Bein' Ian With Jordan - Sauce Gorilla Wsam Morril Rachel Feinstein Bein Ian With Jordan 178

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Legendary comedians Sam Morril & Rachel Feinstein join Ian & Uncle Dan to talk about Ian's insane landlord situation, the best & worst holes in the wall (wink) in Manhattan, & what's in Rachel's gargantuan Chanel bag. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Take advantage of Ridge’s Biggest Sale of the Year & GET UP TO 47% OFF by going to https://www.Ridge.com/FIENDCLUB #Ridgepod #sponsored #adTake advantage of Ridge’s Biggest Sale of the Year & GET UP TO 47% OFF by going to https://www.Ridge.com/FIENDCLUB #Ridgepod #sponsored #ad -Download Cash App Today & use code SECURE10 at sign up: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/jy7kvwno #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. -Get 10 free meals + a free Zwilling knife at HelloFresh.com/SKA10FM Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance See Sam LIVE! https://punchup.live/sammorril See Rachel LIVE! https://punchup.live/rachelfeinstein Follow DSG! https://instagram.com/danst.germain Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

New Year's Eve, December 31st, two shows, San Diego, American Comedy Company. Spend my birthday with me, December 31st, with you on New Year's Eve at American Comedy Company and San Diego, Eiffidance.com for tickets. And then get tickets to January 8 to 10th. Comedy Works, Denver, and then I'm going to Connecticut, Austin, Portland, Portland, Seattle, Baltimore, everywhere. Emo's not Dead Cruz, EFidance.com for tickets and enjoy the show. On today's episode, we have Sam Marell, Rachel, Rachel.

She'll find Stein and her old friend Uncle Dan St. Germain. Enjoy it. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding back so through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt.

It's a wild ride. When you're being in, and life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live alive. Being Ian, being in with Jordan. Yo. Yes, I'm here. Dan?

Hey. Checking, checking. I just want to thank my team at WME. Whoa. Somebody went to the retreat. That's where the bag's from. When I went to a meditation retreat once, I was like, I was like, I just want to be away from show business. It was in L.A.

And I got there, and the first thing I saw was like, William Morris tote bag, like all these agents had the same thought that I did. We're all like. You want to retreat with meditating? There were agents there. Yeah, silent retreat. Jack Cornfield, what up? That is dark.

Yeah. Yeah. I would rather go on a retreat with the heavens gay cult than go there. That seems like absolute hell. Also, Dan texted me before the show and said, You bobbed to somebody. How's your Thursday? Did you get that bag from your agency?

No, you think they give me a Chanel bag? They know what I'm worth. They give me a fucking coffee cup probably. You do always have an enormous bag with you. Yeah, but it's at least a nice bag, Dan, you know. Let's quote Ludica. But it's true. I have a slovenly sack.

I have a bag that makes men flaccid. It's disgusting. My dick has never been softer right now. It's pretty bad. Are we talking about your pussy? What's going to? Yeah, you said you have a slovenly sack. Oh, no, my pussy's golden.

My pussy's golden. You know what I see when I see a big bag? I'm like, she's a lot. Yes. It's like when you travel with someone and you ever date someone and they bring like three check bags and you're like, what the fuck? What are you doing? Well, and you're carrying them all.

Let's quote ludicrous. What in the world is in that bag? What you got in that bag? Oh, yes. Would you like to share what's in there? Is that, is it? Oh, you already from Kwon on stage? What's happening right now?

Yeah. Oh, it's your birthday. Come on up. Come on. Oh, that man got up, you're going to take a shit. Let's see, what is in my... Like a character from fences. Oh, my God, it's mostly just...

Do you have a toilet tree's bag? What the fuck is happening? No, that's makeup. Dude, there's a sort of makeup bag. Is that doo-doo on the... That's a makeup bag that looks like you dragged it behind the cab on the way here. Listen, listen, listen, don't open the makeup bag. It's dark terrain, all right?

What's in the make, come on. No, it's just too embarrassing. You guys, it's all my abortion medicine. Abortion medicine. This is the funniest thing, though. I have two wallets in here. Really? Wow.

Are they both yours? No, the thing is, the reason I don't want Sam to go in here, it's not the buttload of abortion emergency abortion medicine I have. No, no, no, no, no. What if I did just carry a sack of abortion? Incredible. That would actually turn me on. If a woman had those locked and ready to go.

I'd be like, she's a keeper. This one. It's like a pez dispenser, possibly. Oh, my God. This is really mainly to cover a gonorrhea test I always bring with me. You have a lot. Just kidding. No, I love a team.

That's a nice wallet, too. No. I know. I'm not, like, I'm married. I'm not getting late enough to get gonorrhea. I didn't know if you guys, like, open it up or, you know. My, dude, a friend. No one has ever said, open it up without their eyes bulging it.

Open it up You guys want to do Open He's like I don't know What your situation is You open it off My

My like Like an old friend Of mine That I'm not Because people watch So I'll just say Someone from my past That I

They She was in a marriage Open it up Worked at a firehouse Got ran through By the firehouse As like a part of her Like opening the marriage

And I was like Oh so what about your husband Is he like Seeing other people And she goes No His open side of the marriage, she wants more of like an emotional connection.

I go, oh, you mean like a wife? As a part of opening the marriage is amazing. You're allowed to just fuck the friends in an open marriage? No. I feel like coworkers should be off limits. First of all, this is a porn that Ian watched, clearly.

Like nobody ever was like... Well, I didn't know if you opened it up and you were like the firehouse hot, hot... Let me just start this. This went from like, are you non-monogamous to are you getting gang banged by firemeners? Nobody opens it up, and he just skimmed past that party. He goes, so the firehouse ran through her like a train.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure if, by the way, even if somebody did have an coping manage. Of course. So that you don't think about it, Rachel. I would have thought about it. I used to be a volunteer firefighter hoping. It just never worked out. If you're going to cheat with another firefighter, it's obviously Anthony DeBreeze in ladder 202. For sure.

I was going to say that. I would ever get specific, but yes, it's the chauffeur at 118. Dude, my neighbor is a firefighter, and he is an adonis of a man. It is, it is, he, the front door was broke, his key was broken, and he would come home and just... When did this turn into an episode of Sex and the City? What the hell's happening? My neighbor's hot, dude. He's a good-looking dude.

And just like that, I sucked him. You know what the wacky, fun-loving ending to this is going to be his being going to be... Ian's going to get passed around by a firehouse. You're going to be Ian fucking your husband. This is our Christmas episode. So, Santa. Open relationship to me is like, we all know people have done that shit. And you're opening the door to just like, if you're the dude, you're going to lose.

Do you know who I'm talking about? She was in a clip of yours in Pittsburgh. Yes, I do know. I do know. Yep. I chickened out. Yeah. I chickened out.

Because she was telling me all about it. I was like, I don't want to do that. Yeah. I was like, so you're going to tell your husband about this. And she said, yeah. And I was like, I don't, I don't like that. Yeah. I know.

By the way, if she didn't tell her husband, I would have been all in. If it was a secret. Oh, yeah. I love Sam pretending. I don't want them like sitting over two English muffins and a cup of coffee at the table. Like, you know what I did last night? Don't tell me.

You already have come on your face. Wipe it off that. Then go forward. It was weird to me. I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is nothing dumber to me than the moment right after a threesome when the other person is still there. Like, that's why I would never be into it.

It's just too stupid. Right. You just slam rotted both of them. and then one's just kind of hanging out. Do you think like ever, do you think sex is like a big Dick Johnson shirt? Probably. Yeah.

Ram jam! I've never, I've never been a threesome. It's, I would like to at some point, I have. And you liked it? Loved it. What did you snack after?

And was one person supposed to leave? Let me tell you. Afterwards, they fed me pizza in bed and told me how unfunny they thought Hans Kim was. And I was like, I'm going to come again. This is incredible. Who's Hans Kim?

He's a comic. Now, wait. What do you mean? They were fans of his or not fans? They were fans of like comedy. Oh, cool. You think I'm pulling threesomes with people that I can't be like, would you like tickets to the funny mode? Like, please.

That is a sad thing. You're texting the owner like, hey, can you comp these two people? And they're like, how do you know that? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Just take good care of them. Please, please.

Also, can I get the champagne hot tub or? Please. Wait, what's a devil's three-s? But you were supposed to go. You were the one that was supposed to leave. You had a snack and then you were sent on your way. Oh, it's your place. So they stayed and then left in the morning and I, like, walked him to the car.

And then the next night, because we did again. Yeah. Every threesome I've had, we've had a threesome. I've had a couple. Damn. Every threesome I've had, we've ran it back the next night. And you can never recreate the magic of the first night. Wow.

Someone always gets a little upset. Yeah. Was it two women? A devil threesome is one man. one woman. I've done a devil's threesome before. Yeah. But this was two women, me.

And the first... You're paying attention, too much attention to one of them. It was me and my aunt, my uncle. Because it was... That's a Delaware threesome. This is a Delaware three-way. Delaware threesome is a terrific... Delaware three ways when you fucking uncle and aunt.

We get molested by an uncle to aunt at a rest-up. Shout out Joseph Arbide and rest up. The third-sum is definitely like a threesome at like a glory hole in a planet fitness. That's an Ian style threesome A nice fucking Delaware drive-by He's been to a glory hole, right? You've been to one. Of course.

The way he said that like it was the Great Wall of China. You said that like you went to go see Earth, Wind, and Fire, or something. It was very casual. Oh, yeah, I've been to a glory hole. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have the tour shirt. How was the glory hole? I wouldn't go again.

You gave it a bad yelp rating? Yeah, bad yelp rating. Not my kind of scene. Where was your Worst group on ever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It puts a group, a group on it, not in a good way. Worst Glory Hole ever.

I like that he spent to one to worst of 10. Well, there's multiple. Of course, yes. Whatever. Yeah, where was it? Where was the worst glory hole ever? Dude, oh my God. One time I was coming back from one at like 7 a.m.

And I saw Joe Bartnick in the street. And he was like, hey, what's up? Where are you coming from? I was like road gig Road gig I was on the road Leave me alone I love that Ian also lies like he's in a relationship he's like I went to one

One's and he's like oh of all of them let me Let me try to narrow it down Well there's a lot there's on 8th Avenue There's well there used to be there used to be a whole Hookup The good old days right but of course Juliani came along and pushed him to the west side Motherfucker

That piece of shit That motherfucker but yeah they're in all the sex shops On 8th Avenue and you go in the back and you can pay money and yeah, yeah. And when was your lap? Pretending that you went to one, she's your favorite of the ones you hypothetical. Well, my last one.

What makes a bad one so bad? The hole. Yeah. It was a bad penis that went in there. The sun is up. No, like, I would think it would start and end with the cock that comes through the hole.

I mean, whoever came up with the glory hole was an optimistic fellow, for sure. Oh, yeah. You're just sticking your dick in drywall and hoping for the best, really. You're hoping, at best, a mouth. at worst, like a table saw or something.

Or like a bird. Do the people, the suck dick side, do they see the fuck mouth side? Well, it's kind of a comedy of airs because you're kind of like, are you? James, can we tee up some soft Christmas music for that? Yeah. It's kind of a who's on first. The Spider-Man meme. Yeah.

You, you, yeah. Damn, it's. So have you gone to the mouth side or the cock side? Well, it's not like, you know, um, road traffic. You don't go on like one side and the other comes in it. You kind of figure it out once you get in there. Oh, so it's a quick pre-glory hold chat about who's going to be the dick and who's going to be the mouth. There's no talking.

It's all eye contact. But how do you decide? But you're not, how can you make eye contact through the hole? I don't understand. Because you're in a dark. Because there's a hole, Rachel. Yeah. How big is it?

I thought I was just picking up for a cup. How did you want to look through binoculars? You put your eyes up to it. Oh, and then so what? One wink means. No. Well, you, there's all cruising culture of eye contact and kind of like looks and kind of, and kind of like behaviors

and you're in kind of like a dark area and it's in the back of like a porno shop and you just kind of wait around you like see a guy that catches your eye and you kind of give each other a look and you go in the thing and that's meeting it to meet a Republican senator very cool that's I met Strom Sermen

and then you or you just wait in the thing and someone comes in if you don't care about who the penis is attached to which that was never my thing you always cared Yeah. Then at the end? Don't like make your, like, that was never my thing.

Those people, those are dirty. Those anonymous blowers are dirty. I'm classy. Him judging them was amazing. Do you ever hang out with the glory whole person afterwards? No, I mean, you can, but it was more of like a more job less pleasure for me. More business less pleasure. I didn't know that it started in kind of like a mixer room and then you kind of like exited the party.

I thought you just walked up to the hole. That's what my grandma told me. She was reading me Hanukkah stories. There was always an Indian man cleaning up and he'd be like, no, no two people in the booth, single person in the booth. So he's mopping in, he's kind of the bouncer too. And he was selling a rose.

If you saw Sam, if you wanted to pick up, like you saw Sam in a gray's papaya and there's a glory hole across the street, what is the, what's the look? How about a different type of hot dog? He's saying if you saw me, Yeah, like what would be the look? Like, hey, Ian, what would he up to?

It's 2 a.m. Oh, um, you want to go check out a movie? You don't start ham boning. It's a lot of it. So it's all about the winks. There's no one classic glory hole phrase. Just because I don't want to, you know, bump against it by accident. I pick out my dry cleaning.

Next minute you know, I'm sucking off a stranger. I was just thinking of a female glory hole is so awkward. We were like, uh. Rachel's just bent over. there's a hole in the wall, she's getting pounded out. She's like, man, I really just wanted to pick up my suits. I only wanted to pick up my lady's stand-up suit. I was trying to get my Paula Poundstone Blazer.

How did I get eaten out like this? Yeah, it's not a real fun scene. You never feel good leaving. It's not like, you know. Are you dating someone now? No. And it's been like, I'll say probably 10 years since I've been to a glory hall. Oh, wow.

That's my construction site. It's been this many days. since our last accident. But we're hearing different from some of our callers. Can we go to... Can we go to Greg from Stad Island? He's lying.

That's good. Can we go for Guy in Ian's bedroom right now? I've had women I've dated punish me for so much less than going to glory holes. Oh. Yeah. Well, that's not really something I bring up in like a relationship or like, you know,

on a first date. Although I have, my first dates lately have been terrible with me like oversharing. Just like they're like, how are you? I'm like, terrible. I can't sleep. I sleep an hour or night. I keep getting sick.

Something's wrong with me. How was your Saturday? Like, oh, God. What's wrong with you? Are these with men or women? Because guarantee if they're with men, you just fuck them anyway. Like you could say everything.

Well, I go for effeminate guys. So all the guys I go for end up acting like women. And I'm like, I thought we were going to bro out. Why are you getting upset that? I'm not calling you. Interesting. You know? I haven't been a worry hole.

Oh, wow, Dan. I love that you've had notorious pigathons. I love that none of them are. I have had a, I have had, oh, pegathons? I think he said pegathons. No, Dan's dressed like he goes to a glory hole to rob the guys when they're getting their dicks up. You look like a glory hole burglar.

Your wife's going to like this video, 700 bucks. Pull up those pants and hand me that wallet, dude. That's what they used to do in Sanfran. They would have all these, the CIA would set up glory holes and shit to tape. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, that's how you get blackmail. Oh, wow.

Who knows how many young, promising Republicans you've blown in your life? I don't know. But I never knew what to do afterwards, so I would just put my mouth up to the hole and go, thank you. Like, one time I put my fist through and we fistponed. That's great. Wow. That's so funny that it's a blackmail. That's how Ian ended up in Turning Point.

Now he's got his own chapter. I guess I just flipped the wrong person at a glory hole. gay dudes really do have it they have a pretty good it's not bad no I don't know I mean some I think gay guys

that settled down and like live like a monogamous a wonderful life but like the hookup gay culture is like never ending you kind of age out of it

after after a little while and then it becomes like you're just like this wandering like guy you know I don't know yeah I know I know what older gay guys

where it's just older gay couples where it's just hand jobs that's it like open Some of them are open, but mostly they're just like, yeah, we just give each other hand jobs. Because why?

It hurts too much at this point? I guess it's just too much of an ordeal. If you, like, have varicose veins or, you know, girdle and you're trying to take it. Girdle, what's girdle? I guess the pressure of being, like, having a workout all the time is rough. But then having that option at the gym is also cool. Yeah, I think, I feel like the immediacy factor is great. But, like, as a woman, I wouldn't want to be in that world because already I feel like, you know, you have to work out hard enough.

to keep your body and check. Like, I feel like if I was dating gay guys, it would just be sort of just an irrational level of anorexia that even I could. Oh, yeah, I mean, like, dude, so many gay guys are like, on the apps, you'll, like, send a picture. You're, like, talking sexy, and then you send a picture of your body, and they're like, no.

My friend, you know, Elliot Glazer, I think he has a bit on it, but he did it where he, he, like, went to, went to an orgy, and they, like, look through the thing, and they just are like, nope. They just said it. Fuck. That would definitely happen to me.

Also, I feel like gay men know more about how to be a woman than women do usually. Like, they know, like, they know your errors. And we're straight guys. I'm like, oh, they're not going to notice any of my, like, half of my nonsense, you know? No. So you can kind of get away with more with straight guys because they just want to be inside of anything most of the time. That's true. Yeah, they're going to, like, look past some of my horseship, but a gay man is not.

He'll see all my foulness. Yeah, you think he's going to accept my fucking sack of a bag? No, he's not only does he know it's Chanel, but he knows it's fucking, you know. He's disgusted. He's disgusted. He still knows it's like, yeah, third tier Chanel. It's not even real vintage. I imagine early 40s.

You guys are like 40, early 40, but like that's, you guys are the best at picking up women. Because I feel like you've aged enough, but you're not an old man. You're like writing that. Were you late 30s, early 40s? Oh, I'm still on them. That's the killer. That is the killer demo for a guy. What?

Late 30s, early 40s. You think? Maybe even to late 30s. late 40s, yeah. Really? I feel like Sam is a real Puss wizard. I don't know.

A Puss wizard. Yeah, I don't know what that word means. That's how the middle ages described a gynecologist. A puss wizard, you say. Bring him in. I'm like your numbers are pretty solid. I don't know.

You clean up well. It's okay. Alicadabra, Zipakazam. You're going to get fucked by a guy named Sam. Is that a ham? I'm sorry. Puss wizard.

Hello. That is two words I could never imagine coming together, Rachel. I love it. I will say that I feel like no matter how much ass you get, if you're a comedian and whatever cocktail of damage most of us are, like it's never going to be enough, you know. I'm not happy. Yeah, it's not going to fix anything.

I'm not unhappy either. I'm in the middle. I'm good. Yeah, I'm like medium. I also feel like if you have a certain window in your past where you didn't get enough steady stream of ass. If that puss window wasn't full, no matter how much ass you get later in life,

you're always going to feel some sort of resentment for that puss window in high school or whatever it was. That is true. Resonement or regret? I think for some guys resentment, and so it doesn't matter how much, yeah, you're always going to feel like your pussy doesn't count because it wasn't in that critical window.

You meet some of those dudes who are like super handsome and get a ton of ass and they just hate women still. And you're like, what's your being? you're so angry. Yeah. It seems like it's going great, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my theory is that they were fat in high school or something, or there was some sort of puss window that they're holding resentment about. Do you know what I'm talking about, Dan? Well, I mean, there's definitely, I definitely, I definitely know. I mean, there's definitely a couple that I was like, ah, I blew that one. I blew that one. Right. That's just Ian at the fucking glory hole.

Anyway, but. You want to go? Ah, I blew that one. No, no, Dan was always fearless. I remember, I remember Dan, I were on the subway once and you was just, you just hit on a woman. I was like, that, you got balls. Yeah, well, I don't think it worked, but it didn't work. And then we were stuck in a train with her, and it was pretty unpleasant.

But I still respected your balls. I was like, it was impressive. What did you say to her? What did you do? Probably something, you know, I do Ochi's Lounge. I don't fucking know. No, but I mean, I don't know what I said. Probably something great.

It's been so long since I've been out there. Like, that, that, me is so dead. Yeah. You know. But it was impressive, dude. Well, in the wildest stuff. But yeah, but you were class. about it. I've never, like, there are guys with, like, there are guys at Sam's level who are like,

more disgusting. You know what I mean? And that's like, Sam just look like a class act. Thank God for his friends. It's a classier. He's not like, you know, just fucking throwing a, what's the, what's the, a krill net out there, you know? Well, there have been some krill nights. They're sure.

There's been some, the later of guess, you're like, fucking break out the net. Let's see what we can catch. He's no Norman back of the day. I mean, Norman had like a toothless Uber driver one night. We were like, it was the middle of Kansas City. I almost threw up. I'm like, you're going to do this? Norman's like, why not?

Yeah. This is long ago. Mark Cameron, five stars. Come on. No, but I do feel like Sam, it's true has, you do have a better way, like give a smoother way of going about it. I've been out at a bar with Sam before, though, and a girl just came up, hit on him. and it really hurt because she was so sure it was me and him and Anthony

she was so sure I wasn't a problem you know that she didn't like she just assume she's like you're not with him or anything and I was sitting there with a foul second yeah yeah she's like you don't deserve love right and then she just passed Sam her number and I've never felt like just less of a woman

than that moment she's like there's no way I mean he's had some success in life he wouldn't want anything to do with her body in any way yeah she was short super young though that girl she was young I don't know how that I remember that mitigates the insult

Sam you like you would just I would just want to go up to you and be like let's have a cocktail like you seem like a classy drink guy and like you're more like Hey you look like you have a schlitz in your pocket Yeah I want to do a bump at a greyhats station Yeah yeah yeah I'm more of that guy

I love all bars though I love I love I love I love a cocktail spot I'll get fucked up anywhere I never had a martini What really? I never in my life had a Oh well sugar let's make That makes that happen right now. Martini's are great because they fuck you up. They fuck you up.

They're served in this like you would love like kind of a dainty feminine glass but it's like pure liquor. Well, you said you like kind of twink eyes. No, it's true because didn't you give me a martini like one of my first martinis the other night and then it got really fucked up. Was that a martini?

No, that was a paper plan. Oh, that was stronger than I was. You're both sober. No, say it, Dan. Come on. No, no. It's not going to be funny. It would have only been funny at that moment.

I know a place they can serve you a martini in a twink. See, it doesn't work now. It was three beats ahead. It would have been fine. I'm so glad it didn't work. I know. I know. You fucking threw me out to fucking die at there.

Dan texted people before the show and said, I'm dressing up and looking nice. You better look nice too. Yeah, this is. He dressed up. This isn't bad. Yeah. I'm trying to, I'm working on shit. I love that.

He said that was dressing up. That's amazing. But you both look nice. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a Tony Soprano, you know, Gumba. Yeah, the jacket. Yeah, the jacket. So great.

Great fucking episode. Have you, can you hit on somebody like that? Just like a stranger or something? I don't, I don't hook up with people at bars or anything because I don't drink. So I don't fuck with people they've been drinking. So I'm not like a bar guy. How about a seven train? I'm talking about bars here.

Just like a stranger. Flushing? Seven guys have run a train on him, yes. Where do you meet people? You meet them on the apps? Instagram DMs. That's a big one. Out at like shows.

Like music shows. Or sometimes at like coffee shops. I've met people. But that's like it. So you will stroll up to a stranger. I mean, if the conversation's going well. But I've also like totally missed signals. Like one time I was getting my hair cut.

and I thought the chick, the barber chick was like into me. And I was like, hey, it's really fun. Can I get your number? We could hang out. I'd like to go on a date. And she's like, I'm married. I'm sorry. And I was like, oh, that's totally fine.

I'll just keep coming every month until you get divorced. No big deal. But you didn't look for a ring before? She didn't have a ring on. Fuck. That's on her. That is on her. That's totally.

Yeah, she's a suspicious little horror. But I'm also very, I'm also very. I'm also very fine with like trying and getting rejected and be like, oh, okay, I gave it a shot. In a bar, it doesn't hurt as much because I feel like you're out, you're mingling. But in the wild, I think I'd be like, oh, I suck. Well, I feel like in bars, they're getting hit on so much that it's just like you're like taking a number tag at the deli like waiting for the next one. You guys also just have like pus delivered and teed up for you guys at shows because girls hit on you after shows.

I'm not saying it, James is laughing. I'm not saying like delivered like an Uber eats or something. I'm just saying that like... But it should be. It should be delivered like an Uber Eats. That's what... Someone get on it. Gay dating apps are.

You literally can order whatever you have that if you want. Tie? Like, female headliners could have that if that's what they want it. It's just more dangerous. You guys are just scared of getting murdered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why you get over your little fears? But it is funny.

Brittany Spears is doing whatever, like, drunk rich guy has ever done where it's like, I'm married to my Equinox Fit instructor now. I do respect it. I do got to respect it. I'm like, oh, this is like a drunken guy thing to do. Not only that she's dancing with knives and I'm like, yeah, I still roll the dice. Why not?

Oh, yeah, for sure. Now, she's hotter now. Yeah, but she's crazy. She's clearly like lithium nuts. Like she's just freshly out of a lithium case. Everyone seems free Brittany. Like we see like, yeah, the dad was doing something that was necessary. Yeah, lock them back up.

She needs to be in the cage. That was so funny. Within 24 hours, everybody had candles swaying with their lighters. Like free Britney. And they freer and they're like Poops the Deney. It feels like the beginning of a sci-fi where it's like, we freed Brittany

and we were wrong, we were so wrong. You know, close the hatch. She's coming in like twirling a fucking machete at her labia or whatever the fuck. Yeah, she's had some chapters, man. Didn't she shave her head? Yeah, yeah, that was the beginning. That was like how it started.

Yeah, we're like, is this for a movie? And she's like, no, I'm just crazy. We're like, oh, all right. But these dudes are hot. I will say, like, she's like, these guys are, don't give me a look, a homophobic. What dude are hot? Who's hot? Who's hot?

Who's hot? Like, Britney Spears are, like, the new guy. The trainer? Yeah, trainers are usually hot. They're all, like, bimboes. I agree with you. Kevin Fed always did it for me, personally. Yeah, he would like that.

Oh, yeah. That's like Annie Wedderman's type, too. It's like a con, I think it was a comedian. No, no, I'm kidding. I thought he was absurd, but now I find out what everyone feels about me. But, no, I thought he was a foolish man. No, I can't, first of all, I can't be able to... What's bad about KFed?

Who should a guy? No, I think, like, I think, like, just, just physically, he's a good looking, perfectly good-looking person. I just don't like any guy that wears, like, outfits like that. Like, I shouldn't be able to remember what a man wears. You know, if I remember your outfit, it was a bad outfit. I don't want a series of sassy risks or balloon pants and fun-loving clown colors. It's absurd. Satsy risks.

Yeah. No, he did take risks. But he dressed, like, he took, like, lazy risks. Like, he was in, like, one. warm-up suits and stuff. Yeah, but that was this style of the time. Everybody was, like, a wigger and wearing, like, denim sweatpants. And that was, like, the cool look, you know?

Wigger was a thing. Yeah. That was huge. Dude. We didn't take enough in black people. We were like, we're going to take your culture as well. Oh, yeah. Just terrible.

It's really awful. So many. Yeah, but most guys skip some of those phases. I mean, I know what you're talking about, but I'm saying, I'm like, there's one. We all did it. All of us, Rachel. I blasted Notorious Big and pretended like it related to me.

No, I loved hip hop still do. You don't know my life, mom? No, seriously. Do you remember when Dre 2001 came out? Oh, my God. And I was like in my car like, oh, yeah. I was blinded on every badge at the bat mitzvist. I forgot about Dre, dude.

Don't you forget it. No, I still. I was prematurely coming to the next episode on some leg. Why is this guy rapping about my life? This is crazy. No, I'm still there. My intro. music is unacceptable.

I go out to like Mace feels so good. Dress like a fucking freshly divorced legal attendant. Start with my fucking suburban complaints about my life, but I glide on stage. I just really escaped the Diddy, he got out. You realize, didn't he become a minister for a few years? I think he did crushed. He did the Christian.

Yeah, he like turned into a priest. That's what, that's what partying with that guy will do to you. Yeah. I got to fucking do good for the world. Is everybody saying Jay Z isn't in that? Because did he, I mean, 50, 50 cent.

Oh, last week, he and Laura on the podcast, so he had to black it up. I didn't have to black it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You talked like fucking, like scatman crothers in that fucking episode. Don't fucking talk to me about. He's like, he's like, y'all think Fiddy is going to go add to Dittie? I said Fiddy.

I did say Fiddy. He goes, do you think Did he'll make a city-style documentary about Fiddy? We're like Fitty. We're going to open it like a Cat Williams said. All right. I said, I just say, Fini.

San Jermaine's swirling around some Cavasier. What is did it such a wankster? That was pretty good. That was a pretty good cat, man. As Black Sandsko, that was tremendous.

Damn. I, dude, I skipped being a wigger in high school. I never really got into rap or anything. Like, thank God I had, like, punk rock and, like, hardcore and that kind of stuff. That's like the subculture I went to.

And all the kids I knew that were wiggers, I knew them as like friends when we were younger, and then when they changed to wiggers, like I would still act like we were like old, like, I went up to this kid and I was like, hey, uh, he came to school with an earring and whatever, this is a different

time, but I was like, hey, you know, the only people that, uh, that, that have earrings are, uh, faks and pirates. And he goes, I'm a fucking pirate, yo. I see that, uh, peered on my shoulder. I was like, oh, shit. I'm sorry, Brian. We used to get along.

You gave him it out, dude. But I missed the wig. He was a Somalian pirate. He was a black pirate, dude. I missed the wigger phase. I also love that Ian's missing the wicker face. It's just him calling random people f***. Well, I have one of the way.

What you did was worse. Wait, by the way. You're not just missing a genre like, you're like, hey, you f***. That is basically being like, that's a real tenon of wicker. When you're done, when you're done talking about this, have you talked yet about, you know, the issue that you had with text, speaking of that word? What? Well, you're wearing a word. You guys were texting back and forth.

Oh. I was trying to fucking seamless transition to you, but that was terrible. That was horrible. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just. I had to work on it, guys. I had to get gully with a motherfucker. Oh, my.

Can we play some soft Christmas music again for this morning? That's, uh... Is that bad? No, it was actually a pretty good voice. It was a good impression. That's what I was trying to say. I miss that whole phase, but I've like, I've somehow kept, like,

I could do a really good blank sir. I don't know. I guess there's coming up. He's on the phone with this agent. Are there any black voiceover work I could get? I'm looking to take jobs from black people. Please, please go back to your too short voice. I cannot get up with this.

Talbot. Tell us about Atlanta. What was it all like? I want to know how dangerous Atlanta was. What happened with your landlord? Oh, let me tell you, child, this is a terrible to ages. Oh, no. God damn it, dude.

If you pick it up what I'm putting down, you're slamming up, slamming around. I'm picking up a burning cross the way you're talking. Dad, you foolishness. No, I didn't have heat for three days. My heat went out Saturday. My landlord did not get back to me, wasn't responding to emails, nothing. So I tried to hire like an outside guy to come and take a look. And that turned into a whole ordeal.

And they were supposed to come Saturday night. Kept kicking the can down the street. Didn't come Saturday night because I had to go and do sets. So we would come in. Person is coming on Saturday night. That's insane. Well, it's like a 24 hour like repair service. All right.

So I called it three. And he's still a Jew, remember, no matter what culture he's adapting. He still demands service within 10 hours. So to slam it down. Be here quick. He's still in his black sand going, you obviously don't know who my daddy is. My daddy owns this town.

So you best be on your motherfucking way. Did he just say Lord with an AW? Lord. He's like, remember I control the media bitch. Oh, man. You was a black Israel light as my face. She's got the Israelite part down. Was oh, my Edomites?

No, this was a tough time for Ian, like, in the last few weeks. His food stamps were cut off by this civil administration. I just, I want you to get, I would just want you to get to the part of what you called this guy because it was the funniest thing that I've ever. Yes, please. And also tell us the story about what happened with you because I know you were in the original Central Park 5. So we go. Just flesh that out after, if you don't mind.

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After your purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them being Ian with Jordan sent you. Yeah, I'm sorry, man. Sorry, your profile. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. It's hot out here for a little pim. No, I, shut up, James. I, uh, oh, so the guy was supposed to come at six, I call him at three.

He's like, earliest we can get there is six 30. I'm like, great. Six 30 rolls around. Sorry, 7.15. Okay, 7 o'clock. 7.30 comes around. 8 o'clock. I call him at 8.

I'm like, what's going on? He's like, 845, sorry. And I'm like, look, I got work at like 915. He goes, well, can you be late? Can you not go? And I'm like, because of you? What are you talking about? So he's like, look, I'll get guys to come out Sunday morning, 9 o'clock.

I'm like, great. 9 o'clock rolls around. Still, no one's here. These guys come at 9.45. Ian's like, I've turned down two glory hole appointment. This is ridiculous. Yeah, yeah. They're waiting for a hole in a spot in New York comedy club.

They're waiting for me at the wall. And so they show up at 945 and they come down. Did they page you when they got there? What? Did they page you when they got there? Shut up. Sorry, I'm sorry. And so they, the guys are Chinese and they barely speak English, and I bring them downstairs, which isn't, it's New York, whatever.

That's fine. Just don't impersonate them. You're already. Oh, get ready. And they sounded a little something like this. Hold up. You get my glasses and my buck teeth. Please.

so Ian has an S&L edition next week You some have a book in living color But Go ahead So they They get down here and they're like Hot water heater We don't understand

I'm like no I'm telling you like my heat's not working And they start looking at a hot water heater I'm like no not so they call the guy And they're like no boiler hot water heater And I hear the guy in the phone who I've been talking to going, oh shit, hot water here. I don't know. Just move some wires around and get the hell out of there.

And then he, he, I take the phone. I go, wait, wait. So what exactly are they going to fix? And he's like, they're going to fix it. Don't worry. It's going to be $800. And I go, $800 for what? Can you just tell me what's going on?

He goes, what are you worried about? They're going to fix your heat. My guys are good. They know what they're doing. I go, cool. Just let me know specifically what they're doing and why you're charging me this. And he goes, $400, okay? That's great.

I don't know. I go, tell me what you're going to fix. And he goes, why are you being such a little girl? Whoa. Because I heard you tell the guy to move some wires, you don't know what's going on. And to get the hell out of there. I was like, you're a fucking fraud. You're trying to fucking take money from you.

Fuck you. And he was like, oh, so I guess you don't want heat. I go, I love this, Ian. Now I'm hard. I go, I'd rather fucking freeze the death and give you a fucking dollar for jerking me around for two days. Fuck you. Yeah. And he goes, why don't you go work at night?

because last night he couldn't come because I didn't work at night and I go suck of my dick and then we hang up and he starts texting me and he goes like a little girl bitch and moan all night and then today nothing and this is like dirty talk for you normally I know exactly yeah I know he cannot keep you fucking little girl

you're gonna come you little bitch you fucking little girl I'm frantically looking for my drag he keeps confusing all his text streams you'll fuck him on the wrong one again fuck the chinese guys are super confused you like you fucking girl i'll come all over you what he's like how does my cuff taste his mom's like well happy hana you too ian sorry where were we draddle draddle so he and i just go back and forth and he's like

he's like you don't you don't deserve heat like stay cold and i was like you fucking you piece of shit. I was like, are you Italian? I was like, you are Italian, you fucking sauce gorilla. Fuck you. And I was like, I was like, oh, he pasta sauce out of your mother's snatch, you fucking saw that. Tarantino's listening like, I gotta use that somewhere. That's

a good slur. He runs into like a telephone booth, like in Superman. Like it immediately. And he goes, he was like, well, I called him a sauce girl like after he goes, you Williamsburg, Williamsburg dagger, I mean, do you suck dick and I was like I was like you fucking sauce gorilla go

you pasta sauce out of your mother snatch mama me I run a gay abyss I'm a fucking a retard why do you guys just how long did this go for? A little while but then then my landlord would not still not call

this is a Jewish voice yeah let's hear all out of hearing during this time in you're late than your rent a in My landlord is a Puerto Rican woman. Oh, okay. And she sounds like this.

You're stupid. So, dude, she would not come over. And they're trying to tell me like... It's probably because you called her a sauce gorilla by accident. No, because I was like, all right, suck it. Oh, wait. Yeah, where do you end it with this other guy? You just trashing each other?

That was like the last thing we said. All right. So then... There's definitely a chapter of that entire story that we have not heard. There's no way it ramps up that fast. I'll share the text exchange. It's crazy. Sauscarolla is wild.

Please share. I mean, that's a great. It was like worth it. Please share the text exchange at the very end of the episode. Sauscarola is the greatest Italian story I've ever heard in my entire life. I love it. It's merch, man. Dude, we had an incident on a flight recently, Veter and I.

We're going to, uh, we're going from New York to Denver to Reno. And on the connection to Reno, it's fucking Thanksgiving weekend. Of course, we have to de-playing. There's always shit. So you have to get off, you know, everyone row by row. This fucking guy and his kid start pushing their way through, like pushing the way through old people being assholes. 15-year-old kid pushing. And I see this guy, I'm like, look at this fucking asshole of Vita.

I'm going to box him out. So I box him out. I get in front of him. He's annoyed. And then Veter tries to box him out too. He gets in front of Veter. Veter's fucking fighting with the dad. So, you know, no one's going to a connect flight.

We're deplaning. And Gary goes, do you mind? I'm trying to get my bag. And the guy goes, yeah, I do mind. They start going at it. And I just look back. And the guy, oh, I hear the guy, go, what did you call me? And Veter goes, a dickhead.

And I was like, what the fuck's happening? So I was like, I was like, what happened? He's like, this guy's a fucking asshole. So I was like, all right. So I was like, I got you. I got your back. And Veter keeps, the guy keeps turning back. And he goes, you're going to stop, McGarrier's goes, you're going to stop turning back?

And it keeps getting heated. And then Carrie's, look at each other. And I was like, whatever, dude, there's two of us. And then a guy behind us goes, there's three of us. Oh, that's awesome. Clean unity, dude. Finding a stranger who's an ally in a street argument is nothing better. It was huge.

And everyone hated the father and son. Yes. It was pretty satisfying. Dude. Amazing. Peter's a fucking wild card. I love him. Oh,

that's amazing. Oh, yeah, man. He's like a secret wild child, Gary. Nobody ever backs up my reality whenever I'm in a situation. I always get the opposite where somebody sides against me for no particular reason. That is. As your reality. That is.

Why don't you accept my reality? What? That's fair. That's a fair note, but I mean, like, sometimes I feel. There's the reality. There's no my reality. No, but I'm just saying that I feel like a lot of times I'm completely in the right, but I still doubt myself because I see it. You do.

That is true. Yeah, but like, like I was like on the train on the way home one night and this guy starts kind of like whatever, like touching me. Like that. And he was smashed out of his mind. Like shit house drawn. I'm not like forgiving him for his. worthless sort of drunken smear fondling. Well, you know, Andrew Pomo took that loss hard.

But he just, like, kind of reached out, like, you know, and again, again, I'm not, again, not trying to identify with the perpetrator, but he was definitely so, so, like, shit-faced. What race was he? White guy. He was so shit-faced. Sorry, I tried to say up there. Sorry, Ian. And I was trying to, like, I was just trying to, like, imagine. I could tell he was so shit-faced.

He didn't know where he was, but still, I'm like, you can't fondle me. And so then he kind of reached out And sort of like went like that And then I was like, excuse me Excuse me stop like grabbing I said it really loud so that the train would be on my side But they both kind of just everybody else on train Looked to me like this is obviously something between the two of them

Like I want to hear his side too I'm like what the fuck he's smash So then the next stop right Like I realize oh fuck it's my stop He gets out first And then I followed him outside So now it looks like I fucking wanted it the whole time Like it looks like some naughty little game

So far I'm on this guy's side Yeah yeah I gotta be honest I feel like this story could really turn tragic at any moment, so I'm, like, kind of waiting, you know. No, he went like this. He, like, drunkenly. That's fucking insane. Absolutely disgusting.

Yeah. Can you not take a compliment? I don't understand. I'm not. These guys, into you. That's insane that he fucking touched. I didn't know this. Then, it was a long time ago.

It's awful. Honestly, I'm not, I'm not saying it's okay, but, like, of the stuff that's happened to me in New York, it's not true. It's not giving me up at night, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've seen many a day. People, like, remember what people would announce a flag?

Like it was a big deal. Like there's a flasher on the loose. Like you're getting flashed every other day in New York. I've never. I've seen people fucking, but obviously I've never. Of course, because I'm presenting them.

Yeah, I've never seen one. So many. Usually they're directed more towards women, I got, but I saw a guy jerking off on the sidewalk outside of a venue. It was like, yo, man,

what the fuck are you doing? There's people walking around. There's a park right over there. And he's like, you're right. And he got to go, it went to the park. Wow.

You're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, it's funny that, like, you know what I always think about with flashing and mooning? So we were told that there was, like, I remember my mom sitting on my bed, like, and, like, telling me this real sinister voice that there was a flasher on the loose and me thinking,

already it's funny just because anything on the loose is funny. And then, but then I was thinking, anybody being on the loose is hysterical. I also said I was going to dress up like a flasher for Halloween. My mom should have been like, no, but she was like, I think that's fantastic. You're like, I just wore like a yellow raider. coat and like a bikini and I was like 14 and my mom was like I think it's fun but I was thinking like nobody would ever say that about like

a mooner nobody would ever alert you that a mooner's on the loose because mooning is like 13 year old shit yeah moon is more innocent like summer at porkies yeah don't you feel like mooners must be a little jealous of how seriously flashes got taken though I have had that moment though on a subway Rachel where like somebody does something ridiculous

and I look at him and then I like look at somebody else like I'm gonna get I'm gonna get what you got on the plane like backup but they're just They just like immediately avoid eye contact. That's true. Okay, now I guess I'm the fucking guy. Yeah, I even know. I even talked to somebody after I got off the plane and I was lightly fondled.

I like went up to this stranger that saw the whole thing and I was like, hey, do you mind walking me in my corner because that guy just kind of like touched me? And I'm like, and he was like, no, that's between you guys. I'm like, I don't fucking know him. He's my assaulter. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's not a naughty little sex game we're playing. Yeah.

That is crazy. That's the opposite of see something, say something what he did. Yeah, there's so many pieces of shit Even on the train here There's a piece of shit Just watch Just doing the doom scrolling Full volume like loud as possible

Everyone But we got the eye contact with everyone like Yeah yeah That's all you want is the people to be like this fucking Yeah yeah you want that this thing That's awful What did that happen Rachel? I love that you were like nearly assaulted

I'm like there was a guy not wearing headphones on my train I know that was an amazing comparison It's crazy that he touched your hair like that I mean he went like that He gave me like a It was like a face rake I'm not saying that I'm not I'm not currently traumatized by it now it's just a story

I was more I was more annoyed that that everybody wouldn't believe that that was the problem I was like come on could somebody believe this happened that it's not a naughty little game we're playing that guy was drunk and he's like uh and then he stumbles off what's even more despicable I think is someone going and I don't give a fuck like to not protect you and help you when you're asking for help

dude that is such low down Pulled one once. Like I remember Ian and I were just chatting outside the cellar once. We were like on the corner by the subway and this guy was visibly annoying this girl. Like something was wrong with him. And Ian just kind of read it perfectly snuck right in and went, hey, it's so good to see you. And she was like, oh, she could tell her. She's like, oh, thank God.

And that'd be so great if you turned into a scumbag neck. I think, no, Ian like saved the day. I was like, that's a fucking good dude. Wow. That's amazing. If I did that, I would tell that story. And look at you, just not saying anything. No, I was like that.

That's a solid guy. You're a true gentleman. And I was like, was that like before you went to the glory hole or right after? That's amazing. He saw that guy at the glory hole later. On the way to the glory hole, you rescue women. That is a tremendous hero. There's like a little bat signal at a glory hall.

And he's like, fuck, finish up. I got to get to something. That would be a great fun-loving Christmas comedy. I'm sorry, but you are a great hero for a movie. A guy that saves women on the way. and freshly from Gloria Hall. Like Gloria Hall 34th Street? I do like it, a complex hero.

Yeah, yeah. He's about to finish and he's just like, oh, my page, you went off again. I'm sorry, baby. Oh, sorry, baby. We can finish his later. Stay right with y'all. I'm saving this load because there's a bitch that needs me.

You know that guy, you know Kevin Allison? him using the stage. I know the name. Yeah, yeah. He would, like, he told us on our pocket. This was like 15 years ago, but he, like, waited. He would fucking unlock his door in complete leather with just, like, a hole for his mouth and, like, talk to a stranger and then have that guy come in. And, like, part of the turn on was knowing whether or not he was going to fuck you or rob you.

Like, that got you more into it, I guess. The danger. Wow. So apparently Francis Bacon met his husband or his boyfriend. The guy was trying to break him. Yeah, yeah. He was trying to break in. steal from his from his studio and francis like want to just hang out this makes me feel so stable

like a guy that needs to have the potentiality of being freshly robbed to come is wild yeah that's a potential robber i've never been there no although i did go to a guy's house one time that said he would be naked edging in the bed and he'd leave the door open for me and i was like all right it was in like the marsy projects and i was like okay so i brought a knife and i just walked into the building and then walked in and I opened the door and it was completely dark and I just took the knife and I was going like I was like hello this is just insane of a story oh yeah this is no I was about to judging the other guy you got a weapon to a hookup you got to protect yourself you just said it wasn't insane and you were slashing in the dark yeah there's no tear between

these two events I'm stupid too I remember you know that Rachel know this story but I remember I remember I one time met a girl I went to her place and it was second date and I was a second date and I went in and we start fooling around. She starts blowing me and she was like, I hope my roommate doesn't catch us. I was like, yeah, me too. Let's go to your bed. And then she goes, no, I want him to catch us.

And I was like, I think I'm being set up here. She starts blowing me in the other room. The guy's just there the whole time. I've been set up. And he swung the door up. It was like fucking crazy. And I was like, uh, to rob you? No, I thought they wanted it.

It was like a three-some of weird king. I think they were turned on by like scaring the person. Right. And, uh, and I was like, uh, All right. So he was like, are you in? I was, my dick was in her mouth. I was like, uh, no.

This is not what I signed up for. I was very corporate. And I was like, this is not, this is not acceptable. No, I left. I was, I was scared.

But were you pulling it out of her mouth when you answered him? Or were you waiting to see how the cards played themselves? I was like, I had like a semi at that point. I was kind of like semi hard. But yeah, I mean, I was, he was a scary looking dude. He was, I mean, like, give me like two or three minutes and I'll get out of here. I know.

I remember telling a couple people that were like, I would have just done it but I was like, nah, it's not my thing. I would, you can do something like that

if you're, if you're privy to it prior, but to spring that on you is crazy. Oh my God, if I set a woman up like that, my fucking career would be over. Oh, dude, you could never set someone up like that.

Sam is a victim, you guys. I'm a victim. You know what? In this scenario, I didn't come. I think I am a victim. Oh, Sammy. I heard Penn and Teller used to do that.

I'm just joking. That is not true. No, it was fucking crazy, dude. It was, uh, I called you after because you were pissed to me for going. You called me before and I told you not to go too. I was like, Sam, do not go to a stranger's house to get blown. And I had to

man's play and like, you don't understand. This is what we have to do as men sometimes. It's hard out here. I mean, I remember one time like, you know, Sean Donnelly, he was like, he's like, you cannot meet up with this girl. She's fucking insane. You cannot meet up with her. This is you're going to put your life in dinner.

And Dan's dick gets so hard. He gets up and puts the phone. bags of phone up for him well no I immediately showed it to him and he just goes you gotta meet up with her as soon as he saw the picture as soon as he saw what she went to he's like yeah you gotta go what happened

we hooked down they're married other hands can be a turn I'm always just turned on by someone who's a bit chaotic I went through something so horrifically bad with someone who at first was like well they're crazy and then it was like they have the medical bracelets to prove it yeah that I can no longer

Any second I see like unhinged, I'm like, goodbye, I can't. I just, I ignore it. I remember I was with a girl once and there was like 12 different prescription pills on her counter and I was like, this is fine. And I just full steam ahead. Me too. I remember at one time I totally sold, Jim Norton doesn't know this, but I totally sold him out because I hooked up with a girl. And she was like crazy. She goes, yeah, sometimes I just want to, I love Jim Norton.

I just want to drive by a van and just fucking bring me into the van and just take him. And I go, yeah, you should do that. I was like, you should tell him you like, because I was like, I'm going to run. Sorry, Jim, you can't afford the security. I fucking can't. And that is why Jim uses an alias for the seller because of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is way after that.

Well, maybe not. His alien is, is the, is the, that abused. Yeah. That's how sick comedians are. Shut the fuck. That's how sick comedians are. Yeah, that's funny, man. He uses the name of like a, of, a,

Abusive. Saw it and laugh because they're all sick fucks. They're all so God damn. That's amazing. It's amazing to have that friendship with someone though

that you're like yeah this will make him crack out. That's incredible. Comedians are yeah. I mean there's some of it. Yeah. It's just I mean we were like Dave Juskow brought like

Hanukkah candles to the cellar and we were like singing like the blessings and then Keith Robinson just walks by he's like the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not replace us. Happy Hanukkah everybody. That's awesome. Yeah, no, I mean, nobody's well.

No one's okay. No, that ship is, I also zoom past every red flag with men. Yeah. No, I just, I like, if a guy has a rage problem, I'm like, hey, come to my place for Christmas. Yeah, that's true. I helped you move out a couple of those dudes places. Yeah. No, I dated one guy that had like, insane.

Oh, I hated him. I hated that guy. He was so jealous. He would always accuse me of cheating. but like in the afternoon. First of all, I'm like, who's getting blown at like a CVS at like 3 p.m? It's you. It's me also.

I'm like the prudest person ever. Yeah, that's the craziest craziest part of it. No, I hated that guy. And Rachel insisted on me having a friendship with him. She's like, it's important you go out for a drink with this guy. Well, he insisted on it because he was jealous of my friendship with Sam, but sorry. And then we had drinks and I was like, oh, this guy's a drinking problem too. Fun.

Not just a rage problem. I'm just watching him down like nine Jamison's. And I'm like, all right. I remember he hugged me like tightly. I'm like, I do not like this guy. Oh, dude, one of the... I just figured I was like, maybe he'll stop putting spyware on my phone

if you just can go out for one whiskey with Sam and they can talk about the Knicks. I don't fucking know. And I'll tell you another thing, he was a fucking fairweather sports fan, which they're always the worst fucking people. What do you mean? They're just, you can't trust them.

Nothing's real about them. You're rooting for every team. You're rooting for only easy wins. You're not going to work on anything in your life. One of the worst is a Cowboys fan. Well, but like a Cowboys, Yankees. He's Lakers fan. That's what it is.

It's like you're a fucking, you're, you're not going to work on anything. That should have been the red flag to me, you know, not him, not him choking me. I'm just kidding.

I'm like, you used to like the dolphins. He's joking. What's going on now? What are your loyalties? He would shake with, he would shake with rage. There was something with that guy

where I was like, I hated him from the jump. Oh, it's terrible. One time I just walked in home, and there was one light on in the house, and he had like a, like a cab receipt of mine

that he found like a taxi cab receipt and he's like, it doesn't add up with you nothing adds up with you he was just like holding a receipt with the shaking hand and I was just like jingle bells so you forget shit I know nothing adds up with me is a

separately true statement like I'm like teaming with 80s and look at my bag that doesn't mean I'm a whore he's right it doesn't mean your whore it means like you were probably they're probably in a fucking McDonald's somewhere or some shit yeah exactly yeah there's a good hoary

You would never be able to pull off an affair even if you wanted to because you're two. I leave a debit card there. Exactly. Yeah, the same reason I couldn't murder somebody. I'd leave like a debit card. There'd be blood everywhere. It'd be a fucking mess. Did you hear, did you see that thing where it was on Instagram?

The guy who voiced Frost and the Snowman had like three different families, which I guess like you could do back. Voiceover used to pay well. Yeah, voice over. Yeah. That's more a statement about how fucking weak our unions is become. Being Frosty makes them much. Yeah. That's true.

Three families. That's fucking work. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's insane. That's a lot. Because you can't be good to any of them. Maybe you're good to one and you just ignore the other two.

No. If you've got three families, you're not good at you. I think it's fair to say you're bad. Yeah. I cannot imagine. Three is insane. Yeah. Yeah.

I think there's a least of his problems, like how to show tenderness to one of the parties. But that's a lot of all night fights. Like he's going to fight with all of them because they've all got to be mad at him. Well, that's why the family starts because you leave the one. You're like, this is terrible. You're like Kathy's on my ass. It really just turned into three people not fucking you. You're right.

Like eventually they're all pissed off. Yeah, you're right. I mean, is that like luck in a way that your dad is the voice of Frosty the Stone Man and you get all that Frosty of Snowman money? Well, which family's getting it? That's a fine point. I don't know if Frosty's the Snowman money was like Bob Hope money then. Was it?

Yeah, do you think that paid well? Who knows? I would think so. James, this is where you should be looking this up. I don't know. I mean, it's no Rudolph money, but... No Rudolph money. The Snowman has to be a nice hall, I would say.

Yeah. Well, he's doing the voice. He doesn't have the rights to, like, the character. I was the Michael's Yetty for Christmas last year. Like... It paid okay. It was nice. Are you for real?

Wait, wait. Are you serious? If you guys saw those ads, that was me. Wait, what were you? What did you do? Oh, you just said the voice? It was a giant jetty. Yeah, he went through the...

You didn't see these? No. You can find them on the internet. Are you serious? because you're more of a Yeti monster. Michael's Arts and Crafts? Michael's Arts and Crafts? I was the Yeti.

I keep asking, you guys bring the Yeti back this year, and they didn't. But I can really use some Yeti money right now. Wait, what was your phrase that you said for the Yeti? I forget I had a few of them like, oh, look he's white. I forget what I said.

It's something, it's me as, if you woke it up, James, you could find Michael's Yeti on there, no problem. People call me Yeti, abominable. But at my core, I'm a crafter. That's why I start the holiest. days at Michaels. Oh.

Thanks. I made it myself. We got a Yeti and Isle 4. Have you ever been blown it at Michael's Artsoncraft? It was actually me in the Yetty costume. I've been blown by a guy

named Michael after we did art to graphs. I don't think it was a big hit or else they would have brought it back. That's so funny. I'd love to see your head pop out through a cork board if it's any of any kind of cancellation.

I have. I did one that was I've done the Howard's that was embarrassing. Yeah, I just got. He was in the tutu. I got a tutu and I danced and I got shot with a fire hose off a stage. You do look, Dan does look very castable.

Like you look like the guy watching football that's like, can I just have five minutes before you fucking. That was an early joke. That was you don't look like a fan of football. You look like the guy who interrupts the town hall meeting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. Wait, what was the joke? That sounds hilarious.

I don't know. Yeah, I've done, I did like Jackson. I've done like a few commercial. I did like fucking some whiskey campaign like for Bushmills with Sean that ended up in like Tel Aviv. I remember that. And it was Kevin McCaffrey. Yeah, Kevin McCaffrey. He's so funny.

I love Kevin McCaffrey. Yeah, Kevin's great. But, uh, yeah, no, it was good money, but it wasn't like, that'd be so funny if you thought the Yeti guy money was going to be like Frosty the Snowman money and you just started cheating on your wife. Back in the day, commercial money, I think was life changing. Yeah. I remember Bobby Collins used to come by the seller and be like, this house in the village,

certs bought this house. Oh, my God. The breath saver search? He looks so rich. Every time I see a picture of Bobby Collins. It's because he had good teeth and a tan. Yeah, it's true. That's all it is.

That's all you fucking need, man. When you smile like that, you're either con artist or you're rich. Yeah, that's like I feel like it's one or the other. You're lying through your teeth or you're rich and you're that happy. Of all the things you need to fix in your life, teeth. Also, Vox, speaking of con artists, Voss always... Like a boss was always Like he's always covered in diamonds

Every time I see him But it always looks like old ladies diamonds Like it just he always has on like some elderly woman's necklace It looks like it was an heirloom He goes Yeah yeah we do Oh this guy was the fucking Oh this guy was the fucking

Was he hot? Was he hot? No He was like Dude he's huge You were like 300 paths. The wolf of Wall Street of cartoon voices. But did he have any rage issues?

Oh, yeah. Just beating you with a cornucat pipe. Wow. Three families addicted to Kulud's rich. The Jordan Belford. Damn. Holiday voices. Crazy.

Crazy. Too much stress, man. I can barely handle fucking one woman. I can barely handle two cats. And seven glory holes. There's a lot. Cat is the perfect animal for you. A dog, you'd have to leave the glory hole and take for a walk.

Yeah, no. Cats, you could stay the glory hole all night. Yeah, they got automatic feeders. Yeah, yeah, you're good. Your exchange with that guy is one of the best things I've ever heard in my life. Oh, thank you. Also, it's fascinating that you're single, too. Like, what misplaced rage is going into that exchange?

Well, I had another exchange because my maintenance guy called the next day, because I reported them to the city because they weren't doing. anything about my heat and they go the only thing we can offer is space eaters and move you into a new unit and cut some money off your rent that's it and I'm like but I'm telling you you still haven't sent someone out to take a look at what's going on and they gave me all this shit and then I reported them to the city and then they showed up and they're like okay let's take a look and they tried to tell me all this bullshit I'm like you're not listening like I'm telling you it's the furnace and the fucking uh and the thermoset those are two things are not working so then um

They left and I sent an email. I was like, look, if you still don't send someone out by tomorrow, I'm going to call someone and I'm going to pay for it and then just charge you guys. I think that's fair. And he called me and was like, you're threatening us. Go ahead. You do that.

We're not paying a dime, blah, blah. And you don't seem to understand. And he started yelling. And he's like, no, because you're acting like a child. And I was like, yo, I'm not a child. I'm a man. Talk to me like a man and don't fucking yell at me. And he was like, you want me to talk to you like a man?

I'll get in the car and I'll drive an hour to your front. door and see what kind of a man you are and see how much you want to see. His landlord is Chas Pometary. I don't know if you do this. And I was like, dude, I'll meet you out at my door, I'll meet you halfway, I'll meet you at your place. I'll suck your dick and a gloryhole.

Whatever you want. I'll blowball you. You can call me Sissy Boy. Whatever it makes you. I'll make you come. You make me come. It'll be a fucking party. He comes in like Drenzton come. He goes, well, Boilers not fixed.

All right, that's the episode. That's a perfect way to add to it. Thank you guys so much. This was so fun. Rachel, why you tell everyone at home where they can find you and what they can catch you next week? Okay, I have a Netflix special that's streaming now called Big Guys Still, and if you go to my Instagram, Rachel Feinstein, underscore,

all my dates are there or at Punch Up Live. if I met Charlotte next week. Wonderful. Thank you. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Special's all over YouTube. Last one's on Amazon and a podcast with Norman.

The latest step was with Seinfeld. It was a fun one. That's amazing. And then, yeah, new special taping in Tampa, February 27th. Going to add another night. Tampa Theater, baby. So that'll be fun. But yeah, I'll see you on the road.

I'm on the road all of January and February. Sleeper, one of the greater comedy cities. Tampa? In U.S. That's why I'm doing it. It's a sleep. A deeper great comedy city. You'll never hear someone in Tampa get offended by anything.

No, they don't care. I'll be at side splinters in July, by the way. Oh, great club. Classic club. All sides splitters. Shout out BT. Great room. Yeah, we love them.

No, I'm going to be a Dallas comedy club in January and the Creek in the camp. I'm doing a bunch of podcasts too out in Austin. Well, I'm there. Check out Burbs Bros. It's the Alien and Ghost and AI podcast. I do with Sean Donnelly. and I have specials on YouTube and follow me on Instagram.

So there you go. Dan saint. Dot Jermaine. I really got to get those numbers. I'm starting to sound like Gil from the Simpsons. Come on. I really need those numbers up, please. But I would have really helped, please.

Hi, everybody. I Animal 6-9 on Instagram. Eamfinance.com for all my dates and tickets. December 29th, I got two shows, Olson Run Comedy Club in Eugene, Oregon. And then December 31st, my birthday, December 31st, two shows. American Comedy Company

and then January 8 to 10th, Denver Comedy Works. Great clubs, man. Thanks. Yeah, I'm so stoked. Amazing poster, too. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Shout out Zach Warmer.

This is my tour person. Fear and self-loat. That's good. Yeah, yeah. San Diego is so underrated. I love the Gasland District. San Diego just as a whole. I'm going to swim in the ocean, American Comedy Company.

That's a great club. I'm going to swim in the ocean, New Year's Eve, into the new year. to baptize myself of all of last year's dirt and started new in 2026. You know, it sucks. I couldn't work that club for years because I guess the owner called my old agent a cunt. And WM.E's like, we can't do business with them anymore. And I was like, what did she say? I mean, was she being?

Also, Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs coming out January 20th on my YouTube. com slash Ian Finance Comedy, partnered and produced by YMA, Turnkey Productions. I'm so stoked on that, so subscribe to the page. And see Jordan on the road, punchup. Live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates.

And we'll see you next time. Merry Christos. Happy New Year. Happy Kwanza, Hanukkah. Bye, bye. And if you're offended by anything, Ian says at his shows, he does offer a money back guarantee.

All you have to do is email saucecorella at saucegarella. com.