Bein' Ian With Jordan - Period Farts | Bein' Ian with Jordan #194

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

Mommy and Daddy are flying solo this week to chat about Coyote being prejudiced, living upstate vs in the city, and Jordan being forever changed after watching Sirat. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code SKA @ http://BlueChew.com/ -For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/SKA Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guess what? Lucky you. Enjoy all the benefits on Patreon. Now on Punchup. Punchup.L. Live slash B&Ean with Jordan. Get tickets and content in the same place on Punchup. Yeah. Punch up. Telling jokes and having smokes.

Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride. When you be in Ian. Coffee ice, no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian And life is shit

But you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live Alight Being Ian With Jordan Hey Good to see you Welcome back to another episode

At Bein Ian with Jordan I'm Ian This is And uh I saw a movie last night gave me a panic attack the whole way through. Won't move. Oh, new jeans.

I had that on this, and I didn't know if it was snod or cum, but it's all gone. Dude, everybody comments about how my, oh, and that's snot or like dirt there. Did you get dragged here? What how did this happen? I was sick for like two weeks.

It was just snots. Dude, I got, so I have holes in my crotches. From your thighs rubbing together? Fat cock. Oh, thighs. And I got them patched. And I got these jeans, which I like. And the stup...

Oh, the sweet greens is here. And the cat scratch the... All right. Your turn. My dog. I love you. I love you, too. Give me a hug.

Everyone needs to tell each other they love each other more. Don't you agree? Yeah. But they need to mean it. Do you say empty words? Should you say it only when you're overwhelmed by it? Or should you say it a little bit. No, I think you should tell your friends you love them.

We just need different versions of love. If you use the French, how the French have it, where they have like, platonic love, best friend love, medium friend love, stranger love. What's that? It's like different words. They have like different words. Like what?

Why don't speak fucking French? So how do you know about this? It's like a known thing. Different words. People say like French have 11 different words for love where Americans only have one. That's very like telling about American culture. So then let's make up new words for it. Like um.

Lobe. Lobe. Lobb. No, definitely not lob. I lob you. I lobe you. I lobe you. I lobe you.

I l'erve you. I lick you. I love you. Is that reserved for romantic love? No, I think saying... You need something of... Something has to be beyond... You know what it is?

It's what follows love. I love you is a deep romantic love. I love ya is a friendship love. I love y'all. I love yas. I love... Love. Love. Love. You know.

Love it. Love it. Loves it. But I think I'm making more of an effort to tell people I love... them when I think of them or hey you just popped into my mind wanting to say hi thinking of you love you by I think that's a good thing I know but you have to be worried you have to be careful with that because that a lot of times can lead people to ask if you're about to kill them yourself

yeah but I think the connection of that interaction the fear that they're gonna you're gonna kill themselves brings you closer together yeah I like that I like them worrying that's what you no no you get what is yours what is your coffee I Red Eye. The milk? Yeah, they put milk in it. I didn't ask for the milk. Have you tried it?

That's all right. So much better. No. Just admit it. I like it black. There's no way. You like just sucking down just a fucking... Black guy.

Yeah. It's disgusting. You don't like black coffee? I made my mom try a nice red eye this weekend and she did not... Oh, Ian! Oh, Ian! This is disgusting. Did you see the...

Did you see the... Oh, that's awful, Ian. Did you see the video of... showing her my tattoo. No. She got a earl. Oh, yeah.

That's Gail. Oh my God. Goodness. Madonna. Mea. Put your microphone. Oh, God. In heaven.

You know, I think I like Gail more than I like you. What? I love that woman so much. You know, yeah, you've said this multiple times. I just love her so much. She's a joy. I love how she always is chewing a little gum. Oh, dude, she pops a gum in this and hits me with a line.

It's perfect. She's got this way about her that's so funny. Are you finished now? No, I've got to do more shading and then color. What? Huh? Oh, and the detailing is just... Look at the hair and the...

I know. Putting your shade out. And I'm going to make one of the little angels have blonde hair, just like you. Popping the gum and walking away. Yeah, she's got good timing. I don't know. I just love her. Her timing is impeccable, and she knows how to turn it on.

I know, I know. We've all noticed. Everybody's seen it. The other night I took her out to dinner, and I surprised her and told the people it was her birthday. And when they were like, how old? I go, 80. And they go, really? No.

And my mom goes, he's lying. And I go, please forgive her. She is dementia. And they were like, what? Oh, it was great. And then. And then I'm just. on the way home.

She was trying to tell me a shortcut that is actually a longer cut. And mom, if you're watching, I'm right. Okay? I'll admit when I'm wrong. I'm not wrong often, but when I am, I admit it and I fix it. I just, don't you feel like she's also gotten a little bit more lucid? Yeah, it's early onset dementia, I think. I think it's the weight loss.

I think she lost weight. Oh, she lost a lot of weight. Maybe. You know what I mean? Well, you don't know the quiet moments of the day with the phone calls. just socially she's so much but dude I mean when I was screaming at her

about the big dick when we were just yelling at her oh yeah it was great down the cellar just being like I'm taking a huge dick gal and she's like oh Jordan stop it stop it and I'm like a big old hog

slamming it it's totaling my ass dude ripping me split me down the middle she's like oh oh oh Ian stop yeah let's send it to her ready hold on Don't get me in it. Oh,

Oh, Ian, stop it. Stop! Oh, you're awful. You're awful, Ian.

Oh, my God. Just, a Lord in heaven, Ian, you were a mistake. Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, she will fight that and say that I was made with love. And when I asked if we had money as a kid, she would say, we are rich in love. What is it?

Poor. Goodbye. What's going on with your phone? It's really good, right? Yeah. Yeah, I got a new one. How much was it? I got a re-grain.

I don't want to get a new phone because then it just makes you take more fucking videos. Oh, I have over 100,000 on my phone. That was like a full fucking 10-carat. Dude, I know. Doesn't it look like it's like, you could shoot a movie on it? You can shoot a podcast, James. You could shoot a podcast on it. What is that?

Your shit is retarded. Dude, that is a fold-out TV screen. That's crazy. Does it take good pictures? Show me how you speak into that. No, no, no. Oh, I thought you used it as a thing. Like, hello!

It is a phone. Can I feel it? No, you're in break it. What? Is it heavy? You can feel it. Here, throw it. It looks indestructible.

Can I see? Oh, you can't fold it that way. Why, what happens? Does it open up a portal? Heavy. Dude, this is heavy. What happens if you do it that way? Do it, just do it.

Force it, force it, force it, force it, force it. Oh, God. God, that thing is, it's so big and juicy. But then your tax bubbles are green. Hey, I think we're recording a regular right now, guys Oh yeah, you're right. We are recording. Okay, we just sat down to watch a movie.

A show. Jesus. I wish I drank. Wouldn't it be fun to just have whiskey right now and get fucked up? Just get more and more drunk. I think about how fun that would be. By the time we have Blair and Rosebud, we're just wasting. Think about how fun that would be.

Yeah, we're sitting there and like, Blair, that voice is fake, right? Yeah, turn it off, dude. Come on. Let us hear the real you. Quit sucking the helium and fucking talk normal. Rosebud, do you have to be dark all the time, you broken toy? Rosebud, we know you killed your sister. It's the whiskey.

It's not her. Dude, I'm coming up April 10th this Friday, 11 years sober. Crazy. April 10th is a great... Anniversary. Can I tell you? I chose it because my last week, I do not remember. I know, same.

I have no idea when I quit drinking. How are we ever supposed to know? How are we? The reason why we're drinking is to forget the days, and then they're like, when's your sober date? And I'm like, go fuck yourself. My roommate found me drinking whiskey behind a dumpster. Snorting one, nostril bleed in the other.

drinking drinking did not work had to face reality and then I was so bad around alcohol I shook every time I smelled it when I actually quit like I had like a glass in like Rome since then but it was I was in Nebraska

I was visiting I was visiting Jack's family and they were such a like happy family all playing like cards downstairs and I drank and I went upstairs and I decided that it was time for me to kill myself. When I was like, you needed someone like me to say, I love you. I think I needed somebody to be like, I hate you, which is not what I was getting. So much, you know, I felt so much pressure to be like, everything's fine. But didn't you do a ton of Coke during COVID sober?

That's crazy to me. When I hear people do Coke sober. It's a nightmare You can't come down But I was doing pills So I would do a Coke all night And then I'd pop a bar of Zan And I had to take a quarter Zanax last night

Why? Dude, I saw this movie, incredible movie But I wasn't expecting it to be it It was anybody who sees this movie Please be prepared What movie? It's called Surrott No one's gonna see it. Tell

Kiki on the movie I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race ya. I'm Ian Fydance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head.

I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got a rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, Toot, Toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? Kiki it.

Warning. Warning. Spoiler. Kiki. Okay. It's basically like it's an, it's an, it's an, it's a indie film. It's foreign. It's about the end of the world.

It's about World War III basically. And this guy, but you aren't told that. You're just told that this guy lost his daughter in rave culture and goes into these raves to find her. So that's what you're thinking. So you're like, okay, this is going to be like a question. Lost her. She died or like lost her trying to find her. She's, so he goes to raves.

She's missing. So, I'm like, okay, this is going to be fucking, this is going to be taken in Spanish. There's going to be sex trafficking. It's a Spanish movie? Well, they're speaking Spanish, but it's like Kelly into.

It takes place in Morocco. But then it's like a whole existential, like every fucking scene is something devastating happens. You're like, it's really tripping you out with the trancy music, which is good music, but it's like overwhelming your sense. It's very, it's like if somebody told you to go see

substance and they were like, they were like, yeah, it's a movie about like beauty image. It's like that. It is. Right, but I did not have any preparation. So what did you think the movie was going to be about? I thought it was going to be about, I thought it was going to be like taken, but foreign. Sounds great to me.

But this was like... Art. Yes. Really, really intense art based on existence, and then ending with like a full existential collapse into like nihilism. So that's great. No? Screw, it.

Fucked you up. Fucked me up so bad. Have you, did you journal about it? No, I took his annex. Oh. I was like keyed up and everything felt so spooky and I took Coyote out at night and it all felt really dystopian. Why? I'm very impacted by movies.

I faint in theaters often. I remember. I faint in, like, I fainted at that Hasidic one, Manasha. Nothing horror movie happened there. But it's just like if I get overwhelmed, I'm like a fucking goat. I cry at movies. I wish I could cry. My body just goes, eh.

I was so emotionally tied to Marty Supreme. Not getting that. People hated that, eh? You just this? That thing that just happened. Why did you say A? And every time you're shocked. I always say it.

That was so. It's a way of asking questions. Canadian. Yeah, I go, huh? People hated that, eh? I used to say, huh so much. And my fucking stepped out and go, huh, huh, huh? You know what I used to do?

I said like this while I was eating. And everybody was like, Jordan, fucking stop, right? And people would freak out at me. And then I go to the dentist and they were like, hey, there's no way she's getting oxygen because her tonsils are touching. And they were like, are you having trouble breathing when you're talking or eating? And I was like, yeah. And they were like, dude, we feel so bad. I was like, did you have to get your tonsils taken out?

And my adenoids. Really? And then I lost 30 pounds. Ask why. Paranoid and endoids. Yeah. Why'd you lose 30 pounds? Because the only thing you can eat is jello.

And my mom switched it to sugar-free jello. I wasn't getting any calories. Thanks, mom. Good work, Sue. A boy named Sue was named after your mom. It is, yeah. So this movie made you feel. Isn't that work good?

Oh, my God. No, I won't do spoilers. It was, it made me feel, it just was an onslaught. Just go see it. You're like, the whole time you're like, please, please give me a scene where something bad doesn't happen. It's like that.

That's kind of how I was. What was that, Stephen King, the long walk or something, where they got to walk, and if they stop walking, they get shot. It was just that over and over. Right, but that's Stephen King. You would expect that. Dude, that movie sucked. I saw it with Dan St. Germain in the middle of it.

He went and pulled a claw machine game and came back, and there was, he had like a big bouncy ball. I was like, what the fuck? And then this, the building friendship of these, two guys ended because one died and I started crying and then he handed me the ball and I felt better but did that happen that did happen after uncut jims this guy ran out this like really big fat guy from long island and was like basically I was all keyed up about the end where the Jewish guy ends up killing him oh and he was like he was like and you're so excited thinking everything's

gonna finally end up well for him even though he sucks all movie and this like Italian like long Island guy walked out and was like, I mean, that's what you get when you do that. And I was like, 100%. And we like came at each other. And I was like, I mean, if he hadn't done that, that wasn't even happened. And of course it's the Jewish mafia that's going to get him. Fuck the other. You know, and we were just like, yeah, I, my, I, yeah.

It was the best. Oh. Yeah. I can't think of a movie that made me feel that way recently. Like intense. This one was so intense. Saglow came over and we watched Good Time together. And that was a movie that I had to pause and get up and walk around and be like, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Right. The Safty Brothers is a good. This was, the music was amazing. The cinematography was incredible and the like, there is one scene that you're like basically like, bro, you can't not have a disclaimer that this happens. Did you? Too devastating. Really? Yeah.

Did you see it with your dude? Yeah. Did he hold you? Make you feel better? Was he nice Xanax for you? Well, one point I was like, bro, I'm about to faint and I just had to like put. Was there blood? No, I get.

If it's, okay, so basically it's like, the music the whole time is like, the like, don't, it's numb and it. You know what I mean? It's like total techno-craving. Oh, yeah, because they're in and out of raves. So then I'm just like, and the existential stuff and my body just shuts down, and they're driving on the edge of a cliff, which is super scary. So I just started fainting at one point and had to, like, recover. But it was good. It was a good. That's two panic attacks I've had in front of this man, both of which I felt quelled. Sometimes panic attacks made me way worse. Like, remember that one time I called you on a panic attack because I was with my ex. Yes. And he was scaring me so much that I was like, I have to call Ian. He was sitting next to me.

He was like, maybe you should go to the hospital. And I was like, and I called you and you were like, you're fine. And I was like, okay. How did he quell you? I mean, that's good. You feel comfortable enough to panic attack in front of him and have him quell you rather than someone else. But things are good. It's like the other day at the cellar, I was getting my period and I was gray and my lips were blue,

which always happens before I get my period. And I, like, laid down in the booth and, like, that new kid and Jamie Wolfe were, like, are you okay? You look really bad, which made me, like, panic more. You know what I mean? Like, if you don't know how to handle a panic attack, it's just people who haven't done enough hallucinogenics, which I think this guy has. So he knows to just be like, he knows just like a nice touch and not being, like, what's happening.

Yeah. But that's what you want to partner, someone that calms you and quells you and feels like if you take a pussy willow and rub it on their face, you feel like nice and good. Whereas with my ex, it was very much like he hadn't done hallucinogenicics. He doesn't know about panic attacks. He doesn't understand. So he'd be like, what's wrong? What's why are you being weird?

Yeah, maybe we should go to a hospital where they'll put IVs in you. That's insane. When someone is going through panic and going, we should go to a hospital. Imagine that process. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to a waiting room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I called you and I was like, Ian, I fucked up with my medication.

And I was like, now everything is very like, I was like, I feel like I'm in like, had movie set. Like, everything is very, like... I remember it. The thing that it is, like, I was like, the fucking car is a fake car. The makeup in my bag is fake.

And you're like, yep, you're just... It's just a little panic. It's fine. And it was humiliating, I think, for him because I was just like, I have to call... Like, I'm next to him in the car being like...

You know what I mean? Yeah, I cocked him from afar. Yeah, without being able to be like, he's scaring me. Well, you and Saglo, did that for me. Remember, I forget the circumstance or when it was, but man, that was gnarly. Well, I think also

when I was like winging out on the ride to the cellar. Oh, that was recently. It was in like November. Right, I was going back like years, but that was Oh, yeah. Yeah. You were having the classic, the classic, Am I

Bad? Yeah. Yeah, I think it was, I think I had stopped taking my meds or so. Like I wasn't. You hadn't slept. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are my two triggers. Mine too.

Yeah. Mine are like, the sleep thing is like, it's game over. Dude, my sleep has been so good lately. I've been going to bed earlier. I'm waking up at like 9 a.m. And I'm chipper. I'm playing music. That's great.

Dancing. I know. I've been fucking in a knocked loose. Oh, yeah. Bro. Yeah. It's so, the whole album. So good.

What is your alarm wake-up song? Really? That's the only thing I can wake up to. Mine's, Myelis, Best of both worlds. No, I can't wake-up to a song. Maybe I should try to wake-up to a song. It's a better way to do it. Definitely.

Yeah, but then you can never listen to the song again because it gets ruined. Like, I can never listen to Aerosmith back in the saddle. Vanessa Carlton, a thousand miles. Or no, White House is. Adele, hello. Wake up to a lot of it? Yeah, you do. But is that because you're trying not to ruin it?

Or you're okay with ruining those songs? No, I think because they make me really... Yeah, I love them. And I want to wake up and feel good, but then I just hit snooze, and then I keep having dreams that I'm, like, hanging out with Miley Cyrus. I had a dream that I was pregnant last night. Really? But you have your period, and I know because upstairs was up.

Period. I won't embarrass you. That's fine. It was a fart that came out of my ass, went up your pussy. Up through my pad, collected. blood, look at me James, look at me. Collected blood on the way up, then smelled like... Dispersed.

Hoop, heart, and blood. And pussy. And it didn't stay. It's like somehow like you, you like went like, and it just was like... It was like it had spores, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the best place, my kitchen, all over food. Really fucked up.

I know it's fucked up when it's fucking me up really bad. And it was really fucking me up. But it was nice to you because you went through all my food. and then you didn't shut any of the cabinets, so it aired it out. Nice. That was nice. My mom is such.

My mom installed self-clothing, self-closing cabinets. They put clothes on themselves? Self-clothing. Oh, a sweater. Because I leave them open so much. That's really smart. And in my house, I have no cabinets.

That's really smart. I have to go to my house. Yeah. Were you off this weekend? Oh. Yeah, but that's like the dream to have a house upstate to go. Really? Can I go there?

Can you give me keys there? No, I'll tell you where the key is. Go? It's what I do with West's cabin. Yeah, of course. But you have the right idea of getting a place upstate to go to, but you never go. I would love to have that and then spend time in between. I know.

That's what I'm trying to do, but I don't have much time. Upstate. How far over drive is it? Four. Wow. I would do two. Two is a lot. Two is $2 million for a home.

Mine was $200,000. Oh. Two hours is wherever. What? Where's my house? Buy outside of where I grew up outside of it. Yeah. Four hours.

That's a drive, though. I know, but that's, do you have $2 million? Would you ever, would you ever, would you ever, leave the city and live up there and then commute to the city. If it was two hours. You can't do it. So you're paying apartment and... Right, but my apartment costs $4.

Oh, yeah. What's the thing with this point? But I'm afraid if I go to the ones. And then I was looking at buying an apartment in New York, and I was like, see, that's, I think, maybe fully retarded. I mean, that's... You buy an apartment and then you just... The mortgage is rent forever.

And you have to pay for everything to deal with it. Yeah, and you have to overcharge to make any money or else you're just like even. Then you feel bad about overcharging. And it's going to be like flooded. Dude, you know what I got to do? Learn how to forage and plant and like live off the grid. But then I watch this documentary called Carts of Darkness.

Awesome. Check it out on YouTube. It's about these homeless guys in Vancouver that race shopping carts down mountains. like down roads, down mountains, and they collect bottles. And it's really sick. But then I was like, that'd be a fun life. But then they, like, live in the woods, and they just, like, get bottles and barely eat. And I'm like, man, I don't think I could do that.

I got to find a happy meat. The only reason to be able to be in. Why do you keep moving this over? Because it's touching my dog, and I want her to be comfortable. She's comfy. But she didn't mind. She just puked. Leave it.

God, she found this Chinese man today at the park and was just like, he was like sitting there like this. She just like was like, that guy is evil and just kept barking at him. And no matter how far we got from him, she would look back over the entire park and be like, what if he was evil? Well, that's the thing I was thinking about is I was like,

do you think he was like an evil guy? If Coyote never really barks at people like that and then she chooses one, I'm like, what if there's just a fucking kid's head in a bag in that backpack he is? You know what I mean? Yeah, but she did that when she saw me today. That's because you came out of nowhere.

And she was like, root. And then she was like, oh, oh, it's... I opened a door. Right, but when somebody comes out, she's like, hey, hey, hey, hey. But this guy, she was like, we were a football field away. Really? And she was like, she wouldn't fetch the ball. She was just, like, was fixated.

So, well, let's go get that guy. I punched a car yesterday. Why? Cut you off? You know, when I'm, when you're, there's a stop sign and they pull up in front of you and it's just obvious that it's your, you're walking. And they go, actually, I can make it by just kind of like almost running you over. that shit

and I just fucking bam and what do you do he slowed down and I stood in the road like this and he didn't come out really you're really lucky

because you could get shot run over beat up death has been nipping at my ankles for a while yeah and I don't

and Fini we're talking about that really what did you say that death was nipping at your ankles oh yeah that act car

in a couple years ago. The bicycle. Oh yeah, that bicycle accident. The bus. Didn't something else just happen that we just talked about upstairs with me? With death. You hurt your finger on your door? I caught my finger on my door.

I could have bled out. No, oh, Glenn almost died. Don't get what I have. But now that I have the Reaper on my back, I feel like he's protecting me. Death. Yeah, weird that you got the Reaper. I... Want to see it?

I'll tell you what I think happens. What? You flipped your car because you're fucking retarded. Right? Okay. And then the bus thing, it lost a tire and caught on fire because it hadn't been serviced. Yeah, but losing the tire saved us. I understand, but those two things happened.

What about Glenn? What about Glenn? When he had the urinary thing and he almost. died. That's what happened to the animals. Oh my God. Can you even believe this? Look at this. Yeah, when she goes, it's going to be bad. Oh, I'm not going to be able

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Yeah. Why? Because they had to drink it with whiskey. Because they put a bag on my head. Hey. Oh, blue, blue, just don't fucking tell us about it. For Christ's sake. And also, Blue Choo, can you make it so it doesn't make your tongue blues?

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day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E. dot com slash S-K-A for free shipping and 360-day. returns quince.com slash Skaa I am a poopie butt. Bye. Here's the deal. What I'm worried about, I'll say this out loud,

I'm worried that people don't spend as much time as their pets as we do. So when their pets go, they have less of, like they can handle it more. Like, I spend most of my day staring at my dog. A lot of people have families too. Yeah. But I spend days being like, this part is good, this part is good, this part is good. You know what I mean? I spend a lot of my time holding their face and going,

thank you for being my friend. Yeah. Thank you for spending time with me. Thank you for being in my family. Even though I've trapped them. I mean, what are we? I mean, you know what we're going to do? We're going to love them.

Fucking pisses me off. I think there's going to be some pill or something? Huh? Maybe some. Is there a way to... Yeah, cyanide pill. You both take it and you go out together. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When people go cats, eat your body if you die. it's like, God bless. I want to be one with my guys. The last gift I give them is a meal. That's why I think humans should eat each other. Wouldn't that be a good way to process everything? It's like, I'm giving myself to you. I couldn't agree more.

I couldn't agree more. I would love if a menu was like, here's what you can eat today. You can have a pedophile? No, no, no, no. You can eat an aborted baby. No, no, no. I'm not talking strangers.

I'm talking like friends. Like when doesn't that make more sense than being like would you like to eat this baby sheep that never got a life? I'm like just feed me a pedophile Feed me a bad guy I'll eat his meat But what if it's like some voodoo thing where you absorb But I think that's what keeps us in the cycle of oppression What?

By thinking that if we eat something pure Like that's I think what that's what the Epstein people do Did you know that the Epstein people are getting women pregnant than eating the fetuses to get the stem cells allegedly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now, let me ask you something. Mm-hmm.

Why do I have to pay taxes? If I had an abortion, yes. Maybe I could have this. Can I eat to be? Well, I mean, if it's at home, you can't have an abortion, be like, by the way, can I get a doggie bag?

You know? You can't ask for, you can't ask to take it home like it's a bone or an oyster shell. What do you think she's thinking? if she can eat the fetus. What are you thinking? Yeah, but also, I always try to find... Maybe I have to have a kid.

The good... What? Well, maybe I have to have a kid before she dies. That's what everyone does. When you see something ending, it's in our DNA to kind of look to the next thing. Like, that's why so many relationships start because you have, like, a friend in your relationship.

And then what do you know? Like, because you're constantly searching so that you don't have to feel full hurt. That's why people get dogs when the other dog is about to die. You're right. I'm going to experience the pain fully. Do it.

Do it. Do it. That's what I tried to do in the movie last night. I was like, you're having a panic attack because this film is making a panic, experience this feeling. And how did that feel? Good.

Yeah? It helped. Do it again. Die. I try and do that. I try and do that with things. But it is. Yeah.

Where you're just like... Dude, you know what's fucked up? When that happens and I start to feel pain or if I start to cry or I'm feeling a feeling of uncomfortability, I'll do this. I'll be like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'll go, oh, my God.

You know what I do? You know what I do? I do this. You know what I do? I do this. Really? Oh, I never do that. Interesting.

Oh, I went right for the popcorn last night anytime I was panicking. I just started shoveling it. And I was like, oh, I've done this since I was... a child. How do you eat your popcorn? You know how I do it? I'll tell you. Tell me. I go like this. Here's the bag. Take a handful. Bring it over here

into a little claw. One at a time. See, I do it lizard style. I hold up the bag. I go... No. It's illegal. That's because you're alone. I am. Or I use chopsticks. I love the chopsticks. I do. I really like that.

Yeah. Thank you. Don't touch my death finger. I yeah I use chopsticks for almost everything when I eat but I will say

I do want my friends to eat me when I die we're not gonna do that but wouldn't that be nice like my last gift to you giving you so disgusting I'm not eating that much

nicotine infested I'm not as you to eat my organs I'm as you to like eat my hands I would rather eat I would eat eat my calf I would I didn't even eat any part of you.

What? No. Even a cheek. Maybe the jowl, yeah. The jowl. Have you ever had a pig cheek? Dude, I've, I ate pork belly thinking it was going to be like it. I'm not a fan anymore.

I think pork is. Bacon is not pork. Do you remember when everybody's personality was bacon and like quoting an anchorman? And they're the same fucking losers that in 2019. got Christmas sweaters. It were like, Merry Christmas, Jeffrey Hempsey, didn't kill himself. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Wait, ready? God, I hated all those people. I'm going to add another layer to that breed. You know who didn't kill himself, Kirk Cobain. Are you ready for this? Soracha. The saracha guy.

Oh, yeah. That was around the time when everyone got those things that were like, keep on and eat onions. They're like, keep calm and kiss your, I'm Irish. Like a sarahe tattoo or a knitted sarahe Oracha sweater. That's a hat. Is I write on my thing about keep coming?

No, I don't know what that is. I think that was a separate grievance. Are you talking about phrases on shirts? No. I had one making fun of my OCD when I was in, when I was 12, that said I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do. That perfectly sums up you. You do seem like you'd have a shirt that's like,

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. Yeah. I used to have no fear shirt. I used to have a shirt that said does not play well with others. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had those, like, necklaces that were stretchy black. You remember? No, I went to the hardware store and, like, got chain necklaces and shit.

You know exactly the necklace I'm talking about. The chokers are black chokers. Yeah. Oh, my God, those were so hot. Every girl that has ever worn them is hot. I don't care. Weight, size, color. You wear a choker like that automatically hot.

The chokers really do it. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. You could look like fucking, you know. Somebody just buzz? Somebody just buzz. What if it's someone with a choker? It sounded like it was just one of those buzzes that people do.

Dude, Uncle Laser sucks. He goes, I'll be there at 445. We said 5.30. Say find a place to hang out until 5.30. You don't. Say we won't be ready till 5.30. There's a coffee. shop around the corner till 530 there's a coffee shop around the corner

bitch bitch I'm sorry and they're early has everyone early I was late I hate getting places early I need to get a place I've been getting that you're can I tell you I've been getting to places on time within a five-minute window I've never been anywhere on time in my life unless it was an accident I it really bothers me but it's helped me grow because now I know what it's like so I don't do that is it two girls one cup bring them on well yeah and then we'll roll to the next episode that doesn't make sense it's not good is everything cool upstairs okay they can go in my fridge I do a room that's getting cleaned out I've slowly but surely been

cleaning it out dude that's I'm like so proud of no you love that What are you talking about? Sorry. I'm just the same way. It just sucks. It's like whenever we're in relationships, we just clean up our act. Oh, yeah.

It's like... It's such a nightmare. It's like I'm reporting to the teacher. I did a good thing today. I know. I eat healthy today. You should have seen me yesterday. I'm in the bath.

He shows up and I'm like, I picked up my clothes. I went and I got groceries. I went to the gym today. And he was just sitting going like this. Good. And I was like, and I was like, and guess what? And he was like, and now I'm taking your breath.

And he was like, I see. that. I'm like, because I'm going to be clean. Dude, today, I, like, we face it on when I was in bed and I was like, I'm going to wake up and make breakfast. I'm getting coffee. I'm doing taxings. And then I'm going to the gym.

She was like, oh, I'm proud of you. And then the day went on and I got distracted. And I kept hanging up on her because she was like, didn't you say you were doing something? And I was like, no, I had to do something else. And she kept calling and go, Jim. Now you said to gym. And I was like, no, I'm distracted. She goes, fine, I'm going to say, you're fat.

You got to go to the gym. And I was like, she was like, I don't mean it. I'm just motivating you. Nice. And then I went to the gym. Yeah? What did you do? I do what I always do, which is I have to do.

She was joking about the fat thing. She's not. Am I fat? No, not at all. Not at all. Truly. I would say, you're not. Look.

Flat. The most accurate noise. I do butt every time I go to the gym Are you getting a big butt? The only way I have a tiny butt Is by doing butt every time I go to the gym? It's concave if I don't go to the gym So I just have a little tiny butt

It's getting better Whoa It's better than what it was Whoa Good for you Thanks And then I just do Trying to do a pull-up

I just do exercises to get to the point where I can get that. Yeah. My shoulders fuck so I can only do machines. For and, Burp? No, I was going to show that I did like press today, but my legs really never know that.

Yeah, yeah. Both. It's okay. Yeah, but man, oh man, I, it was fun. We were FaceTiming. And she was like, come on. Come on, Morton.

She was like my little leg trainer. Yeah, yeah. But I have my headphones in. I can't talk to people at the gym. I have tried doing that. I do get to, I go for it. Go hard. Oh, it makes me own to work harder.

I blast hardcore. And I go so hard. Yeah. Stomp. Really? That's what I do with my house. When I'm in my house and I do my resistance bands, I got tunes blast in,

I'm moshing. But then when I'm at the gym for some reason, and I'm in like talking mode. I don't know what that's about. I get that. Yeah? Yeah, but it's not. I think because I pay so much for my gym when I'm in there,

I'm like, I only have 40 minutes. I'm going to absolutely kill myself. I'm at a planet fitness. Yeah. I don't want to hear Spanish. So I don't want to talk on the phone. Yeah. We should, you know what we should do?

We should have a bet. Who can learn the most Spanish in six months? Okay. $1,000 bet. Okay. Yeah? Wait, but how do we measure it? Get somebody who speaks Spanish on the podcast.

And do the whole podcast in Spanish. Wait, how much time do we have? By. What is it right now? It's April. What even month is it? It's April. May, June, July.

Just too retard. By October. We have a Halloween episode and we'll be Desi and Lucy. speak in Spanish. Lucy and Ricky? Lucy and Ricky. Who's Desi and Ricky? Who's Desi?

Who's Desi? Desi Arnaz's Ricky. Oh, gotcha. Yes. Were they married in real life? Yeah, but it was complicated. I love that. It was great.

World win relationship. Read about it. It's really cool. I know all about it. I'm obsessed with her. Really? What happened? He's a little abusive.

Oh, no. Not to Lucy. No. She didn't mind. She liked it. Lucy, you fell down the stairs again. She liked it? It's an interesting relationship.

Yeah. She's great. She loved him to the bitter end, too. Yeah. Do you want a synopsis? What do you think? Or no. Will be Gomez and Mortisha Adams.

They don't speak Spanish. He does. Fine. I'll be Ricky and you be Gomez. Gomez. Yeah. Dude. $1,000.

Who speaks more Spanish by Halloween? And we're going to, we have to set the parameters of how we judge. Yeah. Do you know any Spanish right now? A little. Oh, more thanous? Moreland. I'm Ian.

And you? Um, me am Ortan. Morton. Orta. Ooh. My name is Ian. And my triste, me am I as no Morton. Borey, knows more than you.

That was not nothing. That was something. What was it? Was it donkey knows more than you. Fuck, you're going to win. I am not smarter than a donkey. Shit! Let's go.

I don't know very much. I know this. Donde is my mochila? Where is my backpack? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know a machula. I need food.

I need to eat. I need to eat. Immediately. I need to eat a me. Immediately. And I need. Tocar. I need to play the guitar.

When is the bibliotheca me a yuida? Me saco de la basura. When is the library and I need to go to the bathroom?

You need to help me take out the trash. Oh. The house. The table. The table. Fuck. The mesa is in the house. My abuela and abuela is my grandmother and grandmother dead.

Yeah. My sister is a putta. You said sister. My her mama is a putte. You just said sister with this Spanish accent. My sister. I couldn't even cover it up. I'm like, Jamie's a cunt.

Beach. I My father is My father is My father is mueta Tum I also See

You want You want That's you Taco Bell I want I want I want I want

I want I want When is two years? 34. 34? Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Yes. I'm 4.1. 2. 2. 2. My my food

favorite favorite is gulo. My favorite food is ass. And manzanas and apples. Mi pepperito.

Comer. Comita. Comita. That's to eat. No. Comita is food. What is to eat? Comer is the word food. No. Comer is to eat.

Comer is to eat. And then you have to conjugate it. So, but it's not Como. Como is what? Commes? No. Maybe dumb and dumb. No.

Questo for your puttta. Yeah, yeah. Quanto questo por tu, yeah. Tu putte is madre. I said how much for your post. Get them. Hey.

Hello, ladies. Venga. Vanga. How's it going. Hi. We're trying to see who knows more Spanish. Yes, see. See, see.

I heard you guys I'm gonnae This is coyote Vamanos Hi See Hi Hello

Did you meet coyote At You met coyote What was she at Laura's I know I just found a picture Of you Mino

And a baby candy It's so cute Remember? Ola We're not doing that Oh I want to do Do you want to do the bed?

Yeah, let's do it. We're going to do a bet who can learn more Spanish in six months by Halloween. I would bet that neither of you even try. I have duelingo. We used to be sponsored by Babel. I'll hit up Fannie about doing Babel again, and that'll be a good thing. We're going to forget about this by next week. No, yeah, this is not even going to happen.

Thank you. Sorry. I know, and then we're just going to end up doing exactly what we just did for $4,000. He's. C. Cuando. I love bets, dude. Me too.

This gambling app hit me up and was like, can we sponsor your podcast? And I was like, I'm against gambling. But then every day with you, I'm like, $4. Yeah. I think that sounds principled. Yeah.

You're okay with managing it in your own life, but you're not trying to destroy other lives. Yeah. You do look like old celebrities that just got done, eating lunch in Greenwich Village. We actually forgot our kimonos. I always wear sunglasses, but she was jumping on. I get it.

I want to wear sunglasses. I'll take my sunglasses. All right, well, let's end the episode and we'll start a new one. Punchup. Live slash Jordan Jensen. Ianfinance.com for my dates. Ian doing our guy doing on jobs. Take me with you on Netflix.

Is this thing on? And I know all of this. Thanks. Please go buy tickets. All right, but yeah, buy tickets. Do you know that? I need to bring that up because I just watched it. It was so good.

Was it?