Bein' Ian With Jordan - Rebel Rousing W/ Kat Moss & Mike Bifolco (Scowl) | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep142

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

As always , Thanks for listening !  Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Scowl : https://www.instagram.com/scowl40831/  Scowl - Are We All Angels : https://scowl.lnk.to/Are-We-All-Angels Follow Kat Moss : https://www.instagram.com/8leggedbaby/ Follow Mike Bifolco : https://www.instagram.com/_brokebrains/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan.

Meow. I'll give you a band-aid and fucking is it disrespectful if I put my shoes on the couch you may put whatever you want fuck yeah yeah you happy now I want a good one give me a good one that's a good one Interesting I thought you boxed I get I defend myself may not I defend myself. No, it's cheating. No, I put you in a hold and I put you in a position You freaking whip you came over you spilled coffee all over the place you didn't clean it up I've got mad that I was cleaning it up Everybody saw you spill it Because you were cleaning it up, and then you straight-up got mad that I was cleaning it up Everybody saw you spill it Because you were cleaning it up

Did you guys see who spilled the coffee I have a lot more money than him You and who cares I can pay them so Go ahead If you were living in a world if you're living in a world not consumed by fear, who spilled the coffee? I said, are you an ally for gays or for women? Choose. Oh, that is quite a... I thought it was Glenn that did it.

Did that really not hurt when I touched you? Because I hurt my hand. No, it didn't hurt. You're not. Anyway, can we just say who spilled the coffee? I didn't. Did you see it happen? I thought the cat did. I don't know if, well, okay, so there was a lot happening. There was like, you guys were like, there was like a tussle. And I can't personally. This is pre-tussle before you were in the bathroom when we tackled each other.

I know the coffee was pre that. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. I have like, the whole thing has been a tussle. We true. Um, am I talking into the microphone right now? Is this like hap- truce? Are we live? Yeah. Yeah. We're recording. Sorry. This is how we start. Uh, hi everybody. Oh, blow the shofar please. There it is. Beautiful. Baruch Hashem, yum yum. Inshallah. God bless to all. Thank you so much. The sound of my people. For tuning in. That was good.

That was very good. Thank you. I think getting hurt helps. Thank you for tuning into another episode of Bein' Ian with Jordan. We are so excited for our guests today. They have a brand new album out called Are We All Angels? And- They got it right. Everybody's fucking it up.

They got it right. They call it We Are All Angels? Yeah. It's Are We All Angels? No, you're right. Yes. All right, good job, bud. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. I appreciate you. Cat and Mike, what the fuck is up? What's up? You guys just did the late show with Stephen Colbert and now you are here. And no bias, just tell the truth.

Who spilled the coffee? You just did the late show with Stephen Colbert? Which show was better? They let you do that? Bro, I don't even know. I know, it's weird. I don't know why. What the heck? I don's weird. I don't know why I I don't know I know I literally I genuinely don't know I don't do SNL. I don't think no

They did tiny desk. Oh turn they did do a tiny desk, but they did something corporate one of Yeah, it was one of one of them. Okay, what one of the late night? They didn't do Knocked ohose did something corporate. Knocked Loose did Jimmy Kimmel. Knocked Loose did Jimmy Kimmel. One of the Jimmy's. They did Jimmy.

I didn't even know he did like that. So he does like one musical guest a week apparently. I was told by our publicist that it's like hard to get on a show, so we're really stoked. Yeah. You should be, what the fuck? Yeah, that's crazy. That's awesome. Yeah, very, whoa.

Who was that that put in the world? How did it feel? It was a crowd in it? I thought they would have serious, they are serious musicians. Yo, we got a standing ovation. We got a standing ovation. The screen told them to stand, lady.

No, no, I swear, I swear. We put on such a good show. They're like, they're in the league. They're all clapped on their own. It was crazy at the same time. I told them to leave. With a gun in my hand. It was awesome.

I thought that they would have like, you know, Zach Brian. I think they, well, actually, I don't know about Colbert. Really? Well, actually, I have no idea. I don't really listen to music. I took him for such a suit. What? I took him for such a suit. Sorry know Colbert. Well, actually I have no idea. I don't really listen to music. I took him for such a suit. What?

I took him for such a suit. Sorry. Colbert? Yeah. Well he wears one, but I don't know. Yeah dude, look at Colbert's history. Fucking Colbert report. And when he was on Daily Show, Strangers of Candy.

How much they pay you? $4. I have no idea. I bet it's $4. We probably had to pay to pay them yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll do you a favor but like you got no hotel right what did they give you a hotel they didn't give us a hotel yeah they don't give comics we had any accommodations and loading all of our gear I was I had to carry my own guitar in. God. That's crazy.

I was told. I had to knock over Ian's coffee today. That's crazy. I was told they would think about having me do Fallon, but I had to jerk off a homeless guy. They just don't care about artists. Well, his name was Fallon and you did him. I did.

I did Fallon. I'd fuck Fallon. You would fuck Fallon? He's so hot, dude. I bet. I remember I used to watch the Idiot Boyfriend music video all the time. You remember that? Wait. You would fuck Fallon? Oh, he's so hot, dude. I bet in the whole goddamn thing. I remember I used to watch the Idiot Boyfriend music video all the time. You remember that song? Wait.

Uh-uh. He did a song on SNL called Idiot Boyfriend and it's forever in my head. He goes, uh, uh, uh, uh. Good. What do they look like? What is the difference? Jimmy Fallon is the hot guy who was on SNL. Jimmy Kimmel is the man show.

Jimmy Kimmel kind of looks Asian. Little Asian. No. Yes. He doesn't look Asian. Kimmel's like this. He looks like an anime guy. He's high all the time.

Wait. Fallon is hot, dude. Fallon, he used to do SNL. He's a really hot guy. He looks a little heroin. He's got this little... That's Kimmel. Okay, but what does the other one look like?

Like this. Yeah. He's more like that. like. That's Kimmel. Okay, but what does the other one look like? Like this. Yeah. He's more like that. Actually, you know what? I can't pull up the picture in my head. You can, you upload it. I'm like, Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah, upload it to your brain.

You can do it. Hold on, let's just, he was in that movie. Whoa guys, yeah, that's crazy. And that's her type. That was good, Ethan. That was so good. He's like, whoa, yeah, that's crazy. That's that's her type So good, he's like, oh, yeah, obviously dude, that's that's how it is Wow, that is good. That's not Jimmy Fallon

For my SNL audition cool, I'm gonna do an impression of Adam Sandler do Adam's Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler. What is Adam Sandler? Shibadee doobie. That would be good information yesterday! That was good. That was good. I used to get called Adam Sandler all the time in 2013 because I had facial paralysis and everyone called me little Nicky. You had bells palsy? My brother Cas, he hit me in the face with a shovel. Stage diving at This Is Hardcore and had facial paralysis for 11 months. I had to medically tape my eye shut every day because I couldn't blink it and I was like this. I had to cover my mouth every time I day because I couldn't blink it. And like, I was like this. I had to eat every, I had to cover my mouth

every time I ate and laughed because it was just insane. And I would go into work crying every day and my boss at the time, Cold Cuts merch, John Bose, fuck you, would go on the intercom and be like, yeah, could little Nicky please come to the front please? And I would just sob and just walk up front. Oh my God.

But it lasted a whole year, eventually went away. I'm happy you're unparalleled. You work for Cold Cuts? I'm OG Cold Cuts. Really? Popeyes chicken is fucking awesome. Good job. Yeah, thank you.

Anyway, that's Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. I don't, I suck. He looks like this. It's Jimmy and Jenny. No, he goes, he goes, our next guest. Come on. John Oliver, you guest that come on John Oliver You know that one John Stewart hottest man alive speaking of late night. I told them Craig Ferguson

Did I tell you this? No remember the late late show with Craig Ferguson Guy yeah, they put him on smiling friends right they like it's like, it's a show, it doesn't matter. But then the other guy, I'm sorry that we're still on this. I'm the same one. Can I be honest? I don't know what we're talking about. No, that's what I'm saying. I started going on a little Nikki loop

and that soundtrack is amazing. Yo, there's like three POD songs. Which one do you wanna fuck? There's three POD songs. Yes, there's three POD songs. The other one. Yo, dude, also there's a video of Adam Sandler, Brandon Boyd, Gino, and they're playing

Be Quiet and Drive Far Away, and Adam Sandler's playing and singing with the other two. So sick. From like MTV. Oh, that happened in a while, like many years ago. With Lil' Nikki. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, that soundtrack's fucking not so good.

It's so good. It's so good. I love it. I'll find you a picture of the paralysis. You're going to be like, please, it's fucked. Please. You'd be like, did Cassius hit you in the face with a shovel? I'd be like, Cassius, Cassius, Cassius? Was it Bell's palsy? No, it just I know.

It was a brain thing. How long did you think it was going to last? Did you think maybe forever? The doctors were like, you'll either, it'll either go away or you'll have it for forever. And I was like, okay, thank you. How much do I owe you? Whoa.

And I just never. How old are you? This was 2013. So I was like 21. Wow. Just a babe. Yeah. How old are you now? I'll be 33 in June.

I love my thirties. How old are you? 27. Really? Yeah. You're just a wee little puppy. I love my thirties. How old are you? 27. Really? You're just a wee little puppy. I don't know what's happening. You're just a wee little puppy. It's like the scariest part of the twenties

where I'm like, I feel like it'd be easier if I was already like hitting the thirties, but I'm just in this like age. That age is really weird. I'm young, but I'm not young, but I'm not quite. Everybody treats you like a retard. Yeah. Dude, once you're 30, it's sick.

Cause you say I'm 30 and people are like, oh, I will listen to what you have to say. I look like this too. I don't know once you're 30, it's sick. Cause you say I'm 30 and people are like, Oh, I will listen to what you have to say. And you're like, I look like this too. I don't know. I can't look like this. I know. Yeah. You've chosen this. I'm, I'm running away from something. Can I ask you something? I'm going to ask you something. I, you look like little orphan Annie. If she went into teenage mutant and turtle ooze. They call me, they call me the L.G.B.

I wanna dress up as Willy Wonka and chase you around all the fucking time. Stop! Wow. You look like the Wendy's girl if she worked at Hot Tops. There you go. That's good. That one's good.

That's really good. Do you ever feel like, do you ever dress like this? Just because I went through a phase myself, I was way younger. Totally diminishing everything about you. Does ever like a cool black guy walk in and you're like I apologize like amazing like it dunks or something and you're like I know you know what I mean I like it because people get really nervous around me because they think I'm

gonna be very offended by everything yeah Yeah. I'm like, hey, like, oh, bangs, green hair. Just chill. Oh, I like that. It's not that crazy. Like, you can skate by. It's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, it's under, I mean-

Just immediately, immediately alpha-dogging everyone to just be like, uh, uh, hey. Yeah. Are you a switcher of hair colors or do you stick it with green? Do you stick to green? I always go back to green. I've done- You can do this joke. It's natural. Oh. Remember that one? Do you stick it with green? Do you stick to green? I always go back to green. I've done this joke. It's natural.

Oh, remember that one? No, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We talked about this eons ago and I never knew this joke, but you grew up. What did the girl with the green hair say when somebody complimented it? Thanks.

It's natural. Oh, that is- Because it's boogers. That's cute. I like that. I like that. I like that. You should do thanks. It's natural. Oh, that is- Because it's boogers. That's cute, I like that. I like that. That's really cute, I used to do that. I like that. I wish I had green hair when I was in eighth grade.

I did not look like you, I was morbidly obese. That's awesome. But, and a bowl cut. Is it? It was brutal. I feel like eighth grade is the time when you, you can get that out of the way. What, being fat?

Yeah. No, it haunts me every day. Why'd you look at me and laugh really loud? Because I know things about you. Come on, laugh, shovel face. Because I know things about you. Did you used to be a big fat fatty? Oh my God, dude. My last name is Bufalco and kids in elementary school

used to call me Mike Big Taco. I'm like, that's not even fucking creative. That is so far as a bit, the idea that they'll just literally choose anything and just be like Mike I don't know big taco Wow, did you get like I got loose skin I had to get surgery to cut my skin. Oh did you have any of that? I was like you bounced right back Solid recovery, what'd you do? You got loose eighth grade? No, I just cut my skin. Oh yeah, same thing.

It's a good joke, it's a good joke. I did it too. Hell yeah. I did it too. Nice. You were a thigh girl, weren't you? Belly? You were?

No, yeah, for sure. For sure thigh. All of the above. Yeah, but there were thigh girls and there were the arm girls. Oh. And the arm girls were, I was an arm girl and I was like, nobody will ever see it,

because I always wear my gloveys. Did you ever wear those like big rubber, like hot topic wristbands? Yeah, sex bracelets. Yeah. Yeah. So thighs and arms. Thighs, arms, calves.

It was, if you had red, you were fucked. If you had black. Black was fucked. Yeah, if you had, I remember the black one. I didn't know any of that. And you wrap them around your ring finger, remember, and wear it. That was cool. My mom just told me that if you wear a ring on your thumb you like anal

My thumb is made of ring That's the ring. That's the ring. There's just a little man sitting there who's like, he does love anal. He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he. My mom can tell. I wish we had an animator for that. Like, Andy, do you have a thumb ring? Just a little. Whoa.

Oh boy. That's iconic. Tell me about last night. I want to hear about last night. Was it magic or was it corporate? It was really cool. No, it was, it was corporate magic. Corporate magic.

Corporate magic. Corporate magic. Corporate magic. Corporate magic. Corporate magic. Corporate magic. Corporate magic hear about last night. Was it magic or was it corporate? No, it was corporate magic. Corporate magic. Well, because like-

My favorite part of office entertainment. Yeah, it was, I mean, it's weird because like- Milchick. Milchick? Milchick from Severance. That's corporate. I need to watch that. I've heard it's really good.

I don't watch shows. Just watch Milchick dancing. Do you watch Severance? Dude, you It's really good. I don't watch watch you watch severance, dude You know, we don't watch shows either. I do the last show I watch I go I'm like very late and behind with things, but I watch severance my mom milkshake same person. Okay That's why I mean I do I will watch the love it's probably gonna be within the next year Let's me wait me and Tommy just watched reruns of flavor of love. I fucking love flavor. Yeah rock of love rock Daisy of love. Oh my god 2008 I said drinking myself to death in an apartment in an attic to woman from Delaware and I would go on the rock of love

message board Say that I think of Ashley and I just gave each other a chance to hang out she would like me That's what my mom is like actually. You know they have a podcast too. There's like the- Michael, whatever his name is. Michael? Brett Michaels. Brett Michaels. That's what my mom looks like,

with the bandana and everything. Oh my God, you're right. I know, I know. She should have her own show. Does she, has she found love? We've been trying forever to get her own show. She's found too much love. And she's rejected it.

Oh, interesting. She's an avoidant. She has two pit bulls now, that's all she needs. She's found too much love. And she's rejected it. Oh, interesting. She's an avoidant. She has two pit bulls now. That's all she needs. She's John Wick. That's okay. Papa Yeager. Yeah.

That guy. She's John Wick. If John Wick instead of guns just had like a bunch of power tools. She does have a saw saw strapped to her at all times like John Wick. Yeah, her mom. Is she a lesbian?

Big one. You know what? Sorry. She works the power tools. Doesn't mean she she a lesbian? Big one. You know what? Sorry. She works the power tools, doesn't mean she's a lesbian. Okay. Just cause she has four different girlfriends doesn't make her a lesbian. But she's a lesbian, right?

Just cause a woman owns a dog, wears oversized hoodie and has power tools doesn't make her gay. Okay. And for some reason she always has a bandaid on her hand. The green hair, it comes with the power. She has to tape her fucking thumbs on every day. Bro, every day I'm like, mom, how's your thumbs going? She wraps it, it's like dangling off.

She's like, I got it, it's in the socket now. Your mom always has a bandaid on her thumb. She's literally taped her thumb on. Wild. It's gross without it. Congrats on the new album. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's crazy.

So you went- It's exactly about whatever we were just talking about. So what? Last night you went in there. Corporate magic. Tell me first things I need to know. Green room snacks. They gave us cookies. I was stealing from ships. From MIOK. No. What was the cookie brand? I was stealing the fig bars. Can I ask? Okay. Rice Krispie treats.

Great. I got tequila. They had spicy popcorn. Let's know. I was stealing the fig bars. Can I ask? Okay, fig bars? Rice Krispie treats. Great. I got tequila. Toe bag. They had spicy popcorn. Let's go. Oh, I have a toe bag. Let's go. I'm gonna do late night, I'm gonna write a clean set.

I'm the dirtiest comic in the world. I'm gonna write a clean set so I can get the toe bag. I'll give you the toe bag. Yeah, we can. I brought one for you. You don't have to work on the clean set. Fallon, they have like a nut, like a- Oh, you want the Fallon one?

You know, they gave me a very nice bag. They gave me like a bunch of perfume and body wash yes they gave me a bunch of shit yeah no I know I know they gave Mikey just a pile of dirt get out of your shovel face steal it it's for you shut up okay question hmm. I lose it. Okay, question. Last night you did Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Today you do Bein' with E, Bein' Ein' with Jordan. Question, who had the better food? I really liked the chicken sandwich.

Honestly, the fries. The chicken sandwich. The fries. Those fries are insane. Shout out Winston Bakery. That did happen, but we still have. Oh yeah, who did spill the coffee? You threw me on the floor, my elbow hurt so bad.

Because you spilled the coffee. I'm glad that you're admitting that that's what it was. No, I'm really glad that that's what you're admitting. I like that the whole world sees it because I spilled coffee and I was like, you dropped me on the ground. You kicked me first. After you dropped me. Oh you bitch ass. You started punching me. That's what you did. Are you kidding me?

In the corner of the kitchen. You were on the ground cleaning up the coffee that you spilled. I pushed you lightly. Look at this. And you pushed me. I was just like us. You read the, you go back in, hit me.

No, no, no. I grabbed you and then playfully I did lift you up. Bring me to the ground. My face was about to hit the ground. You did do a strange levitation. That was pretty sick. You levitated. Dude, that was great. hit the ground, you did a strange levitation. That was pretty sick dude. You levitated. Dude that was great.

I was going down, my face was about to hit it, I was about to be like, this friendship is over, and then I was hovering. How'd you do that dude? For real though, wasn't strength? Yeah. That's crazy dude. Because that would make sure nothing would ever happen to you. I hate you, but listen, that was crazy.

Thank you. He grabbed me and laid me down like this and then held, and I was like, like that. Sick. Anyway, what were you guys talking about? This is like watching ourselves in the van. He grabbed me and laid me down like this and then held and I was like like that. Uh-huh sick Anyway, what were you guys? This is like watching ourselves like in the van. Yeah No, well no, no Nobody ever dating never mind. I was gonna ask you like a terrible question I've ever gone anywhere with your dad and they think that you're on a date. I

Was hot. Oh your your dads are dead? Yeah, mine died when I was eight. So people were like, are you guys dating? That would have been a little strange. Yeah, that's true. No, nobody thought me and my dad were on a date because everybody was like, that's a lesbian. You. Your dad?

Me. I was like, which one? Wait, you hang out with your dad and people are like, you guys are dating? Well, you look like a girl who would date a way older guy because of your hair and face and makeup and body. Again, don't- It's just so funny. It's just really funny.

You're making me laugh. You know what I mean? Like I would see you with an older guy and be like, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. He selected a version. You know what I mean? A what? You know what I mean?

Well, whenever you see an older guy, they're never- A virgin? A virgin. A version. You know. I mean, I thought you were genre Virgin and I was like, do I really know I thought she was Zachary Binks from You would see they'd be like, okay, that's what it is. I do think I put that off a little bit Unfortunately, that's not necessarily what I'm up to. I think it's sick. I think your look is incredible Thank you very jealous do it. I can't you would look cool to the next podcast looking exactly like If you looked like a little doll that a girl found in a foster home, you would look so

good. No, I like it. Dude, you would look sick with green hair. You should do it. Should I do it? Have you ever seen a bald man with green hair? I'm just like you kids! No, when Billie Eilish did it, I was very like, that's very cool.

It looked cool. I liked it. When did you do it? Well, I've had, I've had, I've done like green hair and then different colors and then green hair and then different colors and like gone back and forth. Like green is your... I usually go back to green. It feels right.

Question. Yes. Question. Thank you. When you change your hair, do people think you're having a mental breakdown? Because I have wanted to shave my head before. Do it. And a friend was like, hey, this is pretty manic behavior. And then I ended up in the hospital a few days later. Well, I was in hospitals before I started dying my hair.

Mental board mental. The hair is keeping you safe. Yeah, the hair keeps me grounded. You're like speed, but for mental illness. Speed. before I started dying my hair. The hair is keeping you sane. Yeah, the hair keeps me grounded. You're like speed, but for mental illness. Speed? If she goes to a different hair color, she's gonna explode. I've never watched a movie.

That's not true, I've watched some of these. What's your secret pain? What? What's my secret pain? What do you mean? Well, I used to be fat, that's why I want to kill myself. Horse girl. Horse girl.

You were a horse girl? Wait, did you have money or no money? None. I was like shoveling shit. That's why I want to kill myself. Horse girl. Horse girl. You were a horse girl? Wait, did you have money or no money? None. I was like shoveling shit. Oh, you were shoveling. I was also shoveling shit, horse girl. Yes, yeah. I was like, I was working.

I was working to ride. Child labor. Working to ride, working to, yeah. Do you like riding now? I quit when I was 19, but like if I can go and be around it, like my mom still has like a horse and stuff. Did you have a French braid?

You did. I had like hair down there, the brown hair to my ass. All horse girls have long hair with French braid. Yes. I would do like one braid down the side. I was also, nevermind. That's cool.

I was gonna overshadow. Didn't you used to like gallop to class too? Wow. I would actually hiss at people. Dude, I love that because I used to obsessively want a rollerblade. And when I would go to sharpen my pencil in class, I would go, and then kids would make fun. I was a rollerblader.

Really? Yeah. We're so similar. No, we're very far from that. So much similar. No, you were sliding around on sneakers. I was in an inline hockey league and I got in trouble for cross checking. What's that? So when you take the stick and you slam

someone with it. That's sick. Because you take out your dead father anger. What? Ethan says you mean cross dressing. Very good, very good, very good. No, no, no. I like it. Wichita McCall. Okay, so last night, snacks good. You go on stage. Do you got some weird dance thing kind of that you do? You're the singer? Yeah. You sing, do you do something weird?

The guy was looking at you and he's like, you have like a whole choreographed dance? Yeah, do you do a choreographed dance? It's not really choreographed, but I do think about it ahead of time, so I guess that's like loose. It's premeditated. I want you to listen to me.

I feel there being a little shade coming off of you. Tonight I will go on stage and talk about an active yeast infection I've had for many months. Okay? So if we could just let go of- You need to take some Fluconazole. No, no, it's fine right now. Boric acid.

Thank you so much. Boric acid suppositories. Yes, incredible. Cured it immediately. This bitch was balls deep in my pussy. Back to your vaginosis. So the suppositories didn't work for me when I had a BV stint.

I've never gotten a BV. Sorry guys. I never got a BV. That's bullshit if it's been going on that long. No, it just comes every time I get my period. Yo, that's real. That's real. Do you eat Greek yogurt or kimchi or?

Listen, I figured out what it was. Are you ready? Are you taking vitamins? I'm gonna blow your mind. I was buying this underwear that I love so much from lululemon no no no no no no no no no 100% You came up on Sandler? Yes. Oh yeah. Dude. And if you sweat, you gotta change that shit. Two underpants a day. I saw Jack and Jill in theaters twice. I just watched Private Joanna before I came here.

Have you seen it? Yes. I'm so organic. Nobody told me. They're pussies. Y'all are pussies. I swear. You are pussies.

What? For what? We have a fucking fish fountain in our pants. Yes, and I'm respecting your time to talk because I- Did you hear how we both just had the same experience where we switched to 100% feel my underpants. These are new. They're big. Are you wearing thongs now? No, get your hands off. Well, no, because you said, sorry, because you said you hated thongs. I thought you switched to thongs. I'm against thongs. I also am against thongs. Why the BB? No, a couple of things. I

think they look silly on people's butts. I think that they are inherently uncomfortable. And I think that people who are afraid of lines on their butts, I don't understand that. That's stupid to me. I think that's so weird. Can I say, I like to call her AMC regal 25 because she fucking projects.

Okay. Okay. Yes, a part of it is that I have no butt and it hangs down. Yes. It's a movie theater and they have projectors. Thank you. That's all I needed. All I needed was a laugh. I just I things like go right over my head. Oh, it's okay. There's no way anybody would have

received that. I just let it go immediately. I got it. I laughed at it. He was ready to receive. Yeah. I want to send you guys fight naked. They got a new song out. It's great. I I laughed at it. He was ready to receive. Yeah, I want to They got a new song out it's great I like it the new album rips I gotta say first of all Comment below if you got my joke second. Oh, you should have just said an indie theater in Brooklyn because they have projectors. I Feel like that would have been better, you know that Honestly be for real who spilled the coffee? I spilled the coffee. Thank you.

You, and admit that because I spilled the coffee, you dropped me on my elbow and cut my fingy. Fingy, say fingy. I played too hard, and as a result, you did cut your fingy. And hurt my elbow. You're hurting me right now as you hold me. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I got too excited.

You don't touch me a lot. Dude, that girl upstairs is normal. She's great. That was so great. You know what happened? I said, I walked in, and I walked in, I walked in and you know what she said? Hey, first time, first time in the history of any girl that's been over here. Why what do they usually do? Yeah, cuz you're a scary monster. Okay, you walk in and you're like, sorry. I'm late. My pussy was bacteria

You're intimidating you walk in like a whirling dervish You're intimidating. You walk in like a whirling dervish. And they shouldn't walk up to me and go, oh, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't,

we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't,

we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can Heard that they see a woman and they go. Oh my god woman will bond cuz she's that's his woman friend and they're like hi And I'm like no no no no, but she's like hey love that Well also my you you ignored my friends from high school my special taping and they were so I didn't yeah you did You were so excited. They were so excited

But you didn't talk to them big holes in I did. They had big holes in their knees. I talked about their whole outfits. I was like, oh my god, I can't believe your friends are such attractive people. And they're like, ah, ah. And I was like, because he's so ugly. And they're like, and you're so hot. I said that to them.

I can't believe you're saying that. I was so nice to them. I'm mean to hot girls. I'm only being nice to her because I have to. I'm being forced. If the cameras were off, I'd be pushing you around. Say you're really mean to hot girls, ready? I'm really mean to hot girls. Is that why you're being a dick to Mikey?

Whoa. He's quite a beautiful girl. Can I say you are handsome. Thank you very much. You're also handsome. And you're very hot and I would never be mean to you. I don't know why you would assume that I'm a girl. Yeah. You're right. I should have assumed by the bangs. It's a non-binary cat going around right. I should have assumed by the bangs. It's a non-binary cat. Really fucked up of you, Jordan.

See, that's what I'm saying. I can swing that dick. I like that. I can swing that dick. And if you had one, I would love you. Fucking microphone. I believe that. I've almost done that so many times.

Smashed. Really? I've hit it. When? You've hit your mic. Yes. In the UK on tour two years ago and I don't even. Smashed. Really? I've hit it. When? You've hit your, I'm on the mic. Yes.

In the UK on tour two years ago, is when I did this little thing. It's kind of sharp. You want to feel. I do. What's your favorite? I do not want to feel. I like feeling stuff.

Not because of your tooth, but because of what's on my hand. Oh wow, that's cool. What? You don't want to know. BV? A lot of BV, just. She doesn't wash her hands a lot.

I don't wash my hands. I'm against that. Isn't that weird? It's good for your bacterias. Look at you being nice. Instead of. I'm a nice person. Being honest.

You are a nice person. I think I'm. You're a very nice person. Is that the rest of your band over there? No. No. Do you know anything? That's my partner Morgan.

Morgan is partner and Anthony is their tour manager. How would I know that? Who I've known for a while, remember? That was fun. How would I know that? And I've known for a while, remember? That was fun. How would I know that? And I didn't know it was him and then I saw him and I went, ah. I get excited.

Cause I try to talk to you and you don't get back. I do not. Certainly not. But you can keep trying. It's helped me learn acceptance and understanding. You've really helped me grow as a person. You've helped me learn how to ignore the little blue bubble on the phone.

You know what I mean? Like when it's still there. And you're like, I could open it or I could accept that I don't want to. Well, at least I can't find anything positive. What's the best city to tour in? Philadelphia. I'm going there tomorrow. Where are you going?

Helium. Ooh, I love it there. I'm going there tomorrow. Where are you going? Helium. Oh, I love it there. I'm there May 16th to 17th. Philly punch line. It's a comedy club. Wait, is there a big room and a little room?

A helium? There's just a big room in helium. That's what it's Center City, right? Some of the other heliums have small ones. Right next to the, right next to Long in the Tooth on Sampson. That's a great record shop. Shout out Long in the Tooth on Sampson. That's a great record shop. Shout out Long in the Tooth. Also the guy that owns it.

I forget his name. He's awesome. Yes. Long in the Tooth is great. Maybe helium will be good, but it's not a live pod and it'll be me there. This one's awesome. Yeah. Because they were fucked up.

No, they weren't. You have such a poor perception of reality. I did love that one guy. Remember that one guy? The live pod was amazing in Philly. And all the ones we do are great. Some people get a little fucked up. Some people get fucked up. People get fucked up.

But Philly gets fucked up. When I came and saw you at the Punch. The Punch line, I remember that. Where was it? It was in Philly, cause you had, it was like a minimum of two drinks or something you had to get at the table. And I was with straight edge people. So I got, I was like, I'm gonna get, I got like a minimum of two drinks or something you had to get at the table and I was with straight-edge people

So that's all I got I was like I'm gonna get I got like a sour monkeys so they all got two sour monkeys You hide it you what you can't smoke down here already. Yeah, no, there's a smoke alarm No, you can vape I've a We're bad at we're bad at smoking in places you can't smoke at. I still want people watching me vape on camera. It's brutal when you see yourself do it. That's what made me quit the vape.

Yeah, I'm not supposed to be doing this. Somebody took a picture and it was in my mouth and it looked, it- So where is this like- Do you smoke cigarettes? No, but I must went to federal prison because somebody accused me of smoking cigarettes. Yeah, on an airplane.

No. I got put in jail. No! On the airplane for an hour. Airplane jail, airplane jail. It was probably in. Where? We were flying back from Australia, which was like a what, 16 hour flight or some bullshit.

It was a long one. I was current, at the time I was in a leg brace because I had knee surgery. Who's talking to it? What? You have to talk into the mic. Oh, sorry. I had a knee brace, so I was just miserable.

So I took like four edibles and watched John Wick four, three and a half times. Wow, I've done that done that repeated. It's so good. It's so good. And I had to go to the bathroom and I was just nonverbal. And there's a line of people and the guy in front of me is like, the one across is open and you know, you have to go through that like stewardess little corridor. Yes. So I walked through there, I go in the bathroom and immediately I get hit with this smell, but I'm, I don't know what it is. Plus I'm high as shit. And I'm like, was it Jordan's pussy? I was like, yeah, I was high as shit and I turn around.

I don't, BV is a stinky one. You had BV. No, I just have a lot of guys. This eastie upset it. No BV. I had a friend with BV. She works with me on a construction site. I was like, that's a problem. You got to get that fixed. You got to check that was BV. I'd never smelled anything like that in my goddamn life. And so what's wrong with yours? It just gets a little a little yeasty around the period.

No, I understand this. The yeast isn't smelling that great either. No, no, certainly not. Yeah, certainly not ideal. Yeah, but it's not that. It's a completely different thing. It's like sweat pussy. It's like when you work out. That's what it's like.

I like sweat pussy. That's what it's like. When I like a gal, I'm like, go to the gym. Don't shower. And let me wear you like a sleep apnea mask. That's what I like. That's a full bit. That is the thing I have said.

So he came out of the stinky bathroom. Yes. He smelled it. So you smelled cigarettes. Oh yeah, but I was high and I was peeing and I turned around and the door kicked open and it's all the stewardesses screaming at me. They're like, you smoked in here.

And I was like, there's edibles. And they pulled, they're like, this is the worst that we're ever, they're like, we're over the ocean. We would have to mandatory land the plane. And they pulled they pulled me in they like put me in our room And the lady was like you were smoking in there like what's that smell and I was just like it was You did the oh, yeah I had to like I was so high I couldn't even talk but I'm like I have to get out of this because she's like

You're going to jail like as soon as we off the plane. This is like a federal offense. You're going to jail So my the first thing my brain told me to do was to do Was to do this to the stewardesses because in my brain my fingers if you smoke cigarettes your fingers smell So I was like smell my fingers and they're like get the fuck what what and I was like smell my fingers and they like so funny doing that is so funny to just try they're like what are you trying to make us vanish the wizard in the bathroom smoking cigs again starts Instagram DMing me cuz I'm on like the phone wife the plane Wi-Fi and he's like I almost just got arrested I was like how the fuck did that happen? So what happened?

They pulled her over. I was in there for like an hour and some dude just like walked by me and he's like, oh, that wasn't him. He was in there for two seconds. And I was like, and the lady's like, you can go. Oh, but the lady sat down. She's like, do you know all the hazards

of smoking on an airplane? Would you like to know all the bad things that could happen on this airplane right now? People like that need to die because it's not the end of the world. They used to smoke on airplanes. Some airplanes still have ashtrays. They all do. It's insane that they make it out to be like this big catastrophe when in reality it's

a minor inconvenience. Oh, it's going to smell. You've seen ashtrays on them? Where's the ashtrays? Yeah, in the bathrooms. In the bathrooms. There's still the ashtrays. Tell me, what's the big catastrophe?

What are the hazards? Apparently it can explode. Oh, she's like, if you flush it down, it'll ignite the fuel. If you put it in the trash can, it'll light the trash on fire. Yeah, if you put a lit cigarette, but if you put it out and put it in the water, or fucking swallow it. Also hilarious that something could flush and be on fire. Yeah, that's insane behavior to think that.

I got caught vaping in a bathroom once, but I was vaping. What happened? Did you get in trouble? What's the worst thing that happens because I ever hit my weed pen all the time on the plane still? Dude.

I hit my vape at the sea all the time. Just hit the ghost pit. I'm so scared of that because getting put on a no fly list would ruin my life. Oh yeah, we would be fucked. Oh. That's the thing. It's like, dude, I got

arrested at Newark airport. They called me with brass knuckles at TSA and they threw me in jail. My one call was to David Tell to tell him I was missing the early show in Salt Lake City. I got out after a couple hours, but it was, I got charged as a class four felony weapon charge. Shout out Jimmy Bonner, my criminal defense attorney. If you ever need help in the Chester County, New Jersey, Philadelphia area, I promise him I'd plug him every time because he got me to plead out

to a criminal mischief misdemeanor. So that's part of our deal. Cause he did it. He broke his legal term. How amazing is it that you were charged with mischief and you're like, oh, they tried to plead me down to third degree rabble rousing. Rabble.

Sounds like a song. Exactly. I got excited for a second. I had to take that serious for a moment. I rousing. Rabble. Sounds like a song. Exactly. I got excited for a second. I had to take that serious for a moment. I was like, it sounds more serious than mischief. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, no, I got, for nine months, I was on probation for being a little rascal. Yeah.

We've all been there. It's the tomfoolery. You have to be very careful with the tomfoolery. Yes, tomfoolery is what's going to get us. It's going to get us. I know. It's going to get us. I need to get scared in a knot, because I'm getting too,

I've been undefeated for too long. You're so loose, bro. With the weed now, I just started smoking weed since my knee injury. Yeah. I just became a stoner at 30. Really? Yeah.

I used to just do cocaine every day, but now. No, we don't do that anymore. We don't do that anymore, yeah. Good for you. Yeah, I've changed. Little Mickey. Shout out my body being anymore. Yeah. Yeah, I've changed Shout out my body being broken. Shout out Mikey's body Mikey's bad body

MBB yeah coke sucks. It sucks all day. It sucks all day It's the whole day the next day. I'll go the murder drug suck. Yeah, I know we do hate weed. God. I hate weed hate everything That's all everything mushrooms are nice mushrooms are nice. I like weed Hey, here's the thing if you are addicted to something there is What's it called when you Stop doing the thing that's killing you but you start like smoking weed or something? Well it's like you have an addictive personality like it's always... Harm reduction. Oh. Harm reduction. I understand harm reduction. Yeah right right right. And again projection, call me an indie movie theater in Brooklyn because I'm projecting.

Well, I get it. Wow. That's cause I said that one is, thank you. That's why I said it. It's a good idea. The thing is when we are around high people, this is another thing that's projection from us. When we're around high people, me and Ian are both a lot. I'm not high right now. And people will get irritated by us since we were a young age. So now when people are high, we're like, you're stupid. Like Pat the other day, we were over at Ethan's house,

he got high and I went, oh, you're so high. And he went, ha ha. And I was like, you're right, I'm so stupid. Also, I dislike it because I can't do those things anymore. And when I would do them, I would wig the fuck out. so when I see someone that handles it, I'm like fuck you man Fuck you. I can't have simple pleasures like drugs. What the fuck? I also think weed killed my father. What? Whoa We smoked weed all day every day Riddled with cancer or something and nobody he just was like I'm good. All right, so choose did weed kill your dad or cigarettes?

But we're both or your stepmother. Oh He just was like, I'm good. All right, so choose, did we kill your dad or cigarettes? Both. Or both. Or your stepmother? She died. She died? At the same age he did. With the secret that she killed him? I know.

Convenient. Yeah. She was the same age as he was when he died. Isn't that weird? It's awfully convenient. But I don't think she killed him and I'm just saying that because I feel guilty. But I really don't, we don't know how he died.

I think he died. Wait, you don't know how he died. I think he died. You don't know how he died? No. Like he was just dead. Dead, sleeping. Oh. I know. Fishy.

But he had had a heart attack at 43. Already. And they said no more cigarettes and coffee. And he said, okay, no more coffee. Yeah. And then he drank a hundred cups of decaf. So did they not do like a... They asked me, they were like,

do you want to do an autopsy? And me and my dad are both very squeamish. We don't go to doctors. And I was like, don't cut that man open. He would hate that. No, that's respectable. But now I wish I knew. Exhumem.

You should totally do that. He was cremated. Put him back together. Yeah, like a nice little puzzle. That'd be cute. Well, that would be hard because I ate some of him. I ate some of my dad. Oh my god! I gummed him.

Oh. Well, one time my mom was sick and had to go to the hospital and I was afraid she was going to die and I made my grandfather come over and sleep in bed with us and then I blessed her with my dad's ashes and said a prayer thinking he would bring her back to life. Whoa. Thanks for doing the show today, guys. We appreciate it. Did you end ate them? Oh, the son of the father hunt.

I was like, if I scoop my dad's ashes into my mom's mouth, it'll save her. That's so cute. How old were you? Twenty three. Twenty four. No, no, no. No, 24. No, no, no. Okay, good. No, 16.

No, no, it was nine. That's really cute. And she's like, what is that, cocoa? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. What did we just talk about? Let her do it.

What? Do it, Nate. Do you want to do it through the blowjob doll? So that you can do it through it? I felt kind of nasty doing it already. That's a pretty good idea because then nobody sees you do it. What? Do it, Nate! Do you wanna do it through the blowjob doll? So that you can feel it? I felt kinda nasty doing it already. That's a pretty good idea cause then nobody sees you hit it. It's just her hitting it.

Dude, I don't really wanna touch my lips to her lips. I'm sorry. Bring that on the plate! This is the first time I've ever not wanted to touch a woman's lips. I've never used it. Are you gay? A little.

You're a gay homo? Get out of here! I'm a little bit of a homo. Bring it in the cups! I'm a little bit of a homo, but I'm also pretty straight too. You have to choose. I can't choose. If you have to choose.

I can't choose. Really? I can't choose. I don't know. It's so hard because the ladies are so pretty. But then like, you know what I think would be awesome? You know how your makeup is done. Very cool.

Yeah. What if men started doing that? Well, that's what I think they should do. I think that wouldn awesome. You know how your makeup is done very cool? Yeah. What if men started doing that? Well, that's what I think they should do. Like, you know that, wouldn't that be sick? Well, I think the best men are the ones- If we just got to ancient bags, and they got to do, they did David Bowie. I think the best men are the ones

that are very comfortable doing the like, feminine thing, like doing the makeup and the like- Interesting. Like there was- So I feel more like a, wait, are we gonna get into? No, same. I feel more like a boy than a girl, but I do like to do like, you know?

You're a little gay boy. I am a little gay boy. I'm literally a gay boy. I'm a little gay boy too. They call me the LGB, little green bitch, but also a little gay boy. That rules. I call it the LGBT I a n oh

Sorry Yeah, I fuck with that yeah, I started to wear a dress on stage. I like it. Yeah, fuck you I'm not non-binary I really like dress suck it well.'s the thing, just wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. Who gives a shit? Who fucking cares? Who fucking gives a shit?

But I do think you should wear beautiful makeup every day. I love wearing makeup. It would be so pretty. Me? It'd be so fun. Me or him? Well you have too much facial hair, but putting beautiful on.

Like the David Bowie thing. I can't grow a mustache, but I'll do the makeup thing. Like that man is slinging dick, or was, respectfully. Look at this boy, imagine if we dressed him up. Oh! Oh, look at cellist cap. When I told, I was so nervous to tell my uncle Clyde that I was bisexual. Well his name's Cly was, respectfully. Look at this boy, imagine if we dressed him up. Ooh. When I told my, when I told, I was so nervous to tell my uncle Clyde that I was bisexual. Well his name's Clyde, so.

I know, and his wife's name's Camille. Yeah. And that's Sherry's parents. Oh, poor girl. And I go, no, they love her. And, and I go, you know, uncle Clyde, and he was my dad's best friend, so I was like so worried. And he goes, that's cool. David Bowie is bisexual. That's alright

It made me feel alright cuz he was and fucking him and Iggy Pop would kiss and it was like no big deal You know, I I went to the boxing gym that trained David Bowie Really? Yeah, he used to box so David Bow Bowie had hands too. Bob Dylan. Whoa. Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan's got that? He would, he trained a little bit. They would do it for, to stay fit. Okay.

Yes. Yeah. Okay. But David Bowie really was boxing. Do you think you could, you could box Bob Dylan? For sure. Yeah. He's, yes. Yeah.

Weak. If Bowie was back though, I think Bowie would beat all of our asses. I know. I don't know. He seems like the type that could just. Elliot Page was at my gym the other day? Whoa, not a good boxer adorable Butterfly feet little noodle arms little tiny noodle arms. I've got horse girl arms. I don't know

Go for it chief. Oh You got strong arms. Whoa, those are my arms. Oh, you got strong arms! Whoa, those are good arms! Oh, wow! Yo, what is that line? Oh, see, that's fun. To have makeup and hair like that with strong arms is cool. I can't like, whoosh.

Because it's like Tank Girl. Do you lift? No. What are those lines? It's from being a horse girl growing up. Like, just like... Stuck. Shoveling shit and like lifting saddles and.

You know what? Speaking of makeup, I'm going to contour. You should contour that. Yeah. To lines. Do you have those lines? I came over here and flexed. That was, you legit flexed on us.

You look strong though. You look like you're wearing hockey pads. Fuck. You do. You look like a goalie dude. You look like you're a mighty dog. Like a hockey goalie. No, your shoulders are jacked.

Thank you. Look at those suckers. What's that from? Is that from this? No, just, I don't know. You do stuff? No. Come on, you pick things up.

I mean, I do like stairs. I do, oh, I started doing pushups. That's good. You do like so many pushups and stuff. Well, I just started because I was losing my goddamn mind. I sometimes, I have to stay at- You were losing your.

What? No, stop. You're what? What were you losing? No, I have to stay at Kat's in Kat's garage in California a bunch and it's just like a cement garage. So I just been doing pushups every day. Just like I'm in prison.

Like I'm in prison. Just makes me feel better. Yeah. That's it. Whose garage are you living in? Mine. When I go, cause I live in Philly. Yeah. And I go to California a lot. I live in California. Whose garage you live in? Mine. When I go, cause I live in Philly. Yeah.

And I go to California a lot. I live in California. Where the rest of the band is. I stay in Kat's garage sometimes. How does that work? What? The band doing that? Yeah, with you on the East coast

and you on the West coast. We have one in Salt Lake City also. And we- Shout out, I was just there. SLC. Shout out to Spent, great hardcore band. I just did vocals on one of their tracks. I'm so excited.

Wise Guys Comedy Club, shout out. What? His vocals. And I never say things like that. I'm excited to hear it. Yeah. Actually it's good. Oh yeah, I appreciate that.

Yeah, it's really fun. I also like it because you're a comedian and your lines in it are ha ha. Really? Oh yeah, I have a part where I'm like, yeah, ha ha! Like a little like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool, that, ha, ha, ha, ha, like a little like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool, that's cool.

Yeah, that's cool. We, we, that sounded so like, wouldn't it be funny if that was the one thing you asked to take out of the episode? Like, ha. Was you complimenting my singing? Please take that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we don't wanna make this guy

think he should do it again. We just all, and we're on tour so much much so much so that it doesn't really matter that much that we're so far away from each other for this part. Because when you're off tour you have downtime. You guys worry about all the flying plane crashes? Oh my god I like to put it in the group chat every time it happens. I fucking hate that shit. I have recurring dreams. Like my biggest fear in the world.

I have nightmares about it all the time. I'm afraid of dying in a plane crash. I know. I feel like you guys fly a lot too, right? Every week. Well, I got a dog and now I'm a really she's always with me and I'm afraid of her. Oh, that's like an emotional support situation. She's my girl.

That's what I said. She is. That's your lady. That's just the best. Her therapy dog. Yeah. No, I just am a farm hick. Yeah.

And they were like, here's your life. Now they the gods that be. And I was like, I need a dog. Yeah. You, I just am a farm hick. Yes. They were like, here's your life now. They the gods that be. And I was like, I need a dog. You can't do that. You're a comedian. And I was like, that's you bitch. I'm getting a dog. A little critter. She's a first. I want to have a travel cat. But I don't think that'd be fair. I feel like the cat would get all stressed out and piss everywhere. I'll show you my dog. If you got a travel cat, I want like a little shit dog. That would be cool. That would be if you got a little Glenn. I want a hedgehog. Look at my beautiful fox. For the van. That's cool. Yep. If you got a flying squirrel. That'd be even fucking cool. Yeah. I'll tell you this. You could just smuggle it. Out of all these plane crashes, there's millions of flights a day. Yeah, that are fine. So they're only highlighting. It's just sensationalized. Do you know how many crashes have happened that they don't highlight?

Oh, so many. So many. You're likely to crash. In other countries and places. It's so, so small. It is nothing to worry about. It's not going to happen. And I'll tell you this.

This could be our dogs together. If anything. What happened? I'm listening. We're at the planes. Look at that. We can have our dogs together. Oh my God.

You know what? I want that. Yeah. That's what I should want. I at that. We can have our dogs. You know what? I want that. Yeah, that's that's a little scrappy little fucker. I got you. Get a scrappy fucker. I was on a flight and it had the worst turbulence I've ever had in my entire. Here we go with the fucking shit.

Oh, wow. Do you have another vagina issue? So I would be happy. My life is good and I'm ready to die. Fuck you. We'll see. Give me a gun. Give me a gun. Fucking kill me. Give me a gun. I'll hold it to your head. Let's see how fast you're going. Thank you. That's crazy, dude. I was, I was on a flight and it was the worst turbulence ever and things are flying. People were yelling and I felt

this like it felt like the end of Fight Club one where's my mind? Oh, I felt like this whole calming piece This lady having an absolute mental fucking be behind you I Felt so good cuz I was like dude, there's nothing I can do right now. Yeah, it's like complete loss of control. But except the fact that if this goes down, it's fine. You're practicing radical acceptance. Yes.

And that's what I try to practice in what? No free will. There is free will. You can't control it. I mean, you could just jump off the plane. Like you could like rip open the thing. I could. I have the free will right now

to fucking shove that harmonica down my throat. Yes, exactly. One time I did during a mental episode. We're not gonna fight about free will. I took a shit on a plate in front of a lot of people. One time I came out of a mental break and I was on my mom's dining room table shaving my armpits.

Anyway. Well, you really degraded the severity of those. What? Well, you started with, I took a shit on a plate, and then covered it up with, I was shaving my armpits on my mom's table. I'm fun. Who's shit on a plate?

Where did you shit on a plate? These were different times. Where was the plate? Was it a paper plate or like a normal? I'm not a fucking jerk off, it was paper. Thank God. Yes. Oh, I thought you had a problem for a second.

Anyway, yes, radical acceptance. Yeah. I love the feeling of knowing that no matter what, you just have to accept it. And if we're going to die on a plane. That sounds so sexual. What? No? Say it again.

No, you said- Slower. Eye contact. Show your chip tooth. The tooth is so cute. Yeah, it is really cute. I really think that in those moments there's nothing to do but accept. So I try to live every day that if I were to die, I'd accept it and go, oh, that's why you sleep till fucking 5 p.m. Every fucking day.

Yeah, I'm fucking manic depressive, all right? Double down on two different things. There's, I contain multitudes. Not everything's black and white. You know, doing whatever you want includes doing like, bad. Being bad. Sleeping till 5 p.m.

I don't need you shaming the fact that sometimes I can't get out of bed. I slept till 5 p.m. today, it was awesome. you know you're shaming if you're shaming I don't know three p.m. I don't ever have a lot of what do you say me and cheese I sweat too much and then I slept a lot sometimes I eat so many meats of Jesus my salt content goes up and I can't take my rings off. No, yeah, that happens. Anyway, but every day is the last day! I'm saying I try! I fail, but I try!

You didn't say I try! You said I live every day. I said that's why I try to live every day. I live every day like every day is my last day. Meanwhile, you're in a frickin' basement all damn time. How would you live your last day? You play video games. How would I live my last day committing murder? Killing the bane of my existence

Killing my Sist I Haven't I have about a well, I don't want to insult you. So I'll say 120 pound tumor attached to my Thank you sir. I'm actually down to 157. Nice. Pretty, I've never been lower than 155. What's up, bitch?

You're doing great. Wait, call me a bitch again. What's up, bitch? I could freaking crush your ass and fold you up. Dude, this woman. Wait, would you do that? This woman, I could. She's not catching what you're throwing.

This woman is, she was. I know, she's, you're straight. I know, she's aroused by it. Yeah, I'll break her in half. you're throwing. I know she's Yeah I do that all the time. You gotta you gotta take what you can you can't do that to men They don't get anything from it This girl last night was hitting on me so and she's like a fucking single and I was like I am straight and she's like Yeah, and Danny and she was on the stairs at the balcony and I almost was like she would have loved it She would have kicked her out like but the only reason why she was attracted she would have been was cuz I was yelling at her That's what I'm saying. I was yelling. I was like quit shushing people you fucking dumb bitch. They went there

Stick do you like mud? It's actually so true. That's why I'm repulsed by this. The only thing that's gonna give you trouble in this world is tits and tires, brother. Come on. Whoa, all these are good. I need that on a hat stat. Tits and tires rules.

You could give me a bag of gold and I still complain about how much it weighs. You know what my mom says? That's slicker than deer guts on a doorknob. Ooh. That's good. Yeah. That's really good.

I'm hornier than a bisexual in an orgy. Dude, you guys want to hear something crazy? No, I'm more confused. Stock market tanked? Than a bisexual. I've never invested in stocks because I'm against it because it's imaginary world. It's fake.

But I love shiny things, so I bought some gold. Gold's double now. Oh, fuck yeah, let's go. My dad used, what'd let's go my dad used What'd your dad do? He used to fish You guys are pissed you don't have a dad Ears go back here like my dad What's it like my dad

Out of the shit tunnels of Sacramento and sell gold. That's awesome. Your dad was a prospector. He was a sifter? Modern day. He looks like a prospector. Dude, please don't talk about the way my dad looks. Please, please, please.

Is he hot? I want to fuck your dad. Again, what's the look at? No. He's a sweet man. Your dad's a babe and everybody knows it. His name's Skip. Yeah, that's a sweet man. Your dad's a babe and everybody knows it. His name's Skip. Yeah.

That's nice. Yeah. My dad has the hottest name of all time, Jack. Okay. Yeah. Yes. I think Jack's the hottest name. Jack, Oliver, Knox.

Knox. Knox. Knox is hot. Hey, I'm Knox. K-N-O-X. That sounds like a name that some, a couple in this neighborhood would name their child. Yes. No, that's like Skillet or something.

No, that's fucking... Oh, this is baby Nox. Well, Nox is the first one. Skillet is the second. And this is our other child, Table. Like, that's what it would be. Tater. Tater!

Tater. Yeah. No, that's like, it's like... Nox sucks. Wesley. That's what they're doing Colton and Baker Colton's till aughts now. It really is old man named Henry Harry. I like it. They really like the girl Oh rug Eleanor rugby

I'm a rugby save a da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da This is my favorite. How about you? Do you even know what we're talking about? One of them. Ringo is the hottest. The big nose. What? Yeah, I like the big nose. Have you seen him now? No. He looks great. What he looks like now? He looks great.

Peace and love. Really? He looks good. He looks great. They say Jim Morrison's alive in Syracuse. I saw that. I read that. Have you ever seen The Winged Beetle? It's a documentary about how Paul really did die in 1969

and he had like a stunt double, and part of it you're like, what the fuck? And then some other things you're like, I fully believe that Paul McCartney was dead, you know? Like the Avril Lavigne is dead. She dyed her hair blonde and like she died. That's crazy. That bitch is dead.

There's a conspiracy that she died and they like replaced her. And so like that explains it. But what would Derek Wibbley Lee think yeah It explains so much Pink or Avril Lavigne choose well, I have to go with pink because we're from the same hometown. She's from D town Wait, is that her? I don't know Yeah, you better get this party started. Yeah, that's Kesha. No already started. No, that's Kesha. No, no, that's not pink. Also has, um, what's that one that's like, just followed me on Instagram. Whoa. That's a big win. That's a W my cack.

Suck on my cack. I love the biggest win. I can die. That's huge. Isn't that huge? That's fucking Jagged little pill. Well, what's my childhood? What's one of your favorite albums front to back? Mine. Yeah I'll go first third. I blind self titled Metallica Either master puppets or ride the lightning and Nirvana and utero. I'm gonna say bloodhound gang. Hooray for boobies. That is Such a good album. I just going to say Bloodhound Gang, Hooray for Boobies. That is such a good album.

I just listened to One Fierce Beer Coaster. Oh, so good. Incredible. So good. Dude, Hooray for Boobies has... Maybe you are autistic. Bim-ba-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Fun fact, the first time I ever got drunk in my whole life was because evil Jared Hasselhoff poured Jaeger down my mouth at like some show that he was playing. He's like, are you 21?

I'm like, yeah. And he poured it and I got drunk. And my girlfriend at the time, we were like in high school. She was sobbing. She was sobbing because I was drunk. She's like, you said you were going to wait for me. So like we were going to get drunk together for the first time.

But I'm like, it's the dude from Bloodhound Gang. That's the shit I would've done in high school as a girl. I would've done that. I'd be like, you said. Oh, Justin High School. You were gonna wait for me. Yeah, that is exactly how you still are. I am like that, I am like that.

That's awesome. Dude. Anxious attachment. Chacey Lane. Dude, so good. No way. Also, when I was a kid, I was always confused by the line, would you fuck me for blow? I was like, what does that mean? And I'm like, Oh shit dude, confusing attachment style.

What you would call it? Uh, one fierce fierce coaster was awesome. I got into them from fire, water, burn. Oh, does that have kiss me where it smells funny? Have I ever broken up with it? You did it every time. Oh, I always break up with people. Um, hold your hands up high and blow your brains out.

And I wish I was cool. I wish I was cool. I wish I was cool. I wish I broken up with it? I've never broken up with it. I always break up with people. I like that this thing you have to bring out. Hold your hands up high and blow your brains out. Yeah. And I wish I was queer, so I can get a shake. What the fuck is wrong with you? Dude, Hell Yeah is an amazing song. I think ours is way more interesting.

And they have that song Along Comes Mary and they have Bake Soundtrack, which is so good. Oh yeah, that's on Hooray for Boobies. Yes, that's right. You can just hurt us, which means people can hear us. What? Nothing. We were having a more interesting conversation. Yeah, it was so interesting.

I doubt it was. More interesting than the Blood Hand. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. boobies. Yes, that's right. Which means people can hear us. What? Nothing. We were having more interesting conversation. Yeah, it was so interesting. More interesting than the Blood Hand Gang. Oh, oh, oh. I talk about radical acceptance and how I try to live at life every day like it's my last. What, let me guess, who you were talking about? Are you anxious or avoiding attachment style? That's not what we were talking about.

What's your attachment style? That's not what we were talking about. Did you just go through a breakup? That's not what we were talking about. What were you talking about? We were talking about the birth of hardcore pretty much starting initially with the Misfits and then growing from there and how they kind of introduced it fundamentally, kind of, I mean, Patti Smith also, intro to punk. That's what we were talking about, horses. Were you really?

Yes. And you guys were talking about Bloodhound Gang. Fuck yeah, we were all the time. Do you think Misfits was the first hardcore band? No. Who do you think was? I'm just gonna say the Misfits. I think so too.

You think they were the first hardcore? Hardcore? No, it's just gonna be my answer to piss people. Well no, it's- I know, I know, I know, I know. Isn't it the middle class? What's the- I do that. When I can't I know, I know. Sure. Isn't it the middle class? What's the... I do that when I can't think.

I do that. Yeah, I go, ah! And sometimes when I have negative, repetitive thoughts, I go, blurgh. Me too. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, yeah.

What is it called? Sorry, I'm gonna use my phone. What are you trying to think of? Have you ever read Please Kill Me? It's one of my favorite books by Lex McNeil. Yeah. Oh, do we have it here? Sorry, I'm gonna use my phone. What are you trying to think of? Have you ever read Please Kill Me? It's one of my favorite books by Legs McNeil. Oh, do we have it here? Great book. Love books. Books are good. You know what? I'll say it, and I don't care.

Comics are modern day philosophers. We speak truth to power. Books are good. I can't read anymore. Reading makes me sleepy. I learned that I can listen to audio books. Audio books. And I enjoy audio books. I read a book and I got to read it over and over. It's kill me. Also, I just learned how to read. So it's still makes me sleep. I definitely need glasses. Wait. Yeah. Let's see. What's going on here? Whoa. This is great. Do you look good?

You look like Clark Kent. Clark Kent. Wow, you do look like Clark Kent. Whoa. Whoa. That's cool. Wow. Crazy.

I wish we had a phone booth so I could watch you take your clothes off. We're going to wrap it up. That's been fantastic. I gotta go. Thank you guys so much. Thank you so much for hanging out. You've been yapping. Thank you guys. Congrats. Thank you. It's amazing. What do you guys want to plug? Your new album is fucking killer. And can I just say, I love the song Seeds to Sow and I feel like this is a continuation of that in like a very fun, nice, hard way. And there's this Canadian band called Metric. I don't know if you've heard them, but I love Metric and you guys remind me of.

Hello again. That's the Scott Pilgrim song. What's the metric, but it's their song. Can you not interrupt? I'll be going, I'm sorry. There's a song by them that's like, help me, I'm alive. And I used to be a carpenter

and me and this guy would get high and he'd put on Def Leppard. What? Nothing. God. And he would be like, we're listening to Def Leppard and one day I go, I'd like to put on what I like.

And I put on metric. Oh, I hate that. And he acted like I came out of the closet. He goes, hey man, this isn't for me, but if you enjoy it, that is fine. I would do you brother to not listen to it in my truck. But they rip. You guys remind me of that, but with a way like harder edge.

And it's such a cool departure and avenue and place that you guys have gotten to and I'm such a fan and I really dig it. Thank you so much. Yeah we worked really hard. We're so excited. Yeah we're so grateful. So excited. I don't want I don't know why we went sarcastic. Yeah we can't take anything. I got upset for a second. I was like I was genuinely sorry. What the fuck is wrong with you? Thank you I love you. Let go of your knee a little bit, that's scaring people. I can't. You guys are great.

New album, Are We All Angels? Yes. Yes. Just came out. Yes. You guys feel good? Yes. We feel great.

I feel nothing. When does your late night thing come out? Tonight at 11 p.m. We're gonna watch it in the hotel room. Yeah, we're gonna watch it together. Wow. What does babe stand for? Burned at 11 p.m. We're gonna watch it in the hotel room. Watch it together. What does babe stand for? Burned at both ends. That's like in the chorus. Come on. Come on, bro. I didn't even put that together. It's really good. Well, wow, that's hilarious. You know, jokes. I do. And I am a little too literal sometimes. You gotta write some poetry, man.

I do write poetry. Okay, well don't. What the fuck? I can't read to you. Fuck, fuck. Go read that to the girl upstairs. Oh, you think I didn't write her a haiku for her birthday? Cause I did.

That's actually very sweet. No, it is not. Haiku is too long. Like a stone rolls downhill, I gravitate towards you. Why? Just kidding. Just kidding. What? Come on, let's hear something. Now you got us going. This is a joke. How about a haiku? Haiku. We had to write haikus about logs.

I am me and I am mine stuck between independence and dependence. You make my heart beat like a sky in July. That's so beautiful. I love that. Oh God, like a sky in July. My birthday is June 11th. I'm gonna need a haiku birthday card.

I had to leave to see and be deceived. Stinky guy'd make my way alone. Needed the time to find my mind, but in your eyes I was shown. No big deal. Oh my God. The shoulder shrug. It's really good.

It's good. It's really good. I don't need you to, no. Lie about what I am. True. It's five, seven, five. I'm trying to get the rhythm. I don't need a birthday. My dad. Happy birthday June 11th Mike is your birthday. You are no longer fat. Beautiful. I can't wait to read that and then eat a whole cake and then cry. Record is out now. It rips. Check it out. Uh, see these guys on tour and

speaking of tour, where are you going to be? What do you know? Oh, I'm going to be in Winnebago. What's the place in Canada that sounds like that? Winnipeg. I'm going to be in Winnipeg at rumors. Shout out Manitoba. Don't shout out shit. It's a great club. At rumors?

Yeah. Winnipeg, me in the ass. That was my joke. Don't use it. Philly punchline, May 16th to 18th. Stand Up Live, Arizona at the end of April. Um, stand up live Huntsville, uh, the third weekend in April, Rochester comedy and Carlson, Atlanta helium, Ian finance.com,

patreon.com slash B and E and pod. We love you. Punch up that live slash Jordan Johnson for her dates. See you next time. Thanks guys. Bye bye. Thank you.