Bein' Ian With Jordan - Heated Rivalry W/Steve Rannazzisi | Bein' Ian with Jordan #190

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

Comedy legend Steve Rannazzisi joins Ian in the Den to swap road stories, look deep into Ian's IG algorithm, & drop their favorite South Park moments. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access an...d bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code SKA @ http://BlueChew.com/ -Support the show & get 20% off your first Lucy order with code FIENDCLUB at https://www.lucy.co/FIENDCLUB -Use code ska50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year at http://FactorMeals.com/ska50off Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Steve! https://instagram.com/steverannazzisi Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:23 So no matter what day of the week, Go's got you covered. Find out more at goadransit.com slash tickets. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being in, coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, being in, and life is shit, but you're positive.
Starting point is 00:01:00 Let's find out what it's like to live alive Being Ian With Jordan Hey, Hey, I'm about to record the podcast Can I call you afterwards? Okay, is everything cool? Okay, cool.
Starting point is 00:01:30 Are you cool to talk about 9-11 stuff? Yeah, sure, why? I mean... That was just a daily mail. Oh, God. I knew you were coming on. Dude. I thought you were just reading.
Starting point is 00:01:41 I was just reminding me because we were talking about 9-11 earlier. But I don't care if we get into it or not. I just don't want to get into it or not. I thought you were reading the Kill Tony comments. I just did Kill Tony and it's like... How was that? Well, the show was fun, but like the living in the aftermath is horrendous. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Yeah, some of them can be fucking brutal. Horrible. And it's so crazy because you're like in the moment, Like, this is fun afterwards. Like, guys, that was great. Yeah. Talk to the list. We had fun.
Starting point is 00:02:14 It was a blast. Amazing. And then you get a line and people were like, they, I hope they die and their family never has money. I don't read the comments generally, but like this is like I, the new thing is like when you invite someone to collaborate, which is great. You say yes, but now you're going to get every comment that that thing gets. Oh, and do people still hammer you about 9-11? Which is, I literally will thought you brought it up for that. that specific reason.
Starting point is 00:02:40 Because it feels like 9-11 again. Really? Like it feels like today's 9-11, dude. It's just the first- Sir, sir, a second comment is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it literally feels like,
Starting point is 00:02:52 like the first five comments were horrible. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, I'm fine. I'm fine with it. Yeah. I have no, but like, you know, it is like a lot.
Starting point is 00:03:02 It's a lot. Yeah. Well, dude, there was a guy recently. I don't know if you, there was this guy, Malibu. Do you know this guy? No, is it a real, like an influencer? Well, you know Malibu.
Starting point is 00:03:14 So, dude, this guy, he's, I guess he's turned into an influencer. His name's like Malibu Max or something. Or like he's a weightlifter guy. Okay. And he's like injected this positivity and fun and acceptance into the weightlifting community. And people love him. And he talks like this. And his face is fucked up to where like he kind of looks like a fucked up.
Starting point is 00:03:39 But he's cool. And he's got blonde hair. And when you do your chest breast, just know I have a hard time with it too. And that's okay. Oh, God. And everyone, you don't like it? No, everyone loves him. Look, dude.
Starting point is 00:03:52 I get it. Yeah, I get it. He's really like that. Everyone loves him. I'm hearing the butt coming, though. Wow. That's what I feel. Really, he's part of the proud boys.
Starting point is 00:04:03 And he loves, he's got a big swastika tattooed on his chair. He was there on January 6th. Yeah. But he was there, trying to teach them how to get stronger the next time they enter a government. And be flexible to get through the windows. Do you want to smoke? No, do you mind if I'm good.
Starting point is 00:04:16 No, go for it. All right. So, Jesus Christ. Did he fall out? Is he gone? Some gaming chair, dude. My God. What's it matter?
Starting point is 00:04:28 Oh, worry. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this the guy, Malibu? Yeah, yeah. So his face is fucked up. Okay. Look at it.
Starting point is 00:04:37 And you're like, ah. But for a while on his profile, he said that his face was fucked up because he got hit with an IED in Afghanistan serving. And then it went away. And then recently he's been exploding online with how pot. There he is. Oh. Malibu Fit Max. Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:05:00 And he's been exploding with how popular he is. And he gives money to veteran funds. And he raises money for different charities. He's like, people love this guy, right? Yep. So then this guy was like, hey, let me see your, let me see, is everything all right? Dude, is this like a joke? It's like, what the fuck you're doing this podcast and a construction zone on the BQE right now.
Starting point is 00:05:23 Can I tell you? Pop! Pop! Can I tell you? Atele told me he was like, he was like, you know, you're really good at parallel parking. Have you ever thought about doing a web series where you parallel park, but people make it hard for you? And I'm like, oh, all right, he goes, yeah, like, you know, you know, like in one episode, they put babies in the car.
Starting point is 00:05:40 And then in the next episode, there's like bees or snakes. And I'm like, why? He goes, I would help you film it. I'm like, dude, what are you talking about? That's the craziest thing. I thought he meant like an annoying, nagging side driver, not like serpents. Hey, we're going to get dinosaurs, bring them back to life. I'm going to eat you, dude.
Starting point is 00:05:59 We're going to get Zarner from the cellar to bring a bag of snakes over. Sorry, you're great, Zarn. We're going to tape five babies to the bumper. and see if you don't tap into the car behind you. So this guy, somebody started being like, hey, show us your medical record, show us X, Y, Z. And then he came out and flat out was like, look, I lied. I always hated my face.
Starting point is 00:06:27 I've had surgery since I was younger to change my face. I did serve overseas. I did not get hit by an IED, but it was easier to say I was hit by an eye. ID and then people would stop asking questions than to hammer me about how ugly I used to me. And the whole time he's doing it, he's like, yeah, so, um, I just have to say, I did lie.
Starting point is 00:06:48 He's talking in his Malibu voice. Here, listen. Look at the lips, dude. See? Did the IUD blow up his lips? The IUD? He must have really been up there. What is it? IED.
Starting point is 00:07:01 IED. IED. I improvise explosive device. Can we not hear him? Yeah, I'm trying to be sound. Oh, okay. But here, go to one where he doesn't look so sullen. I've always got comments about my face and appearance. Some of them were harsh.
Starting point is 00:07:15 And to be honest, I didn't handle it well. I was new to being in the public eye, and I didn't know how to handle the criticism. Instead of facing that right away, I made a bad decision and put IED survivor in my bio. That was not true, and it was wrong. Truly, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I have always tried to promote positive.
Starting point is 00:07:36 and support for others, especially veterans. But I understand that my actions here contradict that. I take full responsibility for it. Look at the people. We love you, Malibu buttons. All right, now go to the next video. The next video is him. So, guys, is Malibu back at my alma mater.
Starting point is 00:07:55 Erasing someone's dead. Like a veteran's dead. Oh, he's like, I thought they were trying to erase his dead. He's like, guys, things have really gone down south. I'm now $9,000 in debt. And then he just kept making videos and everybody still loves this guy. That I owned it. Unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:08:13 And I must be the most unlikable person in the fucking world. Yeah. So my question is why. Yeah. I don't know. Why is Malibu forgiven and everyone loves him? And you, how many years later people still want you dead? They literally. I mean, have you ever thought about getting a new face?
Starting point is 00:08:28 I've thought about like leaning into it and being like, I can go back and be like, no, I was there. And just got really, yeah, like going that direction and being like, now you got to prove it. Find the record. Like, you know, like, that's that, that's like what would happen probably now. Unless like, I mean, I don't know when this guy did this, but like, it's hard to get away with stuff now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:52 Yeah. Well, like how, like, so the fact that people have forgiven him and moved on, like, dude, you owned it. And that's a lot to be said for someone that owns blah, blah, blah. And then like, he's moved past it and people are like still in. his team. Yeah. And it's like, how do you navigate that and then everyone's okay with it?
Starting point is 00:09:11 But then like, I feel like you've done your penance. And for how many years has it been since and people still fucking bring it up? It's crazy. Almost 10. Yeah. Like, how do you even navigate that like without letting it fucking, you know, destroy from the inside out?
Starting point is 00:09:26 Like I said, I'm fine with explosive device in the buildings, which was literally. I don't let it bother me because I, it doesn't anymore. Like I, I forgive him. Are you all right? That's hilarious. Is this my theme music for?
Starting point is 00:09:41 He's going to get deep. I'm like, listen. I like myself now. Okay? That, the guy that told that lie, he didn't like himself. Okay, for you. I like myself now. That's why sticks and stones.
Starting point is 00:09:55 No, but people, like it's, most people, this is how it works. I think people don't know and then they might just hear it or like, like someone in comment goes, they say it and then they go look it up and then they're like, oh, fuck this guy. And they have no idea of any, like that's the only research they're going to do, which is fine. Like, you're not, I'm not building fans that way. But most times is someone saying it, something stupid or a joke. And then people being like the reasonable people like commenting after. And that kind of, it doesn't clean it up, but I never engaged, like literally never engage.
Starting point is 00:10:29 But the only reason is because I, you know, now you collaborate with people. so like all the comments just coming your thing. So you're like, I open up Instagram and I see like, yeah, just buildings burning. Jesus Christ. It's crazy. But it happens, you know, a lot. How long after 9-11 did you do that Stern interview?
Starting point is 00:10:48 I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Fyance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head. I get you to teach you.
Starting point is 00:11:04 me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got to rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here?
Starting point is 00:11:32 What do you mean, like after my story came out? No, like didn't, how did that go down? I'm not even familiar with it. Like, dude, also all these comedy fans are like TMZ with like they know the ins and outs of everything. Like, how long have I known? I've never even, like, look this up. Like, I don't.
Starting point is 00:11:48 But a lot of people don't know. Yeah, it's okay. I wrote a one-man show. Then it then fucking COVID happened. Then I had to go make money telling jokes. And I was like, I've got to put this on the shelf. But at some point, I'll, but basically it was like life going on as usual. Doing like a press tour.
Starting point is 00:12:04 My special was coming out. It was like the last season league was premiering. And this is what year? This is 2015. Right. So it's, yeah, 10 years. 11, almost 11. So now it's like,
Starting point is 00:12:14 the week before all this, I'm doing press. And I just get a phone call, like a direct phone call from, and I don't remember the reporter's name now, which is crazy. But he was like, hey, I left me a voicemail. He was like, I want to talk to him from the New York Times about 9-11. I was like, ooh, that doesn't feel right. And then, you know, it was like from there I called my publicist, and I kind of knew he called him back.
Starting point is 00:12:36 And then I just got with all my people. What year did you go on Stern and say that you were in 9-11? This happened like in September. like 13th, 14th, the article came out on the 17th of September of 2015, and I did Stern like three weeks later. Wait, wait, wait. When did you tell the story, the 9-11 story? Oh, like in 2002? Right. Or three? No, no, three. No, not on Stern. Oh, hilarious. No, no, no. I don't see. I don't even know. No, no, no. I was on Marin's podcast. Oh. I was like number 39. or something like that on Marrard's podcast.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Gotcha. Yeah. And then I also, during the Scalar Brothers. So, like, that was like, so back then, like, podcast, people were like, I have a podcast. And it was like, no one knew about it. So Mark was like, would you want to come do my podcast? And I was like, yeah, I'll do it. And I figured I'm like, this is going to be not like literally.
Starting point is 00:13:35 Like, Mark's doing another radio show. That was what I thought it was, you know. And so we got into it and I kind of told the story that I knew that I, you know, people had kind of heard about me. And then that was it. Like once that happened, I was married to it. But I told, I was on Stern to apologize. That was like three weeks later.
Starting point is 00:13:54 God. So that's what I was on. So that's where I thought you were referencing. Like people, when people say to me like, like if they want, like I just send that link to them like the interview. And I'm like, there it is. If you don't like it after that is something I'm with you. But that's it.
Starting point is 00:14:09 You know, like I'm, you know. Yeah. That's the way goes. But yeah, I don't know. Like, I don't, I guess, I don't know, I owned it in my own way. Like, you know, and that was it. But, like, I guess maybe owning it and literally turning, turning the page, I'm not sure. Maybe, you know, who knows?
Starting point is 00:14:26 Like, it's also, I never really built my own brand. So it was more like part of the TV show. So once that kind of ended, people were just like, oh, they were, like, I guess they weren't, like, they were okay to hate me. Right, right, right. So, but, you know, I read something that said that celebrity is just, We are a chew toy for animals to sink their teeth in on the lawn until they get tired to move on to the next toy to tear up. Yeah. And it's like that's all like being in the limelight is basically for people on the internet nowadays.
Starting point is 00:14:59 Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Nobody can even survive. Even if you have like a pristine whatever, like there's always a contingent of people that are going to go after you. And like if you give in and start to like comment or try to, because I do that sometimes where I'll like get sick. of people coming at me for something and I'll be like no this is what it is yeah and then it'll be like look who's crashing out in the
Starting point is 00:15:19 comments I'm like well I'm not crashing out I'm taking the shit yeah and I'm in Wampeton North Dakota yeah bored before the show and I'm like well let me give in to this and then they think that it's this huge thing and it's and for me it's a double edge because it's like I know that partially like what's
Starting point is 00:15:35 gone on in the last 10 years it's partially my fault because the way to build and you've done it a successful sort of career is to social media and podcast and things like that. And those are all things I stayed away from because I was like, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to know what they think. I don't care. I like going to tell jokes to people. That's what I grew up doing. That's what I want to continue to do. But obviously things change
Starting point is 00:15:59 and that's how you kind of promote yourself, which is why I'm sort of behind the eight ball. But again, it's like I know that it's coming. I block certain words, but you know, what are you going to do? These comments come through and that's the way it is. You know, does it suck that, like, other people see it or whatever, yeah, I guess, but my kids don't care. They really don't, you know, they understand that I'm an idiot. Yeah. And that's fine. But like, yeah, it's still kind of the first thing that people mention.
Starting point is 00:16:27 Kind of a little bit. Yeah. So, but anyway, yeah. But that didn't, you didn't see any consequence of that with, there were no like rumblings before he was just like one day the New York Times. Yeah, that was it. Hey, and you were like, oh, fuck. Yep.
Starting point is 00:16:40 Oh, God. Damn it. Oh, yeah. It was hard. God, what a fucking feeling that must have been. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but the real problem was like, you know, I got to tell my parents now. And, like, this is all going to happen.
Starting point is 00:16:50 Like, there's no, like, I'm going to, like, figure out how to break it to him. Like, I'm like, I have 40 hours. Yeah. Before the thing comes out on the New York Times. To which my dad said, you think every, any people are going to read it? I'm like, I, I. Because my dad never read the New York Times. He's like, only the smart people are going to get it.
Starting point is 00:17:08 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Oh, my God. Has it got to the point where you were an answer to? to a crossword puzzle in the New York Times? Probably. I got a great last name. That would be a fun. I got a great last name.
Starting point is 00:17:18 You know who the reporter was? I felt, and this is two years later, he was the one that, remember Trump made fun of him when he did the arm thing? That guy? That guy was the reporter, yes. And I wrote him and I was like, I feel bad for you.
Starting point is 00:17:32 Yeah. Because I felt terrible that they, you know, that was like. And did he say, and by the way, yeah. And by the way, yeah. They're on fire, liar, liar. I don't know. He is retarded or not.
Starting point is 00:17:42 He had like an arm problem. I think he was born with like a... Yeah, yeah. Yeah. My God. But yeah, no, that was... And it was like, it was 40 hours. And then it was like a...
Starting point is 00:17:52 But I never like had a thought of like, how do we spin this? How do we... I was just like, all right. Here's my statement. I wrote it. Then I gave it to the best smartest writer that I knew. And I was like, make this better that it's going to be in the New York Times. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:06 He was like, I chat GPT before. Right. And he like, he punched it up. He's like, okay, this is... Yeah. He's like, you gotta use a... semicolon here. Was it cool afterwards or was it immediate
Starting point is 00:18:16 blowback of like, fuck this guy? No, no. Crazy to me that this guy and I think that's wonderful. I think people should be forgiven. Like, feel how you want about like a lie or whatever. Like you don't know what goes on when you're behind the eight ball in terms of like interviews or this guy. Like people jabbing him about his face
Starting point is 00:18:34 a whole time. Be like, yeah, that's what it was. It got exploded. Now what? In the show, in that one man's show, I kind of broke it down. It was like, you know, I was on the front patio of the comedy store in 2002, just kind of being like, I don't know how to fit in here. And, you know, people said you're from New York. Oh, yeah. And I was in Midtown Manhattan that day. I just put myself, they were like, oh, you worked there?
Starting point is 00:18:57 And I was like, yes. And the way Neil Brennan described was like, it's like a sneeze. Like it came out. And then you can't get it all back in your mouth. Like once you say that, you're either the person that just made this lied or the, or, you know, you're like a psych. go. Like, you can't be like, oh. So once that time frame goes away, it's like you just let it go and hope no one. Yeah. But like, you know, I don't think this guy leaned into it, you know, in a sense of, of like, walking around and being like I was a survivor like that. No, no, no. Like, I never did any of that stuff. I never like, I never like was like, oh, you know, like, I never.
Starting point is 00:19:33 Of course. I always laid low. Always like never. I think a good example of what to do is to just be Randy Marsh from South Park. Do you remember that episode? No, no. Dude, oh my God. He's on Wheel of Fortune. Oh, and his final word is, were people that annoy you.
Starting point is 00:19:50 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I know it, but I don't want to say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The camera guy, the black camera guy leans his head from, cranes it from around the side, dude. That, honestly, yes.
Starting point is 00:20:03 Dude, you should just go do slam poetry. Yeah, call to death. You know? Dude, I mean, that's, I don't want to be. I know it. Yeah. I know it,
Starting point is 00:20:13 but should I say it? But I don't want to say it. Go ahead. And they go, Naggers. And he goes, ooh. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:20:21 They cut the, I think Cartman's in the audience, right? He just looks. Stan, he goes, oh. Yeah, dude. Yeah, no, it's,
Starting point is 00:20:29 it was, look, I don't, I mean, it's going to be a part of my, you know, whatever, Wikipedia,
Starting point is 00:20:38 have you thought about bringing the one man show about? Yeah, I mean, Literally, like, it's tough to get time to do it because it's like, you know, you're either getting stage time or you're on the road to make money. That's such a fascinating thing, though, because I think that it's more relatable than people would ever care to admit the idea of wanting to fit in, being in a new place, telling a white lie. People white lie all the time. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:01 Oh, yeah. Oh, if you've been to that diner and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah. And you're just doing it. So you seem in the know you want to fit in. But it's such an innocuous thing. I think now, like, if that had happened now, it would be so much different. Like, because that was, like, a month before, like, Trump came down the stairs. Like, he was just running for president.
Starting point is 00:21:19 Like, he was just starting. And people were like, oh, he's just going to say crazy things. But, like, 10 years later, it's like the amount of shit. Yeah. That we've been told and lied to about and everything like that and all that. Well, I mean, now it's like, I feel like. You would assume someone would just. A lie of this or that magnitude is just like, well, okay, you're saying this.
Starting point is 00:21:38 but then like politicians are like back in the day being like I smoked but I did not inhale now they're like well I fuck that kid but I didn't eat them. The only like people are just now like the level of lies are so astronomically huge that it and then the next person in the news is a big fat fucking liar piece of shit. That's what happens. And then they move on to that. The wave comes over. The only thing I'm happy about it happened. It didn't happen now is that if it happened now, it was definitely with my thing, I think it would be politicized. So then I would have to like
Starting point is 00:22:09 Like somebody would stick up for me One of the sides would stick up for me And then I would have to be married to that side For the rest of my life Right right right Whether I liked it or not So I feel like everything gets politicized now So this especially something to do with 9-11
Starting point is 00:22:23 Yeah So I think it would be And I'm like I'm glad that that was not part Yeah I'm glad everybody hated me What's just right You were like the unifier Yeah dude I brought everyone together man Much like 9-11 dude
Starting point is 00:22:35 I did it again And being around you makes me hate people that aren't like me. Yeah, that fucking sucks. Yeah. It's people online cannot just leave well enough alone. And by the way, we've only invited it, but the comments in this, when this comes out, are going to be. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:57 You know, the same, it's going to be, but it'll be funnier. It'll be, this will be, because they'll get it now. He's a, Steve, come on. It's fine. How much time? Give it up, right? I don't know what, yeah. I don't even know.
Starting point is 00:23:08 I'm not asking for anything, really. I don't want to, like, be on television again. You know, just people coming to the shows would be nice. And, like, kind of spreading word. Do people ever out loud at shows yell stuff out about it? That's what it is. It's always online. Never once, dude.
Starting point is 00:23:26 It's never like real life shit. No, ever. That's how it goes. It's all fake outrage. Or they do it online and then they move on. I mean, he's playing cool now. But, like, if you're at home and think that he doesn't feel bad and hasn't atone, and moved on.
Starting point is 00:23:38 When he showed up, he was crying in my arms. I held him. And I think that that, if you want, I can hold you again. It's okay. Okay,
Starting point is 00:23:45 I'm fair. Yeah, I was fine. I got away with it the first time. I got the whole first holding. I felt good. He showed up and I was completely naked.
Starting point is 00:23:51 Completely naked. He was 20 minutes early. And I just got down the shower getting done a workout. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I live decently far away.
Starting point is 00:23:59 So it's like either I'm going to be 20 minutes later, to everything around here. So I got here early and I had a piss so bad. When I, When I heard my buzzer, I was like, please be chewy delivering cat food. Please do not be a friend waiting outside for me. I needed it so bad. I had a piss so bad.
Starting point is 00:24:18 So I pissed in your mouth, dude. And I thank you for that. You're welcome. I thank you for that. And I thank you for having a good diet because I've tasted some bad piss before, brother. Are you a pissing the car guy on a long trip? I mean, I, it's a family a lot, but I will pee in the car for sure if I'm by myself. Dude, you know what my problem is recently?
Starting point is 00:24:38 I always have a gatorade bottle. My problem recently is I pee and poop, get up. In the car? No, like in a bathroom. Oh. But then a couple minutes later, I have to pee again. And I just found out because when you're sitting and peeing and pooping, your bladder is pinched. So then you get up and it's like kind of like an old thing.
Starting point is 00:24:59 It's funny. You say that because I, in the morning, right, my wife gets into the shower. She has to be earlier than I do. So I love to see her naked. So I go to the bathroom and the toilet faces a shower. So while pee sitting down takes longer and I'll toilet nomer. Whoa. I'll just sit there and stare at her naked, talk a little bit, you know?
Starting point is 00:25:18 I like that. But I do realize that like if that's at 6.30 in the morning at 8, I got to pee bad again because I didn't get it fully out. Oh, 630. I'm talking 635. I'm back. Pissing. Again. Dude.
Starting point is 00:25:30 Full bladder. I just said to drive from Nashville to Huntsville, Alabama. Shout out everybody, by the way, for coming out to Huntsville. Dude, it was a Sunday show. I was thinking no one was going to be there. I was very, very happy with it. Shout out everybody for hanging out. That's a great club.
Starting point is 00:25:46 And Nashville, I drove from Nashville to Huntsville. Yeah, I've done that. Stopped off, took a dump in a pee, got in the car, could not even make it back to the road to get on the highway. I had to pull off at a different truck stop and pee again. Will you by yourself? Mm-hmm. Thank God, dude. I would not stop again.
Starting point is 00:26:06 We're not, what are you? My grandmother? Why do we have to stop twice in 25 minutes? Because when you got to go, you got to go. Are you on any blood pressure medicine? That makes you have to go a lot too. No, but I drink a lot of water. A lot of water.
Starting point is 00:26:21 Yep. That's good, though. I need to see a doctor and I haven't. And I'm a little nervous about what they'll tell me. I just went, I haven't been to a doctor in like pre-COVID. and I went back because everyone's all my age. They're dying. Vanderbeek died.
Starting point is 00:26:38 Fucking the other guy died. And I haven't got a colonoscopy yet. The other guy died. The other guy died. That was younger than he should have been dead. Oh, the colonoscopy. Yeah. So I had to, I'm like, yeah. So I'm going.
Starting point is 00:26:49 You're good? I'm going in like two weeks. But I'm, yeah, it's not. I'm not looking forward to it, but it's all like stuff that I'm like. I'm nervous. Yeah, what are you going to do? I'm just nervous that they're going to go, you got to stop smoking, your blood pressure, your blood pressure.
Starting point is 00:27:02 blah blah and then it's like why I'd rather just ride it till the wheels fall off that's fine yeah I mean they're there makes it interesting yeah they're not gonna look you gotta go to a cool doctor you gotta find a cool doctor give me your dog I don't have a cool doctor I don't have a cool doctor I don't really a cool dog he's a younger Indian guy it doesn't seem like anyone I want to party with he sounds cool but you know I definitely want him to fix me mm you know there's this thing on on on that's been popping up on my algorithm of um well I think I think I'm inviting it in because there's this page I follow where it's Indian boys playing games in a field. And if they win, they get to eat.
Starting point is 00:27:42 And you know, one of the kids names is Mr. Greedy. I hate you. You're a cheater. You always try to cheat to win. Mr. Greedy, no, no. And Musamel. Muzimel. You're the man, Muzimel.
Starting point is 00:27:57 How old are these kids? Shout out a little biggie. They range from like eight. to like 15, I guess. And then there's one guy, Mr. Biggie, who's like huge. Yeah. And he is like not as good as a kids for some reason. And when he wins and gets to eat, I'm like, give it to the kids.
Starting point is 00:28:14 But there's also this phenomenon in Indian culture where they do parkour on the street, but it's intentionally bad. And they do it. They'll do a backflip and they'll hit someone with their foot or they'll intentionally do a front flip on the ground to land on their head. It's weird. It's like this dude It get fucked up, right? Oh yeah
Starting point is 00:28:34 Yeah It's like a weird Indian street park Or rabbit hole I've been going down Yeah yeah yeah Wait what do the kids get to eat Like real good food Or is it like just slop
Starting point is 00:28:44 And do they make the other kids Watch the kid? Yeah yeah yeah yeah Oh my God Well that incentivizes them To get better at the fucking game And why is there an adult Getting to play
Starting point is 00:28:52 There's no age brackets There's Mr. Biggie who plays And then the guy behind the camera Is I think he's like the ringleader But the kids seem happy They seem happy, you know. And what do they have to do? Fight each other?
Starting point is 00:29:05 No, no, no. They just play games where like, you know, they play, um, throw games. They play like throw stone at the balloon. Or maybe, um, you know, kickball and net. You know, just simple Indian games. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:21 Look up Mr. Mr. Greedy. I fucking hate this kid. Dude, you can tell he cheats and he tries to be better than all the others. And sometimes, sometimes he'll think he wins. and he'll grab the food and they go, Mr. Greedy, no. Oh, my God. And then he has to put the food back, yeah. And it's, oh, they must be make a decent coin from the YouTube page, right?
Starting point is 00:29:41 Oh, I don't know. No, I don't know. But you're watching. Is this, no, no, no, no. Oh, that's Muzumel. Uh, Mr. Greedy stats. No, no. Just look up Mr. Greedy.
Starting point is 00:29:51 Yeah, Mr. Greedy won. That's him. There he is, that piece of shit. Oh, there's throw stone at the balloon. Yeah, see? Most of the sandwiches are like chicken sandwiches. Oh, those are piece of. See, Mr. Greedy thinks he's gonna win.
Starting point is 00:30:04 No, you gotta play the music. Listen to them talk. Little Biggie. Lefty. Lefty. Lefty. Boom! Muzamil Winnar.
Starting point is 00:30:15 Muzamil winner. Mvza Mel winner. Lefty. Oh, dude, I want to see someone just blast the dude holding a stick in the face with the rock. Oh, look at Mr. Greedy cheat. Look, look at this motherfucker. See? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:32 He's like, yes, I got it. It's clearly a no, Mr. Greedy. Mr. Greedy looks like if Aladdin had a head injury. I hate it. Oh, he should get both pizzas. He smashes one on top of each other and eats of both. Oh, man. When did they eat the dog?
Starting point is 00:30:50 This is an Indian, not China, Steve. Now, I'm going to tell you, this is my... How many follows there? Probably more than me. Let's see. Oh, my God. All it says is. followed by E Animal 6-9.
Starting point is 00:31:07 Dude, he's got 473,000 followers. I know. I know. Dude, actually, go. I think I commented on a couple of these. Go to the last video you played to the right, to the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:19 I think I commented. Oh, there you are. I love when Mr. Greedy fails. I love when Mr. Greedy fails. See, you're a hater. He's reading that like this fucking... Oh, my God. Holy shit.
Starting point is 00:31:35 Dude, if I was the last kid and there was all the pizza was gone, I would just pick up a rock and blast that dude in the face. Go down a little? Yeah, yeah. They look. Look at that. They look. Oh, I thought it was like one thing. And if, oh, this is great.
Starting point is 00:31:47 I'm into this. See? Lick the Dickie. I'm going to show my kids this. Yeah. Look how good you guys have it. See? I buy chicken sandwiches for everyone.
Starting point is 00:32:01 I don't make them throw rocks. Oh, look. I wonder if the fly is included in the chicken sandwich. Dude. Who's watching the... Oh. You got all the cum on those sandwiches, too. That's for me watching.
Starting point is 00:32:14 Yeah, dude, that's terrible. Dude, it's... Oh, go... All right, whatever. Go down. See Mr. Greedy. See what... So is he like trying to be Mr. Beast?
Starting point is 00:32:23 Dude. Oh, I didn't think of that. Is that like the Indian Mr. Beast? No. No, to the left, to the left. Isn't it games? No, no. Yeah, that one.
Starting point is 00:32:32 Hold on. Don't blink challenge. See, it's simple games. Don't blink when the balloon pops. I think Muzimel wins this one. Let's go. Winna! Yeah!
Starting point is 00:32:48 Mousamel! Look at it. What is eating? Dude, I don't know, but that kid, that kid. So many. God, dude. This is all I watch. Dude, this is all I watch is just little Indian boys playing blinking balloon games.
Starting point is 00:33:02 How did you let your algorithm, dude? Dude, I've worked you to this. I've worked so hard to get my algorithm to a good place. If you want to call this a good place. Probably better than where it was. Oh, yeah. Great right now. I, I no longer, it's no longer like sex bots and like all that stuff.
Starting point is 00:33:19 It's just Indian boys playing games to eat. Uh-huh. Cats. Japanese woodworking videos. I love those. And, um, what was it recently? Um, there's nothing I love more than getting a meal sent to me by Hello Fresh.
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Starting point is 00:36:06 Oh, look, look, they're back. Oh, my God, dude. They love you. Oh, Norm McDonald's stuff. Yeah, of course, comics, yep. Mike Tyson videos. Fighting. And like Kenny Powers.
Starting point is 00:36:17 Kenny Powers. Yep. I've worked so fucking up because, dude, my algorithm was like, oh, it was, it was bad. It was, it was like kind of porn for a minute and I got rid of all of it and I'm so happy about it. I mean, you're in a good spot now. I mean, this isn't that bad. But it is entertaining. It's pretty crazy.
Starting point is 00:36:36 And the fact that you're now following each individual kid. Knowing and pruding for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like to the point where I'm like, Mr. Greedy's a piece of shit. Newsomel will have his day. When he turns 18, I'm going to beat the fuck. fuck out of him. Dude.
Starting point is 00:36:50 Dude, subscribe to the Patreon. Let's get some plane tickets to India. That's right. Dude, what if in the next video you see me? He cut to you in India looking for Mr.
Starting point is 00:36:59 Greedy? I want to play these fucking games. I've been watching you greedy. I love. It's, it's just good old classic fun. Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 00:37:09 I mean, look, their kids having fun. There's an adult in charge, obviously. Some of them are getting fed. Yeah. Some of them are getting fed.
Starting point is 00:37:17 Yep. After school activities. None of them are doing drugs. Yeah. They seem happy. They're not scamming people in other countries. No, dude. They're good kids.
Starting point is 00:37:25 Yeah, they could be robbing people their credit card numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm into it, dude. Do you ever get scam calls and yell at them? Um, I was in a bad way the other day and I yelled at someone on the phone and I felt bad, but then it felt good for like a second. Oh, like a, like a telemarketer person or like someone that's trying to get like money out of you. I don't get every.
Starting point is 00:37:47 This is a person. This was a person who worked for Amtrak. Actually, I called them for the help desk and they were rude to me. And I was like, you didn't even fucking introduce yourself. Oh, really? I was like, well, you wouldn't have missed your train if you'd been at the train station a half hour early. I go, shut the fuck up. And he goes, I'm going to hang up on you.
Starting point is 00:38:04 If you keep cussing. And I go, we'll get ready to hang up that, pussy. Dude, I love that. You got to go nuts once in a while. Yes. You have to do that once in a while. Once in a while. Because here's the deal, dude.
Starting point is 00:38:16 I know that I'm part. wrong. I know that you're not 100% wrong, but you got to take some of this too. But when you don't meet me halfway at the beginning of a thing where I'm like, look, dude, I'm a little bit upset. I realize I should have been there early, but like these, I couldn't find, why can't you guys just do me a favor and get? To not even go, I'm sorry that that happened. You know, just so you know, we do have a policy. Okay, I can understand you solving that blow.
Starting point is 00:38:39 But for you to go, well, if you'd showed up on time, we recommend being there a half hour early and you weren't. Yeah. What? Yeah. What? Yep. Are you fucking kidding me?
Starting point is 00:38:50 I had a little bit of that skiing. I went to a ski place with the kids a couple weeks ago. And one son got sick, didn't want to go the next day. And they were like, sorry. It's like, it's within 24 hours. And I'm like, oh, okay. I'm like, there's no sort of. Leeway.
Starting point is 00:39:05 Yeah, I need that. They go, no, no, no. I go, is he, I'll bring him here and I'll have him the yak all over the fuck. You know, he starts to lose your mind. You want me? Let's get crazy. Let's get wild, lady. Let's get.
Starting point is 00:39:16 You want to get descriptive? He's going to yak all over the fucking table. And then other people that might not like that might start throwing up. And then all of a sudden we got a fucking stand by me situation here while people are trying to put boots on. Is this going to be fun? You think Mr. fucking Mountain, Hunter Mountain wants to know about this fucking? Let's go crazy with this thing.
Starting point is 00:39:35 For $50, let's start a war, lady. I love it. And it doesn't, it's not me that necessarily wants it back. But you got to meet me a little bit in the middle at the beginning. You have to be a little bit, you can't be all high and mighty. I won't, I can't. Especially if you're working in customer service. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:54 And I know people are rude to customer service off the rip. I hate that. I think you're terrible if you do that. But like you said, if you don't meet me halfway and if I'm coming at you with a certain type of vibe and energy and you don't meet that and you're immediately rude and you're over it. But then I got to take a step back and go, they're probably not happy with where they're at. Sure.
Starting point is 00:40:11 I'm probably upset. Somebody who's probably mean to them. But it's like, guess what? Sorry. I wasn't there for that. I'm trying to be the best I can and you're not meeting me halfway. I'm going to unleash the gates of hell upon you. Fuck you, dude.
Starting point is 00:40:22 And look, it works the other way too. I've had people where I'm like at a shit mood and I meet them customer service-wise. And all of a sudden, they're like, no, no, we're going to help you fix it. And they make it. I was late for, oh, this was like a year and a half ago, right before Christmas. It was like two weeks before Christmas. And I was late for a flight going to somewhere. I had a connection in Atlanta.
Starting point is 00:40:45 and I was like running around my house I drove to the airport got out of my car parked it got to the gate and realized I was at JFK and I was supposed to be at LaGuardia and the flight's leaving in like an hour and 10 minutes no way to get to the other place
Starting point is 00:41:00 Yeah yeah yeah So now I'm like I'm like gonna miss the connection Gonna miss the show that night You know like that's those are the dominoes that are now happening And I'm like fucked All I'm thinking is like I'm fucked Everything is fucked fucked fucked fuck
Starting point is 00:41:12 And all of a sudden Delta 1 just opened up And this lady was like, I'm like, I know you can't help me. I'm not Delta One. But here's my situation. She brings me into a little cubby, right? Looks up. She goes, we have a flight leaving for Atlanta that will get you there in time for your connection.
Starting point is 00:41:28 In like an hour, I can take you, I could put you on that flight and walk you over there right now. Dude. Which she fucking did, dude. She basically held me by the hand. I love that. As she was saying to the gate, dude, I made the fucking flight. As she was saying that, I go, all of a sudden, I remember, like, A couple weeks before that, I had just got my priority status thing in the mail,
Starting point is 00:41:48 and they gave me two little coupons. They were like, if anyone ever was like extra, like, great to you, give them one of these. Didn't tell you what it meant. So I was like, hold on one second. Wait, is this like that it was like you. That owning device from one battle after another? Like, what?
Starting point is 00:42:04 You will know. You give them that, right? They'll know what to do with it. So, yeah, it was like these cards. Like, you did a great job card. I don't know what it meant. But like, so I go, hold on a second. I pulled it, I gave it to her.
Starting point is 00:42:17 She goes, this, I get an extra paid day off. Shut the fuck up. I was going to work on Christmas, but now I'll take it off. I'm going to get to hang out and fucking. That's amazing. Unbelievable, right? That's incredible. It worked out for everyone.
Starting point is 00:42:33 I love that. The plane that I was supposed to be on crashed into the World Trade Center. Look how that worked out. dude. I was supposed to be on that flight, Ian. And the mural girl Christmas stopped it. Dude, that's not funny. Wow.
Starting point is 00:42:56 Ad deserves old Spooky Rooney, brother. Yeah, dude. No, that really was amazing, though. Yeah, win-win for everyone. I love when that stuff happens when people are just, and she didn't know that you had that golden ticket in your pocket. I came in hot, dude. I completely forgot.
Starting point is 00:43:12 She was, I was literally walking there. thinking like, how can I ever like thank this lady? Like she's, do you believe in God? I came in shitty. I came in shitty. Stuff like that makes me go, God is real. There's something out there that is connected us in this moment. And when I'm open to the possibility, my life feels better.
Starting point is 00:43:27 Yeah. When I believe in it and when stuff like that happens and I go, is it odd or is it God? I do believe in God. Yeah. I mean, I'm like my brother's a priest. I'm not there. Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:39 But I'm like, you know, I do believe. Like I have to. I have that same thing. Like there has to be a little, I need a little something. Otherwise, forget it, dude. I'll go crazy on the earth. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm sure given, you know, your story, you need something to forgive you.
Starting point is 00:43:55 So yeah, something to go to a little fucking, something to give me a little hope at the end, right? Dude, I love that. I think that's so fucking beautiful when that happens. Yeah. And when people are just like so kind and they don't have to be and her like ushering you and taking care of it. I know. And not in an environment where it's normally done or, you. even like, like, you're like, you're fucked, dude.
Starting point is 00:44:17 You go, you went to the wrong airport. Like, yeah, I was 100% in the wrong. And I was like, I pissed at myself. So like, when I first approached her, I was not a nice person. I wasn't like, hey, can you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, fuck. I'm fucked. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:29 And she was awesome, dude. That feeling of seeing the dominoes just fall ahead of you. Like, there's seats. Oh, yeah, can get you on the seat. The fucking show is done. We can't push back because there's another show. And then everyone's pissed at you. And the whole time, you're like, this is my fucking fault.
Starting point is 00:44:43 Yeah. I'm a fucking idiot. I should have done this. I got to make the video. Sorry, guys. Tickets tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:49 Yeah, I'm an idiot. Yeah. That's how it goes. Oh, my God, what a dream. Yeah, dude, it was great. God bless. So that's what, yeah,
Starting point is 00:44:56 I completely understand of being, going crazy on someone that deserves it, but when that, and those are very few and far between. Yeah. Most of my customer's experiences are terrible. So that woman did that for you, but the feeling I get when I get to do that for someone else and like,
Starting point is 00:45:14 see me, make their day is so wonderful. You get that feeling? What? Like, you're talking about like when you do stand up for people and make them happy? No, no, no. I do something nice for someone. Oh, oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:45:24 All right. I thought you were like, you think you bring people joy? Fuck you. Yeah, I do. I know. I know. Listen, I know. And people have told me the same thing.
Starting point is 00:45:34 You don't know how happy you make me. I never believe them. Really? I don't. I don't know what it is. I don't. I know that they're sincere. I know that I'm not,
Starting point is 00:45:43 I don't. I don't, to me. I just don't understand it's like ridiculous. I feel like it's ridiculous what we do. And so I feel like lean into that because people need ridiculous and they need joy and they need happiness. And I feel like for you could strip down
Starting point is 00:46:00 whatever it is, but at the end of the day we're traveling clowns. Yeah. We are doing a service which is going to a town, making people forget, enjoy, laugh, have a good time. And that is something that a lot of people don't get in their life. And so I don't take it for granted that it's something we get to we are pervards of joy and we're little Johnny Appleseeds of joy in these different towns and I'm very
Starting point is 00:46:20 grateful to do that and to hear that I can make people feel joy and forget and feel happy that is not lost on me and I love being able to do that but that was not the scenario in which I was talking I was talking about like somebody's lost and you look up on your phone oh help with someone out yeah yeah yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:46:37 got it got it got it got it yeah you don't think you bring people joy I mean look people have said that you know like But you just, you know, like, it's, it's, I don't know. I feel like if somebody saved your life, that's a thing to be like, dude, I can't even believe it this had. Thank you so much.
Starting point is 00:46:53 But like, you know, it's a, it feels weird. It feels strange. I'm like, of course. Yeah, I'm a, I'm a huge music guy. So like music has played such a pivotal role. Yeah. Pivotal role in my life of getting me in and out of situations, mind dreams, like feeling better.
Starting point is 00:47:08 And so like, I've had the chance of meet some artists that I've loved and go, man, your music. helped get me out of whatever. And so people listen to us at the job they don't like or like to and from the hospital on the way to like see their mother who's dying or whatever. And I'm guilty of it too. When I'm down, I listen to skanks for the memories and I'm like, I got to get back to like what's the funniest thing in the world.
Starting point is 00:47:30 Listen to that hanging drywall hanging sheetrock in Delaware. And so you didn't kill yourself. Yeah. Yeah. So I understand it. I get it. Yeah. It just feels funny to accept that.
Starting point is 00:47:40 That's what I thought you were talking about. Of course. No, giving people, yeah, helping people out. That's the best feeling in the world. Yeah, it really is. Because you're like, yeah, dude. Dude, I'm valuable. I would like to get back to it, but, you know, and I'm making excuses, but I used to volunteer a lot when I was younger.
Starting point is 00:47:57 And I was taking my buddy, my buddy was going through like the worst time of his life. And I took him to, on Sundays I used to volunteer this LGBT shelter in Manhattan. And I was in charge of the toiletry. So I'd give all like the homeless trans people, like all their makeup and like stuff like that. And it was so fun. I loved it. And that was on Sundays. And then on Wednesdays, I'd go and I would give sandwiches out at a church and like midtown.
Starting point is 00:48:26 I brought my buddy. I'm like, dude, you got to get outside yourself. Let's volunteer. You'll feel so much better. And he is at like his deepest, darkest point in his life. We're giving these sandwiches. And we're making the sandwiches. And he's like, dude, honestly, man, like, nothing is work.
Starting point is 00:48:40 and I feel like I'm going to fucking kill myself. Hey, have a blessed day, man. Enjoy the sandwich. No, really, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Yeah, dude, I know, I know. It was so funny. It was so funny. I was so funny.
Starting point is 00:48:54 I'm a blessed day. Have a blessed day. He's like, I already bought the rope. Yeah. I'm taking it out of loan to get the chair. I don't have any money. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:03 So I used to deliver, I used to drive a van down to Chinatown, up to the Bronx. up in Harlem and we'd give out sandwiches and the people in the Bronx call me the mustard man because I would park the van and I'd hand out the mustard and be like, oh, that mustard man here and I'd be like, you know I'm giving you the mustard baby. You lean into it, dude. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:24 I lean into things so hard I'm going to fall over. Oh, yeah, no, I get it. My brother's got this, his church has got a thrift shop attached to it. And so like they were talking like probably the end of December. They were like, if anyone wants to volunteer for the thrift shop, Nobody does because there's weirdos over there. They were like, you know, we could use some people,
Starting point is 00:49:43 like the average age of the person that volunteers there is like 100. Yeah. So I was like, I'll do it. So Monday morning, I've been doing it like since January. That's great. For a couple hours, right? Oh, that's awesome. And it's mostly people drop their shit off.
Starting point is 00:49:54 Yeah. And like, it's a box of books or whatever. And like the guy that's 90 years old, he can't lift it up. So like I lift it up. I bring it aside to the old ladies who fold all the court. Yeah, yeah. And they, I'm like Jacob Allorty at this place. They think I am so hot.
Starting point is 00:50:08 and so young and I can live I'm like it makes me feel great you're a superhero I really am I'm like yeah yeah putting fucking bags yeah putting stuff on hangers and stuff like that yeah so it makes me feel like I'm like all right because it was like it's either that or I doomscroll yeah go to the gym for a little like it combines my day up a little yeah you know I love that I'm up early I got the kids so yeah I'm not sleeping in yeah I need to do that more man I it I it feels so good when you do it Yeah, I've already, I mean, there's been like eight Mondays, and I've already banged in twice where I'm like, it's snowing.
Starting point is 00:50:41 I'm not coming in. Like, my, yeah, I'm not coming in. But yeah, no, it's great. Like, the weirdos work over there. I love that. It's awesome. I love the weirdos. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:50 I love the fucking weirdos. Some, the guy that's allowed to price stuff. I'm not a lot of price stuff yet. Oh, you got to earn it. You got to earn the knowledge of being able to price stuff. But like, yeah, you can bring him in anything. He's like $2. I'm like, shit, dude.
Starting point is 00:51:02 Is that weird having a brother who's a priest? Like what's that like knowing him Prior to the pre-suit Yeah like he wasn't he wasn't always like like a holy You know but he was always like into it You know what I'm saying like he was always It was like his interest like the way I liked baseball It was always like he's like oh
Starting point is 00:51:20 Like if we were we were Alta boys And like you got to do like Weddings and stuff for extra cash You'd sign up Yeah He'd sign me to him up like in the summer And it'd be like five o'clock on a Saturday And he's like we gotta go
Starting point is 00:51:31 And I'm like I'm fucking swimming dude Yeah yeah yeah And he's like, oh, we've got to go. Yeah. I'm like, I'll go, but I'm getting the money. Yeah. He didn't care about the money. Like, he was always into.
Starting point is 00:51:41 Oh, that's great. Like, yeah. So, yeah. And he went right from college, right into the seminary. Yeah. So he was just always, like, that was his path the whole time. So to me, it was like, oh, yeah, he was sort of, that was his thing. And he went into it.
Starting point is 00:51:55 The priesthood is like, it's done, right? Oh, yeah. It's like, nobody's becoming first. Yeah. He literally runs three, like, three parishes on Long Island because there's like, no one joins. No one's like it's a dying industry. Yeah. In a lot of ways. And the people that a lot of the guys that do are like older people already and they're going to be dead soon too. Yeah. So yeah, like there's a lot of that person with accountability. It just doesn't exist anymore. That's
Starting point is 00:52:17 and a half of them anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so yeah. No, it's, it's like, it is, he is more like, in a way more popular in certain, like, than I am. Like in certain groups, people are like, are you Gregory's brother? That's so cute. Many, many times. That's. so cute. I had a thing in, man, because I, I, uh, you know, I've always like struggled with God and everything and, and, and I'm in a good place with it now, but man, it was, I was such a, I loved God so much when I was a kid. If I misbehaved my parents would take away my picture Bible. Oh, really? Like I just illustrated picture Bible. That was like a punishment for me. Like, yeah, go to church on Sundays. My dad and I would bring up the gifts. And it was never like, like, um, uh, it was always like a,
Starting point is 00:53:01 a loving like family. It was something, I think I just liked the idea of doing bonding. The bond and the family stuff. You know, we'd go to church and then, you'd have like donuts and stuff after and like that.
Starting point is 00:53:12 Well, we, so when I go with my grandparents would be in the morning, we'd have to dress up. But when I went with my dad, we went to Sunday Mass at 5 o'clock, and we could wear whatever we want.
Starting point is 00:53:20 Like, he would wear like jeans or whatever, and I could too. And so that, the, that church was like cool with like, you didn't, it wasn't, it wasn't,
Starting point is 00:53:27 you know, pious, you know. Yeah. And so I really love that. And then, you know, my dad died and all these things happened that made me just be like, this God's not real. Like this is, so I've struggled back and forth and I'm at a good place with it now
Starting point is 00:53:38 but there's this moment in, um, I think I was maybe like 22 or whatever. We were at my friend's, uh, beach house for, uh, his brother's graduation party and our high school priest was there who I always, he was like the cool priest everyone loved. And I was like, um, yeah, this is, you know, he would drive a Mercedes and fucking,
Starting point is 00:53:58 was always at people's house. this drinking and whatever. It was like, didn't you take a vow of poverty? Like, what do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like the cool priest.
Starting point is 00:54:05 And that always kind of rub me the wrong way. And we were at, um, this party and he got fucking wrecked. And the night before he passed out and fed, he didn't pass out. He just, he tripped and fell into the,
Starting point is 00:54:19 into the bay. And we had to pull him out of the water. And then the next morning, my friend's mom is like, get up. Father blah blah is doing a service. We have to go to the living room. He's doing service.
Starting point is 00:54:30 I'm like, that motherfucker fell into the bay. That's what I'm saying, dude. Now he's an abettable God? What are you talking about? I know, dude. If that's the case, I should be the fucking Pope. There's a lot of that stuff that happens where I'm like, like, my, you know, my dad passed away. So we're, like, me and my sister, my brother deal with my mom.
Starting point is 00:54:45 Yeah. And it's always like, I'm like, you don't get to like, you don't have superpowers now. Like enough, like, you got to go over there and help her with a fuck pack up for a fucking cruise. Like, I can't do, like, don't pull this like holier than everybody else. Yeah. Sometimes, like, we went on Sunday. sitting there. He's doing it in front of like 300 people. And I just want to be like, fuck, a loser.
Starting point is 00:55:05 Like a dick. What a dick. What a dick, you know? And just I have to fight that urge because he's my brother. Yeah. You know, like, yeah, like he was, he wasn't always holy. Like he chased us around with a knife one time and told us to fuck ourselves on Christmas. So funny.
Starting point is 00:55:25 You know, like, yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. So, like, that's the, I grew up with him. Yeah. So, like, yes, there is a level now. I respect what he does. But, like, I wanted to write, you know when the American Pope,
Starting point is 00:55:37 the guy that just became Pope? Leo, right? Yeah, the new one. Yeah, yeah. And they interviewed his brother. It was like a wild card. He was on, he had like 40 hours of like, oh, they were like, what do you think?
Starting point is 00:55:46 He was like, I think he's going to get rid of the gays. I'm telling that right now. Like they were like, whoa. Like, all of a sudden, like the Vatican was like, we got to rain in this mouthpiece a little bit, you know, all of a sudden. And that was it. And I'm like, oh, this would be a great show.
Starting point is 00:56:00 Like, all of a sudden, my brother becomes the Pope. Yeah. And I have to, like, live my life as a pious person now. I had an idea for a show, and I, like, pitched it and it never went anywhere. But it was called Steve Christ. It was about Jesus's brother, Steve, who, like, had to come back and, like, help Earth. And, like, nobody believed that he was, like, Jesus's brother. And it was just this, like, regular guy that was like a fuck up.
Starting point is 00:56:24 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, why didn't like attention? Yeah. Everybody loved this motherfucker. and I'm doing shit. Nobody talks about Steve. Oh, I never walked on water. I was busy running the family business
Starting point is 00:56:37 while my brother's out, jerking everybody off. And I got a news flash for you. There was a piece of plywood. It was shallow water, okay? He didn't walk on water. Yeah, he was a carpenter, right? You ever show up for the jobs? I showed up.
Starting point is 00:56:50 I was the one hammering the nails, okay? Yeah, he didn't die and come back to life. He got blackout drunk. He was a union carpenter, okay? Steve Christ, dude. He turned wine. He turned water to Perkins. I'll tell you right now.
Starting point is 00:57:04 I'll play Steve Christ, dude. Dude, I still want to make, I think that'd be so funny. Absolutely. The guy coming back to save Earth is not the guy. Animated, dude, you could do whatever you want. You could do it at whatever you want. I know, so much money. One of these nerds out here, does it?
Starting point is 00:57:19 Yeah, come on. For free a little bit, you know. And also, be nice to Steve. Also, be cool to me, guys. I'm a cool person. All right? I get, like, so over. overprotective of my friends like I'll pop off in the comments like we're fucking people
Starting point is 00:57:32 leave in but I'm like I'm gonna chill I get a I'm gonna chill you like my aunt Kathy would like I don't need you fucking chiming in lady she's like I'll tell you right now you didn't murder anyone on 9-11 and if anybody tells you different you tell them to come over to Aunt Kathy's house you like all right I know Aunt Kathy I get it I'll tell you this right now she would anyway there were people like the news reporters on the island like we're covered and they were like I don't listen to that guy anymore I don't watch that guy anymore. I don't, yeah, the people that are like, fuck that guy. It's awesome. I love it. You need that in your life, dude. Oh, of course. Yeah. Blind loyalty. Well, also, like, I, my lifelong best friend just
Starting point is 00:58:11 came and stayed with me in Nashville. Well, he didn't say, but he got a hotel across the street, but he'll come out to my gigs and we'll have, like, a guy's weekend or whatever. Like, I love keeping my old friends. Sure. That, like, don't give a fuck about my comedy. And they'll be in the green room. Like, so have you seen Ian's new travel show? He's like, I've got to be honest. I don't watch anything. Yeah, yeah. I really don't care. And I'm like, I want that more than the sycophonic, like, everything you do is great.
Starting point is 00:58:35 Like, I need to be constantly knocked down a peg so I don't ever take myself too serious. I love bringing my friends to do spots. Like I'll bring him in my friend, like my friend that worked, PJ that works. He used to work at the jail out in Riverhead. And so he just was like, you're going out, I'll come with you, right? And I, like, sit him down at the table. And he's talking like, Adrian Appalucci. And they're like, you like, you like this?
Starting point is 00:58:54 She's like, I want to kill myself. And the two of them are like, great, let's talk. It was like, yeah, miserable just met miserable. Yeah, it's a beautiful thing, dude. I love that. Like true people that stay grounded in that way. That's, that's, I mean, I live amongst them. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:11 So that's why I don't really get bothered by, yeah. So I live in Long Island now. It's like people, they kind of know what I do, but like they don't understand it. They don't know. They think I'm just like, they're like, are you in a union? Like, is that like, like, what do you mean? Like, you're like, so they get it, but they don't really, like, they go away on the weekends, but they're like, you're always around with the women during the day.
Starting point is 00:59:31 You pick up kids from school and stuff like that. So it's an anomaly to like what they think like, it's cool, but like I have a play play job. It's not real. Of course. Yeah. And I like that. I, dude, it was like so apparent how like dumb all this is.
Starting point is 00:59:48 My, uh, one of my other lifelong friends. He's a farmer in Jersey. He's a soybean farmer. And, uh, I remember I was talking to him on the phone one day. And, uh, he was like, God, man. I was like, what's wrong? like, I just got hemorrhids. I've been riding this combine since six in the morning to like eight at night.
Starting point is 01:00:03 You know, it's just bad on my back. And, you know, the soybeans just the fields aren't fertile and we haven't gotten rain and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, yeah. And he's like, what did you do today? I was like, I had an audition where I had to talk to a pile of laundry for a tied commercial. And the third line in, I'm saying to myself, I know this fucking line. I know it. And then I got in my head.
Starting point is 01:00:26 I said it out loud. and I was like, that's not real, that's not believable. You ever get that feeling when you're like, it's not believable? And the guy's like, what, I have friends come out of LA. I was doing a pilot with, what the fuck is her name? Heather Locklear. I was playing like her nemesis person in the office, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:46 Like, you know, like poking her. So there was a scene where she was, we were at a dinner, and she leans over me to get out of water. And it's just her ass. And so I brought my friend. and one of them was a New York City fireman, right? Let's go. So he's there, and he's like, caught, and they do it again.
Starting point is 01:01:05 Caught, they do it again. Caught, and she gets up, and they're like, all right, let's change the angle. So I go over to him, I'm like, fucking, what's up, dude? He's like, I'm sorry. He's like, what do you mean? I'm like, it's taking fucking forever because she can't remember a fucking line. Yeah. And he's like, oh, you mean Heather Locklear keeps putting herself over you time and time.
Starting point is 01:01:22 Two weeks ago, I had to pull a bag of juju beads out of a 500-pound woman in an elevator in fucking Harlem. He's like, okay, I got a little upset about how long that took.
Starting point is 01:01:32 I'm not really interested in seeing Heather Locklear draped over you like a rug and that's upsetting to you. You fucking loser. Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 01:01:41 That's what I love. I love that. Me too. I need that always. That's what really, I mean, that's what keeps you. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:48 You know, that's why like tires and all those fucking shows work. Because those guys still know the real people that live in those yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:56 And it taps in. to like the very real thing that makes people drawn to that kind of entertainment and job. Did you grow up playing baseball? No, I mean, I played some sports, but I wasn't good. Like I grew up at a time where there was one fucking team, one travel team, one high school team. Dude, I'm talking to my friends with kids and they're like, dude, these travel teams, it's like the grossest thing in the world. Like I just saw a video of Mariano Rivera talking about his glove growing up was a piece of cardboard. Cardboard, dude.
Starting point is 01:02:23 Milk cartons. And he was like, I was, I was, I couldn't. have been happier. I put it in my back pocket. I would go. I play. I always had my glove. And then you look at these like 10 year olds with like $300, you know, elbow guards. Of course, dude. It's so gross. Everything, dude. It's a business now. So yeah, I'm not like, uh, I was not a great athlete. I was never, I knew that I was never destined to be that. Baseball guy for some. Yeah, I played, but I was never like, good. Like if I was growing up now,
Starting point is 01:02:52 I probably would have played on a team or some sort of travel team and like been told I was good, even though, like, we were, like, it was different back then. So that, like, I was good, not good enough to play. I still, I, I stopped. I was good enough, but I stopped playing. And, um, I just still love the, the era of like 88 to, like, 93 baseball is my favorite era of all time. Juiced out. They were like fucking wrestlers, dude.
Starting point is 01:03:16 Well, I, I, I didn't like the Royd era. I liked the rough, like Dave Stewart smoke, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to murder you on this mound. Sure. baseball like slide tackle second base Ozzie Smith right past the fucking fist fight yeah yeah yeah yeah I love that era too when people yeah they really long
Starting point is 01:03:34 Lenny Dixer and Rick Dempsey at the dish just fight that 86 Mets team have you ever watched that documentary on ESPN dude Lenny Dyser did the podcast it was the crazy thing because I he was he was like I was a lifelong fan of his beloved and he came into the podcast and he shows up and he goes
Starting point is 01:03:51 I brought my teeth with me I go yeah and he goes yeah I can take him out if I got to eat some pussy. I was like, have you ever done a podcast? There's no pussy here. Was Jordan here that day? He was like, oh, God, dude. Yeah, right.
Starting point is 01:04:03 Yeah, right. No, we kept her away. No, he was the greatest. He told a story about how he spent $600,000 on private investigators to bribe umpires to shorten the strike zone the year he batted 400. $600,000 to get incriminating evidence on the fucking umpires, which, by the way, I'm sure he came up with some stuff. Oh, dude. He said, he said, uh, What the, like the first day, he gets, he gets a pitch.
Starting point is 01:04:29 And the Omp's like strike. And he's like, you sure that's a strike? And he goes, yeah, Lenny, it is. And he goes, you sure you weren't it, uh, Rick's Cabaret last night? That gay clubbing down? Yeah, yeah. He goes, ball. Dude, I'm telling us.
Starting point is 01:04:42 That's 400. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Crazy. That's, that's, that's, well. Make him like that no more. Yeah. You know?
Starting point is 01:04:48 That's, that's money well spent for, for what he, he needed. Dude, $600,000 dollars. Is that crazy? Yeah. Well, umpires were dirty, dude. Umpires got busted one time because they, we used to get flown first class. I think they still do. But they were trading in their tickets for coach tickets and then keeping the money.
Starting point is 01:05:04 No shit. Cashing it, dude. Not paying taxes on it, the whole fucking thing. God damn. Yeah, dude. I just saw this clip of the first female umpire in Major League Baseball. It was like her highlight reel. Her husband.
Starting point is 01:05:20 It's her husband. The highlight real was like the catcher. like catching out of here and like framing it and she's like strike it's like every pitch is off dude now it's going to get embarrassing have you seen they have the challenge system i hate it i hate it have you been watching spring train i kind of like it because it doesn't take that long but i do think you're going to get a game where someone's going to be like challenge like an umpire's going to be like he's going to go oh for 10 and it's going to be like at some point you can be sport great human error i love human error i think that is what makes things amazing is
Starting point is 01:05:54 dealing with human error. The strike is not perfect. You got the manager coming out. You argue it resets. It riles your team up. You're going to lose arguments. You're going to lose arguments. But you're going to lose passion and you're going to lose the thing that makes the sport great, which is grit and the old school tenacity of being able to look and see and adjust.
Starting point is 01:06:12 When you have something that is like definitively yes or no, this is robot. It's I just think it takes it out. The thing is, it's like because the game is evolved, not just the game. The game has stayed the same. but like the way we watch it, there used to be like three cameras at the baseball stadium. And now there's 600 with drones and stuff. I hate it.
Starting point is 01:06:31 It's tough when you sit there at home and go, oh, they got it wrong. We know everyone knew it, but the one guy who's in charge of getting it right. And the big thing that once they legalize gambling, now it's like now you're like you're fuck with people's money. So now people are like, you better get it right.
Starting point is 01:06:52 Or. Yeah, But that's terrible too. Or if you're going to leave it up to like them just to kind of have human error, you're going to get people always looking at like Gam, are they on the take? Are they throwing the game? Right. So there's always that now.
Starting point is 01:07:06 It's like the fucking state of the union's address where they're like, it's the longest one in history. And it clocked in an X amount of time where their bets being made on how long this speech would be. What about Cali not paying for Ayatoli Kameney's fucking death? Wait, wait, wait. So $50 million. Is Cali? gambling thing? Yeah, Cal she's a gambling. It's like Polymarket. Oh shit. Yeah, yeah. We just got hit up to
Starting point is 01:07:27 work with Calci and I thought it was a serial. Promo code Ian for 20% out. No, no, no. I don't Calci. I don't do any gambling stuff anymore. I don't do any weed or alcohol or gambling addiction stuff. I don't do that anymore. All right. I don't want to be a part of it, but we just got asked to do Calci and I thought that was the cereal. No, no. It's a, it's like polymarket. And they're in trouble right now because they they've had a thing will iatoa commini leave office by i think it was like march third right well he left office because they exploded him in the middle yeah office in the sky
Starting point is 01:08:01 on like the second and they were like we're not paying and they were like what he's gone like he didn't leave like it's it's it's the semantics that's crazy and but it's like you know there's people there's a lot of people that you know bet money on it so i don't like that yeah so i don't like that's the reason why the technology's starting to take over in most sports sports, baseball more specifically. Because that's the way it's going now. So that people can gamble and make money. Yeah, and not feel like they're getting ripped off.
Starting point is 01:08:26 But it happens now. Like, there was a guy, there's a pitcher last year who's now suspended because he got caught. Like, he would, people bet, like,
Starting point is 01:08:36 exorbitant amounts of money on that he would throw a ball the first pitch. Right. And, like, he would throw up one, like, in the stands. And then,
Starting point is 01:08:43 like, the next five will be right down the middle. Yeah, yeah. And he fucked it up. Like, and between the fact that, like,
Starting point is 01:08:49 you know, now gambling so regulated that, like, they know basically how much money that people gamble on almost every single thing out there. Like, for the first pitch of the Cleveland fucking Guardians game, people are probably going to bet $100, maybe $200 total. Now it's $45,000 on that. Right. Red flag goes up and now everyone's getting investigated. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:09 And the bullshit of it all is that Pete Rose is still not in the Hall of Fame. And he's dead. Yeah. And he never will be now. I know. And now they want to put him in it. And now it's like, fuck you. Which he did say.
Starting point is 01:09:19 the end of his documentary, do not put me in it after I'm done. He goes, this is for me, dude. Yeah. I loved Pete Rose. He was like, this is, I want to, I want to be in the, I don't, I don't, I'm sure my kids would be fine, but they know that how much it wouldn't, I want to be there. I want to be the one accepting my fucking thing. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:37 And then now they want to throw him in there. That's so sanctimonious to put him in now after he died. It's like, fuck you. And I hope they don't, because I hope they respect his wishes. Yeah. I hope they do something and put a statue of him on the outside, maybe, you know, But I just, it's, I know. It's ridiculous now.
Starting point is 01:09:54 It's him doing that Charlie Hustle slide, but he's got a lot of ticket in his hand. Yeah, he's, him breaking someone's knees that didn't fucking do what he wanted him to do. Yeah, it's the truth, dude. God, he was the fucking best. He was the man, dude. I saw him one time in a casino in Vegas because that's what he did. He would sign autographs and stuff like that and making money at the end. You talk to him?
Starting point is 01:10:12 No, because I was just like, you know, I walked by, you wave, you know, is kind of that thing. But, yeah, I need a cameo. too. I saw Daryl Strawberry at the airport and I walked by him and I said, thank you for everything. And he went, all right. Thank you for everything.
Starting point is 01:10:27 Fuck this up. Yeah. What's the fucking I talking about? You're a little more specific kid. Fucking moron. All right. Thanks. The Coke.
Starting point is 01:10:36 The years of fucking neglect. The three heart attacks I've had recently. For having the greatest fucking swing of all time. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I mean. That swing is so fucking huge.
Starting point is 01:10:48 He was such. a monster when he came up. He was such a fucking monster, dude. I couldn't imagine being that young. I was so jealous. I was such a Yankee fan. You were a Yankee fan. You're from Long Island.
Starting point is 01:10:59 Yeah, I know. But my dad was from the Bronx, so that's how it goes. So yeah, it goes, it's like having both him and Gooden on the same team, I was like, oh, dude, he's lucky fucks. Being that young in the 80s in New York, being with that team, how do you not just blow it all on Coke? I know. I mean, their documentary was.
Starting point is 01:11:19 Wild. It was pretty, I mean, they, they probably pushed it to the limit as most, as much as you possibly can with still winning. With still winning. But, but dude, that, that doc couldn't story about like the night of the World Series or whatever, or the day of the parade, he's like just in a fucking crack house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So fucking brutal. Crazy, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:11:41 But even so, he was, he had a resurgence, both of them with the Yankees. Like, insane, the amount of talent. Or a no hitter. Jesus Christ. Strawberry won two World Series with the Yankees. Insane. God, baseball sucks now. Nobody is fucking hard-nose anymore.
Starting point is 01:11:58 They have more fun now. They're allowed to have so much more fun, dude. That's all fun. What's their fun? They flip the bat. They fucking do dances. I mean, it takes them an hour to run around the band. It's disrespectful.
Starting point is 01:12:07 I know, but you can't throw it anyone anymore because you're going to get suspended. Yeah, you can't railroad them at home. No, you can't. It's fucking terrible. By the way, have you watched heated rivalry? No. Speaking of sports. Oh, God.
Starting point is 01:12:18 Oh, dude. But it wasn't hockey. It was me and a boy that played soccer. Shout out, you know who you are. I won't say your name because legally you said I can't. Just kidding. I watched it. Yeah?
Starting point is 01:12:31 Yeah. I mean, it's not great. No? Not just because, I mean, it's the sex scenes are, you know. Yeah. I watch the same way I watch the pit. I fast forward through the gross stuff. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:12:45 Why? Because it brings up feelings you've neglected. Neglected in my heart. Yeah, yeah. It is very graphic, dude. I haven't seen it. It's very graphic. Really?
Starting point is 01:12:53 The third episode is really good. Like, it's great. That's what I heard. I heard it like, it's like beat you over the head with gay sex and then it gets good. Yes. Yeah. You kind of, it's just sort of like a little bit of skating flash forward to like and then they're fucking suck at each other's dicks. Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 01:13:09 Do you see the dicks? You don't really? I don't know. No. No. I, one of the guys have a real helmet. I never saw any dicks. And then after I started fast forwarding, I just was.
Starting point is 01:13:18 like, all right, I'm good. But yeah, they were showering and butt sex and you know, who's like dominant who's the Russian guy. You know, it's, it's not great, but it's only six episodes.
Starting point is 01:13:34 And there's not going to be another season? It's just one season. Oh, I'm sure there'll be another season. I think everyone loved it. What are you giggling about? Yeah, I don't hear you making a mess over there anymore. I don't hear you fucking fumbling around with fucking trying to stop myself.
Starting point is 01:13:49 You're really paying attention to this part now. You're like, which episode is the most gay sex? I want to know which ones to skip. Yeah. Everyone, there's no, there's no episode free of gay sex. So none of them. Wow. The third one, probably my favorite episode, probably has some of the most gay sex. Really?
Starting point is 01:14:06 Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Just, it happens to be a byproduct. I'm off pornography. I haven't looked up the, I've, I've got to get there. I have looked at pornography less than five times. since December.
Starting point is 01:14:20 Wow. And I feel so good. Yeah, well, then don't watch the show. The porn I've looked at. Don't watch the show. Shout out Kazumi. Oh, my God, really. So when you go, you said five times since January?
Starting point is 01:14:33 Probably five times. Are you in for sessions then? Or is it just a quick sort of release? Dude, I honestly think even less than five if I'm really being honest. And, but when I, I've, I've watched pornography, probably. probably less than five times. I've jacked off maybe 10 times total. Multiple times in that umbrella has been on FaceTime with a gal.
Starting point is 01:14:58 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other times I've jacked off have been to videos and pictures she sent me. So I'm like off pornography. Can I ask you a question? Go for it. When you do the jack off for your FaceTime, I've never done this before. And I've been married a long time. It's just not part of our thing.
Starting point is 01:15:12 I'm never, we're never going to do that. Really? Yeah, never. You don't think you'll, you're in Cleveland, she's back in. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Never. That ship has sailed.
Starting point is 01:15:23 But my question for you is, if you, let's say, finish before her, what do you, you just kind of hang out there? No, we finish at the same time. How do you do that? All the time? When we've done it, yeah. You're faking it. No.
Starting point is 01:15:37 Tell that to my fucking neck. What do you mean? When I shoot. Oh, my God. You shoot it onto your neck? Oh, it really turns me on. So you lay down and I have a skull
Starting point is 01:15:50 On the middle of my chest And sometimes I'll come and give my skull A face shot Oh my God You shoot it onto yourself Yeah I lay down and Is that a gay thing? Is that no?
Starting point is 01:16:03 I don't know Where do you shoot on the floor You stand and shoot Sometimes I have poor circulation I think I can't come and stand up We're gonna pass out It just doesn't work I think I can either be
Starting point is 01:16:15 When you stand up Stand up, your erection goes away. I have to be laying down in order to come. Wait a minute. Is this weird? Come or just get an erection? Huh? Come or just get an erection?
Starting point is 01:16:28 Can you get an erection stand up? Yeah, yeah. I can get an erection. Okay. But you're saying all that stimulation makes you. Standing up and jacking off. Yeah. I can't come.
Starting point is 01:16:39 You can get past. I have to sit down. I have to lay down or I have to be on top. So you never jerk off in the shower? No. Interesting. Not a shower guy. Okay.
Starting point is 01:16:48 I don't know what that is. That's usually my spot. No, but well, you'll put the camera. The first time we did it, I didn't want her to see me. Yeah. Because I was embarrassed of myself. Okay. So when I was like, come.
Starting point is 01:16:59 I would never put. Oh, I dropped the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That would be my move every time. No, no. But then recently it's been like put it and then watch. You watch and then I watch you.
Starting point is 01:17:09 Oh, so one at a time. Huh? Wait, you said I watch you and then you watch me? No, through the camera. We both can see. Got it, got it, got it. Okay. Interesting.
Starting point is 01:17:17 Okay. I always was wondering, I'm like, what? Dude, what if... You know what? I know it's like sex, but like... I'm on the road this weekend. No, no. I'll teach you.
Starting point is 01:17:26 I'll show you. Come on. We'll have a long distance. I'm going to come way faster than you, dude. It's going to be a problem. I'm going to be so embarrassed. Well, dude, there's a pressure. What do I do?
Starting point is 01:17:36 You're like, just keep looking at me. Dude, just keep looking at me. Move the camera closer to your eyes, boy. There's a pressure, though, because it's like, Oh, God, what if I can't come? Exactly. I'm just sitting there and I'm like, well, you could fake it and be like, oh, whoops. I know.
Starting point is 01:17:51 That would be my move every time. Yeah. And then I would just jerk off later on thinking about it. No, it's hot. Yeah, it sounds super hot. Yeah. Give me your number. Let me see.
Starting point is 01:18:03 Be mean in the comments. Just let her teach me how to do it. It's just a class thing. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's, it's, yeah. So I'm really happy that I haven't been looking at porn. I haven't been jerking off. I've cleaned up my algorithm.
Starting point is 01:18:18 I feel so much better. Mentally, physically. I feel so much better all across the board. It was just like too much. I saw something that you can't really be a great man until you have control over your... Interesting. What was the word they used for like sexual desire over your like basically sexual desire?
Starting point is 01:18:40 Interesting. Like you have to have control over that. Otherwise you're not ever really fully... It's almost. the one thing you need most control over. Because things will succumb, like you will make mistakes and poor decisions if you, you know,
Starting point is 01:18:55 and it's a hard thing to do. Yeah. I'm sure it's probably, you know, you're probably like sometimes like a little horny and you're like, why don't I just do, like it's, it's probably easy.
Starting point is 01:19:04 Yeah. But it's got to be hard to kind of, lean yourself off. Yeah. I'm telling you, man, change of my algorithm has helped so much because I'm no longer scrolling and seeing you had to block people. Something that may,
Starting point is 01:19:12 I've, I had to, I've, I've gone through an. unfollowed so many, like, hot accounts. That's what I'm saying. Once something would pop up, I'd go in and go not interested in seeing this. Yep.
Starting point is 01:19:23 So that it, because, dude, I'd be having a regular day. I'd go on my phone. I know. I'd see the biggest, best butt I've ever seen. And then I'd be in this mode of like, yep. And I'm like, dude, this is doing something to me that is not good. I was not put on earth to behave this way. I never did this before.
Starting point is 01:19:40 Yeah. Yeah. I worked all through the 90s without thinking about jerking off during the day. It's been like a horny sexual guy. Yes. But I've always been able to go, that's hot. I recognize moving on. I'll think about that later.
Starting point is 01:19:51 This will put you in a mode of like, why not now? I must retire to my chamber and check out hanging. Because it's all right there. You could just go, I can solve the problem. Something about the phone makes you go, I can get her. I bet if I send a heart emoji, you'll see it. And then see, I have a blue check.
Starting point is 01:20:07 Yeah. It's so not real. It makes you believe something that's not real. Yeah, yeah. It's no good. That's great, though. I feel so much better. Did you have to read a book?
Starting point is 01:20:14 book or something to do it? No. You just set a challenge for yourself? I just told myself I was sick and tired of like feeling that way. And so I like really... I bet your chick probably likes it too because you're probably more present. That's the thing I know. I'm like, sometimes I'm like, I'm like, babe, let's have sex.
Starting point is 01:20:29 And I'm like, I just, because it's been a couple days or whatever. And I'm like, oh, like, I don't even necessarily like, thought. I didn't think I was like, I'm not horny. I'm like, oh, but like it's been a couple days. Like, we got to do it. Like I'll just like, you know what I'm saying? it's like it makes it almost in the thing where I'm like every couple days
Starting point is 01:20:48 I have to do this rather than just kind of letting it happen organically. Well we're like she lives far away so these are the only moments we have is I mean we face sign like all the time and stuff which is really nice but what's her address?
Starting point is 01:21:02 The physical when you like to know you little pervert you little fucking horny gnome come on but yeah I don't know I feel like I'm having way more of a healthier relationship with sex and things like that than I have had in a very long time. And I feel good about that. Especially like building a connection with someone that's not just based in physicality.
Starting point is 01:21:30 It's like, whoa, like you really have to know and understand and talk. And like, I don't know. I really like like just like sharing the mundanities of the day with someone. Yep. And then that that's like brings. joy instead of just like, oh, there's someone horny in my pocket. I know. I also find that, like, comedy lends itself to, like, the filth.
Starting point is 01:21:53 So I get enough filth through comedian friends. Yeah, yeah. I don't need to add on extra hot people and extra things like that. How long have you been married? Almost, it'll be 20 years in the fall. Get out of here. Yeah, dude. Wow.
Starting point is 01:22:04 I'm married 2006, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. Incredible. It's great. But, like I said, like, our, we're never, we didn't even send me, we don't send picture. Really?
Starting point is 01:22:15 I've never taken a dick pick, send a dick pick. And you don't think that'll ever be like, the next act in the play of your love. Never, never. We'd probably start anal before we started sending pictures through the mail. She thinks it's the cloud. She thinks it's going to be like,
Starting point is 01:22:32 yeah, she's like, yeah, she thinks she's Carolyn Bissette. Like she's going to send me a picture of her ass and the next day it's going to be on a tabloid. But that's, you know, I'm like, babe, it's just for me. She thinks I'm going to, like, show it on a podcast, you know, which, you know, who knows? Like, look who I got, you know.
Starting point is 01:22:49 Tune in for the Patreon. Steve's wife, Lexa Kimbo. Never seen before. Never seen before. Never seen before. Like, Patreon. Never seen before. Patreon.
Starting point is 01:23:10 If I just was like, oh. You know, like, I don't mind when we're having sex. I know when she wants to have an orgasm when she's just like, you can have, it's for you tonight, which is awesome. I appreciate that too. But like,
Starting point is 01:23:23 if we were going to get to the point where we were going to face time each other and do it, we both probably want to do it, and I'm going to probably come real quick because that's going to be super hot, especially the first time. Yeah. The first time I'm going to come.
Starting point is 01:23:35 So. But that could be a cool thing for you guys to try. Hello. Hold on, hold on. The camera fell. Hold on the camera film. The camera fell. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:23:49 Well, dude, this was so fun. It was a blast, dude. Yeah, thank you for having me again. This place looks great. Always, thanks. Tell the people at home what you want them to check out. Oh, I just got on Punch Up. So all my dates are on Punch Up.
Starting point is 01:24:00 Steve Renazizi punched up live. It's great. I got some clips there. And I'll be in Toronto at Backroom Comedy Club at the end of March. Key West Comedy Club. All the dates are at Steve Renazizi.com. and the link there to punch up. Amazing.
Starting point is 01:24:16 Yeah, dude. Everybody come see me on the road. I will be in Kansas City. Kansas City, March 20th to 21st, the Funny Bone, and then I'm off for two weeks. Shout the fuck out. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to grip it and rip it.
Starting point is 01:24:34 And you might see me skiing. You might see me up in the woods. But either way, I am so looking forward to it. And then I'm hitting it heavy. I'm going to be in Hartford, Connecticut, Calgary, Alberta. Canada, Long Beach, New York, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Los Angeles, May 6 for Netflix as a Joe Comedy Festival at the Hollywood Improv, then I'm in Albany, Cleveland, Detroit, Syracuse,
Starting point is 01:24:56 Appleton. I'm going all over. Ian Fidance.com for tickets. Ian Doe, an odd guy doing odd jobs, my travel show, produced by YMH, it is out now. We're having fun. We're having a blast. I watched an episode. It's great, dude.
Starting point is 01:25:08 Get out of here. The one when you went to the, what should the blacksmith was, yeah, yeah, yeah. Terry Blacks. Yeah. Oh, thanks. I appreciate. that. I'm having so much fun, man. It's great. Dude, I'm, I'm loving it.
Starting point is 01:25:18 And people are loving it too. I really appreciate YouTube.com slash Ian Finance Comedy. And Ian Dueshow on Instagram, Patreon.com slash be an Ian Pod to join for bonus early episodes and punchup.com slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. Check her
Starting point is 01:25:34 out on the road. Watch her special. And we love you so much. We'll see you next week. Bye guys. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a bear stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government
Starting point is 01:26:23 in Canada.

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