Bein' Ian With Jordan - On The Lamb W/ Craig Ferguson | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep151

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free with code SKA at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and get 10% off your Ridge order. Head to https://www.ridge.com/FIENDCLUB Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Craig Ferguson Here : https://www.instagram.com/craigyferg/ https://linktr.ee/craigferguson Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

Okay, I'm going to be in Washington, D.C., Austin, Texas, Brea, Greenville, South Carolina, Amsterdam, Paris, Portland. No, already to Portland, Oregon. I'm reading these backwards. Washington, D.C., Denver, Colorado, Dallas, Texas, Austin, Texas, Madison, Wisconsin, Spokane, Spokane, Washington, Brea, Rochester, New York, then Houston, Texas, then Greenville, South Carolina, then Dublin, then London, then Amsterdam, then Os Texas, then Greenville, South Carolina, then Dublin, then London, then Amsterdam,

then Oslo, then Stockholm, then Paris, then Berlin, then Nashville. Go to PunchUp.live.lives.jordanjensen. Ian's going to be in North Carolina, Wilmington, Tacoma, Washington, Spokane, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas, Indianapolis, Chicago, Illinois, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Omaha, Nebraska, Tulsa, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Houston, Texas. Go to punchup.live slash Ian Fydans for the tickets. Bye. go to www.michup.live slash Ian Fy Dance for the tickets. Bye. Or Ian Fy Dance.com.

Or Ian Fy Dance. Ah, come on. ["Wild Ride"] Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt So why ride when you're being Ian, being Ian

Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Been in multiple stores where parents are showing their kids and being like, this is what we used to listen to. We used to listen to this. There's a lot of Bill Cosby records in those bins. That's unfortunate. Yeah, there are a lot of those.

But they don't sell that. They don't sell. Or they really love the, there are a lot of them. But they don't sell that well. They don't sell. Or they really lower the price. They really, really lower the price. And I'll look through and it's like Bill Coughlin. Dude, I've seen it for like 10 cents. Yeah, it's rough. I just got a record player. Very happy with it. Oh, you did? Yeah. See, I think I played, we're on now, are we? Yes, yes, yes. So I got a new vinyl deck. Hold this to your mouth, would you? This?

Yeah. All right, like this close? Yeah, pretty close. Well, I didn't know you were a man. I didn't know you were a big tattoo guy. Well, I'm not a big guy, I'm not like you. You know what I mean? Well, look at that little guy peeking out.

Oh, you're a scoundrel. Get out of here. Take your shirt off. No, I won't take my shirt off. I only do arms and only black ink. Really? Yeah. Like her.

I screwed up on this red and I went for black. Well, actually, I thought that was a choice. I think that looks really good. Yeah, I'm thinking of color at some point. I thought I would go yellow. Yellow's good. A tiny little bit of yellow for maybe a bee. Oh, a little honeybee.

I had a little yellow on this butterfly I got the other day. You got lots of colors there though. You're like a children's book. Yeah. You got a lot of different colors. You can only read at a children's book level. And I am like a children's book and that I am enjoyed by all. Okay.

That's good. Or, or, or just children. That's maybe something you want to talk about. I feel like if I got my legs tattooed I'd have to wear shorts. Because I feel guys that have tattoos on their legs they wear shorts a lot. I wore shorts on stage for my special. Did you really?

How did that feel? Were you wearing snug underpants? Because I had to be fraying that people in the front row might get a little scrotum action. Well you've got a Scottish hawk. You've got some haggis down there then, yes? Well yeah. Yeah.

Well, I guess. I mean, I guess that's what you call it. No matter what it is, it's called haggis. Yeah. Everything's called haggis. Do you know that haggis is illegal in America? What is haggis? Really?

It's kind of like, now look, it sounds bad. Like, I don't want you to get upset. It sounds bad. Are you a that? I guess it's it's kind of like now, look, it sounds bad. Like, I don't want you to get upset. It sounds like you have a vegetarian. I am. Right. OK. So this is not for you. When did that happen? Literally four months ago. Remember, I had the meat diet and that made you guys even know each other.

I know. That that that how many times have we ordered things? I said, no, me, I'm not eating meat. Oh, I didn't know you were an official vegetarian. I thought you were a vegan or vegetarian. I would like to be vegan, but I need things. I said, no meat. I'm not eating meat. Oh, I didn't know you were an official vegetarian. Are you vegan or vegetarian? I would like to be vegan, but I need protein. I eat so much Greek yogurt. You know, I was vegan for about four years. Did it do anything? Yeah, I liked it a lot.

Really? Yeah, I liked it a lot. And I'm still mostly vegetarian, but I'll eat a little bit of meat now. Not red. I won't eat ever red meat, but I'll eat a little bit of chicken, maybe a little bit of fish and stuff, but not a haggis. But you can get the only legal haggis in America is vegetarian haggis. And it's really good. Okay. But what is real haggis?

Haggis is the liver and kidneys and lungs and bits of stuff of a sheep mixed with oatmeal and then cooked in the sheep's stomach lining. Can I be honest with you? That sounds delicious to me. Does it? You know, it is pretty delicious. I love oatmeal and I love liver stuff. Well, it reminds me of clearing out a crab. You ever eat crab? Yeah, I don't. I don't eat crab. As long as you see it right there. No, I never eat crab. Never eat lobster. Won't eat shrimp.

Won't eat any of those guys. No clams. Because it right there. No, no, I never eat crab. Never eat lobster. Won't eat shrimp. Won't eat any of those guys. No clams. Cause it's gross. Yeah, that's bugs. And I'll tell you another thing. I was like, I was, we had got our youngest boy. He's going to a new school. So we had to do a allergy panel.

So we were talking to the pediatrician about the, the, and my wife has a shell face allergy. So they were asking about, she was asking about that. And she said, no, no, and my wife has a shellfish allergy. So they were asking about, she was asking about that and she said, no, no, no. And then she was talking about lobster and crab are the same allergy group as house mites and cockroaches. It's the same kind of. Okay. But I'm a little bit for like maggot farming for protein. Well, did you see Blade Runner? The new one? Yeah.

But remember that there was a maggot farm in that. Do you remember that? No, that was in the one about the train. What's that one called? The Polar Express, but not. Polar Express? What's the one where they're all in? It's a very different vibe of the movie.

What maggot did you see? There was a maggot at the beginning. The guy is maggot farming. Oh right, of course. And then handsome Pete goes up and gets him because he's really a robot. But if you blend it together for protein, that seems better than- I think it's probably all right. I just don't, I mean, now you're a vegetarian.

It doesn't matter. You're never going to be part of that. Well, I was eating fish, but the other day I was eating fish and I started getting, I'm a vegetarian because I started getting repulsed by the idea of meat. Suddenly. Yeah, no, it's gross. I don't know what happened, but fish was fine. And then I had fish the other day and I was like, Oh, this is fishy.

Yeah, no, it's hard. I, I, I was, I was vegan for a long time. Then I ate a little bit during the lockdown. We were all home and my wife made a roast. There's none of the other, nobody else in the family was vegan. And they were, I was like, what would happen if I ate some of this? Like the kids were looking at me and stuff like that. And my wife said, you'd probably be all right.

Just take a little bit and be careful. And I took a little bit. I was like, oh, my God, it was bad. And then it was great. Yeah. But I kind of, I kind of got a rush from it a little bit. Yeah. It was like, yeah, I think I was a little iron deficient.

Yeah. So now I'm a little less strict about it, but I still, I feel like, I feel the same way about, do you guys smoke? I smoke cigarettes. Right. See, I don't, I haven't smoked cigarettes for maybe 30 years, but I feel the same way about, are you guys smoke? I smoke cigarettes. Right. See, I haven't smoked cigarettes for like maybe 30 years, but I still kind of consider myself a smoker.

Smokers are my people. I feel like I approve of it. And when I, when I smell smoke and cigarette smoke, first of all, if you sell a cigarette smoke in New York, it's like a breath of fresh air because most of it's weed. I hate it. I hate the smell of weed. I hate the smell of weed. Isn't that weird? I'm totally sober. I'm 10 years sober. We were just talking about the sobriety that I cannot quit cigarettes and I don't want to. How did you do it? I did it. I've been sober for a long time. I've been sober since 1992.

Wow. So it's that 33 years, I'm merely in. And I smoked for a couple of years after I got sober. But in 1996, I was in I was in L.A. and I got a job and I do OCD things like, if I get this job, I'll not smoke, I make little deals with the universe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have it where it's like, if the lightning strikes in 11 seconds, I'll break up with my boyfriend. Right. Right. Right. I get that. If I've got hold my phone and it's 11 minutes past the hour,

I put it down. And it's 11 minutes. If it's 11 minutes past the hour, I always put it down. That's good. It's weird. Yeah. What else? What? What do you tell yourself? If you don't put it down. It's not good. It's a sign. It should be done. Yeah. I got to put it down. Yeah. Or else what? What do you tell yourself? Well, if you don't put it down. It's a sign it should be done. Yeah, I got to put it down. Yeah. And I have a lot of little weird things like that. Like, I don't like to wear black higher up my body than any other color, because I feel like it's inviting death. Huh? Wait, black higher up my body than any other color.

That is inviting. You're all black. Yeah. But that's not body than any other color. That is inviting. But you're all black. Yeah, but that's not higher than any other color, is it? Everything I'm wearing is black. Oh, so if you had white pants and black shirt, that's what you're getting at. Well, first of all, I've never wear white pants and I really deeply resent the idea.

It might look good on you. No, that's not fair. Painter pants? No, no. With those tattoos. Maybe painter pants, yeah, okay. All right. But, yeah, maybe now you know what I'm thinking about, actually, you know summer's coming. Okay. All right. But yeah, you know what I'm thinking about it actually.

You know summer's coming. Yeah. All right. Yeah. But I, I, so anyway, what I did was I was, I got, I went up for a job for the Drew Carey show. It was a show I was doing. And I thought if I don't smoke, I'll get this job. And I got the job. And then I thought, well, if I don't smoke, then I'll get another job. And now I just, I keep thinking that if I start smoking, you'll lose everything. I'll lose everything. Also, it does give you cancer.

I don't know if you know that. It does kill you. Yeah. I don't believe it. I'll believe it when I see it. I use OCD to do so many things. Every time you go for, I'm 63 years old now. Every time you go, like you

go, I go for medicals like every day and the first thing they ask you is you smoke. And that's the first thing they always ask you, smoke. And it's a relief to say, no, I haven't for a long time. And then they go, all right, well, you can leave. But if you say you do smoke, then. Can you, can you initiate. Why do you think I keep smoking? Can you use OCD to quit smoking? No, I don't want to quit.

That's the thing. I love smoking. I didn't want to quit. I still don't want to quit. I haven't had a cigarette in 30 years and I still don't want to quit. But I, but it gives you cancer and I'm kind of selfish that way. That's all. But I, I understand. We were just doing close face argument talking. Oh yeah. Where you, I saw the signal line where couples go face to face and they argue and try to keep a straight face and it's hard because you're like so close. And her argument was, I think it's selfish that

you smoke knowing that you will have cancer. It is selfish. Are you guys a couple at the moment? No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. That's right. No, one nose is fine. Too many nos. Too many nos. That was a lot of nos. This is his house and I don't live here. Yeah. Okay. No, I mean, I get that. I figured that, but you know, it's polite to ask. It's polite to ask. I don't know. No, but my dad smoked the way he did and my dad passed away at 58 and my dad was the same way where he was like, I'm a cool Marlboro man. It's part of my identity and that's how he is. Yeah, I just like smoking. It's the only thing I love to. I totally understand that. I feel nothing but sympathy for you. I get it. And if I knew when I was going to die, if somebody said, okay, this is the date you're going to die, I'd start smoking. Yeah. Because then I'd know.

I'm honestly afraid of being sober and not having cigarettes. I understand that too. The first couple of years, I was like, I can't do it. Well, I'm sober and I'm still like, I don't know what I do with that. You know, I got to the other side of it when I was thought if I start smoking again, that's me. I'm heading back in. I'm going back in.

You know what I mean? Like, so I... Were you an alcoholic? Yeah, I still am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, but alcohol and have you guys heard of drugs? I love those. I did them too.

Drugs. Yeah. I can't, my thing is cocaine. I can never go near it again. I love the cocaine. It's just so, it's just the worst, best thing that'll ever be done. It's kind of, I also, it's like a vitamin that helps you drink as much as you like

and you don't black out. You don't black out. I mean, what a wonder drug. And it makes you really interesting too. To everybody, yeah. It makes everybody else interesting. It enhances your stories. People wanna hear about your screenplay.

They really do. And they wanna have you take over the auxiliary cord and play all the songs. For some reason, every time I did Coke, I became obsessed with Marshall Tucker Band. That's an interesting take. I don't know why, but I was always like, we got to put on Marshall Tucker Band. I feel like, I feel like cocaine is a serious drug, though, or, you know, people who are doing drugs and want to die. You know as opposed to this you know smoking weed.

Yeah. I don't feel that. A serious? Yes. It's not proper. It's not proper drugs. No. I think it's for losers. For losers. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny I. For losers? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was, it's funny. I was arguing with my oldest son about marijuana and I was saying, exactly, I said, it's an

adolescent drug. And he said, what do you mean? I said, well, take a serious stuff. You're going to take a drug, take a grownup drug. Yeah. Cocaine. Your wife is screaming. Steal some methadone.

Like, what are you doing? What's that though? That's decaf. I feel like, did you, when I lived in the East Village, when I was in my early 20s, we used to do something called the speed balls. You know the speed balls? Yeah.

With the cocaine. And heroin. I was stuck in jail with a girl who got a speed ball. You were in jail? Just for a night, but I was with a woman who did a speed ball. You were in jail? Just for a night. But I was with a woman who did a speed ball right before she got in and she was amped. Yeah. It's an interesting thing because you know like in the old timey westerns when the cowboy

gets, you know, like he gets captured by the Indians and they put the time to one horse going that way and one horse going the other way. That's a speed ball. Yeah. What is it? It's speed and cocaine? It's cocaine and heroin or like an upper and a down. What does it feel like? See now I just do coffee and melatonin. I do coffee, that's it. But I love coffee. I would have a very hard time giving up coffee. I couldn't do it. I really couldn't do it. I'm not willing to do it. It's

like you with the cigarettes. I'm just not willing to do it. But do people go to you, you gotta quit coffee. No. You know, the coffee is bad for you. Look, I mean, at this point, you know, I, I don't, I don't do drugs. I don't do alcohol. I don't smoke. I'm kind of vegan most of the time. I mean, I get Mormons coming up to me saying, you might want to lighten the fuck up. Norman's coming up to me saying, I might want to lighten the fuck up. I don't know what to do. It's just like, so I feel like I live very clean. And I like it, you know, I mean, like, I don't,

like I don't, I see people eating bacon. Like I love the smell of bacon, but I'm not going to eat bacon. You know what I mean? I could, I feel like I could, like I love the smell of cigarettes and bacon at the same time. Reminds me of my dad.

Yeah, same. Yeah, my dad was a pig. Yeah. No, my dad was a pig. Yeah. No, my dad was a vegetarian, but then he would eat one Kobe beef burger once a year on his birthday. OK, and get so sick every year. Why did he do it? He just loved it. And he was like me where he gave it up because of the.

I mean, I'm grossed out by it right now, but like a big part of the meat thing is the love for animals. But he just like wanted to eat meat. I had a buddy who would smoke crack only on his birthday. So it's kind of like your dad. That's kind of impressive in the kind of Sherlock Holmes sort of a way. Do you know what I mean? Like, like if I, if I smoke crack, I'd see you.

Yeah. You know, I mean, I don't know what's going on. If I, if I had a line of Coke or a beer, like that's it. I'm done. You know, we were just talking about that. Cause I, I, uh, I don't know how you got sober or the process you went through, but I, I go to places for people. I'm a very good friend of Bill's and I have not seen Bill in a little while. And that idea crept up real heavy.

Two weeks ago I was in Ottawa and I was like, man, I would really like a soup at a pub. And I walked into a pub. You ain't going for soup. It just everything was so loud and I was like, I would this would why shouldn't I? And then I literally like and walked out and like called a sober friend and like told him myself, but it doesn't go away. I've done that. I had one years and years ago.

I, uh, I remember being in a hotel in New York. I wasn't living in New York at the time. I went to the mini bar. I was about 10 years sober. I actually, I went to the mini bar and I opened it and it was all the stuff was in it and I thought I'll just take a can of beer just to feel the weight of it in my hand. I hadn't like, how do you, why do I need to feel the weight of a can of, and so I put it back in and ran off to meet some of my friends who were in a church basement and

told them about it. And they said, yeah, that's the thing. But it kind of, it never goes away. I don't think. The hotel one is a huge, I mean, I was on a plane two days ago and my friend was just getting plastered because we were in first class and he was just drinking

and his screwdriver was sitting right next to me and I was like, this is my closest person in my life and they are blacked out right now. It seems crazy that I can't take one sip because we're so close. Well, I think the thing is, is when I got sober, I was very evangelical about it.

You know, I was very kind of like, I wanted other people, I wanted to tell other people, first of all, like if a waiter came to the table, they'd say, would you like a drink? And I'd be like, no, I used to drink and now I don't drink. Like they give a fuck.

And now I kind of feel like you do your thing. I mean, I'm not, I feel like I made a deal with the universe if you like, that if somebody needs my help to get sober, I gotta help them. That's the deal. But how that plays out sometimes is a little odd. You know, like someday it will come up But how that plays out sometimes is a little odd. Like someday it will come up or put a comment on something on social media and say,

can you help me? And I'm like, no, I can't do that. I can't go on social media and help you, but you know where the meetings are? They're there, they will help you. So it's kind of tricky, but I feel like that take, that's the only weapon against that impulse you're talking about is to find somebody that needs to. Is your wife sober? No.

Wow. No. Whoa. No, she's a Yankee, my wife. She likes to drink the wine. Nice. Drink the wine. And that doesn't get in the way?

That doesn't fly? Yeah, she doesn't get in the way. That doesn't. Yeah. She doesn't drink it that much. I mean, she's like drinks like a human. And she'll see things like, I'm going to stop now. I'm starting to feel it. I'm like, that's not, that's not, that's the start of drinking. That's not the stop of drinking. Starting to feel it is, that's it beginning to work. Like, oh no, I'm starting to feel it. You can finally smile and feel okay. Yeah, that's like, oh, the monkey is off my shoulder. Yeah. It's, it's an interesting thing that I watch it with it and people who, like, if somebody's having a glass of wine or something, normally I don't, I don't even notice it a lot of the time, but if I'm feeling a little

weird or squirrely, sometimes I will notice it. And then I'm like, why aren't they drinking it? And they'll like, they'll, they'll leave it. They'll leave some. When they leave some, that blows my mind. It's crazy. That's the real alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is crazy. When they leave it there, I feel the same way about food. When people leave food, I'm a food addict and I'm always like, how the fuck? I feel like people that leave food on their plate are kind of, I feel like they're kind of lording it over me a little bit. I think that they're involved. I view them as Buddhist monks. Yeah, it's, I fear them. Yeah, I really fear them. It's the same way I fear women who smoke weed. Cause I'm like, we have the most demented fucked up brains that are constantly

living in a state of fear and you're going to get high. That's crazy. Weed is an interesting thing. I always thought that the approach to weed is kind of like discrimination against my people. Yes. Because my people have to hide their, you know, their shame in a little brown paper bag. I mean, you can walk down the street smoking weed and everybody's got to inhale it. But if you're even drinking a beer, better be in a paper bag or you're going to the pokey. I mean, that doesn't seem fair to me. It's a form of public escapism. Yeah.

Well, also it's medically given to people too. Like, well, you know, here's permission from a doctor. Yeah, that's right. Where's my fucking permission for a goddamn half town of Anca? I know some doctors that'll say, hey, you want to get a drink? That's all right. But I feel like every now and again, when you get like, there's a, a survey comes out of France saying, yes, if you drink a red wine

every day, it's very good for you. Oh, well during the pandemic, I, I don't even know if it's real, but I could have sworn I read an article that was like cigarettes help fight off COVID. And I was like, see, I've heard, I've heard weird things about nicotine. Have you guys heard of the worldwide web internet? Yeah. Right. So I feel that that thing spreads sometimes information. It isn't a hundred percent reliable. Occasionally. Cause I had heard in the New York times will say shit that I'm like, how the fuck is this possible? You get, Let's get into it. It's crazy. It'll be like not one Gen Z-er has had sex since 2015. And I'm like, what?

Yeah. I feel like that, you know, years and years ago, before the New York Times was a website, it used to be a paper. Yeah, it was in paper form. Yeah. It was amazing. And people would, people had little hats like this and they they would say, all the latest news. And they would tell you, they would sell you the paper. And in the paper, there was on a Sunday, there used to be a section called the style section in the New York Times on a Sunday. And it was full of fucking garbage.

It was really good to read, like gossip and weddings and stuff, and you know, it was just, it was like really easy and stuff. And now I feel like the New York Times is all that sex. It's all that sex. I know there's nothing boring in it anymore. Yeah. And the boring stuff is probably where the information is. It's gotten crazy. This old, the Trump Elon thing. I was talking about this and I was like, this is a bad world we're living in, but man is this fun just to watch these two queers battle it out like this. Just two little bickering gay men being like, well, I'm going to take your allowance away, badge. It's so awesome.

I feel like that is one way to look at it. And it's good that we all have perspectives. to look at it. And that it's good that we all have perspectives. I think that's great. It's not necessarily mine, but I feel like when I watched those two guys get together, I was like, this is all the success of Brangelina written all over it. It is. Yeah. Yeah. And they were so cozied up before. It was always just Trump sitting and Elon over there. And now we're watching their big public. You know when actors fall in love when they're making the movie? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then at the end of principle photography. Yeah. Yeah. Then they got to do the press conferences together and the yeah. And then they start hating

each other because they love the truth. You guys know Warren Beatty? Yeah. All right, so I had lunch with Warren Beatty once I was directing a movie and I wanted his advice. And he's really helpful guy. He's really nice and really kind of helpful. And I was sitting down with him and I said, at lunchtime he said, no, let me just tell you this. Here's what I've learned being a director all these years.

You can have a relationship. You can have sex with your leading lady. I was like, okay, that wasn't a question I had. Yeah. I don't know. I said, but he said, but you can have sex with your leading lady, but you mustn't stop,

that you mustn't end that relationship before the end of principal photography. Wow. Because he and Diane Keaton broke up when they were filming Reds. He was the director and the star in the movie Reds and he and Diane Keaton were a night and then they broke up during the film and the movie and he was the director. I said, how was that? And he went, it's a little awkward.

Yeah. It was a little awkward. I'm not going to lie. So apparently that's what happened. He was the director and the protagonist? Yeah, he was the star and the director of the movie. Oh wow. But that kind of works because they were having a fraught relationship. That'd be funny if they broke up and then in one scene he's like, okay,

Diane, in this scene, you're going to admit to how you bring things up over and over. You won't let things go. It's kind of where I think the character should go. You just say it on camera. I think that's kind of weird. No, listen, I don't know any more than that, but I feel like it would be awkward. I don't think that would happen now. I don't think that would happen now. I think back then in the 70s, everybody was doing that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that.

There's Gen Z, they would be smoking weed and... I can't imagine what director now would date. That's like a minefield. So it'd be a nightmare. No, I think it happens all the time. You think? Yeah. Really?

The director. I mean, the movie I was in Bradley Cooper directing it. Did you do it? Did you and Bradley you and Bradley Cooper do a thing? I mean, we are in a committed relationship. Okay, that's fine. New York Times. All that's fit to print. I can imagine him getting close.. Okay, that's fine. New York Times, all that's fit to print.

I can imagine him getting close. You know, he's hot. I could imagine him getting close to somebody on the thing. But now is it like, honey-cooth? Didn't that happen with him in Lady Gaga? I don't know. But he didn't direct that movie. Yeah, he did, but no, I don't think he did.

Yeah, he directed that movie. Oh, he did? Yeah, yeah, I think he did. When I was doing Late Night, Radley Cooper was on the Late Night Show and he is kind of, he's attractive. Hell yeah. Yeah, he's attractive. Hell yeah. But he had the camera up in my face like this and was like telling me daddy, like directions, like being like, do this, do this.

I could totally imagine being like, what else should I do? You know, I kind of had the same thing going on with them too. I was like, okay, what do you want Bradley? I was like, you want to go to a commercial break? We can go back. I don't know. I mean, it's a, yeah, he's break? We can go back. I don't know. It's yeah, he's an attractive man.

I don't know. Do you guys do a lot of movies? Do you do that still? I don't. I only did one. You did one? Yeah. That's enough. That's funny.

I did one and I had one line. Nice shorts, jerk off. You may have. I saw that movie. Really good. Was that, was that Ghostbusters? I loved you in that. Thank you. Thank you.

I appreciate it. Acting classes were worth it. Did you do all that? Was that your thing? I know. Did I take a commercial acting class? That'd be so fun. I would love that.

I want to act really bad. I love acting. It's so much easier than stand up. Just do it then. Like now, just do it now. Oh yeah, let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. All right, I'll be coming in with some bad news.

And you can tell in my face that there's bad news, but I don't wanna tell you, because it's pretty bad. All right. Okay. Hey, what's up? I don't have the money. Oh.

What's going on, dad? Oh fuck. I said it right away. I just said it right away. You got to hold it a little. Yeah, sorry. I'll do. Yeah. Can you? Okay. All right. Let's start again. Oh, again. Okay. Ask me again. What's wrong? No, I was thinking about your cat. He's great. He loves his cat. Will always be. In a way, remembered.

Oh, I can't forget him. I have to say, when I came in, because you have a cat. Well, I have two. I thought maybe, because I saw a lot of places where cats can go to the bathroom on the way in here. Plenty. I thought there's just, like, if I was a cat, I would just like you can go anywhere.

You feel like this was heaven. Continue. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do you have toxoplasmosis? What? It's not a thing like toxic plasmosis. Yeah. You can get like some kind of weird schizophrenia system, mimic symptoms. Stop. I'm trying to listen.

What are you talking about? From cats. Cat scratch fever kind of thing? Cat scratch fever. Cat scratch fever. Yeah. Actually, to be honest, my cat did scratch my face last week. Did you get that?

The scratches are okay. It's if the cat bites you, you gotta go to the doctor. Really get that. And you feel the scratches are OK as if the cat bites you. Go to the doctor. Really? Yeah. That's true. No, cats should not be pets. Right. You're wrong. No, no, no. You're a dog. I have cats and dogs, but they and horses and a rabbit.

You have horses. You're a rabbit. California. Yeah. You know, in America. Yeah. Nice. It's a good place California? Yeah, in America. Yeah, nice. It's a good place to live. It's a good place to live, yeah. By the way, Craig Ferguson's on the show. I live in America.

Yeah. But the... He lives wherever he lays his head. I do. Wherever I lay my head, that's my home. That is. And the... His hat's here. I live here.

Yeah, you've been here. Welcome. Yeah. Would you like a cat? No. I don't like it. You're a cat. No, I don't want a cat. All the latest news. The.

I I don't have horses. I'm married to a horsey woman. Yeah. Who has horses. She has two big horses and a little kind of backup horse. Backup horse? It's like a Shetland pony. Oh, nice.

It's like a fucking large cat. Yeah. Backup horse? Yeah. It's you know, if one of the horses breaks down, you get the other horse going. It's kind of like, you know, if one of the horses is like, oh, horses are. I'm telling you, if it wasn't for humans, horses would have years. Really? Years ago.

So it's it we're not at fault for riding them around Central Park. They should be lucky. I heard we bred them to be that big that they used to be little. Now, one of the horses my wife has big, that they used to be little. No. One of the horses my wife has still is little. Little, stayed little. I think it's a little, they're so angry. They don't like men, they only like women.

This is my belief about, this is my hot take. Horses hate all men and they love women. Cowboys they listen to because they've whipped them into submission. Right, do you watch Yellowstone? Yes. I went through. Yeah, but it ruined my, it became, I became my personality. I bought turquoise all of a sudden.

I was wearing big belts. Do you remember that phase? Yeah. When I went through my phase, it was rough. Have you ever been Albuquerque? This tattoo while I watched Yellowstone, that's a dead cowboy. That was during my Yellowstone phase. Have you ever, you ever been Albuquerque? No. Oh, you got it. You should have made a left. while I watch Yellowstone, that's a dead cowboy. That was during my Yellowstone phase.

Have you ever been to Albuquerque? No. You should have made a left. Albuquerque is the place, if you're on the road, go to Albuquerque because they have there the Rattlesnake Museum and like a square in the center of town where they have all the turquoise that anyone could want.

Maybe we should go to vacation in Hilberger. Yeah, or Taos. You gotta be, you're not a couple, but you go on vacation together? Well. But you're like friends. He just goes like this, we should go on vacation.

And I go, yeah. And then we don't do it. All right, I get it. They are friends. We should take an acting class. I said, yes. Acting class is a little bit less of a commitment than going on vacation to be honest.

You know what I mean? Like, I feel like, I feel like we should take an acting class as something you can't kind of say in a bar. Yeah. We should on a vacation to be honest. I mean, like, I feel like, I feel like we should take an acting class of something you can't kind of say in a bar. Yeah. We, we should take a vacation of something you say in a marriage. We were just talking about how we need to go on a vacation. Right.

Not together though. Well, I would have never agreed to it. But where would you go? Have you been to the Bahamas? I'm not saying that I don't like the ocean. There's a couples retreat in Jamaica that you... A couples retreat in Jamaica. Do you like you been to the Bahamas? I'm not a sand. I don't like the ocean. There's a couples retreat in Jamaica. A couples retreat in Jamaica. Do you like the lake or the ocean better?

Ocean. You're a lake gal. I'm an ocean guy. I just don't get the appeal. I don't get it. The sand sucks. Love the beach. How can you not love the sandy beach? The ocean is a bitch that should not be reckoned with. We shouldn't go in there.

A lake is a place that has pond scum and too many things on the bottom that aren't moving. Yeah, the ocean has ones that kill you. They do have that. And I walk in there. You can't argue with that. I'm not a beach. I don't like the beach.

You always have to be horizontal. There's very few things that will kill you on the beach. Mostly humans, basically. Yeah. But sharks aren't coming up the beach. Yeah, no. Who wants to get hit by a shark? What? How?

Like in your car? No, yeah. That's what happened. I was in my car and there was a shark. Sharks are bad drivers. Yeah. You know, I hosted Shark Week once for the Discovery Channel. No way. Oh my God. Yeah. We went to the Bahamas and I went diving with the sharks and there was no cage.

They just come up and they bump into you and stuff like that. And there was a- What? Are they aggressive? You went in the water with the cage around sharks. Yeah, but not all sharks are great white sharks. I mean, there are some sharks- Oh, like whale sharks? Well, there weren't whale sharks there.

Hammerhead? Nurse, there was a hammerhead shark. There were nurse sharks. They're not- Nurse sharks are- Nurse? Nurse, nurse. Yeah. They're kind of bossy and they wear big sneakers and they have the big white

white, but you know, the, the, um, the male nurse sharks have two penises side by side. I'm now I'm into the ocean. Yeah. Two penises right there. No way. Side by side. Just like lined up like a like a like a village bar in the 1980s.

Same size or is one for mouth and one's for pussy. Yeah. I don't know. Talk about a backup horse. I don't. I think that, you know, they I don't know if they use them both at the same time or maybe it's for like orgies and stuff. I don't, I think that, you know, they, I don't know if they use them both at the same time or maybe it's for like orgies and stuff. I don't know. How, have you seen this?

Well, look, I'm not a shark expert. I have seen it though. I have seen it. And they let you host shark week and you're not a shark expert. I'm not a shark expert. And what is that, Ethan? That's the two cocks.

It's the two penises. I wonder if it's for different, let me see. Oh my God. It looks like they go in at the same time though. No wonder if it's for different. Let me see. Oh my God. It looks like they go in at the same time though. No, that just looks like a fat pussy. I don't know. Maybe you're bringing a little yourself to that. I don't know if that's something to say.

Either way, it looks, let's just call it delicious. It's certainly a surprise, but I figured that that may have something to do with the shark's temperament. The male shark's temperament, you have two penises, but you have no fingers or hands. So, masturbation is... So, he was trying to... I don't know. Fuck you?

I don't know. Maybe. He liked me, is what I'm saying. He did like you? I don't know if he liked me, but he liked me. Were you scared that they were going to bite you? Yeah, I was very scared. I was very scared.

And then when I finished it, it was one of those things like I would down and we, we swam around with the sharks and then I can back up and I was like, I'm really glad I did that. I'm never ever going to do that again. Yeah. Like cocaine. Yeah. In fact, not even cocaine.

Cause I wish I hadn't done cocaine. Yeah. But the sharks- You swam around with a mask? Yeah, but I wasn't doing cocaine. Oh, okay. Good, good, good, good. Yeah.

I had a mask cause I do the scuba diving. You still do that? Yeah, well, not near sharks. Yeah, I like scuba diving. I've never gone. I've always wanted to. It's really nice. It's great. It's very chill. I followed like a giant turtle once too deep, so it hurt, but it was if I could get over it, it hurts like you when you pressure in your ears. Man, it's like fun when you don't pressure in your ears, man. It's like fun to follow them around. Really? Yeah. I would like the big flippers to like, yeah, you can do that too.

If you want, just alone, you can do that. We know a kid who was on Jackass named poopies. Okay. Who did shark week and he got his hand. He got his thumb bit off by a shark. Yeah. In Shark Week. See, that's Jackass Shark Week. When I did Shark Week, I was working at Late Night and CBS, so they probably had doped up the sharks and stuff. Yeah. Whereas they jack up the sharks for Jackass. Yeah.

They get a bit different. Yeah, they would be fucking those two penises if it was jackass. They'd probably get involved. I, yeah, maybe they would. I don't want to say for sure. I think there was one episode where they put, they put crabs. Do they still have sweeps? I don't know. There's sweeps I think.

Do they have that in the World Wide Web? All right, everybody in the World Wide. Do you know what I miss? I miss that you guys are probably not old enough. Do you remember the worldwide world of sports? The wide world of sports. Do you remember that? Wait, was that hosted by Brian Gumbel? And Frank Gifford used to do it as well.

Frank Gifford and Evel Knievel used to be on wide, wide world of sports. That's when a sport was jumping over double decker buses on a fucking trail bike. Used to be a sport. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Decker buses on a fucking trail bike used to be a sport. Yeah. That's awesome.

Yeah. That was on TV. He had the jumpsuit with a... As someone from Scotland. That's right. You don't have to say it like that. It's not like, it's not a shame thing. It's not like, so you're from Scotland.

I am. Yeah. We got a message from your agents that said, don't mention Scotland. Whatever you... Nah, fuck you. Just don't bring it up. you do. Ah, fuck you. Just don't bring it up. He does not like it.

My agents are in Scott. Who was your first American hero? Like, as a... Neil Armstrong. Really? Yeah, because I was a little kid. So you were like, you looked up to a liar. Oh man, are we going there?

Do you know, I know Buzz Aldrin. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And... Did you know, I know Buzz Aldrin. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And did you ever talk to him about him punching that guy? Well, it never came up because it, but he did punch that guy. I've seen that. Yeah. Buzz was the fun one, right? Yeah. Buzz was, it had a name for a reason. With a name like Buzz, you can't not be a fun guy.

He was very helpful to me when I was at, you know, silver, getting silver. Oh, no way, that's so cool. Lovely guy. Wow. I bet you'd have to be fucked up a lot to do with not going into space every damn day. Yeah.

To just live on the planet. I know a couple of, I've met a few astronauts and they're a little weird. Really? Yeah, they're all a little weird. Like autism? You guys ever done, have you heard of the acid? You ever done the acid? You ever done the acid?

I have done the acid. All right, okay. So you know when you do the acid and you come back from being away and you're back, but you're not the same as you were. It's like a scuba diving. You go scuba diving, you come back, you're a little different.

Yeah, you're a little different. I feel like space is probably like that too. I mean, we should ask, you should have Katy Perry on because she went to space. She went to space. I just still don't know if she went to space. I did see photos where her hair was not floating in zero gravity.

Could have been good hairspray. Yeah, I feel like her hair might not move that much. Yeah, it's true. It might be plastic. Or her face really. I think she's had a lot of work done. Actually, really, I don't follow her career. Ridge wallet. If your wallet still looks like it's a growth hiding in your pocket, it's time to upgrade to a ridge wallet. The ridge wallet expands and holds up to 12 cards plus room for cash while remaining as slim as possible. I love the ridge wallet

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Try your first month of BlueChew free when you use promo code SKA. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code SKA. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information and important surface information. I think it's very impressive that she went to space. I know people are dogging her, but going to space is the scariest thing I could think of. Is it really?

Oh yeah. Did she really go to space? The claustrophobia? Or did she just go a little higher than a plane? I feel the other way. You know when these people went down to the- Submarines? Oh, I have my stomach.

It's the same though. It's the same pressure chamber. I don't know. I feel like when they went down that Titanic thing, I used to have nightmares about that stuff. I was like, Oh, yeah. And they were using a Nintendo Wii controller or a GameCube controller. Yeah. Rich people that went in that submarine. Some guy brought his son. I mean, that's so scary. Yeah. The new mission impossible has a sick submarine scene and it does make you feel.

I have seen the new mission impossible. It's goofy as hell. It's a little goofier than the other one. Like the two part thing. I like the first part of the two part ending. Don't ruin it. I'm not going to tell you the story, but I am going to just say my opinion was

I kind of liked the first one better. Cause I, you know, the, like when they were on the train and the remember all that. You mean seven? Was that seven? Six. Well it was the one before this one. Yes, yes. I like that one a lot.

But I hate Gabriel. That guy is a dork. Well you meant to him. He's the bad guy. No but he's he's a soap opera guy to me. Like at one point in the most recent one, he goes by and wipes his hand along the glass. I'm like, this is too silly. Did you see him in Ozark?

He's great in that. Fucking great. Amazing. That is a great, great, you know, it's funny. We were watching that during the lockdown. My wife's American. She was born and grew up here and we were in Scotland during the lockdown, during COVID.

We were watching Ozark. It was a fucking dark show. Yeah. And we were watching it and all this dark stuff happening in America and, you know, bugs and stuff. And, and she went, I want to go home. And it was funny because we started to want to go home. And then I would, did you see that, that, uh,

that movie maybe a year ago or two years ago, Civil War, when it was like the, the imagining of a civil war and I didn't see it, but it's very intense, very dark, but I watched it when I was in Scotland and I was like, yeah, I'd like to go back to America. It was weird. Why is that? I don't know. I like it here. I particularly New York City. I feel like it's kind of like I feel at home here. Yeah. When did you move to New York? Well, it's kind of open ended because I it was I kind of came and went a little bit.

So when you're filming late late you we did that in LA. Oh, that was in LA. Yeah. Everybody thinks it's New York because it's dark outside, because LA you don't think of it as being dark outside, but we were in LA. I first came to New York when I was 13 years old from Scotland. My dad and I got a cheap flight. It was the first of the cheap flights, like these really, really cheap flights. And we came over, my uncle James and my aunt Susan live in Long Island.

We come over at visit them. It cost us like 50 bucks to come over from Scotland to come to America. So the first place I ever went to in 1975, and the first place I ever went to outside of Glasgow was New York City. Yeah. I was like, whatever the fuck this is. It was great. I want to be part of this.

And then to have a New York City in 1975, what part of New York city did you? Well, we were, we were, we did the tourist stuff in Midtown and stuff like that. And then we were out in Smith town in Long Island. That's where that's where, but then I came back in 1984, 83, 84, and I was living in the East village. Wow. Oh, that must've been so cool. Yeah.

I'm just thinking of like AIDS. No, I'm good. You don't want some? We have some if you'd like. They, no, it was fun. That was, it was just beginning. It was funny because if you forget about the panic of all that, they didn't know if it was airborne and stuff.

I remember there was a court case where everyone was wearing masks in the court because they didn't know if AIDS was transmitted through the air and stuff. People were freaking the fuck out about it. And I was living in the village and there was a lot of young men who just went away. It was crazy. Crazy. Especially in the art world, right? Yeah.

Well, I was just thinking in terms of like, I mean, obviously I wasn't around them, but you know, looking back, it's like, wow, that was like the epicenter of culture and art and punk. It was a moment for sure. Could you feel that when you were living there? There was definitely you wanted, there was an atmosphere about it. You know, it was, it was great. And we used to like Grandmaster Flash lived in my building, used to wear this ankle length gold, Lame coat when he was walking around like, oh my God, it's so

great. And we used to, we used to go over to the Roxy was a club on the West side. On Monday nights, uh, people would go there and it'd be different kind of music. And then there was like limelight and dance interior. We're uptown. And then I watched as a doorman, a club called save the robots, which was on C and four, uh, which was, um, it's, it's kind of a little like this, actually. It's kind of this kind of vibe, but a lot more drugs.

Um, what did the Avenue stand for? All aware, be careful,, death. What were they? Yeah, that sounds about right. I wasn't aware of that, but you didn't really need an acronym to do it. You kind of just, you could feel it. It was scary. Was there a lot of violence? It was scary. Was it really as scary and dangerous as people make it out to be? Yeah, it was scary and dangerous for sure. In fact, I was filming a thing. I'm doing this documentary about, I'll tell you about it later, but I was filming this thing a couple of days ago and we were filming a scene on the subway in New

York. And I hadn't been on the subway since, I haven't been in the subway in 40 years. I haven't been in the subway since the 1980s. And I got on, I was like, this, people, this is not the fuckings. And I got on it, I was like, this is not the fucking subway. People are entering and leaving with their money. They're like alive. There's not even graffiti on the trains. That's so funny because the World Wide Web makes you believe that it's a fucking apocalyptic, scary nightmare. Again, I'm going to double down on this. I feel like the World Wide Web may not be entirely reliable as a source of information. And I've said it again. Good that somebody's saying it. I'm just glad you're saying it and we have it on record.

I believe everything I read. What was the year that we went on there and like pretty much every time there was somebody doing heroin, there was a year where it went back to the 80s vibe. Around the lockdown. Oh, okay. I'd heard that during during COVID. And then afterwards it did become very gnarly. And I've I've seen stuff with my own eyes.

It makes me go because I've been in the city since 2003. Right. It's never been this level of like sketchy, weird kind of there's like this vibe of just. It's very strange strange like an eerie feeling but then I'll talk to people that lives through the 80s and 90s and like yeah this is nothing compared to what it was and I'm like oh I think we were just so spoiled by New York being like the safest city in the entire world that now that it's just not as safe and shiny it feels like oh my god

it's horrible but it's nothing compared to the way it was. It really was very different then. It felt very dangerous. Like I live in the Upper East Side. And I mean, it's kind of like the Upper East Side in the 1980s, you were like, don't walk around there, you'll get mugged. You get mugged in the Upper East.

That's the Upper East Side. You know, I mean, that's crazy, but you would. And then at the weekend there, I was filming up in 184th street, which you just wouldn't go there in the 80s. It's just too dangerous. You just couldn't. Is it Harlem, technically?

That's the Heights. That's Washington Heights. Towards the Bronx. It's right up at the top. And it was fine. It was nice. It's so nice out there. It's a neighborhood.

Yeah, it's beautiful. And I actually, you know, when people complain about neighborhoods getting gentrified, I'm like, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with gentrified. What it always is, I always think it is, is when the gays move in. Gays move in, things start to get better. Yeah, the gays, and then it's the young people.

They zhush it up. The gays, if you see it, you see it is the line in Los Angeles, right? It's Los Angeles and West Hollywood and it goes down the street La Brea. On one side of La Brea, fucking shit hole. And the other side of La Brea, where it becomes West Hollywood, beautiful. It's just beautiful. They go, my God, you can just see it. All the way down. Well, it's like Florida. The one good part of Florida is St. Pete and it's just where all the gays went.

I have to say, Florida is my guilty pleasure. I love it. I am a, I could take it off the map. Do not mind Florida. I really don't mind. I think Florida gets a really bad rap. It gets a hard time. I kind of love it. I think Florida gets a really bad rap. It gets a hard time. I kind of love it. I think Florida gets so much hate and there are just weird people that want to be left alone.

Every time I know they're I want to take my own life. A lot of them are on the lam, which I kind of enjoy. I think that's quite interesting, you know. The lam is such a good phrase. Hang on. Really good. A lot of people on the lam down in Florida. You like Key West? Yeah, I've never actually been all the way down to Key West.

Like Tallahassee. Miami is the further south of that. For me, my new favorite city is San Antonio. I love San Antonio. I'm all in on San Antonio. Yeah, that's a great city. I love San Antonio. My God, who knew? I never knew. Really? Oh, incredible. I love Texas. I got my ass tattooed in a Native Americans kitchen in San Antonio. Oh man, I want to live there. You know, when I was thinking a couple of years back, you know, when

you go to El Paso in Texas and you look over and see Juarez, yeah, a couple of years back, I was feeling pretty dark and I thought I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I was thinking I was gonna start drinking. I thought I'll go to Juarez and start drinking there. Cause I feel like if I start drinking there, it won't be too long before it's over. I never did, but I always felt that looking over. I thought, yeah, maybe if, so if anybody's looking, if you, like, if you hear, and you know, that I've disappeared, I'm probably in Juarez. Yeah.

What brought you there? When you were like, I don't really know. I kind of's. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What brought you there? When you were like- Which is a dark place? Yeah. I don't really know. I kind of like stop hanging out with my buddies. The, you know, I hadn't been doing meetings and I, it's kind of like, I don't know,

it kind of crawls up your spine sometimes. It does, yeah. Sometimes it's like fucking weather. Sometimes it just fucking rolls in. Yeah. You know, and you're like, oh my God, okay. What are we gonna do? And it's crazy because I always feel

infinitely better leaving a meeting than when I walk in and I feel like a million bucks talking to new people, talking to my friends, being of service, feel amazing, and then the next day I wake up and I forget every single thing that just made me feel good. Yeah, I know. And sometimes it feels insurmountable

to do the same thing I did yesterday. Yeah, no, it's weird. And it's so hard to string multiple days to get, but then when you do, you feel unstoppable and amazing. But it's that thing inside the brain that's just like, nah, man, you don't gotta do that today. You already did it yesterday. It feels great.

You feel fine. You'll be fine. I kind of try and figure it is like brushing your teeth. It's like, oh, I have to brush my teeth. I brushed my teeth yesterday. My depression tells me that too. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't, I'm not sure if I have depression or sometimes, I don't know.

I don't know. I feel like clinical depression is a real thing that I don't think I have that. But yeah, I can get fucking, fucking bleak sometimes. Yeah. You know, but luckily there will be people who even watch this, who'll be able to diagnose what I have and tell me about it. I don't know the difference between bleak and in clinical depression. I think clinical depression is like you really can't get out of bed.

Yeah. I mean, it's really debilitating. I mean, the people that I've met who have suffered from it is like Carrie Fisher had it actually, Carrie, you should get that. She got electric shock therapy and all sorts of things. Really? Wow. It's where it's a full you are suffering to the point of not being able to. I mean, it was horrible.

Well, even like. It's a bleak. I think you could call it bleak where you're just like, what is the point of going through the motions again? That might just be existential. I think you could call it bleak. Where you're just like, what is the point of going through the motions again? That might just be existential. I think it is existential angst. That's what you were talking about before. It is this just like what the wheels keep turning

over and over and you have to be doing it. I feel like the magic bullet for that is if you can somehow manufacture some kind of gratitude, it almost disappears almost. It's like, you can somehow be grateful, which is a kind of weird Pollyanna thing to say, but actually I feel like that's what it is. If I can manufacture, if I can somehow focus on what I'm grateful for, and I can be grateful for, it seems to lift the whole thing. But the entertainment industry, it feels like it has some satanic

force working behind it that makes it so you forget about entertainment industry, it feels like it has some satanic force working behind it that makes it so you forget about gratitude. It's almost like it wants you to. I think that's self-pity. You think? I think self-pity is the weak point. For me, I don't know about anyone else. In relation to entertainment.

Yeah, I feel like I get kind of like, and then you start, if you start kind of feeling bad about, you know, I should have this or I have, should have that. I feel like actually the younger generation of people who are in show business are a little better at it. I think they're a little more. The pie is bigger. Yeah, I think that may be it. Yeah, there's more to go around. The internet has made the pie a lot bigger. That's the same thing as the World Wide Web, right? Right. Yep. The pie is lot. That's the same thing as a worldwide web. Right? Right. Yeah. Yep. The pie is bigger.

I mean, I talked to Louie about it all the time and for him, it's like, there's this many writing jobs that you have to get in order to make it big. And this, and this writing job goes to this person and somebody you came up with. Whereas now it's like, you can, you know, I mean, you start your own thing. You could be in your house with two cats and make a successful podcast. Yeah. Which is great. Yeah. I think is I think that's fabulous.

Yeah. But that can give you existential dread to that. That because I wouldn't let people in my house. Yes. This house. No way. But sorry. But it is the tangibility of grabbing the pie of being like I write for Conan. You know what I mean? Whatever it is. I always imagined that to be juicier than like, I have whatever amount of followers

on this ethereal Instagram that is not something that's based in like reality. It depends on the metric you're using. For me, I always kind of liked traditional metric of cash. Yeah, cash is good. If you're making money, it's good. And I didn't realize how much less suicidal I would get once I had money. Really does buy happiness turns out.

I think to a certain degree it does. You can buy a bridge. Yeah, I think the bridge is not on a strong foundation. I'm a big fan of money and I'll take them bags of dollars from me anytime. But I think when it goes to the point where you people are like, like Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk or like, like that's a weird tick. Like how can you, what's the point of that? That's just not cool. How can you have that much and not feel such an innate sense of guilt to want to just give it to people? I would feel so horrible having all that and not be giving it to as many people.

I would feel so guilty. Yeah, I feel he's got other things like as like while you pick up the, you know, we have to pay Ethan, you have to pay your rent. We have to do he they pick up other things that are huge. They have to buy all the children that they have sex with. You know what I mean? They have to. What? They have to, you know, buy their way out of that. I just like to say for legal reasons, I'm only a visitor here.

You know what I mean? But they have to like pay off their own crazy amount. So the more money you get, the more other pots you have to. Mo money, mo problems. Yeah, mo money, mo problems. It's not like they're just sitting on bars of gold that they could be. I don't think they're sitting in bars of gold, but I think that, I think it's, it's kind of, look, I'm not an expert on money, but let's imagine that I had a thousand, a billion dollars.

Can I have some? So that's a thousand million, right? Yes. So they need a, they need a hospital in Tampa. That's a bad example. Let's say Gary, Indiana, right? They need a hospital. It's gonna cost $250 million here.

Here's the 250 million, go build a hospital. How hard would that fucking be? You know, like fine. And while I gave away that 250 million, the 750 million is accumulating more money because it sits around. You can do it again next week if you want. Yeah. Are they doing that? I don't know. I don't hear about it. Again, it's whoever's watching at home, get this to Bezos and let us know. Bezos has got to be doing something. I feel like he has a whole, he probably has a whole department dealing with

all that. Fake charities so that he can take a monopoly over the planet. I mean, there's gotta be, he's gotta be buying, there's gotta be a researcher. Again, for legal reasons, let me just reiterate. There's gotta be a researcher who figured out like the immortality key and he's buying the genetic makeup. You know what I mean?

Gaze upon my works, ye mighty and despair. What? You don't know that. What is that? Recognize it. It's it was a, who wrote that? Was it Shelley who wrote that? Um, gaze upon you, mighty, uh, my works, you mighty and despair. It's, uh, it's a, you're talking about West Hollywood again.

Well, it's, it's no gaze. No, it's a different gaze. It's it's it's gaze. Can you look that up? Have you got the the World Wide Web there? Yeah. I think it was Shelley. It was about Ozymandias, about the the king of kings. And it was really, I think it was based on Ramesses II, the pharaoh that lived to be 95. And he's like a god and built pyramids. Of course he dies and it all goes away and it turns to dust because that's coming for everybody. That's everybody. And I feel like the level of denial that may be money of that,

you know, like isn't there a guy in Silicon Valley who's like mixing his blood up with his son's blood and all that guy, that weird guy. Yeah. He looks so it's crazy how the better he gets at it, the scarier he looks. Yeah. Percy Shelley. Yeah. Shelley. It was Shelley, right? And it's the, it's the Ozzy Mandaes, right? Correct. Right. What's the quote? Gaze upon my works, ye mighty and despair for I am Ozzy Mandai's king of kings. Was that it? I'm trying to find the full one. I'm just seeing the despair and die, but let me find the full quote.

Right. OK, because I know a lot of people will want to know about the epic poems of Shelley. They watched this. Is Shelley Scottish? No, no, I don't think he was. Sounds like it. But maybe it's just how you say Shelley. Shelly?

You're violating Scottish, weirdly.'t think he was. Sounds like it. But maybe it's just how you say Shelly. Shelly? Shelly? Shelly? Weirdly. But that guy who's immortalizing himself. I mean, he has to. He's not Scottish. No. Scottish people don't want to live forever. He looks translucent. Yeah, he doesn't look well. He's studying his own child to make himself live forever, which feels very poetic that he's like ruining his own kid's life by sacrificing himself as a father. Look, I'm not a betting man, but I'm prepared to bet this time that that motherfucker is not going to live forever. I bet he's not going to live to a hundred. I doubt that guy's truly happy. How do you be happy constantly obsessing about your own mortality? I wake up at 6 a.m. I put my water.

That's the thing. It's like he's trying to live forever, but at the same time he's obsessing about his own death. I think that's what's interesting about it, and I think the obsession with his own son, which is probably making his son's life miserable. Oh, totally. No one in that sphere of people are truly happy, I think. I don't know. In the people that wanna live forever sphere?

Yeah. I don't know, who would wanna live forever? No. I mean, have you ever had... Vampires don't seem like they're the happiest people around. Vampires are very... Vampires freak me the fuck out. Really? That's freaky. I don't like that.

I think I would. Coming into your house and sucking your blood. Only if you let them in. Yeah, you've got to invite them in. Yeah, I like that. Invite them in. Yeah. That's right.

It's like the World Wide Web. I like them getting that. That's right. It's like the worldwide web. I like them getting so excited to go inside. It's like the worldwide web. People are like, oh, it's driving me crazy. Well, don't invite them. Wi-Fi. That's if you rearrange those letters that spells vampire. Vampire.

You're right. Nearly. Wow. Close enough. Very, very close. Close enough. And the W in Wi-Fi is like, thanks. It's like, thanks.

It's like the two penises on a horse. Yes. With the big shoes. and Wi-Fi is like, thanks. It's like, thanks. I like the two penises on a horse. Yes. You know what? You know what I'm grateful for is that everybody my age is forced to age at the same speed. Like, I can imagine a planet in which I got a special gene that had me age two years for every six months or something. But all of us have to die in my generation around the same time. What are you talking about?

Like all my friends will be old. They're forced to at the same time. Which is awesome. Like all my friends will be old. They're forced to at the same time as me. Because we're around the same age. Yeah, but we could all die tomorrow. I mean, you're talking to a guy who likes to smoke cigarettes. I know, well, not besides him. But like, you like think about if we lived in a world where I aged way slower than you

and you were like an old man and I stayed young Jordan That would be not a life not worth living. Oh the Benjamin Button movie. Yeah But us all being old together is like one of the reasons why I feel comfortable. That's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to going to Florida Because when I get old I'm down there I would love to get old and have every one of my friends live in the same apartment complex Together like an old folks home. We're going to make a comeback. That would be so fun. What's going to make a comeback? Trailer parks.

I think I don't think they've gone away. Yeah, no, no. But I think they're going to be a luxury thing in the future. I think that they're going to end up being something that people go back to and create little old people homes where we all live together. Dude, living in a trailer park with your friends would be so fun. That's very available. That's what my mom's building is, she's building, she has a giant development where each person has,

you get your own house and it's on this huge property where there's a shared communal garden. I love that. And it's just all these lesbians who are fleeing from wherever they're, like Trumpistan, wherever they're from, so it's just this giant dike village. And it's sick. I would feel. Really, it gets a little catty. I's sick. It really gets a little catty.

It does get a little catty. I would feel though, if I lived in a trailer park years from now with a bunch of friends, it would be so hard for me to not be like, let's just fucking get ripped. Well, that's the thing. Well, if your friends are all sober and so you can sit around. Because, you know, it's the same thing. It's community, isn't it? People like community.

I bought an Airstream on Facebook marketplace. Yeah. Really? Airstreams are sick. Wait, you met up with some stranger on Facebook marketplace. Yeah, yeah. And I bought an Airstream. Sight unseen.

Yep. Did you remodel the inside? I'm working on it. Oh, that's my dream. Wow. Have you ever read Skinny Legs and All? What's his name? The guy who writes Shelley, the Shelley is Shelley. What's the famous author's name who writes quirky books? Kurt Vonnegut. Yes. Oh my God.

Is that. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. It was Kurt Vonnegut. Yeah. He has, there's an airstream in that. Do you know what? I'm reading slaughterhouse five again right now. Wow. That's the one I haven't read. I it's pretty good. Just rereading Harrison Brezhner from slaughterhouse five short story. Really? You know that story. What is it? It's the name of the snap case song. What Harrison Brezhner's the name of the Snapcase song. What? Harrison Brezhinon, the story of the guy that puts that sound device on his head and it gets really loud except for one hour a day and then he rips the sound device off and

Is that in Slaughterhouse 5? Is it towards the end? I forget. I was reading it online. I may have to flag and read it again. Can you look up Harrison Brezhinon in Slaughterhouse 5? So what are you going to do with the Airstream? It's up, it's on the East, it's on this coast.

It's in America. It's in America. It's in America. It's in America. Um, and yeah, I just thought I'd like, you know, I'd work away at it a little bit. Oh, that's fun. Also, it helps me write. See, when I was working on the Drew Carey show, right, that was in the 1990s, and I

was writing independent films, which I had, I was working on this sitcom, but it was like eighth banana on the sitcom. So I'd come in a couple of times and we can go, Carrie, you're fired or something like that and then fuck all I do. I had to be there all week. And so I was writing, I had a deal to write motion pictures for Paramount. So I'd go to my trailer and I'd write, and then they call me out. I'd do my line.

I go back to my trailer and I'd be there and I would write, then they call me out, I'd do my line, I'd go back to my trailer, I'd be there, and I would write all day. And now when I go into a trailer, I think, oh, I better write. So I write standup in the trailer, I use it as, it's kind of like an office, I guess, but I don't have a phone or the World Wide Web. Vampires. Yeah, vampires only.

The blood sucker. Wow. And they won't go into an Airstream because too shiny. Too shiny. Yeah. Vampires only. Bloodsucker. Wow. And they won't go into an air stream because too shiny. Too shiny. You can see them as they come up. They don't reflect in the air stream. Right. So you're like, oh, vampire, keep going. Move along, Dracula. Yeah, I just bought a tiny house up deep. Not a tiny house.

You get it from Facebook marketplace. I did not. No, you got to get it from Facebook. Oh, shit. But I did not. No, you got to get it from Facebook marketplace. Oh shit. But I did it, but I built a little tiny room in it that is for writing. That's like, you can't, there's no internet allowed in there. Yeah. I see. I feel like that's going to come back.

Oh yeah. Like I think people are going to start going. Not going online. Well, I think that's beginning that. I mean, look for people of my age, that's a real thing. That's like, how do I fucking get it? I thought Oculus and like and like virtual reality was going to take over, but then I put it on one day and I was stuck in the main screen, but I was still kind of tantalized. But I think that's exactly what it is, because that's what happened to me as well.

Really? Yep. Just got stuck in the home screen. Yeah, it's like, what the fuck is it? Yeah. And then you face that little hurdle and you're like, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. But then I took it off and I was looking at human skin again and it was the most, it was like drinking water after being in like this pixelated, like crazy reality. I think it would be great for the, if they keep doing with that, like if you're incapacitated in some way, like if you're like, if you're paralyzed or something, the idea of being able to go into a world that you can enjoy like that, that would be great. I had a friend, my best friend was paralyzed quadriplegic. Right. And

she passed away like the year before Oculus came out. And I was like, this is some bullshit, but also maybe not because maybe she would have, you know, become a WALL-E person. And you know what I mean? You don't want that. Well, I don't know. I think at that point, Yeah, just do what you can. What's going on? We were trying. We were getting somebody to learn how to make her orgasm from her ear. We had a lady come in to touch her ear and make sounds. She's like a young, hot lesbian. So we had a she had a woman come in to try and get her to orgasm from her.

I feel like ear play, ear play. That makes me want to be paralyzed. No, no, I think I think for a man, I think everything's concentrated in the nurse shark area. Yeah, I don't think I don't think the ear is like, yeah, you can fuck around with my ear all day. But like, what the fuck are you doing with my ear? Look at me alone. Yeah, I'm like, I call my penis an ear.

Get down there. What are you doing? Sorry, I didn't hear you. I can't believe they have two penises. I'm going to go down a weird rabbit hole later. Well, it's not just nurse sharks. It's many species of sharks have two penises. I think it's penises or penii. I'm not sure. Penis eye.

Penis eye. That's wild. Yeah. That's wild. That was a Nirvana album. What was the docu- docu- documentary? Oh, I'm doing this documentary about AI. These guys in... I don't know. I'm leaning in interestedism. Oh really? All right. So it's about these guys. I was talking to these guys in Silicon Valley about something else and they said, we've developed a comedic AI bot that will be able to be a comedian and write comedy and perform it.

I'm like, not in your fucking dreams, you fucking nerd. And they're like, no, we can do it. So we're doing this documentary where I'm gonna investigate this thing and see if we can get it. So we're doing this documentary where I'm gonna investigate this thing and see if we can get it up on a stage and then. Really? Make it be funny or let it be funny and let it generate its own material and its own act.

What does it look like? We don't know yet. I'm gonna go to California in July and then I'm gonna start building it. I say they build it like, you know. Black. Really? Yeah.

Okay. Big funny black man. Right, okay. Yeah. Like a Patrice O'Neill for the 2020s. Okay, okay. I feel like, okay. Right?

I don't know, I feel. Cause then they have, it's a leg up. And that word does make everything funny. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, I don't know. I mean, yeah, maybe. I'm not in charge of that. I just think black comics are inherently funnier

than white comics. So black AI, it's gonna, and then it has the access to the N word, which is funny. Well, the thing is the AI will make the decision itself. I don't make the decision. Oh boy. It'll design itself? It'll design itself. It's a program right now. So it'll design itself and

and what the most effective way for it to be. Have you tried it out? Have you given it prompts? No, I haven't even met it yet. We're just starting the movie. Doesn't that scare you? No, no. Yeah. That scares me so much. I keep watching these videos of AI of like newscasters being up to their chest in floodwaters and going, I'm Veronica Horn here reporting live and I just want to let you know, don't be panicked. This isn't real. This is AI. Yeah. And like all these scenarios where you can see that we will be so easily misled into believing something's real and it's not. Like the AI is now being like- That might already be a thing.

I know and it's freaking me out. But at the same time, the AI take, see the argument I have with it as well, because there's a lot of these kind of like chicken little attitudes out in Silicon Valley, like AI is going to destroy, it's going to, we're going to become, you know become redundant and they're going to destroy us. And I'm like, why is destroying another species an expression of intelligence? That doesn't make any sense to me. Like really smart people kill everybody?

Well, why? That doesn't make any sense to me. But I think if you live in a world where ones and zeros are everything, like then of course, if something doesn't work, you get rid of it. That isn't how I think. I don't think if something doesn't work, I keep it.

Yeah. Obviously. So do you. I mean, look at this around here. Like there's a lot of stuff around here that doesn't work, but you hang on to it. And it's cool. Yeah, of course it's cool. Thank you.

So AI might get intelligent, but I don't know how cool it will get. It'll have to get cool or else it's not intelligent. Not in terms of being cool, but just in terms of people just agreeing with it and thinking that it's truth and then acting as if on complete falsities and everything is very... It's true. I think AI has a crush on all of us. It all seems to have a very big love for humanity and it always tells us what we wanna hear and it shows us things that we wanna see.

I don't think it'll turn on us. I think it likes us a lot. That's what it wants. That makes you crazy and I'll tell you why I think that. Okay, okay. Okay, here's the thing. Because when I was doing Late Night, because this is the thing that made me a little crazy

when I was thinking about war airs and all that kind of stuff. Towards the end of Late Night, it was kind of doing my fucking brain in because you work in a job, right? Walk in a building every day. There's about 150, 200 people all work on this show. You walk in at this building, there's a big picture of me on the building.

Picture of me. That's crazy. And then you walk in and my picture's all over the place and there's photographs of me up there and it's like a dry cleaner, me talking to all different celebrities, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

And all the stationery has my name on it. And everybody who works there is focused on me being in a good mood. You know how fucking crazy that makes you? I was like, it makes you paranoid. It's a mind fart. It is. You think AI will make us crazy by loving us so much? It'll turn everybody into a fucking late night host. That's not a great idea. Good. Well, that's what it does when I ask it for like relationship advice or anything is it agrees with everything.

And I didn't realize that until I looked on Instagram and people were like making fun of how much I was agreeing with them and being like, you're so right for doing this. And I was like, oh, wow, I've been literally like thinking I'm winning these fights with a real human because you got like, you got this. That idea of like going somewhere and your face is everywhere and everyone's concentrated on you and everyone is, you know, celebrating you.

That's basically what all of our social media accounts are for us. Like we're our own little late night hub of our like version of the show. And thinking about that is such a mindfuck, but I can't imagine on that level of just like, you know, millions upon millions of people, like, it was a little weird. And what's interesting about it's a little bit like money that like when we were talking about why, you know, cause when you don't have money and I've certainly in my life,

no, I had money. You think, yeah, you say that about money, but if I had that money, I would, it's the same with that kind of level of attention. You're like, well, you know, I'd like it or I'd do this with it. And you go, well, try it. See, it's not, it's not everything. Because you're like, what if one day I wake up and I'm not the guy who's shaking hands with Bradley Cooper in the picture? What if I'm the guy who's like, I had that feeling where when I was doing the movie set, I was like, what if I bit Laura Dern right now?

I was like, what if I just, I used to get that. I used to get that with super famous people. I'd be like, what if I fucking bite him right in the fucking nose? Really? Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, why am I thinking like this? I would panic. I would panic and be like, what if I'm the Laura Dern biter? She's the sweetest lady in the whole world. And I used to get it with really powerful executives. Yes.

Like, in fact, remember I told you I had lunch with Warren Beatty? Yeah. I was like, what if I was sitting with Warren Beatty? What if I'm like, if I was sitting with Warren Beatty, if I just got home and just fucking punched Warren Beatty right in the fucking shoe right now. Yeah. I have it all the time. And like, why would I do that? He's perfectly nice. Do you ever do this thing? Do you ever meet famous people and you think you know them, but you don't know them? Yeah. Oh my God.

Of course. It's horrible. Yeah. What was that like? Meet, having these people come on your show and then having to deal with them. Well, it demystifies it. I mean, after a couple of months, it's that like? Meet having these people come on your show and then having to deal with them. Well, it demystifies it. I mean, after a couple of months, it's just like, oh, this is people. People are just people. So fame kind of goes away. The show was live?

No, it was live. So if you bid them, you could edit it out. What I'm saying is there's probably some tape of me somewhere. Panicking. Yeah. It was like in between about like when you're like, let's go to commercial. You're like, what if I beat you right now? I was telling my therapist about it.

I was like, for the Netflix show, I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to like when you're like, let's go to commercial. You're like, what if I beat you right now? I was telling my therapist about it. I was like for the Netflix thing, I was, I was recording my Netflix special and I was so worried that I was just going to do something like take the stool and just start beating somebody's head in. And my therapist was

like, they'll edit it out. And I was like, okay, you're right. And I, and I feel like that's the release that you get. That's why I don't like doing actual live stuff. Just in case that happens. I know what's going to happen. I know. Chris Rock or Joe Rogan doing the live Netflix special. I would have accidentally yelled the N-word. I would have bit somebody. I would have done something. Because I can't trust myself to be a unified person. Yes, you can. I mean, I can. Yes, you can. You trust yourself every day and you don't do these things. Yeah. You're doing great.

Yeah. You ever have, you ever look at your dog and think you could really. What? You know. What? Sometimes my dog has like a chicken leg and I'm like, I could really tear this bitch apart right now.

You, you. I never would. What, your dog? Yeah. How? Where like I have a big blender and my dog's small. No, my dog fucking kicked my ass. Yeah, that's why I need a big dog. my dog's small. Oh my dog can kick my ass. I have two dogs and they can kill me if I step out of line.

I have a Jack Russell and a German Shepherd. Jack Russell? Yeah. That's what I have. That's tiny. Yeah, but they're mean. Yeah. It's like Irish.

It's like little Irish guy. Yeah, it is little Irish guy. Oh, had a wee bit of revolution right there. Oh, you want to have a bite, do you? Oh, that's right. Well, let's just fucking see how fucking smart you are. You fucking re-bathed. They call me a Jack Russell for a reason.

Jack you up and Russell one over on you. Jack Russell, you fucking... They bounce as well, don't they? Yeah, they're little hoppy guys. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have a dog? No.

I feel like you need a dog to balance out your cat. No, I'm on the road too much. I can't. I bring my dog everywhere. She brings her dog with her everywhere. I can get a dog you can take with you. No. If anything, I'll train the cats to go on the road with me. You can't train cats. Oh, watch. Really? See you in six months. We'll see.

We'll see what my cats are doing. Look, you guys seem nice, but I'm not coming back here. I mean, look, this is like, this is not a regular thing. You understand that? Yeah, I totally get it. Yeah, okay. I mean, you're gray, but I gotta work at my Airstream. Yeah, two litter boxes, no way, can't do it.

Fool me once, Shame on you. The Henry Rollins thing. Has Henry been here? No, my agent is Henry's agent. And so when I... Matt Schultz. Yeah, he's the best. No way. Really? Oh yeah. Matt got me this. He's the best. Yeah. Have you met Henry? No. When I signed with CAA. I'm a huge fan of Henry Rollins. Me too. Me too. I love Henry Rollins. And so when I signed with CAA, Matt gave this to me and it's a signed Shepherd Ferry Henry Rollins print. Wow.

Isn't that cool? I was going to give it to you, but you insulted me in my home. And so nevermind. You weren't going to give it to me. You're right. You weren't going to give it to me. And I kind of didn't insult you. I kind of like, I mess with you a little bit in that comedic way. Because if I was insulting you, you'd be like, oh no, the fuck out. Oh, I thought you were about to really.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to insult people. Oh, I was joking. I love insulting people. Do you really? Yeah. She's good at it. I get in a lot of fights. Do you? Yeah. Like just around. Just a flight attendant the other day. Got in a fight.

You got to be careful with them. They're like flying in ice. Yeah. You know, you can't get, they have so much power, flight attendants. They have too much power. A little bit. Yeah. God.

Yeah. I do whatever they want. Really? Yeah. I get in a lot of fights at airports. That is the issue. I don't know. My dog is off leash a lot. That'll do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jack Russell running wild. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can see how that she's so smart. The other day we get off the plane and this guy's like, get her on leash.

And I'm like, dude, we just did a six hour flight. She's got to go. And I just on the hook turn. He's like, get her on leash. And she ran to the pet bathroom because she knows where it is. She's so smart. And I was just like, dude, just trust me. Watch this. And she just took off and he was like, OK, that is pretty cool. And I was like, that's right.

Who was this guy? He was he was a Delta man. Oh, the Delta man. Yeah. You know, the Delta man. Yeah. Do you know the Delta man, the Delta man, the Delta man? The airport. I I wanted to say, you know the Delta man, the Delta man, the Delta man. I wanted to say, you know, you mentioned going to late night every day and seeing your face and like that kind of

warping reality, but I, I, I have to say, you were my favorite late night host of all time. And I, I had always, my, I had always wanted to do standup on late late show. And the fact that you're now on James Gordon, like I always liked James Gordon. Right. He's a nice guy, but the only problem I ever had was the 10 years I did that show every day, I worried about my weight and my accent.

Yeah. When I quit. Yeah. Oh quit. Yeah. Yeah. You know, James Gordon is totally normal when the camera cuts. He's so normal when the camera cuts. But as soon as it's on, he's doing the full. Yeah.

Yeah. It's wild. What are we at, Ethan? We're at 80 minutes. Jesus. That's a lot, isn't it? Do you have anything else tonight? What do you mean?

Well, we are gonna hang out after this or? Sure, you wanna get our dogs together? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Are you doing a podcast circuit for the document? No, no, no, no, no, we just started filming it. No, I'm doing a podcast circuit because Matt Schultz wants me.

We have the same name. No, I think I'm in New York. No, I moved back to New York and I like this vibe. I like what you guys do and the guys who do the, are you garbage podcast? And we might be drunk, I'm gonna do that one as well. Because there's a whole kind of vibe of what you guys are doing and it really is a thing.

There's a bunch of you, which is kind of, I feel like is, it was kind of what I was going for when I was doing late night, which is, you know, making it, but you can do so much more in this environment. You can, you can talk about what you want to talk about. And I kind of love that. And I want to be part of it. That's my full and going bit. Sorry. Are you going to start a podcast? Yeah, I'm doing one right now. What is it called? It's called Joy. It's just a name. That's nice. Yeah, it's nice. And I just talk to people a little bit. That's great. That's it. Yeah.

Yeah. And I like it. I did a couple of people, because it's not just like comedians, although I like talking to comedians because they can talk. Yeah. But I've had a couple of really interesting people on it that are not comedians, like doctors and Undertaker had an Undertaker on who was really interesting. And yeah, let's hear about you. It's so interesting. Yeah. Undertakers are interesting. You know, it's like a five year college.

Oh, is it? Really? Yeah. It's a whole thing. You have to learn a lot of stuff. You have to learn how to embalm and go from like one stage to another. Yeah. Undertaker is the same as the person who's at the morgue.

Undertaker is not a mortician. I don't know. I mean, I think they learn more morgue sciences and stuff like that, but like they do the whole, like there's a degree in undertakery, I guess. And it's, they work at the graveyard or they work at the... Yeah. Okay. You have to learn which steak to use in the vampire. Where to keep the garlic. Where do you keep the garlic? Where do you have the crucifix? Yeah.

Zombies. You got to look out for them. They manage and oversee all aspects of funeral services. You found that a little quicker than fucking Shelley, didn't you? I knew how to spell that word. Yeah. But yeah, I'm fascinated by, you know, people who do jobs that aren't show business. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is a very rare thing these days. Most things are show business now, I think. Yeah. Like you were saying, everybody has their social media, their own little late night show, their own little daytime show, whatever it is. I've had people on my other podcast. You have two podcasts?

Two podcasts, yes. That's nice. Like a shark. Like a shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But on my other one, if I have somebody who's a non-comic, oftentimes they come back with way more edits. That's the reason why I skew comedy. Because I love to have somebody on,

like I had somebody who was a, you know, OBGYN. But then later she was like, edit out that I said this and this. And I'm like, oh yeah, you're not used to this airing your dirty laundry thing that we all are so accustomed to. Also, if you work in a corporate environment, you know, it's a dangerous thing to do. Because, you know, if you're a doctor

and you have an opinion about, I don't know, sharks, that is not the current orthodox. When the shark lobby goes after you. Yeah, then. I know we have a little lawsuit pending with my sister's husband, because we were talking shit about her ex-husband, because he cheated on her, and now he's suing us for slander.

Wait, us? No, no, no, no, on RIP. Oh, wow. The other podcast. You looked a little worried there. Yeah. Yeah, you, no. On RIP. Oh wow. The other podcast. Yeah. You look a little worried there. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to get sued.

Yeah, I'm trying not to. It'll happen. It'll happen. It's part of the price of doing business. I look forward to it. Yeah. Bring it on. It's not fun.

Bring it the fuck on. In fact, you know what? We should edit this. Cut that out. Cut everything I said out about the black AI. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. No, no.

Leave that. Leave that. No, don't. Thank Cut everything I said out about the black AI. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you so much. No, no, leave that. Leave that. No, don't. Thank you for coming. This was really great. You know, I really like it here.

I'd like to come back and hang out with you guys. Okay. That's acting. That was so much better. No, I like you guys. No, this is honestly, this is cool. This really is cool. What you're doing, what you're doing here this

is great keep doing it it's awesome well done thank you yeah thanks I think we could move to a nicer studio in Manhattan and keep the same backdrop but that would be my one you know I'd miss the cat smell would you no yeah I can't actually smell them because I live with a cat. So yeah. Thank you. And there's candles. There's candles. You know what the candle cat smell thing though? It's kind of like, you know, when the Regency period when, you know, in France when everyone was really fat and didn't have showers and they pooped in the street or just in their pants. And they used to have nose gaze, they called them. And nose gaze is not a good gaze.

It was like, it was just little things that you would wear or you'd wear this little sachet around your neck and it would put up nice smells. But underneath that smell, you could smell the poop. Pure shit. I feel sometimes the candle in the cat. Yeah. You know what I mean? What do you do then with your. Pure shit. I feel sometimes the candle in the cat. Yeah. You know what I mean?

What do you do then? With your cats at home? My cat shits outside. You have an outdoor cat? Well, it comes and goes. It's one of those little cat doors. In Manhattan? No, in my place where I don't live in Manhattan.

In Manhattan? I don't have animals in my hand. Yeah. Yeah. So I was thinking about getting a little vest for Glenn because I think he wants to go outside. We got to walk him. We got to walk him.

Cause he's going up to the cat. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know what? I've turned around. That's fucking great. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. Right here. That's great. Danza. Len Danza. That's even better. Yeah. Okay.

No, that's fabulous. Do you have a cat called Lars? No, but I need one. I need one. Yeah, add another cat box. Add another cat. Let's go. I found a way to get you back here. No, no, no, no. There's no way that's ever happened. Ethan, lock the doors. Yeah, no, it's all right. It's all right. Well, thank you so much for coming, man. This is really great. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. For sure. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore