Bein' Ian With Jordan - Landmark Forum W/ Tom Segura | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep152

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

As always , Thanks for Listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code IAN at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/IAN Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Tom Segura Here : https://www.instagram.com/seguratom/ https://linktr.ee/tomsegura Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance  Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

Hey everybody, see me this week in Tacoma, Washington, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, June 29th, Spokane, Washington. And then I'm in Oklahoma City at Bricktown Comedy Club, July 10th through the 12th, and then Addison Dallas, Texas, July 18th to 20th. I'm in Indianapolis, Chicago, East Providence, New Brunswick. I'm going all over ianfightance.com for tickets, punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for her tickets and see you on the road and enjoy the episode. Bye bye.

Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live

alive. Being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Welcome back to another episode of Being Ian with Jordan. Hi, everybody. Jordan is late, but that's okay because we have a fantastic, wonderful, amazing guest today. The great Tom Segura. Thank you for having me, man. Thank you for coming. Yes. I was looking forward to seeing the both of you, but this is better. I think this is better as well. The fuck man. Yeah. It's so disrespectful. Your words, our thoughts. She missed out on a good meal. Good hang. Good hang. Having her picture taken. Having her picture taken in the street. Um,

we almost dropped plates on the ground. That was gonna, that was very close to happening. Every time you've come here, I've given you a tour of the neighborhood in terms of wonderful sandwiches. Yeah. Now, the last time we went to Winston Bakery and we had a great chicken sandwich. Incredible. This time we went to Baby Blue's Luncheonette. Yes. And you got a bacon, egg and cheese.

It was. Substantial, substantial to the point where I'm saying just they're not Cheapen out you're getting some bang for your buck on the size. Yeah, I cut it in half. Mm-hmm and By the time I was most the way through the first half I was like there's no way I'm fit Like I had to take bread off. Yeah, and I don't mean that as an insult to the sandwich I'm saying that you should go hungry. Yeah this. It's really substantial. But I had a nice little salad with it, little mixed greens, which kind of makes you go, oh, it's going to help push this through. I noticed you didn't eat the pickle. I had a couple of bites of the pickle. I saved it.

Would you like some? Yes. I kind of regret it. Yeah, I think it's a good, here's the thing. I get kind of weird about hot weather eating outside and then what I feel like eat. All of a sudden it shifts, right? Like I want that pickle to be like colder. Right, right, right, right. That's why I got the watermelon salad.

That was the good move. I got watermelon, right, right, right. I'm like, that's why I got the watermelon salad. That was, that was the good move. I think I got watermelon, cucumber, calamari salad. Amazing little lemon, little whipped feta. Yeah. I feel like I had a winter time meal. You did. And I should have had the summer. There were very much other summer options.

Ooh, a mixed berry with whipped cream would have been nice. OK, let's not fucking make me really think about it. OK. Pancakes. I don't like pancakes. Can I tell you something? So that place is amazing. It's there. The best over there. And they always hook it up and they're always great. I put out a special this year and I they let me have the restaurant at night. It closes

at 3 30 in the afternoon. They opened it up at night for me with friends and the crew and everything to have like a watch party. And every time for a while I would go in there and I would only get the salad I got plus a side of bacon and a soft boiled egg. Yeah. And they were like, well, the weekend of your special, why don't we make the five dance and we'll put it on the menu and people can order it. And then my one friend was like, Oh,

and have it come with a cup of black coffee and a cigarette. So for the weekend, they ran the five dance special. That's very cool. Right? That's very cool. By the end of the weekend, no one ordered it. People complain and one person took a cigarette. People are like, what is it? This is the grossest combination of food.

But first of all, it just is like the fun. I feel like that's the fun of independent small businesses of independent small businesses that like they even would entertain the idea. You can't find that in like a big, you know what I mean? Like a big place. It's like neighborhood spots are the ones that do that. Good luck having that happening in our chilis. Yeah, it's not happening in chilis. Not happening in Applebee's even though it's in good neighborhoods. It's also not happening even other, like less fun neighborhoods.

No. Because you have to be fun. Yeah. To do that. Dude, they're the best. And also my mom hadn't come to New York in forever. And so she came up for the release party and I got shirts made with her picture on it that said, hail Gail and Gail rules.

And I gave it to the staff. So everyone that worked at the restaurant was wearing shirts with my mom's face on it. When she walked in, she was like, oh my God. Yeah, it was amazing. It was always fun to have fun with mom, dude. Oh, dude, she's the best and the worst. I also felt, I felt like I was walking in there with the fucking mayor of Brooklyn, by the way.

Because the guy was like, what do you wanna fucking, yeah, skip the line. You wanna skip the line, what do you wanna do? Come in the back, you wanna cook it? Yeah, all right, this is cool. Yeah, yeah, line. Come in the back. You want to cook it? Yeah, all right. This is cool. Yeah, that spot's great. You got a little taste of the neighborhood.

Would you ever live in this area? No. Okay. Here's the thing. We're walking around taking pictures. It's nice. Kevin, I'll fuck out of here. It's not bad.

It's that this thing happens as you age. Yeah. We're like, I used to live in Silver Lake in the East side of LA. Williamsburg of LA. Yeah, it's like Williamsburg of LA, I would say. And it was great. And then there's like this, I feel like this thing where you go, oh, it's, it's time to like, like for me, that neighborhood is a neighborhood like in your 20s and

into your thirties. And then like once you, for me, I'm not saying this applies to everybody else. Then you go like, oh, I should move. Yeah. So like, I'm no longer the Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Oh, hi. Oh, hello. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're good. Yeah, we're okay. We're good. No, we're no, we're fine. We're fine. I can't. I just. Oh, how are you? Hello. Hello.

You're dressed like Quail Man. I know. Stressful. SpongeBob. Hold on. You like men. You said that, right? Shut up. Tom, look at my outfit. This is Quailman. You look like somebody made you in Tony Hawk, Pro Skater.

Yes. Yes, dude. You're creating a character in the new Tony Hawk. Hair looks great. Hair looks great. I just got a dyed more bond. Did you? If I can get my hair to look like a princess,

then I'm allowed to dress like a boy. And you did makeup. I put mascara on. No, but it looks good. Does it look good? Yeah, it looks great. Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

I bought what this makeup artist on the movie I did told me to get. Look at you. I'm a movie. I do movies. I do movies. I do movies. I show up late. Did you talk about his TV show?

Did you talk about how he shit his pants on tour? That's what we have to talk about. Oh my God. Do you feel like that's a big part of my act now? Yeah. You shit your pants on tour. That's what we have to talk about. Oh, my God. It's like that's a big part of my act now. Yeah. That's on tour. Yeah. With with this one. You helped him shoot his fans. Wait, does my makeup look normal?

Yeah, you look great. Are you sure? He made me insecure because he says different. He's just razzin you. OK, great. Give me a razz. Well, I just had to check. All right, coil man. Ethan, I trust you. OK, great.

Looks good. Thank you so much. Thanks for saying that into the mic. Well, I just had to check. It's all right, Quail, man. Ethan, I trust you. Okay, great. Looks good. Thank you so much. Thanks for saying that into the mic. Movies. Because I remember we were going to do a date. You were going to do a date with me. Yes.

I don't mean dinner. I meant like a show. I was like, were we? I never would have missed that. I asked you out. Did I just watch that clip of Christina farting a lot? Yeah. It's just really nice to see.

Yeah. As a woman. What a woman fart. It's just nice because sometimes I'm like, I really get down on myself for farts. And burps and everything. Yeah. And it's just, cause I think she's so beautiful and regal.

Yeah. Yeah. I follow a whole Instagram account of women farting. Oh, those are the things. Yeah, but that's porn fart. That's not real. You ever see those? I know exactly the two. Oh dude. It's wild. You're sick people. It's porn fart. You ever see that? I know exactly the...

You're sick people. It's like, Nancy's had a rough day. And then there's this whole thing until you start to develop an eye for like, is this a real fart? Because you can start... You can start reading, like, is the core engaging?

Oh yeah. Is there like a grimace?ace there a movement between the cheeks sometimes you see like nothing going on You're like they just dropped a sound effect on this. I don't believe this Not on the account I watch here. I'll show you I have it where I'll be like about to say something like I'll be like Uh, and Jake who is on the road with me every weekend is like you farting and I'm like no, dude I just hiccuped he's like you're gonna fart. What I do is I lock him in the elevator with farts. is like, you farting? And I'm like, no, dude, I just hiccup. And he's like, you're going to fart. What I do is I lock him in the elevator with farts. Oh, that's my.

That's. Yeah, I love a little court over the shoulder low. Yeah, was that me? Yeah, I love when guys do a kick fart. Kick farts, kick farts might be. When I'm in bed in the morning and I start and I do the leg pump I go like this. Oh yeah. To like wind it up. That's good. She'll get real upset. Yeah. Yeah. She's like

please no. Do you get gassy on flights? Oh yeah. Everybody does that's a biological. I no no no even before the plane takes off. Oh. When I sit. Do you get aroused on a flight? No. That's a thing too. What? Yeah. I do that in car drives, but that's from the rumbling. I looked at it because I was like, what is happening with me? I'm always like rock hard on a flight. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just like, I want to come.

I want to come. Yeah. So. Interesting. Yes. So I was like, I wonder if this is a thing. And then I looked it up and there was entire, like, psychologists written articles about how what's happening on on a certain level is that when you're flying you do release all control, right? Because you're like it everything's out of my control if you're a passenger on a plane. So your your mind is basically like there's no inhibition. So like parts of it, like it can react in like an aroused way.

I got mine reacts in like a, I'm gonna do something bad, like bite somebody or I'm gonna. You always think that. No, but planes is where it really gets like, I'll get panic attacks. I remember one time I woke up from, I fell asleep and I woke up and I was definitely like, no, full man.

Oh, I've woken up hard before. And it was a male flight attendant. He goes, good nap. No way. I was like, I felt like violent. That's yeah, I was I felt I was that's worse. It was like, yeah, well, my seat. I don't know about that.

So me. Yeah. Good nap is that's bullying. Yeah, it was. That's bullying. Good now. I don't like that. He was hitting on you. I wanted to like, I wanted to be like, I was hard. He said, I know. Yeah. There's nobody who can tell. That's how I always feel about flight attendants.

I'm like, I can't tell on anybody. You can't tell on anybody. I know. Sometimes I'll tell on them with other flight attendants. You ever do that where I'm like, this guy's crazy, huh? And then they'll be like, yeah, that's nice. Sometimes you don't even have to say it. You can just be like,

about the flight attendants I have such little interactions with them. I get people on planes. I had one to ride me clearly I was with the JB squad of flight attendants and this woman came just like aggressive and it's one of those times where you go black yeah Where you go maybe she knows me and and because you know how you go like like the real world's not like online yeah yeah so like the real world you know you see people look at you people talk to you then you're like some people have to see you who like I fucking hate I hate you or I hate your

or I hate something you've done yeah yeah and have to see you who like, I fucking hate you, or I hate your stuff. Or I hate something you've done. Or said. Yeah, yeah. And like the way she came at me, I'm like, how could you be this upset with me? Like I, we just took off. Like nothing's happened.

No, it's white hate. She was like, what do you want to eat? And I was like, I'm gonna take a nap. Which I've done on many like early flights and be like, I'd like to eat like after. Yeah and every flight attendants always like yeah, sure Yeah, like just let us know when you know, I'll save whatever this for you, right? Like very you know, thanks a lot Go to see I paid two thousand dollars for this flight. And I was like, I was gonna Sleep first and she goes you eat now

And I go well she goes there's no later she's like you eat now. And I go, well, she goes, there's no later. She's like, you eat now or that's it. And I was about to be like, hey, you know, all that explanation of like, let's get the fuck out. And I just go, you know, I go, I'm just gonna sleep. Like I don't, the idea of engaging you on this is so exhausting that I was like, oh, I'm just gonna sleep. She was like, you know, I was like, wow. And the idea of having you put food down

after we've had this argument and me just knowing that you've spittin' it or done something, I can't be like, yummy, yummy. Like some shit server is an asshole, you're not gonna be like, could you take this back? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Good, thank you. I get in fights all the time, but then, you know, like one time I had like a full, this was recent, we had like a full beef, me and this guy. I forget what it was about. It was just like, he was being like a full, this was recent. We had like a full beef, me and this guy. I forget what it was about. It was just like, he was being shitty and I was not taking it.

Like I was being like, okay, well, you need to chill out a little bit. And then at one point I was like, do you guys have any of those like gummy bears, the vegan gummy bears? And he came back with like nine of them and was like, these are for you. And I could tell that it was like this peace offering

of just like, you're in on these gummy bears. I love these gummy bears. Let's make peace. And I was like, this is, we have come to an agreement. Why are those gummy bears so good? And why can I not find them anywhere on earth, but an airplane? Was it a store?

No, it's the Delta gummy bears. Oh, the Delta gummy bear. You don't get those gummy bears, Vigo bears? Come on. Yeah, they're vegan gummy bears. You grab two every time. Really? You grab two every time. They're incredible. Oh, they're so good. Oh wow, I feel like I'm really missing out on some. Dude, they don't sell those gummy bears? Vigo bears? Come on. Yeah, they're vegan gummy bears. They're two every time. They're incredible.

Oh, they're so good. Oh, wow. I feel like I'm really missing out on them. Dude, they don't sell them in stores. You can't find them anywhere. Amazon. Really? Yeah, but I won't allow it. You can't order it. It's a special treat for Delta. But if you ask for them, they'll bring you a lot of them.

Oh, no. But yeah, I get in beef. One time I was in... Because I buy first now because I have an apartment that's $2,300. And I'm like, I'm fine first. If I'm living in a shoe box, that's what I'm always I buy first now because I have an apartment that's to $2,300. And I'm like, I'm fine first. If I'm living in a shoe box, that's what I'm doing. But I should I don't look like I'm in first. So people are always like pretty pissed that I'm there because they think I got a magical upgrade from my grandfather or something.

Dude, and one time I was sat next to a yes. Yeah. And I'm dressed like this. Yeah. And yeah, totally. And then one time I was sat next to, I don't know who the actor was, I'll never figure it out, but he was a very famous man. And I come out of the bathroom and a coyote was a puppy and she had gotten out of the bag and he was just holding her up by the scruff like this. Because while I was in the bathroom, she had climbed up and curled up on his lap and he was just such a first classer that he was like this, holding her up to me. No, no, no. And I was like, and she was like,

and I was like, I shouldn't be here. That shit happens a lot in first class for me. I've had that where, you know, you're in the boarding line and people go, like they looked at me and been like, this is first. Yes. And you're like, yeah. Or even like the gate agents, like, we're doing first right now. Oh, I hate that. And you're like, yeah. Or even like the gate agents,

like we're doing first right now. And you're like, it's what it says. And they're like, oh, you got won the lottery today? And you're like, no. I bought this. Dude, when I shuffle up looking like this with my dog and I'm like getting on the pre-boarding thing or the diamond thing, and they're just like, no.

Some of the times I'll literally be like wrong line. And I'm like, I swear to God, I swear to God. I have my eyeball in now. Although I have to say, I internally judged the dude so hard on my flight out here who was in first who had on like he had on What I would call just like very weathered boots like you're like these these look like they're like Captain Jack Sparrow or like construction like kind of like rocker types but like real dirty and like dirty pants and then he had on what could only be described as like the shoulder holster for guns but it was it had like stuff in it instead of guns like his wallet and like you know I mean

I've seen those I was gonna get one they marketed me on Instagram. I was just looking at this guy and I was like, huh? Like this is a pretty unique look. Yeah. And he kind of was he kind of was like shuffling. I was like, it does feel like you just stumbled into this area. And then I and then when we got we were getting our bags to leave, he was like, what's up, man? Oh, hey, what's up, dude?

Like, I think you got away with one here. Like, I don't think, I don't even know if you have a ticket. Like, it just felt like- I wanna know what that is. I wanna know how you got on there. But it could be a Captain Jack Sparrow type celebrity. Like, it could be like a Russell Brand ass, you know? Dude, I got into a fight with a guy in the line,

and he was like, just cause you're in first class doesn't mean you get to jump the line. And I was like, it kinda does. Because I remember asking you about this. I was like, just because you're in first class doesn't mean you get to jump the line. And I was like, it kind of does. Yeah. Because I remember asking you about this. I was like, do you jump the line? You jump the line. If you're sky priority, you're allowed to jump the line. And they usually have it like where you can. They'll have two lines so that like even if like if somebody who's late, whose priority can go to that. Yes.

Separate line. That's what happened. He was screaming after me. I mean, just be you're just doesn't know. But then they go That's what happened. He was screaming after me, me like, just be your. Just doesn't know. But then they go, they come up to me and I'm in first and they go, um, we have. And you don't belong here. They go, we're going to upgrade this seat next to you. And it was him.

Oh. And I was like, and he was like, well, looky here. And I, and I just immediately go, hey, man, I'm really sorry. And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah, sorry. I jumped the line before it. Cause I was just like, I'm not gonna. I don't want to fight for four hours.

I don't want to have bad vibes for four hours. I'd buy bad vibes with the guy for longer than four hours because I asked him to close his window. What's your opinion on, oh, I directed a fart at him and then put the wind towards him. What's your opinion on people shutting windows? His farts are weird. My airplane parts, I look, they're really, you can't control them. His farts are weird. My airplane farts. I, look.

You said you can't control them. One time Ethan got off the plane. He gets hard ons on planes. We can't control our bodies. No, but your farts are like, you have to take care of whatever's going on in your room. I have been. Look at my fridge. I've been cooking. I've been meal prepping. That's good. It's wet.

I've been probiotic. You can see the stink lines. I have a real problem with warning windows up, open people. Dude. I think it's like, it's so dis- You can't ask. If you don't buy a window, you can't, it's not your window. You're correct. But you can ask.

You cannot ask. You can go, excuse me, do you mind shutting your window? And then three rows back, excuse me, do you mind shutting your window? The worst, I think what's like, cause sometimes when you're like, all right, this is 6 a.m. flight. That means we all got up at 3 30. Yeah. Like, come on, dude.

Yeah. And then they're like, it's always an old lady who's like, I love New York. And she stares out. Yeah. Maybe I can see my dead husband in the sky. I also feel like though that it's worse. Like if you do that, you go, okay, you're mesmerized by the fucking innovation of flight. Let's go ahead and stare, it's fine.

But then when you're like two hours in and people are watching movies, you're like, all right, come on, dude. You see that there's one shining light coming in. Everyone's like trying to watch. You can't, because the light is blinding the screen. Well, what about this? I had a little, she was like a little Asian lady overzealous.

And she goes, I'm sitting here. This is window. And she goes, excuse me, and grabs my window and opens it. And I was like, oh, I went out loud. Oh, and she was like, why? And I was like, nothing. But it was it blew my mind over my body. That is crazy. That's a great full foreign.

That's full like we're on a roller coaster ride. You know what I mean? They don't know. Yeah, it's a hundred percent foreign, just like, weee! She's like, also like back home, I can do that. And everyone's like, yeah, she's older. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She gets to do that. It was crazy.

Have you ever heard a conversation start on a plane where you go, boy, I know that person wishes they hadn't done that. Like somebody sits down and they're like, where are you off to, man? And the guy's like, well my granddaughter lives in, and then it's like the whole point. I did that thing where the guy was like,

asking me a question, and I was legit probably on three hours sleep. So I was just like, oh, you know, blah, blah, blah. I was in Phoenix and now I'm going back. And he's like, cool, cool. I go like, what about you? And he starts this whole life story. And I'm sitting there and I was like, yeah, yeah,

I'm listening, listening. Then I realized that I couldn't listen. And as he's talking, I put my headphones on. Like not in a fuck you way, it was my mind was just drifting. So I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just put them on and I was just like and then I when I wake up I was like oh that guy was just talking to me I just was like I don't

want to hear this anymore wow but like not even wake up and there's a dick drawn on your face wow consciously doing it the most terrified I ever have been on a flight was because I so peers take aisles sleepers take windows right yes he a lot oh I thought you meant peers like your peers take no no you want to pee a lot if you know you're gonna pee a lot there's coffee you get pee anxiety yes you take the aisle yeah yes I always book aisles your aisle guy I'm a transition in the aisle guy'm an aisle guy because I get up and pee. I know I'm going to have a bunch of coffee, water, and if I want to get up six times to pee,

I don't want it to be a thing. So like, it's just like, it's my, so by the way, I went through the process of booking the seat, right? Right. So whenever, like multiple times, when people come up to me and they're like, we switch seats, I goes in the aisle. If they go, no, I go, no. And then sometimes it's like, well, here's the thing. I go, it's no. Yeah. I'm not doing it. Yeah. And then sometimes they're like, wow, like I've had a couple. They were like, hey, we're flying separate for a few hours. It'll be good for you. I go, no. And like really? I go no I booked this seat for a reason. Yeah. I don't want. Well they don't even know you could have like a

prostate. You totally could. So I would immediately go no sorry I have a problem my bladder. I would immediately let them know. Yeah. I had one time where this the one time this gay couple they were like hi do you mind? And I just go, no. And the guy, he goes, he's an asshole, right? Like just said it. And I just didn't even care. But the craziest one was, I remember I'm at the gate and you know, you just clock people. And I clocked this dude who's a massive guy,

like legit 6'6", probably 300 pounds, and jacked. Like he's a big fuck, right? Poor guy. And he's wearing tank top shorts, flip flops, and he's like a... On a flight? He's a meaty fucking dude, right? Like he looks like a killer. And you just clock him, you're like, look at this fucking guy.

Yeah. Like he looks like a killer. And I just, you just clock him. You're like, look at this fucking guy. Yeah. Where's the flight? And he goes, hey man. And I go, yeah. He goes, mind moving seats, you know, cause I'm, I'm big.

Like I need the, and I go. I'm a large man. I go, where's the seat? And he points to the window and I go, oh no, I'm not doing that. Like at the Sydney. I'll and he goes, I'm not doing that. Like I have to sit in the aisle. And he goes, thanks for your help. Thanks for your help, man. And I go.

How tall is he? 6'6". Like he's a big guy. And I go, no. Like I booked this seat, no. Wow. And I was like, he was like, he goes, thanks for your help. Thanks for your help, right?

Like appreciate it. And I go, okay. So then he goes to another guy. He goes, hey man, and that guy goes, yeah. He goes, yeah, I'll switch with you. Well, the seat that he gave him is the seat directly behind me. That aisle seat, right?

So now I'm sitting there and I'm like, and the seat that he gave up is the seat next to me. So you're free. So the kid that he gave up the seat comes and sits next to me. Oh, okay. And the 6'6 guy is now directly behind me. Well, I start to get just like kind of like, fuck. Like you don't want the person like upset at you.

No. Behind you. So he starts to go, he reaches in between our seat and he grabs this guy. He goes, you're a cool guy. You're a good guy. That's really, you know what I mean? Like you're cool. See, that is some shit I would do though.

I go, I look, I go, you are cool. Oh, that's good. That's good. And I'm like, but then I start to like, I just feel uncomfortable. Yeah. You have to get this way. Yeah. So then I'm like, fuck, man.

And he's like double Jack and Coke to the flight attendant. And then you go, it's on me. He's yeah, dude, like within like she drops it off, walks away, comes back. He's like double Jack and Coke because I just gave you one. He goes, I'm two ninety five. Like these don't really do anything to me. She's like double jacked coach because I just gave you one. He goes, I'm 295. Like these don't really do anything to me. She's like, okay. So she just starts like feeding them, right?

Like just, and this dude starts talking louder and louder like to the entire first class area. And I'm like, I'm feeling anxiety. Cause I'm like, you're the enemy. I feel like he's mad at me. Yeah. He's drinking because of you. He's drinking heavily.

And we're on we're on our way to Vegas. And so he's like, Vegas going to be the shit, right? And he's like, like talking to people across. He's like, what are you going to hit the fucking tables, man? This guy needs to be taken out. Yeah. And I'm like, God damn, this guy is like, like every time he's talking, he's not talking about me, but you just start going like,

I feel like this is going to lead to him just punching me in the side of the head. Yeah, being like, Vegas is sick, this fucker. And he just keeps drinking. And then he's like, somebody's just like, you're a big guy. He's like, yeah, yeah, played for the Cowboys and the Niners. And then, so I'm like, oh, this is a football player, right? Why can't he buy a seat where he wants it? Who knows? And then he just keeps like going up and then he's like, yeah, yeah. When I was with the Niners, you know, I wanted to kill myself. And I'm like, so then you start going, this guy's unstable.

Yeah, I know. He's got a lot of CTE. Yes, CTE. And the whole time, like I'm my, so then you start going, this guy's unstable. Yeah, he's got a lot of CTE. Yes, CTE. And the whole time, like I'm my stomach is turning like everything is. Whatever it's about this and it's about that. It's about like his mental state, but the booze and he gets louder and talking. And I just keep thinking he's just going to grab my neck. Yeah. Yeah.

Kill me. Yeah. And I swear to God, like as we land, I got up, like, I got like that. Like I ran out the door. And I tried to figure out who he was. I was hitting up like my NFL friends and they were like, was it this guy? I go, no. And they're sending me pictures. And I'm like, this dude was like, I feel like he landed. And then if he didn't see me, he punched someone that looked at me. Like, it just, it was the most, like, ner- I mean, I flew that two and a half, three hour flight with just, like, my stomach. You didn't at any point want to turn around and be like, hey man, sorry, I have a bladder thing. Like, you didn't think to squash it? It never occurred to me. Really? Like, cause I thought he was too- he was already, like, too- he was already too much.

Like, I felt like if I had been like, hey, that he would have been too, he was already too much. Like I felt like if I'd been like, hey, that he would have been like, nah, fuck you, man. You know, you saw how tall I am. Yeah, if someone's bringing up wanting to kill themself out loud on a plane. Out loud.

Like it was, yeah. Yeah, I wanted to kill myself. And then actively killing themselves with alcohol in front of you. Wait, at the beginning though, I was telling you, we were gonna do a gig. And then you were like, I'm doing a movie, and I don't know anything else. The Bradley Cooper.

Yeah, but tell me about it. They just needed a lesbian looking person to be a comic. Yeah, and they got the best one. And they got the best one. Yeah. They, no, it was just like a Bradley Cooper movie, and I ended up being in it a bunch, which is sick. Yeah, congratulations. Thank you, and it being in it a bunch, which is sick. Yeah. And thank you.

And it was very improv-y, which was fun. Yeah. Here's the deal. Acting is so stop touching. I don't want acting is so. Oh, go get him. Go get him. Acting is so much easier than stand up. And it makes me angry at how much easier it is. Yeah, like even I mean, I get that I was like basically playing myself, but the fact that somebody's screaming

in your ear who to be is the most amazing thing in the world versus getting on stage and being like, here's who I am. Do you like it? Oh yeah. I'm like, this is, they're not allowed to even talk to us. They shouldn't even talk to us. I think acting like that is easier cause you're basically yourself,

but being like a totally different person I can only imagine must be so hard and having to remember an entire script. I feel like we have to do that every time we go on stage and we're in a bad mood and have to be in a good mood that's like a totally different person. I think the character stuff is easier. Yeah because you are just a different guy. Character stuff yeah but like but I think like being like Daniel Day-Lewis, I can imagine is so horrible. No, but I think like, doing like a really involved character, you know, where you're like transforming. I think that's easier than being like, hey, you're a woman that's about your age, but like you're not...

A little bit nicer. Yeah, you're like're a little bit nicer. Yeah, yeah. A nicer version of you. Yeah, I think that's harder to play than it is to be like, hey, you're a vampire. You know, yeah, I think that's I agree with you. I mean, at one point he was like, basically tell this person you want to have sex with them and had the camera this close to my face. And I was like, I want to have sex with you. You know, like I was like, I have to be a different person.

Who's the lead of this again? Wasn't it? Arnett? Well, Arnett. Yeah know, like, I was like, I have to be a different person to say that. Who's the lead of this again, wasn't it? Arnett, Will Arnett. Will Arnett, it's something like an idea he had, right? That's where it came from? And it's a British comic whose name I forget. It's a true story about his life. Okay.

That Arnett, like, maybe adopted. Yeah, totally. And then Bradley Cooper was like, I'll direct it. That's cool. Hey everybody, this summer do better than a farmer's tan get yourself a pair of chubby shorts and give those upper thighs some sun With a quick dry stretch fabric and building liner with actually that actually does its job. You'll be set all day No more chafing and no more mesh problems

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Yeah. When does it come- do you know when it comes out? Jizz? Ugh. I don't think it's Jizz, but it's something. I don't think it's Jizz. That means it could be Jizz. I don't think it's Jizz. It's's something. I don't think it's Jizz. That means it could be Jizz.

I don't think it's Jizz. It's not Jizz because Jizz is going in me or on me. Sorry. Well, I'm not fucking being like, that's where that goes. There's more of it over here. There is a lot of whatever this is. And I'm gonna be honest with you, I took a lot off. I think it, it looks like Jizz.

Can I tell you what I, this is pretty gross. Or your dog's pussy got wet and slid on. I think it's I was petting a very large bull mastiff. And I think it's dog slobbering. And I turned it off. Yeah, that happens. We fucked. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. But I didn't want to take my pants off because that's bestiality.

Do you want to do more movies, though? So bad. I loved it so much when it was over, I was so, so sad. Yeah, it's so fun, right? It's so fun. And that's what's pissing me off is that it's so much, I mean, comedy is so fun, but it is so hard. We have to write everything ourselves, talk about it, dig up every single dark corner.

And you're also alone. You're alone. And then the fun thing about movies, TV shows, is this huge collaborative experience. And that's the antithesis of what we do. Like, you know, you do stand up, you're like, it'd be cool if like, you were there to be like, you should try this. I'm like, oh, cool. But like, it's just not how it is.

But in a movie, it's like, we're just talking, what should we do? You want to hang this up here? And you know, you try lines. What if, what if you said it this way and it's like, oh, it's this big, it's creative, but it's so collaborative. It's so good. That's the most fun. And it was my first one.

And the fact that it was set at the cellar was so sick because it was kind of like, your home. Yes, I knew, but this is my house. Yeah. And your first movie is like a legit real movie. Like that's impressive. Yeah. Laura Dern is in it. Fantastic. She's amazing. And your first movie's like a legit real movie. Like that's impressive. Yeah, Laura Dern is in it.

Fantastic. She's amazing. She's the sweetest angel, it's crazy. I told him I met Kevin Costner this morning. This morning? Yeah. Where was he? In the elevator.

What, where? The hotel. Which is the address. He was like, is that Jizz on your leg? Handsome, fucking handsome. Really? Yeah. They're more handsome in person.

To this day, still super. To this day, handsome, tall, Full head of hair. Taller than I thought. Yeah, and like really charismatic and like really really. I know, when you see the actors, you're like, oh you're, that's why you're that. And this person told him, they're like,

you gotta see this bit of his about when he gives his mother gummies. And he was like, gummies, right? That's such a funny term. You don't think, and I was like, yeah. Look at him trying to be a standup. Yeah, he was like just riffing. That's great.

Was she going into the cabinets later, not knowing where she was? Not really, but she was all fucked up. She was a mess. And then he just would walk away and come back and it's later not knowing where she was. I go, not really, but she was all fucked up. Yeah, yeah, she was a mess. And then he just like would walk away and come back and get real close, like a close talker, you know? Well, that's the weird thing that I noticed

about the actors is it's almost like, I grew up with a thing called Landmark Forum. Yeah. You know what that is? Yeah, you did? What is that? Yeah, how do you know about that? You did Landmark Forum? I, all my mothers are seminar leaders. And I had to take the team.

What's Landmark Forum? Well, Christopher Titus. Yes, it's as close to Scientology as you can get without the aliens, kind of. You know Chris Titus, right? Chris Titus. Yeah, he's a comedian. He had a big TV show. Titus.

Titus, yeah. Wait, I have to see what he looks like. Look him up. Wait, what is Landmark Forum? He had a big TV show many years. Titus. Yeah. Like so you don't know. Wait I have to see what he looks like. Yeah look him up. Wait what is Landmark Forum? Well she could tell you better than me but he's a big well at least was a big advocate for them.

So like when I was a feature act you know working the clubs. Oh yeah that's a Landmark face. Yeah yeah and like I did like a weekend with him. He a landmark face. Yeah. Yeah. And, and like, I did like a weekend with him. He was super nice. Yeah. And he was like, we were just sitting there backstage, you know, what are you doing? You know, you're just like, I'm doing dates and trying to sell this CD and blah, blah, blah.

He was like, you should go landmark forum. And I was like, what? Yeah. He was like, I'll pay for it. And I was like, really? He was just like, yeah, you want to go? And I didn't know what he was, what it was. I was like, I'll pay for it. And I was like, really? He was just like, yeah, if you want to go. And I didn't know what it was. I was like, what is it?

And it's kind of like this vague explanation. I was like, what? So vague. And I told other people. What is it? He still doesn't know. We're not allowed to tell. Yes you are.

Okay, the landmark. Chris Mark Titus told him. Let me see if I can do it. Coyote, this is insane the way you're laying. The Landmark Forum is an educational forum where you go and you learn to take responsibility for your own life. You learn that all of your beef with other people

is something that you're getting benefit from and you learn how to let that go and take ownership over yourself. There you go. Yeah, that was pretty good. So kind of culty, right? Very culty. You know, you go to this place, you ask somebody like, what is that? They give you kind of culty, right? Very culty. You know, you go to this place, it's, you ask somebody like, what is that?

They give you kind of a, like they usually don't even give you that level of explanation. They're like, you should just go and like check it out. And you're like, for what? Because you'll feel better and you'll learn stuff. And you're like, I still don't know what this is. Yeah. Like that kind of thing. I didn't go, but he was like, I'll pay for you to go.

Like really? Yeah. So it was my entire childhood vocabulary would be like, I'd come home just so fucking baked. And my mom would be like, you need to take responsibility for what you've done. And I'd be like, I smoked so much pot. I smoked so much pot. And she'd be like, what are you getting out of this? What is the racket you're running? Racket is a vocabulary term. What is racket? Racket is like, like if I was like, dude, I really just feel like Ethan is being mean to me lately. I'm or he's I'm mad at him. My mom would be like, what racket?

What what's the racket you have against Ethan that is allowing you to get benefit or something like that? There's all this shit. And I used to just be screaming as a teenager being like, stop land marking me. And then one day I came downstairs and my mom had this giant blackboard and was teaching like a room full of like 15 people. And I was like, mom, what are you doing? She was like, get out of here.

And I was like, what are you doing? And she was stealing, she was teaching it to people who didn't want to buy the forum. Like under and was being like, and then she created a racket. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was normally 300. I'll give it to you. Yes. Yes. And I was like, are you allowed to do this? And she was like, go to your room. So what is racket? A racket is a beef racket basically means beef.

Like I have a racket against my father because he didn't love me properly. And it's like, well, you're getting benefit from that. So, which it does help me all the time. Like when I'm annoyed at somebody, I'm like, why am I? What? How is this? It helps you reframe the thought. Yeah, it is good. Just once you get too deep in the sauce, it becomes.

And that's how Hollywood is. They all feel like that. How's your mom, first of all, how's she doing? She's doing great, dude. She just built the whole this giant sustainable development in Ithaca. Wow. And I came home recently and she like pulls up on a giant Kubota with her like bandana on and she's like, I did this. And it's like a huge community garden she built.

It's so sick. Yeah. Does she still practice that stuff or no? My other two moms do. Mom kind of like graduated and became. And now she's like a cold leader. Is there like a Chester? leader. I was just in Rochester. Yeah. I didn't really, like, because you know,

you're not familiar with places. Like it's so crazy that I took a walk and I called an Uber later. Yeah. And the Uber lady was just like this nice kind of middle-aged lady and she was like, what are you doing here? And I go, what?

She goes, why are you walking in this neighborhood? And I go, I just went for a walk. Yeah. And she goes, you can't walk here. I go, why? She's like, this is a really dangerous neighborhood. I was like, oh really? And she was like, yeah. She goes, I was like, wondering who I'm gonna pick up here. She goes, this is really bad. You should get out of here. Rochester's fucked. I go, oh, I didn't know. And then she took me, she turned my ride off. And she goes, she drove me to like this really nice area. She goes, this is where you should walk around. That's nice.

That's a good lady. I go, oh yeah, thanks. She goes, yeah, my son is a police officer here and he's always worried about me driving. I go, I think you should leave Rochester. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, yeah, I want to. But Ithaca's not Rochester. Right, no, I know. I just meant like, it's, you know, upstate. It's crazy how different upstate New York is from Ithaca. It's like a weird Narnia.

But upstate New York is so, it's so brutal. Albany is brutal. Yeah, and then like the night before, the night of our gig there, they were like, oh yeah, there was like three shootings on that street you were on. I was like, cool. That's where the Kia boys started in Rochester. Really? You know the Kia boys? It's this gang that learned how to steal Kia's using a USB drive.

Really? Yeah. So USB key chains, you know, you take them and then you could open right by the steering wheel and stick it in and turn the car on. So there's a gang of teens stealing key is called the Kia boys if and it took off and you got me at the right time. Oh, yeah. 15 and you've been like, hey, you want to like do learn how to steal a car? I'd be like I think about that. I stole my mom's car at 12. Really? Yeah, just like found the key and was like, okay,

drove it all the way to my friend's house on the other side of town. That's bold. I saw a video of a car ramming forward in a parking lot and then it backs up and goes through the front of a gas station, like a convenience store, and everyone's like, oh my God. And then Alphab's like a nine year old girl.

She turns around, she's going, whoa! Yeah, I've seen that video. That video's awesome. Did you get in a lot of trouble for that? Not at all, I never got in trouble. My mom was like, good job, you guys can drive. I never got in trouble, there was no trouble. I could do literally whatever I wanted.

It was crazy, I mean, we would just get so fucked up at my house and all my friends would come over and just get wasted. And my mom would just be like, yeah, let me have a drink. Okay. See you guys her whole thing was like get Do everything bad near me. Yeah, if you hide anything, that's what's scary You know what I mean? Like if you're I mean the amount of times I was like mom You have to pick me up and like damn B Which is like 20 minutes outside of Ithaca in the woods and I'm like, I'm too high

Please come get me. Yeah. She'd be like, you fucking idiot. But yeah, every time she would come and get me, it was you fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. You just walk into a party and people be like, Jordan, your mom is here. She'd have her like her next day. You're like, get in the truck. It was the best. It was the best.

We went to Turning Stone, which fucked me up. Yeah. Because Turning Stone is like where all of the Ithacans go to like have their wild night out. Yeah. And that's like where my sister's ex-husband found all of his whores. You got a big pop there. Yeah.

Remember that? Oh yeah, cause I said. You got a really big pop. Yeah. No, even going on stage, you got a big pop. Oh yeah, cause it's, I'm a local. Yeah. It was so, that was-

How far is Turning Stone from Ithaca? Not far, I feel like people drive half an hour there. Yeah. And then just like get a hotel. But that's where my sister's ex-husband found all of his prostitutes. Sister's ex-husband. They broke up because he was fucking these giant prostitutes. A lot of people at Turning Stone.

Every weekend. You would hang out at Turning Stone? Yes. Nice. Yeah, and it was so weird being like, now I'm performing here. It was a very, that place, stinkiest place you must have ever been in your life.

Remember the basement? That was bodies, that had to be bodies. It was poop bodies. It was like they fed everybody poop and then killed them. To be fair, so they know. They know. Nothing in the front of house, no problem. Casino floor, no problem.

All, like sometimes when you do, Nothing in the front of house. Front of house, no problem. Casino floor, no problem. All, like sometimes when you do, you know, when you work venues, casinos, you walk like in the hallway of like the trash bins and you're like, Jesus Christ. This was every hallway. And they know, like you're like, what is that? And they're like, yeah, it's just some shit

seeping through the walls. I mean, me and Sean were gagging. It was really crazy. Is that the trip? There was one trip where we were in the car and Sean is his photographer slash trainer who's always on the road with him, who I love. And we're driving in the car and Tom goes,

yeah, Sean looks exactly like a sloth if he does this certain face. And I was like, there's no way. And then I turn and Sean is doing a face that looks so identical to a sloth that I like burst out and was like, oh, oh, and Tom turned around to see it was like, did you see it? Did you see the sloth? It was crazy. We have real sloth photos that look just like Sean. Like, it's really share photos of like sloths and they're like, it looked just like Sean.

It's really crazy. Yeah. I think that was turning stone. That is turning stone. Yeah. Yeah. Was the best person to tour with in all of my yeah It's why because it's like he doesn't he's not like we're waking up at 11 a.m And everybody has to hang out with me and listen to my stories of your you know, it's just the chillest dude That's a lot of people. Yeah, it's just the most easy and it's all fluid. You got you got it down Yeah, it's years of touring right so you start to like figure out like there's got it down. Yeah. It's years of touring, right? So you start to like figure out like. There's no hiccups ever. It's seamless.

I try to make it like that's the goal. It's so crazy. Just show up, do the show. And you show up. You don't go early. We show up at like as the like it's like, and then you walk on stage basically. We just had that where one of the, it might have even been Rochester, where it was a, let's say, 730 show. Yeah.

We showed up at 720. Yeah. And then I was like, hey, Keir, I like this. Yeah. Let's shift it so that we start arriving like 10 minutes before shows. Yeah, why do you have to get there super early? I mean, for different things. People want sound check, blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes it's sound check, sometimes it's just everyone's peace of mind. They go, well, we want the person who's performing here. Yeah. Like, I just feel like at this point, it's like, if I have you guys, meaning that tour crew, you're there, let's just go over there right before the show. I don't wanna sit around the venue. I hate it.

They love it when you sit around the venue. They painted a picture of him in full blackface. That was another good thing. That was amazing. They were like, we made a mural of you in our arena. Wait, on purpose or just like the shadow? Well, they used brown paint. The paint is brown. This is kind of funny because you know sometimes you're like, wait, crazy? Like am I am I insane? Am I being... So like when my last special came out you do specials at like for Netflix you know they do all the key art yeah and then

they send you they're like here's different versions and you go I like this so they go hey they settled on they really like this and they sent it to me and I go that's a Arab man it I go, that's an Arab man. That's an Arab man. And they go, what? I go, look how dark I am. And it's one of those things, the point I'm making is that I'm very dark in this.

And everyone's like, oh, okay. I'm like, wait a minute, you don't see that? You don't see how dark that is? It's like six shades darker than that. And they're like, sure can we can try to do that I'm like yeah, you're like wait am I yeah, so they come back with like three more versions that are all darker than me, and I'm like well I Don't understand like what am I not yeah, and then I'm like I'm maybe I'm bad with I know I'm bad with color

I'm colorblind. I'm like so is this the one'm bad with I know I'm bad with color. Colorblind. I'm like, so is this the one? And they're like, yeah, they like this one. I'm like, OK, I feel like it looks like an Arab man. And that's what's trying to get any minority in. They're like, you know, and then they use it. Right. They use it. And like the moment it comes out, everyone's like, why are you so dark? And I'm like, yeah, I don't know.

Right. Like, I don't know. But then press wise, they'll send those images to like venues so the venue it's an even darker version that thing and then they made it even darker so it looks like a legit like Jordanian man yeah it really does I'll find it I'll find it so we can put it on the screen because I have a picture of it it's really great it's I think I wrote I I love being black. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, there's no way that like,

if the person painted it must not know you. They don't know me. Yeah. Yeah. And like even people there were like, is this you? Yeah. I'm like, I mean, you know. I think I have a picture of you standing next to it. It's so funny.

Yeah. And that was all, it actually like, it was an experience where I go, oh, next time. You know. Believe in yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah., tell them what is wrong with you. Yeah, totally. Yeah What do you think about activities on the road? I like activities. I like I Don't like being super regimented with it. Mm-hmm, and I don't like too many. Mm-hmm So I feel like like these people who are like every day. Yeah, like there's like these people who are like every day. Yeah. It's full of like there's so much opportunity.

We're going to go do this and they are going to. They are the same, dude. I'm telling you, our counterparts are the same. Yeah. We are. I love activities. Yeah, I like to go. Like, here's the thing.

Like, I know I go to this, you know, city and they go, hey, there's this track you can drive on. Do you want to, I'll be like, I like doing that. Yeah. Let's make sure we can do it on this day. But I also don't want to do like 10 other things that day. That would be my activity. I like one activity a day.

I like like, let's go skeet shooting or let's, you know, go kayaking or something. It's very different. You're different though. You're like, if it comes up, I'm the same way as you. If it comes up, OK, I'll take the opportunity. And there's a little part of you that's like, yeah, you know, like a little part of it's like, I should do it because I am living one life. It's true. And I go, it's better to leave your room and not just live in your room. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, gym, gym is the activity.

That is the activity. I do the gym all the time. Yeah, I do. Like, I love football. And so a lot of times if we're like in college football, you have NFL football cities, if they set up a tour, I'm like, oh I enjoy that. Like it's a fun thing to do and that to me feels like, you know, it's a few hour commitment. Like you see the place but I don't like being like overwhelmed with activities. I like museums. Sometimes I go to a city that has great museums. I go. Yeah, I'm like that. I'm not like 20 activities overwhelmed with activities. I like museums sometimes. I go to a city that has great museums. I go out.

Yeah, I'm like that. I'm not like 20 activities in a day. I just like to do like one big thing or I just want everything I'm doing to be done by around three or four o'clock. Yes. And then I can go to the hotel. No, it has to start at three for me.

Nothing before three. Nothing before three. You like to go straight from activity to show? I have to- No activity. I have to- I don't like that. I have to lay down and like re-center and like work out, take like a 20 minute nap and then like restart my day. I can't just go straight from one to another.

My move every time is wake up, sleep till super late because I haven't slept all week probably and then take Coyote and Jake, find a big park, go to park, come back, maybe gym. And then, I mean, like we have like one workout day, but it's like park, gym, snap show. Yeah, that works. It has to be outside. See, if it were up to me, it would be get up around 10, coffee, go skeet shooting, go fly fishing, cancel the shows, go camping. Oh, now nothing is better than a canceled show.

Oh my God, we had that in Portland, we had to stay an extra day. That is straight up heroin in the veins. Oh my God. The best one ever was that I was doing that Canadian outdoor festival, and I was doing that Canadian outdoor festival. Yeah. And I was signed up for like seven of them.

And these are like big outdoor, like 10, 12,000 people in an outdoor venue. And it was subsidized by the Canadian government. So everything was fully, fully like highest level insured. Yeah. And two of the gigs got cancelled for weather like extreme flooding and they couldn't do the shows so I got full fee to not do the show. I was like I called my agent, can you do more of these? Can you set up a bunch of outdoor shows that have insurance. Yeah. In Hawaii.

In tornado alley. Yeah. That's so sick. Dude, I was in Portland with Mike Rowland and Jake Velasquez, who are probably top best friend for me. And then they were like, all the planes got canceled. Our whole plane was on it. And we were like, dude, what if we just flew out tomorrow?

And then we just had the day the day of our lives. Yeah, it was so sick. Isn't that like such the the it's a funny thing is like we love doing stand up like so much. Yeah, it's the best. Yeah. If someone told you like there's no show today, you're like, oh my God, doing a movie where they'd be like, yeah, filming's going to go past the shows.

And I'd be like, oh, damn, doing the movie where they'd be like, yeah, filming is going to go past the shows. And I'd be like, Oh, it's hard. It's funny though. Right. Because you go, it's my favorite thing, but also you're telling me like, I can't do it. Like you're saying we can't do it. It's like a relief. Yeah. It's not your choice. It's someone else's. So you feel like, okay, okay. But anytime I had a show to Colorado and I was like, no, I want to have a good day on Thursday. I don't want to have a bad day.

Yeah. It's too much. Sometimes it's just, it's a lot of work to just stand up there and ask for validation every three to 30 seconds. Yeah. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. Yeah.

Mentally, it takes something out of you. Yeah. And when you fly, you're basically already hung over Like it just gives you a hangover. So then all you want to do is chill and have a giggly time And then you have to perform for two hours. It's crazy. It's crazy, dude The flying thing must be remedied. They got to figure that out Adam. They make it not make your body feel so bad Yeah, I don't know if you fart fart, you will feel better. If farting does feel good. There's gotta be a solution. I mean, I know they made that airborne stuff, but that's not real.

Right? I don't think so. You're a famous person. You don't have a thing yet? Are you doing like the... Do you ever do the IVs? The IV stuff? Oh yeah, that's the secret. Is that the thing? We gotta make enough money to get IVs in us all the time I know and I have with that crazy man I have like several and now I have like a pack where it looks like I'm dying if you brought you're like Oh, you have HIV like what are all these? Injections and it's just like every fucking peptide on and like new stuff with like this isn't FDA approved yet I'm like give it to me. And then I take that.

I take everything dude. Is it, is it, is it good? Yeah, it's good stuff. I mean, sometimes you don't, you're like, am I feeling something? I don't know. This is kind of the placebo effect, but sometimes you definitely. Those IVs I've gotten them before shows and like you'll feel and I'm like, I don't feel any different.

No, it's just supposed to make you feel good. It's not supposed to make you high or anything. I don't know. It doesn't make me feel good. It doesn't make you feel good. No. Have you tried NAD? No.

NAD in IV form is like. What's NAD? It exists on a cellular level in all of us. So it's just something that is naturally occurring. And you're getting a mega dose of it. So I guess it's for cellular repair on that level like you could feel yourself if you're feeling you know When you know you're getting sick, I'm about to have a bad cold Yeah, I've done three days of 500 milligram NAD and like there's just no cold just it just goes away

Shit like that where you're like, I feel Ship ship in huh? You just did Huberman. I did Huberman, yeah. That's fucked up. Why are you allowed? Wow. Yeah, big deal. Does he have comics on? No, just like big, big names.

Yeah. Like, um. I saw you on there and I was like, that's my friend and my boyfriend. No, I know. It was, I was also very, I was, cause he had told me for a while, I'd love to do a podcast and I was just like, yeah, yeah. And then I was like yeah. Yeah, I was like Sure, well like the way that someone's like, you know, we'll do something together sometime. Okay. Okay. Okay, right So that's what he was like. Yeah, we'll do I'd love to have you my podcast sometime

This is like a year ago. I was like, yeah, I'd love to and then you know, he records in LA I'm like I was like, yeah, I'll be in LA and I would tell him like I'll be in LA this time and then I was like well this is perfect because of my my show's out yeah thoughts on Netflix uh which we just got renewed which is oh hell yeah that's great it's so good I was like I binged a bunch of it thank you very much I uh I was just like oh this would be the perfect time to do the podcast because he has, he's like a really great interviewer. He asked, I'd suck the come out of his cock. I thought that too. Right. Yeah. She's super handsome guy and like smart tats jacked. Skateboard. I know. Just a skateboard. You are tiny. Yeah.

You look good. No, but he, it was like, it was great because he's also like, the guy's a really generous, just human being. I mean, in the fact that he is like, he's very generous with information. To me, when I think of whether someone is selfish or generous, the big one that pops into my mind is how they are with information. Meaning like, a lot of people, their natural instinct is when they know something, they go, that's for me. Like now I know something. I know where to get the chicken sandwich.

You know what I mean? On every level. I know that this helps me sleep better. And what they do is they go, that's for me. And they don't wanna share it. And he's like the type of person where like anything that he discovers that is helpful he just wants he gives it to you you know just like and it doesn't matter if it's a contact for a person if it's like the idea of how this could benefit better your life he's just very generous in that way.

Yeah. So he's also a generous interviewer. Like he's just like very giving. So you feel like. Oh, like he asks you stuff about you and. Yeah. But he's like, it's very flattering the way he does it. You know, and like, give an example. It's a great chat.

It's a great. I had a great conversation with him. Was it about your like peptide? No, we talk a little bit about like physical activity and all that stuff. And then he was really curious because he's so curious about how the mind works in different capacities. I think he wanted to have a conversation about like, how do you approach like doing standup and writing and doing so?

He had like very authentic questions about it. And then I love when nerds ask that. And I'm just like never gonna ever gonna be fun Well, yeah, I think they look they get their thing. Yeah, great. Yeah, and then we get the other I just said I would suck the come out of his car. Yeah, you know, that's so many people think that about him He's got so many things. He's got so many things. Yeah, but we and we had a lot of weight fluctuation and we're funny Yeah, that's what we get. That's what we get stretch marks funny That's right. Yeah, right

If you just have lifelong washboard abs, you don't get to be you're not allowed and if you are you must be eliminated Yeah, and they're also it's like I don't know. It's just not funny like a super hot person They're just not funny. Yeah. Right. Like you might go like, they're funny for a hot person. Right. Like you're like, she's really like something about it. She's like, she's got a personality. Oh yeah. You're not going to give her like, she's hilarious.

Dude, every time my friend is dating a hot girl and I'm like, is she funny? They're like, actually, yeah. Ask, ask, be like, how? Yeah. They'll be like, dude, I, one time she tried to make her armpit fart. I'm like, I will. We're like, defending your hot girlfriend to your friends for funny is always so like,

getting caught red handed, killing someone. Like, no, I didn't. Dude, I have my best friend Brianna, who I've told you about, she, maybe you met her, she's the hottest girl alive and she's literally like, we grew up being the funny ones. And we will walk into a space and people will be like, oh, hey, and I'll be like, hey, I'm Jordan.

And the way that they treat me, they're like, what's up? Like, yeah, let me give you your number. And they'll be like, you. And she's like, dude, I'm literally just existing the same way Jordan is. Like, no matter where we are. She will get shit on It's like an ongoing joke just because she's so hot She's so hot and the second she like tries to be funny

It'll be the funniest thing you've ever heard but people are like you will burn a thousand deaths Yeah, and we all are doing this totally. Yeah, I'm a quiet. You know, I mean like we all Size people up like every man does a thing where they go, what's on a subconscious level, what's the threat level with this other man? Like when a man walks in the room, your brain calculates like, this guy could fuck me up. It does it like fast.

Is it this guy could fuck me up or is it this guy could fuck my wife? No. This guy could fuck me up. I think it's fuck me up, yeah. You always calculate like. You always wanna know who in the room you would have to fight if something

Yeah, you're not even thinking about fighting right? It's not that you're like I am walking around thinking about fighting It's just this thing where you're like this guy could thrash me if you wanted to yeah He just does it like so fast the same way the same way it calculates like a very Small man where you go like this guy's not a. Like your brain just like immediately does it, right? But I think you also do it, you all do it for attractive level. Like when somebody's astonishingly good looking. When a guy walks in a room,

you look around to find other guys, like which guy's cock could I suck? Like that. That kind of thing. I walk in a room and I go, which girl? Plus you could eat. No, I'm like, which girl could I headbutt? It's which girl do I hate because which girl is super hot?

Yeah. It's which, who's my new enemy? Guys don't do that. No, guys don't do that. That's very much a woman thing. That's a very woman thing. It's not good. Guys will, you do calculate like, look at this handsome son of a bitch, right?

And then you start to- But you're doing it more gregarious, like, look at this handsome son of a bitch, huh? And you also start to clock. Not like this fucking piece of shit. No, not like he's we have to do that. No, you don't. One alpha for every 10 women. No women are just conditioned to be. No, it's biological because in the wild we had to be like, I need the chimp that's strong.

And all these other ways. Have you seen the video of the lion where the male lion just like looks at a lion walking by and that female lion just like goes and like beats the shit out of that other lion. Do you see the video of the dog? Alpha and the shit out of the other dog? They're all German Shepherds and a dog like me comes in and Alphys is shit out of those guys. A dog like me. Yeah! That dog is a person. It's crazy how he holds it down.

He's like, settle. Underestimated but never doubted. Wait, two points. One, speaking of dogs, what are we doing? She's just sleeping on my lap? So cute. Are you crazy? 120, we gotta wrap it up.

Where are you going? I have an appointment. Do you really? Yeah. Okay. Fuck. Can I come? Yeah.

Okay, great. If you want to. You might like it. Is it good? Nah, I don't, you might like it. Yeah. Is it good? No, I don't think you want to. The but that's for the but what is the but bleach? A colonoscopy. I'm going to get bleach.

You should. You were supposed you were supposed to bleach your asshole for the Patreon. We're going to bleach my asshole on the Patreon. And then all of a sudden I was like, why? You know, when you're manic and you're just like, yeah, dude, that would be great. That would be. And then I was like, I got, I got. How about waxed butt wax? I've gotten my butt wax before. And can I be honest with you? Yeah.

When it grows in, it's so itchy. Yeah, it's hot. Yeah. Seeing the girl scratch her ass is a real turn on. Huh? What? What? What? I got I got rubber gloves up to the elbow. I got a lab coat. I got goggles and everything to bleach her butthole. And then she backed out of it at the last minute. I was like, no, because there's enough dudes DMing me being like, I literally

wouldn't show your bottle. Jerking off and his cock was Harvey Weinstein Even our ones. Let me see a little Harvey Weinstein, dude. I'll show it to you It's so and then I had a dream about it like of the exact bit. It's so disgusting. It's a vile cock Oh, it's vile. You know what? It looks like that thing. Hold that up. Hold that up thing That's no no that this no, come on that thing. That looks like a cop thing? This? No, no, no. That. This? No, come on. That thing that looks like a cop. There's 20 different things you're pointing.

Yes. That's what his dick looked like. And he was jerking it off and then it came and it just like went. Ew. Some guy sent this to you? Dude, I get that shit all the time. Crazy shit. And then it's, and from like a profile with like, here's my name and like, like not like one of those. Like a dad holding his son's hand.

It's usually I have two followers and the thing is like, yeah. Eww. Dude, it's yeah, it's crazy. Those make fake accounts. So I was like, yeah, I'm not going to have anybody touching my butthole on screen. Yeah, no, but it would be there'd be like a sheet here and we'd see the front here to you here and then someone would be doing it behind you. And we wouldn't see the other side, just the front.

I yeah, I said I would do it if we got a giant thing. But what's the point? To have a beautiful leached butthole. Yeah, but I should just go to an Asian lady. No, no. Then we'll interview it on the podcast. The nice thing about having a little bit of butthole hair is when you wash your butthole, it gets a good lather going. You get a good scritch-scritch. Oh yeah. I got a real hairy butthole. Yeah. It's nice when you wash that thing, like you're washing a bear. You get a good scritch-scritch. Oh yeah. You know? I got a real hairy butt hole.

Yeah. It's nice when you wash that thing like you're washing a bear. I want to, I've had it waxed before. Really? Yeah. And the crazy thing is you're like, oh, this is what it's like to wipe without hair. Like this is pretty great. Pretty great to wipe without hair.

Like most of it's, if I'm in the bathroom 20 minutes, 18 of it's trying to clean my asshole. Yeah, yeah, same, same, same. Like it's not like I'm shitting for 20 minutes. But mine is just forever poop. Mine isn't poop hair. Really? Yeah, forever poop.

What's forever poop? Where you can't, it's just you're forever wiping because there's still poop in there? There's still a little, oh. And that's when you need to like. I have to move around to jog it. Do you gouge, do you gouge? No, what you gotta do is you stand up.

Yeah. And like things kind of reset. Oh, I thought you were putting that in your ass. In your asshole. And then you sit back down and you wipe and you're like, oh, it's done. Oh my, because that's what she does. Yeah, exactly.

She pinches it off, she's pinching it, and then she walks a little bit. That's what you gotta do. Wow. When you get a forever wipe, just stand up and then sit back down. You heard it here first. Move it around, yeah.

And watch Bad Thoughts on Netflix. Yeah, it's really good. Thank you. Yeah, it's great. So well done. Congrats on season three. Two. Two, I mean. Thank you.

I'm thinking for the future. Yeah, I hope we get season two, but season two is green lit, so that's very exciting. I love shooting it. It was so fast. That's great. So fun. That must've been so fun. How long did it take you?

To shoot it? Yeah. We shot it in 22, 23 days. That's so fast. That's a lot. The whole episode. The whole show, yeah. How did you get shit on yourself?

How did they make that look real? It was oatmeal, peanut butter, I think a little chocolate. Oh, is that what you eat every day for breakfast? Yeah, dude. And like it was running down my like, you could see these and they were outside. Yeah. And then at first just feels wet and then it starts to dry. But there's sugar in, you know, some of the peanut butters. But then you start walking and it's ripping your hairs out because it's drying on you.

Oh, like you really do feel like you. How cool is it to be the assassin? Very cool. That's so fun. And then we just so what we did with that one was so fun was you get they go like, because some of them I had written and I brought into the writers room, would punch it up or go off on a totally different. Then some of them were like conversations where you write this thing.

Okay, let's try this. And then that one was great because they're like, what's like a genre that you love? Right? I was like, oh, I love like spy movies and stuff. So it's like, okay, the fun thing would be like, be cool and sexy. Right? I was like, that can't be the end of, you know, you can't just be like, and then I was cool. Like, so there's got to be a hard pivot.

So like the fun thing was, all right, what if you get to be really cool and sexy and then you slowly fall apart? The hardest pivot. I mean, right. So like the shot goes and then you just see this slow, like, meltdown. Yeah. And that was, that was like, I thought very funny to be like, start really cool and then just absolutely return.

Yeah, immediate pivot, yeah. What was more fun, that or yelling at two little people on a plane? Those guys, Nick Novicki, I've known for years. Dude, Nick's great. He's great, and no, that was super fun. That was super fun. You should do a thing where you have every picture of the characters that you do that we can swipe through.

Yeah. That's what I've wanted on Instagram. That is a good idea. Just like a shot. The crazy one was the black and white one. Yeah. Where I play the conjoined twin. Yeah.

Because that was like a huge undertaking of like prosthetics and like shooting plates so that we could substitute in the head so it looks like it's coming. Like that was a big long, you know. Did you get panicky? and like shooting plates so that we could substitute in the head so it looks like it's coming. Like that was a big long, you know. Did you get panicky? What was harder, that or making old people come? That was so crazy because at one point they're like, kiss his leg. So I just kiss this old man. I know, I was thinking about you the whole time I was watching it.

I was like, oh, Tom. And then the lady, so we have this older lady who's playing like Esther, right? In the, in this story. Your face was close. Bro, so we're doing all, we're doing all this stuff and she's just like so sweet. Yeah. And then she's telling me she's like, it's so like people think that just because you're older, like sex doesn't appeal to you anymore.

And I'm like, oh yeah, you know, because we're obviously making this comedy, like ridiculous story. And then she's like, but it's still like, oh my God, she goes, so this is like very liberating to like participate. She's getting wet. She's getting wet while you're doing those things. So then we do this thing where we're like, all right, so the big like turn in this one

is gonna be that, you know, your character's eating my ass. She's like, yes, will do. She goes, what's that? And so we start to explain it. And what we got was, we got a, just like you have stunt doubles, so they have Doubles for Intimacy they're called intimacy doubles. Mm-hmm

So it's basically like if if there were like this graphic sex scene and you're and you're like, I don't want to do that scene but like I'll you know, i'll do it to a certain point. This person would be like Equivalent to a stunt double they would look you, they'd put a wig on that looks like, so that like she would, let's say, get in bed with the guy if you didn't want to, right? And so we're like, hey, it's a older lady. So we just had the intimacy double there.

She was like same size and they had a wig that matched. And so that her face would be down here while I hold my legs up. Right. Right. And so we're like, hey, so we're going to do this. And then as she goes, the older lady was like, no, I'll do it. Yeah. She stabs the double. She's like, get out of my limelight. Like, really? She's like, yeah, give you a blowjob.

And we're like, it's not a blowjob. And she's like, wait, what is it? We're like, it's like licking his butt. Like, we're trying to like, you know, and she was like, people do that. And we were like, yeah. Yeah. And it feels great. And then I'm sitting there with my legs up in the air like this, you know?

Oh, dude. Her head down here. And then I hear Rami. He goes, hey, your head's going like this. It needs to be more like this. Oh my God. And she's like, what? He's like, it looks like you're going like this.

And she kept saying like, isn't it like a blow job? He's like, no, it's not, it looks like you're going like this and she kept saying like isn't it like a blowjob He's like no, it's not a blowjob because you're just licking his butt and she's like she's like, okay So then you see her go. Oh, oh my god. It's like a 80 year old lady. No, it's that's so sick It was very fun. That's so sick. I laughed a lot that day. That was the thing I spent 22 days basically laughing so hard every day. That character was so good because you look so different, but like such a whole person.

Yeah, I said that my cousin came to set, took a photo with me. We've known each other, we were born two weeks apart. We've been like close our whole life. And he sent, he's like, dude, I sent it to my mom and dad, my aunt and uncle. And he's like, look who I'm with. And they're like, who is that?

It's crazy. And he was like, you don't know? And he's like, look who I'm with. And they're like, who is that? It's crazy. And he was like, you don't know? And they're like, is that like an actor we should know? And he was like, look at it. And they were like, I don't know who that is. He took it to his wife. She was like, who is that? It's so good.

It was really crazy. Like it was dramatically, hair also. Yeah. I think if I... Do you love that? Dude, that day I was like, maybe I should get a fucking hairdresser. Really? You loved it? Well, it was like flow.

Everybody was like walking by me and they'd be like, oh, like smiling. You were tan. You had the whole. Yeah, it was like it was great. Wow. So did they like do it like we're going to do the one where you have a shaved on the last day? We had to we had to schedule that one. Steven Seagal, the black and white one. All those had to be scheduled. Like, all right, these will be pre-shaved. These will be post-shaved.

Yeah. Yeah. I hate it being shaved though. All right, I gotta run. Do you have to go? I don't want you to go. Okay. Thank you. We'll release him. For real, watch Bad Thoughts.

So good. Watch it out. Thank you. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen, IanFightDance.com for all my dates, Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. We'll see you next time. It's good to Watch it out. Thank you punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen Ian finance comm for all my dates patreon.com slash BDM pod. We'll see you next time. Thank you guys. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks, man