Bein' Ian With Jordan - Mom Wars W/Brendan Sagalow | Bein' Ian with Jordan #198

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

Everyone's favorite white boy SAGDADDY joins Ian & Jordan to mind meld, talk about comedy, & officiate a call between Gale & one of Jordans 12 moms. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -For a limited time, Bein' Ian fans get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, & 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://mengotomars.com/ -Get 10 free meals + a free Nutribullet Ultra Plus+ 2-in-1 Compact Kitchen System on your 3rd box at http://HelloFresh.com/ska10FM Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Follow Brendan! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guess what? Lucky you. Enjoy all the benefits on Patreon now on Punchup. Punchup.L. Live slash be and Ian with Jordan. Get tickets and content in the same place on Punchup. Yeah. Punch up. Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride.

When you be in Ian, coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. So while ride. When you're being in. And life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live alive. Being Ian with Jordan. Because I'm about to get my period.

One, two, three, boat. Period. Boat, period. Okay. One, two, three. Titanic. What? I don't know.

I'm not really good at mind melts, to be honest. Me and Caroline do them because we'll do the wordle in the morning sometimes. And we thought of another way to, like, do the wordal, which is we try to mind meld, and then we'll put the five-letter word into the wordel. That's hard to guess a five-letter word. We do it sometimes. Wow. But sometimes you give up.

You go, just put drink. Okay. So what I say? I said SS. And what did you say? Titanic. Okay. Ready?

Want to go? One, two, three. Rose. Rose in war. Sounds like a tattoo Ean would get. One, wait. Hold on. Rosen war.

Rose and war. Okay, one, two, three. Thorn. Couldn't even think of anything, huh? Okay, so Thorn and F. Okay, one, two, three. Cat. Okay.

Cat, what's a thicket? It's like a bush. Oh, okay, okay. Okay. One, two, three. Hide. Hide and lost. Ooh.

Oh. One, two, three. Seek. Seat. Seek. Like a seek? Oh, I thought you meant like a seek. Like a seek.

Okay, seek and seat. Seat and seek. Okay. One, two, three. System. Under? I don't know, dude. I'm not good at the pressure.

Okay, we're going off the dome. Free your mind. Free my mind. Good luck. Okay, ready? My mind is so not free, dude. My mind's ballastown. Ready?

One, two. What did you say? What did you say? Okay. Okay, okay. Free my mind, free my mind, free my mind. Okay. And we're just new words at this point, right?

Yeah. Okay. One, two, three. Wind. What'd you say? Wind. Whoa. Wow.

Okay. One, two, three. Forest. Native American. Okay. Forest and Native American. One, two, three. T.P.

Okay. One, two, three. Death. White death. White death. One, two, three. Suicide. I don't know why that really tickles my funny a bone.

Plague. Just someone coming in to a two-person game and just. Plague. Plague. I tried to mind-mell. I thought you said Blake. Wait, let's mind-melt. What are we doing about this?

You know, Lewis thinks you guys stole the mind-melt thing from him. Yeah, Lewis is a retard. It's an improv. Yeah, do you want my booker? We used it. It's an improv game. They took it from an improv game. I didn't even know that they did.

Yeah, nobody knows that they did it. And then everybody stole it from us. Yeah, ours got like a lot of traction, especially on Black Twitter. These two white motherfuckers be mind-melded? We blew up on Black Twitter. This type of shit white people do when they get time. Dude, black Twitter loved the Mindmeld. Like, this real connection, this how you know they're in love.

And then we went viral on Black Twitter. for when you spit my mouth, and they were like, white people's devils and jekylls. They spit in each other's mouths and they smelled like dog. Did I ruin the vibe? No, no, we were just doing, we're just playing. All right, choose a word. Okay.

You look like a beaver. You look like the Chuckies. You'll be the person and we'll do the. Yeah. Okay. First letter. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Son. And if you know what I'm thinking, you can say, not thing. Okay, okay, got it. Contact, three, two, one, moon.

The next letter. What's the next letter? E. Okay, okay. Bleeding. One, two, one, menstrual. Menstrual menstruate is not the same. That is different things.

I think it is menstruate, though. No. M.E. Go. Okay. Okay. Think about me. Why?

Because it has something to do with me. Dementia. Okay. Oh, wait. Say contact when you have it. I don't know what word you're thinking of. Dementia. Dementia.

Oh. Three, two, one. Mentor. Fuck. Fuck. Damn. We're not good at this, though. We never think of the same shit.

Okay. Okay. I'm locked in, though. Okay. Okay. Okay. History past. History past?

Yeah. Contact. Um. Okay. One, two, three. Memory. Oh. T.

M-E-T. Okay. Oh, subway. Subway. Okay. Wait. If you know what it is, you say not. All right.

I don't know what you is. One, two, three, metal. What the fuck? When I move my face, my ear goes, damn. That's good. Metro. My other doctor friend, Dr. Bill, told me you put a cockroach in there and it choose the wax.

Oh, that's awesome. That's the oldest. That's like old medicine. It's like leech. I don't want to play this game anymore. You were right with your word. Metal. Mental.

Close to what it is. Metal. mentally ill. Metallica. Metallica. Oh. You guys want to brain melt? I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to play this game anymore. I want to talk. Okay. All right. What do you want to talk about? I would love to promote my book. Yeah, check out one time over the well.

It's a self-help book. It's about... Are you going to plug it like Louis did? I didn't even write the book. The protagonist did. I didn't even write it. The book reads like this. Yeah, yeah.

It came from my head and I asked him, I went, Brent, I went, what happened next? And he said, and he said, so I wrote that down. So that I wrote that down. What? Waiting for you guys to keep riffing. He did say that.

He went, he went, I don't even know how to read. Diarrhea in my eyes. I don't know how to read out of my cunt. Ray in the eyes is a symptom of Indian gold. Oh, damn. Gone too far. What if I started going by the stage name Brendan Garg? Wouldn't that be funny?

I'll introduce you on stage, ready? This next comedian can be seen hitting, using a staff to corral a bag of snakes. Give it up for Brendan Garg. I'm just going to do my act This is just my act You know And I have you did go Yeah

All right No but enough about Zarnah Okay Stop making fun of her man You brought it up No You did Zarnah as Patrice Is your middle name Patrick

No it should be though Doesn't Shouldn't it feel like it Paul Scott Yeah Scott Is it Scott Stewart Yeah I have two middle names Brendan Scott Stewart

Sagalow That's me Brendan Scott What's your middle name? What's your middle name? Yeah, shit. My mouth! My mouth!

Finally! Jordan Cunt, Jensen. Cundt. What is your middle name? Yes. Ray. I bet it's like Gail or something. That's my mom's name, you cunt.

I should be so lucky. I forgot. I forgot that it was your mom's name, dude. Gail's a great name. That's my aunt's name. Yeah. My aunt. My aunt.

Auntie. Fucking. Fucking New York. Yeah, Ray. Jordan Ray. Brendan Scott, Ian Thomas. Thomas. Ian Thomas Fidance.

You're Ray? Jordan Ray. That's cool. R.A.E. Jordan Ray sounds like a country singer. It's country name. Well, there's Carly Ray Jepson. Oh. Hey, I am crazy. George Ray Jetson.

Welcome to the future. I got a robot for a maid. George Ray Jepson. Come on. I like this place because you could trash it. That's what the Lamb of God said at the Paramour, Coupaicom. They were like, let's trash this place.

And you saw all of the employees just be like, please. Did they throw everything in the air? No, they were trying to get the pit to be so gnarly. It was so funny because people would crowd surf and the Paramore is so, like, professional. that a giant bouncer are just... Paramount. Paramar is in a band. The band. And they would

grab them and just pull them off. Paramount is awesome. What Paramount did you go? Oh, the Paramount Theater? Paramount. Oh, really? What is Paramour? Just a band. It also means... Paramoor is a love interest. Is that what it means? Whatever makes you like, but you gotta be in line now. I bet you guys could get her on the show.

What's that? Haley Williams. Haley Williams. That would be fucking awesome. Yeah. She's a singer in Paramour. Dude, you don't listen to Paramour? Did a whole install for her.

Install. Like she did her kitchen. Tiled her kitchen. He made her tiles in her kitchen. Did you reinstall your own brain? What hell was that? She made it. Yeah.

Dude, get Harry to talk to Haley to come and do the pod. That buddy you got it where you're buddy now. Yeah. And have me on two. Have me on two. I'll go.

Don't see that. I'm my melding. No, no, no, no. I hate that. You want to mind meld? One, two, three. Shadow and Fox. One, two, three.

Sly. Sly hole. One, two, three. Ains. I was all going to say anal. Anal whore. One, two, three. My X.

Oh. My ex. That's a true. I shouldn't say that. Things are fine. We've gone on our separate ways. Is it even an ex? You dated for like a week.

Three months. It was not three months. It was three months of total knowing each other, right? So excited about my pond. 12 feet feet. Speaking of pond, scum, my ex. No. It's all good things must end.

The Menginger said it. Yeah. On a bigger and better things. Damn, you don't fuck fat girls? And that's fun. What? Bigger and better things. Well, fuck.

Fucked the chick with an ass so wide She couldn't even get through the goddamn doff ring Shit Shit I actually did do that once I did do that once That I ain't gonna do it again Shit

Was it rape though What I try to come on fat chick What? Took me old goddamn week Well that person is known to She did What did you said

Put herself upon me in a way That made me feel uncomfortable And I did it because I felt Like pressure For that I know But I'm not going to be like, oh, I'm great. No, don't.

Uh-oh, the lying sound went off. But I wasn't raped. She did come over. She was like, she was like, I don't got AC in my house. And I was like, I have Central Air. She's like, so you're going to come home and fuck me in that Central Air? And I was like, well, God damn. That's awesome.

That does rule. And then I made like some Instagram story about like a clit or something as a joke. And she DM me and goes, I got a clit for you. I was like, Jesus. Jesus, I'm scary. You're not sweet like your name.

That's great. You got it then? Kind of. I just thought it was funny. It was my mouth about who the person is. One, two, three, milk. Milk. Spoiled milk.

Chocolate milk. You excited to do this show tonight? Yeah, you should be. That's like an honor. Why? That's nice. What are he nervous about? You're going to crush.

Bill Burr's going to give you like a great intro. You're going to have so much fun. He's not even hosting it. Yeah, he is. No, he's not. Who's hosting? He doesn't host them. He closes him.

Rich boss? Matt Richards? I think Matt Richards is going to be probably hosting it or Voss. Boss is hosting it. Richard is on it. Classic. Classic friends with Patrice. Matt Richards.

Yeah, what is that? You know, Patrice loved his white Trump. You mean black Trump You fucking white Trump is who's in the Who he is oh Chocolate Trump That's what happened nothing happened Nothing happened

Did you see Eric Kirk? Kirkk crying I'm kirking I'm kirking I'm kirking That's funny You should say that I'd say that I'd say it's funny That's so funny

Kirking out Kirking out is hilarious What is kirking out Crying out? No I don't know It's just funny to say that. Fake crying and freaking out. She was like, I just want to go home.

I'm like, why are you dressed like a bride? Dude, you know what? Fuck me. I'm not that. How you becoming a celebrity because your husband got fucking killed? She was already a celebrity. Well, she's in Israeli honeypot. I didn't know what the fuck she was.

She's a CIA sciop that used him. Oh. Oh, okay. I have some theories. Okay. Let me tell you this. Cyclops? I panicked.

Is he hearing about all that? Because I was like, I could not imagine being an active, in an active shooter situation and not being able to leave to smoke a cigarette. Oh, because they had to stay there for hours? Yeah, it's a crime scene. I think you just whip out of the same. There was a guy from New York

that just kept eating his salad. He was like, I don't know what fuck. Yeah. That's so funny. See that guy who was like, what was there a shooter in here? Oh, did you see some of the women were like stealing the bottles of wine?

Damn, people really... Like, do black people not have anything anymore? They, people really revert just to their animal instincts in an emergency. I'd steal some shit around here. Can't mean. Somebody came in here

I think I'd take This couch Remember that time we thought that guy came in? I remember that yeah I grabbed a knife Yeah Who was it? Some guy, maintenance guy

Thought he broke in Oh yeah I was here Stab him Oh you weren't No you weren't Different time Oh different time

Not the guy that was screaming And tie Remember that? Oh that was the cable guy Yeah With you and Bartley Yeah Cable tie

Cable guy Yeah That was one My favorite movies Such a good movie Can I say a secret? Can I say a secret? Yeah, sure. Chris Farley was supposed to do cable guy.

Tell you guys a secret of mine? Yeah. Chris Farley was supposed to do cable guy. That's my secret. I don't think I have a secret. Chris Farley was supposed to do like... Shrek. Hey, what do you think of these two comics sitting right next to me?

Could be better. Boring. That's if Todd Barry was Jesus. I, I died. I died for your sins. At least you could do is be funny. I love cats.

Do you want to hear perverted Todd Barry? I love cats. This is Todd Barry when he fucks a lot. I'm the most famous person inside you right now. You think I cut the corn line. What's that Batman? Anyway, it was our riff before. We were doing some Batman stuff.

Batman as Todd Barry's Batman. Batman. Todd Barry is Batman Where is Batman? Where is he? Where's the Joker? Yeah. Well, you know who has the same voice as the Joker.

What's the guy who... Jeremiah Walker? No, what's the guy who's the senator? Who used to stand up at the cellar? Was that on SNL? Al Franken. Yeah. He is the same voice.

Yeah. You just want... Oh shit. What, what? Are you okay? Do you need something? No, no, no, no. I got a missed call.

How about a kid? Who is it? Cannon. What do you say? My canon. I don't know. It was a miss call. Pick it up.

He said nothing. Put him on the pot. Joe Liz said having kids is the best thing ever. Are you supposed to have kids? Are you going to have kids? Yeah. When? That's the call I missed.

What? My wife's in the hospital. You're. Hey, you're on the Patreon of B&E. What's up? You're what? You're what? My fucking.

speaker is broken. Never mind. I'll call you back later. I'm on a podcast. Hold on. Hang up. Want me to call him? Yeah.

You call him. My fucking speaker on my phone is broken. That sucks. That sucks. It really does. It sucks. Every time I have to take a phone call, if someone wants to just chill and talk,

I'm like, yes. Oh, gosh. He's not going to pick up. I'm going to talk. That's so funny if he doesn't pick up. Second. How time you call me today?

Are you sick? My mom. Oh shit. Am I on a podcast? Yeah. You're little. Let's call my mom and see if they can figure out who. You guys should do that thing.

It sounds, if I was your mom, hold on. Hi. Speaker phone, turn it up. Hold on, mom. Chauba. Joe bye. Yep.

Hey. is this that lovely young man that I like so much what who is this who's this I cannot who are I talking to

are you with a return you're breaking up but that's not a nice word to say nobody what's this you weren't breaking I you're breaking up

I can't hear you call me back dude that was Ian that's incredible that's so funny that was Ian's mom that's so funny

we were gonna we were gonna call both of you guys and see if you could figure it out my mom's like what are you some sort of retard that is not a nice word to say me That's so funny, dude.

Your moms really are like Charlie and Max moms and always sunny. That's exactly who they are. I can't breathe. I gotta eat something. That was like when someone has two Chinese restaurants call each other. Yeah. Why you want? Who this?

Dude, that's fucking crazy. You're breaking up. What? What? Oh. Okay. What is some kind of retard? I love you. Thank you for doing that. Bye. Is this my beautiful? Can't what? Mom, we, ah, we had, ah, help. I'll be getting kidnapped. Shut up. We, I, I, I hope they get. We had you on speakerphone with Jordan's mom on speakerphone and we We were trying to get you two to talk like two dogs meeting each other for the first time.

Oh my god. Is this that would have been fun? My mom's like, what are you some sort of retard? Is this not beautiful boy I love? What are you some kind of retard? What? That's so funny. Hey, everybody.

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not against your budget, okay? So make sure you tell them that B&I and I what Jordan sent you, and that's Rula.com. slash IAN for a good bit of business that will save you a lot of money and a lot of heartache and pain in the end. Rula.com slash you in. Bye-bye. Can you hear me? That's crazy.

Yes. All right. Love you. I love you. And it's a damn good thing because you're really right. And so are those friends you with. No. We love you, Gail.

No, they love you, Gail. I love you all. That's a compliment. My mom's getting knee surgery tomorrow. Wish her luck. Good luck. Good luck. It's going to be fine.

Yeah, you're going to be great, mom. Oh, I am. I know I am. I have a great doctor. And it's robotic surgery. So see how I'm hit by I am. Yeah, bye, Olinicwoman. All right, goodbye, bionic.

Love you all. Yep, bye, bye. We love you, too. See you. That was so funny. Holy fuck. Dude, that was two animals sniffing each other.

Man, that was gold, dude. Oh my God, that was amazing. You got to be a clip of that. More people need to see that. I haven't so much pain. I haven't so much pain. Is this that beautiful boy? What?

What is? What are you? The fact that they stayed on one. That word is not nice. Oh, I know one thing, and that word is not good. Your mom's like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. My mom's talking to.

giant pit bulls right now. Oh my god. Oh, that is funny. Oh, fuck. We gotta do that with more people. Yeah. Who else should we call? That's hilarious.

Who else should we call right now from our phones and have them meet? L. Orlando pranked me on her pod the other day so I could prank her back. Have L. Orlando get called by, um, this is fucking great. L. L. Mose. Not Luke Mones. Don't do Luke.

Oh, yeah. Luke won't like that. What about we call, I call Esmail, you call Luke, and then they talk. Let me see if they can figure out who it is. Is they a best friend? What about you get someone to call Dan St. Germain? Have El Orlando call the president. Okay.

Who is this? You get, you get someone to call dancing. I'll call Dan St. Germain. You call someone else. Dan St. Germain. Yeah, it's going to be hilarious. What's going on? He's going to think the government's after him.

He's going to pack a luggage. You hear those reports? He's going to pack luggage and leave the city if that happens. John Kennedy. And Dan? John Kennedy and... You have to pick who two people you think would have a hilarious conversation of trying to be like, who is this? Who the fuck is this?

Do John Kennedy. How about this guy who in a? in Delaware. Mitch. Dude, John Kennedy and... John Kennedy. How about David Ray Adjicum?

How about the police? How about we call Ryan Adams? Brian Adams. Ryan Adams. Oh. I was like, what the fuck? Miss Pat. I don't have a number.

Miss Pat. Who is with that foolishness? Who the fuck it is? I don't got time for this. About Troy Allen. Troy Allen. You know Troy You know Troy

You know Troy You got kicked out of the seller For being creepy No The guy that got hit by a MTA train And still did sets at LOL And then he found out he couldn't collect Unemployment

Because he didn't collect He couldn't collect workman's comp Yeah Because he did sets after Yeah yeah And he would come with like A huge peg leg thing Because he had to keep his leg bent

All the time Holy fuck Yeah Let's call my grandparents' old house Did I drove Cancel doing it in two weeks. Okay, well, I have to leave after this to go drop the dog off and go to some

It's really fine. Should we call my grandparents old old number at their house that I drive by when I go see my mom and I look at and think of memories? I don't fucking know. I can't believe Canada didn't pick up. No, he didn't even try to call Cannon. He called Gail. You're all called Cannon. Why are we calling people?

Don't call Cannon. Don't call Cannon. I'll Hey, you've reached my cannon Oh, he bitched you out, bro You call Feeney, I'll call Cannon I don't have speaker on my phone I can't play this game

Because my mom is dead, man Just kidding y'all She's still alive Making my life a living hell That was so... Sweaty I'm sweaty Sweaty

Sweaty, Betty Stuff What? These are real Really? Yeah, that's real gold. And real silver. It feels real.

No, it's, I mean, it's weird. It's like, it's expensive, but it's, like moistenite or some shit. Moistenite. It's moistenight. It's a moistenite. Why are you saying that? What are you saying that for, Eddie? Did you get any new couch?

Huh? How come you guys don't like my Roger Rabbit? What do you say that for, Eddie? Yeah, that is a pretty good Roger Rabbit, actually. Please. Two-bit patty cake. What do you want that for, Eddie? We really got to be shaggy-doo.

Huh? She's got to be shaggy-due. No, that's scrap-scrappy-and-I should be the blonde. No, I'll be Velma. You see that they're making that new Scooby-Doo television show thing, the live-action one. Really? Who? is in it?

A bunch of young kids. Somebody saw care about the park and said, that dog looks like scrabby-doo. She do look like Scrabby-Doo. She do not like Scrabby-Doo. How long does she have left? Or how old is she? Sorry, how old is she?

Check for her expiration date. Two and a half. Oh. So she's still got a long time. Not if I have anything to do with it. I saw Shiba Eno that was on its last day. You saw Shiba Mason on her last day? Sheba Mason was the first person who produced the show that I ever did.

Did you have sex with her? No. Would you? What? No. Wouldn't that be cool? Why would you? Did you have sex with Sheba Mason?

I don't know. Something good at it happened. She does smell good. No. She like douses herself in perfume, which I love. Let's call Luke Mons and accuse him of having sex with Shiba Mason. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's say it's going around.

Call Luke Monas. He'll flip out. He'll be like, he's going to be like, Is that going around what? That'll be like, take it out the podcast. Yeah, yeah, don't do it. Don't do it, don't do it. It's calling him.

Yeah, no, no, no. I have the utmost respect for Luke Monez, and I know I would never prank him in my life. Call him and accuse him if stealing his Harry Potter joke. No. Luke? Nick Nanny. Stop farting.

Stop farting. Come on, guys. It was a fun thing earlier. It was a callback. Stop hurting. Who can we accuse them? Stop hurting. I like that little prank that you guys were doing.

That was a funny prank. We'll be right back. And stick around because Maroon 5 is here. Maroon 5. Let's accuse Suba Argoa. It's Saturday not live. With Jeff Arcuri. With your host.

It's It's Haunted Saturday Night Live With you Featuring Dracula The Pirate Ghost Featuring

Steve Martin When you were a little kid When you were a little kid What'd you want to be when you grew up? Ghostbusters What was your first thing you wanted to be? Firefighter Really?

And a biochemist That's such a kid thing I wanted to be a biochemist I wanted to be a dog What? Well, mission and calmly. I wanted to be a marine biologist and study underwater sea life. Be your dog.

Why? Because you look like those fucking fish with the big jaws and teeth and a little light of it. Yeah, do the impression. I have a picture of you doing it. Yeah. Yeah, wait. What was that? How did I do that?

I did it with like my phone or something. Yeah. I was like. It was really good. What are those called? Anchorfish? Angler. The reimb biologist.

Guess what the biggest fish is? The whale, the blue whale. Whale shark, idiot. Damn. Whales can't be sharks. It's called a whale shark. It's a fish, stupid. What's the difference in a fish and an amphibian?

One is a fish, and the other thing, amphibian is stupid bitch. What's the difference between a bird and a fish? One's a bird. One's a fish. Well, what is a... What's an amphibian? Then what the hell is a fucking duck? They breathe air.

They have legs. Man, if birds can't be fished, then what the fuck's a penguin? So is it... Wait, I thought an amphibian was underwater. Spit it out. Like a snake. Water and land. Amphibian.

So an amphibious creature would be a frog or a lizard, a snake. They could go in water. water and out. A beaver? No, mammal. A beaver goes in the water. It's a mammal. It's a moon.

It's a bird. So there's a penguin. It's a bird. It's a bird. They got bones. They got birds bones. So what's another example of an amphibian? A frog.

We already said that. A toad. You fucking dog. You know, I got that dog in me. Toad. What else? E. Lizard.

Leatherd. Salamander. Newt. But those are all, are those are just reptiles. Those aren't. Shit. Those are reptiles. They're amphibians.

I don't you get your food. No, I got to eat too. Amphibians. I want to go to the gym. I'm not going to go to the gym. I'm just going to do push-ups. Amphibians and reptiles are both cold-blooded verb-rebers, but the key different exists in their skin, breeding, and life cycles. Repetiles have heavy, scaly-skilly skin.

lay leathery eggs on land. Lay leathery eggs on land. Lay leathery eggs on land. Lay leathery eggs on land. Amphibian possesses moist, smooth, and warty skin uses it breathing. Like what? Feature. Amphibians, frogs, salamanders, reptiles, snakes, lizards, turtles.

Dries, scaly versus smooth. Wait, so what's a dang toad? So what the hell's a dang toad in there? Because they scaly. They are scaly. Are they scaly or scary? Oh, scaly is different. Either the scaly.

It's like if you could make a purse out of it, it's a reptile. James, wake up. Is he asleep? He's doing the thing that football players do in class. Where when they say something in their sleep, they just start nodding. If you ever had to happen, where he was like a football player,

dude, Ethan said that in his college, she would go like this. If a football player fell asleep, everyone would start clapping. The football player would just wake up. We should have done that to James. He was going to this. He's like,

I fell asleep at a firefighter school when I was a firefighter. I was a volunteer firefighter. And they call me by my station name, 25. They go, 25! Look a lot! I go, oh, sorry.

So I was up all night the night before. Did you ever have to go into a fire? Skah shows. Yes, I fought fire. before. Really? I was a junior firefighter so I could only fight

from the exterior and also field and car fires. But I wasn't allowed in the building to fight it, only clean up afterwards.

Have you seen some shit? Like, have you had to clean up dead bodies? That's awesome shit. Did you really? November 11th, 2001.

I watched it on TV. House fire. Falcon Shipley. House burnt down. Two months to the day. after 9-11. Only thing that survived the buyer was a folded American flag.

We all took our helmets off and saluted it. And then suffocated it. I went home and masturbated online pornography because I was exposed to it in an early age. Wait, is this true? All of it. No. Really?

The 9-11 thing, yeah. Yeah, the only thing that survived the fire. You saluted it? Yeah, it was like, it was, dude, the only thing to survive this house fire, Two months of the day after 9-11 was an American flag So everybody was like, oh my God You know, we were all like patriotic

I had a sticker on the back of my tootakamry Of Calvin pissing on Osama bin Laden They took down our towers, man My brothers! They died that day! Damn, dude What happened on 9-11? Wait, what?

When did that happen? Damn. Yeah, it was pretty good. Oh, Luke Mohners. just texted me. What's that mean? Oh, I already texted me before. We were texting earlier. I thought he somehow knew we were calling in.

I'm going to be in Vegas on my birthday. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Fyance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head. I

get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fridayance and comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got a rip a fart too, bro. Let it lose, toot, toot.

I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? When's your birthday? June 4th, 1991. I mean 2004. What are you doing in Vegas? We have the same damn birthday. June 4th? May 28th. But it's, we're saying. Oh, I'm doing the seller

out there. Do you remember when we went to Delphiscoes for your birthday? Yeah, that was really fun. My 30th birthday's birthday's birthday's birthday I took a bunch of people with those hostcles yeah it's very nice I have the picture I was in a bad way and I looked skinnier than I've ever been yeah and now everybody thought I was sick why were you in a bad

way remember pandemic girlfriend yeah do you ever like just grab your bootstraps and pull them up and say I'm no longer going to be in a bad way

yeah I've done it I'm in a good way. If you guys watch a Patreon from last week, I was in a bad way. And this week, I'm in a good way. You turned around. Turn around. He went 100 miles in the opposite direction. I fucked my brains out in Calgary, and then I went on a date with a great gal.

Who'd you fucking call you? Two or one? Three. One, and then two. Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky. I had to do what I did. Damn, dude. Three different.

That's crazy, bro. I had to do what I had to do. Every night you fucked. I had to do what I had to do. Different person each time. Ready Saturday, Sunday? Thursday, Friday, Saturday? Friday, Thursday.

Thursday. Thursday Friday's Sunday. You sucky, sucky, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you one time each? Mm-hmm. Well, this Friday was multiple times. Really? It was great. She was really cool.

Yeah. All three of them were really cool, but the Friday was multiple. Huh? Dick got hard. Had to use some help? That's okay. Well, I was, you know, by the third night, I told the girl, by the third night I told the girl, I said,

I don't feel comfortable sharing my body in that way, but you may suck me. Beautiful. Suck all of the pussy from this weekend off my dick. Oh, my God. Ew. I had to do what I had to do, and you get out of the trenches, brother.

I get you, man. I'll get you, brother. But now I'm... I'll get you, bro. But now I'm... Because when Hulkomania comes through your door, I'm coming for you, Iron Sheet. The Hulk Hogan get fucked in the us!

That's what Iron She said. Are you all watching the Hulk Hogan documentary? No, I haven't. Is it good? Can we really come out with documentaries the second somebody dies? It's unreal. He's in it. Paul's wet.

It was coming out before. Ew, man. Smell that. That's her pole. Oh, God. God. What the fuck is that, dude? Did she just stomping around?

Did she just stomping in your asshole? Damn it. Oh, God. Wash her hands. Did she shit in my house? No. Are you sure? She's my shit under the couch.

Did my house shit in her paw? Did she shit under the couch? He's probably touched your fucking cats disgusting. Piss poop. You don't have to discuss it. It looks like a little junior man. I hate the hole in your sock, and I wish you would get it together.

James, it looks like a glory hole, but for feet. Bo! James is now taking the hole and pulled it up, so two of his toes are poking out. They look like Big J. Ogerson's fingers. Oh, my God, have you seen that guy from Skangfest who has rotten feet?

What? Jake? Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of... Are you guys doing Skangfest? I am, yeah. I am not. I am not.

You're not going to be there. I don't got to be there. I don't really like that she. Dude, you know what's, you know what I, I did Moon Tower and it was not that fun. And I was also really going through it, you know, with. Yeah. With Poon Tower. Moon Tower.

But it made me remember when we were all there and that was so much fun. Yeah, Moon Tower was so fun. That was a fucking. That was a fucking blast. Moon Tower wasn't fun though No Damn these festivals They're not really fun

Anymore Are you going up to JFA this year No These motherfuckers These motherfuckers No not these motherfuckers It's me I need to be better

The shows at Moon Tower Were fucking great Like the actual But I just didn't do any of the hang Yeah But I was in like a bad way But then I'm gonna hang out with Fienie Bootstraps

Fiennes A fun festival hang You're gonna hang out with Fienie only Do you guys know what movie this is from, ready? Babe, would I lie to you? You know who that is? Is that a hot rod? I don't know.

I've been trying to figure it out from... Babe. Babe. Is that Will Arnett in... Nope. No, I don't know. I had a moment with a stranger recently. That was really nice.

Sounds like the beginning of a poem. That was last night. When I was talking to you outside of New York Comedy Club, and I was like, you never had cameras in my head. And then that stranger was like, what's that from? No, he goes, I know what that's from. And then he paused. And he goes, wait, where's that from?

You go, I thought you knew where it was from. And then he goes, it's from, from. And you go, I have to take a phone call. And then I walked away. And if you think that's a nice moment, you are fucking selling yourself short. Most of my moments with strangers are, like, walking by being like this fucking fucking guy.

Wait, so what movie was that from? What movies are from? You never had a camera in my head. You never had a camera in my head. he goes He goes like this He goes I never had a camera in my head

What's that from? Hot Rod You can get this Matrix Oh oh Truman Show Truman Show It's from the Truman Show I got mad at a guy on the train

I think this might be a bit I could do this as a bit I think Let's hear it This guy was wearing Like really bright blue pants And I was like Fuck this guy

It was like stupid And then I saw that he had a bright blue shirt And I noticed he was wearing scrubs He was a nurse Oh, that's awesome That's really good And I was just like so fucking mad at him for no reason Yeah, yeah, that's really good

He just came from like saving a fucking child's cancer I thought he was gonna like You were like judging him And then before he got off the train he was like Big fan I love your outfit Oh that did happen to me the other Oh that's happened to me

I've like judged someone like this fucking I judge them after they say they're a big fan I've left a shitty tip What? And then had them be like, are you Georgian? And I was like, why would you ever leave a shitty tip? I was at that place on Broadway that was like, it charges like $8 for a coffee. And I usually live a $2 tip, but I left a $1 tip.

And Broadway, where? I'm sending this to Caroline. Oh, that's nice. You do look cute. Rosie cheeks. Aw. Rosie cheeks. Rosie cheeks.

Sometimes you ever do this with your mane. when you guys aren't hanging upside down. You ever take one thing that looked, there are two of the same things. You take one thing that looks big, one thing that looks small, and you go, this is us.

I did that, we do that. I took a big, we were eating Frosties the other day, and I had a spoon, a bigger spoon, and then a little tiny spoon, and I went,

this is us. And she went, oh, oh, that's cute. I watch you that. We go like this, what the fuck? Yeah,

you go. Yeah, You go, close the windows. The sun's coming up. And I go, you really, you really need to go out and suck another cock. You just have a healthy relationship. You never fight. We fight all the time.

We argue. It's a good thing having it. That's what's good about having an animal, by the way. When you, when you're sitting there and you're fucking tense because you're kind of disagreeing on something or whatever. And then the animal comes in and everybody goes, oh, look at them. Yeah. It's great. Nice little.

we were going to fight last night and coyote's just going Stop fighting It was really helping What were you guys fighting about last night? Dude, I don't even fucking remember He goes stop farting Yeah and you're like

That's just what my ass does This is what I do My ass is it gonna change I do this Alan will be like Well you gotta tell him blah blah And then I go to him and I go Alan says

That you have that I would That would infuriate Yeah the Alan says thing is I would just say it as you Go Yeah but also just because someone says something doesn't mean you have to do it or say it I have to do everything Alan says

I call Alan I just suck my cock Go ahead put the mic to it So I was thinking you should suck Brendan's cock Oh my god Oh my god That one gave me a headache Ew

Oh my god Disgusting Oh my god Oh my god Oh God. I bet your ass fucking smells like a goddamn uh

like a like a rotten banana's belly button that's pretty cute. Yeah, that's pretty good actually probably. I bet your ass smells like like a woman who's about to get their period who has gay. Is that what happens when you're about to get your...

I bet your ass smells like Austin the grabs with a bow tie. With a bow tie. Your ass smells like... Your ass smells like your face looks. Damn. Nicious. Cute. Damn, your ass fucking smells like how Jeremy Allen White's face looks.

Hey. Who's Jeremy Allen White? He's the guy who plays the bear. He's got a really weird face, doesn't he? I was trying to say last night about how like people who take Ozempic or like people that get like the gastric bypass shit like when their stomachs

oh dude when you said the thing Ozempic sounds like a Greek god that was very funny Ozempic yeah please take my take my fat away well I'm thinking about doing

Monsorno but Mondorno which is Italian for shitty body melted body it's an Italian phrase that comes from I'm looking like someone sucked your bones out through your asshole. I don't know.

I was thinking about it. I'm working out too, so it's a good mix. Like, it's a good mix of like, you know, like, are you going to see if you can shed some with,

like, better diet and, like, exercise? Are you just going to work out and do the monjaro? No, I'll do all of it. I'll do all of it.

My, my life, but aren't you worried about your face, like, fucking, fucking, fucking weird. Yes.

Like that O-Zempic face? Yes. Go. Yes. Don't do it. Don't do it. No, but it doesn't happen to everybody. Like, there are some people that are taking it though.

Like, Bert looks good. He actually looks good. But he's also working out and eating right. And he also has like millions of dollars to have people inject them with stuff and like be monitored all the time and all the shit. Dude, just change your diet. You're doing great. You're making, you look really good. You don't have to do Monjaro.

You don't have to do Ozempic. I'm just thinking about it. Change his thoughts. man. It's just, it's a thought, yeah, I'm not so against it, but I really have never seen a body

that I looked at that does it, that I'm like, I like that body. Everybody looks like they're melting. Yeah. It's weird. It looks awful. They're like this. Yeah, they're like, they're just like,

yeah. Yeah. Monsiano. Yeah. It is weird how they all have that face. It's not delivery. It's Monsorno. GLP 1 that's what people are doing

Yeah But that's in the Monsorno It keeps the poop in your body So you don't eat so much Oh I hate that I like pooping I love pooping But your poop's gotta come out

It slows the digestion Yeah So you don't get hungry I want to get rid of my little belly I just need to wipe my bike more Yeah but you're also just shaped like that Like a barrel Yeah

I am a barrel man Yeah, you're a better old man too. Yeah. You're more of a shipping container. I got hookers inside of me. Children. Hookers and children. Products from China inside of me.

I got products from China inside of me. The only reason to do it is... Tell me I look good. Don't lie to me. What? The only reason to do it is if your doctor says it would make you healthier. Yeah. Yeah, but doctors get a kickback from it, so they're compromised.

They don't get a kickback from it. The doctor said I was fat. I said, I want to make you healthy. a second opinion. He said, you're ugly, too. Hey. I tell you. That's the best one. Yeah, that's a good one.

I don't get any respect. I don't get any respect. Hey. I don't get any respect. Hey, I go to my coffee shop. I walk up. They give me my order. Sometimes I get respect. Hey. And a guy come up to me.

He told me you really liked me. I guess I get respect. I had a guy come up to me. He said, I really respect to you. I didn't know what to say. My whole thing's been not getting respected, dude. I said, what are you ruining my career? I went out.

I don't tell anybody. I would you keep your mouth shit. He goes like this. You went Brendan. I do. She called you Brendan. Brendan. Yeah.

Best thing about Gwendolyn. Did you see those movies? What? The fuck is this? Some rappers calling me. Pick it up. I don't have speaker. And have them call my mom.

I don't have speaker. All right, we're going to wrap this up. I'm called my mom. Who is this? The best boy in the world? I'm on the phone. Jersey got drones. Home alone.

My mom's like, oh, you're home alone? You're awful. You're an awful rapper. Your rapping is awful. I love when Gil calls you awful. Oh, oh, Ian, you're awful. Oh! Well, Gail's put me in the poor house.

Getting paying for her in-home care. It's going to be like, I'll give her some in-home care if you know. Oh, what do you mean? You're going to fuck your mom. No. No. No. Awful.

No. Oh, Eid. No. They're all going to laugh at you. Awful. All right, guys. And mochi. I'm hungry.

This is my impression of Brendan before he does an impression. He came out to me He told me, I respect you I mean, please don't tell anybody Can you do Leonardo Cabrio is my favorite? I can't do it I everybody's, which one is Leo? Leo's like, he's like, I can't do it

You know who does it really well? This dude Alex DeWitt He does a good Leo, but it's like I was doing a movie I can't do it. I was doing a movie with Marty's crazy. I can't do it. I can't do it.

Joe made me feel bad about it. He went, that's not it. And I went, fun. It's good. Martin Scorsese. Martin. With Marty Scorsese. Yeah, that's good.

Marty. No. That's like Jack Nicholson. Yeah, they're close though. The United Caprio is more like Al Pacino. I can do this one. Only. Yeah.

Chris, but walking. I can't. I tried to do Homer. I can't do it. What was that? You can also do a. Tony. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good. You can do the wife from family guy. Peter. Same thing. Just the same thing. Why can I only do wives? And yet I'll never be one. What's the nonprofit that loves animals?

Oh. You mean society. What is this? What is this thing? I wanted you to say Peter Oh Or Home main society

The ASB society I was so proud of myself When I got it He's just flipping the fuck out All right Bye guys See you next week Bye