Bein' Ian With Jordan - Karaoke Comic W/ Brendan Sagalow | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep148
Episode Date: May 28, 2025As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP... SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/IAN Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Brendan Sagalow Here : https://www.instagram.com/brendansagalow/ BRENDAN SAGALOW: THIN LIPS (FULL STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpA3u7ZctsY https://brendansagalow.com Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”
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Discussion (0)
Plugs are show all Portland, Oregon, June,
first week of June, then Royal Oak, Michigan,
Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, Washington, DC,
Denver, Colorado, Dallas, Texas.
This is all July.
I'm in Austin, Texas.
Ooh, maybe I'll stay in Texas.
Madison, Wisconsin.
Let's ride.
Spokane, Washington.
I thought I was just there, but I was not. I was
in Tacoma, Brea, California. That's sick. And then back home to Rochester. Old comedy on Carlson,
Houston, Texas. EFIDANCE.com for all my dates. I'm coming to Charlotte, North Carolina,
Wilmington, North Carolina, Tacoma, Washington, Spokane,
Spokane, Washington, Oklahoma City. It's Spokane.
It's not Spokane. Spokane.
Guarantee it.
Oh yeah, it's Spokane.
Yeah. Oklahoma City, Addison, Texas in July,
Indianapolis at Healing Comedy Club,
Chicago Zanies, Comedy Connection,
EMFyDance.com for all my dates.
Come on out to Charleston, Charlotte, Wilmington, and Atlanta.
And patreon.com slash B and E and pod
for bonus episodes, early releases, and a bunch more.
And enjoy the show, like she said.
Indeed.
Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. And DNA Now you know he likes it in the butt So why ride When you're being Ian
Being Ian
Life is shit but you're positive
Let's find out what it's like to live
Alive
Being Ian
Being Ian
With Jordan
I remember this.
I remember this open mic comic made me laugh so hard back in Philly.
Years ago, he wore a trench coat on stage and he was like,
No, they always pull a pipe out of the trench coat.
No one ever pulls out a crack pipe.
Pulls out a crack pipe.
Good evening. Oh, that's funny. He meant you meant oh, it's like a pipe like a like a smoking pipe. Yeah, yeah. I
thought you meant like a no, no, no, no, not a shing.
Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop A puff, a puff puff, a puff puff, a puff puff. That would be a Chappelle sketch for sure. Good evening. Good evening.
I know, remember all the open micers that were good
that just are going now?
Yeah.
I was talking about like nutballs in Philly.
Guys, this one guy would go up and do Richard Pryor's jokes
and then be like, really?
Thank you, I've been your karaoke comedian for the night. And he thought that's what I honestly would not be surprised if that got some traction. Like if that,
if there was a service where you can hire somebody, oh, there is, there's got to be higher.
Probably. Did you ever see the rich, the George Carlin guy that did a, um, he did a corporate gig
and instead of George,
one of George Collins' bits like,
what are you gonna do with all this stuff?
You got your stuff over here, your stuff over there.
But the guy did it with data
and all he did was replace stuff with data.
And he's like, you put your data over here
and you got your data over there.
Bomb.
Bomb.
So bad that they took it off the Internet.
What? You can't find it anymore.
They took it off the Internet.
I don't know. Some George Carlin impersonator.
Yeah, that's so funny.
Yeah, I think I could do that.
Your dad would you impersonate?
Richard Pryor, so I could say the N word a bunch.
I know. Just make me black for five seconds.
I go, I go, and they call, they call the police, and the police don't shoot cars.
They shoot.
Dude, it's such a good joke. I feel like you could say it kind of because it's, you know what joke that is?
You don't know that joke?
Yeah, but you could say it.
Because you're being hit.
You do it, then.
Um.
They don't shoot cars.'t shoot cause they shoot.
Hmm cause.
Yeah, he goes knee.
Take a second. Oh, it's one of the best jokes because he like he was talking about
how he took out his gun and his like chick was was leaving him in his car.
So he just shot the car and he's like, you're not leaving me in my car.
And he says, I killed the car. But one is like, and then she called the cops and the cops don't kill cause they kill me. Yeah.
Cause. But he says it quicker. So it's one word.
But he also draws it out. It's just perfect. Yeah. What's your favorite Richard Pryor album?
Probably Live at the Sunset Strip. I was trying to get you to say the other one.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is it?
This is crazy.
Me.
Oh yeah, he was the man, bro.
His movie career was so good too.
Him and Gene Wilder were amazing.
The first movie I ever saw a naked lady in was See No Evil. Really? Yeah. That was the first time I ever saw a naked lady in was See no evil really yeah, that was the first time I ever saw when he was deaf and G model was blind right
yeah, no no prior is blind and
Wilder is deaf right right yeah, yeah, and then that we watch that tonight. I haven't seen that dude
Hell yeah, Yeah. So good.
I've been watching a lot of like Final Destination shit.
Do you get so fucking addicted to watching that stuff?
I put on me and my mom always watch horror movies together.
Really? My mom's. Yeah.
You and your mom watch horror movies.
What was that about? In my face.
Oh, I didn't mean it to be.
That's such a funny thing for you and your mom.
Oh, dude. Last time we watched the original Evil Dead and it was hilarious. We watch it
like two old black ladies watching TV. My mom's like, Oh, no, don't do that. Like, you know,
you know, when the no, crazy, crazy.
But I put on the original Final Destination, I fell asleep after like 10 minutes.
What?
I've been watching the most embarrassing thing ever.
What?
What?
There is not something more embarrassing.
It is, I'm watching the show.
Oh, I like that show.
Really?
Yeah, the first season's great.
I stopped watching after the second season.
Why is that embarrassing?
Because I'm on the sixth.
Because it's like, it's crime horny. Because you're on the sixth season. It's like that show really the first I stopped watching after the second
Because I'm on the six because it's like it's crime horny cuz you're on it's so bad. It's murder. It's horny murder
You know what I mean? That's why if women watch it they get fucking hot by pen Bagley. Oh
They want to be they want they want they want fucking pen to put his name Bagley. Yeah
I want fucking Penn to put in there, Bagley. Yeah, I wanna be bagged by Penn. I wanna get bagged by Penn.
That's what I just said.
You wanna be bagged by Penn.
Oh, cool.
His name is Penn?
His name's Penn Badgley.
Bagley.
Bagley.
Wasn't his dad an actor or no?
Is he five foot two?
No.
Yeah, his dad's name was...
Ed Bagley.
Put it in there.
Oh yeah, and his mom mom was what's in that?
Come on, man. That's a funny dog. What's up? What's up?
Come on, dog.
Hey, this is my father.
Put it in the bag. Lee and this is my mother.
What's in that bag?
Lee, this is my father, put it in the bagly, and this is my mother, what's in that bagly? And this is my brother, empty that bagly.
That's my shame watch.
And this is my cousin, Tuffel.
That hits my exact funny bone dude.
That's like right up my alley. This is my brother's duffel bag.
Oh man.
That's like, that's it, man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha awful. Oh, do you want to hear something crazy? Nobody. You're
gonna hear something crazy. You're gonna roll your eyes. And
I told my mom you would. Oh, boy, here we go. What? I don't
even roll my eyes. I just roll my whole face and keep my eyes.
It's gonna be sentimentality regarding your father's
synchronistic events that's not real.
Yes, it is real. Today is 30 years since my dad died. And this morning, my mom and I were going to have
breakfast together. And I said, let's go sit out front on the front steps and have breakfast. So we sat out front and
had breakfast and drank coffee and did some scratch offs. And we're just sitting there and I kind of...
breakfast and drank coffee and did some scratch offs and we're just sitting there and I kind of.
Your mom would be your perfect wife.
What?
Did you win anything?
$55.
Oh, nice.
Crazy.
And we're sitting there and then all of a sudden a rabbit.
Okay, go ahead. there and then all of a sudden a rabbit.
OK, go ahead.
And he just removed the what is she doing?
She just removed the pillow from the scene.
OK, go ahead.
A rabbit showed up right on the sidewalk, like right in front of us and looked at us.
And my mom, like, grabs her chest.
I go, Mom, look at that rabbit.
She goes, oh, oh, my God. I go,? And she goes, your dad and I saw a rabbit together
on our first date.
Yeah, that's good.
That's big synchronicity.
Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah, and then the rabbit hopped away
and then came back and stood
and said, hey, sugar tits.
right in front of his truck
and just stared at it for like a minute and then hopped away.
She still has his truck?
Mm-hmm.
What is it?
It's a 92 Ford F-150.
Red.
Nice. How does it run?
It currently does not.
Run. Get it running.
Stick shift.
Dude, you should bring that car to New York.
But isn't that wild?
Isn't that crazy?
It was like such a nice moment.
We hugged each other.
You were in Delaware this morning?
Yeah. I played Philly this weekend. I went to my mom's Sunday and I saw my cousins, brought my cousins to the house and then we went to dinner and blah, blah, blah. It was
very nice. Got to buy my mom dinner and take care of her. It was a good time.
Is it maybe like your dad was in that rabbit?
That possibly be the thing that's going on
It's like the dad sends the rabbit oh
He's not in the rabbit. Yeah, he's not he saw the rabbits are personified. Oh, it's not like he's hiding in the rabbit. He's not like, fuck. The rabbit's not personified. It's not like he's hiding in the rabbit.
It's a sign.
I think they're both crazy.
I imagine a guy being like, send a rabbit.
You don't find synchronicity interesting?
He's never had dead people.
Are you kidding?
Who?
Don't say grandparents, I'll kick you out of this.
My dog when I was 12.
My aunt died one eye week.
Most of my friends have, most of my homies have died
or killed themselves.
Maybe that's something you didn't,
you could have asked about me.
But you don't know me, you think you know me.
Your close friends have died.
That's my biggest flaw with you.
Your close friends have died.
You think you know me.
I know you.
You don't know nothing about me.
I do, I know everything I need to know.
Brandon sees a pair of Jinkos floating on the street.
He goes, there's Kevin.
Oh, there's Justin going by.
Yeah.
There's someone getting a DUI on the side of the road.
He's like, there he is.
He goes, that's my buddy.
That's my boy.
That's my buddy over there.
Which one of your friends is in the wallet chain?
That's me, actually. That's keeping my soul in that like the men in black cat
What do you keep your soul in one item that would?
Appear in people's lives. What would it be? Oh
Great question that is mine would be
Q-tips guitar used q-tips a guitar guitar. You don't even play guitar, but I got the spirit of music in me
That's cool
Wind chimes
The sound so when you hear that you go
Jordan is mine would try to escape hell
Now what do you think it actually would be?
When a car is like, when a car backfires.
When neighbors are playing music too loud.
Yeah. When mine would be when a cat is in heat.
Mine would be, you know, when a bus goes like this?
That's my favorite.
What?
I would be the rain on a windowsill.
When you hear it, you know I'm there.
Windowsill.
Do you mean windshield?
No.
You mean a sill.
Sill, windowsill. You hear? sill. Sill. Window sill.
You hear?
Window sill.
Do you hear me?
Up there?
I heard the cat.
We can make the cat-
I'm gone.
I watched all these ambulances go by and this old guy just held his hound dog
and was just standing there like this, rolling his eyes at his hound dog. There was just, oh!
For like 10 straight minutes as he went by,
it was like, oh!
It was the exact pitch.
It was really good.
And you could tell the old man was like,
we do this every day.
We just sit here and yell.
And stop a hound dog around.
Yells.
Yeah, maybe I would be,
let's see.
You'd be like when someone's getting like very small, Yeah, maybe I would be, what sound?
You'd be like when someone's getting like very small, like what's that called, tinnitus,
you know what I'm talking about?
Like, eeeeee.
Like eeeeee.
And you go, Jordan's here.
That would be that.
Ooh, I would want to be the feeling of your ears popping.
Ooh, I'd want to be like a good burp.
No. God, I do worry. You know a good burp. No, I do.
You know, when you fart and it feels good in your stomach.
I had one of those. That would be you. So good. No, no.
Object. You'd be a cigarette.
Yeah, no, no. But you have to be an object that is a, when you see it,
you're like, Whoa, that's okay. He would be eczema.
You'd be the sound of that. She hates it.
Um, hmm.
I would be the sound if like, you know, when you're watching a cartoon and they fall into
trash cans, but you don't see it.
Yeah.
It goes, like a cat runs away and all that stuff and you don't see that, but you don't see it. Yeah. And it goes, you know, like a cat runs away and all that stuff
and you don't see that, but you hear that sound.
That'd be me.
Let's curate your Tinder now.
Yeah.
Bring it in.
What do you think's good openers on Tinder?
I'll help.
The thing about prompts is that...
Prompts are brutal.
Prompts are brutal.
There's no winning with the prompts because when you try to be funny...
This is what we did on our first friend date.
Yeah.
The first time I ever met you, we, we cultivated a Tinder program.
Yeah, it was fun.
Yeah, that was fun.
On a roof.
Yeah, during the pandemic.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Remember we said the three of us hang out and I'd make us dinner?
Arcuri.
Arcuri.
But Roland was at the show.
Yeah.
Remember I'd make us dinner and we'd have movie night at my my apartment I had fun on that show. It was fun in the park
Yeah, and when you it was in the park I was in the roof. Oh, and when you say it wasn't fun
It makes me feel you weren't on the roof. That was a show on the roof. Anyway, whatever we did mushrooms
Is that a different name different? I don't know man. There's a lot. There's a lot of hangs
We were pretty inseparable for a while. It was nice
It was. I need a Gloveys. I know you don't call me at all
You don't call me. I'm not allowed to use the telephone
I need a supervisor. Oh, that's what we were gonna talk about that your relationship is going well. Yeah crazy
Let me see. We don't need to talk about that
Do you guys fight
No, we have like
We've a little like disagreements that need to be talked through but other than that
Okay, first picture we have a black and white sitting on the stairs I would immediately swipe now, let me see what's the pic
Sitting on the stairs. I would immediately swipe. No, let me see what the pic get you're smoking
You doing it's smoking. It's a cool picture. It is a cool picture, but it's fun. My pants are down. I'm having fun Yeah, I mean, it's cool. If you want to like put that up at the mall
Maybe
Let me see. This one's the second one
Okay, it does embody him. Yeah, that's a, that is a good picture.
This one's okay.
I wouldn't put it second though.
I'd put that like last.
This one's also okay.
The cigarettes, dude.
I know, but he smokes all the time.
Oh yeah, but you're, you're cutting your, uh.
I think this one's also okay.
Now the next.
That was good.
I look muscular.
What are you, are you at a shooting range now? This is absolutely under no circumstance acceptable. the next. I was good. I look muscular.
This is absolutely under no circumstance acceptable.
Everything about that photo sucks so much. You suck.
The hat is too big.
Don't take it out on me.
The hat is too big. You look like a little boy, but you also don't look like a little boy
very clearly because of your face.
So you look like a man trying to be a little boy.
Yeah. And it's really. man trying to be a little boy.
Yeah, and it's really...
Oh, it's very unsettling.
It's also giving photo booths, like Mac photo booths.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
What are you talking about? You're an adult. It's giving.
It's giving. Don't turn this around.
It looks like you're an idiot.
No, it's not. Cat looks cute.
I look good. My jaw looks chiseled.
I'm just trying to communicate this in ways that you can understand right back where the hat
says I'm fun.
It is giving photo booth and it is giving like
when you used to have to go to the weird guy's house
who was a dishwasher in order to smoke his weed
and you said they'd hang out with him
for a brief period of time.
That's what it's giving.
That is exactly what it's giving.
It's also giving me diarrhea to look at.
This isn't a picture of your diet.
Shut up, don't take it out on me.
Oh, there's I look amazing in this.
Let me see.
It's a good picture.
Oh, when I drove my motorcycle, I look incredible on this photo.
Yeah, that's a great.
You look good in this too.
Thank you.
Yeah, we're laughing.
It's joyous.
That one's good.
This is I would this is this is the worst.
Let me see.
There is nothing that I'm more sick of than men quoting I think you should leave while we're dating.
I've had that up. It says I don't even want to be around anymore.
It speaks to the fact that I don't like being on gender.
This is supposed to be your oh it's supposed to say I don't want to be around.
This is your resume for pussy. Yeah, you're not this is crazy
You don't look like this what do I look like like see the head shape and turn it upside down
You look like you're about to walk up to people and go I need to get a train home
You have you're crazy
You're crazy. It is kind of giving line cook.
It's what are you talking about?
It is line.
That's a good picture.
The graininess.
Samson looks amazing.
Samson looks great.
Yeah, I got a cat.
I'm smiling.
You smell like cooked meat in here.
Yeah, are crazy.
You look like you're wearing non slip shoes.
I'm almost like soul.
When I see that, I go, oh, just what my fear was. Like by all of
this, I'm like, he's not trashy. Is he? No, he's, he's cool. He's hip. And then I see
that and I go, Oh, dude, this is a picture of me and the guy. You know what this is?
You have a daughter. She's 14 years old. You see this picture on her phone from a man sent
to you and you're like, who's that? And it's like, just some cool guy I met after school.
You then lock her in a cage for the next six months.
You guys are teaming up on me in a way that's not right.
We're trying to help you.
That does not look bad.
Fine.
Pick a better picture.
So there's, you have lots of good pictures of you.
Well, here's the fall.
Here's the problem.
I think I look good in that.
So I'm like, yeah, it's yeah.'s the problem. I think I look good in that. So I'm like, yeah.
It's yeah. You look.
Okay, I hear you. Somebody change this picture. How do we do that? Oh, and after you do that after.
So what are the what are the prompts and stuff say? Okay.
You farting? Yeah.
Oh, oh, there's men you're looking at.
Here we go.
Preview.
Where are the prompts?
Hit the down arrow.
I'm so excited to hear what you say to your prompts.
Okay.
Looking for short- turn open to long.
You can find me socializing.
I like to dress down.
I tend to arrive fashionably late.
My exit strategy looks like say bye first.
Never.
You've never said bye first in your entire life.
I say bye before I leave.
And you always tell me I'm a too long goodbye guy.
No, she's saying you're a too long goodbye guy.
I don't know.
No, my exit strategy is,
your exit strategy is never say goodbye
until everybody else is left to be the last person
in every room.
Wait, that's the prompt?
What?
What?
I always say goodbye and you go,
you don't have to say goodbye.
You like to dress down.
But say goodbye first sounds like you're the first one out.
I tend to arrive fashionably late.
My bio could use some work. I mean, this is like. Those say goodbye first. I tend to arrive fashionably late. My bio could use some work.
I mean, this is like those aren't prompts.
Those are just.
Short term. Yeah, whatever.
Prompts are like if you were lost on an island, what would you bring?
That's a prime. I don't do any of the prompts.
It's a bye. The bye.
Nobody likes someone that's late, though.
Why would you even put that in? Because it's a truth.
Fashionably late
Fashionably late is like 15 minutes beforehand. You're like 15 minutes beforehand 15 minutes after yeah, okay. What do you want?
What I hear you whining?
My exit strategy looks like say bye first. I say goodbye.
What's wrong with that?
That means I say goodbye before I leave.
I was thinking it was I'm the first one to say goodbye.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, say goodbye before you leave.
Damn, dude.
What?
Family plans.
I don't want children.
I mean, it's just so harsh.
That's what I love about it.
I don't want to get twisted.
Communication style better in person.
Mm hmm.
You got to go outside.
Well. What is it?
Love style touch.
You why is that you?
Sorry. What's your love style? Um, do you love language? Yeah, what's your love style?
Do you love language? Yeah, what's your love language? Yeah
Touches just a scary word touch. That's the option. I this whole thing is kind of scary I didn't write any of those. It's a I know I know it's a click option. I know work out often
Yeah in your bra
Wait 105. Yeah in your bra
What's your love language? Yeah, what's your love language? I'm an avoidant attachment
fluctuating between
You're the one who said love language and now you're making fun of people who say love language.
No, well what's yours? Since you're making fun of mine.
Touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time.
Quality time.
There's one more I think.
I like words of affirmation.
Gift giving. Do you give words? You give words. think. I like words of affirmation.
Gift giving.
Do you give words?
You give words.
Well I give words.
You do give words.
It makes me uncomfortable.
What?
What?
It makes you uncomfortable.
Yeah you're very, you're good at saying I appreciate this.
Why does it make you uncomfortable?
Scary.
What about you?
Your touch.
Touch.
Words of affirmation.
Touch is fine if you didn't have that picture in it.
This guy touching?
This guy loving touch?
That guy loves cat.
Look at his form of touch with the cat.
He's nice.
He's all known to his rib cage.
I mean, you were the lowest weight you've ever been here because of your ex.
You were suicidal and boy does it show.
Do I look bad? You look like a 19 year old line cook who's on a date. ever been here because of your ex. You were suicidal and boy does it show.
Do I look bad?
You look like a 19 year old lying cook
who's under forehead pushed up against Ethan.
Coyote's forehead is pushed up against his chest.
Yeah, that's a healthy man.
I would fuck, I mean, I would never, but you know what I mean?
But this-
Caught ya.
Caught ya.
Never in a million years.
Caught ya.
This. Cut, clip, uh oh. Caught ya. Never in my years. Caught ya.
This.
Ha ha ha.
Cut, clip that.
Get away from me.
Okay, great.
Now let's look at your, now let's.
Have my profile.
Jordan and Ian kissing it.
No, no, no, no.
That's not fair.
I know, but let's, they say.
Hold on.
Jorge?
Do you wanna read the profile of what I say?
Uh oh.
Cause this might be bad.
I guess.
I think if I was with a girl in a tree, I wouldn't be kissing. I'd be going, how do
we get out of this tree?
About me.
What?
Maniac, loud talker, looking for same height, 9-11, what's the best band to make out and
why is it the Deftones?
That's pretty cool.
That's cool.
Right?
Did you say 5'11"?
I said 9'11".
You're 40! It also says your age right there while they read that.
So what?
What's yours say? I'd love to curl up in a book.
I don't have one. I don't go on them.
You did.
Did you? Yeah, she was on Raya, she was on go on. You did. Did you?
Yeah, she was on Raya, she was on Hinge.
You were on Raya?
She was on all of them.
Yeah.
What are you trying to fuck the kid from Sky High?
Yeah, and her first picture was her.
It was her and TJ Miller.
Count it.
Her first picture. On Raya?
Yeah.
And then it was your first picture, you and TJ?
No, you couldn't see TJ, you couldn't see it was him.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Which is my thing.
Abs under nose, no way.
I remember I saw him.
I'll pull up the picture.
Pull up the picture. You know it, because it was him. No way. I remember I saw him. I'll pull up the picture. Pull up the picture.
You know it because it was him.
It literally showed the back of his head.
I could have sworn you could tell it was TJ.
Never. No.
What about I like concerts, music, sushi, coffee and tattoos?
That's pretty cool.
That's fine. I think that's fine.
So you think the bio is bad?
Let me just edit the bio.
What should the bio? You make my bio. Let's see.
I think the whole thing is a little off.
I think it's I don't really know what I'm talking about.
I haven't I'm an IRL guy.
I'm all about bad in real life.
Yeah, me too.
I'm a vibe guy.
You can't. But don't I can't find a picture of me that looks not good.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you don't say I'm looking for vibes. You delete it and then you just go out into the world
and try to meet a lady on your own, you wookie nerd.
Yeah, I do just fine.
I do just fine.
I like this guy.
Yeah.
All right, there we go.
Yeah, I do good, all right?
But I'm looking for something more long-term.
Look emotional, but actually.
Yeah, I do good at getting to push. I feel bad, I just wrote, I'm having for something more long-term look of ocean. Yeah, I do good again to push. I feel bad
I just wrote I'm having a tough time
Take that picture of him like looking like a crackhead cook and just make him like frowning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, bio me up. Give me a good one.
OK, bio that I would want to read or bio that you would want to read?
Well, I don't know if that's good, too.
Look at this. Oh, my God.
Look at that. Ethan is giving a Zen massage to Coyote and she's going full Chinese.
She's like, oh, yeah, what's a bio you would want to read?
I'm a half motorcycle.
Mine would be Dear Jordan Jensen, you're fat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jordan, I will ignore you.
And also I am I'm a 10cc motorcycle.
60. I don't know 60 I don't know.
I don't know.
OK, about me.
Here we go. I hate that.
I hate that I'm on Tinder.
No. OK.
Give me a reason to delete this app.
Yeah, right.
How about fun guy looking for some for wanderlust?
Or someone that I don't know.
I'm a fun guy.
I don't know, dude.
How about I eat ass?
I had that before.
Yeah, they'll take that off.
They'll take that off, though, wouldn't they?
Aren't they going to take you down?
I said I was DTEA.
Girls are go, what's DTEA?
I'd go, down to eat ass.
And then they'd block me.
Well, hey, that's actually good
because you're getting responses.
You're getting people reaching out.
I should go, come over and find her out.
Yeah, exactly.
What about this?
About me.
All right, it's time to start dating for real.
That's a good one. Yeah. Oh
Come on
That's not every cowboy has to come home to
Yeah, okay. I love this just a cowboy trying to lasso his next meal every cowboy has to
Yeah, every cowboy has to come back to the range why don't you then say every
rose has its thorn we're talking like every sailor needs to no I like cowboy
every cowboy has to come home has to return to Every cowboy has to saddle up. That's good.
Every cowboy dies a dysentery. Every cowboy needs to, when I die,
let my horse go wild. Every cowboy has to hang up a saddle because I only ride bareback.
Every cowboy needs to quit roaming.
No, no, say No, say this.
Say this. No condoms, no fatties.
All right. It's time to start dating for real.
Every cowboy has to come has to every cowboy has to saddle up.
Are you my wife?
Are you my wife?
I actually think that's really good.
Yeah, me too.
Every cowboy has to saddle up.
Are you my wife or are you my horse?
Say nay.
Are you my horse?
I got a sugar cube.
How about every cowboy?
Has to. Indel horse is not horse faces.
Every cowboy has to wrangle its mare.
You're just writing what you want every cowboy Jordan's
law, stop adding cowboy to everything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those guys talking about cowboys.
So why does your profile just mention cowboys and horses and dirt?
I know how to take every cowboy's got to eat dirt sometime.
A cowboy. I'm I'm just a cowboy that knows how to tame a wild stallion.
I'm going to break this thoroughbred.
Wild Stallion.
Time to break this thoroughbred.
Thoroughbred and make him and make
him.
You writing it.
Thoroughbred and make him.
Time to break this thoroughbred and make him a.
Family horse.
What I'm saying is I want to park in your stable.
What I'm saying is I'm a little man who wants to ride you.
Your your bio should just keep going until the last thing is I just want to fuck a horse.
I want to fuck a horse's sweet ass.
I'm. I want you to give me a weird nickname and ride me.
Okay.
If I hear gunshots, I start running.
What's a good, not that face.
What's a good bio?
Let me quote Scott's songs to you. Oh, no, what it's. Yeah, I ska songs to you.
Oh, no. What it's.
Yeah, I'm trying to be honest now. That sucks. That sucks.
OK. And I wouldn't quote ska.
Let me quote ska.
Unless it was a song special brew by bad manners and skank and how does that go?
Which? Yes, it's true.
I love you and I always wait.
You're my special brew
How about I have no ex-girlfriend lingering in the background?
That's good currently. Yeah, what I currently have no ex-girlfriend lingering in the back. How about this? I have never had a girlfriend and
Don't know how to kiss
Two things not true. I kiss with my eyes open.
About me.
Working on it.
About me.
I'm an old soul.
Looking for a young hole.
I'm...
Ethan.
That really tickled him.
Your coping mechanisms are starting to become unsavory.
It's time to give Rula a shot.
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Check it out.
If you, if, if you've had trauma,
like looking at a face like this for far too long, get Rula.
They'll take care of you.
We don't.
We're against the other stuff.
We like this one.
We've actually vetted them.
We did this one.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
We like this one.
Yes.
The other ones we don't mention them by name.
Right.
But this is a good one.
Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula Rula. Rula rules. Rula rules. Yeah. Join the thousands who have already turned to Rula for
support on their journey to better mental health and well-being. Getting started is easy. Join
today by visiting rula.com slash Ian. When you sign up, I've already asked for them to change it.
Okay. You remember I asked for names to change. I don't know why you're saying anything. Because of the face you're making.
When you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about them.
Tell them it was the show, Be an Ian with Jordan.
And when you sign up, they'll ask how you heard.
I said that.
Support the show and let them know we sent you.
Go to rula.com slash I N now and connect to the licensed therapist
who truly cares your mental health matters and we will be changing the promo code soon.
But use that use it. Use it for now. It helps. It does help. It's a three-letter word. It's
good. We should mention doing the ads more during the show. Like, hey, just so you know, you know?
Okay. Oh, I'm an Abbey looking for my retard boyfriend.
What's one of the quotes from that song? Be the lion to my lioness.
I'll bring you gummy bears, not flowers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
And, and, uh...
I see colors as days.
How about, how about let's, let's get sugar high.
Yeah.
Let's, let's drink too much soda and watch Love on the Spectrum.
Oh, God.
No.
I like, I like, let's get a sugar high and walk each other, lick each other's
arches, and lick each other's pussies on the Simpsons game.
And let's let me finger you while you play Street Fighter 2.
Let me tongue punch your box while you fucking while you fucking.
How about this? How about this? While you fucking while you fucking
Let me tongue punch your mud box while you fucking shoot hoops at Dave and Buster's
Then you read let me eat your ass while you go rags throw it you ready to buy and then on the next thing you go Oh, god damn it. There's more
You go damn I thought that was it. Okay, well.
This is what I'm writing.
Write, write owner and operator of boobs.com.
Yeah. FBI, federal body inspector.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.
Right. Right.
All right. I did it.
What did you write? All right.
I wrote a good one.
What I wrote, let's get sugar high and rent a hotel even though we live here.
Yeah, I love that. Oh, that's a great one. Thanks. That's a great one. What I wrote. Let's get sugar high and rent a hotel even though we live here. Yeah, I love that
Thanks, that's a great one. Let's bump my head expensive. Yeah. Wait, what do you?
Just be keep making it a five star. Yeah, daddy. Yeah, let me buy you lobster. Yeah. What are you talking about?
Okay, now I'm gonna what about what about let's
let's drink too much soda and
Call boys we like and hang up when they pick up. No
Okay favorites, let's play spin the bottle what that's so bad
No one wants no one wants to do that
You what? How about this one?
This one's better.
That one?
Yeah.
Are you looking at pictures on his phone?
That's a great picture.
Yeah.
That's a great picture.
I don't know if black and white is good for the first pick though.
Not for the first pick.
That was just replacing the bad pick.
Okay, good, good.
But that's another pick with my pants down.
I'm going to delete that one.
Which one?
The first one?
Yeah. All right. Too serious. What about um... And then the one with me is going second. You
have friends in that one. I'm looking for the lion to my lioness. That's nice. No, we
already did it. What about I want to put on headphones while you tell me about your day. Stay away from my ears while we watch Space Jam looking.
I'm a little bit love on the spectrum, a little bit 90 day fiance.
Yeah. Yeah. Elevator pitch for me.
Yeah. Love on the spectrum meets me.
Malcolm in the middle. Love on the spectrum meets me Malcolm in the middle
Love on the spectrum beats cops
I'm love on the spectrum meets cops. Coyote hates that.
No, she likes it.
Oh, Coyote loves that.
Get him. Yes.
No, you're right.
Well, now, Coyote, you don't need to shut the fuck up.
Her hackles are up. You can see her.
Her hackles are up.
Those are some sweet hackles.
She's seeing red flags.
Oh, God.
Come on, be nice.
Oh, she likes her uncle Ian.
She likes her uncle Ian.
You know, I could be your father one day.
No. Oh, brother. Get him, Coyote.
All right, now what'd you say?
I said I'm a little love on, I'm love on the spectrum meets cops.
Great.
Love on the spectrum meets cops.
Take away the I'm.
You guys really are a will they don't they?
Huh?
Should I say elevator pitch for dating me?
Love on the spectrum meets cops. Just Love on the Spectrum meets cops.
Just say Love on the Spectrum meets cops.
I don't know about that.
It was funny in the room, but I don't know if it'll play.
Should I take out the thing you should leave?
Oh my God.
You see, you see how you took that out?
How you took it out of the wrapper.
It's an addiction.
OK, should I say, should I say,
should I say all you need to know about me is I'm like love on the spectrum
meets cops out any time.
What a good.
Should I say elevator pitch for dating me?
If you ask me again, it's not going to change my answer.
I wasn't getting an answer.
You can do that.
Yeah.
I mean, yes.
Should I answer some prompts?
My parents will like you if you show whole.
Good. Yeah.
Now you do every prompt, actually do every prompt.
I'm my weird but true story is I had surgery on my balls in sixth grade.
Yeah, because of your perennium.
No, that's the area between the balls and the hole.
It didn't drop. No, I had a testicular torsion,
a piece of tissue circled around my ball and almost killed it.
No, it's that little piece of tissue you're talking about.
Doctor, I always like the idea of balls going like this.
What? Yeah, don't like they're like balls. They're like this?
It's like, god, it's so hot.
Yeah.
With the, that's so funny.
The balls is going.
Do you mind?
I said that last night on stage, I was like, it's so funny that all of you guys have little
balls in here and they're like, I want to see.
I want to see.
My balls are huge.
I have huge balls.
Sorry, Ian. My balls are fucking huge, bro. Really?, I want to see. My balls are huge. I have huge balls. Sorry, Ian.
My balls are fucking huge, bro.
I've got big balls.
I think they're getting bigger.
They're getting bigger.
Prove it.
They're getting huge.
Don't they get bigger forever?
God, I hope not.
You should get them.
Oh no, that's noses and ears.
The nose-eared ball doctor?
The nose-eared ball doctor. No, but noses and ears grow forever.
That fucked up.
No, they go forever.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
Meet me in 10 years.
I measure my ears.
Well, of course you're going to meet each other.
You're going to be married.
Dang it. Have you ever offic you're gonna meet each other. You're gonna be married, Captain, dang it.
Have you ever officiated a wedding?
Yes.
No.
I signed a marriage license on stage in Philly.
Whoa, that's cool.
And my cousin Michelle was there,
and I had her come on stage and sign it with me too.
I almost did, but then I kind of broke up the wedding.
What?
Really?
I said, what is sex like with a minuet?
No, don't marry.
Oh my God.
If we got married, where would we get married?
We would get married in hell
because that's the only place it would happen.
That's why.
Parting into a dog.
I did and it was a mistake.
I would marry Brendan before I marry you.
Marry Ethan. Well, okay, well now I don't feel as good. I would marry. before I marry you. Marry Ethan.
Well, okay, well now I don't feel as good.
You're only an option when the other choice is hell.
What do you think of that?
Well...
That's not true. You're like tenth down.
True.
Yeah, I'm just elevating my...
Okay.
She heard about my balls.
Maybe thirteenth.
Huh? 13th?
I wouldn't marry you.
That's pretty cool.
I wouldn't marry you.
What makes you think I wouldn't want to marry any of you?
What makes you think I really want to get married to anyone?
Wouldn't it be fun if we all lived in the same apartment complex?
Wouldn't that be fun?
It would be so cool. Yeah.
What makes you think that everyone again?
I'm here.
It would be very cool if we all lived in an apartment complex together. Yeah. Right.
Don't you think so? Why?
Because I don't even let you know what hotel or my minks do you knock all the time?
We don't know. You guys really know, dude, she's a.
You when you guys have a hotel room and you're on the road, you fucking just knock.
I knocked on her door once to say goodbye.
And ever since then, she I was telling myself, Jordan,
let me know what room she's in.
Even though we stayed in that room together and I drove it to the airport.
Asshole. Yes. In Tulsa.
Whoa. So we're moved up on the list.
Number two.
OK. You gave me I hung out with you and Taylor in fucking Vegas.
In the hotel room.
Yeah.
So don't say you never give me the hotel room.
Most of the time I don't.
One time.
Times three.
If Taylor was there, then it's already a party.
But if I'm like alone, it's sleep time on the road.
Road time is sleep time.
You party time, road time.
I catch you on sleep.
You party?
What do you do on the road?
Candy.
Staying up.
Candy's okay.
Bowling is cool.
Bowling.
Bowling's great.
Any activity, I guess we have a long wake.
You guys gotta go next time you do the punch line in Oregon.
I know that I said wakes and not walks by the way.
You mean helium?
The helium, yeah.
I'm about to be there.
You gotta go to next level.
It's a huge arcade place.
Are there windows?
There's walls.
There's walls that lead to the outside eventually,
but no, there's no windows.
I'm out on no windows.
You wanna see what it looks like?
Yes, please. It's fucking amazing.
I hate Xenos.
I'll do an escape room.
I would love to do an escape room.
God, I wish I could escape this room.
What? Hey, what? Hey, that doesn't even bother me that you said that.
How was Ottawa?
I'm there next weekend.
Ottawa. Play on.
I play Ottawa yet. You play Ottawa Life Lounge there next weekend. Ottawa. I don't play Ottawa. I don't play Ottawa yet.
You play Ottawa. Life lounge.
I'm there next weekend.
I have no idea.
Atlanta. You do Atlanta helium.
I speak French. That one's tough to sell,
but great club.
Alpharetta, Georgia.
Very difficult.
It's not Atlanta.
No.
Really? It's all for it.
At.
For it is. This. Whoa. Just swipe on that. Are really it's all for it out of
Whoa just swipe on that it looks awesome, but I'm not really a game girl. Oh, it's fucking sick. They got pinballs and all this
It's oh it is kind of it's just cool. It's like cool to go to and like look at and shit Why are all these pictures of children in here Brendan?
of children in here, Brendan.
No, I go for long walks.
Long. I what else do we do?
Sketches sketch on the road.
That's a good one. Sketch on the road.
And a lie from New York. It's who gives a fuck.
When you do sketches?
Or like, drawn?
Sketches.
Featuring...
Like, make sketches.
Jordan Jensen.
Like what?
We did one about a girlfriend who was into a fall girlfriend, but she was really just
a horrifying ghoul.
And it was like, no, she loves fall, man.
And people were like, I know, mine loves pumpkin.
And it was like, mine...
It's a different kind of love of fall.
And I was like, one, two, three, four, five, six.
And I had blood.
That's funny.
I thought the counting was really scary.
That is funny.
That's funny.
Come on.
Chunky monkey.
I go for walks.
I go to record stores.
I go to thrift shops.
I'll do that too.
I go to arcades. I love record stores on the road.
I always, I get it.
I get it.
But sometimes I walk in there and you look around
and there's one guy who's like.
Hello.
And you're like, hey, just look at me.
And he's like, and then when you walk out
without buying something, you feel like his whole life
is gonna crumble that day.
You walk out and he goes, my son is gonna die.
Babe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I ain't coming home.
Yo, Johnny, we ain't gonna have that money for the operation.
Yeah.
Don't you feel like that?
Dude, I walked into a store in Philly, this like way expensive thrift store, and the guy
was like, you're my first customer today.
And I go, hey, how are you?
He goes, I'm filling in for my daughter.
It's her shop.
And I go, all right. And I took a look and I go, have a good are you? He goes, I'm filling in for my daughter. It's her shop. And I go, all right.
And I took a look and I go, have a good day.
And he goes, you too.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
That's why I don't go to record stores.
I don't have a record player.
That's crazy.
There's more to that story of like that guy is definitely like, don't worry, honey,
I'm going to sell every piece of goddamn clothing in this year.
Oh, dude. It was one of those.
I could tell the scenario was a girl wanted to have a clothing store.
The dad bought it and then the girl ends up not even working there.
And the dad sees every day what a bad investment it was.
Yeah, they're like people walk in and they go, oh, no, like this store started as a
clothing store, but everybody keeps returning it.
So we had to call it a thrift shop.
Are you actually getting a.
Do you want out of this?
Oh, I was thinking about it because these two make sense if it's Leonardo
DiCaprio. So if I just keep their accidents, so if I just keep going, then
it's very funny.
Wait, wait, wait. What?
What? I got I got two finger tattoos.
One of them is like the spinny thing from Inception.
And then I also had a lighthouse.
And that could be, what's that movie?
Shutter Island.
Shutter Island.
Right.
So I was thinking about maybe getting like a rat
for Departed and then like, but then that's gay, right?
Grapes.
Grapes.
For Gilbert Grape.
Because I love food.
What is the, what is the?
And then I got a cheeseburger over here and a french fries unsolicited
Brendan himself.
And in my in the palm of my hand is chili.
Every time and then I get a fluff another and I put it in my mouth. Every podcast he has to call him so fat for no reason.
Grapefruit health food.
More like no raisins.
Because I'm a fat guy.
Yeah, so I don't know, but that would be kind of lame, though,
right? If I got like, yeah, that's like a house.
And why do you get the spinny thing? And I I just wanted it all my tattoos are just like wouldn't it be cool If something looked like that that there so I like just got it like none of these mean anything
Yeah, but they're
The doc doesn't mean anything the dog you said doc
The doc the painting of the doc.
This is actually my father.
That's so fucked up.
He's the most fucked up tattoo that has ever been.
I mean, in the car too.
I got it on acid too.
Dude, of the fact that you got a tattoo in that spot.
I know. And it's this.
It's what happened.
What were you thinking?
I was on acid.
Yeah, but who would ever let you do that?
He should be the guy who tattooed the guy on acid.
I don't know. Is he licking?
We got this together on his tongue.
I know. Yeah.
What do you get?
I got this is one of my favorite ones.
Sleepy lady. That's a great.
I did it so well.
I was thinking about getting other versions of this, like like a cactus,
like a neon cactus.
Oh, that'd be cool.
Yeah, like a little like theme a little bit.
Yeah.
Look cool.
And then maybe.
Neon cheese burger.
Turn my fucking arm off.
Lick the dog.
What is on the dog's tongue?
Yeah, what's he licking?
Is it peanut butter?
It's not peanut butter.
It does look like peanut butter.
Is it peanut butter?
It just looks like saliva.
Who is this guy?
He was the guy that was tattooing
at Skankfest at the time.
And then what is your like colorful starry night tattoo? Well this was a cover-up.
Sitting on the dock cause I'm gay. Watching the guys. What did you cover up?
When I was in high school, rat rat my buddy bought a tattoo gun and
The the logo for my band at the time was essentially the ween logo
Or like the Nirvana logo just like a smiley face and whatever
Yeah
It's cover up great cover up and he didn't even put a thing on. He drew this with like a highlighter
and then just went over it.
What was that?
I flew my fucking face.
The car is the best one.
Oh, thanks.
No.
Yeah, that one's sick.
What?
Why is that?
Thank God that's the mic hand.
The mic thing you can see.
What? It's amazing. What are you talking about? Yeah, it's awesome, dude. Yeah. The mic thing you can see. What? It's amazing.
What are you talking about? Yeah, it's awesome, dude.
Yeah.
The dog is so fucked up.
Don't even get me started, bro,
on your fucking Plato ass arm
that you just fucking stuck on a newspaper.
He has the hockey team.
That's like my...
That was my fucking...
That was the Psyosset Braves logo, dude.
Yeah.
That was my high school logo.
Who cares?
I don't.
This is cool.
Bugs Bunny as Tony Montana.
That is funny.
Got you giggling.
Yeah.
What's the skull?
Should we?
Let's get tattoos.
For decoration.
I would love that.
Next week.
We'd love that. You want to do that? I need to get tattooed again. Me too. Yeah, let's do tattoos for decoration. I would love like next week. We'd love to do that. I need to get tattooed again
Me too. Yeah, let's do that next week
That'd be really fun my bank piece. I was thinking about doing rock of ages, you know rock of ages
No, the woman coming out of the water holding on to the rock the cross made out of a rock
Or you think I should do the Reaper on a horse
If you can't do nothing you get a woman you can numb why do you think I should do the reaper on a horse? If you do the reaper, you can't do numbing.
If you get a woman, you can numb.
Why?
What do you think I should do on the back?
You can't get the angel of death with numbing cream.
Why?
It's too fucked up.
Why?
Because he's like a pussy or something?
Yeah.
Because he's like a big fat pussy for doing this?
Or something?
Because he's a huge fat gay pussy.
Because he's a big fat gay pussy.
Because he's a butthole, if you made a butthole vagina. Leave my big fat gay pussy. Because he's a big fat gay pussy. Because he's a butthole if you made a butthole vagina.
Leave my big fat gay pussy out of this.
That's what your mom said.
About you, not about her, you know, about her.
I wasn't talking about her lady parts.
I was talking about her.
That was the name of my construction company.
Lady parts. Whoa. Lady parts carpentry. No was the name of my construction company. Lady Parts. Whoa. Lady Parts Carpentry.
No, it was Gail's pussy.
It was called Ian.
All right. Just kidding, buddy.
I haven't seen you in a while, so I'm busting the ball a little bit.
I'm excited. Zoomies for you both.
I have zoomies for you.
That's part of my vows. Yes.
Yes. Tell us more like third Mike. What's up?
Nothing
My life is okay. It's you know, it's it's it's life man. What do you do during the day?
You want to know my day? Yeah. I wake up. Yeah. Out of bed, I rub a comb through my head.
I wake up.
I grab a brush and put a little makeup.
You want to do?
No, I wake up.
I make a list of everything I'm doing that day from the minute I go back to bed.
Which is pretty crazy, I think. You know, I'm doing that day from the minute I go back to bed,
which is pretty crazy, I think.
You know, I like put it in my reminders.
I literally write get up, make bed, brush teeth, shower.
Food, breathe.
You do that in the morning?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Because it feels good to get rid of it.
Feels good to be like, I'm doing something with my day.
Yeah, that's smart.
Smoke some weed.
You write smoke weed? As a day. Yeah, that's smart. Smoke some weed. You write smoke weed.
As a given.
I do. I do.
You smoke weed.
Oh, no, I don't. Right. No, no, no, no, no.
I smoke weed and then I write.
That's what I thought you meant.
Like, do you write high?
Yes.
To answer your question.
No, no.
To answer my question. You better No. To answer my question.
You better fucking believe it, brother.
So I'll I'll do all that stuff and then and then, you know, I'll listen to music.
And I started getting into Legos and all that shit.
Where are we at at 5 p.m.? What's going on around five?
You know, I really can consult the list.
I don't really. Yeah, let's hear a list.
Yeah, let's see if I did this to the list today. Let's hear a list. I don't really. Yeah, let's hear a list. Yeah. Let's see if I did this, do the list today.
Let's hear a list.
Oh, well this was from yesterday.
You wanna hear yesterday's?
Wake up, make bed.
Clean Oreo's litter, feed Oreo.
Go pick up laundry, change into clothes.
Go to therapy.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Wipe ass. I want your therapy spot.
Send an email to blah blah blah.
Go to dinner.
See Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.
What happened between therapy and dinner?
Stop.
Sit there.
Stare at the wall.
Reels.
Reels.
Yeah, watch Reels.
Reels.
Doom scroll. Yeah, doom scroll. Try not to think about it.
Unload bullets from a gun. Reload bullets from a gun. Stare into a mirror. Place one bullet in the chamber.
Place self in the chamber. Put gun to head. I still have to pay my con head bill.
And that's pretty much it. Like that's what I do. That's, you know,
What about you?
Sorry, that wasn't interesting.
No, we just have to know it's all data.
What do you do?
So 5 p.m. I'm usually taking a nap.
Yeah.
Because I just ate at like four or 3.30
and I need to sleep.
Do you wanna hear my day?
Yeah.
Pull the chair, frozen cherries out of the fridge.
Pull frozen blueberries out of the fridge.
Uh, uh, go to grab the dog, get her leashed up.
First, we got to get her amped.
We get the dog amped.
Go to park, go to park for about an hour and a half.
Walk down to dog beach, throw small sticks into pond
so dog can get pond.
Walk back, um, then put the cherries
that have been thawed a little bit
and the blueberries into
oatmeal that I've cooked. Take poop around that time because I got coffee on the way
to the dog park. Take poop while oatmeal is cooking. Eat the oatmeal while maybe, oh,
maybe we're reading a little something. Typically not. Typically put on a little TV show just
for a minute. Just while we eat. Just while we eat. Sure. Turn it off. Then what time
are we at there? Realistically, 3 p.m. hate to say it. Whoa. Yeah wake up late wake up around 12 30. You wake up around 12 30? Yeah.
Whoa. Go to bed at 4. Whoa. Coyote sleeps till... Why do you go to bed at 4? What do
you do until 4? Suffer. When does this when does the suffering start?
I probably sounds like a fucking metallic one.
I am. And when does the suffering start?
Yeah, I guess you're out in the.
When you get back from Spongebob, like one thirty.
So what you just chill.
And what do you do between one thirty and four?
I love TV. I love TV too.
I love TV.
This is the first year of my life where I can admit this.
I love TV.
What TV do you love?
All of it.
Not all of it, but I like watching bad,
all the shows that come out that are like a TV series.
Do you watch TV on couch or do you watch TV in bed?
In bed.
You definitely watch Younger with Hilary Duff.
No, no, no.
Let the rain fall down.
I'm doing this joke.
I said this thing yesterday on stage where I said,
I like when I sneeze at home because I just go,
bah, just let it all out.
And I go, let the rain fall down.
No.
And this is my brother Duffel Bagley.
I go to the gym. I go to the gym. You're ruined now. Oh Bagley. I go to the gym.
I go to the gym.
Oh, I'm going to the gym.
I got a gym membership.
I fucked my knees up though. I have to get...
I fucked my knee up at the gym the other day squatting for the first time in forever.
Both my knees fucking suck.
Dude, it is such a...
And it's going to rain tomorrow, so I was going to ride my bike.
Let the rain fall down
And wash my hands in Let it wash away My sanity So I was gonna ride my bike
The pain this is now in
Profile on tinder which one the
Which what song do I do you like the one that you don't like a lot because it repeats a lot. Oh right, the, how's that fucking song go?
I'm blue, da ba dee boo boo da.
No, I love that song.
That song's great.
That song rules.
What's that fucking song?
What is that song?
It's where she's, people sing it
while they sip coffee on Instagram.
Oh, I hate it.
What?
Oh, I wake in the morning and I step outside
and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I
What's going on
And I said
Can't sing too much of it or we'll get demonetized.
Oh really?
What if we're singing it literally like a bunch of beagles going...
You know those dogs online that are like, I say I love you.
It's always huskies.
I think I sent that to you.
I hate that song.
Yeah.
It's not great.
She, they, Linda Perry, the singer of Four Non Blondes,
they just played that song live for the first time in like 20
years.
That's cool. That. Not cool. That's all just itches.
Like it's just I just don't like the sound of it.
Not a naps. Mini naps.
Yoga. I take mini naps. Yeah.
How do you how do you guys not get mad at yourself for the naps?
30 minute nap. 30 minute nap.
Take a 30 minute power nap.
Yeah, you just take a power nap because I wake up after 20 minutes.
I go, oh, it's only been 20 minutes. I can sleep again.
And then like an hour and a half later, I'm like,
ugh!
All you gotta do is just get yourself to get up
and your energy is up.
I think with my sleep apnea,
I'm waking up nonstop and I don't realize it.
So when I wake up in the morning,
When I wake in the morning and I get up,
I'm like, oh, I'm so tired.
I'm like, oh, I'm so tired. I'm like, oh, I'm so tired. Wake in the morning and a girl's had a little girl a little girl
a little girl
a little girl
a little girl
I do a lot of meow singing
meow meow meow meow
I do a lot of marching around my apartment singing to the cats
Oh I do a lot of singing to Coyote
a lot
Oh yeah of course you gotta sing to him
He's just a guy and he's a little guy, but he's also my best friend.
Mine is I pretend that I've never seen Coyote. So I go, oh, I've never seen something like this. What even is it a tiny deer? Is it a baby fox?
I can't. I just want to rip her ear off. I know. I just asked my cat how he's doing and I go
Hello, how are you and how are you doing? He goes meow meow. Do you feed him? He's black and white automatic
I feed him. No, I don't put it put in the automatic feeder. Do you feed him dry or wet both? I give him a handful of dry and then I give him a
25% of a wet. Does he wake you up in the morning waiting for food?
No, dude, he rules.
He fucking, he's just chilling on the couch.
I get up and he's like,
and then I get him food.
And when I'm getting him food, he's like,
meow, meow, oh my god.
I always get out of bed for hours.
She sleeps in later than I do.
Are you guys getting along better, you and Oreo?
Yeah, I mean we're fucking boys.
He like comes into my bed now.
Yeah!
Oh that's great.
He's not cuddling yet, but he's just like,
he's feeling it out.
I like that about him.
He's great.
Oh, I have a camera and I took a picture of him.
I got a camera because you introduced me to one.
Yeah, and I took a picture of him
because he has such a human face in this photo. See if I can find it.
When it wash away my sanity. I know the nose fucks me up the nose fucks me up. Look at it.
Hey hey sorry get him. Get him. Kill him. I didn't like you. I didn't like you.
Kill him, kill him, kill him. I didn't like you, I didn't like you.
Well, I don't know where this photo is.
You got a cat cam?
Yeah, I got two.
Me too, I saved the videos of them wrestling together.
What are you, such a goodly little bee.
Samson and Glenn.
Let me see.
This was in the other night.
Sorry for my leg.
Wow.
My leg.
Wow.
He's the best.
How great is that?
That couch is fucked up, dude.
I think you're ignoring the,
I think you're missing the point.
I wanna step outside.
Woo woo woo woo woo.
Have you ever watched Daredevil?
Woo woo woo woo woo.
Do you watch it?
The movie?
No, no, there's a television show.
Is it good? It's okay, it's a little corny. I've been doing a- You know what I'm against? You, no, there's a television show. Is it good?
It's okay.
It's a little corny.
I've been doing a...
You know what I'm against?
You know what I think was a bad show?
I'll say it right now.
Here, now.
Penguin.
I'm the biggest Batman fan.
Wow.
Gay, stupid, and dumb.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, what the fuck?
That's what you get.
Yeah, that's what you get.
That's what you get.
That was the penguin.
That was the penguin.
It was the penguin going, I wish I could do an impression of him.
I said gay, stupid, and dumb,
and then Elvis Presley hit me in the head.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, the Penguin sucked.
The Penguin went, I'm not gay, stupid, and dumb.
I like the Penguin.
I hated that dude Vic, though.
I was like, what is this?
Ah, nevermind, because it's a spoiler.
But yeah, that show, I like that show.
I love all that man suffer.
I hate the Robert Pattinson and anything attached to him with Batman's bed.
Wait, where was that?
Where was where Batman was in the Bane one or Penguin was in the Bane one.
What? What?
That penguin from the show was in.
Yeah, it was in.
I was born in the dark. No, no, no.
Pattinson was in Pattinson. Yeah, he was in the rubber pens and one one which is a horrible movie no it's not so bad why
is it bad she's the worst catwoman wasn't that nice they're wrestling so
I mean she wasn't a great catwoman no but doesn't mean it's a bad movie and
halfway best count Paul Dano what's. You're out of your fucking mind with that one.
Paul Dano killed it?
Paul Dano was great.
Paul Dano was amazing.
Paul Dano was great.
He was, Robert Pattinson was great as Batman.
I'm going to say this, I prefer the Jim Carrey Batman
over the Robert Pattinson.
Robert Pattinson, I fall asleep every time.
Pass out.
I think it's worth buying.
Well, it's supposed to be like a...
There's no cool, there's no ultimatums.
There's no do's, this or this, Batman.
What are you talking about?
Michael Keaton's the best Batman. Why does there need to be old... I disagree with that. That sucks too. There's no ultimatums. There's no. What are you talking about? This Batman? What are you talking about? Michael Keaton's the best Batman.
Why does there need to be old?
I disagree with that.
That sucks.
Who's your favorite Batman?
Christian Bale.
Christian Bale.
And then Michael Keaton.
Original Batman.
Nothing better.
It just reminds me of good memories.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just it's just.
He was the original.
My dad is still alive.
Michael Keaton was the original.
Yes, he was the first one. Well, Adam was the television show, but Michael Keaton was the first Batman and
Jack Nicholson was the first Joker and then Bell Kilmer
See original Batman. I think he fledger. Well, yeah. I don't know
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what is that chocolate chip cookie, okay?
I'm hungry as a muh
my favorite Riddler
Obviously Jim Carey you you like the Jim Carrey Riddler the best I thought he was a fucking joke
You're a joke, huh?
I thought the Jim Carrey Riddler was a joke.
Why?
Because.
Riddle me this.
Why?
I love Jim Carrey, but I thought him as the Riddler was a fucking joke.
It is, but Batman is a comic book.
The Riddler is so much more of a terrifying, horrible villain, like psycho, than Jim Carrey
made it.
No he's not.
Yes he is. He's the silly guy that asked riddles. No he's not. He's nice. I agree with
Brennan. He's a fucking nutcase. You're a nutcase. He'll even, I mean in the
comics, he'll give Batman a riddle and Batman will solve it and he'll
still fucking push the button. Like there's a thing where he had like a
speeding subway or whatever that had a bunch of people in it and he was like
solve the riddle Batman and Batman was like, oh it's this and he went and just let those people die somehow
He like still blew up. Yeah, but what about when Jim Carrey goes?
bummer
Oh bummer when they're taking when they're sucking his brain out he looks in camera goes
Bummer that was that sucks. Yeah, I know
But I love that movie so much, cause I grew up on it.
Yeah, that's why you like it.
I didn't like Tommy Lee Jones was a good Two-Face.
Best Batman soundtrack was that Batman. La da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da I'm building a tower alone on the sea And you became
Wow
Thanks
Oh I tried to do a joke recently and it fucking bombed so bad
What was it?
Easy Elon
I was trying to do a USA
USA
USA
USA
Comedy is legal now
Dude that dude is such a chode
He sucks Like make comedy legal.
Oh, my God. I want to rip her face off.
I just did. Oh, kill him.
Oh, what did you do recently that you buy?
I tried to do this joke.
I said, like, I ate hiccups so much that that anybody's like remedy for it.
I'll try. You know what I mean?
Everybody's got their own remedy for how to get rid of hiccups.
And I'm like, I'll try anything. Like someone could mean? Everybody's got their own remedy for how to get rid of hiccups. And I'm like, I'll try anything.
Like someone could be like, all right, yeah,
you gotta hold your breath and sing Seals Kiss from a Rose
and also be like.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it bombs so bad.
I'm just on stage going.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. stage going. You know, they say you got to do things that make you laugh, but everybody
that's never words. It's really good. It never works. What if you did? What if you did what if you did they say that you have to sing kiss from the rose, but you can't close your mouth
My kickups didn't go away, but I'm really good at karaoke
I'm saying go away, but I'm really good at karaoke
You should be like let's let's go to karaoke and sing some fucking no, I don't like karaoke You know really you don't like going to karaoke if you're doing like, you know
The mighty mighty Boston's or something if some girl was like, let's go to karaoke and sing Scott songs
It is weird that you don't like karaoke. I don't like gay shit, but you love fit.
Why don't you like karaoke?
I like more stuff that you like than you would think.
Like what?
Name something else that you like that you think I wouldn't like.
When buses go do do do do do do do.
I love when buses go do do do do do.
You know why? Because it's when Batman turns his motorcycle around and he goes up the wall and he goes do do do do.
That does rule. You know what? I was so prepared to like not even give a fuck about what you were just talking about, but I
Don't know what when buses make that noise. It's when they're slowing down
Him take your breath control
Hey
Always every comic says it every comic says it and I never understand why people laugh at it
I go sick of comics that are saying the same shit on like this one. Sorry for giving a TED talk
Yeah, God, I hate that. Oh when someone's heckling or somebody's talking they go motherfucker. This ain't YouTube. I can hear you
Shut up
When someone when someone's alarm goes off, I go, oh, it's
time to kill your wife.
Why do people think the what about when a comic goes, are you
going to take a shit?
Oh, the will. Oh, are you going to take a shit?
Yeah. You go and take a shit.
I mean, how far are we getting into this shit? Because I can go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go shit? Because I can go go go go go come out stinky there. Oh, oh, oh when when something bombs and they go
Comedy seller. It's a comedy show. Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah, they point to it and say they don't pay me any money to be here. I don't like that either
This is it. They'll point they'd be like I don't get paid anything to be here. Wait, you guys are getting paid
No, oh I don't get paid anything to be here. Wait, you guys are getting paid? No.
Oh.
Okay, good.
No, we pay.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, Esti, you have all four of us.
Four?
Ethan too.
Say hi to Ethan.
Hello Ethan.
What's another stage thing I hate?
Oh, this, this.
Blah, blah, blah, this joke isn't working,
so I'm gonna go like this
Oh you like laugh a little bit but when they
It's like my number one is so that's a thing. Oh
Yeah, what do we do? What do I do? Oh
You know what? I also hate when comics say something crazy
Oh, you know what I also hate when comics say something crazy, but then they go, but that's or like, and you know, they like say something that was like, I'm not even going
to acknowledge that, which makes it even crazier.
Or when they go, and you're like, whoa, why'd you just sit in like, yeah.
And oh, we all know this person who goes like, I mean, yeah.
Oh yeah. Yeah. I know. I know a bunch of goes like oh, yeah, yeah
I know I know a bunch of people like that like that a bunch of people like that. What about this? Hey, I'm a
Yeah, I really enjoy being a black comic who has passed at the cellar. Oh time for me to go up
Yeah, motherfuckers don't know me
You're really going to like them, Dorian.
Or even worse.
Unless you're Godfrey who is literally doing a character.
Even worse, like the black comics that are like, man, it is hard to be black.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm sitting in the audience going, I'm blacker than this guy.
Or the black comic that gets hired at SNL and then they become Patrice just swirling
a snifter just on stage.
That's a very specific person I'm talking about.
I came up here to work on some specific person.
What about this?
I'm a white host, black comic just got off stage.
I'm a white host who has several children and I'm enjoying a good job.
Black comic gets off stage.
Y'all like that shit.
Yeah. Dude, I did that.
I did that for Pee Dee Diabra once.
I was like, everyone knows like this ex comics.
So funny.
But I'll have little dog ears.
And then I go, this ex comic is my brother from another mother.
Y'all going to love it.
And he goes, why did you say it like that?
I was like, I don't even know.
I'm so sorry.
That's so funny.
This next Jive turkey of a motherfucker,
he gonna come up and he gonna,
Hey, y'all ready to shoot, shoot that hoop?
He goes, shoot.
You know, before I bring him up,
I just want to say, black people, we didn't get time out.
We got time out from getting our ass whooped.
Oh, you know what I'm saying?
Now, ladies,
gentlemen, treat your ladies right. Your next comic coming to the stage.
I just have a big ray of light come out of my mouth.
my mouth. Hey, hey, you frame that perfectly.
Ethan added a huge ray of light to come out of my mouth. There's like a mechanical noise of your dog.
Yeah, I go. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaàáááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááá I like that.
Yeah, that rules.
Oh, oh, Mona Lisa got ugly.
I'm the man in the painting.
Is that a thing?
Is this anything?
You know that was made in like 1503, that painting.
I think that's the exact date actually.
Can you look that up?
Mona Lisa was made in 1503. I think that's the exact date actually. Can you look that up? Mona Lisa was made in 1503.
I think so. I read some interesting stuff about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel.
Oh God. The best thing about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel is there's this one guy who really
didn't like how many penises were showing. So he had to, he was like, I demand that he cover up all
of the cocks. So he put all those ribbons and stuff over it.
But then he painted that guy in the mural and had a snake
winding around him, biting his dick off. Really?
And it's in it. Look up snake biting dick.
That rules. Monalisa1503.
I am on the dot.
How did you make it so that every the eyes follow you?
Just by having it centered. Yeah, if they're by having I think it's entered.
Yeah. If they're centered, I think they just follow. I can't do it. My eyes weird.
See, this Mona Lisa has one eye on that one.
Yeah, that's a moron, Lisa.
Hey.
All right. All right. That's the joke. I When does this come out please next week, all right
Okay. Yeah, June 6th and 7th. I'm headlining governors
All right. OK, yeah. June 6th and 7th, I'm headlining governors.
So it would be great to have some fucking cool people in there, not some like old motherfuckers that just hate me.
Like that would be it would be great if you're from Long Island.
Come on out. And then Sag Daddy to pod. Check out my podcast.
I'd love to have you guys back on together.
We should all go come together.
Should come at the same time. I'd like to.
Oh, Jesus. Right.
When Jordan comes like that,
can you put Sagalow's face there
and the light coming out?
The ray of light hitting.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ah!
That's it.
Nice.
Cool.
Jordan?
I'm going everywhere.
I'm going to Portland.
I'm going to the mothership in Austin, Texas.
I'm going to like Michigan or something weird. Um, but I just added a bunch of dates. They're all
on punch up that live slash Jordan Jensen. So please go check them out.
Yes. Yes. Hello. I'm at the laugh lounge in Ottawa this coming week, May 20th, 30th to the 31st.
Oh yeah, your birthday's coming up.
What are you gonna do for your birthday?
What are you gonna do for your birthday?
We'll figure it out.
My birthday's June 4th.
Charlotte, North Carolina, Duxworth Comedy Club,
June 5th to 7th, the 15th to the 17th,
Wilmington, North Carolina.
I was quiet during yours.
Are they gonna all be ducks?
Come on out and say Ducksworth.
Bring your papi, bring your nappy, and come on down to Ducksworth, Texas.
Life is like a hurricane here in Ducksworth.
That's what the audience is gonna sound like in Ducksworth.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, how you doing tonight?
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
And I gotta stop playing for these ducks.