Bein' Ian With Jordan - Not My Murble Wluke Mones Raanan Hershberg Bein Ian With Jordan 180

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Mommy & Daddy are tag-teaming it with the great and powerful Luke Mones & Raanan Hershberg with some of the most wild stories imaginable like, oh I dunno, Raanan b*nging a homeless person & Luke stepping in human filth on the subway multiple times. Plus, Raanan shares the story about the time he met Bob Dylan. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Get 10 free meals + a free Zwilling knife at http://HelloFresh.com/SKA10FM Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Luke! https://instagram.com/lukemones See Luke LIVE! https://punchup.live/lukemones Follow Raanan! https://instagram.com/raanancomedy See Raanan LIVE! https://punchup.live/raanan Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Telling jokes and having smokes riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being in Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being in

Being in And life is shit which are positive Let's find out what it's like to live alive Being Ian With Jordan Hi everybody Welcome back to another episode

of being Ian with Jordan Punchup. Live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates Ianfinance.com for all mine Not Christmas January 8th through 10th Denver Comedy Works

And then Comics Mohegan Sun And the weekend after Emo's not Dead Cruise Just announced saves the day Coming on the cruise I can't wait No one here cares But I do

I understand what you said. What did you say? Jordan Jensen, bus tour, bust it up tour, going on. It's on sale. Go freaking sell it out. And they, you better. Punchup.

Dot live slash Jordan Jensen. Oh, and Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs. Coming out January 20th. And RIP, Jordan Jensen. That's what our podcast. And to make us more money, Patreon.com slash be an Ian pod. Ian doing odd guy doing odd jobs.

January 20. Shut the fuck up. January 20th. YouTube.com slash Ian Friance Comedy, YMH Studios. I'll see you there. I'd like to just say, I'd like to just say for the record, the tension that you're feeling in the comments, there's a lot of speculative. The tension is real. I'm getting a mic.

Hold on a second. The tension is real. I let you plug your things. No, no. I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying. I'm saying I's real. It's popable. I move to get the mic out of my ass and she's hissing at me like a cat and heat.

You think it's a joke. It's not a joke. Go ahead. So you're on a boat and you're on a cruise. Yeah, she's on a bus, I'm on a boat We're doing a tour on the old steam train What's the cruise called? Emo's not dead

Emo Phillips With a bunch of I was dead I was dead I'm not dead Are we talking about emo Philips or emo the puppet? The music Emo you mean Elmo?

I'm interested to know I'm interested to know what music Ron on listens to Hey, it's me. Like what? What do you think? You could probably guess it. I would guess you listen.

Just like HAVA Nigel on repeat. Havena Nigelah. This is great. This is fantastic. Just look at me. You can guess where I listen to? Oh, can we just,

can you zoom in on Jordan finally using the little box I gave her a year ago? Thank you. What is that? I'm giving it to my knees for Christmas. Is that a wee? I have a blanket I got for you.

Coyote two years ago. Let me see. I'm glad that we moved on from me thinking Elmo and Emo were the same name. I had a whole thing prepared about that. But Emo, Emo, Philips.

And I'm going to cut my wrist and I. It was an honest. Cut my wrist and black my eyes. What's going to a hot topic? Emo Phyllis was an honest guest. I was like, is this an Emo Phillips cruise? That would be insane to go on an emo Philips cruise.

I guess I saw him recently. And the third night is haircut night. We all get emo cut. Wow. Emo Elmo is awesome. I forget Emo the music. That's, you know. When I think of Emo Phillips, then I think of Elmo.

Me and Ronan. And then I think of emo music. Me and Ronan have two of the favorite songs. Two songs. What is that? Ramona by Bob Dylan. Oh yeah. Well, Bob Dylan.

Do Ramona. Like Sarah by Bob Dylan. Sarah, Sarah. Yeah, it really sounds like Havine Aguilla. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Comes with a filter that just spits out of Havanaegu, no matter what the song is.

Wait, what's the song where he talks about the boxer? The, what? You mean the box? Ruben on my man. Hurricane, yeah. You know I met a lady who was his boxing trainer, Bob Dylan's. Who did what? Bob Dylan boxed?

He owns a boxing gym in Santa Monica. No way. David Bowie. And you know what she said? She was like, it's just autism. The thing that nobody gets, it's just full video game level. Well, I think when the movie came out, that was like, oh, now that we're in the modern assessment, it's like, oh, he's just, it's like Timothy Shalame, he's just autistic. It's like he's not a sage.

She has autism. But I think it was way more than that. I think it wasn't just avoidant. Hey, love on the spectrum. Oh. Hey, I love making bracelets. Don't touch my trains. It doesn't have a lot.

I can't look you in the eye lyrics. Do you hear that whistle? It's loud. I'm skimming. That train I'm obsessed with is coming. Again. This is gold. We got a roll on this.

I saw Dylan. I saw Dylan in concert once. I'm in the Memphis Blues again. Memphis Blues again. Blue is my favorite color. The chorus is just him like repeating. His hair was messy because he would let anyone touch it. Let's what's Dragon Bowl.

I, let me tell. I thought that was going to hit really hard. Thank God the cameras are rolling. All right, we can start now. I'd like to point out something that I was on my way here and I went on the subway train. And this is my first day back to New York. Thanks for the redundancy. Subway train.

And then did you take a car car? You got that subway train. I got on the MTAG train. I want to take a break. I want to take a break. I took a flight plane. Show up. I stepped in human poop and I got new shoes.

And I went. Oh my God. And I went, I pulled the emergency when I stopped the train. No, I got off of the next stop. Looks like you stepped in urine from these shoes. Listen. These are new shoes I bought. The amount of relief I feel from you telling me that you bought new shoes, I cannot.

Oh, no. I threw out the shoes in the store. You came into my house stomping around. Thank God you have brand new shoes. I appreciate that. I mean, human poop on the subway platform. Who do I report that to? Wait, wait, wait.

You stepped on human poop on the subway platform. How do you know human? I thought it was on the street. platform. Platform, dear. On the platform floor? I said deep platform me. I don't know.

I got to start over. Can we start over? I stepped on shit once and I brought it into the apartment and trailed it all over. And my wife, she has OCD, so she was upset. Why do you have your wedding ring on your opposite hand? I don't know. People bring this up and I didn't know what hand it was supposed to be in. And also, it's all.

When Ronon talks, this is all I hear. Like Jewish adults and peanuts. You do that really well. You do that better, let me try that. Thank you, go for it. Now, the wedding ring on the opposite hand. Oh, my God, Ron on plus. Shafar is gonna be a lot of spit.

Oh, God. No, like a trumpet. No, no, like a trumpet. Like that? Yeah. Oh. Oh, oh, oh. I think I need to get new shoes again.

I'm gonna beat you in the head with this tag. Yeah. All right, so anyway, I just wanted to say, I never stepped in poop before, and it, Human poop, human poop. It was so squishy and it squelched. It's squelched. I felt, and I looked down and it was so bright.

And I, you guys know, I have a really active gad reflex. And I just, I threw up a little bit in my mouth and I was like, I, you know, I don't know what to do. How far was the shoe store? Next stop. You threw away the shoes? I was just, what stop did you get off at? I got off it. I got off it.

I stepped in it. It was like in the 70s. I got off at the 70 second. I went into an outlet store. And I was just like, just give me any pair of 14s. And there's the only pair of 14s they had. How much were they? You threw away the other shoes, huh?

These are like $100. They look great on you. They're so comfortable. I'd like for you to put them on, maybe. I would like that at a certain point in time. I'd like that very much. They go all the way up to your little knees. Can we just go back real quickly?

Can I just tell real quickly? Is that what you want to talk about? I want to talk about just two times I saw Bob Dylan. Why you have a second? I'd like her to ask me about my shoe size. Size 14 is crazy. Yeah. In a good way.

Does that mean you have a micro penis or something? What does that mean? Not micro. We were talking about this before. I'm not comfortable talking about my... Oh, right. Is it big?

Even if it's proportionate, is it still bigger than another dick? Like if a little person has a big dick but it's still a small dick compared to him, is that bigger than his dick if it's small for a... What kind of math problem is this?

This is a Bob Dylan. You've seen my penis? Have I seen your penis? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Uh-oh, not memorable. Marble.

Not memorable. What's that? You don't remember it. I don't. You know what the word memorable means? You said not my marble. You said not my marble. No, she said, not my marble.

Roll the tape back. Please play the tape back. Not my marble. Marble. Not my marble. Your Honor, she said not my marble. I thought you're quoting. We all looked at each other.

Okay. I thought you were naming. I thought you were naming a children's book. Me too. I don't understand what you. My arm by Elmo. Emo's speech and pants. Not memorable.

Maybe I didn't show it to you. Emo's not marble. Everyone's looking at it now. Yeah. Well, you're wearing tights. They're not tights. They're just, their pants that are well-fitting.

Did you get shit on your other pants? I like these pants. I slipped in shit and I rolled in it. They ate it for breakfast. Oh, I was so worried that I got that, I got it on my, it always got it on the hip, on that pantsline. If you came into my home with human shit on your foot,

I would be so upset with you. I didn't. And I'm saying in an alternate universe. And I, at the front door of the store, I threw out my other shoes. Quarter of my other shoes and I saluted the guy, the security guard at the front I went. Where'd you throw them out? Where did you do? I want the shoes.

In the store. Free shows. They're in the Bloomingdale's outlet store in 70 seconds. Wow. Anyway, so let's talk about me meeting Bob Dylan, I guess. Did you notice them throwing him out? Yeah, the security guard, but he doesn't care. He's just, you know, he's hourly.

He's going to take him. They're covered in poop. Well. It's so warm, isn't it? Isn't it so much soft? I didn't feel. Have you ever kicked a rat? Yes.

And it like absorbs onto your toe kind of. That's how pooped you. We don't understand the kicker. Accidentally. Like walking and you're like, oh, Christ. I also whenever, hey, no, no, no. Ready, have you ever kicked a rat when someone talks to the coppers? When you say kick a rat, it makes it seem deliberate.

You mean more like, yeah. Accidentally kick it. You mean, has a rat ever kicked you? Have you ever kicked you? Have you ever? I lived with a rat for a while. You know, I drowned a rat once. What?

Yeah. Man, dude. Well, it, I had to. Cover Richard. What do you mean you had to? It was the only way I could come. Please. Please.

Oh, dude, for the travel show Endeavor, I'm going to a taxidermy place and I'm taxiderming a rat. Armadillo. Please get an armadillo if it's there. I'll ask. Armadillo's already look taxidermy. They're so cool. I'm taking myself on a ski trip. I'll pay for whatever it is.

I saw one recently at a zoo. $5,000. Armadillos are weird. Wait a minute. Armadillo's look like robotic. They look like a little toy that you just pressed a button. It's like very fake.

They're so cool. It's like shark eyes that look fake. Yeah. It's like a thing. And when they get to a ball, it's like, it is like a plastic toy. It feels not real.

I think they're awesome. I was back in Indiana. Drown in a rat. I'm a dude. So I met Bob Dylan. He had just stepped in some shit. Hold on. Real quick.

Let's keep a running tally of Renan stories. We need to hear to Bob Dylan. about the wedding ring and drowning a rat with your bare hands. We'll keep, all right now. We go with the rat first, please. Yeah. Oh, well, my, uh, we had, my brother had a rat in Arizona. It, like, got into the house.

And so we set up a trap. And then it got stuck in the trap, but we were had to leave. So we couldn't, we didn't have time to like, you know, you can't really free a rat because they'll just go to someone else's house. Oh, let it go to someone else's house. A rat. Well, just doesn't make sense in the suburbs. So, well, the exterminator or whatever said I should drown it.

So I drowned it. In what? That's fucked up. The toilet? No, I put the trap. You're gonna have a kid. What you're supposed to do? I'm going to drown the kid?

Yeah, misbehaved. You drown it? Well, let me tell you this. It drowned very quickly. Like, like, it's like, you had to hold it down in its little feet? No, no, no, no, I wasn't like. You drowned Rizzo to Rand? It wasn't like drowned.

What did you do? You dropped it in? I put the trap in like a bucket and then poured a hose. Oh my God. Just torture. How could you put this in a bucket? Wait, look at what you did. All I did was put in a bucket, and then I cut off its head and put it on my dick.

That's all I did. Catch and release, brother. Catch and release a rack. Why? Because the rabble just come to someone. Who cares? Who cares about other people? That's what they said about the Jews.

That's true. Every time they caught the Jews, they're like, they did release them, and they went elsewhere. Someone was like, come on, catch a release. Nah, they'll just go to someone else's house and rob them. They ended up in Williams first. They'll just go to somewhere else and make a deal. So anyway, the first time I saw it. Can I live in you all?

Can I tell a story real quick? All right. Boy, let me, can I just plug my special? I heard it. It was really funny. Thank you very much. Can I just plug in you all? Can I just plug my special real quick?

I'd like, yeah. Yeah, I think, and then we have to move on. When does it come out? Two weeks. Okay. See my special January 15th on YouTube. It's called morbidly Jewish. YouTube.com slash Ronan Hershberg.

Funny title. Wow. Great title. It's a good title. Yeah. Where'd you tape it? Gosh comedy club. You guys really.

pump these out. You just do once a year. Who? Me? Yeah. How many is this for you? How many is this? Who is we? The juice?

Yeah. Yeah. That is what I was thinking. Rotten on and list every year. Well, you know, that's what you, I don't know. You write jokes. But the venues keep getting smaller and smaller. I know.

That's a problem. That's the funny is far. Well, it's all I got. Yeah. No. Sash. The first one was near a comedy club. The next two are the cellar.

So it got bigger. Where's this one? It's smaller. Sash. Can we not do? Sesh? The five-seater? Can we not do Sesh?

What do that mean? Oh, in the new year, I'm starting a new joke show every other Monday at Sesh. There you go. I would like to do that. Ian works it out. I'm going to host it. You guys are going to do new jokes. And then I'm going to close it out with new.

New jokes. What do you mean? Can we not do Sesh? Bedflowers or something, wasn't it? Didn't you have a show called like flower time? No, I had one as a new joke show. And how was it? I just couldn't keep it up.

But let me do yours. Yeah. Anyway, the first time I saw Dylan, he's playing. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay. I had a rap once. Why not the cellar? I wanted to do it somewhere different.

But you already did Sesh. No, you already did Sash. I already did the Seller twice, so I wanted to do something different. And no one's really done a special at Sash. No one does Sash. I already had the camera equipment set up. Oh, I know, but this one. What do you mean?

This one is, I recorded at Sash. Oh. It's coming out on the Fisch. It's coming out of the 15th. Oh, I saw you after you taped it, not after it came out that we are in an appropriate amount of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. I lived in a dorm called...

This one looks great. I saw it. You show me the, it looks great. I lived in a dorm called Weinstein, Freshernier of College at NYU. Me and my roommate, there was a little mouse in our room and I had a double-sided dodo that I would take out and like smack people with. It's a joke, but I would actually use it. And I would. With butts?

Mine. Somebody else's butt and your butt? That's like in Requiem for a dream. Ass to ass. I didn't do that. It was just my ass to hand, jamming it in and out. I put a condom on it. Anyway, cut it.

And you still got AIDS. Dude, I've been sick over and over. And when I saw my doctor, last time I go, Doc, just tell me, do you think I have AIDS? And he went, I know, I'm every people, teachers get sick a lot. I was like, all right. So. I love that your doctor's, like, shy, like bashful. We had a mouse.

He woke me up and he goes, Ian, Ian, the mouse is back. And in my mind, I'm like, what's gonna, what are we gonna smack with? I go, fine, I'll get the dildo. And so I was just smacking. Why do you just kill animals? I didn't kill it. I was scaring it to get it out of the room. So what I said you kicked around, you're like, no, no, I would never.

No, no. But you're like, but I would. By accident. But I used the dildo to scare the mouse out of the room. Did it run away? It ran away. Well, it probably smelled beagle, man. So he's.

It wasn't near your shoe Call back your ass You know where I come from We have in my house The house that I bought There's my cell everywhere I clean up after them Every day they have other snacks

You live in a house of horrors And my mom's house Full of snakes Not snakes Not pet snakes Just snakes that have That have infiltrated Snakes is crazy

It's so funny if they saw snake Your house Did you have a pet snake That got out? Your mom's just Medusa all in her hair. I do believe if you have a raccoons in my mom's house. Hey, you want to come visit my mom has snakes. If you look at her, you turn to stone.

Oh, okay. If you have a mouse in your house, just call it a pet. And then it's a pet. Cats. That's why they're legalizing bodega cats. My mom literally, the amount of bats that get in my bedroom when I get my mom. And the Temple of Doom? Jesus, did you grow up in Indiana Jones?

Dude, one time we were at my mom's house and it was. Big boulder. Big boulder coming out of the kitchen. You live in the fucking titty twisters from Dustal dawn. Pat After midnight Everyone downstairs Into vampire

One time when I was dating Jack He found a tarantula In my mom's bathroom That was this big Are these pets Are you just living in the cabin in the woods What are a cabin in the woods? You live in the agro crag

And my mom was like I don't know where that could have come from And then Jack just opens a tiny door In the hallway that's just like To death Like it is just a hole to death And he was like possibly from here Oh my little door

That one in a pad It was just coming in Your mom's just saying on a throne of skulls. She holds in her shoes. Every time we talk on the phone, she'll be like, there's a chipmunk on my monitor. All the time.

Animal's just stuff. The theory of lesbians is correct. I know. It's really crazy. My very specific stereotype. Yeah, the Subaru to snakes pipeline is strong. Sometimes it's beneficial. Like, one time she was like,

God damn it, three baby skunks just walked behind me. Scots! In the house? Scots! In the house? I don't even know a skunk has ever been in the house ever. They were so cute. Yeah, they're very cute.

How did they get so bad that a skunk got into the house? Skunks are sort of nature. prank because they're so cute and they're beautiful. You'd love to have one as a pet because they kind of... I have a joke about it. Bombs every time. Now, raccoons... Give it to me.

Are cool. Love raccoons. I would love to have a raccoon pet. Well, they have hands. They have human hands. You know what's interesting. Possums are marsupials. I'd like to start...

I'd like to start the podcast over. This whole podcast is just ADD. It's just his ADD. Dude. Luke... Luke thinking that he was going to... To get the podium after being like, well, they have hands. So they have human hands now.

Clearly the bar is higher. They do have hands. They can slap you. They could take a gun from you and shoot you. Little raccoons when they try to eat like marsh cotton candy and water. And they pick it up and they go, you know what? I want a monkey. Segura, when he went to Saudi, played with a little tiny monkey.

And it was the cutest. And it was grabbing his hand and pulling him to show himself and be like, come on me. But don't, aren't you afraid it at all? He showed his wife. He showed his wife. He showed a burka, a little monkey. She drives a dog He rips her face off

They're cutting up a little monkey journalist This one works for the Washington Post All right It's fun It's bowing to monkey Dave Chappelle Oh So long talky, no joke Ooh

Good point. Rih-Roo! Woo-woo! That is... Oh, man. That's really good. That's funny, man. Oh, my God.

There's dents in the microphone. It's so crazy. It actually really hurt. My favorite is one time when he was at the cellar and he was so drunk. And at one point he just cuts himself off and goes, where's my wife? Dude, he was in that moment. One time Gary Busey came into an audition I was doing. and they walked him into a room,

and I swear to God, I hear talking, talking, and then all of a sudden I saw a cartoonish amount of loose-sleep papers flying. Where is my wife? She's coming, she's coming. And he goes, not soon enough. And then slam the door, and more papers flew out of the door. Was that a line or was he talking about his wife?

It was just a, he walked in and first interaction. I love that you and Gary Busey are going out for the same part. That makes sense. But maybe the act was so good. It was just doing a lot. State Farm. Was it taken? No, he's the one who looks like his skins melting off his face.

And he now has new videos where he goes, hey. That's the sounding goose mate. I actually literally wondered if he was alive yesterday. I was like, did he die? He's still with us. He had a head injury. His one eye is drooping out of his head. You posted a video of him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey! Oh, gosh. That's all the goose mate. He's like those teeth that you wind up. Yeah. Yeah, he's a weird guy. Bad guy and Lisa Weapon.

His son was in contact. Thanks, Ron. You want to tell us more about marsupials? Well, it's just interesting. Marsupials. You know, every marsupial is so cute. Don't say Marsupial. It doesn't work with the list.

There's no other options. There's not another word I can say. There's no... It might be the worst. There's no non-liff subversion. Marsupial might be the... worst one. Yeah, also I love that you pick sash as a place to do your special.

Say it again. Okay, say it again. Say marsupial. Nice. Perfect. So cute. Yeah. Like, you know, you got the kangaroo, the koala bear, but then there's a possum.

I know. It's a real drop off. No. Want to see a possum? Watch. You don't think. Take your glasses off. Oh, Jesus.

Look at him. You don't think you. Open him wide. Open a wide. You don't think the possum is cute. No. No. I think it's, looks like a demon from hell.

No, they're like, it looks like the devil's cat. It's just a terrifying. You haven't had a beard since you were like a long time, right? Yeah, I haven't had a beard since the pandemic. Yeah. Demic or I like it a lot. I'm worried about the crossover of the mental health then

versus the mental health now and the beard alignment. Is this a new beard? Well, certainly. I'm doing great. Like pre-sobriety you had a beard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

When I met you. But that's because I was like, just didn't take care of myself. The beard might be a winter thing. It's a winter thing. And also, every fucking loser now has a mustache. And I hate that because now it's like in vogue. And I've had a mustache for so long.

It's been like that since 2009. No, dude. No, dude. I got made fun of for having a mustache for so long. And then now it's cool. And I'm like, well, I'm going to have a beard. You mean it was like, just like I was like one of the OG public bisexuals into trans women.

And now it's cool. So I am getting married to a woman. going to church. Okay? Wait, really? No. What about hit their mustache? My mom has this hoodie and she wears it all the time, but she has the one on the

flames on the side, and it's so funny. That's great. I met your mother at the cellar. We had a grand old time. She was scary. She's so scary, dude. She gets into your head. Are you going to be at the cellar New Year's Eve?

Christmas Eve? I don't think so. Because I'm bringing my mom. I'm bringing Gail. Tomorrow? Oh. Yeah, she's coming tomorrow. I just here.

My mom comes to the cellar. We're all, it's very festive. She's scary. I'm so proud to have her there. Right? And I'm so proud that all my friends are coming. And Luke is there. Ronan's there.

Somebody else was there. Sagalo, it was like the crew, you know? Yeah. And we're all hugging and we sit down. We were ghosts like the end of Star Wars. Yeah. And my mom goes, wow, you guys all, you guys all, what did you say?

You guys all love each other up and blow flowers up each other's skirt. It was scary. It was scary. And Zaglo goes, you're right. We do do that. We should stop. And I was like, Saglo, don't fall for this. She had, don't fall for this.

It's like she had your like lack of, like you have like a lack of fear you know, but none of your warmth. My dad Yeah, like your mom was like your fearlessness but with a Ween. Yeah, it was scary. We went around the corner and Peter went, hey, just wondering, is your mom a narcissist?

Oh my God. What are terrible? She kind of looks at you and like immediately sees your insecurities. Like the way the Terminator kind of can like look at like, what? Yeah, what did she say to who? I forget, I think she said what did she say? But it was something There was something cutting. She's like the mom in succession.

Brian Cox was like, No, she's like the mom and I taunia. It's like Tonya Harting's mom. Yeah. Why was she so nice to you? I don't know. I think I put the charm skates on and we just went around the rink. You know what I mean?

What did she say to me? I was sitting down. I was in the booth. I was short torso. No, short torso. Large torso. Short torso. I mean, she knows Sagalo well.

And she was just sat down and was like, because we were like, Sagalow, we like your coat. And she was like, why are you guys just all? Every time when he walks in, you give each other a compliment? What the fuck is that? Why, how is that helping anything? You know what I'd say? I'd say, shoot, Sue, put that bandaid from your thumb over your mouth.

I think she literally looked at me and said, you're not as smart as you think you are. And you yelled, I bet you yell too much in your comedy. I think she said that immediately. I was like, I was being very Jewish. I was like, you must be very proud of your daughter. She was like, what did you say, you large asparagus? There was no insults happening. She wasn't a, like a foreign environment, but she didn't seem at all uncomfortable.

And I found that to be. She just was like going on a rant about politics and so Gora walked over and she was like, she just like ignored him and kept going. I guess you got to be grateful because you have that with people where you're not really intimidated by anyone. Except for whoever I'm dating. Except for whoever you're dating and then you're like a little slave. But like for like anyone else? Little slave. You're not you're not intimidated.

And then that like when people who are intimidating are find someone they're not intimidated by they're like I love this person. Yeah. You know what I mean? My mom met a tell him was like, can I hug you for being here? father. That's like the opposite. Oh, my God. He hates human contact and he was like,

sure, Gail. And he gave her a hug. Him giving a hug. It's like looking at you in a dress. It's just something you don't want to see. But it makes you hard anyway. She wore a dress to the Renfair. She looks good in the first.

She was a lovely wench. I thought we're all making fun of each other. I'm sorry. No, no. We're dying. It's the holidays. Dall in it back. Yeah, we're blowing flowers up each other's hands.

Yeah. My mom loves Louie and our. Shevere. Those are the people that she used. I thought she enjoyed. So simple, I know. She enjoyed me. But she had a very small sample.

She had a small sample. It could just be the height thing. Your mom saw me in Syracuse and came back and gave me a hug. I was like, I'm so proud of you. And I was like, well, I think you're mistaking me for someone else. That's nice. She did really like your show. Yeah.

So she just looked at Ari and just like, that's, that Jew devil. That's who I like. You know, it's crazy. No, she saw a Jew and she was like, this is intellectually stimulated and not much inane bullshit coming out. of your people's mouth so self-s what about what about me i'm like that the actual version of that he's screaming anyway but she was she was very fairly this turned me on a little and um you know yeah and she looks just like that's crazy i know but you see why i date men who are so mean

to me yeah yeah yeah it's like my dad was a puppy if my dad was here he'd be like ee you know i'm so boy you boys are the best i just love being here you guys want to smoke some pot so you're You look for your mom? Which is so funny because most girls look for their moms and guys look for their, or look for their dads and guys look for their moms. But my mom is a dad and my dad is a silly uncle. Well, as a silly uncle. I look for my dad.

Every time a girl's like my dad. But I think that's why you hate me because I remind you of your dad. Totally. 100%. You're so similar to my dad. Love addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, addict, adverse addict. Right.

It's all very negative things. They're so similar. I like some of his addictive behavior. Yeah, me too. But I'm just the natural repulsion I have to. Oh, I see. She's repulsed by me because I remind her so much of her father. I love him so much.

So that means you. I love you so much. But don't touch. But you have fun addictions. Like crab legs. I love crab legs. Oh my God. I love crab legs.

I love cracking a moment. I've done a little too much. Crable is a type of gay sex or heroin. No. Or heroin. No, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's crab legs where you, I assume it's, you shove a crabletlet No, no, no. He loves crab legs. Into a gay.

He gets a bunch of newspapers out and he cracks crab legs and it's a fun. Do you get at it? So good. Really? I crack him like a surgeon, man. I know how to get the back fin. I know how to get all the meat out. And I think you like to, here's what I would challenge you to do.

On stage, you like to talk about your more nasty addictions. I would like to see you tonight go on stage and say, Hi, everybody. My name's Ian and I love crab legs. Oh, I've just think what I thought. I've been like, what the fuck is crab legs? I've been talking about all the things I like that are. sweetness and nice.

Good. I'm the opposite. I have gross stories I don't tell on stage. Yeah. Well, I'll take them. Yeah. I oscillate between like very wholesome and like, uh, you did have sex with

the homeless person. Yeah, I never talked about that. Yeah, no, you talked about it on our pot and it was really repulsive. I'd like to sort of hear about it. And I defended you because everyone was like, he took advantage of her. And I'm like, no, she clearly took advantage of this trollish man. Yeah. He was drunk and she took his metro car.

You know. Well, also, I know she was homeless. Was she hot? I can't remember. It was so long ago. I was in like my 20s. Nothing hits like home cooking. Bring back the joy of delicious meals night after night with Hello Fresh.

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Did you have sex with her on the train? No, she came back to my place. She came back to my place and we fucked. And then I guess I don't fully know if she was homeless, but it didn't seem like she had a home she was going to the next day. I hung out with a homeless girl for a while. You hung out with a homeless girl for a while. Yeah.

And we never... Gross. No. We were just too... You hung out with a homeless person? We just scam people for... We would scam people for booze and fucking coke. Yeah.

Well, I don't know. I fucked her, you know. But I mean, I don't know. Maybe she had a home. Who knows? My old roommate, who you know, who a remain nameless, brought home a homeless girl, and we were tipped off because she basically was looking for three hots and a cot, you know. She was, she took a, she was like, where's the shower? Where's the John?

And then she took a shower and, like, raided our fridge and then left. Dude, not. She's just been hungry and dirty. Yeah. Not homeless, but there's a guy in my neighborhood that we used to go to parties and I, I don't do this anymore, but I would. I'm sorry I'm sorry Jesus

Renan it's been so funny I still do insane you're like I don't do this anymore it's a bad thing I learned my lesson like you just didn't know people

would get really mad about that I would I would rob people I'd rob people I'd rob their houses And then we would use some money to buy Coke. And then he met me because I was passed out in front of a bar on the street with a four local in my hand. And he walked by and I was like, hey, you want to drink?

And he was like, yeah. And so we became like drinking buddies. And then I got sober and he didn't. And now I see him in the neighborhood sometimes. He's like, I'm really proud of you. And you've really done so well. I mean, I think it's great. And I go, well, you know, you can only go up from you finding me in a gutter.

That's like you gave brand Robbing people's houses Is worse than fucking a woman without a house No, I didn't I didn't know I robbed them I would just steal from their medicine cabinet Or money that I would have We probably found that out

I wouldn't do it in Well one girl kind of found out Because I saw her and I was like Hey she was like fuck you I was like well I guess you're on your period I love how you're like they didn't know It was just their medicine cabinet It's just their precious medicine

I'll just take their pills And then their cash Back in the day steal pills from medicine cabinets That's what I'm saying Yeah. I guess is Rob. My nickname in college was Gypsy because I used to steal

everybody's iPods. Is Rob? I guess Rob is not the right word. Burgal? Burgle? You know, I'm one-eighth. I'm one-eighth. So that's offensive.

What? I'm one-eighth. Gypsy? That's a big reveal on the podcast. Gypsy Rose, because you're fucking retarded. You know, I'd like to stop the pot. Gypsy and Jews. The two slurge for being ripped off.

I know, and I get both of them. I get both of them. Are you part gypsy? One-eighth. No, you're not. Your great-grandmother's a gypsy? Was a gypsy. Do you look like one?

No, I mean, she might, like my grandma, my grandma wore garlic. My grandma grew up in the Bronx and she wore a, her mom put a garlic necklace on her. Did she have a scarf over her head? Can she curse me? The scarf is, the scarf is just, the scarf is just a, it's a stereotype. Can she curse me to lose weight, like in thinner? Did she wear? Some power.

Did she wear the garlic around her neck so she could put it in her shoe as a form of gypsy contraception? You know, I mean, it's, I would like to stop the pocket. You know, my great-grandfather was accused. I put garlic in my vagina once. What? Yeah. My great-grandfather was accused of murdering a gypsy child. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, a gypsy woman, a cute, the plot of holes. A gypsy woman, they found her daughter, dad at the cemetery in Poland, in the Steddle, he's from, dumb and shit Poland. And they- He's already out of breath. They accused my great-grandfather. Because you, they accused my grand-grandfather. Because back then, if it had a. kid died, you just point to a Jew. And so, you know, you got accused of murder.

So, yeah, maybe if someone in my family, I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Because they were from that part of the world. I mean, that's not what I was saying. What happened? You lost me at Stettle. Yeah. We all blacked out.

You know, Steadl! Stad up! Do you know blood libel? It's my favorite metal band. Blood libel is the anti-Semitic superstition that Jews would take the blood of children and use it in Mata for Passover.

over. Okay. Only partially true. Yeah, it's not true. It's not kosher. We don't use blood. Oh, that's why you don't do it because it's not kosher. Oh, okay. If it was kosher, bring out the blood. Got you. Thanks for clearing that up. So my great-grandfather was with his son, my grandfather in the field. They were digging potatoes out of the ground because that's all you did back then. And then there was a commotion from the cemetery, the Jewish cemetery. And they walked over and This girl was killed, had been killed. Actually, the parents had killed her.

You found out later, the gypsy parents. But they pointed to my great-grandfather. Like, he, the Jew did it. And there was a whole, like, riot. In the flashback, it just run in, like, a big... What are you talking about? You're not. I'm picking potatoes.

And so how'd your... It's like Forrest Gump where I played the roles in the past. How'd your grandfather get out of it? Well, they, there was a trial, and then a Polish girl in the town said she saw my great-grandfather killed the child. In the trial. the judge was sitting on a big bale of hay. And so they line the great grandfather, my great grandfather,

they're up with a bunch of other Hasidic Jews. But you know, they all look the same. So the girl pointed to the wrong one and he got off. I mean, this is like the Jewish Emmett Tim. Yeah, I know. Wait, what year was this? 1914, 15. Not that long ago.

Not that long ago. Pretty long ago. Pretty long ago. Anyway, so I. And yet we're still in those times today. I'm one eighth gypsy. I mean, what time? Did it end?

Wait, this was before World War II. Yeah, World War II was 19. To 1945. And he got released. He got released. She misidentified him, but he couldn't do business. Welcome to the Midnight Society and the story of the mistaken Jew. But so put children's blood over the fire.

But then he got off, but then he left because no one would do business with him anymore. It was like the original Me Too. And then he left. It's the same. Well, yeah, but cancellation. I got you on me too. Then he left to America, which is children. Yeah, he didn't get drunk with the gypsy.

Yeah, it wasn't a case of fucking a homeless gypsy on a train. Yeah, or reversed consent. But if that didn't happen, he would have stayed in Poland and probably been wiped out in the Holocaust. So it was a blood libel. Well, I guess thank God for the gypsies. Thank God for the gypsies.

Or is there known today, in the more politically correct term, the Roma people? The Luchs. The Roma people. How could you say that? They were in the Holocaust. They were in the Auschwitz. Yeah, they got, they got God.

They got God. In the Holocaust. Roma is a gypsy now? Yeah. But they were called gypsies because people thought they came from Egypt. And by the way, I've been,

I've had gypsies try to, when I was in Europe, but gypsy tried to pickpocket me and I looked at her and I went, Little girl, I'm one of you. You got to pickpocket her at the same time. That's swindled by gypsies in Berlin. How'd you tell?

Was she little? Well, they're little and one of them holds a little picture to you and goes like and says something and then the other one comes behind and goes that sucks that they pickpocketed you you know you know what's even worse if they murdered a child and it blamed you for it look i don't know anything about that can you stop living in the past anyway this has been 33 christmases without my father um wait your father's dead shut up i didn't know i didn't know oh yeah yeah and yours yours is dead too yeah that like Part of the podcast?

That might be part of the podcast. Yeah. Put our heads together, dead dad. Our dad's our life. That's right. That's the live dad catch. That's a dead cat. Yeah.

But anyway, so. Who's hot? Luke's dad. Luke's dad was frightened by me last Christmas. Yeah, here's the story. Do we, do you know this story? We were at the cellar on Christmas Eve. Every Christmas I dress up like Santa Claus and bring candy to the shops in my neighborhood

in the comedy club. He's like, yeah. Not doing it this show. He's like, yeah, the show is great, but I couldn't really hear most of it because behind me there was a guy talking loudly on the phone. I turned around and he was Santa Claus.

It was like, listen, man, you gotta get me that bottle before tomorrow, man. I wasn't on the phone. I was sitting with people and I was going, would you like snickers or would you like a candy game? Wait, why do you do this every Christmas? Yeah, my grandfather used to dress up like Sanneng. give candy out of the city.

It had real John Wayne Gasey and a clown vibe. And so I do the same. And I'm not doing it this year, but it did bring me joy. I'd play Jingle Bell Rock. I was a Grinch for the bonfire Christmas show. That was very fun. The, the, the, because Christine took the Grinch costume back. That was our costume.

No, they got me a new one. Well, we have one. The mask was the other mask. You know what I kind of enjoy about the Grinchy has long? Remember you cut the bottom of the face off? Pretty gross. I bought my first Christmas tree this year. I can't have it because of the cats.

He's having a kid. When? In like a week. Better not put an S in the name. What's going to be the name? I don't know. Our list for redatory? No, he's saying for you.

We did some tests. If she would have had a list, we would have aborted the baby. We don't want to live that. What kind of baby is it going to be? It's a, it's a girl. What kind of thing? That's a weird way to ask that.

What kind of baby? What is the name? It's a girl. You shouldn't say the name on this podcast. Ametheth. Oh, I get it because I'll be saying the name. Yes, yes, yes. One in one is two.

I'll think about the kids saying the name. Yeah. But yeah, so I bought a Christmas tree this year. I've never bought one before. I feel like when you bring a Christmas tree in your house, it just catches on fire immediately. It's not allowed to cross into your home. Did I tell you when I found out I was like a small percentage of Oscanazi on 23 of me?

I got a manure to light it with my mom. to be like, look, but we're Jewish now. And when I lit it, it set the dining room table. Really? And I was like, point taken. You're Satan. You know, you were on my list I made of comics. Because you're the devil as well.

You're on my list of comics who everyone thinks is Jewish but aren't. Who else is on that list? Nikki Glazer. Right. Michelle Wolf. Right. Joe Zimmerman. Right.

You. Right. I think that was it. There's a couple more. What is it? I guess like I'm a small percentage Ashkenau. through like my bloodline. So what is that?

It's always tough Ashkenazi has the word Nazi in it. Yeah, but this is fun about that. This is like, I'm like Luke. Like I'm one six Ashkenazi gypsy. You know, it's like, do you identify as gypsy? No, it's just a fun thing for me to talk about. You feel, but you have such a Jewish vibe. You have such a Richard Dreyfus vibe about you.

Because I was raised by a grandfather, an Italian grandfather who was, who lived through the Depression and also by a mother who, who is full of guilt and anxiety. Yeah, mixed with glass beard configuration. Yeah, and the nose. The nose of glasses of beard. And you're like a, you know, like a short Jew. Like you have that Jewish physique.

I'm very barrel chesty. Yeah, like, it's also very athletic and very strong. Well, some Jews are strong. I know, but he's like, he's like sneakily very athletic. He'd be dead if he were Jewish. Yeah, you're a little too. I don't think his constitution could take it. Jews can't handle the amount of shit that you put down.

You're a little too self-destructive for Jew. Yeah, no. That's why I'm not Jewish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He eats so much cheese and meat. But he's very strong. But I've been better with my diet. Yeah.

I've been... But just historically. Like, if you go to the gym for like a week, you look like Hercules. I know. And it's just been so hard getting back to the gym because I keep getting injured. But I will say, taking the time release, Adderall has helped regulate me so much because I legitimately need it. And it's, like, calmed me and made the static in my brain. Like, my brain was always, like, searching on a radio dial and it was like,

and then now... And then now it, like, gets to a station and I can, like, listen and then go to the next station. And it's been helping. And also, I haven't had an appetite, which is great. How much, how much adder all are you on? 10 milligram time release. So it stays as me throughout the day, not these, like, short, addictive bursts. I used to take 90 milligrams a day.

What? Yeah. That was pretty crazy. Dude, I've been getting up and I've been, like, going out, getting coffee, doing work, sitting. It's been. It's pretty great, right? I'm so. I miss Adderall.

Great. I miss Adderall too. But I actually need it and that's why it regularly. We all need it. So you don't feel the buzz. But when people get like, ha, on it,

it calms you down. It calms me down because it regulates me. You'll see. At some point you'll take it and you'll have like a very empty stomach or too much. Like there is a way for it to get you feeling. Right. Shitty.

Because like how, why? But that's, that's if you take it in the small like pill, the time release. And also when I took it. Are you sleeping okay even with it? Dude, I'm sleeping better.

Well, you're also. I mean, that's such a small amount. That's like a small. Is it 10? You're 10? So small. Since September, I had not gotten a full night's sleep without waking up every two hours, falling asleep, waking up at 4 a.m., can't fall asleep until 10 a.m.

And now I'm, like, sleeping through the night. It's crazy. You never feel cracked out on it. No. 10 milligrams spread out is nothing. I honestly will notice when I'm, like, walking or even in conversation, I'm, like, listening. and then I'll be walking and I'll just kind of be like like I feel more balanced and relaxed

than so like Ha ha haga hanging king game yeah yeah that's great I used to do so much I'm also on heroin Have you done heroin I snorted it but I never show How was it? Did it feel good? Well you throw up the first time right? Greatest feeling you've ever had Really? Yeah but you knew

Even you knew you were like I can't do this again man I couldn't find it again. Oh, you couldn't find it. And every time I tried to shoot it, something got in the way. What do you mean? Which I think is God. Like somebody rang the doorbell or something? No, no.

Like something outside of me stopped me from getting it. Like just having common sense. Like literally going up to a guy who had heroin and me going, hey, give me a bag and some works. And he goes, I'm not giving it to you. You're a good guy. Don't want you doing this. And I'm like, but you're a drug dealer.

Right. I like how you're calling external factors. It's just like a really good guy. That was something intervening. That was something intervening. It was a higher person intervening. That's a man. Deliberly a person intervening.

And that is a piece of chunk of something on your lip. What is it? Who, it's not, it's not on your hand. It's still there. It's like skin. Let me see it. Let me see it. Let me see it.

You got it. Who's a magical act of God? This guy said you really should do heroin. It's bad for you. What drug dealer goes, no, I won't take your money and give you heroin. And then you'll keep coming back for more heroin. I thought you were Jewish and couldn't take it. That's why.

Another guy. You thought he was going to go Lenny Bruce and die. Another guy I was supposed to meet up with him in Bay Ridge. And I got on the train. I was drunk and I blacked out. And I woke up back in my apartment puking in my toilet. And I called him and was like, hey, did we meet up? He's like, no, you missed it.

And I was like, huh. Very nice. God. Wow. Huh. You have weird ideas. God is real. God's like.

No, I get it. But you have weird ideas of interviews. I can't help this genesis. aside. I got to stop Ian from doing heroin. No, no, no. Everyone has something in the universe that they can open themselves up to to being taken care of and being there. God is not one big thing that takes care of the entire world. That's true. That's true. Thank you.

I once was going to, I once was about to go on stage in Louisville and I was like, ask this guy if you had any painkillers and he goes, I have Perkissette Mixer's heroin. That's awesome. Do you want it? And I was about to take it. And then I I was like, but heroin makes you throw up the first time. And I was about to go on stage. So if I took it, I might just go on stage. I'd be like, good to be.

Would have been a great clip. That would have been great. I know. That would have been a great clip. Sorry, I'm on heroin. Ronan is so hardcore. He puked and kept going. It's amazing.

It's really the state of comedy that we were like throwing up now. That would be, that would really take it to the time. Yeah, they'd ever see it on stage. I've never seen. I never seen. I said, I have to go take a shit, left the stage shit and came back. Oh, wow. That's coke.

I've been. Yeah. You're not supposed to poop when I've been wanting to do that many times, but I've never done that. If you ever see me on stage and I walk to the wall and it's like stand with my back to the wall, I am farting. I farted on stage the other day and it was so stinky and I just had to sit in it and I saw the people of the front rows. Can I ask you this? This is gross, but is that awful? You have to just sit in your own fart?

Sometimes it comes out. I thought you made a Hershey squirt at the cellar on stage. Somebody shit their pants at the cellar. Did you hear about that? What? On stage? No, no, no. A patron.

A patron. Shit. All over themselves. All over their dress. Rafi Bosto stepped in it. And then went on stage. He's like me. He's like Brazilian me.

And then she sat down and ate dinner. Wait. Who? Who? She ate the shit? Who? A woman ate her own shit. Who?

You know, there was a fight at the cellar. Saturday night, 930 show, Fat Black Bar. A kid punched his. dad in the face. What? I know. Was it Nick Reiner? What was it?

Oh, this is really not okay. Sorry, I'm sorry. I said punch, not stabbed. And there was a fight at a tell show during the show while the emcee was on stage in Providence that night. And my night, everybody was yelling out in Vancouver. Something's in the air. Yeah, the world's collapsing.

People are really, yeah. I had a guy faint at my show, and then I was getting on the airplane man, fainted twice. Dude, I had a guy in Utah overdose on an edible, and I went in the bathroom. He was in the sink. It overflowed with puke,

and he was, his face was in the sink, and I had to pull him out, and he was just covered in vomit. Why were you not in the comic, the comic bathroom? Rooster tea feathers? Yeah. I want to top this.

I got, I was on a show once a guy in the audience, a baby while I was performing. Please like me. that's disgusting so who's this woman that ate her own duke dude what was up with this i've had a lot of people faint in my shows um really yeah a lot they fainted mm-hmm there's a lot of blood talk oh but it's funny because you faint with i know isn't that weird maybe they have you have you fainted on this podcast almost

You know when I've been trying to NK Ultra dance at Jury Oh his arm Sugara was telling about Did you see the video of when soon? Yep Oh he like was that basketball or something He broke his arm

Yeah I remember that Do you like my shirt? Prescott and pro wrestling are the only legitimate forms of art Very easily because I'm already fainting thinking about Sigurra's arm Let's do it. Dude the way it bent backwards

Okay please I really Fainting feels really bad It's so sweaty I get so sweaty. I get so sweaty. And you know when you went, Duke. Dude, don't make her faint. Don't make her faint.

Stop me. I'll do it to Luke. So wait, but wait, Raffley stepped on this woman's shit. Yeah. And then went on stage. And when he went on stage, he went, on stage, you went, whoop, who, stop. He went on stage. He stepped in the shit.

He marched it all through the cellar. They all had to clean it up. And then the woman sat down at the table in the front and ate dinner. Wow. But why? Was she adibrated? I'm going to say, too, B. Did she shit down her leg?

Was it a thick duke or was it watery? Was she dead sober? Did it go down her leg? It's so funny if she was sober. You were such a faker. Let me finish what did she did? Go, go, go. What'd she do?

While taking napkins off the table and wiping her ass and crumbling them up and putting them on the table. No. Covered in poop. What color was she? She was Australia. Did she then shove them in Luke's mouth? With his shoe? Imagine extruding poop into your mouth.

Wait, wait, wait. Why did she put it in her mouth? Why did she put it in her mouth? Wait, was it coming in that scene from stand by me? Was it a full shit or was it wet down her leg? Are you going to really throw up? Are you really throwing out? This is what?

He does what he eats pussy. Hey, hey, yo, motherfuckersers. You get shit in your mouth. It was wet. It was wet and it was Oh, He's gonna throw out Was it wet chunks?

Oh my God Dude, dude, you're not okay You're not okay Dude, this isn't cool It was wet chunks Could you smell it? This man is cautious Did anyone get it?

Why didn't they kick her out? Did they try and she said nah Yeah It was wet Did it make a noise? Like Well the thing is she stood up And she had poop

All down her skirt Plastered to it What the guy say that was with her. Are you okay? Are you just the greatest actor ever? Were you really nauseous? Yeah. Hey man, you're going to have to wash my pumpkin basket out.

Now I'm thinking about this bit in the pumpkin bag. Yeah. No, it's not. It's got your spittle stuff in it. Oh, it's a muslim. Oh, I'm feeling like I want to throw up. You know what we're doing in honor of Rob Reiner? We're doing an homage to that scene from Stand By Me.

Remember that scene where everyone throws up? Which, by the way, I watched... Instead of going, you want to see a dead body, you're going, do you want to see human shit? Because I already stepped in human poop today. That's true, yeah. I've been too in contact with it. Yeah, you're Rafi of the upper east side.

Here's what I'll say. I'd like to now pivot. The show has officially got too far. I've had all the through it. Not from that. Luke, you really got to, like, clean that because you just put all your fucking puke stuff in it. Even though you didn't puke, it's still got germs.

I think you just give it to him. That's where we keep the candy run on. Okay? Okay, sorry. Thank you. Hershey's, please. Don't eat cherishes in front of it. No, no, no.

How can you eat right now in front of this? Don't do that. What are you doing? And it's a Twix, idiot. Oh my God, dude. I know. Thanks. Hey, Al are you?

That scene from standby, dude, you all find it gross? I've never seen it. Well, here's the, I just rewatched it. The scene is interesting because even the people who didn't eat the blueberry pie also have blueberry pie vomit.

Right, right, that's a great point. That's a great point. Triangle of sadness, best puke scene. Oh, the ship puke scene, yeah. I love that one. Well, stand by me. I was watching it and I was like, it was so long since I'd seen it,

I'm like, am I going to throw up? And I'm like, they're not just going to show people throwing up. So what they do is like, it's like, it's like, they make it so like the blueberry is not. It doesn't look like throw up. It just looks like you're throwing up like blueberries. Yeah. But it's still so gross.

I doesn't get my gag reflex ultimately. Because it's fun, and it reminds me of watching the movies. I think that smells. Well, dude, I fucking spit up fucking vomit in here. Yeah, so you got to clean it. Go throw it away. All right, thanks. Sorry, thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah. It reminds me of this kid that used to throw up when he'd have fun and get excited. Imagine drinking what's in it. What are you doing? The show is too much. No, I'm good. I'm good.

It's passed. It passed. The fever broke, brother. What are you doing? Why are you making yourself throw up? I'd like to... Let's pivot. Let's pivot.

One time I went down to a girl and she had Duky out of her butt. What? You went down on her butt or what? Was it her butt or what? It was hanging out of her butt. So you went down on her butt? I went down, I saw it, and I went, I'm tired. No, thank you.

The fans, you are curating. Well, I was trying to make them puke again. Now, that doesn't get me. There's only certain things. It has to be very, like, visual for me. I made you laugh, so you puke. A woman in the meat street line almost broke my hand. Oh, how?

Shaking it? She was a scary person, and she crunched it, and then I tried to release it, and she dug her nails in, and I said, let go on me, you fucking crazy, bitch. Really? Security. You know, it's a good tactic. If someone you can tell that they're going to be too much,

yeah. Go to hug me. Hey, thanks so much. And you put your hand there to put your hand there. I don't feel like she, you should probably, for the bus store, you should get security. Are you worried you're going to get Salina'd by like an angry lesbian?

What's Selena did? She got murdered by the head of her fan club. Yeah. How? Killed. Killed shot the gun, yeah. Made her step in shit. Which really?

Why the bus tour of security? Because someone could sneak on. Someone sneaks on the bus. Sleep under your bunk. But there's a driver. They could lie. The driver goes through a moreover. Yeah.

Does he have a gun? But there's a locked door. They could get in. Maybe he's Cape Fearing on the bottom holding. Right. You have. Did Sam, security?

You're fucked. Well, Jake's not going to do it. James, if you come on the bus, I'm going to come on you, and you know that's going to happen. Okay, we're not sleeping in the same vicinity. Wait, what? Wow, this is like 90s.

Jesus. It can't be anywhere near that. It's like a Howard Hawks movie. Someone got to Sidney. I felt like I was watching you. I felt like I'm watching his girl Friday. Aren't you? My God.

Look at you. you. Where? Oh, my God. Why don't she sit on the, why don't she sit on the show far for me? Jordan, sit on the show far and Ronan will blow it.

Robin, we're having Jordan come in. She's going to sit on the show for it. Harvey Weinstein made a couple of women do that. What? What? 90s. It's just 90s Stern.

I don't know. 90s Stern in the, in the studio. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're going to have Beetlejuice come sit on. Me and my best friend, the doctor and my mom are watching Howard Stern on E

the show. Yep. And all these. girls were on and I was like, oh, she's gross. And my mom and my friend were like, no, that's like a good looking woman. I'm like, no. And then this girl came on and go, now that's a woman. And she was a

transsexual. Well, we all knew where that was going. I thought maybe it was going to be a child. No, it's definitely going to be a trans. Come on. Not exactly an M. Night Shyamalama dingo twist. Shoot a penis a whole time. What if every M. Night Shyamala movie ended with its chasmalama. In Seinfeld voice.

He was dead the whole time. His real twist. I fainted it. I'm not Shyamlam. I'm movie. Old. Old. Oh, yeah.

I could take the tumor out of it. They take the tumor out. I fainted on the plane. And piss my pants. I watch it on the plane too. You know, it's actually a pretty good movie. Most of his movies are great playing. They really are.

What? The problem with the altitude makes you more prone to fainting. And I didn't know that. Six cents. Great plane movie. I just watched a great. Santa Claus. Plain movie.

You know, it makes you cry more on the plane, too. I ball at movies on planes. I'll just be like bawling. Oh, yeah. I cried in a movie recently that I shouldn't. I had no business crying. Someone told me that. Was it, is this thing on?

I think it might have been smile. I think it might have been smile too. Well, smile too is very good. No. Is it? Well, let's pivot now for a second because I'd like to, I know you guys haven't seen the movie, but for people out there watching, is this thing on starring Jordan. Jensen.

Jordan Jensen. I was blown away by your performance. I know I called you about it. Should we play the voicemail? Yeah, sure. I guess so. If you're bringing you? Wow.

And it ends with, most of the Alyssa. And it ends with, uh, and if there's any room on the bus, man, I can run off security, man. I can. Alyssa and Luke, we just watched existing on and I was like, you have to call Jordan right now. You were fucking phenomenal. You're an incredible actress. And I hope you're doing like so much stuff. It's amazing.

She was unbelievable. We're around a cat. me award-winning actors, and we are doing amazing work. And we are, we belong. We belong. We excel. And I think you have a bright future ahead in the acting world. He said you had the lack of self-consciousness, lack of self-consciousness of a child actor.

He said you reminded him of. I didn't say that. He did. He reminded you of Tatum O'Neill from Paper Moon. No, I didn't say that. He did. What do you fucking do? But it's true.

Why would I make it up? But it also happens to be what you think. What's Payne of Moon? Who paints the Moon? Paper Moon. The moon painted. What colored they do it? It's a movie.

About what? I thought you were amazing. Thanks. I can see it. I can see you being a great actress. I will piggyback on to that and say, I thought you were amazing too in the trailer that I saw. And when I see the movie.

And she has the, they give her the punchline of the trailer. Yeah. It's kind of like, Don't go in there without a but-d-da-da-da-ba-da-ba. I don't see the second trailer. It is a bad-da-da-da. Yeah.

You haven't seen the trailer? I saw one. I didn't see you in it, but I guess I didn't see trailer too. Yeah. I'll tell you what's on. It's really fun. And just so you know it's improvised when I say that he has a little penis.

That was awesome. Thanks. How was Reggie in it? Great. Reggie's great. All the comics are great. Atel's in the trailer too. Yeah, he looks so good.

Multiple trailers. I think, right? Yep. Yeah. I heard Chloe's performance is so good. She doesn't have the mole. Yeah. Just to similar good.

Oh, my God. Like real method acting, you know? Did you know they used AI to change what I said? To take off the mole? Because what I wrote on the journal was I didn't write small penis. I wrote, you're gay. And they changed it. Really?

Yeah. Hilarious. It'd be so funny if they spent $5 billion to like remove her mole. It's done in the Avatar studio. But $5 billion to remove Chloe's mold. They're like, why did you have her in it if you're just going to spend all this money? They had to remove my tattoos. Really?

Special effects. With TGI? One of the fucking tattoo artists. Oh my God. Fuck that guy. Smith Street didn't give clearance for the tattoo. Tuesday, they tried to charge me. They're also generic that it's fine.

That's why I'm surprised. That's, well, because I tried to get clearance first. And then they said, if you didn't get clearance, since they're generic flash, you don't need clearance. But I had already asked because they weren't understanding that rule. And they flat out, we don't feel comfortable signing off without compensation. And I was like, I think going to you for years, are you fucking kidding me? I've compensated you. And they were like, yeah, and they were like, that's best of luck to you.

Is it all the same artist on your arms? No. A couple of these are from Smith Street. Fuck them. And then everything else is from R&D. The problem is Smith Street is... Are you going to have to remove them on the podcast? Smith Street is a huge studio that had a vice documentary.

And they do Jonah Hill's tattoos. So every movie with him, they get like a taste. And I was like, I'm not Jonah Hill. This is my first movie. I have a couple of lines. Like, what are you doing? It's called an office race. Office race?

Yeah, the posters for it in the hallway. It was on Comedy Central. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, he did a great job. He had the line, the first line in the movie, and then they had to fucking spend a budget to cut it out. Yeah. Like scumbags.

You're good in the movie. But she, I mean, it was unbelievable. I had the opening line, and it was a great fun thing. You carried every scene you were in. I didn't see it. I've heard. I was in a pack theater. I was in a pack theater.

She was getting every reaction you want to get. Big laughs, said, oh, this said, oh. Did you like the buzzer? The buzzer thing was great. What's the buzzer. Don't ruin it. Oh. I'm going to see it Saturday.

The cut to you, the cut to you Listerineing, whatever it was you were doing, swishing the, I was like, yeah, and the camera loves you. So nice.

And the audience loves you too. And it's an important reason to get back out and support your local movie theater, everybody. Yeah. I can't believe it's at Angelica. That's what's crazy.

Crazy. That's cool. Brendan, Brendan saw it. Angelica. To be fair, it is a Bradley Cooper movie. He was a pretty big. But the way Bradley Cooper was talking about is he was like,

I don't know where it's going to go. You know what I mean? Oh, really? Hey, I want to come on being in. Did he cater it with his cheese sticks? Because those look great. One day, yeah. I want to try.

Hey, I want to come up for you. I love it when it be spitting and farting. He loves the memes. Oh, I don't know that meme. We got to wrap up. Do you guys want to roll into a Patreon? You're hanging? I mean, it's a trap.

How long is it? It's 45 minutes. 45 minutes. I can't. I'll stay. That'd be for the best. Hey, everybody, thanks for tuning in for another episode. Wait, can I plug my special one more time?

Yeah, plug it again, Renan. Come see, what you can't? Come see, come watch. Spin this camera the whole time. It's the light. It's the light. I'll plug it. Ronan is an incredible comedian.

He's so. fucking funny. He's so fucking highly respected in the comedy scene, not in the civilian scene, but in the comedy scene, we all know, he's so fucking good and he has a new special coming out called Drowdly Jewish. Morbidly Jewish.

His words, everyone's foggis. Morbidly ill beast. It's called Big Fatty, you shouldn't have a kid. It's called morbidly Jewish. It's coming out on YouTube. It's called Dead by the Kid's Fifth Birthday. Is it coming out by January 15th? Yeah, man. Oh, well, subscribe to the it's coming out before. Yep. Subscribe to my YouTube channel or watch it January 15th.

Share it. I need people to watch it. Yeah. You know. Share it. Stop giving all the credit to the TikTok. But it's also good. So, you know, I came off too beggy.

I was like, I'll suck your dick. Watch it. I need to be more. I'll suck your dick. Luke Monis. Find me on Ron Onza special. Yep. He does.

He plays me. I do his soul. I do his role. I'm sorry. Luke is doing the sign. I'm doing it. Comedian should eventually just, yeah, like, play each other in a special.

Like, Sigura could play like Chrys. Let's not roll into a bit. Let's just do the, let's... Don't we do that every Halloween? Yeah, but if it was like an actual special that came out. What'd that be a waste of buddy? Jordan? Busted up, comedy tour, punchup.

Live slash wagon and on my website, Jordan Jensen,com, or something. And sell it. We got to sell it out. Numbers are looking great. You guys are doing great. Just now we got to sell the whole thing out. so that I can feel good.

Speaking of feeling good, come see me live. IanFidance.com, January 8th to 10, Denver Comedy Works, and then I'm at Comics Mohican Sun. The Emo's Not Dead Cruise saves the day just at it. I'm going to blow my voice out singing their songs. And then I'm in Austin, January 29th to February 1st, Cap City Comedy Club. I'm going all over at Eamfinance.com. YouTube.com slash Eamfinance Comedy to get Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs

on January 20th episodes every other Tuesday. And patreon.com slash beanie and pod. Subscribe to the show, early episodes, bonus episodes. And we'll see you next time. Sequits. Bye, guys. Thank you.