Bein' Ian With Jordan - Reading Me To Filth W/ Ms. Pat | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep146

Episode Date: May 14, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Ms. Pat: https://www.instagram.com/comediennemspat/ Creator and Star of The Ms. Pat Show on BET / Ms. Pat Settles It on BET!  Get tickets to see #TheMsPatShow live! : https://on-camera-audiences.com/shows/The_Ms_Pat_ShowAtlanta_ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

Let me. Hey, everybody comes. God, go. Tampa, Florida, Portland, Oregon, Washington, D.C., Denver, Colorado, Dallas, Texas, Austin, Texas, the Madison, Wisconsin, Spokane, Raya, Rochester, New York. I know about that.

OK, Houston. And you could get them at punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen. Spokane, Ray, Rochester, New York. I didn't know about that. Okay. Houston. And you could get them at punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. You can get my dates at Ian fight dance.com this week. I'm in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I, and then I will be in Charleston, South Carolina on May 22nd, Atlanta, Georgia, the 23rd to the 25th, Charlotte, North Carolina, Wilmington, North Carolina, Tacoma, Spokane, Oklahoma city, Addison, Dallas, Texas, Indianapolis, Chicago. I'm going all over. Come and see us on the

road. It's a great time. Patreon.com slash put that away. Patreon.com slash be an EMPOD and enjoy the show. Be my friend. Now you know he likes it in the butt, it's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan! Being Ian with Jordan. You're not getting on the subway. Have you ever ridden the subway? Yeah, I've ridden this everywhere.

I don't have to ride it no more. I don't want that shit. People jumping all over your head, flipping and shit. I can't do that. Yeah. I've pretty much stopped taking the subway unless it's faster. But like home from spots at the cellar, I will always take a car. Yeah, like 3 a.m. It doesn't make sense to take the subway unless it's faster. But like home from spots at the cellar, I will always take a car. Yeah, like 3 a.m. it doesn't make sense to take a subway. Even like 9 p.m. I'm just not,

I'll spend the $30 that I just made on spot bait because of Beho. I just, not in New York, I mean, I would never run a car because I could never drive. I would literally have about 20,000 wrecks before I get the car back to the rental place. I've never seen people where they just walk out and don't give a fuck about their life.

Everybody ain't like they got an ass in a bag around here. And I've seen like an ass in a bag. So if you knock that ass off of them, they can take another ass out the bag and put it back on them. I'm like, they must got asses in the bags, man. I don't know what that meant. Cause you went right.

Right. I understood. I understood. I was like, what are you talking about? I was like, maybe she asses in the bags, bro. How would that make? Cause you went right, right. I understood, I understood. I was like what are you talking about? I was like maybe she meant head in a bag. No, ass in a bag. Cause they just walk out in front of, I mean even people with no asses walk out in front of the car. And I'm like you have nothing to knock off of you.

So you probably gonna die. I've seen, I was here earlier this year and this person probably was some Probably mentally ill just got out and started punching the police call and the police in watch it I was like what the and he was black so, you know, they they used to this shit up here Uh-huh. I was like what kind of this is too much for me. I can I cannot do New York. Yeah It's hard. You don't want to you don't want to see our rich tapestry woven. I don't even know what do New York. Yeah, it's hard. I don't know. You don't wanna, you don't wanna see our rich tapestry woven throughout.

I don't even know what tapestry woven means, sir. I don't wanna see none of this shit. I don't know where to go. I almost walked in front of a car the other day and this old guy behind me goes, these kids aren't even looking at it, which was nice to be called a kid. He's like, they just look at their phones all the time

and I turn and he goes, yeah, I'm talking to you. And I was like, you're right, man. I was like, I was just looking at my phone and I almost died. And he was like, yeah, we'll cut it out. And I was like, you're right, man. I was like, I was just looking at my phone and I almost died. And he was like, yeah, we'll cut it out. And I was like, I will, thank you. And you could see that he was so taken back by me being like, thank you for your kind wisdom.

Yeah. I don't think anybody pay attention. They just walk. And that's another thing I hate about New York. You gotta, you know, you ask somebody for direction. Oh yeah, 15 blocks. Bitch, do I look like I got the heart for 15 blocks? Why don't you just say, get in the Uber or catch a cab?

I can't walk no 15. I came here when I was early in my career. And you know how you wanna make it and you wanna come to New York and you know, showcase hope you be found. And nobody told me it was a lot of walking. And I had a small hole in my leggings. And by the time I walked

all those blocks the hole got bigger and by the time I got back to my fucking hotel room I felt like I had been raped. My thighs were so raw. It's the worst. I put Vaseline and I put baby powder in between my legs so the more I move just white dust flying out of my pussy the whole weekend. So I was like I can't I don't walk in New York. It's not, I don't, when I see fat people walking, I be like, there's so much pain. I forgot about wearing skirts. I don't wear skirts anywhere, but I forgot about the chafing on the thighs, the brutal raw, and it would become like bumpy. Yes. It's like, it's like having hot fries

between your legs. And it's very funny. It is. It's like raw meat. I mean, I'm way bigger than her, so you can imagine. I used to be huge. And I got extra lumps. But your legs are skinny. Yeah, I've lost a few pounds, but some of my legs touch like a motherfucker.

They like, you ever been to church where you had to hold hands? My thighs hold hands. And they sing hymns when you're walking. Every time I walk out, out. And then, oh, bitch, sit down. We on fire. So you drive in Atlanta or somebody drives around? No, I drive my own fucking car. I hate people to drive me unless I'm here, but I hate to be driven around

because I like to get out in shop and I like to get out and look at Stuff and so if you're driving me, I don't get that luxury just say hey go to this TJ Maxx go to this Ross You know, let's stop by the good way. I don't get that. So I just go by I just drive myself when I'm in places So I drive in LA You like popping out and going to thrift stores not really thrift stores Do you like popping out and going to thrift stores? Not really thrift stores. Like Goodwill? No.

Do you still shop at Goodwill? No, I don't. So why'd you mention Goodwill? Back in the day, it was for furniture. I'm more DIY type person, so I love to go in and get old shit and redo it. Oh, cool. And I like to go in there sometimes just to look. You just never know what you'll find.

But I don't really buy. I never really bought clothes. It was always furniture because I like DIY. Right. Best thrift shopping is Tacoma, Washington, because it's all these mountain people and they just get rid of North faces for days. Best thrift shopping. Atlanta clothing thrift shop.

Axe in Dogwood in Dag's Head, Delaware at the beach. They gave you a trash bag and article, a trash bag for a dollar. No trash bags. And articles to close for 50 cents. You just put them in your bag and I get all my school clothes for the year. That's nice.

You talking about when you was a kid? Last year. Last year. What? No. What kind of fucking school you in? What are you in? A child traffical?

I'm kidding. Are you too old for that bullshit? What What are you in? A child trafficker? I'm kidding. Are you too old for that bullshit? What school are you raised up under? You better be special needs. We did R.H. Pierce thing. Anywhere in the fuck you better be the grown ass man to my U.S. school. He just likes to wander around them

and see what the kids are up to. Yeah, I like to be up on the new words. Yeah, he look like the person that you meet in CVS and have to chase. This is my home lady. I know, I'm just telling you. Since you invited me here, you want me to be honest, don't you? I'm just saying, if you was buying school clothes now, I'm not saying that you dad. Oh, by the way, let's introduce our guests. Welcome back to a brand new episode of B&E with Jordan. You do and then I'll go. Welcome back to a brand new episode of B&E with Jordan. Baruch Hashem, yum yum, inshallah. God bless. Welcome everybody. We are so excited to have her.

Y'all Pakistani? Welcome everybody. We are so excited to have our esteemed guest. Y'all Pakistani? Miss. Fuckin' she blowin' a horn and you talkin' in tongues. What the fuck is goin' on, man? This little ugly ass chihuahua lookin' at me. You got cat piss all over the house. What the fuck is goin' on, man? Welcome to our house of horrors, Miss Bally. She's not a chihuahua. She only has 11% chihuahua come shit me

She can say Taco Bell Is that your dog that's a fucking chihuahua Yeah, what do you think of that? Put it in your mouth. She kisses the inside of her mouth. Please don't do that. Isn't that fucked up? Isn't that fucked up? That dog just licked his dick.

That's what I'm saying. No, she doesn't have a dick. Her pussy. So now you gay. Yeah, she's gay. Speaking of gay, can I bring something up? I saw the funniest thing. I had to leave the venue.

I was laughing so hard. I saw you at the Pittsburgh improv years ago and you were on stage and you're doing this bit about how your daughter's gay, right? It's fuck. Yes. And you were like, I should have, I should eat more wings with hot sauce. And then my daughter wouldn't have been gay. And I had to leave because I was, I had never heard that hot sauce makes people not get well, I think I burnt it. I burnt the dick out of them. I was cackling because some and a white woman was in the front row and you were like,

you ain't never heard of it. If you don't eat much hot sauce, you got a gay kid. You ain't never heard if you don't eat much hot sauce, you got a gay kid. And she was like, Lady, what are you talking about? Is your kid like really she's like lesbian like? Yeah, she's never had no dick. Wow. She's a soft lesbian. She's not the stud chick. We look just alike. So I told us if you go eat pussy with my face, can you at least do it with a wig?

Yeah. So she she's not like the stud chick. OK, that's I didn the stud chick. Thank God. I didn't want my daughter to be a nigga bitch. So I feel the same way. That's what I don't want. And so I was praying that, you know, she, she be the soft one. She is. She's the bottom.

Yeah. I don't know what, ma'am, I've never been in a lesbian bedroom. I don't know if she ride the dead dog. You've never tried? No, what the fuck you have? You've never dabbled? I've been, I've been getting real dicks since elementary school. I don't want that.

I don't want no dicks with no pattern. Some of it was and some of it wasn't. Do you have a partner, husband? Yeah, 32 years. Wow. That is so cool. Yeah. 32 years you guys get along?

How'd you guys stay with each other for 32 years? Yeah, tell us. Please. I need answers. Y'all dating? No. No. But we can't find people to stay.

Love. To save my life. Start with the tattoos. You look like you kill white women. What? You look like you eat them. Shut up, Ms. Pat. What are you talking about? These are nice.

They are, but if I saw you, I would think that you was a killer. But he has to distract from this. But you do. I mean, think about this. You ever look at Snap or either those shows about white men, those serial killers, you give me that vibe No, cuz you're just looking at the mustache. No, I'm not what? Without the stuff you the type of person that be in the bar, you know, and don't take this away

We know that can't really get laid so you're gonna put something out drink and drag us off and then you gonna eat us Yeah, see that's where you're wrong. I think Ethan looks more like an eater, a producer. Both of them. Yeah. See, that's where you're wrong. Cause I do get laid and I just can't find love. Oh, okay.

Yeah. You not gonna eat us. You looking pretty delicious. With that mustache, it will shave a clique down. Ah, ew. Put the rape glasses on. These? Yeah. What the fuck are you going to put?

Do we try on glasses now? Look at this, Dahmer shit. My name's Jeffrey. Oh my God. I could be Jeffrey Dahmer, you could be the neighbor that I was feeling same. She didn't eat shit at his house. She didn't eat nothing at his house. Somebody just told me that to eat off of the food.

I wanna go watch it, but I'm scared. I don't like scary shit. Like, have y'all seen Sinners? Yeah. Not yet. Did you like it? It was so funny. Did you understand it?

Yes, I understood it, but I wanted more from the vampires. It was a little too on the nose at the end when the white guy was like, I'm gonna take your story and I'm gonna take your music. It was like, we get it. Okay. We. I need to see it. No, you should have said true. That was happening. That's yes. I know, but it's so on the nose.

Yes. It was, it was, it was really good. But if my, my assistant kind of talked me into going, which I was going to go anyway, but had she told me it was vampires in it, I wouldn't have went. Really? You don't like vampire movies? I don't, I don't like scary movies. And it scared the shit out have went. Really? You don't like vampire movies? I don't like scary movies. And it scared the shit out of me. Really? I thought it was so tame. I would like to see you afraid. I bet it's very funny. I was screaming in the movie theater. You know when black people get excited. She's about to get his ass beat. Yeah she just pulls out a gun. I'm a convicted felon. I can't have a gun, but I'm going to beat his ass.

Yeah, she's a convicted felon. You know that? What? What'd you get convicted of? Drugs. Selling crack. Yeah. Selling crack.

Yeah. That's the way you say it with your beautiful nails and makeup. Selling crack. Yeah. I sold a lot of crack cocaine. Wow. How long were you there? Jail?

A little over a year. About a year. No! In prison? Yeah. A little over a year, about a year. No! In prison? Yeah. What, with a jumpsuit? Did you have a prison name? They give you two pieces too.

Everything don't have to be a jumpsuit. They give you two pieces. Did you have a prison name? Were you like in charge of the women? Did they all respect you? I was very young. I was like 18, 19. A year is a long time.

But when you're in prison playing cards, it go by kind of fast. If you don't think about it, if you make your day productive and you know, I was on the phone most of the time. You heard it here folks, Miss Pat thinks prisons have it too easy. Anyways, you have a TV show. I ain't never said that shit. He is jumping to conclusions. I told you he's a killer. How do you he's a killer. How do you use the phone? Back in those days, you can call collect. So you just like could use it.

And it would be like they had the pay phone in the cell. Chester County Office of Corrections has a call from. Oh, yeah. And it would tell you how long could you use the phone before somebody got mad? Well, back in those days, you would go from like you could talk 15 minutes and then you had to charge again. No, back in those days you could talk as long as you wanted to, but now it goes by so many minutes. It's like an old cell phone. Were you married at the time? Did your husband put money on your books? No, my baby daddy put money on my books. Okay. And then I got out and I

was like I'm never gonna do this shit again. Yeah, I was seeing you learn from just being in there. I went back to selling crack. I just tried to get smarter. You know, you don't stop what you know right away. Yeah. You know, nobody get off drugs the same day. I wasn't on drugs, but nobody stop bad habits, cold turkey, what some people do, but I didn't.

And when did you start comedy? When I got married, I was about 28. Okay. Oh, wow. And you were over, there was no more crack? No, there was no more. I met my husband, I started to get my life back together. I voted for Bill Clinton, and Bill Clinton started the Well Federal Work Program, and

I went through that program program and the caseworker said I was funny and I just stuck with it. She really encouraged me to get on stage and I figured since I'm a convicted felon and I'm tired of everybody judging me by my background, this is something that don't ask you to check no background. No, you can look like that and do it. Yeah. Yeah.

You got nice teeth, but oh, that's how you get closer. He just got new teeth. That's how you get new teeth. That's how you get. These are new. Oh, they are. Uh huh. You like them? Yeah, you don't want to know what they really look like under there. They're tiny little nubs that they covered up. Oh, yeah. Because I had a root canal and then this was a fake one from. Did you go out of the country and get them?

No, I just went to Midtown, Manhattan. They're still a little big for your mouth, huh? I think you need the bottom teeth to match. The bottom is his. Yeah, the bottom is really fucked up. Show the bottoms. Show the bottoms. No, I don't wanna show the bottoms.

Why are you reading me to filth? No, I'm not. I'm just saying that the reason why she was talking about the top was. All right, you wanna look, look. Him. That's the problem. I know.

That bitch is stacked like candy. That's the problem. I know. Them bitches stacked like handguns. That's the next step. What'd she say? What'd she say? The bitches what? The bitches stacked like handguns. You getting your mouth repaired like your car one din at a time.

It does look like a little tinderbox down there. I didn't even notice it, but since she brought it up. That's the thing. She brings up everything bad immediately. That's not bad. It looks good. I mean, once you get the bottom and they all come out and meet. That's the next step.

Yeah. To have my teeth finally meet. Yeah. Right now. None of them walking backwards and the other one going forward. But it looked good on you. Are your teeth real? Yes, they are.

From birth, yeah? Yeah. Amazing. Did you ever have braces? They're great. Really? Just straight Medicaid. Wow.

Nice. But I'm missing a sphere on the side. I'm going to eventually get them fixed. I don't really need him, but sometimes it's hard to chew nuts in the back. Yeah, you love to chew nuts in the back. If you're gonna chew nuts, it'll be in the back.

You can't get me big ones so I can chew them in the front. You chewing nuts? Oh yeah, he loves nuts. I do. You know he's bisexual? No, I just met the man. Yeah, he's bisexual. He loves men and women equally.

Oh, that's why you ain't got nobody. I like women. You're fucking greedy. He's greedy. That's what I always say, he's greedy. You want everything. Can't a woman have it all? Are you a woman? Close, getting there. How much he cries.

So when you get in a relationship, do you tell people you a woman? No, no, no. It's close. Getting there. How much he cries. So, so, so when you get in a relationship, do you tell people you're bisexual? Yeah, you have to. It's like an STD. You gotta tell them off the rip. You gotta be honest about it. And so what do women say? At first they're okay with it.

Some of them are okay with it. And then some of them get pretty, um, uh, not insecure, but just like wondering, like are you gonna leave me for something that I don't have? Penis. And then. Well you do have a penis, my daughter have a drawer full of them bitches.

Yeah. And they heat up now, so you can't really tell the difference she says. What? They heat up. Why do they heat up? To make it feel real. I don't know, like it's not a.

My penis doesn't heat up. The one in the drawer. Ain't nobody talking about your dick, it do heat up. There's blood running through it, ain't it? It's your dick, doesn't heat up the one in the drawer and am I talking about your dick? You do heat up his blood running through it ain't it is your dick. You got a pasta Peter dick Did you get your dick at the doctor's office You know like a pasta Peter leg a fake leg Oh Posturepedic I thought you said pasta-pita. I don't know what that's saying.

And I was like, is this a new kind of food? Like, would you heat pasta up and go soft? Jesus. Yeah. I didn't know they heat up. That's pretty sick. Well, that's what my gay daughters say they heat up. And if they don't heat up,

you can always put them in a microwave. I don't think so. I think they blow up. No, they don't eat up, you can always put them in a microwave. I don't think so. I think they blow up. No, they don't. Because I used to put my wig in the microwave with curls. They all made out of the same plastic. It's only like 30 seconds. Wow.

Yeah. A wig in the microwave. Yeah, to get curls in your hair really quick. That's awesome. Do you wear a wig all the time? Yes. Wow. How does it look so not like a wig?

Does it take forever every day? Because it's a front lace weave. See, oh, he really is gay. Yeah. Front lace? He just brought out his black bitch. Yes, that's who I am on the inside. You got that bottom to your mouth like it's a piece of...

You are like a stadium without runners. You're track free. The fuck that mean? I don't know. There's no tracks for your hair. I don't see any tracks. What black bitch told you to say that dumb shit? I've gone too far.

See, here's the thing. I get invited to the cookout, but I also get asked to leave. Yeah. I'm like, you track free. I'll hear him over at the black table at the Comedy Cellar, and he'll be going off, and everybody be like, and then all of a sudden I'll just hear him be like, I apologize for that. Yeah. Well, at least you know.

And so when you date men, do the men get mad about the women? Yeah. Well, at least you know. And so when you date men, do the men get mad about the women? No, I've only dated one guy. Oh, so you're newly gay? No, he just has sex with men. It's like his, that's like his- Oh, you only fuck men. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like, you know how the vampires only come out at night? That's kind of like my gay side. Oh, yeah. Only comes out at night. So you go out and bite dicks at night? That's when I want to suck. Pal, you ain't booking no more motherfucking boncash for me. This is the spookiest crazy. There is room on the couch. Can I sit there? I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk.

I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk.

I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk.

I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I'm a bonk. I just, me and her have a hard time finding love and it leaves us quickly. Yeah, it leaves us quickly. You gay too? No, that's the problem.

In everything else. If I was gay, it'd be great. Everything would be great. But I'm straight and I'm more masculine than all the men I date. But I don't think I'm gay or I'm, because I've never been attracted to a guy friend of mine and life would be so much easier if like I could just be

attracted to like a regular guy. You've been attracted to Justice. Who the fuck is Justice? Yeah, but then I get to know them and then I go, oh, I'm not really attracted. He wants to fuck Justice. Is Justice gay? No. We both want to fuck Justice. He has two gold front teeth. He black? He's not. But he might as well be. Oh, so so y'all want to do a Baltimore? He's just like a cool guy. He has two gold front teeth. He black? He's not. No. But he might as well be. Oh, so y'all wanna do a bisexual gay, a threesome? No.

No, no, I would only have- In the fantasy world are you living in? We're not saying that. I would never have Ian around while I was having sex. I didn't think you wanted to follow him. No, no, no, no, I don't wanna follow his ex. He's got too much. He's got too many bits in there. Too many acts. Yeah, too many acts. Jesus. I wouldn't

have picked up the gay offer you, but okay. Thank you. Yeah. I picked it up on me. Those tattoos, I told you those tattoos was high to something. Yeah. You don't like them? These are very nice. This is very nice work. Do you have any tattoos? No, I do not, sir. Really? I don't need you to identify me, but nothing but my name.

I don't need no art. I got a couple of bullet wounds and empathic scores, sores and scars, but not no art. That's an empathic. You know when a mosquito bites you down south and your mama don't take you to the doctor. Oh yeah.

Wow. Oh yeah, wow. Oh yes, yes, yes. The poor shit. You bullet holes? Yeah, you know, I got shot. She's like the 50 cent of comedy. She's been shot a bunch. No, the fucker, I ain't no 50 cent of comedy.

He don't got these new teeth, he bold as fuck. Yeah, he is, yeah. He talking much shit. Yeah, took him me to death. Do you buy talking about getting shot? Or are you tired of talking about it? Fuck yeah, I'm tired of talking about it. Really?

You don't gotta tell us about it. Yeah, you don't want it on your part, cause it's such a whole ass story anyway. So now, and now you live in Atlanta, husband. Yeah. You have kids with that husband? Yeah, can you tell us about yourband. Yeah. You have kids with that husband? Yeah.

Can you tell us about your love? Yeah. Love of what? What the fuck are you talking about? Your husband. How do you do that? How do you stay in love? How'd you find it?

Well, I prayed about it and it popped up and my kids needed a daddy. I had two kids already and he was a good man. Didn't have no kids and I had to knock out no bitches over him. Yeah. He was a good man, didn't have no kids, and I had to knock out no bitches over him. And I think that I just, I got tired of the bullshit in my life. My husband was totally not what I would date. My kid's father's very skinny, like Chris Rock. Very skinny black man.

And my husband came in, he thick like ice cube, well he thicker than ice cube. He thicker than ice cube. And he just wasn't my type. Like ice cream. Sandwich. And just as delicious. Yes. But I just, you know, I started to say,

let's not have a type. And then let's just have a conversation. We can get stuck on that. That ain't my type. You might be missing some goal and I'm glad I listened to myself and we started to have conversations and I started to realize how much we had in common. Yeah. How'd you meet him? I went to, I went by his, I rode by his mom. My brother girlfriend went to school with his brother so we all went out one night. He had just got home from the military, Persian Gulf. He had just went to war.

Whoa, desert storm? Desert storm, I call it Persian Gulf. Why do I call it Persian Gulf? Because that's where it was. OK, well that's what he told me. It was Operation Desert Storm. Operation Desert Storm. And so he went there, and he had just got home from there.

And I was like, well, he ain't my type, but my kids need a father. Let me see. Let me get my application. And and I was like, well, he ain't my type, but hey my kids need a father Let me see. Let me give him an application. Yeah, and so I interviewed him and he didn't know it and I was like Yeah, you're good daddy and we've been together ever since and it's been good. Have you has the love like grown out of it? Yes. Yes. Yes, you know when I met him I was selling still trying to sell drugs. I was a chick forger I was into all kind of shit. He's a Christian, just came, his mama was very religious and you know, he just came home from the war. I was definitely not nothing that they thought

he was gonna end up with. And we just, you know, fell in love. Wow. Been together 32 years now. That's awesome. And you live together in a house. Yes. No kids in the house.

Does he go on the road with you? How do you manage a husband and a family when you're on the road? He takes care of everything at the house. He worked at General Motors for 22, 23 years. And so when I first got the Miss Pat Show, when I got picked up for the second season, I said, you retire.

And he was like, I'm not fucking retire. I don't know what's going to happen. I said, retire, I got this. Because the first season of the Miss Pat Show, going into the second season boosts my comedy career so much by me having my own show. That even if the show got canceled, I truly believed that I could live off touring.

The touring. And so I just asked him to retire so I could move back home. So I moved home. I came to Atlanta, taped the show. I said I wasn't coming back. I found us some property, seven acres. I bought a house for a couple hundred thousand dollars, tore it down, it was 3,500 square feet,

and I built a 15,000 square foot house there. Wow. Whoa. And I was like, retire and come home. We both from Atlanta. Yeah. Where what, oh, he was away. He was in Indiana.

That's where we moved to his job. General Motors. Oh, and if you're retired, then you could go back to Atlanta and do stand up and yeah, be around the town. Yeah. Wow. Your merch game on the road is like second to none. What is it?

It's incredible. You have so much merch. I don't know if you still do, but years ago I saw you on the road and you had like, it was just like a colossal amount of, and people were lined up like around the block to buy your stuff. What is it? T-shirts? T-shirts, fans.

Oh, fans? Yeah. You know that song, when I'm fans that is very popular. So but it was crazy because I wasn't even thinking about that song, but I was like, what haven't I sold? And I just ordered the fans and the song popped out, popped off and I can't keep them in stock. So I sell a t-shirt fans, I sell hats, all kinds of shit

from where I have so much merch because I have two TV shows. So I sell it from both TV shows and then I sell it from the tour. That's crazy. That's so cool. Do you have a person selling it for you? Yeah, I have two assistants. tour. That's crazy. That's so cool. Do you have a person selling it for you? Yeah, I have two assistants. Yeah.

That's awesome. And so your court show. Yes. And it's called what? Miss Pat Settles It, which comes on every Wednesday night on BET. And how did you become a judge? I know, right, with a convicted felon.

We shot an episode of a judge show on the Miss Pat show and me and my co-creator, we started talking. It was like, we should pitch a judge show. And I went and pitched it while he was dealing with, he had a play that was on Broadway. He got nine Tony nominations. His name is Jordan Cooper, by the way. And so after he was on Broadway doing his show, I went and pitched the show to BET and said,

this is a show that I wanna do, and what do you guys think? So I teamed up with 495, which is a production company, and we started to create the show. Was it 495 that wanted to Jersey Shore? Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you didn't have to get the judge, you didn't have to actually. She didn't have to go to like, I didn't go to. I got a GED. You didn't have to get anything. No, I'm just, I'm like a black aunt. I'm just here to settle the shit.

I don't know the law. I'm cussing you the fuck out in the courtroom. room. Wow. Is it? And it's a whole set with the courtroom and everything. No, yes. It's really nice. You come in there, you tell me your case and there are some of them are really real cases and the money is real. And I just settled it. You may win or you may not win. Wow. That's fine. Everybody don't need to settle. Between me and you. Yeah, I want to move this studio into Manhattan and make a replica in

Manhattan so we don't have to come to his shitty ass apartment every time we record. And I will say you won. Thank you. What? No, you're a bad judge. Can I, do I have a say? No. What?

Bailiff? No. Bailiff? He dead. He's fucking dead. If I could please the jury, I would like to say in order to move to a bigger studio in Manhattan, it would increase the costs. And right now there's no charge for this studio because it's my apartment and I don't charge

us. If we were to move into Manhattan, that would expedite a lot of costs that we're not making right now. But if it's, but I is such a, the wrong word for that. It judges like it. Do you like it? That word is never it is to me. My counter argument is you got to spend money to make money. And my counter argument is scared money.

Don't make no money. Yeah. Scared money. Don't make no money. Yeah scared money don't make no money. The greasy gets the wheel. The greasy grease gets so greasy. I don't know what the fuck you talking about. Grease something wrong. Let me tell you I would do the studio if someone who was an equal share partner in the podcast plugged the Patreon. I do plug the Patreon. I do episodes more to increase pay. I have no clue what y'all talking about, but okay. Okay, so I'll plug the Patreon every time you plug the Patreon. I'm gonna side with her. I wouldn't want to come here every day either. It's awful. Why? Because you... It's full of cat poop. No, it's once. I didn't clean it up. There's two.

And I'm sorry. Why didn't you clean it up? You knew I was coming. Yeah. Because I. But you wanted me to smell cat shit. I read on your IMDb you like to catch it. You read the wrong. You read a patty, not Pat. Maybe some white bitch named Patty like cat shit. Patricia do not like cat shit. And Patricia do not like cat shit. And according to the way she's arguing, this is not the first fucking time that you're not cleaned up.

Why don't you just hire a housekeeper? He won't hire a housekeeper. I did. I did a month ago. She quit. She said to bring her back anytime, but I just got back from Phoenix fucking yesterday. But you should have had her in here yesterday. You are right.

I fucked up. She should be here every fucking day. Judge! I fucked up! And you're going to make me pay for that for the rest of my life. You can't argue like this. I'm expediting. No.

This is how he argues. He just starts yelling that he's... So what are we going to have to do? Stick dicks on the wall for you to clean the cat litter up? I'll stick dicks on the wall. And then I'll clean. OK. Do I have to boycott?

No. Yeah, you already, white women are marching too much right now. I love marching. That's what I'm saying. They are so busy. I'm trying to fix this shit. They fucked up. I'll put a vagina hat on for no reason.

White women need to stop marching and put their vag this shit. They fucked up. I'll put a vagina hat on for no reason. And put their vaginas away. I'll put, I'll. No, they. Y'all want them to have them pure white babies. So you don't want not you because you fuck anything. But the other white men's out there want them with small penises. I can tell you was a not small. But thank you, judge.

He's sitting in this fucking between his leg. Most means have a dick to the right getting choked out Yeah, yeah, he'll sit in there like a package of meat But you know white boy put socks in a draw so no socks this is great Is a regular penis his balls are absolutely enormous and that's what you're seeing in the pants. His balls are huge. My penis is more than regular. She's a size queen. She loves big queens.

I do love big queens. Did y'all fuck? No. We don't ever fuck. I've just seen pictures. He's forced me. He forced you? No.

You're not going to sue him? No. We're going to miss Pat. He was in fucking fantasy land. Yeah, you ain't going to sue him? He made me look. He just showed me the phone and going, is this bad? White girls would sue his Pat. Fucking fantasy man. You ain't going to sue him? You know you what? White girls with sues in the mail.

Oh my god, this dick cause me trouble. Do you want to see it? No, I do not want to see your fucking dick. Man, I take the cat piss, but I ain't fit to take no fucking light-skinned uncooked dick in my face. It's very aesthetically pleasing. I told who?

He chokes it. He chokes it to make all the blood go to it. A porn star told me I have an aesthetically pleasing penis. That's her way of saying, don't cry, it's not big, but it's fine. You was buying pussy. She's supposed to tell you that. I didn't buy no pussy. This time around, I didn't buy it.

I bought it before, but I put the checkbook away and said, no, this pussy's for free. Ain't nobody taking no checks for no pussy. They take cash out. You used to forge checks? How do I do that? I mean, how does somebody do that? Yeah. How do you get into the check forging business?

It was very easy back then. I don't think it's easy now. Everything was so much easier back in the day. Do you think we're living in better times now or way back when? Like desert storm time frame. Sir, I'm blank. The times has never been better. What the fuck are you talking about? Why do you all complain about it all the time then? To let you know shit is fucked up. And why y'all not listening, nigga? I've been listening too much.

You don't listen, never did you know. Yes I do. You hear, but you ain't listening. Fair. Yes. He does sit his white ass down and listen a little bit too much. Yes.

But then I stand my white ass up and chirp up. In black voice. In black voice. Yeah. So they can understand me better. Okay. What you talking about? Yeah he does that a lot. That's his form of listening. I think that's when he wants to be with a black man. I know I think that's the only guy I dated was a black man. Is it? And I mostly date women of other races. That's not true. Yes. He dates white women with huge tits. It didn't look like that. And women

don't get turned off by you being bisexual? Some of them. Oh I'm saying not all of them. Do you take it or you give it? I give it. I don't take it. I'm not fucking gay. You took it from Emma. I took it from a trans woman. Huh? A woman with a penis. You took it in his butt. I took it. And he threw his ass back, she said.

I hurt her. You hurt her? What the fuck are we talking about? She tore her groin. Because you were tossing your ass back? God, how do you sleep at night? I barely sleep. You broke a trans dick. Is that even possible? Very, and it is. She tore her groin because you were getting too into it? Brutal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. But that's the only time I've ever taken it. Brutal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. But that's the only time I've ever taken it is from a what's that woman? Do you think of that judge? Not according to your president, but we're going to keep it moving. He's not my president. I may be white, but I don't think he's right. That's that gay coming out of him. Look at that little finger.

Look at that little finger. It's like Harry Potter's wall. No, it's like a gay man finger. Don't put that shit on Harry Potter. Don't you ruin these kids. Hope and dreams. Jesus. Sea of Two shows.

Yeah, Miss Pat Seltzer's it comes on every Wednesday night and I have the Miss Pat Show Season 5. We got nominated for Emmy three times. Holy shit. Incredible. It's dropping this fall. Amazing that season two is coming up. OK, season two of the Judd show.

Yeah. It's the other half of season two. The first half already dropped. They drop in the other half and we just got picked up for season three. So are you going to go to syndication like is is the Miss Pat show going to start playing like nonstop? I hope so. So many seasons. I hope so. Since you're curing so many seasons? I hope so. That's awesome.

That's so cool. How long does it take you to film the show? Two and a half months for Miss Pat Show. For the court show, about two and a half weeks. Do you need like a wacky white neighbor on the Miss Pat Show? I already got one. What if he dies and then a new guy moves to town? As soon as I need a bisexual, I call you.

Yes. Is the judge one that that one's easier to film? Yes. Super easy. You can knock those out. How many do you shoot in a day? Eight, eight episodes. Holy shit.

Eight? Yes. Wow. Wow. And then the other one takes you. You have to like two and a half months because it's written. It's written. It's scripted.

It's makeup artists. Yes. The director, the cut. Well, you have to rehearse it for three or four days and then we shoot it on Friday. Oh, you guys rehearse it all together. Is it like a live audience show? Yes, it is. Yeah, it's like a classic sitcom.

It's really funny. Wow. I have a question. So a lot of your comedy is based on your life and stories. Did you ever feel that at some point you were going to run out of stories or like you had to continue to make stories in order to have material and things to say? I don't think I run out of story because I'm married and I'm a mom and I live every day. So every day something happened.

You know, just yesterday I was, I have custody of my niece for kids and we had to go to court. And what happened in court was my nephew ended up fighting some boy in the bathroom and I had this whole thing about, you know, going in front of this white judge and he wanted to put him on probation. But there's two kids that fucking fighting. I'm like, sir, I'm 53 years old. I saw cocaine and crack. Why are we here? Why are we here with some fucking kids fighting? You know they friends now. And I just told them I said y'all are not going to put my kids on probation and then it just a light

bulb went off and I was like let me call my executive producer co-creator this could be an episode. Wow. Right, oh wow. They wanted to put your kid on probation? Yes, for a fight with his friend. Where were they fighting? In the bathroom, like any kid. I thought we were talking about the bathroom. Oh.

No, they in high school, they in the 10th grade. Oh. Probation, I used to fight girls all the time. For this only condom. And I was like, you will not do that. So I said, no, you're not gonna start a paper trail with my child Did you that's Christ to fight in bathrooms all the time? Thank you That's did you let them know that you are a judge as well. No

I should have Yeah, they let it slide were they like, okay, right? No, I have to talk to the prosecutor cuz I was like look at me ma'am These are kids what you want your child to have a paper trail? I just told him right there the two white people I said you're not gonna do this to my black kids. How old are the kids? 16. Doesn't it get kicked up to child court and then it gets expunged at 18? I don't give a fuck don't get it don't let it get it started don't do not let them give your child no fucking paper trail when it's not necessary he didn't steal nothing he didn't murder nobody he he didn't steal no car. They literally had a fight in the bathroom and they're friends again.

Every time I fought someone, we become friends afterwards and it's like a handshake and then you just move on and things are fine. Exactly. So you know, you don't, I have to protect my black son and it's different if y'all had kids. Let's be honest, we want the world to be equal, but some of us feel that way and some of us don't. So I have to go extra protection when it come down to my kids. And it was him and his friends. Yeah, fighting.

And they wanna put him on probation for disloyalty conduct. And I was like, no the fuck you were not. Press charges the school or the kid? Yes, no the- But it's not the school's school? Yes! No, the, the, the, the. But it's not the school's job. Well, they got suspended, both of them. So I said it should have been done right there. No, they kicked it up the court.

Why? Cause they black, stop being crazy. Cause they fucking black. I mean, I fought a lot. Yeah. Never gotten in trouble like that. So one girl got her head bashed into a toilet. I just don't see color.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how when you say you only suck black dicks. You don't see color, huh? Shit me. He listens to it. He goes, yes, you're black. I hear you. I hear you.

I hear you. I see you. Yeah. I taste you. That's crazy. All of you. Have you been in court a bunch? No, I don't go to court anymore.

I mean, I don't have those problems at my house. Yeah, I feel like I've been to court too many times. It's weird to have not gone to court in a long time. I mostly went to court lately for suing people. Really? Over what? I was the general contractor of my house and people think that because you a woman,

you don't know construction or you don't know what the fuck you're doing. She was a carpenter. Yeah, so I don't fuck around. And I say, okay, you play with me and I sue your ass. As in like plumbers, electricians, people try to fuck you over. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, they tried. I had my concrete guy, I sued him and I sued my air conditioning guy. And I literally- Do you know about air conditions? No, he well he I have eight units on my house and he took all of them because I wanted to fire him. What do you want to scrap it? No, he wanted to keep it and say unless he finished the job and I give him a certain

amount of money that he wasn't going to do it. I said well I'm going to sue your ass and I did. Because you paid for the units. And where I live Because you paid for the units. And where I live at, you don't just sue people. What they do is they issue something called a warrant. If you go and say this person did you wrong, you have to come to court and let the judge decide if you got a case.

And that judge looked him in his face and said, get this lady her air condition back, and seven days or else I'm gonna lock your ass up. And he gave me all seven of my air, seven or eight air conditions back. My AC unit blew over the weekend. It smoked and it popped and it's broken. Can you get my landlord to get me a new AC?

You can do that. They won't return my emails. They won't? Well, how about I try calling them? How about we march over there with Miss Pat right now? Yeah. I'm not gonna do it because I'm gonna fuck out. You should have a rent a rent Miss Pat business where we can.

Oh my God. Come over and help us. If you stand in front of the door, I'll cuss him the fuck out behind you. Could you imagine you find out your boyfriend's cheating on you, you bring Miss Pat in. Oh my God. And then you just cuss him out. And then the little white girl says they're going, yeah, yeah, what she said. Yeah. That'd be sick. Rent Miss Pat.

$5,000 a curse out. The next time a girl I'm dating makes me take an AIDS test before we have sex, I will call Miss Pat and you'll cuss her out. I'm going to cuss you the fuck out. Because you do need an AIDS test. You are here sucking and fucking everything. I'm not DL in Atlanta. I get tested all the time. Because you do need an AIDS test. You are here sucking and fucking everything. I'm not DL in Atlanta.

I get tested all the time. Yeah. Well, why are you out here fucking raw? I don't. I don't. I always wrap it up. Put your finger down. So is your penis that little that it slip out the condom? You said I had a hog earlier. Well, she told me it was nuts.

She's. What are you going back to? Well, she told me it was nuts. She's... What are we saying? How do you get AIDS? No, you get tested to be safe no matter what. Even though I'm safe, I still get tested to be safe. Yeah. Safe on top of safe. OK. Can't be too safe. You know?

Every time he gets tested for AIDS, he makes a big celebration. I don't have AIDS I think that's why you do it Well, why if you if you if you're not fucking wrong, why are you testing yourself so much? Because you're fucking wrong someone that has fucking wrong different partners I feel like it's just you could you could still get things even if you're gonna fucking dig out for a day the You could still get things even if you're a condom. Oh, cause you suck in decal for that. Say the condom breaks something.

Ain't nothing breaking the child. You think I don't break condoms? No, you're talking to a magnum man. No, you're not a magnum man. I have used magnums when nothing else was available. Yeah, we've all used magnums when they're there, yeah. It's on my magnum to beer. Yeah, yeah.

He's wrapped it in a little label. I'm sober. I haven't had a drug or drink in 10 years. You don't believe me. Are you sober, Ms. Pat? I've never been an alcoholic. I never did drugs. Oh, wow. You never did drugs in your zone. Oh, that's why you were able to do it. Biggie's 10 crack commandments. Never get high on your own supply. Oh, that's everybody 10 crack commandment, sir. You rapper said that. You never tried it? No. Wow.

Really? You never had anything in you to try anything? Other than Chick-fil-A? No. It's a good enough drug, to be honest. Yeah, that's a very expensive drug. Yeah. But at least they do you the favor of closing on Sundays.

Yeah. They fake Christians, too. Are they fake? Yeah. I like pulling up in a drive-thru saying, well this is what the fuck I want. I like pulling in a drive-thru cursing. Because I mean they're really not wholly denied because there's so many gay people working at Chick-fil-A. So if you were really godly, why are you letting these gay people work there? And I love it because they smack their lips and baby they be swinging their hair. And I know them Christian fake ass white people

be pulling through the Chick-fil-A line. It eats them up for their child to see a trans or gay person. Oh my God, they're gonna fuck my baby. Not before your husband do. Yeah, yeah. And then they, they're gonna they're gonna fuck my baby. Not before your husband do. Yeah. Yeah. And then they get the sandwich and they're like, these tranny's gave me this. Never mind. I love delicious. I think that's a way to get rid of bigotries just through the food,

make it so delicious that you have no choice but to like who it's good. I walked into a place the other day in Minneapolis. Woman had full belly button out behind the bar, behind the coffee bar, belly button like open. You know what I mean? Like big. No, just her belly out like a belly shirt. And I was like, oh, and she like, you know,

she was all hairy, she had the unibrow. There was a sign that said, please use gender neutral terms. And I was like, fuck this place. This is so stupid and woke. And then she was like, does your dog want a treat? And I was like, yes this place. This is so stupid and woke. And then she was like, does your does your dog want a treat? And I was like, yes, they do. Thank you so much.

And she immediately won me over by, you know, like people use terms. No, I don't like when there's a sign that says you have to use terms. You must have seen this. I know I hadn't either. But it was a big sign that was like, please use gender, gender neutral terms. Well, how do I know to call you him them they are? I don't I guess you're supposed to just say they name test him them day. No, but the belly button sometimes had some sometimes it says like my name is it says River and then like underneath it says like they them she her.

This was just like you were expected to walk in. But do you call people do you call them River or them they them her? I call people either by their first name or I just call everyone they them. Like oh when talking about you and Pam coming over I was like oh yeah they're coming over in like 20 minutes. So it just makes it easier if you use they them because it's a plural pronoun. Well we've been using that for years. Exactly.

It's simple. It's easy. But for one person it's kind of hard. I do it anyway. Why? So people want to be referred to But for one person, it's kind of hard. I'd do it anyway. It's simple. So people want to be referred to as him, they, they're, she, him? Yeah, but even if someone wants to be referred to as she, him, or she, her, him, I just still say they. Nobody wants to be, they want you to say, come on, she, her. No, they want you to say, um, how would, how would they say it?

Oh, she's coming over later. Okay, like if the coffee lady had made me a latte and then the guy stepped up and said, have you been helped? They want me to go, yes, they already helped me. They don't want me to go, yeah, that woman already helped me or she already helped me. You can't do that in that coffee shop.

You have to go, they already helped me. Yeah, but I think that's so simple. But it's only one person. They mean more than one person. So are you mother double? Me twins? Huh? This is why we need to write Ms. Paz. So we go into the coffee shop and I go, they already did it.

She goes, what are you, double? I would have been like, what's your fucking name? I'm gonna call you by your fucking name. I don't care nothing about how you want to be. What are you after you leave this motherfucker? You can be Dragon Hunt. Just what is your name? Dragon. Yeah. It's getting crazy out there.

It is. Thank God I'm just a pet. And make sure you all tune into my show. Yes. Tell the people what. Miss Pat comedy dot com to get your tickets. I am on tour and I'm naming this to a bitch need to laugh. That's good. Bring y'all hands out. We need to laugh and make sure you stop pile all your stuff because these trucks about to stop coming here.

Everybody going to be skinny because the government about to fucking starve us to death. Really? I could just. You don't know what's going on with all the tariffs and everything. The tariffs. Yeah. Oh, it's going to be a nightmare. It's like, Colby, where you been? We're not going to be able to get food.

What about the grocery? Your privilege would not save you after this. Come on. It saves me so many times. You white privilege. Me and Miss Pab, we're going to be in trouble. You're going to be fine. What are you going to eat?

He's going to eat black cock. Hit're you're going to be fine. You can't see it. It's going to be black cock. It's a catch. It looks like Junior men's fight. What do you want to plug, Jordan? Oh, I have new dates being added, going to be in Spokane in August and going to be at Madison Comedy On State in August. Also, two good clubs, two good clubs.

I'm going to be in Spokane at the end of June and Tacoma at the end of June. This weekend I'm in Philadelphia. Next weekend Charleston, South Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia. When does this come out? Where are you going to Atlanta at? Atlanta Helium. Oh, I haven't played it yet. I hear about it. Oh, yeah, I'm excited. It's going to be fun. And then at the end of the month, I'm in Ottawa. The Helium? Yeah. It's hard to sell, but a really great club in Alpharetta. Alpharetta. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited. Go to that. Go to that. Yeah. Ianfiedance.com for all my dates and, um, patreon.com slash B and E and pod. Ian Fiedance, wild, happy and free is the special death chunk, the special for Jordan and punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. Cause they just added a bunch of dates. So go check them out. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Go to miss pat comedy.com and check out her multiple shows. She's one of the funniest humans walk in the planet. I'm such a fan. I'm so happy you're here. I have been a fan of yours from afar

for four years and uh, it's really cool to have you here. So thank you for coming. Thank y'all for having me. Yeah, of course. All right, we'll see you next time. Bye bye.