Bein' Ian With Jordan - Gweilo W/Des Bishop | Bein' Ian with Jordan #212

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

Comedian Des Bishop stops by the Den to talk about his time as a comedian in China, his brand new special Bridge & Tunnel on Hulu, and share one of his favorite moments on a past episode of the pod involving Jeremiah Watkins and Jordan. SUB TO OUR PUNCHUP FOR EXCLUSIVES! All of our dates AND bonus episodes are now available in one convenient place, all for the same price as the Patreon! Visit punchup.live/beinianwithjordan Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - Connect with quality therapists & mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/ian #rulapod #ad - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code SKA @ http://BlueChew.com/ Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Des! https://instagram.com/desbishop Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Wayfair, every style, every home. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding back, so through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, coffee ice, no matter what. you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride

when you're being in being in life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live alive being in being in with Jordan

they gave me a probation period and then I had to prove myself by dressing a win over the Asians presence effect. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. everybody. Mike? Did I take the wrong one?

No, I'm just looking for my little ass dog. Oh. Sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah. She crawled under here. Okay. Our guest today is the esteemed, hilarious Irish Chinese Des Bishop. Irish Chinese.

Never. Guilo. Gwilo. Gwilo. Guilo. Guilo. Guilo. It's Cantonese.

Guilo. Yes. I don't know if it's Guilo or Guilo. I shouldn't. I didn't mean that to be a correction because I don't speak Cantonese. What's the relationship between China and Ireland and you? Oh my God. That's like a full podcast.

Really? His parents fucked it. That's my whole origin story. His parents fucked at LaGuardia. How long were you in? Took me forever to get it out. Can I have some space? So I went to Ireland when I was 14.

Okay. I'm from Queens. Yeah. Raised in Queens. I know that. But I went to boarding school in Ireland. Okay. So my family were still here.

How long? Like as in, look, no, I lived in Ireland from then until the pandemic. Why is it when you say Ireland? That's the only time I hear your Irish accent. You go, yeah, I fucking move to Ireland. Because I say Ireland properly. That's why. I don't think about it.

Polk, man, kiss my ass and get in Gaelga, but nobody actually says. It's like Toronto. Oh, if you say it correct, if you say Toronto. Toronto.

Yeah, no, if you say it with three syllables, you're fucked. Toronto. Oh, really? I definitely don't say that. Toronto.

Toronto. Toronto. But where are you from? R-A-N-N-O. Toronto. Oh. Yeah. Toronto.

Look, Toronto. Toronto. Toronto. Like T-R-O-N-O. Toronto. Yeah. But I didn't know that. I'm learning that myself.

You're gasoline. I'm a Canadian comic. I've been in Canada for so long. I'm a Canadian comic. Where are you from? I am everybody. Montreal. I've toured candidates.

I'm putting together a Canadian tour and I'm going from the West Coast to the East Coast. But you didn't do comedy there. You're a Canadian person. I did Edmondton. But are you from? Jordan. So am I. I'm doing Montreal.

August 20. First to 23rd. Wait, then how long were you in China? So, China thing, was a television project. Oh, right. But I ended up staying there for two years, but the television project was for one year. Okay.

That was, that's like a big jump from when I went to Ireland. But that was because I had established a television career of making documentaries about, like, immersing myself in situations. Oh. And one of them. The Anthony Bourdain of the comedy world. Well, I mean. Of China.

It was very Irish, though. Most of what I had done up until the China project was very Irish-focused. The China project sounds bad. That sounds... Hebe-Geebies, you're giving me. The TV station that I was working for an island was the public broadcaster. But it was the main channel. So the thing is like, if you think about PBS here, like imagine PBS, but PBS was like the main channel.

That's kind of what Irish television career was like. Because it's just a bit more European and it's kind of... the way that things function. So all my projects had, all my television things, they had a little bit of a social aspect because that's part of like the public broadcasting remit. Is that two NPR for you now?

Have we started, sorry. I would like you to repeat because my head went somewhere else. And I was totally thinking about something else. What were you thinking about? I was just flashing through like a million different things that I have to. I was thinking about how the pandemic hit and would that make you, Did that have you come back to the States? Yeah.

If there hadn't been a pandemic, would you live in Ireland still? If there hadn't been a pandemic, not only would I be living in Ireland still, I don't think I'd be married. Like the pandemic had a seismic. It ruined your life. I wouldn't, I would disagree. In public. Why do you?

No, no, no. Is it bad? I keep saying Guilo. Well, it means white ghost, but it's like a Cantonese, you know, like in Mandarin, they don't say, you know, like, I watched Balls of Fury last night. Do you remember that movie with Christopher Walken? And he's, this ping pong guy has to learn how to play ping pong again. He was like a kid champion.

It's a goofy movie. It was written by Thomas Lennon from Reno 911. It's so funny. So they were calling him a Guilio. They were calling him Guiloh. You know the waiter from the Seinfeld episode? Seinfeld, Table 4? That guy, that guy plays the master.

And he calls this guy Guilo. So now that's been my autism. Yeah, except Guilio is quite negative. because it means like white devil really. It translates directly as white ghost, but it's kind of like a negative. Don't forget that Cantonese, Hong Kong's language, the English colonized there.

So there's a very hostile relationship between the whites and the locals. But in Beijing where I was living, the Guiloh thing is not a thing. Now could you be Guiloh and then you gain their trust and respect and become a new phrase? I mean, in whatever scripted drama you're running in your head. Yeah, but like,

I was friendly with them straight away. That's awesome. Yeah. So the Guilo thing, actually people bring that up a lot over here, but I think that's because the initial immigrants in the United States were also from that region where they speak Cantonese. Des, you have too much thigh. Sorry. Whoa.

It's okay. I just wanted to save you from the comments. Oh, I don't give a fuck. Oh, okay. I'm more worried. Oh, Jordan, can you handle it? Well, I barely can. Dude, you?

So Jordan, when I tore my ACL, when I tore my ACL, I couldn't even talk about it in front her. And I couldn't even go on stage after him because he was, I made a joke about it. And she was like, she was all uncomfortable because I had spoken about this horrible injury. And the injuries, look, she, it's harder for her to hear about it. I'm trying to tell her about my stent. And she's like, eh, eh, eh. Yeah, she can't handle it, bro. It's very funny. What, how did you share? How did you share it? We're not going to talk. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

No, make it. Do they do lyroscopic? Do they do lay aristroscopic? Arthur Scropic. Arthur Scropic? Do it. Oh, God. So anyway, yeah, I know you. I know you. I know you struggle with that. But I wasn't showing extra thighs. You know what it was? It's a beautiful summer's day. And I just didn't change for the pod. That's fine.

Because I feel like it's a casual. So hot out. It's a casual atmosphere. If you had worn your suit, it would have been a night. You would have been sweat and bones. I mean, I would have never. But anyway, I'm disappointed you didn't wear your suit. And I knew you were coming.

So I planned. I have a suit for you. It's upstairs. Shout out. Kublai Khan. I got this shirt for Ian. Thank you for giving me all to merch. Yeah, thanks.

Kubla Khan. That's a brand. It's a band. It's a band. Cooliconti X. And shout out my shirt. The Phillies, 1993, National League champion shirt.

I do want it. I've had it since 1993. It's one of my favorite shirts. You stole it and now you use it. Oh, you took his, you took like a, I slept over shirt. Yeah.

I didn't sleep over. No, I know, but like that kind of vibe. Yeah. You can't just you want. Keep it. Sleep over. No, no. Please.

I slept over. Okay. So you know the way that you get, uncomfortable when we talk about my injury. Can I tell you one of the things that made me so incredibly uncomfortable when I saw it? What? Was the the spitting in the mouth moment you guys had about two years ago? I struggled with that when I saw that.

And sometimes I think about it. I did not expect it to go that way. Like I thought, I was like, here's what my brain was. I was like spitting in the mouth is something people do during sex. Jeremiah. Yeah, but that's like, I feel like that's like one of these like new things. No, here's the deal. If you spit in somebody's.

mouth during sex, it's like this. And you shoot it. No, there's no, it's just, there's no, that's what I mean. That's what I mean. It's like, but I didn't fit. And I was like, Jeremiah is so clean. I can, I can handle a little spit from him. I didn't know he was going to froth it.

And then hang it. I know. It looked like a water balloon getting filled up. It was disgusting. And I really struggled with it. It was so cold. And then she's spit in my mouth. and thank you for not making it the big ball thing that it was.

You just did regular spit. His was so frothy. Oh my God. Sorry to pick it off. It was like a scoop off the top of it. It looked like an ice cream scoop. I found that hard to watch all that. Well,

I'll tell you. The second it hit my mouth. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She spit in my mouth, and then that clip got picked up and spread like wildfire, and it ended up in World Star Hip-Hip. Really, I think. I think that was a really coming out moment.

And mind meld. Yes. Mind meld and spitting in the mouth. And the spitting in the mouth. And the rat sitting on the toilet. Yes. Not doing it. The spitting in the mouth thing got picked up by World Star Hipop.

And everybody was commenting the black version of Guiloh. Because they were like, white devils be drinking each other's spit. Them hedonistic white jackals spitting each other's mouth. It's demon time. Demon time. Yeah. Yeah. So that, that, the way.

Do you want to do it again? No, I don't. It wasn't good for me. No, but I was thinking about it today because I was coming here and I was like, oh, that made me uncomfortable. I hope nothing like this is going on today. I was afraid, I think, of that. We won't do it. We won't do it.

Can we do some of our other little tricks and treats? I mean, ideally not physical. Is that a spider? Spider is fine by me. Behind you. Is it where? Welcome to the show, bitch. It's funny because I'm not afraid of spiders, but it did startle me with the, is that a, is that, is that, is it?

Is that a stun gun? Taser, yeah. A taser. Yeah. Why do you have that? Just to see people get scared. Oh, yeah, I definitely got a startle there. But I don't mind a startle.

I love a safe one. I don't like one that's like in bad taste. You know what's crazy? My parents went and saw Silence of the Lambs in theaters when it came out. And my mom went to the bathroom. My dad was like, all right, I'll go start the car. And he hid underneath the car and grabbed her ankles and she came up to the door. Wow.

That's a good prank. Dude, my dad made us watch the ring, and then he went on, he went from his cell phone, we were at a lake house, and called the landline and whispered seven days into the phone. And me and my sister were just traumatized for life. It was such a good bit. That's like, so afterwards were you annoyed at him? Or were you like, that was awesome. Later in life, I was like, yeah, that was incredible.

Yeah. But I loved growing up, I scared my friend's siblings until they would barf. Like we were just, we were obsessed with it, jumping out, scaring him. We told our friend's sister. that there was a guy named Henry that lived in the basement. And so we brought her downstairs. We're like, Henry's downstairs. He wants to meet you.

And she's like, no, no, no. And my buddy was hiding behind the basement doors and he put his fingers underneath the door. It was like, I'm hungry. And she just lost it. It's so scary, but it's so fun. I know, but I liked a good scare. I liked horror.

Do you watch scare videos? I recommend. I didn't know that. They'll come up now that you've mentioned it. But I wasn't that familiar with them. They're really, really good. What are you, videos?

Like spouses jumping out and scaring there. No, no, no. That seems like hell. If you're an influencer couple and your whole online presence is like, I jump out of the closet and I hit you with a water balloon. And then you'll live your life doing that every day. Little jumps.

Nightmare. I love a little jump. Every now and then, but I don't like it all the time. Dude, those couples, that that's how they get money. They're like influencers. and they scare each other.

And then, oh, I threw whipped cream on you. Ha, ha, ha. And then that's their life. Could you imagine just a monkey's paw of wishing to go viral and then you have to keep up ruining each other's day? But even the jackass, like the jackass guys, like that used to make me tired just thinking like, you got to be like on with that shit all the time. Well, and I would just hate, I don't want to be in a people fuck with me circle like on the regular.

The best thing about jackass is you would see the sadness. Like when they would bring a. snake into bam, you would just see him be like, please, you got like the desperation of like, just don't do this. This is what I mean. That's why I was so addicting. It's the best show of all time. But actually, before we move on, because you mentioned the legs.

Yeah. So I'm a leg crosser. And recently I've discovered that there's a lot of negativity towards men crossing their legs. Because I think, I think that's going to be, I think that's going to be the comment rather than the short, short. I can't cross them. I can't cross them now because of my, because of your situation. Situation.

That we can't talk about. The right way from men to cross their legs is like this. No, no, no, no, no. I do that. I do this. Yeah, but why? It's just correct. But it's just the thing.

The reason is because if you have big enough balls, it should hurt to do this. Yeah, but that's bullshit. I understand it's bullshit that your balls are kind of under you right now. Yes. But my dad said real men cross their legs like this. I know because it goes back a generationally. Opposite hand? Women smoke cigarettes with this hand.

Yeah, like that and the men are men like that. Yeah. My dad was all about that. Yeah. That's interesting. Because like, Well, first of all, your dad probably had better hip mobility.

Because my issue was, he didn't look like that when he did it. Yeah, it hurts the hip when you try to cross it like that. Lean back. Lean back like that. No, no,

I know. I can sit like this, but it's not as comfortable as this. That is more of an intellectual, I can't do it. That is more of an intellectual way of sitting. And the other way is more of a, I'm a guy and I don't cross my legs like that way of sitting,

I think. Sometimes I think I'm gay and then I see a guy sitting like this and I'm straight again. This is the hot of, thing a man could do. Really? Yeah. What? You sit like this?

Like this? Yeah. But that's just like, are you feeling anything? No. Because they're like preoccupied. You're in so much pain that it's kind of just like, but here's the thing.

But doesn't your maternal. That's good. No, but the only time I end up sitting like this is if after a while my back's got tired and then I sit like this to stretch my back. See, I shift to that when I really want to actually, the thing about it is when I want to. That's good.

That's good. That's true. Does my hurting release some maternal instinct. Not at all. Okay. I'm so sorry. There's no wanting to mend. Because of the putteen. Because of the pudding.

That has nothing to do with it. You eat like shit. No, no. I, I don't think the kidney stones is not diet related. Is it sure? I'm pretty sure it's not. I got gout. Gout is diet and lifestyle related.

But I went to the doctor. I gave them. I gave them everything I was eating. I changed my diet. I was eating healthy. Yes, I had putteen at night, but that's not why. I got fucking kidney stones. When you get gout, you have more of a chance of getting kidney stones.

And I wasn't drinking enough water. So now I carry this jug around with me. But have you passed? Have you gotten it through you yet? I had to go get surgery on Friday. I had to get a procedure done. They put me under. They took a camera.

It went all the way up my pee hole into my bladder, my uter, my kidney. And now I have a stent my uter and I go tomorrow for them to pull it out. And I am scared. But I was peeing blood. nonstop, I'm still peeing blood and it hurts. You want to know the truth? I've peed blood. I peed blood when I was younger.

Yeah, I've done that. And sometimes I just peeed brown because I'm drinking a foreigner. But my relationship to you is so akin to my dad because of the cigarette smoke and the body shape and the way that you are and the way that he is very similar. So when my dad was 43, he had a heart attack and he hit a fence on his way down, fucked up his face. And I went in sobbing, right? And I was like, yeah, yeah. And he was like, it has nothing to do with the cigarettes or the dog. And then he died at 58 from another heart attack.

So my, when you go through these ailments and you're like, it is nothing, my brain just shuts down and is like, fuck you. I'm not, you know what I mean? Because I can't let myself get worried about it. Right. That should give up smoking. That you got to give up. Dr. Des.

No, but this is, now, it's just crazy. Go back to China. Now, I, that, I think that that is terrible because you're letting your past dictate how you treat someone that's important. in your life. It's a mental lock. I know, but then I suffer because I'm going through actual physical things and you go, well, you deserve it. I don't care what the fuck happens.

Did you say you deserve it? Did you say that? She just did by going, it's the putines fault. If you quit smoking, I will be different. There's two things going on here. One half of it is absolute fact. What? You smoke too much and you got to work on your diet. I changed my diet.

When I was in Australia or when I was in Canada, when I was in Montreal, I, when I was in Montreal, I. How long ago? Yes. had putteen at night. Every night. And a corn dog. Like recently.

Yeah, like a couple weeks ago. Yeah, but you have gout. And then when I was in J. F.L., I got kidney so. You say to me, like, you changed your diet, like as if it was four years ago, but you've just unlucky. I did change my diet and I brought my factor meals and I got a microwave in my room and I was eating the factory.

Did you do the factor meals because you got a fucking sponsorship for the podcast? Because it's helping me. No, not the podcast. It's a travel show. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Firedance. Hey, how are you?

And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got to rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there.

How long you've been working here? Eat and do 50 off factor meals.com. Now, I'll tell you this. I changed my diet and I was eating the factor meals at night and I said, okay, I can cheat. I'll do a putteen and a pogo, which is a corn dog. And then each day ain't healthy and I go, well, I can have a little cheat thing at night.

And then, yes, I did end up getting kidney stones. I find out tomorrow why I got them because they're going to examine the stone. Let's make a bet. I guarantee it has nothing to do with my diet and everything to do with the fact that I wasn't drinking water. and you need to disassociate and divorce yourself from viewing me as your father so that you can view me as your friend and care and not stonewall me with emotion. She cares clearly. No, every time I've gotten injured.

Yeah, but that's her way of interacting. We all know that. Yeah. She gave me this shirt. Nice of you. Thanks. And she goes, here, this is the thing I got you. Yeah.

That's, that's her shit. Yeah. You should know that that's her way of reaching out. But I literally said that I would marry you if you quit smoking. I literally sacrificed that. Is that really true? I would, if you quit. Well, you should quit.

Is it quit for forever? None ever. No, one day at a time. Like the other stuff you get up. What is not in? You're literally. I was in two and the stress. The stress.

Go back to Ireland. I've had. I was saying, you're going to die. I was in two packs, two and a half packs a day. I'm now down to a pack and a half. I've come. my cigarettes down by one pack a day. I'm taking my health seriously.

I'm eating, go on my fridge. It's all fucking green cake. Can we take your blood pressure right now? There's cake in the fridge. I deserve to dessert the other day. No, deserve it. Can we do your blood pressure right now? My blood pressure is fantastic.

I've been in and out of the hot. I want it right now. I want it right now. Feel me. Feel me. Feel my neck. Oh, thank you. What if I cut back

to a half a pack of day? No. Will you love me? You have hardened arteries. You would really marry me if I quit smoking. Completely. Forever marriage. Legally.

Would we get to cuddle? No. What about children? So what's the point? What about children? I can't. If we get married, can we play? Show me on your body where your medical problems are.

You won't have them. You'll be healed. It's hard. It's just you sound exactly like my dad. your voices like my dad, you laugh and then you start coughing like him. And he was your age and he had the same thing. Like, I'm a Marlboro, man. So don't you think that I am like a reincarnation of your father and I'm 41?

And I'm in your life. Don't you think that I embody your dad's spirit and I'm in your life for that reason so that you should accept and love it and give it care rather than push it away, anger. You deserve everything. Because that's how you feel towards your father that died, but your father that's still alive is here. love him be nice to him but she that's the way she loves yeah why lo i wish people i wish people know you know it's a it's a it's a kind of a distance thing

i know but what about the one that gets love that way it doesn't feel good i know you love yeah but if you give up smoking the love that you desire will come your way but is that marriage worth it if it's loveless every single woman that my dad was in love with sexless like i'll stay with you if you quit smoking and he couldn't do it so what would our marriage be like What's the point if we're not even going to be a married couple? I don't know. It's just my only bartering chip. I'll give you money.

Money help? Yeah. I'll give you $2,000. We'll both commit. We'll both commit right now to $2,000. If you can do one full month of no cigarettes. If we got married, you don't have to touch me. But could we at night and in the morning sit on a porch in a rocking chair and drink coffee together

and act like we love each other? Yes. and just hold hands. Yeah. Really? Because that's kind of all I want in marriage. It's a friendship. Did you not get that DM?

I sent you. There's a farmhouse for sale upstate that we could turn into a bed and breakfast. I own a house of state. Yeah, but this is a farmhouse. I have a farmhouse. Eight bedrooms. Wow. Turn it into a bed and breakfast.

Do you want in? How much is it? Okay, Bob Newhart. 560. That's not bad. I already emailed them. Where is it? What location?

It's four hours upstate. Jefferson, New York. Jefferson. Trash. Jefferson. Give you a marriage six months. What would you do. state with no distractions.

Okay. Okay. No distractions. I will quit smoking. We're really good at playing games, though. You have to remember that. Okay. Dude, imagine our life.

We're playing car games at night. Boggle won't get you through this. Separate beds. I sleep in one bed. You sleep in the other and we hold hands in the middle. You kick me out of the room because of my snoring, which I refuse to get taken care of. And then once I sleep alone in the storage closet, I decide to get it taken care of. More dogs than cats?

but there are cats. Yeah. At least how many? Two. Two and two? And how many dogs? Five. Wow.

Three cats, five dogs. We buy the bed and breakfast. Well, you got to give up smoking first. Yeah. I will stop smoking if you marry me and we buy a bed and breakfast upstate and everyone calls me Mrs. Ian. But the smoking has to. come first.

Yeah. Shut up. No, I'm just, you gotta be clear on the deal. Farm sanctuary also at the Airbnb. That would be incredible. People will run a shelter. People will come to the bed and breakfast to meet the animals.

That's like my dream alternative life. That's not alternative. That's what, what's his face does? John Stewart. Oh, John Stewart does that? He's a whole farm sanctuary.

Oh. It's the best life of all time. Come for the bed and breakfast. But I don't want a farm sanctuary. I just want dogs. Me too. So I don't really want a, I want like,

I want to run a shelter. To be honest, I want to run an alpaca. adjunct to an active shelter so I can actually help them when they're like full. I want an alpaca and like llamas and really small midget donkeys. Yeah, see that's Pablo Escobar ship, bro. What? Yeah.

It's like, that's like, that's like I want like I want to help practical. You want to have. No, they'll be fucked up donkeys. They'll need homes. Yeah, it'll be like missing half a face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll be fucked up for sure. Yeah, we'll take care of them.

Like a Brooklyn donkey, like three legs. Yeah. Yeah. A donkey? Yeah. Our house will be the house where all the other donkeys got kicked out of and we're the final one to save it before it gets turned into the donkey glue. I lived in a house with donkeys for a while in Ireland.

We got it. You're married. No. Like, like, like, um. No, they were living free. Like free, you know, they were. How was it? Well, donkeys are actually more like a pet than you would think, actually.

Like donkeys, you can hang with them. What's the Irish movie that came out? Irishmen. The imbrews people, but not them. You're just putting me on the. The Inishman. Yeah, yeah. Banshees of Intershire.

Banshees of Inneshire. Like that where he has a donkey and he goes, don't make me put my donkey outside when I'm sad. I can show you a picture on the internet. While we chat, I'll try to find it. I love, because I was like resting on the donkey. And you would love to ride a horse. Dude, I love riding horses. Remember Taser?

I galloped him. Now, I'll tell you this. If we could get the cat to ride the donkey, that would be incredible. No problem. Donkeys love cats. Oh, my God. Glenn, do you want to ride a donkey? Oh, he's asleep.

I had a mule growing up. named Sunshine and a horse named Rosie. I dated a girl I had a goat named Rainbow. I had a goat named Perry and he jumped on cars a lot. So a homeless guy named Perry I go out to dinner with sometimes. That's weird. It helps me out. You guys chat away there.

I can't fight because I have no, I have no Wi-Fi. And what's your dream life? What do you got going on right now? You have a house. What's my dream life? Yeah, dream life. Well, I mean, to be able to cross your legs and not be judged? Yeah, to live a life where I could sit down and pee.

What is your opinion on? peeing sitting down for men. I, for men. Because there's a lot of this. If I walk in on it, it's over. The red pill dudes are very against peeing sitting down.

Peeing sitting down in the middle of the night because you're so groggy and tired. But I, dude, I've been peeing blood and this thing has been hurting like a motherfucker. And I'm still peeing standing up because I need to, because I need to lean against the wall and go, uh,

right. So why do you think? Where does this come from this thing? Because like... Girls sit peeing down. Boys don't. Yeah. We just...

Are you a boy or a girl? Are you a boy or a girl? So what happens when you're taking a shit and you piss? You stand up to piss and then you sit down to shit. And you go like this. This is me in every Brooklyn coffee shop. Are you a boy or girl? You're a boy or a girl?

Do you sit down to pee or do you stand up to pee? I think it's a life act. And hurry out with my coffee river. When you become comfortable enough with your masculinity, they realize you can fucking sit down a pee. I think it's nice to sit down and pee. I think it's nice to sit down and pee. The benefit of that.

It's comfortable, bro. I'm just fucking chilling, sitting down. Get a scroll on. There's something that feels so good about leaning up against a wall and breaking the seal. Right. Gravity. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, that for me feels real good. Do whatever you're going to do in the bathroom. But if I walk in on you peeing sitting down, it's over. Yeah, but you can just lie and say you're taking a shit. You've got a lie. Yeah. 100%. But why, you know, why, Jordan, this is my question.

Here, here, let's, let's play a game, ready? Improv game. Can't help it. Ready? You're sitting down peeing and I'm Jordan going, getting in the bathroom. Ready? Okay. Door knob turning.

Creek. Des. What, I'm scrolling my phone, taking a shit. You're not shitting. I can hear piss coming out of your penis. Because that always comes first.

Everybody knows that. Only on women. Guys can pee without pooping. No, but I'm pooping. So the pee comes first. Oh, okay.

I want to hear the poop. I'm not comfortable. What? I want to hear the poop. Okay. Well, to make it. That is what I would do.

Let me hear the poop. And then we're good. I want to hear it before I smell it. Okay, so here's my question. What's more off-putting in terms of like you're a couple living together? Yeah. What's more off-putting? Like hearing them pee, like hear the pee going in, hearing the amplified farting sound

into like an empty toilet or the plop, which is the worst? Okay. I hear the pee doing what? You just hear it going in. Like, and you're in the other room. He's fine. Are you peeing blood and screaming? Oh, we just stop making this about you?

This is just a generic bit of improv here. Okay. The peeing is fine if it's got a good stream. Explosive farting, I would, like, what's the biggest turnoff? It would be. I think it's the plop, no? The plop can be pretty, that's a dude thing to do. The problem with the plop is I know the water's flashing up.

Yes. I know the water's splashing up. I like playing guess the fart with your partner. When you go guess the fart. What does that mean? And then you go guess the fart. And then I would go, and then you'd go purr,

and we'd be like, not off by an octave. Dude, my ex. Do you actually fart? Yeah, yeah. So you guessed beforehand.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, my ex would fucking nail it. I go guess a fart and she'd go, she'd go like a brunt. And then I go, but maybe you're good at meeting her. Maybe you're good at mimicking fart,

mimicking. making the farts like she said. Yes. Oh, like my ass is good at, you were doing it deliberately. Ventriloquism. No,

but you can, you can control. The turnoff is the plop. No, I don't want to see you shit. I'm going to tell you. I know you're going to ship, but I don't want to see you shit.

Farts are fine. Pits is fine. Here's the turn off. When it plops and you get insecure and go, that's the turn off. Right. What's the turn on is if it plops and you go, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you hear me plop? Oh, yeah. Babe. Yeah. But if you go, plop and you go man down man down yeah yeah when you go oh is that japan's evading bro arbor the reason

why i was thinking about that is when my mother was dying not to bring down the mood but you've been bringing up all serious uh i i some i would stay with in her apartment a lot but it was you know she sised down after my dad died small apartment and in the morning when she would wake up she would go into the bathroom like i would hear the sound of the fart sound the fart just the fart and i struggled i struggled with that you know what it was i just had this feeling of like how did i and this is such a weird situation. Well, I think that's different hearing your mom fart than hearing your partner fart. Yeah, especially the toilet amplify. It's a very specific far. Oh, it's like a tuba. Yeah. It's like, well, old woman fart is also really intense. Yeah. When my mom farts, it's like it has

no consonants in it. It's all vowel. It's like, when my mom farts, it sounds like Ace Ventura when he's screaming with the door that's soundproof. And it's just like, it's loose. Yeah. It's loose. Yes. What about hearing your wife fart? Fine? Oh, yeah. We're a fart positive couple.

That's good. You got to be fart positive. You got to be fart positive. I'm sassy and gassy. So I have to fart early in a relationship, be like, this is who I am. They're not going to smell. It's just going to make noises. I got a lot of stuff going on.

But if, no. If you're in a hot street, you know, when you're in like a hot streak where they're coming out hot and then it pisses me. You know, because then it's like, yo, this is. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking me up. You gotta go outside.

Yeah, they can. And you need to shit. You gotta go shit. Just go shit. Yeah. One time I had a girl sleep over and she kept farting in her sleep and she didn't know it and it kind of gave me the ick. Hey, everybody.

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therapy that's actually covered by insurance. Visit rula.com slash Ian to get started. That's rula. dot com slash ian. You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. Thanks guys. So she farted in her sleep?

Yeah, so I've heard, I've heard sleep farts of people I'm in bed with. And like, I actually think it's kind of funny. It's so funny. It gave me the ick. Are you allowed? A man allowed to get the ick?

He doesn't like period blood sex either. I don't like periods. One of my, one of my highest ranking routines. How do you, I can't get over the smell. So here's, this is,

we're not going to get political, but the double standard of comedy, right? One of my, like, highest, like, viewed routines,

my period sex routine, uh, not one person in the comments was like, oh, you're fucking going on about periods. And if a woman who has them once a month had the audacity to do a joke about period, the fucking comments would light up.

Yeah. I was a feminist, This hero for doing my fucking period sex. So you don't like period sex? I don't. Why? I don't like the smell of blood. And I...

We don't like the smell of your whole body. No, but honestly, like, I get that you don't like the smell of blood. But like when you're having period sex, obviously you're going to take some precautions to make it as little mess as possible. When, when they're on their period, I say, be gone when. I have no use for you. Come back in five days. You don't want to the... No, no.

When they have their period, I go, I'll massage your feet. I'll massage you. I'll massage you. I'll call to you. I'll love you. I'll bring your chocolate. I'll bring your food,

whatever you want. But the sex, I just don't... I just feel like... Would you, would you make them come with your finger? Ew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'll do it. So why not the other thing? What about shower? Shower? We could do... I can't stay hard standing up. Oh, but you can be standing up. You can't stay hard standing up.

No, I lose it. Interesting. I lose it. Because of the cigarettes. Not everything. So the security guy, the security guy from the cellar years ago. Because I used to do, that used to be like my clothes or my period sex routine when I was at the cellar. Should I try period sex?

And he goes, I told my wife years ago, that's blowjob week. So hilarious. That's fucked up. We have to bleed and suck your cock. Fuck you. Are you crazy? I didn't say it? Well, find that guy.

I've never had a problem. with period sex? I'll do it on the tail end if there's a little bit. Sometimes I've had sex and it started their period. That's fine. But when it's in like the heat of it, I'm just like, I mean, it's not ideal,

but no woman is all about the heat of it time either. Yeah, yeah. But it's just sometimes like, okay, so have you, have you had a situation where you're on a date and it escalated more than you thought, but it's super hot and you just like, you tell them and it's just like,

all right, we're going to deal with this. That's great. But I know every, I'm aware. of the follicular, the menstrual, the ovulation, the ludial. I understand, and I'll never know, but I understand. I try to accommodate, but during the actual sex of it,

I just, like, I don't know, I just, the smell of blood does something to me. And I know where it comes from. My childhood. Blood in any of these period sex encounters I've had. So, I don't know what, like, how you're getting so much smell. I have a good sense of smell. That's not true. I smell like shit all the time.

I just don't get you. What was the childhood thing that you had with sex? No, not sex, but just with periods. I was like an only child, and it was just me and my mom, and the dog would find her pads and stuff, and then I'd have to clean it all up, and it just kind of weirded me out with it, you know? Yeah.

That's all. No excuse. I appreciate you. I love you. I'll treat you like a queen. I'll lay your feet and let you say whatever you want. I'll listen, I'll listen, I'll listen, I'll love you. My line is I will never eat a man's ass.

We ain't getting married. I won't do it. I'll peg. I'll do all that. I'm not sticking my tongue in that disgusting zone. What if you stick it up? You like what? I like having my butthole licked.

But it's never a deal wrinker, though. Like, it's not like I expect it. Oh, God. You guys are so hairy and fart. You're hairy. I don't really have a hairy butt. Really? Okay, so let me ask you this.

And I didn't realize it was going to. going to be so dirty this part, but that's okay, because it's not really dirty, is it? It's just what we do is human, you know? We're human. Just like your judgments about sitting and peeing and crossing your legs, all these things are human concoctions. In actual fact, it's not dirty. But has a man ever tried to lick your butt hole and you've been like, no, I'm not into

that? Yeah. You've not into it. Yeah. Okay. Really? Yeah. What if you need to be held down and showing that you're into it?

Oh, my God. That sounds like a salt to me. Oh, God, it's so tickly. Tickly. Yeah, it's so squirmy. Right, yeah. But that's totally, all that stuff. I think it would make me faint.

What people are into? I'm not even like, like, like, like would you draw a line in the sand in front of a chicken? It just faints. Someone licks your butt. You're like, do they do that? Why do they? Yeah, you can make a chicken faint. What, by looking their ass?

No. You'll hold its head down and you draw a line in front of it. And something makes the chicken just faint and pass. Awesome. Wow. How did you learn that? Instagram. I used to be a chicken farmer and a past life.

Anyway, all that. I'm surprised, though. I'm surprised. You seem like a very sexually adventurous guy just from watching the bits over the years. I am. I'm shocked by that. I will do it. I have done it.

But it's not a thing of like, I'm like, I can't wait. You know, it's like getting called to war. I'll do it, but I'm going to be reluctant. And then when I get there, I'm going to tear up my draft card and shoot myself in the foot so I can leave. What amount of sex per week is good for a relationship go? Oh, that's... Are you living together?

Are you living apart? It's very subjective. It is. And it's week to week. Yeah. And it's like, depends on if you got a period. And I'm very content with my sex life, myself and my wife, we're content. And, you know, we're also in the maybe wanting to have kids game.

But anyway, I think a lot of... people lie about how much sex they have. Really? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I think. Yeah, right.

I do it every day. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I think if they're doing it a lot, it's a forced thing to keep up a numbers game. Yeah. And I think, listen, if you're together a long time and you're having sex all the time, more power to you. But I don't think it means your relationship is better or worse.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. But what if you go so long without it, that it becomes like a thing of like, all right, I guess we'll have our annual sex. Well, annual is a bit much. But Esther Perel, you know, sometimes you see this. I think, and I'm not saying Hannah and I do this, but like, I think if you're together

a long time, there's nothing wrong. And I believe I've seen this in like these therapy sessions. There's nothing wrong with saying that no matter what, like on this day, this during the the week, we are having sex. Because what happens is what all these things, it's very easy to be like, I'm not in the fucking mood. Yeah. But once you're in the zone, once it's happening, it feels great.

So you just make yourself do it. It's also like in comedy, we're all bunch. with so many men and women and we're all just like bros, and then you're married to a comic and you're like, all right, we have to have sex or else we're just bros like everybody else. That's what happens to me. We do have, you know, I try to keep as private as possible,

but one, one pitfall that we have is that we make each other laugh like a lot, sometimes like too much. That's in the bedroom. Yes, it's great. I consider it a positive. But every now and then, you got to be like, yo, we got to stay in the sexy zone, you know what I mean? You're going down on her and you're like, oh, I can hear the ocean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good, though. I think that is good. But yeah. No, no, I think that. I believe there's loads of science around. Like, that's healthy in the relationship. But, you know, sometimes, like, you know, you got to get into the hot zone.

Yeah, but sometimes I have such a hard time pivoting from Jokey Jordan to sex Jordan. I don't even know who that bitch is. Yeah, but could you ever combine the joke with the sex? Like, you know, like you're laying there and you go, knock, and you go, who's there? And you go, this dick. And then you, you know, shove it in. Or you make the dick knock.

Knock, knock, knock. Yeah, but then at some point, you got to give it. It was just a thing I thought of. It's not like I'm sitting here writing. So I didn't mean to block you. Yes, and I think it was funny. And I didn't mean to block you. I'm sorry, that was blocky.

And I apologize. But yeah, at some point, you have to like experience pleasure. And doing that with a straight face sometimes can be silly. Well, you know, also I can, you know, we have a couple of things in common, Jordan. One of which is that sort of like hard exterior, but it's a bit of an act. But I don't mean, I'm not dismissing your heart. But you know what I mean? It's like your natural way, right?

And I have that a bit too. And it can be hard when you're in like a long-term relationship. It could be hard to switch out of that. When you just, when everybody's just gotten so used to the way you are. How do you not turn into roommates? That's my question. After you've been with someone so long, how do you not just turn into this is someone I live with? And we are autonomous drones.

Well, I think that's one of those things where you have to not let that happen. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that's like, relationship. are hard, but they take work. But no, but like, it's the boring thing or like the tedious thing of saying it out loud is that like you can't allow that to happen. Because like that, it takes two to tango on that too, but if you guys have to make the effort.

And then, because I don't know, I got in this like weird Esther Perel face for a while. Yeah, she's the best. She is really. She's the best. Oh, you don't know about her? You've said her name before. Who is it? She's like a sex therapist, I guess, is what you relate to the new doctor.

Root? Yeah. No, but she's way better because she's very, she has very. at this amazing podcast where she was allowed, she got permission from couples to play the actual session. Oh my God. And you're dealing with real shit, like some complicated shit like he cheated on me.

And, you know, she's controversial too. She has all this shit about like, is it really that bad? Like she, but each situation though, she's not saying she has no hard and fast rules about what's what. Right, right.

She's very each situation specific. However, she's just very good at talking about like the practical shit that will help you relate. But she's also very good at talking about like, you know, not fucking is not a sign that you're not attracted to each other. You know, she has all this stuff of like people go in stages and sometimes you're stressed and it's okay if it's not happening. And she's all about like honesty with your partner and like talking about things and like being playful and all this stuff and not putting yourself worth into them. She's just like a very.

She also has this other amazing shit. She's still alive? Yeah. Yeah. She's very much. I'm shocked that you don't know her. And I don't mean that. shameful way. I'll check her out. She's like, she's adjacent to a lot of our life. You know,

she's been on pods of people that you know and stuff. But the other great thing she talks about is that there's a lot of pressure on long-term relationships because we live a lot longer. And back in the day, you had a very small pool of people that you would ever potentially mate with. That's what we just said that. You got a book. That's what I just said on the last pod, that like our parents or grandparents didn't really cheat or feel desires outward of their marriage because you knew seven people and they were all the shopkeepers in your name. Right.

You're like, I'm not going to fuck Bob. I'm related to Bob. Yeah. Yeah. So she basically says one of our things is that to death do us part is a much greater commitment than it used to be. Yeah. I'm, I'm listening.

I have to go to the bathroom. Oh. Oh. This is serious. No, this isn't serious. This is a podcast. Serious X-O. Radio.

Wow. I'm going to pee the demon out. Is it going to be blood? Yes. Wow. There will be blood. That's fucked up. I abandoned my boy.

Are you, are you? Do you have health stuff? Are you worried about your health stuff? I'm good right now. Wow. I got that out of the way early. With what? What'd you have?

A cancer survivor. Of what kind? Testicular cancer. You didn't know that? You have one ball? Yes. Really? You've never seen that bit?

Did you get a weight in the other one? It's funny. I used to do that bit all time, but I guess since the days of us being in the same room, I haven't done that. I didn't get a fake one. No, I have a whole bit about it. You have one ball. Yeah. No fake one and the other?

No fake one. Because you were like, it's fine? Well, I do a joke, but it's 100% true, which is they offered me one. We never discussed it until literally I was on the waiting to be put down, waiting to be put under, waiting to be put under. Waiting to be put under. And they were like, do you want a silicone prosthesis? And I didn't. So I said to the guy, why do guys get it?

And he said for cosmetic reasons. And then I do a whole bit about how it's the least cosmetically attractive part. I'm not going to do my bit. But I just decide I didn't care. And it's never. It doesn't hit you off balance or anything? No, no. And it never comes up, man.

Like, because a lot of guys get it because they think, like, oh, if I'm in the shower, because it's a young man's cancer, right? So if I'm in the shower with the boys that, like, it's going to look funny. But, like, it doesn't. Yeah. It doesn't look funny. It looks like a normal ball sack. Yeah.

Okay. Can you show us? I'm not going to show you my fucking ball. I've done that once before. I feel like on a radio show. But I'm not going to do it now. I feel like such a fool. How did you find out a bump?

A lump? I had a lump. Yeah. It was 24. It didn't hurt. And that was one of the reasons why. So here's the comedy. This is not the comedy story, but the thing that comedians will understand.

So during that summer of 2000, I felt the lump, but I was like hoping it wasn't cancer. And then I went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And, you know, it's a month-long festival, and I'm sure you've heard it's really tough. And I was having a very bad run. It just wasn't happening. And show didn't come together. Nobody was coming. I hated myself every night after the show.

And then every night I would go home and I'd be like, fuck, this thing is only getting bigger. So on top of like hating myself as a comedian, I was also like, and I'm probably dying. But I didn't want to, you know, you don't want to know. So you delay. It was getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It was definitely not going away. Yeah. And then I bumped, I knew this guy I knew from before.

He had had it, you know? And when I met him, I was like, yo, what was your lump like hoping he'd be like, not like yours, but what he described was exactly the same. What was it? Just a ball? A hard lump. The painless hard lump. Like a sphere or weird shape?

No, like just felt like a little extra on the testicle. So this is 100% true story. This is not for comedy, okay? So I was with, I was in Cork City and Ireland and I was with my best friend at the time and we both knew this guy. So after he said it,

I was convinced dieticly cancer. So we got back to the house and I said to my friend Ian, I'm Ian. Oh yeah, I said Ian. I said, can you feel your, like, will you feel your balls? and then feel my balls and like tell me what you think.

And he literally said like, what if people think we're gay? And I was like, well, nobody's fucking looking. Yeah. And then he said, what if you get an erection? I was like, that is not going to happen. Like, literally think I'm going to die. Cut to five minutes later. You guys are doing it.

No, well, no, but the actual, the funny gay part was. So we're sitting in the living room. I remember exactly where I was in Glenmire and Cork. And we both dropped our pants. And I remember thinking, wow, this is quite gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like in the movie, the teenager. that are like, I think I might like men.

So, but he felt his and he felt mine. And it was different. Oh, he was like, did the lump get bigger? I have a lump is why I'm asking you. Where? I have a side, I have a,

like in my groin. So what are you, what are you waiting for? I went to the doctor and they were like, you got to get an MRI with the liquid, with the liquid stuff and I refuse to do it. Can I say? And MRI with contrast?

Yeah. Why not? I, can I say, can I say you, I love you and I worry about your lump and you're like, I'm not going to get checked out. And then you worry about me, but you're angry at me because of my health.

So why are you allowed to be... Thank you. Why are you allowed to be mad at me? When you Google lump in your groin, what comes up? Because I'm actually not familiar with what that would be for a woman. They have no idea. I mean, she saw it and she was like, I think it's fine, but you should get the UV. You should get a check.

No, because I can't. I'll faint so hard over and... I'll go with you. You got to go and get into... They'll fucking knock you out. What, the IV? You're going to faint? God, yes.

You're going to faint on the IV? The contrast, who gives a shit? No, so they say, and then they have to put it in the end. Try getting a stent, you're your reader. Your reader. You're Gary Veter. I feel like such a fool complaining about my kidney stone and procedure when you're like, I am not.

I was 2000. It was fucking 26 years ago. It was towards the end, you know, towards the end, it really started to like blow up on me. But then it hadn't spread. Did it look like this guy from Arial Monsters? I love that. I went to the, I had to get an ultrasound. Gum.

They sent me for an ultrasound. And the fucking guy, I was supposed to get the ultrasound. on the Thursday and then see the specialist on the Friday. The Friday guy was supposed to tell me the results. But the fucking ultrasound guy puts the video up, turns the screen to me. And he's like, oh, you see that's your healthy one on the right? And then shows me the left. And he goes, you see that one?

You see that inch, inch and a half? He says, yeah, I think that's a tumor. I think you have to stick the cancer. It was on my own. Now, that means that you're in remission now that you know. Oh, yeah, after five years. It didn't spread of me. I got radiation for safety in 2001, but it hadn't spread.

There's two types. The type that I had was the better type. The type that Lance Armstrong had was the other one that goes. The one that made him cheat. Well, I can't stand him because he kind of hid behind cancer. Right. What did he do? He cheated and he was like, but my balls?

No, you know what really annoyed me was in the later years when the pressure was really coming down? Any journalist that kind of challenged him, he would really hide behind the cancer card. Damn. That's like Kevin Spacey being a pedophile and then being like, but I'm gay. But I'm gay. And we were like, okay. What if you're gay? Come to the pipeway.

We can't get upset in a gay man. But anyway, so I had to sick the cancer. Well, how did that come up? Oh, testicles? So anyway. Oh, I was asking you about your health because he was hobbling. Oh, yeah. I feel like such a fool with my little pain.

And then you're, oh, yeah, I already just said that. Yeah, but it's fine because the mine was so long ago. Yeah. Yeah. It's scary. I'm done getting older. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of it.

It sucks. I'm hoping that all my old man things are now going to be out of my system and I'm going to be a young man again. Yeah, unfortunately, that's not the case because every bit of oldness that crept up on me. I was like, I'll deal with that now and I'll go back to normal. And the problem is that you deal with that, but the other things are already piling up. So I've got bad news for you, bro. But you seem very healthy. Yeah, but I'm not.

I can't fucking do any proper sport because my knee never healed properly. Why didn't it heal properly? Because just, just, I, the way after the surgery, just about eight months in, I just started to have problems with my kneecap. This is a second surgery. This is one I only had recently to do something else. I'm not going to tell you. But you can't get a good. Sort of.

What happened? Why did your knee take? Because, you know what? I just got so much deterioration. How are we talking about this? I got so much deterioration in my kneecap cart. Sorry, Jordan. That it just, I just experienced so much pain that I never got my quad back.

So if you look, I've got severe quad atrophy. See? See the difference in size? Maybe you need to take peptides. Have you tried for lint some vitamins? Listen, man, everybody brings up peptides. They are not the miracle that people say that. What are peptides?

Why does everyone know all about these peptides? Emma Wilman was the first person to tell me about peptides. BBC 157. People always bring them up. I've tried everything that's when I bring up my knee pain. People bring shit up. I try it. It never works.

But they're like Adam. Have you tried lighting a black candle by a virgin? My mom tore her ACL and didn't have enough money to fix it. Yeah, but you can actually have reasonable outcomes by not getting it repaired. Really? How's she doing? Well, we would just be going for a walk with the dog and she would just collapse and start bellowing. Oh, yeah, that's bad.

I would have to, like, drag her corpse back to the house and she'd be like, ah! And just screaming. And I was like a little kid going to school. So she never got the repair? No, she finally got it. And now's fine. Right, yeah. Well, I did get the repair, but unfortunately my kneecap.

So my ACL repair was fine, but my kneecap is what kicked off of me. Pain. Pain wise. Did you shatter it? What'd you do to it? No, it's just cartilage deterioration. Did they give you good pain meds? Well, as you know, Ian, I am of the recovery community.

So I'm very conscious of, in fact, I flushed probably three quarters of a bottle of oxy down the toilet because I ended up hardly using any of it. And then you start, you know, then you start to get, I could take one today. But then you're like, I'm not really in any pain. I think I might be wanting to take this because it just makes life so easy. Well, they only gave me, they only gave me. So I just chuck them. They only gave me three transatlantic.

And tramadol for... Yeah, and tremidol's like nothing. That's the thing. So I was in so much fucking pain day of... Well, leading up to day of day after... Today I'm like... I just feel it like something. And then when I pee, it's like painful.

And tomorrow they're taking the sten out of my urethro, which is going to suck. You can't ask them for one oxy? I... I asked and they're like, we can. I'm like, all right. So I've just been like extra ibuprofen, extra... Because I have no problem taking them when I need them. But because...

Because what happened was I... read the bottle like afterwards because I ended up, I said so much. And then I read the bottle and the prescription was actually take two for pain after the surgery. But I was taking like one so sparingly. But then I just flush them because like if you get in a habit of take it's, they make you feel so good. Yeah. Like, and it's not the pain relief.

When you're supposed to get it. It's the feeling of everything's going to be okay. Yeah. Right? Clonopin is the best. It's unbelievable. When you get that, everything's going to be okay feeling, the feeling you've been searching for all your life.

For me. It's so good. How is it so good at doing that? I know, but I can't, I can't. Well, it pisses me off that we had an opioid crisis and the fucking sacklers and those pieces of shit make it so that I can only get three tram it all after surgery. Yeah, well, also, it pisses me off that my fucking generation ate sugary cereal and we didn't get fat. And now these fucking fat kids are making it. So my raisin brand has half the fucking sugar it used to have.

Yeah. That's just the sacrifices we make. You didn't have as much sugar in your cereal. We had more. No, I had the most. You didn't have very much. That was your choice. How old are you?

50. Yeah, so I'm 35. Your generation was chill. They had like some sugar, but they were reasonable. My generation, they were like, yo, let's get these kids fucked off. So you're saying your raisin brand was sweeter than my raisin brand? Type 2 diabetes, yeah, mine was sweeter.

You had raisins and bran. We had sugar-dipped raisins and brand. I had sugar-dipped raisins. We were the preservative era where everything started out preservatives. I know. My era had preservatives too. Yeah, we had a TV dinner era, bro. Yeah, preservatives, but I don't think you had as much sugar.

the sugar. I don't think the preservatives are a problem. How about that? Take that to your fucking anti-vax crew. You need to have a kid. Where does that come from? What the fuck just happened? What are you talking about?

Are you pro-preservatives? Am I having a stamp-related stroke? I am actually pro-preservatives in the sense that I think that a lot of the things that they're trying to say preservatives are causing the problem aren't. I think it's an easy scapegoat. I think it's a much more complicated situation. and it's way more than just preservatives. That's me, though.

What do you think it is? What do you think the big problem is? Well, why everyone's fat. Floodide? No, I don't think that either. What do you got? I don't have the answer. That's one thing I know.

And I don't feel the need to latch on to one. Because, well, my cousin, who was like my dad in Ireland, he was the professor of nutrition in Trinity College, Dublin. And he basically would always just break it all down for me in terms of like what we really know and what we don't know. and all these things have elements of them that are a problem at certain amounts and it's very easy to latch onto one

and just think that's the problem. Yeah. That was his jam. So when I say I don't think preservatives are a problem, I'm not saying he should be up to the wazoo with preservatives. But you don't have a replacement as to what the problem is. Also, your generation had to walk around way more. My generation was driving everywhere.

Yeah, you guys had to walk two ways uphill to and from school. Here's the other fucking annoying thing because my people, Well, I would like to say that a sedentary lifestyle is the reason why everyone got fat. But then the science on that says that's not the reason either. Sedentary lifestyle says that. Well, follow the science, Fauci. If you're going to have hot takes that nothing's real, you have to have an answer. No, I don't have to have an answer.

I'm not a scientist. I'm just saying that I'm not going to spit out. You're a little agent of chaos. No. You little Guilio. No, I'm okay. I'm okay with not knowing. But I'm not okay.

But I'm not... You're like an agnostic. You're not an atheist. Nobody's saying sedentary lifestyle isn't bad. What I'm saying is everyone liked to say for a while that the sedentary lifestyle is the reason for obesity, which I still in my mind, I think, how can that not be the case?

I think it's preservatives. But the thing is that the science shows that that's not the main reason, even though I don't know how it can't be. So what's the science there? Well, the science doesn't have a conclusive answer. So the science can say what it's not, but it can't say what it is? it doesn't know yet.

If it knew, then we'd all be sorted out. And we're never going to find out. Do you know why? Because GLP-1 is going to fucking solve the whole crisis. Yeah. But it makes her bones brittle. Which is apparently anti-GLP 1 prevalent. I'm not GLP 1 in any.

Is it? Is it? I'll get on that shit right now if my bones won't get brittle. I can get it for you. You want it? No, but I took it after my knee surgery because I got so fat. Really? You got fat?

Yeah, I was up to 235 pounds. Oh. Yeah. You fucking took a jail. How much you did you now? How much you got that bad boy down to 195? Did it make you nauseous? 1.99.

You got a little nauseous. Did it make you anything else? Did it make you like lose your taste buds or anything? No. Soft, soft dick. Did you have a soft dick? It doesn't affect your penis? Did you have sensitive gums?

Didn't have sensitive gums. Projuring nipples? But maybe that's why you couldn't get your quads back. Club foot. You don't know? Club foot. Would they actually say the opposite? That is good for inflammation?

of your cock? In fact, Jim Gaffigan, on the record, on his own special, says his knee pain went away when he took GLP ones. What is GLP once? Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan's sort of pro GLP one bit on his special was the final nail in the coffin. I was like, fuck it I'm going to do it. Can I just say, I'm a drug addicts through and through?

If I take a GLP one, I'm going to have a GLP two, a GLP three. Oh, you know what I'm talking about? Come on. They're going to be able to stop. Come on. I want a GLP all of them. No, but what I mean about preservatives is there's fucking preservatives in all our shit.

Yeah. Like you had loads of, but you're fine. I wasn't fine. I had type 2 diabetes. I was a big fat, fatty huge. Yeah, but that's from sugar. Yeah. Yeah, idiot.

You said sugar's fine. No, I didn't say sugar's fine. I said, because these motherfuckers got fat, I don't have sugar in my racing brand. But I was kind of joking about, I was jumping off his thing about the oxy. I also was the kid who added sugar to the raisin brand. So did we.

Really? I do that, but with salt. You added salt? I had salt to everything. Yeah, now you got the gout. Interesting. My, I can, my taste buds, takes a lot for me to taste.

Same. Which is like, why shouldn't I go down on a girl if she's on her period? I can't taste anything. It's a really good point. Yeah. Have you done that? No.

Oh. I have, but I concentrate on the clit and I don't go down to the bottom, so it just looks like I have more paint on my chin. What? Well, concentrate on the clip? It's disgusting. You do a little CC action.

How can that be disgusting? A little COC. Concentrate on the click. Yeah, I just call it COC. You glom onto it like a barnacle on a boat. Oh, my God. You don't get off till the ship goes a rocket. I hate that we're just flesh out.

And then I go salty seas or high Caesar. I want to be made of metal. I hate all the sensitive soft spots. The seas are angry today, my friend. Oh, Poseidon. No, Poseidon. I hate it. I hate all of it.

I hate nerve endings. I hate all that stuff. I'm conscious of your. My wiener looks like the nose of an ard vark. What? Of my pregnant friend? My penis looks like an ard vark because I'm not circumcised. Why?

In fact, people made fun of me as a child in the swimming locker room. You're uncut? I'm uncut. I'm uncut. You got uncut gem? Yeah. I'm cut. Uncut jam.

My first viral video. My first viral video on TikTok was, I said, as a member of the uncircumcised community, it was at the time where Julia, what's her face went via for uncot jabs. And I said, we're no longer. calling it uncircumcised, we're calling it uncot jabs. And I cut to her and it got a huge, that was my first viral. Wow. Uncaught jabs.

Isn't it funny how like that was everything for like a month? And no, you never hear that mention anymore. Yeah. I'm going to go viral if I don't take my antibiotics tomorrow. All right. Oh, I. It took me a second. James, are you circumcised?

Yes, of course. Why do you make them unsurked? Because in Ireland, when I went to Ireland, I had a normal penis again. You know, like all my life, I was abnormal until I went to Ireland. But it's just, I find it quite funny how American women think it's like so odd, the uncircumcised penis. We're in actual fact the circumcised penis is the oddity. I was raised in a hippie environment where it uncircised is. Good old fashioned American propaganda, baby.

Well, like it's insane that we're, we're cutting skin off of children's penises. It's insane. It is perverted and weird. Did you cut your baby's dick? Absolutely not. You did it? Oh, you didn't? Jack is uncircumcised.

Good for you. Nice. Let's go. Intact is what that. There's a whole movement. Because I had a bit about being uncircumcised. And then all the people from this movement of like not circumcising children. So they could.

It's not uncircised. It's intact. That's the word. Oh, intact. Intact. But it is. It's genital mutilation. It's very odd.

It's very, very odd. How normal it became. Yeah, but don't they do it for cleanliness? Why do you guys? Just wash your dick. Don't ask me. I'm not the one that does it. Captain fucking Schmegmo.

I got it done. We have a fucking vagina full of lips and cravices. I have a beautiful penis. I'm happy that it's circumcised. No, you don't. You want it uncut because there's more sensitivity. So listen, there is very minimal benefit. Dude, if it was uncut, I come faster.

God, I wish it was uncut. Yeah, you'd come less fast. No, no, I want to come faster. And you don't need lubrication during masturbation. I don't use the food anyway. So best you use the skin. Weird. What?

Mm-hmm. Keep it in the sleeve. Keep it in the sleeve, bro. Dry, dry guy. Dry rub? Really? Boop. Do a dry rub on your chicken?

wing? Shit. Yeah. Damn, dude, really? Yeah. Doesn't that hurt? No. Really?

Mm-hmm. Maybe that's why it takes me a while to come because I have desensitized. You've desensitized to the point of not feeling enough sensation. It's never she's graded your shit. I mean, that's crazy. It's callous. It's like those women that are you finding it hard not to come because you're taking Viagra.

No? Yeah. He takes Bluetooth every time. Not every time. A lot. I have. But if you take that, it's harder to kill. Yeah, because in your head, you're like,

I really want to last, I don't want to come fast. And then, you know, they get off, you're like, God damn, and I wish I could come. And then I can only come with my hand because of my antidepressants. And it's just like this. Oh, the antidepressants. I've heard that.

What are we even doing? Can we just fucking both come and hurry this up so we can smoke a cigarette in bed and yap and talk, talk and yap. Say things we like and what we want out of life. You've got to relax around sex and you've got to tell yourself if I don't come, it's fine. If I do come, it's fine.

And whatever happens, is cool. I do. Take the pressure off. Yeah, there's no pressure. No woman gives a fuck if you come or not. Or if you come fast, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine.

I'm not complaining. Yeah. I'm just making jokes on our podcast. Right, but you would like sex more if you were just like, fuck it. Well, that's why I've been trying not to have sex because I'm like, let's just make out and like talk. But maybe with a woman, you should be like, I don't know what's going to happen. I could come in a second.

I could not come at all. I might get soft midway. Has nothing to do with you. I'm all fucked up. I've said that. I've said, hey, I just so you know, sometimes I can't come unless I jerk myself off. It's nothing personal. Yeah, and that's also getting older.

But that's communication. And it's women's fucking job to not shame men. We're supposed to be these maternal people. We have one good quality about ourselves, which is that we're loving. If a guy can't come or if it comes too fast, don't fucking dog him. All of his brain tissue is connected to his disc tissue. And if you dog him, then it makes him nervous and freaks him out. I don't think, do you think women shame a guy for not being able to come?

Yeah. Quick coming, I can understand. It just happened my friend. For not coming? For not coming, for going soft, for coming to you. All of my friends are just like, they're like, well, do you not think I'm attractive? I've done that before. I've done it where I'm just like, oh, you're not coming because I can't make you come.

And they're like, well, now, yeah. Yeah, well, now that you're making that goblin face. Yeah, yeah. Now that you're on all fours and your neck is twisted. Yeah, yeah. Now that you're speed crawling towards me. But I think people are crawling on your fingertips. Now that you're on the corner of the ceiling.

Now that you're on me. now that you're reliving the ending of hereditary yeah yeah yeah yeah no i i explain that i've i think sex is best when you're so open communicative yes hey this hey that it's okay this this this is that and it makes it hotter a hundred i think the whole getting consent at every step of the way thing i think people took that the wrong way of being like met do you consent to me feeling your tits. Like that's not attractive. It's open communication.

But yes, being like, being like, God, I really want to, you know, this or can we do this? Can we do that? That is a form of consent. And going that along the way in kind of a way is pretty hot because it includes the other person in the decision making and where you go.

Does that make sense? Yes. Yeah, but also I feel, I've always felt that's really important for the woman to have a better time because I think women are more complicated sexually than men in general. I think it's easier to get. a man. I do disagree.

Interesting. Hot take, women, hole, it's a hole. You guys, blood, raising a mast, come. But the broadness of what makes a woman come is what I mean. No, it's just stimulation of the literates

while getting penetrated. Behind your hole, it's like when they open up that little alien from men in black and he's got all these gears and clocks in his head and you're like, what do I do with all these levers? No, it's three, with a woman we are able because we can communicate it to go, I want you to dominate or I want you to be submissive,

I want this and this. With men, you guys are like, I can't say my needs, and then your dick is soft or you come too fast. With women, we know what we want. But I think you're maybe exaggerating how communicative women can be about what they want.

I'm not blaming women because they've probably been with loads of guys that are like, don't fucking tell me, I know what I'm doing because men can be a bit like macho in that way. But it can be hard to get them to like, open up about what works. I want to be told what to do, what gets you there, what do you like? Because I think that's the best.

You want to please them. But I joke about it, but I have always been of the opinion that men are easier, that they're kind of always going to get there, but you're disagreeing. Not with me. In your experience. Oh, so many neurotic dudes that they take the blue chute, then that fucks things up. They come too fast. And they get mad.

I guess every guy I'm with is taking blue choo. No, it's totally. My mom and I talk about this is like, I never had this issue with men. I was like, dude. Also, I'm very like. Blame the point on that, but they can't get a consensus on that either. We can't get consensus on anything. Yeah, but also Jordan is at this other knee out.

Jordan's at the tip of the bed tapping a watch going, hurry up, mister. I'm going, you want me to be a lady or you want me to be a boy? What do you want? I know you got to take off the tool belt, George. I know. It's so hard. It's so hard. I'm very scary to have sex with because it's tricky because I'm so dominant.

But then when I'm in sex, I'm not dominant. Oh, I'm just a good. So then people are like, wait, what? And it freaks them out. Because they, do you think they were into the scary Jordan? And then they're like, I didn't know you were a bitch. And I'm like, oh, I'm a bitch. Hey, you're not a bitch.

Talk to yourself. Oh, but this is, you know. A wimp. Pussy. A little nicer. Softy. Honestly, though, I think being, being a comic, it's not the best way to meet the right guy for you. It's so tricky.

For you. Yeah. I know. Because the guy you want. It's not a... Tracted to the fucking Dom Jordan. Yeah, totally. I know.

I have to like meet somebody in a recovery group or something. Where I'm sobbing. Go to sex and not. Go to fucking SLA. I go to SLA. But I don't go to Coed because then one thing leads to another. Do you want to come over? Comics are like, do you didn't come over and write together?

SLA people are like, do you want to come over and read the book together? Yeah. Oh, I forgot about the right together thing. Do you want to go through the book with me? I forgot about this. I never knew that you. I didn't know you're into that world. Yeah.

Yeah, we both are. I didn't know we're all recovery people. Yeah. Why didn't we say that at the beginning? Well, I don't know. Because everybody knows it so much about being in. Oh, sorry, I didn't know that. What are you in?

NAA? I'm 31 years clean and sober, man. Hell yeah. That's incredible. 1999. Oh, my God. Wow. I thought we talked about that.

I knew you were in recovery. Yeah. I don't think we talked about the specifics of it. 95. That's wild. Nice. Yeah. In Ireland, I was a big NA guy because the AA was a,

like really old dudes. But in the States, I was always more of an AA guy. I can imagine AA in Ireland it's like, um, like you have to be really, really bad.

No, that's, I mean, obviously we have fun with the styrotid, but actually not true. And these days, it's, it's very different to what it was

when I first, like, if I were in one of those recovery groups because I'm sober too, it would be N. Because alcohol just led to drugs for me. But the thing is that American A.A. is like basically A.A.

And N. Whereas like in Ireland, when I started going to N.A. in Cork, like in 1995, NA was basically the same as an AA meeting in New York. People talk about their feelings. They talk about drugs.

They talk about alcohol. Yeah. Whereas, and I've been to many NA meetings in New York, but like, you know, there was just a greater level of things that I didn't identify with.

I could identify as a member. I never had a problem with that. But it was like pretty full on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I wasn't in jail. What was AA like in Ireland back then? Oh, it was like, well, they say,

our father. They still say the fucking our father. They're still smoking in meetings then. But no, it was just a lot of older guys. And I was the only young guy in the room. And I didn't mind. It was working for me. That was my old home group in Delaware. Ventilators. I was the youngest guy. It was in all men's move. Men's group. It was all old bikers.

Venulators. Because there was a place you could go to vent. That's a good name. But yeah, so basically when the NA group that I got involved with in Cork was just like everybody was my age. We all did the same drug. We're all part of like coming out of alcohol and like rave culture.

We're like, like on paper, like it wasn't even that bad on the drug side. Oh, that's when rape culture was like huge in that part of the world,

like England, Ireland. Yeah, but the most amazing thing is that when I got clean, we never stopped going. We, I fucking danced my way

through my, my first five years of recovery. You could go to raves and dance all night. I mean, it was the making, the making of me, man.

I went to a gay bar in Montreal and I danced and I danced and that felt really nice. Dancing got me through my entire recovery. It's a huge part of my life

like all those early years. I fucking loved She's a huge part of my life. But it sucks. It sucks. It's hard to find a good dance club nowadays. Yeah, it is really hard. And I'm 50 and I don't look like a fucking creeperzoid.

You can do it in your suit. You can't go by yourself. No, I know, but like, Hannah's not into, like, clubs. And, like, I just, apparently there's these, like, afternoon clubs now, these, like, day clubs. That's fun. In Montreal, there's good ones. Yeah, I think I'll have to try that out. There's got to be a better.

My friends still go out dancing in, like, Williamsburg. You're 305. Yeah, but I can only. You could go. You could go. But you look younger. You look like your early 40s. It's not about being young.

You look put together. Yeah. So you're fine. Yeah, but your knees are going to buckle. No, but I can dance. I can dance. I like, you just need, what I love is that sense of you're there to dance.

And I feel like that's not as much of a thing anymore. Like, we would like ring out the t-shirts at the end of our nights out. I love the idea of you and your guy checking out each other's balls and then going after this, let's go, well, time. Well, let's let's Ian and does it up in the USA, brother. Let me fill your balls and then this and it'll take you dancing. Also, you should go to hardcore shows

because then you're really in the dark and you can just let it rip. Yeah, but that's, I was never into that. Yeah. I was never into that. You want the trance stuff. I mean, Rage Against the Machine, you would laugh at me, but I did go to Ridge Against the Machine. I like that.

That's awesome. It was one of the great shows in my life. I love Raging. I actually struggled. I was young then too, but I just couldn't keep up with the mashing. Like I kept being super out of breath. I wasn't afraid. I just couldn't keep up.

I wasn't fit. enough for the mosh pit at Rage Against the Machine. Rage is awesome. Gangstar opened up for them, great show. You should listen to Zach De LaRocca's original band Inside Out. He had before he joined, started Rage Against the Machine. Rage Against the Machine is actually a name of an Inside Out song that he named the band after. Wow.

You know what's so funny? Isn't it amazing how calm and articulate it became towards the end compared to the chaos of the beginning of our games? It's nice. We really dialed it in. Yeah, we really, I think everything changed after I pee. I really have to pee You need to go also Des Desh

Tell everyone where they can find you Oh well I'm at Des Bishop D-E-S B-I-S-H-O-P on Instagram See my special Bridgetin Tunnels It's on YouTube It's on Hulu too But really you just watch it on YouTube And that's really it

Awesome Yeah Bridgetin Tunnel Check up dot live slash Jordan Jensen For all her dates E-M-Fidance.com for all mine Patreon.com slash be and E-N-E-M-Pymp And we will see you next time

Bye bye Bye Oh my God it's bad but.