Bein' Ian With Jordan - Grip On Nostalgia W/ Liza Treyger | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep141

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show & try your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Use code SKA at https://www.bluechew.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69  https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Liza Treyger : https://www.instagram.com/glittercheese/ https://linktr.ee/glittercheese https://www.patreon.com/namedropping That’s Messed Up: An SVU Podcast : https://www.exactlyrightmedia.com/thats-messed-up Enemies with Liza Treyger: https://headgum.com/enemies-with-liza-treyger NIGHT OWL : https://tr.ee/N_Qt0ZAEuX Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Favorite the ones you like. EMFIDANCE.com for all my dates. I am coming to Philadelphia, Rochester, Phoenix, Arizona, Huntsville, Alabama, Chicago, Atlanta, Charleston, South Carolina. EMFIDANCE.com for tickets. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for her dates.

She's going, I'm going to be named Andy and the I'm a nana and honey. But I didn't know. I'm going to be named in the I'm going to be named in the I'm going to be named in the I'm going to be named in the I'm going to be named in the Punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen EM5 ads dot com. We'll see you on the road. Oh my little guy.

Telling jokes and having smokes Oh my little guy! I know he likes it in the butt, it's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan And she had that. Oh God. It was so crazy.

She had that guy on who was telling the sex story, who was gay and like me and Ian tell crazy stories, horrible white trash, right? It did terrible upbringings. And then this guy tells a story. It's like the most devastating walked in on a guy. He liked fucking a man and me and Ian just by the end of it, we're like, and they were like,

so anyway, we were like, that was the set. Are you okay? It was like, we had to like help him off the ground. We're like doing jokes, like ha ha ha. And he was like, the man I loved. I walked in on him sleeping with another man. In a bed in the middle of a party. On the top bunk.

Wait, do we just start or do you do an intro? Or are we just, oh, okay. Because one time there, I was asked to do a pilot podcast and you know I'm into crime but it was I was going to be me an FBI guy and then like this dating expert and we were going to have women call in that think they're dating psychopaths or killers cool and they would like talk to us about it and we would give them advice on what to do but in the zoom comments I was getting private messages being like, can you be funny? Can you up the funny?

I'm like, this sick woman is dating a man with skulls in his home. Like we need to like help her. I don't think this is the right direction for the podcast. Like just have the FBI guy. Just have the profilers. Like I'm not making jokes at this woman. You know, but they're finding out the guy's collecting their toenails. Why are you doing a live chat as you go? That's the scariest thing I can imagine. Well, you know, they were just, they were just sitting in on it, direct messaging me being like up the funny. I'm like, this woman is having a hard time. Like she clearly is

damaged and this man is unsafe and lie. You know, it was like, it was really intense. Yeah. I was like, this isn't it for me. So you didn't do it again? What were you gonna do? No, I sent them back the equipment and I said, thank you for considering me, but no, this isn't the job for me. Because it was too sad?

I cannot laugh at these women that like, they wanted me to be silly. I thought you were saying, oh my God, I thought you were saying people watching viewers are saying, the actual producers are like, could you please be quiet? were saying people watching viewers. The actual producers, the producers, the producers, so fucking horrifying. Cause I, you know, like with the SVU pod, we're silly, but then like when we're talking about real crimes, like there is a level of seriousness that needs to kind of happen.

When someone's talking about a man who's may or may not kill them. Sometimes it might happen, but it's like, you have to have respect for the dead or may not kill them. Sometimes I... Funny moments might happen, but it's like you have to have respect for the dead or the victims. Yeah. Like you just do. Unlike some true crime podcasts. Yeah, no, you have to and you... Some of them are rough.

And I'm like, I have to not listen to this. I'm not, I'm gonna go to hell. Or some don't take a stance, which bothers me. It's just really like, here are the facts. And I'm like, no, you have to talk about like the mishandling of the case or the judicial system. Like, sometimes we get comments or like, stop being political.

I'm like, it's truly about criminal justice and sexual assault. Like, I don't know what you want from me. I can't like gloss over it, but some people do and it bothers me too. Yeah. I have a lot of opinions for sure. Me too. It's passionate. Let's get into them.

Passionate. I also want to say the trinkets in here are like everything I can't believe. I'm finally here on these vintage couches. Yeah. Yeah. Was that 70s show kind of what you were thinking or no 70s? Just Ian, Ian just slowly but surely put the wood paneling up after a breakup, the fake wood paneling and then just started sticking shit to the wall.

Yes. And then I would say, no, switch that with that gay. You're a gay homo. You like dick in your butt. And he would say, stop saying that. And then my friend made us the sign. Oh, we have a carpet coming. It gets better and better. We have a new carpet coming. You know what the worst thing in this house is?

And it's that, isn't that cool? I already know what the worst thing for me is in this house. You got a new carpet? Really? Can I ask you something? Did you spend money or did somebody say, I'm gonna make you this carpet and you said, okay. It's not important to get in the semantics of it.

I've been wanting to get a carpet. Whoever is doing that. Thank you. The universe provides you this carpet. It's so triggering of childhood. It's so awful. I'm actually not a carpet person and I have no carpets. I love carpet.

No, I know it's all over your bathroom. It's like, it was kind of horrifying. It was really upsetting because I have like the wood and slats that are just I love carpet. No, I know it's all over your bathroom. It's like, it was kind of horrifying. It was really upsetting. Cause I have like the wood and slats that are just are risen. Like I can't have any, I don't want any carpet. I have a bath mat for stepping out and then tile. See, I don't want wet foot on tile.

No, you'd rather like a must. When I'm in a hotel, I step out onto the bath mat and then I move my feet all around the bathroom. Well, that's the same thing. So I don't do foot to tile. Oh my God. I like carpet. It gets wet.

It's like really gross. Lily Allen and she married the guy from Stranger Things. They have a fully carpeted bathroom in their architectural. Yes. Good. And the one who sings fuck you. And do you fuck you. Is that her do be be be be. Stop stop. That's her. That's her. Is it Lily Allen. Fuck you. She sings another song. Is that the number one song with my old. No don't you're also doing

opera. You're like singing it weird. I just need like a line because but don't sing it. Just say it because you're fucking. Fuck you. No, that's CeeLo Green. And fuck you. That's true. But she's also fuck you. I know, but I need a longer line than fuck you.

Fuck you. He doesn't have it. I smile. Yes, yes. And then I just smile. And there's a song about smiling. Yeah. And then I just smile. And there's a song about smiling. Yeah. And then I just sometimes I cry and want you to die. When I smile. Yeah. I see you. No, no, no. She's like wants him to die.

But then I just smile. Are you looking it up? Ethan. God damn if he's not. Wait, why do you have two ladies? Interesting. Two ladies. At first when I see you cry. At first when I see you cry. Yeah, it makes me smile. It makes me smile.

Yes, now we all have. God, why can't you just do it? At worst, I feel bad for a while. Yep. And I go ahead and smile. And then she also has a fuck you song. Yes, that is true. But that's what we were all thinking and I'm glad we got there.

Yes. I was going to give up on it. I'm glad you pushed it. What are the two ladies? Well, there's Lady over there and then that's what we were all thinking. And I'm glad we got there. I was going to give up on it. I'm glad you pushed it. What are the two ladies? Well, there's Lady over there and then the same lady.

Do you want to know why that is? Because Ian the retard came back one day and went like this. I got us Lady and the Tramp statues. I was like, are you insane? Do you think that this is Lady and the Tramp? He was like, yeah, that's Lady and that's the Tramp. And I was like, this is Lady. I still Do you think that this is Lady and Tramp? He was like, yeah, that's Lady and that's the tramp. But I was like, this is Lady. I still think that that's a lady and the tramp.

You want to know what? Have you ever seen a mini Sheltie or like a Sheltie? OK, Sheltie playing with Coyote the other day was Lady and the Tramp. Exactly. Many little dogs playing. She was such a little rapscallion and the lady kept going, Oh, you're being too dirty with me. Best train ride over here. A golden weenie dog, long hair, just face to face with me.

And he kept me like, sorry. I'm like, this couldn't have been a better ride. Did you kiss him? Did you play with him? I let him be. It's a packed train. Like, you know, I just I kind of was respected. Nobody kind of sighed and was like annoyed like we were. It was really a beautiful, cute little moment. Well, you know, you mentioned the trinkets and our guest today is the wonderful, the

fantastic, the amazing Lisa Trager. Thank you. Why would you say the show far? Because he has a gift for me. You sit there and fucking judge and call everything I do retarded and let me be retarded. I got you this. Thank you. Oh my God.

Lisa. Yeah. This is nice. Yeah, you're welcome. Like the Simpsons. I do. I love them a lot. You do?

I have two tattoos. Oh, great. I've got a collection. But most of my stuff's in my parent, like my old room. You're welcome. Do you like the Simpsons? I do, I love them a lot. You do? I have two tattoos. Oh great. I've got Simpsons tattoos. But most of my stuff's in my parent, like my old room in my parent's closet. But I'm a toy collector, I have a lot of Simpsons stuff.

I have really cool stuff. Nice. Yeah. I love trinkets and so I feel really comforted to have trinkets all around me. You're a bare bones girl. No, more bare, just bare. Like I would like bears around me. No're a bare bones girl. No more bear. Just bear like I would like bears around.

You love little guys. You have a whole Containment unit full of little guys at your house. Now to be like a little sheikah in my life I have it in the fireplace and it's all around Mo from the bar It's I have like I've got a phone of his and it works. Oh, that's cool. That's the centerpiece and then they're all around because I also buy trolls with baby eyes. That's kind of my new thing now. I had to throw away all my troll dolls because they scared me when I was little. Yeah, they're a little soulless, but that's why I get the baby eye ones.

Oh yeah, you love trinkets. Yeah, but if they don't fit in there, they get freaking brought here. Okay, I'm not dealing with any, it's not. I don't let it. Apostle's up top. These are two new trinkets I got. Red and Stimpy. Yeah, I'm not down with that. It can't be shitty trinkets. These aren't shitty. Those are cool. Thank you. Yeah, it can't be like what you guys guarantee. I guarantee if she was like, oh, I brought these trinkets.

You'd be like, wow, cool. They're neat. No, these are I have. I like your fucking socks. These are good. I love them for the studio but in my house it has to be more things like this. You like an earth town? This is what I like. Well that was a very nice backpedal. I would like to be able to rub it. You don't like bright colors. You like earth tones.

Camping lodging vibes. What is an earth tone? I hear this thrown around a lot. What is an earth tone? Like brown and green? This is like earth tones, forest vibes. And look at my dark holding up all my pots. That's I love that thing. That's an arts and crafts thing that I made into a kitchen holster.

That's really cool. Yeah. Pretty smart. I don't do these things. You want to see a picture of me of my fattest? Yeah. Yes. I bet you won't even be able to guess which one I am in the picture. We'll see. So he can find, but don't tell which one it is. And we'll put it on the screen. Oh, wait, wait, is this new? Ian hasn't looked at this either. Nobody sees it. Nobody seen it. I just found it the other day. It's really fucked up. Well, I'm going to assume it's the worst. So right now, can we put it up so people can be looking.

Yeah. Scrolling through. What is it? From what? Is it board shorts? It doesn't help anything. Is it board shorts? Let me see. I'm me. Goo! Oh, wow.

I know which one it is. But why isn't it any, is it, why isn't it close to the color you're supposed to be wearing? Like, why were you so off color? Nothing about this is the way you're supposed to be. Because I was gothic, and I wasn't allowed to wear gothic clothes, so I wore all red. Oh, like blood.

Gothic, you look like you're picking your son up at a 90 day rehab. This is out of control. Why did you say do so? I didn't know that was the, what did you say? 90 day rehab. This is out of control. Why did you say two so loud? I didn't know that was me. I knew off the jump. You know that's halfway through my stomach. Off the rim.

That's not under my stomach. That's cutting it in half. You put your clothes in the stomach. How old were you here? 10? 11? Nice. Okay.

I had to get my to read for myself. The sunglasses are like, are a. Cause all of the loose skin. The sunglasses are hilarious. The sunglasses are wild. Yeah. The sunglasses are one of those things where I was just like never in the sun

and then in the airport they're like, you're gonna need sunglasses. And I was like, okay, what about the? Really brutal. Flops, The Flops. Did you have fun? Do you remember having fun? It was no, it was awful. I had all these. I was a cutter at the

time, so my arms were all scraped. It was my first time having people see that. So everybody was a lot of attention on that. And I was so I was talking about whispering about the cut. People could just see it and they

wouldn't say anything. And it was like my extended family who, you know, so then they were like, and my sister was the most beautiful girl at the entire wedding. She was the one next to me. And they were like, that sucks for her. Yeah. And then they got mad at me because the bride said that she wanted to be a stay at home wife. And I was like, huh.

And then they felt that that was offensive. But you just going, huh, even at 10, it's crazy. Even at 10, it just never seemed like a good idea. It just had never come up in my life. I was like, oh, I have, my parents would never, that's an insane, I've never even heard of that. And she was like, yeah, I wanna stay at home with the kids. And I was like, and do what?

And she's like, raise them. And I was like, yeah, yeah, but what will you do? She was like, nothing. I was like, okay. And then you could see that she was like, fuck you. To the kid. Bitch, I love weddings. I just got invited.

I got to save the day yesterday. I'm so excited. Yeah. Who? A friend. That's nice. From back home, comedian? No, comedian.

Oh, that's nice. I love weddings too. I just have to be very careful because if I show up wearing a dress, I have to leave after like 15 minutes. But if I show up wearing like a track suit or a suit, I'm having the best time of my life. Why don't you wear like a high-waisted pant up wearing like a track suit or a suit, I'm having the best time of my life.

Why don't you wear like a high-waisted pant and then like a crop top? That's what I'm for. Or a white tee, like a white nicer, like, but I feel like a high-waisted pant and a cute shirt would work. No, it gets a little matronly. You know what I mean? It has to be something. My head would look so good.

I want to get a nice suit tailor made. What about the dress we were going to get you at the vintage store next door? If I had giant combat boots with that flower dress. I think. There's never a dress you want to wear. Unless it's like to the floor, unless it's very punk or very cool. What's a punk dress? Like a flannel? Safety pins?

No, no. Like a flannel? Safety pins? No, no, like a... Chain mail. Mesh. Yeah, cool. Mesh is good. Or that one was punk to me because it had like daisies on it.

And then if you put big bag boots in it's very... Big bag boots? Big bag boots. But I can't do... But even then I feel weird. Would you guys be on each other's weddings? Yeah. So you look so good. You wouldn't be comfortable with that. She looks so pretty. But you could wear that. But you could wear that. Look how pretty she is. You've shown you've done fine. But you could wear that with pants with like a black shorter top.

I have the. I want this. Yeah, that's great. How cool is this shirt? If you hear any noise, it's just me and the boys bopping. Put that down. We're not doing phone time anymore. Yeah. We've had enough. You look so nice in this dress. Look at you. Stop.

I said stop. Take the compliment. I don't want to. You're making me look at something I don't like looking at. And you're showing people. I don't want people seeing me my bras out. You fucking asshole. Ethan Sculptor.

What? My bras showing and you're- You're showing a picture of you looking like you had to be airlifted to the beach. But shut up bitch. I'm wearing fully clothed. I could not be smaller. And you're showing a picture of me

with my fucking bra on a slip, you piece of shit. I'm not, I'm trying to say you looked great. I said stop and you did it again. All right, all right, fine. I stop. I'm sorry. I'm trying to combat the bad feeling you had with being like, look, you look nice. No, you're not. Yes, I am.

You're pushing my buttons. Yeah, right. No, I'm not pushing your buttons. I'm trying to legit be like you look so pretty in a dress. No, you show it. I said no. I didn't think of the boobs. I was thinking you look so pretty in the dress. I hate you. I fucking hate you. I don't hate you. I would say I could change the topic. I see this. No, pick a side. No.

I pick Jordan. Yeah, thank you so much. Fair. She said not to do it. I did say not to do it. Fair. I was overriding the no to try to get you to accept the compliment. I was wrong. I was wrong. You're a bitch ass piece of dust. And I'm sorry. No, fuck you. I feel like weddings are the only place I really dance to.

Like that I get to dance. I know, I miss dancing. I used to go out and dance. So there's a place by my apartment when I walk home, there's people like, people are dancing in there. And it's cool, but like, I would, I don't know if I would ever go dance. Like that seems so, it's just foreign to me.

You used to do it though. I used to go clubbing for sure. I actually, I was doing shows in Nashville You used to do it though. I used to go clubbing for sure. I actually, I was doing shows in Nashville a few weeks ago and a girl I used to go clubbing with that I've not seen in 17 years was at my show. Holy shit. Yeah, we hung out and like talked about photo, like just tan, fucking nuts.

You what? I was just tan. I had tanning memberships to multiple places. So I didn't have to wait 24 hours. In the past, 17 years ago. 17 years ago. You were a tan girl? I was tan. I had blonde highlights. I was a salon receptionist.

Wow. And I went clubbing in my Aldo heels and I would take Patron shots. When you came to America, you were like thrown into the sludge of American pop culture. How old were you when you came to America? My friends say that. I was three, but like, yeah, I'm a TV, Baywatch is how I learned English. I love TV, Little Mermaid, like, love movies.

And then me and my parents went to the movies every Friday. That's so fun. Growing up till like eighth grade. I should have just gone to school dances and I think I would have learned lessons. But I was at the movies with my parents every Friday. That's so cool. Yeah, I love the Backstreet Boys.

I love Spice Girls. I had a Spice Girls birthday. Like, which Spice Girl are you? Listen, Ginger's my favorite. That's crazy. But we had a redheaded friend, so she had to be Ginger. Having Ginger be your favorite, I've never heard of, and I'm really glad that she has a fan.

Oh, big tits, slutty bread. Hot, slutty. I loved her like, oh, she was the girl power. I always felt like it was like, people like to be the sporty one. They always felt like it was like people like to be the sporty one. They loved baby. Baby was, I think, like the fan favorite. So this is the thing. So like Ginger, I couldn't be excited. Redheaded friend and only had four friends come to this party. Each of us were a Spice Girl fifth grade.

I'm sorry. Wasn't that popular? OK, so. And then baby, I couldn't be because we had our friend was the youngest. And so I was scary at my own birthday. I thought you would be scary. Yeah. And my sister built me horns, like in the movie poster. And I had this leopard shirt and it was we had Oreo ice cream cake. I mean, wow. I always wanted to be sporty, of course. Yeah. Oh, I love you as favorite, like ever.

Like it was just like it was what it was. But are you a sexist? But oh, yeah. OK, let me ask you this. But I was what it was. But are you a sexist? Say girl. But oh yeah. OK, let me ask you this. But I also love the spice girls. You can leave. Listen, the spice girls. Lolly. They have a lot of box that limited to because we were poor and I couldn't afford anything

that limited to but I would get these spice girls lollipops and they are selling for like one hundred dollars on the Internet. They're they've never been made again. They were delicious. Really? There were two but chups. They were like clear. It was they were. I will never forget.

Yeah, I grip onto like nostalgia. Spice Girls had just came out. I think I was in like sixth or seventh grade and a wannabe was like the big video. And we were getting an exhaust fan put in the bathroom. And the guy, the electrician who was doing it was on my dad's over 30s baseball team. And my dad had been dead for like four years.

This guy knew my dad four years ago before he died, was working construction in the house. I didn't know he was home. I was home alone after school. wannabe was on the screen and I was dancing and singing along and I'll never forget he walked down, saw me and goes, Ian, don't do that again. And I was like, okay. And I like took it as like a direct message from my father and was like, no more spice girls, no more spice girls.

So sad for baby Ian. We walked in on my friends, little brother dancing on the table and singing into a hairbrush, um, Beyonce. And we walked in on my friend's little brother dancing on the table and singing into a hairbrush, Beyonce, and we walked in and we were like, yeah, and then he saw us and he was like, ha, and like screamed, now he's a trans woman. Really? Yeah, very happy.

Wow. So, yeah. Maybe, I still have a leg to go on my journey. Aiden, burger, or big? Okay, burger's in my worst, like burger to me is in the top three worst with Krey McDougal. That's like so disappointing. Who are these people?

When he carries the shoe at him and he goes, what is that a pet? Funny thing I've ever heard in my life. He's so funny and cute. I really didn't like, he couldn't handle her success and she had to hide herself. It like sucks. What about the premature ejaculator? That guy was worse. Sure, but they went on a couple dates and she had to hide herself. It like sucks. Like insecurity. What about the premature ejaculator? That guy was worse. Sure, but they went on a couple dates

and she liked his family. Like they broke up in a few weeks, I feel. You know what I mean? But Aiden was too perfect. It was unbelievable. Aiden wasn't perfect. I don't like Aiden. I feel like Big had all that money,

but he didn't respect her. I don't like any of those men. I feel like my favorites are Smith Jared with Samantha and then Harry with Charlotte. What's the mean if someone says you're like a Steve? You're not, you wish you are. No, Steve I loved as a kid, but he bothers me now too. Melinda?

Cause she's trying to work and she's like, will you turn down Scooby Doo? And he's like, no, no, I want a puppy. I love that guy. No, I love him and he owns a bar. Like Steve is the best. We hate Steve. My whole friend group hates Steve. We hate, every time he comes on, we're like, no,

because he's annoying because he walks in, he's like, Melinda, I just love you. Do you mind if I sleep at your house for a week? It's really brutal. Yeah, he was like poor and couldn't handle it and dumped her because she made more men. That's the thing with Berg. Like, I don't like that vibe.

I know, but he had a motorcycle. He was funny. He was a writer. Aiden's horny, but I liked that he built stuff and liked to like lounge and like dogs. Like I was into him even though I think Cary just didn't really have good guys. Yeah.

What do you think about Jazz Man? Which one's Jazz Man? The one that like couldn't talk. It was like wild, but would go, the earth shattering orgasms. I don't remember Jasmine. Jazz guy, oh okay. He's like prominent in my mind.

People say I'm like Jasmine. People say I'm like Jasmine. I remember the premature coming. I wouldn't have taken you as a Sex and the City girl. Big time. I'm so excited by that. We all watch it a lot. My friend group, we each have one of us as each of them.

I'm obviously Miranda. But yeah, when we learn lots of lessons, we'll always quote it. We'll be like, this is just like that. I think about it all the time. Samantha had the funniest lines though, looking back for sure. But I always think no one wants to fuck me and mommy.

I think about all the time. What is this? Miranda was just like, and no one wants to fuck me and mommy. Or was it Samantha? I don't remember. And Samantha, when she gets mad at, or when Charlotte gets mad at Samantha

for fucking the FedEx, that actually happened with me and Chloe Radcliffe. What happened? Where Chloe fucked her FedEx guy and I was like, you're a whore. And she was like, that's so fucked up. And I was like, wow, this is the exact, and it was, you know, and she was like, don't sex shame me. And I was like, that's why, why did it, like,

why did it upset you so much? You don't think it's kind of a hot thing? Cause she doesn't like anyone to be happy. I was worried. No, that's not true. I was just worried for my friend's safety, letting a weird man into her house who she didn't know. Okay. Yeah. Are they still seeing each other?

No, no, no. They just fucked once and he left. But he's never gone into the apartment again a couple times It just made me worried about more than once. Yeah, but he's not been unsafe, right since literally Charlotte's exact reaction Like I was like, oh no, it was Carrie. That's why I was Wait when the FedEx guy came over but then remember like Samantha's then the Charlotte and then When the FedEx guy came over. But then remember like Samantha's, then the Charlotte, and then Charlotte's the Samantha of her other group. When the FedEx guy came over,

was it the first time he came over or did they have a rapport? Or was it just like, they saw each other and like, let's do it, like how did that happen? That's so cool, I'm like so jealous. I would love to have an experience like that. I used to go door to door getting people to sign up for free construction estimates and that was always like the fantasy and that never happened.

My mailman is so sexy. And he's actually been profiled by the New York Times. He's like a sexy known mailman and really yeah. And he has like a velvet New York ink. He's hot. He's mine. I like because I was with my friend, I was like, that's my hot mailman. And she goes, oh, he's well known. And I was like, I can't believe it. Do you ever answer the door like sexy? Well, no, he's downstairs. But when I pass him, of course I go, thanks.

Hey, you know, I say hi always. Oh, but I would say hi if he wasn't hot. Do you ever offer him a water? I really respect the postal service. Great man. Shut up. I don't think ever outside of college. I love UPS costume.

I like the UPS uniform. To me, that's hot. I really am like turned on. No, but I saw Barista wearing it the other day and I was like, I hate that. Yeah, like the cool shirt. No, I don't like the cool. Yeah. How did Chloe make this happen?

How did she make this happen? I think if you're flirty and horny, you can do that. She does. She talked about it with us. I fucked him and then, you know, she's just really good at that. Well, it's cool. We were literally practicing how to I fuck.

She was teaching me and Caitlin how to I fuck and Caitlin was so good at it. Caitlin would do the whole look up and mine was like, Wait, are you gonna come to SoulCycle? It's her 100th ride on Thursday. I go to SoulCycle all the time, but now I'm boxing. No, I know, but why don't you go to her 100th ride? Because I will be in Tacoma.

Okay. Which sucks. I went this morning. I'm almost at 250 rides. Holy shit. 10 more rides. Did you get her into it? She had had a past with it, but I was the one,

I think, like she came to do her cardio with me and liked it enough. And I really like my teachers. So I go three or four times a week, but then she'll like pop in whenever she can. And I love it. Because we do our trainers workouts. So then for the little extra cardio,

which I'm so sore I can hardly move because it was yesterday. Yeah, those videos are cool. Yeah, she does the videos. Yeah, it's really addicting. Then she goes back to Puerto Rico and I can't do it. But I feel my whole mood is so lifted when I am doing it. Yeah, it's so sick.

When I'm punching something, it feels incredible. But I didn't go stone today. I'm always stone at SoulCycle. Today I was like- I used to do yoga, that's the most fun. And I wasn't, and it is harder. I feel it more, I sweat more. I'm like dying more.

I love being high. I have a problem. Because when you're high, you don't increase the thing. You don't have I feel it more, I sweat more. I'm like dying more. I love being high. I have a problem. Because when you're high, you don't increase the thing. You don't have those. Oh no, yes I do. I do so hard. Really? Yeah, and I love the music.

I like love it. I close my eyes more. That's what I just realized. I close my eyes more when I'm stoned. Do you feel like when you're stoned and working out, you're like, this is what we were meant to be doing. Like I used to play baseball stone and I was like, this is, I'm in tune with the mechanics.

That is fucking life. But also and I was like, this is, I'm in tune with the mechanics. But also the room's dark, the lights, like a quote will hit me and I'll be like, yes. There's one woman I like so much and I forget her name, but she looks like Xena Warrior Princess in NoHo. God, she's incredible. I love her. Yeah, I brought the guy that I'm dating there

and we walked out and who is this new person? Who is this? I can't say on the pod. No, I know not name, but brought, I brought the guy that I'm dating there and we walked out and who is this new part? I can't, I can't say on the pod. No, I know not name, but like, is it someone? Same, same, same as always. And then, and then we walked out and then I was like, did you like that? And he was like, I don't need some, he goes, I don't need some party drugs. Sodomite blasting my hair.

Oh, are you, where are the earplugs? You have to wear the earplugs. But I wear earplugs. The earplugs are crucial. I don't know. I'm the only one in earplugs. You have to wear the earplugs. But I wear earplugs. The earplugs are crucial. I don't know. I'm the only one in earplugs. I know nobody wears them.

What's the difference? Do you think it's going to be too loud? Too loud and you get overwhelmed. It is so loud. What do they do? Why do you get scaled? It's not scared. It's too loud.

I wouldn't be able to handle it. Are they screaming at you? No, the music. Like it is, to be honest, it is the screaming. And they're saying stuff like, come on, we're going for it girls. Is that what they're saying? Yeah. Why not? Why not? And this day, push yourself a little harder. They hit me. They hit me so bad. And I make sure if I have like a really big career or something,

I go that morning or the day before, cause I like the inspo. I like it. But the last time when I liked the imagery of you're like a waterfall and imagining just water sloshing in my head felt so good. Well, yeah, I've had the water person. Jasmine. Yeah, that's my number one. That's my number one fave. And then today I went to Karen. She's too much of a jock.

She's a guy's gal. Too many men in the class. There's one woman I despise. Who is it? I forget her name, but she'll be like, she'll be like, is it okay if I tell you about my day? Okay, I will. I walked in, I got coffee. They said, if you got oat milk, weird. And you know what I said?

Fuck that. I like oat milk. So, petal girl. And you're like, what the fuck? What did you just do to me? I love Rachel too. Jordan. I like the pretty girls that are athletic and fun and nice and positive. Is Jordan the one I don't like? She has short curly hair. Brown curly hair.

No, I don't like her. Fuck. I kinda, I'm almost sold on social media. Give me one more thing that may push me over. I talk, I only talk about the same five things over and over. If what? Living a boring life. They've gum when you leave.

They've gum? Oh gum, earplugs, tissues, hair ties. Whoa, I'm in. Hot ladies. I can do both, I know more. And you have me in hair ties. Whenever there is a man in there, all the women are checking them out. Really?

Yeah, 100%. I am. I could go there and they'd check me out. Oh yeah. Totally. Oh, and you can meet gay guys and women. Yeah. I want to do a bit about like your soul cycle instructor when they're coaching versus when they're in the lobby. It's like when they're on their ignoring, they're so beautiful. You're like, they're a celebrity. They're the most beautiful. And then you walk out and they're on their ignoring, they're so beautiful. You're like, they're a celebrity. They're the most beautiful. And then you walk out and they're like, hi, how was

that? You're like, oh, you're scary. Oh, I feel the opposite. I don't feel that way. I don't feel that way. I think that you always have a lump on your head. Dude, I'm telling you, I'll be like, that's the hottest man ever. I'll get off stage. It'll be like riff raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show, like half balding, blonde, scraggly hair. It will. I think that's how they view us, too. When we get off the stage.

Oh, I always look crazy. I look the worst of everyone always because I wake up and I like. Everyone's just so put together in these classes and I'm more gym class. Like how much does it cost? Forty a class. Oh, I'm just going to ride my bike around the city. Yeah, but I'm too scared to do that. I would literally are soul cycling when you ride your bike because you blast music and

you dance and yell, let's go girl. And I talk to myself. I say, honey, I love milk today. Yeah, yeah, too much of that. But I like, I live for a shout out. When I get a shout out, you get shout outs. Yeah. Like I'll give a shout out.

I'm like, I'll pedal harder. Wow. They go, Lisa, I see you. What's the shout out? Yeah, but I played sports growing up. Like, I just want a little positive ref... Actually, when I worked on a show and the director called me, I was like, what do you need?

And I go, I need positive affirmations. Yeah. I go, I need compliments. I'll do a great job. Yeah, but I asked for it and I got it. And I didn't care. Like, it was weird cause I asked for them, but it didn't make me do a better job.

Good, good, good. Yeah. They're like, what do you need on set? I'm like, compliments, compliments about my face and body and personality. Just the work, just the work. Your work is great. It's all right, but I like it. I was trying.

I'm a theater kid. So what did you, you're mad that we talked about soul cycle and Sex and the City? No. Oh, okay. You said one more thing and you're going to put me over the edge. I said one more thing about soul cycle. Then I'll join. Just come.

You don't have to join. Can I come with the girls? The first one will be, I think, isn't it for something? I'll rec, I'll send you a link. I would love to go with the girls. Yeah, come on Thursday. Come on Thursday. Cause it's Caitlin's hundredth class and she'll get like-

Daytime? Yeah, in the morning. What time? She's at 930. I will see after I Know that's why I don't go. I'll go at 930 for Caitlin. I would love to soul cycle There is but I don't there's what and are my favorite teachers there too, but I don't like it There's one guy I go to he just has really good music, but he's negative and I do hate him. Why is he how's he negative with soul? He just wants to give like specific notes. He's just always like it's just Pedal harder, that's it. What are the notes are there? He'll be like he's just he actually went to someone was like do you want lighter weights?

I'm like, could you believe that? I Would be like I would punch him in the face I'll do it. No, she's going to the next level like she's gonna wait. There's weights I would be like, I would punch them in the face. She's going to the next level. Like she's going to wait. There's weights. There's one. There's an arm series.

Be for real. Pretend I don't know. I just feel so crazy. She's talking about full cycle. They need to give me free things. Like I'm so you, you bike for four in place. No, like really fast, right? Yeah. Well, no, it's different.

It's this thing where they do it double time, which I don't know how to do, where they go. You know what I mean? Well, no, it's like sometimes you have to sprint, sometimes you're running, but it's the beat of the music. Like, yeah, the running when you run with the whole. What is that? Because it's hard.

But why do they look like that every time? Or they look so like, and I can never get that pace that they're just put a little bit more resistance. This is exactly what it looks like. Yeah, it is. And you're trying to do it. Yeah. While you're pedaling. And then they're like, and then they're like, now go up, give it another turn. Give it another turn. You can do it. I can do it. One more. Why not? If that's enough. OK. I guess it's too much, you can put it back.

Yeah. Take it off. Cause this is your ride. My ride. It's your hour. My hour. And this is for you. Oh my God.

This is for me. I want there to be an MCV style show called Made and then you get to become a SoulCycle teacher. Why can't Made come back? Cause no one, everyone just wants to be an influencer. I'll do just, if anybody's watching, we will do made. Yeah. What would I want to be made into? A skateboarder.

Whoa. I want to be a skateboarder. They filmed made at my high school. A fisherman. Not my high school, my sister's. Oh, I went fishing in Finland for a TV show and I like bled out a fish and everyone was so impressed with me.

But we were like doing nets. Like we were really, I was with the dudes. Yeah, I want to do nets, I want to do crab. I want to do. You can go two weeks on Taylor's fishing boat. She needs a picker. Taylor. Really? Yeah. Taylor. Can I film it? My best friends is a salmon.

Dude, that was so fun when we went up to the cabin. I was just thinking that today with so sorry. Taylor touched it. Squeeze it a little. Whoa. But you could. Easy with that gun. But you could go. Hey, gun. But you could go. Shh. Shh.

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Thanks. Bye. Have you ever been in a physical fight? Yeah. Cool. I just got in a fight with a fucking bag lady. Oh my God. She fucking, I'm at the thing. I throw my in a fight with a fucking bag lady. Oh my god. She fucking I'm at the thing

I throw my she's changing the bag and In the garbage can I throw my coffee in the garbage can in the empty bag and she's like, oh And I'm like what and she's like nothing and I'm like she takes it out my cup out and puts it in her garbage And I'm like is this some lady at the office and I was like, why would how would I know that? That's the and then she was like just go and I was like, why would, how would I know that that's the, and then she was like, just go. And I was like, no, I'm not going to go. How would I know that that's a fucking wrong thing?

And then I eventually had to leave. I get in a fight all the time. I got into a fight with a man at the airport recently. I ran. Well, these are verbal arguments. I'm in a verbal fight. I'm in class constantly. I slammed a man physically.

I'm in a vacation. I believe in justice and I will get into an altercation. Yeah. I have a good moral compass. Sometimes I get scared. If it starts going the wrong way. Sometimes I never go like this when you yell at them and they go. Oh, I got in a fucking thing last night with a homeless guy.

The spit is my fear. You can punch me, kick me, but I've been. God, your tattoos are so vibrant and good. It's like beautiful. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, I've never seen that little animal on the inside. R&D tattoo? It's tough, but at least it's covered most of the time.

Thank you. Yeah. Fair. Last night. I remember that chili pepper tattoo, like what's worse. Yeah, really? No, that, yeah. No, it's not.

It's a piece of traditional art. Yeah. Fuck all of you. Oh, I'm fine with it. Thank you. Last night. I think the'm fine with that. Thank you. I think the free eagle with that is hilarious. Why?

Because it's like America pride, freedom, eagle, and then it's like the Native Americans. This is American history. More than this. Totally. The death of all of those is American history. I'm not celebrating their death. I'm celebrating their life. Do you know what this is life do you know this is do you know what that is because I don't know it's not you have life and death here yeah life and death you can make them bugs bunny shooting one of them yes he's killing the eagle and then eating it with the chief last night tell me if I'm right or wrong. Yeah. It's so funny remembering that she took a hit of a joint.

Yeah. So we just turn and look at her and she's like. Remembering she's here. Last night in line Van Lewin, I'm about to go up to do my order. Homeless guy barges in, goes through the tip cup, takes a big chunk of money and I go, yo, fuck you. I go, put that back. And these people go, no, no, stop. To me. And I go, no, no, no, fuck you. I go put that back. And these people go, no, no, stop.

And I go, no, no, no, fuck you. Put that back. He goes, it's only a nickel. I go, it's not a fucking nickel. You took a big chunk of change. That's not yours. Put it back. He goes, but it's a nickel. I go, it's not put it back. And he goes, fuck you. And he put it back, stormed out. Everybody left the fucking woman behind the thing, the thing behind the thing. She goes, thank you. No one's ever stopped that before. I really, it's not worth getting in a fight with someone over because the money's not really mine. And I'm like, okay. And then she charged me full fucking price for my ice cream. You know what? That doesn't make any sense to be mad about. She needs to make money.

That's why you kept her the money. No, no, no. I'm not mad about the full price of the ice cream. I'm pissed that everybody walked out and then told me to stop when I was telling him to fucking not steal money from this woman. You have to understand that there's an obsessive compulsive aspect to it. Huh? Like if a homeless man, if I'm in a fight with a homeless man and they come near me,

I go, no, because we don't want to be touched by them because they have poopy paws. Yeah. I wasn't really thinking it through. I know, I know, but I just want you to know that that's what other people are thinking. Other people are going, if there is a fight, I don't want poop on me. That's what they're thinking. They're not being like, I'm removing myself from this hostility. They're being like, poop hands.

Poop hands. Whenever I get into a fight with a homeless man, immediately I'm like, but obviously don't touch me. But obviously don't hit me because you're full of shit. Yeah, great. Yeah. What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? I got into a fight with a homeless man. I got shoved with someone in the sewers and homeless,

but we started screaming at each other, but then I realized he could kick my ass and I could tell how mad he was. So I was like, oh, because I wanted to have the last word, of course. Yeah. But I had to be like, oh, I don't want to get hit today or any day. I really don't want to get hit. I did almost chase down a cab last night because I called an Uber and he was like, are you going? I was like for Jordan. And he goes, yeah, you going to Brooklyn?

And I said, yeah. And he goes, nope. And then just cancels the ride. And I almost chased his car down and smacked it because that's what I'll do is I'll smack the mirror. And then I was like, that feels good. Yeah, the mirror smack is good when you close it. You go, now you got to get out to open it back up again, idiot. You got to pull over.

Yeah. But I did get into a fight with a man at the airport recently. And I told everybody that he was a pedophile. What do you mean, everyone around you? He hit my dog with his luggage on purpose, and I chased after him and smashed him up against a taxi cab with my luggage. And I was like, this is what you do. You want to fucking hit a person? You hit a person, you don't hit a fucking helpless dog. I was like, what are you, a sociopath hitting animals?

You know what sociopaths do? They fuck kids. And I went, hey, everybody, this guy fucks kids. Did he get in the car? Did he try to fight back? Or then he realized that you were the crazy one and he wanted to lay a bit. Yeah. At one point he looked at me like, what? And I kind of looked at him like, I don't know.

Yeah, but you can't kick a dog. Like you can't kick a dog. Not my fucking dog. You can hit a big dog, she's a little dog. What are you doing? It was crazy. Did you know Austin? He went up to his buddy at the airport at 8 a.m.

And he goes, this guy's here to meet a kid! And he was like, no, no, no! He was like, yep, yep, this guy right here, here to meet a kid. That is so fucked up. And his friend was like, no, no, I'm just here to get a coffee! That's like the most fucked up thing you can do to someone. That's so fucked up. That's prank ever. Today's April Fool's Day.

We could still do it today. Oh my God, you're right. She's here to meet her kid. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm like, why else I don't get sarcasm? Oh, I thought you meant like influencers in person. You're talking about online. Yeah, like I've just been like, oh my God. And then it's like, I'm a fool. I got excited.

There's this great Boston hardcore band named Blood for Blood. And a flyer, my group chat went out. It was like April 31st, cash only, Brockton, Massachusetts, Blood for Blood. And we were all like, yeah, April 31st, cash only, Brockton, Massachusetts, blood for blood. And we were all like, yeah, April 31st is not real. Oh no. I was so excited. But it is on April 32nd though. I'm pumped about that.

One time I accidentally. Followed up with a laugh. Thank you. I thought I got like a steal to see the chili peppers, but it was a cover band. But they have like a deceptive name. What is it? I don't remember steal to see the chili peppers, but it was a cover band. But they have like a deceptive name. What is it? I don't remember.

The real hot chili peppers. Yeah, like something really deceptive. Okay, let's talk. Well, oh my God. You love the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I would say I did, yes. So do I, up until a point. I do not like them after.

Post-Cadiamarcadia, I stopped. But that's probably later than a lot of people. I could not listen to any, you know theyadia, I stopped. But that's probably later than a lot of people. You know they have like six albums after that? It's crazy. And they're all Bidu ba ba dibu California! Or Shante's back, maybe it's better. I thought you liked Ska, isn't that Ska-ish?

Yeah, they were like funk for a little bit. Freaky, style-y? No, I like the Californication by the Way era. Like those... That's junior high and high school. Uh, Mother's Milk, amazing album. Red Hot Minute, I will say is a good album. They have a song on there that's about,'s about a tribute to Kurt Cobain. And the first time I heard it, I cried. It's called Tear Jerker. But then I just seem like I really only want to listen to pop girls. Like I don't really

veer far from that. You like the new Gaga? Yeah. I heard it's good. Yeah, it's really good. It's good. I love her. Do you like Boy Genius? No. Or no, Boy Crusher. Do you like Mannequin Pussy? Mannequin Pussy is great. Yeah, it's really good. It's good. I love her. Do you like boy genius? No.

Or no boy crushers. Do you like mannequin pussy? Mannequin pussy is great. No, but maybe I would. And also they're a good band. I liked it. Sorry. What else would you do? I would. Yeah, I would try mannequin pussy. Do you like scowl? But I'm like Miley, I want the new Taylor.

I'm listening to Dochi. I'm just like, give me the girl. That's it. I'll listen to it. Love Miley. You need to have a daughter. I don't want to have children. I know, but it'd be so fun to be your daughter. I would have... You put so many outfits.

Well, I'm friends with a lot of children that are my friends' kids. Clip that. Friends to the left. Yeah. And I have a lot of overlapping interests with them. So we really vibe. That's so fun. Yeah.

Same with my niece. We'll play hardcore with action figures and little guys, figurines. And we make up games. I like when she makes up games because she sounds like a complete alcoholic. She'll be like, these folk are used to go here. The only way to get on top.

You guys put three at a time. Don't not three at a time, six at a time. And then you go loop around. If you don't live around, you don't get in time. OK, go. And I'm like, where does she live? In Ithaca. OK. I made my friends kids cry because we were playing a game and the dinosaur is not supposed to win and the dinosaur won. So I like thought it'd be fun to be like, look, the dinosaur won. And I like made the dinosaur knock over a thing of water and they

cried and ran away. I was like, ah, but the dinosaur. And then I let them paint my toenails. No, you said that the dinosaurs were all extinct. That's what I said. Yeah ah, but the dinosaur. And then I let him paint my toenails and it was ugh. No, you said that the dinosaurs were all extinct. That's what I said. Yeah, you said the dinosaurs have all been extinct and that's why they cried. My mom used to take Teddy Grahams and go, don't, please don't eat me. And I was such a fat fuck that I'd be like, I have to, I'm sorry. Teddy Grahams are so overrated.

I know, but not if you dip them. Not if you dip them, they're good. Oh, like in the lunch They were just so little. I just never really... Speaking of lunch packs, the only thing I've been eating is Starbucks cheese packs. Okay, you can't do that because you get constipated in diabetes. People tell me I've been losing weight. I have been. The scale says it. You have been?

I have been too. I'm down to 157. Nice. I was at 168. I'm at 169. That's where I was at. But when I was doing the meat diet, but then I stopped eating meat and lost 10 pounds. I'll eat meat if it's in the cheese pack. That's not meat. That's so good. Took my buddy Jimmy out to dinner the other night. See, Stefano, shout out. Jimmy. It's good. I like the egg white bites at Starbucks. Oh, roasted red pepper ones. They're so good. Roasted red peppers are amazing.

Just processing. The egg white bites are so fucked up. They're fluffy. I think that that's healthy. That is it. Well, it is calorie wise if you're counting calories. But like in terms of, you know, the plastic, just like process. I only because I don't cook at all. I'm like, I'm only eating processed foods. I'm on a microplastic only diet. Yeah, that's how I feel. I just want like an uncrustable and a string cheese.

Yeah. Yeah, you guys are in the same diet. You are. You look great, by the way. Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. What are you going to do? No, you're not. I am. And I just look back at old photos being like, why was I so upset? You look fantastic. I think I may be dressing better. I hired a stylist.

You're dressing better. Yeah, I'm dressing better better. I hired a stylist. Oh, you're dressing better. Yeah, I'm dressing better. Because I thought you lost weight. No. Me too. No. Good job. What do you do?

I work out to just maintain. But I still, I work out to just maintain. Your hair looks great. Honestly, I can't do anything. I'm allergic to like every product, so I just wash it and then I kind of. If I compliment, I give you false short. And then I straighten it a little bit, but I don't, you know. I'm like, your face looks great. You're like, yeah, rosacea. Oh my gosh, I'm fired don't, you know. My hair is what it is. Your face looks great.

You're like, yeah, rosacea. Oh my gosh, you've carried on. No, no, my skin is good. I will take that compliment. I mean, I'm happy to look fine, but I'm definitely the heaviest ever. Sometimes it's hard to even look at myself. What?

You have a stylist? What's that called? I did, I hired one. Like, when the special came out, I was like, I'm gonna do fun stuff. I should like not look like shit. And I kept getting clips from the seller where I was like, am I wearing leggings and an SVU sweatshirt?

Like, I can't live like this. You know, like I can't put this on the internet. I was like, I just need to like dress a little bit better. And packing has been easier because like everything kind of goes together. So I'm packing the same few skirts, tops, switching it up and just like wearing what she got me. And I'll hire her again for the summer, I think. I wear the same thing.

I have nine of these. You're a cool girl. Yeah, but I don't fit into stuff. It's just like, yeah, I like a professional doing things for me. There's a piece of like something in your crotch that's bothering me. Can you grab it?

It's a fluff. It's a fluff. It's from Glenn. No. Yes, it is. It's from the pillow. Tell me that's not Glenn. Glenn is the softest, most beautiful little boy cat.

Isn't Glen nice? He's really nice. I love him. So beautiful. My parents feed a street cat right now and it's been really sweet. Really? Yeah.

What's the name? Well, some of us call him Russian Blue. Some people call him Katara. I don't know what my mom does. Everyone has a different name for him, but he gets on the shed and knocks on my kitchen window, like a little drive-through. Like a drive-through?

And then we like feed him, and then my dad will give up more food by the grill. Oh, that's amazing. Keegan Tindall, a very funny comedian who never underwent any sort of accident or anything, has a, he yelled at me the other day, because he was like, every time he'd bring me up on a podcast, you're like, you know that kid who got burned?

Oh my God. But Keegan Tindall, very funny comedian, has nothing to do with that. Has a pregnant cat living on his fire escape. About to burst. Oh, get those little babies. Wait, I have to text someone. Okay. Do you want one? I can't. Get it.

I can't. Do it. Get a little kitten and bring it on the road and it'll be a road cat. And you will love it so much. I know. I just seem like barely able to really take care of myself and be tidy. I can't really. These guys help me a lot. Look at me. No, you're killing it.

That dog is so cute. If I didn't have these guys, I'd kill myself. But you do have a distinct style. Your dress. Thank you. No. You got your tie. You got a tattoo compliment.

OK. It's just this sweater, sweater every day, these pants and. Yeah. I never, I didn't wear pants until maybe within the last year. I don't really, I've worn dresses. I don't wear pants until about 4pm. I can't believe they just said that, okay,

the loose, loose like low waisted. If I didn't have you, I'd die. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Bag it, no, Gen Z, like they're strong. Gen Z saved my fucking life. But like, I love their thing. He sucks. Like everything's got to be baggy.

No, like I used to be like, what's the right way? They're just like putting a bikini top, whatever stickers on their face, baggy pants, baggy sweatshirts, like and wear sneakers to the prom. Like I wore sneakers to my prom. I want pink tux to my prom. I used to wear red checkerboard slip ons. Yeah, but you were like trying to my prom. I wore pink tux to my prom. I used to wear red checkerboard slip ons. Yeah, but you were like trying to do something. No, I wasn't.

In the ska community. As a representative, I was- The Gen Z has made our life- Clip, banana clips being back? Banana clips are back. I'm like, my dream. They never went away to me. Taller socks.

Oh, it's so easy. Y'all dress like you're going to school With your shoes penny loafers old man shoes and you look like these going to school You know who got who made me get these Alex English had them in black and I love them and I really look how sick These are they're very so he always dresses like he's a chef his his Aesthetic is exactly what I want mine to look like. Yeah, you guys.

See, I like Gen Z up top, but I do not like their baggy pants. I do. I like the big jeans. Dude, I saw a girl in shorts down to here. You know those shorts? With high boots. That's the thing. They're wearing the baggy, like, Jinko shorts, but then also high-heeled boots with it.

I get worried that when your shoes have big baggy around it, you're going to step on the baggy and trip. No, they're like cuffed at the back. Like their backs. I don't know. They're me. I don't know. They got it. I don't like it. They have worse things. School shootings. Like they're not scared of tripping. I guess they are. Sorry to bring up school shooting.

That's the fact of life. Just none of you said anything. So it became so like uncomfortable. A daily daily. It's just OK. We kind of missed the school shooting. Oh, I do a bit about this right now, but I threatened to murder my chemistry teacher in the middle of class to his face and like truly nothing happened. No one cared. And it was post Columbine. Really?

Yeah. Dude, a kid in my class. Shout out. I won't say your last name, Tom, still friends. He called her mad teacher a bitch to his face. He was like, Miss, Miss, I forget his name. He goes, you're a bitch. What do you think of that? And he was like, um. I said that to so many teachers. I could never. I just told one teacher, you know what happened with one teacher? I was calling my mom on the, on the staff phone and he walked in and hung up on her. And I was like, yo, what the fuck man? And he, he was like, you got, I was like in seventh grade and he was like, you can't use this phone.

And I was like, why don't you get the fucking spider out of your ass? And then he was like, Oh my God. And he called my mom back and he's like, do you know what your kid just said to me? My mom goes, well why the fuck did you hang up on me? And I was like, yeah, I thought she was going to be like, well, why do you have a spider in your ass? No, she, I never, they would call her and they'd be like, your daughter's missing. And she'd be like, she's right here. And they'd be like, you need to send her back. And you're like, what? She's here.

She's already home. I'm going to set what for four hours just to pick her up. Fuck that. It was crazy. But I was so mean to teachers. I would get, I would bring the lasers and shine it on their penis. No, I treated, well, not all of them. I hated some, I tortured some. We definitely made our fifth grade teacher, Mr. Michael, cry a lot. Oh, this poor motherfucker. His name was Mr. Stroll. We used to write Stroll 420 on all the desks for some reason.

And one kid made him cry and I'll never, oh God, it hurts my heart thinking about it. Oh God. What are you doing? I don, God, it hurts my heart thinking about it. Oh, God. I don't know. Just like being mean to a teacher. The guy was like 23 trying to teach a bunch of kids like and nobody respected him. And we all thought it was like hilarious. It was just it's just so bad to be mean to a teacher.

I know I one of my friends, moms, I ran into recently. One I threatened deserved it. Oh, good. What do you do? That's good? He was a chauvinist. Some of them are fucking shitheads. Some of them are bad. Some of them are really fucking bad. I can only imagine what some of my students say about me when I was like teaching the South Bronx.

But didn't you have the some teachers that you were like, they're my man? I would treat them like soul cycle teachers. Right. So I demanded to be an AP English and the school was like, you really shouldn't. And I was like, I have to have this teacher. And I got a C and a D, like I couldn't handle it. I was definitely not smart enough, but like I wanted it.

Why? I wanted to impress. I think the teachers that got got deserve to get got. You know what I mean? Taste. I loved, our janitor was the sickest dude ever. I was so confused. Our janitor fucked a student.

Our athletic director had two DUIs. That's so hot. Dude, our teacher in charge of campus ministry fucked a bunch of kids. Students, not kids. The guy in charge of our campus ministry who would take us on retreats ended up fucking like a bunch of students.

Well, obviously. Crazy. One of our custodians who had passed away, rest in peace, used to have drum circles. And me and Brianna would always have to come after school to finish work in like the photo lab. And we would always walk in on just fully half naked men, long dredges.

And we'd be like, don't. And we'd be like, and we'd scurry off and just bake the shit out of the photo. I got banned for making out in the dark room at school. I got head in the dark room. Oh my god. Holy shit. That's cool.

A lot. Wow. Yeah. My god. Wow. We all had really good schools because I had a photo. We had a photo studio too. That was taking photography in high school was the coolest.

I thought I was so deep. Dude, before 9-11, like two weeks before 9-11, I wrote on a piece of paper, God bless America, and I set it on fire and took a picture and was like, whoa. Yeah. Whoa, deep, man. Oh, I wasn't good at it. I remember her being very good at it. Neither was I.

But she did roller derby. She had back tattoos, you'd see sometimes. Whoa. That's cool. How old were you when you got first tattoo? 16. I was 17. Someone's apartment, a flower on top of my pussy. No way.

With my friend, Julian. Show it. Is it still there? Of course it's there. Really? You didn't get a couple of them? How high up? That's cool.

What kind of flower? Like a silly draw. Like a, yeah. It's good. But then the guy's, like, girl came good. But then the guys like girl came home. It was like three teens getting tatted. My other friend got like a flower on her pussy and then the other friend she was the most like bad of us. She got a naked girl like holding a gun like caressing a giant gun on her ankle. Her parents were orthodox Jews.

She was on Rumspringa. Yeah, she was. Oh, dude, I want to get a tattoo of a skeleton dancing with a naked woman. Where's that cramp thing? Skeleton dancing. Oh, the one I got you that you never use and now you want it under the couch. Is it under the couch? So there is a flashlight here or like the innards of one.

Oh, it's a auto blow. Oh, is it connected to that thing? No, that's a Ghostbusters proton pack. No, no, no. The blue, but it's in this like plastic blue thing. Oh yeah. That's its house. Got it.

Because when I was in elementary school, my friend did show me her dad's pocket pussy and it was like, it's a memory. You know, I still have. I couldn't get her out of there. Back in the day, we didn't have pornography. We just had to sleep at someone's house and hope their dad was a fucking pervert. It's like all my behind paintings and everything. I found all my dad's porn hidden in a tile in the bathtub. So like on the outside of the bathtub was all tiled and I found a tile that moved

and I pulled it out and it was bags of porn. And I was like, Dad, what is this? It was always VHS. And he's like, that's your mother's dyke porn probably. And I was like, my mom and I was like, it was obviously to a man and a woman fucking on everything. He was like, I heard. I don't know what that is.

It was crazy. This is what I want to get. Fine. Oh, I like that. Yeah, I like that a lot. Shout out, Carina Novella R&D. I was like that a lot. Shout out, Karina, Bella, R&D. Oh, speaking of high school. Shout out her.

Fuck you. This thing is. That's don't be mean. It's so what? You you didn't heal it well, bro. And what happened early in her career? She's a great artist now. Do not be mean.

Yes, scarring has to do with how you heal it. No, it could be overworked because I got fucked up my last time. I got fucked. Yeah. And it's like, stopped me from getting tattooed. And I the scar, it's like I there were no scar. He scarred. It was like it healed the thickest scab I've ever had. I've been getting tattoos since I was 16. So like 20 fucking years. You know what I mean?

I know how to heal a tattoo. Can we go back to Gen Z and how they dress? Sure. I did fuck up and say that, but I was talking about something slightly triggering while she was tattooing me. But then it was, it is now raised a hundred percent of the time. And there's scars. I wore pink tuxedo to my senior prom and they wrote an article about polyester in my local paper. I was in the paper.

What? Not polyester. Ian Finance of Fairfax says polyester helps him get the chicks. For his senior prom in May, he wore this pink polyester tuxedo. He said he loves being unique. That sucks. Let me see the tuxedo. Yep. Just's drop a little hint. That thing is awesome.

Yeah, we got it at a joke store called Jokes R Us. Cool. We crashed the prom. We didn't, we don't have proms, so we crashed the prom. You went to proms? No, our school has like 32 kids a class and it's a hippie school and they're against that shit. We didn't even have a sports team. Wow.

We just had ultimate frisbee that we'd play barefoot outside. Crazy. Yeah. It was like for bad kids or special kids. You went to like Montessori for adults. No, it was a public school. You didn't play any sports. I could picture you being like, a little bit of field hockey.

My dad begged them. My dad was like, please let me start a basketball team because I was really good at basketball in middle school. What'd I say? Basketball. I was really good. And they were like, no, I was, my dad was like, I'll do it for free. I'll go to bed at basketball. I was so bad. I was just 23. Cause I was named after Michael Jordan. I was good at baseball. Stop eighth grade, and then walked on junior of high school. Amazing comeback story, got cut, cried in my car in the parking lot.

Anything? I was on the all boys football team in eighth grade. That's awesome. On offensive lineman on the line. Really? Yeah. And it was one of the worst experiences of my life. But I did it for feminism, so I couldn't quit.

Well, I didn't know the game. Like you were always a little Lisa Simpson. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I was. Yeah, I was. I always say shit. But I was like, I'm going to join the football. But all the other girls in homeroom said they would, too. And then they didn't. Really?

I was like, OK, but I have to finish the season. Why didn't they get your back? I don't know. They didn't want to get the shit beat out of them every day. Did you? Yeah, I was fully bruised. The school saw my parents for beating me. All the time. Yeah. And they would sometimes one guy grabbed my face mask and kept headbutting me. Like all of this. He was just flirting.

Blue, black and blue everywhere. That's a while. They all hated me and no one would explain. I would just get the number and I'd push the other guy out of the hole. Oh, like, that's all I did. You just have to like shower alone. Yeah, no one wanted me there. I remember one time the coach was like, we need to get these fucking pussies. And then he went, sorry, Lisa.

And I was like, this is my nightmare. Why did you do this to yourself? I thought it would be, I don't know, to prove a point. But I wasn't good and I didn't have fun. But I want to quit. I don't know. What's going on? Wait, you're doing it. You're coming home every day, bruised up. Your parents are like, you don't have to do this. And you're like, I have to. And you're like, I'm in eighth grade. Feminism. I was running. I played other sports. I played basketball. I was on. And then, you know, I ended up swimming. I played softball. Like just did it. I don't know for a year for the season.

That's crazy. That's awesome. That's cool. Just getting a bleeding. Yeah. Wow. Wearing tight little white pants. Knew it. Knew it. Having your period. You imagine they would pull on my pigtails because I'd have to have two braids underneath and they fucking pull them to my god.

I used to watch my sister play rugby and they would just go up in the air and then a girl would grab the ponytail and just rip their heads back down. I was like. Oh God. I was in swim, I was in swim. Why did your sister get to rugby and you couldn't do any sports?

No sports. Cause I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of balls flying at me. I'm scared of doing. Well, there goes your social life. Clueless. Clueless, one of the best movies of all time. It changed the way we fucking speak and it doesn't get enough credit.

Dude, that movie. I fucked my stepbrother because that movie. Is so genius. No. Yeah. That's my favorite movie. I love that movie so much. It's top three for me.

You guys should do it for Halloween. You should. That's your costume. That's a great costume. You can't be Paul Rudd. I will be Paul Rudd and you be. Well, no, you both are. It's a Dion and Cher or Amber.

Oh, my God. You have to be Amber and I'll be Cher. That would be amazing. Or whatever, you know. Or no, I'll be Brittany Murphy. Yeah, that's actually perfect. That's perfect. Yeah. I hope not sporadically. That's your virgin who can't drive.

Roll in with the homies. That movie's perfect, dude, when she's giving the... That's how I found out about Scott was that movie. Yeah. Mighty, Mighty Ballstones. That was huge. Two huge bands in movies in the 90s. Mighty, Mighty Ballstones and Cannibal Corpse in Ace Ventura. Oh yeah.

I, dude, when she is giving her speech and she's talking about the Haitians and she calls them the Hatians. Yeah. It's just so subtle and amazing. Wait, do you know that that was an accident and no one corrected her? She didn't know how to do it.

Really? Yeah. I thought that was like such a smart play on words. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to read little movie facts. I play little movie games. Is it not weird though that she's 15 in that movie? Paul Rudd is 21, 22.

It's a different time. And they make her so hot. But she was a senior. California, no. Was she not a senior? She was 15. Oh, because of her driver's license. She couldn't drive, she was a sophomore.

Oh my God. Yeah, I know. My sister was 15, 18, 20 year old. Yeah, it's like weird. Yeah, that's weird. It's weird. Was he supposed to be 20? He just shouldn't, like you shouldn't want to date someone 20 year old. Yeah, it's like weird. Yeah, that's weird. It's weird.

Was he supposed to be 20? He just shouldn't, like you shouldn't wanna date someone in high school and you're out of high school unless like you started in high school. But it's based off of Macbeth? What is? It's based off of a Shakespearean, oh, the ages or whatnot.

I don't know, I remember in junior high, this girl dated a 22 year old and we thought she was cool, obviously an issue, but she was a cutter on her thighs. And I just remember seeing the photo of her like standing with a sweatshirt with her cut up thighs and him over her and he was 22. And I was like, Oh God, my sister was 15, dated a 20 year old. Then she got R.I.P. E.D. and they said, we can't know. R.I.P. E.D. I said R.A.P. E.D. Oh, and then they said, they said, if you, we found your boyfriend's stuff in you

and that's statutory rape because he's older. If you press charges, we're going to put him in jail. So they couldn't press charges. So he only got six years and older guy did that. And now they're still friends her and her ex her and her boyfriend. And he helps like he's the family, but he's still very close with the guy that order. No, no, the guy who was her boyfriend at the time is like around every day helping with Sophia and is the best guy ever. I love him. Shout out. Oh, that's good. Yeah. A guy art a friend of mine and I threw a cinder block through his windshield at a party and I had to deny it. Oh my God. Do you want to know what happened to my house with knives? And I was like, I was a Taco Bell the whole time. Dude, Helene, RIP, fucked this guy's girlfriend.

And she was so hot, I totally get it. And he was very upset and she wanted to like, basically the girl decided to stay with him and not go with Helene because she wasn't ready to be gay. And Helene was like really upset. So I was like, dude, let's just get the BB gun, let's shoot the BB gun to get your rage out. So I lined up all these bottles

and she shot all of the bottles and then we heard a huge smash and she had ended up shotting the windshield of the guy's girlfriend. She shotting it. She shotting the windshield of the guy's girlfriend. She fucked. So then she had to go and be like,

hey, I didn't shoot your windshield because I fucked your, it really was a, it was crazy. But I remember being like, Ron, and she was like, Ron, what? That's great. I've never shot a gun and I would like to. It is so fun. I'm very good. It is amazing. It's a blast. I think everybody should shoot a gun. You bring your own gun to the range or can I go to the range and they give me a gun?

Yeah, OK. Would you like to shoot like this or like this? Like this? I think I'm going to do this. I think every you're not going like this or like this? Like this. This makes me think I'm gonna do this. I think every, you're not gonna do it because you think about it. So the fact that you, it's like, the fact that you recognize that. Ticket, ticket, ticket, ticket, ticket. Ticket, ticket, Tavi.

Ticket, ticket, ticket, ticket. You should go, everyone I think should shoot a handgun and a shotgun and you will understand why guns aren't as bad as people think. Well, very bad guns are the worst thing to ever happen. No, they're not. Shoot guns. But it's like, what are we talking about? Yeah. If you have a domestic violence charge, you shouldn't be able to get a gun.

Certainly. If you like, there's all these things. So it's like, you know, certainly, I agree. There's some universal truths. They're under bad men are not good at drivers, except for me. I'm really good at parallel parking. I love parallel parking. There's always women drivers. But I'm done driving.

That's good. Why? Because I'm done. I didn't love it in LA. It's so fun. I mean, when I go home to the suburbs, I love that. I love driving in LA because those motherfuckers don't know how to drive, so I'm fucking out.

The suburbs of Chicago, I just want to go through like drive throughs and go to home goods. I drove somebody's car the other day and was looking for parking and immediately it was just like nauseous. It was just like fuck. I just love this lifestyle. Like I got from Manhattan to here, like so fast. Like the train is just like, it's magic to me.

And the Uber splurge feels so good. Just being like, I'm gonna get an Uber. You know? And then you sit in the back and scroll and scroll, scroll. Or it's my phone time. And I'm just chatting when I'm driving. I do not text. I do speak to text and I do all my phone calls.

And I love it when I'm on the train, I'm texting and I feel disconnected. But when I'm driving, I like to bring a magazine. I'm fine. I love the train. I love reading on the train. I love doing my crossword on the train. Like people watching. I yelled at a guy the other day for having an extra. I do all that while driving.

Of course. Oh. Driving is fun, but it's just. I was just too stoned in LA to be driving as much as I was driving. So it was just kind of like an fun experience and annoying. And I hated like when you're out with people, you'd have to all caravan to the next spot. Like I was just like, I just like a little more spotty in my day today.

Hopping in, driving around. Beep beep boop boop. It's like we're all going to the movies. We all are driving to the movies. It's like so annoying. I volunteer to drive every time. Yeah, he is a good at that because he's sober guy. Yeah.

So it is- Aren't you a sober girl? Yeah, yeah. But in LA, he can a good at that because he's sober guy. Yeah, so it is. Aren't you a sober girl? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But but in L.A. he can just be the dude and he likes people around him at all times. I would be like, can we please not all go in the same car? I want to be alone. But Ian's like, everybody in on top around me on my dick. I'm on my face. I'll drive you back. Yeah. Where are you home? Can I keep you? Stand up yours in Chicago.

I was one of the people with cars like I was always driving people and like. Yeah, that was so fun. And that was fun. But I don't care. I would have of the people with cars. Like I was always driving people and like, taking charge of that. And that was fun, but no. Pick them butterly up to go to open mics and shit. I would have comics in the back of my truck. Be like, lay down. Yeah. Don't let them see you. Smoking weed at the open mics.

Laying in the back of a pickup truck. Never, that's so scary to me. The idea of smoking weed and going on stage is the scariest thing I can imagine. What? Smoking weed but, did you ever do that? No, no.

I went up on Molly once. I went up on mushrooms once. I went? No, no. I went up on Molly once. I went up on mushrooms once. I went up on acid once. I went up on Coke once. I'm not a Coke girl. I went up on Coke once, threw a chair. Everybody thought it was a performance piece and I got banned from the venue.

Speaking of throwing a chair, what's the guy's name who sings last night? We let the liquor talk, he just did SNL. Oh yeah. Walked off. Walked off. But I love it in the background of the photo, it's Marissa, everyone having like so much fun.

And it's just like, It's so hot though. It's so fucked up. It's not because it's like, just don't do it. Like you're doing it and you hate it. Everyone just don't come. And then to get on a PJ. This is the hottest thing I've ever seen.

I was immediately aroused. Him being like, fuck. Because he gets, he finishes, he goes, good job Mikey or whatever. And then he just is like peace. Cause you know the SNL thing where all, they're all kind of blowing each other and it's really sweet.

That's just been like yay. But it's part of what it is. Ever since I was a little kid, I was like this, I don't like this. Oh, I like love it. I never liked it. I always thought it was fabricated. I always thought it was artificial.

There was always one person that I was like, hey, could somebody let that person in? Well then it's not that artificial, right? If one person is just standing in the corner. But it was artificial. There was always one person that I was like, hey, could somebody let that person in? Well, then it's not that artificial, right? If one person is just standing in the corner. But it was like a bummer because that person's not as good as acting and they can't just be like, oh, and they're just like new. And it always made me feel like the the the I was like, if I was there, I'd be so weird and I'd feel so bad.

Oh, and so when he walked off, I was like, let's fucking go. I thought that was so rude and such a jerk off move to go get me to God's country. It's like, dude, on a private jet. You were in New York. What is too many brown people for you? Like, it's so weird. You were shepherded around in such an insulated version of New York. Shut the fuck up.

Well, it's also like fine to do it, but then people defending him be like, why are we even talking about it? I'm like, cause no one's ever done it. So it's like, of course something weird, but I don't think anyone cared. And it's also like, also wasn't he found would have stayed, they all don't like you. Like no one actually went to talk to him. So it's fine that he left, but then to act like he was in the power play when it's like,

no, no one actually wanted to there. Why did they invite him? Is he not even- Because Lauren's an 80 year old rich man. Like he doesn't give a fuck. But he threw a chair recently, he went to jail. He threw a chair up on- He also was supposed to do SNL years ago,

but like failed COVID tests and was lying about it. You know, like they were supposed to have him on. I'm back in love with him. I like you. And he did, oh, okay, whatever. I don't like that he did it, but I am attracted to that he did it. You know what I mean?

I get it. If my boyfriend did that, I would be like, we're fucking right now. If he walked off. For sure. If I saw my boyfriend like, hey, hey, hello, baby. I'd be I get it. If my boyfriend did that, I would be like, we're fucking right now. If he walked over, if I saw my boyfriend like, hey, hello, baby. I'd be like, oh, for something that was like, but it's just OK. Why I like the good nights is I have friends that are on it. And I know that was like their childhood dream and their friends. And so to me, like watching people do their fantasy, I think it's disrespectful.

I think it's a loser move. But yes. it to be it, but also the God's country. And then to go get me to God's country on a private jet. Suck a fucking dick, you fucking loser. Shut up. Just sit on the stage, bring your friends on the stage, make a joke of it. Fucking don't walk off like you're better than this. And to the camera, you could have also side-staged. Yeah, exactly. It was such a fabricated move. I understand the sexual she just wants to get fucked by a guy that'll claim her as her boyfriend. Yeah. No. Huh?

But I don't want you fucking bad people out there. No, not a lot of good ones. For sure, but. Sometimes the good ones are right in front of your eyes. You are one of them. I don't know it. You don't need a chair though. Cheaty DMer. No, I'm not a cheaty DMer. Cheaty DMer. But he's also like, so I get it.

Seven years ago, I fucking DMed and I'll never hear the end of it. God. It's like having sex with a whore in the Korean War. It's like when you're at war, you behave out of line. It's kind of like it was during COVID makes up game rules. That's how I felt with that walk off. It's like, so you came, you did rehearsals, you hung out, you performed, you used their thing and then you left. It's like, it's just, I thought it was so fabricated and such a loser move. Cause if you think it's like this was so an anti God place, why are you even here doing

it for what? And you had such a curated experience in New York. It's not like you were like taking the subway and like all this shit you like were shepherded around everywhere, spoiled the entire time. And now you're like, I got to get back to God. What do you mean? Obviously something happened. Obviously there was like, well, I think people probably to God's country. What do you mean? Obviously something happened. Obviously there was like trans, black, there

was racist stuff. Obviously he saw stuff backstage that was like, that's a trans person, that's a queer person. And he went, this fucking sucks. What am I doing here? He performed and he went- John Rocker with the Atlanta Braves? No, he's like, wait, did you- What the fuck? Are you a survivor of people? Are any of you a survivor of people? No.

John Rocker was on a season of Survivor. Really? Yeah. Hilarious. Yeah, you should watch it. Dude. It was old Versa- or at the- Jim John- The guy- Heisman guy was on it. Whatever. He was on a season with one of my favorite survivor players ever, Natalie,

but John Rocker was on it. Hilarious. Yeah. Just such a- Yeah, he's a pure Republican. I don't want to go around- Exactly, but then why do this thing, but- Then why do it then? Yeah, for- Money! No, you don't get paid to do SN Exactly. But then why do this thing? But why do it then?

You have money. No, you don't get paid to do SNL. It's PR. And you have to pay for your own set. Like if you want to build a set and like do all that, you have to pay your own. He's a fucking loser chump. He got famous from doing The Voice. Not to fully brag, but the woman, Amanda Crizzoli, who did the set for my special, did Ariana

Grande for SNL. So cool girl. Cool girl. It's So, cool girl. Cool girl. It's like, dude, you don't like it? Smash the set. Like, fuck you. Yeah, smash the set.

Sinead O'Connor, like, that's actually punk rock and badass. RIP up a picture of the Pope. Ruin your career and life. What a fucking loser this guy is. So that's what I mean. Like, if we're talking like what's actually cool and shit, we leave. What? Oh, damn, We're at 75 minutes. Sinead was cool.

Sinead was the shit, dude. That's fucking punk rock. That was walking off to your private jet. You're fucking Mark Pussy Loser. That's all I'm saying about that. But I would fuck him. I get if he walked off to fuck you. That'd be hot.

Like, what if he like walked off and then just grabbed your ass and made out with you? That'd be fucking hot. Yeah, right. What if he walked off and right? Yeah, I like that. Like he got found not guilty. Yeah, she wants him guilty. She wants him guilty. Well just because he's been found not guilty doesn't mean he's guilty. He isn't guilty.

He was found not guilty. What do you do? No, no, I'm just random. I don't know. I'm not calling anyone a rapist. No, she wants to be hard. No, she doesn't. By him. By him. Consensually. Fantasy.

Well, there's an SVU episode where it was like a double catfish where someone was like sending texts to the guys, the girl and the guy, whatever, and asking the guy for a rape fantasy, but the girl didn't know. So he does rape the girl. But he didn't know he was raping the girl. Is that based on the real thing? Well, I'll tell you the real. So then, um, so then the case happens, but to be able to charge the

middle person, the guy has to plead guilty to rape to then make it seem like the middle person did something wrong, but he does the right thing and like pleads guilty. And then they get, they go for the person that was the in-between that set it up. The real case is crazy and involves the Denver Nuggets. And yeah, so there's like this, the monster, right? Was that his name? The Birdman. Birdman? Larry Bird? No, obviously not Larry Bird. I don't know who Birdman is. He's like a tall guy. He ended up winning a championship with the Miami Heat. Okay.

But on the nuggets, he's like this tall white basketball guy. Larry Bird. And he starts, so basically this like hot girl on his Facebook or something puts her phone number and was like, I want to talk to you. They start texting, he invites her out, she gets flown out. They have a great, he picks her up from the airport. They have a great time. They hook up.

She goes home. All of a sudden, the texts to both of them get, like, violent and, like, blackmaily, and then eventually her nudes are released, but she's actually underage and was lying about her age. So her mom gets pissed, calls the authorities, and so that means this NBA player published photos of an underage girl.

So they raid his place. He's a fucking pedophile. We need to get him. What they realize is it was a woman on a reservation two hours outside of Winnipeg who had to take care of her sick mom and had nothing going on was pretending to be both of them and was texting each other. And the girl's like, how would I know that I'd be I'm being catfished? I the guy picked me up like we hung out together. And so he got cleared on charges and whatever. But we got hung out together.

Like when the sexy young teen got flown out, oh, the basketball player picked her up. So like, how can you assume you're getting catfished or double catfished when like you write a person? Wow. And so it was actually this third party that pretended to be I'm on team Native American woman. And she did get in trouble. Now she's on house arrest. But did meet a husband playing video games. Now the young, sexy teen, she's like 26 now. She is dating Don McLean,

the writer, singer of Bime is American. Shut up. Yeah guy's still alive? But like, you know, years ago. That's crazy. Yeah. He left his wife and stuff and is with this like young 26 year old. Young, sexy, not teen. Yeah.

Wow. Crazy story, huh? That is crazy. That's wild. Yeah. Well, that's a good way to end it. Let's get your plugs because you got to run. Oh yeah.

Well, I have an SVU crime podcast that's messed up, an SVU podcast. And then my Netflix special Night Owl is out and I would love some views. Yes. Yeah. And I'm on season two of Survival of the Thickest. But what is that? It's Michelle Butoh's Netflix show. Oh, I'm like a kooky roommate. Oh, that's right. I remember. I have black hairstyles. We sat next to each other on a flight and you were going to read for that. I remember that.

No. Was I going to read for that. I remember that. No, I was going to read for it. No, some cause I was in season one, whatever. It doesn't matter, but those are my plugs and I'm glitter cheese on Instagram and I'm on the road all the time. Yes. I'm going to Seattle, Rochester, San Francisco, Philly, Philly. Yes. But where am I going off to? Yeah. I'm just out Philly. Yes. But where am I going? Austin, yeah, I'm just out and about. Yes, and my-

Go see her, she's so fucking good. Zach and Rory, you're their favorite comic. You're my friend's favorite comic. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he geeks out over you, over anyone else I've ever known, and it's really cute. Zach? You're the best, yeah.

That's the best, that's the most ideal person who you'd want. Yeah. He's like the coolest- He's really cute. You're the best. Yeah, that's the best. That's the most ideal person who you'd want. Yeah. He's like the coolest. He's the coolest. He's in the coolest band and he's so hot and he does martial arts. Well, yeah. And is like he's incredible. Wow. And very cool. He helped me move a giant piece of furniture. So have you guys fully integrated your friend groups and friends in life or no? No, he can't go near my friends. But you do know each other. No, I don't like her.

Or no. He tries to fuck my friends. No, I don't. One time Brianna came up and I was like, hey, how are you? I'm friends. But you do know each other. No, I don't like her. Or no. Huh? He tries to fuck my friends. No. No, I don't. One time Brianna came up and I was like, hey, how are you? I'm Ian, are you single? And she'll never let me live it down.

It was a joke. It's my best friend since sixth grade. It was a joke. He cannot. A joke. A joke. A joke. Icebreaker, ha ha.

I'm friends with some of his friends, but some of them are scary. Who? Of my friends. I'm friends with some of his friends, but some of them are scary. Who? Of my friends. I'm friends with your friends. With Justin and Zach. I'm friends with fucking Taylor and, That's true.

You know, one of your other friends that has a noun, has a name. And, well, Michaela hates me. We made up. Did you? Yeah. Good. Who else are my friends other than your friends? Do you guys hang out outside the pod?

No. We try. I don't hang out with comics outside of comedy. You barely say hi in comedy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm having a bad time most of the time. Yeah, you're just walking.

She promised me a couples massage for my birthday on a Wednesday in Chinatown. It is April. When are you having a great time? Just with your dog? With my non-comic friends. for my birthday on a Wednesday in Chinatown. It is April. Birthdays in December. When are you having a great time? Just with your dog? With my non-comic friends. Oh, okay. Yeah.

In comedy, it's, well, no, that's not true. I hang out with my opener. I hang out with Jake. I hang out with, it's just in comedy, when I'm at the cellar, it feels like I'm very overstimulated by the social aspect and then also by the shows. And I'm so in my head about shows that then people are like, how are you? And then I'm like, and then I end up being an asshole.

So I just end up hiding in the balcony and dealing with my shit and then going on stage and then afterwards I'm hanging. But between, I'm always like, I'm always just beating myself up for whatever the last set I had was. So then people like, hi. And I'm like, completely checked out. We go to movies sometimes. We hang out. We hang out. Beautiful. I just don't hang out with very many.

I do shows, I go to dog, I go to park, I go to, you know what I mean? I'm very enrichment Jordan right now. I'm very box, park, walk, dinner, don't fuck around. Although I did have a game night in Prompto the other night. What game? Egyptian Rat Screw.

It was an accident, I did not plan it. That's my favorite card game. I love that game. I've never heard of it. That and war. Egyptian rat screw is my favorite card game. You almost had me and then you said war and we just can't. I like war. How, okay, we need to let her go. I like to play this Russian game called durak, which means idiot. I've heard of these. Really? Yeah, and if you lose, you're a fucking idiot. You ever play Shanghai?

No, and I know Holdem, but those are the only, and Spoons. I wanna get a game, like a bridge game together. Like I wanna be an old lady that plays cards with my friends. Well, I was playing dominoes and I was being in Saifah was inviting me and then stopped inviting me because I did win by dozens of points. I love dominoes. I went to a backgammon night once. I've been trying. Yeah, I like backgammon. I will bring my little suitcase to the cellar. We could actually sit in silence and play. I would like that. We don't have to talk. It's cute little board. I would do that. Okay. And I would like a poker night.

I would love a lot of poker. You can't. Why? You have a gambling thing. He goes crazy. He'll be like, I'll give you my mother. She would love that. He goes crazy.

I love poker. We used to hustle people with poker in high school. It was awesome. At parties, it's the best. IanFidance.com. I'm on the road. I'll see you there. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. She'll see you there. Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. We'll see you there and't matter what you say anymore.