Bein' Ian With Jordan - Lock It Up! W/ Dusty Slay | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep159

Episode Date: August 13, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpodWATCH WET HEAT HERE : https://www.netflix.com/title/82079241IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2sPodcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast- Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts whospecialize in you at https://www.rula.com/IAN #rulapod - Forget your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the codeFIENDCLUB15 at https://www.theperfectjean.nyc/FIENDCLUB15#theperfectjeanpodFollow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensenWATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidanceIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8Follow Dusty Slay Here : https://www.instagram.com/dustyslay/https://dustyslay.komi.ioWATCH WET HEAT HERE : https://www.netflix.com/title/82079241Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms!Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian FidanceOutro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

Hey, everybody, Ianfinance.com for tickets to see me, August 1st to 3rd in Buffalo, New York, August 14th to 16th, Chicago, Illinois. Let's pack that out, Chicago Zanis, and then I'm in Irvine, California, Oxford, California, Fort Wayne, Indiana, East Providence, Rhode Island, New Brunswick, Omaha, Tulsa, Houston, Edmonton, New Orleans, Washington, D.C. Just announced, JFL Toronto, September 20. 26 and 27 Ianfinance.com YouTube.com slash Ianfinance comedy for my travel show

Ian do an odd guy doing odd job subscribe to that that's where all my stand-up goes if you're still watching do me in favor please subscribe Punchup.

Dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates Patreon.com slash B&EM pod for the page for the bonus for the fun and I'll see you on the road

bye guys Telling jokes and having smokes riding back so fruit the night it's a wild ride when you're

being in coffee ice no matter what now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride when you're being in being in

life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live a life being in Being in with Jordan My checks

Mike checks Okay Tell your alternative Oh I know I better know what it is And I had that too Okay Maybe not

But uh shingles No My mom came to visit me And got so stressed That she left And had shingles For like two months

Yeah She got Do you have shingles? I did have shingles. Did it look like this? Stress shingles. It looked, yeah, I got some pictures. It was on my leg, but they say it's normally around your ribs.

Yeah. When I had a real fucked up travel time in Portland, Maine, and I had to, like, move a show back, and I had to get a plane to Boston, then run a car and drive to make the gate. It was like snowstorms. That night, I was so stressed. I couldn't sleep, and I just said stress shit up my side. I was like, oh, my God, oh, my God. I have shingles, blah, blah, but I went away.

Wow. Mine's sticking around. Yours is hanging out. Here's moved in. Here's what it might be. I stopped eating sugar and gluten because I had always had an itchy butt, itchy vagina. Okay? Like yeast.

So much yeast. Yeah. Listen, don't look away. Okay. Then I totally cut off sugar. Okay. I was eating exclusively gummy bears on the road. Okay.

And then Chachy-B-T said, you might just look out. You might have. You might have a candida flare up, which is where it spreads. It tries to escape. So that could be what it is. Maybe you're detoxing it. I know. Your bodies.

I could be. Now, Chad GPT said that. What did a doctor say? I haven't asked a doctor. But I asked. I think the doctor's sitting in the office on check. I actually know that. Your friend said that.

What? Your friend who we just talked to on the phone as a doctor said that uses chat. I know. Well, you told me about that and you sent me the picture and you used chat GPT. I use chat EBT. and it said, You go itch, bitch! Like EBT food stamps?

Because that's so fucked up. Damn, girl, you bumpy hell. Wait, can we do this? Can you do chat BET? Chat BET? Yeah. Damn, bitch. Oh, just a slightly more wealthy black man.

Just a black man with a few dollars. Damn, bitch. Oh, let me just change to a black man with a couple dollars. Let me fan you off with my dollars. Yeah, I haven't watched B&T. BET since the 90s, but it feels like, yeah, Comic View. No, that was it, right?

BET Comic View? Bruce, Bruce. Dude, that's where it was out. Death Comedy Jam is one of my favorite series of all times. I have studied that with how good they are, like, act outs, and just like sitting in something and letting it go around to where everyone's like, okay, we're done. And then just like hitting it again.

I timed an act out and it was a minute and 30 seconds once. It was a guy spraying Jerry curl on his own head. Oh, yeah. It was amazing. There's one of a lady I don't know what it's from But she comes out She's a big lady

And she just starts Pulling all these things Out of her bottles Yeah Out of her breasts Pulls a bottle A cup I mean it

Is just Yeah It's just Destroying the room I don't know What you do after that You drink it I think you leave

How do you just go Into jokes After that I go It sounds at the grocery store the other You pull all the bottles Out you pour a drink

And go You know I was talking to my friend Chat EBT the other day It sounded a little something like this. I'm thirsty, motherfucker. Yeah, that would work.

They'd really like that. You did comic, you did last comic standing. Yeah, I did, yeah. I used to watch that religiously. 2015. Yeah. I made it to what they called the final 100. How many people were there?

I would like to think millions. I auditioned. I did not get past the second round. It was, I was alone at Gotham Comedy Club with Wanda Sykes in the back of the room. Oh, you might have did the same years. me because that's what I did too. That's what it was. And two, two producers of Wanda Sykes. Yeah. And I, middle of the day. Middle of the day, Gotham Comedy Club, 2 PM. They had a comic waiting here while you're on stage. You get off. That comic goes up and they put someone else in like a bullpen. And I sped through my act, got one laugh. And they were like, so it says in your bio you've only been doing comedy for three years. And I went, yeah, I'm just a little baby. And they went, what, what was that? And I went, oh, and I get nervous. I do. voices. And they were like, thank you.

That was it. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way. They didn't want any more. Dude. That's a horrifying story. You do voices when you get nervous or were you tried to grown out of it, but I did. Yeah. I thought you were just mocking. No, no, no. Something me and me and both do is we sing when we get nervous. Yes. On stage. Like on stage or something, we both, I've noticed we both have this thing. We'll be like, we'll be like, I'm not allowed to talk about this because I haven't discussed it with my therapist, you know, or something like that. Yeah. Wow. We both do that.

Or, like, when someone does, like, accents, if they get nervous. Have you ever done that? I couldn't believe that last comic standing wouldn't want that, though. I feel like they want the weird stuff. They want to be like, look at these people. And they want to just exploit it. And they go, a guy does baby voices when it's nervous. Oh, because they want, they want, it's like America's got, or what is it like?

God, Dave. American TV on TV. I'm happy about it, too. Actually. Did they do a thing where they were like, what's your sob story? Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, because I was doing trailer park jokes in the first two rounds. And then when I made it to LA, they were like, this three minutes, you can't use it again. So I was like, well, trailer park's my whole thing. If I do three minutes, that's my whole chunk gone. Yeah. So I did something different. And they didn't like that. But they wanted, they were like, what would this mean to you to win? I go, I don't know. It'd be nice to headline clubs around the country. Yeah. I think they were looking for me to be like, I could pull my mom out of poverty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be able to.

Yeah. I wouldn't be able to do, it's so exploitative. You would fall so deep into this. You'd be like, what would this mean to you? And you'd start crying. You'd be like,

oh, I just feel like my dad in heaven. Well, that's why I am so glad I didn't do it. Because at that time of my life, it would have been like, I'm sober and I, like risen from the ashes.

And it would have been so bad for me to then go on stage. You'd be like, my girl's like the fall. Like whatever I was doing at the time, you know? It's terrible. You would have fallen into that. You are the guy that would have fallen into that. I would have before, but I would now.

I'd be like, fuck that. That's why they want to get you early on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They should have gotten in on the ground floor. They should have. The little baby.

Yeah. So tell us about the baby voice. I was molested. Yeah. They pull out childhood trauma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They really do. It's very weird.

The Bachelorette, they have to do it every time. Producers are evil. Yeah. They watch and then they're, like, oh, I know what we can manipulate. My, my big fat sister or whatever that show is called. Oh, yeah. That's unacceptable. That we have that on TV. Several of those shows. It could be

there's so many. You've named like seven shows. Yeah, yeah. Those are all fucked up. What's the other one that I can't believe is real? My 600 pound life. Oh, my brother's grown out of my neck. I mean, basically, I mean, I even think love on the spectrum is pretty bizarre. Dude, I know. I mean, it's a great show. I know. Why have jokes about it? about how it's like insane we made them famous for being autistic and it's basically like when you recognize one of them you're like hey are you on that show about retards

and they're like nah you're my favorite one you're my favorite Pokemon retard yeah yeah it is fucked up it is weird it's crazy and then they go on talk shows and you see them get like nervous and anxious and they're just repeating Rick Lasman's podcast farting it's like what is happening what is happening I don't know the show but I know you don't know love on the spectrum I don't know I don't know You know, my wife watches some of those shows.

You know they have a new one called Down for Love. Oh, no. Yeah. We're watching it tonight. Oh, no. Isn't it called Down with love? Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's down for love. Down for love. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You can't do that. Like the curious case of, I don't know, this little girl. It was like, you ever see? I don't know.

It was her name. But it was like, oh, that little girl. Yes. Who was old but young? Yes. Yes. I watched that whole show. And then I just left the show thinking,

I just watched hours of this family abusing this little girl. Yeah. And they were like, she's grown up. Yeah. And it's like, no, she's a little girl. Yeah. And the family was like, we don't believe that you're what you say you are.

Yeah. And they're like, you just live in this apartment, you 40 year old woman. And she was like, I don't know how to use a spoon. Yeah. She's like, nobody taught me to read. What are you talking about? I'm seven.

Yeah. And they're like, no, you're a 40-year-old Mexican girl. Right. And your body is weird. So we can't tell what it is. So we're going to deem it old. And they just made that show. And I don't think they went to jail.

Really? I don't know. I don't think the guy went to jail. That's crazy. We documented it. And we should go to jail, right? The only one that is good that has existed is the jinx. You see the jinx?

I don't think I've seen that. The jinx, he reveals that he's the killer at the end of the season. And the people filming the season are like, yeah, he's in the bathroom. And he goes, of course, I killed them. killed them all. And the people making the show were like, they heard that he was on live mic. That was sick. That was great. Imagine though, you're that guy and you've, whatever you've done and you got, you were like, nobody caught you and then you outed yourself on a, yeah, but you're the idiot who said, I'll do the show because I have nothing to. That's total ego. That's total ego.

That's total ego killing multiple people and then being like, I'll get so close to the fire, but I will not get burned. Right. That's like Trump's card. That's like the birthday card when he wrote to Epstein where he was like, we share many secrets together? I'm like, just right, happy birthday. Did that happen? He gave, he wrote a birthday card to Epstein that said, did that just come out? He, like, a week ago, that was like a picture of a woman that he drew.

And then he wrote, happy birthday, may we share many more secrets. And I'm like, just right. Dude. Made me share many more days, wishes, afternoon. Even if you don't have secrets. Even if you don't have secrets. You never even want to make a joke card about it. Maybe we share secrets that are older than the girls we have sex with.

Signed Donald James. You shouldn't even tell people that you have secrets with that. That's crazy. That's what a secret is. Yeah, totally. Dude, I feel good about that stuff because I don't have any secrets. Well, I don't know that I don't have any secrets. But, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't write a card to someone.

You're only as sick as your secrets. Secrets keep you sick. Is that true? Yeah. And if you don't got secrets, you got nothing to hide. Yeah, but you can tell one person something, but not every. I got no secrets. You have secrets.

What do you think is the secret? You have deep-seated insecurity that is unresolved that you haven't faced. That's not a secret. Everybody knows that. Are you kidding me? What the fuck are you talking about? James?

James. You broke the chair. Look, did you break the chair? Are you giant? Mocular body? The conversation got so intense for him that he broke the chair. Is that our chair?

It's like. Is that the chair? No, he's in the chair. He's in the nice chair, but we have a guest. so the nice guy, the guest guy. No, dude, are you kidding me? I like the shards of plastic in my ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I love that. That's a triggering thing to hear because I used to be a fat girl and I used to break those chairs all the time. You know how fat people lost weight back in the day when electricity was invented? Oh, geez.

Welcome back to another episode to be in Ian with Jordan. Dude, that, the Prozac makes my delay so. I like watch that whole thing and then scream. What is that? It's a taser. Do you want to tase yourself? Oh, no, no. I thought it was a vape.

Shout out haywire. Shout out juice box. Last night they played Brooklyn Meadows and they all stayed at my place and I tased one of the kids from juice box. It's like 24th. Dude, I'd eight people sleeping in the house last night. Really? You can't even tell. And you tased a guy. Is that cool? Tase a guy. I said, welcome to New York, bitch.

You did? You can't do that. He asked for it. Oh, okay. Okay. They wanted me to taste him. How did it? How did he do? Yeah, how did he do? Took it like a bit. Did he?

You wouldn't take it like Dusty Wood? I'm gonna, I'm gonna go ahead and say I probably would take it. That thing looks terrifying to me. That's fair. You're right. You're right.

You're right. James, you're up. You know, by a light switch or, you know. Have you ever been in a fight? Yeah.

It's been a long time, but yeah, for sure. That's cool. Yeah, I grew up in a trailer park. I mean, we used to fight all the time as kids,

but yeah. Also as an adult, I've been punched in the face. Really? Yeah. Over what? I used to drink a lot and got punched.

I got beat up in Charleston. What happened in Charleston? I was, you know, I went out to. You got stomped out? I went to a happy hour and I had some socky and then I continued on through the night. To get us little socky. And then I ended up in a bar around closing time. Closing time.

You know, dancing with girls. Time to punch dusty in the face. That weren't my girl. And then a guy confronted me and then another guy grabbed me from behind and threw me on the ground. And then people started kicking me. And then I got up. I got up and I was mostly unheard, I think, at that point. But I saw a couple of the guys on the corner.

So I went to confront them and then they beat me up on the corner. I was pretty drunk. Good for you for not backing down. Yeah. And both of my eyes were swollen shut. Yeah. But no blood. I never bled.

You didn't have glasses at the time. No, I don't think so. Yeah. Dusty has this thing where he's a little bit like the most hilarious Murphy's Law. what's that just like shout out murphy's law great new york city hardcore band you have you'll when we were on tour you like so many calamities would happen that would just you'd just be like i'm totally fine with this like he showed up and he was like he was like all right i think we're gonna need to stop somewhere and get me a shot because he was just covered in poison oak yeah had a lot of

poison oak you had a stomach thing had poison i always have a stomach thing but yeah had poison oak you got sunburn so bad yeah and then i got i got sick oh you got sick we were in DC. What year was this? This was 2017, I think. Why were you not wearing shoes at one point? Well, because my shoes were, the sole was so thin that I had little holes in it.

And in DC it was raining. So I was walking and my socks were getting wet. And it was real cold. It wasn't real cold, but it was kind of cold. And then I was getting a little sick. So I had to, uh, I needed to take the shoes off to let my socks dry. And I was real, I got real

horse for some reason, just that one day. And then so I did the show with no voice and no shoes. And like Ronnie Van Zant or Skinner. Yeah. And then we had to stay at, you know, Evan's friend's house. And then we went to Charleston and stayed at a place. And they had a couple big dogs. And they had like, I mean, there was like this much hair, dog hair all along the baseboards on the floor. So you could be, and me and Jordan slept on couches in there. And you could barely breathe in there. I mean, I had to make, anytime we had to, like, share a space, that Dusty would have to get into the sleeping bag

because he was covered in poison home. So if he had to share a bed with, like, me or Evan, he had to get in the sleeping bag so he didn't contaminate anybody, but it was so hot. And then we ended up in Florida. We went to the beach, and then we all got really sunburned. We have a picture in my hometown. We just show my hometown in Opelika, Alabama.

And we were all so red. Yeah. I think you had a great set in Opelika, right? Yeah, in your hometown. Yeah. She thrives when she's red. You got burnt in Florida where we did the Truman Show City. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, Seaside. That was crazy. Oh, and then we did that, we did that radio show with that guy. Yeah. I wanted to try to cut that up. I never have done it yet, but that was really funny. Just like a local Florida guy did a radio show.

There was also a thing going on that Evan had. Who's Evan? Evan was a kid on the road with Evan who? Evan Burke. Oh, okay. Evan had a weed pen. And me and Dusty were both like, ah, we're not that into drugs.

We don't drink. But we would hit the weed pen and then get like annihilated immediately. Like silly fun? Like, oh, like hysterically laughing. Oh. Like at one point, at one point we were driving down.

And Dusty was like insane. He's driving the car. It's a storm that's so bad you can't see out of the windshield. There's no way to see it's just water. It was unreal. The lightning was, I mean, it was like just streaks of lightning.

But that's how he, talks, but he's driving. He's like, this is really bad, y'all. And I'm like, yeah, you have to stop. And then every time the lightning would strike, there was a spider in the car, and I would freak the fuck out. And Dusty would go like this, all right, Doran, you got to lock it up.

And I couldn't. And I'd be like, okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And then it was like, Jesus Christ. He'd be like, lock it up now. And then we went into a Love's gas station that we thought was hell in heaven. In the middle of nowhere, it was so bright. It was And they had all this candy.

It is like we died along the way and ended up in this place. The storm was crazy. You weren't pulling. It was crazy. And this is not okay to drive. It was a fun run of show. I don't think any of the shows were particularly good. Or money.

No money. No money. But it was fun though. So fun. That weird girl that we stayed with that was like a Orlando princess. What? Yeah. Yeah.

Seaside. She was, what was her name? Orlando Princess. She was like a Disney princess. She was a Disney princess on and off the stage. Off stage she kept doing. Laren. Laren.

Laren? Her real name, first name was Laren. Yeah. Yep. Her last name was Jadis. Jitus. Oh, God. Yeah.

Yeah. Sweet girl. But we always stayed at that house and it was always a, because it was the improv people they did, or actors at this theater in seaside. Yeah. So they would let us stay with the actors. But every year it was a revolving cast. with a few remaining members

and we would just invade their space for a few days. So bizarre. You introduced me at WWE? Oh yeah. You would never watch WWE until? No. Whoa.

He introduced me to... Yeah, Evan is really into wrestling and I like old stuff. I like the 90s. I love 90s. I love 90s, everything, like 90s sports, 90s wrestling. Ever since after that,

I'm just like, I don't really care that much. I know. It's not. The Bulls? The Bulls. Bulls. Boles. Loved the Bulls.

It is like the world did end in 2000, Y2K. The world ended at 9-11. That was a cataclysmic reality shifting event. We've been in a different reality ever since then. Yeah. Yeah, it is like, yeah, I mean, because people talk about this, right? It's like you clear you can go 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s. And you could be like, yes, that was that decade.

But like 2000, 2010, 2000, like. I don't know. It all looks the same to me. Just a mishmash. What was going on in 2010? Name a thing. Wow. iPhone came out.

2000. Good job. Oh, yeah. 2010. And it's been downhill ever since. Yeah, that's true. We are communication and our ability to get along has plummeted. That is true.

That is true. The 2000s and 2010 was just a mishmash of social media, technology, and an invasion of privacy. at the hands of the government all coming together to make us just be complete stony, baloney, droney. You guys don't know. In 10 years,

this might look like the heyday do. No. Everybody looks like in retrospecting I went to a, I went to a fucking comic book shop this weekend. Shout out Toy Pit Indianapolis.

You don't have to shout out everything that you say. I like it. I like to give people credit when there's good stuff. I like to give up shoutouts. Thank you. Okay, you'll see.

Okay. Get a counter going. Get a counter going. Shout out Toy Pitt. There was. a Ghostbusters toy for sale from 1989 for $3.99 for $3.98

and now it is on sale for like $75. By you? Huh? By you? No. No, I watched it. By toy pit? Yes. Oh, it's for sale for $75 at a toy pit.

So, but the thing is, the thing is, the cool stuff that we wanted back in the day was just $5. No big deal. And now they cash in. on our nostalgia of when you play to toys before your family was broken up with unspeakable tragedies.

And then you pay for that. And it's like you're paying for the memory of when your dad was still alive. Ian, you must hear yourself. What? You're just, you're upset that you... You're describing inflation. You're describing vintage things becoming valuable.

That's a tale is oldest time. That's always been the way. No, no. But our vintage was better. Yeah, you're really dead. Defend in the 2000s. I was born in 1991. Okay.

1991, good year. Yeah, you said you were 10 and, oh, 9-11. 9-11. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. No, but you're describing, I mean, that's what happens. Things get value as time goes on and your commitment. Yeah, but the stuff we had in the 90s was way cooler than the stuff we have now. For cheaper.

The stuff children have now sucks compared to the stuff we had as children. I have kids and it's like they get toys and they're done with them. pretty fast. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I had one bear for life. Yeah. That's the thing, because the toys we had when we were younger were so much cooler and cheaper than the ones that are available now.

Yeah. And I am proving my point. You helped me with. G.I. Joe's used to bend so well. They were like, really. And toys now, they're all stiff. Oh, really? It's like, yeah, you could really, I don't know.

G. I love. G. I just had the trigger, the little finger finger? I think they just had a finger like this. There's also something weird. Were you back? Huh?

No, they had Kung Fu grip. No, they had this. This is actually exactly it. No, G.I. Joe Hans was like this. Some of them were like that, but some of them had that. Told the gun. Yeah. That's because you were making them.

Some of them had that. Some of them had that. My blonde had one. That's why I know, obviously. That's why I know about this. Back me up on this. I forget. The 90s is just better. Nineties were great, though.

You're saying that you want a toy from your childhood and having it be 75. That doesn't make sense. You saying that a $7 toy back then used to be a lot better than a $7 toy now does make sense. No, no, no. A $7 toy from 1991 is infinitely better than a modern day toy that you would spend $35 on. I believe that. Yes. But you being mad at a thing getting old and acquiring value, that doesn't make sense.

Well, I feel like toy pit's just making that money. They're trying to survive. Don't fucking talk that. way. Toy pits good guys over there. That's what we're saying. They got to make their bag. But nostalgia keeps places like that afloat. I feel like that the 80s and 90s and nostalgia has been like packaged and sold to generations of people in ways that nostalgia never had before because it's. Nobody's Googling that shit but you and other weird guys. Weird guys out there. I'm not getting any ads for old Ghostbusters shit. It's not like that.

Like eBay ads. Yeah, I'm not getting that. I'm not getting sent. I think what I'm trying to say is everything being created now and toys that are being made for shows now. When we were growing up, you almost had to like, your mom had to stitch together your Halloween costume or whatever. And now you can go out and buy an Iron Man costume with the helmet. And it's just like the movie. And it makes it not as special.

It's not as cool. Because when you're a child and you get the amazing thing right away, you're like, whatever. But when you have to like, we have too much stuff. Yes. We have too much stuff. We've always had too much stuff. No, we haven't. Not the way we got stuff now.

If you go to like these thrift stores, like there's these giant warehouse thrift stores where it's like, none of this is good. Yeah. Like you walk through and you go, I don't, I like looking at it. I go, remember that? Yeah. But I don't want it. You think stuff has to be eliminated from the planet? Yes.

Yeah. Stuff. We should have a big burn, ideas, opinions. A big burn, yeah. Oh, it's a big burn. Yeah. I have an idea that. What do they do with all the stuff?

Same with the bodies. One of the, one of the graveyards are going to be kicked out. That's what I'm saying. Isn't it crazy we still bury people? We never have new graveyards. I never see a new graveyard. How about that black stone? Who's, like, how are people not?

Yeah, I think about this all the time. Do they mow it over at some point? You never see a new graveyard. You never see. You see patches of graveyards, maybe a new little spot. Dude, you know, back in the day, having a graveyard was like, you were like a bigillionaire. And if you had plots of land in the grate, you could sell that for like a ton of money.

Wow. My great-grandfather, Vincent Tartaglia, owned a cemetery in Wilmington, Delaware. And he was going to... Vinny Tartar. He was going to... to own he was going to give it to my grandmother and her sister and blah blah and my grandmother's brother before he died changed his will and got all the money and all the assets and my grandmother

and aunt didn't get great great aunts didn't get shit right and then when my fucking grandmother died my aunt carol you dumb dirty fucking bitch i hated when you were alive i just want to warn you i'm dissociating so if you could just wrap this up well before my grandmother died she did the same fucking thing and switched all the fucking things around we didn't had any fucking money and she did. I lost you a little while ago because I was remembering when we had Sean Patton on and we spent the entire episode making up fake family members of Dusty Slay. Yeah. Like I have, have you heard about Dusty's, um, gay. Wait, hold on. Dusty's windy day. Windy cousin who does ceramics, Gusty Clay. Oh, Gusty Clay. Remember that? But if she were

my cousin, she would still be Slay though, right? Gusty Slay. Yeah. We, we negated that. Can we all just, did we I just breathed by the fact that my family's been perennally fucked by the graveyard in the tree. I truly stopped listening to it. I came up with Dusty Clay while you were talking. It's just doing it to each other. Yeah, but we don't talk to that side of the family anymore. Could you abbreviate what he said? Well, I think he said that his great-grandfather,

he was part of the tartarian. If you can repeat this, I'll give you $100. He was part of the Tartarian Empire, I think. And he, he, you're nailing it and he owned the graveyard and it was worth a lot of money and then before he died

he switched something in the will so that nobody on his side of the family got any money yeah okay but that's his prerogative is it not? What? No my great great uncle redid his father's will so that him and his family got all the money

cutting out my grandmother, my Aunt Rose, and my Aunt Tookie. Tookie got cut out. Tuckie got cut out. And Aunt Tookie looked like Elizabeth. And Tuckie looked like Elizabeth. Who's that famous Elizabeth Taylor? Oh, okay.

And people would ask her for autograph and she'd sign a Tuckie. Wow. That's cute. So there's a lot of people who think Elizabeth Taylor's nickname is Tuckie. Yes. That's nice. From that time. Yeah.

And so that, fucking dickhead, change the will. And so cut out Aunt Tokey, Aunt Rose and my grandmother. And then my fucking bitch-cunt Aunt Carol did the same fucking thing to me and my mom. That's just how family goes. That's like how my dad's wife sold the house we built. No, no, that's not okay. That's so fuck.

People get so weird around that. It's like the wills come up and they're like, I got to get this. Yeah. And it's like, I don't know. It's so wild. No, my aunt specifically said you're not getting anything. you would just pour it down your throat because you're nothing but an alcoholic

and that was the last time I ever talked to her. Because you were blacked out. We call it B-E-Ted out. And it goes a little something like this. You would have put you down your throat at the time. Whatever happened. I was fucking living in the halfway house at the time. That's what, that's, yes.

Are you really taking Aunt Carol's side right now? I'm saying whatever happens is for the best. Are you really taking Aunt Carol side? I'm saying whatever happens is for the best. If you got money, you don't know what would have happened. If Aunt Carol really cared, she would have put it in some kind of trust for you with a stipulation that if you get sober, you get the money. Well, I'll tell you this.

Yeah. My mom is such a fucking real one, dude. My aunt. Shout out, Gail. Shout out, Gail. You're a fucking real one. Dude, my aunt, when she met my uncle, he fucking had a family. And my aunt said, if you marry me, you will never talk to your family ever again.

He had a kid. He had an ex-wife. aunt that cut you guys out. Okay. So she goes, she goes, dude, don't ever talk to your family ever again. They do not exist. And fucking dumb Uncle Bill was like, oh, okay. Uncle Bill is weak.

My fucking, dude, he's such a fucking pussy. If you're watching, fuck you. He's weak. And so, fucking, when all this shit happened, my mom knew this and my cousin didn't know. And my mom called her and goes, hey, I just

want to let you know, you've got another family. Best of luck, goodbye. Who would she say that? My cousin. To Carol? She said that to Carol's kids? Yeah.

Kid. Yeah. Wow. Gail said that? Gail's a fucking real one. She dropped that fucking bomb she was going to take to the grave because they fucked me and her over. Oh, really?

Yeah. They fucked over you. Then she said, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Wow. She's like, all right, you want to play this game? You've got... Carol's a bad lady, huh?

She sucks, dude? Yeah, Carol does suck. I'm not on Carol. side anymore. Yeah. That sucks. But Bill, you got to put some blame on Bill too, though. It's like, how do you go? Like, what's, what's Carol got going on that she goes, you never have to, you never can talk to your family again. I've seen her naked. She doesn't have it going on. What's Bill got going on? Whoops. I, you know, I got, you know, listen, I got some attractive cousins. And I, I don't see them that often. So there was a time in my life where, yeah, probably would.

Do you think if your cousins are attractive, if you don't see him, the longer you go without seeing each other, the more normal it makes it to be attracted to them? Yeah, I think so. Thank God. Right, because if you grow up side by side with them and you're always hanging out, you know you're related. Like a stepbrother, for example, that would be really weird. Well, even step, though, you're not blood related. Exactly. Yeah.

I had sex with my stepbrother. Oh, did you? Yeah. I would kill a man to have sex with my cousin Holly. How is it, how old were you guys? I don't, I mean, I don't know, maybe that's too. I was 19, he was 25. So you guys were out of the house.

Out of the house. Yeah. But their relationship was groomed in the house. Yeah. Well, I was very attracted to him as a fat child. And then you lost weight. Yeah. And then your brother was like, let's do it.

Yeah. He's like, you've reached the weight requirement to ride this right. Yeah. You're in town for Christmas, huh? It was Christmas. Yeah. It was Christmas He took off some weight this year

Yeah, ho, ho, ho, I'm to ho. How's the boys in I'm in getting this hole, ho, ho. Come on, slant her, ride this fat-ass laid a town. It was good. It was sibling-y sex, though. Yeah. Make your nose red Rudolph for me. What does that mean?

She said it was sibling-y sex. Sibley, like it was a high-five at the end. Did you bro? No kissing. Oh. I've high-fived at the end. No kissing. You guys just banged. Yeah, definitely no kissing.

Really? That's weird. I know. I've done that a few times. I'm kind of into that. You could bang with no kissing? Yeah. Someone that's like a brother? Not. Hi, everybody.

You know, you could benefit from getting yourself into therapy. We all can. Logistics are annoying. And if you need out, rulers got you covered. you take major insurance plans the average co-pays just 15 bucks per session it's it's a great service we wouldn't point you in direction of something that would i not be beneficial to you thousands have already trusted rula to support them on their journey toward improved mental health and overall well-being head on over to rula dot com slash ian to get started today that's r ulla slash ian to get started today that's r ulla slash ian to get started to

support the show and tell them we sent you go to rul a dot com slash i a and take the first step towards better mental health today you deserve quality care from someone who cares hey everybody ha ha ha summer's flying by and it's almost time for pants season this fall you need jeans that are stretchy durable and comfortable it's time for the perfect gene uh i I am a short little guy, but I wear it well because I wear jeans that fit me nice. Comfortable, stretchy, they're not too long, doesn't make it look like I'm swimming in my jeans. If you need to dress up a little more, throw in a pair of the denkakis. They've got everything you already love about their jeans, but in a chino-style fabric,

they're a little more polished while keeping all the comfort. Stop crushing your balls in uncomfortable jeans. this ad was made just for me. Stop crushing your balls and uncomfortable jeans. Head to The Perfectgene.N.YC. Be and Eam with Jordan fans get 15% off your first order, plus free shipping, free returns, and free exchanges when you use the code Fiend Club, 15 at checkout.

That's 15% off for new customers at The Perfect Gene. YC with promo code FeeNCVENC, FIENC, C-L-U-B-1-5. After your purchase, they ask you where you heard about them, support the show, tell them we saying, you fuck your khakis and get the perfect gene. Why is that? Why would you want no kissing? You bang without kissing?

What do you mean with the gay guy I was with for 11 years? Yeah, it's a lot like that. That's all it was. How does he even kiss for 11 years? God damn it all I wanted with a kiss. How does it even get initiated if there's no kiss? From behind, Dusty, from behind. From behind?

He just kind of came up on you. You're right. He came up on you. You're just opening gifts. You just heard, peltz. I went this one from my stepbrother. He's like, I think he got another one under the tree there, Jordan.

Yeah. You know, you lay down, you're watching something. Okay. What? What were you watching? I don't know. Do the parents know? Yeah.

Now they do. At the time they knew? My mom did know. And my mom was very... She was like, you aren't going to do that. And I was like, I'm not. She knew I was. And then at the dinner, and then at some point, his mom was like, do you guys mind sharing a room?

And you were like, thank God. Dude, the whole... You think his mom was trying to hook it out? No. The hookup on like, oh, I guess we do have to share a room is so hot. Yeah. Have you ever had sex with somebody where their parent is in the room? No.

That's the hottest thing you can do. I've blown a guy while two of our classmates were in the bed next to ours. On a school trip. Did you want to, though, Ian? Yeah. You did? So badly. But classmates, I mean, that's, you know, that's something.

But a parent. Yeah, I've done that. That's stuck. Wait, I think, is it your, was it your parent or? His, his. I think if you're the guy. Did he do while his parent was in the room? His dad was slumbering.

His dad was slumbering. It's one thing. Well, we know you wouldn't wake him up with kissing noises. If the girl and it's my parent, that's so scary. Yeah. But wouldn't it be scary for you if your dad was in the thing? Oh, no. I mean, it'd be weird and I wouldn't want him to wake up.

Wait, why is it scarier, though? I just think because it's like, you know, because once you cross that barrier, it's like, well, what's next? This is kind of a weird boundary. It's like, oh, you're getting laid, you know. He may not have that reaction. But you don't have the same feeling I do as to my dad, which would be like it's perverted. But if it's like if it's your dad in the room,

then it just feels like the guy. What if your mom was in the room? I'm lost. I'm not into any of these scenarios. Yeah, yeah, I totally get that. To be clear, you're not in. You know, it's funny, my dad was cremated and his urn was in my room.

So I kind of had sex. Creamed right. Oh, yeah. Cream is a joke. Yeah, I'm kind of lost. You started, you were like, what if the mom's in the room, but the daddy doesn't know?

What if your mom was in the room while you were having sex? This sounds like a math problem for incest. I went to, I was dating a girl. We went to her dad's house for Thanksgiving and we hooked up at the house. Stalker like a turkey. Yes. And, uh, but I was like, it was exciting.

But it was like, if I get caught, I feel like he's going to kick me out of the house. Oh, you're saying for the man, it's different than for a woman. Yes, totally. Right. But if it was my dad and I was hooking up with a. girl that I brought home, you know, he's maybe like, you'd break your shoulder from him, high-fiving you so hard. Right.

Yeah, I don't think. If anything, I was like, maybe the dad will wake up and be like, into it, which would be- And try to join in. Yeah. Yeah. And then you find out the him and the son have been sharing a lot. Yeah. See?

Yeah. What? I think alike. Wow. But it wasn't wild. You know, it would be a bad scenario. Yeah, really bad. Yeah.

Bad, bad, bad, bad. Really bad. Nobody would want to be. that nobody would want that the whole doing it when you're not supposed to think is like hot it was for a while now no no no i mean i had sex in the woods like a year ago and i was i just got bug bites on my butt it just wasn't as fun as it used to be you were laying on the ground no there was a tree and it was just like why don't we go to a bed i have an apartment i pay for you know yeah wait hey yeah was it a wedding wet heat wet heat wet heat wet heat

Well, wet heat. I have a special on Netflix called wet heat. Yes, great segue. And so you only get those bugs when it's a wet heat. If you were in a dry heat, you wouldn't have them. Nashville, wet heat. Well, she's on Prozac, so there's a lot of dry heat down there. But the dry air not going to help you.

No. No. But you can perform in public like that. It wasn't public. It was like in the woods. We're at in the woods. Like, yeah, how far in? Queens.

It was Queens. It wasn't that deep in. There were people. Or I don't know. What woods are in Queens? Like Forest Hill. Would you see a pigeon? You're like, we're in the woods.

Fuck me. What are you talking about? That's crazy. Oh, I saw a tree waiting for the seven. We're in the woods. You're right. It was a tree. It was a tree in Queens.

It was a tree in Queens. Yeah. I don't know. That's awesome. Yeah. A lot of car sex used to be into that. Cannot. It's performance anxiety.

Oh, really? Yeah. Got to take a little blue chew promo code Sky. 50% off. Five bucks. Free shipping. I've done some car action.

Yeah. Blue chew. Blue two. Lucy breakers. 15% off. I'm getting a lot of my friends hooked. So send it to me for free because I am still paying.

There's three empty packets? Oh, these are full. These are my just in cases. Oh, that's three just in cases. That's psychotic. You build up a potato. I'm not going to pull any punches. That may not be the ad they're looking for, huh?

Yeah, I know, I know. You need three, and then you have to wear sunglasses because your eyes are bleeding. Don't look at me. Like a stigmata. That's crazy. Do you take three? No.

Ian, that's, you need to clear. You are a special. Well, what's happening? Does he? That looks. Bungongong. Remember that live show we did at Zanis? Oh, yeah.

You guys do the help? You guys do the help in the audience. That was fun. That was crazy. I had no idea. The fans that come to your show. Yeah, goblins. They're wild.

Really weird trans. I like them too, but they're wild. Yeah. I didn't see it coming. Yeah, you didn't even know that breed existed there. Those tubby, like, those tubby tubbersons, tub scouts, those little chubber bubbers. There's only a couple fatties. There's a lot of fatties.

It was a good show, though. And there's some mush mouth and some fatties. Yeah, super fun. We're going to take the show on the road this winner. Okay. Yeah. I'm not putting my hand up. Get a case of blue chues and...

The road. Dude, what if we got a sprinter van sponsored by Blue Choo and Lucy Breakers and energy drinks? Yeah. What's a Lucy breaker? It's like a Zinn. Oh, okay. You zin? No.

Zippics. Zipix is a new thing. I like cigars, but I'm, yeah, it's too hot for cigars. Zipix is a new thing. It's nicotine. Toothpick. Toothpics. Oh.

It's been helping me cut down my. That's great. What are you down to? Really. We're not less than before. That's good. Nicotine. Oh, yeah, I like that.

Yeah, dude. The cinnamon flavor is amazing. Let's bring toothpicks back. There should be more guys walking around with toothpicks in their mouth. I think he might be getting a toothpick Yeah Yeah They should be more of that

Yeah You don't see that You remember the There was a movie with Sylvester Stallone Where he walked around With a match in his mouth The whole time

Oh yeah What was that? Maybe he's called Cobra or something And that was to not smoke I don't know And at the very end of the movie He likes the match And I think kills the bad guy that way

That's cool Yeah I gotta go back and watch movies Sylvester Stallone had the best The best action movies he was the what I just watched Rocky on the airplane

oh the first Rocky it's really good is the best movie ever made the weird girl in the pet store that he wears down yeah that seems weird yeah that was weird yeah

yeah he really wears her down and I'm bringing toothpicks back yeah we can just do ads we don't have to do this but I will take one my uncle

always had a toothpick in I'm gonna take one to go my dad had a toothpick when you try to quit smoking. Good, right? It is good. It feels good. Can you do it, flip it over?

Oh, the long way. It's hard to, oh, Uncle Buck had a scene. Remember that movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very reminiscent of, you'll never fuck with the Jesus. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the original. Jesus is like pal in an alternate.

That is true. Who's pal and Uncle Buck? They went to the Bowlin alley. Oh, yeah. And then the teenage girl is. Kid on, but, yeah. Dude, John Candy, one of the best of all time. That was his best movie, I think.

I really think it was his best. And Uncle Buck just kind of gets listed as some kind of comedy, but it was a great movie. Yeah. Incredible movie. John Candy's the best. Yeah. He is the best. He's great.

He's a warm, warm man. It's real sad. There was a, there was a, I think a documentary or something with Steve Martin, and he got choked up still talking about John Candy. Yeah. And I think that's so beautiful to have such. a long-lasting memory within your friends and the people in your life, heart attack.

From fat. Maybe fat, cocaine. COVID. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. I hope not.

Let's not put that out there. I mean, his name was candy. Oh, I thought he was. Huh? I thought he was. I thought he was a bit of a boozer and a... Really? He probably, he was probably so much fun on Coke.

Could you imagine? They called him John Nose candy. Yeah, yeah. I just did that joke. But you didn't say nose candy. Yeah, but I was, It was inside. I knock them down.

I knock them down and then you stomp on them. And then I set it up for us to knock it down. You got to keep setting it up. Keep knocking it down. Yeah. Don't let a good joke die. Keep tagging it up. Tag it up.

I wouldn't call that a tag. I would call it a reiteration redundancy almost. You're working it out. Yeah. You're really working out the joke. Okay. Here on the pod and they take that to the stage. I still don't know if I agree with that as what that was, but I hear you.

Next time you're at you go, you start doing that joke. John nose candy because he's doing a lot of Coke. Well, you said candy in terms of like he was fat and he liked candy. No, I meant nose candy. I took it nose candy for Coke once I found out he liked Coke. You could go any dirt, you know, John candy bars if you want. Yeah, but he said Coke and I said his last name was candy. Of course he did Coke.

I was implying the nose candy. You know what I mean? I may not be current on all the information that's coming into my brain. And I may have thought that your candy was a reference to his food. No. And I would not intentionally steal. But if we could go back to the clip. We'll go back and they'll see that it's clearly a reference to Coke.

You know, the clown and Uncle Buck was the bad guy and dumb and dummy. I think either way, really? He elevated the joke. I think so. Yeah. Sure. No. No.

Sure. I think we should try it. Let's take it to the stage. Okay. Let's try it. Oh. John knows candy. John Candy more like John knows candy

Yeah Because he knows all about candy Right It's a different angle We could take with it Knows candy Yeah Bars. Yeah

Yeah It's a whole sentence we're right This is good John knows candy Claire The Booker from New York Comedy Club Candy E Clairs

He got E Clairs a lot Because he was fat Yes and Clares was his favorite jewelry store for young teens. Because he was a pete- No, no, don't tell that about John Candy.

We can't start that. He wasn't John, come to my van, I had candy. I don't mind if John Candy's doing a little Coke here and there, but I don't want any accusations of that. Actually, let's persmurch. Steve Martin, come on the pond

and talk to us about. John Candy's a sweet, sweet man. He had none of the evil in him. When people die, you go, they had a little evil in them. They were famous. He didn't have the evil. I don't think so either. There is a story that people talk about about him helping, like the crew load in some stuff one time.

Yes. But they say it like, oh, it's just so nice. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, that's just kind of a normal thing. Yeah. Also, I'm like, I don't want to help the crew load in things. And I'm not even John Candy famous. But I don't, like I used to do improv at this place. And then they would, at the end of the night, they would want us to all help take out the trash.

And I would go, not while the audience is still. here. That's a good point. When the audience is gone, I'll help you take out the trash. But I'm not performing for people and then they see me carry trash cans. As a performer, I will help when I want to help. Yes. Don't be like we need the performers to do this. No, no.

I will help. I'll be gladly to help. But let me trick myself I abuse every luxury I'm given. Yeah. And this is why... I mean, it's just crazy. Like, if my rider isn't there, which is blueberries, I mean, you should see, I'm like, where's the blueberries? I don't throw a fit, but I do think. Oh,

I do think that poor people should stay poor and rich people should stay rich. Because when you go from poor to rich, you are maniacal. You are maniacical. I'm maniacal. Yeah. You got to cool it on that. You do see it sometimes when people make a little money and then they go. I'm like that.

Yeah, they get it. I don't know what I'm like. I'm not. I've heard. You have not. I give so much money to the staff, but I do not like. You give a lot of money to the staff? Yeah.

Yeah, but I heard that that kind of money doesn't. make up for the behavior you put people. But it's fine. You're making it up. No, no, it's fine. You know what I'm saying? When I'm self-deprecating, that doesn't mean you pile on with your made-up bullshit, okay? You go with the joke. You do not pile on and you're illegal. I'm making it up. You are making it up. Like, for example, one time I called my manager and I was like, I need this toilet seat cleaned before I get in there because there was dark piss on it every night.

I will do that. Wait. At the club? But how many toilet seats have I cleaned in my life for a job? millions. Wait, wait, wait. There was a bathroom at the club and you called your manager to tell them to get the club to clean up. There was dark piss on the toilet seat every night. So why didn't you just ask someone like fresh? Because because I have a little bit of money now and I've become a tyrant. Well, let me ask you that. I don't want to ask how much money you're given. But when you see you give a lot of money to the staff, I just want to know how that's working. What do you, because I'm always worried that I'm going to leave and people think I'm cheap. Uh, I've heard that. Yeah. It depends on.

A lot of people have said that. Old dusty pockets. I'll be like, so I want, you know, I'm just wondering like when you say I give a lot of money I'll give a bunch to the server who's serving me, right? Like 100 a night. And then however many nights I'm there.

And then I'll be like, take 500 off and give it to people. Get out of here. No, you don't. Yes, I do. What do you mean? Why not? You do? Yeah.

It still does an excuse If everybody's doing that, people are saying I'm cheap Nobody's doing that, I'm an asshole So you're doing it like an indulgence Oh, see, I'm very nice To pay up I don't like Oh, see, I'm very nice

So I think they don't I'm not an asshole, but I am like, I need the blueberry They're like difficult We're paying our rent in Dusty's kindness Yeah, I've heard that Yeah I heard that Your landlord's pissed

You're nice to everybody You talk to each and every staff You know I don't talk to every But I don't like if they talk to me I talk to them Yeah of course Wave to people and say I have a dog that comes in there

I'm sure that's not a burden That's what I'm saying It is a burden I You know what I mean I'm being like can you bring carrots for my dog No are you for real Dude come on

Don't do that Oh yeah Don't do that What do you mean It's her special day No it's not nice to do that you bring the carrots it's your dog I eat some of the carrots

so that you should bring them your own I give them money at the end of the night because I've asked for the carrots you think it's okay to ask for carrots They usually have carrots on them because they got wings I don't make them go get them I say do you guys have carrots if they say yes I go can I have some

and then I feed them to my dog No it's not in my rider I need carrots Oh if you were making them get dog food That would be harder to No Yeah because it'd have to I did ask the club last week And I was like, can anybody get me some Zins?

Oh, yeah. I went to, I opened for John Lovitz and John Lovitz has a dog. And we went, we actually had a good time. But I, we went to eat after the show, two nights in a row. And it was me and the club manager and John Lovitz and his dog at a booth. And he would order his dog a little bowl of chicken. Crazy. Oh, we all ate and we all sat at the boot.

The four of us set at the booth. And the dog sat there like a human. That is how I am. That is how I am. Crazy behavior. I have so many. pictures of Coyote sitting at the booth with. There's nothing that makes me laugh harder

than a dog or a cat sitting at like a family dinner table being like this meal displeases me. Just like I am not satisfied with what is before me. What kind of dog does he have? It's a small one. I don't know. I tell you a hilarious John Lovett story.

I was headlined in Pittsburgh Improv. I was doing late shows. He was doing the early shows. It was like a split weekend. Great club. He is one of my favorites in the country. Shout out. Pittsburgh Improv. John Lovitz. Not a fan. We hung out outside of there one time.

Well, you... Uh-uh. Yeah. You had a bad experience with an audience. Oh, you were doing the improv. I was doing... I did the Pittsburgh improv and I got assaulted. You didn't get assaulted.

You got yelled at. I got yelled out. And assault is different than yelling. So... I didn't like it. You had a poor experience with an audience member, but that's not reflective of the club. They didn't kick him out.

He was screaming at me about trans people. And he had a trans date who loved me. Well... Transstate stayed. then everything worked out the way it was supposed to and that's not reflective of the clothes. No, because it was one of those situations where like a teacher yells at you

and you get really mad back and then later you cry. You don't have a code word to tell the staff to take people out. I say I wish that you weren't here. My code word is they need a glass of milk. Oh, yeah, I like that. Have you ever used it?

No, I should have one time. Do you have a code word? No, I just go. Please remove them. I've actually said, you kick this guy out. It's not happening very many times. You're just like dancing and you're like, no, I'm an adult.

The guy was just would not stop and it was ruining the show. I was like, if you were fun and I could joke around with you, then it would be fun, but you're not being fun. Yeah. You're just ruining the show. Just relentless. So eventually I had to be like, will you kick this guy out? Yeah.

And then they did and the show was great. Yeah. Yeah. Did everybody clap? That's what I hate. Whenever he claps is they leave. I don't know that they did because I don't. think that they thought the show could be good until he was gone.

Oh, gotcha. And then the show started to be really good. There's a collective energy that goes on that people can't pick up on. Yeah, they thought that I was just being bad at comedy. It's so weird how one person's attitude and demeanor can permeate an entire crowd of people. And it's not like people are deciding. It's just, it's weird, man. It's like contagious.

You got to get that cancer around. You ever have a fainter? Oh, yeah. I've had a couple of people fainted. I had a blind guy get carried out the other night in Indianapolis. I want to know the John Lovett story. Oh, yeah. Pittsburgh Improv.

He's doing the early shows. You're doing the late shows? Yes, he's doing early shows. I'm doing late shows. My shows are sold out. He is taking after the show, striking where his piano is going to go on for the next night. But he's taking his time. And my show, it was supposed to start at 915.

He did not start until, I'd say maybe 10. Like they started loading it was wintertime people were lined up in the cold and I'm like this is fucking insane This is so disrespectful and so fucking rude. I don't give a fuck who he is I'm going in the green room and I'm telling him like hey man this is like really rude and you're making people wait And I go in the green room and he walks in I go hey man he goes hello And I go hey John I'm a really big fan That's awesome And I go, hi John, I'm Ian.

I'm a really big fan. He goes, Ian, I thought you said you were a big fan. And I was like, I love you. And then he watched my set. And the next night in the green room, he goes, so you're bisexual. Does that mean you pay for sex? And I said, yeah. And it's turning me into a debt sexual.

And he goes, that's good. And I was like, oh, I can die happy now. I love you. Yeah. Dude, I was stumped. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. Hello. He's great.

I did a few weekends with him. The first time I worked with him, I was doing a full weekend, Thursday night. I don't know what happened. He bombed. The audience hated him. The audience was coming out. They were like, you should have been the headliner. Oh, God.

Well, you wouldn't have come at that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the next five shows, he got standing ovation. No way. So I don't know what happened on that one weird show. Did he deliver it the same? Was he drunk? Was he?

I don't know. What made him get the standing ovation? Well, he does. He used to do this long song. I don't know what he does now, but he used to do a long. Song, right? Medley of songs about how Bob Sagitt's gay.

Oh, right. And then Bob Sagitt died. So I don't know what he did. Yeah. But, you know, people love it. It's just a long, he just does a bunch of different. you know, hey Jude, he goes, gay Bob.

Maybe they thought it was disrespectful about Bob Sagint, and that's why they hated him. Oh, maybe. Was Bob dead? He was alive at the time. Yeah. He's beloved. Yeah.

Maybe. But just all the Thursday people? That's the vibe thing. Yeah. That's the vibe. In Lexington, Kentucky, I don't, that's where it was. I don't even know that. They can read about Bob's second.

I love Lexington. That's funny. Great town. Shout out. So your special wet heat is out now on Netflix. What is it? What is it? Tell us about it. Well, you know, well, it's, I said, what is it comprised of?

Well, it's, um, I said, what is it comprised of? It's, uh, well, you know, it's, uh, I got working man out there that came out a year and a half ago. And it's, you know, it's that, but new jokes. Great. And, you know, and it's like, I'm sold. It's a weird way to describe it, right? But it's like, working man did very. very well. People liked it. So it's like, it's, you know, I'm just doing more jokes. I think it's

better. I think it's funnier. Why? Well, because I had 30 minutes of that when I recorded Working Man. Yeah. So I had an hour and a half. So I had 30 minutes. So I just created another 30 30 minutes. And then it got so tight. I was ready to record the thing months before. Let's go. But I kept tightening. I got a lot of callbacks. I got some improv moments in the special. I thought of some jokes on the spot that ended up being great. I love that. I saw you run your special or your set for Tonight Show. Oh, yeah.

A while back. And it was very funny. But then to watch you actually do it and have like a different job that I always love when when I see the final product and there's something like new that they, you didn't see before. I think that's my favorite joke. What? This is your deal joke. What is it? Oh, it's about buying some DVDs at a flea.

market just joel jordan you do the joke as dusty the joke coming to the stage justy slay isn't there a girl actually named justy justy dodge yeah but you're jordan dusty what what is the deal though it's two two for two for shit three DVDs for five dollars justy what three DVDs for five dollars is what it is so i you wanted to get four for ten i wanted to get six yeah three for five six for ten yeah she rang it up And she's like, that'll, you know, that'll be, I don't know. She started doing math noises, like she was like, ah, and he does a whole act out of her. And then he goes, this is your deal.

Yeah, I go, I go three for five, you know, six for ten. And she goes, well, I guess. And it's like, nah, this is your deal. Yeah. I'm just doing your thing. I'm not bargaining with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that joke.

I love that joke because it's just him telling the story. And it's so funny. Yeah, that was my first Tonight Show. And that did very well for me. Yeah. But yeah, you know, when I saw you at the comedy seller, it's like, I don't do that room a lot, right? So that room makes me very nervous. I don't get nervous a lot.

And doing the seller makes me nervous. Yeah. And two times ago, I just put out my working man special. And so the guy bringing me up goes, and Dave Chappelle had just put out a special. Yeah. And so they go, all right, next comic. We got a special guest. drop in. He just put out a Netflix special. Give it up for Dusty Slay. And it felt like the air

left the road. Oh, yeah. And I think I bombed for three minutes. By the end, I got them. So they were on board. So this last time I go, just say from Nashville. Don't say anything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just say from Nashville. Yeah. Yeah. This next comic, there was a comedy club. He just opened up in Ohio. Yeah. Yeah. I almost. Which is near Nashville, where this comic is from. Yeah, yeah. I almost want him to go. This guy sucks.

I don't know how he got on the show. Yeah, here he is. This guy's got a gun. Yeah, yeah. He's been in the back pacing. I hate going up last at the seller. Please. I go up there and I immediately apologize every time.

I'm like, I'm sorry. You were hoping certainly for a famous person and definitely for a man. And I'm really sorry that I'm here right now. I would be mad. If I do last on a showcase, I like to go, I'm just here to get you ready for bed. You know, we don't want to leave you too fired up. I'm just trying to settle you down. That's fun.

Get ready for the car. I got to think of something fun to say. Yeah. I know you're here. But now I am. My name's Ian. Get ready. Hey, y'all.

I guess the idea is that you just would be confident in yourself to crush at the end. But somehow I'm like, no, I don't. That's why I haven't thought of any of your little tricks that you guys pull. You have to acknowledge it. You blue choose and you're like, I'm good to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's a trick. Yeah. Next six hours, I'm good.

You don't take three. No, I had them in my pocket. I will say sometimes if you take one and you don't get to step in soon, it goes away and you kind of feel like you have a ghost penis. Like your penis doesn't exist. Kind of like edibles. If it didn't kick in right away, do another. Double up. Yeah, yeah.

So then you're going to take another. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then you also, with the edibles, feel like you have a ghost penis. Hello! Wait, why do you feel like a ghost be this? Because it's like you didn't get, you didn't use it so then it's like

extra not going to work. Okay. It's mad at you. It's mad. He's not working and he's not collecting unemployment. He's not putting in any resumes anywhere either. I was promised sex here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's just me in a bathroom going, I promise, buddy. Give me time. Give me time. Okay, you put out, you put this special out, you recorded it in Chattanooga. Yes. And how long after this is your, from the other one? It's about a year and a half since the last one.

That's good. That's fast. I feel good. I got a new hour now. I'm on tour. I got a new hour from that. I'm ready to go. When did you record this? In, I don't know, February maybe. Matt would know that info more than. You should call the one there. this wet heat too. I should

the wetter, the better. Wet heat too does sound good. Yeah, you know, make it a sequel. Keep it going. Yeah. That is cool. Wet heat too. Mm-hmm. Wetter the better. Yeah. A wetter heat. Whoa. A hotter wet. A hotter wet. Dusty gave me all of my advice on stand-up every step of the way he told me what to do.

Yes. Oh, that's so nice. He told me all of the open mics to go to. He told me how to sell merch. He told me how to reach out to bookers. Really? Yes. That's so nice. Look at how it's going. I know. But, you know, I did tell you one time. No one told me anything and my aunt stole money from me. Yeah.

You asked me about doing a special and you were like, I want to do it in one take. And I said, I think that's a great idea. And then you did, you know, and probably wasn't the best. It would have been better than what I did. If it wasn't for those kids. It would have been better than what I did. Wait, what are you talking about? I mean, I do two takes 30 minutes.

But I like the idea. You did two sets. I know. But if I had done one take and put it out myself, it would have been better than the unholy mashup that is the 30-minute gas digital half hour. Oh. You know what I mean?

I like the idea of one tag because you're like, this is, now I do too. Yeah. But I like the idea of a raw, like here we are. Yeah. We're doing a show. I wish I had done that. Josh Johnson is releasing like a new hour every week

on like one specific topic. It's like crazy. Yeah. I think I'm going to just release a fucking 20 minute thing every week. Yeah. If you're doing five shows just straight. He's getting like a million views every time. Yeah.

It's just content. Yeah. It's just so much content. It's just so much content. I just don't know that I would want to put an audience through a new hour for me every week. I just, my, the whole reason I love comedy is because I chisel jokes out of marble for so long. And then I present them and I'm like, look, I made this over the course of a long time to just throw it out and be like, look, I wrote this last night.

It's like, it's cool that you did that, but it doesn't have the same. I mean, I'm sure he's doing it much better than I would. But if I put out a new hour every week, it would not get millions of years. Yeah, and let me tell you, I've been watching them. They're not that good. And on the show now, we have Josh Johnson. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I set that up for the Josh Johnson show. I have not watched them, but my mom has impeccable taste and she really loves Josh. Really? Yeah. I think he is prolific. I think he has that type of brain, totally. But it's not the way my brain merges. Mine is scrambled eggs with like a little bit of bacon in it.

And I have to collect all the bacon out of the eggs and then make a pork. Mine is more, let's put all the ingredients in one thing. Yeah, everything bagel style. Eat it and then whatever. It's all shit in the end. Who cares? Yeah, when I saw you at the cellar that time, you had a wild set, but it did really well. I mean, you crushed.

Oh, you're very sweet. Thank you. Well, you know, it's, yeah, I mean, it's, you really get in there. Yeah. Really leave it all on the line. Yeah. I like it. That's my favorite part of stand-up.

It's not comedy like I do at all, but I like it. I like to see people. Like, Neil Hamburger is one of my favorites. I just, it's so weird and it's just like. Who's Neil Hamburger? I don't think he puts out a ton of stuff. But he's like, he was one of the first, like, alt. Yeah, there's a, it's an album called Hot February Night.

And it's, uh, he's open. for Tenacious D. It's so good. And it's just weird. I always tell people to look him up. Watch a video first. You know what he looks like. You see his manner.

Okay. And then listen to the album. It's like this weird, all-indy anti-comedy. Like, it was, it was like everyone that was too smart for the room, it was his favorite comic. It's, I love it so much. What do you feel about Bo Burnham? Bo Burnham, I like.

I like him a lot. Yeah. I think Bo Burnham, the way you feel about Neil Humberger, I feel about it. Bo Burnham. Well, it's two different things. When he goes underground and then just emerges with something incredible, it's crazy. It's crazy. And like his singing and like, it's so on point.

I love country music, but that pandering song that he does on an album, that's so good. Yeah. Did you ever see the Paul Provinso, Green Room with Paul Provinzo with him and a couple of the comics? And he's kind of like the younger guy. And it's like all these older comics. I think I saw some clips from that. Why don't you do one of your little songs? Oh, yeah.

And he just goes into it and levels the room. And all the comics that were there that were kind of skeptical, they were like, this is amazing. Yeah. And it was so cool to see them get on board and him win them over in that moment. I thought that was great. Yeah, I remember watching him on YouTube, new math. Yeah. New math, like a tampon string or like a tampon I had to pull some strings.

Remember that in his little, in his bedroom? My parents think I'm gay or something like that. Yeah, he was, he is a prodigy. I think he's very tortured. Yeah. Yeah. I want to give him a hug. I don't think he'd like that.

What if I wore a costume? Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Yeah, he's great. Dusty's great. We have to wrap it up. Yeah, Dusty's fantastic. I appreciate you having me.

This is very nice. You're very wonderful and fun. Wet heat is out now on Netflix. No, Netflix. Woo! Sounds like where a wet heat would be. Yes. Yeah.

Where could people see you? give some road dates. Why is it wet heat? Oh, it's, you know, well, I like the, I like the name because you don't really know what it is. It sounds like, yeah, like a late night TV show where there's a little sex, a little later, or like a buddy cop film in Miami.

Yeah, he too. But it's basically a weather joke. That's great. Yeah. Because I live in the South. It's basically humid. Yes. Yeah.

And then you go out to Denver or, no, you go out to Phoenix and they're like, yeah, but it's a dry heat. And they're not. like act like their heat's better than mine. Yeah. Yeah. I go, I like a wet heat. Is that a little bit of a preview of what we're going to see if we see wet heat?

Because if so, I'm watching. It is. But it's a hot special. It's good. I mean, I'm like joke heavy. I'm all about the jokes. There's no filler in there. I'm not wasting time.

All killer. No filler. A lot of callbacks. Complete thing. Feels good. Awesome. I got a country music song breakdown. Hardworking man by Brooks and Dun.

Yes. I want to break down Tim McGrath's What's this song that's like Um Don't know what Somebody asked me today About a Tim McGraw song called

Don't Take the Girl Telling me I should break that one down Because it's like perverse You break down You break down it's 5 o'clock It's 5 o'clock somewhere And a couple Travis No what's the song he's like

I'm an Indian outlaw, my own, chuketal. That's what it's called. Yeah. There's a lot of that. Jim Morrison did that too. Dude, Jim McRall just assumes the identity of Native America. People do that. I'm an Indian outlaw, half Cherokee and Chalktoe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My baby, Chippewa. Yeah. Yeah. My baby, Chippewa. Yeah. All my friends call McBearclaw. Yeah.

Dillets Chiefs and is my pawpaw. Pick a tall. I like it. That's been a little while. I like it. Dude, driving through Oklahoma, blasted that song. It's a song I bet Tim McGrath's not doing on tour these days. Yeah.

He should. I don't know. Because I bet it made people feel seen. I think so. You get one Native American who's into that. You're good. You're good to go. One brown guy who's like, you're good.

Across America. Yeah. You know, Hank Williams. If you get one brown guy that likes that song, I say chain him up. Bring him on tour. Let people see that he likes it. Hank Williams, what? Hey, Williams has a song, too.

Chalk Tall Maiden, I think. Now, that's Merle Hagger. Tyler Childers has Native American songs, right? Yeah. But there's one by Hayd Williams, that it's a... The First American Museum in Oklahoma fucking Rips. You ever been? The what?

No. First American Museum in Oklahoma City. It's like the history of the native people. It's really fucking depression, but beautiful. go if you get a chance Oklahoma City what do you got September 9th my Netflix special drop September 9th

all right take me with you take me with you get me out of here yeah watch that putting in your calendar right now putting your little Google cow send me a screenshot of you putting it in your

Google Cal that's exciting thank you so much wouldn't have happened without you thus that's not true but I took me on the road I'm telling you, dude. Pretend you guys are siblings and kiss. Well, siblings. She doesn't do kissing with siblings.

I don't do kissing. Yeah, I'll have to back into you. Watch what he. I'm very excited to watch it. And I got a tour, Dustyslate.com. I have to wait to watch it with Jake. Awesome. My friend.

Yeah. Because we, you know, you know Jake. We hung out and you're the reason I bought these shoes. Oh, yeah. We were in Pittsburgh. We went shopping, and I was like, I need new shoes. Yeah. And you got me fired up about shoes.

Are you the reason I buy the dick sporting good socks, the best socks that's ever bought? No, you already telling me about that. Okay, okay, okay. I love those socks, though. Yeah, but I was there when you bought those shoes. Yeah. We're connected. Well, what do you guys?

Jake was there too. We don't have a connection, really, but I do have dates. But I'm just saying that's how cool your special is that it's like when you want to go see a movie, but a friend's like, don't watch you without me. Yeah. That's what your special is. Yeah, which is great. Ian Fidance.com for all my dates.

I animal 6.9 on Instagram. YouTube.com slash that. And well, Ian Fidance comedy is where all my stand-ups going. That's where my travel show. Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs is coming out on. I've got like eight episodes I filmed. It's coming out in seasons. It's fucking awesome.

Subscribe to that. Subscribe to that. Subscribe to that. I will release it once I get a certain amount of subscriptions. And Patreon.com slash be an Eam pod for bonus episodes, early episodes, and a bunch of more stuff. Thank you guys for tuning in. We love you, Dussie.

Thanks for hanging out. Thank you. Yeah. Appreciate it. See you next time. Bye-bye.