Bein' Ian With Jordan - Pig Court W/ Steph Tolev | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep145

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, come see us on the road. Ianfydance.com for all my dates and tickets. I am in Rochester, New York, May 8th through 10th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, May 16th and 17th. And then I'm going to Charles's, South Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Wilmington, North Carolina, Tacoma, Spokane, Oklahoma City, Addison, Texas, Chicago, all over baby. Ianfydance.com for tickets. Don't mean to yell. So I will set back and listen while this one speaks. Okay. Going to be in San Antonio, Texas, going to be in Colorado. It's going to be in going to be in cause you know, uh, going to be in, cause you know, uh, going to be DC, going to be at comedy works, going to be in Portland, Oregon, going to be in Michigan for something. Royal, Royal Oak, Michigan,

Starting point is 00:00:52 Mark Ridley's comedy castle. It's great. Great. Um, and, uh, and, uh, wise guys, Addison, I just had it. Austin, Texas mothership comedy mothership. Let's sell that. Hell yeah. End of May Ottawa, you invite answer.com punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen. Bye bye. Telling jokes and having smokes riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt. So why ride

Starting point is 00:01:34 When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit, but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. I'm about to second- You've never had a stylist. You've always been yourself.

Starting point is 00:01:58 I'm not yelling. I'm about to. You've, you've never had a stylist. You've never had, you've only been yourself. Because I thought it would only been yourself a little bit No, I think yourself. No, what amps you up? No, but you also should amp out I think a little bit on the special Yeah, I think you should take it to the next level a business

Starting point is 00:02:14 What the fuck you just showed is is retarded and you're not wearing that I'm gonna fucking burn it in a fire Okay, that's ugly. But I do wear long shirts. Sure, but not for the special this is perfect. This is great This is great. This is you you This is great. This is you. You are. You're not a stylist person. I still think the style is a good idea, but I think whatever that that said was not a stylist. You she was just going with what I said. I said long, short, baggy jeans.

Starting point is 00:02:37 No, fine. Baggy jeans. Right now, this is so you cool chains, hair done, the makeup you want, not fucking doing full drag makeup. It's psychotic. But this is like you need the special pop a little bit. OK, I'm not saying do come out a fucking mini skirt and fucking your clit hanging out. But Jesus, I mean, maybe I should have done that. Your clip was almost out. My clip was almost out. I thought my clip.

Starting point is 00:03:01 Closet right now. Make an eye contact. I know I'm like, I'm, my legs are so tight right now. I'm so scared my lady's gonna flop out at any minute. I'm always terrified. Lucky couch. Massive. Yeah, you're gonna have to wash and dry this after. Do they do upholstery cleaning out here in New York?

Starting point is 00:03:17 Because they're gonna have to. I've been sweating all day. Well, what shirt? I like this. A shirt like this. Isn't it too baggy? No. What are you fucking talking about? Look at what you just fucking showed us. Why are you doing this? We already started. This is bizarre that she's saying, is it too baggy? And she showed us that bench shirt.

Starting point is 00:03:35 You're being bizarre? Huh. Who'da thunk it? Wow. Her not making sense? I just think, cause you, you have good style. Thank you. I was hoping you'd say it back to me, but you didn't. I just think because you you you have good style. Thank you. I was hoping you'd say it back to me. But you did it. I was like, and it's already been established. You have good style. No, no, no. But here's the thing. I see what you mean. I like the brown shirt. I what color is the jumpsuit that they're talking about? White. Don't wear jumpsuits. So many women comics. What brand is it now? I don't know. Big Bud. Oh, you

Starting point is 00:04:01 big Bud. Besides small, you need extra small. It's too baggy. It's the extra small and it's corduroy with gold. Put it on and look yourself in the mirror and say you feel in it, because I also look, I'm not drums of Queen. Everyone does them. Blanchard does it. Fucking Chappelle.

Starting point is 00:04:19 Who? Catherine Blanchard does them all the time. I thought you said Blanchard. I don't know. I didn't say Blanchard. This is how you're in comic. I don't know who that is. Blanchard. Chelsea fucking't know. I didn't say Blanchard. This is how you're in comic. I don't know who that is. Blanchard.

Starting point is 00:04:27 Chelsea fucking What's Your Nuts does it all the time. Not Freddie. The other Chelsea. Handler. Handler. Yeah. Chelsea the comedian. They all do the jumpsuits.

Starting point is 00:04:36 You know what? Women comics aren't doing bowling shirts. I got a bunch upstairs. I'll grab them for you. I do like bowling shirts. What about a fucking suit? I think I just did a little something cool as hell. Dude, you in a bowling shirt would be sick.

Starting point is 00:04:46 You're the one from my special to be like an easter egg. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's so self-centered. Where my shirt. It was a joke. The second they turn it on. I can't also make a joke. Yeah. Yeah, I would love a suit. A soup suit. You should do a suit like David Byrne from Talking Heads, oversized. Oh my God, with an oversized, but like still nice with a nice thin tie. Like Paul Poundstone. Are you fucking crazy? Look in the suits.

Starting point is 00:05:12 Where? No, I'm going to give you the girl who made mine. Is she LA? She's LA, that's the problem. No, you need somebody out here because you need to be fitted. I think a suit with your fucking high tops with a suit, you know, fucking cool. That would look. That's so punk.

Starting point is 00:05:24 Dude, do a suit. do a suit, man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no suits. But how do we find the suit? Paula Poundstone, get a fucking made brand new, get a fucking tailored to body. Where does the fucking men's suit place? Neiman and Marcus, go to Neiman and Marcus. They're guys that I know.

Starting point is 00:05:40 They're two personal friends of ours. They're personal friends of ours. She knows Neiman introduced me to Marcus. Yes. And they have their good guys here. They got a lot of ours. They're personal friends of ours. She knows Neiman introduced me to Marcus. Yes. And they have, they're good guys. They got a lot of money. They lost to us. Yeah. You can't be this.

Starting point is 00:05:51 You like those guys? I was like, this can't actually be a real conversation. Who's Neiman? I had fake teeth in. You fake teeth in? What? What do you mean? You fake teeth in? What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:06:06 They I got my teeth taken out yesterday and I'm getting new ones and put it out. Get the fuck out of here. I knew there was something freaking me out. Yeah, it sucks. My I'm in so much pain right now. Where are they? The two front ones are fake. Get the fuck out of there. You gotta you can't. They're temporaries. They're they're placement holders for when I get my real teeth. You know what? I've been feeling really dysregulated

Starting point is 00:06:29 since I walked in here. It's the teeth. It's the teeth. I was. Because it was Bizarro World. It's like when you have a dream about somebody and they're slightly off. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:38 I had a dream about you the other night. No, I didn't do that. I don't do stuff like that. We were in an attic. And we were in an attic. But you stuff like that. We were in an addict and we were in an addict. But you're addicts. We were in an addict. We were inside of an up. We were in a wooden area of a top of a house and we were laying in cobwebs

Starting point is 00:06:54 using flashlights to pick out mice off the ceiling. And then you're like, sorry, I have to go meet up with a friend. And then you came out of the bathroom and you go, she's wearing lotion. It's strawberry hand job. And I woke up. Oh God. Bro, I had a dream that I was talking to my dead best friend and she was right in front of me so clear. If you've ever had a dream about somebody dead,

Starting point is 00:07:14 they're so clear. And then, sorry, sorry, sorry. I know, I know, I know, not with you. But with my friend, so clear. And then I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. And it was Helene, she wasn't in the wheelchair. And I was like, look at you. You're walking. And she was like, hell yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:07:26 And we were in Ithaca and it was great. Two black guys walk up to us and go, he ain't talking to nobody. And I was like, excuse me. He goes, ain't nobody standing in front of you freak. And I was like, what? And then I turned nothing there and they're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey I talked about that with your therapist. That's fucked up. What? That's scary. Too hilarious. Strong black guy walked by. I go, ain't nobody there. Speaking of hilarious, strong black guys. I saw sinners and I now want my nickname to be Delta Slim. I didn't see. I didn't see. I didn't see. Is it good?

Starting point is 00:07:57 That's all right. Everybody fucking loves it. And all my black friends like it because they think it's a documentary. What's it about? I don't know anything about this. It's about, it's about these like, uh, blues, like musicians. I paid the woman a thousand dollars to find those outfits. Are you serious? I'm going to fucking snap. You're an idiot. Don't you just have friends? That's what friends do.

Starting point is 00:08:21 Sydney is better at styling. Just tell me what to do. I'm gonna get you some people. That's insane. No, this is crazy. What I paid? You paid a thousand dollars for some loose, for someone to go, hey, why don't you wear a, why don't you wear a bag? Don't look at me with your face different.

Starting point is 00:08:36 What? It's not right. It took you too long. I just, I don't know him that well. I just thought maybe his teeth got a little bigger. I don't know why. I don't know his teeth that well. Well, the mustache was covering them. It is bigger. The mustache is bigger.

Starting point is 00:08:46 We, I had a dream today so bad that I woke up and I almost punched my boyfriend in the face. He was, we went to this porn house and I'm like, I was to do some content with him. I'm like, oh, we have to go now. They're not ready. And he's like, I'm good. I'm like, no, we're leaving now. And he was wearing like a pink bodysuit and his big dick and his nuts were hanging out of his bodysuit. He's a big cock. Yeah. So nice cock. And I was like, it was time to leave and they were like, oh, they're doing a robots class. And he's like, I'm staying. And I'm like, if you stay, we're breaking up. He goes, I have that dream every night.

Starting point is 00:09:13 I hate this dream. I have that dream every night. I woke up and I was so mad at him. Finally dudes win. They would be finally dudes win. I wake up so mad. Dudes are always winning. And then you get mad at us.

Starting point is 00:09:21 We have to hire a fucking dream lawyer to defend ourselves in dream court. I was trying to write a joke about that where my friends will have these like insane lives and I'm like, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. We wake up so mad. Dude, they're always winning. Yeah, and then you get mad at us, and we have to hire a fucking dream lawyer to defend ourselves in dream court. I was trying to write a joke about that where my friends will have these like insanely vivid dreams where it's like in the basement of their parents' house and there's a worm that reminds them of their grandfather that molested them or something.

Starting point is 00:09:36 Mine are like literally like my friend calls me and goes, you're uglier than you used to be and hangs up. You know what I mean? Yeah, and then on the other side of the coin. They're real and they're just like stupefied. And then the other side of the coin, your fucking friends disappear, black guys show up and they're like, Hey, nah, mama, hama. Ain't nobody. Ain't nobody. Look at us, we look cool, we're wearing white shirts. I'm wearing your merch because I was stinking it up.

Starting point is 00:09:58 That's a great shirt. My shirt now. Yes, you can get that at coldcutsmerch.com slash BNE in majority. Get the shirt. Great shirt smells. OK, she's around. Oh, she's tired because she's tired. And why is she to be my fucking if you sit in front of me, I'll fix it. You really you need one of those back. My mother is walking on his back massages.

Starting point is 00:10:22 He looks crazy. Oh, it was like a little not saying like a oh, yeah He looks oh, this is really getting serious for the cord the cord First time doing a pod look at this nice. Oh Thank you. Well, you do the Batman. You know Batman can't turn his head. That's what he was doing. Oh, yeah you're right he would be like How much caffeine is on my rebel You're worried about that.

Starting point is 00:10:46 That's crazy. You always drink coffee, don't you? What the hell is this? Yeah, but for some reason, I saw 90 milligrams of cocaine and I was caffeine and I was like, whoa, that's crazy. It's because you can't read.

Starting point is 00:10:59 Maybe too much cocaine. What happened over the weekend? Did you have sex? No, I did not. Nice. Did you do anything bad? No, I did not. Nice. You do anything bad? No, I didn't do anything bad. I was in Huntsville, Alabama. I shot guns with my openers. OK. And that's fun.

Starting point is 00:11:14 Huntsville, Alabama. So you weren't screaming in your audience in Pittsburgh. I sold out. I sold 41 of my 50 shirts. That's good. What did you do with the rest of the use them? You count blankets. You count your shirts when you before you sell them. I should probably do that. Yeah. Do you sell shirts?

Starting point is 00:11:30 I keep inventory. I don't know. Yeah. And yeah, I didn't do fuck all. Get lug it around. We need to bring a little hammer. It's pack a bag. See, I get them shipped to the venue. Shout out Edgman printing.

Starting point is 00:11:43 Oh, you do. Yeah, I get it shipped to the venue and then whatever I don't sell, I take with me to the next gig. But merch sales have been through the roof. Thank you. Okay. And so I haven't been having to lug them around. Edgman Printing. I'm about to send a couple emails. You want them? I can't do the schlep.

Starting point is 00:12:03 I hate the schlep. I'm not packing a bag. I don't want to do this. Because you guys are women and you have to be tougher and you have to fucking get them delivered to the town you're going to and then fucking bring them to the venue. Yeah. It's not that big of a deal. Do you, do you sell yours or do you have your open or sell them? I sell them. You do. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:21 I sell posters, sign them, sell them 20 bucks a pop. I'm mortified to sell them. I can't stand can't I can't make someone do something for me. I can't I can't let people do for seller on the planet Who Alex is so bad pass for us Berger? Oh my open your lips and sell me my fucking shirt paying for you. God damn. No Do you pay the flights? I just started to. Yep. I wasn't. And then Chris Estrada mentioned that he did. And I was like, I have to now.

Starting point is 00:12:51 That's why I don't bring openers. I just use also I like giving local guys shine. I think that's good. I know I like giving locals, but it's always some like raging psychopath who DMS me like, I don't find you funny, but let me fucking open for you, dumb bitch. And I'm like, no, this is not happening. right their whole flights. I started to yeah, I sound like I'm you pay the $500 flight. Mm-hmm What Deborah to Giovanni I sound like I'm ordering children. I'm like, I want to I want a woman I want a black and I need one. There's a little bit tardy for diversity

Starting point is 00:13:26 I You don't actually say that. I, yeah, it's a lot. I mean, I'm not, I'm not walking away with money, really. I'm not, I just, okay, this is going to sound crazy. I don't let people open for me who aren't following me. You are such a diva. Oh my God. Why am I going to let some fucking bullshit? I care. I'm not some bullshit old my girl who's good. Talk about fucking raping his dad.

Starting point is 00:13:42 Open for me with all my money. I'm not going to let some fucking bullshit? I care Well, I'm not some bullshit. Oh my girl who's good talk about fucking raping his dad open for me with all my cool fucking fans Yeah, suck my dick. I don't even think if it's follow me. You're a girl. Thank you. Thank you. That's crazy I don't give a shit. I've been doing comedy double the amount of your sorry ass. I'm old as hell I'm not putting up with bullshit anymore. Yeah Hey, I want 14 how old are you? I'm 40. So I was 18 really

Starting point is 00:14:22 Oh my god, that must have been crazy. No, I was so bad. Oh my god Do you have a do you have some of your old jokes? Play them. It's play. No, I will. It's I don't I have to leave the room. No, it's no, it's so my first. So I went to this Humber College comedy program. What? And my first. Yes. A Humber. Humber College. It's a two year comedy program in Toronto.

Starting point is 00:14:38 And my fucking. I really want to go to clown school. It is clown school. I just learned about clown school and I want to go. You don't want to go should go to fucking clown school. It's only two weeks. No, I wanted to go to Paris Oh, you gotta go. Oh, yeah, do the one with us Zach sucker. No, no, no the guy who trained him I think it's only two longer She a or something go sure I. Oh, that's fine.

Starting point is 00:15:05 I've seen sinners. I just want to be a black blues artist. Oh, no. Why? I can't tell if this is racist or not. And then they put ones that are more yellow than your teeth in. I guess to give me someone to look forward to. I guess I go, they're not going to be this, right? And they go, no, no, they're just replacements. How many are we replacing the whole thing?

Starting point is 00:15:26 what's going on here? I have a a um This is sick what I'm doing. I have a tenderizing then I'm pulverized right is it good tell the people it's good It's good. Tell the people you are pulverizing out I have um I had a root canal and then that tooth is dying and I had a fake tooth. And so in order to replace the one they have to replace both to match with the rest of the teeth. And I kind of wanted to get one silver. In the front gold. Right in the front.

Starting point is 00:15:59 What if I did a fucking silver? Right in the front. You want that? I don't know. What does justice have? I need silver. Two silvers. Then do silver. No, I'm not. I don't have that look for it. No, that's a bit. But I'm getting the regular ones on Thursday. Do they put them in one at a time or is it like a whole thing they put in? No. My boy. These are connected. I kind of wish. I kind of wish that they didn't give me these. I just had a gap in my mouth. Oh, that'd be fun. Oh yeah. They look a bit George Washington.

Starting point is 00:16:33 I suck pussy. That's how you make them. That's how his tooth got rotted out. That's how we got the root canal. It's not downloading. God's sakes. Yes, it hurt. They put me in so much laughing gas. Oh, that's what that nose thing was that you're wearing. Is that what that's for? That hammer? No, I don't really know where it even came from. We it just appeared on the doctor knee thing. Looks like one of those. I think it's some Ikea. I keep tap tap the wood pegs in kind of vibe. Oh,

Starting point is 00:17:02 now that's nice. Now the the tooth. I am a bit worried why. Well, what if they're not my teeth aren't as white as they used to be? Why did they make your teeth so yellow? No, they're not going to make these are fake. These are like wood. Let me see. Hey, you are George Washington.

Starting point is 00:17:20 These are wood. Oh, you know what it is. I bet they came in white, but then you smoked in their bad substance. So it darkened them. Oh, yeah. Because it is. I bet they came in white, but then you smoked in their bad substance So it darkened them. Oh, yeah They absorbed it like a sponge Cigarette teeth. How long you had before now? They were a lot lighter. Yeah, and also I can't get so fucked up. These are not my real teeth These are falsies. I have falsies. I get my reels on Thursday. Okay, okay All right, well that's gonna keep those this was a fun little great

Starting point is 00:17:50 Oh, I can't brush my gums because they're so sensitive Yeah right now and so I'm just like gargling saltwater and oh it hurts so bad. God. Yeah, I hate dental work I do you look at yourself out fine dental you took care of me. What you ever did you look at yourself without them? But shout out Fine Dental. You took care of me. What? Did you look at yourself without them? Yeah. You want to see? Who would ever call it Fine Dental? Why not call it Good Dental? Because his name is Dr. Fine.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Oh, Dr. Fine. That makes more sense. Is he hot? Yeah. If you like old guys that love the Milwaukee Brewers. That's exactly my type. Jesus. Show him your spank bank. He's got to see it. Oh, shit. Oh, that's what's in there. You. What is that?

Starting point is 00:18:28 I thought it was me a gap. There's a thing there. Oh, God, those are. He hit me with the hammer. No, you might have to hit those teeth out with a hammer. Get rid of those. Those things. I thought there was nothing there. I didn't know there was a little nub.

Starting point is 00:18:41 And then this was them yesterday. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We're going to coffee and. Oh yeah, they were white yesterday. And you're saying they're more yellow. Oh yeah, way more yellow. From the coffee and so that's already. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. 100%. Huh. Your normal face looks like that? You have a metal stud and a shaved tooth?

Starting point is 00:18:54 Yeah, that's- Get it away. Get it away. Get it away. What is the metal stud? What is that guy that hit a hitchhiker doing over there? Holy shit. No, this is scary.

Starting point is 00:19:03 I didn't know there there's underneath there. Is that what all is that? What all are underneath? Oh, because this was a little one. Yes. Yes. Like if you had to little shavies. Yeah, little shavies. Everybody who gets veneers,

Starting point is 00:19:16 everybody, you know, veneers, if you take those veneers out, they have tiny little babies. Isn't that horrifying? Hey, you, you. Hey, keep hitting me with a hammer. Come on. I know what my nightmare is. Whatever that is.

Starting point is 00:19:30 Hey, come on. Hold yourself down and let me eat your pussy. You know what my one criteria is for dating? They have to have giant teeth. Giant. I have giant teeth. Not fake. No, I like my teeth will be real Thursday and then we can date. You ever date a guy with tiny teeth? Get them. No, I like my teeth will be real Thursday and then we can date. You ever date a guy with tiny teeth? Get them. No, I had one guy one time. So many gums, big gums, little checklets.

Starting point is 00:19:51 Scary. What are you doing? He's not doing good. Those are almost like the preveneers. Just get veneers on them. That's small. Yeah. I love a big tooth. A big tooth. You have big teeth. You ever had teeth when you're kissing? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:04 You're wearing them. Get the fuck. Here's your fake. They're kissing? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clamoring them. Get the fuck. Yours are fake. They're gonna be real. My ex-boyfriend had two front fake teeth and they were really big. And I was like, I love your teeth. That's what mine are gonna be.

Starting point is 00:20:13 But I wasn't attracted to them. And then I saw his brother and he had naturally tiny teeth. And I realized I'm only attracted to your teeth because they're fake, not real. And your physiology inherently isn't attractive to me. And now your man has big teeth? Huge.

Starting point is 00:20:24 Big fat chompers. Jefferson has huge teeth. Big mouth, big teeth. How big of a wang does he have? Pretty big. It's like pretty big flaccid. Show us. Like flaccid is like this.

Starting point is 00:20:35 Nice, relatable. Wow. It's nice. Thick. Big vein. You love a thick. I love a thick. You love a thick.

Starting point is 00:20:43 And it's always hard. Like he got hard on the plane that day just from the turbulence. And I was like, oh. Really? He turned me on. I looked over and he's like, look at this. I love a thick. You love a thick. And it's always hard. Like he got hard on the plane that day just from the turbulence. And I was like, oh, really? He turned me on. I looked over. He's like, look at this. And I was like, oh, wait a minute.

Starting point is 00:20:50 What? Was this the same plane ride? No. Okay. What happened on another plane ride? She was having a delusion that he was checking a girl out. Oh yeah. You're not all right up here, huh?

Starting point is 00:20:59 No, I'm gone. We're the same person, Ian. We realize we are literally. We're the same person. We realize our childhood trauma is We're the same person. We realize our childhood trauma is the exact same. Oh my God, everybody with their trauma. And it's manifesting as,

Starting point is 00:21:12 give me the fucking hammer, I'm gonna hammer the teeth right out of us. Please. And we've realized that we have the same, like instead of being like, hey, it really hurts me that you say that, we go, and we punch a wall, and then we go, I bet you want to fuck her.

Starting point is 00:21:26 Don't you? Oh, yeah. Oh, so you guys just figured out you're both insufferable. Yeah, that's exactly it. Yeah. By all. Oh, it's bad. It's bad. I can't believe he's still around. So I can't believe you're so you both. So you both realize you both keep the menu date in prison. Give me the hammer.

Starting point is 00:21:43 It's not in prison. It's not in prison. We are good people. What is the word? It's what? It's it's it's it's in it's it's interested. Hey, we're keeping them interested. Prison, I think, would be like passive aggressiveness.

Starting point is 00:22:02 At least prison, you get conjugal visits and you join a gang with these situations. No, but me and Steph are also like, if you don't fuck me tonight, you don't love me. So we have to have sex all the time. That's not prison. That's not prison. Man loves that. That's prison.

Starting point is 00:22:14 Oops. Because sometimes- Oh no. Oh no. Is that prison? Because boy, howdy. Boy, then I locked me up Yes, oh boy is that prison

Starting point is 00:22:32 No, we don't suck his dick every day sounds like it's exhausting Tired I'm tired My neck a woman could say to me now is do you just want to go to sleep? And I'm like, thank god! If you go to sleep that means you don't love me. If you go to sleep without fucking me that means you're fucking somebody else. Oh great, so I can put my dick in you while you disassociate and go

Starting point is 00:22:56 well you fucked me hard last night do you not love me as much now? Oh no, I don't talk to you. How do you know my dirty stuff? I don't talk either. No, no, I'm not talk during set. How do you know my dirty stuff? I don't talk either. No, no, I'm not. I say I have one line that I say. What? Fill me up.

Starting point is 00:23:14 Whoa! Like a freaking F-150 who's fresh out of fuel. You say it just like that and you go, Fill me up. Fill me up to the brim. I say, I say zero words. You say nothing. Zero. I say, fill me up. I say, I sometimes say, I need your come. That's hot. That's good. That's good. We like that. He's been coming inside me. So we got to check back. Are you trying to have a baby?

Starting point is 00:23:39 No, are you on the pill? I know. But so if you have a kid, you're like, oh well, if I have a kid, I'd have it. Oh, prison, baby. That's what I'm doing. I'm 40. So I'm like this. If this is it, if, if, if it squeaks by, if it's by the old guy, that thing's going to come out looking like me with these teeth.

Starting point is 00:24:00 Oh no. You made a mistake. I shouldn't have been filled up. I'm thinking of pre-abortion. How old is he? 37. Oh, no. You made a mistake. I shouldn't have been filled up. I'm thinking of pre-abortion. He's thirty seven. Oh, yeah. Nice.

Starting point is 00:24:10 Yeah. I would like this is like I wanted to do something with my hands. A little too hard. I'm showing you that I'm nice. You are nice. You unclog the toilet that I think I was going to clog. And I bring her period pads. That was nice. And you knew that she wore pads. They're good pads.

Starting point is 00:24:26 Yeah, I know your type. Listen, I always said pads were disgusting. Hear me out. They absorb the blood. Tampons slowly push out your vagina. You know that's true. So that you're a prairie dog in a tampon. You've never prairie dog a tampon?

Starting point is 00:24:34 No, I'm kind of dry. Let's go back to having sex. That's a big topic. But you're a light period? I'm a light perioder. So it's bad, more dry than pushing out. Really? I picture you having sex with a light period.

Starting point is 00:24:42 I'm a light perioder. I'm a light perioder. I'm a light perioder. I'm a light perioder. I'm a light perioder. I'm a light perioder. I'm like, let's go back to having sex. I'm a light period. So it's bad. More dry than pushing out. Really? I picture you look like the hallway in The Shining. I honestly, I don't look like the woman from The Shining too. I feel, I feel like I know I look like I just like clots come out of my ass. But clots come out of my ass. I just clotted all over his bathroom. You did. And he had to. Yeah. and I made you come in and clean it up I love you clotted on the toilet. I Loved watching you both fix the toilet. It was very wholesome. Yeah, we did we did great. It breaks through

Starting point is 00:25:13 Man the other day I clogged a toilet with poop. It's not with poop. It's with too much toilet paper Was on my headphones talking on the phone. Why do you use all the toilet paper? The water off the ground no I heard something turn coyote is licking the water off the ground. No, ew. Jordan, no, at your own house. Oh, yeah. Cleaned it all up. You were taking away. You were talking on the phone, taking a shit.

Starting point is 00:25:35 I shit talking on the phone. Wipe too much. I wipe too much. You see much TP. No, no, I don't give a fuck. Always always shit. Oh, shit on the phone. Yeah. I need silence. I shoot on the phone.

Starting point is 00:25:46 Oh, interesting. I sometimes turn the lights off. I do intervals of muting when I make noises and unmuting. Really? I'll just say to my friends, I'm ooping. Oh my God. It's like the only moment I'm quiet. Jake on the road, I'll be like, I'm going in here.

Starting point is 00:26:00 What are we going to watch? Oh my God. I need complete silence. I can't fucking shit. Are you fart on the road? Are you have a fart bag? I fart nonstop. Bro, on the road though,

Starting point is 00:26:11 there's something about the club food or something. It is like a fucking billowing. You're eating the club food? You're eating deep fried? I'm eating Greek wraps. Greek salad butter wrap. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I was like, does Sydney know this?

Starting point is 00:26:22 But it makes you fart. It makes you fart. What do you eat on the road before you go up? I eat dinner beforehand, or I'll have like a veggie platter in the green room. That's it. What do you do? I don't remember. Pig boy. Pretty easy.

Starting point is 00:26:33 Pig boy. Quesadilla or buffalo chicken bites. We just went through a breakup with a porn star. We did. Wait, wait, wait. I lost my soy. Were you with this person? No, this is like six months ago. Are you moving to Austin? No. Oh, my God. There's so much misinformation.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Me and Duncan, I did Duncan's podcast and he's little. The joke was bigger. He's little. Did you do his podcast? No, but I saw him the other day at the Irish thing. I could have tossed him right down the stairs. Dude. So we saw him with Walter Gogginsgins Walton Goggins saw him the other day He's small winky man. Could I break in that? Did you hear it? Did you hear about that guy that fucked a corpse on the New York City subway? Someone died on the subway and a guy fucked the corpse and the joke on Duncan's podcast was it?

Starting point is 00:27:21 I was a guy that fucked the corpse. So he's like, what are you doing down in Austin? I'm like, I'm just visiting for a minute. I had to get out of town. Hey, can I move in with you? I'm looking for a place to stay. And the only part of the clip they put on Instagram was me going, yeah, I'm looking for a place to stay in Austin. Can I live with you? I'm moving down here.

Starting point is 00:27:38 So then all these people have been like, when are you moving? Also, I'm like, I'm not. OK, just ask me. You can't leave this fucking, this studio alone. Yeah, it's great, right? You're fucking done. This is it. This is your home forever now.

Starting point is 00:27:50 That's your place too. Yeah. Home studio. So I brought you up again to the day because you always make fun of my area. And then there was a shooting last night across from my house. Of course there was.

Starting point is 00:28:00 Yeah, you live in great theft auto. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. You stayed there. You think that was that scary too? Here's the thing. Oh my god. She was the one that was like, you got to get me Steph's area. It's scary. No, no, I loved it. You dropped me off and you were like, uh-oh.

Starting point is 00:28:13 And then Duncan dropped me off and he was like, uh-oh. And I was like, I loved it. I thought it was nice. I've been there for 10 years. I walked to the coffee shops down the street. What coffee shop down the street? Oh, Paris Cafe. The one that was disgusting. The one that's right by the 101. No, not disgusting. There's not a lot of coffee shops in that area. The problem is this is a bad area for walking. I walked up to the main street. Okay, yeah. Oh yeah, sunset or something. Yeah. You have sex in complete silence. No, I make noises. Oh, that's okay. In the ear. Ah! Yeah. Eerie, eerie, eerie.

Starting point is 00:28:46 In your eyes. That's a good one. No, I have good sex. I think I have good sex. I'm trying so hard, because I think Jefferson's so hot, so I'm like, I can't lose him. Give it all you got every time.

Starting point is 00:28:58 And my back is so bad, like I keep throwing up my back. And the other day it was so sore, and I was like, and he couldn't see. He's like, you good? I'm like, yeah. And I was like, it's couldn't see, is it good? I'm like, yeah. And I was like, it's so much pain. But I was like using the pain.

Starting point is 00:29:07 Oh, yeah. But I'm like, my second, it was like fucking tightening up so bad. Yeah. Are you bottom girl or top girl? Oh, I'm all over. I'm side, top, bottom, up, down, fucking around. Oh, I'm sweating.

Starting point is 00:29:20 I am giving it. Good for you. I'm doing fucking crossfit in there. I'm like, two handed, I'm fucking. Oh, I'm folding. I am giving it. Good for you. I'm doing fucking CrossFit in there. I'm like to hand in. I'm fucking. Oh, I'm folding in. We folded in half so bad at a hotel the day I couldn't believe my body. And the next day I couldn't walk and I was like, what was he doing?

Starting point is 00:29:33 And he's like, you know, last night in the shower, my head is knocking the back of the wheelchair thing like fucking crazy. I had a bump in my head. The middle of my head. I can't I can't bend like that. I can't wear laces anymore because my back hurts. I can't have my shoes up. I've been wearing these. I'm't bend like that. I can't wear laces anymore because of my back hurts. I can't tie my shoes up. I've been wearing these.

Starting point is 00:29:46 I'm loafing it up. Wait, you're bending over in the... I'm bending in half. And I have hemorrhoids. I don't know what I'm doing back there. Oh, shut up, Ian. As if you don't have a hemorrhoid. You look like a hemorrhoid in a hat right now. Oh, my God! You little rapscallion.

Starting point is 00:30:04 He has hemorrhoids. Of course. No, I don't. No, I little rapscallion. Yes, I'm right. Of course. No, I don't. No, I just got my back yesterday. I'm pissed. It was gone. And now I'm seething when it's back. You all right? What's the matter with you?

Starting point is 00:30:14 What gave it back? I think New York. I've been drinking so fucking much. I don't drink this much when I'm in LA. Yeah, so fucking chill. I know. I have a problem. Let's go to a meeting.

Starting point is 00:30:22 No, I'm not. No problem. Not bad. I'm vivid in Martini the second this podcast is done. I'm looking around like what's go to a meeting. No, I know I'm not a problem. Not bad. I met Martin the second this podcast is looking around like what's in the fridge and perched. Yeah. Do you get hemorrhoids on the inside or outside? Inside.

Starting point is 00:30:33 Yeah. Inside is better, though, I think. The last girl I dated, I said, I like you so much. I'll pop them for you. You don't pop them, do you? No, I don't pop. We pop them. If they're on the outside. The outside, because you pop back in.

Starting point is 00:30:43 pop them? Do you know what a pop pop them? If they're on the outside, the outside, because you pop back in. I'm sorry, I've never been to a hospital. What's going on right now? This is what you both you have had a hemorrhoid and I'm going to pull up both your assholes right now and take a look. I get such pains in my asshole sometimes that I have to lay on the ground and cry. I've had a fissure. It's not hemorrhoids. It's it's a lower it's a pain in my lower colon. I don't know what it is.

Starting point is 00:31:08 Yeah. Sure. Did I tell you about the lump? What about how's the lump? What is it? Well, she grabbed it, yanked it. Ready for this? Hurt here. I started pulling something at my ab and I was like, Oh, put it down, put it down. It was this ligament that attaches here that usually ends like frayed through a little polyp. Wow. She was tugging the ligament and it was tugging my app. Isn't that crazy? That is wild.

Starting point is 00:31:35 Like a toy that has a string. But it didn't hurt the actual like when she touched it like this. That's fine. So what's going to happen now? I'm leaving it. The human body is bizarre. You're leaving it because it's invasive. So wonderful. It is wild. It's invasive to happen now? I'm leaving it. It's all fine. The human body is just- Sorry, you're leaving it because it's invasive. So wonderful. It is wild.

Starting point is 00:31:48 It's invasive to take it out. I think so, yes. I think so, yeah. I had no variance cyst when I was in eighth grade. I kept thinking, I'm like, what the fuck's going on? It was the size of a fucking like football on my ovary. I took birth control for three months, shrunk it. Really?

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Starting point is 00:35:20 And thanks Bluechoo for sponsoring the podcast. Are you still on birth control? No, I think it's the only time I'm a great ate or I wasn't fucking anybody. I've been off it for so long. I was crazy. I was so crazy. And thanks, Bluechew, for sponsoring the podcast. Are you still on birth control? No, I think it's the only time I'm grade eight. I wasn't fucking anybody. I've been off it for so long. I was crazy. I was so fat. I was such a fat pig. I was a fat, gluttonous oinker. Stop it. Do I need to show him the episode?

Starting point is 00:35:36 Yes, you do. Remember that I showed you the clip of me? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to pig court. I showed her the picture of me. We're all oink for the honorable judge. Piggy squiggly. No, it's piggy. It's piggy self. Let's see.

Starting point is 00:35:54 I'm pulling it up. Court is adjourned. You're sentenced to never showing me that photo again. It is not me. Let me see. What are you talking about? Look at me. You look cute.

Starting point is 00:36:10 Well, you have the thing that I have. I don't look cute. Why can't we just? You look fine, man. You look great. You don't look bad at all. The troll story is really good. Where was that on? The troll story? You don't look bad at all. Troll story is really good. Where was that on the troll story?

Starting point is 00:36:26 You don't look bad. You look really cute. Addition to be a troll. Oh, fuck me. Yeah, that was a nightmare. That was a good. What happened? I had to be the fucking troll woman and I didn't get it. I was so fucking pissed. I'm like, are you kidding me? Because I saw the commercial and the girl full prosthetics. I was like, you would have saved a lot of fucking money.

Starting point is 00:36:44 And the guy went in to be my troll husband. Come with you, actually. I think he booked it. I was like, you would have saved a lot of fucking money. And the guy went in to be my troll husband. Kind of like you, actually. I think he booked it. I was pissed. I'm like, we were trolling. We're too trolly. I got into once in Canada. I booked it was so embarrassing. Looking for a girl, a three or four out of ten.

Starting point is 00:36:58 Oh, my God. I booked it. No, no, gets worse, gets worse. My friend, Kayla Lorette, also booked it. She's pretty. Very funny. We both booked it. No, no, gets worse. Gets worse. My friend, Kayla Lorette, also booked it. She's pretty. Very funny. We both booked it. They couldn't decide who was more disgusting. You know, the Skittles commercials where you put your finger on the rainbow, whatever,

Starting point is 00:37:14 and then it would be somebody looking in the screen, whatever. It was that. It was us. We were ugly princesses kissing the piece of glass had to come in. They made her look a little cuter than they made me look hideous. And I guess they ran by the skittles people. Dear God, no, she's too gross. And they didn't air mine. Really? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:31 This is in Canada. This is Canadian television. But you got paid. I got paid like five hundred bucks. It's non-union. Non-union to be told I was an ugly pig, but too ugly. Even too ugly to be booked. I'll pay you.

Starting point is 00:37:44 I'll pay you half of that to tell you you're an ugly pig. What do you think? Let's go. Oh my God. Three or four out of ten. That was that was in like the line to like. What year was this? Fuck. It's probably 2015. It was a different time.

Starting point is 00:37:59 The problem with me. Sorry. The problem with me and you is that if we're fat, it's game over. If you're skinny. We're fine Well, no, what are you talking? I need a nose job or I'm I'm thinking of getting huge tits. If my nose looks smaller What do you think agree? Great? No, no like big honkers? Just like as big as me Jordan's faces behind you Comically large. Wait, are you thinking about getting? No, I'm thinking about a lot.

Starting point is 00:38:26 Just be who you are. I want to! I will. I'm too lazy. I get a BBL if I were you, but be who you are. They're hairy as hell, but I like them. Your tits? The darker hairs are coming in. I just want a smaller rib cage. Bring that sucker down. My rib cage is bigger than my tits.

Starting point is 00:38:42 No it's not. Look at that thing. It's the way you're pushing it out right now. It my tits. No it's not. Look at that thing. If I. It's the way you're pushing it out right now. It's so sensed. It's not even close. If I could get surgery to elongate my torso I would do that. Me too. I'd like a longer torso. Long torso.

Starting point is 00:38:54 I would like a longer torso. Me too. Okay. One of those girls that has the pregnant belly almost like where it comes out. Huh? Like under their belly button is like long. No. Then it goes up. Oh I know what you mean. Yeah I like that. How do I describe that? I don't know but not pregnant belly. Yeah belly button is like long. No. Then it goes up. Oh, I know. I mean, yeah, I like that.

Starting point is 00:39:05 I don't know. I describe that. I don't know. But not pregnant belly. Yeah, it's not like law like the high belly button, like lower. Longer. Yeah. You could go like this. Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah. I still don't see it. Who has it? Carmen Legala. Or so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long, long, thin. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:24 Like nice shape. Yeah. Like a pony. Yeah. Look like a damn pony. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, long, thin. Yeah, like nice shape. Yeah, like a pony. Yeah, look like a damn pony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the legs just prop that sucker up. Yeah, prop it up. Froppy, proppy. I like that.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Said I'm squat. You're not squat. You're tall. What are you, 5'9"? Squat, squat torso. 5'10"? What are you? 5'9". How tall are you? 5'7".

Starting point is 00:39:43 There it is. You guys would be a really good screen couple. We could play something easily on camera. Let's do it right now. Give us a scenario. OK. Here, I'll drive. You're driving. Classical, you know, hold on, we're an English man. Oh, you're driving. He's driving. This is the scenario. All right. You're in a you're in you're an Uber driver. But we're dating.

Starting point is 00:40:09 You're an Uber driver. You're an Uber driver. And I love my wife so much. I can't leave her. I come with you on the trip. You just picked her up. She sat in the front seat, which is weird, but you allowed it because you feel something.

Starting point is 00:40:23 OK. Oh, so we're not a couple yet. No, no, which is weird, but you allowed it because you feel something. Okay Oh, so we're not a couple yet. No, no, no, okay. Sorry. I get car sick certainly use the microphone against your face Certainly hold this against your mouth. We got a yeah, we need to be acting still Things we set up front I get car sick. Oh, of course I usually don't let people drive in the front seat with me, but I just couldn't resist with you. Yeah, you had a lot of garbage up here. I noticed. I have more now. Just getting nagging. I've been reading the pickup artist manual.

Starting point is 00:40:55 Cool. I would not like this, man. I hate this. I would never want to sit in the front seat. Now be a different person. Be better. Your name is Toby. Hi, I'm Toby. Hi, Steph. Thanks for picking me up. Of course. You've never sat next to a woman before. I've never sat next to a woman before. Oh, wow. That's a lot to find out. Quite nervous. Let me do it. Do you want me to go to the back? Okay. Let's. Okay. OK. OK. OK.

Starting point is 00:41:25 You guys are are you are a. Moving truck driver and you just left your boyfriend. Oh, yes. And so now it's good. OK, OK. Fuck, I had to get out of there. Fuck. Thank you. What do you have like rats or something? No. Well, I mean, technically, I guess I had to get out of there. Fuck. Thank you. What did you have, like rats or something? No. Well, I mean, technically, I guess I was living with a rat.

Starting point is 00:41:49 Boyfriend piece of shit. Just cheat on me. I found out I found liking all these comedians. Thirst trap photos and I hate that. I hate that. Sorry. It's just I'm sorry. I don't even know you. I don't even follow. There's one comedian I do follow and I just do. I'm so like.

Starting point is 00:42:07 Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. What is it? So embarrassing. No, no, no. What is it? No, it's somebody. It's somebody I can't know. Who is it? I just like was focused on the road and I didn't. You are the you're the. Thank you. I. Yeah, I was wondering if you noticed. You know, I don't get recognized a lot, but I. Yeah, thank you. I like did recognize you and I was moving your stuff, but I was trying not to like stare No, yeah, I just I'm thank you. I'm like a huge. I've like been a fan since before you had fans Oh, wow, that's yeah, that's a while. What a fucking who the fuck would cheat on you the chemistry in this We were killing it over here. I hate this thing. I don't want this anywhere near me.

Starting point is 00:42:48 Alright, continue. Well, you ruined it. I was a homeless man on the street. People would have bought whatever this is. You just drove by me. Continue. No, I'd run you over. Go back and run over to homeless man. Hey! I'm the most beautiful lady in the car right now, asshole.

Starting point is 00:43:05 God, let's do that. Guy was fat and ugly. No one's ever going to be. No one's going to miss him. No one is ever going to look for him or know he's dead or is even alive. It smelled like cat shit. Oh, God. His apartment has cats for sure, because I'm feeling allergic. Just being around him.

Starting point is 00:43:19 No, he's all coughing. My throat's drying. Anybody who must have sex with him must have serious. There's no way that man has a penis or has sex. Oh my God, if he does, every girl has borderline, 100%. Oh God, if it is, it's micro and it's dirty. It is like, it looks like, you know what it looks like? You know those little babies when their belly button hasn't fully like healed?

Starting point is 00:43:38 Hey! Oh no! Oh, he's still alive! Ah! Ah! Do, do, do, do, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Scared coyote. Oh my god, there's a beautiful woodland creature on the road.

Starting point is 00:43:50 Oh, save the dog! Eew the dog's licking his dead body! Oh, I don't even think it's a dog. I think that's a beautiful angel fox that has ascended from heaven. What even is that thing? It's too cute for me to even look at. Kinda like you. Wow. Wow. Why can I still hear the disgusting dead homeless pig? kind of like you. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 00:44:05 Why can I still hear the disgusting dead homeless pig? I don't understand. I thought we killed him. I thought we killed him. Good. I think we are going to sell something.

Starting point is 00:44:17 I don't like that your butt cheeks are clenching. Why do they clench? Why are they clenching like that? What happened? Your butt is clenching. And penis away from my beautiful dog. What happened? Why did they clench? They that? What happened? Your butt is clenching. And penis away from my beautiful dog. What happened?

Starting point is 00:44:27 Why did they clench? You clenched your anus. You did. What are you talking about? I'm just existing. No. No. Your underwear went all the way down your anus.

Starting point is 00:44:36 You were pushing come out. What was that? What? You just clenched. My pants were falling down. Now you humped the floor. You humped the floor. You're hard.

Starting point is 00:44:44 You guys made me hard. You guys made me hard. And I have a fetish for that. You clenched your anus. You clenched. My pants were falling down and I. You humped the floor. You humped the floor. You're hard. You guys made me hard. You guys made me hard and I have a fetish where when people call me a homeless fat pig I get turned on. I'm sorry. Put your pants buckles on. You're triggering our listeners. Most of them have been molested by a man who looks like you.

Starting point is 00:45:03 Like a hundred percent of them actually. Oh god. Can we admit that was pretty good improv when I ran backwards. You know what, we didn't have. I will admit that. You know what, that was good. I was hoping you weren't going to come back on the scene, but then I was happy you came back.

Starting point is 00:45:16 Hey! No, we're not going to find a way to rub our genitals on the girls while we're on the show. He's clenching again. Coyote get away from him. Coyote's upset. Coyote's actually coming to protect you right now because she's like this disgusting pig. You're a perfect angel. I had to catch myself.

Starting point is 00:45:36 That was a lot. That was upsetting. She came to protect me. None of these things are washed, are they? All these things that keep going in your mouth? Corn? No. Oh, you got something in your. Oh, no, just to eat them. I do that to my dog. Really? Yeah. I look at they love to. They love it. It's so gross because they love it.

Starting point is 00:45:55 They love it. They like to crusty. You pull their crusties out and you let them look at because they like you. They like it. You know, it is gross. It is gross. It's disgusting. But dog people will understand it. But normal people think it's gross. It is gross. Oh, it's disgusting. But she loves to eat it. Eww. I know it is gross. It is gross. It's disgusting. But dog people will understand it. But normal people think it's gross. It is gross. It's disgusting. But she loves to eat it. Sometimes I'll pick my own booger. Give it to her. That's it. I've never done that. That's a whole. She really likes it. Have you ever blown a snot rocket on the ground? Susan eats it. No, I don't do that. It's not a thing bothers me. This is not why snot rocket feels so good. No, I don't like it.

Starting point is 00:46:22 Why? Because you got too much ammo. Exactly. Hello. No, I don't know.. Why? Because you got too much ammo up there? Exactly. Hello. No, I don't know. I just, it grossed me out. A guy snuck rocketed in front of me once when I was like in high school, immediately vomited. So it's disgusting. Really? But if you are in the cold and you have a constantly runny nose, you have to do it. Then you should have Kleenex on you. That's the one thing I'm like, people are like, oh, pick my nose. Everyone picks your fucking nose.

Starting point is 00:46:43 Pick your nose all day long. But I'm like, I'm not going to fucking, and then I eat like my dog. No, then I'm like, I would pick my nose. Everyone picks your fucking nose. Yeah, it was all day long. But I'm like, I'm not going to fucking. And then I eat like my dog. No, that I'm like, I then that that that image just put alone. I've never done alone. It grossed me out that badly. When you get a go, when you feel pretty good. When it's just the clear kind. Oh, yeah. The allergy one, the allergy one.

Starting point is 00:47:01 OK, OK. You're going to try it. She really doesn't like that... She hates the wooing. She doesn't like this. Yeah, she doesn't like fart noises, probably because she was raised around a bunch of them. She's triggered by the farts. I farted on her so much. Really?

Starting point is 00:47:15 Oh my God. She sleeps under the covers. Rippin' ass. Stinkies are just noises. Stinkies? Oh man, I love when women are like, my farts don't smell. Shut the fuck up.

Starting point is 00:47:24 Oh my God, I've hit her with some hiss don't smell. Shut the fuck up. Oh my God. I've hit her with some hissers where I go, I'm so sorry about this. Yeah, really. Hisses are bad. Susan Farts. Her asshole is so big. Every time she jumps on the couch like a human fart sound. She'll run away if you do the fart sound. Do it again. Do it again.

Starting point is 00:47:40 No, I'm not. I'm not mean. It's OK. Stop. Stop. Stop. Oh, I can't believe she hates it. It's OK. Oh, stop, stop. Oh, I can't believe it's OK. Oh, no. She was traumatized by fucking farts. No, no, no. I didn't know it was that bad. Really weird. It's really weird. Oh, my God. You're laughing at it. Oh, my. I now I can say this.

Starting point is 00:48:03 I did the Bradley Cooper movie and I thought I was going to bite Laura Dern. So I was having a panic attack and then I got diarrhea because I ate bad sushi and I ran home, blew up my apartment, left Coyote in it to go to a spot. And I felt really bad about it because it was the worst smelling poop I've ever. Can you discuss the movie at all? You love to like talk about. I am now. It has been released. Oh, it's really it's out. No, no. The deadline is out. OK, so you can talk about how cool

Starting point is 00:48:27 on the red carpet suit can I be your date I don't think there is a red carpet yes there will be for the premiere yeah there will be really oh yeah no it'll be that way probably too right come on really oh yeah probably can I be can I be your date for the premiere? No, I have a boyfriend He's not gonna go. That's true. Oh No, he wouldn't go to that. He probably wouldn't. No, that's come on. Yeah. No He would definitely not go. What the hell? Yeah. Jefferson ran my fucking teleprompter for my special Yeah, yeah, fuck off. What? Yeah. What do you mean you to teleprompter for my special. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck off.

Starting point is 00:49:06 What? Yeah. What do you mean you had a teleprompter? I was doing jokes that I hadn't done in a long time. I needed to see the order. I had a fucking teleprompter. Word for word? No, like just the joke. I did the name of the joke.

Starting point is 00:49:17 That's awesome. Like choke, idiot, pig man, like that. Yeah, pig man. And then I had the timer right on top. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Because you know, because most people have like a little note, like a piece of paper on the ground or something. There's that list.

Starting point is 00:49:28 I didn't want to look down at all. I want to be very present. So I just had to the back of the room. That's great. Yeah. I did notice when watching it looked like you were reading. I thought that was just how you deliver jokes. It's not out, you asshole. Yeah. I did see a special recently where it looked like they were reading, though.

Starting point is 00:49:43 I can't really come out on. Well, when is this coming out before I say anything else? Well, then, damn it, I wanted to make these episodes. Son of a bitch. When did it come out? I can't say your fucking pants. I can't. What is wrong with you? Sorry, George Washington teeth have got them all fucked up. All right. And the horse teeth over there.

Starting point is 00:50:06 I was crossing the river. I love your hands. It's scary. It's snow. Yes, but I can't say that yet. I'm not allowed to say anything until I should have asked you guys to make this before. They really go Tucky Tucky any any. You guys like guys?

Starting point is 00:50:27 I think the answer. Depends. I like a combo. Yeah, this well. I don't mind if they have a nice waist. I thought your tooth came out. I was like, hmm. No, I don't want to talk. I think it's nice. Thank you. Talk with a nice leather belt. Nice.

Starting point is 00:50:44 Like no hat. I'll put the hat on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,'t want to talk. I think it talks nice. Thank you. Talk with a nice leather belt. Nice And on tuck out And on tuck in tuck out Because you get a high and tight fade tomorrow. I think you should a little weird mullet That's what you get lost shorties and the long hair in the back for a mullet take the hat off. Let's just see for a moment. Take the head off. Let's see. No, I can do it. OK, can do it. But from the top, from the front, Ozzy was long like that. You could really you can. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:11 Let me try doing it right now. Let me try cutting it into a mullet. It's actually not bad. No, if you're seeing the movie, was it called Jim from Taxi? Was it a taxi driver? Yeah. Wow. Let's see. Oh, no. This is a this is a look.

Starting point is 00:51:28 She doesn't. Can we do a trunk? Oh, we go back to front. Back to front. Back. What's the back to front? Back to front. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Starting point is 00:51:40 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, I mean, this is good. That's good. This is good. You know what? Keep it. Don't get a cut. Do that. Do that. I don't hate this side because it's comical. Oh, I like this.

Starting point is 00:51:52 Yeah, it's very Eric. Tim and Eric. Yes, it is. I don't know if that's good. You don't. What the fuck is going on here? Should I shave my head. I think we should do it right now.

Starting point is 00:52:07 Oh, should we? You want to shave it? I think if you're going to shave, do the fire talk first. Just for a bit. You have the best tooth. Let me see your tooth. It's so good. That's the best type of tooth.

Starting point is 00:52:17 No, because it pushed up a bit. The one pushed forward. No, I'm getting, I'm doing it in his line. No, please don't. I'm waiting for it to come in. I really don't like these yellow teeth They match your couch. I Love couch teeth on the girl a little push out a little push out. No, I'm doing this line the girls I have

Starting point is 00:52:35 Chipped up. No, what's wrong with me? Let me see. How'd you chip them? I don't know. I see something stupid. It's sucking on Jefferson's cock Is hard cock my god, I just eat something stupid. Sucking on Jefferson's cock. His hard cock. Oh my god. Show us a picture. Him as a baby. Oh, the cock. Let's see a picture of his cock.

Starting point is 00:53:00 No cock. That's just for my eyes only. I will say when my special comes out, when just please follow me on Instagram so you can see when that does come out. I'm scared my tits are gonna leak. Because I sent these jugs off to a lot of people. Oh, who cares? No. They're making pictures. Everything's out there. Just saying science. You've talked about your body in such detail. Someone's saying grotesque.

Starting point is 00:53:27 That if a picture were to come out, it's no big deal. Don't be afraid. Oh yeah. My face is in there going. Get out ahead of it. Get out ahead of it. Show the people at home what they look like. I have a lot of unders. You ever do one of those where it's just under and you're looking down going like this peeking no nipple Unflattering the undershot. No, it's just joke shot joke shot. Yeah Oh, he's joke. Oh never real shot. Oh, I was trying what no, I've never I can't I can't I can show you I got some good tip. Oh, yeah, I think of that. I've mastered Okay, I will that's what I'm gonna do. So he doesn't get to see anything. I'll shave my head if you'll show me.

Starting point is 00:54:06 No, no, no. Show me while you're looking at us and you can't see. I'll undo the belt again. I like the hair under the hat, but you have to forever get that tattooed on. That's the thing. It looks good under the hat. It does look good under the hat. Right? I think you shouldn't get a haircut. Every time a guy gets a haircut, I get really, I feel really scared of them.

Starting point is 00:54:23 But how long should I grow my hair to? Oh, my God. I know. I know. I'm good at pushing them up. I'm going to push them. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. You do not even get to. I know that was a good one. Doesn't want to be bigger to. All right. Fine. I'll show my fucking cock.

Starting point is 00:54:41 Where they were bigger. Wow. He did look. Those are not. No, that was a good one. I'm sure if I went now they're a bit lower, but they're definitely not as big as they were. Sucks. That's it. You got to get down.

Starting point is 00:54:56 But you got to lie back. It's all about this. You pull, you lie back and you pull them in. You'll pull. You make the nips so right. I'm embarrassed to even have tits. Why? Dude, my fucking cock looks great in this picture.

Starting point is 00:55:10 Silly little chest nubs. Dude, look. I'm gonna show it just as friends. It's just gonna be the black guy on the bed. It's a good cock. It isn't gonna be that, I do like that one though. It's a what? It's the black guy on the bed.

Starting point is 00:55:20 No, dude, the way that tip of my dick looks in this is like really good. Yeah. Who, what is that, the way that tip of my dick looks in this is like really good That's terrifying That's so scary My dad has a running gag as a dad He's running gag is a he's a photo of this baby with a really long dick in his wallet and he's always like Oh, I showed him a baby photo and then brings up this photo that he really long dick in his wallet. And he's always like, oh, I showed him a baby photo. And then brings up this photo that he is laminated in his wallet

Starting point is 00:55:47 because he thinks it's so funny. That's it's hilarious. He can. It's weird. It's like black. We can't tell what it is. It's an old photo. He's had it for so long. But it's so weird the way you can barely see the dick that people are like, oh, that's cute. He's like, and they're like, oh, no, your dad sounds like the man. Well, the man.

Starting point is 00:56:06 This person is long dead. This is this foot has been around for a while. This ain't a new pic of somebody. She's snuggling into your legs. It's just one of the little mole hairs. I know it's beautiful. Are you still talking about your tits? Shut up.

Starting point is 00:56:24 I am talking about it. Is there water? I'm parched. I am talking with it. Is there water? I'm parched. I'm so parched. I've never been parched my life. There's nothing but things on the wall. I would love a sip here. Could you see my phone? Could you see the pictures? There were some no no things on there.

Starting point is 00:56:38 Of women's bodies? No, of me. It's not how you guys see them. Dude, you know what? Actually, I ended up I got a new pillow. It's coming how you guys guys save them. Oh dude, you know what? Actually, I ended up, I got a new pillow. It's coming because I fucked up my neck. This is a pillow I sleep on at night. It really helps. Is that, is that Dred? Is that Dred's dick? Who's Dred? He was at the AVM Porn Awards. Dred's got one of the biggest fucking dicks on the planet. My ex gal that I dated did a bunch of scenes of dread.

Starting point is 00:57:07 No. Yeah. Holy hell. No, no, Jordan. You're you're going to this is it's it's terrifyingly huge. This is this talk. I can't believe that you dated. I can't believe that girl did porn. She was the most. She's the coolest. Quiet. I know. It's like performance for her. Does she like doing it? I mean, it's a job. Nobody likes that.

Starting point is 00:57:24 Yeah. Some people. And if they do like it, it's like, you know, if they like doing it? I mean, it's a job. Nobody likes that. Yeah. Some people. And if they do like it, it's like, ugh, you know? If they're like, give it. Yeah, yeah, if they're like, I come every time, it's like, ugh, ugh, ugh. Okay, where is Dredd's dick? Hold on.

Starting point is 00:57:35 It's a prank. Well, how did you meet her? Okay, well, that's a model of it. Wait, let me see it. That's a model of his dick. That's just like a. That's huge. That's like a dildo, but I can't find his exact, his dick. It's not showing me see. That's a model of his dick. That's just like a that's huge. That's like a dildo. But I don't I can't find him his exact his dick.

Starting point is 00:57:47 It's not showing me it. And it's oh, wait, that might be it. Oh, yeah. Oh, let me see. That's a big one. That's too big. I've had a guy with a huge that a little less. Oh, it was painful. It was one of these where you go, oh, yeah. Whoa, hey, yeah. Hey, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. these where you go, hey, hey, whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Starting point is 00:58:05 hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, beep, beep, beep, beep. It's because it's arranging organs at that point. It is, yeah. Which is good sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes you get the ovary push, it's good. But other times when your uterus is down a little bit

Starting point is 00:58:16 for some reason, you go, oh, you're going to penetrate the cervix. Did you know that when they make, like, you know, people are having vaginas made out of what they're, what have they made out of? Penis. When people are defying God's will. Yes.

Starting point is 00:58:32 When people are living in sin, continue. It, it, it's a hole, but it doesn't, you know, our holes go all the way in and into our bodies. It stops. It stops. Yeah. It stops. Does that seem dangerous? No, because I think it just comes back out.

Starting point is 00:58:44 I think they can flush it out like, like a turkey. No, because I think it just comes back out. I think they can flush it out like a turkey. No, but you got to you got to you got to dilate it every single day until you die. Oh, you do. I thought just when you're when it first gets made, you have to like, no, you have to keep dilating it or else it'll close up. It's really open. Like a piercing. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:58:59 Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. They flip the penis inside out to make the shaft of the vagina. Yes. And you have to continually keep it open or the body. Because the body recognizes it as a wound and it tries to heal itself. I've seen one. My own eyes. Do you like it? It looked pretty good. Really? I was like, not bad. How'd you see it?

Starting point is 00:59:21 As someone who got done showed me on the phone. You know, my ex gal had a real tight puss because she only did porn in the butt because the vagina was for love. Huh. Wait, which one? The most recent? Huh. She never had. Because the butthole expands and contracts like a muscle so it can get blown out and then go back and be tight. I don't get how nobody has anal fissures or hemorrhoids anymore.

Starting point is 00:59:45 I don't know what world we live in where people have them. They're just not brave enough to talk about it. But I mean, like we're having anal sex like she's Adam. It happens. People get them all the time. We want religious. What? I thought he had sex with a vagina. Oh, yes. Oh, OK.

Starting point is 01:00:03 And the God's hole. Oh, do you like butt stuff? Butt, I like butt stuff. He's gay. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I'm not gay! Okay, Jason Ellis. He always like,

Starting point is 01:00:17 I'm trying to work on him accepting himself. He has to, it's absurd. Nobody cares. Yeah, but he might really see it as like a thing he did out of- While he was in addiction. Cause he was fucked up when that was happening, you know.

Starting point is 01:00:32 That's heel for him, man, it's tough. You know? Cause so many guys have done gay stuff and they can just compartmentalize it, but doing it on camera. You know? Oh, I did it on camera? I didn't know we did it on camera.

Starting point is 01:00:43 In an OnlyFans. Oh, shit. Mm hmm. Huh? Oh, he's gay. Yeah. I mean, that's not that's not black out on a heroin bender. That's no, that's you just holding your dick thinking about it right now. Was I? That does not say six zero.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Yeah. But to keep going, brother, I tell you what, we did an hour and a half on RIP. I didn't even feel the freaking time flies. What'd you guys talk about? Nothing. Nothing at all. Don't listen to it. Don't listen to it. Was it bad? It was good. What'd you say? Nothing about me? No. No. Did I come up? No, not once. You've come up more on my Goblin podcast Yes, he's great man, you got to do John Goblet con it's you'd have so much fun. He's so funny He comes in New York. He's gonna do the pub. We're gonna blast. I'm worried. I'll have a panic attack No, no, we have that part grow up Susan obsessed with him in the mask comes out with it long nails Susan runs right in no no, you, you're going to fucking die. Comes out of costume. Susan, you know, the normal person completely ignored him.

Starting point is 01:01:50 No, no, this is going to make you so. No, you're going to love this. It was so fucking cute. It was so fucking cute. Coyote would hate that. I don't I don't think so. Right now, you're calling Dave Vespoly. We love him. No, wait, nose to nose.

Starting point is 01:02:06 Oh, my God. Like I'm talking ups hand. We film is going on. We filmed the video with him and we filmed it. And at the end of it, we put Susan in it and he shook her hand. It's like financial advisor goes, is that OK with you? And she's put her hand up. It's the cutest thing ever. I know. And he did.

Starting point is 01:02:20 No, not the. That's why his name is Dave Gobble Khan in your your phone. Let's hear his name is Dave Gobble con in your, wait, so he does a full prosthetic thing at home. He can do it himself. He brought it to the house. He's a cool. Hello. Yo, I am here with Jordan and Steph tall off and we're singing your praises.

Starting point is 01:02:39 We're recording the podcast and we were wondering if we could talk to Mr. John Goblikon. I was telling him how the episode we were discussing, well, me and John were talking about how the three of us were in a room. He would know who was who, what's what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he use a different voice? He uses a different voice. Can you can you can John talk to Jordan for a second? All right. Let me hold on. Let me let me get him

Starting point is 01:03:10 Hey Hey, John All right, uh, hello Hi, john, it's jordan jensen. I'd really like to do your podcast someday Jordan, I'd love to do my podcast Oh, he's like Santa. It's not at all like I'm like a big green Santa. Oh, he's jolly. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:33 Oh, he's very nice. Not a nice goblin, Jordan. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. You're a good goblin. Yeah, I'm a good gob. I'm a good gob. He's a good gob. I thought he was going to be scaly. No, that's why he sounds like both of us. Yeah. Oh, Jordan, I'm just good gob. He's a good gob. I thought he was going to be scary. No, that's why he sounds like both of us. Oh, Jordan, I'm just like Ian.

Starting point is 01:03:49 And I'm just like, John, everything's good. He is the bad goblin. When you come to New York. Dude, I'm actually planning a trip like it's going to happen. I'm going to come out, do some pods, maybe do a live show. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. We gotta do- Well, fucking come on out.

Starting point is 01:04:10 We'll have a good time. Yeah, absolutely. All right. Absolutely. What, Jordan? Jordan, when are you gonna be in LA? I'm gonna give her dates when I'm not there so she can stay at my house. And John's episode drops tomorrow.

Starting point is 01:04:29 Make it work. We got to do it. I'm going to come out in the next couple of months. Our producer is getting mad at us for being on the phone. He's starting to chew the sweat. Our producer looks like the homeless guy that killed someone with a hatchet. We have to go. He's he's pulling out a hatchet. But I'll be out there soon, Bob O'Conn. Bye.

Starting point is 01:04:48 Bye. Does he do his own proffetto? Yes. Yeah. So he brings like a big fucking case. When I did the episode, Guar came out and it was me, him and Guar. It was fucking awesome. You don't know Guar? You've seen me. You know Guar. Are you insane? Band? You really make me angry sometimes.

Starting point is 01:05:05 Yes! You've seen me. Okay, okay, I do know. Is it what kind of music? His music. Hardcore? Yes. Play it.

Starting point is 01:05:15 Okay. No. But I know who it is. Yes. Because I heard it. Yes. Big costumes, they come blood and- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh

Starting point is 01:05:52 Big clenching those Levi's I Believe the amount of people that let you have sex with me with the clenching actually crunching looks pretty good probably Seriously underestimate how little he gets fucked. Wonderful I am. There was one time that we had his trans lover on who he fucks and the trans lover unveiled that Ian backs that ass up and I've never recovered. Oh, I don't like that. He backs it up.

Starting point is 01:06:17 Like I think he- Backs it into it? He backs into it. I top from the bottom. Isn't that awful? It's the way you said it like that. Isn't that just- I top from the bottom. Isn't that awful? It's the way you said it like that. Isn't that just... His hairy ass?

Starting point is 01:06:28 Good, let me back my ass up. Your hairy butt. It's not hairy. It's hairy. It's not hairy. I guarantee you, my ass is hairier than his. I'm hairy. Dude, I leave butthole hair on.

Starting point is 01:06:40 No, butthole hair off. I leave my butthole hair on. That's disgusting. Mine's disgusting. Mine's off. You wax it? Yeah, I sugar it. Good.

Starting point is 01:06:49 I'd have to. It's just my hair. How much butthole hair are we talking, Jordan? I'm going to say 11 out of 10. 11 hairs. That's nothing. Who cares? These are...

Starting point is 01:06:59 That's not bad. No, mine's a fucking wig. I thought it was looking like Chris Kristofferson's beard. No, it looks like Homer Simpson's head. Oh, there's a couple strands. It's kind of funny. Oh, that's not that bad. I've got it. But sometimes when you wash your butt, you like a little hair friction.

Starting point is 01:07:11 No, I want the loose. I like a fucking fresh, bold anus. How often? Every every six weeks, I get sugared. I do the whole thing. Yeah, the whole thing. They say sugar, we're going down swinging. They go, whoa, that's a big amroid.

Starting point is 01:07:27 No, they go, for some sugar on me and then rip it right off. That's what they do. I've gotten waxed once. It was a horrible experience. They left me with a soul patch. You go everything all off. All of us. Brazilian.

Starting point is 01:07:41 Yeah. Because for ingrown hairs, not for like sexual stuff. Yeah. I just have the mans hairs, not for like sexual stuff. Yeah. I just have the manscaped. Manscaped. Oh, I got a manscape myself. With this, this is a siloed manscape. It's trimming it low. Do you guys like hair on or off? I hate bald men. It's disgusting. I need hair.

Starting point is 01:08:00 Disgusting. I have no hair. It's actually fucking pig-ish. Scary. No, it actually is like a pig dick. And it's always, there's always a weird bump or something. No, no, no. I like pubes. Oh, always a weird bump.

Starting point is 01:08:11 No, you see more stuff. All right, all right. I'll reattach the hair. Just keep your two teeth and put those down there. You're too, you're too. All right. I'll get my pubes out of the trash can and reapply. God, I hate a shaved...

Starting point is 01:08:27 That's why your toilet is clogged, all those thick pubes that were in there. I don't do that. No, you bring it down too tight. I hate when a guy... I have to shave the shaft. The shaft, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. I get hair on the shaft. No, yeah, Jefferson does that. There's some hair on the shaft.

Starting point is 01:08:40 On the bottom? Yeah, yeah. Or the top. The bottom. Grow from the whole house. No, some there, some on the top. Some of them have some loosey- shaft. Yeah, yeah. Or the top. The bottom. Grow from the holes. Well, no, some there's some on the top. Some of the loosey-goosey's up there. A couple of sprinkles. Oh, I did not know.

Starting point is 01:08:50 Yeah, there's some hairs. Wow, that makes sense. You know when a guy goes to buzz the top and then it's too tight. I'm like, oh, what do you think is easy? You think we have a sushi for dinner? I like curly pubes down there. I like when guys go full bush. Yes, I like to be able to scritch it.

Starting point is 01:09:03 Give it some scritch, scritch. Yes, like this. Scritch, scritch, scritch, scritch, scritch, scritch. That's right. That's what about chest hair? Yeah, I love chest hair. But Jefferson's a bald fucking chicken. I always go with bald fucks, but I do like chest hair.

Starting point is 01:09:16 I like what about this? I always go for Irish. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice. I like so much so when it was chest. I got like rarely go through it. Yeah. Here. You want to feel the pelt? Oh my God. But you have the nipple ring of hair. I get one strand guy. Oh, really? One guy. What about back hair? Do you guys have back hair? I have one patch over here. That's it. That's

Starting point is 01:09:43 it. You keep it. No, I got that. I can't reach it to cut it off. Cut here. That's it. That's it. You keep it. No, I got that that for I can't reach it to cut it off Cut it All right, what's it we got to get a secret out of Steph Oh a secret we're gonna do a patreon you want to do the patreon with this or do you want you got a roll? I might have to roll because I haven't eaten them faint as hell But I can order us food just no, I No, I got to go. I'm meeting Morales for a sit. Are you going to see her puppy? I mean Morales. Hopefully. Irene, I'm meeting with her husband tomorrow. I love them. John is the best. Yes. I met him on tires. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, he works on tires. He's the cost. He's the set guy. Prop guy. Oh, awesome.

Starting point is 01:10:23 Prop guys are so sick. Okay. so you're going to in the movie, I had my an apartment and it was decorated by a prop person. And I was like, dude, everything in here I own. How did you do this? It had this is making me this was there. This is making me physically in the corner going this thing out of a fucking sheath. Before you leave, you have to whisper a secret into her mouth. Like out loud to you guys. Mm hmm. What secret do I have? Let me think. Everyone does it on every episode. You have to whisper a secret into her mouth. Like out loud to you guys. What secret do I have? Let me think.

Starting point is 01:10:47 Everyone does it on every episode. You have to do it. I know. That's right. I'm sorry, Cody. Is something in here? Secrets. What's EY stand for? In high school, I'm such a fucking loser.

Starting point is 01:11:02 Can I say one funny thing? I did it. There used to be a hammer. There I'm such a fucking loser. Can I say one funny thing? I did it. Why start now? Give me a hammer. There used to be a strip show. Not allowed. There used to be a strip show in a strip comedy in Toronto. And you get a sound and don't fart. Every time every time you did something unfunny, you think of the layer of clothing off. So I thought it'd be funny.

Starting point is 01:11:23 I took I took a pocket pussy like this out of the sheath. I kind of hold my underwear and I stuffed it in there. So it was sitting, you know, sitting straight up like that. Yeah. Yeah. So my first joke, I took my skirt off. I went, oh, that didn't work. And I thought it'd be so funny. Yeah. A guy in the front row was like, no. Oh, God. Thought it was my real pussy.

Starting point is 01:11:41 Just like this disgusting, huge, not my skin color, facing out. It made no sense. Can you imagine this guy's never seen pussy in his life? He was so upset. I think he left the room. He couldn't handle it. Why would it be facing grayed out?

Starting point is 01:11:56 So light up. But also what is it about you that allows people to just openly be like- People are so repulsed by me. They're so disgusted by me. They're like, no! Anybody else, they'd be like, oh my God, I can't look at that. But with you, they just feel comfortable being like, get it out of here. Kill it.

Starting point is 01:12:12 It's against God. A harpoon comes out. What is a secret? I'm really having a hard time thinking about a secret. Every guest does it. You have to whisper a secret. I know. I'm going to.

Starting point is 01:12:23 We're lying. Every guest does it. They don't? No one's going to lying. I forget. They don't know what's ever done. You're a fucking asshole. God, stop. You you you when you do it, it's gross. When we do it, it's funny. You. Do I have a secret? I am such an open book. It's insane.

Starting point is 01:12:44 I'm like, I wish I like, ew, ew. I love that you're an open book. It's so nice. So are you. Yeah, totally. I know, that's why it's so nice. I don't think I can read. This is so disgusting.

Starting point is 01:12:55 There's so much blood pouring out of my vagina right now. Hey, go fix your blood. I'm feeling also allergic to the cat. I'm getting like, I am, I'm getting, that thing. This is so fucking gross. All right. Man on the street. Show the camera.

Starting point is 01:13:11 You should do that. Go out and be like, so how do you guys meet? That was your body care. What is your new what is your new apartment look like? What do you pay for rent? I think thing was less argument. You got in with your mother? Oh, it's really crazy. It is visceral. It is bad.

Starting point is 01:13:29 It is a woman pushing out a microphone. It does. Oh, God. Why don't you like fart noises? Oh, she's an angel. She's an angel. Tell everyone what you want them to get eyes on. Just follow me on Instagram at Steph Tolev or listen to my podcast, You know, I'm gonna help you with your outfit because I'm you know, I'm not you know, I'm not we're talking to him Walter Goggins And how about you Jordan?

Starting point is 01:14:05 And I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm. And I'm going to help you with your outfit because I'm you know, I'm not wearing that. You know, I'm not. We're talking to him. Walter Goggins. And how about you, Jordan? And my name, I'm being named Mane. Pedro. Go ahead. Hand me my phone and her. We have to do plugs. We have to do actual date plugs. I found out. You guys don't plug your dates. Yeah, we do. I do.

Starting point is 01:14:23 She does it. And now I've been telling her to. And all of a sudden she goes, oh, someone else said it. So we have to do it. Is this the right time to do it? Yes, do it. But I don't have them written down. Oh, my God. Here. LOL in San Antonio

Starting point is 01:14:40 and then side splitters in Florida and helium in Portland. You're going to sell that out in a second. Yeah. And then Royal Oaks. I don't know where that is. No day. Michigan here, D.C. Oh, it's at all.

Starting point is 01:14:57 And ComedyWorks Denver. Well, you're going to sell those out. Right. Hi, everybody. This weekend, I will be in Rochester, New York. Next weekend, May 16th, the 70s, Philadelphia punchline. None of them in Charleston, South Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, North Carolina, Wilmington, North Carolina, Tacoma, Spokane, Oklahoma City, Addison, Texas, Indianapolis, Chicago, Providence, New Brunswick, Omaha, Tulsa, Houston, Texas, Edmonton, New Orleans, Washington, D.C., Minneapolis, Vancouver, San Diego, and just

Starting point is 01:15:32 added Ottawa, Ian finance.com for all my tickets and a patreon.com slash B and E and pod. We love Bye.

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Pig Court W/ Steph Tolev | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep145

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