Bein' Ian With Jordan - Knick Knack W/ Ron Bennington & Jake Velazquez | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep155

Episode Date: July 16, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpodIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2sPodcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast- #rulapod Connect with quality therapists and mental health expertswho specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/IAN- Support the show and get 20% off your Chubbies order with code IANat https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/ianFollow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensenWATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidanceIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8Follow Ron Bennington Here: https://www.instagram.com/benningtonsxm/https://linktr.ee/benningtonshowFollow Jake Velazquez Here: https://www.instagram.com/jakevcomedy/https://punchup.live/jakevelazquezPlease RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms!Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian FidanceOutro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

Dallas, Texas, this weekend, July 18th, the 19th, 20th Addison improv. Let's pack it out. And then I'm going to Indianapolis helium and then August 1st to 3rd, Buffalo helium, Chicago's a nice 14, 15th and 16th of August. And then I am going to Irvine improv, Oxford, levity live and closing out the month of August at Fort Wayne Summit City Comedy Club, Ian, finance.com for all my dates. Let's go Dallas Addison improv. I want to pack that place out. I almost sold it out last time. We're on the verge of selling it out this time. I had a time and I'm happy to hear it. So let's really get it going. Ian finance.com punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. Come and see us on the road. It's a good time.

I got brand new shirts, brand new merch, Ian's Salty Girl merch, blue for sale, black and blue on edgmanstore.com. Come and see me live. I love you. Enjoy the show. It's a doozy. ["Wild Ride"]

Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night it's a wild ride when you're being Ian coffee ice no matter what now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride when you're being Ian being Ian life is shit but you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life

Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan It's alright That's all right. We got to do a good one for Ron. That's amazing. Welcome back to another episode of being Ian with Jordan. I'm Ian and this is Jordan. No gum.

And we are so happy. Patreon dot com slash meeting and part of we get when we get twenty five hundred subscribers, I'm going to shave my mustache and Jordan will shave hers. If I dance dot com, I'm coming all over so many dates, so much fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Punch up that life. I love Jordan Jensen for all her days. She's going to Europe. We don't know if she'll come back. Special drop September 9th. Yes. Mark it on your calendars and mark this on your calendar

as a special day in the annals of B&E and with Jordan history, because our guest today is someone who is one of the greatest. He has helped me out so much and I was so nervous to ever ask him to do the podcast because I never thought that he would come to Williamsburg. And he's here and I am honored and so excited. Longtime friend, wonderful man. I am. Can you tell I'm excited? My toes are. Sure. Ron Bennington's home. Daddy's home. Yes. And he's got New York.

Now, where are you from? I'm from Delaware County. Three children. Not far from him. Not far from where you were, Marcus Hook. Yeah, that's where I was in my elementary school. But I was right on the Delaware border. OK, which was, you know, I see Delaware taking a lot of shit now, too. Have you noticed that from people because of Biden? Yeah. Well, you know, I see Delaware taking a lot of shit now, too. Have you noticed that from people?

Well, because of Biden. Yeah. Well, you think it's all Biden based? Why else is Delaware taking shit? I don't know. People I think are finally going there. It's the first time and then they're complaining about it. No, that's because people don't know how to take in greatness.

People everyone always drives through Delaware, but they don't give it the chance to sit. I got out, walked to a beach and got stuck in muck. Stop. Take your hood off. Take your hood off. Reveal yourself. Let me tell you something. The Delaware beaches are amazing. I went down every year growing up. Shut up. Patricia Towers, Olive Avenue. Um, and it was an amazing time. I would love to go back down. We should go down for the patron. Delaware sucks. Yeah. I say Dewey beach and the bottom of cork. Have you ever been there? Oh, I got kicked out a million times. Yeah. I got kicked out of the bottom

cork more times than the Jews got kicked out of other countries. Okay. I don't want to get into that. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Because my family's from Gaza originally and not doing well. They do not doing well. They do call Marcus Velasquez. I hear. Yeah. I brought my dog with me, but I hear big things about you. Oh, nice. That's good to hear. Hey, I have a joke from 30 seconds ago. They call Marcus Hook the Gaza of Delaware County. Your family's from Gaza? No, no. OK. OK. I want everybody to like me, so I make up stories about myself. I say my mom is black and trans on stage. That's a great. That's a great good.

My grandmother told me to only date and marry Italians and to stay in my race. And I think that's why I love black trans women, because every time I suck their cock, it's like, fuck you, Grammy. I always felt like all Italian grandmothers were black trans women. You know what I mean? They give off that vibe. Totally. They are trans. Strong, strong, strong, strong. Good sauce. Courageous. And they have like a near boy voice.

Just the rasc. Hit the fuck back in the ass. So near boy, near boy voice. Before you got here, Ron was telling us that he got arrested selling Angel Dust at the Philly Spectrum. What is Angel Dust? Angel Dust is a great band. Shout out Brand New Salt.

We got a new album coming out. We'll fuck you. We'll have sex with you at any point. Shout out Justin, shout out Zach is a great band. Shout out. Brand new song. We got a new album coming out. We'll have sex with you at any point. Shout out, Zach. Shout out, Steve. We love you. It's late. Handsome Jim. Boomer drugs. It's a Nazi drug. It's PCP. And it could come in powder form, which we used to call Tick. And that's what I was selling. Had Angel Dust on me.

THC, which wasn't THC, powdered dust basically in my pocket. And I was at an Aerosmith show and bad news opening band was Stix. So I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to go sell some drugs. The long piss break is Stix is on stage. Yeah. And yeah. Taking a break for Stix. Yeah. I didn't want to stay for Stix. But Aerosmith. Yeah.

The Aerosmith. What year was this? It was mid 70s. Prime Aerosmith. Yeah. The Aerosmith. What year was this? It was mid 70s. Prime Aerosmith. Yeah. Prime Aerosmith. Sticks hasn't come out with come sail away yet. 100 percent. They had Lady. That's what they had. You're my lady. And I love you. Yeah, it's terrible. It's a bad song. So anyway, I went down to.

The bathroom, I was doing pretty well, making a little extra money. You know, I was in school and then a guy in a flyers shirt immediately said, yes, I want to buy some drugs. Is that what he said? Yes. Older. Yeah, he was a cop. I would like to buy your drugs. Yeah. And I started to make it up to see up the steps before, you know, everybody jumped on top of me and pulled me out. And next day, I know I'm in the back. None of my friends know what happened to me, but I was yelling, get these motherfuckers off me. I was yelling, they're cops. Get these motherfuckers off me. And people started to come in and then

these cops, these Philly cops just fucking just fucking. Yeah. So that was the what? Guns. Guns. I think they say so. Oh, how do you feel? They're holding a microphone. If he was merely holding up his head. I guess it could have been the fist bump.

They had so afraid of. So, you know, that was that for that, you know. So what happened? You got booked. How long were you in? I was there overnight, released. And like, here's the fucking thing. I mean, it was really ugly place, you know, used to be called the Roundhouse in Philly. And the cops, the detectives were so fucking weird and scary and shit.

There was a guy with like just a pin holding up. So what they got is a pin was holding up his fucking pants instead of his penis. They had a little pin. He had a little pin there where his penis should be. That's a real prick. And yes, and underpaid. Yeah, they were just corrupt. Yeah. Yes.

Was that under Rizzo? Yeah, it was about the Rizzo years. Yeah, exactly. Right. Or the worst. And see it was about the Rizzo years. Exactly. Right. Or the worst. And see, here's the thing is like they started calling me Roy Rogers because they thought it was a horse tranquilizer that I was selling. And they were really on my shit because I was waiting from the suburbs.

And they're like these fucking animals we can expect to be in here. But look at you, kid. Look at you. They were trying to help you. Yeah, I was being scared straight, I guess. How old were you then? I was probably 15 or 16. Oh, my God. Selling angel dust at 15.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the coolest. So the other. You had a gun pointed at you at 15. Yeah, I had a gun pointed at me at 15 by a juggalo at at. It was one of the girls. No, it was in Middletown, Delaware at this haunted hayride place. Yeah. Scary land. No. Frightland. Frightland. Frightland. It was a real gun. Yeah. What was it loaded? I didn't stick around to find out. Yeah, but it was, it was a part of the scary ride. No, it was a juggle.

That would have been weird if it was a scary ride. He thought I assaulted his friend. Can you get glasses? Look at this man. What? What do you have to drink out of? That's a glass. That's a cup. What do you want? Is this who I am? Right. I hate it.

So, yeah. So did you get charged with a felony? Intent to distribute or what? Here's the thing. It's good if you're under 18. Yeah. Is good from the beginning. Second, the the harder part of it was the drugs that I had on me. I owe I owed. Money for because I got it fronted from this guy from my neighborhood named Smoker.

And it was going on this whole fucking time that this shit was hanging over. And when I went to court, it was everybody was black, but me. And I was the only one with a lawyer. That was like when I was a teacher. Yeah. You were just like, I felt good about it. You know, like we have a lawyer here. So I just got that kind of probation that you get that they seal once you turn 18. Did you do Angel Dust? Yeah, a lot of it.

What is it like? It's like, tell us. We used to go out knick knack because a lot of times you would get you would just stay like that for a while. You know what I mean? Called Nick. Like like you could put him on the wall like a knick knack. You learn a person. Cool. You learn like it's the same high as the tin man.

You'd be like, oh, yeah. And it was just like, it's a terrible drug. And then a lot of times it would be like mixed with heroin. So it would be a terrible drug that you were addicted to. You know what I mean? It was just awful. But the thing with Smoker is like when I finally got done with my court case, he comes at me and is like, where's my fucking money? I got your money. What?

He goes, you had my drugs. I go, oh, those are your drugs. My dad thought that they were my drugs and the cops thought that they were my drugs. Yeah, they're your drugs. Smart. This is going to fucking change everything. And he was fucking totally pissed, but never across that line because wow, because he's know that I that was the fucking point. Yeah. Smoker was a good guy.

No, he is a terrible guy. Also, he said he was on Angel Dust one time and he got out of his car and locked the door while the car was still fucking in drive. He had never turned it off. He was this high as shit. And the car starts going down the street while he's chasing it. And then it hits the fucking telephone pole.

And the cops come up and they're trying to figure out why this car falls. What happened here? And he explained it as I had to chase after my truck once. Did you? I left it in neutral, went into a Dunkin Donuts, looked outside and was like, hey, that's I have a truck like that. And I was like, oh, and had to run after it and dive into the cab. Do that happen to me in, I think, Charlotte or no, Charleston or some fucking town I was in recently. I put I thought I parked the car, I get out and it was in drive and it just started floating back and I jumped in and.

I have a lot of dreams like that. Yeah. You have dreams like that. Yeah, yeah, always. Where I'm stuck in the back of a car and dreams like that. Yeah. You have dreams like that? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's where I'm stuck in the back of a car and it's taken off somewhere or something. Well, my dreams are just always transportation related. Yeah. Why is that? Get somewhere, you know, everything. Oh, I hate. Dude, I'm trying to call somebody, but the phones are the numbers are.

Huh? You see phones? Oh, yeah. Apparently there are only flip phones. Oh, flip phones. Because you drive in your dream. I don't know if I've ever driven. I might be being driven and I don't get to the place. I had a dream the other night. I saw my dad and he was walking by me and I couldn't communicate with. That's the worst.

Yeah. When you go to punch and it's your hand is. You know what? I train myself that in from a fight in a dream, pull them in and bite them on the ear. No, you did. I swear to God, I did. How did you train yourself to dream fight? It was a thing that I read about what you can do, how to kind of empower yourself in a dream. So, you know, that you can fly in a dream if you want to. Yeah. You jump and you just keep going.

You're like, I'm dreaming. This is great. You could just lose it. Yeah. But the thing of there, it was like so frustrating to me that I was saying to myself any time I'm in a fight in a dream, I'm going to fucking headbutt or pull the person in and bite their face or ear. Perfect. When I lose it, I would grab a person's head and bury it in my vagina. Oh, they get poisoned. And I would lose a dream constantly.

I would lose a dream all the time because I was such a heavy drinker. And that's what I would lose a dream. And then one day I was like, who is this person that I'm just like getting to go down on me every time I lose a dream? Looked at the face. Guess who it was? Your dad. Any guess? Close. Your mom, Trump. Close. Biden. Bruce Willis.

Holy shit. I'd like to have that dream. Right. Wow. Right. Talk about die hard. I was really I'd like to have that dream. Right? Right? Talk about die hard. I was really I was like good choice. This is good. Dude, hold on that. He's a hot guy that.

How do you train yourself to actually control your dream? I want to learn. You have to be in that place in between asleep and awake. So you have to constantly constantly in there. Yeah. And I'm going to fight back. A boyfriend that made me go like this every time you go to sleep, he wanted to do what you did control it. And he'd be like, say to me when I'm asleep, say lucid dream, say lucid dream. And he would be asleep and I'd go lucid dream.

He would just wake up and be like, what? And I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense that that would happen. What? He'd be like, what? I'd be like, yeah, I just woke you up. But he made goggles that would flash a red light. Yeah. Yeah. What? He'd be like, well, I'd be like, yeah, I just woke you up. But he made goggles that would flash a red light. Yeah. Yeah. At the back of his eyes. Some people didn't donatella from the ninja. It takes a while. He was crazy seconds.

And then it's like you get used to checking a watch so much than in your dreams when you check the watch. It's the same as like inception with the spinning top. But you see the same time every time and you're like, oh, I'm dreaming. Yeah, it was one shoe. If I lost a shoe, I knew I was losing dreaming because that kept happening where I'd be like, oh, I'm dreaming. Mine was one shoe. If I lost a shoe, I knew I was lucid dreaming because I kept happening where I'd be like, I literally don't lose. You can't.

There's one shoe in this entire place. Where's the other shoe? And then I'd be like, I'm lucid dreaming. And then I would go out. I used to. Yeah, I could fly. Me and my ex recorded me sleeping. So I'm like, oh, this guy becomes full Jew in his sleep.

Yeah, literally fast asleep. He's just sleeping. You hear it here. You're here and go like this. How did they get it? full Jew in his sleep. Yeah, literally fast asleep. He's actually been here. You hear him go like this. How did they get it? Or he goes, who are those people? And his girlfriend goes, hmm. And then he goes, well, did they pay to get in?

There was another one, too, that you did. Oh, I go, I go, I go. Absolutely terrifying. Oh, yeah, absolutely go I go Absolutely terrifying Yeah, and then it also recorded us having sex and Jordan had to listen to that by accident and through a wall Oh, yeah, I had to hear fucking Jake have sex you had sex. Well, we're in the fucking hotel And I'm did I talk about I think you have yeah,, I heard. I heard. Hotel. What hotel? And there's squealing. You squeal. It was a woman. And I was like, damn, somebody

is getting it right. And then Jake comes into my room the next morning. I'm like, hey, I was like, dude, there was like sex noises all night. And he's like, ah, that might have actually been us. And I was like, what? What room are you in? And he was like, it's the one right next year. And I was like, yeah, it was definitely you. Like it might actually been us and I was like what what room are you in and he was like It's the one right next year's and I was like, yeah, it was definitely you like it might have been but she was going

But I couldn't hear him. Thank God with you. I could hear you. I bet you could hear me. What'd you hear? That's a good alpha noise it was a good noise there was no squealing mine is like whisper and very beta I imagine whisper dirty talk. Yeah, just like Whisper and very beta. I imagine whisper dirty talk. Yeah, just like I feel like you would move during sex like a mouse trying to get cheese from a trap Sexy that's sexy But when you whisper like whose pussy is this? Yeah, she along those lines. Who's pussy is this? Yeah. She's like, mine. What? I was like, I'm just checking.

Ooh, I'm the only one in the room. I wasn't sure that it was my pussy. I just wanted to know where I wanted it. Yeah, I was just validating. I wanted to be sure. It was at the rightful place. I thought I heard my neighbors having sex the other night. I kept hearing, I was outside, smoking a cigarette, and I was hearing...

That's sex. And I was like, oh a cigarette and I was hearing. That sex. And I was like, oh, my God, these people are fucking having sex. Let me look through the window. Maybe it was the washing machine, though. It was a pipe dripping. Yeah. It was from a gutter washing machine. Yeah. Yeah. I once watched an entire couple have sex in college. I was so drunk and I was just outside this dorm and I looked through and they were having

sex and I was like, well, what is well, what's this entire thing? And I watched the whole thing. I watched him pull out. I watched him come on her stomach. I watched him go get it. And I was so like, I was like, this is crazy. How far away were you? I mean, this far, this look and they didn't see you.

Like I was out that window and you were having sex. They didn't see you. No. And I was just, if they had. You sure you weren't lucid dreaming? No, it was slap blind. So it was slap blind. So they, and their light was on and mine was off.

Oh my God. Can you imagine just seeing two eyes so far apart? I watched him go get paper towels and wipe the comma off her. It was real. That's a gentleman. It was really sweet. He wiped off water? Yeah.

He didn't do a crumple throw? She just laid there. She laid there the whole time. Didn't move. It was real gentleman. It was really sweet. He wiped off water. He didn't do a crumple throw. She just laid there. She laid there the whole time. Didn't move. That's nice. F**ked her. Fished her.

I faked it a couple weeks ago and when I pulled out I went on her back and then I was like, I'll wipe it off. She was like, it's foamy. Why would you have a fake orgasm and spit on her back? Because I can't come. Yeah, but you get power over us by not coming. I have I'm on antidepressants. And sometimes I can't come.

So I have to fake it because I don't want to be like, look, it's not going to work. I want them to like take offense. So I'll fake it. And sometimes I'll one time I was I faked it in a condom. She's like, oh, let me see. And I was like, no, I'm old. It was a meager offering. Here's the thing. I mean, I don't want to even scare you with it, but it in a condom. She's like, oh, let me see. And I was like, no, I'm old. It was a meager offering.

Here's the thing. I mean, I don't want to even scare you with it, but it could be ass cancer, too. Why? Yeah, that's what happens when you get ass cancer. What are you talking about? You can get hard. Huh? You can get hard. No, you can get hard, but you just can't come. It's very early stages.

No, don't take your ass out. No, I want you to examine. Well, I have to take these. I might have asked cancer. Blue chew. Use promo code. I faked it many times. Really?

B and N is your promo code? Yeah. How do you fake it? A gift from me. Condom. So easy. Cheers. But what do you do?

You go, we taking them now or we doing it later? Let's race. Oh, fuck Danny. Oh, fuck. And then I take the condom off and I throw it in the garbage real quick like. Yeah, you gotta run. I fake it many daddy. Yeah, and then I take the condom off and I throw in the garbage real quick like yeah, you gotta run. Yeah, but wait, you're saying not coming as a sign of prostate cancer. I know I could be wrong. Is it prostate or ass? Are you free? You're like a WebMD right now. No, no, no, don't go by me. But I think you're fine. But you- I didn't know that you- I didn't know you were taking

other stuff. Yeah, a lot. Yeah, a lot of it. A lot of stuff. Yeah a lot. Yeah a lot of it a lot of stuff Yeah, no, I'm taking two out of the pocket. No, I'm here. Well one for me and one for you Okay, cool. You can't love for a lot of reasons. You're fucking pigs you hate like it's not what sorry. I don't hate I like her Oh, yeah But maybe sometimes you get a little anxious you get to in your head You think you're you know I do get in my head because I take the blue tube because i'm wearing my cocks I could work and then I'm like, oh is it gonna work? Is it gonna work actually when I was going to see the gal

I fish a blue chair out of my bag and I could only find one and I went to a convenience store I was gonna get rhino blood or whatever it's called and I was googling like best cast Asian boner pills And it was like if you're on medication could give you a heart attack. I was like, right? Oh god What if I don't get my god, you need to just be honest with people. I do, I say, look, I'm on antidepressants, but don't say I'm on performance advancing drugs. Just say, who knows if we'll have sex or not. Let's see how things go. I do not want you to take offense.

Sometimes it doesn't work. I was like a carnival barker. I was like, come on, come on. I'm gonna fuck you with everything I got. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. Sometimes in order to get there, you gotta do that. Yeah, I see, that sucks. The buildup is so crazy that what do you have?

The pressure's on. You're like a used car salesman. Yeah. Or a New York landlord. Yeah, I was like, you're going to want this top coat. And then she gets a lemon. And then you show up and you're like, where do I put my backpack? Yeah.

Dude, that's a turn off for your backpack. Just for me, like going into somebody's house after I've been texting, being like, I'm going to fucking me, me, me. And then I get in there and I'm like, wait, should I put my bicycle helmet? Right. Right. I can see that. I leave it attached to the bike. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's good. I never go through with it. I'm all talk, no game.

I'll talk, I'll sex. I'll be like, we're going to I'm going to freaking and then I, and then I go, I can't, I'll sext, I'll be like, we're gonna, I'm gonna frickin' do all that stuff. And then I go, I can't be there. I can't go. You don't even show up? I don't show up. Really? I bail. False advertising.

Yep, big time. They probably think you have a cock. You know what I mean? They probably thought. People just look at me and assume I have a cock. These are all cock friendly men. Okay, that's good. They're hoping for a cock.

They're disappointed with my video. If you were a cock, I'd chain you to my radio. That's so romantic. That's really sweet talk. That's quite nice. Yeah. Bluechew. Bluechew sponsors the pod. Yes.

You know what I just did, which was cool? What? Gambling site tried to sponsor RIP and I said no. I've said no to them. Obviously. Yeah. And also BetterHelp said no because it's a sham. And we got asked to get sponsored by a weed company and I said no. Which one? Some fucking Delta A bullshit. Yeah. And also like another. So you voting for the Socialist from there? Because you're throwing all the way. I voted for him. Second, I voted Brad Lender first.

Yeah, well, he's adorable. He's cute. Did you vote Cuomo? Well, I'm part of the Cuomo family. There's nothing. Are you? Yeah, the Cuomo family. Oh, you know what I mean? Part of that deal. Are you really? I think I'm going for the Guardian Angel.

I feel like God. Yeah, we love you. I feel like. We love you. Put on more wigs. That's going to get into a subway and this fight. I think you can run. Have you seen, do you know the guardian angels? No. Oh my God. The guardian angels in the eighties saved the city. There were these people that were volunteering to like stop crime because the police weren't doing anything. And they were like this mobilized force of like street tough volunteers

to stop people from getting mugged. Cut to Carlos Silva brought them back now. Have you seen the recent Guardian Angels? Yeah, they're not the same. They are all handicapped. Yeah. Oh, kids that are like, I want to be a security guard. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's like how the military has like furries in it Now. Yeah, Curtis Lee was a bit Your belly squeaks like this. Oh, I did have a one the train like 4 a.m. It's like a skinny guy thing where they stick

Yeah, I just just checking it's still flat But if I'm on the train at like 4 a.m., I'll see him. Really? Yeah. I've seen him a couple of times. Wow. The mayor? The mayoral candidate. The future mayor. Future mayor. Yeah. Future mayor. The future mayor. He had something last election that was wild that it was like so wild that it almost made me in on

him. He was like, we need to solve the homeless problem. I proposed busing them all to a camp. Oh my God. I'm going to vote twice. And I was like, this guy is incredible. I don't vote for Zoltar. I'll lose all my friends. Here's the thing about say you voted for. Here's the thing about Zoltar, though. I get it. The young people are behind them. It's going to be their city.

And then the rich people are like, we'll leave and we'll take our businesses. Fucking go, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I don't give a shit. There was no big businesses in the seventies and it fucking rocked. But at the same time, he all the one percent, if they move, who's going to get all that tax? Because isn't his idea of taxing all those people? How are you going to get that money? We need to just fucking live on.

Yeah, but they have like it was CBG's and it's fucking you know, I mean, that's when the city rocked. Yeah, it rocked them. But it's like CBGB's time now with higher rent. It sucks. Yeah. The rent will fucking come down. You think the rent has to come to you. First of all, I'm in Midtown. Those places are turning into apartments, all the office building.

Right. Because people are working from home and all kinds of shit. So that's coming down. The city is going to get ugly. It's going to get nasty. And it's going to be a fucking party like the seventies. I'm learning how to box to protect myself and the people around me. I don't even think you need to. I think you got the attitude to get yourself out of any situation. You know what I mean? You got that attitude. Yeah. Are people getting more though? You wish men are going to get that's like it'll happen to the women. Why? That's my belief.

Why? Because the young kids are my male friends. Let my male friends get attacked way more than my female friends. Sure. Like my dorky looking male friends will just get knocked up the side of the head and get their shit to take you Tom Takara got knocked out like twice dude Steve Rogers got pushed to the head like nine times Yeah, and then he I actually I think I upset him and Caitlin cuz I was like dude He was like yeah, I saw him again, and I was like well. Did you do anything? He's like nah

I figured he's had a hard enough life, and I was like you you are the problem. That's nice. Man, that is insane to me. Yeah, sweet, though. I know like two or three women that have been attacked, actually. But they all said they like beat the guy up and got away. And I'm like, who's who's attacking these women? We have a lot of rage. No, we have a lot of rage. Yeah, guys don't like me just attacking black. It is shorties in in Bushwick that remember that short guy that would just run up to be, they were like, he's four foot nine

and punches people in the head. And I'm like, stop him. How? Yeah. Yeah. You know why he's angry now. Yeah, we do. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It's true. So you really think rent's going to go down? I think, I think Zoran is a great choice. I think it's energizing a group of people that have felt hopeless for a long time. Right. And I think there's dude, he lost or Cuomo lost the second they were like, hey, what's the first trip you're going to take as mayor?

And everyone was like, we're going to Israel. And he's like, I'm staying in New York to help New Yorkers. If you don't see that that's a common sense answer, you're an idiot. You're being weird with that. Dude, I was like, do you recognize Israel as a dependent state? And he was like, I recognize equal rights. I do recognize it. And I was like, this is a mayor. This is a mayor debate. Yeah. Mayor. Yeah. It's crazy.

It should be like, do you recognize New Jersey? Not really. Yeah. Not really. Staten Island. Fuck. Staten Island is goss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, Island? Fuck that. Staten Island is awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, what should we call it? Apparently Trump is like, we're going to deport Zoran, blah, blah, blah. Oh my God, did he say that?

Are you fucking shitting me? Look, yeah, it's fucking stupid. Can we have Gotham super villains? Can I pitch you guys on Eric Adams though? Pitch us on the man. The guy is what we used to call Jive. You know what I mean? Like, he is a job. My dad, yes. Eric Adams.

He was smoking hookah during the election. It's like after hours for me to play the clip. This content is unbelievable. It's the best. It's unbelievable. He said the N word in the thing. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, he said Negroes. He said, OK, they do not know.. Well, yeah. Well, he said Negroes. He said Negroes. Oh, OK. He said they do not know. God forgive them. That's what he said. Yeah. And then he goes, New York City is a city where you never know what's

going to happen. Are they going to be shooting a movie on Fifth Avenue or flying planes in the buildings? You just don't know. You know, it's all coming down now, man. Yeah. You know, but here's the thing. He was a cop and then a mayor. And yet he's wearing these suits that are like six, seven thousand dollars. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's the side hustle?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. Wasn't he in bed with like Turkey or something? Yeah. Side money. The hair plugs, the hair. And then he then he went to Mar-a-Lago and came back and got a pardon from Trump. And you're like, finally, the Democrats and Republicans coming together. Yeah. Yeah. Corrupt. Corruptions. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of nice.

What is Mar-a-Lago? Mar-a-Lago is Trump's house in Florida. But it's like what they do. Do you know who Trump is? Yeah. Oh, he pardoned him because he went there. He went there and he made a deal basically that they could have. Oh, the Turkey like the camp. Yeah, I know. I thought you were saying that something happened at Mar-a-Lago.

Like it was this at the pardon happened. I know. I know. But I thought there was a crime that happened there. And then he was part of that is kind of a crime. It was a quid pro quo. Right. Mar-a-Lago was like the Camp David for Trump. Where is it? Yeah, it kind of is. Camp David again. Camp David is like outside of the White House. It's on the other side of the river. And they go there is kind of is. Is Camp David again? Camp David is like outside of the White House.

It's on the other side of the river and they go there is kind of rustic and they can chill a little bit. Yeah, it's like the offsite White House. Hi everybody. It's time to get your brain out of panic mode. Rula's affordable online therapy is your answer. I would use Rula, but I'm happy with my therapist finally, but I have talked to people that have used Rula and they've liked it. I use cigarettes to get rid of my

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Summer's here. Dress like it in Chubbys. Now you, you, when did you move from Marcus Hook to New York? Well, uh, by the way, I was in Chichester. So Marcus Hook is part of Chichester. But I went to Florida first for a lot of years. That's where I started radio. Yeah.

And it's a, you know, I know that you're not supposed to change your geography for your addictions, but I did. You know what I mean? Like, it's wide open down there in Florida. Yeah, down there in Florida. What was it? Angel dust or what? No, no, this is cocaine and any kind of landing gear. You know, crack is something that you try.

But if you have parents that stayed together, you're like, I like this. But no, I can't do that to them. Right. Right. I can't do that to them. I can't do that to them. Right. And I always thought of heroin the same way, like really nice. But is that where you know, yeah, that's the one I want to explain name so that you can explain away. You can't just do heroin. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Like I do blow. But if you do blow, you're like, you know, like I'm like Miami Vice, really. You know what I mean? That's a real Florida. Math is that is more like Tallahassee, Jacksonville. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Math is three days, no sleep. And then you do some really bad things. So I used to work with a guy as a carpenter and he was a Jesus Buddy. Yeah, I see Jesus in everyone. Oh, that's a great especially

Mexican carpenters. Yes, I I worked with this guy and he told me he used to do meth and And he was like I used to mow the lawn at four o'clock in the morning on that man under the moonlight I go why he goes what else you gonna do when you already clean your house. He's right He's right. I remember I was in like middle school and my friend stole his mom's diet pills and they were all like black beauties and white beauties. Yes. So it was like three o'clock in the morning. And I snuck out of my house to go over to see if he was still awake.

And I looked through the living room window and she was just vacuuming at like three. Yeah, she was fucking whack. And I'm like, I should go in to talk to her. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's ready. Anything to not eat. Yeah. Yeah. When did you move to New York? Two thousand. I wanted to get here for like nine eleven. I wanted to come in.

I was going to tell my children here. They were training in Florida. So you probably ran into them. Actually, I didn't live far from where they trained. Really? Yeah. And Daytona, which they trained the terrorists trained. Do you remember 9-11? Yeah. Muhammad. The bad people. Yeah. They trained. They took flying lessons in Florida, but they never stuck around for landing lessons as the. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. They're like, you know, next week we're doing landing.

Don't worry. Yeah. We're fine. That's great. I didn't know they did that in Florida. Yeah. Right. A little Daytona. And you know where they stayed at the Fairfield Inn in Fairfield, Connecticut, where we stand up shows stand-up shows. Yes, during the pandemic. Worst shows ever.

Yeah, I've had a couple. Beacher. Beacher. Wow. Beacher, wow. Beacher? Yeah. I found out that they did, that the terrorists stayed there because I made a joke about 9-11

and a hush went over the crowd. Yeah. And I was like, oh, what? None of you were there. They were like, actually, this is where they stayed. They're still here. They can hear that spirit. The people that work there took them room service

the morning of. Yeah, that is a terroristy place. Yeah. I don't know who would say that. Oh, Connecticut. Yeah, Connecticut itself and Fairfield. The lowest is the lowest. They can just do stand up at the same height

as the chairs, Just kill yourself. Oh yeah, in the woods. Yeah. Oh, you did it outside? They did it in the hotel. We did it in the hotel. I used to do it in the hotel too. Brutal.

In front of the little fireplace. Yeah, in front of the little fireplace. God bless them though, it kept us busy. Like dude, we were doing, I played RFK Stadium with Big J and Attell for 350 cars during the pandemic and they were honking laughter. That's cool. That's unbelievably sad, isn't it? Like it's on. It felt like there was no coming out of it.

It was like the rest of our lives. I was thriving. I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I was having sex a lot, biking around, doing four shows a night, different parks, different parks. Didn't have to be an indoor kid. I am an outdoor kid. Right. And then I had to go back inside with all the glass. I love the park show. Right. You just whip up in your little bicycle, get a jump off.

What's up, buddy? That's a crow. That's a dog. What's that bird doing? Have the bike rested on the tree you were performing in front of. You could do multiple shows in the same park sometimes. Oh, yeah. Central Park. We walk from one side to another. It was not. It's like we're at the Bethesda Fountain now. And then I'm going to be going to the Sheeps Meadow show.

Dude, the pandemic shows helped me like break out of my shell because I was like, I can't just stay still and say jokes. So I was like this crush I've ever seen to date. Ian Fiedans on a rooftop. I was there. Oh, wow. That was the best. It was one of the best sets I've ever seen to date Ian Fyodance on a rooftop. I was there. Oh, wow. That was the best. It was one of the best sets I've ever seen. Jumped on the stool, said I love black women.

Oh, yeah. Love black women. The train went by. You reference your dead dad. Balloon. Balloon went through and you said, Dad, that's my dad. I could recite the whole thing. Incredible. It's all up here. I was on a date. I was on a date. I was on a date with Chuck and we were fucking dying. Oh, man. I know.

Yes, friend was. Thank you. On the same roof. Are you are you open for the next pandemic where you can just roll again? Yeah. Rooftop and you were manic, though. I mean, you were really like that. You had just gone through this fucked up borderline. I wake up through it and you were I mean, you were crying to me, though. I mean, you were really like that. You had just gone through this fucked up borderline breakup through it. And you were I mean, you were crying to me, crying. I remember on the stage.

No, that was a different time before you went up. You're like, I'm doing it. I'm chain smoking, like tearing up and you're like, oh, sorry, I got to go on. And then you went on and just fucking destroyed, which I actually did at the cellar. I was crying about a big fight with the guy. And and Liz was like, I'll punch you in the face get it together And I was like okay, and then I cry Tom Cassidy to come over and slap me in the face

Sometimes and they took me in the hospital. I think I think I'll change the subject Maybe I should show my meds up real wild. Sorry. I'm that way again. No, you just have to get rest Yeah, but you can get that same manic energy if you're healthy healthy You always go through a big breakup, right? That's your thing Like so lately lately he's been going to little pre come breakups. Yeah. All right. What was that? He can't come with it yet He has ass cancer I'm about to get broken up with my life You've done enough No, actually that that mania and

that like insanity, I've been harnessing that on stage and having more fun now than ever. And I'm fucking loving it. Yeah. And having a blast. That's good. But I'm scared of changing my meds because I'm afraid it's going to fuck with me. But I am going to taper down off the Zoloft just because I am now seeing a legitimate psychiatrist and I'm doing it under the care of a doctor instead of doing it myself. Aaron Rodgers would hate this. Why?

He does not like that stuff. Aaron Rodgers and Tom Cruise both don't believe in that. I know. Aren't they both Scientologists? At least one of them is. I don't know what Aaron Rodgers is. I think he's closeted. I...

I... I... I... So is that Tom Cruisegers is. I think he's closeted. I so is Tom Cruise. Yeah. Is he really sensing a pattern? I heard a crazy cruise story. That's all right. Let's go. Some guy, friend of a friend. This is a very through the grapevine thing, but some guy met him and then like a week later got a call called into an office,

had to sign an NDA so we could get ass pounded by Tom Cruz. No way. I was like, he didn't really abide by the NDA because it's made it to this podcast. Yeah. No damn anal. Could you imagine how hard you would fuck Tom Cruz if he had the opportunity? I would. Fuck or get fucked? No, I'd fuck him. Tom did the fucking. I'd want to fuck him because You wouldn't get fucked by Tom every Scientologist huge megastar is likely gay like John Travolta Why hey, what's what am I hearing? Will Smith? Bounce back have you are full of it? Yeah, Will Smith looks like he was stung by bees and they affected his medulla oblongata Have you heard his new song?

It's terrible. It's a great. When he said, I mean, that's a gay man trying to say, I'm not gay. I like pretty girls. Well, he has a beautiful wife and he defends her. Yeah, he does defend her. He has a beautiful husband. That is a husband. Talk shit. If you talk about me on stage, I'm coming on the stage. Yes knocking you off stage

Yeah, yeah, like was so good and then he put up meek mill in the roots. He got real Philly Yeah, he's like, I'm a Philly guy. Oh, so I don't think he's yeah Okay. Yeah Allegedly coming out of Philly Yes love is not gay but We should say a legend. We should say a legend. Westlove is not gay, but gay to me because we sat next to each other at an Amakasi sushi

place and made friends. And then he didn't follow me back on Instagram and we're responding. That hurts. It was fun hanging out. Yeah, it was fun hanging out. Yeah. Westlove, you're not gay. You're not gay.

You were just suffering. You're just suffering while trying to eat your meal. And I'm sorry. He wasn't suffering. He had fun. Can we say this, though, about Will Smith? He had no choice. Right. Somebody said some. He had to run on stage and had to slap him. There was no other thing. Because Jada had a gun to his head.

Yeah. It would have been more fitting if he like took a glove off. Yeah. One of those gay glove slaps. That would have been sick. What was better than the fact that after he did that, that he got a standing ovation? Oh, my God. I mean, now you guys know where comedy is to people in Hollywood. Wait, he got a standing ovation. Yeah. And they gave him a standing ovation. Everybody stood. Yeah.

And then he related his speech to the slap because he was saying he won for that tennis movie. He played like King Richard. Yes. And he was like, I just played a guy who protects his family. And then he got like a standing ovation. It's beautiful. Because he's saying he protected his family by slapping Chris Rock. I thought they were friends when he said this.

Well, you know, Chris Rock was on Fresh Prince of Bel Air on an episode, but he had to dress up like a woman. So really? Yeah. See, see, see, that's because that's that Hollywood ritual. Right. Making the black man wear a dress. Yeah. That's that's facts. I think you don't need to do the kind of accent. I think you could have just said it, but it goes to a whole other place. Black guys dress up as women.

Now, Williams, a lot. They make men dress up as women. It's a funny thing to have a guy in a dress. Robin Williams, Mrs. Doubtfire. Name another. Other stuff. Ace Ventura, Tutu. Yes. Ace Ventura. I mean, it's a silly funny thing. Dustin Hoffman, Tootsie. Like, I mean, come on. It's just a funny thing to have a guy in a dress and black people are the funniest people So put him in a dress double funny. Also do a little Harry is gay, too Is he what Tyler Perry is gay? He had a you heard it here first patreon.com plus being the impact what sued?

by Tom Cruise Hop in my direction What Tyler Perry has a gay lover. Thank God. Yeah, thank you. He's taken him to court. Look it up. Please.

I also want to say something about coughing. This happened to me, I think three weeks ago, walking through down the street, a woman coughs right over my shoulder. Really hard. Oh God. I literally stop and I'm like can I find my inner Will Smith and fucking smack her across her face. Yes. I walk up 10 feet later and she's in the gutter puking in the gutter and it was like the start of one of those movies that a zombie yeah like one of those monkey, my

mom and the whole world. And it was like the most fucked up feeling. Get out of my house. Fucked up. Why are you here? When did that happen? Three weeks ago. Oh, OK. Three weeks.

She's got your con buntivitis. I've got your junk of it. She's got no you can't. Did I say this? She's got Candida Candida Candida. Oh, Candida. We can D. D. I say sis she's got Candida Candida Candida Oh Candida's we can make it together. I have to get an MRI on Thursday. Yeah for the lump in my vagina Dude, I can't get an MRI. I want one though. Can I ask you something?

How scary is it gonna be waiting for results? Are they gonna just say cancer riddled all over you? No, they're not gonna you're not gonna know results until a doctor sees it and it's annoying but how close how tight is the space? Am I gonna have a panic? No an MRI and x-ray a cat scan you go in the tube wait Oh, yeah, you also go in the tube from an MRI And it's really loud in there. Oh Yeah, I was talking about need that to pull the lump out of your vagina. Yeah, that would be all. Let's just get a magnet.

Here, hold on. Put this on. Hey, I'm making a joke. Put this up there and I'll suck it. Do I have metal in my body? No, no. No broken bones. OK, maybe it's a metal lump. Maybe it's your watch.

It was an IUD. Would it just get sucked out of the MRI? Yeah, baby. Oh, God. It would pull you up to the top. You'd levitate like Dana Barrett. It would be cool. Yeah. That's the MR. The that thing. That's how the space shuttle blew up.

There's a challenger. Yeah. The challenger blew up because she had a lump, kind of metalist lump. Yeah. Just exploded. Every time I go through the scanner at the airport, I always have to get papped down on my vagina. Yeah, dude. You, some guy left a ring in your pussy.

Was it those my sunglasses? She just broke my sunglasses. Can I please have them? Crazy. You look. Oh, shit. Dude, are you fucking serious? Can I please have them? This is crazy. You look. Oh shit. Dude, are you fucking serious?

Those are literally dollar store sunglasses. You dumb fuck. They're from End It. Oh my god. Dude, I'm so fed up with that. Where's that lick? Then I can only do hour I'm so fed up with that.

Where's that lick? Then I can only do hour long sessions. She's the best. Let her eat shit. Dude, no, those are my possessions that she's chewing and eating. Two dollar stupid glasses. That's the principle of the matter, man. She's not chewing anything expensive. She's, it doesn't matter if it's expensive or not. It's my possession that your dog is ruining.

Agree or disagree? Agreed. Thank you. There's nothing we can do about it. Oh, an apology would be nice. Coyote. So you're like, sorry, apologize. Come, I feel like I'm back with my parents and this is all my fault somehow. I don't know what I did wrong. That my parents are fighting.

The dog is chewing on my glasses. Our son's selling angel dust. I don't like dogs being this close. Kiss me if you're sorry. Damn shade. Wow. Like mother, like daughter. You don't think that's where the lump came from, do you? My dog? Yeah.

No, I think it's a I think it's a bulbous menoris. That's what it feels like. Yeah. It feels like a bulbous. You're 34. You should be staying away from menoris. I've had the lump for a long time. I don't really need to get it checked out, but I am on the. It's not fucking. I might sleep through the MRI. I'll say that. You'll be.

When are you going here? Thursday. Where? Here you go. Little play. I just I'm going to sleep through it. I'm not really going to go. I don't want to be in a big tube. You have to go to take care of yourself. I'll go with you. I won't touch you, but I'll be there so you won't be alone. I'll go in the tube with you. Oh, he can be in tube time. Little guy tube time. No, I can't be in the tube. I got metal in my time. Little guy tube time. No, I can't be in the tube. I got metal in my body. Little guy tube time.

He does give off new Ian vibes. No, you ready? I used to have a mustache. I had a mustache two weeks ago, though, and I was really, I was gunning. I'm going to say the same thing when we reach 2500 Patreon subscribers. You're taking off the mustache? At 2500, I'm shaving the mustache. We only have seventy five.

We only have seventeen hundred. That's good. We need more. You need more. Subscribe and then delete it. No, shut up. Shut up. Subscribe. It's worth it. Aren't you talking to people already subscribed right now? What do you know? This is a regular episode. Oh, are you stupid? Yeah. Oh, well, take out the Tom Cruise thing. It's too late.

It's too late. Too late. I just got a call from him. Well, I didn't know if that's true. So don't sue me, Cruz. Ethan isn't even here. He's AI. Hey, of course, his name is, of course, he's gay.

His last name is Cruz. Oh, that was nice. Show him your Cruz face. Pay for my sunglasses. Show him your Cruz face. It's good, right? Watch this. This is what he did when he was cruising.

Look at them in the eye. Oh, my God. Right. That's your cruise face. It's good, right? Watch this. This is what he did when he was cruising. Look at them in the eye. Oh, my God. Right. That is right. Right. That is powerful. Do it to me. I board that cruise.

Jesus. Wow. Really good. Yeah. Now into the camera. Call me Carnival because it's going to be a cruise. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. Stay three nights this summer at Best Western and get $50 off a future stay.

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Try them all. This is good stuff for when you're cruising for an anal bruise. Are you doing blue chew every time now? Do not eat that. I am because I'm afraid of it not working without it. And then I get my head. All first goes. Although there is a gal. I really like her and I am going to try not using it, but I want to. Take her to pound town. You have to get one of those. You just you just suck me off a little bit until I get hard. Yeah, but then I'm in my head and I'm like, you better work, you stupid,

unemployed. Why don't you just tell yourself that when it when it's time for it to work, it will work. And until then, you should just be getting to know people. But then sometimes I will lose it in the act because I'm so sorry. You know what a lot of girls like? Olympic, just slapping against that Olympic. And when that happens, it's really sexy. You know what a lot of girls like? A limp dick just slapping against that. A limp dick. And when that happens, it's really sexy if you yell. It's your fault.

It's your fault, ugly girl. I thought you were prettier. That will keep us around. Yeah. Also, if you keep saying, I'm going to get hard, apparently it doesn't work. No. So you have to do the opposite. You have to be like, I'm going to give her the softest penis ever.

Right. And then you get hard. That's how you get out of panic attacks. That's what I do. It's coming. I'll be like, I don't even want to come. And then. Yeah, exactly.

Only bad girls come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, now I'm going to come. I've told men to tell me not to come so that I'll come. Oh, a lot of girls like permission to come. Yeah, don't come yet until I tell you. Is that how you talk to your dick? Don't come yet until I tell you. Don't get hard until I say only bad girls come. Yeah. Like don't come yet until I tell you. Is that how you talk to your dick? Don't come yet until I tell you. Don't get hard until I say only bad girls come. And my wiener goes,

okay. Well, I'm a good girl, so I'll never come again. I will come and I'm going to go. Also you have ass cancer and I'm being racked with pain. I tell you, sometimes I do get pains in my lower colon. Oh God. That's the worst, bro. I'm taking prostate vitamins. Oh, no. What are those? Oh, no. I think I have it. Don't use chat GPT because it's bad for your brain. What do you take a chap GPT? Well, I use it to write on my book reports for 11th grade. I would love to see a Billy Madison reboot with Ron Bennington. That would be amazing. I actually think after today, I could be a doctor.

I'm able to just recognize these problems. It sounds like we have ass cancer. I have. Yeah. Me and Jake. You got it. You're just Fisher. It's the worst rectal bleeding. We both have that itching. We both have that.

I don't have a lump or mass. Ron, you're so right. That's what happened. That's how you rep your ass. No. But when you when you shit, you're pushing sometimes because it's the only way you can rep your asshole unless. No, I was taking these iron supplements. So it's like I was shitting out dildos like it was so stiff you man really bad. I'm sorry. No, it's okay It's really yet and then it tore me do we have ass cancer? Yeah, you might see if that more

Would that be crazy if all three of you had ass cancer? I? None of us did and you did oh, I have had it for a lot of years. Yes. I've had it for a lot of years. No, is that true? Here's how I treat it. Just juice. Icy juice is all I have. I have like, uh, a nice little juice. I put a lot of ice in there. This is, this is one of your Bennington tales. No, this isn't true. No, you really had prostate. No, I don't have prostate cancer. That's for guys that take a lot of medications and have. Do women get ass cancer? Yeah, that's how Farrah Fawcett died.

I look like Farrah Fawcett. You really do. Identical. Yeah. I'll never forget. I was in rehab when Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died. And this guy goes, Farrah Fawcett died at Ohio. And he goes, anal cancer. It makes you sound so sexy.

I wasn't expecting that. I'll be totally honest. And how did Michael die? Shame. That's what killed him. He died. Michael Jackson died in rehab. They made us all have a big group meeting. And this this nurse sang man in the mirror through tears while we all had to watch. Did you tell her that's like literally his worst song? You know, I mean, do some great song, do some Jackson five stuff. That's where that kid. You don't like that song. That's a great song.

That song Michael Jackson's ever done. Free willy song. No black and white. Black and white is good. River Jordan. Hey ho. Hey ho. No mo.

Oh, I like. You know what? Now I'm glad he's dead. Now I'm glad he's dead. Now I'm glad he's dead. If you're black or white, he was talking about himself. Doesn't matter if I'm black or white. Doesn't matter. Stop bringing it up. I played that song for my grandma.

I said, see, see, stop saying the N word. See, Grammy, I can date outside my race. Was your grandmother racist? Yes. Yeah. Mine had us all remove the ladders from the side of the house so the blacks wouldn't get in. It's a good idea, though.

Yeah. It's a smart idea. Wow. The ladders away from the windows. Yeah. And her husband at one point piped up and went, Who the hell would want you? Oh, boy. We laughed. Oh Jesus. That was my great grandmother. I know where you get it all from.

Your lineage is just slime. Yeah, it's the bad blood. We call it the bad blood. I don't think my grandmother was maliciously racist. She was just a product of being raised by Italian immigrants and like racist But that's like saying, you know, my great-grandfather was a Nazi but that's because his dad was You know, he had no one just a sign of the time

Yeah, we had Yeah. Oh no. My grandfather saw. Black cleaning lady. Looked at Obama and went, that's one smart N word. So he was liberal, but. Yeah, in his own way. My grandfather now, very liberal, but he says things and you're like, oh, like this lady, she has this physical therapist come in once a week and he's like, is that oriental woman

coming again? Tell her not to come. How else are you going to describe the kind of woman he's coming? Yeah, I was like, what are we talking about? I feel like if he's only like racist against Asians, it's a plus. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. You know, the Jamaicans one, he doesn't say shit. He just hates her. Oh, OK. You can say like a slur or anything.

I don't think Oriental. We just said it. Oriental is actually safer because otherwise you say Chinese and they're Korean. Oriental, you can have. We say just Asian. You could just say, yeah, but that's not, that's not. I think Ron brings up a good point. No, but then Asian now Asians. I think Ron actually settled it for it.

No, but now people in like India call themselves Asian. So now that's not right. But then you need Oriental to differentiate between the. Jake, the thing they say. I'm defending my grandfather. And I'm saying, listen to mine my day my father had a problem with Hungarians that's how far back he goes oh my god he goes like this your shoes looks like a fucking Hungarian would I don't even know any hungarian right here These are from the Netherlands That's not how they talk Danish her simp are some turcin are see

nursing hot and who been Talking around Wow, those are really something right? Yeah, they're for elf They're from there for elves that teach ceramics dance co. But did you just do a deaf leopard reference? Is that where you were with it? Like that deaf leper song did even globbing, globing, globing. Oh, no, I was doing the one from the offspring. Oh, that's offspring. Well, they picked it up and they got it from Def Leppard.

Yeah. Really? I guess they were copycats. Yeah. Well, you know, hip hop, you just borrow stuff wherever you go. Borrow stuff. What was the he was that pretty fly for a white guy? Which really is kind of a racist song, isn't it? Bringing up the fact that you're a white guy. But I mean pretty fly. He's saying black people are fly, but he's pretty fly for a white guy. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's giving black people. Yeah. Towards white people. Right. But also apparently culture, vulture. You know what I mean? Like he said, yeah, I just got into an argument with a guy online about good racism. Good. Good. And he said,

you can't be racist to white people as stated by the dictionary. It was like discounting someone's opinion or saying that they can't have an opinion or their opinion isn't welcome based on the color of their skin is inherently racist, no matter what race you're throwing around. He's like, it's not racist. I go, okay, can we agree it's prejudice or bigotty? He goes, yeah, and I go, so that doesn't make it okay.

And he goes, well, I guess you're right, but still, white people shouldn't have an opinion on, I'm like, all right, well you're fucking wrong but still white people shouldn't have an opinion on it. All right. So you're you're using the reverse racism, which racism is not a thing. It's just racism. Well, reverse racism is when you say nice things about other like you, Puerto Rican sure can dance.

You know what I mean? Yeah, you know, and it's like you could say that I like that. Yeah, I like that. That's my type of races. Yeah. That's a good type of rate. Yeah, it's a good like I love the asses that you could say that. I like that. Yeah, I like that. That's my type of races. Yeah. That's a good type of race. Yeah, it's a good like I love the asses that you Dominicans have. Yeah. I mean, that's reverse. You got your whistle.

Brazilian butt lips are inspirational. Amazing. I love how black people are so loud. Yeah. Is that good? That's there. I love how black people steal my stuff. Well, no, no, no, no, no. I like how black people unburden me of things I'm too attached to. Ah, yes.

I like how black people make Washington Square Park lively and gives jobs to the people to clean it up afterwards. I like how black people make the world into a real life fear factor. Jordan, I'm sorry. Sorry, your turn, Ron. That's a different race. Oh, no, Deborah's sitting there with her head in her hands. Yeah, she's saying I need this deleted.

I need the entire episode. Come on. Delete it. Can I tell you, I've been getting recognized by so many black and Spanish people for digging the podcast. Thank you. They're blards. Huh? They're blards though. They're black nerds.

You think they're just black nerds? She discounts everything. No, I love our black fans because they're hardcore listening blacks, which are my favorite type of blacks. Yeah. But they're cool. But they're cool. But they're cool. They listen to hardcore. They're nerds.

She hates everyone that likes anything. You like something? Deborah, we're joking. Are you worried about him? He's uncancelable. He's a king. He's a legend. You can't get this guy in trouble.

Same. I can't be canceled. That's because I have nothing. No. You have a plan. You have your tiny little mouse bug. He's uncancellable. He's a king. He's a legend. You can't get this guy in trouble. Same. I can't be canceled. That's because I have nothing. No. You have your tiny little mouse body. You're the next big thing. You know it. I know it. I could feel it. There's a buzz in the business. I'm talking about the business. It's literally the industry that I'm referring to. Yeah. Yeah. The industry. Yeah. Not just any business. Yeah. Not the paper business. Textile industry.

The business. They're closing down the mills. They're closing down because Big Jake's coming to town. Yeah. They can't handle me. That's right. Too much. Simply too much. I like how Indians add new smells. OK. All right. All right. All right. All right. Yeah. Yeah. It was something like the way they dance in Bollywood movies. I like that. I like it. I do like that. I do like that. Everything we said we liked, we like. We do like. Except the trash.

They hold microphones like this. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's an auto. Mike Lawrence does that. You hold a microphone like Indians do. It's like they're about to whistle a snake out of a drug. OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's like they're about to wipe their ass with their bare hands. Anything Tom Cruise, his lawyers do deal is going to be welcomed by me. I will. I will. I'm'm gonna tell his lawyers to call me in

I'm JBS just being silly. Oh All right, Jake, what do you want people to get their eyes on? I'm headlining, right? Houston, July 31st. Please come with those eyes. How do I hold my eyes? Go, hey, I'm headlining. I like you do this. You do the look for me. You went you went through the cruise for me, the cruising look.

All right. You guys see that? I'm headlining, right? Houston, July 31st. Please come. Yeah, go. Are we good? He doesn't have race. He's not racist on the stage. I'm not racist on stage or off podcast either. I'm on your friends and giant size Jordan Jensen. Netflix special coming out September 9th. And we're going to be in Dallas.

Jake won't be there. Punch up dot live slash Jordan Johnson for all her dudes. Austin, Texas, down on look, I'm doing a an interview with the whole cast of Dexter. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's the fifth and it's the middle of the day. It's free. So check out just do like right to us a Twitter if you want to get tickets to come to it. But it's the whole cast.

And I'm going to do a thing to surprise him. I'm pulling out a knife. The beginning of the show is going to be a gang. That's good. Use this. Yeah. Oh, God, that'd be my gift to you. I love it. Say you're going to comb your beard and then a cank. Next year. That's good.

That'd be good to my microphone. Yeah. Oh, it's July 8th, by the way. July 8th. OK, not the fifth. But right to us at whatever the Bennington Bennington SXM on X. That's it. That's it. Like Twitter. Yeah, like Twitter. Yeah. Bennington, SXM, right. SiriusXM, Twitter, right. Patreon.com slash B&E and pod.

Subscribe. Five bucks a month gets you everything. E and finance dot com for all my dates. I'm going everywhere. I will be in Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas, Indianapolis, Chicago, Buffalo. I got every dig is coming up. finance.com for tickets and we'll see you next week. Love you. Bye bye. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.