Bein' Ian With Jordan - Heavenly Baba W/Ismael Loutfi | Bein' Ian with Jordan #193

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

Hilarious comedian & friend of the show Ismael Loutfi stops in to chat about his PHENOMENAL one-man show Heavenly Baba (running Thursdays-Saturdays starting April 2nd-25th at the Soho Playhouse 15 Vandam St in NYC), plus his hookup with Jordan, Kristi Noem's husband, & Ian gives more deets on the Bert Kreischer bus fire. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Get 10 free meals + a free Nutribullet Ultra Plus+ 2-in-1 Compact Kitchen System on your 3rd box at http://HelloFresh.com/ska10FM Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Ismael! https://instagram.com/ismaelcomic Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Telling jokes and having smokes riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being in Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being in

Being in And life is shit which are positive Let's find out what it's like to live Aligh Being in With Jordan Welcome back to another episode She doesn't mind that noise

So weird Because it doesn't sound like a quiff She hates quiffs Welcome well look She's got to be around Queef Queen Dude she loves cum though Oh do you know that

Yeah you shouldn't know that Wow do you know she loves come She'll be like licking a spot on me And I'm like what is that And then I'm like oh that's dried cum Why do you have dried cum on your body They don't have birth control. Do da.

But how long are you laying in the truck? Showering or? I shower today. How often do you shower? It's bad. Less than this many? Yeah. This many?

A week? You're asking? Mm-hmm. Once a week? It doesn't have to be a long thing. You can just take five minutes. What's wrong with the shower? Do you don't like being wet?

I didn't like being wet as a kid. I loved being wet as a kid and I don't like it as an adult. I'm the opposite. What's that about? goes down on you. Stinky. I'm not a huge fan of that. I don't get stinky,

but also he, like, is into all of it. Stinky. If I work out, I definitely shower. Oh. But. So you're not working out a lot right now? No, I'm working out like twice a week.

I'll admit. I worked out last night, didn't shower. Wow. After this, well, I did resistance fans. Okay. After this, I'm going to go to the gym, get a big workout.

Then I'll shower. Yeah. I shower every other day. I just have a lot of hair. It takes so long for it to drive. I'm not shaming you. I'm in every other day shower. You don't got to do your hair every time.

You can skip your hair. Sometimes I jump in and just do a blood wash. Wouldn't it be cool? You know when a kid has cancer and everyone shaves their head to make them feel seen? Sure. Let's get in a group chat and we'll shower when you shower. Okay. The summer of stinky.

Okay. Okay. It's not stinky though. I really don't get that stinky because I'm a dry, I'm a dry girl. That is stinky. Hang on. Here, smell me. Oh, God, that is bad.

That's good. That's bad. Yeah, no, I don't think you're... I just showered before coming here. Really? Are you not... Are you not deodorizing? No, I don't...

Dude, maybe you shouldn't shower. Maybe when you shower. when you shower it like I don't get the point it's like I'm just fucking all the time doing spots I go home I play in the park it's like what's the point it takes five minutes it's like a mental health thing it's good for your brain yeah it's like hygiene

it's not it dries out my skin to get the water it's good everything feels better if I just I mean I wash but what about like a wet wipe coconut oil and wipe down the vagina I make sure that that thing is nice no I don't think I think it's more like a well-rounded balanced human thing like see I don't even have roommates You should just, you should just. Let me smell that one.

That one's worse than the other. I prefer this to the odorant smell. But if you were attracted to, if you wanted to fuck me, you'd be into it. If I was in love with you, I would love that. Right. Yes, that's true. I like stinky when I'm in love. Yeah.

And this is good to know, this is the test to see if I love you. That's really what we should be doing. Yeah. Dating apps. You should meet up and smell. Dating apps should be no, it should be no picture and just a, smell yeah and it'll be called um stinker i have a problem where the guy that i'm dating showers the second he gets back from work and it really bothers me and it like leads to fights no i'm like i can't what

am i supposed i need the pheromones i need the stinky stuff i can't deal you know i got to my my my chick doesn't use deodorant and stuff and after a shower it can get to that but i like that yeah i like when i like you i like the musk and the stink and the everything i'm i i like you i like the musk and the I also have the problem that I have long COVID. So do you think you're doing this is like a distress signal to him to bring him in? I never do that. I never wear a deodorant. Oh.

You know that I don't. But you can't smell it unless you're in my armpit. That's true. Yeah, you don't have like a shootout stink. No, it's not helpful. I got in a cab last night and the guy. Oh, man. Stunk.

Well, it's an unfortunate fact that there are certain foods that, that really get out of your, well, it's not the race. He was white. It pains me to say this. He was white. He was white. White and stinky. Was he like a white guy? Or was he like Russian or something? You, probably like, like, he's stinky is way worse than a brown guy is thinking. Russian. Russian, well, then his eating. And he pissed me off because he would not listen to me and tell him how to get to my place.

He was like, just tell me the streets. I hate that so much. Dude. Can I just say that is my biggest pet peeve? Give me your fucking phone. I'll type it into the GPS and then go there. Stop asking for the cross streets because I don't want to go to the cross street.

I want to go to my house. See, I don't do that because I don't want them to know where I live because I think that maybe one day they could come back. What? He couldn't get there from the cross streets. No, he wanted the cross streets.

I didn't want even the cross streets. I wanted take the bridge, take this exit, 10 streets up, leave me alone. That's what I do. I don't want them with the address and I don't want them with the cross streets. God forbid,

They got a crew of guys that they tell where I live, and then they come with ski mask and fucking try to get one in. Why wouldn't they just go to a random person's house? Because they see that I have money. Get it away from my dog. Because I tip well. Do you see that you have money? Because I tip well.

Are you not taking Uber? You're taking a lot of taxis. A lot of yellow cabs? Yellow cabs. Well, then you should be allowed to do whatever you want. In a yellow cab? You're helping this economy, whatever. When they want my address, I give them the bar down the street.

I get so fucking anger. and when I'm driving in like one of those Teslas or something and they keep pushing on the brake and then heading on the guy I get so pissed. You mean like a Waymo? No, no, love a Waymo. Waymo better. Waymo better.

Waymo better. Waymo better. Hold on. Fart proof, friendly. Waymo. Fun to talk on the phone in. You can lay down. Sex.

Way mo. Waymo better. I say waymo better. The waymo is way mo than I need. From a ride. You don't like Waymo. So you don't like it. Oh, I love it.

They go the speed limit. They are slow. It is weird. It is isolating. God forbid something happens. I'm going to have some guy come on and be like, hey, a new car will be on the one. I don't want, no, no. Put a fucking human in there and let me go.

I concur with Ian. The saddest thing I got picked up in Oklahoma City. I hate driving with another human. Me and the driver are going to the hotel. And he goes, Ian, take a look out there. What do you see? And it's a parking lot full of Waymo's. I go, man, I don't know.

It's like 50 self-driving cars. He goes, I know. They're going to take over and I'm going to be out of a job in about a year and a half. And I was like, fine, get a real job. This is way most sad than I was expecting. Not let it happen. Get a real job. He probably had another job.

That is a real job. And then he got this job. You don't think driving cars is a real job? It's not a good job. It used to be. used to be able to work what is he what do you

what's the matter you look like a Sith Lord right now James what do you sign about we're all gonna lose our jobs Waymo you can't it's a real job driving cars are a real job you can't stop why is driving cars not a real job it is a real job but I'm just saying you can't

stop technology there's no reason to be like we have to keep people in business so that Waymo they will take over they are safer they are better Ted Kaczynski had the right idea we should stop technology It is horrific and horrible. I have a lot going on so I can't send out mail bombs. But if you want to be a hero out there, you know what to do.

Don't do that. Manjurian candidate, activate. I love it. I watched the AI documentary two nights ago. Which one? It's called the AI documentary. I thought it was about Alan Iverson. Come on, guys.

There's Waymo where that came from. I am finally feeling good. I had my first AI scare the other day when Bobby Kelly took a picture of me and Ari talking and then turned his phone around and it just was me and Ari making out and I was like okay okay okay this is crazy yeah put that on the internet and it just like ruins a lot yeah it was crazy you know about christie noem's husband those pictures just leaked where he's got fat maimmer jammer knockers because he's a cross dresser do you think that's real or is it a sigh up I think say it on three one two three real real and dreams come true

Also, the fact that one nipple was so, I feel like AI would have at least. I know, it looked like you trying to make eye contact. I know, I know. I know. I'm surprised they haven't said that it was AI. They haven't just gone. That's not real. That is not real.

Why don't they say that? That's a clear excuse for anything. Yeah. I can say that about everything now. A clip goes bad. I get 3,000 views on a clip. Yeah, that was an AI clip. Dude, we put Eric put out an AI clip once, and everybody was like, this is slop.

Fuck this. Fuck this. Eric, who? Our clip guy. What was AI about it? True, I appreciate you, but no more AI. What was AI about it? I think there was one where, like, we were singing,

and then we, like, morphed into something. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I'll say this. I like, I hate AI. I hate ChatchipT. And I like that people like it because that tells me to not like them. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs.

I'll race you. I'm Ian Fiatian. They are. And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH.

I got a rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? It's a great litmus test. Yeah. uses chat GPT, you're not intelligent. I use it every day.

Well, there you go. You're not morally intelligent. How about that? I would never argue to be morally intelligent. I think you're backtracking. I am a little bit.

You're backtracking. I was going to say you're the exception. Oh. You can think I'm not intelligent, but I'm sending pictures of menus and saying please do find me in something I can eat that's anti-inflammation diet. And it tells me exactly what I should order. I know, but you also use it for advice and stuff. No, I don't do that anymore.

Anymore. I did that through the breakup so that I didn't make contact, sure. Wow. Totally. That's sad. I don't like that at all. It's bad. Totally is bad.

You know, I know it's bad is because any of the information I've taken in from, like, I've also had to be like, you know, explain like the Syrian conflict at a ninth grade level or something, and you actually can't retain the information that it tells you. You have to read it. So I've stopped using it for anything like that. but like for being on the road and being like, I need a hotel that's close to a park that's dog friendly.

It'll just pull it up and I do that. I use it on the road a lot. I use friends. And then they say use AI. And I say, no, we are friends and I'm supposed to annoy you. And they say you are. So you use AI. And it's a fun circle.

I've just always been the person that's like if the technology is going to be there, I will learn to use it. I'm not going to be somebody who's... I'm against it. That's so funny because you're such like an upstate hippie, you would think that you would not use it and like you're so crunchy. Because it's like you'll use AI,

but you won't use a shower. I'm not anti... It's crazy. It's also a weird thing where I find that AI is the first technology that older people are using a lot more than younger people. Totally. Which usually technology is the opposite,

but when I worked it after midnight, every old comedian we had on, they were just, instead of Google, they were just chat GPT, what would be a funny joke about spaghetti and they would all just and it would make me thick like you're fucking stupid. I will say every time I hit the chat GBT button

there is a part of me that feels not guilt but like there is something that I'm like it's almost feels like like a poor diet. Sure. Yeah because a bunch of fucking water was just used for you to be like what hotels close? Yes there's that and mentally it's making you

dumb or slowly for sure. Yeah for sure. sure everything's making us dumber slowly that's not true not everything name something going for a walk idiot

all right got me yeah I mean it is bad I mean it's I do agree that it's bad but I do it's gonna take over well convenience and safety is it's going to take over eventually convenience and safety is the deaths of freedom we will always choose convenience over

we will always choose convenience and the guise of safety and the guys of safety over our own freedoms rights and any sort of work towards not letting this stuff take over. So it's like no coincidence that we're at the laziest times now than ever. And everyone's like, yep, boop, perfect. Let me be clear, though, if there was something that was like, we're going to do a five-day shutdown, no shows, no use of anything in order to get AI heavily restricted, I would 100% be on board for that.

Yeah. I think it should be heavily restricted. And I think Instagram should like basically be like monitored and, like no data analysis is legal. Wait, what do you mean monitored? Like basically you can't extract anybody's data. Like you can't. Right, right, right.

But not monitored, like, spied on or everything. There should be like throttles in terms of data sharing, but not like we're monitoring. You can't say this. You can't do this. Not that. No, I mean, there are some stuff that I do think should be monitored. I do think that some shit on Twitter should be chilled out, like violence and something. Oh, I think Twitter should be unplugged.

I think it should be mail-bombed. No, no, like gotten rid of. Well, Iran has been threatening to bomb a whole bunch of tech companies. So we just pray for that. Are they threatening that? Yeah, they're like, we're going to bomb Oracle. We're going to bomb chat JPT. We're going to bomb Twitter.

They're just saying that. They're not going to do it. But they keep saying it. And I'm like, fuck it out. I mean, that makes me be like, whoa, Ayatollah rock and roller. Let's go. Remember when ISIS? Remember if somebody would, like, trip and fall at the pool and ISIS would be like, we did that.

we made them fall. Oh, yeah. You remember that? Dude, I says they're posers. They're so funny. It's so funny to just take credit. A woman gets raped. Like, we did die.

For every bad thing. Every bad thing. That was us. That was us. David Bell, we died. We did that. We're running out of Tomahawk missiles.

Free run. Huh? What's going to happen with what? The whole conflict. You probably have cousins. I don't have cousins any run. You probably know the skinny. I don't necessarily.

some shit. I think we're gonna give, I think America's gonna give up. I think we have a few days away from just going, all right, never mind. Oh, and then we'll have to pay for oil every time they go through the straight of Hormuz.

Yeah, something like that's gonna happen. We don't have what it takes to fucking do another ground invasion. Yeah, no, I think China's just waiting. Dude, China, they're so cool and scary.

Did you know what's crazy? We've been told our whole life's China, big, communism, blah, blah, and then like, I don't know if it's propaganda or not, but a lot of, like, stuff comes out of China. where it's like, oh, they actually kind of got a figure out.

This is kind of cool. They got so much shit figured out. Should I learn Mandarin? Do I go over there? You shouldn't, but your grandkids will. They'll learn Mandarin. You think life's going to be around for grandkids? Yeah, it'll be terrible.

Yeah, what do you think it's going to be? It's just, it's going to be... Like the Matrix? No, not the Matrix. It's just going to be everything crumbling and planes blowing up all the time and bridges collapsing and people's minds. Like the Matrix, like the matrix where they're all plugged into, like the real world. It is just crumbling.

The sky is gray. Yeah, but there won't be a thing that you're plugged into. That'll just be life. I think you'll be able to plug in. Really? I think I need to learn how to forage. We all do. We're all plugged in.

Right now? Yeah, we just look at the screen. With our phones? Yeah. Yeah, but right now we're not plugged in. That's not. Right now, but if it's still a tool. They're still effectively a tool.

They're not. And if you use them too much, you're the tool. you're the tool. It's almost there. How much people look at it. Maybe our grandkids, maybe. Have you met Gen Z? They literally are Instagram.

Like their personality is Instagram. There's a pullback among a lot of them, like Jen Alfa and everything, to not be a part of that. Like a lot of people do like 90s weekends where they like unplugged, they go out, they do stuff like that. Like I think there is a big pullback

from being so involved in technology, which I think is good. Everybody talks about the pendulum, but they never talk about. talk about the pendulum falling off the fucking, you know, hooks to keep it swinging, you know. Yeah. Huge feet, Jordan.

I know. Size 10. Cool. See my cock. I have. Shut up. It's an outy. It's not an outty.

That was a call back to the Patreon. Oh, fuck. I don't want to be dogmatically anti-religious because I actually do think that's religious. But I do, here's the thing that annoys me is like, when I do, my only problem is, and this is like I have this problem with women a lot where they participate in delusion and I want them to stop.

And that's a little bit of the thing that I have with religion. What delusion? Delusion, like about a guy or what? No, oh, just delusion, like the whole, like women are like, you know, I wear makeup. I don't think I wear makeup for men. I wear it for other women or like, I do these things because I like it,

not because men want us to, and it's just delusional. Or like, you know, every woman enters, like, radically into like the kind of social norm, wocus fear in order to like maintain their little their little enclave of security in their little female tribe when in reality I think a lot of them like have their own thoughts. What?

Hmm. You heard me. I did hear you. I don't know if that's true. Explain it to me for women. I think it might be women in Brooklyn. I'll sit this out. No, it's women.

It's women a lot where it's like they just don't say anything that's like super edgy or super anti. But I think. You have one interaction with someone and think that that's a monolith and use that as a blanket for all. No, no, no. This is like I spend a lot of time with women. Do you really? Yeah.

All my friends are women besides comics. Yeah. Right. But I feel like, again, that's a small swath of a specific type of woman that you're then using. It's a blanket for. It's biological. It's biological. Women have to like maintain social networks in order to keep themselves safe.

Right. Men come in and say kind of crazy shit and women go. That's crazy. I don't really want to get involved in that. And I do think that women... Can you repeat the initial thing you said so I can digest it more because I don't think I understood? And I don't want to, like, make comments or like... If you walk into a room full of men and you say like...

Thank God. And you say, and you say, like, hallelujah. And you say... Well, bet me over and fuck my ass. Lord, has answered my prayers. Something slightly against the norm or something slightly transgressive. A group of men, three out of nine of them are going to... be like, totally, dude.

A group of women are going to kind of mimic what the rest of the women around them think in order to maintain the camaraderie, which is important. It is important to have camaraderie amongst women. I mean, but I just do think that a part of the delusion that we participate in. And how does that relate to religion? Just because sometimes I want to be like, little side note, you don't actually believe that, right? You know what I mean? So that's how I feel with religion where I'm like, yeah, but also you don't really, you don't really think the 72 virgins.

You don't actually think that. Well, no, we don't believe in 72 virgins. Well, whatever the fuck. what do you think happens? Heaven. You believe in heaven. Right. And a hell.

Oh, yeah. Two separate places. For sure. And you really believe that. Of course. That there's segregation. A Kantian, a Kantian categorization.

Yes. Yes, of course. But like. But like, really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not a, it's not like a thing I can

really picture myself. You know? Yeah. I don't have like images in my head that make it make sense. Like a physical place. Yeah. But.

At least metaphysically, sure, yeah. Don't you think that it's cool that the only thing that human beings have is that we don't know? And the idea that your people think that you know is a little bit, kind of fucks up the system a little bit. Pull back on the your people. Yeah, your people, I stand by it. Can I say, I think because you're so secular, if you had, not so much religion, but like a belief system.

I have belief systems. You can't not have belief systems and go through a couple. Of course I have belief systems. Right. Well, I'm not going to pin you down to make you like say your belief systems. But I think if you had more, I think religion or some form of God would take away more of your accusatory anxieties or like overthinking. No, it's all just curiosity. It's not, it's not actually, I'm never going to stop being friends with him.

I'm never going to stop saying he's one of my favorite comics. I'm never going to do anything. Right, right. I'm just like literally. being like, okay, but side note to my friend. You know what I mean? But would you stop being friends with someone that continually does that? No, I don't think so, no.

Because I think this is good. I think banter back and forth, like, constantly questioning and, like, building and figuring. I think that's, like, great. And I think that's a testament to the friendship. The hubris, the hubris to think that you know is what upsets me. Because it just feels like we'd be so united. But here's the thing. Globally, if we all accepted that we didn't know and we were all so scared.

But you say no as if we've seen it. It's still a faith. It still requires faith. That's the thing that you're missing. It's not like I watched the Prophet Muhammad, Peace Be Upon Him, do so and so. It's all faith-based. Of course there's an element of doubt.

That's just a human nature. So, yeah, we know, but we have a faith in a thing. You hope. There's an element of hope, sure. Is not hope faith? I think there's a slight difference semantically. How? Does not hope believe, like lead to faith and does not faith give room for hope?

Hope, I think, is just more, uh, it's more inherently optimistic. Faith is a belief based. You don't think there's optimism and faith? There is, but there's also pessimism. I sin. I'm going to go to help. I, I, I'm saying, I'm going to be, I did this, I killed a person. I'm going to burn.

But isn't there faith in reconciliation? Sure. And wouldn't that inherently be optimistic? What? Yeah, I guess I'm getting confused a little bit by this question. So you're saying that faith is pessimistic in that I am. It's everything. Faith is more broad.

Hope is always good. You hope this happens. There's hope in faith. But there's also there's good and bad in having faith in something. Mm-hmm. You know? Hope is like. I'm just trying to find the difference between the two.

Hope is like. Yeah, they're basically the same. Hope is like, your money on black and you go I hope it hits black right faith is you put your money on black and you go it is going to be black right yes you hope it's not red there you go you think you know you'd be a great lawyer that was a good logic right puzzle right i study logic deep yeah you do but i don't i don't believe in your faith that's okay what faith do you believe in what do you mean what faith do i believe in if you don't believe in his

faith what faith do you believe it i don't really have a faith like what is your belief system then um i don't i think morality is inherent i think it's innate i don't think that you have to learn morality i think all human beings like have a sense of morality i don't think you have to learn the bible or learn the koran in order to have that i think if i stab you with a knife and you yell out in pain something in my body goes oh my god i just hurt somebody i think that we're i think we're animals fundamentally i think we're hive animals and i think that whatever happens the animals happens to us i don't think there's any different differentiation between humans and animals. And I think when we die, we all go to the same place.

And what that is is probably just decomposition of our bodies and a reintegration of energy back into all things again. And I don't know what that looks like. And I do not. And I do think that it is a little bit unacceptable to say that I have an idea of what that is. Because I think that the thing that makes you and me able to connect as people is the fact that we don't know and we're scared.

and we want to optimize our time on the earth because we don't really know. And I think when somebody says, I do know, it makes me go, all right, you know. But that's the thing, I don't know I have faith. Not to go back to that. Your evidence is the Quran. My evidence is not.

So, yeah, it's all the same thing. So you think animals and humans are the same? See, that's what I don't agree with that. Yeah, totally. You don't think that there's something special about us? Nope, just like, I strongly believe this. Like, it's not, I know that this could be a self-deception thing. I do believe that like in this,

I do think that in the same way that like a crow has become like one of the most intelligent birds because I figured out how to use tools and the way that like we're losing our wisdom teeth because we don't chew meat in the same way. I just think that's how humans evolved. We just picked up a tool. The cerebral cortex got a little bit bigger and then we ended up with microphones and outfits. And the chimp didn't. Like it's just a random act of Darwinism.

And sometimes you see animals like sometimes you'll watch an octopus be more into. Did you feel if he was like, you really believe that? You really think that we're like fucking crows. You're an idiot. I would be like, I totally get how that seems self-deceptive. But yeah, I believe it. Really, Jordan? You think we're fucking crows?

Your opinion is like the standard Hollywood mainstream. That's like the mainstream liberal opinion is what you're sharing. So I, of course, I have no issue with it. I'm like, yeah, I live in America. I've been born here. This is what I'm used to. I'm not questioning it.

I'm like, that's what you think. That's what everyone thinks. Yeah. You know? So I get that you're suspicious of me because I'm weird. I think 9-11 had a lot to do with it. We're being suspicious of you. No.

How old are you when 9-11 happened? 9-10? 11. 9-11? I was 17. Wow. I was 9. 16.

I was whatever you were. I was 16. 16, yeah. How old are you? 30 just turned 33 Oh I'm 34 so it was 10 I was 16 And I was a volunteer firefighter

Wow And then afterwards You know I got a decal of Calvin Pissing on Osama bin Laden And I put on my to do with Camry What the fuck is up? Shout out station 25 Tallyville Yeah

And they're like somebody just Call in a fake fire This guy goes away Dude it was so fun being a firefighter Oh I bet God, I loved it. It must be scary to believe that so strongly and then to date somebody who doesn't believe that. In God?

Yeah. For sure. Because you think they're going to go to hell. For sure. But you have hope. That's where hope comes in. You have hope that they'll convert. And one of my wives did convert.

Claire converted. Such a Muslim thing to say. In one of my many wives. My second wife converted. And she's still Muslim. God bless her. Really? Yeah.

And what did she have to say to convert? She had to say, Ashadu Allah, Allah, Allah. Shadowina. Did she say it? Not going to say it. All right. Of course she did.

Did she say it in like a ceremony or just like at home? You don't have to say it in a ceremony. You just have to say it one time and believe it. And then you're Muslim. Can you take it back? After you say, you have to go, touch black, no trade back. Can you do? What if I say and I cross my fingers?

God would know. It wouldn't count. But it wouldn't be the fingers. It would be that your heart isn't in it. Did she feel anything when she said it? I wasn't around when she said it. Oh. She did it.

She did it in private. And she told me, yeah. But you had faith. That she said it. What did she do? You just have to hear that played a bunch and then mimic it? Probably, actually. That's cringe.

Or maybe she Googled, like, just a translation in Reddit in English. I actually don't know. That's rough, just a wife girl being like, Ahama, Suvaki. But doesn't that kind of conjure up the idea of, like, a spell? A little bit. What's wrong with that? Spells are sick.

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Hello, Fresh. Nothing hits like home cooking. You could get one of these Bushwick bitches to just convert, I think. For sure. Of course. Yeah. Of course I could. Yeah.

I think most women would convert to Islam for me. You know, you should do. You should take a girl to dinner. I think most of them that like me would convert. That's a big statement. You got that convert cock? You got that, you got that convert religion piece. I think I do.

Then how come she didn't convert? Yeah, how come I didn't convert? When you fucked her. That was a dark time in all of our lives. That was so dark. One of the worst years of my life. You too. Starting with that night.

Day, day, day. It was like 2 p.m. How is that so rough? You were just all in it. It was bad. When was this? 23. 2023

Was she stinky? Great question. No. Was he? No. Thank God. And then we went to a grocery store after. It was very pleasant.

We had to like sneak around. We had to go out of the window. That's what you made me do. No one was home. You made me walk into the window. It was fucking humiliating. I told you in. Don't you listen to a Melissa Atzrich song

and you're like, I really want to walk. Oh, through my window. I'll be walking a Muslim. Wait, why did you make him go through the window when no one knows of the home? Because I lived with his good friend. I lived with his good friend. But he wasn't home. But they weren't home.

I was paranoid. You were paranoid. And you did it. You pathetic. I had just gotten divorced. I was like really lonely. I was really sad. Let's be nicer to me.

No, no, of course. No, no. Wait, did we mean to you? He's saying I was drunk. I was hitting the head with a baseball bat. Oh,

hey, fuck you. No, I'm not saying that. There was a gun to my head. I'm just, Jordan threatened to kill herself if I didn't It was not a thing that either of us would have done. And we weren't that close of friends yet. I don't think. No, I think we were pretty good friends.

Crazy that we did that. That's part of why we did it was because he's like, why not? We're buddies, it'll be fun. Yeah. Through my vagina, through the portal that every woman thinks at the end of their vagina, they think there's a little camera that goes into their ex's house and it goes, oh, I see you his spells in there. Why do we all think that? He's got a ring cam in your cervix.

Why do we all think that? And I had just separated like three months earlier. So I was like, any lady that's down? Did you think? Let's do it. But that doesn't mean any lady. That means any, okay, I can't save it. Did you think it was going to lead to something?

Or were you like, I just got a wham-bam. Thank you, ma'am. Best way to get over is it get back on. No, he was talking about other girls who was fucking the whole time. While he was fucking? Yeah. Not while. Pretty much.

But after maybe. Like seconds after. Were you reading the lyrics of Mambo number five? Yeah. Essentially. A little bit of she. It was a dark time. I regret it all.

I've asked God to forgive me. But have you asked her? You asked God to forgive you for forgiveness? I had to. I swear to God. I'm asking God right now. I swear to God it's not that bad. Do you want me to know?

No, I just want everybody to know. It doesn't make you pray. No, it's lovely. It's lovely. Nothing wrong with it. He immediately left you and went to a mosque. He pulled out one. Which way is he?

I probably did pray. How dare you? Shortly after. But it's not you. Judaism upon you. It's not you. It's the whole, it's anybody. It's anything, you know.

Yeah. No, it felt specifically targeted. Maybe a little. Yeah. But no, it was good. Mm-hmm. It's not great for sure. It's not that.

Someone fucks Jordan. They immediately turn to the woman in hereditary just to catch on fire. Cutting my head off with a piano wire. I don't actually have very much memory of the actual act. It was pretty quick. Yeah, what do you think of that? Was it quick?

It was like five minutes. Really? Yeah, it was quick. Which means it was like two. It was probably two. Yeah. That's a good. That's good.

That's good. Is that? Yeah. Tight, right and white. I've found that I come faster if I'm not enjoying it. No offense. No offense. I'm not trying to be mean.

I'm just saying it in my experience. That's what I've found. Because my body got... I love you. You're the best. You're my friend. I'm just being honest. What?

That's what I... Not only did I not enjoy it. I had to pray it away. Oh my God. What a bomb. Listen. Holy guacamole. Sorry, I'm sorry.

There's a lot of things I could be saying right now. Say them. No, I won't. Say them. No, because I'm a lady. I got your back. Debatable. I got your back.

I would never say that. I would never say that. I would I say it wasn't great? Yeah, I would say it wasn't great. Not dick, but sex. For sure. No, of course it was. We were two, it was like two guy friends fucking.

Not to say that you're a guy. But it was like. No, I am a guy. It was like too, it was just like random. And I mean, it was very, there was a lot of preamble leading up to it had to climb through a window. Yeah. It was just awkward and kind of random. Yeah.

You know? There was no like, oh yeah. There was none of that. There was no like. So how'd you get hard and you get her long? No, you did try to take it there and I refused. Yeah, I tried a little. I was like, what's some character?

And what she said? What'd she say? I was like, bro. I was like, I'm literally doing this to get back my ex. Just like do the act and then it'll be. Yeah. And then I took his comb and I marked it on my door like you do if you're a train hopper so that my ex would see it.

You know what I mean? Sure. She has been defile. Yeah And then he made him use a pocket knife To open up a can of beans Oh god That was so sad

Same It was bad It was bad It was bad So there was no like No Making out No

No No Can I set the scene a little bit Set the scene Do you care about this? I can't Hey hold on Hold on

That's a good question to ask Are you okay with this? How are you gonna set the scene Just like where you were And where I was at the beginning of the act. Okay, I'll set the scene. Interior, daytime.

Ismail climbing through a window. Jordan, comatose. Feelings of anger, resentment. Enter the scene. Ismail, living in regret. Jordan, dissociating. And go. I walk in, I climb in through the window.

No, no, no, I don't like this. I don't like this. You're in bed already. Legs and cat. The window leads to my bed. Window leads to the bed. There's a sheet over her except for a hole in the crotch. Essentially, she was over her and nothing on, no pants or anything like that.

I had a robe on. Yeah, then you just took that off and then we just, it was, I've never. Surgical. Yeah, it was very surgical. But I'm not understanding, and I'm sorry if I'm probing too deep and we can move, move on. You know who wasn't probing too deep? A little dick, Ismail. Woo!

Wait a little. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Tiny dig loaf team. I'm like a serious size queen, though. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She likes them big and beefy. I like to be in pain, a lot of pain. Yeah. No, I think I'm normal. But I'm just questioning how did such a size queen meet up with such a tiny dick man? And how did you...

Okay. It's not a tiny day. It's an average size penis. And I'm a small guy, so it looks big on my body. That's true. Right? Yeah. But then, you know, she's used to, you know,

she's used to fucking massive. Army hammer. Yeah. Which I think speaks to my courage as a man. He just went after it. He just went. He just one day we were at the cellar. You slayed the dragon.

And then he was like just hitting on me. And I was like, damn, all right, I'll fuck this guy. But there was game involved. And then when it happened, it was just like. No game. No game. I'm just questioning how you, did you use Bluetooth? No, no.

I got hard. I just. Congrats. Well. You know what it felt like? I almost like climb through the window is pretty hot. Yeah, like it just is. Yeah, I'm like, wow, I'm about to.

Oh, do you bring the ladder or do I? Where's the rena center for this ladder? For sure. It was almost like, imagine if there was like a fire at the Statue of Liberty. And there was just like a bunch of tiny little firemen just kind of scurring around this giant iron woman, just prodding at her. It was kind of like that. It was like, I was quite still.

And there was a plaque on you that said, give me, you're tired, you're poor, you're hungry. That's actually the text I sent out. And this film was like, all right, I'll be there for my minutes. Yeah, it was like that. It was definitely like I was kind of like. You are a woman on an island. It takes a lot to get me into soft mode.

It takes a lot of like, you have to really be like, to be honest, you would have had to match the text that you were sending, which you didn't match in person. What text was sending? Because in person, he was like, Oh, fuck, you're just my friend. Yeah. What text was he sending?

Like, in order to have sex with me in a way that it's like physical and good, you kind of have to be... Hold on. Do you have a pen? You kind of have to be very dumb. And he was dumb over text. What were you saying over text? Just like coming at me, which is very dumb.

Like, I'm gonna come and take that and... No, just being like... What? I'm gonna get that ass. I'm the same way as you, by the way. I send text like that, and then I get to the... place and I'm like, where do I put my backpack? Yeah.

Wait, but I'm not understanding how the text were done. Just forward, just coming, just hitting on. Well, here's how it happened. We were, we were at a show in Soho. Not the cellar. We had a show at a show. Don't tell show. And you said to me, God, I really need to fuck somebody. Whoa. And I said, I do too.

And that's how it started. And then I started texting. Yeah. Wow. For you. That's the taser. But I like that. I like that. He said.

Ethan. Jesus Christ. I like that. You guys can have that horrific, regrettable call to prayer experience. Yeah. And then still be paired. Bals. Yeah, totally.

Better off prayer. I think it made us better friends. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, it's always the, it's always the thing with sleeping with comics. I mean, unless it's like a bad comic. Oof. Then it's fine.

If I fuck a bad comic, they can lay it down. But if it's a good comic, we're just stuck in a vortex of being like, what are Do you? Yeah, it's like funny. Yeah, yeah. It's like, this is funny that we're doing this. We should have just been like... Bad comic is hot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who? I'm gonna say, but fucking a bad comic is like, you're nothing. Yeah. That's great. Oh. Yeah.

I mean, just kidding. You know what I said in bed? Is this the Patreon? Yeah, no, this is a regular buddy. Fuck. Get ready. You know what I said the other day? I said, you know, I respect you, right?

Because they're about the next 20 minutes I'm going to act like I don't. See, that's great. That's good. Whoa. before sleeping with somebody. Wasn't much sleeping involved, though. Oh.

I have insomnia. It's just you have to have dominance or love. If you don't have either of those, you're fucked. Yeah, but switching in between is the most fun. Of course, of course. That's the more fun.

Yeah. Well, you can get away with one or the other. Yep. And if you're friends, you can't do either of those. What are you going to dominate your buddy? No.

You could try and it would be silly as fuck. That's why when people are like, I want to date my best friend. I'm like, I want to have good sex, so I don't want to do that. I don't really want to know my partner that well. Whoa. That's hot. What?

I don't think that's possible, but I think in the ideal world, two people are together. They do the things they have to do together, but then they kind of have separate lives. Yeah. Sleep in the same bed, do all that shit, fuck, et cetera. But then, you know, you go your way. I go mine. Oh, I think. That's ideal.

I think I did feel that way, but now I'm like. Cends and candy. I'm having a blood sugar drop. It's unrealistic. Every relationship I've been in, you just merge and you become one big... Dude, what? Five-armed creature, and it's inevitable. Oh, okay.

He just, like, dumped out a bunch of trash. I think I did use to feel that way, but now I'm like, no, I want... Yeah. Best friend, laugh, finici's each other's... Finici. Finici's... Finici. Finici.

I want an Italian. I want a Finici. Finish each other's vocal stims, like sing songs, giggle. I like that. Do you have that right now? Yeah. And I think the being friends thing is important because I think being able to like laugh and enjoy it is important. But you don't like that.

I have friend, not my best friend and daddy. What? It's a good friend combo daddy. is who I'm dating. Yeah, you got to be daddy, but you also got to be partner. Yeah. Right?

But they have to be an other. They have to be a little bit of another. What do you mean? Like, they have to be a little bit different than me. Like, they can't be, when I've dated guys that are as extroverted as me, it just becomes this fucking competition. Oh, of course.

Yeah, yeah. No, opposites a track. It's a yin and yang. But no, I thought you meant they have to be daddy, friend and other no they have to be like they can't be my same prototype of person

yeah yeah of course you need someone that showers yeah he needs someone with an extremely tiny vagina to make it feel like he's a large penis yeah yeah I think a lot of guys like that yeah tiny yeah tiny

no not the guys I'm fucking they need it They need a longer one or else you hit the cervix, then what do you do? Can't go in all the way. You make the service expand. No, you can't expand the cervix. A baby goes in there. Well, I got a baby coming in there, baby. I stopped it.

Thank you. I saw that you were going to do it as a tag to the bit, and I appreciate that you didn't. You're welcome. What are you promoting? Oh, I have a solar show about Islam, about my dad trying to convert people to Islam. No, thank you. Anyway, Jordan, what are you? I open for it once.

It's really good. That's great. Where? Yeah. Soho Playhouse all month, April 2nd to the 26th. Heavenly Baba. It's about my dad. He was trying to convert people in Florida to Islam.

That's really cute. Very funny. It's a lot of fucking pictures of, he painted on his car, stuff about Islam and Christianity. All over it. All over it. It said like, you know, Islam always. Buddhism is atheism.

Whoa. Satan plot. Change God Books to Gaga. Go. Go pursue money. Dollars and sex fill. Wait, what? Satan plot.

Sounds like you're reading Guar lyrics. Yeah. What are you talking about? It's funny to hear a good comment on it because I've been with this show for three years, like working it, and I've like thought of everything about everything he wrote. Yeah.

Satan plot, colon, change God books to Gaga Go-Go-Go, pursue dollars, wars, and sex filth. That was one of the things. What is God-Go-Gaga-Go-Gu. Like Gaga-Gu. He was an immigrant. He didn't really. I mean, he spoke good English, but he didn't write well.

Yeah, but why is Gaga Goo Goo in there? So, Satan's plot is to change God's books to Gaga Goo Goo. To baby talk. To baby talk. So take the Bible and change it. That's what he was trying to say. So the card was covered in insane, erratic stuff about Trump and stuff about... I don't get him to convert.

Wait, he was pro-Trump? Anti-Trump. Very anti-Trump. But he also kind of liked him. Arabs sort of like Trump. A lot of immigrants do. Yeah, there's something, because he's like a king. He's like, he reminds us.

And gold. And gold. Yes, he's at war with Iran. Love gold, yeah. He's very Arab-coded in a lot of ways. He's got a wife from Eastern Europe. Yeah, very Arab. So that's what the show is, and it's about growing up with that.

It's funny. He also loved fucking young women. Aisha, may God be pleased with her. Radiullahahuana. She was, in many sources, 16 years old. She was not nine. She was 16. Aisha, the wife of the prophet.

In most sources, she was 16. Nine. But even if she was nine, it was the year's 670.80. It was a different time. It was almost 2,000 years ago. People died at 30. I can't, dude. Priests fuck nine-year-olds.

Every religion is very fallible. But nine-year-old boys is different. Tighter. Bad, bad, no good, no good. Your old boys is younger than an annual girl. Very true. I just am so appalled and disgusted by even just like the smells of a child. You smell like, same.

No, but they're always dirty. Like, you've got to really have a love for it. Truly. I dated a 22-year-old last year. I'm 32. And I thought, who cares? She'd say whatever, she's an adult. And it was rough.

She didn't know what the Matrix was. Oh, no. But she's plugged into it. Yeah, exactly. That's a very good point. You know the Matrix and then, yeah, pedophiles are crazy. Was it hard to talk to her because she had a different language? Were you saying a lot of goo-go-gaga?

I was. Quoting your father? I was quoting my father. A lot of goo-gou-gaga. No, it was rough. Some of those kids are kind of brilliant. That's what I thought. I was like, well, she seems really cool.

Devil's advocate. Is there something advantageous to that because you can learn from her and she can learn from you? Yeah, probably. There's definitely a, like, a version of it that works for people. Right. I'm not against if you're 35 dating a 22-year-old. It's like, there's probably, you're probably fine. It's probably creepy, but there's a world where it's fine.

Right. That's, I mean, that's... I thought it was creepy until I got to the age of 35, and all of my 35-year-old guy friends act like 22-year-olds. I'm like, yeah, you got to go down, dude. Because they're, like, trying to date women in my age, and I'm like, we cannot tolerate over-the-year headsets when you play video games. We will not tolerate that.

You know what I mean? So, like, just dates... Well, there is a thing about, like, you know, autonomy and then the infanilization of women when it's, they get infanilized when like a 22 year old dates, a 35 year old. And they're like, he's abusing. This is a poor young lost girl that doesn't know anything. It's like, well, are they autonomous and can make their own decisions?

Or are they like helpless? Which is it? You know, totally. Sometimes I think it's creepier the other way around. Like being a young girl praying on an old idiot. And they're like such retards and they're so, they want the wet hole so bad. That they're just like, you know what I mean? That you're just like, oh, this guy has like a rough job.

Like barely makes any money and you're just taking, she's taking advantage of some guy who's just like a pathetic fucking, yeah. Yeah, it's like just to use as like a teddy bear because. I don't know, but then isn't that like nice in a way? Like look at these two people just taking advantage of the holes in their brains. What's really hot is when you meet a guy who's dating like a 10-year-old or woman. I always think that's really cool. I'm trying to, I'm trying to do 30s now.

That's my goal. And I think I should. I'm an older. I'm an old soul. How old are you? 33, but I feel I've always felt old. You're an old soul. Yeah.

I should be with a young hole. Have you been trying at all? Have you been dating any 30 years? Yeah. No. No. But I've been trying. I'm like, look, I set my hinge thing to like 29 to 35.

On hinge. Yeah. What is your intro? How do you keep the conversation going? And how quick do you jump to texting and then date? Intro has to be specific to something on their profile. There's not a, there's not a line. I'm not hot enough to have a line.

Dude, one time I saw this really hot girl on Hinge and she was doing that, you know, that picture girls do where they're in like a thong or whatever and they have their butt on the sink, you know, to make it look big. And I didn't want to be like, damn, that's a fat air, parked that shit on my face. So my line was, is that electrical outlet?

European? Yeah. Do you like to travel? That's so funny. That's what we're all doing. No, you just got to... It's exhausting. You got to comment the thing about...

Not a picture. I never respond to a picture. You got to respond to a text. And then I try to do within two days. Plan the date? Yeah, because these bitches, they just want to talk. Do you feel that way about men? I ain't on here for a pen pal.

For you, bro. Shahada. Shahada. Would you date a Jewish girl? I have. I've married a Jewish. My ex-wife was half-Jewish. Really?

Yeah, but not full. Not full and not like practicing at all. But yeah, Jewish, I don't care. Jew's fine. She was great. But they'd have to convert for you to marry them again. No. You can marry non-Muslims as a man.

But your kids would be raised Muslim. Absolutely. Whoa. That was a quick answer. Without a doubt. Are you going to have kids? I want one kid. I just want one.

Just one's enough. A specific one or like yours? Good question. I gotta find a kid. I just want any kid. No, I'd like to have my own. I'd like to come make a guy. Every guy is against adoption.

I would adopt too. See, I would have one kid and then adopt. That would be like the perfect world. If I'm like super rich one day, that's what we'll do. I would like to adopt a little older or be a stepdad. I don't know if I really want to do the whole from birth baby thing. It's a lot. Now, my siblings have a bunch of kids.

and they're so cute, but it's like... Dude, I talk to my friends, and they're like, this is so energetically draining. Yeah. It's, I'm basically stopping a little thing from trying to kill itself every day. Yep. You know?

Yeah, but then I don't know. The other day this little girl was playing with me in the park with the dog and it was so fun. It did, it is fun. You got to do it once. That's how I feel. Like, you gotta have one kid. You got to experience that one time and then you're done.

I would like it if I could train it with a clicker and when I click, it just stops being rambunctious. I just don't get how you guys... Like electrical, like a tase? No, no, no, no. If I were a man, I would want like nine kids. You don't have to go through anything. You just have a fun little tribe around you?

No, you're going to go through, like, being there for your life. Yeah, unless you're saying... Yeah, but you might as well go through being there for five as opposed to one. One, your kid's going to be a shithead. No, one your kid's going to be cool. Only children are cool. Thanks. Finally, someone said it.

I'm the youngest of five. and that fucked you up. A bunch of siblings is bad. Did you have, you have the sister? Yeah, fuck me out. What was that? It fucked me up. You didn't have only job, fuck me.

Every kid is fucked up. Every kid's fucked up. But I believe in myself enough. I just want a little guy. I don't want another man to have a kid with me. I just want my dog and then a little guy. A little mulleted blonde boy who follows me around and has a dirty diaper. That's cute.

Dirty on the outside, not pooping. What would you name him? Sasquatch. Bo! Sasquage. Fossack. No, I want to name him soren. after soren Kierkegaard.

Oh, my God. Swarin Jensen. The most Danish name ever. That's kind of cool. Soren is cool. It's annoying, but it's cool. It'd be awesome. He'd always be holding like a fucking spoon.

Well, yeah, in that... I feel like your kid would always have, like, matted hair and, like, the Kool-Aid mustache and, like, dirt on, like, one part of his chin. The little upper lip rash. Yeah, and you'd always be getting, like, child protective services coming to the house. Yeah. Are you having a kid in New York? In this scenario?

No. No. Ithaca. Or somewhere. Dude, can you imagine having to lug the, I give moms so much credit in the city for having to lug the fucking child cart. What's that called? Baby stroller. The bad child car.

Yeah, you know, the child car. The New York City kids suck, dude. They just, they're talking about. They're cool. They're not. I used to fucking work with them, and they're so entitled. Like, they just, they have no. Yeah, but that's up to you.

Like, it's. not again like every kid it's like up to who's raising it means you have to have a job that maintains living in New York with a kid if you have a job that means maintain living in New York his kid it means you have a nanny if you have a nanny the kid is weird you don't have to have a nanny and live in New York how are you going to maintain the money take the kid around you make a lot of money and you got a wife who does all that shit our husband or husband would you respect your husband if he was like I'll stay at home with the kid oh my god my dad did that yeah I had a crush on your dad

Dad? Huh. You didn't know that? I didn't know that. That's like her thing. Forever. Wow. She wants to fuck them.

Huh. Dead though. Dead. Mine's dead. Mine too. Really? How old were you? I was recent.

I was 29. Oh, God. That must have been, because you wrote the one-man show about him. Oh, shit. That's terrible. I'm sorry. That's all right.

Thank you. Yeah. Did he die in like a horrific spelling word accident? No. No, he had kidney disease Oh Yeah You refused to go to the doctor for 40 years

Really? Not kidney disease but refused to go to the doctor Yeah, refused to go to the doctor Ever and ever And then eventually he went and they were like You should have come here 40 years ago You're fucked So what happened to Warren Zivon

He was like I made a tactical error In refusing to see a doctor for decades Let's see a doctor I might go tomorrow I make an appointment I just don't know where to start I was supposed to get the MRI I was supposed to go get the ear cleaning thing

I want to go to a doctor and just say do all the cancer stuff they can't I wish there was a one stop shop where you could like be on a conveyor belt and they're like you guys are forgetting about money do you know how much an MRI cost

I have to get an MRI it's $1,000 to get one scan that's fucked up Patreon.com slash beanie and pawn Let's get Jordan Some scans Do you need scans Or you're just doing this

Because you're like I have like a lump inside my vagina A little tiny lump Oh like a lymph node thing It's just a fucking You may see it? We've had it for years Remember you almost did feel it once

I stopped you Yeah why'd you take that away from me Because halfway through I was like wait What am I doing? Um But Yeah

They can't do the one-stop shop That sucks Also, yeah. Yeah, why can't they? Because they milk us for everything we have. They milk us. They do that in China. I bet they do.

They have like a, I bet you know the airport TSA where you just stand in the thing. You just get on a plane. I bet they have cancer, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go through the scan, like, yes. Cancer. Sometimes I'm like, do I want to know? I don't want to know.

You want to know. I kind of want to go till the wheels fall off. Also, I'm so sick of this check your breast shit. I'm like, can I just say something? I'm just going to say this for all women. Our breasts are. breasts are made of lumps and they literally like check your breast

for lungs. So are our balls. Oh really? They're one big lump. Yeah but that's one lump. They're a big lump. We got two lumps. And they're like check for lumps. I'm like, okay. But we got wires and tubes and stuff. Some boobs are lumpier than others. Do you think you have lumpy boobs? There's a milk gland here. There's a fucking something here.

It's like me and Brianna were talking about this when we were feeling each other's boobs and our keep your eyes off the prize. And then we were and then we were like, yeah, It's all fucking lumps, bro. It's too hard. Do you want to check each other's balls now? Sure.

Are you for real? No. Oh, no. I got checked to last year. I got to get my prostate checked. And this time, not for fun. Come on, man. No, I'm going to get it checked.

I keep waking up and pissing in the middle of the night. Really? Yeah. And every time I call my friend who's a doctor and I'm like, hey, just tell me it's cool. He's like, go get. checked. I'm like, no. No, you're supposed to tell me over the phone. I'm fine, Dr. Bill.

This thing's not good on the, all night? Every couple hours, you're pissing the, in the bed? I piss in my bed. Fuck, dude. No. I piss in my bed. No. No, I, some nights I get up in the middle of the night to pee. Other nights I don't, and then I pee throughout the day. Do you guys be into sex pissing stuff? I would with my chick pee on me.

I drank it because it was skirt. Oh, you did it? You drank it? Wow. She's squirt and sometimes there's a little bit of pee in it. And you drink it? No, drink it, you mean like. Why were you drinking it?

Because I was going down on her and it made it. Okay, it's like coming out straight from the vagina. Yeah, and also I drink it like a dog, drink you from my husband. Wait, hold on, hold on top. I love her. Yeah, I wouldn't do that, but I don't think it's that. Did you ever get? Was it viscacety?

No. Top of milk. No. And it didn't have any lumps of stuff like the thing in your nose. Oh, get out. Wipe. Would you be peed on? No.

I'd get peed on. No, I wouldn't get peed on. That's gross. No? I'm not judging it, but for me... Not in the shower? It's like a big thing. It's not sexy for a woman.

I could see a girl wanting to get peed on because it's kind of hot that it's coming out of my dick. But why isn't it hot coming out of a pussy? Because it just kind of goes down her. It's not like, it shoots. Does it shoot? We can pull it. Hold them. You can really, you can really shoot it.

Yeah, one of my mom's talking about that. Maybe that's interesting. Maybe that's something I'd be willing to look into. What'd you say about your mom? My stepmom taught me out if he's standing up, but you pull the laves back. No way. Yeah. So you can, you can use a urinal.

Yeah, I mean, they catch you. Or a party trick. Why aren't there urinals in women's bathrooms then if it's like you can do it? I think it's a little risky. A lot of drippage. Spray. Well, we have that. We're dripping.

Yeah. I think would you get peed on? No. I have OCD. Would you pee on him? What if you're in the shower? What happened? I don't take showers.

Right. I don't do showers and I don't do golden showers. Anything shower related? I'm not into it. What if you were in the shower and you like peed on each other's feet? That always happens. Yeah, so just aim it up. Yeah, but that's funny.

It's funny. Yeah. And it's funny to put a target. on your chest and go bull's eye mommy go goo go I've never done that I wouldn't do that I wouldn't do that sex is fun you don't need to

you don't need to do what walks up when you two have it yeah obviously but if you like the person a lot in that way I feel like that's enough when you forget what numbers are it was crazy it was like a brain bender yeah it was rough was there eye contact and you were like yeah oh oh oh oh I think I just had the arm over or something.

No, you were looking. Was I looking? Yeah, for sure. Oh, God. Yeah. That's crazy. For sure. Remember how obsessed with the idea of it?

Luke Monas was? Oh, Luke, it's all he talked about. It's all he still talks about. He's obsessed with it. Really? What was he saying? He just, like, wanted to know everything. He needed, you know, and you know how Luke is where he's like, so you did?

And we'd be like, yeah, and he'd be like, did you? And he'd be like, yeah, he'd be like, well, my goodness. He's very, I. He's so curious. Curious about sex. He's like if an alien came down and learned about sex. He really is. I had to learn to not take offense to it with how many questions he has.

Yeah, yeah. It's really not offensive. Yeah. It's not coming from a, it truly is coming from a place of wonderment. Yeah. Rather than judgment. Which makes me wonder how him and his girlfriend have sex. I'm like, do you not see the naked body ever?

Are you guys just across the room with like a long tube or something? It's crazy. And he's like, really? The vagina opens and closes. I'm like, yeah, yeah. I think that's common, though, for any guy who's been in a relationship for a very long time to just be like...

Wonder about other people. Really curious about sex. Well, I'm really curious about what the inside of people's homes look like, and I've lived in a house forever. That makes sense. That does make sense. A great point. Given here, yeah.

I get... What is the thing that I get curious about? I get curious when people are in long-term relationships. That's what I question all the time. I'm like, what happens every day. Do you wake up and just choose the person Or do you just keep living? Is it fun?

Is it fun? Is it fun actually? Do you actually want to fuck them a lot? Is it, do you think sex is number one on being in a relationship? Or do you think it's further down on the list? I think it's, I think it's, uh, alternating. I think it's, it's got to be one or two and fun and partnership, trust, communication. Connection, interconnection, intertwined with sex.

And they go hand in hand. And when you stop with the sex, the other stuff starts to dissipate. And when the other stuff is good, the sex is great. I know, but I just think that the key, the chain link that links all the friendship and stuff is sex. Like I do think that if you, like, lose a little bit of the friendship and you keep sex going, you're okay. But if you lose the sex and you keep the friendship going, you're not okay. I agree. I do think sex is most important.

Yeah, because I'm friends with so many men, what's the difference? The difference is sex. No, the difference is like communication and like the way you talk to him today in the phone. You don't talk to your friends that way. Like that's more than just sex. It's like an attraction and a trust and a connection. In that domain, I think. Maybe for now.

Maybe it's like a time thing. Maybe sex is like a bridge. I don't know. I talk to couples in the audience and the ones that are okay are the ones who fuck. I'm telling you. Yeah, but they're also, there's a light on them and an instant for them to like speak and you're not getting in-depth. You're just almost, and sometimes people could be answering for sound bites. I think you can't trust.

I think you can't trust. How much I probe them. No, I know. But, I mean, also, too, it's like that is a specific situation where people are under, like, a microscope. Yeah. You know. Yeah, nobody wants to admit to having a bad. Yeah.

Not sexual, but, like, an old person's version, which is, like, kissing on the lips and saying good night and holding hands. I think that that is the equivalent later, for sure. I don't think they ramming each other's old-ass parts out. Right. But I do think that, like, 50s. physical intimacy, I think, is like the number one link. Oh, I think, yeah, once you lose that, the other stuff goes by the wayside, but also the other stuff.

Once you lose that, the sex goes, by the way. I think it's like hand in hand. It's just a matter of, like, what's most important. But I also think in a long-term relationship, like, if you do lose a sex, having it again must feel so foreign and so, like, you guys. Like, I bet that's how old couples, like, long-term couples. Like long-term couples have sex. Because they develop past it, I think. People who've been together for 20 years,

like they've probably gone years where they haven't fucked. And it just isn't a part of their relationships. That's why lesbian couples fail so often. Because sex is so important and then it goes away? Oh, is it lesbian bed rot? Lesbian bed death. Bed death, yeah. I think when you become more roommates than partners,

that is kind of a, like a death rattle. So that's like... Like lesbian partnerships fail so often because they become best friends. And then they miss sex, but they can't have sex with each other because it ends up like, help me and you work. We're just like, why are we doing this? We literally talk about each other's farts. So what's the key? How do you combat that?

Literally keep fucking. That is my theory. I think you keep fucking. Even when you don't want to fuck, you kind of fuck through it. Really? Yeah. That's what I've noticed with the lesbian moms. This has been advice from three people who don't know what they're talking about.

Michelle and Donna, I'm madly in love. My mom's the only... example I have of love. And they, and Donna's like, 10 years younger than Michelle. And she's like, we're gonna keep fucking, dude.

And they keep fucking and they stay really intimate. Maybe that's what it is. I think you gotta do it. You gotta keep fucking. I'm telling you, I think it like creates. How often, though? Once a week. You can't make it on a schedule.

That can be in a different, that can change. Scary the thought of getting old. You know, maybe that's why you ever watch those old episodes of real sex. When it's like couples who have been together for 25 years, like IT workers in there at those sex retreats,

maybe it's not as gross and bad as I thought before. Maybe that's like them working at keeping their relationship strong, you know? And we all turn into gross weirdos. And it's like you might as well just keep it, keep it going, you know? Yeah. I think sex can strengthen a friendship. Stop. Look at me.

Oh. Sorry. I don't know. Look at him. Talking to Jesus. I think you gotta keep fucking I think you gotta have sex where you don't have to pray to God afterwards

For sure That's big Our sex is so bad I became Muslim Listen Listen Folks I'll tell you Alright let's wrap up

This is so fun Yeah this is good I'm gonna get to this There's a promo code for viewers of this For the they get 50% off The promo code is Baba Ian that's a promo you have 50% off ticket if you want to come to show. Baba Ian?

Yeah. Nah. That's the name. Why? Because Bia and Ian, Baba Ian. I don't know. Makes sense. That's good.

That's cute. Isn't that cute? Is it every night for a month? No, it's Thursday through Sunday. Nice. Every night. I mean, every week. Wow.

And then you're going to record it at the end? Probably going to record it later in the year. That's cool. Yeah. You should see one of these nights. I'm busy, but that's nice. What are you going to do with? I have a whole bunch of tour dates that are.

about to go up. Starting in I mean the next one is Brea Improv at the end of the month, Oxnard, and then Cobbs Comedy Club, which might be sold out, maybe a couple tickets left, and then after that

a whole other slow shit that has been added to Punchup. Dot Live slash Jordan Jensen. Thank you. Everybody, folks, April 10th to 11th, Hartford, Connecticut, Hartford Funnybone. Next following weekend, 23rd, 25th,

Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I'm in Long Beach, New York, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, May 6th, Los Angeles, California at the Hollywood Improv for Netflix is a joke. And then I'm going to Albany, Cleveland. Tons of dates, eInfidance.com. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs

out every other Tuesday, YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy. It's out with YMH. I'm having a blast. And patreon.com slash beanie and pod. And also, we didn't make mention, but, shout out rest in peace bo looters we love you

we'll remember you forever you thank you for everything god bless uh and that's it bye guys take care