally fucking palm olive. What's Palm Olive? Soap. So. Did you just fart?

What the hell? Oh my God. Ew. What? That was so wet. That sounded like you let a duck here. Yeah. You let it me hear

Have you ever played guest The fart with your partner? Of course It's so fun Of course Well not with my partner But with Jake On the road

That's why I fart the most God I fart on the road Played it with my ex On the plane Try not to It's really fucked up I gotta let it out It's not your fault

I've been going to the bathroom to fart That's good Nice Well his are really fucked up It becomes an emergency What's your D? You don't drink Oh, I think I smell his fart.

I get gassy and sassy on the planes. What are you eating? And why is the producer. That is coming over here and it sounds like you've been fermenting, smells like you've been fermenting garlic in your ass. It does smell like shit. You know what, Jordan? I'm back on board with you insulting him.

Fart boy. Middle Earth ass. Fart man, stay away. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. Stay away. Does my foresmell?

Stay away. Yes, but not in an insulting way. That's what I thought you said. Was that lashing out because she insulted you earlier? I always insulted him. He needs to be. Look how strong he is. Yeah.

Whoa. All of a sudden, I'd lost my grasp on Jordan and she now has gone towards his tendrils. Are you from New Jersey? I'm from Chicago. Chicago. Did you ask if you was from Turkey? You from Turkey? What?

You from Qatar, man? You from Azerbaijan? I said, uh, from New Jersey. Thanks for coming, Graham. Oh. Thanks for having me. Let me try your watch on. Can I wear your necklace?

I don't know how to take it off. I want to put something in your pocket on your shirt. I bought this necklace three years ago when this was popular and I don't want to take it off. Well, thanks for hanging out, Graham. Graham K. Pete and me. It's good to see you. I'll be thinking about how my lip touched this mic for about two days. We fart in that mic so much.

I know. That's the fart mic. I know. It takes about two days for a cold to set in or any sort of pink eye. And I'm kind of just sort of waiting for that to ravage my body and then make my baby sick. So, you know, I do a lot for my career. You make a lot of sacrifices in your career. And I want you guys to know that this was a big one.

Thank you. Promo. Go. Go. When does this come out? Go. Just point at me with your weird cane and go. Go.

You wanted this cane. I do love that cane. You want my cane. Three American kings. Go. The only promo I have is come see me in Toronto in September and Vancouver in September. He's going home, everybody. And also, most importantly, watch Pete and Me on YouTube.com.

Pete and me, YouTube. Not to be confused with Pete and Pete, the classic Nickelodeon show. Is that a real show? He swallows hard. Oh, no. Jordan. Connecticut, Denver, Northampton, Albany, Buffalo, Ottawa, Atlantic City, Richmond, Norfolk, Durham, Charleston, Bethlehem, Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louis, Chicago, Charleston, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, St. Louis, Obispo, Canada. Make sure you get those tickets to St. Louis.

Go ahead. Punchup.com. Ianfinance.com for all my dates. Tickets are on sale now. On sale now. December 31st to January 2nd in Pittsburgh Improv. That's my baby. Philadelphia, Boston, Wisconsin, Dallas, Texas, Cleveland, hilarities,

Detroit, Syracuse, Appleton, Greenville, Richmond, going all over. You're doing them all, eh? Ianfinance.com. YouTube.com slash Ianfinance Comedy for Ian do an odd guy doing on jobs. ianimal six nine on instagram and patreon.com slash be an em pod for bonus episodes early episodes we love you we'll see you next time

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