Bein' Ian With Jordan - Karaoke Comic W/ Brendan Sagalow | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep148

Starting point is 00:00:00 Plugs are show all Portland, Oregon, June, first week of June, then Royal Oak, Michigan, Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, Washington, DC, Denver, Colorado, Dallas, Texas. This is all July. I'm in Austin, Texas. Ooh, maybe I'll stay in Texas. Madison, Wisconsin.

Starting point is 00:00:20 Let's ride. Spokane, Washington. I thought I was just there, but I was not. I was in Tacoma, Brea, California. That's sick. And then back home to Rochester. Old comedy on Carlson, Houston, Texas. EFIDANCE.com for all my dates. I'm coming to Charlotte, North Carolina, Wilmington, North Carolina, Tacoma, Washington, Spokane, Spokane, Washington, Oklahoma City. It's Spokane. It's not Spokane. Spokane.

Starting point is 00:00:54 Guarantee it. Oh yeah, it's Spokane. Yeah. Oklahoma City, Addison, Texas in July, Indianapolis at Healing Comedy Club, Chicago Zanies, Comedy Connection, EMFyDance.com for all my dates. Come on out to Charleston, Charlotte, Wilmington, and Atlanta. And patreon.com slash B and E and pod

Starting point is 00:01:14 for bonus episodes, early releases, and a bunch more. And enjoy the show, like she said. Indeed. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. And DNA Now you know he likes it in the butt So why ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live Alive

Starting point is 00:01:56 Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan I remember this. I remember this open mic comic made me laugh so hard back in Philly. Years ago, he wore a trench coat on stage and he was like, No, they always pull a pipe out of the trench coat. No one ever pulls out a crack pipe.

Starting point is 00:02:23 Pulls out a crack pipe. Good evening. Oh, that's funny. He meant you meant oh, it's like a pipe like a like a smoking pipe. Yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like a no, no, no, no, not a shing. Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop A puff, a puff puff, a puff puff, a puff puff. That would be a Chappelle sketch for sure. Good evening. Good evening. I know, remember all the open micers that were good that just are going now? Yeah. I was talking about like nutballs in Philly.

Starting point is 00:02:56 Guys, this one guy would go up and do Richard Pryor's jokes and then be like, really? Thank you, I've been your karaoke comedian for the night. And he thought that's what I honestly would not be surprised if that got some traction. Like if that, if there was a service where you can hire somebody, oh, there is, there's got to be higher. Probably. Did you ever see the rich, the George Carlin guy that did a, um, he did a corporate gig and instead of George, one of George Collins' bits like, what are you gonna do with all this stuff?

Starting point is 00:03:29 You got your stuff over here, your stuff over there. But the guy did it with data and all he did was replace stuff with data. And he's like, you put your data over here and you got your data over there. Bomb. Bomb. So bad that they took it off the Internet.

Starting point is 00:03:46 What? You can't find it anymore. They took it off the Internet. I don't know. Some George Carlin impersonator. Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, I think I could do that. Your dad would you impersonate? Richard Pryor, so I could say the N word a bunch. I know. Just make me black for five seconds.

Starting point is 00:04:06 I go, I go, and they call, they call the police, and the police don't shoot cars. They shoot. Dude, it's such a good joke. I feel like you could say it kind of because it's, you know what joke that is? You don't know that joke? Yeah, but you could say it. Because you're being hit. You do it, then. Um.

Starting point is 00:04:24 They don't shoot cars.'t shoot cause they shoot. Hmm cause. Yeah, he goes knee. Take a second. Oh, it's one of the best jokes because he like he was talking about how he took out his gun and his like chick was was leaving him in his car. So he just shot the car and he's like, you're not leaving me in my car. And he says, I killed the car. But one is like, and then she called the cops and the cops don't kill cause they kill me. Yeah. Cause. But he says it quicker. So it's one word.

Starting point is 00:04:56 But he also draws it out. It's just perfect. Yeah. What's your favorite Richard Pryor album? Probably Live at the Sunset Strip. I was trying to get you to say the other one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? This is crazy. Me. Oh yeah, he was the man, bro. His movie career was so good too.

Starting point is 00:05:18 Him and Gene Wilder were amazing. The first movie I ever saw a naked lady in was See No Evil. Really? Yeah. That was the first time I ever saw a naked lady in was See no evil really yeah, that was the first time I ever saw when he was deaf and G model was blind right yeah, no no prior is blind and Wilder is deaf right right yeah, yeah, and then that we watch that tonight. I haven't seen that dude Hell yeah, Yeah. So good. I've been watching a lot of like Final Destination shit. Do you get so fucking addicted to watching that stuff? I put on me and my mom always watch horror movies together.

Starting point is 00:05:56 Really? My mom's. Yeah. You and your mom watch horror movies. What was that about? In my face. Oh, I didn't mean it to be. That's such a funny thing for you and your mom. Oh, dude. Last time we watched the original Evil Dead and it was hilarious. We watch it like two old black ladies watching TV. My mom's like, Oh, no, don't do that. Like, you know, you know, when the no, crazy, crazy.

Starting point is 00:06:27 But I put on the original Final Destination, I fell asleep after like 10 minutes. What? I've been watching the most embarrassing thing ever. What? What? There is not something more embarrassing. It is, I'm watching the show. Oh, I like that show.

Starting point is 00:06:38 Really? Yeah, the first season's great. I stopped watching after the second season. Why is that embarrassing? Because I'm on the sixth. Because it's like, it's crime horny. Because you're on the sixth season. It's like that show really the first I stopped watching after the second Because I'm on the six because it's like it's crime horny cuz you're on it's so bad. It's murder. It's horny murder You know what I mean? That's why if women watch it they get fucking hot by pen Bagley. Oh

Starting point is 00:06:58 They want to be they want they want they want fucking pen to put his name Bagley. Yeah I want fucking Penn to put in there, Bagley. Yeah, I wanna be bagged by Penn. I wanna get bagged by Penn. That's what I just said. You wanna be bagged by Penn. Oh, cool. His name is Penn? His name's Penn Badgley. Bagley.

Starting point is 00:07:11 Bagley. Wasn't his dad an actor or no? Is he five foot two? No. Yeah, his dad's name was... Ed Bagley. Put it in there. Oh yeah, and his mom mom was what's in that?

Starting point is 00:07:31 Come on, man. That's a funny dog. What's up? What's up? Come on, dog. Hey, this is my father. Put it in the bag. Lee and this is my mother. What's in that bag? Lee, this is my father, put it in the bagly, and this is my mother, what's in that bagly? And this is my brother, empty that bagly. That's my shame watch. And this is my cousin, Tuffel.

Starting point is 00:08:05 That hits my exact funny bone dude. That's like right up my alley. This is my brother's duffel bag. Oh man. That's like, that's it, man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha awful. Oh, do you want to hear something crazy? Nobody. You're gonna hear something crazy. You're gonna roll your eyes. And I told my mom you would. Oh, boy, here we go. What? I don't even roll my eyes. I just roll my whole face and keep my eyes. It's gonna be sentimentality regarding your father's

Starting point is 00:09:03 synchronistic events that's not real. Yes, it is real. Today is 30 years since my dad died. And this morning, my mom and I were going to have breakfast together. And I said, let's go sit out front on the front steps and have breakfast. So we sat out front and had breakfast and drank coffee and did some scratch offs. And we're just sitting there and I kind of... breakfast and drank coffee and did some scratch offs and we're just sitting there and I kind of. Your mom would be your perfect wife. What? Did you win anything?

Starting point is 00:09:35 $55. Oh, nice. Crazy. And we're sitting there and then all of a sudden a rabbit. Okay, go ahead. there and then all of a sudden a rabbit. OK, go ahead. And he just removed the what is she doing? She just removed the pillow from the scene.

Starting point is 00:09:54 OK, go ahead. A rabbit showed up right on the sidewalk, like right in front of us and looked at us. And my mom, like, grabs her chest. I go, Mom, look at that rabbit. She goes, oh, oh, my God. I go,? And she goes, your dad and I saw a rabbit together on our first date. Yeah, that's good. That's big synchronicity.

Starting point is 00:10:11 Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, and then the rabbit hopped away and then came back and stood and said, hey, sugar tits. right in front of his truck and just stared at it for like a minute and then hopped away. She still has his truck? Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:10:23 What is it? It's a 92 Ford F-150. Red. Nice. How does it run? It currently does not. Run. Get it running. Stick shift. Dude, you should bring that car to New York.

Starting point is 00:10:38 But isn't that wild? Isn't that crazy? It was like such a nice moment. We hugged each other. You were in Delaware this morning? Yeah. I played Philly this weekend. I went to my mom's Sunday and I saw my cousins, brought my cousins to the house and then we went to dinner and blah, blah, blah. It was very nice. Got to buy my mom dinner and take care of her. It was a good time. Is it maybe like your dad was in that rabbit?

Starting point is 00:11:12 That possibly be the thing that's going on It's like the dad sends the rabbit oh He's not in the rabbit. Yeah, he's not he saw the rabbits are personified. Oh, it's not like he's hiding in the rabbit. He's not like, fuck. The rabbit's not personified. It's not like he's hiding in the rabbit. It's a sign. I think they're both crazy. I imagine a guy being like, send a rabbit. You don't find synchronicity interesting? He's never had dead people.

Starting point is 00:11:39 Are you kidding? Who? Don't say grandparents, I'll kick you out of this. My dog when I was 12. My aunt died one eye week. Most of my friends have, most of my homies have died or killed themselves. Maybe that's something you didn't,

Starting point is 00:11:52 you could have asked about me. But you don't know me, you think you know me. Your close friends have died. That's my biggest flaw with you. Your close friends have died. You think you know me. I know you. You don't know nothing about me.

Starting point is 00:12:01 I do, I know everything I need to know. Brandon sees a pair of Jinkos floating on the street. He goes, there's Kevin. Oh, there's Justin going by. Yeah. There's someone getting a DUI on the side of the road. He's like, there he is. He goes, that's my buddy.

Starting point is 00:12:17 That's my boy. That's my buddy over there. Which one of your friends is in the wallet chain? That's me, actually. That's keeping my soul in that like the men in black cat What do you keep your soul in one item that would? Appear in people's lives. What would it be? Oh Great question that is mine would be Q-tips guitar used q-tips a guitar guitar. You don't even play guitar, but I got the spirit of music in me

Starting point is 00:12:47 That's cool Wind chimes The sound so when you hear that you go Jordan is mine would try to escape hell Now what do you think it actually would be? When a car is like, when a car backfires. When neighbors are playing music too loud. Yeah. When mine would be when a cat is in heat.

Starting point is 00:13:23 Mine would be, you know, when a bus goes like this? That's my favorite. What? I would be the rain on a windowsill. When you hear it, you know I'm there. Windowsill. Do you mean windshield? No.

Starting point is 00:13:42 You mean a sill. Sill, windowsill. You hear? sill. Sill. Window sill. You hear? Window sill. Do you hear me? Up there? I heard the cat. We can make the cat-

Starting point is 00:13:58 I'm gone. I watched all these ambulances go by and this old guy just held his hound dog and was just standing there like this, rolling his eyes at his hound dog. There was just, oh! For like 10 straight minutes as he went by, it was like, oh! It was the exact pitch. It was really good. And you could tell the old man was like,

Starting point is 00:14:14 we do this every day. We just sit here and yell. And stop a hound dog around. Yells. Yeah, maybe I would be, let's see. You'd be like when someone's getting like very small, Yeah, maybe I would be, what sound? You'd be like when someone's getting like very small, like what's that called, tinnitus,

Starting point is 00:14:32 you know what I'm talking about? Like, eeeeee. Like eeeeee. And you go, Jordan's here. That would be that. Ooh, I would want to be the feeling of your ears popping. Ooh, I'd want to be like a good burp. No. God, I do worry. You know a good burp. No, I do.

Starting point is 00:14:46 You know, when you fart and it feels good in your stomach. I had one of those. That would be you. So good. No, no. Object. You'd be a cigarette. Yeah, no, no. But you have to be an object that is a, when you see it, you're like, Whoa, that's okay. He would be eczema. You'd be the sound of that. She hates it. Um, hmm. I would be the sound if like, you know, when you're watching a cartoon and they fall into

Starting point is 00:15:20 trash cans, but you don't see it. Yeah. It goes, like a cat runs away and all that stuff and you don't see that, but you don't see it. Yeah. And it goes, you know, like a cat runs away and all that stuff and you don't see that, but you hear that sound. That'd be me. Let's curate your Tinder now. Yeah. Bring it in.

Starting point is 00:15:46 What do you think's good openers on Tinder? I'll help. The thing about prompts is that... Prompts are brutal. Prompts are brutal. There's no winning with the prompts because when you try to be funny... This is what we did on our first friend date. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:01 The first time I ever met you, we, we cultivated a Tinder program. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, that was fun. On a roof. Yeah, during the pandemic. Really? Mm-hmm. Remember we said the three of us hang out and I'd make us dinner?

Starting point is 00:16:17 Arcuri. Arcuri. But Roland was at the show. Yeah. Remember I'd make us dinner and we'd have movie night at my my apartment I had fun on that show. It was fun in the park Yeah, and when you it was in the park I was in the roof. Oh, and when you say it wasn't fun It makes me feel you weren't on the roof. That was a show on the roof. Anyway, whatever we did mushrooms Is that a different name different? I don't know man. There's a lot. There's a lot of hangs

Starting point is 00:16:43 We were pretty inseparable for a while. It was nice It was. I need a Gloveys. I know you don't call me at all You don't call me. I'm not allowed to use the telephone I need a supervisor. Oh, that's what we were gonna talk about that your relationship is going well. Yeah crazy Let me see. We don't need to talk about that Do you guys fight No, we have like We've a little like disagreements that need to be talked through but other than that

Starting point is 00:17:17 Okay, first picture we have a black and white sitting on the stairs I would immediately swipe now, let me see what's the pic Sitting on the stairs. I would immediately swipe. No, let me see what the pic get you're smoking You doing it's smoking. It's a cool picture. It is a cool picture, but it's fun. My pants are down. I'm having fun Yeah, I mean, it's cool. If you want to like put that up at the mall Maybe Let me see. This one's the second one Okay, it does embody him. Yeah, that's a, that is a good picture. This one's okay. I wouldn't put it second though.

Starting point is 00:17:47 I'd put that like last. This one's also okay. The cigarettes, dude. I know, but he smokes all the time. Oh yeah, but you're, you're cutting your, uh. I think this one's also okay. Now the next. That was good.

Starting point is 00:18:01 I look muscular. What are you, are you at a shooting range now? This is absolutely under no circumstance acceptable. the next. I was good. I look muscular. This is absolutely under no circumstance acceptable. Everything about that photo sucks so much. You suck. The hat is too big. Don't take it out on me. The hat is too big. You look like a little boy, but you also don't look like a little boy very clearly because of your face.

Starting point is 00:18:23 So you look like a man trying to be a little boy. Yeah. And it's really. man trying to be a little boy. Yeah, and it's really... Oh, it's very unsettling. It's also giving photo booths, like Mac photo booths. Oh, yes, yes, yes. What are you talking about? You're an adult. It's giving. It's giving. Don't turn this around.

Starting point is 00:18:37 It looks like you're an idiot. No, it's not. Cat looks cute. I look good. My jaw looks chiseled. I'm just trying to communicate this in ways that you can understand right back where the hat says I'm fun. It is giving photo booth and it is giving like when you used to have to go to the weird guy's house who was a dishwasher in order to smoke his weed

Starting point is 00:18:53 and you said they'd hang out with him for a brief period of time. That's what it's giving. That is exactly what it's giving. It's also giving me diarrhea to look at. This isn't a picture of your diet. Shut up, don't take it out on me. Oh, there's I look amazing in this.

Starting point is 00:19:07 Let me see. It's a good picture. Oh, when I drove my motorcycle, I look incredible on this photo. Yeah, that's a great. You look good in this too. Thank you. Yeah, we're laughing. It's joyous.

Starting point is 00:19:20 That one's good. This is I would this is this is the worst. Let me see. There is nothing that I'm more sick of than men quoting I think you should leave while we're dating. I've had that up. It says I don't even want to be around anymore. It speaks to the fact that I don't like being on gender. This is supposed to be your oh it's supposed to say I don't want to be around. This is your resume for pussy. Yeah, you're not this is crazy

Starting point is 00:19:53 You don't look like this what do I look like like see the head shape and turn it upside down You look like you're about to walk up to people and go I need to get a train home You have you're crazy You're crazy. It is kind of giving line cook. It's what are you talking about? It is line. That's a good picture. The graininess.

Starting point is 00:20:11 Samson looks amazing. Samson looks great. Yeah, I got a cat. I'm smiling. You smell like cooked meat in here. Yeah, are crazy. You look like you're wearing non slip shoes. I'm almost like soul.

Starting point is 00:20:23 When I see that, I go, oh, just what my fear was. Like by all of this, I'm like, he's not trashy. Is he? No, he's, he's cool. He's hip. And then I see that and I go, Oh, dude, this is a picture of me and the guy. You know what this is? You have a daughter. She's 14 years old. You see this picture on her phone from a man sent to you and you're like, who's that? And it's like, just some cool guy I met after school. You then lock her in a cage for the next six months. You guys are teaming up on me in a way that's not right. We're trying to help you.

Starting point is 00:20:53 That does not look bad. Fine. Pick a better picture. So there's, you have lots of good pictures of you. Well, here's the fall. Here's the problem. I think I look good in that. So I'm like, yeah, it's yeah.'s the problem. I think I look good in that. So I'm like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:06 It's yeah. You look. Okay, I hear you. Somebody change this picture. How do we do that? Oh, and after you do that after. So what are the what are the prompts and stuff say? Okay. You farting? Yeah. Oh, oh, there's men you're looking at. Here we go. Preview. Where are the prompts?

Starting point is 00:21:34 Hit the down arrow. I'm so excited to hear what you say to your prompts. Okay. Looking for short- turn open to long. You can find me socializing. I like to dress down. I tend to arrive fashionably late. My exit strategy looks like say bye first.

Starting point is 00:21:54 Never. You've never said bye first in your entire life. I say bye before I leave. And you always tell me I'm a too long goodbye guy. No, she's saying you're a too long goodbye guy. I don't know. No, my exit strategy is, your exit strategy is never say goodbye

Starting point is 00:22:10 until everybody else is left to be the last person in every room. Wait, that's the prompt? What? What? I always say goodbye and you go, you don't have to say goodbye. You like to dress down.

Starting point is 00:22:21 But say goodbye first sounds like you're the first one out. I tend to arrive fashionably late. My bio could use some work. I mean, this is like. Those say goodbye first. I tend to arrive fashionably late. My bio could use some work. I mean, this is like those aren't prompts. Those are just. Short term. Yeah, whatever. Prompts are like if you were lost on an island, what would you bring? That's a prime. I don't do any of the prompts.

Starting point is 00:22:39 It's a bye. The bye. Nobody likes someone that's late, though. Why would you even put that in? Because it's a truth. Fashionably late Fashionably late is like 15 minutes beforehand. You're like 15 minutes beforehand 15 minutes after yeah, okay. What do you want? What I hear you whining? My exit strategy looks like say bye first. I say goodbye. What's wrong with that?

Starting point is 00:23:06 That means I say goodbye before I leave. I was thinking it was I'm the first one to say goodbye. No, no, no, no. I mean, say goodbye before you leave. Damn, dude. What? Family plans. I don't want children.

Starting point is 00:23:19 I mean, it's just so harsh. That's what I love about it. I don't want to get twisted. Communication style better in person. Mm hmm. You got to go outside. Well. What is it? Love style touch.

Starting point is 00:23:39 You why is that you? Sorry. What's your love style? Um, do you love language? Yeah, what's your love style? Do you love language? Yeah, what's your love language? Yeah Touches just a scary word touch. That's the option. I this whole thing is kind of scary I didn't write any of those. It's a I know I know it's a click option. I know work out often Yeah in your bra Wait 105. Yeah in your bra What's your love language? Yeah, what's your love language? I'm an avoidant attachment fluctuating between

Starting point is 00:24:25 You're the one who said love language and now you're making fun of people who say love language. No, well what's yours? Since you're making fun of mine. Touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time. Quality time. There's one more I think. I like words of affirmation. Gift giving. Do you give words? You give words. think. I like words of affirmation. Gift giving.

Starting point is 00:24:46 Do you give words? You give words. Well I give words. You do give words. It makes me uncomfortable. What? What? It makes you uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:24:54 Yeah you're very, you're good at saying I appreciate this. Why does it make you uncomfortable? Scary. What about you? Your touch. Touch. Words of affirmation. Touch is fine if you didn't have that picture in it.

Starting point is 00:25:06 This guy touching? This guy loving touch? That guy loves cat. Look at his form of touch with the cat. He's nice. He's all known to his rib cage. I mean, you were the lowest weight you've ever been here because of your ex. You were suicidal and boy does it show.

Starting point is 00:25:24 Do I look bad? You look like a 19 year old line cook who's on a date. ever been here because of your ex. You were suicidal and boy does it show. Do I look bad? You look like a 19 year old lying cook who's under forehead pushed up against Ethan. Coyote's forehead is pushed up against his chest. Yeah, that's a healthy man. I would fuck, I mean, I would never, but you know what I mean? But this-

Starting point is 00:25:41 Caught ya. Caught ya. Never in a million years. Caught ya. This. Cut, clip, uh oh. Caught ya. Never in my years. Caught ya. This. Ha ha ha. Cut, clip that.

Starting point is 00:25:47 Get away from me. Okay, great. Now let's look at your, now let's. Have my profile. Jordan and Ian kissing it. No, no, no, no. That's not fair. I know, but let's, they say.

Starting point is 00:25:59 Hold on. Jorge? Do you wanna read the profile of what I say? Uh oh. Cause this might be bad. I guess. I think if I was with a girl in a tree, I wouldn't be kissing. I'd be going, how do we get out of this tree?

Starting point is 00:26:13 About me. What? Maniac, loud talker, looking for same height, 9-11, what's the best band to make out and why is it the Deftones? That's pretty cool. That's cool. Right? Did you say 5'11"?

Starting point is 00:26:32 I said 9'11". You're 40! It also says your age right there while they read that. So what? What's yours say? I'd love to curl up in a book. I don't have one. I don't go on them. You did. Did you? Yeah, she was on Raya, she was on go on. You did. Did you? Yeah, she was on Raya, she was on Hinge.

Starting point is 00:26:46 You were on Raya? She was on all of them. Yeah. What are you trying to fuck the kid from Sky High? Yeah, and her first picture was her. It was her and TJ Miller. Count it. Her first picture. On Raya?

Starting point is 00:26:56 Yeah. And then it was your first picture, you and TJ? No, you couldn't see TJ, you couldn't see it was him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which is my thing. Abs under nose, no way. I remember I saw him. I'll pull up the picture.

Starting point is 00:27:04 Pull up the picture. You know it, because it was him. No way. I remember I saw him. I'll pull up the picture. Pull up the picture. You know it because it was him. It literally showed the back of his head. I could have sworn you could tell it was TJ. Never. No. What about I like concerts, music, sushi, coffee and tattoos? That's pretty cool. That's fine. I think that's fine.

Starting point is 00:27:19 So you think the bio is bad? Let me just edit the bio. What should the bio? You make my bio. Let's see. I think the whole thing is a little off. I think it's I don't really know what I'm talking about. I haven't I'm an IRL guy. I'm all about bad in real life. Yeah, me too.

Starting point is 00:27:35 I'm a vibe guy. You can't. But don't I can't find a picture of me that looks not good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you don't say I'm looking for vibes. You delete it and then you just go out into the world and try to meet a lady on your own, you wookie nerd. Yeah, I do just fine. I do just fine. I like this guy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:57 All right, there we go. Yeah, I do good, all right? But I'm looking for something more long-term. Look emotional, but actually. Yeah, I do good at getting to push. I feel bad, I just wrote, I'm having for something more long-term look of ocean. Yeah, I do good again to push. I feel bad I just wrote I'm having a tough time Take that picture of him like looking like a crackhead cook and just make him like frowning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, bio me up. Give me a good one.

Starting point is 00:28:32 OK, bio that I would want to read or bio that you would want to read? Well, I don't know if that's good, too. Look at this. Oh, my God. Look at that. Ethan is giving a Zen massage to Coyote and she's going full Chinese. She's like, oh, yeah, what's a bio you would want to read? I'm a half motorcycle. Mine would be Dear Jordan Jensen, you're fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:58 Jordan, I will ignore you. And also I am I'm a 10cc motorcycle. 60. I don't know 60 I don't know. I don't know. OK, about me. Here we go. I hate that. I hate that I'm on Tinder. No. OK.

Starting point is 00:29:18 Give me a reason to delete this app. Yeah, right. How about fun guy looking for some for wanderlust? Or someone that I don't know. I'm a fun guy. I don't know, dude. How about I eat ass? I had that before.

Starting point is 00:29:39 Yeah, they'll take that off. They'll take that off, though, wouldn't they? Aren't they going to take you down? I said I was DTEA. Girls are go, what's DTEA? I'd go, down to eat ass. And then they'd block me. Well, hey, that's actually good

Starting point is 00:29:50 because you're getting responses. You're getting people reaching out. I should go, come over and find her out. Yeah, exactly. What about this? About me. All right, it's time to start dating for real. That's a good one. Yeah. Oh

Starting point is 00:30:07 Come on That's not every cowboy has to come home to Yeah, okay. I love this just a cowboy trying to lasso his next meal every cowboy has to Yeah, every cowboy has to come back to the range why don't you then say every rose has its thorn we're talking like every sailor needs to no I like cowboy every cowboy has to come home has to return to Every cowboy has to saddle up. That's good. Every cowboy dies a dysentery. Every cowboy needs to, when I die, let my horse go wild. Every cowboy has to hang up a saddle because I only ride bareback.

Starting point is 00:31:02 Every cowboy needs to quit roaming. No, no, say No, say this. Say this. No condoms, no fatties. All right. It's time to start dating for real. Every cowboy has to come has to every cowboy has to saddle up. Are you my wife? Are you my wife? I actually think that's really good.

Starting point is 00:31:21 Yeah, me too. Every cowboy has to saddle up. Are you my wife or are you my horse? Say nay. Are you my horse? I got a sugar cube. How about every cowboy? Has to. Indel horse is not horse faces.

Starting point is 00:31:50 Every cowboy has to wrangle its mare. You're just writing what you want every cowboy Jordan's law, stop adding cowboy to everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys talking about cowboys. So why does your profile just mention cowboys and horses and dirt? I know how to take every cowboy's got to eat dirt sometime. A cowboy. I'm I'm just a cowboy that knows how to tame a wild stallion.

Starting point is 00:32:21 I'm going to break this thoroughbred. Wild Stallion. Time to break this thoroughbred. Thoroughbred and make him and make him. You writing it. Thoroughbred and make him. Time to break this thoroughbred and make him a.

Starting point is 00:32:43 Family horse. What I'm saying is I want to park in your stable. What I'm saying is I'm a little man who wants to ride you. Your your bio should just keep going until the last thing is I just want to fuck a horse. I want to fuck a horse's sweet ass. I'm. I want you to give me a weird nickname and ride me. Okay. If I hear gunshots, I start running.

Starting point is 00:33:16 What's a good, not that face. What's a good bio? Let me quote Scott's songs to you. Oh, no, what it's. Yeah, I ska songs to you. Oh, no. What it's. Yeah, I'm trying to be honest now. That sucks. That sucks. OK. And I wouldn't quote ska. Let me quote ska. Unless it was a song special brew by bad manners and skank and how does that go?

Starting point is 00:33:38 Which? Yes, it's true. I love you and I always wait. You're my special brew How about I have no ex-girlfriend lingering in the background? That's good currently. Yeah, what I currently have no ex-girlfriend lingering in the back. How about this? I have never had a girlfriend and Don't know how to kiss Two things not true. I kiss with my eyes open. About me.

Starting point is 00:34:06 Working on it. About me. I'm an old soul. Looking for a young hole. I'm... Ethan. That really tickled him. Your coping mechanisms are starting to become unsavory.

Starting point is 00:34:27 It's time to give Rula a shot. Rula hooks you up with in-network licensed therapists that accept most major insurances. Typical Rula users have a copay of just 15 bucks per session. So you can get the help you need without breaking the bank. It's time to start taking care of yourself. Rula is a great time. Check it out. If you, if, if you've had trauma, like looking at a face like this for far too long, get Rula.

Starting point is 00:35:07 They'll take care of you. We don't. We're against the other stuff. We like this one. We've actually vetted them. We did this one. Yes. Yes.

Starting point is 00:35:16 Yes. We like this one. Yes. The other ones we don't mention them by name. Right. But this is a good one. Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula. Rula rules. Rula rules. Yeah. Join the thousands who have already turned to Rula for support on their journey to better mental health and well-being. Getting started is easy. Join

Starting point is 00:35:32 today by visiting rula.com slash Ian. When you sign up, I've already asked for them to change it. Okay. You remember I asked for names to change. I don't know why you're saying anything. Because of the face you're making. When you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about them. Tell them it was the show, Be an Ian with Jordan. And when you sign up, they'll ask how you heard. I said that. Support the show and let them know we sent you. Go to rula.com slash I N now and connect to the licensed therapist

Starting point is 00:36:05 who truly cares your mental health matters and we will be changing the promo code soon. But use that use it. Use it for now. It helps. It does help. It's a three-letter word. It's good. We should mention doing the ads more during the show. Like, hey, just so you know, you know? Okay. Oh, I'm an Abbey looking for my retard boyfriend. What's one of the quotes from that song? Be the lion to my lioness. I'll bring you gummy bears, not flowers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. And, and, uh...

Starting point is 00:36:49 I see colors as days. How about, how about let's, let's get sugar high. Yeah. Let's, let's drink too much soda and watch Love on the Spectrum. Oh, God. No. I like, I like, let's get a sugar high and walk each other, lick each other's arches, and lick each other's pussies on the Simpsons game.

Starting point is 00:37:12 And let's let me finger you while you play Street Fighter 2. Let me tongue punch your box while you fucking while you fucking. How about this? How about this? While you fucking while you fucking Let me tongue punch your mud box while you fucking shoot hoops at Dave and Buster's Then you read let me eat your ass while you go rags throw it you ready to buy and then on the next thing you go Oh, god damn it. There's more You go damn I thought that was it. Okay, well. This is what I'm writing. Write, write owner and operator of boobs.com.

Starting point is 00:37:51 Yeah. FBI, federal body inspector. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Right. Right. All right. I did it. What did you write? All right. I wrote a good one. What I wrote, let's get sugar high and rent a hotel even though we live here. Yeah, I love that. Oh, that's a great one. Thanks. That's a great one. What I wrote. Let's get sugar high and rent a hotel even though we live here. Yeah, I love that

Starting point is 00:38:06 Thanks, that's a great one. Let's bump my head expensive. Yeah. Wait, what do you? Just be keep making it a five star. Yeah, daddy. Yeah, let me buy you lobster. Yeah. What are you talking about? Okay, now I'm gonna what about what about let's let's drink too much soda and Call boys we like and hang up when they pick up. No Okay favorites, let's play spin the bottle what that's so bad No one wants no one wants to do that You what? How about this one?

Starting point is 00:38:45 This one's better. That one? Yeah. Are you looking at pictures on his phone? That's a great picture. Yeah. That's a great picture. I don't know if black and white is good for the first pick though.

Starting point is 00:38:55 Not for the first pick. That was just replacing the bad pick. Okay, good, good. But that's another pick with my pants down. I'm going to delete that one. Which one? The first one? Yeah. All right. Too serious. What about um... And then the one with me is going second. You

Starting point is 00:39:11 have friends in that one. I'm looking for the lion to my lioness. That's nice. No, we already did it. What about I want to put on headphones while you tell me about your day. Stay away from my ears while we watch Space Jam looking. I'm a little bit love on the spectrum, a little bit 90 day fiance. Yeah. Yeah. Elevator pitch for me. Yeah. Love on the spectrum meets me. Malcolm in the middle. Love on the spectrum meets me Malcolm in the middle Love on the spectrum beats cops I'm love on the spectrum meets cops. Coyote hates that.

Starting point is 00:40:08 No, she likes it. Oh, Coyote loves that. Get him. Yes. No, you're right. Well, now, Coyote, you don't need to shut the fuck up. Her hackles are up. You can see her. Her hackles are up. Those are some sweet hackles.

Starting point is 00:40:28 She's seeing red flags. Oh, God. Come on, be nice. Oh, she likes her uncle Ian. She likes her uncle Ian. You know, I could be your father one day. No. Oh, brother. Get him, Coyote. All right, now what'd you say?

Starting point is 00:40:49 I said I'm a little love on, I'm love on the spectrum meets cops. Great. Love on the spectrum meets cops. Take away the I'm. You guys really are a will they don't they? Huh? Should I say elevator pitch for dating me? Love on the spectrum meets cops. Just Love on the Spectrum meets cops.

Starting point is 00:41:05 Just say Love on the Spectrum meets cops. I don't know about that. It was funny in the room, but I don't know if it'll play. Should I take out the thing you should leave? Oh my God. You see, you see how you took that out? How you took it out of the wrapper. It's an addiction.

Starting point is 00:41:28 OK, should I say, should I say, should I say all you need to know about me is I'm like love on the spectrum meets cops out any time. What a good. Should I say elevator pitch for dating me? If you ask me again, it's not going to change my answer. I wasn't getting an answer. You can do that.

Starting point is 00:41:52 Yeah. I mean, yes. Should I answer some prompts? My parents will like you if you show whole. Good. Yeah. Now you do every prompt, actually do every prompt. I'm my weird but true story is I had surgery on my balls in sixth grade. Yeah, because of your perennium.

Starting point is 00:42:19 No, that's the area between the balls and the hole. It didn't drop. No, I had a testicular torsion, a piece of tissue circled around my ball and almost killed it. No, it's that little piece of tissue you're talking about. Doctor, I always like the idea of balls going like this. What? Yeah, don't like they're like balls. They're like this? It's like, god, it's so hot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:49 With the, that's so funny. The balls is going. Do you mind? I said that last night on stage, I was like, it's so funny that all of you guys have little balls in here and they're like, I want to see. I want to see. My balls are huge. I have huge balls.

Starting point is 00:43:04 Sorry, Ian. My balls are fucking huge, bro. Really?, I want to see. My balls are huge. I have huge balls. Sorry, Ian. My balls are fucking huge, bro. I've got big balls. I think they're getting bigger. They're getting bigger. Prove it. They're getting huge. Don't they get bigger forever?

Starting point is 00:43:16 God, I hope not. You should get them. Oh no, that's noses and ears. The nose-eared ball doctor? The nose-eared ball doctor. No, but noses and ears grow forever. That fucked up. No, they go forever. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:43:37 Yeah. Meet me in 10 years. I measure my ears. Well, of course you're going to meet each other. You're going to be married. Dang it. Have you ever offic you're gonna meet each other. You're gonna be married, Captain, dang it. Have you ever officiated a wedding? Yes.

Starting point is 00:43:50 No. I signed a marriage license on stage in Philly. Whoa, that's cool. And my cousin Michelle was there, and I had her come on stage and sign it with me too. I almost did, but then I kind of broke up the wedding. What? Really?

Starting point is 00:44:02 I said, what is sex like with a minuet? No, don't marry. Oh my God. If we got married, where would we get married? We would get married in hell because that's the only place it would happen. That's why. Parting into a dog.

Starting point is 00:44:16 I did and it was a mistake. I would marry Brendan before I marry you. Marry Ethan. Well, okay, well now I don't feel as good. I would marry. before I marry you. Marry Ethan. Well, okay, well now I don't feel as good. You're only an option when the other choice is hell. What do you think of that? Well... That's not true. You're like tenth down.

Starting point is 00:44:36 True. Yeah, I'm just elevating my... Okay. She heard about my balls. Maybe thirteenth. Huh? 13th? I wouldn't marry you. That's pretty cool.

Starting point is 00:44:50 I wouldn't marry you. What makes you think I wouldn't want to marry any of you? What makes you think I really want to get married to anyone? Wouldn't it be fun if we all lived in the same apartment complex? Wouldn't that be fun? It would be so cool. Yeah. What makes you think that everyone again? I'm here.

Starting point is 00:45:22 It would be very cool if we all lived in an apartment complex together. Yeah. Right. Don't you think so? Why? Because I don't even let you know what hotel or my minks do you knock all the time? We don't know. You guys really know, dude, she's a. You when you guys have a hotel room and you're on the road, you fucking just knock. I knocked on her door once to say goodbye. And ever since then, she I was telling myself, Jordan, let me know what room she's in.

Starting point is 00:45:52 Even though we stayed in that room together and I drove it to the airport. Asshole. Yes. In Tulsa. Whoa. So we're moved up on the list. Number two. OK. You gave me I hung out with you and Taylor in fucking Vegas. In the hotel room. Yeah. So don't say you never give me the hotel room.

Starting point is 00:46:16 Most of the time I don't. One time. Times three. If Taylor was there, then it's already a party. But if I'm like alone, it's sleep time on the road. Road time is sleep time. You party time, road time. I catch you on sleep.

Starting point is 00:46:28 You party? What do you do on the road? Candy. Staying up. Candy's okay. Bowling is cool. Bowling. Bowling's great.

Starting point is 00:46:36 Any activity, I guess we have a long wake. You guys gotta go next time you do the punch line in Oregon. I know that I said wakes and not walks by the way. You mean helium? The helium, yeah. I'm about to be there. You gotta go to next level. It's a huge arcade place.

Starting point is 00:46:54 Are there windows? There's walls. There's walls that lead to the outside eventually, but no, there's no windows. I'm out on no windows. You wanna see what it looks like? Yes, please. It's fucking amazing. I hate Xenos.

Starting point is 00:47:07 I'll do an escape room. I would love to do an escape room. God, I wish I could escape this room. What? Hey, what? Hey, that doesn't even bother me that you said that. How was Ottawa? I'm there next weekend. Ottawa. Play on. I play Ottawa yet. You play Ottawa Life Lounge there next weekend. Ottawa. I don't play Ottawa. I don't play Ottawa yet.

Starting point is 00:47:26 You play Ottawa. Life lounge. I'm there next weekend. I have no idea. Atlanta. You do Atlanta helium. I speak French. That one's tough to sell, but great club. Alpharetta, Georgia. Very difficult.

Starting point is 00:47:38 It's not Atlanta. No. Really? It's all for it. At. For it is. This. Whoa. Just swipe on that. Are really it's all for it out of Whoa just swipe on that it looks awesome, but I'm not really a game girl. Oh, it's fucking sick. They got pinballs and all this It's oh it is kind of it's just cool. It's like cool to go to and like look at and shit Why are all these pictures of children in here Brendan? of children in here, Brendan.

Starting point is 00:48:11 No, I go for long walks. Long. I what else do we do? Sketches sketch on the road. That's a good one. Sketch on the road. And a lie from New York. It's who gives a fuck. When you do sketches? Or like, drawn? Sketches.

Starting point is 00:48:28 Featuring... Like, make sketches. Jordan Jensen. Like what? We did one about a girlfriend who was into a fall girlfriend, but she was really just a horrifying ghoul. And it was like, no, she loves fall, man. And people were like, I know, mine loves pumpkin.

Starting point is 00:48:41 And it was like, mine... It's a different kind of love of fall. And I was like, one, two, three, four, five, six. And I had blood. That's funny. I thought the counting was really scary. That is funny. That's funny.

Starting point is 00:48:50 Come on. Chunky monkey. I go for walks. I go to record stores. I go to thrift shops. I'll do that too. I go to arcades. I love record stores on the road. I always, I get it.

Starting point is 00:49:03 I get it. But sometimes I walk in there and you look around and there's one guy who's like. Hello. And you're like, hey, just look at me. And he's like, and then when you walk out without buying something, you feel like his whole life is gonna crumble that day.

Starting point is 00:49:18 You walk out and he goes, my son is gonna die. Babe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I ain't coming home. Yo, Johnny, we ain't gonna have that money for the operation. Yeah. Don't you feel like that? Dude, I walked into a store in Philly, this like way expensive thrift store, and the guy was like, you're my first customer today.

Starting point is 00:49:40 And I go, hey, how are you? He goes, I'm filling in for my daughter. It's her shop. And I go, all right. And I took a look and I go, have a good are you? He goes, I'm filling in for my daughter. It's her shop. And I go, all right. And I took a look and I go, have a good day. And he goes, you too. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's why I don't go to record stores.

Starting point is 00:49:52 I don't have a record player. That's crazy. There's more to that story of like that guy is definitely like, don't worry, honey, I'm going to sell every piece of goddamn clothing in this year. Oh, dude. It was one of those. I could tell the scenario was a girl wanted to have a clothing store. The dad bought it and then the girl ends up not even working there. And the dad sees every day what a bad investment it was.

Starting point is 00:50:14 Yeah, they're like people walk in and they go, oh, no, like this store started as a clothing store, but everybody keeps returning it. So we had to call it a thrift shop. Are you actually getting a. Do you want out of this? Oh, I was thinking about it because these two make sense if it's Leonardo DiCaprio. So if I just keep their accidents, so if I just keep going, then it's very funny.

Starting point is 00:50:36 Wait, wait, wait. What? What? I got I got two finger tattoos. One of them is like the spinny thing from Inception. And then I also had a lighthouse. And that could be, what's that movie? Shutter Island. Shutter Island. Right.

Starting point is 00:50:53 So I was thinking about maybe getting like a rat for Departed and then like, but then that's gay, right? Grapes. Grapes. For Gilbert Grape. Because I love food. What is the, what is the? And then I got a cheeseburger over here and a french fries unsolicited

Starting point is 00:51:10 Brendan himself. And in my in the palm of my hand is chili. Every time and then I get a fluff another and I put it in my mouth. Every podcast he has to call him so fat for no reason. Grapefruit health food. More like no raisins. Because I'm a fat guy. Yeah, so I don't know, but that would be kind of lame, though, right? If I got like, yeah, that's like a house.

Starting point is 00:51:49 And why do you get the spinny thing? And I I just wanted it all my tattoos are just like wouldn't it be cool If something looked like that that there so I like just got it like none of these mean anything Yeah, but they're The doc doesn't mean anything the dog you said doc The doc the painting of the doc. This is actually my father. That's so fucked up. He's the most fucked up tattoo that has ever been. I mean, in the car too.

Starting point is 00:52:12 I got it on acid too. Dude, of the fact that you got a tattoo in that spot. I know. And it's this. It's what happened. What were you thinking? I was on acid. Yeah, but who would ever let you do that? He should be the guy who tattooed the guy on acid.

Starting point is 00:52:28 I don't know. Is he licking? We got this together on his tongue. I know. Yeah. What do you get? I got this is one of my favorite ones. Sleepy lady. That's a great. I did it so well. I was thinking about getting other versions of this, like like a cactus,

Starting point is 00:52:41 like a neon cactus. Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, like a little like theme a little bit. Yeah. Look cool. And then maybe. Neon cheese burger. Turn my fucking arm off.

Starting point is 00:52:49 Lick the dog. What is on the dog's tongue? Yeah, what's he licking? Is it peanut butter? It's not peanut butter. It does look like peanut butter. Is it peanut butter? It just looks like saliva.

Starting point is 00:52:59 Who is this guy? He was the guy that was tattooing at Skankfest at the time. And then what is your like colorful starry night tattoo? Well this was a cover-up. Sitting on the dock cause I'm gay. Watching the guys. What did you cover up? When I was in high school, rat rat my buddy bought a tattoo gun and The the logo for my band at the time was essentially the ween logo Or like the Nirvana logo just like a smiley face and whatever

Starting point is 00:53:41 Yeah It's cover up great cover up and he didn't even put a thing on. He drew this with like a highlighter and then just went over it. What was that? I flew my fucking face. The car is the best one. Oh, thanks. No.

Starting point is 00:53:58 Yeah, that one's sick. What? Why is that? Thank God that's the mic hand. The mic thing you can see. What? It's amazing. What are you talking about? Yeah, it's awesome, dude. Yeah. The mic thing you can see. What? It's amazing. What are you talking about? Yeah, it's awesome, dude. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:07 The dog is so fucked up. Don't even get me started, bro, on your fucking Plato ass arm that you just fucking stuck on a newspaper. He has the hockey team. That's like my... That was my fucking... That was the Psyosset Braves logo, dude.

Starting point is 00:54:22 Yeah. That was my high school logo. Who cares? I don't. This is cool. Bugs Bunny as Tony Montana. That is funny. Got you giggling.

Starting point is 00:54:37 Yeah. What's the skull? Should we? Let's get tattoos. For decoration. I would love that. Next week. We'd love that. You want to do that? I need to get tattooed again. Me too. Yeah, let's do tattoos for decoration. I would love like next week. We'd love to do that. I need to get tattooed again

Starting point is 00:54:46 Me too. Yeah, let's do that next week That'd be really fun my bank piece. I was thinking about doing rock of ages, you know rock of ages No, the woman coming out of the water holding on to the rock the cross made out of a rock Or you think I should do the Reaper on a horse If you can't do nothing you get a woman you can numb why do you think I should do the reaper on a horse? If you do the reaper, you can't do numbing. If you get a woman, you can numb. Why? What do you think I should do on the back?

Starting point is 00:55:09 You can't get the angel of death with numbing cream. Why? It's too fucked up. Why? Because he's like a pussy or something? Yeah. Because he's like a big fat pussy for doing this? Or something?

Starting point is 00:55:20 Because he's a huge fat gay pussy. Because he's a big fat gay pussy. Because he's a butthole, if you made a butthole vagina. Leave my big fat gay pussy. Because he's a big fat gay pussy. Because he's a butthole if you made a butthole vagina. Leave my big fat gay pussy out of this. That's what your mom said. About you, not about her, you know, about her. I wasn't talking about her lady parts. I was talking about her.

Starting point is 00:55:40 That was the name of my construction company. Lady parts. Whoa. Lady parts carpentry. No was the name of my construction company. Lady Parts. Whoa. Lady Parts Carpentry. No, it was Gail's pussy. It was called Ian. All right. Just kidding, buddy. I haven't seen you in a while, so I'm busting the ball a little bit. I'm excited. Zoomies for you both. I have zoomies for you.

Starting point is 00:56:02 That's part of my vows. Yes. Yes. Tell us more like third Mike. What's up? Nothing My life is okay. It's you know, it's it's it's life man. What do you do during the day? You want to know my day? Yeah. I wake up. Yeah. Out of bed, I rub a comb through my head. I wake up. I grab a brush and put a little makeup. You want to do?

Starting point is 00:56:37 No, I wake up. I make a list of everything I'm doing that day from the minute I go back to bed. Which is pretty crazy, I think. You know, I'm doing that day from the minute I go back to bed, which is pretty crazy, I think. You know, I like put it in my reminders. I literally write get up, make bed, brush teeth, shower. Food, breathe. You do that in the morning?

Starting point is 00:56:56 Mm-hmm. Okay. Because it feels good to get rid of it. Feels good to be like, I'm doing something with my day. Yeah, that's smart. Smoke some weed. You write smoke weed? As a day. Yeah, that's smart. Smoke some weed. You write smoke weed. As a given.

Starting point is 00:57:08 I do. I do. You smoke weed. Oh, no, I don't. Right. No, no, no, no, no. I smoke weed and then I write. That's what I thought you meant. Like, do you write high? Yes. To answer your question.

Starting point is 00:57:21 No, no. To answer my question. You better No. To answer my question. You better fucking believe it, brother. So I'll I'll do all that stuff and then and then, you know, I'll listen to music. And I started getting into Legos and all that shit. Where are we at at 5 p.m.? What's going on around five? You know, I really can consult the list. I don't really. Yeah, let's hear a list.

Starting point is 00:57:43 Yeah, let's see if I did this to the list today. Let's hear a list. I don't really. Yeah, let's hear a list. Yeah. Let's see if I did this, do the list today. Let's hear a list. Oh, well this was from yesterday. You wanna hear yesterday's? Wake up, make bed. Clean Oreo's litter, feed Oreo. Go pick up laundry, change into clothes. Go to therapy.

Starting point is 00:58:03 Breathe in, breathe out. Wipe ass. I want your therapy spot. Send an email to blah blah blah. Go to dinner. See Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. What happened between therapy and dinner? Stop. Sit there.

Starting point is 00:58:19 Stare at the wall. Reels. Reels. Yeah, watch Reels. Reels. Doom scroll. Yeah, doom scroll. Try not to think about it. Unload bullets from a gun. Reload bullets from a gun. Stare into a mirror. Place one bullet in the chamber. Place self in the chamber. Put gun to head. I still have to pay my con head bill.

Starting point is 00:58:42 And that's pretty much it. Like that's what I do. That's, you know, What about you? Sorry, that wasn't interesting. No, we just have to know it's all data. What do you do? So 5 p.m. I'm usually taking a nap. Yeah. Because I just ate at like four or 3.30

Starting point is 00:59:00 and I need to sleep. Do you wanna hear my day? Yeah. Pull the chair, frozen cherries out of the fridge. Pull frozen blueberries out of the fridge. Uh, uh, go to grab the dog, get her leashed up. First, we got to get her amped. We get the dog amped.

Starting point is 00:59:13 Go to park, go to park for about an hour and a half. Walk down to dog beach, throw small sticks into pond so dog can get pond. Walk back, um, then put the cherries that have been thawed a little bit and the blueberries into oatmeal that I've cooked. Take poop around that time because I got coffee on the way to the dog park. Take poop while oatmeal is cooking. Eat the oatmeal while maybe, oh,

Starting point is 00:59:34 maybe we're reading a little something. Typically not. Typically put on a little TV show just for a minute. Just while we eat. Just while we eat. Sure. Turn it off. Then what time are we at there? Realistically, 3 p.m. hate to say it. Whoa. Yeah wake up late wake up around 12 30. You wake up around 12 30? Yeah. Whoa. Go to bed at 4. Whoa. Coyote sleeps till... Why do you go to bed at 4? What do you do until 4? Suffer. When does this when does the suffering start? I probably sounds like a fucking metallic one. I am. And when does the suffering start? Yeah, I guess you're out in the.

Starting point is 01:00:16 When you get back from Spongebob, like one thirty. So what you just chill. And what do you do between one thirty and four? I love TV. I love TV too. I love TV. This is the first year of my life where I can admit this. I love TV. What TV do you love?

Starting point is 01:00:32 All of it. Not all of it, but I like watching bad, all the shows that come out that are like a TV series. Do you watch TV on couch or do you watch TV in bed? In bed. You definitely watch Younger with Hilary Duff. No, no, no. Let the rain fall down.

Starting point is 01:00:45 I'm doing this joke. I said this thing yesterday on stage where I said, I like when I sneeze at home because I just go, bah, just let it all out. And I go, let the rain fall down. No. And this is my brother Duffel Bagley. I go to the gym. I go to the gym. You're ruined now. Oh Bagley. I go to the gym.

Starting point is 01:01:05 I go to the gym. Oh, I'm going to the gym. I got a gym membership. I fucked my knees up though. I have to get... I fucked my knee up at the gym the other day squatting for the first time in forever. Both my knees fucking suck. Dude, it is such a... And it's going to rain tomorrow, so I was going to ride my bike.

Starting point is 01:01:21 Let the rain fall down And wash my hands in Let it wash away My sanity So I was gonna ride my bike The pain this is now in Profile on tinder which one the Which what song do I do you like the one that you don't like a lot because it repeats a lot. Oh right, the, how's that fucking song go? I'm blue, da ba dee boo boo da. No, I love that song. That song's great.

Starting point is 01:01:50 That song rules. What's that fucking song? What is that song? It's where she's, people sing it while they sip coffee on Instagram. Oh, I hate it. What? Oh, I wake in the morning and I step outside

Starting point is 01:02:03 and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I What's going on And I said Can't sing too much of it or we'll get demonetized. Oh really? What if we're singing it literally like a bunch of beagles going... You know those dogs online that are like, I say I love you. It's always huskies.

Starting point is 01:02:46 I think I sent that to you. I hate that song. Yeah. It's not great. She, they, Linda Perry, the singer of Four Non Blondes, they just played that song live for the first time in like 20 years. That's cool. That. Not cool. That's all just itches.

Starting point is 01:03:06 Like it's just I just don't like the sound of it. Not a naps. Mini naps. Yoga. I take mini naps. Yeah. How do you how do you guys not get mad at yourself for the naps? 30 minute nap. 30 minute nap. Take a 30 minute power nap. Yeah, you just take a power nap because I wake up after 20 minutes. I go, oh, it's only been 20 minutes. I can sleep again.

Starting point is 01:03:25 And then like an hour and a half later, I'm like, ugh! All you gotta do is just get yourself to get up and your energy is up. I think with my sleep apnea, I'm waking up nonstop and I don't realize it. So when I wake up in the morning, When I wake in the morning and I get up,

Starting point is 01:03:42 I'm like, oh, I'm so tired. I'm like, oh, I'm so tired. I'm like, oh, I'm so tired. Wake in the morning and a girl's had a little girl a little girl a little girl a little girl a little girl I do a lot of meow singing meow meow meow meow I do a lot of marching around my apartment singing to the cats

Starting point is 01:03:58 Oh I do a lot of singing to Coyote a lot Oh yeah of course you gotta sing to him He's just a guy and he's a little guy, but he's also my best friend. Mine is I pretend that I've never seen Coyote. So I go, oh, I've never seen something like this. What even is it a tiny deer? Is it a baby fox? I can't. I just want to rip her ear off. I know. I just asked my cat how he's doing and I go Hello, how are you and how are you doing? He goes meow meow. Do you feed him? He's black and white automatic I feed him. No, I don't put it put in the automatic feeder. Do you feed him dry or wet both? I give him a handful of dry and then I give him a

Starting point is 01:04:48 25% of a wet. Does he wake you up in the morning waiting for food? No, dude, he rules. He fucking, he's just chilling on the couch. I get up and he's like, and then I get him food. And when I'm getting him food, he's like, meow, meow, oh my god. I always get out of bed for hours.

Starting point is 01:05:02 She sleeps in later than I do. Are you guys getting along better, you and Oreo? Yeah, I mean we're fucking boys. He like comes into my bed now. Yeah! Oh that's great. He's not cuddling yet, but he's just like, he's feeling it out.

Starting point is 01:05:13 I like that about him. He's great. Oh, I have a camera and I took a picture of him. I got a camera because you introduced me to one. Yeah, and I took a picture of him because he has such a human face in this photo. See if I can find it. When it wash away my sanity. I know the nose fucks me up the nose fucks me up. Look at it. Hey hey sorry get him. Get him. Kill him. I didn't like you. I didn't like you.

Starting point is 01:05:40 Kill him, kill him, kill him. I didn't like you, I didn't like you. Well, I don't know where this photo is. You got a cat cam? Yeah, I got two. Me too, I saved the videos of them wrestling together. What are you, such a goodly little bee. Samson and Glenn. Let me see.

Starting point is 01:05:57 This was in the other night. Sorry for my leg. Wow. My leg. Wow. He's the best. How great is that? That couch is fucked up, dude.

Starting point is 01:06:08 I think you're ignoring the, I think you're missing the point. I wanna step outside. Woo woo woo woo woo. Have you ever watched Daredevil? Woo woo woo woo woo. Do you watch it? The movie?

Starting point is 01:06:22 No, no, there's a television show. Is it good? It's okay, it's a little corny. I've been doing a- You know what I'm against? You, no, there's a television show. Is it good? It's okay. It's a little corny. I've been doing a... You know what I'm against? You know what I think was a bad show? I'll say it right now.

Starting point is 01:06:31 Here, now. Penguin. I'm the biggest Batman fan. Wow. Gay, stupid, and dumb. Jesus Christ. Oh, what the fuck? That's what you get.

Starting point is 01:06:39 Yeah, that's what you get. That's what you get. That was the penguin. That was the penguin. It was the penguin going, I wish I could do an impression of him. I said gay, stupid, and dumb, and then Elvis Presley hit me in the head. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:06:49 Yeah, the Penguin sucked. The Penguin went, I'm not gay, stupid, and dumb. I like the Penguin. I hated that dude Vic, though. I was like, what is this? Ah, nevermind, because it's a spoiler. But yeah, that show, I like that show. I love all that man suffer.

Starting point is 01:07:05 I hate the Robert Pattinson and anything attached to him with Batman's bed. Wait, where was that? Where was where Batman was in the Bane one or Penguin was in the Bane one. What? What? That penguin from the show was in. Yeah, it was in. I was born in the dark. No, no, no. Pattinson was in Pattinson. Yeah, he was in the rubber pens and one one which is a horrible movie no it's not so bad why

Starting point is 01:07:32 is it bad she's the worst catwoman wasn't that nice they're wrestling so I mean she wasn't a great catwoman no but doesn't mean it's a bad movie and halfway best count Paul Dano what's. You're out of your fucking mind with that one. Paul Dano killed it? Paul Dano was great. Paul Dano was amazing. Paul Dano was great. He was, Robert Pattinson was great as Batman.

Starting point is 01:07:53 I'm going to say this, I prefer the Jim Carrey Batman over the Robert Pattinson. Robert Pattinson, I fall asleep every time. Pass out. I think it's worth buying. Well, it's supposed to be like a... There's no cool, there's no ultimatums. There's no do's, this or this, Batman.

Starting point is 01:08:04 What are you talking about? Michael Keaton's the best Batman. Why does there need to be old... I disagree with that. That sucks too. There's no ultimatums. There's no. What are you talking about? This Batman? What are you talking about? Michael Keaton's the best Batman. Why does there need to be old? I disagree with that. That sucks. Who's your favorite Batman? Christian Bale. Christian Bale.

Starting point is 01:08:11 And then Michael Keaton. Original Batman. Nothing better. It just reminds me of good memories. Yeah. Yeah, it's just it's just. He was the original. My dad is still alive.

Starting point is 01:08:23 Michael Keaton was the original. Yes, he was the first one. Well, Adam was the television show, but Michael Keaton was the first Batman and Jack Nicholson was the first Joker and then Bell Kilmer See original Batman. I think he fledger. Well, yeah. I don't know Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what is that chocolate chip cookie, okay? I'm hungry as a muh my favorite Riddler Obviously Jim Carey you you like the Jim Carrey Riddler the best I thought he was a fucking joke

Starting point is 01:08:59 You're a joke, huh? I thought the Jim Carrey Riddler was a joke. Why? Because. Riddle me this. Why? I love Jim Carrey, but I thought him as the Riddler was a fucking joke. It is, but Batman is a comic book.

Starting point is 01:09:15 The Riddler is so much more of a terrifying, horrible villain, like psycho, than Jim Carrey made it. No he's not. Yes he is. He's the silly guy that asked riddles. No he's not. He's nice. I agree with Brennan. He's a fucking nutcase. You're a nutcase. He'll even, I mean in the comics, he'll give Batman a riddle and Batman will solve it and he'll still fucking push the button. Like there's a thing where he had like a speeding subway or whatever that had a bunch of people in it and he was like

Starting point is 01:09:43 solve the riddle Batman and Batman was like, oh it's this and he went and just let those people die somehow He like still blew up. Yeah, but what about when Jim Carrey goes? bummer Oh bummer when they're taking when they're sucking his brain out he looks in camera goes Bummer that was that sucks. Yeah, I know But I love that movie so much, cause I grew up on it. Yeah, that's why you like it. I didn't like Tommy Lee Jones was a good Two-Face.

Starting point is 01:10:09 Best Batman soundtrack was that Batman. La da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da I'm building a tower alone on the sea And you became Wow Thanks Oh I tried to do a joke recently and it fucking bombed so bad What was it? Easy Elon I was trying to do a USA USA

Starting point is 01:10:38 USA USA Comedy is legal now Dude that dude is such a chode He sucks Like make comedy legal. Oh, my God. I want to rip her face off. I just did. Oh, kill him. Oh, what did you do recently that you buy?

Starting point is 01:10:54 I tried to do this joke. I said, like, I ate hiccups so much that that anybody's like remedy for it. I'll try. You know what I mean? Everybody's got their own remedy for how to get rid of hiccups. And I'm like, I'll try anything. Like someone could mean? Everybody's got their own remedy for how to get rid of hiccups. And I'm like, I'll try anything. Like someone could be like, all right, yeah, you gotta hold your breath and sing Seals Kiss from a Rose and also be like.

Starting point is 01:11:10 Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:17 And it bombs so bad. I'm just on stage going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. stage going. You know, they say you got to do things that make you laugh, but everybody that's never words. It's really good. It never works. What if you did? What if you did what if you did they say that you have to sing kiss from the rose, but you can't close your mouth

Starting point is 01:11:59 My kickups didn't go away, but I'm really good at karaoke I'm saying go away, but I'm really good at karaoke You should be like let's let's go to karaoke and sing some fucking no, I don't like karaoke You know really you don't like going to karaoke if you're doing like, you know The mighty mighty Boston's or something if some girl was like, let's go to karaoke and sing Scott songs It is weird that you don't like karaoke. I don't like gay shit, but you love fit. Why don't you like karaoke? I like more stuff that you like than you would think. Like what?

Starting point is 01:12:33 Name something else that you like that you think I wouldn't like. When buses go do do do do do do do. I love when buses go do do do do do. You know why? Because it's when Batman turns his motorcycle around and he goes up the wall and he goes do do do do. That does rule. You know what? I was so prepared to like not even give a fuck about what you were just talking about, but I Don't know what when buses make that noise. It's when they're slowing down Him take your breath control Hey

Starting point is 01:13:00 Always every comic says it every comic says it and I never understand why people laugh at it I go sick of comics that are saying the same shit on like this one. Sorry for giving a TED talk Yeah, God, I hate that. Oh when someone's heckling or somebody's talking they go motherfucker. This ain't YouTube. I can hear you Shut up When someone when someone's alarm goes off, I go, oh, it's time to kill your wife. Why do people think the what about when a comic goes, are you going to take a shit?

Starting point is 01:13:35 Oh, the will. Oh, are you going to take a shit? Yeah. You go and take a shit. I mean, how far are we getting into this shit? Because I can go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go shit? Because I can go go go go go come out stinky there. Oh, oh, oh when when something bombs and they go Comedy seller. It's a comedy show. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, they point to it and say they don't pay me any money to be here. I don't like that either This is it. They'll point they'd be like I don't get paid anything to be here. Wait, you guys are getting paid No, oh I don't get paid anything to be here. Wait, you guys are getting paid? No. Oh.

Starting point is 01:14:07 Okay, good. No, we pay. Okay. Yeah. All right, Esti, you have all four of us. Four? Ethan too. Say hi to Ethan.

Starting point is 01:14:17 Hello Ethan. What's another stage thing I hate? Oh, this, this. Blah, blah, blah, this joke isn't working, so I'm gonna go like this Oh you like laugh a little bit but when they It's like my number one is so that's a thing. Oh Yeah, what do we do? What do I do? Oh

Starting point is 01:14:40 You know what? I also hate when comics say something crazy Oh, you know what I also hate when comics say something crazy, but then they go, but that's or like, and you know, they like say something that was like, I'm not even going to acknowledge that, which makes it even crazier. Or when they go, and you're like, whoa, why'd you just sit in like, yeah. And oh, we all know this person who goes like, I mean, yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I know. I know a bunch of goes like oh, yeah, yeah I know I know a bunch of people like that like that a bunch of people like that. What about this? Hey, I'm a Yeah, I really enjoy being a black comic who has passed at the cellar. Oh time for me to go up

Starting point is 01:15:18 Yeah, motherfuckers don't know me You're really going to like them, Dorian. Or even worse. Unless you're Godfrey who is literally doing a character. Even worse, like the black comics that are like, man, it is hard to be black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm sitting in the audience going, I'm blacker than this guy. Or the black comic that gets hired at SNL and then they become Patrice just swirling

Starting point is 01:15:46 a snifter just on stage. That's a very specific person I'm talking about. I came up here to work on some specific person. What about this? I'm a white host, black comic just got off stage. I'm a white host who has several children and I'm enjoying a good job. Black comic gets off stage. Y'all like that shit.

Starting point is 01:16:04 Yeah. Dude, I did that. I did that for Pee Dee Diabra once. I was like, everyone knows like this ex comics. So funny. But I'll have little dog ears. And then I go, this ex comic is my brother from another mother. Y'all going to love it. And he goes, why did you say it like that?

Starting point is 01:16:21 I was like, I don't even know. I'm so sorry. That's so funny. This next Jive turkey of a motherfucker, he gonna come up and he gonna, Hey, y'all ready to shoot, shoot that hoop? He goes, shoot. You know, before I bring him up,

Starting point is 01:16:34 I just want to say, black people, we didn't get time out. We got time out from getting our ass whooped. Oh, you know what I'm saying? Now, ladies, gentlemen, treat your ladies right. Your next comic coming to the stage. I just have a big ray of light come out of my mouth. my mouth. Hey, hey, you frame that perfectly. Ethan added a huge ray of light to come out of my mouth. There's like a mechanical noise of your dog.

Starting point is 01:17:26 Yeah, I go. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaàáááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááá I like that. Yeah, that rules. Oh, oh, Mona Lisa got ugly. I'm the man in the painting. Is that a thing? Is this anything? You know that was made in like 1503, that painting. I think that's the exact date actually.

Starting point is 01:18:22 Can you look that up? Mona Lisa was made in 1503. I think that's the exact date actually. Can you look that up? Mona Lisa was made in 1503. I think so. I read some interesting stuff about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel. Oh God. The best thing about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel is there's this one guy who really didn't like how many penises were showing. So he had to, he was like, I demand that he cover up all of the cocks. So he put all those ribbons and stuff over it. But then he painted that guy in the mural and had a snake winding around him, biting his dick off. Really?

Starting point is 01:18:51 And it's in it. Look up snake biting dick. That rules. Monalisa1503. I am on the dot. How did you make it so that every the eyes follow you? Just by having it centered. Yeah, if they're by having I think it's entered. Yeah. If they're centered, I think they just follow. I can't do it. My eyes weird. See, this Mona Lisa has one eye on that one. Yeah, that's a moron, Lisa.

Starting point is 01:19:17 Hey. All right. All right. That's the joke. I When does this come out please next week, all right Okay. Yeah, June 6th and 7th. I'm headlining governors All right. OK, yeah. June 6th and 7th, I'm headlining governors. So it would be great to have some fucking cool people in there, not some like old motherfuckers that just hate me. Like that would be it would be great if you're from Long Island. Come on out. And then Sag Daddy to pod. Check out my podcast. I'd love to have you guys back on together.

Starting point is 01:19:59 We should all go come together. Should come at the same time. I'd like to. Oh, Jesus. Right. When Jordan comes like that, can you put Sagalow's face there and the light coming out? The ray of light hitting. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:13 Ah! That's it. Nice. Cool. Jordan? I'm going everywhere. I'm going to Portland. I'm going to the mothership in Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 01:20:24 I'm going to like Michigan or something weird. Um, but I just added a bunch of dates. They're all on punch up that live slash Jordan Jensen. So please go check them out. Yes. Yes. Hello. I'm at the laugh lounge in Ottawa this coming week, May 20th, 30th to the 31st. Oh yeah, your birthday's coming up. What are you gonna do for your birthday? What are you gonna do for your birthday? We'll figure it out. My birthday's June 4th.

Starting point is 01:20:57 Charlotte, North Carolina, Duxworth Comedy Club, June 5th to 7th, the 15th to the 17th, Wilmington, North Carolina. I was quiet during yours. Are they gonna all be ducks? Come on out and say Ducksworth. Bring your papi, bring your nappy, and come on down to Ducksworth, Texas. Life is like a hurricane here in Ducksworth.

Starting point is 01:21:18 That's what the audience is gonna sound like in Ducksworth. You know, ladies and gentlemen, how you doing tonight? Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. And I gotta stop playing for these ducks.

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